THE TOUR BEGINS!
(Interior scan of "The Building" in Lodi, California. Slight scent of pyro that was missed by the camera...but the effect is the same as if you saw it. Hokey Rock Music(R) is played in the background as numerous signs pop up, including.. "I'M ON TV!", "Normal People are really Tall Midgets", and "Bobo Rulez". Cut to the announcer booth...)
SW: Good evening BOB fans and welcome to MY SHOW! I'm Scotty Whatbody and *ahem* WITH ME is Mike "the Monotone" Monroe and GBH and we're LIVE here on the "Not As Good As Monday" Show! You don't even have to wait till Thursday...WE'RE LIVE AND THIS IS BOB COAST TO COAST!
MM: Nice, Scotty. And how does it feel to sit "in the big chair"?
SW: Are you kidding? THIS IS GREAT! And after what went down at A Near Deth Experience, things have really heated up around here!
MM: Well, minus the interview section.
GBH: Yeah. Duh.
SW: You really like being the wise guy, don't you Mike? You just can't stand that I run things here, can you? You hate being limited to one liners, huh? NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL! So sit there, one liner away, and enjoy the ride...it's going to be a l-o-n-g tour. Let's go to the Masked Announcer and a special sattelite uplink stolen from my next door neighbor for our first match!
MM: You mean I have to be YOUR sidekick at all the NAGAM shows during this tour?
SW: Yep. Killin' you, isn't it?
MA: Ladies and gentlemen. Our first match of the evening is a fight to the finish. Please turn your attention to the BOB-tron...
(The Flunkie rolls out the screen. He plugs it into a wall outlet, the outlet lets off a small spark, the screen image flips wildly until Flukie adjusts the vertical hold. A scene appears that resembles a jungle, well.. except for the 1999 Ford Taurus that just whizzed by the screen. Nevermind that.)
MA: Our first event ever in BOB's Coast to Coast U.S. Tour is a Zimbabwe Streetfight. Introducing first, from Boston, Massachusettes...the Disgruntled Postal Worker...MISTEEEEEEEEEER CLAAAAAAAAVEN!
(Mr. Claven gets out of the big wooden crate(patent pending) from ANDE and stretches his limbs. After a quick gesture Claven acknowledges from offscreen, he promptly kicks over the "Welcome To Lodi" sign. Eddie B. plays "Suddenly" by Billy Ocean for the hell of it. Good pop for the unhappy government employee from the house crowd.)
MA: His opponent, from Bonzai Falls, Georgia...The Hardcore Luchadore...KAMAKAZIIIIIIIIIIEE KEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!
(After a closeup on the "Guy-off-the-street-stand-in-ref", Ken emerges from the crate and delivers a sentan bomb on Claven before the bell sounds...hell, Eddie B. didn't even get the chance to play "Ride of The Valkyries." And if you ask him, he didn't really want to. House crowd goes wild as Ken gets off the ground and resets his dislocated shoulder after the maneuver..)
MM: Here we go!
SW: HEY! That's MY line here, pal. THIS IS MY SHOW! *ahem* HERE WE GO! Ken and Claven continuing their battle from ANDE and that 'Post Office Of Doom' match where they both ended up in the crate postmarked Zimbabwe. And look at all those natives looking on, Mike!
MM: Since when were natives white? Are you sure these two really got shipped all the way to Zimbabwe?
SW: Of course! You know the BigBOSS goes all out to entertain the fans of BOB!
MM: Are you sure you got the right script, Scotty? (flips though papers) One of my lines later on says..."Kill him, Kong! I love heels. WHOO!" What's going on here?
GBH: Uhh, don't question Scotty. Him Smart. Yur.
SW: So, we switched scripts around a little. So what? THIS IS MY SHOW! Claven just whipped Ken into that tree! The natives are restless! Ken with a boot to Claven's chin as he charged in. Ken is climbing the tree!
MM: Kamakazie going up...FLYING BODY PRESS! The cover..one, two...Claven gets a shoulder up! Their battling in that *ahem* Zimbabwe jungle...Claven choking Ken with a vine!
GBH: Duh, that look like ordinary rope. Hee.
MM: Try to maintain the smoke screen, GBH. Ken counters with a kneelift, hiptoss into that...what is that?
