BQ: Royal Battle...
Jackhammer: Thirty competitors...
LT: The winna goes to da Supa Bo--
Mongo: It's a one-in-a-million-zillion-BILLION, chance, bay-ba, yeah!
Kamikazie: I will be the victor.
Mr. T: I will do my best.
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Renegade: I will...hell, whatever.
Nine: I w--
Heftel: I will lose.
Ken War: hardkorr!!11
And now...the fWEo presents...
LIVE from The Summit in Houston, Texas
January 18th, 2003
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME to Royal Battle, as presented by the fWEo! I'm Sean Mooney, and I'll be calling the action tonight, alongside my longtime broadcast colleague, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan!
Zbyszko: Call me that again and I'll slap you around like "Rock-N-Roll" Buck Zhumoff!
Mooney: Gorilla, the thousands of fans in attendance, as well as our pay-per-view audience watching around the world, LIVE on UPN, are no doubt excited to see this 30-man battle royal later tonight, where the winner goes on to meet Sphere at WrestleActionZone in April, in a match that will determine the first ever Sphere Heavyweight Champion.
Zbyszko: I'm not in that battle royal. Surely this is a conspiracy constructed by Vince McMahon Jr. himself.
Mooney: And speaking of title matches, it appears we're set for our first match of the evening, as we head down to ringside!
Virgil (c) vs. Barry Bladberth
Mooney: Our next contest is for the Million Dollar title! And now, let's go to Horowitz for the introductions.
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this match is scheduled for ONE FALL! Introducing first... he is a man who has fought his evil 7-Up addiction and is now clean and sober and full of pep and vinegar! He is BARRY BLADBERTH!
Mooney: Listen to this ovation, Larry! The fans love him!
Zbyszko: What ovation? What fans?
Bladberth: Doo doo doo.
Zbyszko: Look at this guy! No sense of psychology at all! He's singing and skipping to the ring!
Horowitz: His opponent! He's kind of salty, he's definitely not bitter... but he's no chicken! He is the Million Dollar Champion... VIRGIL!
Virgil: Yeah, chicken, you best believe that, chicken!
Mooney: And here's the champion, Larry.
Zbyszko: Once a lackey, always a lackey! Virgil is just a pawn in the human game of chess!
Zbyszko: Wait, who's that coming down to the ring?
Mooney: It looks like... yes, yes it is! It's John Comey! And I think he wants to say something regarding this next contest.
Comey: This match is UNSANCTIONED!
Mooney: Huh? What's Sphere doing here?
Sphere: Wait a minute! I already sanctioned it!
Comey: I'm sorry, but I partially handle you. Therefore, you have no control over me.
Sphere: Oh yeah? Watch this! *goes to poke Comey in the ear, but ends up partially floating*
Comey: See? Now float there and shut up, moron.
Mooney: And now Comey's in the ring? While Sphere just kind of floats backstage...
Comey: Hello, and welcome to the first ever ILLTHOUGHTOUT MATCH. Well, actually, I don't know if it's the first ever, coming from a place like THIS. Well, anyway, the rules are simple. I ask you two dimwits a series of questions, and I'll judge your answers. If you give me something I like, I'll let you hit a move, and if you give me something I don't like, you have to take a move and sell it. Are we clear?
Virgil: What did you say, chicken? I was too busy talking to this7 referee chicken.
Comey: *sigh* Referee, hit this clown with a clothesline.
Mooney: And the referee hits Virgil with a clothesline!
Comey: First question numbnuts...why are you here?
Bladberth: Because my daddy's condom broke.
Comey: That's honesty from a true moron. You get a bearhug from Virgin over there, and...
Virgil: Um, chicken, excuse me, but my name is Vi...
Comey: ...and then you'll hit him with a stone cold stunner, which he will not sell, so we can make the WWE look bad.
Bladberth: What's the WWE?
Virgil: I've heard of it...never seen it though.
Mooney: A bearhug from Virgil! Bladberth's trying to fight out and... yes, he does!
Mooney: And there a stunner by Bladberth! But wait! Virgil's still standing!
Virgil: That didn't hurt, chicken!
Zbyszko: No-selling is an EFFECTIVE weapon in the game of human chess!
Comey: Why am I here?
Virgil: Community service?
Bladberth: You're not sure?
Comey: Well, this may turn out to be a squash. Bladberth, hit Virgil with a pedigree, only to have Virgin kick out before a count of one.
Virgil: Now right there, you called me by my real name!
Comey: Yeah, I did Virgin. What's it to you?
Virgil: No no...Virgil!
Comey: That was a typo.
Virgil: But we're speaking!
Comey: Says you, fake champion boy.
Mooney: Pedigree by Bladberth! Bladberth drops down for a cover!
Zbyszko: And to prove just how much the glass ceiling is ineffective in the fWEo if your name isn't Sphere, Virgil kicks out before the one count.
Comey: Here's my next question for the two of you........ what's 2 + 2?
Virgil: Bismarck, chicken!
Comey: Wow, you're an idiot. Bladberth gets to hit you with a DDT. Now sell it for a two-count.
Virgil: Bah, chicken!
Zbyszko: DDT by Bladberth! Now Barry goes for the cover!
Mooney: And Virgil kicks out at two! Now both men get up and are now facing Comey.
Comey: Bladberth, this one is for you. How many licks does it take to reach the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
Bladberth: Um, I think it depends on the flavor in question. Like, with Cherry, I counted at least two hundred and sixty-one times, but with the Chocolate flavor, I counted just one hundred and eighty-nine times. There WAS this time that I had a Raspberry flavored Tootsie Roll Pop, but then Virgil stole it from me before I could test it, and then I cried very loudly. I also had a Grape, but Sphere stole that from me, too. I cried at that, too.
Comey: Um. Yeah. Sure. W/E. Bladberth, put Virgil in a rest hold of your choice. Virgil, you have to do the arm thing twice and come back for the third.
Mooney: Sleeper by Bladberth! Virgil's fading quickly here! Yes! He's down to one knee... and now he's in the seating position! Now the referee is doing the stupid little arm thing!
Mooney: It drops once!
Mooney: It drops twice!
Mooney: Wait! Virgil's fighting back! Yes! An elbow! And another one! And Virgil's free from the dreaded sleeper hold!
Comey: Now, anyone can steal this question...what is the fourth letter of the alphabet?
Zbyszko: In the game of human chess, that answer would be D. I've been called a D- human being many times.
Comey: Ok you old yutz, you get to make a run-in with a chair. Deck whomever you want with it...but if you don't decide who to hit in ten seconds, you have to hit yourself until you pass out.
*Twenty seconds later*
Zbyszko: Stupid gimmicked chairs in this game of human chess!
Mooney: Zbyszko is beating himself senseless here, so I guess I'll be taking over commentary for this match!
Entire World: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comey: Okay, next question for the two of you. Who is the current president of the United States? Now, I'll give you a hint: George W. Bush.
Virgil: Richard Simmons, chicken!
Bladberth: ...umm... could you repeat the question?
Comey: *slaps his head* Please. Both of you. Die. *sigh* You have to clothesline each other and sell it for nine seconds. Then a team of monkeys will throw their feces at you. Go.
Mooney: Double clothesline! And... wait... wait... what's that coming down to the ring?
Mooney: It's a team a feces-throwing monkeys!
Mooney: And Virgil and Bladberth are covered in feces, while Comey hides behind the relative safety of his sardonic wit, which is acting like a barrier!
Zbyszko: *holding his head and returning to the broadcast booth* Hey, what's that smell?
Mooney: Now the monkeys are leaving.
Zbyszko: Monkeys? I missed MONKEYS? This is truly a sad day in the game of human chess.
Comey: Ok, Virgin...
Virgil: For the last time, chicken, it's Virgil!
Comey: I'm sorry...did you just correct me, Virgin?
Comey: Just for that, I'm changing the winner of this match. Bladberth, you're the ne...
Virgil: Fine. I'm VIRGIN.
Comey: Now you're catching on. Go do your sucker punch thing...or your KFC finisher...whatever the hell it is...I need to go get my check for doing this shithole of a match.
Mooney: And Barry Bladberth goes down!
Mooney: Cover! One!
Mooney: Virgil wins! Virgil wins! Larry, what do you think of this tremendous match?
Zbyszko: *holding his head* I'll let you take my rook for a freaking asprin right about now.
Winner: Ken Courtney with 73 points (Virgil retains Million Dollar title)
Harbinger of Stupidity
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, up next we've got...
Zybszko: Whoa! What was THAT?
Mooney: I know not of what you speak of.
Zbyszko: Hey! The rulebook for the human game of chess specifically states that there be no blurry special effects!
Mooney: Look! There's Angel!
Zbyszko: I just don't get it, why was there a big blurry thing before this segment?
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, we are LIVE from the DREAMS of Angel, ONLY ON PAY-PER-VIEW!
Nowell: Oh, CRAP. I can't even leave the fWEo through my dreams? I truly am in Hell.
Sarah: Oh Angel! I love you SO much!
Nowell: No, scratch that, Hell has GOT to be a lot nicer than this.
Zbyszko: Does this pointless dream sequence really have a point? I'd like to go back to ranting on and on about how I beat Nick Bockwinkel and retired his ass.
Mooney: Wait! What are those things heading toward us, looking at us meanacingly while wielding what appears to be butter knives?
Nowell: Oh no, not these guys again.
An Army Of Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwiches: HAIL JELLITER!
Mooney: OH MY! MY GOD! MY GOD! HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!
Zbyszko: Hey, little bitch, you're being the wrong announcer.
Mooney: Oh. Sorry. But I mean, how could those evil PB&J sandwiches toss those chicken sandwiches into that toaster oven? That's CRUEL AND UNUSUAL!
Sarah: Angel, don't you think that's just mean? *pout*
Nowell: Please get out of my dreams. All of you.
Nitro Girl Siren (c) vs. Evil-Lyn
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for ONE fall...and hopefully MANY rises...and is for the North Dakotan Janitorweight Championship!
Mooney: Surely this next bout will be a fine display of technical wrestling, Legend.
Zbyszko: That's *Living* Legend, Mooney. Get it right or I'll spork your ass.
Horowitz: First, making her way to the ring....the special guest REFEREE.....CLAIRRRRRRRE!
Mooney: Here comes the lovely Claire, a member of the STUMP Squad, and the referee for this match!
Zbyszko: A member of the STUMP Squad's gonna be a REFEREE?
Horowitz: And now...the participants. Making her way to the ring, the challenger...weighing in at...oh, I'd just take a wild guess and say 130 pounds...and hailing from the FABULOUS city of Philadelphia, where, according to the internet wrestling community, alot of Kool-Aid drinkers reside...EVILLLLLL-LYNNNNN!
Mooney: Here comes the challenger, and let me tell you, she means business!
Zbyszko: Business has nothing to do with women's wrestling. It's all...pleasure. Speaking of pleasure, it's been all yours, Mooney.
Horowitz: And now....the champion....from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania....she is...NITRO GIRRRRRRRRL SIIIIIIIREN!
Mooney: You know, Living Legend, one HAS to wonder whether or not Evil-Lyn is thinking that Siren might have a mayonnaise jar stuffed down her pants, in an attempt to catch her off guard and end this match quickly.
Zbyszko: What the HELL did you just say? Mayonnaise jar?
