ONE DOWN, TWO TO GO!
(Pan the interior of a remarkably dark Slobberknocker Arena. The Pyro Guys are sighted, having a quick hand of Gin Rummy... guess DK didn't allocate any of the pyro budget to this experimental show. The Monstron is flashing a cheap-look ing logo. Vic is playing some sort of Adult Oriented Rock in the background as we pick up Angus "Vince" McMadden at ringside.)
Angus "Vince" McMadden: Hello everyone to the debut of STWF Sunday Afternoon! We're live and completely un-opposed, so expect a card full of jobber squashes and pay-per-view hype! But first, let me introduce to you the latest addition to the STWF's announcing team!
("I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred begins to play. The curtain parts, and the mainstay of a dozen failed feds and cancelled shows, Scotty Whatbody, emerges. He pauses midway down the aisle and flexes, provoking a huge (And obviously pre -recorded) pop. The actual audience is about as apathetic as you can get with being declared legally comatose. A nameless corporate flunky directs Scotty to the table with a flashlight.)
Scotty Whatbody: ALL RIGHT! I've finally hit the big time!! Too bad my paycheck hasn't...
AVM: Nice to have you here, Scotty. Well, for the next couple of weeks, anyway...
SW: Thanks! Is it always this dark, by the way? Can't we have a little more light, guys?
(The lights brighten, revealling a crowd that extends only as far as the eighth row.)
AVM: Get the picture?
SW: Yup. Welfare, here I come...
AVM: Well, tonight should see some spectacularly mediocre bouts featuring Woodstock, BILL, Four and Pigeon, and a huge six-man tag team main event! Necro Phil and the Ambulance Jockeys face The Sickly Brothers and Billy Polar! But first, a one-sided tag-team s quash!
Announcer Lad: Ladies and gentlemen.. this contest is set for the usual one fall... introducing, at a total combined weight of something totally irrelevant.. the Untalented Alliance... STREETMIME and THE ORGAN GRINDER!! And could someone get this stup id monkey off my leg?
(StreetMime's entrance music, Maurice Chevalier's "Sous le Ciel de Paris", plays at whisper-quiet level. Both men are already in the ring, of course...)
AL: And their opponents... who at the time of their last appearance in the STWF weighed in at.. let's see.. 327 plus 283... carry the one.. 610 pounds! Accompanied by Strep, they are Carnage and Stalker.. THE TOTAL ANNIHILATORS! Oh, damn it J. Fred! Those were clean pants!
("Danger" by KISS is cued as the two returning semi-legends emerge through plumes of curling mist. Oh, alright, it's a fire extinguisher... the pyro guys are having to improvise tonight.)
AVM: It looks like it's going to be The Organ Grinder and Carnage to start this one off... the bell sounds and the first ever STWF Sunday Afternoon match is off and running! And Carnage strikes the first blow with a roundhouse right! OG is floored with that one!
SW: StreetMime is complaining about something... no-one will ever know what, though... Nice elbowdrop by Carnage in the meantime!
AVM: Raw power being shown by the TAS! StreetMime tries to help out, but a huge headbutt sends him reeling! Stalker's in as well.. huge spiked powerbomb!
SW: *click*... OHH! That had to hurt!... *click*
AVM: What was that?
SW: Well, this one looked like such a foregone conclusion, I pre-taped my responses... good thinking, huh?
AVM: I guess.. look out! The Organ Grinder tries for a blindside attack on Stalker...
SW: *click*... Good move by Insert Jobber's Name Here!... *click*
AVM: ...But Stalker sees it coming and responds with a blatant lowblow!
SW: *click*... YEAH! Squeeze him like a grape, Andre!... *click*
AVM: Will you put that thing away?
SW: I think I picked up the wrong tape today... *click*... Mr Whatbody, this is Jane Balbuckler of the IRS... We know where you live! You can't hide from us forever, Mr Whatbody... *click*
AVM: Back in the ring, Carnage has dragged StreetMime into the corner...
SW: *click*... EINS! ZWEI! DREI!!... *Click*
AVM: What the hell was that?
SW: I'm very big in Germany, you know...
AVM: So is tuba music, leather pants and religious persecution. None of which I want here!
Looks like somebody forgot Der Kommissaar is half-German...whoops.
AVM: Now put that away! Carnage drags SteetMime up to the top rope... OH MY! Did you see that move from Carnage?
