Two men stood before Sphere in his office.
Yes, THAT Jon Crisp.
Although...Sphere was trying to convince BQ otherwise.
"Quicksilver, Mr. VelJohnson...", Sphere started to say, before BQ interrupted him.
"Wait...that isn't Reginald VelJohnson."
"Sure it is.", Sphere assured him.
"I...I don't think so...", BQ said as he looked at Crisp.
"It is. Trust me. Anyway, you two are here because I wanted to try something a little different today. You two will team up and..."
Once again, BQ interrupted Sphere.
"Wait...the two of us? Team up? We've teamed up before. A few times, actually. As a matter of fact, we're feuding with YOU over in that, uh...other promotion, as we call it in these parts."
"No, I'm feuding with you and Jon Crisp. Not you and Reginald VelJohnson."
"Exactly! I think *I* would know if this was my regular tag team partner or not."
"Well, it's obvious that you know nothing."
Before BQ could respond to that, Crisp spoke up.
"Look, I don't know what's going on, but why do you keep talking about that guy who was on that show with Urkel?", Crisp asked both men. Upon hearing this, BQ's eyes lit up.
"HA! See? The REAL Reginald VelJohnson would NEVER mention Urkel!", BQ shouted.
"Of course he would! *I* can't believe Dances With Pans In His Pockets is standing in front of me! You should be honored that he's standing next to you, Ass Bastard.", Sphere responded.
"Yeah, and I'm standing here being forced to talk to Runs With Scissors.", Crisp muttered.
"Marvelous! Now that we're all on the same page, I can tell the both of you why you're here. The main event today is a handicap match. On one side will be Bam Bam Bigelow. On the other side...you two. Black Quicksilver and Reginald VelJohnson. Now...go get ready."
"But I thought you said it was the main event. That's, like, an hour from now.", BQ told him.
"Look, when I said "Go get ready", what I REALLY meant was "Get the hell out of my room, Bitch Ass Silver". Ha. Look at me, I'm on a roll."
BQ and Crisp just shrugged at each other and left the room, as the first Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker on the Road to WrestleActionZone went to the ring...
LIVE from The Bingo Hall in Death Valley
February 8th, 2003
Janitor Nine vs. Siren
No music played for Janitor Nine, the Wominternopean Jobberweight Champion, as he walked down the aisle.
"Aw, nutbunnies. :-("
For some reason, Janitor Nine had brought out his marble collection.
As Nine entered the ring, the marble collection tipped over out of his hands, and fell all over the mat. Nine frowned, "Aw, nutbunnies again! Not even the marbles want to stick with me! :'("
Some random techno beats that Sphere was now thrusting his pelvis to rhythmically brought out the North Dakotan Janitorweight Champion, Nitro Girl Siren. She wore the cardboard championship as an earring, at least until she took it off, and she casually entered the ring.
Then she slipped and fell onto her bottom, thanks to the marbles.
Nine quickly seized the opportunity, as the cow mooed, to quickly roll up Siren (spending an ungodly amount of time just touching her ass), and pin her.
Oh, god, no.
Yes, folks, Janitor Nine just made history. As Siren bitchslapped him repeatedly until he got off of her ass, Janitor Nine grabbed the North Dakotan belt and the Wominternopean belt and held them up proudly, proud to be the first Undisputed Wominternopean North Dakotan Janitorjobberweight Champion.
Janitor Nine made a face like this.
Winner: Janitor Nine by pinfall; wins title
Ken War was frolicking around backstage. He didn't know WHY he was frolicking, but then again, Ken War didn't know very many things. He stopped to grab a can of Sprite, because even he knew that image was nothing and thirst was everything.
"des drenk nids sumthin mur hardkorr en et!!11"
So he poured battery acid in it.
A group of voices began getting closer. Their fake mumbling turned into actual lines of dialogue after a couple seconds and Xamfir asked "How long do you think we can keep fooling everybody into thinking Sarah's still...you know....with us."
"I think you *just* blew it," Styles said. "OH MY GOD are you daft!"
"I'm Sarah. I hunt and Slay, Slay and hunt."
The group came upon the sight of Ken War and his battery acid Sprite twister.
"hlelo xander & gilges & srahedhah, hes ur dey ben hardkorr???//"
Ken War took a sip. His stomach sizzled.