Mooney: You'd realize what I was talking about if you've been paying attention to the fWEo for the past couple of weeks. Don't worry, though, even if some of the occurances on a typical Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker follow a pattern, it still doesn't make sense. That's what I'm told, anyway.
Zbyszko: Who told you that?
Mooney: Some beggar.
Zbyszko: What a moron.
Mooney: There's the bell! And there they...wait. What are they doing?
Zbyszko: That's called a collar-and-elbow lockup, Jerkface.
Mooney: I...I know that...but...hmph. Oh well, guess I still have to call it. Siren wins the lockup, putting a headlock on Evil-Lyn....Siren switches sides on the headlock...goes around, and now she has Evil-Lyn trapped in a hammerlock!
Zbyszko: I wouldn't say she's "trapped" now....there's a few ways she can get out of this. That is, if she's mastered the game of human chess. Furthermore....she's a woman. Women don't master.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn reverses it and puts Siren in a hammerlock of her own! But Siren reverses it and now has Evil-Lyn in a full nelson!
Zbyszko: There's no way that one chick's gonna get the other chick to say "uncle" with a weak full nelson like that! She has to put more pressure on!
Mooney: Oh boy! You bet she does!
Zbyszko: Calm down, Porky.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn breaks out of the full nelson, go-behind....waistlock on Siren....Siren with a go-behind...waistlock on Evil-Lyn....now grind, dammit, grind!
Zbyszko: I'm about to dump my coffee all over you.
Mooney: Oh, um, excuse me. Evil-Lyn throws a back elbow right at Siren, and it's enough to cause her to release the waistlock...Evil-Lyn off the ropes, Siren drops down, Evil-Lyn hops over her, off the ropes, Siren's up....and she hiptosses Evil-Lyn! Evil-Lyn back up.....but Siren with another hiptoss! Evil-Lyn back up again....and a dropkick sends her to the outside!
Zbyszko: SWEET JESUS!
Mooney: Evil-Lyn is taking a breather on the outside...it's obvious that she has to re-think her game plan here if she wants that North Dakotan Janitorweight Championship belt.
Zbyszko: Wait, DOES she want it?
Mooney: I...guess so. She *is* going up against the champion here.
Zbyszko: Well, maybe she doesn't want the title. Don't we have non-title matches here? Back in my day, that was a great way to put young talent over! On the other hand, it was also a way to make young talent look important, right before they got squashed in the title match. There were also rare occassions where the champion went over in a non-title match, which I didn't think made sense unless *I* was the champion. They still do that anywhere?
Mooney: I'd answer your question, but Claire's up to seven on her count here...Evil-Lyn has to get back in the ring, or else she'll be counted out of this match....and there she goes, rolling back into the ring.....but she rolls back out!
Zbyszko: Absolutely masterful.
Mooney: Claire's starting the count again....and Evil-Lyn's taking a walk around ringside...but it appears that Siren doesn't want to win the match this way! She goes on the outside, and the chase is on! Siren is chasing Evil-Lyn around the ring.....Evil-Lyn crawls into the ring, gets up....Siren slides in...and Evil-Lyn stomps away!
Zbyszko: Come into my litter box, said the kitten to the mouse.
Mooney: Where'd you get that one from?
Zbyszko: Why, I made it up myself, of course.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn with an elbowdrop, back to her feet, another elbowdrop...back up...a third! Cover!
Mooney: No! Siren kicks out!
Zbyszko: It looks like Evil-Lyn has a plan here, but it's gonna take alot more than a few elbowdrops to win that title.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn clamps on a sleeper! Is it smart to use a sleeper this early in the match, Living Legend?
Zbyszko: In this promotion? Sure.
Mooney: Perhaps it *is* too early...Siren's already powering up...both women are up to their feet...Siren throws an elbow into Evil-Lyn's midsection....and another! And another! Evil-Lyn's released the hold, Siren goes to run off the ropes, but Evil-Lyn reaches out and yanks her down by the hair! That CAN'T be legal!
Zbyszko: Claire's gotta get in there and do something about this if we're gonna have a fair fight here.
Zbyszko: Wait, what am I saying? I'm the LIVING LEGEND. Cheat all you want, I don't care who you are.
Mooney: Claire's warning Evil-Lyn here, and it looks like Evil-Lyn's claiming that she didn't touch Siren's hair! Siren's up....Evil-Lyn with a kick to the midsection, sends Siren into the ropes, ducks down....Siren with a sunset flip and she takes Evil-Lyn over!
Mooney: No! Evil-Lyn claps her legs against Siren's head to break up the count! Both women slowly getting to their feet....Siren charges, misses clothesline, off the ropes, Evil-Lyn puts her head down.....Siren hooks her....backslide!
Mooney: No! Evil-Lyn escapes it!
Zbyszko: Now THAT wasn't a smart move on Evil-Lyn's part. She should've learned to not put her head down after that sunset flip! Women.
Mooney: Both women up....Siren goes for another clothesline, Evil-Lyn ducks....neckbreaker! Cover!
Mooney: No! Siren kicks out!
Zbyszko: Now Evil-Lyn's thinking! See, she had that clothesline of Siren's well-scouted.
Mooney: Evil-Lyn picks up Siren off the mat....and sends her back down with a HARD bodyslam! Evil-Lyn off the ropes now....legdrop, and a cover!
Mooney: No! That's still not enough to keep Siren down!
Zbyszko: Sure it is! It's enough to keep her down for TWO SECONDS, Mooney. Geez, get with the program.
Mooney: I have one right here. This is the second match, and we still have three to go, including the 30-man, over-the-top-rope Royal Battle battle royal!
Zbyszko: Evil-Lyn's going back to the sleeper! If this doesn't end the match, then I don't know what will. It's just common sense!
Mooney: Siren appears to be out of it! I think this WILL be the end of the match!
Zbyszko: I said it first.
Mooney: Claire lifts Siren's arm...that's one....
Mooney: Claire lifts Siren's arm again....and it drops a second time! One more and this match is over!
Mooney: And....thr...NO! Siren's balled up both her hands into fists and she's fighting out of it! Evil-Lyn can't believe it, and neither can I!
Zbyszko: I can. I knew she'd get out of it all along.
Mooney: They're up to their feet....Siren throws an elbow into Evil-Lyn's stomach....and another....and another...she goes to run, Evil-Lyn's gonna grab the hair again!
Mooney: NO! Siren puts the brakes on, ducks out of the way, grabs Evil-Lyn from the side, hooks her.....side Russian legsweep! She can't make the cover, though....now both women slowly getting up, Evil-Lyn holding the back of her head....
Zbyszko: Work the head, hussy!
Mooney: Evil-Lyn charges, Siren ducks, both women bounce off the ropes.....flying forearm by Siren! Now Siren's headed up top....fistdrop off the top rope! Cover!
Mooney: 3! Siren wins!
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, and STILL North Dakotan Janitorweight Champion....SIIIIIIIIREN!
Mooney: Siren wins a very hard-fought contest here tonight at Royal Battle to retain her title, Living Legend.
Zbyszko: Well, that was about as close as you're gonna get to real, down to Earth, human chess in this promotion, unless you get me in there, so I'll give it my semi-approval.
Mooney: Praise from the Living Legend himself! Folks, as we get ready for our next match, I can't help but wonder if a certain individual backstage is looking at the monitor in shock over the way this match went down...
Sphere: What...what did I just see? Can someone tell me? Of course not, because no one else is in here, and I HATE EVERYONE ANYWAY! You put THREE women in a ring together and you get an actual WRESTLING match? I must be in some alternate universe!
Winner: Nitro Girl Siren by pinfall to retain title
This Kid Needs A Valet
Black Quicksilver stood backstage with his protege', the 1-2-3 Kid.
"Alright, Kid. We've got a slight problem here. See, this battle royal we're in later tonight...it's every man for himself, and that means I can't help you.", BQ told his charge.
"No, no, it's every MAN for himself! I'm a kid! You can help me!", Kid pleaded.
"Although you're probably right, it'd be stupid to end this little skit right now, so just to drag it out a little longer, I'm going to disagree with you and say that you need a valet to accompany you to the ring for this match. Any ideas?"
"What was that for?", Kid asked BQ, holding the side of his face.
"I'm sorry I had to do that, but remember what I told you when I first took you under my wing?"
"I don't think I remember anything you've ever told me."
"Oh. Well, since you forgot, I'll reiterate. Claire is mine. She might not know it, but she's mine. Pick someone else."
"Uh....hmm...how about Siren?"
Sphere walks into camera view.
"That red-head is mine, you little bastard! Ha!", Sphere said to Kid before he casually walked away.
"You better think of someone else, just to be safe.", BQ told Kid.
Bam Bam Bigelow walks into camera view.
Bigelow celebrates and walks away, as BQ shakes his head.
"You know, I should slap you again for thinking of HER. I mean, she doesn't even work here! Think of someone else."
"She works here?"
"Probably. Now that I've mentioned her."
"Oh.", BQ casually says, as he pulls some sort of championship belt (which is on white leather) out of nowhere, and tosses it in a nearby trashcan. "Can't have anymore of these kind of championships around here. It's one-third of the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title, you know."
"Hey, who's the champion right now, anyway?"
"Got me. Now...c'mon...let's give it one more try."
Sister Payne walks into camera view, and instead of slapping Kid, kicks him square in the nuts. She then walks away, seconds before Evil-Lyn walks into camera view.
"What happened to him?", she asks BQ.
"I know what you mean."
"Hey...I bet you're kinda down after losing that match, right?"
"Well, how would you like to be involved, albeit in a minor role, in the main event tonight?"
"See, my friend here needs a woman to accompany him to the ring and shout words of encouragement to him from the outside. I figure you're someone who could not only encourage him, but threaten him if he screws up alot...and since I'm the one teaching him, I'm guessing there's going to be a WHOLE lot of threats. Whaddaya say?"
"You had me at "woman"."
"Great! Hear that, Kid? I just scored you a girl!"
Kid, still covering his crotch, looked up at BQ. "I need some ice."
Mega Job vs. Janitors Seven & Eleven
Steve is LOCKED IN A CAGE AT RINGSIDE!!!
Zbyszko: I think I hear what can only be described as... wait, is that "Shake Your Bon Bon"? By RICKY MARTIN?
Mooney: I am shaking my tush to the Latin beat!
Zbyszko: Please stop.
Beef: GAH! Which one of you idiots couldn't find the Soul Coughing CD?
El Janito: *sheepishly raises his hand*
Beef: You moron! Now we're gonna be the laughing stock of this federation!
El Janito: We already are.
Mooney: And here comes Mega Job, along with Steve! Now, folks, you might notice that the cage we have tonight isn't actually a cage, and it's because this match is TOO HARDCORE for cages!
Zybszko: Also because Sphere was too cheap to actually buy a cage and we're having this match under "honor" rules.
Mooney: Now, please, fans, order our pay-per-view, LIVE ON UPN, this Sunday on January 18th, 2003... live from the SUMMIT in Dallas, Texas!
Zybszko: How in the BLUE HELL will they order this PPV if you're hyping it ON ITS OWN TELECAST?
Zbyszko: *sigh* You're not even a pawn in the human game of chess.
Mooney: And now, it's time to listen to "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast, Larry! Let's get down and BOOGIE!
Zbyszko: I'd like to keep whatever's left of my dignity, thanks.
Janitor Eleven: Okay, meanieheaded Seven, we have to meanieheadingly remember that these meanieheads have never ever ever beaten us. They're meanieheaded wussie boy meanieheads. Are you meanieheadingly following me, meaniehead?
Janitor Seven: Um... what?
Janitor Eleven: Meanieheadingly good! Now let the two of us meanieheads go out there and smash apart those other meanieheads!
Janitor Nine: Er, guys? Do I get a say in this? :-/ Guys? GUYS?! Hey! Come back! :-(
Styles: Hey, guys!
Mooney: Styles? What are you doing here?
Styles: OH MY GOD! I'm commentating for an fWEo show!
Zbyszko: The intelligence level of this match has reached an all-time low and we haven't even gotten to the blown spots yet.
Mooney: All four men are in the ring, while the referee "locks" Steve the Rambling Communist up in the cage.
Zbyszko: All he's doing is holding plastic bars!
*ding, ding, ding*
Mooney: And here we go! This should be a tremendous contest, as both of these teams are brother teams who will no doubt surprise and amaze us with their high flying abilities.
Styles: OH MY GOD! That was a load of crap, Mooney! I've seen Mark Shill make a more credible claim than that!
Zbyszko: I like you already, Styles.
Styles: OH MY GOD! What was THAT supposed to be?
Mooney: A beautiful dropkick by Janitor Seven to start this match off!
Zbyszko: I've seriously seen Erik Watts do a better dropkick.
Styles: Yes, and OH MY GOD, Janito's still standing after that miserable 1.1 Watts dropkick!
El Janito: What in the sodding hell was that?
Janitor Seven: I was going for a flying headscissors! Now... now I think I'm gonna tag Eleven in and hide my head in shame.
Mooney: And now, Seven tags in his brother, Eleven!
Zbyszko: They're not even brothers! They don't even look related!
Styles: OH MY GOD! El Janito just tagged in Beef! Now Beef is... um... a little help here, what in the HELL is he doing?
Zbyszko: I dunno, but I bet Mooney has an idea.
Mooney: Look at the athleticism of Beef, running around in circles around Janitor Eleven!
Janitor Eleven: What in the holy blue meaniehead?
Styles: Janitor Eleven simply stuck his foot out and Beef tripped over it! OH MY GOD!
Zbyszko: Hey, Styles, did I ever tell you about the time that I beat Nick Bockwinkel?
Mooney: Larry, this is a three hour broadcast.
Zbyszko: Oh, right. I'll tell you ALL about it afterwards, about how I checkmated that old bastard in the human game of chess.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Mooney: What? WHAT?
Styles: There's a sale at Sears! Half off for everything! OH MY GOD!
Zbyszko: LET ME SEE THAT! Daddy needs a new set of golf clubs!
Referee: Um, guys? There IS a match going on.
Janitor Nine: Yeah, really! :-O
Referee: Who are you?
Janitor Nine: I'm... I'm Janitor Nine! The Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion! See my belt? :-D
Referee: Oh. ...so, do you work here?
Beef: Hey, Steve! Help us out here!
Beef: Aw, nutbunnies. Stupid honor system! Okay, then! Give Janito the power of the left big toe!
Mooney: What is Steve tossing to El Janito?
Styles: OH MY GOD! It's the dreaded POWER OF THE LEFT BIG TOE!
Zbyszko: Yes... El Janito is slipping on a large brass ring on his left big toe. I knew there was something up when he came out with only one boot on! The sneaky bastard may indeed be ahead of the human game of chess!
Mooney: Janito swings!
Styles: OH MY GOD, HE MISSED!
Zbyszko: Yes... he missed, and Janitor Eleven didn't even MOVE.
El Janito: Bloody hell!
Mooney: And a beautiful side suplex, planted right in the center of the ring! What a maneuver by Dino Bravo!
Zbyszko: *smacks Mooney in the head* Why do we let you live, Mooney?
Styles: Yeah, OH MY GOD, that was a clothesline delievered by Janitor Eleven that sent Janito over the top rope and to the outside. WHAT match ARE you watching, Sean?
Mooney: Only the greatest that the fWEo has to offer!
Styles: And, OH MY GOD, Janitor Seven just blew a BASEBALL SLIDE! If this is the best the fWEo has to offer, then no WONDER you people lost to BOB! Repeatedly!
Janitor Seven: *holding his nuts* MEDIC!
Zbyszko: Now Janitor Eleven is taunting Steve!
Janitor Eleven: Aww, poor little meanieheaded Steve, locked in his meanieheaded cage! You big meaniehead!
Mooney: Steve is reaching through the cage, trying to grab Janitor Eleven, but that steel is SOLID!
Zbyszko: It's plastic.
Styles: OH MY GOD! What is that bum doing with Janitor Seven?
Janitor Nine: Where does it hurt? :-/
Janitor Seven: Did... did I ask for a bum... or a medic? Go away!
Janitor Nine: :-(
Mooney: Wait a minute! El Janito is on the top rope! It could be time for his infamous and devastating Five Wanker Frog Splash!
El Janito: This one's for Tony Blair!
Mooney: HE LEAPS!
Zbyszko: And, of course, he missed. As if there was any doubt.
Styles: Janitor Seven didn't even MOVE! OH MY GOD!
Zbyszko: All who think this match is the worst thing ever, say "aye".
Styles: OH MY GOD, AYE!
Mooney: This is the best match ever!
Mark Shill: THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!
Styles: Go back to BOB, Shill.
Mark Shill: Awh. :-(
Mooney: But wait! Beef's back in the ring, and I think he's going for the Epic Beef Drop!
Styles: OH MY GOD, IT CONNECTED!
Zbyszko: The Epic Beef Drop connected and Janitor Seven's actually selling it? I am awash in a sea of confusion.
Styles: OH MY GOD! A COVER! ONE!
Styles: OH MY GOD! JANITOR SEVEN KICKED OUT OF SOMETHING!
Janitor Seven: ...sorry... must... keep... remnants... of... dignity... ow.
Beef: I'm never going over with that move, am I?
Mooney: Look out! Here comes Janitor Eleven! Yes! There's the elbow drop, which I think he calls the Clean Sweep!
Zbyszko: Why did he name his ELBOW DROP? Who does he think he is? Abdullah the Butcher?
Janitor Eleven: Now I shall drop another on you!
Styles: OH MY GOD! JANITOR ELEVEN JUST DROPPED AN ELBOW ONTO HIS OWN PARTNER!
Janitor Seven: ...spleen... crushed... damn you...
Styles: OH MY GOD! Steve is trying to get into the ring through his cage! What a competitor!
Janitor Eleven: Hey! Meanieheaded referee! Get rid of that meaniehead before he rips the meanieheaded ring apart trying to get in, what with the meanieheaded cage and all!
Referee: Uh, okay.
Mooney: Now El Janito's sneaking up on Janitor Eleven!
El Janito: Hey, you bloody blighter! Turn the sodding hell around!
Janitor Eleven: Oh no! I know your meanieheaded game! You're going to hit me with something as soon as I meanieheadingly turn around!
El Janito: No! I won't! I'll, uh... I'll bloody give you some biscuits!
Janitor Eleven: BISCUITS! MEANIEHEADINGLY YES! GIMME!
Mooney: And the Power of the Left Big Toe puts down Janitor Eleven! Janito covers!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
Mooney: Three! Three! Mega Job have DONE IT!
Zbyszko: Done what? Huh? I was too busy thinking about my next great rant about the human game of chess to notice.
Styles: Right, OH MY GOD! Zbyszko, it's been a pleasure working with you. Mooney, I hope you get cancer.
Mooney: Thank you! I love you too!
Styles: OH MY GOD, I'm SO leaving, and I'm NOT coming back until the Royal Battle Battle Royal!
Styles: I mean it!
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, we have more great action after this seggiemint that'll inevitably follow this match!
Zbyszko: Seggiemint? What?
Winners: Mega Job via pinfall
Mooney: Look! It's Adam Nowell again! And it's NOT a dream!
Nowell: Doo doo doo...
Zbyszko: What's that in his hands?
Mooney: Um, I dunno.
Zbyszko: What a frickin' surprise.
Mooney: Ah, and here comes the other half of the new first couple of wrestling.
Zbyszko: First couple? If this is a couple, why isn't she back at their apartment, barefoot and halfway to being perfect?
Mooney: Is it just me or does Nowell seem a bit agitated at her arrival?
Zbyszko: I don't know and I don't care. But Sarah can take a one way trip to Larry Land anytime she wants.
Nowell: Hello, Sarah! *holds up a needle*
Sarah: Hey Angel. Whatcha doin'?
Nowell: Oh, nothing much. *holds up a Sarah the Jobber Slayer voodoo doll*
Sarah: Hey, that kinda looks like me. But, as the old saying goes, why play with a puppet when you can play with the real thing?
Nowell: I dunno, I think playtime's at hand as we speak. *pokes the needle into the doll's left arm*
Sarah: Oww. I think I just got bit. There's so many nastees back here.
Nowell: *grinning maliciously* What kind of nasties?
Sarah: Angel, I know why you made the doll of me. It must be because you just can't stand the thought of not hearing my voice. Or seeing my face. Or the rest of me.
Sarah: Let's face it, I'm a hottie.
Nowell: *holding the doll over an open fire* I'll say.
Sarah: I'm so hot right now. So, later, its us against, um, the world *wipes her forehead*. Let's save...the, um, here from jobbers. And stuff.
Nowell: Jobbers, you say? *steps on the doll's head*
Sarah: *Singing* I'm alone....yeah I don't know if I can face the night....I'm in tears....and the crying that I do is for YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
Mooney: Sarah has just broken into song for no apparent reason! This can't be good.
Zbyszko: For my golf score!
Nowell: Please, god, stop singing. *stabs furiously at the Sarah doll's midsection*
Mooney: Well this is strange. Sarah is now doing the "Robot."
Zbyszko: That's not the Robot you pawn. That's--
Sarah: You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out. You put your left foot in and shake it all about.
Mooney: Oh no, she just accidentally kicked Nowell in the groin during the left foot in and shaking it all about bit.
Nowell: Ow! *falls over... right on top of the Sarah doll.*
Zbyszko: Is that voodoo doll retarded?
Sarah: Man, it feels like the weight of the world's on my shoulders....Do you like dolls?
Nowell: ...not... not any more... no.
Sarah: *Teehee* You talk funny.
Nowell: You're not exactly the patron saint of voice talent there, Sarah.
Sarah: *Picks up the doll* I could be the one to take care of her sometimes if you need a helper. Can I take care of her?
Nowell: Er... yeah... sure... whatever.
Mooney: Nowell is walking away.
Sarah: Wait, Angel. Where are you going?
Nowell: To... uh... get some ice... yeah...
Zbyszko: What the hell is that?
Mooney: I dunno!
Sarah: Hey, you're the first Jobber Slayer. Man, you're really sagging now.
First Jobber Slayer: Falling Over The Top Rope To Save Angel Is Your Gift.
Sarah: Falling Over The Top Rope To Save Angel Is My Gift?
First Jobber Slayer: Falling Over The Top Rope To Save Angel Is Your Gift.
Sarah: That's not a gift. That's...jobbing.
First Jobber Slayer: This confusing appearance is over.
Nowell: *points at where the First Jobber Slayer just vanished* Excuse me if I'm going to sound intactful, but... WTFMF!?!?!??!
Sarah: Do you like dolls?
Sarah: *Teehee* You talk funny.
Nowell: ............I feel like I've HAD this conversation before, are you broken or something?
Sarah: *Picks up the doll* I could be the one to take care of her sometimes if you need a helper. Can I take care of her?
Nowell: Right. I'm leaving.
Sarah: Wait, Angel. Where are you going?
Nowell: *humming his next words* I caannnn'tttt heaaaarrrr yoooouuuu!
Mooney: Oh no. Nowell just ran into The First Jobber Slayer!
First Jobber Slayer: Hey, this wasn't in the script.
Sarah: *Throwing the doll at the First Slayer* I'm going where I'm needed. By Angel's side in the Royal Battle Battle Royal!
Nowell: Listen, First Slayer... if you kill me now, I'll be eternally grateful to you.
First Jobber Slayer: This place makes no sense. *She suddenly vanishes* SEE?
Sarah: Well, no, actually.
Zbsyzko: But wait! The First Slayer had the voodoo doll with her! Does that mean Nowell's doll is gone now too?
Nowell: Well. Back to the drawing board.
Mooney: And Nowell walks right to a large chalkboard that's labeled "drawing board"!
Nowell: HEY! Stop drawing that tail on my cactus!
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Nowell: ...No... please tell me I didn't just say that out loud. GOD DAMMIT!
Sarah: La Parka, listen to me. Listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is the work that I have to do. Tell Styles I... tell Styles I figured it out, and I'm OK. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. La Parka, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live... for me.
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Sphere vs. Texas Kid
Horowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for MANY insults! Making his way to the ring, hailing from Stamford, Connecticut, and weighing in at 230 pounds, the TEXAAAAAAAAAAS KIIIIIIIIIID!
Mooney: Texas Kid, coming down to the ring now, where he has an UNBELIEVABLE task ahead of him, as he meets the President, the owner, and the Commissioner of the fWEo, Sphere. This match is taking place due to Texas Kid's inability to run the promotion smoothly in Sphere's place many weeks ago.
Zbyszko: Yeah, like this thing has EVER run smoothly.
Mooney: Texas Kid also may want some revenge for getting one of his contracts terminated the same week this match was signed, as he was competing here in the fWEo under the name "Scott Hart" as well, that being his real name of course.
TK: Dammit, Mooney, there's no one else here! I can hear you! I'm not Scott Hart!
Mooney: Of course, that contract was terminated once he showed up as a surprise entrant in a battle royal held by that OTHER promotion, and for some very, VERY strange reason, he showed up in that same promotion as a color commentator a couple weeks later.
Zbyszko: Yeah, and he did a real bang-up job, too.
TK: Hey, I might not be that good of a color commentator, but that WASN'T ME!
Horowitz: And now...making his way to the ring, his opponent AND his master...from what this card says, anyway....he doesn't believe that any of the morons watching out there needs to know how much he weighs or where he's from, and he already expects everyone to know of all his accomplishments....he's the Supreme Master Ruler of Mankind....the man that every other man wishes they could be.....the sex machine that all the women talk about.....he is.....SPHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRE!
Zbyszko: I know I can't remember much from all those years of shooting up and letting it all go to my ass, but I swear to God that he stole that "master" line from me!
Mooney: I thought you were a Buddhist, Larry.
Zbyszko: That's "Living Legend", dumbass.
Mooney: Let's...refrain from the name-calling and call this match!
Zbyszko: What match? Sphere hasn't even started to walk to the ring yet!
Mooney: Hey...you're right! Sphere's just standing there at the top of the ramp looking up and stretching his arms out....
Zbyszko: What the HELL?
Mooney: Oh my! An explosion going off, and there's sparks flying everywhere around Sphere, who's still just standing there!
Zbyszko: Since when does ANYONE in this promotion get their own pyro?
Mooney: Well, he *is* the owner....and the President....and the Commissioner. I'm guessing that he is...allowing himself to have his own pyro!
Zbyszko: I don't care who he is! In my day, NO ONE had pyro! Hell, no one had entrance music!
Sphere: And no one had the ability to keep the crowd's interest either, douchebag! Hoo-ha!
Mooney: Sphere flips Zbyszko the bird as he steps in between the ropes....in the ring now, just smirking in our direction....and there's the bell!
Mooney: Sphere turns around, and trips over a spur on Texas Kid's boot, causing him to fall face-first onto the mat!
TK: Whoops, must've forgotten to take that one off. I'll just....hey, wait, he's down!
Mooney: Texas Kid wins! Texas Kid wins!
Zbyszko: This just proves that the only reason I'm still working here is to please all my fans.
Mooney: Folks, as the referee checks on Sphere, we're going to head backstage, where we'll hear from all thirty participants in the Royal Battle match, which is NEXT!
Winner: Texas Kid by pinfall
Heftel: Thirty men...or...mostly men, and some women....and then there's some inanimate objects, too...anyway...thirty com-pet-i-tors...and if I get my way, I'll be the FIRST one thrown over that top rope!
ken war: hardkorr!!!111
Bam Bam: When Bam Bam wins the Royal Battle, he's gonna kill the punk who took his Hanes! *celebrates*
Mr. T: I forsee an athletic contest of epic proportions. May the best man win.
Reginald: It's the biggest match in the fWEo's history, so you can bet on seeing at least ONE...VelJohnson-A-Rooni.
Kamikazie Ken: Once again I climb to the rafters. When will I crush myself and my enemies? Only time will tell. When will I get out of the hospital? Only time will tell. When will I get a less painful job? Only time will tell. Where was I?
Evil Smokey: I'm bouts ta eat every bitch in dat ring, ya heard? Now, some cracka betta tell me who stole my boy's tape!
Razor Ramon: Hey, mang. Maybe Da Bad Guy will be the one...who's headed...to Slamboree!
Sarah The Jobber Slayer: Royal Battle. 29 jobbers? No big. There isn't any wiggins going on here. And did I mention that I absolutely love Angel?
Mongo: A shot at the title! Mongo's gonna go cray-za now, bay-ba!
Nine: Hey, I'm gonna win this thing and... hey... where are you all going!? :-(
Nowell: Sphere, you will die for this. I mean it.
BQ: Oh yeah, it's Royal Battle time, and rest assured, Black Quicksilver will be rockin' and rollin' his way to victory!
Cherry 7-Up: ...
"Hacksaw: HOOO! You know what, there's gonna be alot of TOUGH GUYS in that ring, but they don't come no tougher that good ol' "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan! HOOO!
123Kid: Yeah, it's, uh...the 1-2-3 Kid, and with Evil-Lyn by my side...hey, maybe I'll win this thing, you know?
Warrior: The tomatoes have aligned with the avocados, and the turnip gods have proclaimed that the winner of the Royal Battle, machomanrandysavage, will be...THE WARRIORRRRRAARRGGHH!
Insano Mano: ¿No tengo ninguna ocasión en ganar esta noche? Nada pero poopooheados en el fWEo.
Jackhammer: Ooh, I'm Jackhammer. Scary.
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Senor Funpants: I'm still in this thing?
Waru: Am I looking at the camera?"
Kay Fabe: Finally, Kay Fabe, has come to Royal Battle to lay the carpet down on all the chunky monkey's asses, because nobody in pink hell will eliminate the Lesbian. One by one, everyone will taste the Lesbian's tongue, and one by damn one, they will taste Kay's Bottom."
Kevin Greene: RRR...RUFF! I'm eating! GRRR...
LT: There might not be any end zones in the ring, but Numba 56 is goin' to San Diego!
Renegade: What? *shrugs*
30 Man Battle Royal
Mooney: Living Legend, the time has arrived...
Zbyszko: This company just went out of business? Thank the Lord!
Mooney: No, no. It's time for our main event!
Zbyszko: Now that sucks worse than '95.
Mooney: Perhaps, but...wait, what is Sphere doing back out here? There appears to be a moist towelette on his forehead, held there by a piece of scotch tape, most likely to cover up the injury he sustained in his match with the Texas Kid earlier this evening. He's walking up to some sort of podium to the right of the entrance way....
Sphere: God dammit, Mooney, SHUT THE HELL UP!
Mooney: And he has a microphone.
Sphere: I'm out here because it's time for the MAIN EVENT. It's time for the 30-man battle royal, where the winner gets to face ME, the Supreme Antichrist Mega Heel himself, for the Sphere Heavyweight Championship at WrestleActionZone, LIVE on April 13th! Yes, I know some of the competitors in this match aren't men, but I'm not about to rename it a 30 "person" battle royal, so screw all you politically correct jerkoffs.
Mooney: Sphere's really...
Sphere: I'm not finished, Little Bitch!
Mooney: He's talking to me.
Zbyszko: I could've told you THAT even BEFORE I won my first World Title.
Sphere: Anyway, a person is eliminated once both their feet touch the arena floor. As for the intervals...no, it isn't every two minutes. You see, I'll be standing here, and I'll randomly be picking a piece of paper from this hat. On each piece of paper is a description of someone in the battle royal. Once their description is called, they must enter the ring.
Mooney: Surely this will be an exciting contest.
Sphere: I need to buy a few more cattle prods. So, let's begin, shall we? Number one...well, this is a special one, as I have THIS description tucked away safely in my pocket...
Mooney: What? Folks, this can't be fair! Sphere reaching into his pocket....pulls out the piece of paper...
Sphere: If your name starts with "B" and ends with "lack Quicksilver", then congratulations! YOU are the first entrant in the first-ever Royal Battle match!
Mooney: And here comes Black Quicksilver! Although he's a very popular superstar, he's been at odds with Sphere lately, which leads me to believe the number one drawing was rigged somehow...
Zbyszko: Oh, please. You think everything's rigged! You probably think the outcomes of all those contests back in the American Wrestling Association were pre-determined!
Mooney: Quicksilver slides into the ring, and let's see who drew number two...
Sphere: If you're big...if you're bad... if you're a big jobber with a puppy, AND you have a girlfriend named Sarah, then YOU'RE NUMBER TWO!
Mooney: And Adam Nowell gets shoved through the curtain!
Nowell: God dammit, Sphere, I'm not Sarah's boyfriend. I'd kill you if I didn't have this match.
Sphere: I don't doubt that for a second. Now get your sorry ass to the ring.
Mooney: Nowell reluctantly making his way to the ring now....
Zbyszko: Hey, what are those ham-n-eggers doing?
Mooney: It appears as if the fWEo preliminary wrestlers are attaching two huge objects to seperate ringposts...I can't make out what they are...
Sphere: Before this match starts...two things. First, Angel, you might want to listen to this. There's a one dollar bounty on Quicksilver's head. Whoever eliminates him from this match gets one dollar.
Nowell: Only a dollar?
BQ: I'm worth a dollar! Whoo!
Sphere: Second, I've stolen a sliding board and a diving board from the set of WCW's "Bash At The Beach". Anyone in this match may feel free to use them as they see fit. That is all.
Mooney: And we're off!
Zbyszko: They're just standing there! It's like a junior high dance!
BQ: C'mon! Come and get me!
Nowell: I don't want no dollar.
BQ: But...but I'm a vampire! An EVIL one!
Nowell: Good for you.
BQ: I suck!
BQ: Wait, wait, don't say anything there.
Sphere: Uh, hello? The Ladies Room called...they want their STALL back!
BQ: Chicks? Where?
Nowell: Huh? SARAH? NO!
Mooney: And Nowell jumps into BQ's arms, trembling with fear!
Nowell: You're scared, too?
BQ: Yes, but not for the same reason you are. I'm trembling with fear because I'm holding a GUY like this.
Sphere: Alright, I think it's time for the number three entrant. Let's see what we got here...if you love tattoos and cartwheels, then COME ON DOWWWWN!
Mooney: It's Bam Bam Bigelow!
Zbyszko: Why does he keep stretching like that?
Mooney: Word from the back says that someone stole his pair of Hanes underwear earlier this evening.
Zbyszko: So he's not wearing any underwear?
Mooney: I'm afraid not. BQ puts Nowell down...they're gonna try to double-team Bigelow here, which is actually a smart move.
Zbyszko: How is that possible? Did someone with talent steal Quicksilver's wardrobe and run down to the ring?
Mooney: We got some clubberin' going on!
Nowell: I can't believe I'm doing this.
Bigelow: Do either of you guys have my Hanes?
Nowell: No. Go die in a ditch.
BQ: I don't either. And what's with the brand name placement? Couldn't you just say "underwear"?
Bigelow: Bam Bam's tryin' to make some cash, brotha.
BQ: Please don't call me that. We don't share parents.
Mooney: Nowell's abandoning the double-team, and he's chosen to sit Indian-style in the corner.
Zbyszko: NOW who's smart, Mooney?
Mooney: I still want to shake my tush to some Latin beat.
Sphere: Oh, hey, whaddaya know, it's time for the next entrant. If you wear a mask, then YOU are number four!
Mooney: It's Mr. T!
Zbyszko: And La Parka!
Mooney: And...Insano Mano?
Zbyszko: Waru? How'd he manage to get out here?
Mooney: Folks, it seems like we've got a few confused superstars here.
Mr. T: It appears we've run into quite a quandary here.
Waru: I don't know what's going on or who just said what or how many other people are here, but this is quite the quandary.
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Mano: Sí, también convengo con el hombre asiático oculto.
Mr. T: Well, friends, I propose a game of "Rock-Paper-Scissors", in which the winner gets to...
Sphere: T, no one knows what you're saying! Now just shut up, and I'll randomly select which one of you gets to go to the ring...
Mooney: Look! In the ring!
Zbyszko: It's Kamikazie Ken!
Sphere: Uh...Kamikazie Ken!
Mooney: The other masked wrestlers heading to the back now...except for Waru, who falls off the edge of the ramp....Kamikazie Ken apparently leaped into the ring from the rafters, and is now completely unconscious in the middle of the squared circle!
Sphere: Yes...Kamikazie Ken. He's a complete moron, folks. Let's get the next competitor out here, shall we? Ah-he-hem....if you are a big-breasted, redhead Lesbian who dabbles in witchcraft and wants to sleep with me and be converted to Team Sphere, you are number five!
Mooney: That can only be one person...
Zbyszko: No one's coming out!
Sphere: Alright, alright...fine. Forget the last part.
PA: IF YOU SMELLLLLL...WHAT THE LESBIAN...IS COOKING!
Mooney: It's Kay Fabe!
Sphere: NOT! Hehehehehehe! I got you SO good!
Mooney: Oh my! Sphere just got hit in the side of the head with a tampon!
Kay: Make any more comments like that toward Kay Fabe and you will feel Kay's Bottom!
Sphere: Um, can I just touch it without making any more comments?
Kay: Declare me the winner now and you can *she slides her hand up and down her backside a couple of times*.....hmm...actually, Kay Fabe says you are a man. And therefore you will never...and Kay Fabe means EVER EVER EVER, will your hands touch the Lesbian's ass!
Sphere: Lovely. Now get your Lesbian ass to the ring.
Zbyszko: Look at her SHAKE THAT ASS!
Mooney: Kay Fabe making her way to the ring...
Kay: Awwwww, crap. BQ is the closest thing to a woman in here.
BQ: Boo-yah! Pay up!
Mooney: And Bigelow hands BQ a five-dollar bill!
Kay: BQ. Do you want to go one, on, one, with this lesbian?
BQ: You actually refer to me by my initials? That's creepy. And, I'm sorry, but I suck at basketball, so I don't think I'd try to take you on.
Mooney: And Kay Fabe is bitch slapping Black Quicksilver. She licks the palm of her hand, from the tips of her fingers to the palm of her hand, and rocks him into the corner with a mega-bitch slap.
Zbyszko: Whatever happened to the good old days when women were barefoot and pregnant and making my dinner?
Mooney: Those days ended when the police arrested all the hookers you were housing, I do believe.
Zbyszko: Don't remind me! I missed tee time at my country club that week!
Sphere: Okay, I'm tired of all this bitch-slapping that's taking place. I only like bitch-slapping when it's two girls, or when *I* am the one doing the bitch-slapping, thank you very much. If you were the rightful star of a sitcom that ran from 1989 to 1998 which focused on a African-American family that resided in Chicago, then you're number six!
Mooney: That's Reginald VelJohnson's music...but where is he?
Zbyszko: I don't know, but that annoying song sure does have the attention of all the conscious wrestlers!
Mooney: Yes...Black Quicksilver, Bam Bam Bigelow, Adam Nowell, and Kay Fabe are all looking up at the entrance way, while Kamikazie Ken is still out cold in the middle of the ring.
Zbyszko: Who's that coming in through the crowd?
Mooney: It's Reginald VelJohnson! And nobody sees him! He...well...TRIES to hop the guardrail, it takes him a while....and he's in the ring...
Zbyszko: The moron just tripped! He forgot to tie one of his shoelaces!
Mooney: And now everyone sees him! Nowell over to grab him...
VelJohnson: No, wait! I gotta do the VelJohnson-A-Roo...
Mooney: Nowell dumps VelJohnson over the top rope! Reginald VelJohnson is the first man eliminated from the Royal Battle!
Zbyszko: Nowell has a point now, right?
Mooney: No, no. That's a different promotion's battle royal you're thinking of, and that one is still a little over a week away.
Zbyszko: Is it? Feels like it already happened.
Sphere: Reginald VelJohnson. He's a big, dumb animal, folks. If no one can understand a goddamn word you say, then get out here. You're number seven.
Mooney: It's Mr. T!
Zbyszko: I'll treat my mother how *I* want to treat her. That goes for your mother, too, Mooney.
Mooney: My father, too?
Zbyszko: Is your father a mother?
Mooney: My mother's a mother.
Zbyszko: I DETEST you.
Mooney: Back to the action here...wait, is Mr. T wearing a tie?
Zbyszko: Yeah, that's what grown men usually wear, Polly Prissypants.
Mr. T: Gentlemen, please, stop fighting.
Mooney: I don't know what Mr. T is trying to tell the other competitors in the ring, but they've all just been standing there for last few minutes...
Mr. T: I say we should resuscitate this unfortunate man in the middle of the ring, and since there are six of us, we pair off into three groups of two, and make it look like we are attempting to eliminate each other. Yes, I will teach you the fine art of resting during a match. Now, to be fair, the two women will go in one group...
BQ: Why are you pointing at me? What's going on?
Bigelow: Bam Bam sees you wearin' a tie. You wearin' Bam Bam's Hanes, too?
Mr. T: I assure you, I'm currently sporting a lovely pair of Fruit of the Looms.
Bigelow: You betta an-sa Bam Bam, punk.
Mr. T: I just did.
Bigelow: Looks like you gonna be missin' some teeth!
Mooney: And Bam Bam Bigelow cartwheels right into Mr. T!
Mr. T: That hurt! Watch where you are going next time, or I will give you a stern talking-to!
Zbyszko: That vampire-cover-boy is sitting in the corner again!
Nowell: Must kill Sphere....must...rip his eyes....out of his head!
Mooney: Meanwhile, BQ cartwheels right into Mr. T! Bam Bam doesn't seem too happy about that...
Bigelow: Yo, punk!
Bigelow: Why you stealin' Bam Bam's moves? You already said you didn't steal his Hanes, but Bam Bam SAW you steal his move!
BQ: I didn't steal it. I borrowed it. I like to borrow.
Zbyszko: What's T doing?
Mooney: It appears that he's approaching Kay Fabe, which could turn out to be a mistake...
Mr. T: Hello, I was wondering if...
Mooney: Bitchslap by Kay Fabe!
Sphere: Okay, that was SORTA entertaining...if you have yet to reach puberty and love the color blue, then you are entrant number eight!
Mooney: It's your favorite and mine, the 1-2-3 Kid!
Zbyszko: Screw the Kid!
Mooney: Of course, he's accompanied to the ring by Evil-Lyn, who has unintentionally grabbed the attention of Kay Fabe!
Zbyszko: Surprise, surprise. The idiot Kid just tripped over Kamikazie Ken! Can he do anything right?
Mooney: Well, you must remember, Rob Bartlett, that the Kid, for the first time in his fWEo career, is not under the tutelage of Black Quicksilver...
Zbyszko: And that's a DISADVANTAGE?
Mooney: Black Quicksilver is his mentor, and due to the every-man-for-himself nature of this match, Quicksilver cannot help him tonight.
Zbyszko: He could. He just probably doesn't want to. That Kid's a complete moron.
Mooney: And Bam Bam Bigelow is stomping away at the 1-2-3 Kid!
Bigelow: If you wearin' Bam Bam's Hanes, you betta not piss in 'em!
Mooney: Meanwhile, Kay Fabe is leaning in between the first and second rope, attempting to get Evil-Lyn's attention...
Zbyszko: Where the hell did Kay Fabe get those bright orange flags from?
Mooney: I'm not sure I want to know.
Sphere: Jesus Christ, they're not making out yet? Let's see who number nine is....hmph. If you use alot of smiley faces or some crap, then get out here.
Mooney: From what we're told, that's Janitor Nine. We don't know much about him, but there's a rumor that he's currently a champion.
Zbyszko: THIS guy is a champion? I'm telling you, anyone can hold a title these days.
Mooney: Even me?
Zbyszko: Okay, maybe not you. Unless they bring back the six-man tag titles and you join the Rainbow Express.
Nine: Look! It's the unconscious body of Kamikazie Ken! =-O
Zbyszko: What's he doing?
Mooney: Look! An eagle!
Zbyszko: I hate this job.
Nine: Hello? :-\ Please acknowledge my existence, Mr. Unconscious! :-(
Mooney: Yes, it seems that Janitor Nine is trying everything to get Kamikazie Ken's attention. Wouldn't that lead to Kamikazie Ken trying to do something else insane and ill-advised?
Zbyszko: How should I know? I'm not a flippy floppity guy. I was a GRAPPLER, dammit.
Mooney: Wait...Kay Fabe, who's had her eyes on Evil-Lyn for the past few minutes, has scaled the ropes...and she's walking onto the diving board!
Zbyszko: She's going to speak for all of us by committing suicide!
Mooney: Well, I knew she liked diving, but I didn't know it was *this* kind of diving. Wait, was that your line, Larry?
Zbyszko: I don't know, I'm supposed to get the script for this match in about two weeks.
Mooney: Kay Fabe jumps off the diving board....right onto Evil-Lyn with a Thesz press!
Zbyszko: Holy CRAP! A Thesz press! I think I'm gonna have a heart attack!
Mooney: Not again!
Kay: Kay Fabe saw you were drowning out here on the floor and has come......to protect you, or something.
Evil-Lyn: Um...thanks, I guess. I'm not use to this "valet" thing.
Kay: You're doing a fine job. But you could rotate your hips a little. That will make you an even better valet.
Evil-Lyn: You mean when I'm walking back and forth and pretending to cheer the guy on?
Sphere: SHE MEANS NOW! RIGHT NOW!
Kay: What he said. Hey, are you looking at the Lesbian's cantaloupes?
Kay: Melons. Rack. Yum-yums.
Evil-Lyn: No thanks. I'm not hungry. Especially with you, you know, laying on top of me and all.
Kay: Well, Kay Fabe would get off, but Kay Fabe hasn't yet. Perhaps you could join me for a drink later at my hotel room? You bring the bathrobe....Kay Fabe will bring the defribilator
Waru: Yay! I finally made it to Starrcade!
Zbyszko: Where the hell did he come from?
Mooney: He fell off the ramp earlier...but it appears that Waru's somehow found his way to ringside. I can understand why we all missed it, due to what's going on at the bottom of the ramp....right...now...
Sphere: Dammit, Waru. Well, yeah, you're number ten, sucks for us. Now someone get him in the frickin' ring.
Mooney: Nowell is looking right at Waru as he continues to utter those three words...
Waru: Um, who must die?
Mooney: And Nowell reaches through the ropes and grabs Waru by the throat! He must see Sphere in Waru's place! Nowell now pulling Waru into the ring, and he's giving him the beating of a lifetime!
Zbyszko: Look, that goof Kamikazie Ken is moving!
Kamikazie: Holy crap, I actully *hit* the ring?
Nine: Finally! Now you can eliminate me! :-D
Kamikazie: I think I need a thermometer. I must not be feeling okay.
Mooney: Nine attempts to hand Kamikazie Ken a thermometer...
Kamikazie: Nobody has a thermometer? Darn.
Nine: Hey! I'm right here! >:o
Mooney: And Kamikazie Ken just sneezed.
Nine: Yuck! You sneezed on me! You sneezed right all over me and it's all gooey! :'(
Kamikazie: Hmm. Something, is making me allergic. I think it's dust!
Nine: I'm not dusty! :-(
Nine: Stop sneezing on me. I might catch your cold. :-(
Nine: What is it that Eleven says... oh yeah... YOU BIG MEANIEHEAD! >:o
Kamikazie: Can't..*ACHOO*...stop *ACHOO*...sneezing!
Nine: I'm going to punch you if you don't stop sneezing! >:o
Kamikazie: Hmm. That was quite unexpected. I sneezed so hard I farted.
Zbyszko: Nine NAILS Kamikazie Ken! Who knew he had a set of balls?
Kamikazie: Yowza. I didn't know my sneezing was so offensive. And now you're mad at me. But I know what will solve our relationship.
Mooney: Where is Kamikazie Ken going?
Zbyszko: He just grabbed something from under the ring!
Mooney: He's going to... wait, what's that oblong-shaped thing?
Zbyszko: It's not a weapon? He must be *really* sick.
Kamikazie: Just a short while ago, I won the coveted Brawlers On a Budget Stupid Bowl I football. Signed by one of the stars of the SuperBowl. Though I can't quite read who. But, my friend, I will allow you to touch this big prize as a peace offering between us.
Nine: Ooh, really?
Kamikazie: Well, I WAS gonna show it to that Janitor Nine guy... but, yes, really.
Mooney: What a valueless prize Janitor Nine now holds in his hands!
Nine: Hey, Ken! GO LONG! :-D
Zbyszko: Football? What about the human game of chess!
Kamikazie: I'M OPEN I'M OPEN!
Mooney: The bum tosses the football!
Zbyszko: With a flubbed toss like that, it's obvious he's no legend.
Mooney: Kamikazie Ken just made a SPECTACULAR catch! But in doing so flew over the top rope and crashed through a ringside table!
Zbyszko: Wait! The Referee is ruling it an incomplete pass!
Mooney: Oh, what a shame for Kamikazie Ken. He's unconscious and can't challenge the ruling on the field.
Sphere: Was that boring or WAS THAT BORING? Entering at number eleven is someone who has a misdirected obsession for some vampire wannabe and an unhealthy banana-fixation. This entrant also talks funny.
Sphere: Oh, and now you're ALL going to die! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Nowell: No. No no no no no no NO!
Mooney: It's Sarah the Jobber Slayer!
Zbyszko: What's the red-head doing?
Mooney: It appears as if she's making her dismount!
Kay: Did you see Evil-Lyn attack me! Slayer her Sarah!
Mooney: Now Kay Fabe looking back at Evil-Lyn and whispering something to her...
Kay: If she beats you into traction, Kay Fabe will take great care of you. I'm in Room 223.
Sarah: You see this invisible 10 foot pole? Not even touching that one. But I do see Angel, and he is somebody I'll gladly poke.
Zbyszko: The red head's leaving? She didn't even do anything!
Mooney: Sarah gets into the ring, and she grabs Mr. T by his tie!
Sarah: I guess we'll have to change your name to Mr. C-U-Later.
Zbyszko: Whoa! She yanked him over the top rope by his tie!
Mooney: Now she turns her attention to the 1-2-3 Kid...
Sarah: OK. The choice is simple. You can either eliminate yourself, or I can do it for you. I'll give you three seconds to decide. One....
Kid: What was that again? WWBQD?
Mooney: Sarah the Jobber Slayer sends the 1-2-3 Kid over the top rope with a palm strike!
Zbyszko: A PALM STRIKE? I don't care who you are or who hit you with it...you NEVER get eliminated with a PALM STRIKE.
Mooney: What if it were Jushin "Thunder" Liger executing the maneuver?
Zbyszko: I don't like that guy.
Mooney: How come?
Zbyszko: He once had a Tomer on his brain.
Mooney: He had a *tumor*.
Mooney: Wait...wait just a minute...I don't think the Kid's been eliminated! He's hanging on to the top rope...I think only one foot's hit the floor!
Kid: Only one! I'm not out yet!
Ref: Actually, you are. I might be the only person alive who sees it, but your second foot hit the floor already. That probably wasn't supposed to happen, but unlike other people, I'm not going to overlook it.
Mooney: So, yes, the 1-2-3 Kid is definitely out of this match.
Zbyszko: Praise be to God Himself.
Mooney: Sarah turns around...and it looks like Black Quicksilver is her next target!
Sarah: Ever tasted a size six stylish yet affordable boot?
BQ: Many ti--
Mooney: Sarah with a thrust kick sends Quicksilver over the top rope...and...what's this? The 1-2-3 Kid is lying on his back on the arena floor, and he's pushing BQ up onto the apron with his feet!
Zbyszko: Now wait just a minute here! How are they parodying this year's when it's still another twenty-four hours away?
Mooney: I'm not quite sure, but Sarah the Jobber Slayer is in full control of this match now...she shoves Janitor Nine out of the way...not sure why she chose not to eliminate him....
Zbyszko: Hey, I think she's looking for her boyfriend!
Mooney: Yes, perhaps she's looking for Adam Nowell...and I think he's hiding behind Bam Bam Bigelow! Sarah seems to think that, too...
Sarah: Hey big boy...I hear you can't find your Hanes, but if you move out of my way, I'll give you mine later tonight.
Mooney: Bigelow celebrates his way out of the corner...and....no! It wasn't Nowell hiding behind Bigelow, but Waru, instead!
Sarah: Tee-hee. Good one.
Mooney: Sarah shoves Waru out of the way...and there's Nowell! He was holding Waru in front of him!
Zbyszko: He couldn't outsmart a BLONDE?
Nowell: Aw, man, you're useless, blind man.
Waru: Who said that?
Nowell: I did
Waru: I don't know who you are, but I'll have you know that if I could see you right now, I'd give you a right bashing.
Sarah: Angel! You're...
Sphere: If you, well, die alot, then get out here and get slaughtered. Number twelve.
Mooney: It's Ken War...who wastes no time in getting into the ring!
Ken War: hardkorr!!11
Sarah: I'll spare you the witty remark.
Zbyszko: Sweet Mary of Jesus! She...she ripped him apart, Mooney!
Mooney: Yes she did, Lord Alfred...and now everyone in the ring...well, except for Waru...are picking up all of Ken War's body parts and dumping them over the top rope! Ken War has been eliminated! All of him!
Sphere: You think that satisfied me? If you have more talent than almost all the fWEo roster combined...that'd be excluding myself, of course...and you weight no more than a single dumbbell, then you're lucky number thirteen!
Mooney: What does everybody want?
Zbyszko: A GOOD job?
Mooney: No! Stump!
Zbyszko: That joke got old four years ago.
Mooney: I don't know how, but Stump's in the ring...and Quicksilver is back in, after coming close to elimination at the hands of Sarah the Jobber Slayer...Quicksilver picks up Stump...
BQ: Yeah, I'm all nostalgic, too.
Mooney: Look at Quicksilver go! He nails Waru with Stump!
Zbyszko: And Bigelow!
Mooney: And...okay, maybe not Janitor Nine.
Mooney: He's gonna go after Adam Nowell now...
Nowell: I'm probably going to be sorry for asking this, but what are you and that wooden block thing doing?
BQ: Stump and I are trying to elimidate you. It's the name of the game, after all.
Nowell: And you think you're gonna eliminate me by gently poking that thing against my chest?
BQ: It's a possibility.
Mooney: Sarah the Jobber Slayer has just noticed that Nowell is close to elimination, and she's headed in his direction!
Nowell: So, is it a bit late to eliminate me with that thing?
BQ: I'd say. I don't want her to kill me!
Nowell: Well, what do we do then?
BQ: We should move out of the way.
Mooney: Quicksilver and Nowell move out of the way of a charging Sarah...but Stump's still there!
Zbyszko: I don't think she sees Stump, Mooney!
Mooney: I can't believe it! Stump just sent Sarah the Jobber Slayer over the top rope with a back bodydrop! Sarah the Jobber Slayer has been...eliminated?
Zbyszko: And Sarah isn't moving on the floor. You don't think she's....
Mooney: She's, what?
Zbyszko: I don't know. I'm lost here.
Nowell: FREE! FREE AT LAST! WHOO!
Mooney: Nowell is dancing. Oh, this is a horrific sight!
Nine: You dance like a monkey who's crapping at the same time! =-O
Nowell: If I knew who said that, I'd punch them in the face!
Waru: Oh, God, I hope it's not me.
Mooney: Wait. Get the camera into position. I think we're about to have some plot development. Sarah's eyes just opened. And she sits up quickly and looks into the ring at Nowell with wide eyes!
Nowell: SHIT. Why, God? Why have you forsaken me? What have I done to deserve ANY of this?
Sarah: Angel. Why didn't...hey....why can't I...climb onto the ring apron...what the? OH NO! Not again!
Mooney: And Sarah is running away from the ring, like a girl!
Nowell: Well, at least I'm safe for the remainder of the match!
Mooney: Bam Bam dumps Nowell from behind and celebrates!
Zbyszko: Never say that again. At least while I'm around.
Bigelow: That dollar is Bam Bam's, punk!
