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Pope John Paul 2

Pope John Paul 2
2002-2003
He blessed the airwaves of BOB at the age of 82!

The Pope Show!

The newest BOB member....EVER!

[Well, here we are. In a church. Nope, this ain't no church, it's too damn fancy schmancy to be a church. Where the heck are we?]

Guy: Ssssh!

[What, oh dammit, people can hear me. Wait a Goddamned sec-]

Guy: No blasphemy!

[Holy shit, that's the Pope!]

PJP2: Listen here, sonny, in my day, we had respect for the Lord. You watch your fuggin language.

[THE POPE SWORE! OMG! OMG! THE POPE SWORE!]

PJP2: Don't get your knickers in a knot, homey.

[Homey?!?]

PJP2: Look, Pope John Paul II is trying to get the attention of the youth, dawg.

[Hey, Popey. Don't call me "dawg". Please!]

PJP2: ::sigh:: Pope John Paul II is just trying to appeal to the youthes, sonny. You see, Pope John Paul ain't getting any younger, in fact this year, Pope John Paul II is 82, or did turn 82. Pope John Paul II don't remember much these days. Have you seen Pope John Paul II's Popemobile keys?

[lol @ Pope. He's searching for his keys in his Popey robe. You've got a bit of Alzheimer's, where's your God now?]

PJP2: You watch your mouth, or Pope John Paul II's gonna wash it out with Holy Water, sonny.

[roflmao @ Pope! Dude, you're 82! You're gonna need somebody to hold me down while you put your "Holy" water in my mouth! lol You been drinking that sacramental wine again?]

PJP2: Oh come all ye faithful, you think Pope John Paul II is gonna take this lying down?

[You're standing.]

PJP2: Take this standing...up...standing up. You think...IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR DAMN FAITH IS!

[Ha-have you been watching wrestling, Popey?]

PJP2: Like, duh, do y-

[Don't do that either.]

PJP2: Sorry. Why do you think you're here?

[Well, that's a good point, usually I'm "Normal" John Johnson's narrator. Why am I here....OMG! OMG! BOB's reasigned me? OMG! TO YOU! THE GODDAMNED POPE!]

PJP2: Language.

[Sorry.]

PJP2: Now listen in BOB, the Pope is here, and if you don't wanna wind up on the other end of the Papal's Elbow, then Pope John Paul II suggests that you pi-::ptui::

[Uh...Popey...you spat your teeth at me.]

PJP2: Fowwy. (Translation: Sorry)

[What?]

PJP2: Gimme muh teef!

[Teef? What's a teef?]

PJP2: Teef! Teef! Muh fuggen teef!

[Oh teeth, there you go. You do realise that this is the least threatening warning to BOB from a rookie......EVER!]

PJP2: Oh come all ye faithful, Pope John Paul II is going to show you all that God rules. God is cool. Real cool. And if you try to deny God's coolness, you shall be smited down by the Right Hand of the Lord, Pope John Paul II!

[He takes a long, deep wheezy breath.]

PJP2: If ya smell...what the Pope's..[he speaks last part quicker]..diaper's been cookin'!

[EW! He's running off, lol, 82 year old guy running with dookie running down his leg. Oh yeah...FTB! FTB!]

--FTB--


[We cut to Styles' basement, where a big BOB banner is hung up behind him. He is holding a BOB microphone and is standing next to Kay Fabe. In the background, there is a cheesy ripoff version of the "Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson, which has been rearranged to sing "We're all stars in the Pope Show."]

Styles: And with that, the Pope was in BOB to the shock of everyone. Hello everyone, I'm Styles, along with Kay Fabe for this special tribute to the Pope.

Kay: He was one of a kind. It was such sad news when we heard he had died recently.

Styles: And what better way to pay tribute to the legend of the Catholic and parody wrestling world then with this tribute show.

Kay: And we'll always remember the Pope's first appearance on the very first Sunday Morning Chloroform.

Styles: Let's go back in time and relive that. As BOB pays tribute to Pope John Paul 2.

POPE BLESSES THE FIRST SMC!

[The camera then cuts to the entryway as "When I'm 64" by the Beatles begins to play.]

Styles: OH MY GOD!

Mark Shill: THE POPE, is HEEEERE.

Nurse Heidi: What a way to kick off Sunday Morning Chloroform. Who needs the religion channel, right? Just tune into BOB every Sunday morning.

S: I wouldn't go THAT far. But why is the pontiff here? He's not on my format? Well fans, he's getting in the ring. He walks over to the poker table that's in the ring and picks up a microphone. Let's see what he has to say.

[The fans stand and cheer wildly for the 82-year-old.]

PJP2: Pope John Paul II thought he'd come out here and lead you all in prayer for the first ever Chloroform. Let us bow our heads.

[The crowd becomes silent. Except for one idiot who yells out "Hey Pope, there's a dookie running down your leg!" Then, a bright holy spotlight comes from the Heavens, shines on that fan's chair, picks it up and whacks him over the head with it.]

PJP2: Our Promoter, Who art in a Sharpshooter, BigBoss be thy name. Thy stadium come, the show's begun, live as it is on television. Give us this day our daily champ and forgive us our "YOU SUCK" chants. As we forgive those who use chairs against us and deliver us not into a heel turn. Amen.

Crowd: AMEN!

PJP2: I bless thee shall be watched before church every Sunday!

[He starts spraying Holy Water on the cameras, the ring and then whips out a Super Soaker and sprays the commentators and fans.]

S: Hey! You soaked my glasses!

MS: IT BURNS!

NH: It's just water. OH, MY HAIR!