Suddenly, we got a first person view, seeing the world through Sarah's eyes. As she watched him drink his soda, a strange thing happened. Well, aside from the smoke that came pouring out of Ken War's mouth. On screen came a few lines that described Ken War in perfect robotic simplicity.
KEN WAR He's hardkor!!!!!111 Likes: theengz tht r hardkor!!!!1111
Then, the white letters became bright red and a really big font, kinda like this:
"hay, y r ur i's trunin rde, & u luk liek ur abuto 2 keel mi??//" Then Ken War realized what was about to happen, "o sheeeee--"
And suddenly Sarah grabbed hold of Ken War's tongue, pulled it out, wrapped the bloody thing around his throat, and strangled him until he was killed dead.
"Forgive Ken War. He's a bit tongue tied," Sarah said.
"Hey!" Ken War said, surprising the hell out of both Xamfir and Styles, "That wasn't cool! That wasn't even hardcore!"
Back to first person Sarah-View to see a big red question mark, kinda like this:
Then Sarah_Bot stomped out Ken War's skull.
"OH MY," Xamfir paused and looked at Styles. "I mean. Um. What the hell was that?"
Styles shrugged and took off his glasses, cleaning them with his tie. "Pure idiocy?"
Sarah_Bot walked up to Styles and smiled. Back into Sarah-View.
STYLES My Commentator. Likes: To say "OH MY GOD!" at loud volumes, picturing Kay Fabe nude.
"I should join up with the play STOMP. Did you SEE that footwork?"
"Well, she's got the art of punning down at least," Xamfir said with a shrug.
nWo Elite Is In Da Hizouse
Sphere sat quietly in his office, working on...
Okay, he wasn't sitting quietly.
He was singing.
He was singing "Unbreak My Heart", by Toni Braxton.
That is, until, "Groove Is In The Heart", by Dee-Lite, began to play. There wasn't a radio anywhere in sight, so he had no idea what was going on, and then three men walked into the room.
Bam Bam Bigelow.
The nWo Elite.
Bigelow, the undisputed leader of the group, despite never being in the nWo before this incarnation, spoke up.
"Yo, Boss Man, someone stole Bam Bam's Hanes! You gotta help me out!"
Sphere thought about it for a second. "Well...you are helping me later on today in my quest to take out Quicksilver, so...you know what? I'll open an investigation on your missing underwear, and I'll be doing all the investigating myself. Yes, that's correct. *I* will be doing the investigating. You see, one day, the fiery underworld will need not only a new supreme ruler, but a detective as well...you know, to find out if there are any GOOD souls that are free-loading. Anyway, if I find your underwear, then maybe the Dark Lord himself will appoint me as his new right-hand man. Soon thereafter, I will have him murdered, or, hell, murder him myself, and then take over. But perhaps I've said too much, like always." Sphere turned to Mongo and Greene. "Now, what can I do for you two?"
"El Presidente, bay-ba? Me and Big Ol' Kev here want a shot at the TAG TEAM BELTS, bay-ba, YEAH!", Mongo shouted.
"Well...either you're a moron for thinking we currently HAVE a Tag Title, or you snooped around my personal documents. Either way...no, the fWEo does not currently have any Tag Team belts for you and your....", Sphere trails off as he looks at Greene, who's squatting down and scratching the back of his head with his right foot. "...uh...tag partner...at the moment...but...I have good news for you."
"Do you now, BAY-ba?"
"I do, uh, baby yeah. Hmm...doesn't sound right when I say it. Oh well, I'll tell the public to think otherwise. Back to the matter at hand...there will be a four-way tag team match at WrestleActionZone, live from The Pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee, on April 13th, where the winners will be crowned the first-ever Sphere Tag Team Champions. Naturally, I will be one of the teams involved in that match. Yes, you heard right. The second team, by virtue of FINALLY triumphing over the Elite Janitor Squad of Destruction & Cleanliness at Royal Battle, will be Mega Job. The third team will be the winners of a certain tag team match that will take place this very afternoon. That match will be you two going up against Janitor Seven & Janitor Eleven. Now, as I mentioned, they're just coming off a loss to Mega Job, so they're vulnerable, and, well, they suck anyway, so you should have no trouble at all with them. As a matter of fact...that match is up next, so hurry on out there, and, let's just say...I'll see you at WrestleActionZone. I hope you noticed how I winked when I said that."
