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Sunday Afternoon Logo

SUNDAY, BLOODY (LATE) SUNDAY.

(The interior of the Cowpie Palace. The usual half-full Sunday crowd gives a half-hearted pop as the pyro guys fire off some party poppers. Signs abound, including "I Wish It Was Monday.", "BILL:316 Broken Bones" and "Come Back DK, All Is Forgiven!". We pick up the announce table.)

SW: WELCOME EVERYONE! To the BIGGEST Sunday EVER! For what that's worth! I'm Scotty Whatbody, along with Nurse Heidi...

NH: Nice to be here, Scotty!

SW: ...And Jamal Tupac Mustafa!

JTM: Wassup, Scotty! Good to be kickin' it with da homies on Sunday!

SW: Word! And it should be an action-packed show today!

NH: It'll have to be! If we don't get the ratings out of the basement today, DK revokes our funding and you're back on welfare, Scotty!

JTM: Thass whut I'm here for! Jamal equals ratin's, yo?

(Jamal stands, does the "Thriller" dance and waves to the crowd. A single fans begins a "J-T-M" chant. He's quickly buried beneath a flurry of half-finished sodas.)

SW: Anyway, on to the action! Today we see The Extreme Athlete, Bryan Carson taking on the equally extreme Mr Intensity! The Ambulance Jockeys face The Agency in a rematch with little or no bearing on the all-important tag ranks...

NH: Way to keep them tuning in, Scotty...

SW: And in our first match.. The Sunday Afternoon regular, Woodstock will face Salimino Smith! Let's go to announcer Lad for the tale of the tape!

Announcer Lad: This contest is scheduled for one fall, one submission, one run-in or one screwjob. No titles are at stake! No money down! No problem!

JTM: We gots to stop lettin' him ad-lib...

AL: Introducing first.. 150 pounds of compressed snow-like whoop-ass.. WOODSTOCK!

(Woodstock is already in the ring, demonstrating Ninja Snowman moves with a Kendo stick. Or possibly just one of his twig-like arms...)

AL: And his opponent.. weighing in a somewhat more than Woodstock.. SALIMINO "THE SALESMAN" SMITH!

(Salimino's entrance music plays... due to a technical error, only Vic hears it, though...)

JTM: Yo, wheres Bambi at? Dat woman is sweeeeee-t!

SW: Oh, come on, Jamal! She'll be in the backsatge area, offering exotic massages to the other wrestlers...

SSS: Hey! I heard that!

SW: What? She's the company bike, man! Everybodys had a ride!

SSS: Why I oughta...

SW: Oooh! Woodstock jumpstarts the match with a beautiful back suplex on Smith! Drags him into the corner for a series of stinging chops!

NH: Or whips, as the case may be. Those twig-like arms would have to hurt!

SW: Salimino takes a ride to the opposite corner! Woodstock charges in with a huge snowman splash!

JTM: Woodstock got what other snowmen don't got!

NH: What's that, Jamal?

JTM: Snowballs. Heh heh heh... I kill me, yo.

NH: Delightful, Jamal.

SW: That's really sick, Jamal... and you know how much I love sick humour! Salimnio reverses the tide with a rake to the eyes. Twists his carrot for good measure!

NH: His what?!

SW: His nose, Heidi....

NH: Thank God for that... Salimino flattens Woodstock with the Super Sicilian Slam! Cover.. Kickout at two!

SW: I thought he had him!

JTM: Thass cause yo stupid! We too close to a Pay-Per-View for that to happen! Gotta be a run-in sooner or later!

SW: That's true, Jamal! Don't forget folks, (Scottys voice goes out-of-synch with his lips momentarily) CanadaDayChaos is just around the corner! Order now!

(Lipreaders at home may have noticed that Scotty actually said "Supercard Five". So, we're pre-taped.. sue us!)

SW: Biggggg backbody drop from Salimino! Woodstock landed hard on that one.. well, as hard as a pile of compressed snow can, anyway! Woodstock is spread across the ring!

