(Contains a big long match and some old segments from another federation.)
Graduation Day, Part One
The Descension was upon us.
And for the Shaggy Gang... oh, and Adam Nowell, too... time was running out. In just a couple of short hours, Hans Krueger, Mayor of Beaverton, will Descend into pure jobber, an act that Sarah "the Jobber Slayer" didn't necessarilly want.
Henceforth and forthwith, the Shaggy Gang, consisting of Sarah the Jobber Slayer, Kay Fabe, Xamfir, Jeannie, Michelle, Styles, and Little Good, along with Adam Nowell, were discussing their plans of attack for Hans Krueger.
"Okay, we're going to need a really big mallet." Sarah said.
"I suggest a flamethrower." Xamfir added.
"That won't work, he's inflammable." Jeannie said.
"Well, I wish I had a flamethrower."
And suddenly, Xamfir found himself holding a flamethrower. Xamfir smiled and pointed it at Nowell, who had to dive out of the way to avoid the flamethrower blast.
"Hey! Don't DO that!" Nowell shouted, as he slowly stood up, "I don't like doing random dives out of the way while you shoot fire at me, and you nearly set the coat on fire!"
With that, he checked to make sure that it wasn't on fire, which it was not.
"OH MY GOD!" Styles shouted out of the blue.
Kay Fabe entered the room at about this time. Everyone stopped talking to look at her.
"Finally, Kay Fabe... has... COME."
Nowell coughed nervously, "Why, exactly, do you say that? I mean, every time you enter the freaking room, you say it as if you haven't been in here before! I mean, Jesus, Kay, you've been in and out of this meeting three times already."
"Kay Fabe has gimmick issues."
"That's not the only issue you have. Care to sit around? I made a list." Nowell said, pulling out a small sheet of paper out of his coat using his right hand. As soon as Nowell removed his right ring finger from the paper, the paper unfolded itself all the way to the floor.
Kay Fabe left.
Nowell shrugged and tossed the list over his shoulder in frustration.
Sarah stood up and put her arms around Nowell, and though he was uncomfortable with this, since... you know, he doesn't like Sarah at all, he stuck with it.
"We need a plan against Krueger! We need to take action!" Sarah said, tightening her grip around Nowell. Finally, Nowell's discomfort was too great the bear, and he slipped out of Sarah's grip. Nowell cracked his knuckles and grinned.
"I have a plan."
"Really!? Tell! Tell!" Xamfir said.
"I go in. I meet Hans. I punch him in his fat, ugly face until either red stuff comes out or my hand hurts, whichever comes first." Nowell suggested, cracking his neck as he went. Sarah looked horrified at this idea.
"No! You'll get all hurty and stuff! I can't lose my beloved Angel! Not after everything we've been through!" Sarah complained, giving him the pouty face.
"Hey, you got a better plan, enlighten me." Nowell said, crossing his arms defiantly.
"Ooh! Ooh!" Little Good said, raising his hand frantically, "I've got a bloody plan! We could tie you up, then use you as the bloody bait for that Krueger bloke to come and give you a right thrashing."
"Well, it's nice to know that nothing new under the sun ever happens, in that Little Good's plans never fail to absolutely suck." he said.
"Let's attack the mayor with humus." Michelle suggested.
"Let's not." Nowell shot back.
Then, Kay Fabe returned.
"Finally... Kay Fabe has... COME."
We'll leave it at that.
LIVE from The Mall of America in Minneapolis, MN
August 25th, 2003
Scene cut to the Mall of America, where we see Joey Malone and Janitor Nine standing side by side on a platform right in the middle of Camp Snoopy. People stood around this podium, as the mall wasn't exactly cleared out for this, the mother of all parody events.
Mall Brawl: When Janitors Collide IV.
This event has set the standard for idiotic things. The Mega Job Invitational was a nothing compared to it. The Stupid Bowl was a speck of dust. Voran Xias's last match before this was but a memory. This was the single stupidest and most overbooked match in the history of stupid and overbooked matches.
Joey Malone knew this, but he was also half-asleep and wearing his pajamas, as if he had been kidnapped from his bed yet again.
Joey Malone: Two years! Two damn years in a row, you've kidnapped me from my bed!
Janitor Nine: C'mon, Joey! Can't you feel it? The anticipation that's buzzing in the air for tonight's event! This is what we've all been waiting for? :-)
Malone: Who's the 'we', here?
Nine: But folks, me and Joey aren't the only ones commentating for tonight's event! :-D
Malone: We're not? Why the hell did you need me, then?
Nine: Joining us from Younotdaho, Idaho, they represent BOB's commentary team... give it up for Mikey Styles, Scotty Whatbody, Nurse Heidi, and Mark Shill! :-)
Scene cut to Younotdaho, Idaho, where we see our old friend Mikey Styles, who is joining us for his third straight fWEo PPV, along with Nurse Heidi, Scotty Whatbody and Mark Shill. Don't worry guys, I'm not as mean as the BOB Detached Narrator.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Mark Shill: THIS IS THE GREATEST CROSSOVER PARODY EVENT IN THE HISTORY OF CROSSOVER PARODY EVENTS!
Scotty Whatbody: Oh yeah, this is gonna suck.
Nurse Heidi: Yes.
Scene cut back to Joey and Nine.
Malone: Um, BOB? What the hell's a BOB?
Nine: And joining us from Dildo, Newfoundland, from the IWO... it's Greg Parker, JT, and Nikki! :-)
Scene cut to Dildo. Somewhere in the background, a guy is whipping it good. But that's not the point, the point is that Parker, wearing his hat even though he's not JR, JT, wearing his pimp suit, and Nikki... not wearing much of anything, are sitting around watching the event on television.
Greg Parker: Well, folks, we've reached a new low. I can't believe we actually agreed to do this from freaking Dildo.
JT: I like that name, you know. Dildo. Hey, didn't our World title change hands via a dildo to the forehead?
GP: No wonder we're nothing more than an indy fed.
Scene cut back to the Mall.
Malone: I can't believe you actually went and brought those guys back. What is this... "This Is Your Life, Joey Malone?"
Nine: Heck, no! This is Mall Brawl: When Janitors Collide IV! And now, let's take it to the Spectrum where Sean Mooney and Larry Zbyszko are standing by! :-D
Scene cut to the Spectrum.
Zbyszko: All of you are nothing more than pawns in the human game of chess.
Scene cut back to the Mall.
Malone: Sean Mooney? Larry Zbyszko? I'm sorry, how big was the chisel you guys used to dig those fossils out from the ground?
Nine: Really big! :-)
Nine: Now then, let's take us to our special guest show announcer... RICHARD NIXON! :-)
Malone: Uh, Nine... Nixon's, like, dead and st--
Suddenly, Richard Nixon comes up from behind Malone and Nine.
Richard Nixon: Death won't have NIXON to kick around any more!
The BOB commentators scream in horror.
Shill: THAT'S HIS MOVE! DEATH, KILLED HIM!
Styles: OH MY GOD! That was EXTREMEly unnecessary.
Whatbody: Nixon was a Dick, don't worry.
Heidi: He did have a cute nose. What a shame.
Whatbody: Where did you want that nose, Heidi?
The IWO commentators butt in.
JT: HEY! That's always been MY act! I'm the one who makes the rude, lecherous comments that always, inevitably, lead me into getting smacked in the head by Nikki! How dare they steal the act that we've been pounding into the ground for the last six years!
Nikki: Um, maybe it was a good idea. I mean, I broke a nail in your nasal passages the last time we did that.
JT: That's not the point!
GP: Oh, for the love of God, shut up, JT.
Cut back to Death, who has taken Richard Nixon's place for the task of making the introductions of the match. His bony hands were clamped around the microphone, as he nervously looked around.
Death: Um... yeah... *tap tap tap* ...is this thing on?
Death: Okay. Anyway. What do you get when you cross a duck and a blender? Dinner at Anna Nicole Smith's house!
Crickets don't even bother chirping.
Death nervously adjusted his cloak.
Death: Right then. So, this is a match for a title with a big name. Why I was not informed of this match, I'll never know.
Death looked at Joey Malone and Janitor Nine with Death-like content.
Malone: Hey hey hey, don't look at me, bony guy. I got kidnapped.
Death: Right. W/E. Anyway, the first participant is, of course, one of the best jobbers with a puppy on the face of the planet. His abilities at pummeling other jobbers are rather outstanding as well. Like, this one time, he hit this guy, and he actually bounced. Most people I hit just kinda fall over... and stop moving... and... hell, here's Adam Nowell!
"Angel" by Darling Violetta began to play, and Adam Nowell walked out onto the stage. Nowell gave Death a look of contempt, while Death gave Nowell a look of "don't give me a look of contempt or I'll kill you". It was a happy medium.
Death: Now, next up. He's been in the last three of these, and has absolutely no chance in hell of ever winning it ever again, even if he's won the first two. Hell, I didn't even know any of this until I, like, read these little cue cards. Anyway, here's Janitor Seven!
"So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast began to play, and Janitor Seven stumbled onto the stage, looking tattered, brutalized, and beaten up, on account of being in the Lost Forest of No Return and only being here via a portal. He tried to grab the microphone from Death, but Death didn't like that shit and held a bony hand in front of Janitor Seven.
Death: Oh no, buck-o. Talk to the bony hand.
Seven: Well, hello, Mr. Hand!
Death: ...Stand over there, jerkwater.
Death: Next, he's a complicated man, and nobody understands him except his woman and his big, green, tractor... James Cagle!
"If Only I Had A Brain" began to play, bringing out the mighty James Cagle. Cagle did the Snoopy Dance all the way to the platform.
Death: Next, they're a couple of stoners, and one of them got laid by Oprah this one time, and hasn't been the same since! Introducing... PRETTY FLY!
"Pretty Fly (for a white guy)" by the Offspring began to play, and the scene cut to Nate and Steve-O as they both entered a golf cart and drove. They hit a ramp, a loop, and a jump before crash-landing into the platform, destroying the golf cart, but somehow not destroying themselves. They got out and nervously waved at everyone.
Death: Yeah. Touching. Really. Next, he's a guy who will no doubt be competing in his underwear, and how HE ended up in this event despite the fact that he's the only World champion among the participants tonight is beyond me. Here he is, folks... SCHITZO TOD!
"Date Rape" by Sublime started to play, and indeed, Schitzo Tod was wearing just underwear.
Too bad it was on his head.
Death: Oh, for the love of God, put some pants on. Please.
Malone: For once, I'm going to agree with the skeletal Justin Timberlake. Tod. Pants. Now.
Death: Up next, I'd like to bring out a guy who is luckier than Ted Kennedy that I haven't decided to take him away from his pathetic life just yet. The man who has taken more bumps than a truck driver and has seen more trees than Sonny Bono, please welcome, Kamikazie Ken.
If you know Ken at all, you know he has a thing for big entrance. This show will be no different, being Mall Brawl IV. The scene cuts to the glass roof portion of the mall, where Ken is not seen, oddly enough. At least not for a moment. The moon is though. Then, just like ET, except for the motorcyle part, Kamikazie Ken is seen.
Everyone runs for cover from the falling shards of glass.
And amazingly, despite having gashes all over his body, Ken lands perfectly in a pool of water. Sad thing for him, some prankster loaded that pool with piranha, who begin chomping at his feet. Ken runs away, with about four piranha on his legs, and then starts looking at the balcony to do some damage to them.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Whatbody: Well, the idiot's outdone himself, this time.
Death coughed nervously, shrugged, and continued.
Death: Well. Anyway. Next up is a guy so batty that Dracula sued him and his family. Last year, he was Mad Jesus... and this year, he wants to be known as Mad Moses. However, we're not going to give him that luxury, because he's MAD MAX!
As "Destro's Secret" by Dillinger Escape Plan started to play, the scene cut to the outside of the mall, where we see Mad Max... or rather, Mad Moses, standing outside, wielding a staff. He raises his arms up in the air, and a great rumbling was heard, before the Mall of America was suddenly split into two equal sides, directly in front of Mad Moses. From there, Mad Moses calmly walked to the platform. When he finally reached it, the two split pieces of the Mall suddenly merged together again and everything resumed as though nothing has happened.
Death: You don't see that every day. Unless you're Trey Vincent on one of his drunken parties where more people die of alcohol poisoning than Hitler's killed Jews.
Scene cut to Trey Vincent at a party.
Trey: You're the man, Death!
Scene cut back to the Mall of America.
Death: Next up is my main woman, the person whom, like myself, doesn't like to job. However, she's slain more jobbers in her day than that other Slayer ever would. Oh yeah, and she loves Angel!
Nowell went wide-eyed as "Temptation Waits" by Garbage started to play. He knew EXACTLY who it was, and he backed away in fear. However, it was too late as she immediately tackled Adam Nowell and incessantly kissed him.
It was Sarah "the Jobber Slayer".
Death: Geez. Get a room, you guys.
Malone: Huh? What? Huh?
Death: Next. He can't see me, but then again, he probably doesn't deserve to check out my boyishly good looks.
While "Heterosexual Man" by the Odds started to play, Death winked into a mirror. Lord knows how he did it since his face was that of a skeleton. I guess it didn't matter, since the very sight of the wink caused the mirror to shatter. Death merely shrugged at this, and pressed on.
Death: Anyway, he's WARU!
Waru stumbled into the room, tripped over a really good-looking woman, got slapped, stumbled over Snoopy, squished Woodstock, apologized to Benny the Snoopy-Loving Monk about squashing his hamster, tripped over the platform, and ended up landing right on top of Sarah's butt.
Waru: Um, sorry.
Sarah and Waru both got up and Sarah glared at Waru in that "I'm so going to kick you in the head" kind of way. Nowell glanced up from his position of laying about on the floor, and looked at Waru.
Nowell: Thank you, kind stranger. I promise I won't hurt you too bad when it comes down to it.
Death: Hey, people. You start fighting now, and I'm gonna start taking lives like a corrupted politician takes bribes. Ooh! That was a good one, I've GOT to write it down.