"Mongo didn't notice, bay-ba, oh no."
"Oh. That's because I forgot to wink. I'll try again. A-he-he-HEM. I'll see you at WrestleActionZone", Sphere says as he winks at Mongo.
"Mongo don't swing that way, bay-ba, no! Sweet JESUS, no!"
"Just...just get out of my office. And give him a frickin' bone or something. I don't want this desk to lose a leg.", Sphere says, pointing at Greene.
"RRR....RRRR....", Greene growls at Sphere as he casts a menacing snarl in his direction. Mongo grabs him by the neck and leads him out of the office, as Bigelow follows close behind, celebrating as he goes. Sphere leans back in his chair, crosses his arms, and shakes his head.
"Those boys of mine..."
Janitor Seven & Janitor Eleven vs. Mongo & Kevin Greene (w/Bam Bam Bigelow)
"Groove Is In The Heart" by Deee-Lite played for absolutely no reason outside of the mere presence of the nWo Elite: Bam Bam Bigelow, Kevin Greene, and Mongo.
"RUFF!! ERRR-RUFF RUFF!" Greene barked. Bam Bam held him on his leash as they walked down to the ring.
Once all three members of the nWo Elite had safely made it to the ring (after Greene made a pitstop at a fire hydrant that had no earthly business being in an empty arena), they did the Snoopy Dance. For no reason.
Then, "So Fresh, So Clean" by Outkast began to play, drawing out Janitors Seven and Eleven. Janitor Nine wasn't there, because he was too busy celebrating his HUGE victory against Nitro Girl Siren that absolutely no one really cared about.
"Man, why the meaniehead are we here?" Janitor Eleven asked.
Janitor Seven shrugged, "I dunno, but I think Mega Job's gonna do something."
"Why do you meanieheadingly say that?" Eleven asked.
"`Cause they're sitting right at ringside, wielding Mexican Whipping Clubs of Death, and I think they're itchin' to run-in already." Seven said, pointing at Mega Job.
"Now, remember, Ken..." Beef said, turning to Ken War, who was now, you know, breathing..."We're going after the Janitors. Follow me?"
"Excellent." Beef said, as the Janitors entered the ring.
The cow mooed.
Mega Job ran in.
Beef and Janito immediately tripped on the bottom rope and fell to the canvas, while Steve hit a brutal Clothesline From Shanghai using Oddjob on Janitor Seven. Of course, this would've worked well had Ken War not absolutely clobbered Kevin Greene over the skull with his Mexican Whipping Club of Death.
"hay, hi luked liek th jeniter f/ hi skool!!111 hi iz nto hardkorr!!111"
So, when Janitor Seven fell forward, clutching his nuts, he landed on top of Kevin Greene.
The referee shrugged and made a count.
Three seconds later, and the Janitors had moved on. Eleven evaded any Mexican Whipping Clubs of Oddjobs aimed at his nuts, dragged out Janitor Seven, and got the hell out of there. Meanwhile, Mongo and Bam Bam were not happy with Ken War, and they were about to kill him, when suddenly, something obnoxiously stupid happened.
A small group of evil German peanut butter and jelly sandwiches marched out, absolutely ripped apart Ken War's body, then carried his pieces away.
"Hey, bay-ba! That was our kill, yeah!" Mongo shouted.
"Aw, man, I really wanted to celebrate after killing him." Bam Bam pointed out.
Winners: Janitor Seven & Janitor Eleven by pinfall
Time To Celebrate...But What For?
SACJ went backstage, where, apparently, a party was going on. Janitor Nine was the host, and was celebrating his win earlier on in the afternoon, where he unified the Wominternopean Jobberweight Title and the North Dakotan Janitorweight Title. Mike Heftel, Jackhammer, 1-2-3 Kid, Stump, Claire, and Mr. T had somehow found their way into the party, and none of them had any idea on why they were there.
"Hey! Come and help me celebrate! :-D I've finally won the North Dakotan title! :-D", Nine said to his "guests".
Heftel tried to weasel his way out of the party. "Um, I don't know, I don't see any reason to....hey, are those chocolate-covered pretzels?"
"Sure are! 8-)"
Heftel dug into the chocolate-covered pretzels as Nine moved forward and started to hit on Claire, in a way that only Nine can.
