ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH, DEAR FRIENDS...
(We pan around a less-than-packed Slobberknocker Arena. The pyro guys half-heartedly wave a single sparkler and a sign reading "WHOOSH!" We eventually pick up Angus "Vince" McMadden and Scotty Whatbody at ringside.)
Angus "Vince" McMadden: Welcome everyone to another edition of STWF Sunday Afternoon! Along with me as usual, Scotty Whatbody!
Scotty Whatbody: Thank you! And it's great to be here for the Festival of Crap we call Sunday!
AVM: Well put. And tonight's show should be quite a... show, especially with Supercard just around the corner. Or possibly just over... We're pre-taped, and DK hasn't told us when this will air.
SW: Like it matters. You know the Sunday card has little-to-no bearing on anything else in the STWF.
AVM: Too true, Scotty. Well, let's take you up to ringside.. oh, hi guys...
(The shot widens out to reveal two large members of the Thought Police appraching the table.)
TP1: Angus McMadden?
TP2: Angus "Vince" McMadden?
AVM: Um.. yes?
TP1: Come with us, please. His High Exaltedness, Der Kommissaar wishes to talk to you about certain anti-German sentiments you expressed in last week's Sunday Afternoon.
AVM: Hey, wait, that was an off-the-cuff remark. DK knew I was only joking! Hey, put me down! I love lederhosen, honest! YURK!
SW: Okay, fans... I think Vince is off for a little "reprogramming". I guess this means... I have MY OWN SHOW AGAIN! WOO-HOO! Now all I need is a sidekick commentator.
("Simply Irresistable" begins playing. The crowd's energy levels (or testosterone levels, at least) get a big boost as Scotty's co-commentator appears.)
SW: What? Oh, tell me that's who I think it is? Please, please, please... YES! Nurse Heidi! WOO-HOO! I love this job!
Nurse Heidi: Nice to be here Scotty.. need some Kleenex for that drool?
SW: Um, thanks... It's nice to have you.. I mean... see you.. umm...
NH: Very coherent. Taking lessons from Tony "The Leech" Schivone I see...
Announcer Lad: If I might interrupt? We do have a few matches to work tonight?
SW: If we must...
AL: Thank you.. This contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, representing the Asylum Alliance... BILL!
(BILL heads out to the 1812 Overture. Homicidal Hank follows him out with a stretcher, which he leaves at ringside. He high-fives BILL and leaves.)
NH: Nice planning ahead by Hank there. Those extra few seconds could be crucial if something REALLY bad happens to BILL.
AL: And his opponent... representing the vetically challenged people of the world.. LI'L PEPPY POLAR!
("It's a Small World After All" plays briefly, before the switchboard jams with complaints from outraged midgets. Vic quickly switches to The Mexican Hat Dance. Peppy runs down to the usual Sunday non-reaction.)
SW: Oh, super. I thought I got away from calling midget matches when I left BOB. Anyhoo, this snoozer is underway! Li'l Peppy gets the lower hand already with a mini-spear on BILL's calf! BILL shakes him off... literaly, and recieves a blantant lowblow for his trouble.
NH: Trust me, that's about as high as some of those little guys can reach...
SW: You're experienced with little guys?
NH: Well, I once had to give Barry Brown a physical.. oops, he asked me not to mention that! Can we edit that out?
SW: Sure we will! *barely restrained giggle* Peppy drops BILL with a Nipple-jacker... BILL's jaw was a tad out of reach, I guess. Dropkick to the chest sends the much-abused one to the canvas!
NH: BILL's selling this one very well, considering the size differential.
SW: Ixnay on the reakingbay ayfabkay, okay abebay?
NH: Excuse me?
SW: Never mind. BILL fires back with a weak punch. Clothesline! Missed him by a foot and a half! Peppy retaliates with a springboard headbutt that lands South of the Border! He's going for a bodyslam! Can he get the comparitively-big man up? I don't think he can do it! OH! Dropped him!
NH: Right on his head! There's another in BILL's long line of concussions! Peppy covers...
