NOTHING COULD BE FINER THAN TO BE AT NAGAM NINER!
(Welcome to the Moose Butt, British Columbia, Canada Centre in downtown, well....Moose Butt, British Columbia, Canada. Clive pans the crowd seeing the numerous cardboard signs that have become a staple at house shows. "Claude Leroux will DIE tonight", "Claude=Benedict", and "If you hear gunshots, hit the floor. I'm aiming at Claude" to name a few. In fact, almost every sign involves the brutal death of Claude Leroux. Apparently, putting the town's name on the map and then claming to be from New Zealand doesn't sit well with these fans. The building even has it's own grassy knoll...)
SW: I'm Scotty Whatbody! WELCOME FANS to Moose Butt, BC! BOB's first time across the border to visit our friendly neighbors/neighbours up North! Yes! The BigBOSS has invaded STW(bleep) territory! And just like all the viewers we won during our U.S. tour...we're going do it up here, too! Well, maybe not.
("If Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart begins to play. Nurse Heidi walks to the ring accompanied by a loud pop. She fixes her broken bra strap as the crowd cheers louder and she has a seat beside Scotty.)
SW: NURSE HEIDI HAS RETURNED TO THURSDAY NIGHT! WHOO HOO! And, "YES"!
NH: Scotty, act like you've at least seen a girl before. Okay? We have a special card lined up tonight. We'll crown a new Swiss Army Champion, and Lord Sexbat battle Justin Voss over a title and a dwarf. *sigh* By The way, Scotty...why did you say "yes"?
SW: I Think you're sexy and I'm letting you know. Now then, can I reach out and touch you?
SW: ALL-RIGHTIE THEN! Anyway, don't forget the sheep shearing contest between Herb T. Romaine and Claude Le...
NH: Tough crowd.
SW: Are you kidding? They were saying "ROOOOOOOOOOOOOUX". The love him here. This is his hometown, you know...
NH: No, that was Claude "Lightning Fingers" Le...
SW: SEE!? They're saying "ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOUX!" I'm tellin' ya, the guy is like Hogan in New York here!
NH: Okay...then why is that fan hanging Claude in effigy from the ring rope?
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Our opening match is for a shot at the "You Gotta Have Friends" tag-team titles. Introducing first, from the mean streets of the hood and because the script writer is working off-line and only has the non-jobber roster on standby for a quick reference check. DJ RAWKUS! MC CARJACK! What this? GIN & JUICE!
SW: Ah, it looks like DJ and MC are looking to jumpstart their flagging careers as well...
NH: I don't think a simple name change will help much. Or at all. Have you really watched these guys?
(Eddie B. plays Snoop Doggie Dogg's "Gin & Juice". DJ Rawkus comes out wearing his baggie pants, he has "GIN" stitched on the back, but it's lost within the folds. Carjack follows, with "JUICE" on the back of his pants...oddly bloodstained and a little black glove hanging out of the pocket. The enter the ring and "Bust a Move". The crowd sits in silence. They look at the program, and calculate the estimated time of arrival for Claude Leroux. Sound of shotgun cocking is heard.)
SW: I guess these guys forgot where they work. Won't be getting much money to have on their minds...
NH: Well, they don't have much mind to have on their money, either...
MA: And their opponents! From Memphis, Tennessee and Pearl Valley, Kansas...at a total combined weight of 490 pounds. "TOO FAT" MATT and "SLIGHTLY GAY" RAY..."TOO LAME"!
("We're 2 Lame (Gonna Lame U Up Mix)" by DJ Rawkus, MC Carjack, and Eddie B. begins to play. DJ and MC dance in the ring as Matt and Ray come down the aisle. Matt is wearing a beanie, a waistcoat without a shirt and baggie pants. Ray has on a pink 10-gallon hat, X-Ray specs, and a waistcoat...no shirt. Oh yeah, baggie pants. DJ removes his pimp hat and MC takes off his wrap-around shades and crowbar chain necklace as the lights go out. A slight pause as the men line up and bow their heads, hands clutching their naughty parts. Lights flicker as all four men line (break)dance as Eddie B. pumps up the volume...)