Claire looked around with a confused look on her face, before turning to Jackhammer. "Kev...did you hear something? And where's the guy who's throwing this party? Why are we here again?"
"That is quite simple. I have obtained the "booking sheet" for today's show, and as you can see, you, Michael, Stump, this Kid guy, Mr. Has His Own Language, and myself are nowhere to be found. Hence, we were forced to participate in this little get-together. Now WHERE is that Diet Coke I wanted?"
"Here it is! :-P" Janitor Nine said, waving the Diet Coke in Jackhammer's face.
"Kid, go get me a Diet Coke.", Jackhammer told 1-2-3 Kid.
"Okay...regular or diet?"
Meanwhile, Mr. T and Stump have somehow engaged in conversation.
"I don't know what you just said, but I think the lifestyle you've chosen to live is a testament to all handicapped children who want to live a normal life."
"Hellooooo? Does anyone know I'm even here? :-(" Nine asked, his chipper mood from unifying the Wominternopean Jobberweight Championship and the North Dakotan Janitorweight Championship quickly fading.
"I know you're here. You pointed me in the direction of chocolate-covered pretzels!", Heftel said as he walked up to him.
"Someone that matters! >:o"
"No, you're mistaken. According to certain people, *I* matter, but Kevin doesn't."
"Who's Kevin? :-\"
"That big, bald guy over there."
"Mr. T? :-\"
"I said *bald*...not *black*."
"Mr. T's black? :-\"
Oh No, Not Another Evil Sandwich Dream
Adam Nowell hated this dream immediately, as soon as he found himself strapped to a metal grating a la Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and he found himself face to face with an evil German who wore a tribal mask on his face and was presently screaming toward his legions.
And what did those legions scream?
"HAIL JELLITER~!", of course.
"Mein comrades, we zhall d'spose of zis infidel Amerikan, because he zmells fun-nee." Jelliter said.
"I do NOT smell funny." Nowell argued, but it was like Jelliter couldn't hear him.
"Now, begeen ze sacrifical prozess."
Jelliter turned to Nowell and began to mumble random incantations.
Then he ripped his heart out.
"Aw, man, put that back," Nowell said, his face contorting to that of general annoyance, and then disgust as Jelliter began to do the Evil Tribal German Dance of Post-Sacrifical Heart Rippage, "I kinda needed that."
Nowell waited another second before he added, "And STOP that ridiculous dance, you look like more of an assclown than even SPHERE does."
Jelliter turned to Adam Nowell. Underneath the mask, he probably would have grinned.
"Zah, you cannot stop me, Angel," Jelliter said, "No one can stop me. Zere is an evil brewing in ze fWEo, Angel. An evil so evil zat even Zhere feels threa'ened zat it vill keel his heat. Zat evil vill keel all of your friends. Zat evil vill keel everyzing zat moves. It vil--"
"I don't HAVE any friends in this shithole, mate," Nowell interrupted, before he remembered something else, "And give me back my heart, before I rip yours out."
Jelliter ate Nowell's heart. It tasted like pork and beans to him.
Then Nowell woke up.
Man, these dreams get more and more messed up by the minute.
Texas Kid (w/La Parka) vs. Joe Brown
"Don't Turn Around" began to play, bringing out Texas Kid, accompanied by his fellow Luchadore stablemate, La Parka. TK had trouble walking down the ramp, thanks to a broken spur on his boot, which he suffered at the hands of Sphere during their classic encounter at Royal Battle. La Parka, however, had no trouble shimmying down the ramp. TK climbed into the ring, where his opponent, Joe Brown, was already standing. Not long after Cow mooed to signal the start of the match, Brown walked up to TK and extended his hand.
"Scott...Joe Brown. Big fan.", Brown said to TK.
"Huh?", TK said, as Brown forced him to shake his hand.
"Yeah, I figure, if I don't make it in wrestling, then I'll become a teacher! Just like you!"
"I was never a teacher! I have a PhD, dammit!"
"You're a doctor, too? Whoa, you're a bigger role model than I thought!"
"I'm not a role model! I'm not even a model! Hell, I couldn't even be a roll, cause the thought of someone buttering me up just REALLY grosses me out!"
"But that's a different kind of ro..."