NH: Pull yourself together, Woodstock!

JTM: Man, someone get a shovel!

SW: The Salesman in complete control! He tosses Woodstcok over the top rope! Follows him to the floor! Scoopslam! He drags the hapless snowman to his feet.. stumps.. whatever... and whips him to the guardrail.. reversed! Salimino goes flying into the crowd!

NH: Chalk up another victim of the Flimsy Guardrail(TM)!

SW: Salimino staggers to his feet and gets nailed by.. a snacks vendor? Salted peanuts fly everywhere!

JTM: Is dat who I think it is?

Peanut Vendor: No it isn't! Isn't that right, Mr Planters?

Man in Peanut Suit: Mffss, Sfffr.

SW: Woodstock suplexes Smith over the guardrail.. right onto the steps! Great move! Introduces him to the ringpost! He's really showing his stuff now!

NH: And here comes the run-in! It's Da Sassy One!

JTM: Did I call it or whut?

SW: You sure did! Da Sassy One has got Wood! And he's beating him mercilessly!

JTM: You can tell dat from here?

NH: And didn't we already do this "Got Wood" schtick last week?

SW: Refs calling for the bell! It's gotta be a DQ!

AL: Sure is! Your winner, as the result of a Disqulification.. WOODSTOCK!! Ooh, that had to hurt!

SW: I'll say! They stomped a slushpuddle in Woodstocks butt and then walked it dry! Kind of...

(Sudden jump-cut to a commercial.)


CANADA DAY CHAOS! It'll be keen! And neat-o! And just plain nifty!

For all your CDC updates, call 1-900-STWFROCKS! $4.95/minute! Kids, ask your parents first! (Or just ring, then lie about it when the bill comes!)


(Back from commercial. Scotty now has a moustache and Nurse Heidi is sporting a different hair-do. Jamal now is wearing a shirt that reads "KnowhatI'msayin?".. as opposed to the one that had "Whatchoo lookin' at? You Stank Ho!" during the first match.)

SW: Well, we're back..and what a match that was! (looks at monitor)

NH: Yeah, which one was that again?

JTM: Yo, it be tha one where dat snowman dude got his @ss jacked up by dat Smiff dude an' dat "I'm Not Gay" fella. Word.

NH: Oooooh, yeah. (squints to read cue card) I see that Bryan Carson, "the Extreme Athlete" is set to take on Mr. Intensity in our next match.

JTM: Ahh shiiiiii! Yo, I'm outtie! Dat Mr. Intessidy is whack, yo.

SW: What's that, Jamal?

JTM: You heard! Dat Intessidy dude crazy whack dope phat! Dat mofo got killa zany, yo! Dat Carson dude might be extreme, yo..but Intessidy tha measrin' stick fo extreme! I'm outta here likes a plate full 'o chitlins, I ain't hangin' round wit Mr. Cooper fo dis one! See ya, wouldn'twanttobeya.

SW: What the hell? (takes out "The White Man's Guide to Ghetto Slang: Be A Cool Cracka In Tha 'Hood" and thumbs through some pages) Oh, okay. Gotcha, Jamal. Later, uhhhhhh..brother. Right On! (holds up a single clinched fist)

NH: You're such a lackey, Scotty. And soooooooo white. Hey, Bryan Carson is already in the ring. I can't wait to see this newcomer.

SW: Yeah, he looks promising, but I hope he knows what he's in for tonight.

AL: Ladies and gentlemen, this next match is scheduled for one fall and not sanctioned to be a hardcore match. We'll see what happens. Already in the ring, making his debut on...what card is this?

SW: *ppsssssst* Sunday..

AL: Sunday. Lost where I was..ummmm "The Extreme Athlete" Johnny Carson!

(The crowd laughs at Lad's gaffe, and points at him like you did the kid in second grade that still wet his pants.)

AL: (Looking at card again) Ummmm. I mean BRYAN CARSON! (Bryan stands there just like any other guy that hasn't been added to the roster page and hasn't interview enough for me to know his stats.)