SW: I sure did! StreetMime has been drilled into the canvas! What was that move?
AVM: I have no idea... one of those top-rope piledrivers that were so popular about eighteen months ago... remind me to check the archives and find out what it was called... The referee counts but its academic after that.
NOTE: The top-rope piledriver employed by Carnage is called the "Doomsday". Thank you.
AL: Here are your winners.. THE TOTAL ANNIHILATION SQUAD!!
AVM: A smart-looking return for Stalker and Carnage! Well, let's keep the momentum rolling with another returning supersta... well, subsuperstar... well, okay it's Pigeon.
AL: This Battle Of The Punching Bags is scheduled for one fall, with a one hour time limit... yeah, right! Introducing, the man, the myth, the medical emergency.. BILL!
(A ten second burst of the 1812 Overture heralds BILL's arrival. EMT's are close behind.)
AL: And his opponent... former Whatever Wrestling Federation Jobber du Jour... PIGEON!
("Rockin' Robin" is cued up as Pigeon wanders down the aisle. The crowd reaction is so muted you can hear the air conditioning kicking on in the background.)
AVM: Both men in the ring and a staredown is in progress. This should be a classic!
SW: Oh, sure! We're realy keeping up the fine tradition of weekend wrestling shows, aren't we?
AVM: There's a lockup! And BILL crashes straight to the canvas!
BILL: OW! My back gave out! OUCH! There goes my knee! AHH! Did you just hear my shoulder pop?
SW: Had to happen, I guess. All those old injuries are coming back to haunt him. Oh, look... Pigeon's offering him a sporting hand up!
BILL: AHHH! My little finger! You broke my little finger!
BILL's tapping out! This ones over!
The Creepy Timekeeper: Ehhhh! I didn't even start it yet...can I start it now?
SW: Can we switch seats, Angus. Your timekeeper scares me...
This episode of STWFSA is brought to you by Thompson Industries All-Natural Mayonnaise! Contains less rodent droppings than the current legal limits! And by Cheeze-Away! The processed cheese spread that's also a shaving foam! And by Beer For Girls.. supporting the wuss in all of us since 1987!!
AVM: We're back, folks! And after those first two suck-fests, this one should be... well, more of the same, really!
AL: This contest is scheduled for one fall. Boo-yeah. Introducing, accompianied by a professional Neige Thirteen Impersonator... WOODSTOCK!
Voice-Over: |||| ||| |||||||| ||||?
("Don't Eat The Yellow Snow (Down Where The Huskies Go)" by Frank Zappa plays as Woodstock is driven to the ring in a zamboni. First big pop of the night... it dies off once the woman in the third row puts her top back on.)
AL: And his opponent... FOUR!
(Four's generic rock music plays. He enters from the crowd, where he has been sitting with some other STWF-ers in a vain attempt to make the arena look fuller. In fact, there's Billy the Baker! And Chocolate Thunder behind him! And Gruff!)
AVM: Are you finished?
AVM: Bell's gone, this time-filling mid-carder match is on! Woodstock looks a little outclassed in this one, Scotty...
SW: Outclassed? He's a snowman! There's an animated snowman in the ring! Remind me to check the expiry dates on my perscription drugs...
AVM: Four siezes the hapless Ninja Snowman and hefts him up for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker! A huge legdrop! A running powwerbomb! Very little offense from Woodstock! Standing side kick and down he goes again. This is brutal!
SW: He IS a snowman, right? Or am I having a flashback?
AVM: I'll explain later... Four whips Woodstock to the ropes and turns him inside out with a Clothesline from Heck! He's down! It could be over already! Four covers.. 1..2..
SW: HEY! The Neige Impersonator dragged the ref out of the ring! And he decked him! What's going on?
AVM: Wait a minute! that isn't a Neige impersonator! That's the REAL Neige Thirteen! He's in the ring... it looks like he's about to deliver the kick that goes...
AVM: Four is DOKE-d clear out of the ring! And Woodstock and Neige head triumphantly towards the back. Looks like a DQ win for Four! Neige and Woodstock pause at the top of the ramp...
SW: Check it out! There's someone hiding in the shadows! OH! He just blasted Neige with a sock full of nickels!
AVM: Oh, sure give it away, why don't you! Neige has been knocked cold by the... *ahem*... mystery man! Amazing scenes here! Neige is dragged to the back, and it's time for our main event!
