AND AS WE WIND ON DOWN THE ROAD...
(Pan interior of the "Lemme Give You a Hand" Center in Helper, Utah. A modest crowd has gathered as BOB's Coast to Coast Tour continues it's journey across the U.S. Panning the fans, the usual home made signs pop up ...some include "Lord Sexbat Has Funny Hair", "Bobo is GOD", "Ken SOLD OUT" and "Pete Gas = Ratings". Huh? Cut to ringside where Scotty Whatbody adjusts his headset.)
SW: COOL! When did we get THESE? (taps on headset mic) Hey! This is Scotty Whatbody and this is MY show, "The Not As Good As Monday Thursday Show" and we're live in Helper, Utah as the BOB tour rolls on! Helper, Utah...were outside interference is not just encouraged, it's MANDATORY!
(A man walks out from the back, he joins Scotty at ringside and places another headset on)
SW: Who the hell are YOU? Where's Nurse Heidi? She's my usual sidekick and not to mention, fine as...
David: I'm your partner today, The BigBOSS sent me out here to help you. I'm David. I've watched A LOT of wrestling. Me and my brother, Jim, used to watch it all the time.. so I know the moves and stuff.
SW: Great, I get some guy BigB pulled from the stands to annouce with? This sucks! I want HEIDI!
D: Fans, we have a great card tonight. Get this. We have Sir Ronald Killalot taking on...what's this name, Scotty? Man, I can't believe I'm annoucing with Scotty Whatbody! This is quite an honor!
SW: Hey now, maybe you won't be so bad after all. Just keep sucking up, kid...and I'll put in a good word to the Boss for ya. By the way, just call that guy The Corporate Enforcer...I can't say his name, either.
D: Also. Big Viet Kong, the Asian Nightmare, goes against "The Disenfranchised" Joshua Craig. In a Hoi Phong Death Match? What's that?
SW: I thought you said you watched wrestling? Bobo Q. Fiendish and Kamakazie Ken will battle it out, and we also have a main event nobody knows anything about.
D: Lets go to our first match...
SW: Our? THIS IS MY SHOW, BOY!
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen, the opening match of the night features first, from somewhere nobody really cares about. His weight is irrelevant. The Corporate Enforcer...PSREM, PZREMVK, PRESSSS....shoot! That guy coming to the ring!
(Eddie B. strikes up some scratchy scratch of The Kraterian National Anthem. The mail order tag partner enters the ring to slight boos)
MA: His opponent, from Camelot, England? (shrugs) weighing in tonight at 250 pounds, standing 6-2...SIR ummmmm, is it Roland? Voland? (mutters "dammit") Sir R. KILLALOT!
(Eddie B. cues Beck's "Loser"...adding a special "Loser On A Hot Tin Roof Mix". The Arthurian Knight saunters to the ring with Mary Beth, his barely legal valet. Good pop.)
MA: LET'S GET IT ON!
SW: I think I know who The Masked Annoucer is! Doesn't Isaac Hayes have a song called "Let's Get It On?"
D: Isn't Isaac Hayes black? The Masked Annoucer is white.
SW: So? You ever seen Michael Jackson?
D: HARD right hand by The Enforcer as the bell sounds. Killalot barely got into the ring and removed his armour before the Krapterian jumped him! Snap mare takeover, stomp to the forehead. COME ON, Big SIR! He's gotta do it. Headlock now by Enforcer...squeezing, tighter and tighter.
SW: What did you say your name was, again?
SW: David what?
D: I didn't say. Just David. Killalot up now, pushes off sending Enforcer across, HARD shoulder block! Killalot down! Enforcer across the ring, Killalot back up...SCOOP POWERSLAM, AWW RIGHT! The quick cover! 1, 2....
SW: P-bunch-'o-letters kicks out, and retaliates with a quick eye poke as he gets to his feet!
D: HEY! THAT'S NOT RIGHT! COME ON, KILLALOT! He's gotta DO IT!
SW: Your last name wouldn't happen to be Crockett, would it? Nevermind. P-9 over to the turnbuckle, he's going to the top. Mary Beth grabs his ankle! This IS Helper, Utah after all! It's all good! And LEGAL!
D: Killalot over and catapults The Enforcer to the center of the ring! AWW RIGHT! Now a legdrop. He's gotta do it, he's GOTTA do it!