Nowell: Fine. Whatever. I'm leaving.
Waru: If someone's in my way, watch out!
Mooney: Waru just threw what appeared to be a practice dropkick, and he connected with Bam Bam Bigelow! Bigelow is gone from this match!
Zbyszko: What the hell? A dropkick from that guy was enough to send Bigelow over the top rope?
Mooney: Well, yes, apparently. The ring has been cleared out just a little within the past few minutes, and still in there are Black Quicksilver, Stump, Waru, and Janitor Nine.
Zbyszko: Yeah, a GREAT collection of athletes...
Mooney: Quicksilver and Stump are taking a breather, even though it appears Janitor Nine is ready to go....and Waru is trying to climb up that sliding board!
Sphere: If you're a third-rate knock-off of a popular star from the 1980's who liked to paint his face and give the worst promos ever, then you're number fourteen.
Mooney: Here comes the Renegade!
Sphere: What have I just done? He bores me. If you're only purpose is to look refreshing, then you're number fifteen.
Mooney: It's a bottle of 7-UP!
Zbyszko: I hate that stuff. It doesn't make me go to the bathroom.
Mooney: A bottle of 7-UP hits the ring...and it immediately goes after Stump! Look at them, just TEARING into each other!
Zbyszko: What's that masked buffoon doing?
Renegade: Is there a reason you keep punching me in the shin?
BQ: I'm slowly weakening you.
Renegade: Is that so?
Mooney: Renegade grabs Quicksilver...backbreaker!
BQ: I...didn't know...I'd actually...bump...in this match...
Sphere: If you're a crack addict who paints his face and rambles on and on about absolutely nothing, then YOU are entrant number sixteen!
Mooney: It's the ULTIMATE WARRIOR!
Zbyszko: Yeah, he'll bring this match out of the gutter for sure.
Mooney: Warrior slides into the ring...and...did he just shoulderblock Janitor Nine?
Nine: Contact! :)
Mooney: He might've just accidentally bumped into him, guess we'll never know for sure...but he's going right for Renegade!
Warrior: Renegade! The One who has stolen everything of the Warrior's! You have stolen the Warrior's trademarks, the Warrior's mannerisms, the Warrior's repertoire, the Warrior's fine hos...and for that, YOU MUST FEEL THE WRATH OF THE WARRIORRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRRGGHHH!
Warrior: The Warrior commands you to bounce off the ropes, while the Warrior himself bounces off the ropes on the other side of this Coliseum that we refer to as the squared circle, and when we meet, we shall take each other down with the maneuver known as the double clothesline! For THIS is the showdown for all ages, as we stand here, alone in the ring.
Waru: Hey, I might be on the sliding board, but I'm still here!
Nine: I'm here! Well...sorta... :(
BQ: I mean, oh, yeah, I'm here. Frickin' stiff botched a backbreaker, but I'm still here!
Renegade: There's no way I'm going to help you recreate that spot.
Mooney: And there goes Warrior! He clotheslines Renegade...and falls to the mat!
Zbyszko: Renegade didn't even clothesline him! And he never budged off Warrior's clothesline, either!
Mooney: Well, that's the Warrior for you. Renegade lifts Warrior off the mat....and sends him over the top rope! The Ultimate Warrior has been eliminated!
Warrior: Surely this is a dark day in the history of the Warrior. But I WILL be back, and get my revenge on you, mrperfectandbobbythebrainheenan.
Mooney: The Warrior disappears in a cloud of smoke...and...Living Legend, look!
Zbyszko: Big deal. He's at the top of the sliding board.
Waru: I'm at the top of the sliding board! And I did it ALL BY MYSELF! And here I go! WHEEEEEEEEE!
Mooney: Waru slides down the sliding board.....and hits the floor! Waru's gone!
Sphere: We need more TALENT in that ring. If you are both refreshing AND cherry, then COME ON DOWWWWN! You're number seventeen!
Mooney: First you say WHOA, then you say YEAH! It's a bottle of Cherry 7-UP!
Zbyszko: You're a horrible play-by-play man.
Mooney: And you're old.
Zbyszko: So? I'm the one getting booked in Nashville to wrestle punks named A.J.
Mooney: Bravo, Gorilla.
BQ: Gah! Stop the madness!
Mooney: A bottle of 7-UP and a bottle of Cherry 7-UP are mercilessly double-teaming Black Quicksilver!
BQ: Save me, Stump!
Zbyszko: Stump can't save him! It's every man for himself!
Mooney: That is true, Johnny Polo.
Nine: I'll save you! :)
BQ: For the love of God! SOMEBODY save me!
Sphere: Hehe. I love this. Everybody hates Quicksilver. Let's get someone else out here who will do my evil bidding. Number eighteen is...crap. Someone who loves America and carries a GOD DAMN 2x4.
Mooney: It's "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan! A man loved by men, women, and children alike.
Zbyszko: He can't bring that 2x4 into the ring!
Mooney: Sure he can! And he's rescuing Black Quicksilver! Look at those bottles of soda scatter!
Duggan: Lemme help you up, tough GUY!
BQ: I don't trust you! You're gonna take that dollar and move to Canada!
Mooney: Quicksilver kicks Duggan low!
Zbyszko: He kicked him right in the Sunshine State!
Mooney: And Renegade with a clothesline!
Zbyszko: Wow, he showed us the one move he can do.
Sphere: I know I should be doing something about this, since I *am* God...but...looks like I'll just have to call in the next entrant. If you're always drunk for no reason and have a ridiculously fake accent, then you're number nineteen. Get out here and save this match.
Mooney: It's the Bad Guy, Razor Ramon!
Zbyszko: Why does it feel like everyone's being rushed out to the ring?
Mooney: That's because everyone *is* being rushed out to the ring. I mean, look who's in charge.
Zbyszko: Well, I'm just surprised Ramon was able to get in the ring.
Mooney: Ramon's going right after the bottles of soda...but he is quickly overpowered by them!
Zbyszko: This is pathetic.
Mooney: It looks like they're gonna toss him out....no! What...what just happened?
Zbyszko: The green one just nailed the red one from behind and chucked him over!
Mooney: Yes...a bottle of 7-UP eliminated a bottle of Cherry 7-UP when his back was turned! I thought these two were friends!
Zbyszko: I know it's every man for himself, but there's no way I'm gonna call those things "men", so that means I actually have to wonder what's up with the double-cross.
Mooney: A bottle of Cherry 7-UP is absolutely furious....there's an argument going on here...
Zbyszko: Ramon's up, and he looks thirsty!
Mooney: He just grabbed a bottle of 7-UP!
Razor: Hey, chico. You might not be alcohol, mang, but you gonna quench...the thirst...of the BAD GUY!
Mooney: Razor Ramon downs the entire bottle of 7-UP...and tosses it over the top! Now a bottle of Cherry 7-UP is all over it, and these two are going to have to be seperated by the ref, here...folks, anything can happen in the fWEo!
Sphere: If you're the only person in the battle royal who speaks an officially recognized foreign language, then you're number twenty. Or, veinte, I should say.
Mooney: It's Insano Mano!
Zbyszko: Crazy Hand?
Mooney: No, Insano Mano. It's best to not translate it.
Mano: Hola, ciudadanos maravillosos del fWEo. ¿Puede cualquier persona decirme donde puedo encontrar el látigo del corredor de los torneos del año conocidos como portero nueve?
BQ: Uh...just because I wear a mask doesn't mean I'm Mexican.
Duggan: Hey, why don't you see what he's sayin', TOUGH guy?
Razor: Mang, Razor Ramon...es Cuban.
Nine: If you're looking for me, I'm right here! 8-)
Mano: ¿Quién el infierno es usted, usted bum?
Nine: Um...yeah! Come on! Throw me out!
Mano: Usted demostraría ser una pérdida de hora en mi búsqueda de librar este combate de ese guardián vile.
Nine: So...are you gonna throw me out? Hey! Where are you going? :'(
Sphere: Someone PLEASE throw me a bone, here. Ah, well. If you're think me, and want life, if you think me, and want a house a wife, then shimmy out here as number twenty-one.
Mooney: It's La Parka! Come on, Legend, shimmy with me!
Zbyszko: What did you just call me?
Mooney: I mean...yeah, hey, it's La Parka!
La Parka: *Shimmy*
Sphere: Hey everybody! Renegade thinks you're all winners!
La Parka: *Angry-Shimmy*
Razor: You talkin' 'bout...Da Bad Guy?
Duggan: Oh, you think you're a REAL tough guy, don't ya, TOUGH GUY?
Mano: ¿Es lo que usted dicho sobre nosotros verdades, Sr. perforó la entrerrosca?
Renegade: No, I *didn't* say that. And all of you are offended by being called "winners"?
Duggan: You bet, tough GUY! Good Ol' Hacksaw is fixin' to shove his 2x4 up the ass of whoever dares call these Americans "winners".
Renegade: This guy isn't even American!
Mano: Eso está correcto. Soy español, y aunque no puedo hablar inglés, puedo entenderlo muy bien.
Sphere: If you communicate by barking like a dog, then you're number twenty-two. Get out here and excite me. Not in the same way Siren would, of course.
Mooney: It's the All-American Linebacker, Kevin Greene!
Zbyszko: All-American Linebacker?
Mooney: It sounded interesting.
Mooney: Greene is BITING "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan!
Mooney: Now he's humping the leg of Razor Ramon!
Zbyszko: Ramon probably thinks it's a 60-year old woman!
Mooney: Now Greene's gonna go for the Suplex on Quicksilver...but Quicksilver has Stump!
Zbyszko: He almost took Greene's head off!
BQ: Whoo! Who said you can't repeat spots in a battle royal?
Nine: I did. :(
Sphere: If you're the biggest loser in the world, then you're number twenty-three. Come out here and get eliminated, already. That way I have one less person to worry about for the rest of this match.
Zbyszko: Well we all know who this is.
Mooney: It's Mike Heftel! Heftel gets in the ring...and immediately covers Greene for the pinfall...but this is an over-the-top-rope battle royal...
Zbyszko: In my day, there were some battle royals where you could pin the guy. Like the one I won the AWA World Title in.
Mooney: And Greene presses Heftel up and over the top rope while Heftel's still covering him! Heftel's gone already!
Zbyszko: To no one's surprise.
Heftel: Hey, the ref was too busy with some other guys...he never saw me get eliminated, so that means I can sneak back into the ring!
Ref: Uh, I'm right next to you. I saw you get eliminated.
Heftel: Did not. Ha-HA!
Mooney: Heftel climbs back into the ring...and the Referee is going to follow him in!
Zbyszko: I've never seen a referee chase a wrestler around the ring during a battle royal before.
Mooney: The Referee catches up to Heftel, and tosses him out!
Ref: Ha! I rule!
Mooney: And Renegade clotheslines the Referee out of the ring!
Ref: Fair enough.
Zbyszko: Now that's gotta be embarassing. The only thing of note that Renegade guy has ever done was run into the ring and shake the ropes when he made his debut. And I don't even think he did THAT right!
Sphere: If I carried your ass to a tag title, then you're number twenty-four.
Mooney: It's Jackhammer time!
Jackhammer: While I object to you saying that you carried me, I'm still out here. However, I'm just going to go back to my room and forfeit my spot.
Sphere: Oh, no you don't. This isn't 1991. Get in there.
Jackhammer: And what if don't?
Sphere: What if I give you this surfboard?
Mooney: Jackhammer takes the surfboard and he makes his way to the ring!
Zbyszko: I know I already said this about Hacksaw and his 2x4, but is that surfboard legal?
Mooney: Everything is legal in the Royal Battle. A shot for Duggan....one for Razor...one for Insano Mano...one for Kevin Greene...and one for La Parka! Jackhammer is a house of fire!
Zbyszko: I'd rather see him *on* fire.
Mooney: That ring sure is getting packed...
Zbyszko: I would say it's time for the deadwood to be tossed out, but then we'd have an empty ring!
Sphere: Oh, OH YES. YES. THANK YOU GOD. SCREW THE DESCRIPTION! EVIL SMOKEY THE BEAR IS NUMBER TWENTY-FIVE!
Mooney: And here he comes!
Zbyszko: Whoa! Look at them scatter!
Mooney: I can't believe it! La Parka, Insano Mano, and Kevin Greene all jumped over the top rope at the mere sight of Evil Smokey!
Zbyszko: They eliminated themselves!
Mooney: And "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan went under the bottom rope, and has crawled underneath the ring!
Zbyszko: Whoa! He just headbutted three....guys?
Mooney: Yes, Evil Smokey just headbutted Black Quicksilver, Stump, and Razor Ramon all at once! That's gotta be a first.
Zbyszko: Jackhammer's got alot of balls, going up to him with that surfboard...
Evil Smokey: Aw, now what you want, bitch?
Mooney: Jackhammer bops Evil Smokey in the head with the surfboard!
Evil Smokey: What the fu--
Mooney: And again!
Evil Smokey: Stop dat, foo!
Jackhammer: But it's comical.
Mooney: And again!
Sphere: Bah! Evil Smokey needs help! And WHO can save him at number twenty-six? Sweet Mother of Satan. If you used to be a Horseman...then you're next.
Mongo: Mongo's gone win this here battle royal, bay-ba, yeah!
Zbyszko: Wasn't Senor Funpants a Horseman, too?
Mooney: They don't know that.
Evil Smokey: Oh, yeah. Dis cracka gonna be a real help.
Mooney: Mongo eats a shot from the surfboard! And now Renegade has him up in a gorilla press...but Jackhammer hits HIM in the stomach with the surfboard, and Renegade drops Mongo in the middle of the ring!
Renegade: What was that for?
Jackhammer: I couldn't let you eliminate someone else. Warrior already put you over a little too much, white boy.
Renegade: White boy?
Evil Smokey: Hey, maybe you a'ight. You know who stole ma boy Ted E.'s tape?
Jackhammer: Sorry. I still listen to records.
Evil Smokey: Damn.
Sphere: If you have at least three steps and could carry this entire promotion, except me of course, on your top step, then you're number twenty-seven!
Zbyszko: What the HELL is that?
Mooney: It's Oddjob! And he's come to save us all!
Zbyszko: He has?
Mooney: Oddjob hits the ring...and it immediately goes after Stump! Look at them, just TEARING into each other!
Zbyszko: You used that exact same line when a bottle of 7-UP was in there earlier.
Mooney: I like to recycle.
Zbyszko: What's Ramon doing?
Mooney: It looks like he's breaking the fight up...now he's...climbing Oddjob?
Zbyszko: He's got a lightbulb with him. WHY?
Mooney: I think he's going to change a lightbulb, but there's no lightbulb in sight, and....oh my! Oddjob just tipped over and sent Razor Ramon flying to the outside!
Sphere: I can't believe this, but we're actually making progress. That calls for entrant number twenty-eight. Wait, twenty-eight? This thing's almost over? Alright! So, yes....if your favorite number is "56", then it's YOUR turn to show your stuff!
Mooney: LT! Lawrence Taylor!
LT: I'm goin' to da Supa Bo--
Mooney: LT gets a surfboard to the face!
Jackhammer: This thing's a lifesaver.
LT: Ooh, boy! LT has a little setback, but he's gonna be F-I-N-E, FINE!
Mooney: LT spots Oddjob...
LT: Now we can't go have furniture layin' around da ring! Someone gonna get their leg snapped in two!
Zbyszko: LT just dumped Oddjob over the top rope like he was one big hunk of wood!
Mooney: That has GOT to be considered an upset.
Sphere: Not to call myself a psychic or anything, even though I DO rule all of you, including your minds, but I know who number twenty-nine is. And here he is.
Mooney: Oh my God.
Mooney and Zbyszko: The Underweartaker!
Mooney: Underweartaker...coming to the ring with Sister Payne...the action in the ring has come to a sudden halt!
Nine: Ahhhhh!!! It's that evil meanie! :-(
Mooney: Oh my! Nine's pants just turned into a brownish color!
Zbyszko: Only you would notice a man's pants.
Nine: Quick! Someone! Anyone! Eliminate me before this guy hurtifies me and makes me feel all sad! :'(
Mooney: It doesn't look like anyone wants to eliminate Janitor Nine!
Zbyszko: He is NOT gonna do this...
Mooney: It appears as if he is....Janitor Nine grabbing the back of his collar....and he tosses himself over the top rope!
Zbyszko: I didn't know he was capable of doing something like that!
Nine: Holy crap, this match sucked. :-(
Mooney: Janitor Nine's walking up the ramp backwards...
Zbyszko: Is he unaware that the Underweartaker still isn't in the ring?
Nine: Wait, what's this large thing behind me that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and what's this second thing that feels like a pair of boobs? And why do I get the feeling that I'm about to die? :-(
Sister Payne: Kill him.
Nine: AIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!! :-(
Mooney: Underweartaker throws Janitor Nine right through that conveniently-placed popcorn stand!
Nine: Mmm, popcorn! :-D
Mooney: And with that, Underweartaker gets into the ring...chokeslam for Black Quicksilver!
BQ: God...dammit...he's tall...so he uses the frickin'...chokeslam...
Mooney: Big boot for LT...now he's gonna go after Mongo...
Mongo: Wait just a second, big bay-ba! Mongo got some candy for ya!
Zbyszko: He's offering the Underweartaker CANDY?
Mooney: Yes...and he's taking it! Underweartaker pats Mongo on the head and moves on...
Zbysko: Oh, NOW Renegade's gonna try to play hero!
Mooney: Renegade with some WEAK shoulderblocks on Underweartaker...
Zbyszko: Now he doesn't know what to do!
Mooney: But look! From behind, it's Jackhammer with the surfboard, and Evil Smokey The Bear with...Stump?
Zbyszko: They just took Underweartaker down!
Evil Smokey: See, all ya need is a little help from a surfboard and some Asian boy's cut-up scalp, sucka!
Jackhammer: Excuse me, but...bro?
Evil Smokey: Wassup?
Jackhammer: It's every man for himself.
Mooney: Jackhammer nails Evil Smokey with the surfboard!
Sphere: Alright, alright...for number thirty, the final entrant...I had this piece of paper in my pocket, as well.
Mooney: I know what's going on here...
Sphere: If you were personally handpicked by me to win this battle royal, then YOU are number thirty!
Mooney: WHAT? Sphere rigged the number one AND the number thirty drawings so that Black Quicksilver would start this thing out, and it'd end with Senor Funpants!
Zbyszko: Quit yer bitchin', Spanky.
Mooney: Funpants running down to the ring....
Zbyszko: What's he doing?
Mooney: He's looking underneath the ring for something...
Zbyszko: It's Hacksaw!
Mooney: Yes, it is! "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan had been hiding under the ring for a while, but Funpants just pulled him out!
Duggan: Oh NOOOOO!
Mooney: Funpants throws Duggan into the ring...gets in...and throws Duggan out!
Zbyszko: And there goes Renegade!
Mooney: Funpants has eliminated two men already...he picks up Stump...and casually tosses him over!
Zbyszko: Quicksilver's getting up, and he doesn't see Mongo coming right for him!
BQ: Ooh, a bobby pin!
Mooney: Quicksilver bends over to pick up the bobby pin...and Mongo goes sailing to the arena floor!
BQ: Hey, first you were in here, now you're out there!
Mooney: Now LT is charging....
Zbyszko: But Quicksilver doesn't see him, either! He's gotta keep his eye on the compeition, or else he'll be the one whose king gets trapped, thus ending the game on the losing end of a checkmate.
Mooney: Quicksilver turns around! He must have eyes in the back of his mask! He ducks, LT misses a forearm...or elbow, or whatever it is that he does...SuperQuick-SilverKick eliminates LT!
Zbyszko: What's he going in the crowd for?
Mooney: It sounds to me like he's campaigning for his trip to San Diego for the Big Game next Sunday!
Zbyszko: NEXT Sunday?
Mooney: We're down to just five supersta--
Zbyszko: NOW what?
Jackhammer: Oh. I'm sorry, but it appears that my TV dinner is done.
Mooney: Jackhammer drops the surfboard, and slides down the sliding board! Jackhammer is gone!
Zbyszko: You know, that might have actually been the SMART thing to do.
Mooney: Ladies and gentlemen, we're down to the final four! Black Quicksilver, Evil Smokey The Bear, Senor Funpants, and the Underweartaker remain!
Zbyszko: Not for long.
Mooney: Funpants has Quicksilver...he sends him flying across the ring...right into Evil Smokey and the Underweartaker, who are both on the ropes, trying to eliminate each other!
Zbyszko: That little twerp Quicksilver just knocked both of them over the top rope!
Mooney: Yes, and I can't believe it!
Zbyszko: Funpants is pissed!
Mooney: Funpants charges at Quicksilver with a full head of steam...and they both go over the top!
Zbyszko: Funpants wins!
Mooney: No! I believe Black Quicksilver has won this thing!
Zbyszko: No, Quicksilver hit the floor first!
Mooney: I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Nick. Funpants' own momentum caused him to sail over Quicksilver and hit the floor first.
Zbyszko: Wait, why am I arguing for Funpants anyway? He sucks.
Mooney: It looks like the Referee has made a decision...
Ref: Uh...like, both guys won.
Sphere: BOTH??? No! Funpants was supposed to win! Dammit, why didn't I say something before? Now I can't change anything around!
Mooney: Does this mean both Black Quicksilver *and* Senor Funpants are going to WrestleActionZone on April 13th to face Sphere in a match to determine the first-ever Sphere Heavyweight Champion?
Zbyszko: Why are you asking me?
Mooney: I...I thought you would know.
Zbyszko: Well, I don't.
Mooney: Well folks, maybe we'll find out on the next edition of Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker. I have no idea when you'll be able to see it, and neither does anyone else, but I assure you, you'll see it some day. For the Brain, I'm the Grand Wizard, and this has been the Royal Battle!
Winner(s): Black Quicksilver and Senor Funpants
Virgil vs. Barry Bladberth: Renner & Comey
Harbinger of Stupidity: Renner
Nitro Girl Siren vs. Evil-Lyn: Bort
This Kid Needs A Valet: Bort
Mega Job vs. Janitor Seven & Janitor Eleven: Renner
Voodoo Chile: Renner & Leary
Sphere vs. Texas Kid: Bort
Royal Battle Promos: Bort, Renner, & Leary
30-Man Royal Battle: Bort, Renner, Comey, & Leary
© 2003 BOB/WR4I. Tune in next week to see if every BOB show will be a battle royal this year!