Death pulls out a pen and a notebook out of his cloak and scribbles down some words. When he was done, Death went back to his role.
Death: Next up... one's an insufferable idiot, and the other has to deal with him. They happened to have, at one time, won the Action! Dyad Championships... and they are... Lactose the Intolerant... Russa... THE LOD 2K3!
Lactose and Russa strolled out, waved at the crowd that had gathered around. The crowd, upon seeing the LoD2k3, sighed, and walked away, much to the collective chagrin of Russa and Lactose. They sulked and walked onto the platform to join the rest of the jobbers.
Zbyszko: These two? These two are supposed to be rooks in the human game of chess? I am deeply shamed.
Then, it played.
"Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear?" by the Carpenters.
Everyone looked up. They knew he was coming. The seven foot tall man in the big black shiny birdsuit was flying down to the platform, and everyone scattered to avoid the kawing, clucking, monstrosity that landed directly in the center of the platform. This lunatic, this freak of nature, was the only creature that could claim to be more hardcore than Ken War, more immoral than Spaceduck, and more feathery than Sphere.
He was the one.
No introductions necessary, because the Mysterious Birdman was more than happy to do it himself.
0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKE! THE PRODIGAL BIRD HAS RETURNED TO ONCE AGAIN RAPE YOUR MOTHERS AND SLEEP WITH YOUR UNDERAGED DAUGHTERS! YOU SEE, THE BIRDMAN, HE WAS WALKING DOWN TO THE BIRD SEED STORE ON ONE FINE SUNDAY MORNING, NOT BECAUSE HE WANTED BIRD SEED, BUT MAINLY SO HE COULD PROVE TO THE SEED MANAGER JUST HOW EXTREME THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN 0¿0 REALLY WAS. SO, I CHALLENGED HIM TO A HARDCORE EXPLODING BIRDSEED IN A BIRDCAGE MATCH. AND, OF COURSE, BEING A GEEZERLY OLD COWARD WITH A BIG CLUCKING YELLOW STREAK DOWN HIS BACK, HE DECLINED MY HARDCORE CHALLENGE. SO, NATURALLY, I, MYSTERIOUS J. BIRDMAN, SO GRACIOUSLY BEAT THE LIVING CRAPOLA OUT OF THE GEEZER, STUFFED HIM IN THE HARDCORE EXPLODING SEED BIRDCAGE, AND PROCEEDED TO GIVE HIM AN EDUCATION IN THE POWERS THAT ARE HARDCORE. NOW, NATURALLY, AFTER SOME SQUISHY GRAY STUFF CAME OUT OF WHAT USED TO BE HIS HEAD, AND AFTER I RIPPED OUT SOMETHING THEY CALLED A "SPLEEN", THE OLD CODGER STOPPED MOVING FOR SOME STRANGE REASON. THEN I HEARD THIS WAILING SOUND, AND THESE BLUE AND RED FLASHING LIGHTS STARTED TO APPROACH. I FIGURED THAT THIS MOTHERCLUCKERS WERE THE HEAT, SO I FLEW AWAY FROM THE SCENE OF MY TASTEFULLY HARDCORE CRIME, BEFORE I TOOK ONE HUMONGOUS CRAP ON THEIR UGLY CLUCKING WINDSHIELDS. I THOUGHT I WAS RID OF THE HEAT, BUT THEN THEY STARTED FLYING WITH THE WEIRD THING THAT LOOKED LIKE A DUCK IF IT HAD GINSU KNIFE ACTION. I DIDN'T LIKE IT, SO I FLEW ABOVE IT AND TOOK A CRAP ON ITS TAIL, AND FOR SOME REASON, IT DIDN'T LIKE IT, SINCE IT FLEW RIGHT INTO A BUILDING, EXPLODED, AND SET PEOPLE ON FIRE. THAT WAS A REALLY CLUCKING AWESOME DAY, LET ME MOTHERCLUCKING TELL YOU. OH YEAH, AND AFTER I DID THAT, THESE GUYS STARTED SHOOTING AT ME. NOW, NATURALLY, THE MYSTERIOUD J. BIRDMAN FROWNS UPON PEOPLE SHOOTING AT HIM, SO I NATURALLY WHIPPED OUT MY INDUSTRIAL-SIZED, ONE-OF-A-KIND, FLAMING, BARBED WIRE BIRD FEEDER AND PROCEEDED TO RIP OUT THEIR LUNGS AND USE THE BIRDFEEDER TO CLUCKING FEED THEIR LUNGS BACK TO THEM. THEY DIDN'T PARTICULARLY LIKE IT, BUT THE POINT IS NOT THAT THEY LIKED IT, BUT THE FACT THAT I DID. AND WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE I'M THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN. AND I CLUCK AT YOUR VERY EXISTENCE WHILE THRUSTING MY MIGHTY BIRD MANHOOD IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTIONS. I AM THE MOST HEELISHLY HEELISH HEEL SINCE THE FIRST HEEL DESCENDED UPON THE LANDS, AND TOLD THE LANDS TO GO CLUCK THEMSELVES! MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!!!!
The Birdman, thank god, stopped talking.
There was an awkward pause, before Death stepped up again.
Death: Um, Kevin Greene, everyone!
"Who Let The Dogs Out" by the Baha Men started playing, and Kevin Greene... the reigning Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion came out on a leash, held by Mongo, who was in a referee's shirt. Mongo and Greene stopped short, because Kevin Greene really needed to pee badly. So, Mongo led Greene to a nearby tree and whistled innocently until Greene was done doing his business. From there, Mongo led Greene onto the stage, and released him from his leash.
Everyone was there.
But before everyone could kill everyone else, Death continued.
Death: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, people I'm probably going to kill some time today... WELCOME! WELCOME TO MALL BRAWL: WHEN JANITORS COLLIDE IV! Here are the rules! We will, at the beginning the match, assign each wrestler, jobber, and hackjob to a different store in the mall. When you hear the PA announcement that signifies the beginning of the match, you all go out and try to find each other, and hopefully pound each other into paste. We've assigned three referees, they are Mongo, Captain Crunch, and the ever-lovely Kay Fabe. The first person eliminated in this tournament will be deemed the holder of the Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion, and the last man... or woman... standing will be the North Dakotan Janitorweight Champion. And that's it. Guys, I've got a comedy club to hit, so I'll talk to... or maybe kill some of you... later!
Death leaves, and Nine starts passing out notes. Joey Malone sees this as a golden opportunity to try and make a break for it, but he suddenly trips and falls... his ankle is chained to the announcing table.
Nine: Silly Joey. Escaping is for kids! :-D
Malone: I *so* want to kill you right now. I mean it.
We'll be back with these guys in a moment.
Graduation Day, Part Two
Meanwhile, on the OTHER side of the WCW Special Forces, two people stood around, separated from the rest of the pack. The reason why they were separated was, of course, the fact that they had picked the dirtiest part of the Bingo Hall to be in.
They were, of course, Hans Krueger and Eliza "the Jobber Slayer".
"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" went Eliza.
"Evil evil evil." went Hans.
Then David Crockett showed up with a note, which he pointed at.
"LOOK AT THAT!" went Crockett.
Krueger did look at it.
The note said the following.
I think you suck and therefore, I want to smash my fist into your face multiple times tonight. See me in the ring.
- No@!$#*($(*^!(*#^ ANGEL
Yes, folks, it appears that the note had been doctored and someone had scratched out Adam Nowell's real last name with the name everyone calls him. Krueger crumbled up the note in his fist, because even though the Descension was TONIGHT, he wasn't happy with this.
"I am NOT happy with zis."
See, told you.
"I shall take ze FOOLISH unt INFERIOR Angel's challenge." Krueger said, tossing the wadded up piece of paper over his shoulder, whereupon it hit Eliza's face.
"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Eliza screamed in response.
Mall Brawl Chapter I
Let The Horror Begin
Mikey Styles: HELLO EVERYONE, and WELCOME, to the horror portion of the match. Because the Brawlers On a Budget team is here. Oh my GOD!
Nurse Heidi: And a note to everybody watching.
Scotty Whatbody: *Cough*reading*Cough*
Heidi: We have no idea how this mall looks in reality, for, tonight, we are in a parallel dimension of hell, or something.
Mark Shill: IT'S GOING TO BE THE GREATEST MALL BRAWL IV IN THE HISTORY OF MALL BRAWL IV!
Scotty: The hype machine has started early.
Styles: Everybody is in a part of the mall. Everyone has been put into a random store somewhere in this four story building.
Scotty: And the glass roof has been shattered, thanks to Kamikazie Ken. It's a damn good thing this is summer, or else…wait, it's a BAD THING this is summer, we could have SUED this place to supplement are measly incomes.
Styles: You do realize, the wrestlers weren't allowed in here, don't you?
Scotty: Oh, is that why everybody climbed in that broken window?
Styles: When was that?
Scotty: Hmm. They must have edited that out. Oh well, whatever, never mind.
Heidi: To review for everyone who actually wants to keep score.
Scotty: All six of you.
Heidi: Here's where everybody is.
Scotty: Adam Nowell is in…love with Sarah.
Nowell (from very far away): "YOU! YOUR MOUTH IS OPEN! FIX THAT, OR I'LL FIX IT FOR YOU!
Heidi: ANYWAY. Adam Nowell is in the Slayer's Fashionable, Yet Affordable Clothing Store! on the third floor.
Nowell (from very far away): Ohhhhhhhh.
Shill: It's the GREATEST SLAYER STORE, IN THE MALL!
Heidi: Waru is in Hooters, of all places. That's on the first floor.
Scotty: But he'll never know it. His loss. Our gain, hopefully.
Waru: Is that the faint, sweet smell of chicken fingers? Yummy.
Heidi: It appears that Russa is in the Disney Store on the second floor. You think somebody was trying to say that he belongs in a store full of cartoon characters?
Heidi: Did I get those two confused? Russa is the straight-man?
Styles, Shill and Scotty: Yes.
Heidi: Oops. My bad.
Heidi: Look at this. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is in the Rubber Stakes Plus store on the first floor.
Sarah: I sure hope Angel doesn't Job-Out tonight. I wonder if there's a pet store around here, just in case he loses his puppy.
Random voice of no importance: RUAHH~!
Shill: It's the MOST AMAZING BOOKING IN MALL BRAWL IV HISTORY!
Heidi: Kamikazie Ken was supposed to be in Perfumania, but, as you people should guess, he's now up on the solid part of the roof, just waiting for something to happen so he can jump down and hurt somebody, most likely himself, and Styles can yell OH MY GOD THAT WAS EXTREME.
Styles: Hey! Get your own material. I'm a two catchphrase commentator.
Heidi: James Cagle is in the Foot Locker on the third floor. He's big, he's dumb and he's a redneck. Let's see how he does without a script.
Styles: Right, then. Moving on. Hey, did anybody notice that the pool of water is gone and now there is a big red X on the floor?
Shill: It's THE BIGGEST X EVER DRAWN ON A FLOOR IN BLOOD!
Styles: That's BLOOD? OH MY GOD!
Shill: I JUST READ WHATEVER MR. LEARY TYPES.
Styles: Who? Anyway, hey! Where are Steve-O and Nate?
Heidi: The fire alarm just went off. Oh no. They must be getting high in the bathroom. Now look what happened. Everyone just came out of their stores.
PA Announcer: GET BACK IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING STORES YOU MOTHERFUCKERS BEFORE I KILL YOU AND RAPE YOUR CORPSE!
Styles: Who said that? The sprinklers just went off.
Heidi: Stop looking at my chest, Scotty. We're not in the mall, you know.
Scotty: I love wet T-shirts. If you let me wet yours, I'll dry it off for you with my tongue. I've never seen anyone as wet as you are right now, Heidi, sprinklers or no sprinklers. You want me.
Shill: This is the darkest day in the history of the fWEo, IWO, Action, fWo, the Asylum, the NFL, the Great Beyond or BOB for that matter.
Styles: Let's finish this, please. Well, I guess that Pretty Fly are busy in a first floor bathroom getting stoned at the moment.
Scotty: Where is that bathroom?
Styles: I think you're a bit too far away to join them, Scotty.
Scotty: In spirit, I could. Hehe.
Styles: It appears Lactose the Intolerant is in Krispy Kreme on the second floor.
Lactose: What the hell? Who wrote this. I refuse to say that my stool looks like Russa. Are you trying to start a team break up? That's it, I'm retiring, right after this match.
He throws a doughnut at the BOB announce team, but misses by about 500 miles or so.
Styles: Oh no. The Mysterious Birdman is in Sears. On the third level!
0¿0: CAW! ALL FEAR THE BIRDMAN WHO LAID EGGS IN YOUR MOTHER WHILE YOUR FOOTBALL, HOCKEY, BASEBALL AND BASKETBALL TEAMS ALL FAILED LIKE CLUCKING FAILURES. I TURDED ON YOUR RUSTY DRIVING MACHINE. MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!!!!
Scotty: I really like this guy.
Styles: Yes, somebody is indeed on the fourth level, the one below the roof. And that person is. Schitzo Tod. He's sitting in a theater and, watching a movie?
Scotty: Terminator 3? Hell, let's stay in the theater if we want some REAL entertainment.
Heidi: If only we could. But which one is he? Who are all those other people in there? I thought the mall was closed.
Styles: OK then. We'll leave that hanging until a later time. Kevin Greene is on the first floor at a nightclub in the mall, called Knuckleheads. Comedy club. OHHHH NOOOO!
Death: So, Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about how they died. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy says he died of a heart attack.
Death: "How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
Death: "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife and another man. But when I went inside, I searched and searched for her, but couldn't find anybody. I was stricken with such remorse for accusing my wife of infidelity that I had a heart attack on the spot."
Death: "Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd've opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
Styles: It appears Mad Max, er, Mad Moses is in Barnes & Noble on the second floor. Let's see what he's up to.
Heidi: Looks like he's looking for some material in the Bible.
Scotty: No, he's WRITING the Bible.
Styles: The Mad Bible. Shouldn't somebody be writing his story?