SW: What tha hell? Are these guys gonna wrestle or what?
NH: The only thing missing is a really fat guy...
SW: Nice lead in, Heidi...
(A grossly obese man walks down the aisle wearing a camouflage thong. He waddles to the ring, gets in and starts pop locking. The fans go wild as he joins the other four men, passing the "pop lock" around to each other. Matt quickly does "The Robot" then shoots it over to DJ, who rubs his chest and then sends his arms into a disjointed frenzy...)
NH: Don't even tell me that's G. I. Slow...
SW: NO WAY! That's G.I. SLOWKISHI! You're outta the loop! I hope he spins on his head...I love THAT!
NH: Good Lord in Heaven...
SW: HEY! It'S THE BARBADOS SKANKS! LOOMIS! CARL X! J.C. BRAWLEY!
NH: Who? Did you say J.C. Brawley? Be right back, I have to ...ummmmm, powder my nose.
SW: Heidi! Come back! I'm sure he doesn't remember that jello pit match from the Whatever Wrestler Federation. Where you beat him, and caused him to snap. COME BACK! OHHHHH! The Skanks are in the ring, J.C. has a mic!
Brawley: "Listen up! We're gonna get those tag-team titles! You can't have a match for a shot at 'em and not have US in it! Get 'em, Skanks!
SW: WOW! Loomis just smacked Slowkishi and threw him to the floor! Carl X has Matt...picks him up by the airmpits...powerbomb! Rawkus/Gin is still dancing...gets waffled by Loomis! Ray just hammered Carl X with that 10 gallon hat! Carl no-sells and whallops Ray to the canvas! MC Carjuice is mounting the turnbuckle....
SW: J.C. with a shove, and MC Carjack....uhhhhhrah... Juice just became MC CarRACKED on the turnbuckle! Soprano City! Speaking of The Sopranos, it's a shame they killed off Big Pussy. I liked Big Pussy. That reminds me...I wish Heidi would come back out here...
NH: What did I miss?
SW: OH! You're back?
NH: Of course I'm back...I just had to powder my nose. Looks like things have mellowed a bit, it's Carl X in the ring against DJ Gin. Are they really wanting us to call them Gin & Juice? DJ with a chop. No effect. Carl X sends DJ down with a headbutt, tags in Loomis!
SW: Loomis with an elbow drop...HE MISSED! DJ tags in "Too Fat" Matt. It's become a spontaneous three-way!
NH: Ah yes, those are always fun. (takes a moment to relect on that memorable spring break in Cancun.)
SW: Matt with a hiptoss! Loomis up, dropkick by Matt! Look at that footwork! Nice moonwalk! PILEDRIVER! He tags in Ray! Loomis is down, the crowd is going nuts!
NH: They must sense it's almost over, and Claude's getting ready to come out here...
SW: He's motioning for it...could it be? THE WORM?!
NH: I'm not looking...
(Ray begins hopping around the ring on one foot, reaches for his trousers...)
SW: Broken up by Carl X as J.C. distracts the Generic Ref! A clothesline sent Ray to the mat like a tonofbricks™! He has a bone!
NH: Who? Ray? How can you tell that from here, and besides...he never got to show the worm...
SW: NO! CARL X! He nails Carjack Juice, he smashes Matt! He just clocked DJ Ginkus! He pasted Ray, who drops to the canvas like a redwood! He was out before he landed! Loomis with the cover, Carl X now running up the aisle, where is HE going? He's outtacontrol!™
NH: J.C. jumps down from the ring apron, the univeral wrestling sign for the ref to turn his attention back to the action. He sees Loomis covering Ray, ONE...TWO...THREE! And it's over....
MA: Ladies and gentlemen...your winners of the match, THE BARBADOS SKANKS!
(Sound of bear trap being set)
SW: Well, I guess there's no way the tag-team champs can avoid The Skanks now.
NH: What? They already accepted anyway. Don't you ever watch The RantZone?
SW: Huh? I don't keep up with that mess, I just call the matches.
NH: Right, Scotty. (rolls her eyes)
SW: LOOK AT RAY! He's really upset about that loss, let's hope he doesn't demand a re-write!
