(Pan the interior of the UnfinshedDome, in beautiful Golpherburrow, Colorado. The pyro guys wave their sparklers and banners are unfurled. (Several highlights; 'Bohemoth ate my other sign', 'Streetmime " ":" " ' and 'Coma says, "Eek eek, snurgle BANG"')
Angus "Vince" McMadden: Welcome everyone to... uhh, what are we calling this one?
Jamal Tupac Mustapha: Ya gots me V, I don't even know what day it is...
AVM: Captain Twilight, any suggestions?
Captain Twilight: Don't look at me, Vince. We've been broadcasting so sporadically, you're lucky I even turned up.
AVM: Ok... Ahhh... Welcome everyone to...
The Road To Supercard IV!!!
JTM: Yeah, V. I'm cool widdat.
CT: Nice save.
AVM: And tonight sees the much anticipated Fatal Four Way.. Sergeant Genocide, Bohemoth, The Tiger and Homicidal Hank go at it for a Supercard shot at Hanks Intergalactic title! And remember the special stipulation.. If Hank should win the match then the title shot goes to.. STREETMIME!!!
JTM: Oh, yeah, thass gonna get da fans tunin' in all right.
AVM: And in support matches tonight, we've got a special time-filling six man tag. Also, Soem Guy in a Mask debuts, taking on Dr. Snare in an "Everything-but-the-kitchen-sink' match.
CT: You reckon that's a typo, Vince?
AVM: Apparently not.
CT: But first up its.. hey who mixed up the script? Guess we'll have to leave this one to Announcer Lad.
Announcer Lad: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing first, representing the Rogues Gallery, accompanied by the Rogue and Colonel "Pops" Khorne, from Anchorage, Alaska, HECTOR "CRUDE" OIL. If you have trash, prepare to shed it now..
(The soda cups fly for the heels as they run the garbage gauntlet to the ring)
AL: And his opponent, representing the Hubcap Gang (Huge pop), JAMAL TUPAC MUSTAPHA!!
JTM: Say WHATTT??
CT: That's GOTTA be a typo!
AVM: I don't think Hector cares, Cap. Here he comes, and he immediately starts slamming Jamals head into the table.
JTM: OWW!! OWW!! OWW!! Let me get da damn headset off at least!!
AVM: Jamal finally gets out his headphones off, just in time for a bodyslam on the floor! Hector drops a leg on Jamal. Brings him back to the table. Jamals head meets the wood for a second time.
CT: Are you okay, Jamal? Speak to us!
JTM: But I don't wanna go to school today, momma... I wanna stay an' bake cookies wit you..
CT: He's fine.
AVM: Hector drags him into the ring. Whips him to the ropes, flattens him with a side suplex.
CT: Jamal's showing some ring rust here. Crude Oil with a belly-to-butt suplex. And follows up with a Spinning Weasel suplex.
AVM: That looked just like the other one.
CT: Trust me. Jamal finally puts up some offense, with a couple of elbows. Leg sweep! Atomic Wedgie!!
AVM: Big headbutt from Crude stops that in a hurry. And an eyerake.. typical Gallery tactics there.
CT: I don't think Jamals got much chance here..
(The sound of stuff breaking fills the arena. Huge pop as Luke Warm leaps from the crowd.)
AVM: Luke Warm!! Luke Warm!! Luke Warm!!! The North American champion is all over Khorne.. He's signaling to the crowd...
CT: Can I do it this time, Vince?
AVM: Sure, go ahead.
CT: STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!!!! (Coughing fit)
AVM: Not as easy as it looks, is it?
AVM: Oxygen required at ringside. Now the Rogue gets a STONECUTTER as well. Hector slides out of the ring... and I do mean slides.. and now he's taking it to Luke Warm. The two of them are going at it furiously. Jamal is out on the floor as well, creeping up behind Crude Oil... Oil turns... STONECUTTER by Jamal!!! Jamal rolls back into the ring..
AL: The winner of this match, as the result of a Count-out.. JAMAL TUPAC MUSTAPHA!!