SW: 1..2..3! And our first match mercifully comes to a conclusion.
AL: Here is your inevitable winner.. LI'L PEPPY POLLLARRR!
SW: BILL is helped to his stretcher... looks like a fractured cheekbone as well today! Well, he'll bounce back...
NH: He usually does. I'm thinking of writing his case history up for the next issue of "Medical Miracles" magazine. Is it time for a commercial yet?
SW: Actually, we've only got one sponsor this week. Let's save it..
NH: Okay, I guess. Oh wait. *ahem*There, I've been trying to speak a little deeper so the fans don't get me confused with Rump Ranger. Take some time off, and he steals my font color.
SW: Your WHAT? And I really don't think ANYBODY could get you two confused.
NH: Thanks, Scotty.. now can you please take your hand off my leg?
SW: What? My hands are on the desk...OH LOOK! It's time for our next match..
Due to the graphic nature and intense violence of this next match...ohh, who are we kidding? Due to the upcoming comments, this program has been rated TV Mature for the protection of sensitive minds.
AL: Our next contest is a Triple Thre...yeah, right. Introducing first, from Parts Frozen Over, at 5'8" and 150 lbs, WOODSTOCK!
(Woodstock slowly walks to the ring as the "Birdman" Theme plays, he's holding a sign that says "|||| ||||| ||||||| || || |||". (Loose translation="Neige held a knife to me, he made me do this" courtesy of "Art of Chirping" expert, Dr Franz Lieberwitz. Decent heel reaction from the crowd for some reason.
SW: Let me get this straight... a chirping snowman? Is he suppossed to be a snowman, or a bird? I mean, he looks like a snowman, but he chirps AND is named after a bird. I don't get it.
NH: I think you're really looking into these things too seriously, Scotty. Just call the match and let the fans worry about the gimmicks, okay?
SW: But..but..nevermind, I LOVE THIS SONG!
AL: Originally from Koln, Germany, now making his home in Camden, Maine... from Faces Inc, at 5'10", 148...THE ORGAN GRINDER!
(Good pop for the Faces Inc. member as The Grinder comes out chewing a large kielbasa sausage. Which, by the way, is Polish and not German - I think he's taking the annexing thing too far. J. Fred Kokomo, Jr. charges the ring and attacks Woodstock, just as Peter Gabriel's "Shock The Monkey" hits chorus.)
SW: LOOK AT THAT LITTLE MONKEY GO!
NH: Scotty, haven't you been warned about that before?
SW: Yeah, but that commentator was talking about a football player, I'm really talking about the monkey! LOOK AT THAT! J. Fred all over the ninja snowman! The Organ Grinder now joining the fracas. Where's Flatline, isn't he supposed to be the third guy? Or is it now the monkey?
NH: I don't know, but this is kinda cute. Wait! Woodstock is now spanking the monkey, Organ Grider accosting Wood with his sausage! He's beating him on the head with his meat stick!
SW: Could you say that again? R-e-a-l-l-y slow? I dunno, but it just sounded like you made entirely too many references to... Uhhhh, Look at Announcer Lad skin outta there! The action's too hot for him!
NH: J. Fred has Wood, and he's waving to his Organ... Grinder. OG comes over and is trying to shove that large meat log into Sssssssstock's mouth. He could choke him out, here! Or trigger his gag reflex. Hate when that happens.
SW: Hee, yeah. Uhhhh, whatever. J. FRED IS BITING! Nothing like a mouth full of Stock! Ummm, man... that didn't come out right. Is this officially a match yet? I never heard the bell.
NH: Like I paid attention, I'm having too much fun making obvious references to male genitalia while calling a wrestling match. Wait a minute, WHAT'S THAT?
Voice over: "YEAH, LIKE...Y'KNOW. I SAID...UHHH! UHHHH! UHHH!"