SW: Whatever. Hey, I'm sure he knows a lot about catapults. (looks at script) HEY! Who gave me that cheesy line! OOH, DDT follow up by Sir Killalot. Elbow drop to the back of the neck. Killalot quickly up and has Prmfdjkhfju up again, inverted atomic drop!
D: He gives a throat slash sign!
SW: Oh yeah, and he's probably the only guy I've ever seen do that and actually means it. Literally. Well, except if Bobo does it...
D: Sir. R has been given his sword by his young assistant!
SW: Looks like he's gonna "Highlander" The Enforcer! That's gotta be a disqualification. I don't think you can be-head anybody in the ring... yet. Give WWF about two more years...ummm. A kick to the gut by P-Man sends the sword flying, backs Sir R. Kelly into the ropes and delivers a back elbow!
D: Did you just say Sir R. Kelly?
SW: I can say whatever I want, this is MY show!
D: Touchy. Killalot, now, trying to wrestle free. Enforcer sending him for the ride, reversal...Enforcer bounces out from the corner, backdrop! AWW RIGHT! He's gotta do it, now!
(Cut to Generic Ref's half brother, the Not So Special Timekeeper, who is pointing at his watch.)
Generic Ref: Okay guys, I'm getting the sign. Let's wrap this one up.
Killalot: WHAT? Already?
Generic Ref: What do you expect? This IS an opening match, ya know.
Killalot: Don't get smart with me! Or...or...it'll be like...off with YOUR head.
Generic Ref: Oooooooh, I'm so scared. Just pin the guy, okay?
Killalot: Sheesh, alright already. Chill, man.
SW: Killalot motioning to the crowd, picks up the Krapterian, hooks him for...hold on (points to the sky). AT AHH! A high, high vertical "soo-play". Man, that felt good. Mary Beth scampers up the ringpost. YEAH, BABY! MOONSAULT ONTO P-R crooked letter, crooked letter, E, crooked letter, crooked letter, V, humpback, humpback, crooked letter. *ahem* The cover as Mary Beth poses for fans, the crowd knows this one is over as Generic Ref does the honors...
crowd: ONE, TWO, THREE!
MA: The winner of this match, SIR DONALD KILLALOT! (shakes head)
SW: Shucks, I was really hoping to see that McPiledriver, too. I wanted to see how it stacked up against the McTurkey Slap Deluxe. What? (presses headset into ears) No references to that other place? Cool with me. However, the Lita Beth thing was cool. Guess it pays to have help in Helper tonight.
D: What did you say earlier? Who's Lita Beth?
SW: Shut up, Mark. Don't question me and you know, you're the most biased good guy annoucer I've ever seen...are you sure you're not David Crock...
D: Don't call me Mark...
(Quick cut to the Back Stage Area(tm) where Blackjack Hooligan just nailed Sir Ronald Killalot with a Fosters can, busting it over his head as he came back through the curtain/bed sheet. Mary Beth comforts the fallen knight as Blackjack makes a "Hasty Get-A-Way"(patent pending)...but not before licking some suds off the floor.)
D: Isn't he Irish? I thought Fosters was Australian for beer...
SW: Who cares? And I really don't think Jack is concerned with name brands so long as there is alcohol inside. Did you see the size of that can! WHOOO! That's gonna leave a mark, Mark.
D: I asked you not to call me that...
SW: I call the shots here, buddy. If you don't like it...hit the bricks and get to steppin'.
FANS! It's the greatest BOB PPV yet to be named! ORDER TODAY! Live from ??? Featuring ??? And only on PPV! See the incredible main event between ??? and ???! It'll ROCK!
SW: Ummmmm, yeah. The BigBOSS really needs to name that thing.
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, the next contest is a Hoi Phong Death Match!
(Pan crowd. Several head for the vendors or the bathrooms...maybe the exit, it's hard to tell. The overall impression is that this crowd is uninterested in the match. Maybe it would help to explain it's concept before it arrives...)
MA: Introducing first, from Oakbrook, Illinois...weighing in at 192 pounds and stands 5' 11". Along with his father, Mike...this is "THE DISENFRANCHISED" JOSHUA CRAIG!
(Joshua Craig is pulled to the ring by his father to a loud crowd pop as Eddie B. plays "Larger Than Life" by one of those boy groups. Asked later why he did it, his reply was "Ain't tha kids listnin' to that?" Mike throws his kid into the ring and shouts encouragement as the speed metal version of "The Charlie's Angels Theme" strikes up...)
