OAKLEY: NOT JUST A TOWN.. IT'S AN ATTITUDE!
(Inside the OaksterDome in Oakley, Kansas. The place is packed with a SRO crowd. Of course, the first 500 in free didn't hurt. Total attendance...501. Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi are already at ringside, three chain link walls have been added to the ring...the BOB lackeys are desperately looking for the fourth. As per usual, fans have brought the now almost mandatory cardboard signs. Most notable, 323 "I Got In Free" signs.)
SW: Welcome again to another BOB Coast To Coast Tour stop here on the "Not As Good As Monday" Thursday Show! I'm Scotty Whatbody...
NH: ..and I'm Nurse Heidi..
SW: ..and we'll have a wild one tonight! Leave it to the Li'lBOSS to book his own card, being the ego maniac he is, in a town that shares his last name! We know he loves the steel cage match and ALL MATCHES ARE IN A CAGE TONIGHT! Including a battle royal to determine who becomes the number one contender to face Lord Lestat Von Sexbat for the Pan-Galatic title at Sunday, Bloody Sunday...ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW!
NH: I thought this was Li'lBOSS' home town, and I thought that nasty douja was PG champ...
SW: douja PG? He's a solid 'R' in my book. That guy curses like a Tourette's Syndromed sailor! And we all know Li'lBOSS is from Oakley, Idaho!
NH: You're kidding, right? There can't possibly be two towns with that name.
SW: IT IS! Really! Look it up! In fact, the two towns caused some confusion on the curtain jerker tour bus...Herb Romaine and Zilla are in Idaho, they were the only two on the bus thats driver thought tonight's card was there! Let's go there now, and glad to have you back annoucing with me, Heidi.
NH: I can't say it's mutual. And since when could you guys afford two buses?
(Pan empty Oaktown Arena in Oakley, Idaho. Herb Romaine and Zilla are already in the ring, with one cage wall, some staff, and a wolf rat or two. Zilla is talking to a skateboard, and scolding a ringpost for butting in. GBH is also there, with the recently hired unnamed Second Camera Man to pull this off. Fans in Kansas watch on the BOB-tron, as The Masked Announcer doesn't bother with intros and takes a smoke break.
SW: WHAAASUUUUUUUP, GBH?!
GBH: Duh. Whaaaasuuuup?
NH: Scotty, please stop that.
SW: WHAAAAASu, okay. Hey look, Herb and Zilla are already going at it! This is just like that Funk/Lawler brawl that they had in the early '80's in Memphis. Two men, some staff, and 10,000 empty seats..
NH: Okay, now how is that different from any other BOB show?
SW: They had more staff? Is that a trick question?
NH: OOOOOOH! Herb just sent Zilla into that lone cage wall, now he has him outside the ring and they're getting tangled into those seats at ringside. So much for all matches being in a cage tonight. And are we going to get any insight from GBH?
SW: Do we ever? And besides, the 'card subject to change' clause always saves us from things just like this. Zilla firing back now, weak chop staggers Romaine, they're now rolling in the aisle, plastic non fold chairs are everywhere!
GBH: Duh, bigger guy scratches with claw. Littler guy with tail bite.
(The Second Camera guy zooms out on GBH, he's watching the wolf rats battle over an old popcorn kernel.)
SW: As usual, GBH is useless. But maybe we can sign those two rats in time for SBS.
NH: Whatever, Scotty. (rolls eyes) Herb and Zilla really going at it. Trading punches in this impromtu pinfalls count anywhere match. Herb with a piledriver, the cover...hey, where's the ref?
SW: He's here, of course!
NH: You have a seperate bus for opening match guys and one referee? That figures.
SW: Both men back in the ring now. Herb sends Zilla for the ride, misses the clothesline, Zilla rebounds and connects with a diving headbutt! Hey GBH, make yourself useful and count!
GBH: Huh? Yur...(he gets in the ring)
SW: This oughtta be good...Heidi, want a soda? Mountain Dew Man should be around here somewhere...
NH: Sure. Take your time.
(Meanwhile, back in Idaho...)
GBH: Duh. A one.
(Scotty returns to ringside. He has two drinks, a pair of Oakley FrogSkin™ sunglasses, an Oakley ThermoNuclear Protection™ T-shirt, a foam finger, an official BOB Wrestling Lord Sexbat Blood Drinking Goblet, and a 5 o'clock shadow...)
SW: WOW. You should have seen the lines at the pisser. I thought I was gonna burst my bladder.
NH: That's so gross. And you can't say 'pisser' on television.
GBH: Duh. A two.
SW: Delay guy will get it.
NH: We're live. And besides, doesn't he ride the jobber bus, too?
SW: How dare you call them jobbers. Herb kicks out!
NH: And just barely. *sigh* Collar and elbow, Herb converts to a standing armbar and twist, whips Zilla to the ropes and a back elbow sends Zilla to the floor...
SW: Herb grabs those Old, Outdated Wooden Ring Steps and throws them right against Zilla's head. OH YEAH! Look at the blood flow! What a nasty cut over Zilla's eye! How about that, this match is going to end just like the Funk/Lawler one!
NH: Imagine that. BOB staff extras stepping in between the two men, this one is going to be stopped due to blood loss.
SW: That won't happen at SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY! ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW, WHERE NO MATCH CAN END UNTIL SOMEBODY DOES THE BLADE JOB!
NH: Nice, Scotty. Why don't you spill a few more secrets?
GBH: Hmmmmmm. A two...Yur. Two. (smacks mat again) A two. Heh.
NH: This is terrible. Maybe next time, all the guys can get on the same bus.
SW: Isn't that a Spike Lee Joint?
NH: No, dummy. That's just "Get On The Bus". And don't say joint, I don't want douja coming out here any sooner than he has to.
FANS! It's SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY! On a Sunday. Only on BOB PPV! More blood than a slaughterhouse! More blood than a Red Cross donation center! More blood that a tampon can ever hope to hold! Not like those wussy STWF guys that has their matches END at their juice to win PPV, BOB matches continue, FOREVER, till somebody spills the red! Then it CONTINUES until pin or submission, not by the mere sight of crimson! BUY IT!
NH: That was a terrible promo. How can you guys actually put "tampon" in a PPV advert?
SW: Well, it's not as good as where they usually go, but we live on the edge around here.
NH: You're a pig.
(Final shot from Idaho. GBH is still in crouched position in the ring, Herb is chasing a sheep through the cheap seats area, and a badly bleeding Zilla watches intently as a wolf rat nibbles the wheel of his skateboard.)
MA: This next contest is a cage match. Introducing first, from Geulp, Ontario, Canada..at 5'11" and 235. FANBOY!
(Fanboy walks to the ring with his mother, who is carrying a dead, stuffed cat. Decent pop. Eddie B is still searching his CD collection, and since he can't find Depeche Mode's "Violator" album with "Personal Jesus", Fanboy enters the ring to "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds". Cut to a representative for Christopher Plummer in the corner, pointing out Fanboy to a security guard.)
MA: His opponent, from Soem Where. What? Weighing in at soemthing, and stands soemthing. Who the hell wrote this intro card? SOEM GUY IN A MASK!
(Soem Guy in a Mask walks to the ring to "My Way" By Elvis. Which, despite popular belief...is not a song about Martin Gore. Eddie B storms out of his booth, his CD's in disarray. Soem Guy gets soem boos.)
SW: Soem Guy looks a bit smaller this week. Not good for him since Fanboy looks like he's put away several Twinkies during his lifetime. Look at that tub 'o lard! But still, he's no G.I. Slow. That guy was a whale!
NH: This one is underway. What? No bell? And are they ever going to find a replacement wall to make this a full cage?
SW: It's close enough. Fanboy and Soem Guy hook up. Eyepoke by Soem Guy! Lowblow! That sure was soem dirty tactics. A stomp on Fanboy's ample belly. He's trying to throw him into that mesh. Fanboy doesn't budge!
NH: Looks like Soem Guy would have scouted his opponent better and came out here as a bigger wrestler this week. Why does this guy change all the time? Is this another one of those bad gimmicks like The Black Scorpion? Are we going to find out at the PPV that Soem Guy In A Mask turns out to be Ric Flair?
SW: Or worse...The STWF's Sassy One! WHOOO!
NH: Fanboy's girth saved him from meeting one of those three cage walls, Soem Guy couldn't move him. Fanboy with a hard right, staggers the masked man. Shuffles around and sends Soem Guy face first into the cage!
SW: Quick cover, 1...2...kick out. Generic Ref out of position a little on that one. Fanboy picks Soem Guy up. Bodyslam! Bounces off the ropes...misses a bellysplash!
NH: The smaller Soem Guy used his speed to escape Fanboy's rotund jelly belly. Maybe that was his scouting report. He'll use speed instead of power...
SW: I'm still trying to figure out why that tubby kid is called Fanboy and not Fatboy. Soem Guy now in control, backs Fanboy into the turnbuckle and nails him with soem chops!
crowd: "WHOOOOOEM, WHOOOOOEM!"
NH: Snap mare out of the corner, Soem Guy looks like he's going to leave the ring. Sees Fanboy's deranged mother and decides to climb to the top. The dalay costs him, Fanboy is up and sweeps his foot...
SW: That'll slow anybody down! And I wouldn't leave the ring either if I saw an old lady rubbing her dead Bushy.
NH: Watch it, Scotty...
SW: That's the cat's name, right? Soem Guy straddling the corner, Fanboy has him...FATKID SUPERPLEX!
NH: OH MY! Generic caught a foot to the head as Soem Guy In A Mask came down...he's OUT! Fanboy has the cover...but G.R. is incapacitated just long enough for some "Tom Foolery" to take place and then awake in time for an unjust three count!
SW: Talk about me spilling secrets! Hey, it's Hitchcock! He's waddling down the aisle and is in the ring, so much for this cage deterring outside interference! He has a stunned Fanboy, who's own superplex winded as well, and has him in an airplane spin!
NH: I'm guessing he calls that "Vertigo", right? (rolls eyes)
SW: That'd be a good guess since I don't see any birds. Hitchcock drags Soem Guy across Fanboy and rolls his fat, dead butt out of the ring. Look! Fanboy's mom is attacking him with that cat!
NH: Generic Ref, miraculously comes to. One, Two, Three! This one is in the books.
MA:Your winner...SOEM GUY IN A MASK!
SW: Listen to those boos, this is a very unpopular decision. Fanboy is back up! He has Soem Guy, that was busy celebrating a rare win, whips in into the turnbuckle...FAT CAMP! Meanwhile, Fanboy's mother is smothering Hitchcock with her Bushy! Look at Fanboy at that jelly roll belly. HE'S GETTIN' JIGG-LY WIT IT! NANA NA NANANA. GETTIN' JIGG-LY WIT IT!
NH: You're getting very close to getting us in trouble with those feline remarks...
SW: What? I didn't name the cat. Hitchcock and Soem Guy sneak away from the ring, as Fanboy and his mom yell threats. Fanboy's mom still clutching her deceased pussy.
SW: ....cat. Sheesh, let me finish why don't cha?
BOB Wrestling is brought to you in part by Meltin' Badly Toys. And, Gooey Nuts, the ONLY glazed peanut in the world. There's nuthin' like a Gooey Nut. Girls love 'em! Get your Gooey Nut tonight!
SW: Hey, Dennis is in the Backstage Area™ with the participants in our next match, let's go there now...
(Pan Backstage Area™. Fanboy is being led away by security as the Christopher Plummer rep signs papers. Fanboy is handcuffed and yelling barely audible profanities. Dennis ignores the fracas and enters The Unethical Ethnic Alliance dressing room. This show, it happens to be a large broom closet, "Charlie" the unfortunate victim of the shortest straw ...)
Dennis: I say, old chap...looks like you got your hands full tonight, "Charlie".
"Charlie": Wha yoo say? Dennie, mee soo tire awf alway fighin' dese same guy. We finiss diss tonigh! SOOKIE!
Dennis: Jolly good! Blackjack Hooligan, any words on this big match-up?
Hooligan: Aye lahdie, you wooldn't happen too have a beer on ya woold ya?
Dennis: Good heavens, no... (pushes bottle of cheap ripple further down in his coat pocket) Kong, any comments?
Dennis: GOOD SHOW! Back to you, Scotty and Heidi!
SW: Great job, Dennis! Hey, what about that thing with Fanboy? Looks like he's gonna spend the night in the pokey!
NH: Well, I just hope he gets out by the PPV. What a bad night for Fanboy. He gets cheated out of a win and now is heading to the slammer.
SW: Don't worry, his mom can go there and flash her kitty around...
NH: Hold it right there, Scotty.
SW: Wow, there's some serious booing going on in here...oh okay, "Charlie" is bringing his charges to the ring. What happened to their intro music...
(Jump cut to Eddie B. He's just sitting there with his arms folded.)
SW: Eddie B. looks like he's on strike! Whatever you do, don't take a DJ's vinyl! Li'lBOSS is there with him...
EB: Yo, li'l man, where my shiddat?
LB: Excuse me, Eddie?
EB: WHERE.. is.. MY.. shiddat? Ya'll got some whack bullchit up in dis mofo. Who took my beats?
LB: Well, The BigBOSS had to hock some of..well, all of the intro tunes to cover PPV expenses. Just keep using his personal collection until after SBS, okay? Oh yeah, don't play that Barbie World song again, it gives me a headache...
EB: Man, ya'll keep dis up I'm going back to Chi-town. Make some bank up there.. Ya'll do whateva..but don't be sellin' my house jams. Man, come on...
LB: Have you ever heard of DJ Run? That guy with WCW a while back..
LB: Unless you want to end up like him, never to be heard from again, just play what you have. The BigBOSS was kind enough to loan us his stuff. Just play it or join Run at the bread line.
EB: Yassir. (mumbles "muddah fu...")
LB: What was that?
(back to Scotty and Nurse Heidi)
SW: Gee, Li'lBOSS sure is big you know what for such a little guy.
NH: Yeah, but Dennis has found The Craigs and Sir Ronald Killalot..so let's go there now.
(Cut to just outside the pantry. It appears Mike Craig drew the second shortest straw)
Dennis: I say old boy, what do you think your chances are tonight?
Mike Craig: We're going to WIN. And don't think I can't handle myself out there, you saw what that Arquette guy did, right?
Dennis: 'Fraid I missed that one. Thanks. Josh, your thoughts?
Joshua Craig: Are there any leeches or sushi involved in this match? Dad, can we just go home?
Dennis: Smashing input. Ronald, you like your chances?
Killalot: Have I made enough money here to buy a house yet?
Dennis: Wonderful rant, old chap. Jolly Good! Scotty...
SW: *sigh*. Well, The Unethicals are in the ring...this should be a good one.
NH: You keep saying that...
(The Craigs and SRK with Mary Beth exit to "Come On Over" by Christina Aguilera. Mary Beth walking REALLY close to Josh. A nice pop given as their feud with the hated UEA reaches a boiling point. "Charlie" waves his riding crop around in the three walled cage to draw some more heel heat. Jack Hooligan quickly guzzles a Lone Star Irish Lager.)
SW: Okay, here we go. It looks like it's going to be Blackjack Hooligan starting off against Joshua Craig. But...they're both just standing there.
SW: It's the younger Craig squaring off against the lime green redneck. Brief tie up, knee to the gut by Jack lifts Josh off the mat. Forearm shot sends him sprawlin'! Jack with a quick tag to Kong. OH YEAH!
NH: Are you ever going to get over that heel support announcer bit? Kong has Josh and flings him into the ropes, catches him around the waist and hoists him straight up into the air! Josh lands hard on his abdomen...
SW: Too bad he isn't Ernest Miller or Jerry Lawler's girlfriend...he coulda landed on his feet!
SW: Kong lifts a limp Josh and points to that ominous steel mesh. COME ON KONG, BUST HIM OPEN!
NH: Josh with the reverse...and sends Viet Kong into the cage! Kong wobbly, Josh off the ropes, baseball slides under the dazed Kong. Dropkick right to his back, Josh tags Killalot!
SW: He should have tagged his Dad in. Sir Ronald with a DDT. Covers. One, kickout sends him flying. It's gonna take more than that.
NH: Killalot looking uncertain on how he should attack the biological warfared genetic freak. A series of rights to that Executioner's Hood. Uppercut. He's trying for a suplex, can't get the ape like hairy man over...
SW: Josh in, trying a double suplex. Still can't get him! Kong suplexes both Ronald and Craig! Kong takes Josh and tosses him against that cage. Bodyslam on Killalot! Tags Hooligan back in...
NH: Okay, enough of the senseless prelude to what everybody wants to see. Flip to page 36.
SW: I agree. (shuffles through papers) DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! Josh is down, and man... he's bleeding like a stuck pig. Kong tags "Charlie", Hooligan taunts the crowd! Listen to those boos!
NH: "Charlie" is in and quickly applies his Oriental Spike, "The Tet Offensive"! This one could be over...Generic Ref lifting Josh's arm... one time it drops, another...
SW: HEY LOOK! Mary Beth is in the ring! Stupid three side cage! She just slapped "Charlie"! Hooligan is in, Sir Ronald with a double leg pickup and takes Jack off his feet and down to the canvas. Fires away with several rights. They roll around on the mat with the ever popular "hit me, roll over and let me hit you some" bit. They're locked up in the corner...
NH: Kong has Mary Beth, who quickly wrestles free and dives to the floor, Josh tags his father! "Charlie" never saw that haymaker coming! The cover! ONE...TWO...THR...
SW: Kong breaks it up and throws the elder Craig into the cage so hard we were almost down to a two sider! Kong turns and is cought by a Josh Craig cross bodyblock off the top! ONE...TWO...THR...
NH: Hooligan makes the save! Irish Noggin' Claw on Josh's bleeding forehead, this could do it. Josh slumps to the mat, he shoulders down. ONE...TWO...THR...
SW: SAVED BY "CHARLIE"!
NH: What? You're on the wrong page, dear...
SW: My bad. (flips one back) SAVE BY MARY BETH! Killalot over, MCPILEDRIVER ON JACK HOOLIGAN! That's gotta be it! ONE...TWO...NO! (flips page) SAVED BY "CHARLIE"!
NH: Generic Ref has had enough, he's throwing up his arms in disgust and motioning to call this one off. Kong now has Killalot and is grinding his head against that cage. Hooligan and Josh lay motionless in the ring, Mary Beth nursing Josh. Mike Craig is choking "Charlie" with his own riding crop...
SW: Did you say Mary Beth was nursing Josh? Can we show that on television?
NH: Why does everything I say have to slide through the gutter with you? You're so immature, Scotty. Pandemonium in the ring.
("Taking Care Of Business" begins to play. The BigBOSS walks to the ring with purpose flanked by Lock, Shock, and Barry. He has his own mic. Hey, he's the BOSS.)
BB: ENOUGH! I'm tired of you men never being able to settle this thing. So, I'll settle it once and for all! At Sunday, Bloody Sunday, it'll be you, Josh Craig and Sir Ronald Killalot, against Viet Kong and Blackjack Hooligan one final time...for the vacant "You Gotta Have Friends" tag-team titles!
BB: Shut up, Scotty. I have the floor. And just so there's no interference THIS time..."Charlie" is going to be suspended above the ring in a small cage!
"Charlie" WHA?! DAT'S BOOLSHEET!
Mike Craig: HA HA!
BB: Don't laugh, Mr. Craig...you're going to be in there with him!
Mike Craig: But...but, I'm afraid of heights.
BB: So? And as for you Mary Beth, you're banned from ringside. No time limit, No DQ. You fight until there's a winner and THERE MUST BE A WINNER! Have a nice day.
(The head honcho leaves to a "we hate you at the moment for making a match we can't see in person" ruckus.)
SW: HOLY SNIKEYS! Imagaine that. As hot as this feud is, THE MAN is gonna have 'em go at it with titles on the line! WHOO HOO!
NH: Your forced enthusiasm is almost as annoying as Schiavone's. Almost. Well, The Unethicals and The Craigs slash Killalot are leaving the ring, I guess that means it's time for our main event, huh Scotty?
SW: Dunno. I still don't even know what the main event is.
("Gots More Moves Than Exlax" by The Hershey Squirts plays. The Li'lBOSS comes out also with Lock, Shock, and Barry. He too has his own mic, albeit shorter.
LB: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF OAKLEY, KANSAS! What a great name for a town. THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT! A cage battle royal to determine the number one contender and Lord Lestat Von Sexbat's opponent for Sunday, Bloody Sunday. ONLY ON PPV!
(A mild "golf clap" is heard)
LB: It's the BRAWLER'S ON A BUDGET ROYALE 'O CAGE 'O RAMA! Here's how it works. I'll use the now legendary BOB Medium Sized Bucket™ to pull five names. Those men will fight in a battle royal type format. Whether over the ropes, over the cage, you hit the floor...you're gone. The last man of those five will meet four more men courtesy of the Bucket until we wittle down to two men.
SW: Then what?
LB: Shhhhh. I'm talking. The last two men will battle it out for the shot at Sexbat. But...the loser of those two will not be a loser at all. He'll contest for the Swiss Army Title at Sunday Bloody, Sunday against Homicidal Hank, whose first title reign was marred by controversy and we feel deserves some redemption.
NH: (whispering to Scotty) More like Hank threatened to kill them if he didn't get the shot.
SW: (whispering back)Really. I never saw a midget move so fast to get under a desk in my life.
LB: FLUNKIE! Bring me the Medium Sized Bucket of BOB!
(The Flunkie runs down to ringside carrying a normal looking metal bucket. Slips of paper fall out as he runs down the aisle. He hands it to the drawl exec.)
LB: Let's get this party started with the first five. (pulls a slip out) BIVAVLE!
(Bivavle enters to "Dancing Queen" by The A*Teens)
LB: SLIGHTLY GAY RAY!
(One half of Too Lame comes out to "Saturday Night" by The Bay City Rollers")
LB: MOUNTAIN DEW MAN!
(He enters to "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch". Quick shot of Eddie B. shaking his booty.)
LB: (digs deep into bucket) ALEX "NO GIMMICK" SMITH!
(Not only does he have no gimmick...no song, either.)
SW: Five? Okay, he's the fifth one...but what's his name?
LB: That IS his name. He claims to be Four's, of the STWF, older brother. Masked Annoucer, do the honors!
MA: LET'S GET IT ON!
(Five enters to "Karma Chameleon" By Culture Club. As soon as he hits the ring, all five men go to swinging wildy.)
SW: Man, BigBOSS should does have a variety of musical taste. MOUNTAIN DEW MAN ELIMINATED! He lasted almost as long as his only BOB interview! That missing cage wall making elimination a little easier. Bivavle credited with MDM's departure!
NH: What's with that Mountain Dew guy, anyway? I mean, what's his gimmick? Some poor attempt by the Pepsi Corporation to appeal to new consumers?
SW: Dunno. Stupid on their part, though. Wrestling is viewed mostly by rural area people, or in some circles...rednecks. If my cultural stereotyping is correct, they already drink Mountain Dew.
NH: Nice, Scotty. Five with a fivearm to Alex Smith's jaw. Bivavle trying to get Slightly Gay Ray over the rope on the missing wall side of the ring.
SW: Slightly Gay? How is someone slightly gay? Do they just...
NH: Watch it, now. Ray mule kicks Bivalve and frees himself. Five with a Figure Four on one Alex Smith. Ray breaks that up.
SW: Slightly Gay takes a stunned Five and deposits him over the top rope...Five is 86ed! Ray is celebrating, taunting the eliminated grapper, and Smith sends SGR over the top. RAY IS GONE, TOO!
NH: I don't believe this...two jWo'ers are left from the first batch.
SW: Yeah, but did you notice Bivavle is using his own name? And Smith is back with no gimmick and no guitar? Maybe the jWo is through. Maybe they couldn't figure out which sucked the worse of the group to be the white and black version and which got to be the red and black.
NH: Good point. Both men trading punches in the middle of the ring. Alex is staggered... Bivavle charges and is backdropped over the top! Alex Smith outlasts the first group!
SW: Should see four more any minute now...
(Mr. X runs down to ringside to "Hammer Smashed Face" by Cannibal Corpse. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants follows to "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo. Andrew Spink appears. Prodigy's "Smack My B*tch Up" is played briefly for him. DJ Rawkus rounds out the foursome to "Love Plus One" by Haircut 100.)
SW: HEY! There's your boy, SMP. He goes right after Smith. Andrew Spink hooks up with Mr. X...Rawkus is now helping X with a double team on the troll!
NH: Little people, Scotty. I think they prefer to be called "little people". Sil with a short clothesline on Alex. Mr. X. and DJ send Spink into the steel! Rawkus now over and nails Plants with a knee to the back. Looks like these jWo guys are going to work together to get that title shot for one of their members...
SW: Now Plants and Spink have ended up on one side of the ring together, they face off against Smith, X, and Rawkus. Looks like the former plastic surgeon and the tiny terror have formed an eleventh hour alliance! However brief it my be, they have to do whatever they can to be the survivor!
NH: Scotty, please use anything to describe this other than SURVIVOR. I've had that crap rammed down my throat for 13 weeks to the point I want to puke. And that finish was as crooked as a BOB main event pre-PPV! I still think Kelly should have won the million. Hmph. Sil takes Andrew and military presses him, tosses him onto the three push impared grapplers and takes them all off their feet!
SW: Of the guys in the ring, SMP has the experience edge. Sends Mr. X over the top rope, he's gone! Commercial? WHAT? NOW?
BUY FULL COURT PRESS! ONLY ON PAY PER VIEW!
SW: What the hell? Not only did we go to commercial during a match, it was for the wrong PPV!
NH: You sound...surprised, Scotty. Why? Spink with a low bridge DDT on Rawkus. Sil holding on as Alex Smith tries to get him out of the ring. I'll admit, that missing cage wall sure is speeding up things as far as eliminations.
SW: The Little Big Man just eliminated Smith from behind! Alex never saw him coming! And probably wouldn't have even he he was looking, the midget height served him well on that one. Plants back in, he's motioning for Spink to go up top, looks like an elborate elimination planned for Rawkus!
NH: Not if I know Sil...
SW: Plants just eliminated Spink by pushing up and over the cage as Spink climbed the turnbuckle! What a turn coat! Plants now takes a exhausted Rawkus and dumps him to the floor!
NH: Now you know why the STWF's Bohemoth dubbed Sil "the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer In Wrestling."
SW: Here comes MC Carjack, the other half of "Too Lame"-Too Fat Matt, and BOBO! HERE COMES BOBO Q. FIENDISH! But that's only three...
NH: Maybe Li'lBOSS ran out of paper...
SW: Plants is scaling the wall! Bobo is in the ring, Matt and Carjack attack him. DOUBLE NOGGIN' KNOCKER! Bobo sends Carjack into the third row...does that count? Matt is sent over the top. IT'S BOBO AND SMP! ALONE IN THE RING!
NH: Sil looks like he's trying to climb out of the cage...Bobo has a hand full of his slacks...WHOOPS!
SW: THERE'S A FULL MOON OUT TONIGHT!
NH: Funny. I never knew Sil had a birthmark there.
SW: You talking about that brown smudge on his cheek? I don't think that is a birthmark...
NH: Bobo sends SMP face first into the mesh! These two have been waiting a long time to meet, well, at least Bobo has...
SW: Hey, I guess we know who number four was from the last group now...LOOK UP THERE!
A lone spotlight shines up into the rafters. Kamakazie Ken lowers to the ring on a cable without fear...for he wears a red cape, not a blue blazer.)
SW: "FAREWELL TO THE FLESH" ON PLANTS! Ken's cable snaps and he crashes on top of Bobo! All three men are out! Wait a minute...LOOK IN THE STANDS!
NH: Oh no...it's those Studly Mayhem guys again. Do they even have contracts here?
SW: I'm not going to tell them they can't be here. Steve Studnuts has SMP, Lance grabs the doc's ankles...SPIKE PILEDRIVER! Studnuts now over and is putting the boots to Bobo! Ken comes two, resets his hip, and joins in kicking Fiendish! Lance plays with his own nipples!
NH: In a split second, Sil and Bobo went from bitter enemies to fighting together!
SW: Why is Ken helping those guys? Is it just becuase he wants revenge for Bobo leaving him in that trunk from NAGAM 6 to MMM 10? Just happenstance that Bobo was in the ring with Plants...Studly Mayhem's current target?
NH: Come on, Scotty. It's no secret that Ken was running buddies with Steve and Lance in another fed. It's all over the web sites. Ken has eliminated Bobo! KK cost Bobo his belt, and now his chance to regain it! Triple team on Sil! Scotty, you gotta do something!
SW: I ain't getting in there...are you crazy?!
NH: Something has got to be done...(she gets up)
SW: What are doing? Where are you going? Nurse Heidi is in the ring! She slaps Lance Mayhem! Studnuts grabs her arm, Ken is kissing her! These guys are thugs! Bobo is back up! Bobo is back in the ring! We all know his stance about male on female violence in wrestling! Grabs Lance and sends him into the cage! Studnuts ducks under the ropes, followed by Ken...Bobo giving chase!
(douja comes out with the Pan-Galactic title, followed by XXXtreme Machine, Soem Guy In A Mask, and Justin Voss. All enter to "Baby I Need Your Loving" by The Four Tops. Nurse Heidi returns to ringside.)
SW: Are you okay?
NH: Yeah, no thanks to you.
SW: Somebody had to uhhhh...call the action. Flunkie tells me one of these men will win. Li'lBOSS IS out of paper and everybody else is booked for the PPV.
NH: SMP is really beeding badly. Looks like he's going to need some 5.0 Nylon tonight.
SW: douja dumps the limp SMP over the top rope with XXXtreme Machine's help. Justin Voss and SGIAM trading blows on the other side. Man, SGIAM looks a lot thinner than he did earlier. And since when did he have breasts?
NH: Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that sports bra.
SW: SMP needing assitance to the back. What a match that's going to be at Sunday, Bloody Sunday when he and Luke finally face those Studlys. Where is Luke anyway?
NH: Like I know. We're just scripted lovers, Scotty. Luke is nice and all...but it's an angle.
SW: Does that mean you're still available? Like to go out after...
NH: No. Voss bouncing Big SeXXXY's head off that cage like a racquetball..takes him by the seat of his pants...he's history! It's douja, Voss, and Soem Guy In A Mask. One of these men will face Lord Sexbat for the Pan-Galatic strap!
SW: IT'S LORD SEXBAT RUNNING TO THE RING! He was lurking in the shadows!
NH: Like HE could lurk in a shadow..he practically glows in the dark. OOOOH! He just whallopped Voss with Yorick, that skull he carries around! Soem Guy taking off his mask! It's Soem Girl In a Mask! One of Sexbat's goth groupies!
SW: It's a set-up! Sexbat just threw Voss over the top! It'll be Sexbat and douja at SBS! Now look, Homicidal Hank came down and just nailed Voss with a chair! They'll meet for the Swiss Army title, Justin was the runner up! Sexbat is doing his Dance of Sadness for the Happy Birdy Dance Justin! He just clocked douja in the skull with that skull! What's that succubi doing? This is uncontrolled madness!
NH: She's taking an ape suit out of a dufflebag at rindside, they're putting it on douja!
SW: WOW! Talk about about a racial slur!
NH: I always thought douja was white. Besides, I think it's a knock of douja's intellegence, not his skin color.
SW: douja laying unconscious in the ring, inside a gorilla suit! Sexbat grabs his belt back..and has a mic!
Lord Sexbat: You foul, wretch gutter-snipe, douja! Thou want thy title from thee? You needth EARN IT! Thou art no match for SUPERIOR VAMPIRE INTELLECT! MOO HOO HA HA! MOO HOO HA HA! (kicks douja in the groin)
SW: JIMINY CHRISTMAS! Listen to those boos! What a main event that's going to be! Hey, we're out of time...join us for SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY! For Nurse Heidi, I'm Scotty Whatbody. SEE YOU AT THE PAY PER VIEW! We hope, I need a new jacket!
©2000 BOB Wrestling!
Foolishness for the New Millennium-Got More Angles Than Geometry