AL: His opponent, from Yaaaaaaaaaargh, Wisconsin...weighing in at 303 pounds...MR. INTENSITY! Good Lord, I'm outta here, too! (Lad dives to the safety of the arena floor as Mr. Intensity bolts to the ring to "Slaughterama" By GWAR and grabs the mic Lad left in the ring.)

Mr. Intensity: "The time has come for you to suffer the magnitudiness of my awesomenessification. My intensificationess is unmatched in all of wrestlingdom. So you're extreme, huh? (points at Carson) Well, I'M INTENSE BRUDDAH! YOU WANNA SEE INTENSE, BOY! AAAAARRRRRRRGH!"

NH: Wow, there's the bell and what's Mr Intensity doing? Is that a X-acto knife?

SW: Looks like it, known in some circles as a box cutter. LOOK AT THAT! He's sawing off his own eyebrow! He just threw the hairy skin flap into the audience! Now that's INTENSE, baby! Gives a whole new meaning to the term "People's Eyebrow".

NH: It's a shame that guy has to mutilate himself just so you could use that lame pun. You should be ashamed of yourself for asking him to do that.

SW: ME? He's the one who approached me with the idea...hey look, Carson doesn't seemed fazed by the fact that Mr. Intensity just removed half his own forehead, he's going right at him with a series of closed fist punches, opening that already bleeding wound even more!

NH: Carson with a snap mare, and a quick cover...Mr Intensity kicks out, sending Bryan between the bottom and middle rope strand. It's going to take a lot more than that to beat this intense guy.

SW: Bryan is holding his own, though. Mr Intensity over and Carson drags him out of the ring by his ankles. Chop by the "Extreme Athlete" and now he's sending Mr. Intesity into the Easily Seperatable Ringsteps(TM). REVERSAL! Carson sprawls over the stairs and lay in a heap on the other side.

NH: Mr Intesity has a chair, and he's giving chair shots to himself! Now he's running through the stands, MY GOD! He clotheslined a couple fans in the aisle way, now he's running back to the ring, stopping a moment to whack another fan! What's wrong with this guy?

SW: He's INTENSE! Yeah! Or, in line for a drug screen urinalisis coming up shortly after this match. he's luck he didn't get counted out, he's back in the ring, as is Carson now. Extreme with a knee to the gut, Intensity with a looping right hand, Extreme answers with an uppercut, Intensity retaliates with a forearm shiver, grabs Carson and whips him into the ropes...

NH: Scoop power slam! Ooooh, that has Bryan writhing in pain a little. Wait, it looks like he's going for that lighter fluid...could be the "Intense Bearhug"! Now I know why Jamal left...

SW: Carson staggering to his feet and manages to wrestle away that charcoal gas. Intensity with a overhead forehead smash to Carson's back, knocking both the "Extreme Athlete" and that lighter fluid to the mat. The referee is trying to get the flammables out of the ring, but Mr Intensity thwarts the ref's best intentions and sends the hapless canvas slapper to the floor!

NH: Oh my...what is doing now?

Mr. Intensity: "You ain't intense, you ain't extreeeeeeeme, boy! I GOT YOUR EXTREME RIGHT HERE!

SW: Mr Intensity in now looking under the ring, he has a stop sign. What was that doing under there? I guess we're going to get hardcore, after all. Wait a minute, Intensity just set up the sign in the middle of the ring and is heading for the ropes!

NH: Carson is just standing in the corner.. bewildered. Mr. Intensity is...WHAT IS HE DOING?

SW: He's pulling down the back of his tights..

Mr. Intensity: "THIS is intense...AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

SW: MY GOD! He just jumped butt first on that sign! IMPALING HIMSELF!

crowd: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW"

NH: I'll agree...that was INTENSE! (starts dry heaving)

SW: It's elementary now, Carson with the cover as the ref climbs back into the ring, just in time. *ahem* There's the cover, and this one is over, thank God.

NH: Can we go to a commercial, quick? Is there an emesis basin around here?


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SW: Ahhhhh, I need some of that stuff (shifts uncomfortably in his chair) Looks like The Ambulance Jockeys are ready for their match, they just escorted Mr. Intensity to the back and have returned to the ring.

NH: If I know those two, Mr. Intensity will be the butt of E.R. jokes for the next month. No pun intneded.

AL: Ladies and Gentlemen, this tag-team match is scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring, from Greensboro and Brown Summit, North Carolina respectively, at a combined weight of 475 pounds...Garry "the Gurney" Greene and "Backboard" Barry Brown- THE AMBULANCE JOCKEYS!

(Barry throws up a quick hand gesture/wave as Garry caresses his abdominals)

AL: Their opponents, from Parts Classified, wearing VERY black stuff and coming in at a combined weight of 466, Sculder and Mully- THE AGENCY!

(the revamped "Mulder and Scully" by Catatonia plays. The two FBI types come to the ring with the determination of stalking The Giant Ape Men of The Andes.)

SW: And there's the bell. Looks like Sculder is going to square off with Barry Brown. These two are very familiar with each other, these teams have battled on numerous occasions.

NH: Yeah, Garry and Mully are EVEN MORE familiar with each other, if you know what I'm saying.

JTM: Nah, it be knowwhatI'msayin'? You gots to say like dat, yo.

SW: Hey, Jamal, you're back. You missed a good one with Intensity and Extreme.

JTM: Oh, you mean dat dark match from lass Monday? Hey, why it gotta be called a "dark" match, anyway?

SW: Shhhhhhh, this is supposed to be one show, and all happening on Sunday. Follow?

JTM: Man, why DK put me on dis show? I'm a MNT reg'lar, yo? Dis muss be some kinda puniss'ment. Word.

SW: Barry with a top wrist lock on Sculder, a slight hair pull puts The G-Man on his back. Sculder now back to his feet, backs Barry up and sends him across for the ride. A shoulder block sends Sculder back to the canvas, Barry tags out quickly.

NH: Garry in now, misses the elbow drop. Both men up and it's Sculder with a standing side kick, followed by wild right hand. Greene ducks and nails him with a German suplex.

JTM: He holdin' on for a pin attempt. Yo, Sculda kicked out. Japanese armdrag by Sculda. Dat wuz nice, yo! He taggin' Mully. Garry taggin' Barry back in. Japanese armdrag by Sculda. Dat wuz nice, yo! He taggin' Mully. Garry taggin' Barry back in.

SW: Barry and Mully now going at it. Wrestling, that is. By the way, has it ever been determined if Mully was a woman or not?

JTM: Shore is, yo. Can't you see dose fine female features?

NH: I thought the same thing about Boy George, and well, you saw how that turned out.

SW: Mully with a nice Russian leg sweep on "Backboard" Barry. The cover. Hooks a leg, one..two...no! Barry just did get a shoulder up. Mully sends Barry across, b-i-i-i-i-g back body drop! The Agency in control of this one, taking over on their long time friendly rivals.

NH: Barry with an eyepoke, he's now sending Mully into the ropes, setting up for a clothesline...Mully ducks and holds on to Barry's waist...running go behind into the ropes, and a roll-up! Barry struggling to get free!

JTM: Yo, Garry in tha ring...lets see if he break up tha count, will he be pickin' his partna over his ole girlfriend?

SW: Sculder with diving forearm that knocks Garry into the ref! Poor official, he's taking a beating here...ummmm, tonight. The ref is down, Sculder and Garry now fighting on the outside of the ring. Mully still has Barry in the roll-up, the count is at least to 6 by now!

("Thank You For Being A Friend", the theme to The Golden Girls begins to play as an elderly lady makes her way down the ramp)

SW: WHAT THA! That's Rue McClananhan, Blanche Deveroux from The Golden Girls! What is SHE doing here?

NH: Don't you remember The Jocks partying with her after SUPERCARD V? She's came to save her boy toys, and make sure Garry doesn't shack up with Mully, again. Ewwwwwww.

JTM: Yo, she ain't to bad fo an ole wrinkled up ho.

NH: Jamal, that's terrible.

JTM: But true. Word.

SW: She's in the ring, Mully still holding that roll-up, never seeing McClananhan or hearing that familiar music, adhering strictly to the script. Ummm, never mind that last part. Blanche grabs Mully's chin from behind the unsuspecting agent...a neckbreaker! Oh, can I say it? IT'S A RUE AWAKENING! (Scotty smiles, and Barry Horowitz's himself)

NH: Rue quickly, well not really quickly, but exits the ringside area. Sculder and Garry still battling outside the squared circle. The ref has returned, Captain Oblivious to anything that has happened in the ring. ONE...TWO...THREE! Barry gets the cover.

JTM: Yo, looks like anotha win fo Tha Jocks, Wait up, yo...The ref found sumding in tha ring.

SW: It's a bottle of Twice Of Day Plus Iron(patent pending), all the proof he needs that The Ambulance Jockey's lastest tart was in there and interferred. He's waving his hands, reversing the decision!

AL: Ladies and gentlemen, your winners as a result of a disqualification...THE AGENCY!

(Sudden jump-cut. Jamal vanishes, Scotty's clean-shaven again, and the cowpie Palace has morphed into the Slobberknocker Arena. Ahhh, the magic of pre-taped shows!)

SW: It's time for our Main Event! And this one should be a real barn-burner! The Mid-carder and Below Under-The-Top-Rope-Over-The-Bottom-Rope-What-The-Heck-Happened-To-The-Middle-Rope-Battle Royal! And to make things really interesting, each man will be given a randomly-selected Hardcore Prop(TM) before he enters the ring!

NH: This sounds like another of your brilliant booking descions, Scotty!

SW: Hey, DK should had read the fine print closer! I get to make the stips of one match per month! So let's get the jobbers and curtain-jerkers down here!

NH: Anything you say, Scotty! BILL leads the way, armed with the ever-popular steel chair... Broadway Musical Man is close behind with the not-so-popular directors chair. StreetMime walks against the wind to the ring, equipped with a four-slice toaster. Head Trauma Boy Flatline with a crowbar...

SW: Crowbar? Cool! Is that cute little goth chick with him?

NH: A crowbar, you idiot! Speaking of goth, Lord Sexbat makes his way to the ring, with.. something... What is that?

LS: Umm.. it doth appear to be a kind of a long, pointed thing that goes "Parp"...

PARP!

LS: See?

SW: Wierd. Woodstock arrives, toting the "Dim to Egg" volume of the Encyclopedia Brittanica, followed by douja with a nail-studded hockey stick. And there's Captain Obvious!

CO: I've got a kendo stick! BLEEP! Look! It's made of bamboo! BLEEP! It's for hitting people with!

SW: Get in the ring, you moron! Oops! Obvious accidently hit Lord Sexbat with the kendo stick on the way in! Sexbat retaliates...

PARP!

SW: ...And this thing is off and running! We don't even have all our participants yet!

NH: I don't think anyone cares! Look at them go to work! You'd think this was something important at stake... Scotty... you've got a guilty look on your face... What did you tell them?

SW: Nothing! Although...

NH: What?

SW: I... might have hinted... possibly... that the winner gets a shot at the ICCTINACBBIC Title... kind of...

NH: Oh, you are in sooooo much trouble...

SW: Hey, it makes them work harder! Look at them! This is the most action we've had in weeks! douja clotheslines BILL with his hockey stick! Flatline is being brutalised by Woodstock! So much for "Words will never hurt me!". Captain Obvious is pounding Lord Sexbat into the turnbuckle! Whips him with the kendo stick!

NH: We've got some more wrestlers on their way! The Ambulance Jockeys head down the aisle! Barrys found himself a barbed-wire wrapped foam finger, while Garry has a selection of fireworks! And there's The Breakdance Inferno, making an Edge-like entrance through the crowd!

SW: Actually, I think he's just gotten lost... The fans toss him into the ringside area! He's armed with a laptop computer!

NH: Shades of the Techie Salesmen from Hell! The ring is starting to fill up! Four is heading for the melee, along with Herb Romaine!

SW: Herb has a Salad Shooter, while Four has a pair of pliers! This is getting brutal! Woodstock drops BILL with a spinning stump kick! douja spears a ringpost! Broadway Musical Man smashes Coma with his chair!

PARP! PARP! PARP!

SW: Great use of the long, pointed thing that goes "Parp" by Lord Sexbat! Flatline retalites with his crowbar... and here come Czech Plees, both bearing tables!! Jan has a small coffee table, while Bretislav struggles beneath the weight of an entire craps table!

VO: YOU GO, GLITTER!

NH: It's the Rump Ranger!! Listen to the fans go crazy! He rides down to ringside and leaps into the ring! Look at him go to work with that leather riding crop! He wallops StreetMime with it! And who's he waving down to the ring?

SW: It's the Don't Ask, Don't Tell Protection Agency! Ben Dover has a "Softcore Zack" Brand Nerf baseball bat, and Dick Groper has a twelve pack of "Beer For Girls"!

NH: And there's our first elimination! BILL flies from the ring with one swipe of Woodstocks encyclopedia! Head-first into the guardrail. The fans get a few of BILLs' teeth as sovineers!

SW: I'm surprised he has any left! Hey, here comes The Agency! Both armed with matching "His" and "Mullys" towels!

NH: You can't do anything with towels!

Sculder: We wet them! Look!

WHHOPP!

Herb Romaine: OW!

Sculder: See?

NH: Fair enough! The Extreme Athelete, Bryan Carson races down the aisle on a skateboard! A crowd-pleasing entrance there!

SMACK!

NH: Too bad he failed to negotiate the ring-steps... Bryan staggers into the ring and is immediatly tossed out the other side by Jan Plees.

SW: A quick night for Bryan... Here comes Monkey Boy!

MB: Mesa got a buch of bananas! Mmmm!

NH: Or possibly Jar Jar Binks! Scotty, this "One at a Time" entrance gimmick is getting stale.. look at all the great action in the ring we're missing...

PARP!

SW: All right, all right.. send the rest of them down!

(The remaining participants charge the ring en masse. To sum up.. Lenny F'n Dykstra with a 12-pound bowling ball, Anarchy with a garden rake, Da Sassy One and Salimino Smith with a fruit basket and a lead pipe respectivly, Mike "Stock Boy" Coates with a sink plunger, "The Fascist" Blake Rogers with a pipe wrench, Sir Hungalot with Super-8 camera and the Creepy Timekeeper with a giant lollypop. He wasn't on the list, but who's going to stop him?)

NH: Is that the lot?

SW: I think so...

Distorted Voice-Over: J-W-O!

NH: What? Oh, Scotty you didn't?

SW: Hey, I owed them a favour! Here comes the "Brawlers On A Budgets" Jobber World Order in it's entirety! Super Mollusc and Bivalve lead the way, followed by Xenmorph, DJ Rawkus and MC Carjack, Alex "I Have A Guitar" Smith and Big SeXXXy, XXXtreme Machine! They all pile into the ring!

NH: And in XXXtreme Machines case, get thrown straight back out again!

SW: Anarchy just grabbed him by his "i am not a jobber" T-shirt and sent him airborne! The ring is packed! Thirty men, battling for domination! This is GREAT! Woodstock has Betislav Plees in a headlock.. opens that thick volume.. ooh, slammed his head right in there! Great work! Adds insult to injury with a vicious page riffle!

NH: That could leave multiple paper cuts! Mike Coates is nailed in the back by Captain Obvious! Retaliates with a back heel kick, Obvious cannons into Bivalve of the jWo!

SW: They're teetering on the bottom rope... douja looking for a baseball slide to eliminate them! And there they go!

NH: And there goes douja with them! I guess once you're sliding, it's hard to stop.. especially if you're wasted... Sculder quickly siezes the advantage on Mike Coates, with a well-aimed damp towel shot! Jan Plees sets up his table, and back suplexes Monkey Boy through it! Salimino Smith piledrives a hapless StreetMime! Blasts him with his fruit basket! Streetmime stumbles back.. and gets dropkicked out of the ring by Ben Dover!

SW: Ben better watch his as... I mean, watch his back! Garry Greene's lighting a Roman candle! Oh YEAH! A facefull of sparks for Ben! He staggers back to the ropes.. and Dover goes over!

NH: Coma heds for the top rope.. corkscrew moonsault into that seething mass of humanity! Is he insane?

SW: Well...

NH: Sorry, stupid question, wasn't it? Comas' fall is broken by Da Sassy One and Blake Rogers who were trading blows! Look out, now Monkey Boy is heading up! Frankensteiner on the Rump Ranger.. NO!

SW: Blocked and counterd with a huge powerbomb! One of Monkey Boys bananas flies out of the bunch! DJ Rawkus steps on it.. Good Lord! He's out of control! He skids across the ring, collecting Broadway Musical Man and MC Carjack on the way! They all exit the ring in an untidy sprawl!

NH: Anarchy is in trouble. Four has a four-tuitous grip on his nose with thos pliers! Look at the four-ce he's applying! Four-tunatly he evens things up with a blantant lowblow!

SW: Behind him, Coma was just DDT'ed onto his own laptop by Herb Romaine! The Rump Ranger goes downstairs on Mully.. with little effect, I might add...

NH: The Plees brothers have Four! They set up the craps table.. Double Spiked Powerbomb right on the pass line! Snake eyes!!

SW: And Sir Hungalot adds emphasis with a legdrop from the top! Four is easily eliminated after that combo!

NH: Dick Groper has Lenny Dykstra in the corner. He's going for a bronco buster! I can't watch!

SW: Lenny brings up his bowling ball for defense! Ow! Crushing blow for Dick there! The pink-haired one simply rolls the incapacitated Groper out of the ring and celebrates with a Beer For Girls!

NH: It's starting to thin out now... Mike Coates has Flatines face jammed into his plunger.. and tosses him through the ropes! Flatline is gone....

SW: He's still got the plunger attached to his face.. that's going to give the ER doctors a few laughs... Mike finds Captain Obvious' discarded kendo stick and goes to work on Monkey Boy with it...

NH: Xenomorph and Alex "No Gimmick" Smith are also gone.. but they're jobbers, so no-one cares... Someone else is missing, I think... Who is it?

The Creepy Timekeeper: Eeeehh.. that was fun! Like a lick of my lollypop?

NH: Go away, Creepy! Damn it Scotty get out from under the table!

SW: Not until he goes away!

NH: Oh, brother! (THUMP!) Oh, hi Barry! Nice landing!

SW: What was that?

NH: Barry Brown was just eliminated by Salimino Smith... for heavens sake Scotty, get out of there.. Creepy left..

SW: Oh good..

NH: Wait a minute! Here comes Bobo Fiendish!

SW: Yikes!! Move your leg!

NH: Damn it Scotty! I'm sooo glad I wore a long skirt today.. Bobo climbs into the ring... he's got Woodstock! Heaves him out effortlessly! I think he's dragging him this way!

SW: MOMMY!!!

NH: He sets Woodstock up.. FAREWELL TO THE FLESH! Right Through the table! Scotty, are you okay?

SW: ...

NH: I told you to come out from under there.. Bobo stalks off leaving Woodstock in a puddle on the floor.. I guess someone wanted to send a message to Neige Thirteen! Back in the ring, the Rump Ranger is beating Jan Plees with his riding crop! Bretislav tries to help out... Rumpy grabs the Nerf Baseball bat... wham! there goes Bretislav! Another swing and he eliminates Jan! He's a one man assault force! Behind him, Salimino Smith grabs Anarchym and whips him across the ring! The Ranger never saw him coming! They both crash through the ropes! Salimno doesn't have time to celebrate however, as Da Sassy One levels him with a pineapple! Salimino can't believe it! His own partner turned on him! He charges him.. and spears Sassy right out of the ring! Both men are eliminated! Well, it is every man for himself.. I'm sure they won't take this personally...

SW: Wha'.. nurrr..

NH: Oh, good.. Scotty's coming round...

SW: Wha' hit me..

NH: 150 pounds of snow and a table.. look out! Coma and Monkey Boy are fighting on the turnbuckle... Coma's going for a top-rope powerbomb.. no, Coma! In the ring! IN THE RING! Scotty, Incoming!!

SW: Wha...?

SMASH!!!

NH: Scotty?

SW: ...

NH: Oh, great! Monkey Boy, Coma, are you two all right?

MB: Ouchie..

Coma: Poink.

NH: Well put, both of you.

PARP!

NH: Lord Sexbat just eliminated Sculder! We're down to Sexbat, Mully, Herb Romaine, Sir Hungalot, Super Mollusc, Garry Greene, The Stock Boy, Blake Rogers and Lenny "F'n" Dykstra! Sir Hungalot wipes out Super Mollusc with the battery pack from his camera... Blake Rogers sets him up.. FASCISTINATOR!!

SW: Wha...?

NH: So I made that up... Super Mollusc is gone and we're down to eight! Sir Hungalot high-fives Blake... He'd better watch Garry Greene! Oh my! Garry just rammed a lit firework down Hungalots tights!

WHOOMP! WHEEEEEEE!!!

NH: The Big Sir eliminates himself and is headed for the back in search of a bucket of water!

SW: That had to smart!

NH: Oh, you're back on the job, Scotty. Not that I haven't done a perfectly good job covering for you, of course... Just seven men left!

SW: Well, six and Mully...

NH: I wonder if Garry knows he's smouldering?

GG: I'm what? OH CRAP!

WHOOSH!! WHIZZ! BANG!! FWIZZZ!! (etc.)

NH: Garrys stock of over-the-border fireworks just went up like an Dutch factory! He's propelled backwards by the force of the explosion!! Mully and Blake Rogers can't get out of the way in time and all three are out of here! The crowd is loving this!!

SW: In the confusion, Herb Romaine eliminated Mike Coates with a high-velocity stream of cucumber slices from his Salad Shooter! There's just three men left!

NH: Thank God for that... I feel like I've been here for weeks! Lenny Dykstra and Lord Sexbat are grappling in the corner. Herb aims his Salad Shooter..

SW: Oh, my God! He's got an entire romaine lettuce! Oh the Humanity!!

BZZZT!!

SW: Lenny and Lestat and blinded by a shower of shredded leaves! Herb grabs Lenny by his pink hair and buuldogs him with authority! Picks him up.. standing dropkick... Lenny teeters.. he's going.. he's going.. he's gone! Lord Sexbat and Herb Romaine are the only men left! Look at them go to work! Lefts and rights being exchanged! Big headbutt sends Herb reeling! Sexbat to the ropes.. huge clothesline! Herb rebouds off the ropes and Sexbat delivers a swinging neckbreaker!

PARP!!

Herb Romaine: Will you quit it with that thing?

PARP!!

SW: Sexbat is in control! He heads to the top rope! He leaps... Herb ducks! Sexbat lands on Anarchys rake which smacks him in the face! He sits down hard!

BANG!

NH: Right onto an unexploded firework! Sexbat leaps to his feet and accidently stands on the lead pipe! Face first into the remains of the fruit basket! Herb Romaine waits for Lord sexbat to stumble back to his feet... grabs him by the seat of his pants.. AND THERE HE GOES!!

AL: Here is your winner.. HERB ROMAINE!!

SW: What a sensational match!! And it just finshed in time! For Nurse Heidi and Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Scotty Whatbody saying, we'll see you at...

(Cut to black)


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