MA: His opponent. From Hoi Phong, Vietnam. Weighing in tonight at 345 pounds and he's 6' 8". Accompanied by his manager, "Charlie"...this is VIET KONG!
(Fans quickly return to gawk at the man's fourteen fingers and ape like hairy torso. "Charlie" is carrying two metal buckets, water spills over the sides as the small man struggles to lug them to the ring. "Charlie" sneers at the elder Craig, climbs in the ring and snatches the mic from Masked Announcer...)
"Charlie": Herro yoo stoopid peepole! (crowd boos loudly) Dis Hoi Phong Deaf Match! Een buckeet fiwoled wit leech. Poot leech awn opponen while fighin', him geet brud suckee awt, geet reel tire, noo answur teen count...him ROOSE! SOOKIE DAT!
D: THAT'S NOT RIGHT! There's no way leeches are gonna stick to Kong...he's too hairy! And why leeches? Why leeches?!
SW: Quit your whining, this is GREAT! And haven't you ever seen Rambo? Vietnamese love to torture dudes with leeches! What a match devised by "Charlie"! Not only will the leeches not be able to latch onto Kong, he outweighs this kid over 150 pounds and is almost a foot taller! Not to mention stronger. Look at those 35 inch biceps! HE CAN'T LOSE! WHOO HOO!
D: This is terrible! That damn "Charlie" is nothing but a dirty cheater!
SW: *cough*davidcrockett*cough*... There's the bell! There's a bucket in Joshua's corner and Kong has one in his. Mike Craig is looking into the bucket in his son's side of the ring and looks nauseated! Yeah, BABY!
D: Joshua trying to size up the big man..tries a dropkick. Kong doesn't move! Collar and elbow try up...Kong flings the Ambercrombie & Fitch clad lad across the ring and out to the floor! His father aids him...
Joshua: Dad, let's go. I'll make you forget about your own sports related shorcomings another day...okay?
Mike:: Relax, kid. Those leeches aren't real. They're rubber or something. Look...hey wait. That one just moved. What the hell, get in there and make me proud, son!
SW: WOW! Mike just threw his boy back in there! Kong grabs Craig and delivers the closest version of a gorilla press I've ever seen! It really helps when you look like a gorilla...GET HIM, KONG!
D: Kong slams the kid down HARD! He's going to his bucket. Joshua quickly back up and jumps on Kong's back as he was reaching into the bucket! His clawing at that Executioner's Hood Viet Kong wears! He's turning it around...Kong can't see! AW RIGHT! He's gotta do it!
SW: Hey, talk about cheating! COME ON, KONG! Joshua slides out of the ring and grabs a chair, "Charlie" over to break it up and the younger Craig sends the timy man into the Flimsy Guardrail(tm)! NOOO! He's got that chair in the ring and just cleaned Kong's clock with it! Dammit!
D: Kong staggers from the chair shot. Hey, it IS a Death Match! ANOTHER! YES! Kong is down!
Joshua Craig: Start the count!
Generic Ref: I can't! (Pulls out "The Complete Guide to the Hoi Phong Death Match: Revised "Charlie" to English version, volume II) It says there has to be at least one leech attached before I can start the 10 count!
Joshua Craig: DAMMIT!
SW: Kong is fixing his hood! Yeah! Get him, Kong! Wait, Joshua trying to keep Kong from getting up by simply laying on him, Kong throws him off and gets to his feet.
D: HARD right by Craig, trying to keep the larger man off balance. ANOTHER! Craig bounds off the ropes, shoulder block barely moves Kong. Craig tries again....NOOOOO!
SW: Kong wraps that seven fingered hand around Joshua's neck as he charged in...lifts him for a chokeslam!
SW: Hee Hee.
D: Come on, JOSHUA! He's gotta get up! Kong stumbles over to his bucket and has pulled out two leeches! NOOOO! COME ON, get up...Kong coming over to Craig and is putting the leeches on his chest! AW RIGHT! Joshua rolled away before they could latch on!
SW: Damn "Lick and Stick" novelty leeches! Craig back up! Kong is looking on the mat for the blood suckers....spinning heel kick!
D: Kong wobbly! Joshua with another spinning heel kick sends Kong against the ropes. Drop Kick! Kong topples over the top rope and down to the floor!
SW: Craig's only chance is to keep moving and not let Kong get ahold of him. Joshua charges across the ring and dives over the top rope onto Viet Kong! Kong caught him! WHAM! YEAH! Kong slammed Craig into the ringpost back first and tosses him back in the ring! Kong shaking the cobwebs...and also is back inside.
