[Outside at Trey Vincent's limo, which was a rockin', Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" had arrived. She knocked on the tinted window and waited for a response. The limo stopped a rockin'. After a couple of seconds, the window rolled down about 12 inches.]
TV: (Breathless) Hey, Sarah. How'sitgoin'?
Sarah: What's going on? You're leaving BOB and you weren't even going to tell me?
TV: That was the plan, yeah.
Sarah: Why are you breathing so heavy? You only breathe that heavy when…Oh, Trey, you bastard. When you hear the glass, it's gonna be stuck in your ass.
[That was the sound of Sarah kicking in the window.]
Sarah: Michelle? Why are you covered in garbage?
TV: She's a dirty girl. Look, Sarah. There's really no easy way to say this. Oh wait, yeah there is. We're over. And you'll be getting a bill from the LoC for that window.
Sarah: Oh I will, will I? Well, then, might as well make it worthwhile.
[Sarah hops up on the roof.]
Michelle: Ahhh! Stop kicking glass on me!
Sarah: You wanna get dirty? Let's get dirty! First, here's a little more moon for your moon roof.
[Sarah unbuckles her belt, pulls her leather pants down and stoops over the roof as if she were sitting on an invisible toilet.]
Sarah: I'm so glad I ate Mexican today.
Michelle: Trey! Move!
TV: This is so hot.
Michelle: MOVE! Let go of me! NOOOOOOOOOO! AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!
[Sarah, apparently done with her business, pulls up her pants and buckles up.]
Sarah: Looks like you've got a new gimmick now, Michelle. Well you're a Scatwoman! Whump whump! Yes you're a Scatwoman!
[The camera pans right to reveal the LoC Guy standing a few feet away from the window, his mouth hanging wide open in shock.]
LoC Guy: Oh, this is WORSE than hell!
[Trey pokes his head out the broken window.]
TV: Hey, boss!
[Sarah hops off the limo and walks over to LoC Guy.]
Sarah: If I had a penis, I'd tell you to suck it right now.
[Sarah walks away. The limo door opens and Trey falls stumbles out.]
TV: Do NOT go in there. Wooooof! (Trey waves at the smell.) Woooof!
[Back to the ring.]
["Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen hits.]
NH: The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, now flying her way to the ring, she weighs about three pounds and is from the Eight Seas, Pretty Boy!
SW: Have you heard, Styles?
Styles: Oh, don't start that.
SW: Why? You haven't heard?
Styles: Yes, I've heard.
SW: Well, then you know about the bird.
Styles: Pretty Boy's a parrot.
SW: You know what parrots are?
SW: And have you heard about the bird?
Styles: Somebody PLEASE shut this song off before Scotty starts singing and dancing.
[Done and done. "Ride of the Valkryies" by Richard Wagner. The Flunky wheels out a giant red and yellow cannon.]
SW: Oh boy.
NH: And her opponent, now about to be shot into the ring by a circus cannon, Kamikazie Ken!
[The Flunky lights the fuse.]
Styles: Cover your ears, this is gonna be loud.
SW: Screw my ears. I don't want him landing on me! I'm getting under the—
*CARTOONY FLYING SOUND EFFECT*
Styles: I really hope those fans don't sue us! Kamikazie Ken landed well short of the ring in the middle of the crowd. No, it looks like fortunately all of the fans got out of the way.
[Cut over to Ken on the floor.]
KK: Fortunate for WHO now?
Styles: The fans are helping Ken up now and shoving him toward the ring.
SW: And people thought the Sandman's entrance was badass? He only busted his head open. Ken probably just shattered about five bones, and the match hasn't even started yet.
Styles: Too bad he can't heal himself like the cheerleader on "Heroes."
SW: Damn, she's hot!
Styles: He'd probably be a rich man with all the extra insane bump money BigBOSS has paid him over the years if that were the case. Who do you like in this match, Scotty?
SW: Despite that entrance, I still think Ken's gonna mess up Pretty Boy so bad that Sarah McLachlan's gonna have to do a new animal cruelty ad just about Pretty Boy!
Styles: That remains to be seen Scotty. And here we go. Collar-and-wing tie-up. And there's one phrase I never thought I'd use.
Styles: And Pretty Boy is clawing away at Ken!
SW: Cover up, Ken! You can't heal your eyes!
Styles: And Ken stumbles out of the ring. Pretty Boy's flies to the opposite side of the ring, looking for some more momentum apparently. Pretty Boy rushes! Tope through the ropes! And look at Pretty Boy celebrate by rushing around ringside and slapping wings with all the front row fans.
Crowd: RARK! RARK! RARK! RARK!
Styles: Ken heads back inside, and Pretty Boy flies up to the top rope. Flying dropkick connects! Cover! One! Two! And no! Ken kicks out.
SW: Selling for a bird has got to be a new low for Ken. And it's a GIRL bird! Poor bastard.
Styles: Ken trying to get up. Beak drag takedown by Pretty Boy. Off the ropes and…guillotine wing drop! She's got Ken by the mask and dragging Ken up. Oh, but Ken just kicked Pretty Boy hard. Pretty Boy flying right back at Ken though. Ken with a knife-edge chop!
Styles: Pretty Boy returns the favor with a wing-edge chop!
Styles: Another knife-edge chop!
Styles: Wing-edge chop!
SW: I could go for some barbecued parrot chops once Ken's done with her.
Styles: Pretty Boy has Ken by the mask. PARROTCONRANA! One! Two! No.
SW: If Ken's family wasn't dead already, I think they just died of embarrassment.
Styles: That's horrible, Scotty! Hold on, Insano Mano's coming out, and he's got a rake!
Styles: It's Coma and Hallucination Boy! And they've got rakes! Coma and Hallucination Boy are assaulting Mano as if he were a human piñata!
SW: I don't think they'll like the chocolate that they're about to beat out of him, Styles.
Styles: Definitely not. Coma, Hallucination Boy, Kamikazie Ken, and Insano Mano have been having problems since way back on iMPLOSION 4 when Ken and Mano attacked Coma and Hallucination Boy.
Styles; OH MY GOD! Pretty Boy just got thrown into the Flimsy Guardrail® hard all the way from the ring!
SW: Ken threw Pretty Boy like a football. And the feathers are flying. Looks like it's take home a feather night here at October Surprise for some lucky fans.
Styles: Ken out to the floor now. He's got Pretty Boy and is looking to climb the Flimsy Guardrail®? OH MY GOD! Moonsault slam by Kamikazie Ken on the floor!
SW: Ken really flipped the bird on that one, didn't he?
Styles: He sure did. Pretty Boy's in a lot of trouble now. Can she scratch and claw her way back into this one? Ken rolls Pretty Boy back in. COVER! One! Two! Pretty Boy gets a wing up!
Crowd: Let's go Pretty Boy, let's go! *Clap, clap* Let's go Pretty Boy, let's go! *Clap, clap* Let's go Pretty Boy, let's go! *Clap, clap*
Styles: Ken's got Pretty Boy up on his shoulder's now. OH NO! OH MY GOD! PSYCHO DRIVER! COVER! ONE! TWO! NOO! Pretty Boy just barely got a wing off the mat! Now Ken sets up Pretty Boy on the top rope. Ken looking for a superplex here? But Pretty Boy's flapping like crazy.
KK: Heeheeeheeheeheehehehe! Stop it!
[Ken falls to the mat, laughing hysterically and grabbing his belly.]
SW: Supertickle? Um…wow.
Styles: Pretty Boy swoops down and lands on Ken's shoulder. And now Pretty Boy is digging those talons in for a shoulder claw! Ken may have to submit here!
SW: Ken fights until he's unconscious. Which happens rather frequently. So I doubt it. Plus, he can just walk to the ropes for the break.
Styles: Right you are. No problem there.
Vicky Jean: One! Two! Three! Four!
PB: Have 'til five, have 'til five, RARK!
Styles: Ken charges at Pretty Boy, but…Bird Turd to the face!
SW: (Singing) Have you heard about the turd? Well the turd, turd, turd, the turd is the word.
Styles: Ken is blinded, but it isn't by science. Pretty Boy of the ropes. Flying clothesline! And now Pretty Boy flies in Vicky Jean's face! Vicky's ducking and covering. Pretty Boy using the opportunity to go under the ring and…she's got a barbed wire cracker! Pretty Boy quickly flies inside the ring. HELLO! She nails Ken with the barbed wire cracker! And now she's eating the evidence!
SW: Oh, that's gonna hurt on the way out.
Styles: COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! SHEGOTHIM!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, Pretty Boy!
[Cut backstage to the women's locker room. Is Clive allowed back here? Apparently. Well, Jerri Li is getting ready... all other women keeping their distance as she slices layers of her skin off with a piece of broken glass and swears more than a tourettes sufferer. Scatman, never one to follow basic rules of decency, storms in through the door.]