SW: It's a water fountain, Mike. Sheesh.
MM: A water fountain in a jungle? Scotty, I thought they were IN A JUNGLE!
SW: Sure they are, don't you see all those aboriginies? Cripes, are you BLIND? Claven rebounds with a stiff uppercut that floors Ken. He's going for a Boston Crab, and he's from Boston...so he's probably pretty good at it.
MM: Ken twists free of the crab, monkey flips Claven! Ken back up, Claven to his feet...Silicon Valley Driver!
MM: Well, we are in California...right?
GBH: Duh, Mike smart. Huh? (scratches head)
MM: We're in Cali...but they're DEFINITELY not! Ken climbing that "leap to manhood" tower that all those tribal folk seem to have where jungle youth dive head first off the tower with a vine around their ankle...SHOOTING STAR KAMAKAZIE PRESS! HE NAILED IT! ALONG WITH ABOUT FOUR ZIM...ZIM...ZIMBABWEANS! Ken with the cover, hooks the leg...
SW: COOL! Even the tribe counted the three!
MA: Your winner....KAMAKAZIIIIIIIIIIE KEEEEEEEEEEN!
MM: The ...*cough* tribe is carrying Ken off on their shoulders! Looks like the "manhood bar" just got raised a notch by Ken's presence tonight. No more vines for the youngsters around "here" for those leaps into manhood.
GBH: Duh, Ken super strong. Yur.
SW: Shut up, GBH. That was stupid, and you're not allowed to be stupid ON MY SHOW! Hey, Masked Announcer is back in the ring for the first match on our U.S. Tour actually in the U.S...
MM: Right, Scotty. *sigh*
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! This is a first round tournament match for the "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag-Team Titles. First, chosen at random as bracket filler...BILLYYYYYYYY BOB AND DAVIIIIIIIIID HASSELHOFF...THE HOLLYWOULDN'T AND HOLLYWOOD CONNECTION!
(Bob and Hasselhoff enter the ring to an eerie silence as one of David's "hit songs" in Germany plays. Well, Dave gets a little pop just because this is California. Eddie B. drinks some Pepto Bismol after the first few lyrics of the song...)
MA: Their opponents, from Monkey's Elbow, Kentucky...here's Cousin Pa and Uncle Junior...THE AHMAAAAAAAAAAAAYZIN' INBREDS!
(Eddie B. strikes up "Don't Go Messin' With A Country Boy"('Cross tha Holla/Over Yonda Mix) by HillBilly Jim. Hey, why not? The Inbreds come to the ring getting several high-fives from the crowd, not counting the fives given to the extra elbows they have. Hey, why not? The enter the ring...hey, why not?)
MA: LET'S GET IT ON!
MM: Good pop for this new team! Looks like they could be a favorite to win those vacant tag titles...
SW: Who, Bob and David? That's a one-liner.. HEY! You swithced scripts you *&^%^^#&@%$^%! GIMME THAT! (takes Mike's sheet) We're introducing a new feature here on NAGAM tonight just for our tour...the "Takes You To The Action" in ring microphone! Let's turn it on and see what we get!
Cousin Pa: "Hey Unkle Juner..idn't dat dere dat guy frum Knigh Rider?"
Uncle Junior: "Dun't reckon I know, Casun' Pa...but he gots nice haiyere."
SW: Hmmmmm, maybe we'll use that more later. Look at this, Mike..we have three men in the ring wearing overalls and a guy in red beach shorts...only in BOB could this happen.
MM: Well, unless they all go to another fed. Looks like Cousin Pa will start off against Hasselhoff. It's really hard to tell these twin Inbreds apart. Test of strength challenge by Hasselhoff. Pa accepts and tosses David across the ring. Hasselhoff looks stunned and looks for the tag...
GBH: Yur, him partner leave...
SW: You're right, GBH! Billy Bob just hopped off the apron and is leaving! He must still be holding a grudge from ANDE or this must be some kind of redneck code! He doesn't want to fight the other hillbillies!
MM: I thought the wrestling hillbilly gimmick died out about 1997 or something...what's up with this?
SW: Shut up, Mike! IT'S ALIVE AND WELL! Deformed elbow knot elbow smash by Cousin Pa! Whips Hasselhoff to the ropes...SCOOP POWERSLAM! Tag to Cousin Junior...