D: Craig favoring his back, his Dad looking concerned on the ring apron. Kong comes over and takes a swing at Mike, but misses as the father jumps back to the floor. HEY! "Charlie" is now choking the son with his riding crop! CHEAT! CHEATER! DAMN CHEAT!
SW: Shut up, David! Outside interference is perfectly legal tonight! Asssphinctersaywhat...
SW: Interference is legal.
D: No, you said something after that...
SW: No I didn't. Buttcracklickersayshuh...
D: Huh? You did it again...
SW: *snickering* OHHHHH! Joshua nailed a DDT as Kong tried to pick a leech up off the mat. Craig hurries to his bucket although still winded, grabs a leech of his own, and tosses it on Kong's hairy back! COME ON, VK! Roll over or something!
Joshua Craig: START COUNTING, YOU STUPID REF!
Generic Ref: I CAN'T! It's not even connected, look here... (flicks the leech off Kong's back, it log rolls out of the ring to the safety of the arena floor.) SEE?! It has to be attached!
Joshua Craig THIS BITES!
SW: Hee! Craig's getting frustrated! Now his dad is yelling at him...
Mike Craig: TRY HIS HEAD! TAKE OFF THE HOOD AND PUT 'EM ON HIS HEAD!
YEAH! THAT'LL WORK! HE'S GOTTA DO IT!
D: What did you sa...OH NOOOO! Craig went for Kong's hood and "Charlie" quickly entered the ring to thwart that! Joshua turns and grabs "Charlie"! The crowd is loving this! Nail him, Josh...NAIL HIM!
SW: "Charlie" just got waffled with a hard right, and after an over-acted fall, quickly scampers back to the floor. YEAH! Joshua turned back around and blindly walked into a stiff right to the chin by Kong sending him to his back! VK has him again, sends him across to the far side ropes...big Nash-like boot to the face on the rebound! Speaking of Nash, it's about time for a Big SeXXXy, XXXreme Machine sighting...
(Quick cut to XXXtreme machine, doing a fine job as a foam finger vendor. Back to Scotty and David)
D: Kong has placed a leech on Craig! It's digging in deeper and deeper! Clamping tighter and tighter! Kong picks up Craig and bodyslams him for good measure! Now what? He goes back and gets the bucket, dumping the entire contents on Craig! Has him again...another whip into the ropes. CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! He grabs the Generic Ref by his zebra collar and is pointing to the fallen kid. That's NOT RIGHT!
SW: Clothesline from Hell? Does that make it worse? What if you called other moves something like armbar from hell, or rear chinlock from the unholy nether world? Makes it harder to get up from? That was the "Rice Cannon", baby! After that 360 Joshua just cut, he'd never get up even if he didn't have about 25 leeches on his body! Kong still leading the Ref around by his shirt...
Generic Ref: What?
"Charlie" from outside ring: Coun! Yoo stoopid poopee heed!
SW: He's starting the count! 1-2, yeah baby! 4-5-6... that kid is meat! 8-9...Josh trying to get up. 10! YEAH! Take THAT you "facey" brownie hound!
MA: Your winner of the match...VIET KONG!
D: WOW! Listen to those boos! And I thought you said those were novelty leeches...why is Joshua almost as pale as Sexbat?
SW: Dunno. I wouldn't put it past "Charlie" to sneak some real ones! OH YEAH! "Charlie" is in the ring to add insult to injury! He's putting the boots to the boy! Craig's old man comes in and whacks the tiny manager with the chair Joshua used earlier. Kong quickly puts an end to that and when that forearm shot sent the father falling into the ropes!
D: Kong has the other bucket and has put it on Mike Craig's head! THAT'S NOT RIGHT! THAT MAN IS A CIVILIAN!
SW: Then he shouldn't be in the ring! LOOK! Blackjack Hooligan has joined in! The Unethical Ethnic Alliance is really roughing up the Craig Family! Hooligan has the "Noggin' Claw" on Joshua, Kong holds Mike as "Charlie" whips him with that riding crop! Wait...what the hell is that?
D: IT'S RONALD KILLALOT! YES! He's got one of joust sticks!
SW: Joust sticks? You don't know what it's called?
D: Do you?
SW: No. But it's my show...I don't HAVE to know. HEY! Killalot just hammered Hooligan with that jouster! Takes a swing at Kong who ducks and rolls to the floor. "Charlie's" on his horse...Killalot has cleared the ring! Now he's helping the Craig Family! What a jip.
D: Maybe a six man in the works?
SW: Nice plug. You catch on fast! If you weren't such a biased fuddy duddy you might have a career in this biz. While The Flunkie finishes up leech sweep of the ring, let's go to a PPV promo and get ready for a real bloodbath when the creepy Bobo comes out here and faces Ken.
Another cheesy logo! More cheesy action that you can dip a nacho at! More cheesy commentary! Buy BOB's Next PPV! Never under estimate the power of cheese!
D: I'm sure you guys broke a copyright law with that one.
SW: Like they watch this show.
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! This next match is a pinfalls count anywhere/anything goes contest, cause management fears it'll never stay in the ring. Introducing first, from Bonzai Falls, Georgia ...The HARDCORE LUCHADOR, KAMAKAZIE KEN!
(Eddie B. cues "Ride of the Valkaries"...Ken comes down the asile with no less that 10 security guards/staff extras, and a free flowing cape. He gets in the ring under a shower of flung debris and grabs the stick.)
Ken: (over a hostile crowd) SHUDDAP! Now I know what you're thinking, but I had to bring all these guards out here to keep me from killing Bobo. (Boos get louder) I told that Yo Yo Fleadip that was an accident against Sexbat, and he declared some B.S. war on me. Me? I'm KAMAKAZIE KEN! (more boos) NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME!
D: Why are the guards surrounding the ring to protect Bobo, when Bobo isn't out here?
SW: It's simple. The guards are there to keep Bobo from getting in the ring and suffering a sure demise. What a nice gesture by Ken.
MA: His opponent. From parts nobody wants to visit...the former Pan-Galactic champion...BOBO Q. FIENDISH!
(Huge pop. The guards ready themselves. Ken strikes a Superman pose in the ring as the aisle remains Bobo-less)
SW: Check out Ken. He looks just like Superman, well.. if Superman wore a target mask and luge outfit. This is GREAT!
D: Well, he's about to meet walking Kryptonite...look at the ring!
SW: KEN! LOOK AT THE MAT BEHIND YOU!
(The mat opens up as Bobo slowly rises from under the ring behind Ken, his arms crossed, nonchalantly waiting for the ride to end to a deafening crowd roar...well, as deafening as a couple hundred can get. The hole closes nicely thanks to the elevator platform, and you wondered where your bonus went?
SW: Ken's getting that look that something strange is lurking behind him...HE'S RIGHT! TURN AROUND, KEN! DAMMIT, RUN OR SOMETHING!
D: Bobo loading up that right...Ken slowly turning...
SW: Ken knocked out of his cape and off his feet! Here come the guards! Bobo clotheslines the first one in the ring, takes the second and deposits him over the ropes!
D: Yeah, they're really protecting Bobo, there! The third gets a quick chokeslam! Ken is hitting the high road. He's leaving the ring and heading to the stands...
SW: Bobo just walked over number four, five gets a simple b(bleep)tch slap, if you call one of those from Bobo simple! Fiendish trying to get out of the ring but guards six and seven grab his arms... Bobo just brushes them aside like pre programmed staff lackeys!
D: Quite the picture, Scotty. That one guy falls worse than Tony Garea.
SW: Bobo trying to get over the Flimsy Guardrail(still a TM), but the other guards converge on him like white on rice! Ken just got something from the audience...He NAILED Bobo with a cruiserweight championship belt! Where'd he get THAT?!
D: Maybe that two day deadline got a stay of execution!
(Scotty does a double take.)
SW: Ken waiving off the guards, he's calling off the dogs. Now he's dragging a dazed Bobo into the seating area. Look at those fans trying to touch the two men as the head up that aisle...
D: If those guards were here for Bobo's *ahem* protection, why are they leaving?
SW: If you ain't got it by now, you ain't going to. Ken smashes Bobo with a overhead forearm to the shoulderblades. Puts Bobo ON A TABLE! He's going up to the next level of the arena...KEN-TON BOMB! YEAH!
D: WOW! He just crashed right through that table!
SW: Too bad Bobo was on that other one! Fiendish is back on his feet, Ken trying to get that large splinter out of his tricep...
D: HARD right hand by Bobo, Ken fires back with a chop. Open palm thrust to the throat by Fiendish, Ken staggers back. Retaliates with a weak punch that grazed off Bobo's chest. Fiendish has Ken by the mask holes and they're heading to the outer hallway!
SW: Bobo just sent Ken sailing across that fresh waxed floor! The Hardcore Luchador went sliding about 15 feet into that peanut stand! The roasted nuts are everywhere, including Ken!
D: Bobo going to fish Ken out of the peanut pile, eyepoke by Kamakazie! DIRTY CHEAT! Ken now over and grabs a hand full of hot butter from that popcorn vendor! Blinds Bobo!
SW: I think the survival instinct is kicking in...
D: Bobo just keeps coming after Ken! Even the butter didn't slow him down! This man IS a MONSTER!
SW: Save it for the PPV. *sigh* A flurry of punches by both men, Bobo getting the advantage...tosses Ken through that plexiglass sheild at the hotdog counter! He's going in there after him!
D: This is insane, there were never matches like this in my day...
SW: AH HA! You are David Crockett! I KNEW IT! Ken just sent into that Ridiculously Easy To Knock Over HotDog Bun Stand With Wheels On It(TM in letigation) SCREW THIS! Take it to the women's bathroom. It's GOTTA go to the women's bathroom! WHOO HOO!
D: I am not David Crockett. Ken stumbling around. Bobo charges and Ken backdrops him into that weiner fridge!
SW: Do you realize how that sounded? Ken over to pick up Bobo, he breaks free...has him HOOKED! FAREWELL TO THE FLESH!
D: YES! AW RIGHT! He's got him covered! HEY! Where's that stupid ref?!
SW: HE'S STILL IN THE RING! HEY G.R., in a pinfalls anywhere match...you have to FOLLOW THEM!
Generic Ref: Oh. Well, with the layoff and all, I forgot. (shrugs)
D: He'll never get there in time, Bobo has had Ken pinned for almost 30 seconds...THAT'S NOT RIGHT!
SW: Quit your crying, you're worse than Monroe! Hey, look at Generic Ref...he has no idea where the two wrestlers are! Now we don't, either! Clive had to come back to the ring for the Ref bit! Crap, we need another camera man...
D: The ref is leading the cameraman all over this building, Bobo and Ken are nowhere to be found.
SW: They're heading to the parking deck. LOOK! There's Bobo closing the trunk on that car! He's getting in! AND DRIVING OFF!
D: Is that considered a countout?
SW: You can't get counted out in a pinfalls anywhere match, dummy. I guess this one will finish in Bobo's wherehouse training ring! Or perhaps the bar where the two are probably having beers at later...who knows? We'll keep you posted, and maybe get you some still photos on Mayhem!
D: I'm sure we haven't heard the last of those two.
SW: You have...like you're getting a permanent spot here or something. Hey, Generic Ref is back and so is The Masked Annoucer...
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event of the evening...
(Sade's "Smooth Operator" begins to play. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants quickly swaggers to the ring to a chorus of boos and quickly snatches the mic from M.A.)
SMP: I'm getting sick and tired of Bobo saying I'm ducking him. I want him TONIGHT! Where is he? (Loud boos)
D: What's he doing? He knows Bobo isn't here.
SW: Shut up, Mark...you're spoiling the moment.
SMP: Oh, he's not here? And he says I'M running from HIM? What a joke! I guess I'll just take my pay and head to the house. (more boos) Wait a minute, since Bobo is conveniently out of the building to spare his hump, I challenge Lord Lestat Von Sexbat for the Pan-Galactic Title!
("Gots Mo' Moves Than Exlax" by The Hershey Squirts cues up. What? Haven't heard it? The miniature clone of the BigBoss, The Li'LBoss, makes his way to the ring as fast as his little legs will carry him. He's flanked by Lock, Shock and Barry...the corporate goons/bodyguards. He's lifted into the ring by Shock, and jump grabs the mic from The Dirty Boobie Enhancer.)
LB: Look, SMP...you know damn good and well Bobo is not here and you know Sexbat won't be cleared to wrestle for at least another week. I had a feeling you were going to pull some underhanded stuff tonight. So I made some calls, I pulled some strings...and you'll be having a match tonight. A tag-team match as a matter of fact. Hit it, Eddie...
(The sound of "Stuff Breaking" is heard...followed by the mother of all crowd pops. Yes, even bigger than Ricky Steamboat over Randy Savage at WrestleMania III. A bald man exits the curtain to an even louder pop...)
D: Who intros to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff"?