Jerri: Hey Scatman, I can't belch you right now, I'm kinda busy.
Scatman: I don't need belching, I came here to talk to you about something.
[She looks worried by the serious tone in his voice.]
Jerri: What? What is it?
Scatman: Are you really booking your own show? I was just watching the playback of the event so far, because I was busy... well, you know, 'preparing' myself for my match.
[He throws a few tissues into a nearby trashcan, flapping his hands about as they stick to his fingers.]
Jerri: Yeah, I am. And I have already come up with a killer main event for it.
Scatman: Yeah, that's great. But I got kinda concerned that you wouldn't book me on it.
Jerri: I hadn't really thought about it.
Scatman: But I'm Scatman! How can YOU book a show and not have me on it?
Jerri: Chill out. I just figured this place could do with a 'one night stand' kinda show with a more hardcore tone then the fans are used to.
[Scatman suddenly smiles.]
Scatman: But I came up with a great idea. I know your a masochist, right?
Jerri: Till I die... soon hopefully.
Scatman: Well, I've been trying to relate to that. I couldn't staple my hand to a stack of paper or anything, but I think I came up with something that might make us a closer as friends.
Scatman: Ok, you versus me. If I win you have to have sex with me.
Scatman: And if you win, I will become celibate for...
Jerri: A year?
Scatman: NO! I was thinking like... geez, how masochist can I be? Three months?
Jerri: Wow. That's not exactly as bad as having sex with you.
Scatman: It is to me!
[He jumps up onto a bench, scaring off one of the other girls, and gyrates his hips.]
Scatman: I'm a sexual meth addict.
Jerri: Fine, you're not going to win anyway. And I would enjoy seeing you squirm about in unreleasable horniness. But this is Deathmatchpalooza, every match is going to have hardcore stipulations.
Scatman: I've already planned that part out.
[He jumps off the bench and whispers into Jerri's ear.]
Jerri: That... is... fucking... perfect!
[Elsewhere, a smiling Kay Fabe is standing by with Kurt Angel.]
KF: So you're wrestling a zombie, huh? What's that all about?
KA: Funny thing, actually, Ms. Fabe. It seems I won't actually be wrestling Zombie Mr. Fantastic tonight. Because I found a replacement.
KF: Is it Keanu Reeves?
KA: Um, no. But close. It's Misty Waters!
[Misty Waters steps into the shot, dressed identically to Kurt: sunglasses, white singlet, and white trenchcoat.]
KA: Orders from the Acting BigBOSS. Don't ask me why. Good luck, Misty. You're gonna need it.
Death: What the hell is this, Kurt? This is how you wage a zombie jihad? Letting some jobber chick do your JOB for you?
KA: Listen here, buster! Maybe you'll get lucky, Mr. Death, and Zombie Mr. Fantastic will get stiff for Misty instead of your wife! Kurt walks away.
Death: Uh, Kurt. That last line wasn't a line.
KA: What? Oh. As the kids would say (he says making air quotes with his fingers), "my bad."
[Kurt walks away. Death walks away.]
KF: (Staring at Misty's cleavage) So, Misty, when you go for the ankle lock, are you gonna, pull the straps down?
[Misty looks down quickly, then back up at Kay.]
MW: I thought you were a REFORMED lesbian.
KF: Every day's a struggle.
[Back to the ring. "Zombie Ritual" by Death is blaring.]
NH: The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Rotted Bacon, Idaho, weighing around 300 pounds, Zombie Mr. Fantastic.
[Zombie Mr. Fantastic begins shuffling down the aisle.]
SW: VINTAGE ZOMBIE MR. FANTASTIC~!
SW: You know. VINTAGE ZOMBIE MR. FANTASTIC~!
Styles: Walking to the ring is vintage Zombie Mr. Fantastic?
Styles: I have no idea who you're parodying.
SW: Sure you don't.
Voiceover: AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHH! HELLLLLLP!
SW: That's a strange voiceover.
Styles: I don't think that's a voiceover!
SW: Are you sure?
Styles: Can we get a camera backstage?
Kay Fabe: Styles, Scotty, can you hear me?
Styles: Yes, Kay. Go ahead!
KF: Oh my goddess, this is bad. Very, very, very, very, very bad.
Styles: What is it?
KF: Get that camera on.
[Cut backstage. A gore-soaked Katie Death is kneeling over Misty Waters, whose head appears to be missing. Or perhaps it's just hidden cleverly using that conveniently-placed potted plant, who's to say?]
Styles: Oh. My. GOD! Katie Death is eating Misty Waters!
SW: Oh baby!
Styles: Not THAT way.
SW: Oh, right. Wow. I wonder if there's a niche in softcore porn for headless chicks?
SW: The heads really don't matter THAT much, yeah?
Styles: This is terrible.
SW: Yeah. Kay! Kay! Important question. Can you get near the body? You might want to loosen the restrictive clothing--
Styles: Kay, ignore him.
KF: Scotty does make a good point…
KF: Right, right, that would be so wrong. *Ahem*
Death: Oh, this ends NOW. I'm gonna go kill your boyfriend.
Death: Well, I'll just…BLAST! Well, I'm still going out there to hurt…cripple…do something to him.
[Death walks away. Katie gets up and shuffles after him.]
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, due to Katie Vicks eating Misty Waters on behalf of Zombie Mr. Fantastic, Vicky Jean has declared that the winner of this match, as a result of a disqualification, Misty Waters!
Styles: I believe that's the first posthumous victory in BOB history!
SW: Oh, right! Trey said no eating of any other roster member. And Katie ate Misty.
["Them Bones" by Alice In Chains hits.]
Styles: And here comes Death! This love triangle has been building up for weeks now, and I think it's about to explode here at October Surprise.
[Death steps over the top rope when he gets to the ring and charges right for Zombie Mr. Fantastic.]
Styles: Death with a knee lift. And another. And another. But Zombie Mr. Fantastic isn't bending over.
SW: He's suffering from rigor mortis. In his PANTS!
Styles: Death can't use the Touch of Death. He can't bend Zombie Mr. Fantastic over to hit the Netherworld Powerbomb? And now Zombie Mr. Fantastic attacks Death! He's gnawing on Death's skull!
SW: I think he just chipped a tooth trying to crack open Death's skull.
Styles: Or possibly, it just rotted out. Zombie Mr. Fantastic can't eat Death. Death can't hit his moves on Mr. Fantastic.
SW: It'll be the Immobile Object vs. the Inanimate Object, and I don't know which is which. And it's probably going to be at MegaBrawl II.
Styles: I would imagine. Well, while this standstill continues, let's head backstage for Kay Fabe, who is now with Steve Studnuts' team. Kay?
[Backstage go now. Kay is with Steve Studnuts, Seth Harker, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."]
KF: Well if it isn't the greatest, best wrestler goddess has ever given man on the face of the Earth. Seth Harker!
Studs: Hey, Lindsay Lohan! My team! Give me the mic, bitch. And just admit that you're a lesbo, already, huh? No offense, Seth.
Seth: That's a fair comparison. I heard her call Barack Obama "colored" the other day.
KF: Can you not blab ANYTHING I say to you in confidence?
Seth: I didn't tell him about your DUI.
KF: Seth! A word, please?
[Kay drags Seth off screen. Studs grabs the mic out of her hand as she's going.]
Studs: Yoink. First off, Plants, don't even think about trying to get in any shots on me before MegaBrawl II or I'll fuck you up worse than one of your own surgeries, ya dig?
SMP: Black Power!
Studs: The fuck?
SMP: Oh, the rules have changed, partner. Change is in the air. The HUNDREDS….*ahem* I said THE HUNDREDS!
Crowd: And HUNDREDS…
SMP: Of the Doc's planted fans are demanding change.
Studs: Hold the fuck on. If anybody is John McCain in this scenario, it's your old ass! The only change that women who visit Titties 'R' Us are guaranteed is lopsided tits with shit in it that'll explode and give 'em cancer if they're really lucky. And if change means beatin' me for the fuckin' ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS? Heh, you'd sooner fuck Nurse Heidi in frozen hell while pigs fly over a Super Bowl featuring the Detriot Lions and Kansas City Chiefs while everyone in the audience shits gold bricks.
SMP: The only way I'm gonna stop you from whuppin' me is to take over. What I'm gonna start sayin' now is Black Power! Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Titles, Black Power! Swiss Army Belt! Black Power! ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. BLACK POWER! At MegaBrawl II, Studs…Black. Power.
[SMP wanders away.]
Sarah: That was rather odd.
Studs: And piss is yellow. Duh!
Sarah: Steve, I've had a bad enough night. I lost my boyfriend. You lost your best friend. You know this means that we're going to end up getting drunk and having really dirty sex later, right? And I mean…dirty.