Scotty: Somebody is at the moment.
Moses: My mother put me into the river and let me go. Just because I'm Jewish doesn't mean I'm inhuman!
Scotty: He sure is mad.
Styles: Now the question, everyone is asking, is where is Janitor Seven?
Heidi: The third floor at Burger King. Behind the counter.
Janitor Seven: Oh no, this won't do. I need a much better hiding spot.
Scotty: Yep, believe it or not, Seven is the most experienced person in Mall Brawl, having been in all, count them, ALL of them. And you know what? He still sucks. HAHA.
Heidi: I'm just glad the sprinklers shut off. I sure hope the fire department doesn't end up at the mall.
Styles: The event would be ruined.
PA: ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, LISTEN UP. START KILLING EACH OTHER SO I CAN RAPE YOUR CORPSES.
Sarah: So, Angel is on the third floor. Where are the elevators.
Styles: Looks like Sarah is looking to get to Angel. She's out of the Rubber Stakes Plus store. Oh look, Steve-O and Nate are heading for the elevators though.
Steve-O: I can't wait to go to the Rave upstairs.
Styles: Rave? They don't mean the store, do they? They DO realize The Rave is a store, don't they?
Nate: DUDE! Look! It's that Sarah chick. Too bad she can't, um. What's the line supposed to be?
Steve-O: I dunno. Ah. The elevator doors of perception are open wide. Don't forget to jump right before the elevator stops. It's wicked!
Sarah: You two are going to play a game of dodgefist later.
Styles: Oh man, Pretty Fly is pretty furiously pounding on the door close button.
Scotty: What's happening in the comedy club?
Death: So, Kevin Greene walks into the bar the other day, and I said to him, didn't I kill you?
Styles: OH MY GOD! Death just vanished and reappeared behind Kevin Greene.
Shill: THAT'S HIS MOVE!
Styles: Touch Of Death by Death and Greene's body is dead!
Scotty: Kevin Greene is with his brain in Heaven now.
Heidi: Greene is down, but not eliminated until somebody in the match pins him.
Styles: The question is, who heard the thud.
0¿0: CAW! I AM THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN AND I KILL YOUR IDOLS. AS SOON AS I FIND MY WAY OUT OF THIS CLUCKING PLACE, I'LL PIN THAT CLUCKER.
Styles: In Hooters, Waru just tripped over a napkin that blew across the floor.
Waru: If there was a person in front of me, I would have kicked him Matrix-style. That would have been awesome.
Scotty: Looks like up on the third floor, Adam Nowell has made it out of the Slayer shop and is trying to peer down and see where in the hell his love, Sarah is.
Heidi: Russa easily got out of the Disney store, since there were no annoying sales people asking him if he needed help. It looks as though Lactose is loading up on doughnuts. He's got a couple of boxes of doughnuts filled. I wonder where this could lead.
Moses: Let my people goooooo! Oh look, a fake plant. Let me see if I have my lighter. There we go.
The Burning Bush: Mad Moses, my son, there is a dead body in the comedy clubeth. Beware, for Death lurks nigh. And when thou art done there, go up to the roof and receive your Lord thy God's 10 Amendments.
Mad Moses: Whatever. I didn't make you to improvise.
The Burning Bush: Now, would thou be a dear and extinguish me?
Mad Moses: Yea.
The Burning Bush: Get a fire extinguisher, don't thou darest pee on Me.
Styles: Mad Moses just turned around at the sound of the elevator opening.
The Burning Bush: Hey! HEY! Thou shalt not forget to extinguish Me.
Styles: Moses just put out the flames. And now he turns around and sprays the two idiots!
Scotty: Sarah is still waiting for the elevator, and it looks as though Mad Moses is about to come face to face with Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."
Heidi: Where is Janitor Seven?
Shill: He's hiding in an oven! And Ken is still ON THE ROOF, LICKING HIS LIPS!
Styles: Nowell just headed down the escalator. The elevator doors open. Sarah kicks the crap out of Moses and tosses him halfway across the floor. Sarah goes in the elevator. NOWELL WINS! NOWELL WINS! But it's gonna be tough to keep Sarah far away from him for this entire event.
Scotty: INDEED IT IS, Styles, INDEED IT IS.
0¿0: SEARS IS A MOTHERCLUCKING MAZE OF OVERPRICE GARBAGE. CAW! I RIP DOWN THIS CRAPPY MERCHANDISE! CAW! AND I TAKE A HANGER TO USE AS A WEAPON. CAW!
Captain Crunch: Well, gee, you think we should follow the action, or something?
Kay Fabe: That would be absolutely perfect, for you fellows to do. I've been asked to help Sarah get Angel.
Mongo: RIGGED, BAYBAAAY, YEAH! BEARS, BABY, YEAH!
Kay Fabe: Don't you swing your hat at me, Mr. Crunch. You're just mad you're not Miss Perfect.
Heidi: Um, why are we watching the referees?
Styles: And meanwhile, Schitzo Tod is watching stuff get blown up in the movie theater. Interesting strategy.
Scotty: It's boring if you asked me. He's just like Janitor Seven. He's hiding in an oven for God's sakes.
Styles: Well, I certainly hope Mad Moses' mother doesn't show up. But everyone in the mall are holes in the human game of cheese. HAHA, got you back Zbyszko, you imbecile. Steal MY lines on pay-per-views, will you?
Heidi: We've got trouble on the second floor!
Shill: LOOK AT THIS! Pretty Fly are getting assaulted with DOUGHNUTS! Heaven's to Betsy. JELLY! LEMON! BOSTON CRÈME! NO DOUGHNUT IS SAFE! OH THE DOUGHNUTITY!
Scotty: I know you're mad that YOU can't eat them, Schiavone, but please, turn your volume down.
Shill: There's only ONE VOLUME. THAT'S SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT VOLUME! Fans, stick with us.
Scotty: Yeah, just pretend you've been pelted with sticky doughnuts, you'll really stick, then.
Nowell: I KNEW I should've headed down another floor. No time like the present.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Sarah just DOVE down an entire level onto lxLet It Bleedxl: I'm gonna fux0rz you like a dog.
Do you care what she fell onto anymore? Neither did I. OK then.
Scotty: How do you learn to fall?
Heidi: Please, don't put ANY heart into that line.
She sold the bump, as Angel looked back, wishing he had a medieval hammer or sword he could throw at her, but instead, he ran toward a group of four men, two of whom were covered in white from being sprayed with a fire extinguisher, and all sorts of other colors from being pelted with donuts.
All four men were kicked so hard, they went down a level. Yep, to the first floor.
Nowell: That Sanity Slayer. I'll show her.
Scotty: Nowell's in the elevator.
Styles: That bastard! He let the elevator doors close as Sarah was dragging her broken body toward him.
Mad Moses: Hey Mongo!
Mongo: YEAH, BABAYYY?
Moses: There is an '86 Bears reunion in Knuckleheads comedy club. They're all asking for you.
Mongo: MONGO BAAYYYBAAYYY. BEARS, BABAAYYY, YEAH!
Styles: Look at Ken up on the roof. All those bodies are just a hair away from the big red X on the floor.
Shill: Hold the phone! James Cagle just came out of Foot Locker with a huge cart full of sneakers.
Cagle: These would be some good old hurting things, but hot foot things hurt more, y'all. Learn that kiddies, there.
Heidi: I think he's going to Burger King. You don't think he's going to try to put those sneakers into the oven, do you?
Scotty: I hope he preheats!
Shill: It's getting HOT tonight, fans!
Shill: You don't get cooked human, ANYWHERE, but the fWEo! And MALL BRAWL IV!!
Heidi: BOB did it first.
Shill: This place pays me, WAY more. What is BOB, again?
Styles: Uh oh. Cagle just spotted the Mysterious Birdman, who is wielding a deadly plastic hanger.
Cagle: Hey look, it's a frozen chicken with feathers on it.
0¿0: CAW! I'M NOT A CHICKEN, I'M THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN, AND I GYRATE MY GROIN IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION. LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN SHOES. CAW! I AM THE MYSTERIOUS BIRDMAN AND DON'T NEED TO WEAR SHOES, OR SNEAKERS. NOT THAT I HAVEN'T TRIED ONCE OR TWICE, BUT BOTH TIMES I DID, I WENT BACK TO THE PERSON I BOUGHT THEM FROM, I PECKED OUT THEIR EYES AND STUCK MY BEAK UP THEIR ASSES. SURE, IT WAS STINKY, BUT I AM EVIL, AND EVIL HEELS TO EVIL THINGS. MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE.
Mongo: Where the BEARS, BAYBAY.
Moses: They must have left. Oh well, here's a dead Steeler. Can I pin him?
Mongo: Sure THING, BAYBAYY. BAYYBAYY. BAYYBAYY BAYBAY. BABAYY BAYBAY BAAAABBBBAAAAYYYY.
Moses: I should have thee smited.
Shill: Wait a MINUTE, HOLD THE PHONE, fans. Fellows, do you KNOW what this means? Kevin Green RETAINS THE Wominternopean Jobberweight Championshipship OF THE WORLD! You won't get RETAINS like this in that OTHER fed. STICK WITH US! WE PUT BUTTS IN THE SEATS!
PA Announcer: KEVIN GREENE IS DEAD. IT'S TIME TO DRINK SOME BEER, SMOKE SOME WEED AND RAPE SOME CORPSE!
Scotty: Does anyone think the guy on the PA sounds just a bit familiar?
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Shill: THIS IS THE GREATEST MALL BRAWL: WHEN JANITORS COLLIDE IV IN THE HISTORY OF MALL BRAWL: WHEN JANITORS COLLIDE IV'S!
Nowell: Where the hell can I hide to stay away from Sarah. Wait. There is a Rubber Stake Plus store downstairs. Must find stakes, stab Sanity Slayer through heart, laugh.
Shill: LOOK! IT'S MAD MOSES!
A Different Burning Bush: Hey, pssst! Mad Moses! Over here.
Mad Moses: What does thou want?
A Different Burning Bush: Before thou can head up to the roof and receive your Lord thy God's Ten Amendments, your Lord they God wants thou to know something. Schitzo Tod is in the movie theater on the fourth level. And he wants to make slavery cool again.
Mad Moses: Can you at least give me some stone tablets to hit him in the head with, Lord?
A Different Burning Bush: Fine.
Two stone tablets fall from Heaven all the way through the mall roof without being even cracked, and landing beside Mad Moses. Is it a miracle? You decide.
Mad Moses: Thanks, pal.
A Different Burning Bush: Thou art welcome.
Scotty: And the mystical burning tree has burned itself out. Out of material, that is.
Shill: It's the most AMAZING burning BUSH, I'VE ever SEEN!
Scotty: Hey, Heidi?
Heidi: Don't even go for the ultra-obvious bush joke.
Styles: OH MY GOD! When we cut away suddenly from that Cagle/Birdman bit, something happened! Sadly, we don't have it on replay. All I know is that Cagle is in Burger King! And he's heading for the oven Janitor Seven is hiding in!
Shill: WHAT, WILL, HAPPEN? You only get people hiding in ovens, ON, MALL BRAWL IV! Drama? Those OTHER guys just don't have it!
Heidi: Hey, look what's happening on the third floor!
Scotty: Kay Fabe is face to face with Nowell.
Nowell: You know, I liked you a lot better when you were pretending to be the Domino. Actually, no I didn't. The only times I liked seeing you were when you were…well, again, I have to say never.
Kay: Hey, buster, I'm still a witch and a lesbian. And I can rip your flesh off with a snap of my fingers.
Nowell: Right, right. And I'm sure your hair is naturally red.
Kay: Hey, you big meanie. That's not nice. I think I'll eviscerate you.
Nowell: You're going to turn me into a big black jobber?
Nowell: Damn. Must stop giving the witch ideas. OK, how about this. *SUCKERPUNCH TO KAY'S JAW, BITCH!* I'm a laugh a minute.
Scotty: Hahahahaha! Nowell is running away. Where he's going, I just don't know.
Styles: OH MY GOD! We've got BIG happenings in Hooters.
Heidi: OH MY GOD!
Styles: HEY! That's my line!
Heidi: Waru was just thrown through the glass window of Hooters. The one with the owl eyes on it.
Scotty: And Waru is now trying to hide under the glass. Uh oh. Adam Nowell is heading straight for Waru. He picks him up and punches.
Heidi: Waru just hit the back of the Mysterious Birdman, who was just getting up from some sort of assault at the hands of James Cagle.
Shill: You need a SCORECARD to keep up with THIS ACTION! LOOK! It's the SECOND FLOOR!
Styles: Sarah is at the elevator. Uh oh!
Mad Moses: Aww, holy hell.
Styles: Sarah is in the elevator with Mad Moses!
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, ding!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Mad Moses just fell face first onto the floor! How EXTREME!
Sarah: Ooooh! The Slayer Shop! Yay me.
Nowell: Why does it feel like an evil presence just entered the floor.
Nowell turns around.
Heidi: Cut to Hooters! Cut to Hooters!
The camera cuts away from the mall and onto Heidi's breasts.
Heidi: No, the restaurant! In the mall!
The camera obliges.
Styles: OH MY GOD! It's Tony The Tiger!
Tony The Tiger: Throwing that masked idiot through the glass, was, GRRRREAT!
Styles: OH MY GOD! A frog!
Dig 'Em Frog: It's time to do some sugar smacking. Where's Captain Crunch. *ribbbit*
Fred Flintstone: BARNEY!
Barney Rubble: Hehehehehehe!
Bam Bam: BAM, BAM, BAMBAMBAM.
Heidi: It looks like there's an earthquake in the Mall of America.
Scotty: Look, everyone is shaking, to make it look like that cartoon character is really strong. Good sellers!
Trix Rabbit: Can we hurry this beat up Captain Crunch thing so I can go sell my body to some horny ladies.
L.C. Leprechaun: Silly Rabbit, tricks are for hookers, doncha know. Want to try me lucky charms?
Scotty: Am I hallucinating? Why are there a bunch of cartoons in the mall? And isn't it expensive to draw them in?
Styles: OH MY GOD! Where is that feces flying from?
Donkey Kong: GRRRROAAR.
Woody Woodpecker flies into the mall.
Woody: HA-HA-HA-HAHA. HA-HA-HA-HAHA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Shill: It's the Honey Nut BEE! Only in the fWEo will you see talking BEES!
Honey Nut Bee: Somebody is getting stung tonight.
Heidi: *GASP* I thought that bee was a sweet little thing!
Bugs Bunny: Eh….what's up doc?
Shill: BUGS BUNNY, IS, HERE!
Styles: Wait a minute! All these characters were on cereal boxes at one point!
Scotty: Look! A green cock!
Cornelius the Rooster: Ereeereeeeeeewwwww.
Heidi: Where will this overbooking end? *Sigh* Here comes the Rice Krispies midgets.
Snap: We're gonna snap!
Pop: And Pop.
All the midgets: Captain Crunch.
Count Chocula: Blah! Blah! I want to suck his dick!
Boo Berry: Hey! I'm the one who is supposed to scare people, you gay vampire, you.
Yummy Mummy: Arrrrrrgh. Eat me…..arrrrrrgh.
Shill: Who is behind this black evil satanic plot?!
Two big white blobs walk out.
Shill: It's the Soggies!
Shill: The SOGGIES! They've wanted to destroy Captain Crunch for years. Their black evil plot apparently is going to happen, here tonight! Now fans, I don't usually say this, but tonight's show, without a shadow of a doubt, with God as my witness and may He strike me dead if I'm lying, this is, the single most, greatest, Mall Brawl IV: When Janitors Collide OF ALL TIME!!!
Sidney Soggy: Your mission? Find Crunch and hurt him.
Sylvester Soggy: What he said. Now move, move, move!
Bugs Bunny: I tat I taw a crunchy one! Found him. He's down there.
Sidney: Down where?
Scotty: Oh no. He fell for it?
Bugs Bunny: Down, HERE!
Styles: I never want to see Bugs Bunny do a crotch chop again.
Scotty: What the? Bugs Bunny is unzipping his costume. It's SCOTT HALL! Not to be confused with Razor Ramon, who's back at the Spectrum in Philadelphia, of course.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Hall is down and, hurt!
Sidney: OK, let's go kick Crunch's ass.
Heidi: Look at this! Nowell and Birdman are just staring at the cartoon stable in disbelief. They've seen some very stupid things in their careers. Well, this is another one.
Fred: Heya, Soggies, shouldn't we replace Bugs Bunny?
Shill: It's KEN WAR!!!!
Ken War: ey m nawt a kahr2n karaktorr.
Tony The Tiger: Ken War is our new member? That, GRRRREAT!
Ken War: grayt!
Honey Nut Bee: I see the cheap blue hatted white haired crappy cereal eating bastard!
Scotty: Um, what about the Mall Brawl? Do they need a rest already?
Heidi: This IS a rather long part one. They've still got five more parts to go. Wait...five? Whatever. And besides, cartoon characters never get tired.
Scotty: So why are people who are just made up of Poser pictures and wor--
Styles: OK, we had to cut off Scotty's microphone there. Let's see where this cartoon thing is going.
Captain Crunch: Man, my ass is itchy. I think I've got some crunchy dingleberries back there. And why are my eyebrows on my hat?
Captain Crunch: Uh oh. That sounded like a cock ejaculating a war cry! I better run. Damn these stubby legs! Ahhh!
Sidney: Well, well, well, if it isn't Captain Won't-pay-his-union-dues.
Captain Crunch: Soggies? What's up, doggs?
That is when the rest of the union suddenly appeared from behind him and spread out in a line.
Captain Crunch: Hey, fellas.
Ken War: tat beg redd ex is hardkorr!
To save a little time, Captain Crunch ran, everybody followed. Ken War was mystified by the big red X and had the odd urge to stand in the middle of it.
Ken War: ey nead a shuvol too ghet berryed trezyur!
Captain Crunch found the roof. Waru adjusted his mask. Steve-O and Nate smoked some reefer. Russa played yo-yo, trying to hit Lactose the Intolerant in the groin. Moses talked to a burning bush about getting the adultery thing out of the Commandments. Sarah looked over bananas and leather pants. Nowell practiced his scowl. James Cagle tried to remember how to open an oven. Birdman repressed his rage until it would come out in a long rant in a few minutes. Janitor Seven slept. Schitzo Tod watched stuff blow up in the movie. And Kamikazie Ken stared down at Ken War.
That's when things got funky.
Shill: Captain Crunch IS ON, THE ROOF.
Scotty: With Kamikazie Ken! This ought to be disastrously funny.
Styles: Captain Crunch is slowly backing up. Oh no! He's heading towards an unsuspecting Ken! And here comes the Cereal Box Union Local 1977!
Scotty: Of all the people, I would have figured Barney wouldn't pay his union dues. But Captain Crunch? Man. Where have our idols gone.
Heidi: Captain Crunch has his hat off! Uh oh! It just grazed the back of Ken's leg! OH NO!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Kamikazie Ken: PRAISE ALLAH!
Ken War: hardkorrrr!!!!~!
That's when Ken War saw Boo Berry and ran for his life toward the exit.
And got hit with the firetruck and was splattered all over the parking lot.
Scotty: Oh no! Waru just tripped over Kamikazie Ken!
Waru: Uh oh. Are you OK, buddy?
Mongo: He's dead baybay! BAYBAYY. BAYYBAYYBAYYBAYYY. BAYYBAYBAYYBAYYBAYBAYY!
Shill: Kamikazie Ken, is ELIMINATED!
PA Announcer: BRING ME HIS MOTHERFUCKING CORPSE! KAMIKAZIE IS UNCONSCIOUS. ONLY ONE STAB AND HE'LL BE ALL MINE!
Styles: What about the cartoon characters on the roof! Will the wrestlers start brawling again? How will Terminator 3 turn out? Will Sarah get her beloved Angel.
Nowell: I sure won't be helping her get me.
Styles: Will Mongo learn that he has to pound the floor and not yell BAYBAY to get the win? Will Kay Fabe give anybody the Lesbian's Tongue? Will James Cagle open the oven? Will Janitor Seven wake up? Will Waru be involved in the match now? Who will scoop up Ken War? And what about the rest of them? Only one way to find out. Stay extremely tuned in. For Scotty Whatbody, Mark Shill and Nurse Heidi, this is Mikey Styles saying, oh my god!
Graduation Day, Part Three
Not that anybody cared, but Nowell's been wanting to get back at Krueger for that time that Krueger kicked his ass at Fight Hell II after he and Krueger lost the Asylum Team Titles.
But like we said, nobody cared. Nowell was now the trenchcoat-wearing Angel, while Krueger was... messed up like a box of crackers in a washing machine.
Of course, the smile faded when Sarah the Jobber Slayer bounced into the room.
"Hi, Angel!" she said excitedly.
"Weeelllll, I was just in the neighborhood, but I came to tell you that I'm leaving after this battle. Now now, don't cry, Angel. I just have to tell you this because there was some sort of decision rendered a while ago and it's taken this long to finally see it through." Sarah said.
Nowell didn't say a word for a few moments.
Then he spoke, "Is that so?"
Nowell paused, before he turned to Sarah, "Sarah, could you give me a moment alone? I have to deal with this."
"Sure, sweetie! Love ya, byebye." Sarah said, before she left the room.
After a few moments, Nowell leapt up in the air, pumped his fists in the air, and made "YAHOO!" noises.
He was finally free of Sarah "the Jobber Slayer".
He was so excited that he hit his head against a bookshelf.
Mall Brawl Chapter II
Pinhead Will Kill Us All
(And with that, the IWO commentary team approaches the commentators table solemnly, except for JT, who is currently gorging himself with a bucket of KFC from the food court.)
Nikki: Aren't we, like, seriously risking our lives by being here? I don't even know why we're here. Wasn't IWO bought out by Martha Stewart?
JT: Don't remind me. Until she bought out the IWO for two packs of Double Mint gum, I thought she was merely a bitch with a lot of tips on how to get rid of semen stains on your favorite picnic blanket. But then there I was, caught with my pants down LITERALLY while I was masturbating to Japanese anime. I thought she was a joke. But the joke ended when, as I was about to reach orgasm, stormtroopers weilding AK-47's and wearing long black jackboots with a touch of festive Spring green and a hint of hickory cinnamon aroma charged into the bathroom, shooting to kill. I knew from then on the horrors of Furher Stewart. I should have known that a women that knows eight ways to drain noodles must know at least ten ways to kill a man with her bare hands.
Nikki: Damn. That actually makes me glad I left the IWO after it went bankrupt to become an accomplished prostitute.
GP: Well, I just thank god that I'm in an indoor facility, and that I no longer need to lay in my own urine behind the 7-11, commentating the people that walk by and spit on me. But now, three rehab stints and a failed rap career later, I'm back in the IWO!
(Greg stands from his seat and begins triumphantly gyrating his pelvis, as his failed rap single, "Oh My, Motherfucker" feat. Jim Ross plays in the background.)
JT: ... um, for once in my career, I will be bringing us back on track to the match at hand, just because I don't want Nikki getting all horny over the impossible-to-resist white thirtysomething gangster jam.
JT: Damn. I almost forgot what that felt like.
Nikki: Let's just commentate the match already and get the hell out of here.
(Cuts to the Rainforest Cafe. If you've ever been to the Rainforest Cafe in any of their various locations across America, you would know it's filled with annoying robotic gorillas and tigers that constantly growl and make constipated noises as you eat meat patties that are made out of aborted babies. Anyway, with this kind of atmosphere, you'd think there'd be a few confused stoners frequenting the area, and sure enough, there's Steve-O and Nate, stoned out of their mind, looking for more narcotics.)
Steve-O: Why the fuck are we at a restaurant? Shouldn't we be further defying our DARE graduation oath by rolling up everything from crab grass to small children and smoking it profusely?
Nate: Don't you know that there is a Colombia in the rainforest? No shittin', I saw that shit on the Discovery Channel one time. And Colombia sells doobies to George Bush in exchange for pussy and beer. So there's got to be weed in here somewhere...
(As they stumble around the restauerant, they see a whole bunch of gorillas, parrots, members of PETA and other inhabitants of the rainforest. But in the middle of it all, 0¿0 is seen making love to a robotic parrot with reckless passion.)
0¿0: KAW! YOU LIKE THAT, MOTHERKLUCKER? ONLY YOU AND DOLLY PARTON HAVE HAD THE PLEASURE OF PARTAKING IN MY MIGHTY MANHOOD DEEP WITHIN THEIR LOINS! I ALSO FUCKED THAT CAMILLA SLUT, GONZO'S PIECE OF ASS IN ALL OF THE MUPPET MOVIES. ALTHOUGH HER PLEASURE WASN'T NEARLY AS THRUSTIFUL, AND SHE ONLY CLIMAXED A PATHETIC FOUR TIMES, I DIDN'T BLAME HER. I MEAN, C'MON. AFTER GONZO, SHE MUST HAVE HAD A VAGINA THE SIZE OF THE HOLLAND TUNNEL. FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD, GONZO DIDN'T HAVE IT GOING ON DOWNSTAIRS, BUT JESUS CHRIST, HE MOST LIKELY NOSE-FUCKED CAMILLA. THE GIRTH OF HIS NOSE PUTS MY MIGHTY MANLOINS TO SHAME... BUT NO USE CRYING OVER SPILLED REPRODUCTIVE FLUIDS. I MUST THRUST YOU UNTIL I CAN THRUST NO MORE... AND THEN I WILL DRINK A DIET COKE IN VICTORY. NOW THEN... THRUST ONWARD, MISSIONARY STYLE!
Robotic Parrot: Kawwwwrrghh.
(Steve-O and Nate stare in horror and disbelief.)
Nate: ... holy shit. I got to stop doing drugs.
Steve-O: No. I think fucked up shit like this is a sign that we need to take MORE drugs.
Nate: Fuck yes.
(Nate and Steve-O start shooting meth off of a palm tree and simultaneously inject heroine. But 0¿0 sees their drug activities, and halts in mid-thrust.)
0¿0: KAW!!! SORRY LOVER, BUT CARNAL LUST AND VAGINAL PENETRATION MUST YIELD, FOR A GREATER CALL BEACONS ME... THE CALL OF NANCY REAGEN DEEP WITHIN THE CHAMBERS OF MY SOUL. SAY NO TO DRUGS, VILE STONER BITCHES!!! KAWWWW!!!
GP: Dear lord! 0¿0 has leaped from the forests of the Rainforest Cafe and delivers a clothesline to Steve-O! Nate sees this and tries to feebly throw a punch into 0¿0's face, but with one hand on a halfway-injected heroine needle, he lacks the balance and falls to the ground as 0¿0 dodges!
JT: I don't get it! I thought 0¿0 was a heel, and as such, he should support everything that is naturally evil and wrong!
Nikki: What's he trying to do with that robot Gorilla?
0¿0: HMMMM. I SEE THIS ROBOT GORILLA IS SET ON "ANNOYING NOISES AND GRUNTS". LET'S SET IT TO... AH, HERE WE GO. "TOMMY LEE".
Nikki: Oh my god... I don't even want to know what that setting does.
(As 0¿0 flips the switch, "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye begins to play softly. Steve-O looks at the monkey in horror.)
Steve-O: Oh... my... god.
GP: Holy shit!!! Dear god!!! That gorilla just lunged towards Steve-O privates first! And is currently making him it's bitch!!! This is the most disgusting anti-drug message I've ever seen!!!
JT: It looks like the gorilla has got him in the Sharpshooter... but that ain't no fucking Sharpshooter.
Nikki: And here comes Kay Fabe!
GP: Kay Fabe is looking at the gorilla with much confusion of whether Steve-O is being pinned or raped. And she's making the signal for elimination! That's it for Steve-O! Eliminated, for the first time in Mall Brawl history, by rape!
Nikki: I suppose the ref figured our American wrestling compared to his home country's wrestling consisted of cultural differences, including hot monkey rape.
JT: Your mother consists of cultural differences.
Nikki: ... I'm not even dignifying that with a slap.
0¿0: THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. THIS IS YOUR BRAIN WHEN IT'S BEING RAPED BY A ROBOTIC MONKEY. NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
GP: Nate is crawling to his feet! He charges 0¿0 with a bottle of Miller Draft and smashes it over the 0¿0's face! 0¿0 falls back in disarray. Nate seems to have six of them sitting there on the table. And he just keeps smashing them over 0¿0's face! There's the third one, smashed atop of 0¿0's skull! And another! I'm surprised Nate's wasting perfectly good beer...
Nikki: Finally, after the sixth bottle, 0¿0 falls to the ground.
JT: And Nate is now escaping, leaving Steve-O to be raped by that gorilla. That's low.
(As Nate leaves, though, he runs into a woman. Not just any woman. Nancy Reagan, the figurehead and epitome of drug awareness from the 80's!)
GP: My god! That's the last bitch you want to see when your stoned!
Nancy Reagan: I saw you inhaling methamphetamine and inserting heroine vaccines on national television.
Nate: Yeah, it happens.
Nancy Reagan: No! It doesn't happen, sir! Are you aware that there are children addicted to drugs in America? In AMERICA? What would Thomas Jefferson, founder of AMERICA, say to this sorry state of our country which allows children to do drugs... in AMERICA?
Nate: Jefferson was SO stoned when he bought Louisiana.
Nancy Reagan: GASP! How dare you say such things about Thomas! As the first lady of the man that has everything named after her husband for the great work he did for America, such as establishing extra short running shorts for male joggers during the 80's which the Communists (Democrats) abolished in wake of the 90's, and ending the Cold War by wailing a ultra-loud guitar made entirely out of the Pope's hair to destroy the Berlin Wall, I must say I am ashamed and appalled at your lack of moral dedication to this country. And although my husband can't even remember fucking me in the ass last night, let alone remember being president, he remembers one thing. After enough difficult-to-perform handjobs to his slippery Teftlon-clad penis, he does remember that I single handedly stopped the drug problem in America - and fools like you and drug dealing Democrats brung it back! Now I shall show you vengeance!
Nate: Yeah, yeah. Whatever lady.
Nancy Reagan: WHATEVER MY VAGINA, BITCH BOY!!!
GP: My god! Nancy Reagan just punched Nate clear across the jaw, sending him flying into the salad bar! Nate is crawling to his feet, very dazed and disoriented from the blow, and strikes Nancy in the chest! But it doesn't even phase her, and it actually looked like it broke his knuckles!
JT: I always knew that Nancy had abs of steel.
GP: Nate lunges at Nancy with a clothesline... BUT NANCY LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND WRAPS HER VICE-GRIP TIGHT LEGS AROUND HIS NECK!!! SHE THRUSTS HIS HEAD DOWNWARD!!!! "REAGENOMICS" (Fame-asser)!!! NATE JUST FELT THE WRATH OF REAGENOMICS!!!
Nikki: And now she's whipping off her elbow pad and darting her arms back and forth!! Here it comes!!!
JT: The most conservative move in sports entertainment!!!!
GP: SHE BOUNCES OFF A FAT MAN NEAR THE SALAD BAR!!! SHE BOUNCES OFF A PALM TREE!!! AND STOPS OVER NATE... AND DELIVERS THE REPUBLICAN ELBOW!!! MAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MOVE SINCE TEDDY ROOSAVELT DELIVERED IT TO WOODROW WILSON SHORTLY AFTER GIVING TAFT A WEDGIE!!!
Nikki: Pardon me, guys, but let's cut to a different area of the mall, because I sense any moment now Nancy Reagan will start taking her clothes off...
("The Imperial March" plays from a distant overweight white male carrying a boom box and sporting some sunglasses that should only be issued to angry black males with an urge to rape teenage girls. Suddenly, Ken War leading a band of off-brand jobbers walks out of a distant Orange Julius restaurant. Adam Nowell, formally sitting at a small table in the food court quietly eating the A&W version of the McRib, finishes his root beer float and lets out a quiet sigh of frustration.)
GP: And here come the jobbers, ladies and gentlemen. Not a moment too soon. Because right now, I feel the urge to achieve a bowel movement. Nikki, I vest in you the power of being the face-loving neutral of the commentators table who actively pursues commentating of the match rather than slapping and/or insulting the face and talking about their respective genitalia.
JT: Hey! Why don't I get to be the objective one? I make more money then she does and I was here first!
GP: Boobs, JT. You lack boobs.
JT: I knew I should have listened to my e-mail spam and enlarged my breasts naturally. :-(
GP: With that, I must depart. I will keep a small blow up doll here for you, JT. Whenever you make a crude comment, just try to lean up against it as if it was slapping you. Or something.
(GP puts the head-set of power onto Nikki's head and walks off to find the bathrooms. Nikki is overcome with power and makes a face most women make shortly before climaxing as JT watches in envy and contemplates masturbating at the sight of such pleasure.)
JT: Damn. Just... damn.
Nikki: Adam Nowell notices the jobbers and finishes his meal quickly as he rises from his seat. It looks as if he doesn't want to fight the jobbers, but natural instinct is forcing him to do so.
(Adam Nowell grabs a chair from the food court and walks towards the group of jobbers. Ken War's face lights up with glee, or at least his cheeks fell off after making a what could be considered a smile with his frayed lips.)
Ken War: ait u bois uno wat 2 do!!!!!!!!!!!
Evan Levine: I ANT GUNNA BEAT HIM!!!
Sebastian Crow: Hey ! I want to ! be hollywood ! actor ! not f$ght!! !
Ken War: cmern u possies lez get im!
(All the jobbers withdraw what's left of their hands to reveal each of them wearing a different colored ring. They combine them together in a circle. Adam Nowell stops dead in his tracks with an expression of horror befalling his face.)
Ken War: PINFALL!!!
Sebastian Crow: QUANTITY!!!
Joe Mielo: GAY!!!
Evan Levine: DYSLEXIA!!!!!
Jamie Kosoy: HEART!!!!
All: GO LOSE!!!
Voice from the Distance: With your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN JOBBER!!!
(An explosion kills all of the jobbers in the small circle, sending their body parts into the deep fat friar at the food court KFC to be processed with so much fat that they magically become Colonel Sanders chicken. Then, the smoke of the explosion fades to reveal a man clad completely in a blue stretch jumpsuit, with a "J" sewn to his chest, a faded green mullet and a cape with little unicorns all over it that resembles Ken Wars infamous security blanket. Just imagine Ed Asner in spandex. Adam Nowell looks on in fear as "Full House" Danny Videos, complete with cordless hand-held keyboard and a microphone, begins belting out the Captain Jobber theme song.)
CAPTAIN JOBBER, HE'S THE MAN.
DOESN'T HAVE A SINGLE FAN.
HE'S A JOBBER MAGNIFIED,
AND HE'S JUST REALLY FAGNIFIED.
CAPTAIN JOBBER, HE'S THE MAN.
DOESN'T HAVE A SINGLE FAN.
GOTTA HELP HIM INTO THE RING,
HE'LL LOSE BEFORE THE BELL DINGS!
(Adam Nowell looks down, to see his rib burger he was planning on saving to eat after the defeat of the jobbers covered with Joe Mielo's urine that probably was released shortly after exploding into pieces. He is visibly pissed off.)
Adam Nowell: You'll pay for this, Captain Jobber!
(Suddenly, Ken War re-assembles himself in an eerie resemblance of how the Liquidator re-assembled himself in Terminator 2: Judgment Day. He begins singing, but is voiced over by Vanilla Ice just so people can fucking understand that he's supposed to be singing.)
WE'RE THE JOBBERTEERS,
YOU CAN BE ONE TOO!
WE DON'T DESCRIMINATE 'CAUSE JAMIE'S A JEW!
WINNING AND PINNING, IS REALLY GAY!
HERE WHAT CAPTAIN JOBBER HAS TO SAY!
(Ken War falls apart and the camera cuts to Captain Jobber.)
Captain Jobber: The power... uh.... *fart*
(Captain Jobber collapses due to five consecutive heart attacks.)
Nikki: And natural causes claimed the life of Captain Jobber.
JT: Impossible, Nikki. Even though I have been staring at your breasts most of the time rather than watching the match, I know that jobbers never die.
(Captain Jobber begins raising from the floor, struggling and gasping to breathe.)
Nikki: Wow! Captain Jobber, the powers of the most annoying jobbers ever to grace the IWO ring come into one mortal being, is remarkably staying alive! He charges Adam Nowell! But Adam Nowell just holds out his fist, causing Captain Jobber's head to crash into it! Adam Nowell picks up Captain Jobber and throws him into the ceiling fan! And now small little pieces of the former Captain Jobber litter all over the people who merely want to purchase consumer goods and are unaware of the match currently taking place!
Adam Nowell: Such a great theme song for someone who only lived five minutes tops.
(Suddenly, Ken War, flying a replica of the Dr. Wily death cruiser from Mega Man, appears from the corpses of the jobber massacre that occurred when the jobbers tried to attempt a coup d'état against their benefactors, laughing a laugh similar to Kefka's in Final Fantasy, only with the balls of the laugh completely ripped out, due to the fact this is Ken War laughing.)
Ken War: narghenangh!!! i r rox u!!! u cannut killz me hardkcor!!!!!!
(Ken War flies off into the distance, as Adam Nowell shrugs his shoulders.)
Adam Nowell: Eh. He's probably right. I got to take a piss. Then I imagine he will further taunt me with his intellect with all the range of a dildo, I'll throw him into the ceiling fan and I'll call it a day.
(Cut to Waru, who is currently at Lego Land but fails to see anything around him. So basically, he has destroyed the 200,000 Lego-made Tyrannosaurus Rex and is currently hitting on the Lego statue of Jenna Jameson.)
Waru: So yeah, I'm in this Mall Brawl thing right now, but I figure I'm probably going to lose before the night comes around. Wouldn't you like a little bit of Waru up in your venue, baby? I know I can't see, but I'm not taking the mask off, and I figure, y'know, it'll add to foreplay. So, what do you say?
Jenna Jameson Statue: ...
Waru: How about we sneak in a quickie right now? That silence shit makes me all the more horny.
(Waru begins feeling up the Jenna Jameson Statue.)
Waru: God damn girl, you got goosebumps. It's okay, I'm a gentle giant.
(He breaks off a nipple when he accidently squeezes her boobs a little too hard.)
Waru: Dude! What the hell did I just do? I swear to God, this has only happened to me one other time. All we need to do is get you to an emergency room and... fuck. I don't know. Today's just been a bad day. I mean, I discovered the first living t-rex about an hour ago, and what do I do? I try to play Frisbee with it and end up destroying it's fragile body.
(Cut from Waru back to the commentators table, where GP has returned.)
GP: Dude, I thought I specifically told the cameramen never to cut to Waru. Ever.
JT: How was jacking off, Greg?
GP: I didn't jack off. I only had time for the standard bowel movement. I have a place under the commentators table that jacks me off as I watch wrestling events. It's my all in one system.
Nikki: Yes. I discovered that down there. It's kind of... disturbing.
GP: I just get so lonely :-(
GP: ... so, the position of power is mine now, Nikki. And I must now promptly direct you to some weird shit going down in the bathroom that I narrowly avoided.
(Cut to the door of the men's bathroom. Adam Nowell walks through it. Suddenly, as Adam approaches the urinals and begins to take a quick leak, Pinhead from Hellraiser blows the door off a nearby toilet stall, with his various chains, ready to do stuff with them that doesn't have anything to do with starting a small local delhi or providing handless pirates with handy limb alternatives.)
Pinhead: WHERE IS THE ONE YOU CALL "KEN WAR".
Adam Nowell *with his dick in hand, terrified*: Um. Well, he should be in here any moment I think. Just let me finish pissing here and, uh, let me walk out... don't get any funny ideas with those hooks now. Heh heh...
(Pinhead is not humored. Both share an awkward minute of silence. Adam Nowell just kind of stands there as Pinhead stares at him menacingly.)
Adam Nowell: Uh... well. It's kind of hard to piss when you stare at me like that.
Pinhead: I SHALL TEAR KEN WAR'S SOUL APART.
Adam Nowell: Okay, okay... uh, I'm going to just walk out right now...
(Adam Nowell begins backing away slowly, but then Ken War runs through the door, smacking Nowell with the door. Nowell is not phased, but he can't really get out. Ken War looks at Pinhead, then back at Adam Nowell. Now begins a parody of the final scene of Hellraiser I...)
Ken War: u sset me up!!!!........... bich!!!!!!!
(Suddenly, Pinhead begins launching several chains at Ken War, all of them remarkably hitting him in the testicles. He begins getting lifted in the air.)
Ken War: jeses.... wwwweeeepeppt herdkor!!!!
(Ken War's body explodes into random pieces. Adam Nowell just kind of stands there and Pinhead also just kind of stands there.)
Adam Nowell: So... uh, can I go?
Pinhead: ... YES.
(Adam Nowell begins to walk out, but then a chain launches towards the bathroom door and shuts it in front of him.)
Pinhead: DO YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST TAKE A PISS IN A PUBLIC PLACE AND NOT WASH YOUR HANDS? DUDE. THAT'S JUST FUCKING DISGUSTING. I KNOW SOME GUYS WHO GOT, LIKE, HERPIES FROM DOING THAT. WASH YOUR HANDS. PROMPTLY.
Adam Nowell *a little alarmed*: Um, okay...
(Adam begins running hot water on his hands and washing them thoroughly. Then he takes a paper towel to dry them.)
Pinhead: WHAT? IS SOMEONE TOO GOOD TO USE THE HOT-AIR MACHINE TO DRY THEIR HANDS? YOUR A REAL STUD, DRYING YOUR OWN HANDS LIKE THAT. ASSHOLE.
(Nowell begins using the hot air machine to dry the remainder of his hands, just so Pinhead doesn't freak out.)
Pinhead: THAT'S BETTER. NOW I GOT TO GET BACK TO HELL. GERALD FORD AND I ARE GOING TO SEE WHO CAN FIT THE MOST HEROIN NEEDLES INTO THEIR FACE WITHOUT CONTRACTING AIDS AND/OR PARDONING NIXON.
(Pinhead jumps into a toilet and then flushes himself, which sends him into the sewer, and then I imagine he hitched a subway to Hell or something. Who knows. Adam Nowell shakes his head.)
Adam Nowell: I think I've had enough for awhile. It's time to go to "From Justin to Kelly" at Cinemark. I'm fairly sure nobody will be in there.
(Adam Nowell walks into the theatre containing "From Justin to Kelly", where cameras dare not follow. Cut to Best Buy, where a small gathering of people are attending the "NES Track and Field" run-off between Lactose the Intolerant and Janitor Seven displayed on the huge Best Buy television screen.)
Janitor Seven: I'm going to mop you like a 3rd grader who just puked on the special bus, Lactose.
Lactose the Intolerant: Highly doubtful, friend. Highly doubtful. Let us see who is the champion once and for all.
JT: Shit. A Track and Field run-off? Are these people kidding me?
Nikki: It's Mall Brawl, slapnuts. Plus, who can resist the NES Track and Field game? I got Lactose 6 to 1 over Janitor Seven.
GP: Well, Track and Field will have to do for now.
(The two combatants, the white pixelated runner and the black pixelated runner, line up. The gun is shot, and they frantically begin running.)
GP: My god! My god! It's neck and neck! But Lactose clearly is pulling ahead! What's this?! Janitor Seven is pulling ahead in the last moments of the race!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! MY GOD!!! LACTOSE IS STRUGGLING TO KEEP UP!!! BUT HE'S BEING BLOWN AWAY BY THE BLACK RUNNER WHICH IS JANITOR SEVEN!!!! AND NOW HERE'S THE HURDLES!!! JANITOR SEVEN CLEARS THE HURDLES AND LACTOSE HITS EVERY ONE OF THEM!!! I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH POWER MAT ACTION IN MY LIFE!!! JANITOR SEVEN JUMPS THE LAST HURDLE TO VICTORY! AND HE WINS!! HE PULLS IT OFF!!! LACTOSE COLLAPSES ONTO THE POWER MAT AS HE SUFFERS HUMILIATING DEFEAT!!! AND JANITOR SEVEN IS SURROUNDED BY SEVERAL FINE WOMEN, COMPLETE WITH A FEATHER BOA!!! MY GOD!!! JANITOR SEVEN PREVAILS!!! AND HAS JUST ADVANCED THE CAUSE OF ALL BLACK NINTENDO OLYMPIC RACERS EVERYWHERE!!
(Janitor Seven thrusts his triumphant pelvis into the face of his fallen victor, Lactose.)
Janitor Seven: Negro revolution, baby! Negro revolution!
Lactose the Intolerant: Nooooo! The great white hope will inevitably prevail! Long jump, motherfucker! I'll OWN you in long jump!
(Suddenly, with a clash of lightning and the death of every first born son in Best Buy, Mad Moses enters, ravaged in his search for the Ten Commandments, riding a kick-ass golf cart that shoots flames out the back with the license plate "Old Testament Balla". A long silence befalls the customers as Mad Moses eyes up the two competitors, who are also awkwardly silent.)
Mad Moses: Here I am, guys. Right when I start feeling good when I find this golf cart, which kicks the Egyptians pussy ass war chariots they get in Civilization III and advances my peoples cause so god damn much that we own the Middle East, I over hear someone talking about a NES Track and Field showdown. A showdown which I was not invited to. What's with this? Huh? What's the deal, huh? Is it because I'm Jewish?
Janitor Seven: No, no. Don't get that impression. We just-
Lactose the Intolerant: Track and Field is a two person game. You'd be the third wheel.
Mad Moses: We could trade off every round.
Janitor Seven: Well, it's kind of a two person competition. Plus, we thought you were, like, getting the Ten Commandments and stuff.
Mad Moses: The Ten Commandments can wait for Nintendo, brother. God himself spent half of Genesis trying to beat Ghosts n' Goblins, and let me tell you, when he beat it and found out he had to beat it AGAIN to truly beat it, he purposely made Japan look like Asia's wang. And I doubt he would have even committed to the Genesis deal if he knew the meddling Japanese would name a marginally crappy gaming system in it's honor.
Janitor Seven: I see. Well, uh, we don't want to make any Gods angry, here.
Lactose the Intolerant: The real reason we didn't invite you is, uh, because you cheat, Mad Moses. You use your hands.
Janitor Seven: Yeah! And that one code that injects your runner with steroids halfway through the run! It's cheap!
Mad Moses: I have a heart condition. The Nintendo Power Pad manual specifically tells me to use my hands if I have a heart condition or are pregnant. And I happen to have both those ailments, brother. And Mark McGuire uses steroids, do you consider him to be a cheater too?
Janitor Seven: Uh... uh... Lactose, you field this one. RUN AWAY!
(Janitor Seven leaps onto a floor buffer to escape Mad Moses, turning it on and slowly making his get away.)
Mad Moses: Verily. He slowly hath getting away. Well, I guess your the one I'm going to take out my ancient aggression on, Lactose. Hi yo!
(Mad Moses throws down his cane, where it turns into a tin of brownies.)
Lactose the Intolerant: Oooh! Brownies!
Mad Moses: NO! That was supposed to be a snake, you fool! So, they are probably poisonous brownies that will kill you in a matter of nanoseconds!
Lactose the Intolerant *with a brownie mustache, achieved by eating lots of brownies*: No, they are actually most delicious!
Mad Moses: ... curses!
GP: Mad Moses lifts up the brownie pan and smacks Lactose the Intolerant across the head with it! Lactose falls to the ground! He begins rolling up Lactose the Intolerant in the power mat! He throws him in the back of the golf cart and drives out of the Best Buy!
Nikki: Where the hell is he going?
(Mad Moses reaches Hooters, the malls only theme restaurant dedicated to what men really want out of a restaurant - boobs. He throws Lactose the Intolerant into Hooters.)
Mad Moses: Behold, Intolerant one, of the mortal sin shaped in the form of ripe, plentiful bosoms! Bosoms which you cannot ignore as a man but make you sick as a lactose intolerant!
Lactose the Intolerant: NOOOOOOOO!!!! I CAN'T LOOK AWAY.... BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I FEEL SICK!!!
Mad Moses: Wiggle Gods work, ladies!
(The women at Hooters begin shaking their sinful bosoms at Lactose, at which he collapses.)
GP: Mad Moses, as he makes a glance into the distant resembling Charlton Heston, lays one foot on Lactose's neck! But Captain Crunch is too busy flirting with the women in order to count the pinfall!
Captain Crunch: Hey ladies. Don't believe what they say about my crunchberries. I sued them to change the name to "Lustberries", but most PTA associations counter-sued. They just couldn't understand that the Captain and my 13 inch corporation make it happen. It lost me my promotion to becoming Admiral Crunch, but hey, Count Chocula lost his bid to become Archduke of Chocula, so I figure, hey, we all get the same amount of pussy, no problem, it's cool.
Mad Moses: COUNT MY PINFALL OR I'LL CONDEMN YOU TO HELL.
Captain Crunch: What? Oh, sorry ladies. I've got a bit of a ref thing going on here. Let me just do this thing here quick and then we'll discuss what sexual positions we'll be performing when I make you first mate... in the bedroom!
(Captain Crunch winks seductively as Mad Moses pulls him over and re-directs him to the pinning of Lactose.)
Captain Crunch: This one's for us, baby.
Eliminated: Lactose the Intolerant
GP: And Lactose is out of here!
JT: Thank god! Now it's time to get our paycheck and get the hell out of here.
GP: For us commentators back from the IWO's shallow grave, we're probably going to come back for THE ENDING WHERE WE GET OUR PAYCHECK WITH THE REST OF THE COMMENTATORS FROM OTHER FEDS, JT...
JT and Nikki: Shit.
GP: But until then, this is Greg Parker, JT and Nikki... I've got to check my progress on Hot or Not, last I checked I was a 7.5, so I'm a regular hotty!
Nikki: Let's get the hell out of here.
(JT and Nikki slowly walk away as Greg Parker mouths the words to "When a Man Loves a Woman" while doing embarressing disco dance moves he learned watching old reruns of "Soul Train".)
Adam Nowell vs. Hans Krueger
With the Descension hanging over the heads of everyone tonight, tensions could be a LITTLE higher. Of course, when you hold your shows in empty arenas, you tend not to notice.
However, for this particular match, two seperate factions sat in opposite sides of the ring. On one side, you had Sarah "the Jobber Slayer", Kay Fabe (holding on to Sarah's knee for some reason), Styles, Xamfir, Jeannie, Michelle, and Little Good.
On the other side of the ring, you had Eliza "the Jobber Slayer" and the evil peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
For some reason, David Flair, completely unaffiliated with either faction, just stood in a central area. He was unaffiliated with the Shaggy Gang, because he sucked as a Commentator and he was David Flair, and he was unaffiliated with Team Krueger for... well, the exact same reasons.
Anyway, to kick things off, "Supersexworld" by One Ton played for the first time in fWEo arenas, drawing out Hans Krueger. Krueger smiled his stained smile as he walked out to the ring. Krueger entered the ring, and not much of note happens.
"Angel" by Darling Violetta would interrupt the proceedings, as Adam Nowell walked out, still extremely happy over Sarah the Jobber Slayer leaving him. Nowell entered the ring and glared at Hans Krueger.
The two glared at one another before Angel went all vamp face and clobbered the hell out of Hans with a punch, sending him flying into a turnbuckle. Hey, all vampire punches(even if Nowell wasn't a vampire per se) tend to do that, why not this one? Well, Krueger didn't like this punch. Partially because it was all hurtie, and he hadn't been all hurtie in a good four months now, but mostly
because it could have ruined his boyish good looks.
With that, Krueger kicked Nowell. Right in the stomach.
Then he smiled his stained smile.
"RIGHT! That's it." Nowell shouted, looking away from Krueger's bad teeth, "Might I interest you in some COLGATE?!"
With that, Nowell reached into the pockets of his trenchcoat and pulled out a tube of Colgate and a toothbrush.
Krueger backed off in horror.
"Vou wouldn't DARE."
"Oh, I WOULD!"
With that, Nowell lunged at Krueger, spearing him to the canvas while trying to force the toothbrush into Krueger's mouth. After a few moments of heated struggling, Krueger managed to push off Nowell with both of his feet.
Then he unleashed the Dresden Powerhouse.
Nowell unleashed his roundhouse kick.
"Haha. Vou zee? Vou cannot defeat me, Nowell. Vou are veak, veakling." Krueger taunted. This simply caused Nowell to calmly take off his trenchcoat to reveal the black shirt and the black pants that were underneath.
"Ooh, he's so hot even without the trenchcoat." Sarah commented.
"I wear a sodding trenchcoat, you know." Little Good pointed out.
"I also kick your ass a lot."
Little Good said nothing in response to this, on account of having nothing to say.
Nowell tried a three punch combo, but Krueger somehow blocked all of them. The last punch was skillfully dodged, and Krueger unleashed the Dresden Powerhouse to the back of his head as he stumbled forward, that sent him flying over the top rope and to the outside.
Nowell did not like that.
He got up onto the apron, whereupon he punched Krueger in the head as he got too close to him. Then Nowell had the GALL to try an ACTUAL WRESTLING MOVE by slingshotting himself over the top rope and using a sunset flip.
Krueger was so bewildered that he actually got rolled up for a two count.
He got up and shoved Nowell backwards, "Vou cheapzkate! Vou never used ze wrestling! EVER!"
"First time for everything, Chuckles. Say, would they elect a eunich for mayor in Beaverton?" Nowell asked.
"Vah, zey vere ztupid enough to elect me in ze first place, vhy?" Krueger asked.
Nowell kicked him right in the balls.
Then Nowell tried to use the Michinoku Driver, but SOMEONE doesn't want to sell Nowell's rarely-seen finishing maneuver, and so Krueger blocked it, before hitting the Dresden Powerhouse.
It was the coolest, though, because when he landed, he actually bounced!
Now, Krueger would have followed up on this, but then a pesky light suddenly shot out of his eyes and mouth, and he slowly started to levitate off of the ground and look all scary-like.
The Descension had begun.
Mall Brawl Chapter III
IV Water Can Be Deadly
Mooney: Well, Living Legend, it's time for us to call the action we see before us, it's Mall Brawl 4!
Zbyszko: Yeah, whatever. I didn't know Bort was writing anything for this match.
Mooney: Um...it's Mall Brawl 4!
(Janitor Seven comes riding into the Food Court on the floor buffer he used to escape the Best Buy. 'Narly' Nate comes running into his path, looking behind him just to make sure that he's lost Nancy Reagan.)
(Seven swerves in an attempt to miss Nate, but ends up colliding with James Cagle. Of course, the floor buffer is totally wrecked.)
Mooney: Did you see that, Living Legend? I can't remember the last time I saw a redneck destroy a floor buffer!
Zbyszko: I can. I once saw Bill Dundee trying to use one, but since he was a few years behind on technology, he threw it in a bathtub while it was still plugged in. The floor buffer sure showed him who really was the KING in THAT game of human chess.
Mooney: Wouldn't it be home electronics chess?
Zbyszko: Wouldn't YOU be home electronics chess?
Seven: DUDE I AM SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T SMACK ME IN THE NUTS!
Cagle: Aw, don't worry there, little fella. I ain't gonna go and hit you in yer testicles.
Cagle: But ah will punch you in the face repeatedly.
Seven: Wait, make sure you...
Mooney: Whoa! It looks like I'm not the only bitch around here anymore!
Zbyszko: No, you're the only LITTLE bitch. That guy's just being treated like a bitch right now.
(Meanwhile, Russa is taking the escalator down to the Food Court, and he passes by Waru, who's standing on the regular stairs, not moving. Russa starts walking up the escalator steps that are going down, and is going nowhere as he yells out to Waru.)
Russa: Hey! What's the matter?
Waru: I'm gonna take a stab and say I guess you're talking to me. First of all, thank you for asking. Everybody else just keeps hitting me as they walk by, it's nice to know that there are kind people left in this world. Anyway, to answer your question, it appears as if this escalator has broken.
Russa: But that isn't an escalator. And you said other people have walked past you and hit you...
Waru: How would YOU know if this is an escalator or not? And how would YOU know that people keep hitting me as they walk by? Are YOU one of them? Bah, and to think...I thanked you and called you a "kind person"! Just for that, I'm coming down there in hopes of somewhat kicking your ass! That's right...I'm going to WALK down an escalator!
Russa: But I'm not down on the floor!
Waru: Save it for the Queen, pal.
(Waru takes one step and falls down the stairs, and Russa, seeing that Mongo is in view, attempts to run down the escalator so he can pin Waru, but he's forgotten that he turned around, and is trying to run up the steps that are going *down*.)
Mooney: What a brouhaha we've got, Living Legend! Waru is practically unconscious at the bottom of those stairs, Russa is stuck on that escalator, and 'Narly' Nate is watching James Cagle pummel Janitor Seven!
Zbyszko: If you want to see a REAL brouhaha, try convincing Dusty Rhodes to LOSE a bunkhouse brawl!
Seven: STOP PUMMELING ME! IT'S VERY PAINFUL!
Cagle: Oh. Well you should have said so in the first place, pardner!
(Cagle stops pummeling Seven, and puts him down, having held him up in the air by the back of his shirt while he was repeatedly punching him in the face.)
Seven: Okay, you know what? I don't like what you just did to me, and I'm tired of being pushed around.
(Nate shoves Seven.)
Seven: Stop it!
Nate: Heh heh. Dude.
Seven: As I was saying...Cagle...when I went through my portal and into your hospital room to get you, I noticed you were in BAD shape. But when I grabbed you and brought you here, the powers of my portal HEALED you! You no longer needed to be hooked up to that IV...but since you saw fit to beat me within an inch of my life...
Cagle: Ah ain't so sure ah beat you within an inch of yer life, there, pardner. Ah mean...yer still talkin', right?
Seven: Shut up! And feel the pain! Uh...again!
(There's a bright blue flash, and once it disappears, Cagle's standing there with an IV in his arm...groggy, bag of water there and everything.)
Mooney: No! This can't be happening! James Cagle, one of the favorites to win this match, was healed by Janitor Seven's portal before this match, but Seven has taken those healing powers off of him! Cagle is in NO condition to continue this match!
Zbyszko: First of all...the only person who would count James Cagle as one of their favorites to win this thing is YOU. And since when did this janitor guy become a magician?
(Over by the escalator and the regular stairs, Mongo has run over to the fallen Waru.)
Mongo: Hey, BAY-BAS! Mongo thinks this sugary deer horse is dead!
Waru: I'm not dead.
(Mongo stomps on Waru's head.)
Mongo: Mongo thinks someone should pin and walk out of here with dub-c-dub United States Championship! Mongo held that belt, bay-ba, whoo doggy!
Russa: Ah. BriefCASE.
(Russa turns around and walks DOWN the escalator steps, then over to Mongo, where he grabs his Haliburton.)
Mongo: That's Mongo's, bay-ba, OH YEAH! Mongo won many a match with that!
Russa: Well, I think it's mine. How about I hit someone with it and see if *I* win?
Mongo, pointing to Waru: How about you hit this dead guy, bay-ba?
Waru: I'm not dead.
Russa: Sure. Pick him up.
(Mongo picks Waru up and Russa leans back, then SLAMS the Haliburton into Waru's face.)
Waru: I'm not dead.
Mongo: Mongo TOLD ya, bay-ba, oh YES HE DID!
(Mongo yanks the Haliburton away from Russa.)
Mooney: Wait...Living Legend, I know we've been observing what's going on with Russa and Waru, but...
Zbyszko: We have?
Mooney: ...but it looks as if Cagle's IV bag is...growing?
Zbyszko: It is? I thought it was just my glaucoma playing tricks on my eyes again!
Cagle: What's...in pain...what's...doo-hickey...doin'?
(The bag grows to be thirty feet tall and thirty feet wide, rumbling as it does so. Cagle, Nate, and Seven all look up at the monstrosity.)
Mooney: You know, Living Legend, I look at this bag full of water growing, and there's only one word that sums up this entire pay-per-view thus far...
Zbyszko: What's that?
(The bag explodes, filling the entire Food Court with IV water. Mongo and Russa turn toward the direction of the bag right when it explodes, and Mongo, purely on instinct, holds the Haliburton up in front of his face. Waru tried to look in the direction of the exploding IV bag, but he ended up looking at the Chick-Fil-A menu. After everything clears, Mongo is the only person in the entire Food Court still standing, as he slowly lowers the Haliburton.)
Mongo: Damn, bay-ba, DAMN.
(Suddenly, an idea pops into Mongo's head. He walks over to Russa, and drags him onto the fallen body of Waru, before administering the fastest three-count ever recorded in the history of professional wrestling, clocking in at -0.000000000000001 seconds.)
Mooney: Waru has been eliminated, Living Legend! Obviously a big letdown for most of our fans out there, as they were really pulling for Waru to walk out of here with at least one of the belts.
Zbyszko: Even if Waru did win one of the titles, the chances he'd actually walk OUT of the mall are very slim...as slim as your chances of losing your virginity, Mooney. Ha! Uppercut!
Nate: Dude, I'm seein', like...birds and stuff flying around my head.
(The dazed Nate continues to watch the birds fly around his head as he lies on the floor, but soon he see's a bunch of Spheres, and they each kick one of the birds away, before walking around his head.)
Nate: Dude, I'm seein', like...Spheres and stuff walking around my head. Wait a minute...this stuff I'm all layin' in...
(Nate grabs a nearby paper cup that floated over to him from the Wendy's, and scoops up some of the IV water, before drinking it.)
Nate: Dude! It tastes just like BONG WATER!
(Nate immediately hops up and dives right onto Seven, the first person he sees.)
Nate: Hey ref, get over here, dude! I'm being all evil! I'm, like, seizing the opportunity!
(Mongo slowly walks over to Nate.)
Mongo: Now ah believe ah have a name, BAY-ba.
Nate: Yeah, prolly.
Mongo: Mongo don't have time to waste on a pothead, oh NO, bay-ba, NO!
Mooney: Living Legend...could it be?
Zbyszko: Could what be? I'm reading this article on the Olsen Twins in the new Rolling Stone.
Mooney: 1! 2! 3! I can't believe it! The only janitor in a match called "When Janitors Collide" has just been eliminated!
Eliminated: Janitor Seven
(Cagle is trying to get to his feet, right as Nate starts celebrating the fact that he eliminated someone.)
Nate: Yeah, like, who gonna stop me now, huh? Yeah! What!
Mongo: Ah believe that should end in a question mark, bay-ba, oh yeah!
Mongo: You did it again, bay-ba, oh no!
Nate: Who are you.
Mongo: Now look-uh here, Panama Red, you best stop using incorrect grammar, or else you gone be a dead bay-ba, OH GODDAMN HELL YES!
Cagle: Ah hate to rain on your parade, pardners, but do ya think one of you good fellas can help me to ma feet?
Mongo: Sure, bay-ba! Mongo's always here to lend a helpin' hand...unless you that fool with the pink mask...OH YEAH!
Zbyszko: I have reason to believe that this hillbilly is attempting to lure the stoner in, so that he can hit him with a quick eye gouge and eliminate him from this RIDICULOUS competition. Who would have thought that a redneck knew how to play chess?
Mooney: Living Legend, I wouldn't be so sure about that...only Mongo is helping Cagle to his feet. I haven't the slightest clue as to what Nate is doing.
Voice: Dave. Daaaaave.
Nate: Huh? Who's that?
Voice: It's a voice in your head that's resulting from a combination of getting taken out by the IV water, drinking the IV water, and being a pothead who isn't that smart in the first place.
Nate: You sound like Sphere.
Voice: Of course I do. I'm your evil conscious.
Nate: But why'd you call me Dave?
Voice: Isn't that your name? 'Narly' Dave?
Nate: Dude, no, it's like, Nate or Nick or something.
Voice: Oh. Are you also aware that you've misspelled "gnarly"?
Nate: Miss who?
Voice: Nevermind. Okay, see that guy over there?
Nate: The dude who used to play soccer?
Voice: Nate, neither of those two men have ever played soccer.
Nate: Oh. Then, uh, no, I don't see that guy.
Voice: How can you NOT see that guy? There's two guys there. ONE of them is that guy. It's impossible for you to NOT see that guy.
Nate: Buddy, you don't know me.
Voice: I'm a voice in your head, pal. I know you better than ANYONE else.
Nate: How about the other voices in my head? Do you know me better than them?
Voice: Of course I do. They're a bunch of morons.
Voice: Okay, back to the subject at hand. The guy with the beat-up baseball cap on...he's only PRETENDING to be injured. I don't care if he's been in the hospital for the past week, I think he's faking it.
Nate: So what am I supposed to do?
Voice: See that chopstick that just floated in from one of the five Chinese Buffet places and hit you in the foot?
Voice: Well, that's because you have to look down first. So...look down.
Nate: Hey, there it is!
Voice: Okay, now pick it up.
(Nate bends over and picks up the chopstick.)
Mooney: OH MY GOD, LIVING LEGEND, HE'S GOT A CHOPSTICK.
Zbyszko: Oh no. Stop. Think of the...children. (*salutes*)
Voice: Now, go over to the guy faking the sprained pinky finger, and poke him in the most vulnerable of body parts. After you do that, it'll be quite easy to eliminate him from this.
Nate: Dude, that would also mean I eliminated...uh...
Voice: Two guys.
Nate: Yeah! That would mean I eliminated two guys from this thing!
Voice: Yes, this...thing. Now go, and do as I say. If you do a good job, maybe I'll have some oregano land in your lap or something.
(Nate walks up to Cagle, who's still being helped up by Mongo.)
Cagle: Hey there, son.
(Nate can't think of a greeting, so he thinks back to what Sphere...um...the voice in his head was telling him.)
Voice: Now, go over to the guy faking the sprained pinky finger, and poke him in the most vulnerable of body parts...the most vulnerable of body parts...the most vulnerable of body parts...the most vulnerable of body parts...
(Without any more hesitation, Nate took the chopstick and thrust it forward...)
Cagle: Sweet Marie! Ma belly button!
(Cagle grabbed at his stomach and collapsed. Nate immediately covered him, apparently feeling mighty evil.)
Mooney: Nate covers Cagle! 1! 2!
Zbyszko: Okay, Mooney. Don't be so dramatic about it. There's three. Cagle's gone. Boo-hoo.
Eliminated: James Cagle
(Nate hops up to his feet and once again starts celebrating, still holding onto the chopstick.)
Mongo: Didn't your momma tell you never to jump up and down while you're holdin' a chopstick, bay-ba?
Nate: My mom's a crack whore.
Zbyszko: I never would have guessed, Mooney. Never in a million years.
Nate: Okay, dude, like, raise my hand. And where's my oregano?
Mongo: You didn't win yet, bay-ba, oh no.
Nate: I didn't? Bummer.
Voice: Look out behind you.
(Russa, who had somehow managed to crawl out of the wreckage and into a Radio Shack, runs up behind Nate and blasts him across the back of the head with a keyboard that someone had preset to play the Halloween theme song...as performed by a bunch of barking dogs. Nate falls over and Russa makes the cover.)
Mooney: Right across the back of the head, Living Legend! 1! 2!
Zbyszko: Yeah, yeah, there's three. Whatever happened to just using a plain old steel chair? You got kids beating each other up with chopsticks and keyboards...speaking of which, don't even get me STARTED on keyboards...those kids SHOULD be playing the PIANO!
Eliminated: 'Narly' Nate
Voice: I would've hit you over the back of head with a keyboard just on general principle. God, you're an idiot.
The Shaggy Gang all stood up in horror.
Nowell simply glared up, not bothering to get to his feet.
David Flair also looked up in horror.
Eliza screamed in delight.
The evil sandwiches screamed "HAIL JELLITER" as they, too, floated up and joined Hans Krueger in the Descension process, slowly being absorbed into the bright, shining light that was once Hans Krueger. The sandwiches were now gone.
Adam Nowell didn't know what to make of this situation.
Styles screamed out, "OH MY GOD! It IS the Descension! It really exists! I thought it, was, like, a bluff or something!"
The light slowly levitated back down to the canvas, and slowly faded away.
Everyone in the building gasped in shock as Hans Krueger stepped out of the light with a smile on his face.
A hideously white smile.
His jacket, jeans, and Asylum shirt were replaced with black trunks, black kneepads, and black boots.
Krueger looked down and smiled, "Yes! The Descension is complete. I have attained my full power! Plus, I don't have that stupid German accent any more!"
Krueger did the Snoopy Dance.
Nowell stood up.
It wasn't over just yet.
Mall Brawl Chapter IV
The Thrilling Conclusion
Nine: Well, hey there! This is Janitor Nine and his good, close, personal friend, Joey Malone, here to call the remaining moments of Mall Brawl IV! :-D
Malone: I'm not your friend.
Nine: You're not? :-(
Malone: I'm...no, wait...you're still one of those janitor guys, right?
Nine: Sure am. :-)
Malone: Oh, yeah, then I'm not your friend.
Nine: Oh. :-(
Malone: Alright, come on, don't we gotta tell these losers what they missed?
Nine: Oh, but of course. See, while Sean Mooney and Larry Zbyszko were calling the action, we had some extracurricular activities going on down the other end of the mall. Let's go to the replay and analyze what occurred just moments ago. :-)
Malone: God, you sounded like such a moron there.
Nine: Okay, here we see Mad Max...or Mad Moses...or whatever he's calling himself...here we see this guy trying to part a fountain, perhaps in an attempt to take all the pennies and run way with them, laughing maniacally. Maybe he's poor, I don't know the guy...but anyway, if you look in the right corner, right here, you can see Schitzo Tod leaving the Kids Foot Locker. :-\
Malone: He spends this whole...match, I guess...watching some movie with explosions, and then he goes into a Kids Foot Locker? Why the hell would he go in there?
Nine: Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that my broadcast colleague is not familiar with Schitzo Tod, but let me un-pause this right here...and you'll see Schtizo Tod pick up a little old lady who just so happened to be walking by and toss her right at Mad Moses. Rewind...freeze frame...slo-mo...and there you see it again. 8-)
Malone: Alright, alright, I admit it's funny watching that old lady getting thrown through the air, but do you have to keep rewinding it and playing it over and over again?
Nine: Yes! :-D
Malone: Gimme that. (Malone grabs the remote from Nine.)
Malone: Alright, so after Schitzo Tod throws the old lady at Mad Moses, Kay Fabe comes walking in, and she must be the only hot lesbian in existence who can count to three, because Mad Moses is gone.
Eliminated: Mad Moses
Nine: Yeah, and then the zero-upside down question mark-zero guy swoops in and, like, says stuff to Schitzo Tod. Let's have a listen. :-$
0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!!!! FINALLY, THAT JESUS FREAK IS GONE! NOW I CAN UTILIZE MY MIGHTY BIRD PENIS TO MASTURBATE ON NEARBY CROSSES WITHOUT FEAR OF GOING TO HELL!
Tod: Ooh, sounds like fun! Hooray! See, wearing briefs makes it easier to just reach in and get to work, where as boxers just take up more space, and you run the risk of soiling them and ruining the pretty colors that they come in! Briefs? Just WHITE ones for me, thank you very much!
Nine: And here we see that the Birdman has had enough, and NAILS Schitzo Tod right in the back of the head with a flaming barbed wire bird feeder, drawing copious amounts of BLOOOOOD! O:-)
Malone: Settle down.
Nine: Of course, Kay Fabe was still there, and even though she would probably never, EVER find a guy like Birdman attractive, since, you know, she likes girls and stuff...tee-hee...she makes the three-count for him anyway. :-D
Malone: Can I go home now? I mean, I just saw a guy get hit with a FLAMING BARBED WIRE BIRD FEEDER, this thing can't get any worse...right?
0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE, LOOK! OLD PEOPLE!
*SLAM! SMASH! POW!*
Malone: Dammit, why do I keep invoking Murphy's Law? And what I'm watching right now is on tape! How the hell did he know what I was gonna say?
Eliminated: Schitzo Tod
Nine: And now we go back to live action, where Russa has...well...run into Sarah, the Jobber Slayer. :-(
Malone: Sucks for him.
Sarah: Halt! No jobber shall pass! Unless of course they tell me where my Angel-poo is!
Russa: I swear...I don't know where your boyfriend is, and I am NOT a jobber. I'm the straight man, dammit! Sure, I didn't know I was walking up that escalator that was going down! And, sure, I may have struck up a conversation with MONGO, of all people, but I AM NOT A JOB...
(Perhaps taking a bit too long to explain himself, Russa is hit with a swift roundhouse kick to the head by Sarah, who immediately covers, as she spots Captain Crunch nearby, enjoying a bowl of Crunchberries cereal.)
Crunch: This is wrong on SO many levels, kids! Ooh, an attempt at a pinfall. As I go over to make the three-count, be sure to look for specially-marked boxes of Crunchberries cereal, most of which contain various body parts of Ken War!
Nine: Captain Crunch makes the three-count! :-)
(Meanwhile, Adam Nowell walks out of "From Justin To Kelly", sobbing uncontrollably.)
Nowell: Why, God, WHY? WHY did I sit there and watch the ENTIRE THING?
Nine: Well, Joey, looks like Nowell is vulnerable, and he can't afford to be vulnerable with only two other competitors left. 8-)
Malone: Give it up. You're not cool.
(Nowell wanders over to the pet store, where, unfortunately for him, Sarah is standing in front of, looking through the window at all the puppies, because everyone knows that if you ever kick a guy in the head who's not really a jobber, your sins can be washed away by staring at puppies.)
Nine: Hoo-boy, I don't think hiding behind that fake plant is going to work, Joey! :-P
Malone: NOTHING is going to work. Anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong. WHY ME?
(Sarah turns around once she hears the rustling of plastic leaves.)
Sarah: *gasps* ANGEL!
(Sarah runs over to the plant, throws it out of the way, and attempts to jump into Nowell's arms, but he doesn't hold them out to catch her.)
Sarah: Hee-hee-hee, oh Angel.
(As Sarah gets up, both she and Nowell notice a large shadow fly overhead.)
Sarah: Angel...he's here.
Nowell: The guy in the bird suit? He's been here since the beginning of the match.
Sarah: There he is!
(Sarah points to a nearby bench, where 0¿0 is flipping through an issue of Penthouse.)
0¿0: HMM... THESE WOMEN DO NOT ACCURATE PLEASE MY MIGHTY BIRD PENIS ENOUGH FOR MASTURBATION PURPOSES.
(We pan down to see that the Birdman is attempting to masturbate on a cross.)
0¿0: WHERE IS BIRD MONTHLY, GOD DAMMIT? BIRD MONTHLY! THAT IS MUCH MORE HARDCORE FOR THE MIGHTY BIRDMAN! MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!
Nowell: Hey, buddy...do us a favor and go do all that stuff in the Barnes & Noble, or Starbucks, or something. We don't wanna see...uh...THAT right here in the middle of the mall.
Nine: OH MY GOD, ADAM NOWELL IS STANDING UP TO OHEEKUMOH! =-O
0¿0: HEY, MOTHERCLUCKER, DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO PROVE TO GOD JUST HOW HARDCORE MYSTERIOUS J. BIRDMAN IS, BY GIVING HIS SON'S STUPID LITTLE SYMBOL A VERY WHITE CHRISTMAS! MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!
Nowell: Okay, now I know I'm not the most religious guy out there, but I hope you die a VERY horrible death.
Sarah: Tell him, Angel!
Nowell: Shut up.
0¿0: OH, PLEASE. I ACTUALLY BLEW MYSELF UP IN ONE OF THESE MALL BRAWL THINGS ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO. SEE OVER THERE?
(The Birdman points in a direction.)
0¿0: THE BIRDMAN-SHAPED GREASE SPOT IS STILL THERE.
Malone: And I was there when that happened, too.
Nowell: Nobody asked you.
Nine: Ha! Nowell BITCHED you out! :-D
(Nowell picks up a rock and throws it at Nine's head.)
Nine: Ouch. :'(
Nowell: And nobody WANTED you to speak.
Malone: NOW who's the bitch?
Sarah: Excuse me. I'm a lady, NOT a "bitch", as you put it.
Malone: I wasn't talking to you!
(While confusion reigns over who's talking to who, Mongo and Kay Fabe are conspiring to rid the contest of the other referee, Captain Crunch.)
Mongo: See here, bay-ba, Mongo always cut the roof of his mouth when he was a young-in, and it always came from eatin' that death cereal!
Kay: Kay Fabe wants to know one thing and ONE THING ONLY...that cereal was out when YOU were a kid?
Mongo: Sure was. Now ah say we kill the bastard! Or at least make him go away from here, bay-ba, whichever you prefer, OH YEAH.
(Before Kay Fabe could answer, Captain Crunch strolls up to them.)
Crunch: Hey there! Have YOU two been getting your daily dose of fiber?
(Mongo and Kay Fabe look at each other, then back at Captain Crunch. Mongo quickly grabs him, rolls him up into a ball, and places him on his foot, holding him in place with just one finger on the top of his head/novelty-sized pirate hat. Kay Fabe takes a few steps back, runs up, and...)
Mongo: It's good, bay-ba! Oh YEAH, it's good!
(Captain Crunch goes sailing across the mall, landing...well, nobody knows where he landed, but he won't be coming back to register any more three-counts, that's for sure. Mongo extends his hand toward Kay Fabe, perhaps congratulating her on such a well-placed kick.)
Mongo: Put 'er there, BAY-ba.
Kay: Kay Fabe might not get along with any former players of the Chicago Bears, but she's willing to shake your hand JUST ONCE, and ONLY once!
(Kay Fabe goes to shake Mongo's hand, but Mongo grabs her and plants a kiss RIGHT on her, causing her to pass out.)
Mongo: Aw, HELL YEAH, BAY-BA!
Nine: Well, if there was ANY chance of Kay Fabe turning straight anytime soon, that set it back about fifteen years. :-\
Malone: When are these two gonna stop arguing about porn? I want out of here.
Nowell: DAMMIT! I'd rather look at HUMAN chicks, you pervert! And SHE is NOT my girlfriend!
0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKE! SOMEONE IS IN DENIAL!
Nowell: Screw this.
(Nowell picks up a chicken nugget and takes a bite out of it, chewing it up while desperately trying not to gag on it, since it HAS been sitting on the mall floor for awhile now.)
Nine: Oh my God. This...this can't be good... =-O
Malone: How the hell is his face turning red if that's just part of a suit?
Sarah: Oh no! Angel, you just consumed a chicken nugget!
Nowell: Damn straight. I'm 100% man.
Sarah: No, no, NO! You don't realize what you've just done!
Nowell: Yeah, I know, I know. I'll be paying for it in the bathroom later.
Sarah: But there might not BE a "later"! The Mysterious Birdman is about to go into a fit of rage that only a handful of immortals have managed to stop!
Sarah: In order to defeat him, we must work together, putting aside any sexual tension between us, for if we expose our emotions in mid-battle...
(Nowell punches Sarah in the face, sending her falling to the floor. Nowell covers her, being sure not to touch either of her breasts, just in case she wakes up.)
Nowell: Mongo, dammit, get over here NOW.
Mongo: Will do, BAY-BA, yeah! One little piggy! Two little piggies! And three little piggies!
Nine: We're down to two men, Joey! Just TWO MEN! :-)
Eliminated: Sarah, the Jobber Slayer
Malone: And just one step closer to me going to the police and having you people arrested. Happy days for me, indeed.
Nowell: Alright, just one more loser for me to...
Nine: Yes, just one more loser for Nowell to kaw! :-D
Nowell: Can I help you?
0¿0: I, MYSTERIOUS J. BIRDMAN, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOU ATE ONE OF MY BROTHERS! NOW I SHALL EAT YOUR LIVER AND USE YOUR INTESTINES AS A SURROGATE PENIS!
Nowell: Okay, now that just sounds wrong.
0¿0: WRONG? HA! YOU'VE NEVER BEEN SO WRONG ABOUT ME BEING SO WRONG BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE, MOTHERCLUCKER! NOW PREPARE TO DIE!
Eliminated: Adam Nowell
Nine: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! MYSTERIOUS J. BIRDMAN HAS WON MALL BRAWL IV *AND* IS THE NEW NORTH DAKOTAN JANITORWEIGHT CHAMPION! =-O
Malone: WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
Nine: WHY ARE *YOU* YELLING? :-)
Malone: Nevermind. I'm out of here.
(As Malone goes to get up, a portal opens, and a groggy Janitor Seven jogs over to it. Right before he's ready to jump in, he motions to Nine.)
Seven: Hey! You wanna come along for the ride?
Nine: If I jump into this portal, will I be free of Sphere's reign of terror? :-$
Seven: Sure will!
Nine: Whoo-doggy! :-D
(Nine hops through the portal, followed by Seven. The portal closes, leaving Malone confused.)
Malone: Swear to God, I'm booby-trapping my house next year.
0¿0: MUWAKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE! NOW THAT I AM THE NORTH DAKOTAN CHAMPION, I SHALL PAWN THIS CHAMPIONSHIP OFF TO THE BLACK MARKET AND USE IT TO BUY A NEW LAWNMOWER TO USE ON THE ELDERLY!
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Mooney here as the Living Legend and myself join you at the conclusion of Mall Brawl IV...Living Legend...Kevin Greene retains the Wominternopean Jobberweight Championship, but the North Dakotan Janitorweight Championship goes to the Mysterious Birdman, who is apparently going to pawn it, then use the money to buy a lawnmower!
Zbyszko: He comes anywhere NEAR me with that lawnmower, I'll put him in a headlock and make him recite the list of U.S. Presidents!
Adam Nowell vs. Hans Krueger
Nowell wandered over to Krueger, who was still doing the Snoopy Dance, and tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, Hans."
Krueger turned to look at Nowell.
"I believe that you have to meet Mr. Pointy now."
"Mr. Pointy? Are you suggesting that I suck your pe-- OOF!"
And the rubber stake that happened to belong to Adam Nowell was jammed straight into Krueger's mouth. Krueger spat out the stake in disgust, only to walk right into the Michinoku Driver. A three-count later, and Adam Nowell had won the match.
Nowell got up and shrugged.
He thought this whole Descension deal was a bad thing.
Adam Nowell left the ring.
There wasn't much more he could do, was there? He got his revenge on Krueger, and all was swell.
Then he saw her. Standing in the light whose source Nowell wasn't sure about. It was Sarah "the Jobber Slayer", who was taking one last gaze at Adam Nowell before she departed for the fWEo for good.
Nowell stared back at her, not in a longing, puppy-dog gaze like Sarah, but more of the "why haven't you left?" kind of stare.
Finally, Sarah spun on her heel and walked away from Nowell.
She tripped and fell on her way out.
Nowell would laugh for a whole day after that one.
Winner: Adam Nowell via pinfall
Graduation Day segments: Renner
Mall Brawl: Opening: Renner + Leary
MB Chapter I: Leary
MB Chapter II: Jack
MB Chapter III: Bort
MB Chapter IV: Bort & Renner
© 2003 BOB Wrestling! Sure, we'll take all the credit!