SW: No, you idiot...that's just "Stuff Breaking", can't you hear it? HEY, IT'S LUKE WARM FROM THE STWF! The biggest face in all facedom! HOLY SNIKEYS!
(Luke enters the ring, mounts the turnbuckles and quickly downs a Yoo-Hoo like a savage. Gives a quick double thumbs up and takes the mic from the dwarf honcho.)
Luke Warm: Okay, so the joke's on me. I see you've watched the STWF and you know Plants and I are tag partners... despite the fact we hate each other's guts. Just tell me who we're wrestling and let's get it over with.
LB: No, no, no. I said you we're having a tag-team match but I didn't say anything about you two being partners. YOU'RE ON OPPOSITE TEAMS! (loud pop) Plants...here's your partner. Hit it, Eddie...
(Eddie B. spins "The Most Beautiful Girl In The World" by that guy that changed his name to a symbol. Eddie adds a special "Purple Dove Let's Pretend We're Married To Nikki" Mix, whatever that is. An attractive female walks to the ring in a skin tight body suit, joins SMP and pecks him on the cheek with a soft kiss.)
SW: THAT'S BRIANNE WARM! LUKE'S SISTER AND SMP'S STWF POOR ANGLED GIRLFRIEND! That must mean...
LB: Hit it, Eddie...
("Simply Irresitable" by Robert Palmer plays. A loud pop ensues as another attractive woman comes down the aisle in high heels and a nursing uniform so short she needs two hair styles. She stands alongside Luke.)
SW: NURSE HEIDI! IT'S NURSE HEIDI! No wonder I got stuck with this boring counterpoint!
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen...YOUR MAIN EVENT! ONE FALL TO A FINISH!
D: This looks sorta good, and I resent the boring counterpoint remark.
SW: Can it, jerk. This match has more sub plots and side notes than a bad Melrose Place script. Get this, Luke and SMP hate each other, were forced to team because their mommies made them, Bri likes SMP, Heidi dates Luke because she's jealous of Brianne and secretly loves the doctor. Brianne has been trying to kill her brother since he climbed curtains, since he was a rug rat...THIS IS GREAT! But it'll be better if Heidi and/or Brianne lose some clothes! WHOO HOO!
D: Really? And I though Russo was twisted. SMP and Luke to start it off. Collar and elbow tie up, SMP with a knee to the breadbasket. Backs Luke into the corner, HARD CHOP!
SW: Luke fires back with a looping right. Plants with another chop, Luke with an uppercut taking SMP off his feet, he quickly stands, another stiff jab sends him back to the mat. COME ON, DOC! YES! LOWBLOW! That's my boy!
D: He's a dirty cheater. SMP sends Luke for the ride, clothesline attempt, Luke ducks it...kick to the abdomen and grabs SMP's head...
SW: NOOOOOO! Whew, SMP threw it in reverse and rolls to the floor to regroup. This one was almost done quicker than Monroe on a first date! Gotta stay away from that STONECUTTER!
D: Look at this SMP guy, he's not getting back in the ring! Luke giving chase around the squared circle, SMP slides under the rope and catches Warm with a stomp when he followed him in. Forearm shiver stuns the bald Texan...
SW: Hey, how'd you know he was from Texas?
D: I dunno, just looks Texan...and very familiar.
SW: This is not to say he is a cowboy! SMP with a snapmare takeover. Kneedrop. He's going to the top. Waits for Luke to stand...Luke caught him coming off with a clothesline of his own! DAMMIT!
D: Sends SMP into the ropes...Lou Thesz press! Machine gun rights to the head! Tags in Nurse Heidi as this crowd here in Helper, Utah goes wild!
SW: Work it, Dave...work it, stroke it...hype it boy, HYPE IT! Heidi in and slaps the taste out of SMP mouth! He goes down! How lucky can this guy be?
D: Getting slapped by a woman and falling to the mat is lucky?
SW: No, I was thinking that SMP has seen both these girls naked. OH YEE-HAW! SMP quickly crawls to his corner and tags in Brianne! LET'S SEE SOME KNOCKERS!
D: What? How can you say such a thing?
SW: Listen, buddy... times have changed since the 80's. Things looking bad for Nurse Heidi, Brianne could whoop Luke and Plants at the same time, Heidi doesn't stand much of a chance. This may be the only time I could cheer against Nurse Heidi...RIP HER UNIFORM OFF, BRIANNE!
D: Dude, you're a pig.
SW: Sue me. Brianne with a side headlock...I'd give anything to be her right now! That Brianne is a tasty dish, too.
Luke: WHAT DID YOU SAY!
SW: Uhhhhhrah. Ummmmmm. Nothing?
D: Heidi pushes out of the headlock, Brianne off the far side ropes, shouldertackle takes Heidi off her feet!
SW: Dammit! Clive, get over there with that camera and get the proper angles! Wait a second, looks like Heidi broke a nail, she's fuming!
D: She just slapped Brianne! Brianne counters with a slap of her own that dropped Heidi like a sack of taters. Look at this, SMP is in the ring and is having words with Brianne! Maybe he DOES have some feelings for Nurse Heidi! He has Brianne by the arm!
SW: Luke won't stand for that! He's in...grabs Plants...STONECUTTER! Luke runs to the corner, climbs it, and gives a double thumbs up. Produces a Yoo-Hoo from thin air and guzzles like a madman. He's coming to check on his sister....STONETTECUTTER! Brianne nailed her sib with his own finisher! HA! You gotta love a face getting jacked with his own move!
D: It appears Brianne didn't like her brother interfering in her relationship! OHHHHH! Splits Luke's legs and delivers a questionable headbutt!
SW: I guess she's in no hurry to be an aunt. Hey, look...there's something going on in the stands, the fans are seperating! FIGHT IN THE STANDS! I LOVE THOSE! Sometimes they're better than the in-ring action!
D: That isn't a fight...two men are coming to the ring as fans grab at them! They're over the rail, and hitting the ring!
(Brianne and Heidi hastingly exit the ring as two men enter. One is darkly tanned and wearing black jeans, black Doc Marten's, and a yellow spandex shirt. The other sports faded blue jeans, Birkenstocks, and a t-shirt two sizes too small that reads "Pain Makes My Nipples Hard".)
SW: The first guy has SMP up for what looks like an airplane spin...wait! 1/3 into the spin he converted it to a Diamond Cutter-like thing! The other guy has Luke, an "Evenflow"-looking DDT! Who the hell are THESE guys? Where'd the girls go? Dammit, I wanted to see some hooters!
D: I channel surf! It's...it's...IT'S THOSE DAMN STUDLYS!
SW: Lord have mercy, that was lame. Studly Mayhem is here? What thA? Hey, they're ciming to ringside...hey, they're coming over here!
Lance Mayhem: (pushing David out his chair and taking his headset, rips off his "Pain" t-shirt.) Is this thing on? Hello? Hey, it's like this. We have something to settle with those two clowns we just left laying in the ring like breeze-less wind socks.
(Cut to ring. SMP sells his bump well with a quivering leg. Luke pulls a rather convincing 'unconscious' look.)
Steve Studnuts: (taking Scotty's headset and adjusting his spandex shirt) Yeah. You fans don't have any idea what we're talking about but there's two jerkweeds out there named Ed and J that know EXACTLY what we're talking about. No longer we will be the hobbies, no longer will we be the side gig when you two get tired of Luke of SMP.
Lance Mayhem: You tell him, Steve. The only difference between Studnuts' rant and that SMP loser is that Steve isn't forced to say 'dookie' fifty times a segment.
Steve Studnuts: Nope, I got 'jerkweed'. And I even saw a Lance promo where he had to drink Yoo-Hoo. Look, jerkwee, uhhhh jerky boys...if you two retards can't come up with anything original for us then we'll eliminate the source of our frustration. Get to the root of the problem, if you will. (points to heavens) We've heard this backwater promotion has a PPV coming up, and we want a match to settle this thing.
Lance Mayhem: Yeah, and you don't even have to pay us, and looking at this shoddy ass ring, that's a blessing for you Boss guys. We'll do it for free. This is personal, baby. (licks his tip of his fingers and massages his nipples in a circular motion.)
Steve Studnuts: Besides, you need the card filler. Your roster looks as thin as Ally McBeal on crank. We want SMP and Luke Warm at your PPV...in a steel cage or a resonable fascimile, so those babies can't have their mommies come in and wipe their dainty asses for them. Just them. Just us. Till then, we're Studly Mayhem and you're not...but we KNOW, you WISH, YOU COULD BE!
Lance Mayhem: And you're wishing...BECAUSE WE RULE! OLD SKOOL!
(Studnuts wads up Scotty's format and smacks him on the back of the head. Lance knocks over the announcer's table to an aburpt cut to static)
©2000 BOB Wrestling!
Foolishness for the New Millennium