Studs: Yeah, I heard you had the runs.
Studs: I'd still tap that.
Studs: ANYWAY…At least you don't have to worry about Snore Games.
Studs: The match is rigged.
Kay Fabe: (Offscreen) Hello? Within EARSHOT!
Studs: I didn't fuckin' mean scripted. Never. (Rolls eyes) I meant that it won't really be five on four.
Sarah: Wow. Seriously?
Studs: (Pauses) Did anybody ever tell you that you look like that blonde chick from that Progressive ad?
Sarah: That's a new pair of shoes!
Studs: ANYWAY…What I'm trying to say is that there's a traitor in the midst of the Greatful Dead.
Sarah: Wow. Seriously?
Studs: That's why we don't need a fifth member of our team. Fuck Trey, he was useless anyway. But now, The Great, the question is, is the traitor Trable, that wigger motherfucker? Is it Death, who promised to "get the band back together"? Is it Jerri Li, who is just one crazy ass bitch who wants me? Maybe it's even Kid Pirate. Pirate's don't have any morals. Or eyes or legs for some gat damn reason. Great, you better watch your own fuckin' back, ya dig?
[Back to the ballroom.]
NH: Laides and gentlemen, it is now time for the Bamboo on a Bamboo Pole match!
[Two removalist guys emerge from the back, carrying a sheet of glass. Out from the back emerges American Panda and it shatters as he stomps through it before "Sweet Home Alabama" hits the PA. He's wearing cut off denim shorts and a t-shirt with a panda skull on it. He is carrying a six-pack of Yoo-Hoo to wash down the flavor of Luke Warm still in his mouth. The fans erupt loudly as AP stomps down to the ring.]
NH: Introducing first, from Birmingham, Alabama, and weighing in at 291 pounds and whatever he hasn't yet digested of Luke Warm, American Panda!
Styles: American Panda! American Panda! American Panda!
[He climbs one turnbuckle and holds up a Yoo-Hoo, drinking the entire contents before throwing the empty into the crowd. He does that on all three remaining turnbuckles. He produces a microphone from his pocket which has been especially created for him, called the Panda-Translator 3000.]
American Panda: I'd stick my middle claw up at you guys if it weren't so difficult so how about ya gimme a "Heck Yep"?
Crowd: HECK YEP!
American Panda: See folks often come up to me and say "American Panda, how'd you come to be the toughest Son Ofa Panda in BOB's history?" You know what I say to them? I say I get my wife to bake cookies, then I beat her black and blue and make a Bible reference make a reference to the coke you sniff off a hooker's ass also known as the bottom line and tell you all it's coz American Panda says so.
[The crowd pops loudly.]
American Panda: But you know what makes me the toughest SOP in BOB's history? Eatin' fucken jugulars. I'ma eat jugulars any time I get 'em. Jugulars are an essential part of an American Panda's diet alongside bamboo and tonight I'm gonna show that dookie lickin' Axl felchin' piece of white meat just how awesome havin' yer jugular eaten really is.
Crowd member: EAT MY JUGULAR!
American Panda: Well get on up here.
[The guy in the front row who called out leaps the Flimsy Guardrail® and rolls into the ring. American Panda takes a large bite out of his neck and blood squirts here and there. American Panda gives the kid a T-shirt and helps him out of the ring.]
American Panda: Who wants me to eat a fucken jugular tonight?
Crowd: WE DO!
American Panda: I beg your pardon?
Crowd: WE DO!
American Panda: I BEG YOUR PARDON?
Crowd: WE DO!
American Panda: I. BEG. YOUR. PAR. DON?
Crowd: WE DO!
(...five minutes later...)
American Panda: I.... BEEEEEGGGGG..... YOOOOOOOuuuuuuRRRRR..... PARRRRRRrrrrrr...... DON?
Crowd: WEEEEEEEE DOOOOOOOOOO!
American Panda: I'm sorry. I really can't understand what you're saying BECAUSE I'M A PANDA THAT EATS JUGULARS AND BAMBOO AND WRESTLES HARDER THAN YOUR MAMA THAT TIME THEY TOOK THE ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET IF YOU JELLY WRESTLE YOUR COUSIN FESTIVAL!
[The crowd cheers as American Panda beckons toward the back.]
American Panda: Raise the bamboo pole. Bring out Viruz. It's time to eat a fucken jugular!
["Do You Call My Name" by Ra hits. Crowd boos.]
NH: And his opponent, from Sinister City, Utah, weighing 202 pounds, this is Axl!
Styles: What an On-Demand this has been, Scotty, and it's only about to get better.
SW: Yeah, especially if American Panda gets DQ'ed for eating Axl!
Styles: Axl attached American Panda with a bamboo stick, setting up this match back on iMPLOSION! 12. This is Axl's big chance to make a name for himself by beating the man who ate Luke Warm.
SW: Axl's used to wrestling other guys who have eaten other men.
Styles: Must you say everything you think? Besides, gay jokes are so passé.
SW: What about pussy now?
Styles: Forget it. And here we go! Axl and American Panda charge right at each other are are unloading on each other, Axl with punches, Panda with claws. American Panda tosses Axl out to the floor. Oh you've GOT to be kidding me!
[American Panda charges off the ropes and then does a suicide dive out onto Axl!]
Styles: OH MY GOD! Bear claw suicida! American Panda grabs Axl into a bear hug. Oh, and AP rams Axl back first into the steel post! And now American Panda just unleashing paws of fury on a stunned Axl. And this fight is going into the crowd!
SW: Hide your children! And your jugulars!
Styles: Axl and American Panda are brawling throughout the ballroom now. This is absolute chaos as Dixie Carter's worst nightmare is running wild in BOB.
SW: Axl isn't getting any offense. I approve of this match highly. Though I wish he'd stick to being Pigeon's personal Tommy Dreamer for the rest of their careers.
Styles: Head butt by American Panda! More rapid-fire claws rocking Axl. Now what?
Styles: The fans are running for cover. And now American Panda climbing on the empty chairs. Panda Energy Leg Drop! Panda-mania is running wild in Sin City tonight, brother!
SW: American Panda may have hurt his own ass jumping off that chair though.
Styles: Axl's trying to crawl his way back toward the ring now. American Panda walking right after him. Ass claw! And Axl gets up running after that one! Axl jumps onto the Flimsy Guardrail®! Moonsault press takes out American Panda in the crowd! Axl quickly back up and waiting at the guardrail. Springboard crossbody block by Axl and both brawlers just crashed into a pile of steel chairs like human bowling balls on that one, Scotty.
SW: Bwahaha! Axl just got hit with a cup of beer! That'll teach you to celebrate!
Styles: Ooooh, American Panda just swatted Axl's leg and Axl got crotched on the back of the chair! And he follows up with a brutal European uppercut.
SW: Man, they've barely been in the ring yet. American Panda's definitely bringing "attitude" back. Barely? Uh boy.
Styles: I guess you could call this match "bearly legal," huh Scotty?
SW: Not if you don't want two black eyes.
Styles: And finally, they're back on the right side of the Flimsy Guardrail® and Axl heads into the ring. American Panda takes down Axl with more hard shots. To the corner now. Bell clap by American Panda! But Axl with a kick and that one might have been a little low. He's got American Panda. Tornado DDT! Axl quickly up top now. Splash! Cover! One! Two! No!
Crowd: Jugular! Jugular! Jugular!
SW: Sick fans. I love it!
Styles: And those chants are pumping up American Panda. Spinning back paw to Axl! What is this? OH MY GOD! American Panda looking for the STEYFJ!
SW: STEYFJ? Is your keyboard broken?
Styles: No! It's a stepover eat your f'n jugular. Axl desperately elbowing American Panda in the ear to break the hold. And it looks like fortunately for Axl, American Panda didn't get those teeth locked in. Now American Panda looking for the Crippling Clawface!
Styles: And Axl is a bloody mess now! Oh my god. Axl with some punches. Off the ropes and Axl gets back body dropped. Now American Panda is looking for the bamboo!
SW: That fat bastard finally worked up an appetite?
Styles: It's not his fault he's fat. Pandas have a really slow metabolism. Look out! Axl with a leaping splash and a Sinister leg sweep from the second rope! Nice move there by Axl.
SW: American Panda's no selling it! Look at that! He got right back up.
Styles: What's going on here? Viruz is on his way out here, and he's dragging out Pigeon in chains. Viruz was originally going to get in on this match. He must be worried about Axl.
SW: I'm sure American Panda would gladly eat a Van Halen sandwich for dessert.
Styles: Axl looks a bit confused by Viruz and Pigeon's presence. Sinister Slice by American Panda? How did he learn that move?
SW: Oh, I heard American Panda studies lots of tapes. Right before eating them.
Styles: American Panda now trying to climb up and get that bamboo. American Panda wants a snack. Hold on! Axl's back up now. And American Panda doesn't know it! Evil-Lution Bomb by Axl! Wow! Impressive show of strength there, but Axl's back is hurting after that. Axl heading up to get the bamboo stick!
SW: Hey, look! Pigeon just broke free of the chains! Pigeon's got Viruz up on the apron.
Styles: Axl going over to help his brother and…what the hell?
[The crowd pops a bit.]
Styles: Viruz just kicked his brother in the face!
SW: Thank you, Viruz!
Styles: American Panda with a butt splash! COVER! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!
["American Pie" hits again.]
NH: Here is your winner of the match, American Panda!
Styles: And now, American Panda climbs up and is snacking on the bamboo in celebration! What an On-Demand debut for American Panda.
[American Panda goes to all four corners of the ring, salutes the crowd, and nibbles on his bamboo. After he gets done with that, American Panda leaves. Pigeon slides into the ring and takes a seat in the corner, while Viruz grabs a microphone and kneels beside his fallen brother...]
Vi: Axl... AXL? Can ya hear me? ... Yeah, I didn't think so.
[Viruz rises, holding the microphone to his mouth... He looks out at the Sin City crowd, a few of them actually cheering for Viruz. Of course, anyone who just got through kicking Axl in the face would HAVE to be cheered. Viruz soaks in the few cheers he hears... something that he hasn't experienced ever since aligning himself with his brother. He then looks into the camera...]
Vi: Axl... Bro. When you get home... I know you're going to watch the replay of this show. I know this because it's what you always do. When you see me kicking you in the face... causing you to lose yet ANOTHER match? That's going to piss you off. And you're going to probably tear apart your house. I know this because, again, it's what you always do. And what I'm about to tell you? Yeah, that's going to piss you off as well. I know this because... well, let's face it. Getting pissed off, yelling, screaming, breaking things... it's all you've ever been good at. That, and being filled with ego, having others do your dirty work... and treating those that are foolish enough to care about you like crap.
Vi: Axl... you've had, what, 3 transformations now? And yet, all of them are just as loud, just as obnoxious, and just as GAY as the last. And when I say gay, I don't mean what you think. People call you "gay" all the time. And although you may not be homosexual... "MAY not" being the key term ... they're still right. You ARE gay. SUPER gay. Gay in the way, that, everything you do, every step you take, every move, every action, EVERYTHING... Everything you ARE, is absolutely, 100 percent gay as hell. The way you handle the smallest problems, by throwing the temper tantrum of a three year old? GAY. The way you bore the fans, the wrestlers, your family, and every woman that's ever been in your life to tears with your 5 hour rants? GAY. The way you think about Scotty Whatbody when you're sleeping with Michelle? GAY.
Styles: Settle down, I think that was a joke.
SW: Better have been...
Vi: Axl... when you watch this on tape, I want you to look into these eyes. Because these are the eyes of a man whose fed up with your gayness. The gay that permeates from you isn't the kind of gay that Elton John, or Ellen Degeneres, or Lance Bass have openly ousted themselves as. And it sure as hell isn't the "happy" gay. It's the gay that means, plain and simple, you're LAME. And at MegaBrawl II? Your Reign of Lame comes to a screeching halt. I've had enough of constantly being ordered around by you, and made to feel second rate. It's the same thing you've done to Pigeon, raYne, Steve Roydz, and countless others, but you would think Axl... you would THINK that when it came to family, you would treat me, and our parents differently. But you haven't. You've treated me, and you 've treated them just the same as you treat everybody else. Like garbage.
Vi: But you're the true garbage, Axl... And at MegaBrawl II? It'll be time to take you out. I've spoken with Seth, and he's made a match. You... versus me, in the very first ever "Falls Count Anywhere 'Anywhere Is' Is Playing" match. There will be different areas of the building where the Irish New Age musician Enya's song "Anywhere Is" will be playing, and as long as it's able to be heard by either you or I, pinfalls will be counted. And whoever is pinned will be out of the company for EVER.
SW: Aw yeah! Now I KNOW I'm for Viruz.
Styles: I can imagine.
Vi: Axl... I want you to make sure you save this next part on that tape of yours... it's going to be a preview of things to come.
[Viruz suddenly drops the microphone, reaches down, and lifts Axl up by his hair. Vi harshly whips his brother into the corner... before following in with a flying body splash. Vi then hoists Axl atop the top turnbuckle... follows him up... and NAILS him with the Fatal Error, a back flipping variation of the Rock Bottom from the post. Axl crash lands in the center of the canvas. Vi rolls out of the ring under the bottom rope, and walks up to the entrance... before turning his head. He sees Axl... now lying totally unconscious... Viruz smiles, before turning back around, and heading to the back.]
[Kay Fabe was backstage with the Greatful Dead: The Great, Death, "XFactor" Pete Trable, Kid Pirate, and Jerri Li.]
KF: Hey guys. Lots of accusations floating around. Who's the Judas?
Death: Ya know…Kay, Great, if I may *ahem* KILL these rumors right now, I'd like to explain what I was talking about in my "R.I.P. Snore" Rant. The band I was referring to? The Deathtones. Remember? "I Am The Champion"? I just called to let them know that Big Boney will be the champion once again next year.
[The Great pulls out a transcript of the Rant.]
The Great: I need a stable to hide my fading talent.
Death: Oh, that's not true, Great. You're young. You're still waiting for your talent to show up!
The Great: Those were YOUR words, Death. They were not the words of Seth. So let The Great be perfectly clear. You are not in charge here. Because The Great has already beat you.
The Great: Yeah-huh. The Great won that match at New Horizons by DQ. The Great defeated you. Now, The Great may not have won the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS that night, but a win's a win. And The Great has no doubt that if given a rematch it would end in your pin.
"XFactor" Pete Trable: Yo, dawg, that's tiiiiight!
And I'm sure these snaps could go on all night
But Kid Pirate and the XFactor about to bust a duet
So let's live like Nike and just do it
Yo. Tonight the Greatful Dead goes to Snore, and you gonna leave with some…
Kid Pirate: Scarrrs!
PT: Studnuts, you about as interesting as a promo by Acoustic…
PT: And Seth? Dude, you are just…
PT: And every Snore needs a good whore, so thankfully there's…
PT: Yeah, that was stretching it a bit. Anyway. SMP? Dude, instead of Titties…
PT: Us, change the name to the Winners.
PT: Us: The Greatful Dead. And by the way, this whole rap is really ripping off…
PT: The Rated ARRRR…
PT: But that's ohhhhkay, cuz, he can kiss your…
PT: Word life.
And I was just playin' about having sex with The Great's wife!
I'm Audi 5000!
[Jerri is holding a broken beer bottle just under her nose.]
JL: And all the playing's stopped in the playground now. She wants to play with her toy a while. And school's out early and soon we be learning. And the lesson today, is how to die.
KF: Styles, Scotty, this should be one heck of a Snore Games. Back to you.
Styles: Thank you, Kay. What is this?
SW: Looks like a pre-taped bonus match. Flunky needs to get the Snore Games cage ready.
[A man wearing a neckbrace is in the ring.]
Joel Bertner: Well, well, well.
Bertner: The man with the sausage balloon your girlfriend spent all night trying to turn into poodles, until it finally popped it’s noodles. The man with more push than Triple H, more juice than a barrel full of grapes and more beaten chests than a silverback ape. It is I, the quintessential studcrumpet… Joel ‘more semen than an elephant bukkake’ Bertner.
[“Highway To Hell” by AC/DC plays.]
Bertner: This match is scheduled for one obliteration and is a Drudleyville streetfight! Introducing the winners of the match, the team not even Bruce Campbell could kill… The Drudleys!
[All of the Drudleys climb into the ring.]
Bertner: He’s had a broken leg for five years but BOB wont pay the medical bills. He is the man with more signs than M. Night Shyamalan reading the bible on angel dust. The quiet behind the riot, the innovator of silence, Sign Dude Drudley!
[Sign Dude hops about on crutches while holding up a sign that reads ‘Leatherface fears the Drudleys!’]
Bertner: And the competitors. First, from Chinatown, Drudleyville. Weighing in tonight at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chiseled and jaaacked weight unknown. The cream of the crop, D-Van Drudley!
[D-Van does an OK sign and spins around on one foot.]
Bertner: And the first of his tag partners, from Little Italy, Drudleyville. He weighs in at a rough, ready, riled up, rowdy and rambunctious 318 lbs. The man who single handedly drove that snot nosed punk Kevin out of professional wrestling forever. Rubba Ray Drudley!
[Rubba stares with wide, psychotic eyes before breaking into dance for a few minutes.]
Bertner: And last but not least by a good 200 lbs. From the Rusted Iron section of Drudleyville. 28 inches of pickle jar openers attached to the hulking mammoth of extreme you see before you. Long Schlong Drudley!
[Bertner drops the mic and exits the ring with Sign Dude.]
Styles: The referee is trying to calm the Drudleys down and keep them in their corner, but isn’t having too much success.
[“Come Out And Play” by Offspring hits. Small Tyke Drudley, Little Good and Pigeon walk out.]
Styles: And here come the good guys!
[little Good opens a can of beer and drinks it before smashing it over his head.]
Styles: That beer is room temperature no doubt.
[They all climb into the ring, the ref struggling even more to keep the Drudleys under control. Pigeon sits down in the corner as Little Good drinks more beer and Tyke stomps around manically.]
NH: And their opponents. Introducing first, from Drudleyville. Weighing in at 145 lbs… Tyke Drudley!
[He waves to the audience.]
NH: From Cloudydale, Connecticut. Weighing in tonight at 180 lbs. This… is… Little Good!
[He takes another swig of beer and bashes the can on his head before spitting it out in a frothy cloud.]
Styles: Does he usually drink beer before a match?
SW: Of course he does, he’s British. They’re all drunken idiots.
NH: From The Bowery. Weighing in at 240 lbs… Pigeon!
[He pulls himself back up onto his feet by the ropes.]
Crowd: Fuck ‘em up Little Good, fuck ‘em up! *clap clap* Fuck ‘em up Little Good, fuck ‘em up! *clap clap*
[Long Schlong and Rubba Ray climb out to the apron on the Drudley side of the ring. Tyke and Little Good climb out on their side.]
Styles: Pigeon to start out against D-Van Drudley. A lot of trash talking going on between them.
[D-Van slaps Pigeon.]
Styles: And D-Van seems pleased with himself, raising his arms in the air to taunt the crowd before beating his chest. He’s showing absolutely no respect to Pigeon. Pigeon spins him around and kicks him in the gut, lifts him up… piledriver!
[D-Van flops about on the mat like a fish out of water. He does this all the way to his corner and makes the tag.]
Styles: Rubba Ray in now.
Crowd: Tyke! Tyke! Tyke!
Styles: The crowd seem to be asking for Small Tyke Drudley.
Styles: They aren’t heartless, Tyke is the estranged half brother of the Drudleys and has received a lot of abuse from them over the years. Now’s his chance for revenge!
[Pigeon tags Tyke in.]
Styles: Tyke runs up and goes for a collar and elbow but immediately gets taken over with a body slam. Tyke gets up and charges again, Rubba lifts him up above his head and drops him with a huge press slam.
SW: He looked like a rag doll being thrown at the floor.
Styles: Rubba lifts Tyke up for another press slam and holds him up there… but Tyke breaks free of his arms and takes him down with a falling cross body. 1, 2, Rubba Ray kicks out.
SW: He must have lost his footing.
Styles: Both men back up and Tyke hits elbows to the face. Irish whip to the ropes and a hoodancanrana attempt… but Tyke gets dropped hard with a vicious powerbomb.
Pigeon: I’m sorry Tyke, make the tag buddy!
[Rubba points at Pigeon.]
Rubba Ray: It’s all your fault, boy.
Styles: Rubba pulls Tyke to his feet and pushes him into the turnbuckles. He’s in the wrong corner here, this is enemy territory.
[D-Van chokes Tyke with his boot and Long Schlong punches him.]
Styles: The Drudleys are just bullies. In-bred, foul mouthed, sickening bullies.
[Rubba drives a few knees into Tyke before body slamming him in the middle of the ring.]
Styles: Rubba Ray climbs up onto the second rope.
Rubba Ray: Tyke is dead!
Styles: Diving senton misses and Tyke crawls on his hands and knees to his corner to make the tag… Little Good is in and the crowd goes crazy!
SW: Again, why?! This guy is one of the biggest jobbers in BOB.
Styles: Rubba Ray is back up and gets rocked with a big right hand. And another. Little Good opens up a beer and drinks it as Rubba leans against the ropes, dazed. Little Good smashes the beer can over Rubba’s head!
SW: Why didn’t I get a beer?
Styles: Little Good body slams Rubba Ray and calls for a chair.
[Pigeon drops off the apron and grabs a steel chair before throwing it to Little Good.]
Styles: Little Good lays the chair over Rubba Ray and heads up top. Somersault Senton connects!
SW: That was the sloppiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Styles: Give him a break, he’s drunk.
SW: He just stinks.
[As Little Good taunts to the crowd Rubba tags Long Schlong in.]
Styles: And here comes the monster of the Drudley family. Little Good isn’t sure what to make of him as he flexes his muscles and yells at the top of his lungs. The veins are popping out of his neck!
SW: He’ll soil himself if he does that too hard.
Styles: Little Good with a right hand but backs away and shakes his fist. He nearly broke his knuckles on Long Schlong’s skull.
Rubba Ray: Kill him!
Styles: Little Good picks up the chair and swings, but Long Schlong blocks and takes the chair for himself. Hard chairshot, that may have knocked Little Good out cold.
[Little Good rolls out of the ring. Rubba Ray and D-Van drop down to the floor and attack him. While Tyke goes to make the save, Pigeon climbs into the ring with a Singapore cane.]
Styles: Chaos ensues on the outside as Long Schlong and Pigeon face off in the ring. Right hand from Long Schlong blocked and Pigeon cracks the Singapore cane over his head! Long Schlong tumbles to the outside through the ropes.
[D-Van tosses Tyke over the Flimsy Guardrail as Rubba hits Little Good with a cookie sheet.]
Styles: D-Van and Tyke are brawling through the fans! Rubba slides into the ring just as Pigeon finishes setting up a steel chair. Rubba goes for a forearm but gets planted facefirst onto the steel with a drop toehold.
[Pigeon keeps Rubba under control with clubbing forearms to the back of the head as he drags him out onto the apron.]
Styles: Pigeon setting Rubba Ray up… Unevenflow DDT onto the edge of the ring!
SW: It’s called the Pigeon Drop.
Styles: Whatever it’s called, Rubba is bleeding from the mouth. He may have busted a few teeth.
[Little Good, with Singapore cane in hand, walks over to a barely standing Long Schlong Drudley.]
Styles: Little Good with the Singapore cane on Long Schlong! And he’s trying to beat the ever loving crap out of him! This match has spilled out all over the arena!
[D-Van throws a profusely bloody Tyke Drudley back over the guardrail.]
Styles: D-Van throws Tyke back into the action. He starts to climb over the guardrail himself but gets smashed in the head by Tyke with the cookie sheet! Now all three of the good guys roll their opponents back into the ring.
Crowd: We want tables! We want tables!
Styles: The fans are calling for tables. Little Good, Pigeon and Tyke are more than happy to oblige. But as they go under the apron to get some furniture they don’t see the Drudleys clamber back to their feet. They wait for their opponents to reappear before running to the ropes… three way suicide dive!
SW: I take it back, THAT was the sloppiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Styles: All six men are out on the floor with three tables strewn amongst them.
[Rubba Ray pulls a weapon out from under the ring.]
Styles: Is that…? Rubba Ray Drudley has a cheesegrater and is making a bloody mess of Pigeon! D-Van slides a table into the ring as Long Schlong sets one up on the outside. Pigeon is screaming in agony!
[Long Schlong takes the third table and lifts it up onto the first one he set up.]
Styles: Long Schlong Drudley is stacking two tables on top of each other. And now D-Van is setting the third table up on top of those!
SW: It’s a table sandwich!
[Rubba rolls Pigeon into the ring.]
Styles: Pigeon is in a lot of danger. He can’t see with all that blood pouring down his face into his eyes that all three Drudleys surround him. Long Schlong ascending the turnbuckles as D-Van and Rubba Ray lift Pigeon up into a backdrop position.
SW: Now this is the kind of thing I wanted to see on this show.
Styles: Long Schlong Drudley wraps a massive hand around the throat of Pigeon. This can’t be happening… CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE TABLES! OH MY GYAAD!
Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!
Styles: Pigeon is DEAD! And the fans are rioting as the Drudleys just raise their arms in celebration.
[The sound of a gunshot and a woman screaming is heard.]
Styles: What the…?
[“How High” by Method Man & Redman plays.]
Styles: It’s douja! He’s back!
[douja walks out slowly, pushing a shopping cart full of weapons with one hand and taking tokes from a blunt with the other.]
Styles: The fans are going ballistic! D-Van climbs through the ropes onto the entrance ramp but gets leveled with a stop sign!
[Little Good slides into the ring as the Drudleys have their backs turned.]
Styles: Little Good with the Singapore cane attacks the Drudleys!
[douja throws the shopping cart into the ring over the top rope. He grabs a guitar and mockingly plays it before smashing it over a dazed Rubba Ray’s head in a cloud of smoke. douja dances away on impact as Rubba falls like a ton of bricks.]
Styles: douja is cleaning house! He’s got another weapon… trash can lid takes Long Schlong Drudley down!
[Little Good puts a steel chair between Long Schlong’s legs and holds them apart by the ankles.]
Styles: Oh my god, douja has a golf club… no! Golf club right to the nuts! Long Schlong Drudley’s future parenthood has been taken away from him!
[Tyke throws D-Van back into the ring.]
Styles: douja mockingly pretends to clean the ring with a vacuum cleaner while dancing before smashing it into a thousand pieces over D-Van’s head! Here comes Tyke, who hooks his arm around D-Van’s neck and runs up the ropes… The Coke Snort! That’s his move!
[Bertner and Sign Dude climb into the ring and argue with Vicky Jean, pointing at douja.]
Bertner: Who let that pot smoking douche bag in the building?
Styles: douja rips Sign Dude’s sign out of his hands and staples it to his forehead! Bertner looks like a rabbit in headlights as douja holds up a fork… and he drives it into Bertner’s face! He’s tearing chunks of flesh out of that s.o.b! And I can’t think of anyone more deserving!
[Little Good lifts up Rubba Ray.]
Styles: Little Good now wrapping a Singapore cane around Rubba Ray’s neck. Russian Leg Sweep! 1, 2, 3! He got him!
NH: Here are your winners… Tyke Drudley, Little Good and Pigeon!
Styles: Back to live action now. Well, Scotty, now it's the moment we've all been waiting for: Snore Games! Let's send it up to Nurse Heidi for the intros!
SW: This is blood for blood and by the gallon...And I'm ready for war!
Styles: Uh, OK…
SW: Haven't you ever watched "Sin City"? Do you watch anything besides wrestling?
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event, and it is the Snore Games match! The rules are as follows. The match will begin with one man or woman from both teams. At the end of the first five minute period, there will be a coin toss to determine which team can send in the next entrant. And due to the idiocy of the first Snore Games match tonight, nobody will be allowed at ringside. The coin toss will take place in the back. Entrants will then alternate between teams until all 10 men and women are in the cage. Then, the Match Be-Yawn begins. The only way to win is by submission, surrender, or knockout.
[“Hung” by Napalm Death hits.]
SW: No way! Jerri's going to be in there for the entire match? Sweet!
NH: Introducing first, representing the Greatful Dead. She weighs 123 pounds and hails from Intercourse, Pennsylvania. And she is being accompanied to the ring by Mr. Stabby, this is Jerri Li!
SW: Mr. Stabby? That's the beer bottle Trey gave her! Oh man!
Styles: Jerri Li is a masochist. This is the perfect spot for her to enter. And it looks like the Flunky was able to use some plastic ties to repair that roof. So hopefully we won't have any more roof collapses tonight.
SW: Speak for yourself, Styles. Those are highlight reel material for years!
Styles: Who is going to enter the cage for Team Studnuts?
["I Don't Like The Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" by Marilyn Manson hits.]
SW: Kurt? He's not scheduled for this match!
Styles: Now I get it! Remember when Kurt backed out of his match, due to orders from the Acting BigBOSS Seth Harker? I think we now know why.
SW: We do?
Styles: Yes! Kurt's going to be in THIS match!
SW: Well, yeah. Obviously.
Crowd: You're stoned! You're stoned! You're stoned! You're stoned!
NH: And representing Team Studnuts! He weighs 220 pounds and fell from Heaven. Kurt Angel!
Styles: Kurt Angel and Jerri Li. This should be a brutal five minutes. I just don't know for which one. Who do you like, Scotty.
SW: Jerri. She's so hot.
Styles: Kurt's in the cage, and Vicky Jean's shut it. The first five minutes are underway. After that, the remaining members of each team will enter at two minute intervals. And The Great's got to be wondering who he can trust in this match.
SW: I like this strategy by Jerri. Bounce around a lot. Oh baby!
Styles: Jerri frustrating Kurt early on here.
SW: Kurt, frustrated by women? Must be another Saturday night.
Styles: And we finally get a lockup. Arm drag by Angel! And I think Jerri liked it. Here we go again. And Jerri just unloading on Kurt now! Kurt off the ropes. SPEAR! Oooh, vicious back rake by Jerri there!
SW: I hope Kurt is very high right now. Fighting Jerri is worse than getting chokeslammed into thumbtacks! Look at his back!
Styles: Wow. That is absolutely disgusting. Skin is literally hanging off of Kurt's back after that. Jerri pulling Kurt up by the ears now. And Angel is slammed face first into the cage! And now to the other side of the cage! To the third side of the cage! And Kurt now tossed into the fourth side of the cage.
SW: I wanted blood, and I've got it! Wow! This is going to be a bloodbath! Yes!
Styles: Kurt is gushing blood out of his forehead! His back is bleeding. And we're barely into this match yet. European uppercut by Angel just rocked Jerri. Angel is trying to shake off the pain and get back into this match before he's obliterated and ripped to shreds by the vicious Jerri Li.
SW: I'd hate to be on the heel team in this opening five minute period. They never go well.
Styles: Angel stomping away on Jerri now, who appears to be laughing with every stomp! This girl is not right, Scotty.
SW: I can't even imagine what she's going to do to BOB when she's the Vice President in Charge of Everything for her one night stand. Bring on the weed whacker on a pole match!
Styles: Back breaker by Angel, and he follows that up with more stomps. But Jerri with a stiff right!
SW: I think she just knocked Angel the fuck out! Wow!
Styles: Jerri climbing up the ropes now. And now she's monkey barring her way along the roof of the cage. Leg drop! Very nicely done by Jerri! Now Jerri with a blatant choke as she straddles Kurt's chest, but there is nothing Vicky Jean can do in this one.
SW: Vicky's had such a rough night. I should take her out for drinks.
Styles: You just want to get her drunk and try and get in her pants.
SW: Don't you? Look at what's IN those pants! Or, well, in her mini-dress anyway.
Styles: Now Jerri's just slapping Kurt back awake. And now she's choking him out. Oh, this is just brutal!
SW: I bet she's used that trick on plenty of men before. Though I'm sure there was some kind of vice involved as well.
Styles: A vice?
SW: Erotic sadistic asphixiation.
Styles: Oohhhhh. Yikes. I don't know what's worse. That you thought of that, or that she's probably actually done it!
SW: Holy shit! I know he's enjoying it! Look at that bulge in his singlet!
Styles: Please! Don't pan down!
SW: Careful, Jerri. He might put your eye out with that thing!
Styles: This match is so disturbing. And we're only about four minutes in!
SW: Kurt's got an October Surprise. In his PANTS!
Styles: Jerri dragging a groggy Kurt Angel up to his feet. And I'm honestly not sure if he's groggy due to his drug use or the abuse from Jerri in this one so far, or some combo of the two. Jerri with a little S&M there. A snap and mare. And Jerri with a running kick right to Kurt's face!
SW: Now what's this? Is she trying to suffocate Kurt with her cleavage? I know Jerri would probably kill me, but damn, what a way to go.
Styles: But Kurt counters with some motorboat action! Jerri wasn't expecting that! Jerri charges, but ANGEL SLAM! ANGEL SLAM! Both competitors are down.
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
SW: Fix that sign, Flunky! Damnit. Styles, give me that pen. This is driving me bat shit.
["Them Bones" by Alice In Chains hits.]
Styles: Death! Death is coming out for…wait…the faces WON the coin toss? That's gotta be a first. OK. Well. Death, one of the co-captains, I guess, of the Greatful Dead, is on his way out. And we saw earlier tonight that Death was none too happy about Kurt backing out of the match against Zombie Mr. Fantastic. Death no doubt will be looking to dish out some punishment here. Kurt and Death briefly formed the Skull & Stoned Society not too long ago, but that alliance is obviously over now.
SW: Flunky is such a moron. How hard is it to write a 6 on a card?
Styles: Look who's in the cage now, Scotty.
SW: I saw! What kind of retard books a face team to get the advantage in this kind of match?
Styles: You mean, besides TNA?
Styles: Vicky must've had the double-headed coin out here with her. Death waiting on Kurt to get up, who is desperately pulling himself up using the ropes. And…OH MY GOD! No!
Styles: Death just kicked Jerri Li in the face! She's a member of HIS team!
SW: HEEL TURN! SWEET!
Styles: And Kurt and Death embrace! Oh, come on! The crowd is going monkey at this shocking turn of events. Death's got Jerri. Netherworld Powerbomb! Damnit! This isn't fair! It's gonna be three on one when the next person comes in. The Great's team is SCREWED!
SW: This is awesome! I love it!
Styles: Death just pounding those bony fists into Jerri's studded head. And Kurt's got Mr. Stabby. Oh my GOD! Jerri has just been lacerated viciously!
SW: Man. This might even be too much for Jerri.
Styles: Jerri wiping the blood off her forehead. And she licks it? Oh, I just don't even know what's going on.
Styles: Kurt just broke Mr. Stabby. Death whips Jerri to Kurt. Heavenly Slam number two. NO! Jerri slips free. FACEBUSTER INTO THE GLASS!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Styles: Jerri's back up, and looking completely animalistic. She's yelling for Death to come and get her. Death charges and knees her brutally in the midsection. Jerri may be tough as hell, but she's also facing terrible odds here. Sideslam by Death on the glass! OH MY GOD!
SW: Holy fuck!
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 5, 6, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Styles: Um, Scotty? You put the 6 in the wrong place.
SW: Fuck! I'll be right back!
["Dead Between the Walls" by Pelican hits.]
Styles: Ohhhhh no!
NH: The next entrant from Team Studnuts. He hails from Phoenix, Arizona, and weighs 262 pounds. He is one-half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, and the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! STEVE STUDNUTS!
Styles: Jerri Li is about to go through two minutes of absolute destruction. Death, Kurt Angel, and Steve Studnuts are about to give Jerri the beating of her lifetime. Well, possibly, knowing Jerri. And it looks to me like the Skull & Bones Society is back in some form here. The cage door is closed, and Death, Kurt and Studnuts are all having a laugh about this one. Studnuts grabs Jerri. OH MY GOD! He's just gorilla pressing her into the roof of the cage, over and over! And down Jerri goes!
SW: Got it fixed, Styles. And, for the record, is this a holy shit moment or what? Studnuts, Death and Kurt Angel together?
Styles: Kurt holding up Jerri for Studnuts here. Oh my god. Clothesline on the defenseless Jerri Li. She may not even make it to her own show later this month!
SW: Oh, she'll make it.
Styles: Belly to belly overhead suplex by Kurt there! Wow. The Great's team really needs to get some backup in there. Now it's just a gang beating, as all three men are stomping away on one woman. Fans, this is disgusting. Real men don't beat up on women.
SW: I'm not sure if technically Death is a man. I mean, does he even have a penis?
Styles: That's not the point! I can't watch this.
SW: Sure you can. This is like a car wreck on the highway. You've just got to look. Now they're taking turns tossing Jerri into the cage. Wow. Jerri's a bloody mess. Kurt's a bloody mess.
Styles: But Jerri's about to get some help.
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, b, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
SW: That's not a b you idiots! It's a 6! Argh!
Styles: Way to write legibly, Scotty.
["Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life for Me)" by Jonas Brothers hits. The crowd cheers, as Kid Pirate makes his way out.]
NH: Representing The Great's team, he hails from the Eight Seas and weighs 153 pounds, Kid Pirate!
Styles: And Kid Pirate's got his sword with him. And he's going to need it.
SW: It's plastic!
Styles: He's still going to need it. He's basically fighting three men alone, as Jerri is down and not moving. He nails Studnuts with the handle! And there's a shot for Kurt! And there's one for Death! Pirate cleaning house. Oh my GOD! He just poked Studnuts in the eye! Brutal! And you thought a plastic sword would be ineffective?
SW: I didn't realize Kid Pirate was such a dick. Can somebody bring Studnuts some safety goggles?
Styles: Sweet Splinters In Your Chin Music for Angel! Kid Pirate peg legs Death in the chest. Kid Pirate's got Studnuts. And Studnuts eats the cage. Oh my GOD! Kid Pirate's grating Studnuts' flesh like cheese! KP grabs Death and sends him into the cage. Kid Pirate grabs Studnuts by the throat.
Styles: He just broke a bottle of rum over Studnuts' head! Oh my GOD! Kid Pirate is keel hauling Studnuts' team right now. And Studnuts is now also lacerated.
SW: Death has Kid Pirate's sword. Right in the poop deck!
Styles: That's gotta hurt! And so does that sideslam on Kid Pirate. And the numbers game is catching up to Kid Pirate now. And it's about to get even worse! Oh no!
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, b, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
SW: Seriously? They're keeping up this b thing? Seriously?
["Rising Sun" by Bexta.]
NH: Introducing next from Team Studnuts. He's from Parts Unknown and weighs 217 pounds, the Acting BigBOSS, Seth Harker!
Styles: Harker foregoing his usual slow-mo entrance tonight, as he wants a piece of Kid Pirate, the man he'll face in a Walk the Plank Match at MegaBrawl II next month.
SW: I think the real reason he skipped his cool entrance is because we blew our budget on the cage and the hardcore plunder.
Styles: Quite possible. Harker's in. Short-arm clothesline for Kid Pirate. He drags up Jerri and nails her with a short-arm clothesline as well. Scotty, Jerri may be seriously injured here.
SW: Yeah. Maybe we should scratch Deathmatchapalooza off the list after all.
Styles: This is essentially four on one now! This is horrible. Harker takes down Kid Pirate with a tornado DDT! Damn! I think they need to get Jerri out of there. She isn't moving, Scotty.
SW: Yeah. Michelle, or anybody in the back, seriously, send out some help.
Styles: Harker up top. Senton bomb on Kid Pirate. Harker just brutalizing KP now with punches to the head. And KP is busted open as well! Studnuts and Angel now holding down Kid Pirate as Harker heads up top. Here comes the Nightbringer!
SW: Greatest. Snore Games. Ever! This is awesome! The heels are obliterating EVERYONE! Oh man! I can't wait 'til they start destroying The Great! It's gonna be, well, great!
Styles: This is one of the most evil, sickening plans ever devised. And there are the brains behind it. Death. Steve Studnuts. Seth Harker. Kurt Angel. And there is nothing anybody can do to stop this assault right now. Jerri Li looks seriously hurt and hasn't moved. Kid Pirate has been brutalized four on one for going on two minutes. Oh no! Tiger Driver '91 on Kid Pirate! Stop it! Damnit, leave Jerri alone! What a man, Kurt Angel is. German suplex on Jerri Li! Good god.
SW: Man, Kid Pirate needs friggin' Jesus at this point if he wants to have a shot at pulling out a victory.
Styles: Victory? He'll be lucky to have a career after this beatdown, which continues.
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, b, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
["X Gonna Give It To Ya." DMX. The crowd pops a bit, now even the heelish crowd is turning on the heels.]
NH: Introducing next from Team Great. He's from Fresno, California, and weighs 265 pounds, "XFactor" Pete Trable!
Styles: Come on, Pete!
SW: More red meat for the lion's den. Ahahahaha!
Styles: Trable's in. And his fist is wrapped up in a chain! Yes! Trable decks Harker! Down goes Angel! Down goes Studnuts! Death goes down! Come on, Pete! Kick their asses!
SW: This is sad. You're marking out for Pete fucking Trable? How bad things have gotten.
Styles: Belly to belly suplex for Kurt Angel! Belly to belly on Harker into the cage! Oh my GOD! Now Trable's setting up Studnuts on the top rope. CD from the top rope on Studnuts!
SW: Harker's busted. Damn. The only one who isn't bleeding in there is Death, and he can't bleed. It's only a matter of time until Trable's bleeding like a sieve. This is awesome!
Styles: Trable's got up Angel now. And Angel just got dumped into the steel!
SW: Kurt's gonna need multiple skin grafts after this match.
Styles: Trable is doing an amazing job.
SW: Yeah, him and Dick Chain-E.
Styles: He named his chain?
SW: That's what I hear. Everybody names their weapons in BOB, Styles. Haven't you caught on yet?
Styles: Apparently not. Trable just going from one to the next, punching Studnuts, Angel, Death, and Harker, making sure they can't get back up and outnumber him. Kid Pirate's trying to get back up finally. Pirate going after Harker. He drags him up.
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, b, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
["Metalstorm/Face the Slayer" by Slayer hits. The crowd boos at Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" slowly walks down the aisle.]
NH: Introducing next, from Team Studnuts. From Cloudydale, Connecticut, weighing in at 100 pounds, she is the T&A XX Division Champion, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
Styles: Scotty, only two men left to enter now. The Great and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants will be the last two entrants.
SW: Yeah. SMP might actually even up the odds for the Great's team more than Studnuts' team.
Styles: That's a very good point. SMP and Studnuts, who will meet next month at MegaBrawl II, are not on good terms, and I can't believe that SMP would help brutalize The Great's team.
SW: But if he doesn't go along, then I'm sure he'll get a huge ass kicking from them. It's a total no-win for SMP. Oh, this is gonna be GREAT!
Styles: Sarah quickly returning momentum to Team Studnuts here, as she's kicking every face that's moving. Kid Pirate. Trable.
SW: She's also kicking Jerri, who isn't moving at all.
Styles: I don't know what's happened to Sarah, but that's not the woman I trained.
SW: Sarah's gone rogue. Maybe she joined the Republican party.
Styles: Sarahconrana on Trable. Sarahconrana on Kid Pirate. Now Sarah dragging up the bloody mess that is Jerri Li and setting her on the top rope. SARAHCONRANA! Oh my GOD! Jerri Li is just a bloody rag doll at this point.
SW: And now Trable's getting to feel some chain pain. Studnuts just blasting away on Trable's skull with that chain.
Styles: And now Trable has been cut open as well. I think Sarah is the only one not bleeding at this point.
SW: Yeah, but she's got the runs.
Styles: What does that have to do with anything?
SW: I'd rather be bleeding from my head that shitting hot fire out of my ass anyday.
Styles: Trable crotched on the top rope. Sarah charging.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Trable's face kicked brutally into the cage! Meanwhile, Kid Pirate trying to get a superplex on Harker in the corner. Here comes some help from Jerri Li? How did she get up? Uh oh. Here comes Death and Studnuts. OH MY GOD! TOWEROFDOOM~! Everybody's down now except for Sarah!
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, b, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" hits and the crowd pops.]
NH: Introducing next, the captain of Team Great. He is from St. Lous, Missouri, and weighs 225 pounds, The Great!
Styles: And The Great's bringing some weapons to the party! It's a trash can full of plunder. And this one's about to get interesting in a hurry. The Great grabs Studnuts. Into the cage! He grabs Sarah. Chop!
SW: He just chopped her boobies?
Styles: He just did again!
SW: I hope they swell!
Styles: The Great lighting up Sarah's breasts with those chops. Whip and big time back body drop on Sarah, who went up so high her boots hit the roof of the cage!
Crowd: WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO! WOOOOOO!
Styles: More chops for Sarah.
SW: This is bordering on inappropriate touching!
Styles: But now Sarah kicking back on The Great. Side kick, but The Great catches it. The Great figure eight coming up! He's got it locked in! But that won't work for a submission quite yet. SMP still has to enter the match before the Match Be-Yawn can begin. But Death drops the elbow on the man who was supposed to be his co-captain. And The Great is up. Death and The Great! It's ON! Oh my GOD! The Great just blasting Death! Harker and Studnuts tackle The Great, but The Great is like a man possessed! The Great just pounding the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS here!
Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, b, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. HUGE pop.]
NH: And the final entrant for Team Studnuts. He is one-half of the Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, and holds the Swiss Army Belt, from Naples, Italy, weighing in at 240 pounds, Dr. Silaconnnnnnnnnnnnne M. Plannnnnnnts!
Styles: The Sinister Surgeon is here! And he's all smiles as he heads down to the ring. The brawl continues in the cage, but what is SMP going to do here as The Match Be-Yawn begins?
SW: If he knows what's good for him, he'll lead Team Studnuts to victory and leave his morals outside of the cage where they belong!
Styles: Nipple Cutter on Death!
Styles: Death is technically still on Team Great.
SW: Right. Wait. I'm confused.
Styles: SMP just punched Harker! There's a shot for Angel! Low blow on Sarah? Oh my GOD! SMP tosses Sarah face-first into the steel cage!
SW: Hey! You can't do that to a woman!
Styles: And look at this. SMP extending a hand to Kid Pirate? And Kid Pirate takes it. The Great. SMP. Kid Pirate. Pete Trable. And the odds are all even now! Call it a trade, Death for SMP. And I'll take that trade any day of the year.
SW: What are SMP's projected fantasy stats?
Styles: What? And here we go! Jerri takes down Sarah! Kid Pirate brawling with Harker. The Great taking it to Death! Trable and Angel. And that leaves…
SW: SMP and Studnuts!
Styles: Everyone in the ballroom is standing, as the two men who will battle for every Brawlers On a Budget title next month at MegaBrawl stare each other down! Fans, don't you DARE miss MegaBrawl II!
SW: Uh, Styles. Hate to interrupt your shilling, but SMP's got a problem.
Styles: Huh? Oh no! Scotty, you're right. Jerri's down. Kid Pirate's down. Trable's down. The Great and Death are still battling, but now Sarah with a low blow on The Great. Oh no. She's got those damn lovecuffs!
SW: Oh baby! I girl with her own handcuffs? I'm in love!
Styles: She's just cuffed The Great to the bottom rope! Oh no! This is shades of iMPLOSION 2 when Sarah tickled Eliza "The Jobber Slayer 'til she peed her pants!
SW: Oh yeah! That was awesome.
Styles: And Sarah is tickling away on The Great. Which leaves Death, Harker, Studnuts and Angel four on one against SMP. And here we go! Plants nails Death. Shot to Angel. There's one for Harker, but Studnuts has a bat!
SW: Don't blame Studnuts. It's the Great's fault that there's even a bat in the ring.
Styles: Trash bucket to the skull on SMP!
SW: And how does it work that everyone gets busted open, and then The Great gets tickled? Who's booking this crap?
Styles: Now she's got a rubber stake and she's stabbing The Great with it.
SW: Rubber stake? I thought that was a dildo.
Styles: Nope. Studnuts and Angel holding SMP in place in the corner. Oh no! Harker's about to go Coast to Coast! They've got the trash bucket in front of SMP!
Styles: Oh my GOD! Coast to coast dropkick by Harker just smashed the trash can right into SMP's face!
Styles: What was that?
SW: Sarah just kicked the door open!
Styles: What? Oh come on! Sarah just dumped Jerri Li to the floor. Harker tosses out Kid Pirate. And there goes Trable! They're shutting the door. Oh no! They're using the chain Pete Trable brought into the match to chain the door shut from the inside!
SW: Ahahahaha! Oh, man. Plants is SO DEAD!
Styles: SMP is in the tree of woe. And oh woe is SMP! Studnuts puts a chair in front of his face. Here comes Sarah!
Styles: Somebody PLEASE stop this!
SW: Plants can stop it! All he has to do is quit!
Styles: Trable's trying to rip the door off and get back in the cage, but he can't get it open. Oh, this is bad. SMP is in a bad, bad way right here. They drag up SMP. Oh no! NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB by Death! Son of a bitch!
SW: Oh, calm down. SMP earned this. Turning his back on his teammates.
Styles: What do you think Death did? This big plan by Death, Studnuts and Kurt Angel made this happen. And now Studnuts right in SMP's face, just slapping him. And spitting in his face! Enough! Studnuts has Plants up. Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver! Give up, Plants! Give up for God's sake!
SW: He's too stupid to quit!
Styles: Trable's looking for bolt cutters. Kid Pirate's yelling at The Flunky to raise the cage.
SW: But he can't until the match is over. It's not his fault you idiots got thrown out of the cage!
Styles: Another Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver! And now Sarah's tickling away on The Great once again! Can The Great withstand this tickling by Sarah? Can SMP withstand this brutal beat down by four men. Studnuts dragging up SMP again. Another Death Valley (Of the Sun) Driver! Somebody stop this! Plants is a bloody, beaten mess. And now they're just adding more injury to insult, as they toss him into the steel.
SW: I'm just amazed The Great's able to put up with this insane tickling by Sarah for so long!
Studnuts: Give up, Doc! Give up you old fuck!
SMP: Fuck…you…Steve! FUCK YOU!
Styles: Oh, damn! Studnuts grabs Plants and is jamming his knee to his balls! Dear God!
SW: That was about ten knees in a row right to Plants' junk.
Styles: Another Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver! And Plants is not moving. He looks out.
[The bell rings.]
SW: That's it?
Styles: SMP can't continue. He did not give up, but he is unable to continue. But that's not stopping the beating. Oh come on! Studnuts continuing to blast away on an unconscious SMP with punches. Studnuts is sick! Heidi is just staring this at shock. She can't even make the announcement. Death, Seth Harker, Steve Studnuts, and Kurt Angel are celebrating over an unconscious SMP. The crowd is pissed off. Those guys may want to stay in there after what they've done. They deserve to be behind bars for this assault.
SW: You want to talk about a grudge match? Man, our MegaBrawl II main event just got taken to a whole other level by Studnuts here. So wait, if SMP couldn't continue, does that mean The Great's team won?
Styles: I think so. But does it really matter?
SW: Yeah. SMP just cost Studs the match! He choked again!
Styles: This match wasn't about a win or a loss for Steve Studnuts. He just sent a big message to SMP. Fans, we are out of time. Don't forget fans, December 6th, live On-Demand, it's MegaBrawl II! Headlined by Steve Studnuts vs. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. Every title on the line! That one is going to be extreme! For Scotty Whatbody, this is Styles saying…oh my god.
[Fade out on Studs, Harker, Death and Angel continuing to stomp away on SMP.]
©2008 BOB Wrestling!