ON THE ROAD AGAIN... AND BROKE AS WILLIE NELSON!
(Clive scans the run down shanty in Hazard, Kentucky, affectionately known simply as "The Rasslin' Shack". Signs pop up as Clive circles the vast(?) crowd. Most seen: "I Smell Cow Pies". The floor is dirt covered, the fans sit on wooden bleachers. But after SBS and all the blown money, it's the best we could find. Cut to Scotty Whatbody at ringside.)
SW: Good Evening! Welcome to another "Not As Good As Monday" Thursday Night! Following the tradition of other popular Thursday shows and one moved to Wednesday, we give you the leftovers from the more exciting Monday Night Show or in this case the last PPV! I don't even know who my announce partner is the week, Nurse Heidi isn't here...and by the smell of this building I don't blame her!
(Sade's "Smooth Operator" begins to play. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is wheeled out by The Flunkie in a wheelchair with a "halo" device around his head and shoulders for C-Spine support. Good pop accompanies the Doc as Flunkie pulls in right beside Scotty, then flees to clean his shoe.)
SW: JEEZUS H. CHRISTMAS! What happened, SMP?
SMP: Well, Scotty...as you can see, at Sunday, Bloody Sunday I suffered a career ending injury. I felt a twinge in my neck during the match with Studly Mayhem just after Studnuts hit me with his Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver and a snap during the Bobo match. After examination later that evening, it appears my 5th cervical vertebre was fractured. So, I have been reduced to what all over-the-hill wrestlers eventually become...ringside analyst. Please don't stare.
SW: Wow. (tries not to look at him)
SMP: Yes. In my attempt to get over as a legit face character...I wrestled two brutal matches in the same night to give the fans what they wanted. As it turned out, my match with Bobo was my last. I hope he's happy.
SW: Cool. Can I touch it?
SMP: Touch what?
SW: The halo thing.
SMP: No. Fans, we have a pretty good card. Indicative of a typical Thursday Night. First, a man I lost a match to back in my early days in the STW(dubbed silence)...
SW: YOU lost to Xenomorph?!
SMP: No, you idiot! Claude Leroux. He was a Canadian Mountie then, but now he's a sheep shearer from Wakiwhatever, New Zealand..but still dangerous. Do the honors/honours Masked Announcer.
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! This first jobber squash match is set for one fall. First, from Acheron, Outer Quadrants and the jWo. At 6-10 and 240...XENOMORPH!
(The theme from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" plays. Xenomorph comes down the dusty aisle to his theme music mixed with chirping crickets. He enters the ring and hands Generic Ref his Spock ears. A tumbleweed rolls by. Scotty looks around to see if the crowd is still there.)
MA: His opponent, making his Brawler's on a Budget debut. From New Zealand and that's about all we know. CLAUDE "LIGHTNING CLIPPERS" LEROUX!
(Claude enters playing an accordion rendition of Beck's "Devil's Haircut". He mounts the turnbuckle and holds a pair of sheep sheers over his head. Crowd cheers, but others boo....considering this spousal abuse. Go figure.)
SW: And there's the cow bell! This one is underway as Xenomorph attacks Claude from behind! Right hands from the jobber lifer! Scoop bodyslam, quick cover...
SMP: Leroux kicks out of that with no problem, but Xenomorph is still in control. The much taller man using that size to his advantage. Side headlock. Claude pushes off and catches a shoulder tackle that takes him off his feet. Xenomorph bounds off the ropes again...Claude rolls to his belly and Xenomorph over the top. Off the far side ropes now...single leg takedown by Leroux as he scissored Xeno's left ankle with his own legs!
SW: Good text book maneuver by the goat herder! Floats up to a rear chinlock...
SMP: He's not a goat herder, Scotty. Sheep is his game. But you're close. Sheep ARE related to goat.
SW: Sheep? Why sheep? First Psrmzlvkwhatever. Then Herb. Now this guy?
SMP: I'm pretty sure Herb and Claude have different reasons for hanging out with sheep. GET IT? GOT IT?
SW: Gotcha. Xenomorph back up. Elbow to Claude's bread basket sets him free. Eyerake! Xenomorph sends Claude across the ring with an Irish whip...lowers his head for a backdrop....
SMP: DDT! That wasn't a telegraph, that was an e-mail! Xenomorph announced that WAY in advance. Claude making scissor motions with his fingers, I think this one is over...there it is...THE SHEEPER HOLD!
SW: XENOMORPH IS DONE!