"I know it is! I'm super smart! I was TRYING to be funny! And I'm afraid I can't take anymore of this."
Before Brown could say anything else, TK backs up and unleashes Sweet Tummy Music.
"Ow! What...what was that? Shouldn't you have kicked me....uh....higher?", Brown asked, clutching his stomach.
TK is a loss for words, and looks to La Parka at ringside.
La Parka trips Brown.
TK makes the cover.
By God, Texas Kid just won a match.
Winner: Texas Kid by pinfall
Backstage, Nowell is standing near a bottle of Surge, perhaps finding out what he'll be doing on the show today. Suddenly, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" flies into the scene and kicks the menacing bottle away from the love of her life. She looks at him, her eyes a little more vacant and lifeless than usual.
"Hey, cool, you're mad at me! Let's break up!"
"I know you. You're Angel. You have bad body odor and are the reason women become lesbians. :-)"
Nowell checks his own body odor, "I do NOT have bad body odor! I had a freaking shower this morning!"
"Sarah_Bot!" Kay Fabe shouted from about two feet away, stepping blatantly into camera range. "Where are you! Ah, there you are."
"Aw, CRAP. One wasn't enough, now you made a ROBOT of her?!" Nowell shouted and questioned at the same time.
"Two things jabroney. One, don't EVER steal Kay Fabe's lines, and two, Kay Fabe made her for me, not you," Kay Fabe said, putting her foot down, literally, to emphasize the figurative part.
"Then why is she trying to hump my leg? ...and when did I steal your lines? And how come I didn't get a script? Why am I even here?"
"'AW, CRAP' ring a bell?"
"No, not really."
"Adam Nowell. Don't you forget, before Kay Fabe got a hold of you you were peeing on the floor and couldn't roll over!"
"Are you MAKING THIS UP as you go along?!" Nowell yelled, before he snatched a script out of Kay's hand, which would've drawn 'oohs' and 'ahhs' if fWEo events had a crowd, "Give me that!"
"Listen puppy, don't make me get the shackles and matches again to make you do what Kay Fabe says. Kay Fabe made you, Kay Fabe can break you."
"Let's see... yadda yadda yadda, taste the Lesbian's Tongue, yadda yadda blah blah blah, Kay Fabe doesn't care what you have to say, blah blah blah... Nowell is an idiot... yadda yadda yadda... Nowell, don't let your love for Sarah blind you, blah blah, she has issues to work out with her Billy Idol-lookalike friends... wait, Jesus, who the hell WROTE this crap?!"
Little Good raised his hand, "Yeah, bloody right I did."
"Hey, can I be in on this segment too?" Xamfir asked, suddenly appearing from behind Little Good. "Hey guys, what'd I miss?"
Nowell looked over the script he was given, "Xamfir: Hey, can I be in on this segment, too? ....Hey, guys, what'd I miss?... Nowell: Oh, nothing, I was going to watch Sarah and Little Good experiment in bon-- alright, THAT'S IT. You're going to die, bleach boy."
"Hey. He's breaking kayfabe," Little Good said, sounding bloody pissed.
"Pardon?" Kay Fabe asked.
"I am not breaking her."
"You wish you could."
"I... er... I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole." Nowell said, prompting Xamfir to pull out a twenty-foot pole.
"How about this one?"
"Hmm, I dunno... I think it should have a giant spear point on it so I can stab all of you with it."
"This conversation is interesting to me. Tell me more," Sarah_Bot interjected.
"Can I break HER?" Nowell asked.
"I don't understand that question. Please rephrase it with simpler concepts. :-)"
Nowell thought about it, "Me breaky Sarahy?"
"What color are your nipples?" Sarah_Bot suddenly asked.
Kay Fabe laughed nervously.
Nowell gave up, "I give up."
"Kay Fabe bets you miss the real Sarah now, don't you?"
"Don't speak for me Xamfir!"
"Not in this lifetime."
"Shut up, Little Good."
"Isn't it sad that we did the same joke twice in a row?" Nowell asked.
"Who was that?"
An uncomfortable pause.
"I'm Sarah_Bot. What's ur sexy name bitch?"
Nowell decides to leave, "I'm leaving."
"And it's not even fall."
"No, he's not even a tree," Xamfir corrected.