NH: Who knows, maybe they'll get that title shot after all. Well, there's Herb Romaine's music...looks like it's time for that sheep shearing contest. (puts on bullet proof vest)
SW: What's up with the vest? You're not suggesting that these fans are so mad at Claude that they'd shoot him... are you?
NH: I'm not taking any chances. Breasts aren't cheap, ya know...(tucks 'fakies' into vest)
SW: WHEN D-YA GET THOSE! All this time I thought you were all natural...
NH: Scotty, where have YOU been? You know there isn't one female in this sport with real ones...
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen, this next event is a sheep shearing contest! Introducing first, from Endive, North Dakota...siver medalist in sheep shearing in the Syndey Olympics- "The Caprinid Kid", HERB T. ROMAINE!
(Herb comes to the ring as Eddie B. plays "The Barber of Sevielle" (Alfalfa Mix), it's the closest "hair cut" song he could find, since "Born Free" was missing from his collection. Not that "Born Free" has anything to do with sheering sheep, but neither does "Barber of Sevielle". Anyway- Herb enters the ring towing a line with a overly wooly sheep but gets no reaction from the crowd... for they are busy preparing various forms of mass destruction for his opponent)
SW: This should be a good one! Herb barely missed a gold metal at the Syndey Olympics. If it wasn't for those Russian and Thai judges, he'd be wrestling's first olympic hero...
NH: What about Ken Patera? Did you forget him? Not to mention Ben Matera of the old STWhiff. And that new guy with the lisp. There's been some olympic stars turned wrestler before...
SW: But not for sheep shearing! Herb's the first! And from what I hear...he does more than just shear 'em!
NH: SCOTTY! Watch your mouth, kids watch this show...
SW: What? All I was going to say is that he cleans up the wool. Most sports figures are arrogant and would just leave it for somebody else...
NH: Okay, Flunkie is waving his arms...looks like we have some problems in the back.
(Cut to backstage/parking deck area™, Claude Leroux is with the BigBOSS...)
Claude: NO WAY! I'm not going out there! I saw one fan with an autopsy saw and a rib splitter!
BigBOSS: Relax, Claude. It's just a sight gag. Now, go out there and give us a good shearing!
Claude: I ain't gonna do it! You can't make me! You can't! Can you, eh? PLEASE don't make me go out there! (grovels at the BigBOSS' feet)
BB: Good Lord, man... simmer down now! (rubs temples for several seconds, as if staving off a massive headache) Okay, okay...we'll think of something, take the night off. Claude? Hey, Claude?....Claude? (Sound of tires screeching)
BB: What the hell? Now what are we gonna do about this?
(Pulls out a cell phone (now you wrestlers know where your bonuses went) Nice split screen image with The BigBOSS on the right and his midget clone Li'LBOSS on the left.)
BB: Li'L B? Hey, it's Big B. Look, we have a slight problem. Claude's not coming out tonight, he's afraid the crowd will lynch him.
LB: But Herb is already in the ring. His sheep, too! You have to make a decision fast, the fans are getting RESTLESS AND BORED!
BB: And.....since when was THAT a problem? I'd say we're par for the course. Anyway, has Killalot showed up yet?
LB: Yep. Just got here.
BB: Did he bring that dog with him?
LB: Yep. I'll have Flunkie get that mess up. Sorry 'bout that, I didn't know the dog was such a pooper.
BB: No, you sawed off underling! The dog. Herb. (in his best Jerry Seinfeld) RELEASE THE HOUNDS! Ummmm. HOUND!
LB: Well, I really think this town has a leash law....
BB: YOU IDIOT! Sic that mutt on Herb! That dog hates sheep and sheep handlers, right? A good dog attack should subdue any "we want our money backs". Get on it!
LB: On it like a cheap poncho!
(They hang up. Back to Scotty and Heidi at ringside. Claude's intro music plays for the third time as no less than 306 implements of torture point toward the entrance ramp.)
SW: Wow, nice overhead technique displayed by Herb! But I don't know how much longer he can stall with his shearing demonstration, these fans want to see some wool fly!