MM: Ummm, it's Uncle Junior...
SW: What's the difference? They're all related anyway. Leg-drop by Grandpa Junior, clothesline by Uncle Elmer as Hasselhoff staggers to his feet! Kick to the groin by Henry Godwin!
MM: Stop it, Scotty.
GBH: Yeah, Scotty...you confuse GBH.
SW: Oh yeah, like you need ME to confuse you. These barefoot, genetic freaks are all over the pompous actor turned wrestler! The Generic Ref lettin' it go. Double backdrop! Cousin Pa lifts Hasselhoff in a Razor's Edge type thing, Uncle Junior off the top with a Rougeau move...who ARE all those guys and why did I get this paper describing this move?
MM: WOW! THE BUMPKIN BOMB! Junior with the cover, one...two...THREE! And the Inbreds make short work of their first round opposition!
SW: Like there was any doubt...HEY! GIMME THAT SCRIPT!
GBH: Heh. You said script...blah.
GBH: Dunno. Yur.
MM: GBH, you just get worse, don't you?
GBH: Dunno. Yur.
SW: CRAP! Would you two knock it off? Besides, it's time for a commercial...
FANS! It's BOB Coast To Coast! Don't miss any of the great BOB action as it comes to your town or somewhere really close to your town. Will BigBOSS step in the ring against Justin Voss? What team will walk away with the YGHF titles? Who will be the next AYOOYFM champion? Will anybody ever cut another promo in the Rant Zone. All questions hopefully answered in the coming weeks! Or not.
SW: And we have returned. What a great commercial!
MM: Scotty, that commercial blew and you know it.
SW: No way, man! That's like a worm on a hook. We just sit back and reel in the ratings fish fry.
GBH: With cheese, right? Yummy.
SW: No, not with cheese.. you blockhead. Hey, Masked Announceris back and he has authenic Russian chains for our next match courtesy of "Vladamir's Shacknov of Authenik CCCP Chainik". This outta be a good one!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen. This next contest is a Double Chain Match! Introducing first...
MM: WAIT! We just got word from Flunkie that Voss and Spink are already going at it with Viet Kong and "Charlie" in the dressing room area(TM)! Let's go to the BOB-tron!
SW: There they are! Kong just threw that midget about 15 feet into the air! Andrew crash lands on a concession table! Voss just smacked "Charlie" and knocks the little Vietnamese man's rice hat off, Kong over and smashes Voss with a Very Forgiving Trashcan(debatable TM). That trashcan smashed almost flat on Justin's head!
MM: Kong now has Justin by those peroxide locks, Voss grabs VK's Executioner's Hood...they're heading to the ring! Spink back up, slow to his little feet..."Charlie" still dazed but now making his way to the ramp..
GBH: Goody. They gonna fight.
SW: Naaaaah. REALLY? OOOOOH! Justin just slammed Kong into the ringpost. Rolls the Asian Nightmare into the ring, and now Justin is hooking that chain onto Kong's wrist. Voss taking his time looking for the other end of the chain..
MM: Yeah, that allowed "Charlie" enough time to get to ring...wad up that other chain...and WHAM! Oh, he hammered Voss in the back of the cranium with that one! Voss slumps to the canvas. "Charlie" now laching himself to his chain...listen to that pop! Here's comes THE LITTLE BIG MAN!
GBH: What 'bout half your size an' 'bout to...
SW: Shut up, you bandwagoneer! "Charlie" choking out Voss with his chain..Kong balling up the chain that connects him and Voss...OHHHHH! What a shot to the head! Fist full of chainlink right to that forehead! WHOO HOO! I LOVE THESE GUYS!
MM: You're such a heel mark, Scotty. Hey, let's "Take You To The Action" with our in-ring mic!
SW: Good idea, Mike..and I'm not a mark. YOU'RE A MARK!
MM: I'm not a mark, you're a mark.
SW: Oh yeah? Well, you're a.. you're a.. you're a skid mark! How do you like that?
MM: That was sooooo weak, Scotty.
Justin: "Hey Kong, you gotta blade? I lost my blade, man.."
"Charlie": "Heir Jussin, mee goot won. Bee verree carefole...eet rearry sharpee."