("Make 'Em Say Uhhh" by Master P plays as Flatline, now referred to as D.J. Uhhh in some circles, runs to the ring and slides under the bottom rope to a large, pity induced pop. He immediately attacks a turnbuckle with a dropkick as no less than 22 party mix CD's fall out of his oversized pants.
SW: And there's the bell! Finally this one is official! Woodstock just threw J. Fred out of the ring! Grinder just stomped Flatline as D.J. Uhh frantically recovers his CD collection.
NH: Yeah, the monkey got tossed off...the apron. That Wood sure is hard... core. Flatline now has the meat in his hand, and just whacked The Organ!
SW: WOULD YOU STOP THAT?! And please use their entire names! I finally have the chance at a good paying job and you're going to ruin it!
NH: How does it feel? You men get away with that stuff all the time. Nice clothesline from The Organ Grinder on Flatline, Woodstock now from behind...nails the OG with a double axe handle!
SW: Woodstock with the cover, one..two..Flatline breaks it up! Grinder shoves D.J. Uhh to the mat. OG now covering Woodstock! Flatline back up, quickly grabs The Organ and jerks him off!
NH: See, you're doing it just as much as I was.
SW: You know what I meant! Woodstock and D.J. Uhh now working together! Whips Grinder into the ropes, double backdrop! Woodstock catches Flatline Uhh with a spinning heel kick and sends his short-lived partner to the floor.
NH: Well, you know these things are every man for himself, and I really think the third guy in these types of matches are just there to prolong the thing. I hate three men at a time, speaking wrestling of course.
SW: Of course. Yeah, ummmm. Woodstock now picking The Organ Grinder up for a bodyslam...LOOK AT D.J. UHH FLATLINE! He's on the top rope! Woodstock literally frozen in his tracks! That's what he gets for being a snowman I guess!
NH: That, like that shirt you're wearing, was very weak. Couldn't you find a shirt that didn't have holes in it? Flatline with a top rope dive, hits head first into Grinder's back! The momentum factor in play here, Organ Grinder ends up pinning Woodstock!
SW: One...two...THREE! HEY! How about that? The Grinder will be bragging for months! And what's wrong with my shirt? (looks at it) Well. Too bad Flatline didn't use his CD collection like "Black" Jack Dealer used his card deck, it could've changed the outcome of this one.
NH: I'm impressed, Scotty. Been brushing up on the classics?
SW: Well, just like the other guys, I was a fan before I became an active participant.
NH: Whatever. Hey, looks like it's time for our next match, Lad is back and in the ring...
AL: This is a tag-team contest set for one fall or gratuitous run-in to justify a no-contest ruling. First from somewhere in the Czech Republic and a combined weight of 431 pounds. It's Jan Plee, it's Bretislav Plee...IT'S TIME TO GO, CZECH PLEES!
(Jan and Bretislav merrily enter the ring to "The Plzener Polka". Jan waves a Czech flag while Bretislav signs a voided check handed to him by a ringsider. Good pop for the lovable tandem. How could you boo these guys?)
AL: Their opponents, from Mt. Assiniboine, BC. At a combined weight of 528 pounds. Scotty the Snotty and The Groggy-faced Gremlin, Rick. They are THE SICKLY BROTHERS!
("Somebody's Gonna Feel This" by Kid Rock plays. Quick cut to a fan as he quickly holds up a sign that reads, "See what one brief moment of exposure can do for a no-talent bum?" We're not sure of the reference. The other brother combination limps down the aisle, Scotty draped under a body sized hankerchief and Rick leads the way to the ring, as Scotty extends a hand from under the large snot rag and holds on to Rick's neckbrace.)
SW: There's the bell! Wow, two brother tag-teams, this should be a good one! These guys know their partners better than anybody. They've known them all their lives!
NH: Ya think? Nice analysis, Scotty. Looks like Jan is going to start for his team, Rick for his. Collar and elbow tie up, Jan quickly moves to the standing arm bar. And geez, I knew Scotty the Snottey had a nasal drip problem, but was it really necessary for him to put that gigantic hankerchief over himself?
SW: I'm still wondering about the Plees' Czechered past. I mean, Czech this out. I heard they used to be hitmen, and put Czech marks on their victims. Really, I Czeched into it.
NH: Shut up, Scotty. That is not true!
SW: Hey, do you know what they call an abortion in their country? A cancelled...
NH: STOP IT! YOU'RE HORRIBLE! How can you say that about those cute, little Plees? Rick now backing Jan into the ropes, breaks the armbar with a whip across the ring. Nice shoulder block by Jan! After a brief celebration, tags in Bretislav.
SW: Come on, Heidi. I'm just trying to have a little fun with the Czech thing. That's all. Bretislav has Rick up now..nice bodyslam. Missed the elbow drop, though. Rick with a Sicklyline...OHHHH! Bretislav rocked with that one. Rick setting him up for a powerbomb, backdrop by the Plee! This one back and forth. Snotty still under that life size hanky. What's up with that?
NH: I don't know, but I really need to have those two Sickly Brothers stop by the clinic before they infect the entire roster. I need to give them...a Czech up?
SW: Talk about me! And that was the wrong team, anyway. Bretislav with a tag to his brother, could be the "Czech-Out"...their finishing rocket launcher, diving headbutt! Jan to the top, Bretislav into position! Now, I'd think a backdrop wouldn't be enough to keep Rick down for this to work...but I'm guessing the lack of strength due to constant illness could be the key here...
NH: LOOK! The hanky is being removed...IT'S THE TOTAL ANNIHILATORS! They're in the ring, Carnage just waffled Bretislav, Stalker just pushed poor, little Jan off the top rope and down to the floor! They're now double teaming Rick! As you know, the Sicklys were the Annihilators' opponents for SUPERCARD V, they may have some unfinished business!
SW: I was wondering why Snotty had four feet, I just thought he contacted a new disease! It was TAS all along!
NH: No, he sold out to another federation. The Total Annihilators beating Rick unmercifully here...HERE COMES SCOTTY THE SNOTTY!
SW: The Total Annihilation Squad still beating on Rick, knocking him groggy, even more than usual! Scotty is in the ring! The other one, the snotty guy. Not me of course...'cause I could whip all of them!
NH: *yawn* Of course. Scotty has Carnage...whips him to the ropes... HURL-ACANRANA!
SW: Nice improv, Heidi! Stalker literally knocked the snot out of Scotty with that punch to the back of the head. Rick struggling to his feet. CZECH THIS OUT! The Plees are back and joining in the melee! Here comes the generic security as well as the boos. Looks like this one is going to be.....
AL: Ladies and Gentlemen, this bout has been declared a NO CONTEST!
SW: Wow, the three teams still going at it as security try to regain order. Not bad for a midcard feud between the Sickly Brothers and The Total Annihilators. Maybe DK can make some room for the Plee Brothers in that one...CZECH PLEES!
NH: I'm really worried about your future in this business, Scotty. Well, it looks like security has finally cleared the ring. I think it's about time for that one commercial before the main event...
NEW! From Meltin' Badly Games! The OFFICIAL STWF DRINKING GAME! Yes, make your favourite pastime even better by throwing huge quantities of cheap, watery American beer down your throat at the same time! For even more fun, try Canadian beer! Here's a sample of the rules!
One Shot Of Beer Every Time:
- Coma says "Poink!"
- Luke Warm STONECUTTERs someone.
- Someone makes a Czech Plees pun.
- Jamal says "Yo", "Wassup widdat" or "Word"
- Captain Twilight misses a joke.
- Announcer Lad gets the intro wrong.
- Neige Thirteen says "Gundam it!"
- Vic plays the wrong music.
- The Violent Pacifist (or whoever) hits someone with Mr Bat.
Two Shots Every Time:
- The Rump Ranger yells "YO, GO GLITTER!"
- Luke Warm STONECUTTERs Vince, Jamal or Captain Twilight.
- George Michael makes a cameo.
- BILL gets injured.