NH: (Reading the latest NationWide EnQuisitor) Huh? Did you say something, Scotty? Hey, what's up with that dog?
SW: IT'S BITEY! Ronald Killalot's sheep hatin' pooch!
(not so subliminal message) ANGLE ALERT...ANGLE ALERT...ANGLE ALERT!
SW: WOW! Look at the K-9 charge to the ring! He's making a bee line to Herb's leg...
NH: BUT HE'S NOT BITING! Oh, that's disgusting. Here comes Mary-Beth to try and calm this hornyhounddog down! Herb is flailing away, trying to free himself from Bitey's clutches.
NH: Herb just smacked Mary-Beth! What kind of man could do such a terrible thing?
Herb: Well, I thought she WAS the dog.
SW: You know a comment like that would bring out Mary-Beth's love interest...HERE COMES JOSH CRAIG! He slides under the rope, and he's all over the wool and hemp clad Herb! Hard right hand decks Romaine, Bitey all over that sheep in the corner!
NH: Can't you guys cut to a commercial? Something? That Bitey/sheep thing should be on Animal Planet. OH MY GOD!
SW: Herb's gonna be really mad when he finds out his sheep's been foolin' around! Josh whips Herb across the ring...BACKDROP! Now, Mary-Beth getting her kicks in! Now Bitey! It's a three on one!
NH: Three on one? Ummmmmmmmmm. (drifts off to memories of that summer in Ft. Lauderdale)
SW: You still with us?
NH: Huh? Yeah. Looks like Herb could use a hand here. Wait a minute...it's Soem Guy In A Mask! Just in time...
SW: And he's coming down the aisle like a bullet train! And he's wearing....what the hell? Claude Leroux's ring attire!
NH: Oh, come on, Scotty. Like you don't know who that is.
SW: Yeah I do, Soem Guy In A Mask.
NH: In Claude's get up? You're such a mark.
SW: NO I'M NOT! That's MONROE! Hey, Soem Guy just clotheslined Josh, who's rolled to the floor! He's chased Mary-Beth from the ring! Bitey hits the trail! Soem Guy now attending that accosted sheep. It appears we have yet another animal lover in the fed.
NH: *yawn* You're SO gullible, Scotty. Claude, uhrah...Soem Guy and Herb leaving the ring together. According to my format, expect a challenge for those tag-team titles at the next pay-per-view.
SW: But what about The Skanks? I thought they would be getting the shot...
NH: Yes, but have YOU seen how long it takes to get a card out around here? More wrestlers in the same match, equals less time to blah blah blah. You know the drill. Have one of those Triple Threat thingees and call it an evening.
SW: Yeah, that's cool. I could stand to see Josh and Killalot defend against Herb and Soem Guy AND The Skanks...
NH: Oh yeah, but it won't be Josh and Killalot, it'll be Josh and his father, Mike. I peeked at the script. A girl has her ways, ya know?
SW: But what about Killalot?
NH: Patience, Scotty...all good things to those who wait. Well, looks like they've cleared the ring..and it looks like we need to get The Flunkie to scoop a little more. Let's go to a commercial and return with...what's this? A Battle Royale with CHEESE?
SW: That's pronounced Roy-ALE. Haven't you seen Pulp Fiction? And NEVER underestimate the power of cheese!
FANS! It's SNORE GAMES: THE MATCH BE-YAWN! Quite possibly the most boring BOB PPV EVER! Maybe not. But probably. Brought to you by Passive-Aggressive Birthday Gifts for KIDS! "When you don't like the kid, OR the parents! Choose one of the four, or collect them all!
The Li'l Smelter™ Ore-Extracting Kit! (Comes with kiln, tongs and protective headgear!) Caution: kiln reaches 1000 degress F.
Grandpappy Joe's™ Moonshine Maker! It's Easy! Warning: Grandpappy Joe Corporation not responsible for blindness.
Klumsy Oaf™ Messy Spilly Indelible Art Stuff!
and...THE FLOOZIE FACTORY!™ Look like a hardened barfly...EVEN IF YOU'RE SIX!!!
SW:...and we're back. Man, I gotta get that Li'l Smelter!
NH: I didn't know the Floozie Factory was for kids. (takes out a pad of paper and scratches "Floozy Factory" from beside BigBOSS' name on her Christmas list)
SW: Okey-dokey. This is gonna be a good one! A ring full of BOBsters for the vacant Swiss Army Title! It seems Justin Voss got a tank full of "F" grade gasoline and couldn't be here tonight.
NH: I thought he was in jail because the authorities found out Bunny and Sky were both 15 years old.
SW: Yeah, I heard that one, too. Anyway, he's not been around for ages and has fell victim to the old 30 day defense rule. He's been stripped of the belt and we're gonna find out who the new champion is tonight! Let's go to The Masked Announcer...
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, this next event is a Battle Roy-ALE with..(squints at card) what the? Cheese? I'm not reading all these flipping names. All of you in the back come out here and LET'S GET IT ON!
SW: Here they come! All the BOB stars that made the trip to Canada for NAGAM! Some made it, some missed the left turn at Albequerque, and others just really hated Canada and took the night off. And then there was Zilla, who's so geeked over this 24-7 rule The BigBOSS put on his title, he stayed home for fear of another fiasco like the one that occurred at MMM XI.
NH: Talk about ripping off a gimmick.
SW: It's not that bad, just a scent.
NH: A SCENT? More like deep inhalation with tracheal burns and aveoli compromise...
SW: English, Nurse Heidi...we all didn't go to nursing school.
NH: Well, he could AT LEAST made it 23-6 or something. Gave the guy Sunday's off...
SW: Or like, 20-5...that way he could spend some time with his family....
NH: Okay, Scotty. That joke is already thin. What's with the bag over the ring?
SW: Oh yeah, that's the best part! When the bell rings...it opens up and the ring is pelted with cheese! The wrestlers can use it as weapons! A Battle Roy-ALE with Cheese! Over the top rope rules still apply...
NH: Oh Dear God in Heaven...CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!
SW: THERE'S THE BELL!
NH: I didn't hear anything.
SW: DING! Here comes the cheese and it's filling the ring! Just about every BOB superstar, jobber, and all points in between are here tonight! Looks like newcomer Awesome Adam has already found the Cheezy Poofs! He's EATING them! And he's already eliminated by Josh Craig! I guess Adam hasn't quite grasped the concept of BOB yet.
NH: I'm still trying to grasp it. This is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen.
SW: Stick around. douja has a Krafty™ single and is trying to slice Viet Kong's arm with it. OOOOOOOH! Herb has returned and just held up a piece of Swiss, then poked "Too Fat" Matt in the eye though one of the holes!
NH: Okay Scotty, give us a quick rundown of who's in the ring. I wasn't paying attention when they came out. (finishes writing down "Li'L Smelter" beside Scotty's name on Christmas list)
SW: We got Alex Smith, Extreme 13, Josh Craig, Jack Hooligan, Some guy that's head looks like a butt, Viet Kong, uuuuuuh, Gin & Juice, Bivavle, Super Mollusc, "Too Lame", The Pardy Boys, SMP, Kamakazie Ken, Fanboy, douja, HEY! Two guys from the Hydro Celphalis Wrestling League! Colossal Cranium Chris and Head Zepplin! I haven't seen them in years! You know, that wrestling was pretty good there, but there's only SO MANY matches you can stomach with headbutt finishers...
NH: That's just really sad...
SW: Who's that girl? (looks at format) Cookie Cutter Girl? Who dat? Soem Guy in A Mask is here, and he looks a lot smaller than he did earlier. Maybe you were right thinking it was Claude.
NH: You think? Viet Kong is choking Josh with some string cheese! Where's Killalot? And it looks like Viet Kong hasn't forgotten Sunday Bloody Sunday. He's really working over young Joshua. Jack Hooligan just broke that up by whacking Kong with a block of Colby Jack! I guess Hooligan didn't like getting the axe from "Charlie" for getting pinned in that match that lost the titles for The Unetical Ethnics.
SW: Yeah! OOOOOOOOOOH! Bivalve was just eliminated after Wayne Pardy waffled him with some mozzerella! douja is trying to burn Head Zepplin with some nacho cheese. LOOK OUT! SMP has some sharp cheddar! He's all over douja...and digging it into his forehead! douja's busted open! Man, that's some SHARP cheddar!
NH: Good grief, Scotty. "Slighty Gay" Ray just hammering away at Fanboy with that Philly cream cheese! Fanboy really stunned by that one.
SW: Have you ever tried to spread that stuff on a bagel? It's thick! I'm surprised Fanboy can still walk! MC Carjack over the top after getting temporarily blinded by some flakey parmesan thrown by Alex Smith. Smith is eliminated! Blasted from behind by Kamakazie Ken, who was armed with some government cheese! What could be worse than getting clocked by government cheese?!
NH: I dunno, having to EAT it.
(Editor's Note: Although sad the state of affairs in my country of The U.S., I am in no way making fun of people that have to feed their family of fourteen kids with government aided cheese handouts because they can't work. Or, make sure the kids have some kind of generically processed cheese food to barely subdue starvation while they light up their crack pipe. It's just a joke. But if you can walk, you can work. Food Stamps is not a right, it's a "privilege")
SW: Kong and Jack have hooked up! A little Snore Games undercard preview! Jack is trying to shove that cheese stick down Kong's gullet! Viet Kong counters with some cottage cheese! Man, I hate THAT stuff! Listen ladies, if you have it...don't flaunt it.
NH: What are you talking about? Stay with us, Scotty. Focus...
SW: Josh has some E-Z Cheezy™ canned cheese spray! Look at Rawkus! He's covered! And eliminated as Josh sends him over the top rope and down to the floor! SMP and Ken double teaming a bloody douja. Garth Pardy eliminated by....HOMICIDAL HANK! When did HE get here! Hank just decked Ken with some Head Cheese!
NH: That stuff is SO nasty. And it's not even cheese, how'd that get in there? Kong trying to burn Fanboy with a grilled cheese sandwich!
SW: OOOOOOOOOOH! Colossal Cranium Chris with a DDT on Head Zepplin...right on that Bleu cheese! That's gonna leave a mark!
NH: A blue one, right? *sigh*
SW: Okay, once semi filled stands now are half empty, that means it's almost main event time...and time for mass elimination! douja has the LIMBURGER! douja HAS THE LIMBURGER! He's opening the package! HOLY SNIKEYS! Look at that ring clear out! Hey Heidi, would you hand me that cheese curd? I'm kinda hungry, and that deep fired cheese ball looks tasty.
NH: Smells like someone cut the cheese in here...that limburger reeks! Guys are jumping over the top left and right! Fanboy is eliminated, "Too Fat" Matt, The Cookie Cutter Girl, Anal Krevis, Wayne Pardy...Herb Romaine goes out over the top!
SW: It's all of sudden down to douja, SMP, Ken and Hank. Boy, there's some history between those guys...remember Full Court Press? Ken, SMP, and Hank? And the douja/SMP feud has raged for almost two years. SMP smacked douja with some Monterrey! Ken has wasted some perfectly good white cheddar on Hank...man, that stuff is great on CHEEZ-ITZ™!
NH: And popcorn. Hank sent out by Ken! douja is rubbing that limburger on Sil's face! SMP is tossed over the top! Ken over to try and stop douja, douja ducks...and backdrops Ken over the top!
SW: Fuel to the fire at Snore Games!
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE WINNER....AND NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW SWISS CHEESE CHAMPION... DOUJA!
SW: Look at that, even Masked Announcer got caught up in the cheese talk. It ain't easy being cheesy.
NH: Watch it, "Scoot". You just never know who tunes in this program. Wait a minute, who am I kidding?
SW: Not me. While Flunkie sweeps the ring, let's go to another meaningless commercial and get ready for the main event.
FANS! It's finally here. Somewhat. SNORE GAMES-THE MATCH BE-YAWN! Two rings, a lot of wasted money on fence, and LOTS more boring sports entertainment than even the WCW. HONEST! Can douja and Hank find two partners to face the dreaded Four (Hung Like A) Horsemen? And what happened to The Horsemen? They disappeared quicker than the New Blackjacks! We'll think of something! ORDER TODAY!
NH: Scotty, that's just pathetic. What happened to Sexbat wrestling in that match?
SW: Beats me. Maybe management didn't want to waste the champ in that match. Maybe he'll be defending the title, or trying to regain it.
NH: You don't mean...
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS YOUR MAIN EVENT!
(crowd groans, at least those still here.)
MA: Introducing first, courtesy of BOB's Medium Sized Bucket™ and since Justin is still not here, the challenger...from Camelot, England, weighing in at 250 pounds, at 6 foot 2 inches....SIR RONALD KILLALOT!
NH: Hey! Wait just a second, he got pulled out last time BigBOSS used that bucket. What gives?
SW: He's only got one sheet of paper, the man has other priorities, ya know?
(Killalot walks to the ring as Eddie B. adds a "scratchy tornado" to some generic Knight type music. Use your imagination. Ronald enters the ring, receiving a nice response from the crowd(?>/small gathering.)
MA: His opponent! The Pan-Galactic Champion! From GOTHam City, somewhere nestled in California. (M.A. chuckles at his ad-lib) weighing in at 205 pounds, and stands at 6"7'. His magic doesn't really work, maybe he should take up voodoo. Along with "Bloody" Mary, The King of the Gothic Underworld...LORD LESTAT VON SEXBAT!
SW: I thought Gotham was New York's nickname.
NH: Shut up, Scotty.
("Black No. 1" by Type O Negative plays. "Bloody" Mary comes down the aisle spreading black rose petals on the ramp. The crowd is in an uproar. The music switches to "Sour Times" by Portishead and out comes the champion...to boos so loud you'd think BigBOSS was piping them in over the P.A. (looks around nervously) Sexbat's mood changes as he sees his opponent.)
Sexbat: HEY! I hath not signed to wrestle this young wretch!
Killalot: You fool! I'm a thousand year old Arthurian Knight!
Sexbat: Oooooooooooooh, big whoop! I'm a THREE thousand year old vampire! Where's Voss? I WANT TOBY SPINK! I WANTEST THOU MIDGET FOR A SEX SLAVE!
Generic Ref: Okay guys, let's take all that anger and make a good match out of it.
Sexbat: Shush thou foul odor hole, you insipidous, tweeker ring official. I am thou champion, I hath never been so cross and doubly crossed.
Generic Ref: What the hell was that?
Sexbat: Did it sound good?
Killalot: NO! Now start defending so I can get closer to finding that damn Grail!
Sexbat: Oh, thou thinkest I am a walkover? An easy beat? I'll showest thou infant aged loser just why I'm thou champion. MOOOO HA HA!
SW: And there they go! And you thought Flair vs. Hogan featured some old timers! These guys are REALLY old!
NH: I'm sure Lestat just barely beats Flair in age, but it's close. Collar and elbow tie up, knee to the gut by the champ doubles over the Miserable Git. Sexbat with a clubbing forearm on the challenger's back. Eyerake! Sexbat is really upset he's not fighting for that dwarf.
SW: Trying to send Ronald to the corner....REVERSAL! Killalot now mounting the turnbuckle...he motioning to the crowd with a clenched fist! The love it!
crowd: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8....
(five minutes later)
46, 47, 48, 49....50!
SW: GOOD GOD-O-MIGHTY! Looks likes he could use Robin now!
NH: Wrong "Bat", dear. SRK sends Lestat across, he bounces out of the corner...backdrop! The champ begging off, he's cowering in the corner...
Sexbat: Oh, mightest thou strength of unholy darkness...bat wing, lizard toe, jelly bean. Makest thou King of The Gothic Underworld...transparent and UN-SEEN!
SW: Killalot really working the champ over with kicks!
Sexbat: HEY! Didn't you heareth me? I'M INVISIBLE!
Killalot: But I can see you.
Sexbat: No thou can't!
Killalot: Dude, I can see you.
Sexbat: YOU INSECTIVOROUS TROGDOLYTE! Thou cannot see me!
Killalot: Ummmm, yes I can.
Sexbat: DAMN YOU!
NH: Killalot grabs Sexbat, he's all over the champion. Hiptoss out of the corner. MISSES the elbow drop! "Bloody" Mary is biting her black fingernails off...watch for some interference.
SW: Hey, I've always wondered why you and Mary kinda look alike...aside from all her goth make-up. What's with that?
NH: Well, Scotty. Don't know. Maybe we have the same father or something. My father was quite a man whore and Mary and I both ARE from Arizona, ya know?
SW: Yeeeeeeeeeeeah. Okay. DDT by the champ! Wait a minute, there's some powder! Sexbat will stop at nothing to keep this title, the old powder in the eyes trick!
NH: Then why is he not throwing it and snorting it off the canvas?
SW: Maybe he has a different technique or throwing it...
NH: Explain the tiny spoon and vial then...
SW: That's Mike Monroe's job! I'm a color commentary man! Sexbat with a burst of energy! Look at that military press! Even with those spindly arms! Sexbat has his second wind!
NH: If that let's you sleep better at night. Call it whatever you want. A second wind? Ha.
SW: Sexbat with a brainbuster! The cover...ONE, TWO...TH...NO!!! Kickout by Sir Ronald! Sexbat flailing away with rights and lefts. Throws Killalot outside the ring!
NH: And there's Mary putting the pointy boot to him! Lestat exits the ring...introduces Ronald to the Flimsy Guardrail™. Here comes Mary-Beth! She's going after the other Mary!
SW: (singing) Mary, Mary...WHY YOU BUGGIN'?
(Eddie B. picks up the old Run DMC classic and adds a quick scratch)
NH: Mary-Beth sends "Bloody" Mary into the Easy Seperatable Ringsteps™. Sexbat rams Killalot into the ringpost and rolls him back into the ring. Lestat going to the top! He NEVER does that!
SW: It's like he's jacked up on speed or something! HE MISSED THE BODYSPLASH! Killalot rolled away just in time!
NH: Look out, Sexbat is going for that vial of powder again while Killalot regains his composure...
SW: Maybe he's gonna throw it this time...
NH: Doubt it. Killalot smacks the vial away! Kicks the champ in the abdomen...
SW: McPILEDRIVER! Sexbat bounced two feet off the mat! His spongey hairdo intact! SRK, winded...crawling to make the cover...
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE WINNER OF THE MATCH...AND NEEEEEEEEEEEEE....
SW: Wait a minute! "Bloody" Mary just blindsided Mary-Beth with her Vodka goblet. Now she's placing Sexbat's foot on the bottom rope! She's yelling at the Generic Ref...HE'S WAVING IT OFF!
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS MATCH WILL CONTINUE!
(crowd groans...some leave to beat the traffic)
NH: I don't believe this, Killalot won the match.
SW: Sir Ronald coming over to get ahold of Sexbat! The champ with a double leg pick-up, rolls him up, hooks the tights, places his own feet on the ropes, pokes SRK in the eye, punches him in the nads, the cover...ONE....TWO....THREE!
MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER AND STILL PAN-GALACTIC CHAMPION...LORD LESTAT VON SEXBAT!
SW: This thing has erupted! Killalot is pissed, he's still beating on Sexbat! Pulls down his velvet pants...revealing Count Chocula under-roos! Right hand decks the champion! Lord Lestat crawls out of the ring and is making his hasty get-a-way™! Sir Ronald has the mic!
Killalot: WES! You know I beat you tonight! (crowd cheers) I'll get you at Snore Games! (crowd cheers) And get one step closer to finding that Holy Grail! (crowd silent).
SW: WOW! Killalot vs. Sexbat at Snore Games! I'd pay to see that!
NH: I wouldn't. Luckily, I get in free. Oh well, I guess that explains why Mike and Josh have to defend the tag-team titles.
SW: It's experimentally my dear, Watson.
NH: That's elementary, stupid.
SW: Yeah, that too. Fans, we're out of time. For Nurse Heidi, I'm Scotty Whatbody...and GOODNIGHT FROM NOT AS GOOD AS MONDAY THURSDAY NIGHT!
©2000 BOB Wrestling!
Sorry Lance Neige, we can't be serious. Not even for a second.