PJP2: And Pope John Paul II has an open challenge for anybody who thinks they can beat the buffest 82-year-old in the biz...apart from Hogan. But he main events so why can't Pope John Paul II? Huh? So Pope John Paul II says you'd better pray Pope John Paul II doesn't chose ya, or else you're in for a Heavenly ass beating! If ya smell what...the Pope's....diaper's been cooking!

S: The Pope in his usual Transylvania-like speaking mode tonight.

[The camera then pans to the announce desk for the crew as the Pope shuffles out of the ring and up the ramp.]

It's all about the hoes and malt liquor!

[Where in the blue Hell am I?]

Voice: BLASPHEMER!

[Oh, I'm in the Vatican again. Wait a second, Popey, what are you doing with them hos?]

PJP2: After doing research, Pope John Paul II found out that 83% of people don't want sexual advice from a virgin.

[OK, I don't need the image of an 82 year old man putting his jimmy in an 18 year old chi.....ARGH! THE IMAGE! THE PAIN! THE PAIN! ARGH!]

PJP2: Keep it down, you square. The Pope is trying to play the ladies!

[You just quit it, I have to be here for at least five minutes and if your going to roger beautiful babes in front of me, the least you could do would be give me one. ]

PJP2: Ah, that's the narrator I love. But I'll quit it for five minutes.

[CRAP!]

PJP2: Now listen in homey...

[Don't call me homey.]

PJP@: Sorry. Now, the Pope has entered BOB to show the kids that religion is cool. Expecially my religion and you should all hail God or suffer the consequences by burning in Hell because no matter what they say...

[He begins a little sing-song]

PJP2: ...the Jews are wrong and we were right! DOO DAA! DOO DAA!
They burn in Hell and eat coesha all night! ALL THE DOO DAA DAY!

[WTF?!? :-S Popey, that's wrong to say stuff like that!]

PJP2: Well, people enjoy a good feud and upon chatting with my manager...

[You have a manager?]

PJP2: Duh! The big JC and his pop!

[Oh. Figures.]

PJP2: Anyways, we was chattin' an' shit an' muh dawg, J to da C was sayin' we should chew the cud o' crap and dis dem Jew fooz!

[OK, Popey, two things. 1. No more Ebonics or I'm gonna go to Hell for shooting you. And 2. Wasn't Jesus a Jew?]

PJP2: He was. WAS being the operative term. He started his own religion, man. The one that yourself and ol' PJP2 practices everyday!

[Uh...Popey...]

PJP2: The one that the Pope and the narrator celebrate every Sunday...

[Popey...]

PJP2: ...and we eat pancakes....ON A TUESDAY!

[I haven't been baptised.]

PJP2: And we put palm frongs on the.....WTF?

[My mummy narrator and daddy narrator never baptised me.]

PJP2: Dammit, we'll do it now!

[You sure? the Pope grabs his malt liquor.]

PJP2: Sure I am. Inga and Sven...

[Two people get out of the Pope's bed, both buck naked.]

PJP2: Right, Sven will be your Godfather and Inga will be your Godmother.

[Um...Popey, did you do it with a guy? I thought homosexuals were going to burn in Hell?]

PJP2: Hey, don't knock it til you try it. But they're definitely burning in Hell alright, burning the same as my ring is now.

[TOO MUCH INFO! ARGH! THE IMAGES! THE PAIN!]

PJP2: Quit it. I'll use my malt liquor as Holy Water.

[He blesses the bottle. And pours it my head.]

PJP2: Your baptised.

[Is that it?]

PJP2: Well, I wants to get back to shaggin', narrator. You can have Ingrid over there.

[Sweet! INGRID! Hang on, she's a fatty.]

PJP2: Fat chicks need lovin' too! Plus, you can drink the rest of that liquor!

[SWEET! FADE TO BLACK!]

---FTB---


[We return to Styles' basement.]

Styles: Detached Narrator and the Pope had such fun together.

[Oh, whatever, Styles. We didn't get along at all. He was so stuck in his ways, I couldn't get any script approval. You saw how he 'fixed' the Catholic church scandal, right? That's about as much as he fixed my script. Our relationship didn't last long.]

KF: Anyway. I'll never forget this next match. Scotty Whatbody against myself. And well, a whole lot of shenanigans. This is probably my favorite segment that I've been a part of since I've been in BOB. Kay Fabe and the Pope end up singing together.

Styles: It was on Sunday Morning Chloroform 2. And boy, was it something Scotty would like to forget. Which is why we're so happy to reair this clip. Enjoy.

Kay Fabe vs. Scotty Whatbody from SMC 2

SW: Oh yeah, it's time! See you guys in a few minutes!

MA: The following is a special challenge match. Introducing first, from the announce table, weighing in at…well, I won't embarrass him.

SW: HEY!

MA: He is a living legend in his own mind and your color commentator, Scotty, WHATBODY.

[Over the PA, Kay Fabe's voice is heard: "IF YA SMELLLLLALALALALALALA. What the LESBIAN. Is….Cooking! "Queer" by Garbage begins to play, bringing out the sexiest Wiccan lesbian in parody sports entertainment today, Kay Fabe. Xamfir walks out behind her, still carrying the bell. Apparently he had to go backstage for the drawing.]

S: This one should be over quick.

[DING, DING, DING]

MS: What do you suppose Scotty's strategy will be in this match?

S: Probably cop as many feels as humanly possible. And here we go. There's the first one. Scotty locks Kay Fabe into a bear hug! Would you look at the lecherous smile on his face. Get YOUR HANDS OFF THAT!

MS: OH MY! She reverses it!

S: KAY'S BOTTOM! Oh, she took him down.

MS: The crowd is ON FIRE!

S: Kay is looking around. She licks her lips. She takes some gum out of her mouth and tosses it into the crowd.

Front row fan: Oww, my eye! I'm not supposed to get gum in it!

S: She bounces off the ropes.

MS: It's THE POPE!

S: The Pope is in the ring and charges at Kay! OH NO, he has his big pointy hat on! OH, Kay avoids the charge! Kay is staring at The Pope!

MS: This one could get ugly. There are some bitter feelings between these two!

S: There are? Well anyway. Wait. Kay Fabe is calling for the microphone! What is gonna happen here?

KF: Why in blue hell

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats to The Pope.]

PJP2: BLASPHEMER!

[Kay steals the mic.]

KF: Why have you brought your stinky, pimply old man ass into the lesbian's ring?

[Crowd pop. A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: You shall be smited down by the Right Hand of the Lord, Pope John Paul II! Listen up you dirty ho.

[Kay snatches the mic. She looks around at the crowd and licks her lips as a minor "Kay Fabe" chant breaks out.]

KF: We go back to a chat room. Lesbian Chat 69. The Pope pretending to be a lesbian, trying to act like a lesbian, trying to get with the Hot One. Kay Fabe has not, forgotten. Someday soon, but seeing as how this is BOB, probably sometime next year, Kay Fabe is gonna lay the carpet down on your righteous ass! And also, FINALLY, Kay Fabe, HAS…

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: God is da bomb. Do you really expect The Pope to sit here and listen to you drop knowledge when I should be kickin' it old school about the Big Guy upstairs. But what The Pope thinks you were trying to say is, FINALLY, GOD…

[Kay steals the mic. Crowd pop. A Kay Fabe chant begins again.]

KF: FINALLY, Kay Fabe has…

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: (Mockingly) Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe. What I think you're trying to say, finally GOD's RIGHT HAND MAN…

[Kay takes the mic again.]

KF: You don't grab the Hot One's mic. You don't hear Kay Fabe coming out and talking about (mockingly) blasphemer, blasphemer, blasphemer, blasphemer, blasphemer.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! (The crowd starts chanting along with the Pope. Must be Catholics.) You don't like what I'm saying. If ya smell what the Pope's…

[Kay steals the mic back.]

KF: Bla…bla…bla, blasphemer. You don't see Kay Fabe saying stupid dookie jokes.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: I got one thing…

[Kay steals the mic back. She suddenly gets a whiff of something.

KF: Awww, CRAP! The lesbian smells what you're cooking. It smells like a SKUNK took a DUMP.

[Crowd pops.]

KF: There's a DOOKIE running down your leg, isn't there? Don't answer that. Well Pope, the Chimichanga Champion has something she would like to say to you. Kay Fabe wants you to take that hat…but a bunch of KY Jelly on it so its nice and lubed up. Then I want you to bend over and put your hat the Enema Express.

[Crowd pop. A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: You think you're funny? You call what I got in my diaper a dookie? You called it a dookie? She called it a dookie. That ain't no dookie lezzy. That's an offensive weapon. I call it a diaper full of dookie face! It hurts my feelings. You, beeeeeyotch. It'd be easy for us to throw down, but the Pope has found that often a little song eases the tension. So maybe I'll sing you a song right here and now. To ease the tension. I'm gonna dedicate this song to a lovely little boy who died for our sins. He went into a hotel in Mianus the other night…

[Crowd pop at the town name mention.]

PJP2: He put some nails on the counter and asked the manager to put him up for the night. That boy was Jesus Christ. *Ahem* You dawgs like that Britney Spears chick, right? Well, this is a little ditty that goes by the name of "I Got Baptized Again."

PJP2: *Singing* I repented again, I counted the cost to see that I'm scum, I'm sorry! I hate my life so much, but still I don't see how I hurt Jesus, 'Cause to give up my life, that is right for me, I'm so sorry…

PJP2: OH I.. got baptized again, I went in tub got saved one more time, Oh Jesus! I...I'm saved one more time, I feel so alive, I can't wait to evangelize. *End singing* Make you feel better?

[Kay takes the mic back.]

KF: Kay Fabe appreciates that. How about Kay Fabe sing a song to you. Would Mianus like to hear Kay Fabe sing?

[Crowd pop.]

KF: We're gonna do a little Lords of Acid for all you fine people in Mianus. *Ahem* *Singing* She has the body of a woman, she has the power to be witch. She has the body of a woman. She has the power…

KF: The magick is in the feeling, I can make you do what I want you to, The magick is in the feeling, I can make you do what I want you to, I'm gonna voodoo-u! *End singing* Make you feel any better.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: I feel dirty!

[Kay takes the mic back.]

KF: Well then let's do something together to make all these people happy.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: Does Mianus wanna see Scotty get his face in the Pope's anus.

S: OH MY GOD! That idea came out of nowhere!

PJP2: Styles, didn't you just hand me that index card? *Shrugs* What do I know. I can't even remember…what was I saying?

MS: Now, The Pope and Kay Fabe are working together!

S: A lesbian and the pontiff are unified. I'll be DAMNED. Catholicism just might be cool after all! They put Scotty in the corner who is amazingly still selling Kay's Bottom. OH NO! He's not going to do the smelliest move in parody sports entertainment today is he?

MS: THE DOOKIE FACE!

S: The Pope backs his holy ass up! Dookie Face into Scotty! Oh, I bet Nurse Heidi wishes she were here now!

[The Pope and Kay Fabe both laugh and shake hands and the crowd cheers and laughs.]

MS: This is surreal!

KF OH by the way. Kay Fabe will never EVER forget.

S: KAY'S BOTTOM ON THE POPE! Kay drags Scotty out to the middle of the ring! Cover! One, two, three!

[Crowd pops huge. Eddie B cranks "Queer" as Kay climbs onto the middle rope and holds her title up high.]


The Papal's Puppies!

[Well here I am. I'm at the freaking Vatican today there's a crowd gathered outside Popey's balcony. Let's take a gander at what's going on. I stroll outside...HOLY CRAP!]

PJP2: BLASPHEMER!

[Sorry. There's hundreds upon thousands of College brats here.]

Guy in Crowd: UCLA! WOOOO!

[Wow. American College students. There's like en nuns all in a row here. And there's the Pope. Hey.]

PJP2: Hey there narrator. The Pope says this: give the people want they want and if they cry for titties? Let them be given. Genesis 34:12

[That's in Genesis?]

PJP2: You've read Genesis?

[No.]

PJP2: Then sure, why not? It says in John, Chapter 79, Verse 8, "And the Lord cried 'Where for art though titties and beer?' na dhtere was. And that was the 60th miracle."

[Wow. I gotta read the Bible more often.]

PJP2: Don't quote the Pope on that. Anyways, let the Wet T-Shirt competition begin!

[The crowd roars but the nuns stand there looking scared. A cute one with an enormous rack approaches our Pontiff.]

Nun: Your majesty, are you sure our Lord wants us to bare our breasts to these drooling young men.

[The Pope looks offended. He's thought of something.]

PJP2: The Lord is telling me something sister...

Nun: Yes, your majesty!

[Quiet, he's channeling!]

PJP2: ....he says for your doubt not only must you bare your breasts to these drooling young men, but you must sacrifice your cherry to the Pope.

[She looks offended.]

PJP2: Oh Lord....um...er...why must this young worker of God sacrifice her cherry to the Pope's enormous "crucifix"? Why must you chose the Pope to break in the bitch...erm...worker? The Pope doesn't think he can do it!

[The Pope is on he's knees.]

PJP2: The Pope begs you Lord. Don't make me do her doggy style while the Pope watches the Carolina Panthers win. Don't make the Pope put another $20, 000 on them to win out of the Vatican's Save the Children of Somalia fund! Don't make him drink malt liquor and surrender this poor woman's cherry I beg!

[I think he's gonna cry.]

Nun: what did he say, your majesty? What did he say?

PJP2: He said "Tough titty, get those puppies out and beg!"

[WET T-SHIRT COMPETITION! WOO!]

PJP2: High five, Narrator my man!

[We slap fives. Hey, Popey, you got a match at the PPV against Jim from the Kent State Krew and Dust Buster Boy.]

PJP2: Do they think they can step into the ring with the Papal's Champion? The ost Religifying Man in Sports Entertainment? The Pope asks you this: Who gave Scotty Whatbody a Dookie Face last week?

[Uh....You?]

PJP2: Damn straight the Pope did. But the Pope guaran-damn-tee's this: Papal's Elbow and the Pope will be on top of the BOB thingy.

[World?]

PJP2: Nope.

[Litter?]

PJP2: No, that's pick of the litter.

[Yeah, right. Uh...Roster?]

PJP2: Shut-up.

[OK]

PJP2: A warning to that sucker and Dust Buster Boy. The Pope says this: you can't pray for a win. God is in the Pope's corner, ya little devils. Try hitting him with a chair shot! The Pope says this: you lose!

[Oh very creative.]

PJP2: What?

[Well you rip-off the Rock half the time and now "you lose"? Pffft. That's pathetic!]

PJP2: Who has nun's showing their breasts in a wet t-shirt competition?

[Wow! Nice speech. Now let's enjoy these puppies!]

PJP2: Lemme finish.

[OK]

PJP2: If yer smell-la-la-la-la-la....what the Pope's.....

[OMG! THE CROWD IS JOINING IN!]

PJP2 & Crowd: DIAPER IS COOKING!

[FADE TO BLACK......NO-

---F-t-B---

The Pope John Paul II Show

[Well, here I am again. I've been screwed out of any real work by Travis Beaver. Asshole. And I'm still stuck with the Pope. Where are we. Hang on, I'm at an Eminem concert. Sweet. Maybe he's a wrestler for BOB. He's just finished singing a song.]

Eminem: Aiii, sup y'all, be jiggin an' shit. WOO! Das da bomb dawg an' we got muh boyee Po-P! Give up y'all!

[I got no idea what he just said. But the Pope is coming out on stage. Him and Eminem are sharing a homey hug. The Pope never gives me a homey hug.]

PJP2: The Pope would like to thank Jesus for making this all possible. This ones going out to all of his bitches out there! Eminem, you start this one off, the Pope'll just join in somewhere.

[The music kicks in and Eminem puts on his "nasty" face. The Pope decides he should do it to. But his is more a grumpy old man face. But whatever works for him, right?]

Eminem: AMERICA! Hahaha, we love you!
How many people are proud to be citizens of this beautiful country of ours?
The stripes and the stars for the rights of men who have died for the protect?
The women and men who have broke their necks for the freedem of speech the United States Government has sworn to uphold.
Yo, I want everyone to listen to the words of this song
Or so we're told...

[Eminem starts bobbing his head back and forth so he looks like an Ostrich runing through the desert. The Pope decides to copy him, but stops because his neck is about to give way.]

Eminem: I never woulda dreamed in a million years I'd see
So many mutha fuckin people who feel like me
Who share the same views
And the same exact beliefs
Its like a fuckin army marchin in back of me
So many lives I touched
So much anger aimed at no perticular direction
Just sprays and sprays
Straight through your radio wavs
It plays and plays
Till it stays stuck in your head
For days and days
who woulda thought standin in this mirror
Bleachin my hair wit some Peroxide
Reachin for a T shirt to wear
That I would catapault to the fore-front of rap like this
How can I predict my words
And have an impact like this
I musta struck a chord wit somebody up in the office
Cuz congress keeps tellin me
I aint causin nuttin but problems
And now they sayin im in trouble wit the government
I'm lovin it
I shovelled shit all my life
And now I'm dumpin it on!

[Eminem nods to the Pope who nods back.]

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: The Pope could be one of your kids.

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: Little Eric looks just like this.

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: Erica loves the Pope's shit. Pope got to TRL, look how many hugs he gets!

Eminem: Look at these eyes baby blue baby just like yourself
If they were brown
Shady knew shady sits on the shelf
But Shadys cute
Shady knew Shady's dimples would help
Make ladies swoon baby...

PJP2: Oooo baby!

Eminem: Look at myself!
Lets do the math
If I was black I woulda sold half
I aint have to graduate
From Lincoln High School to know that
But I can rap so fuck school
I'm too cool to go back
Gimme the mic
Show me where the fuckin studio's at
When I was underground
No one gave a fuck I was white
No lables wanted to sign me
Almost gave up, I was like "Fuck it"
Until I met Dre
The only one who looked past
Gave me a chance
And I lit a fire up under his ass
Helped him get back to the top
Every fan black that I got
Was probably his
In exchange for every white fan that he's got
Like damn we just swapped
Sittin back look at this shit wow
I'm like "Does this skin work for my benifit now?"

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: The Pope could be one of your kids.

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: Little Eric looks just like this.

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: Erica loves the Pope's shit. Pope got to TRL, look how many hugs he gets!

[The Pope gives Eminem the cut-off gesture and the Pope begins making some West side signs to the crowd and they cheer loudly.]

PJP2: See the problem is the Pope speak to suburban kids
Who otherwise
Woulda never knew the Good word exist
These moms probably heard of God and dissed
Till the Pope spoke about a higher exitence
Straight out the Vatican right into ya livin rooms the Pope came
And kids Flipped
When they found out I was produced by the big J
Thats all it took
And they were instantly hooked right in
And they all bought their bibles and confessed their sin
Thats why they put God's lyrics up under this scope
Searching like they looked for Jesus in his tomb
When the Pope speaks it's like he's about to choke
This tightening around his throat
Watchin the Pope while he write this like "This be better than Jehovah's YO!"
All the Pope hear is
Preachings preachings constant controversy
Satan's workin round the clock
To try to stop my preaching early
Surely God is never a problem
In the Vatican only in Utah
After it bothered ya fathers
of daughters startin to confessing
Now the Pope catchin the flack from these Satanists
When they raggin
Actin like PJP2 is the 1st Pope to smack a bitch and say faggot
Shit
Just look at the Pope like the Pope's ya closest pal
A Holy child
the mutha fuckin Church spokesman now!

[The crowd roared their approval as the Pope raised the roof. I didn't know he could rap so well. Eminem is raising the roof too.]

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: The Pope could be one of your kids.

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: Little Eric looks just like this.

Eminem: WHITE AMERICA!

PJP2: Erica loves the Pope's shit. Pope got to TRL, look how many hugs he gets!

Eminem: So to the parents of America
I am the damager aimed at little Erica
To attack her character
The ring leader of the circus of worthless pawns
Sent to lead the march right up to the steps of Congress
And piss on the lawns of the whitehouse
To burn the casket and replace it with a parental advisory sticker
To spit liquor in the faces of this democracy of hipocracy
Fuck you Ms Cheeney
Fuck you Tipper Gore
Fuck you with the free-este of space this divided state of embarrasment will allow me to have
Fuck You

PJP2 & Eminem: Hahaha! We just playin america, you know we love you!

[The music finished and the fans go crazy. Eminem and the Pope are leaving the stage. Let's see if I can get backstage. I'll just show my breasts. What? I'm a narrator. Whatever I says goes. Hey, I got some nice nipples. Le rowrrr. Bleh. Anyways. I got backstage. The Pope and Eminem are talking.]

Eminem: Hey dawg, yo be spillin aiii good shit. Dang muh boyee be killa G, fo shizzy.

PJP2: The Pope says he is in touch with the youth. Maybe next time the Pope can organsie for God to do a bit of scratching, eh?

Eminem: G be coo fo scritch scratch y'all, be aiiii. I be playin wit y'all an is ezy sh-neezy dawg.

PJP2: That's right.

[You can understand this jackass?]

PJP2: You're talking chop about the Pope's man, Marshall?

[Uh, well. I can't understand a word he's saying. The Pope pulls out a bag of weed.]

PJP2: Marshall, get to chopping this shit up. The Pope feels like he's sinking quicker than the Titanic.

Eminem: Aiii, be choppity chop chop nigga. But fo momento dawg, we light up dis fucked coz it be sweet aiiii. Yo cook it's ass an take a puff an pass y'all coz I be hangin to gettin China eyes, aiii, knowhudamsayin?

PJP2: No. But the Pope will spark up this dooby will you chop up the shrubbery. Get to chopping Marshall.

[Uh, you have anything to say about your up coming match at a Chance Would be a Fine Thing?]

PJP2: Can't you see the Pope is trying to get high? Come see me another time boy. I got some lines back there and some hoes to tap into. Get to stepping before I send you to Heaven.

[Fine. Fade to black. Damn party pooper. Supposed to pass to the left hand side asshole.]

---FTB---


[Back to Styles' basement. That "The Pope Show" song is still playing in the background.]

Styles: Some people heal through crying or whatever. In BOB, this morning, it's all about reliving the good times that The Pope gave us. Another great memory came live on pay-per-view at Send Us Money: A Chance Would Be A Fine Thing.

KF: I think this match is significant because it's the first time we saw the Papal's Elbow. The holiest move in sports entertainment history.

Styles: Let's get to it!

Dustbuster Boy and Jim "Totally Packaged" vs. Pope John Paul 2 and Unorthodoxo from A Chance Would Be A Fine Thing

SW: Mike, we're about to get this next one underway. Here's the Masked Announcer!

["POP" by N*Sync starts to play as the Masked Announcer coughs out his microphone.]

MA: Coming in at a combined weight of what they'd weigh, both from their respective mothers. The Global and Foot Foot Champion..."The Next Big Thingee" Dustbuster Boy with his partner one 1/2 of the Four-Play Tag Champions, "Totally Packaged" Jim from the KSK!

[The fans all dance to N*Sync as the pair come out. They look around at the disturbing sight of the fans dancing to N*Sync before making their way to the ring.]

SW: Look at Jim, he's Totally Packaged!

NH: I'll say.

MM: Well, go on.

NH: Go on what?

MM: SAY IT!

NH: Look at Jim, he's Totally Packaged!

MM: Amen, sister!

Masked Announcer: And their opponents coming in from sperm meeting eggs, at weight that would most likely be theirs combined, accompanied by God, UNORTHODOXO and Pope John Paul II!

["When I'm 64" plays over the P.A. and all the old people begin to do the monkey. A ray of light comes down, picks up a chair and hits an old lady with it. Immediately the rest sit down as the duo head down to the ring.]

MM: This should be a great match!

NH: Really?

MM: What? Oh sorry. I was about to light my cigarette.

NH: I didn't know you smoked.

MM: Only after sex.

NH: You haven't had sex.

(Mike Munroe looks at his cigarette and throws it away.)

MM: Oh, right. Riiiiiiight…

DING! DING! DING!

SW: This match has started with UNORTHODOXO and The Next Big Thingee, Dustbuster Boy! They're trading punches.

[Pan to ring.]

UNORTHODOXO: You got any uppercuts?

Dustbuster Boy: Fish.

UNORTHODOXO: SIGH!

[Pan to Whatbody.]

SW: Dammit, fight!

MM: Now they start throwing punches. Lefts and right and stuff. This is exciting.

NH: I think the Pope is making eyes at me.

MM: Well, you wouldn't wanna turn him down. He can have you burn in Hell y'know?

NH: Who said I was gonna turn him down?

SW: Dustbuster Boy with a powerbomb on UNORTHODOXO and man does he sell it!

NH: His diaper is kinda cute.

SW: Dustbuster Boy starts stomps on him and UNORTHODOXO has sold it so well he lands outside the ring!

NH: His hat is nice, too.

MM: How do you bounce over the top rope from a stomp?

SW: Shut-up and call it, Munroe.

MM: Dustbuster Boy in the ring and leaps over the top rope FOR A SUICIDA TOE STAMP ON UNORTHODOXO!

SW: That was suicida?

MM: You know the deal with that, Whatbody. It makes it more death defying if we call it that.

NH: Maybe him and God would like a threesome.

(A beam of light comes down and Nurse Heidi begins to quiver and moan.)

NH: OH GOD YEAH!

MM: Holy Shit! I mean, sorry.

SW: Lift your feet, Munroe. Grab your snorkel.

MM: Dustbuster Boy just threw UNORTHODOXO into the ring but he's selling everything so much he rolled right across and off the other side!

SW: Stupid UNORTHODOXO!

NH: Yeah, ROLL IT!

SW: Sure.

MM: He rolls him into the ring again but he rolls out the other side! This could get monotonous, Scotty.

(Dustbuster Boy lifts UNORTHODOXO up and rolls into the ring himself with UNORTHODOXO in his arms.)

MM: Finally.

SW: Dustbuster Boy is dragging him into the Pope's corner and making him tag him. UNORTHODOXO doesn't want to. But the Pope makes the tag himself.

MM: Pope is in!

NH: STICK IT IN! STICK IT IN!

SW: What's this odd ray of light?

MM: The Pope puts a boot into the midsection of Dustbuster Boy and then DDTs him in the centre of the ring. The fans go wild.

(Cue the crickets)

SW: He moves pretty well for someone his age.

MM: Indeed. He turns the Next Big Thingee upside down and PILEDRIVER!

NH: DRIVE IT! DRIVE IT!

SW: I thought she was a Pope fan, wouldn't have guessed it though.

MM: There's a cover...

1...2...th-kickout!

SW: Dustbuster Boy escaped there and he makes his way crawling toward Jim. Who happens to be totally packaged!

MM: Amen, sister.

SW: Huh? The Pope drags him back by the ankle but the Next Big Thingee kicks him in the mouth. The Pope falls over and Dustbuster Boy crawls like he's never crawled before.

MM: And there's the hot tag! I mean tag, did I say hot tag?

SW: No. Jim enters the ring and clotheslines the Pope. UNORTHODOXO enters and gets dropkicked. UNORTHODOXO sells it so much he's.... LOOK OUT!

MM: Jim just dropkicked UNORTHODOXO through our announce table! That was cool.

NH: OH MY GOD!

SW: It was a great move, huh, Heidi?

MM: Jim and the Pope face to face in the ring. They begin to trade kicks. Shin kicks! THIS IS A MASSACRE!

SW: I can't watch Mike!

MM: Nor can I.

[I guess it's left to me then! In the ring the Pope and Jim continue to trade kicks! SHIN KICK! OH MY! I can't watch either.]

MA: Don't look at me. I cringe every time I see a shin kick.

NH: OH MY GOD! OM LORDY YES!

SW: They stopped shin kicking. Jim kicks the Pope in the midsection and it looks like it could be over KREW KUTTER!

MM: No, the Pope pushed him into the corner. Jim is laid out in the corner. And here comes UNORTHODOXO!

SW: It's that move! I Hump Your Face Repeatedly!

MM: Dustbuster Boy should get in there and help him.

SW: The Pope is slapping his cheeks, this can only mean one thing!

MM: What's that heinous smell?

SW: Oh damn. That's rank.

NH: HERE CUMS HEIDI!

SW: UNORTHODOXO moves just in time. The Pope moves in for the DOOKIE FACE ON JIM! DOOKIE FACE ON JIM!

MM: GORE!

SW: Huh?

MM: Sorry.

[Jim bursts out of the corner with turd all over his face just flipping out. HE punches UNORTHODOXO and he flies over the rope and through a piece of the BOB Extend-o-table.]

MM: Man, what a punch!

SW: Jim is not happy, Mike.

NH: Oh man. Where'd that cigarette go, Mike?

SW: Welcome back, Heidi.

NH: I've been to heaven now. I've seen God.

MM: Jim starts scratching at the Pope. A kick to the midsection and there's the KREW KUTTER ON POPE! KREW KUTTER!

SW: This could be over!

NH: Look!

[As Jim starts the cover a chair is picked up by a holy light and floats over. It cracks Jim across the head and then hits Dustbuster Boy across the noggin. Then it helps the Pope to his feet.]

MM: God just interfered!

SW: The referee won't DQ him coz he might go to Hell.

MM: CHEATER!

CRACK!

SW: That holy light just knocked out Mike Munroe!

NH: About time. The Pope looks down at the laid out Jim. I think we're gonna seen the Most Religifying Move in Sports Entertainment, Scotty!

SW: The Papal's Elbow?

NH: The Papal's Elbow!

[The Pope rips off his diaper and throws it into the crowd. Fans scatter as the heavy diaper splatters on the concrete.]

SW: Ew.

NH: Good God, he's been gifted!

SW: Sir Hungalot look out!

NH: He bounces off one set of ropes, leaps over Jim and then other set of ropes. He's near Jim and there's the sign of the cross...PAPAL'S ELBOW!

SW: 1...2...3! It's all over Heidi!

NH: The Pope has won and I think he, God and myself should go celebrate tonight!

SW: Indeed you should. The Pope has a microphone!

[The fans begin to hush as the Pope looks out over them all.]

PJP2: The Pope says this: if you feel like you can take the Pope on in this here squared circle then you'd better get worshipping. Worshipping Satan because praying can't help ya. With God in the Pope's corner the only thing you can do is lay down and take the 1..2..3! Testify!

[The fans cheer.]

PJP2: So the Pope is leaving an open challenge to everyone here in BOB. For a crucifixion match! First person to tie their opponent to the cross wins. If you think you can take the Pope on, then just bring it! The Pope says this: it's all about the titties and beer!

[The fans cheer again.]

SW: Don't these people realise he's not wearing pants?

NH: He's the Pope.

PJP2: IF YER SMELL-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA....WHAT THE POPE'S....

PJP2 & Crowd: ...DIAPER IS COOKING!

Meet the kids...

[Well, here I am. The narrator. And no, I'm not the Detached Narrator. He works for another company. Pffft. I just get to go under the name narrator. With a little "n" because I'm down with all the kids. Enough about me, coz BOB don't pay enough to learn about me. I'm here with the Pope. Pope John Paul II. Where the Hell are we, PJ?]

PJP2: The Pope and you are at a half-way house for altar boys.

[Half-way house? They have problems with sacramental wine or those little chips?]

PJP2: What? No. They're the ones we've saved over the years.

[Saved?]

PJP2: Yes. The Pope thinks you know what the Pope means.

[Nope.]

PJP2: You'd have to know.

[About what?]

PJP2: The priests. About the priests.

[What about them? What do they do to altar boys?]

PJP2: Let's just call it within the priestly community the priests call them "Altar Bitches".

[A bit of jailmate, if you know what I mean, Popey.]

PJP2: Well, you'd know. The Pope doesn't swing that way. If his colon itches, it just doesn't get scratched.

[What? No. Neither do I.]

PJP2: Look, to deal with todays kids the Pope has to deal people like you.

[Like me?]

PJP2: The Pope thinks that if you want to wear you rainbow badge just go right ahead and march through San Fransisco.

[Are you saying I'm gay?]

PJP2: The Pope says that if you want to come out of the bathroom, go right ahead.

[Bathroom?]

PJP2: Yup.

[No, you mean closet

PJP2: Closet

[Yup. You mean I came out of the closet.]

PJP2: The Pope is proud of you for dealing with your sexuality.

[What the f-eep-k are you talking about?]

PJP2: You. You just said you came out of the closet.

[No I didn't.]

PJP2: You did. You said "I came out of the closet". The Pope heard you with his own ears. Are you calling the Pope a liar?

[No. But I'm not gay.]

PJP2: Sure. Whatever you say, narrator.

[The Pope winks at me like he's in on the joke. Quit that. I'm not.]

PJP2: Anyway, wanna know why we're here?

[Sure. I guess so.]

PJP2: The Pope has decided that if Trey Vincent wants to take over BOB with his iAD the Pope will create an unstoppable team to stop him dead in his tracks.

[BWAHAHAHAHA! You won't stop him! You couldn't.]

PJP2: Hey, the Pope has God as a manager and a tag team by his side.

[Tag team?]

PJP2: We came here to see the Pope's team mates in his new stable. The Altar Boys.

[Two boys walk over toward me and the Pope. Uh, PJ, they're like thirteen years old.]

PJP2: Meet Paul Leary and John Levine. The Altar Boys.

[But they're thirteen.]

PJP2: The Pope wants to know what problem you have with this.

Paul: Yeah, talky.

PJP2: Good one.

John: Yup, nice one, Paul.

Paul: Thanks.

PJP2: And that's the kind of tough love we're gonna show BOB. We're gonna bring a younger edge to the federation.

[Oh my God. You do realise you walking around with two thirteen year old boys will be like Michael Jackson, Popey.]

PJP2: The Pope doesn't understand what you mean.

[Really? You've never heard about Michael Jackson and the little kid stories?]

PJP2: Nope. Have you boys heard?

[He turns to the boys but they're frozen in fear. What's wrong with them?]

PJP2: The Pope's got no idea.

Paul: No, Michael. Don't touch my special place.

John: That's for food! THAT'S FOR FOOD!

PJP2: Oh. Now the Pope understands the Michael Jackson thing. Anyways, the Pope will take care of BOB, destroying all the sinners. Are my name is Pope John Paul Young.

[It's not.]

PJP2: Not what?

[Pope John Paul Young. John Paul Young is a singer.]

PJP2: Oh, right. How embarassing. Thanks for pulling the Pope up for that one.

[Welcome.]

Paul: Why does monkey tickle me, Michael?

John: But Mr. Jackson, I don't like being called Liza.

Paul: I don't like blowing Bubbles.

[Please tell me he's talking about a coat hanger and a jar of detergent.]

PJP2: The Pope hears ya there.

[What's the name of your stable then, PJ?]

PJP2: Ah, you'll find out in due time. On the next BOB telecast.

[Damn you and your dramatic tension PJ. Which one?]

PJP2: Your guess is as good as mine, narrator. The Pope has no idea but the Altar Boys will be there, and so will the Pope's secret weapon.

[I wouldn't go mentioning weapons as secrets these days. UN and Saddam and stuff.]

PJP2: Oh. Good point. Well, you'll see. Now fade, narrator.

[Fine. Pope drags off these two catatonic boys as we fade to black. Fading...]

-FTB-


[Back to Styles' basement.]

KF: Well, it sure has been fun reliving the Pope's glory days of BOB, huh Styles.

Styles: It has. We're gonna leave you with one more match, this one from the Sunday Morning Chloroform 3. Mark Shill tries to defend his title against The Pope. Enjoy. And God bless.

KF: Blessed be.

Mark Shill vs. Pope John Paul II from SMC 3

MS: Well fans, I must leave you for a moment. Because it is time FOR THE GREATEST TITLE DEFENSE IN THE HISTORY OF BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET. Mark Shill vs. Pope John Paul II!

Styles: See you in 30 seconds.

Scotty: I bet 20.

Masked Announcer: The following contest is for the Alliance Hero Title. Introducing first, without any music, no doubt signaling the squash police, here is Mark Shill.

[BOOOOOOOO!]

Scotty: Wow, crowd doesn't like him.

Styles: That wasn't the crowd. That was Detached Narrator. What's up with our crowd tonight. Doesn't anybody care?

Scotty: About BOB? Styles, I don't even care about BOB.

[Cut to BigBOSS.]

BigBOSS: Mental note: Cut Whatbody's salary.

[Back to ringside.]

Scotty: DAMN IT! Detached Narrator!

[MWAHAHAHAHA. I am King Heel. Nobody can touch me. Unless I write it to be so. Check out my amazing power.]

Ashanti: Whoa. Where am I?

[Hey baby. How's it going?]

Ashanti: Other than being here with you, no complaints.

[Oh come on girl. Once you get Detached, you never want to be back together again.]

Ashanti: What the hell does that mean?

[Less perplexed, more sex. *SLAP* Hey!]

Ashanti: Aww. I'm sorry.

[Some Barry White begins to play. Sexing up my new woman. Me likes the dark meat.]

Ashanti: Maybe I've been unfair. Anyway I can make it up to you?

[Well, "it" is already up. But maybe, *ahem*, you could make it go down?]

Styles: And the Pope is heading down the aisle, apparently figuring it was just another Eddie B track screw up. And we're ready to get this match underway.

[Ohhh, baby. Oh yeah. That's it honey. Right there.]

Styles: And the bell sounds. I guess the Detached Narrator will be of no help with us

Scotty: For the remainder of this 30-second squash match. But after that, he should have nothing else to do.

[Yeah baby. Take it, take it, take it!]

Shill: Pardon me guys, but would you like me to call the match, FROM the RING in the most INNOVATIVE IDEA EVER!

Scotty: Sure, knock yourself out.

Styles: OH MY GOD! It's THE COMMENTATOR! The Commentator is in the--

The Commentator: I'll take if from here, Styles. The Commentator is in the ring, and OH, I deck Mark Shill with a hard right to his chubby face. I stand and accept the cheers of my adoring crowd, victorious over the man who claims to be innovative when I was the first to call my own match! But uh oh, The Pope doesn't look happy that I'm interfering. Either that, or because I'm not Catholic.

PJP2: You're not?

[Oh......oh........ohhhhhhhhhhhh]

The Commentator: OH NO. The Pope is laying the smack down on me. Oh what a stiff punch to my jaw. He's whipping me like a government mule. I'm running like a pet coon, but oh no, Pope has caught me and slams me! I'm reeling. I can't move. But the Pope is bouncing off the ropes for the most religifying move in sports entertainment...The Papal's Elbow! And now that I'm out of the way, The Holy One covers Mark Shill. ONE! TWO! THREE!

MA: The winner of the match, and NEW Alliance Hero Champion, The Pope.

Pope John Paul 2

Pope John Paul 2
2002-2003
He blessed the airwaves of BOB at the age of 82!


©2005 BOB Wrestling. Holy dookie!

 

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