SW: Ummmmm, bad idea that time on the in-ring mic. OHHHHH! Spink just got "Charlie" with a halfsizecanrana! Lowblow on Kong! Spink is now fastening himself to the other end of "Charlie's" chain. Voss has been *ahem* busted open from that shot from Kong!
MM: Nice recovery, Scotty. Spink choking "Charlie" with that chain..Kong has rebounded from that lowblow and just nailed the dwarf with a knee to the head! Spink down hard and rolls across the ring. Voss back to his feet a bloody mess, but just caught Kong with a chain enhanced clothesline!
GBH: Yur. Dat gotta hurt.
SW: NO! Justin going for a pin...one...get up KONG! Whew, that was close!
MM: Scotty, you need to be a litte more unbiased, okay?
SW: I WILL NOT! THIS IS MY SHOW! "Charlie" with a piledriver on Andrew! YEAH, BABY! VK setting up Voss for "The Rice Cannon", the most feared clothesline in wrestling history! He decapitated a man during a Hanoi fight for profit, you know?
MM: Oh, he did not.
SW: DID TO! That's what his bio says! So it has to be tr...Kong wrapping that chain around his 35 inch bicep...whips Justin into the ropes...YEAH, HERE IT COMES!
GBH: Him lose him head. Hee.
MM: NO! Justin ducked...Justin time! JUSTINWAKENING! He grabbed VK's neck after ducking that "cannon" and planted Kong with a neckbreaker! "Charlie" tossed Spink outside the ring and the little man is just dangling there like a pint sized wind sock! "Charlie" has un-attached himself from his chain and wraps it around the ring rope! Spink still hanging there...and "Charlie" digs his thumb into the juglar of the unsuspecting Voss who was trying to cover Kong!
SW: YEAH, BABY! "The Tet Offensive"! This one is over...wait a minute...why is this crowd cheering? They hate "Charlie"!
GBH: Look at Bob-tron. Yur
MM: It's THE AHMAYZIN' INBREDS! THEY HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN THAT BOMB SURPRISE THEY GOT FROM "CHARLIE" AT ANDE! THEY'RE HEADING TO THE RING!
SW: THIS SUCKS! The Generic Ref was trying to get "Charlie" tied back up to Andrew..."Charlie" pulled his riding crop out of his pants and waffled the Generic Ref! CRAP! REF GONNA MISS IT ALL!
MM: The Inbreds have hit the ring! Bionic Elbow Stub on Viet Kong by Cousin Pa! Uncle Junior with a barefoot kick sends "Charlie" reeling! Spink on the top rope from out of nowhere...Uncle Junior rocket launches Spink onto "Charlie"! Cousin Pa and Voss double teaming Kong outside the ring...The Generic Ref rolls over as Junior scampers to the floor...Spink gets his little stubby arm around "Charlie's" leg...hooks it!
MM: YEEEES! Even the crowd knows this one is history!
SW: DAMMIT! I'm disputing this! Generic Ref wasn't even supposed to be the official for this match! Protest it "Charlie"! PROTEST IT! What happened to the special ref, anyway?
MM: Well, considering the name of the town we're in, it wasn't really a surprise. So I guess it got ditched.
GBH: Hee, you said b*tched.
MM: Ditched. DITCHED, you goof!
SW: Shut up Mike, I'm p!ssed! Those hillbillies had no business getting involved in that match. I'm sure we haven't seen the last of this by a long shot.
MM: You're right, Scotty..it is a l-o-n-g tour. And...Kong and Blackjack are also in that tag-team tournament, as is Voss and Spink. Things really heating up...
BOB fans! It's "Creamy J's Malt Liquor An' Chit"! The cornerstone of every house party and a damn good buzz! 'Gets tha party star-ed wit "Creamy J's", one un-official sponser of BOB's Coast To Coast Tour...an' "RAISE DAT ROOF"!
Disclaimer: BOB does not condone the drinking of any alcohoic beverage of any kind. But if you can find "Creamy J's", more power to ya an' buss dat 40. Please drink in a responsible fashion and use that designated driver. Thank You. Come again.
SW: Ummm, that sounds good. Hey, it's main event time! Blackjack Hooligan of The Unethical Ethnic Alliance put in his bid to unseat Bobo Fiendish for his newly won Pan-Galactic title.
MM: This will be a war, Scotty...and please try to be a little more fair with the commentary.
SW: Oh yeah, like I'm really going to cheer for Hooligan with Bobo out here...
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen...THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT! It is for the Pan-Galactic title! First, the challenger...from the Unlucky Clover Ranch in Ireland. A member of The Unetical Ethnic Alliance...BLACKJACK HOOOOOOOLIGAN!
(Eddie B. scratches up a tornado on Hooligan's "Limestone Cowboy" remake of Glenn Campbell's "Rhinestone Cowboy". The husky Irish cowboy slowly strolls to the ring guzzling a "Creamy J's An' Chit" 40 ounce. He slups down the last few drops and wipes his chin before getting in the ring to a landslide of jeers.)
MA: His opponent...(massive pop)from...(increased pop)...weighing in at... (decibel level reaching airplane engine status)...The Pan-Gal...(you get the picture...louder pop) BOBOOOOOOOOOOoooooo(gigantic super dope phat crazy mad pop)
(Eddie B. takes the night off, nobody would hear the intro music anyway...)
MM: WOW! What a response by these fans! I didn't know a couple hundred people could get THAT loud...
SW: For once, Mike...I'll have to agree with you on that one. We should just start calling him Fiendberg...
MM: I don't think that'd be a good idea.. Bobo is in the ring...Blackjack started things off quickly with a forearm before the bell! Bobo fires back...another...another...staggers the rowdy cowboy!
MM: Nice to have you still with us, GBH!
SW: Bobo setting up Blackjack for the ride...reversal by Hooligan...ducks for a backdrop...NOOOO! BOBO HOOKS THE FAREWELL TO THE FLESH! NOOOOOO!
MM: WAIT! Here comes somebody down the ramp like a bat out of hell! He slides under the bottom rope...IT'S SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
SW: YEAH BABY! I mean...like, whatever. SMP with a shot to the back of Bobo! Bobo turns unfazed and wraps that massive hand around the plastic surgeon's neck! SMP begging off! Bobo giving the sign for a chokeslam! NOOOO!
MM: Viet Kong and "Charlie" quickly down the ramp now! Bobo tosses the doctor aside and hooks up with Kong as the big Asian slides into the ring. "Charlie" wise to stay on the outside and direct traffic. Bobo with a right hand to Kong. Kong fires back but Fiendish shrugs it off. Blackjack up and knees Bobo in the small of the back. SMP now joining in as Bobo slumps to a knee and Kong and Hooligan hold Bobo by his outstretched arms as SMP fires away with right hands to Bobo's head.
SW: The bell ringer is going nuts! Looks like a DQ here! NOW LOOK! It's STWF legend and teammate of SMP's in that fed....HOMICIDAL HANK! HAs he gone Alliance, too?!
MM: I don't think so, Scotty...Hank isn't too Ethnic. Maybe he's just trying to break this thing up. He and SMP go way back, you know? Let's check with the "Takes You To The Action" mic! Hank's in the ring...
SMP: "Did you wear the protective cup?
Hank:"Yeah, go for it."
SW: Turn that off! OHHHHH! SMP JUST BENEDICT ARNOLDED HANK! LOWBLOW! Double underhooks Hank's arms! HANK "JUST GOT PLANTED" by SMP's double arm DDT! SMP putting the boots to Hank! Kong and Hooligan double teaming the champ!
MM: Here come The Inbreds again! The numbers are even now! The Unethical Ethnic Alliance have cleared the ring as Cousin Pa and Uncle Junior slide in. Listen to these boos as The Ethnics head back to the dressing room. Cousin Pa and Uncle Junior checking on the condition of Bobo and Hank. I can see BigBOSS chomping at the bit to sign these eight men to a match soon!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen...the winner, by disqualification...and STILL! THE PAN-GALACTIC CHAMPION! BOBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Q. FIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENDISH!
SW: Yeeeeeeeeah, boyee! It's gonna be a l-o-n-g tour! Fans, we're out of time...so for Mike Monroe and the ever intelligent, GBH...I'M SCOTTY WHATBODY and goodnight from MY SHOW!
©2000 BOB Wrestling!