AL: Ladies and gentlemen... this is our Main Event. Introducing first, representing whatever's left of The Head Trauma Club... The team of THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS and NECRO PHIL!
(The "ER" theme plays as the Jocks, Phil and "Helena" make their appearance. Mixed reaction for the quasi-faces who hang out with the quasi-heel SMP, but are stablemates with the babyface Head Trauma Boys... oh, I don't know! Cheer or boo who you like!)
AL: And their opponents... making their STWF debut... THE SICKLY BROTHERS! And their partner... BILLY POLAR!
(Big pop as The Groggy-Faced Gremlin and Scotty the Snotty stumble to the ring to the tune of "Somebody's Gonna Feel This" by Kid Rock. Pop increases as Billy Polar joins them. Quick shot of a sign reading "Whooo! The Rats" for some reason.)
AVM: Hmmm.. two EMT's, two extremely sick wrestlers... wierdly appropriate, somehow.
SW: And if they can't cure them, Necro Phil will be happy to take care of them!
AVM: There's a thought I didn't need! Barry Brown and Scotty to start this one off! A good old collar-and-elbow tieup... Barry breaks off quickly.
Barry: Can I have a Kleenex, please! You know, I could recommend a good nasal decongestant that would clear that right up...
AVM: Scotty stops that little piece of unsolicited medical advice with a big forearm! Snap suplex! And a series of stomps to the body of the recumbant Brown! Scotty is a house of fire!
SW: But that big sneezing fit stops him in his tracks. Tag out to Rick!
AVM: Good thinking, Scotty!
AVM: I meant Scotty Sickly...
SW: Oh, right. This is confusing. Can't we call him something else. Like.. Big Poppa Puke or something?
AVM: I think puking is Rick's gimmick, Scotty. Now the Gremlin goes to work on Barry.. gut-wrench suplex. Lazy cover.. not even a one-count. Scoopslam! Nice execution on that one! They've cut the ring in half very well. Barry is in serious trouble! This festival-of-garbage we called Suday Afternoon is finally improvin...
SUPERCARD V is coming! EVERY STWF Superstar! And Sub-superstar! And BILL! All on one card! Book your ticket TODAY!
AVM: ... Great move by Rick! He starts an Airplane spin. This could be a mistake! Yes, Rick goes down in a heap, groggier than ever! Barry rolls to the corner and tags in Garry. Garry darts across the ring and drop-kicks Billy Polar off the apron! Bulldog on Rick Sickly! Scotty is in the ring! Necro Phil and Barry are too! The ref has lost control of this one!
SW: About time! We're approaching the four-minute mark! You know how short attention spans are these days... people were probably beginning to channel-surf!
AVM: A huge brawl erupts in the ring! Billy Polar heads to the top rope... corkscrew plancha takes out both Garry and Barry! The Sickly Brothers and the Jocks tumble to the outside of the ring, still battling furiously! The referee just got wiped out inadvertently!
SW: YEAH! Chaos and mayhem! Just the way I like it! Hey, someone just jumped out of the crowd, Vince!
AVM: You're right! It's.. Homicidal Hank? We haven't seen him in weeks! He's in the ring! Powerbomb on Polar! What the hell? He headbutts Necro Phil! Kick to the guts.. and he's going for a Homicidal Hammer on Phil! Holding him up.. still holding him... what's he waiting for? I think he wants a microphone!
SW: Anyone else think this isn't the most appropriate time to cut a promo?
HH: HEY! Sillaconne M Plants! Get your butt out here, Meat! So I can do THIS to ya!
AVM: OH MY! He just drilled Necro Phil wth the Homicidal Hammer!
SW: Check it out! Here comes SMP down the aisle!
AVM: He stops halfway down! Hank has the mic again!
HH: Plants! You get me to join the Heelsiders, then up and quit! The next thing I know, I'm hanging with that fruity Rump Ranger and The Three Guys! And I don't even LIKE the Three Guys! Well, doc... say hello to my pyschopathic little friend!
AVM: OH MY GOD! It's Bobo Fiendish! He just nailed Plants from behind with his fabled Sock 'O Swag(TM)!!! Scotty, get out from under the table, you chicken!
SW: Make me, Vince!
AVM: Bobo and Hank are double teaming Plants! This is insane! The inmates really ARE running the Asylum!! The Jocks have come back to try to help out, but Bobo and Hank are still pounding the hell out of Plants! Fans, we're out of time, so we'll see you... DID YOU SEE THAT?
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre