Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker opened with Texas Kid seated at a desk, wearing a suit three sizes to small, and of course, his mask.
"Um...uh...hello. I'm Texas Kid. Most you probably don't know that...most of you could probably care less. Anyway, Sphere has made me, uh...let's see what he wrote here...."
TK picks up a piece of paper and scans his eyes across it.
"Ah. Commissioner For A Day. Yes, that's right, I'm in charge today, because Sphere and all his tag partners from the Survival Series are on vacation, celebrating their victory at fWEo's extremely successful first pay-per-view just ten days ago."
A confused look comes across TK's face, and he looks at the paper again.
"Wait a minute. They lost! Um...but, yeah, the paper says they won, and Sphere wrote everything down, so I guess it's right. Uh, furthermore, I talked to Mike Heftel earlier today, and he pitched the idea of the second annual Jobber of the Year Tournament to me, and I liked it, so today, you will see all four quarterfinal matchups in the tournament. As with last year's, if you lose the match, you advance, and if one of the competitors in the match is the reigning Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion, the title is on the line. Mike Heftel has also assured me that he's brought in four top stars from another great promotion out there...but he didn't say who, so...I guess, that's, like, a surprise or something. Yeah...oh, oh yeah. One more thing...the next fWEo pay-per-view will come to you live January 18th, it's called Royal Battle."
TK taps on the desk with a pencil.
"My God, I suck at this job."
LIVE from The Bingo Hall in New Minas, Nova Scotia, Canada
December 7th, 2002
Janitor Nine vs. Insano Mano
Top stars were promised. It was time to deliver. "Generic Luchadore Entrance Music (Eddie B. Super Scratch-n-Mix)" hit and out walked...
Well, luckily I know since I'm the Detached Narrator and am being borrowed by the fed tonight from Brawlers On a Budget. Yes, BOB. Find our link on the links page. We're funnier than the fWEO. And we've been around longer. ;^) We're just lazier than these 'Idiots,' if you can believe THAT!
Anyway...the man who stepped out was Insano Mano! The insane luchadore from Suicida, Mexico! And this place has even sprung for sub-titles, so we'll actually get to understand what Insano Mano is saying for a change:
Insano Mano stepped out and looked up at the big picture on the screen.
"¿Quién en el infierno es ése supuesto para ser?"
SUBTITLE: Who in hell is that one assumption to be?
Well, anyway, as I, the fWEo Detached Narrator just now kicked the BOB Detached Narrator in the Detached Nutsack, it has come time to introduce the REAL star of the show! For approaching the ring, to the lovely tune of "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast, was JANITOR NINE!
Yes, Janitor Nine.
Witness the masterfulness that was Janitor Nine as he brushed through the curtains, and started to raise his arms up in the air, and make "whoop whoop" noises to the crowd!
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!
"Gunshyuu? Naniga gunshyuuka? :-/"
SUBTITLE: Crowd? What crowd? :-/
*Ahem* Well, this match should be great…well…sub-par, let's be honest. Insano Mano told me all about what a pathetic loser Janitor Nine is.
AND THE CROWD GOES MONKEY!
"¿Jigga de Whoomp de whoomp qué?"
SUBTITLE: Jigga de Whoomp of whoomp that?
*Sigh* No more ebonics, Mano. You're a luchadore.
Monkey? MONKEY?! Holy mother of the Virgin Mary, BOB Detached Narrator, that was the stupidest thing I've heard since Senor Funpants tried to explain to me that his name wasn't Senor Funpants! What in the blue hell IS that?!
"Sumimasen, fWEo Detached Narrator-sanwa, naniga jigoku hanasu? :-o"
SUBTITLE: What the hell are you talking about, fWEo Detached Narrator? :-o
I'm not quite sure, myself, good sir Nine.
Don't make me come over there and kick your ass fWEoDN. You don't want none of this. Look at me. I can't be stopped. You can't stop this. My words just keep going and going. You can't even compete with my typing flow like this. You see? I type and the words come onto the screen. And I can see the future, and I can myself typing me kicking your ass.
"Umm. ¿Allí no se supone ser un fósforo aquí?" Insano Mano preguntado.
Who's pregnant? Where are the sub-titles! What did you just say? Janitor Nine looks like a pregnant turtle?
"NO NO!" Insano Mano protestado.
SUBTITLE: There does not assume to be a phosphorus aqui '?
I'm sorry, but WHO'S kicking WHO'S ass? Listen, pal, I created the Earth and the Heavens, not to mention the World's Biggest Penis, which firmly belongs to me. What did you create? A couple of idiots and a bad running gag. See, it all goes back to the spinach and the toothbrush. You're kind of like spinach. You're green and nasty and nobody wants to eat you, and when people DO eat you, you get all caught up in their teeth. That kinda pisses people off! So, I'm the fucking toothbrush that gets your ass out of their teeth!
"Naniga haburashika? Iie haburashi mimasen! =/"
SUBTITLE: What toothbrush? I see no toothbrush!
It's in the trees!
SUBTITLE: Aiiiie! =-o
You wanna talk food do ya? Well let me tell you something. I am the BOB Calorifically Challenged Champion, pal! Do you know how hard I had to work to get that?
"Su tarjeta que juega consiguió dibujada," Insano Mano precisado.
SUBTITLE: Its card that plays obtained drawn.
Stop talking! So as far as your toothbrush argument goes, you can take that toothbrush, put some toothpaste on it and brush my ass!
Insano Mano shook his head.
NO HE DIDN'T. He jumped around and laughed at the lameness that is fWEoDN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, I think he definitely was shaking his head. He's shaking his head because he knows that he doesn't want to work for the cornucopia of lameness that is the BOBDN.
"Hey, I don't mean to break away from the Japanese schtick, but I don't think the BOBDN is la- :-o"
SHUT UP. Did I give you permission to speak? No! I'm the narrator here! You will speak when I will it! In fact, now that you've so thoroughly annoyed me, Janitor Nine, you are now being hanged upside-down while Insano Mano slowly dips you in chocolate pudding!
"This isn't co-- BLUBRUBLURBURHBRUBRUBRUBU!!! =-o"
SUBTITLE: This isn't co-- BLUBRUBLURBURHBRUBRUBRUBU!!! =-o
BWAHAHAHA. Look at you. You can't even control your own creation. Watch this:
BOBDN puts a tutu on fWEoDN. He then pulls it down.
*Points at you and laughs*
YOU'RE A JERKASS!
" Mis brazos están consiguiendo --"
Listen Insane Hands, I don't have time for your CRAP! Your arms are getting tired? Well boo-hoo! Just for that...Janitor Nine, and his dookie face, gets free...um...somehow. And...uh...man, it's too late to be thinking up matches...he...um....HE DOES SOMETHING REALLY BAD TO INSANO MANO! DAMN IT I'M PANICKING! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT I'M IN ALL CAPS MODE fWEoDN!!!!!
Oh, boohoo, BOBDN. As a matter of fact...
fWEoDN kicks BOBDN in the nuts. Six times in a row. And he isn't wearing a cup.
Ha! Take THAT! Booyah, punk!
"Er, um... I'm not exactly liking this. :'( I mean, you, Mr. BOB Detached Narrator, made me put my foot into Insano Mano's backside, and it's really uncomfortable for the both of us. :-/"
SILENCE! The point of that is that it's an amusing visual! I mean, even me and the BOB DN can agree to that! Since you're so bitchy about it, I am now contorting your body into a pretzel shape! Have fun!
As I pull myself up, clutching my aching cyber-nuts, I stare at fWEo DN and think....why can't we all just get along? I mean, in this crazy mixed up world, why must everyone be feuding and a fussing. Oh golly gee fWEo DN, how about a hug and we beat the crap out of these two little idiots for our own amusement?
Sounds good to me!
Insano Mano and Janitor Nine looked at each other and their languages united: "Uh oh!"
SUBTITLE: Uh oh!
Suddenly, Janitor Nine found himself getting kicked in the balls by Insano Mano! While Insano Mano was trying to stop his leg from spontaneously moving, Janitor Nine retaliated with a flying hutananny. I don't know what a flying hutananny is, but it definitely had to be wicked.
But Mano came back and hit a flipping slingshot shooting star corkscrew suicida tope moonsault senton eye poke...with a twist...and Mano could only stare in horror....and noticed...his fingernail....was dirty.
"Hey! >:o I wash my eye every da-"
Shut up! Who's in charge here?! We are! So, just for that little remark, I'm turning you into a seal.
"Arup arup arup! :-(" Janitor Nine yelled, as he became a seal for at least this match. Hey, I'm pretty aware that Nine won't be a seal after this match, there's a segment involving him right after. Um, I'm not breaking kayfabe, am I?
A seal? That's interesting. Hmm..How about..
And then, Insano Mano could only say one thing. Well...not really say, MWAHAHAHAHA.
Insano Cowo headed up to the top rope, ready to take on Seal Nine. OH GOOD GOD! Insano Cowo just sprayed Seal Nine with milk from his many many udders! This one may be all over!
That was the Insano Cowo Udder Stunner! This one is in the books! Yes! Insano Cowo has sat on Seal Nine's fallen seal body! Here's the Referee for the count!
"Um. This is the stupidest match ever."
WHAT?! It's BRILLIANT! Brilliant, I say! It's a work of art, brought to you by the Detached Narrators of both fWEo and BOB! How dare you! Now I'm just going to put you in a clown outfit for the rest of this match.
One. Two. Three.
And the Detached Narrators said: Let there be sleep....er....other segments!
Then, somewhere in all of this, Mano, Nine, and the Referee regained their original forms. And there was much rejoicing.
Winner: Insano Mano by pinfall; Janitor Nine advances
Sarah & Angel: Take One
Adam Nowell was casually walking around backstage, minding his own business, and somewhat trying to figure out a way to get away from these idiots long enough to get back to the World With Shrimp and pretend this stuff never happened.
That's when she appeared.
Sarah, "the Jobber Slayer".
"Hey, you're Angel!? Wait a second... I thought the last Angel was Angel. What Angel are you?" Sarah said to Nowell.
"I'm not Ang--" Nowell started, but it was no use, as Sarah interrupted him quickly.
"And what are you missing?"
Nowell was quick to respond to that.
"My sanity!" Nowell yelled, before he got on his hands and knees. "Please, pretty lady person! You've got to get me out of here!"
"Does that mean we have to sleep together and I have to fall hopelessly in love with you before I break your kneecap for the good of the wrestling world?"
Nowell got up quickly, and he blinked.
"Er, wrestling? You're not from around here, are you?"
"What gave it away? My stylish, yet affordable fashion sense?" Sarah asked with a sarcastic smile.
"Probably the fact that you mentioned wrestling. We do something called 'sucking'. It's a new expierence for me. Though, uh, some people say that I was doing it before I came here." Nowell said, with a frown.
"Sucking huh?" Sarah says, pulling out a 6-inch banana from her waistline. "I know a little about sucking," she said, slowly peeling the banana, before slowly putting the tip against her lips and giving Nowell the puppy dog eyes.
Nowell wasn't yet affected.
"You are strange and off-putting, Miss Slayer person."
"Is that a stake in your pocket or..." she said, as she slowly slid the banana into her mouth.
"Which pocket? They made me wear this cheap trenchcoat. And it's chafing me."
"That one right there," she said, but as she did so, chunks of banana were spit out from her mouth all over his trenchcoat. "Oops, my bad. Let me help you Angel."
"Er, what are you doing, and why are you unbuttoning my trenchcoat?"
"You don't expect these banana stains to clean themself do you?"
"Well, no, but... hey, ow!"
"Oops... sorry. Didn't mean to bite you....that time...I haven't unbuttoned a trenchcoat with my teeth in..... um..... a while."
"I can tell. You're aiming at my pants."
Let's pretend this didn't happen. Let's have a second take, later!
Sarah & Angel: Take Two
Adam Nowell was casually walking around backstage, minding his own business, and somewhat trying to figure out a way to get away from these idiots long enough to get back to the World With Shrimp and pretend this stuff never happened.
That's when she appeared. With a puppy in her arms.
Sarah, "the Jobber Slayer".
"Here you go!" she said, holding the puppy toward Nowell.
"That's, uh, not my puppy." Nowell said.
Sarah looked at the puppy, who gave her sad puppy dog eyes. "Oh? No big," she said, before she casually tossed the dog over the shoulder. A yelp was heard, followed closely thereafter by the sound of glass shattering, "Isn't that bad luck?"
Nowell shrugged in confusion.
Sarah shrugged, herself.
"I swear I'll help you find your puppy. But if I can't, I can guarantee that there'll at least be a kitty you can settle for." Sarah said with a wink.
Nowell raised his often-insulted eyebrow, "A, uh, kitty?"
"I've never gotten a 'meow' before." Nowell observed.
"I've never given a 'meow' before." Sarah said. She then made a face, which looked something like this:
"Peachy keen." Nowell said, before his eyebrows raised even more and he picked up a peach. He shrugged. "Two for a dollar!"
"You like to feed on peaches, huh?" Sarah inquired, "Is that what gives you your sucking powers?"
Nowell had a response to this. Really, he did. But as soon as she brought up the words "sucking powers", you might as well have taken his response out back and put it out of its misery with a fourteen-gauge shotgun.
"I, uh, er... uh... ZUH!?"
Sarah ignored him, "Come on, your puppy ain't gonna find itself. Unless it went on a coast to coast road trip in your station wagon with just a change of underwear, $7 and a carload of various drugs."
Finally, after about ten seconds of silence, Nowell formulated some words, "When did puppies get into this conversation?"
"About 12 paragraphs ago I think. When we decided to go the simpler route."
"Huh? Er, oh," Angel said, pretending to understand what Sarah just said, "Right. Um. Anyway. Uh. Nice, uh... nice wooden thingie you've got there."
"My box? Yeah, it is rather nice, isn't it? And it smells so good too. Wanna smell my box?"
"Nice box." Angel commented with a whistle.
She held up the small box that had been at her feet and opened it up wide for him to see what was inside. Her box was filled with bananas.
"Oh dear god, we're going to go with this joke again, aren't we?"
Sarah sighed and dropped her head in shame.
Slowly, she nodded.
Then she quickly changed the subject. "So, are we gonna find your puppy, your sanity, or...perhaps a quiet spot in a giant mansion beside a roaring fire where we can, chat?"
"We have a mansion?"
"Sure we do. Watch this."
Sarah snapped her fingers. Suddenly, Angel and Sarah found themselves in a mansion. It was big, too. And there's a roaring fire. Next to it were a couple of computers sitting next to each other. The familiar sounds of AIM starting up were heard. Angel and Sarah headed to a computer and began IMing each other.
NowellAngel: What in the blue hell was that?
JobberSlayingSarah: Whoa, wait, it looks like Season 1 will be out on DVD in February. Nice! I'll chat to you later Angel. *Hugs*
NowellAngel: Season... one... what?
JobberSlayingSarah: Your First Season of course. Did someone drink a cup full of huzzuh today?
NowellAngel: I'm confused here. Who in the what did a First Season when?
JobberSlayingSarah: Hey, are you in rebellion against that show too? Cuz you know Buffy stole my identity. I bet David Bore...uh....Borea....something or other.....did he steal your life too?
NowellAngel: No, Sphere did.
NowellAngel: Long story. It involves a bear, a telephone booth, and a superhero in drag.
JobberSlayingSarah: Sphere, huh? Maybe he stole your puppy too! It's all falling into place. I'm gonna make you complete. I'm gonna reunite you with your puppy. And then you can leave this place and have your puppy back.
NowellAngel: Thank god!
Then, suddenly, a loud booming voice from the Heaven's spake unto Sarah and Angel: "Stop bothering me for this petty crap!"
Nowell groaned and looked up.
"Scott Hart, turn the microphone off, I know it's you."
"GOD DAMMIT, I AM *NOT* SCOTT HART!" Texas Kid boomed. "I AM TEXAS KID! Texas frigging Kid!"
"You sound a lot like him."
"Just shut up, Angel."
Waru vs. Kamikazie Ken
"Heterosexual Man" started to play, bringing out Waru for the next JOTY quarterfinal matchup. The picture being projected onto the wall was one of Waru *before* he obtained his mask, but of course, he didn't notice. His theme had stopped playing, and he still wasn't in the ring, so the ref decided to help him get into the squared circle. Once he got in, he attempted to give the ref the "thumbs up" gesture, but instead gave one of the turnbuckles the finger.
His opposition's music began playing. "Ride of the Valkyries" the MIDI version, taken from BOB: The Music Vol. 1. He came not from the entrance way but from his more favored position. A place where he could put some serious hurting on somebody…though it's usually himself. That man? Kamikazie Ken. That place? High up in the rafters. His stance: Super-hero like, except without the breeze. Ken had his target in his site. That little ant with a mask down below him.
"AVENGE MY DEATH!!!" Ken shouted as he aimed for Waru.
CRUNCH CRASH SPLINTER.
Ken destroyed the Transylvanian announce table!
Too bad Waru was nowhere near it.
"Why the HELL do we have a Transylvanian announce table if we have no Transylvanian announce team?", color commentator Larry Zbyszko asked play-by-play man Sean Mooney.
"Ladies and gentlemen, that was SURELY a Coliseum Video Exclusive!", was Mooney's response.
Ken looked up. "So I'm not facing the ant with the luchadore mask?"
"Who are you calling an ant?", shouted Waru.
"No, seriously, I wanna know! I wanna make fun of him, too!"
Instead of engaging in conversation, Ken has decided to grab a lightbulb tube with nails wrapped in barbed wire, connected to a car battery. He struggles to get the contraption into the ring, but trips and falls, his head breaking the tube. Thinking fast, Ken puts his hands to his face, then quickly digs into his trunks and pulls a shiny object back up toward his forehead area.
"Oh my God, I've been busted open! Look!", Ken shouts, pointing to his forehead, which, sure enough is dripping blood. It should also be noted that his mask is ripped in the forehead area.
Ken shook his head. There was an odd rattling noise. "That can't be good." He grabbed a stack of chairs and began tossing them into the ring. Then he went under the ring and pulled out a barrel and then a bag of rocksalt. He hobbled into the ring and dunked the chair into the barrel. It was something dark and sticky. He then dunked the chair into the rocksalt.
Ken looked at Waru.
"I can't hear anything. That must mean everyone's looking at me for some reason. Either that or I've showed up at the wrong arena again.", Waru said to no one in particular.
Ken ran to the ropes and headed up top, ready to come crashing down on Waru's skull with the sticky chair full of rocksalt. Ken dove and....
"As I shake my boot, it feels like it's untied. I should correct that.", Waru said, bending down to apparently tie the lace on one of his boots.
Waru felt a slight breeze blow by him. Ken, however, felt all his weight crushing down onto his fingers, which were under the sticky rock salt chair. As he howled in pain he rolled through, but ended up rolling onto chair after chair, his spine bouncing up and down from metal chair to metal chair until, blessedly, he fell to the concrete floor face first.
The ref began his count, as Waru struggled to tie the lace on his boot. The ref reached ten, and awarded the match to Waru as a result of a count-out.
"Wait a minute. I'm not wearing boots.", Waru said to himself, before SACJ headed backstage.
Winner: Waru by count-out; Kamikazie Ken advances
Offbeat Shenanigans, Part One
"Listen here, Janito, I know we agreed to annoy the first couple of people we happened to meet, but," Beef said to his partner, while holding what appeared to be a bucket of some sort of substance, "Isn't this kind of unoriginal?"
"Now you listen to me, sunshine, this is a bloody plan that I devised and know will work! You see, we shall place this sodding bucket on to their door, ever so slightly, so that when any blighter that opens it, they'll be pissed upon by this delightful bucket full of... whatever!" Janito explained.
"STUPID." Steve said.
"I'm sorry, what? Who the bloody hell designated YOU to be the leader of this operation, you wankstain?" El Janito asked. Steve briefly considered the idea of whacking him in the balls with his trusty Clothesline From Shanghai, but this became moot when Janito took the bucket from Beef's hand and started to climb up Oddjob to place it.
"Whoa! I made it back here in record time! My match finished about ten minutes ago!" Waru yelled, distracting all three members of Mega Job. Then, suddenly, out of the blue, the door swung openand caught Janito right in the balls.
This, of course, made Steve smile.
"What in the holy blue meaniehead?" Eleven asked, just before the bucket that Janito held tipped out of his hands and fell onto Seven, comically leaving the bucket covering Steve's face.
"Ahh! I can't see!"
"Hey, wait! Is someone making fun of me?!" Waru yelled, turning away from Mega Job and the two members of the Janitor Squad, "Listen, pal, it's not cool to make fun of people's handicaps!"
Waru wandered away, trying to press his point, "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"
All four men (Seven's eyesight being covered with a bucket) and a stepladder watched as he left, and then turned their attentions back to one another.
"Hey! You tried to meanieheadingly douse us!"
"I'd say they did a pretty good job," Seven said under the bucket, then turned away from Eleven, "Eleven, get this damn thing off of me!"
Eleven pulled the bucket off of Seven's face.
"Actually," Beef said, "Leave it on. He looks better that way."
"You big meaniehead!" Eleven yelled.
They'll be arguing for a while. Let's go somewhere else and see if we can catch them at the end of their argument.
Underweartaker (w/Sister Payne) vs. Joe Brown
Kelly Osbourne's "Papa Don't Preach" began to play, striking fear into the hearts of millions, as the Underweartaker made his way to the ring, accompanied by Sister Payne. His opponent, Joe Brown, was already in the ring, and once Underweartaker set foot in the ring, Brown literally crapped his pants in fear and passed out.
Winner: Underweartaker by causing his opponent to crap his pants
Some Bitch Stole Ted E.'s Tape
Mr. T and La Parka sat in their locker room, enjoying their sandwiches.
Mr. T had peanut butter and jelly, while La Parka had ham and cheese.
"Are you mocking me because I have a craving for jelly?"
"You are still mocking me."
"I believe I told you to stop. What's the matter? Can you not understand me?"
Before La Parka could answer a question which he didn't understand anyway, Evil Smokey The Bear barged into the locker room, causing the shimmying member of the Luchadores to fall out of his chair, backwards, right onto a bag of popcorn. Evil Smokey approached Mr. T, who stood up to greet him.
"Hello, there. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ah don't know what da HELL you just said, but one of yous gots ta know who gone and stoledid Ted E.'s tape, bitch!"
"I...I'm afraid I can't understand what you're saying."
"What? Speak English, foo!"
"What you sayin'?"
As Mr. T and Evil Smokey tried their hardest to understand what the other person was saying, La Parka stood up and dusted himself off.
"How 'bout you, cracka?", Evil Smokey asked La Parka.
"Aw, HELL NAW. I ain't gots time fo' dis."
Evil Smokey waved off the two and left the locker room. Meanwhile, Mr. T turned to La Parka.
"He seems like a fine young gentlemen. If only he'd brush up on his speaking skills."
Evil-Lyn vs. Kay Fabe
"Bitch" by Merdith Brooks brought out Evil-Lyn. Yep. It did.
After that was done, over the speakers came a woman's voice: "IF YA SMELLLLLALALALALALALA. What the LESBIAN. Is….Cooking! "Queer" by Garbage played and out walked the sexiest Wiccan lesbian in parody sports entertainment today, Kay Fabe. Pushing a casket on wheels.
Funny, didn't know they *made* those.
Kay Fabe grabbed a mic from, uh, somewhere and headed onto the ropes to stand before the hundreds of chairs chanting the Lesbian's name.
Right, so they weren't actually chanting, since chairs can't chant. But in Kay Fabe's twisted little mind, the chairs were chanting her name. OK?
"Finally, Kay Fabe, HAS COME. In the fWEo!"
Huge pop from the non-existent crowd.
"Now. Evil-Lyn. You want to go ONE, ON, ONE, with the Lesbian? Well Evil-Lyn, Kay Fabe has a question for you. More of a proposal. Because Kay Fabe loves to get down on her knees when it comes to women. But since Kay Fabe is standing on the ropes right now, it would physically be impossible to get down on my knees on thin air, so, this will be a proposal in spirit only."
Evil-Lyn looked for a wristwatch.
"But to make a long rant short, Kay Fabe wants to know if you would be willing to walk out of the Lesbian's ring, get into the Lesbian's casket, and, pretend your name is Katie Vick for about an hour or two."
The crowd that isn't there popped HUGE for the blatantly obvious sexual proposition.
Evil-Lyn appeared stumped.
"Just use your BRAIN," Kay said. "Because if you get into that casket, using your brain may be a forgotten luxury."
Evil-Lyn began talking but nothing happened. Kay Fabe got down from the ropes and headed inside. As soon as the microphone got in front of her lips, suddenly there was sound coming from Evil-Lyn's direction.
"You want me to play dead? But...you seem like a....nice person. A VERY nice person.…"
Kay headed toward the ropes, thinking that Evil-Lyn was about to join her from some, um, stuff, in there. The Evil-Lyn charged at Kay and locked her arms around her mid-section. Their two bodies ran together as one toward the ropes. Kay held onto the ropes. Evil-Lyn held onto Kay.
"Was one of us supposed to NOT hold on?" Evil-Lyn wondered.
"Oh, Kay Fabe thinks we're doing just fine. Do that thing again."
Evil-Lyn ran into Kay again, sandwiching her between the ropes, but more importantly, ramming Kay's backside to Evil-Lyn's front side.
"Three times the charm," Kay said.
Evil-Lyn tried it again. This time, it didn't work again.
"Am I doing something wrong?" Evil-Lyn wondered.
"Let's switch and Kay Fabe will show you how to do the move correctly."
Evil-Lyn let go of the hold and in a flash, Kay Fabe was behind her. Her arms cinched in around her firm, flat belly.
"Oh. It appears as if there is some, wet, sticky substance on my hands. Let me wipe them off," Kay said slowly running her hands down Evil-Lyn's back. ALL the way down her back. So far down her back that Kay was down by Evil-Lyn's ankles by this point.
"You're not very good at this sports entertainment, are you honey? Well that's all right." Kay cocked an eyebrow and licked her lips seductively. "So what's your deal anyway?"
"You ever been with a woman before?"
"Yeah. I had quite a few tumbles with Claire. Man, she was REALLY rough on me. Look at the scars on my ankles, since, you're…down there already?"
Kay slowly licked her lips. This wrestling match was starting to resemble a strip-search more than anything.
"Kay Fabe sees you have some scars on your ankles. So you got those when another woman jumped on top of you?"
Evil-Lyn laughed nervously and turned around.
"Tell you what," Kay Fabe said. "Kay Fabe will teach you the most basic move of basic moves. The headscissors."
Kay got down on the mat and motioned for Evil-Lyn to join her.
"Come on. All you have to do is come down here and wrap your legs around my head. What do you usually do in your matches?"
"Umm. Hair-pulling. Slapping. Rolling around on the mat. You know. Chick stuff."
"Tell Kay Fabe something. Does that make you, HOT?"
"Well, yeah, I guess."
"Does it make you, wet?"
"Yeah, I guess I get a little sweaty."
Kay Fabe got up. "Why must you tease Kay Fabe so badly? That's it. You are going to taste Kay's Bottom!"
Evil-Lyn's mouth dropped open in an O. "Are you coming onto me?"
"NO! That's Kay Fabe's set-up move for Kay Fabe's finisher! The Sexiest Move In Parody Sports Entertainment Today! The Lesbian's Tongue!"
"Are you coming onto me?" Evil-Lyn asked again, stomping her foot.
The cat fight was on. The girls grabbed each other's hair and began rolling around on the mat. But suddenly, Kay Fabe ended up on the bottom as she wrapped her legs around Evil-Lyn in the body scissors from hell! Kay just stared up at Evil-Lyn, struggling to get free, her hair tossing, her jiggling body parts.
She never even heard the 1, 2, 3 count. Kay Fabe just continued to stare up at Evil-Lyn. Kay was smiling stupidly, occasionally closing her eyes and biting her lip and moaning as Evil-Lyn kept struggling.
"Oh yeah, baby, don't stop. That feels sooooo, good," Kay Fabe said. "Kay Fabe is broken."
Five minutes, and several bits of smooshing later…
Kay Fabe collapsed and released the hold.
Evil-Lyn stared down at Kay Fabe. She suddenly felt the urge to take a long shower. You know…a ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. That long in fact.
Winner: Evil-Lyn by pinfall; Kay Fabe advances
Offbeat Shenanigans, Part Two
Mega Job, Oddjob, Janitor Seven, and Janitor Eleven were all sitting around on a circular table, drinking tea and seemingly getting along very well.
"I say," Janito began, having long since recovered from the blow to his bollocks, "What will you be doing when you finally get out of this miserable dump?"
"I thought about opening a little janitorial carnival. Kids love janitors and carnivals, you know," Janitor Seven said, before he turned idly in a direction, "Holy crap! The Cameraman's back! QUICK! Into character!"
They tossed the table aside. Beef then shoved Janitor Eleven.
"Oh yeah? What're you going to do about it?" Beef mocked, pushing Eleven again.
"Hey, guys! :-D" Janitor Nine yelled, waving his arms around, trying to get the attention of both Mega Job and his partners in the Elite Janitor Squad of Destruction and Cleanliness.
He was thusly ignored.
"Meanieheadingly this!" Eleven said, grabbing at Beef's hair and tumbling to the floor, starting what could only be described as a male catfight. Janito and Seven, not really wanting to feel left out, did the same. Janitor Nine was fully expecting to get this treatment from Steve, but Steve continued to ignore him and watched the other two having the catfight.
Texas Kid just happened to walk in at this moment.
"What the HELL are you idiots doing?"
All of them froze, and slowly got up, facing Texas Kid.
"Well, uh, we were fighting, and, uh..." Beef fumbled, trying to sound convincing. Then he figured 'to hell with it!' and pointed an accusing finger at Eleven, "HE STARTED IT!"
"I did no meanieheaded thing!"
"No no no! You guys are GUYS! I can HEAR the channel changing!" Texas Kid interrupted.
Beef's face brightened.
"You can? Do you have, like, super powers? And if so, could they be useful in the fight against the criminal element in the city of Beefville?" Beef asked suddenly.
"Look, just SHUT UP already." Texas Kid said. "In fact, I know how we can settle this. How about you two face these two in a match...ooh, I got it! The match will be at Royal Battle, our next pay-per-view. Whoo-hoo! I signed a pay-per-view match!"
"Oh, you? Er, well, um... since there's nobody else here..." Texas Kid said, all while seemingly missing Janitor Nine jumping up in the air and waving his arms in the air franticly, "I'll put you in a cage at ringside, since I know it'll be so funny seeing you trying to get out!"
"DEATH." Steve yelled, before having to be restrained, with some difficulty, by both Mega Job AND the Janitors.
"Right, then, my job is done." Texas Kid said, before walking away.
Warriors & Chickens
For some reason, the Ultimate Warrior and Renegade were stuck sharing the same locker room, and Warrior couldn't help but gloat over the fact that his team triumphed over Renegade's team at the Survival Series.
"If it were not for the sweet nectar of the gods known as cotton candy, the Warrior surely would have been the one who eliminated the Renegade from their magnanimous contest at the Survival Series."
"I don't even know why I'm still here."
"The one known as Renegade knows that he wishes to follow the Warrior in his muddy footfalls, for he knows that the only path to follow is through the wisdom and ability of He that is the Warrior."
"What the hell are you TALKING about?!"
"The Warrior is talking straight out of his rectum, which you may call the ass."
"Yes. The Ass Of The Warrior. Follow the Warrior's ass, young one."
And as if it couldn't get any worse for Renegade...
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan entered the locker room.
"How is the seventh day of the twelfth month of the year two-thousand-and-two treating you, One With The Two-By-Four?"
"Not so good, TOUGH guy! HOOOOOOOO!"
"What troubles you, Saw of the Hack?"
"They got me sharing a room with this one guy who is nowhere near as tough as Good Ol' Hacksaw! HOOOOOO!"
"And surely he is not as powerful as the Warrior, either. No one is as powerful as the Warrior, whom is a god among gods."
"Yer darn tootin', tough GUY! HOOOOOOOO!"
Virgil walked into the locker room, right up to Duggan.
"You took a dump and didn't flush, chicken!"
"Hacksaw don't believe in flushing, tough GUY! It's the American way! HOOOOOOO!"
"The Warrior also does not flush, for fear that the porcelain gods will steal his soul."
Renegade got up from his seat.
"Alright, that's it, I'm out of here."
"Hey, wait one minute, chicken! How's about you team up with Da Man, and we face these chickens on da next show!"
"Fine, whatever, just...get out of my way."
Renegade left the locker room, and was followed by Virgil, after he shot a smirk at Warrior and Duggan.
"So it has been written, and so it shall come to pass. The Warrior and The Hacksaw will triumph over the Forces of Evil, who have disguised themselves as an imposter Warrior and a champion worth a million dollars!"
Mike Heftel (c) vs. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"
"Down With The Ship (Travis Beaven Remix)" by Scatterbrain introduced the fWEo crowd(or lack thereof) to the reigning Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion, Mike Heftel.
Um, and that's about it. What, you wanted description? Detail? Mock us not with such evil, for we are the fWEo, and such things are unneeded!
"Temptation Waits" by Garbage was playing in place of "Down With The Ship", which drew out Sarah, "the Jobber Slayer". Heftel thought about it for a moment, before he suddenly realized something.
"Oh, holy crap! I'm a jobber!"
The bell rang.
Heftel went down off of a single side kick, and Sarah simply shrugged and pinned him. Lord knows she wasn't jobbing around this joint.
Goodbye. Of course, Sarah didn't know that she had successfully managed to not advance in the JotY tournament, nor did she care.
"That's it? One flying sidekick and you're on your back already? What are you, a Chuck Norris extra?" Sarah asked Heftel, before she simply left the ring.
This, of course, was just before she grabbed a steel chair and re-entered the ring, looking to do what she did best, which was to break the kneecaps of jobbers. She was about to do it, when she suddenly looked up and saw, for some reason, Adam Nowell seated at ringside.
She dropped the chair and waved at him, which gave Mike Heftel the cue to quickly slide out of the ring, grab the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title, and high-tail it out of the area as fast as possible.
Sarah realized this and went after him.
Winner: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" by pinfall; Mike Heftel retains and advances
A Jobber Slayer's Duty Is Never Finished
Sarah "the Jobber Slayer" looked around backstage, looking for Mike Heftel. However, as she rounded the corner, she saw the man who perhaps could be considered one of the biggest jobbers in the whole place.
"su, i sez 2 hmi, 'hly crep, u r hardkorr!!111'" Ken War said to Nitro Girl Siren, who was pretending not to talk to him. Ken War turned to Sarah, then turned back to Siren.
He did a double take.
So did Sarah.
Sarah sighed to herself, "A Slayer's duty is never done."
Ken War nearly wet himself, "o sheeeeeettttt!!111"
Quickly, Ken War ran as fast as he could, and he would have been caught, had Sarah not run into Adam Nowell in the parking lot.
Sarah was a little breathless and then said to her, "Oh....Angel. Hey. I'm sorry, but I couldn't find your puppy."
"Um. Don't worry about it. I guess."
As this was going on, Ken War was hiding behind a car, watching Sarah and Nowell, and did not see a figure walk up next to him. Ken War suddenly realized that something was wrong and looked up, and he saw a tall figure in a black cloak standing before him. A bony hand clutching a scythe.
"Um, excuse me, but..." the figure, Death, started. Unfortunately, he didn't get far, as Ken War screamed, ran away, and was thusly run over by an approaching limo, and was killed.
"Hmm. I was just going to ask if he'd seen Sarah." he said to himself, possibly not aware that she was standing just a few yards from him.
Sarah saw the limo, and turned back to Nowell. "I've got to go. My ride's just outside the door. But I vow, one day, I'll go get Styles and the rest of the gang to help us find your dog so you can stop being evil."
"Evil?" Nowell asked, exasperated, "I'm not evil!"
Sarah seemed to ignore his non-evil pleas, "It is kinda ironic, isn't it? A jobber with a puppy. Well, it'll be true once again. You know, I'd cry if all my emotions weren't crammed into a little tiny ball somewhere deep inside of me since being a Slayer has made me so emotionless." She smiled. "BYE!"
She turned and walked toward Death. She then saw the dead body of Ken War, and gave him an evil eye, "Death?"
"I didn't do it."
"Sure you didn't. Let's get out of here."
Death got into the Sir Dingsalot Rent-A-Limo. Death was playing chauffeur to the rest of the BOB crew. Apparently, Kay Fabe absolutely refused to travel in any way other than limo whenever there was an event in parody sports entertainment.
Nowell was silent, as he watched her reach into her pocket and toss something in the air. She began to get into the limo, when Nowell finally registered something that Sarah had said to her.
"....wait, huh? What? I'm not a jobber, either!" he yelled toward her.
She got into the limo and it started to pull away, leaving Nowell to scream after her.
"Dammit! I was an Asylum Tag Team Champion! Come back here and call me a jobber to my face!"
There was a sad pause.
"...and how come she gets to leave while I'm stuck in this hellhole, anyway?"
Nowell frowned, and then walked toward the object she had thrown earlier.
A wax banana.
Sarah had autographed it, "To my favorite Jobber with a puppy....Luv Sarah"
Janitor Nine vs. Insano Mano: Renner & Leary
Sarah & Angel: Take One: Renner & Leary
Sarah & Angel: Take Two: Renner & Leary
Waru vs. Kamikazie Ken: Bort & Leary
Offbeat Shenanigans, Part One: Renner
Underweartaker vs. Joe Brown: Bort
Some Bitch Stole Ted E.'s Tape: Bort
Evil-Lyn vs. Kay Fabe: Leary
Offbeat Shenanigans, Part Two: Renner
Warriors & Chickens: Bort
Mike Heftel vs. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer": Renner
A Jobber Slayer's Duty Is Never Finished: Renner & Leary
© 2002 WR4I/BOB! The most feared collaboration has come to pass. God save us all....