AVM: Unbelievable!!! Jamal wins! And listen to those fans as he celebrates in the ring with Luke warm, who's somehow managed to produce a couple of Yoo-hoos.
CT: We're never going to hear the end of this one, Vince.
AVM: That's for sure. Well as a jubilant Jamal rejoins us at the table, let's move straight on to our next match.
JTM: You see dat, V?? Who's da man?? Who's da man?? Yeaaaahhhh!!!
AL: This is a special six man tag team bout, scheduled for one fall. Introducing team number one...
(V/O: "OH, SO YOU HADN'T FIGURED IT OUT..." Hey we're working on it, okay?)
AL: Here is BILLY "BAKED ASS" BAKER and "ROASTED NUT" PETEY THE PEANUT GUY, THE NEWBIE AGED OUTLAWS!! And their partner.. HTB FLATLINE! Oh, and Mr.. Planters is there too..
(They three of them enter to "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?" The crowd pops, taking this as a reference to Bill "Roughrider" Murtough.)
AL: And their opponents.. LENNY "THE FORCE" BAXTER and MAD COW, BARNYARD FORCE FIVE, with HTB COMA!!! and I guess Madame Bovine as well...
("COTTONEYE JOE" is cued as the BFF make their appearance. Coma is dressed as chicken. Crowd gives an equally good reaction)
AVM: Well, the fans are divided on this one. Looks like Baxter and Petey are going to start things off.
CT: Yep, right into the good old collar-and-elbow tie-up.. big shove sends Lenny down to the mat. He rises and gets on the wrong end of a series of European uppercuts. Armdrag from Petey sends the smaller man to the canvas.
JTM: See, if I was in dis match, it'd be ovah by now..
AVM: I have no doubt about that. Bodyslam by Petey. Tags in the Baked Ass... double slingshot to the ropes and Lenny runs into a double elbow shot. Now a double atomic drop by the Outlaws. Ref finally herds Petey out of the ring, but the damage is done.
CT: Nice teamwork by the Outlaws. Lenny taking all sorts of punishment from the Satanic baker now. Standing drop-kick.. Plunging Neckline Suplex...and a leg drop.. cover by Billy..1..2.. kickout.
AVM: Billy tags in Coma . Coma immediately climbs the ropes and executes a 450 splash!
JTM: Now if he'd been aimin' INTO da ring, dat mighta paid off..
AVM: As Coma picks himself out of the remains of the Creepy Timekeepers table Lenny has managed to tag in Mad Cow. He waits for Coma to roll back in, and begins hammering him with forearm shots. Delivers a piledriver. Pinning attempt.. kickout at 2..
CT: Suplex by Mad Cow..
JTM: A plain vertical suplex.. Aint seen that fo' a while..
AVM: Mad cow gives Coma an inziguri.. No effect!!
JTM: It hit him in da head, whaddaya expect, V?
AVM: Coma tags in Billy again. Mad Cow and The Baked Ass collide in the center of the ring. Lefts! Rights! A jawbreaker from Billy.. Mad Cow lowblows the Baker! And slaps on a Native American Deathlock..
CT: Very PC, Vince.
AVM: Thank you.
CT: Billy struggles to reach the ropes.. He can't make it.. here comes Petey with a well-timed drop-kick to break up the hold. Mad Cow is outraged. He throws Billy into his corner and charges over to Petey.. the two of them exchanging blows now as Billy is getting worked over by Flatline and Lenny. Referee having trouble separating Petey and the Cow..
JTM: Was that like Chico and the Man?
AVM: Ignore him.. Billy staggers out of the corner as Mad Cow moves in for the kill... looks like he's going for the Bullrush.. yes, he picks up Billy and charges at a ringpost.. Billy slides of his shoulder and slams the Cow into the corner!! He actually flew right over the turnbuckle and hit the ringpost!! Both men are down!!
JTM: Damn, this match is good, V.. not as good as mine though.. da one I won, remember?
AVM: I'll ignore that. Both men crawling to their corners.. just inches away now.. Mad Cow tags in Flatline... And Billy reaches out to Coma!! Supercard preview coming up!!
CT: The HTBs race towards each other... and...... do-si-do in the center of the ring?
JTM: Aw, yeah.. theys gonna put on a good match at Supercard... Not!!
AVM: And now they appear to be performing a German Folk dance. Now this is something never seen in a wrestling ring before..
JTM: That's fo' sure.
AVM: Wait, Coma just slapped Flatline in the face!
JTM: That's what ya do in a German Folk dance, V..
CT: And how exactly do you know, Jamal?
JTM: Uhhh.. just call da damn match!
AVM: Anyway, Flatline has responded to that slap with a right cross. Coma fires back with a headbutt... and its all on again!! Powerbomb by Flatline on Coma... feathers fly from the impact! Picks him up and whips him to the ropes.. Coma ducks a clothesline.. and the HTBS sandwich the ref! he's down! And just like that, all six men are in the ring!!
CT: A complete slobberknocker has broken out... Lenny Baxter and Billy are pummeling each other in one corner.. Mad Cow and Petey tumble over the ropes in front of us and are struggling on the floor.. Flatline and Coma are mugging a soda vendor at ringside..
AL: This contest has been declared a time-limit draw. Thank you for your co-operation.
AVM: Well, while we get this sorted out, let's go to a commercial.
Hey, why don't you try "Papa Greasys Good Time Pizza House"? We suck, but we're cheap!
AVM: That was it? We still haven't got the ring cleared yet..
JTM: Well, why don't we take a look back at our first match tonight?
AVM: Oh, no you don't Jamal... Announcer Lad, do your duty.
AL: The following contest is an "Anything-but-the-kitchen-sink match", set for one fall. The rules are as follows.. Each competitor had 30 minutes to find whatever foreign objects he wanted for this match. The weapons are in separate dumpsters on either end of the ring... In the event of a time-limit draw, the match will be decided on originality and creativity of weapons used. This is a recorded announcement.
AVM: Good lad... that's filled in the time nicely
AL: Introducing first, Mr. Hard-core himself, from Jackson, Tennessee, DR SNARE!!
(Dr. Snare enters accompanied by Identity Crisis Man, who's dressed up like Dr. Snare. The crowd gets slightly confused at this.)
AL: And his opponent... (Lengthy Pause)... SOEM GUY in a MASK? Is this card correct? I mean, that's a typo, right?
(A guy in a mask enters. In desperation Vic plays "Hey Jude" by the Beatles.)
AVM: Guess Announcer Lad and Vic don't know anything more about this guy than we do...
CT: Well both men are in the ring now. Seom Guy has entered with a sink plunger, Snare is carrying an easy-to-assemble wine rack.
AVM: Jamal, you're the color man here...
JTM: Hey, back off wid dat racist s<BLEEP>, b<BEEP>ch..
AVM: You know what I mean! Any insights into Soem Guy?
JTM: Man, I don't know jack about dis dude. Maybe he just damn ugly.
CT: Snare and Smoe Guy lock up.. Soem Gyu begins by viciously beating Snare with his plunger. Snare responds with a swipe of his wine rack. Heavy blow on Smeo Uygs back.
JTM: Y'know, he'd do more damage wid dat wine rack if he'd put it together first...
AVM: Hey, those padded cardboard boxes are pretty devastating Jamal. Soem Guy attempts to ram his plunger into Sares face. Snare ducks! And the plunger is stuck on a turnbuckle. Snare has the upper hand now! He's whaling away with that wine rack.. Huge swat sends the Masked Man to the floor.
JTM: Dontcha mean the Msaekd Mna, V?
AVM: This is confusing enough as it is, Jamal. Soem guy stumbles over to his dumpster. He's got.. A Weed Whacker!! Good Lord... it's plugged in!!
CT: I can't look!
CT: Soem Guy advances on snare, the Weed Whacker buzzing ominously.. This could get bloody here folks.
AVM: Wait, there's some great thinking by I.C.M. He's yanked out the cord! Soem Guy pauses to see why his lawn trimmer has stopped and Snare nails him with the wine rack!
CT: Both men run to their respective dumpsters for another weapon. Personally, I think Seom Yug should stick with the Weed Whacker.
AVM: He cannae do it, Captain. He doesnae have the POWER!
JTM: You been waitin' yo whole life to say dat, haven't ya V?
AVM: Sue me. Snare grabs a framed print of Humphrey Bogart from his dumpster. Soem Guys got a pair salad tongs and a frying pan. They meet in the center of the ring. TONG-ASSITED LOWBLOW!! TONG-ASSISTED LOWBLOW!! TONG... ahh, you get the idea.
CT: Snare drops to his knees, and receives the frying pan over the head. Soem Guy covers...1..2...kickout by Snare. Soem Guy begins hammering Snare with the pan. Snare responds by slamming the picture of Bogie over Seom Guys head.
JTM: He's been framed!
CT: Both men are now duking it out in the ring. Elbow smash by Snare! Knee lift from SoemGuy. Ostrich Stretching Suplex by Snare. Soemguy with a Flying Jalepano Suplex!! Snare picks up Soemguy and drags him out to the apron. Snare Slam into the Dumpster!!! Both men inside the dumpster now, grabbing whatever they can find!
AVM: Snare smashes Soemguy with a DVD player! Soemguy returns the favor with a Boxed set of "Star Wars" Videos!! Snare finds a economy-sized jar of mayonnaise and lowblows Soemguy with it! Snares takes the advantage and sets Segymou up for a piledriver!
AVM: Soem Guys head hit something solid in there.. ref checks it.. and calls for the
AVM: The ref reaches into the dumpster and pulls out.. A KITCHEN SINK!!!
AL: Ladies and Gentlemen.. the winner of this bout, as the result of a disqualification, due to illegal use of a kitchen sink... SOME Guy... sorry SOEM GUY IN A MASK!!
AVM: Well, they did say it was an "Everything-BUT-the-kitchen-sink" match, I suppose. Anyway let's move on to our main event.. and this should be an STWF Classic. For whatever that's worth..
AL: This contest is the FUTILE FOUR-WAY match to decide the challenger for the Intergalactic Title at Supercard IV!! Introducing at this time, the special guest referee... "FLASH" FLANAGAN!!!!
(Flash enters to a slightly better reaction than usual.)
CT: Flanagan as referee? Why him?
AL: He said he'd provide his own striped shirt.
CT: Well that makes sense.
AL: Introducing now, from Richmond, Virginia, the former Intergalactic Champion... THE TIGER!!
(He enters to "Eye of the Tiger". Good reaction for the former champ.)
AL: Introducing second, from Kiev, Ukraine, SARGENT GENOCIDE!!
(Genocide gets to the ring without too much incident,as most of the fans trash was hurled at "Crude" Oil and the Rogue earlier tonight.)
AL: Now coming down the aisle, representing the Asylum Alliance, BOHEMOTH!!
(The big man comes in to "Hall of The Mountain King". Another good pop.)
AL: And finally, also representing the Asylum Alliance, the Intergalactic Champion... HOMICIDAL HANK!!
("Intergalactic" plays as the champ enters. Spike the geranium is wearing a teeny-tiny little replica of the belt. Huge pop.)
AL: Oh, and this match has been declared a LAST-MAN-STANDING match.. go to it boys!
AVM: And we're under way... and as expected, Genocide is swamped by the other three men right off the bat. Huge, clubbing fists from Bohemoth send the Ukrainian down to the mat. Diving headbutt by Hank. Elbow drop from the Tiger. Now he bounces off the ropes and Hank and Bohemoth launch him into the air... Genocide on the receiving end of a spiked Tiger-splash!!
CT: Genocide's in trouble early.. Hank drops a knee.. and catches Tiger inadvertently! Tiger rises to his feet and drop-kicks the champ. Bohemoth and Genocide are struggling in one corner, Tiger and Hank in the other. Genocide whips Bohemoth across the ring. OHH!! Just creamed both Hank and the Tiger, who never saw him coming.
AVM: Genocide picks up Hank. He wants that title shot all right. Eye rake.. Powerslam into a cover.. 1..2.. kickout by Hank. Tigers getting to his feet now.. Flying headbutt from Genocide sends him back down.. Genocide goes for a hikarana on Hank... hank catches him.. POWERBOMB!! Hank covers 1...2.. kickout by the sarge.
CT: The Tiger grabs Hank and back suplexes him. Bridges into a pinning combination..1..2.. Genocide drags Tiger off..
JTM: They forgot about Bo.. check it out.. hes on da top rope..
AVM: Bo goes for the SMASHER!! Genocide spots him and drags Tiger into the path of Bo... Bohemoth flattens him..1..2...3!!!! Tigers gone!
AL: THE TIGER, has been ELIMINATED!
CT: Three men left now, as the Tiger limps back to the locker room.. no chance of a Hank/Tiger rematch now...
AVM: Hank grabs Genocide and spins him round.. Belly-to belly suplex. Hank and Bohemoth high-five in the center of the ring.. and Bo clotheslines Hank!!
CT: Hank and Bo slugging it out now.. forearm smash from Bohemoth.. Hank gutkicks the big guy.. he's trying to bodyslam him!!!
JTM: Genocides got hisself a chair! Hank aint looking..
AVM: WHAM!! Hank gets the chair over his back. He goes down hard.. Bo covers.. Genocide pulls him off.. Genocide covers.. Bohemoth pulls him off.. Flanagan covers.. kickout by Hank!
CT: Flanagans getting a little excited I think.
AVM: Bohemoth picks up Genocide.. Gorilla presses the big man.. walks him over to the ropes and tosses him out!
JTM: Somebody shoulda moved dat dumpster..
AVM: Bohemoth turns to confront Hank.. and Genocide pops out of the dumpster.. and hes got a..a... what is that?
CT: I appears to be the original script for James Camerons "Titanic"!!
JTM: Thass gotta weigh a ton!
AVM: Bohemoth gets the full weight of that tome over his head, knocking him into the ring.. he's out cold..
CT: Hank shrugs and covers..1..2...3!!
AL: BOHEMOTH has been ELIMINIATED!!!
AVM: We're down to Hank vs. Genocide... Will the Gallery-ite get a title shot... or is StreetMime about to get the biggest push in history?
CT: I don't think this'll last long.. they're pummeling each other in the ring.. the fans are going nuts.. Leg sweep by Hank.. he straddles Genocide and begins a series of closed fists to the face.. Genocide brings up the knee and Hank is lowblowed!! They struggle to ther feet, and charge each other.. Flanagans in the way... OH!! Double clothesline on "Flash"
JTM: Say what ya want about him, he still takes a good bump..
AVM: Hanks first up.. he Grabs Genocide.. Powerbomb onto the chair Genocide used earlier.. and he's going for the Homicidal Hammer...This could be it... YES!!! He nails him .. covers... but Flanagan is still down.. There's no-one to count...
JTM: Check it out.. douja just jumped outa da fans.. he's got Spike!!
CT: douja is plantnapping Spike.. Oh, the humanity!
JTM: Thass not the type of pot plant he normally likes..
AVM: Hanks spots douja and chases him down the aisle... and here comes the Rogues Gallery from the back... Khorne, Crude Oil, the Aboriginals.. they're all out there.. except Tres' Sheik. And they fall on Hank like a pack of wild dogs.. He goes down under a rain of kicks and punches.. Khorne puts on the Jiffypop neckbreaker..
CT: Oil drags Hank down to ringside and slams him into the side of the dumpster!! They roll him back into the ring.. Genocide is up... ELIMINATOR!!ELIMINATOR!!! ELIMINATOR!!! Cover by Genocide!
AVM: Flash is moving...1....2...................3!!!!!!!!!!
AL: HERE is your winner, as the result of a Typical Gallery Screwjob, SERGEANT GENOCIDE!!!
AVM: It's over.. and Genocide gets the title shot at Supercard IV!!!
CT: And my sources tell me that's the first time Hank has ever been pinned in his career.
AVM: Well, he has lost 102 matches by DQ.. anyway.. we're out of time so for Jamal Tupac Mustapha and Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying so long, and don't forget to order SUPERCARD IV!!!
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