- Someone uses their catchphrase (Three if Bobo Fiendish mentions his "Wild Ride")
- A table is broken
- The Violent Pacifist (or whoever) hits Kamera Kid with Mr Bat.
Four Shots if:
- Luke STONECUTTERs himself.
- Coma says "Bosnia-Herzegovina".
- Someone mentions Toilet Duck or Plainswalker.
- The MNT Main Event DOESN'T turn into a screwjob.
- Billy Polar doesn't mention that he went to Harvard.
Whole Beer if:
- BILL wins a match.
- Luke doesn't get to do a STONECUTTER.
Whole Case if:
BILL wins Intergalactic Championship.
THE STWF DRINKING GAME! Get it now!
BILL: And get that case ready, it's gonna happen! YEAAAHHHHH!
SW: What the hell was that? That was the longest commercial I've ever seen! Have we got enough time for our Main Event?
NH: Just barely. Better get them out here quickly!
AL: This is our Main Event of the evening! *ahem* Introducing first, from Parts Forgotten... He is the Smoke Doggy Dogg... the former three-time Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is Not..."
SW: Who the hell cares! Intro him, dammit!
AL: ... But it's Close.." oh, fine... ladies and gentlemen... DOUJA!
(douja stumbles down the aisle as Vic mistakenly cues up "Purple Haze'. Frat boys are spotted chugging healthy shots of beer.)
AL: And his opponent. He's a wrestler. He wrestles for a living. Obviously.. it's CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!
(Captain Obvious runs down the ramp, passing douja halfway down. He leaps into the ring and holds up a sign with a downwards pointing arrow and the caption "Me!")
SW: And here we go! I think. douja is still meandering toward the ring like a human pinball. Oh, great, now he's been distracted by a popcorn vendor. We'll stay with this match as long as we have to folks!
NH: Or until DK pulls the plug on us...
SW: Captain Obvious heads out to the floor and gives douja a steel-chair assisted hurry-up! And another! A third shot to the head!
NH: And I think douja finally noticed what was happening that time! He retaliates with a roundhouse right!
SW: A big clothesline sends douja intio the crowd. Captain Obvious follows him in! This is going to get good now! Doujas got a chair! Here we go...
© 2004 BOB Home Video!
©2000 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre
(Cut to the opening titles of "Cooking with Carl". Carl is stirring a huge pot of noodles.)
Carl: Well, hi there folks! Today, we'll be making my patented "Tuna Noodle Pot Pie" This recipe has been in my family for over forty years, and Boy howdy, it's deee-licious! First of all, you'll need three ounces of lard, a tablespoon of vanilla, and a generous measure of whiskey!
(The door of Carl's studio bursts open as douja and Captain Obvious fight their way into the room, followed closely by Scotty.)
SW: This is brutal folks! Captain Obvious waffles douja with a waffle iron! douja reels back and grabs a ladle to defend himself with!
Carl: What the hell are you people doing?! Get out of my <-BLEEP->damn kitchen!!!!
SW: OH! The Cronic Neck Pain! Too bad it was on Carl and not on the captain, or this one would have been over! Captain Obvious smashes a bottle of cooking sherry over douja's head! He stumbles back... and Obvious spears him right throught the suspiciously-thin wall! Good Lord! They're in the studio of "Backtalk"!
(Cut to an anchorman shuffling papers self-importantly. douja and Captain Obvious are choking each other on the desk.)
Anchorman: Wrestling. The male soap opera. Should we allow our children to watch these tight-wearing buffons, these testosterone-crazed mainiacs, these peddlers of violence and tittilation? Or should we have them all killed?
(Obvious and douja stop and stare at the anchorman.)
SW: OH! Double powerbomb! Great stuff! A high five between Obvious and douja... WHOA! A snap DDT out of nowhere drives douja through the desk! Obvious covers..One! Two! Three! Obvious wins! Obvious wins! What a Sunday! Threaten me with cancellation, will they?! Anyway, I'm Scotty Whatbody, along with Nurse Heidi, saying, see you next week! Probably!