SMP: There's no way he's going to escape that Cloverleaf/Sleeper! Claude's holding Xenomorph on his back like a sheep...look at him pulling on that one leg! Xenomorph is out!
SW: LOOK! IT'S HERB ROMAINE! I guess he doesn't like that blantant mockery of sheep carrying. He hammers Claude with a right hand! Herb has brought a sheep with him and now both are putting the boots/hooves to Leroux! Herb now tossing Xenomorph out of the ring...
SMP: That gave Claude some time to regroup, he's heading for his bag of shears! He's got Herb's sidekick and is trying to shave him! It must be a natural reaction!
MA: Your winner of the match by submission...CLAUDE LEROUX!
SW: Here comes Zilla! Mountain Dew Man! They're attacking Herb!
SMP: And here comes Fanboy, the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore champion with a wagon full of semi dangerous objects. I guess the shopping cart idea was taken! This crowd has livened up, though... listen to those cheers!
(Shot of Eddie B. just after placing his "Stadium Noise" disc into a CD player.)
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! The next contest is a Ring Full of Semi-Dangerous Stuff™ Elimination Hardcore Match for the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore title! Already in the ring... Zilla, Mountain Dew Man, Herb Romaine, and the champion, FANB... I'm getting out of here! LET'S GET IT ON!
SMP: Look at that, Herb Romaine just jumped over the top rope onto Claude Leroux who was still trying to shear his buddy! He's eliminated himself!
SW: Not only that, Claude was flashing an "I Love Mutton Chops" t-shirt! He's chasing Claude up the aisle...Claude's chasing the sheep, maybe Herb is chasing the sheep. I don't know anymore!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, Herb Romaine has been eliminated!
SW: He's a lover, not a fighter!
SMP: Herb didn't last long, I guess some things are more important to him than winning a title. At any rate, Zilla and Mountain Dew Man still will not get any revenge for what Herb did to them at SBS. But, they still have a chance to win the Hardcore Title. Or maybe not! Fanboy just nailed MDM with the always dangerous cookie sheet! That's going to leave a mark!
SW: It already did! Look at the bend in that sheet!
SMP: I was talking about his head, dummy. I've been THERE. I've DONE THAT. It might look innocent, but it really does hurt.
SW: Nice sell, former wrestler turned announcer.
SMP: Hey, I might be in traction, but I could still take off this shoe, remove this sock....
SW: Just kidding, man. Zilla looking through the items...finds a precut broom and breaks it over the champ's back! He's trying to get him over the rope...broken up by Mountain Dew Man!
SMP: Mountain Dew Man. *pffft* What a gimmick. What's next? A guy with meat sticks on his head calling himself Slim Jim and yelling "EAT ME!"?
SW: Don't give them any ideas, Doc.
SMP: Right. MDM with a sidewalk slam on the champion! Now he's choking him with a spool of yarn, Zilla over and spin wheel kicks the seven foot soft drink guy. Fanboy fires back on Zilla with a bag of microwave pop corn! What the hell kinda match IS THIS?
SW: Dunno, but popcorn and a Mountain Dew sure sounds good right now. Fanboy trying to eliminate Zilla...Mountain Dew Man settin up for a double clothesline to send them both out!
SMP: THEY DUCKED! Mountain Dew Man goes over the top and down to the floor!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen...Mountain Dew Man has been eliminated!
SMP: This one is going fast, it's down to Zilla and Fanboy! The champ with a bodyslam onto that wagon. Zilla writhing in pain. Oh dookie, now what?
SW: There's a man coming down from the rafters on a propelled hang glider!
SMP: Wait a minute, that looks like the same guy that interrupted a boxing match some years ago. Bowe/Holyfield I think it was. Yes, it IS him! It's FanMAN!
SW: I thought it was Kamakazie Ken.
SMP: Don't be stupid. Ken would have been chewed up by the propeller by now. Zilla, still holding his back, waffled Fanboy with his skateboard, Wes!
SW: But he couldn't get out of FanMan's way! The hang glider with a double foot to Zilla's chest...sending him over the top rope!
SMP: Now that's HARDCORE! *yawn* Zilla is irate! He's taking swings at ringsiders, this man is outtacontrol™!
(FanMan does a 360 over the ring and ends up tangled in the ropes. Somewhere, Kamakazie Ken scoffs and whispers "wuss".)
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, Zilla has been eliminated! The winner, and STILL "Are You Out Of Your Fickin' Mind" Hardcore Champion....FANBOY!
SMP: Well, that was surreal. Looks like Fanboy retains his title, but perhaps Zilla deserves a return bout in the near future due to this FanMan guy's interference. But for now, FanBOY still has the strap...
SW: And maybe finds his father! You know, he's only done interviews with his crazy mother so far.
SMP: I hope not. FanMan being Fanboy's father is strictly WCW material. I thought that Russo guy was supposed to be some kind of genius.
SW: Haven't a clue what you're talking about.
(Cut to Backstage. Josh Craig is seen with his father, Mike.)
Josh: Dad, why do I have to wrestle Ronald? He's my partner!
Mike: (in a whiny voice) Why do I have to wrestle Ah Choo the Giant. Why do I have to wrestle Ronald. Wah wah wah! (returns to normal voice) Is that all you do is complain? It's the luck of the draw, kid. Now get out there and prove who's the leader of your team! Make me proud, son!
Josh: But Da-a-a-a-a-a-d!
(Cut to other side of room, but you didn't notice it's the same one.)
Mary Beth: Ronald, be careful with Josh out there, okay? Don't hurt my snookums.
Sir Ronald Killalot: Snookums? HAW HAW! (grabs stomach as if in a painful belly laugh)
Josh from off camera: I HEARD THAT!
(Back to ringside...)
SW: Wow, they just won the belts and already there's dissention in the ranks.
SMP: Well, factor in a title hungry father, a valet of one guy that likes his partner, and then the kid's father doesn't like the valet. Plus, the tag-team partners get chosen at random to wrestle each other. It's a recipe for disaster. Trust me, I was in a similar situation for months.
SW: That reminds me, since you're all immobile and everything...do you think I have a chance with Nurse Heidi?
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! This next match is set for one fall and is a "Hazardous Hazard Streetfight"...it's come as you are! Introducing first, one half of the "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag-Team Champions, from Oakbrook, Illinois, with his father, Mike..."THE DISENFRANCHISED" JOSHUA CRAIG!
(Eddie B. cues Limp Bizkit's "Nookie" after briefly playing Nirvana's "Come As You Are". Josh enters with his father, who is holding Josh's tag title. Good pop for the A&F wearing lad...complete with baggy cargo pants and Airwalks.)
MA: His opponent, courtesy of BOB's legendary Medium Sized Bucket™, the other half of the "YGHF" tag-team champions, accompanied by Mary Beth...SIR RONALD KILLALOT!
(Eddie B. spins Beck's "Loser" with a "Chokin' on a Splinter" Eddie inspired mix. The knight and his not yet legal valet come down the aisle also to a good pop. Mary steps on a cow pie, the cheers increase. Meanwhile, BOB management worries about the state of affairs in the promotion, having now heard two Beck songs in the same night. SRK wears the usual knight looking garb.)
SW: This should be very interesting...I wonder what will happen when we get down to the nitty gritty if Mary Beth sides with Killalot or Joshua...
SMP: Doesn't look like we'll find out, look coming out from the back, Scotty!
SW: IT'S THE BARBADOS SKANKS AGAIN! And J.C. Brawley! They're in the ring!
SMP: Mike Craig has been hit by Brawley! The Skanks are all over the champs! Josh just got belted with one of those voodoo bones these guys carry around, that cut is never going to heal! He's busted open again!
SW: The other Skank is beating Ronald with his own chainmail! It's been so long since I've seen the Skanks in the Whatever fed I can't even remember their names!
SMP: Does it really matter? We can always just call them Skank 1 and 2 for now.
SW: Works for me. Skank 1 whips a bloody Josh into the turnbuckle..charges in. Josh got the foot up! Skank 1 got a lip full of Airwalk on that one! Looks like this is turning into a tag match!
SMP: I doubt it Scotty, this is what's know as a "teaser".
SW: Oh yeah, I think I've mentioned that before. Sir Ronald just belted Skank 2 with his sheild. Joshua with a missle dropkick on the other Skank! They've cleared the ring!
SMP: Look at that, the Skanks are on the outside now and have Mary Beth! J.C Brawley has a mic...
J.C.: Okay, listen up! Either you guys give my Skanks a shot at your titles, or we do...like, voodoo stuff to the girl and you'll never see her again!
Sir Ronald: Go ahead. I've been trying to get her out of my trailer for months...
Mike Craig: Yeah! And she's no good for my son! Put a hex on her, go on now. Hex her...
Josh Craig: WAIT! Dad, I like her! She likes me! Give us a chance to talk this over...
J.C.: You have one week to answer in the Rant Zone! No answer, no girl. No shot, no girl. HA HA HA! Here, you can keep her for now, it's not like we can't get her again...HA HA HA!
SW: COOL! But what's to keep The Skanks from just doing this over and over?
SMP: Sheesh, Scotty. You know the fans will lose interest in anything rehashed. Look at Hogan's Red and Yellow comeback. Need I say more?
SW: Nope! Loud and clear. Josh now attending Mary Beth at ringside, SRK is struggling with Mike Craig over the tag-team titles. That's a shame, I was kinda in the mood for that streetfight. Hey, Josh and Mary Beth are leaving Mike and SRK behind, what's up with that?
SMP: (shrugging) Beats me. I was hoping for that match, too...but I'm sure the main event will make up for it. Trust me. It's Lord Sexbat, it's douja...in a cage made of Chicken Wire for the Pan-Galactic Title!
SW: And why? Because it still sells tickets! The rematch right after this important message....
HERRO YOO STOOPID PEEPOLE! Dis ees BEE OH BEE maneejur "CHARRIE"! Eff yoo rike Jeff BoyArDEE, Yoo ROVE "Charrie's Authnik Spagittee an' Meetball"! Eet soo good. Yummee! Eat sum, but doo not ask where wee geet meetball ! SOOKIE! Dee offishal snack awf BEE OH BEE soopastar!
SMP: Oooooooookay. The cage is up and of course it didn't take long. Four 2x4's wrapped with chicken wire with the use of a staple gun to hold it in place. Nice.
MA: THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT FOR THE PAN GALACTIC TITLE! Introducing first, from Parts Forgotten. Weighing in tonight at 245 pounds, at 6-2. The challenger...douja!
("How High" by Method Man and Redman is played by Eddie B. Man. douja sprints to the ring and enters the cage, grabs the mic from Masked Announcer...)
douja: Motha fuc(bleep)! Gimme dat! Yo, I'm gonna kick dat cracka a(bleep) fu(bleep) flipp(bleep) (bleep bleep) cracka (bleep) (bleep)it! IF YA SMELL WHAT DOUJA IS SMOKIN!
SW: Smells like cow pies to me.
MA: *ahem* His opponent. From every teenage girl mother's nightmare. At 6-7 and 100 pounds, but add the hair and spritz he tips the scales at 205. The King of the Gothic Underworld. Mall nuisance. THE PAN GALACTIC CHAMPION, LORD LESTAT VON SEXBAT!
(Eddie cues "Black Planet" by Sisters of Mercy. Sexbat is carried down the aisle on a makeshift throne by a slew of nameless succumbi. He has a black crown on his head and the PG title over his shoulder. The goth chicks slowly lower him at ringside and he quickly shoos them away. He enters the cage and Generic Ref locks the door behind him, douja grabs a handful of Lestat's large 'do' and sends he across the ring face first into the cage...Flunkie sweeps the waded cups out of the aisle.)
SW: HERE WE GO! douja all over the champ! He whips Sexbat across and into the turnbuckle! douja mounting the second strand, looking for approval with his right hand clenched...
SMP: I've known douja a long time and I've never seen him look better. I've also never send him get this much crowd support! douja firing away...
crowd: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, UUUUUH, SEVEN.... TWO, TEN! YEEEEEEAAAAAAH!
SW: douja again sends Lestat across, Von Sexbat with a Ric Flair like-flip into the corner and falls on that crazy wig! The champ is in trouble early!
SMP: Sexbat is begging off, douja totally ignores him and kicks him in the gut! Has him by the hair again and is pointing to that chicken wire, the fans are cheering him on! douja now with the Lord and his grinding his face across that fence like a block of Colby Jack! OOOOOOOOH! Sexbat with a mule kick catches douja down low, douja crumples to the mat in a hurry...
SW: Yep! That don't make weights to build those up! Sexbat shaking off the effects of that cage. OUCH! He kicked douja in the eye with those pointy boots! He could put an eye out!
SMP: Sexbat now taunting this crowd. Tries a suplex, he can't get douja over. Reversal! Both men are down. These guys really hate other and it shows! douja is a tough customer, though...I've been in the ring with him and I respect his talent. It's going to take a lot more than this to pin him.
SW: You're really trying hard to be a face aren't you.
SMP: That obvious?
SW: Yes, you never say anything good about anybody.
SMP: Times change, Scotty. Both men back up, Sexbat's right blocked by douja, douja with a right! Dropkick sends the champ up against the cage...douja charges! OOOOOOOOH! Sexbat with a side step and douja face first hard against that chicken fence! He's busted open!
SW: That was quick, he didn't even have time to blade! Sexbat taking advantage and is digging those long, pointed fingernails into that gash! Sexbat with a piledriver! What a slap, he's trying to beat douja with his own finisher! The cover, ONE...TWO....NO! douja kicked out!
SMP: Well, that was understood right after you yelled "NO"! Sexbat with a quick uppercut, he's trying to climb out! douja has him by his lace skirt and pulls him back to the mat. Forearm smash! Slams Wes into the cage...
Sexbat: LESTAT! IT'S LORD LESTAT VON SEXBAT!
SMP: douja slams him again into the fence! Again! And again! Sexbat now looks like he's been lacerated! Again into the cage! Sexbat drops flat on his back...douja going up top!
SW: He's on the top of the cage! Sexbat getting up and reaching into those velvet pants...douja leaps...
SMP: HAIRSPRAY! Lestat got him with hairspray! douja can't see! He's got the Generic Ref! CHRONIC NECK PAIN! douja still blinded, Sexbat nails him with that can! CHRISTIAN DEATH! This is not right...
SW: HEY! Where are you going? Hey...you can stand? SMP has jimmied the lock, he's getting in the ring! Well, trying to, that halo is caught on the ropes! Now he's in! He has Sexbat! He pushes the champ against the ropes! WHAT?!
(Shot of Generic Ref checking his watch, "passes out" again)
SW: SMP is helping douja up, the cheers are deafening....
SW: Sexbat just nailed SMP! Come on, Lord...that man is crippled! The champ stopping at nothing to keep his belt! Now what? It's "Bloody" Mary! The former valet of The Universal Donors/goth chick/wanna be vampire chick! I guess she's ticked she got snubbed at Sunday, Bloody Sunday! She's handed Lestat her goblet for her Vodka and Tomato Juice/blood? He hammers douja with it! The cover just as Generic Ref rolls over! ONE, TWO, THREE! The boos are deafening! What the? Now cheers again? It's Justin Voss!
(Justin runs to the ring and quickly slides in, clotheslines Sexbat.)
SW: Justin checking on douja and SMP. YEAH! "Bloody" Mary whacked Justin! No effect! Justin grabs Mary around her neck! Broken up by Sexbat! Now the champion quickly scurries out of the cage with Mary. Oh no! It's Studly Mayhem and Kamakazie Ken! YES!
(Steve Studnuts and Lance Mayhem slowly come down the aisle. Kamakazie Ken enters on a propelled hang glider. He crashes into the side of the cage and the glider bursts into flames. Ken escapes with a slight smolder.)
SW: SMP, Justin Voss, and douja now squaring off against Studnuts, Ken, Lance and I guess the champion. WAIT! It's Homicidal Hank! Now the sides are even, if you count SMP as full.
(Hank runs down carrying Spike, his potted geranium. He runs right by Sexbat and the others, sits Spike on the announcer's table, and stands in the ring...waving the champ, Studly Mayhem and Ken to come in and fight.)
SW: Doesn't look like we going to see it, though...Studly Mayhem, Ken, and Sexbat are slowly backstepping. Hank and SMP high five. Justin and Hank with a friendly handshake. SMP and douja....OOOOOOH! NIPPLECUTTER! NIPPLECUTTER! WHAT THA? WHOO HOO! YEAH!
(SMP removes his halo device and clobbers Justin Voss with it)
SW: HE'S NOT CRIPPLED, HE'S JUST DIRTY! Hank is shocked. Studly Mayhem and Ken are in the cage! The champ is heading to the back with his title held high. Studnuts clotheslines Hank! Lance joins in, double piledriver on Hank! Ken punching away at Voss! SMP stomping douja on his already bleeding forehead! Andrew Spink is out! Sexbat grabs him! The champ's taking the drawf up the aisle yelling "TOBY" at him...SMP has a mic!
SMP: THAT'S RIGHT! Learn to live with it! douja is a sneaker. Justin is a loafer. Hank is a flip-flop. AND THE SMOOTH OPERATOR IS THE HEEL! 'NUFF SAID! But I'll explain more in the Rant Zone...tune in!
(SMP, Studnuts, Mayhem and Ken stand together and hold up their right hands, four fingers held high. They grab their crotches with their left hands. douja, Voss, and Hank lay prone in the ring, douja a bloody mess.)
SW: DAMMIT! FANS WE'RE OUTTA TIME! I'm Scotty Whatbody and hopefully we'll get some answers and straighten this mess out! Good Night from Thursday Night!
©2000 BOB Wrestling!