"Bloody hell, we forgot to further the whole plot with Sarah losing her powers and being replaced by Sarah_Bot to fill in since Sarah is gone. Bugger."
Nowell shouted from the next room, "I can't hear you!"
The Power of Coffee
SACJ went backstage, where Renegade, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, and Lawrence Taylor were all getting some coffee.
"Five sug-as, and that's all, hot dog, yeah!", shouted LT as he got himself a bunch of sugar packets.
"HOOOOOO! Believe it or not, Hacksaw likes a little cream in his coffee every now and then, TOUGH guy! HOOOOOO!", proclaimed Duggan.
"Why am I here? I don't even drink coffee.", Renegade said to no one in particular.
Unfortunately for Renegade, the Ultimate Warrior makes an appearance.
"Whether you like your coffee bright and mild or rich and full-bodied, these Four Fundamentals of the Warrior can help one brew the perfect cup on any occassion. The Warrior recommends two tablespoons of ground coffee for each six ounces of the nectar of life referred to as water. Too much water or too little coffee results in over-extracted coffee, the leading cause of an unpleasant, bitter cup of coffee. If coffee brewed with this recipe is too strong for your taste, add a smidgen of hot water to the brewed coffee."
"Hacksaw's taking notes, tough GUY! HOOOOO!"
"In general, the longer that coffee and water spend in contact during the brewing process, the coarser the grind you should use. For example, a coffee press uses a very coarse grind, as the brewing time is four minutes. An espresso machine only takes a few seconds to brew, so it requires a much finer grind. This is why the Warrior prefers espresso over coffee."
"Maybe you should try rat poison.", Renegade casually told Warrior.
"The Warrior attempted to consume the rat poison at a young age, and although the Warrior's stomach needed to be pumped, he went on to live a full, normal adult life. Now, back to the Warrior's tips on how to brew the perfect cup of coffee. Cold water drawn right before brewing will make the freshest tasting coffee. If you use an automatic drip brewer, make sure it heats the water hot enough. If you use a kettle to heat water, bring it to a boil, then remove it from the heat for a few seconds to cool before pouring it on the grounds. To keep coffee fresh, store it in an airtight container at room temperature for up to two weeks. If coffee needs to be kept for more than two weeks, it should be stored in the freezer in the smallest practical airtight container. If it is convenient, grind coffee right before brewing. Whole bean coffee stays fresh longer because there is less surface area exposed to oxygen. The flavors in brewed coffee are very fragile and can be damaged by too much exposure to heat. If you brew more than you can drink right away, pour the extra brewed coffee into a thermal container."
"Ya know, me and Reggie always run into that problem!", LT told Duggan.
"Where's that partner of yours anyway, TOUGH GUY?"
"Fo' some reason, the Prez has got him teamin' with that Quicksilver guy tonight! Ah don't know what's goin' on!"
"Not a whole lot of people around here DO, tough guy!"
"Alright, I've had enough, I'm out of here.", Renegade said, before *attempting* to leave the area.
"Yo, chickens.", Virgil said as he walked up to the group of wrestlers.
"Great. Just great.", Renegade said as he rolled his eyes.
"Wassup, homeslice?", Virgil asked LT as the two exchanged a complicated handshake.
"Before shenanigans break loose in this gathering of gladiators, the Warrior would very much like to issue a challenge to you, machomanrandysavage."
"Uh, I'm Renegade. Supposedly."
"The Warrior wants to settle the score once and for all. Even though the Warrior has gotten the upper-hand every time we have done battle, there is still one more battle to be won. A battle like none other. A battle at WrestleActionZone, where all the gods who are of lesser stature than the Warrior will be watching, cheering the Warrior onto sure victory over a man, nay, a boy, who thinks he is as mighty as...THE WARRRRRRIORRRRRAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!"
"Fine. Whatever.", Renegade told Warrior, apparently accepting his challenge, before just simply walking away.
"The Warrior's business is finished, here on All-American Wrestling."
"Okay, now what do you want, guy who ISN'T tough?", Duggan asked Virgil.
"Ah wanted a cappucino, chicken. You got a problem with that?"
"Hacksaw has a problem with guys named Virgil in general! HOOOOOO!"
"Oh, it's on like chicken-bone, chicken!"
Virgil attempted to throw some burning hot coffee in Duggan's face, but he managed to deflect it with his 2x4, and LT got a face full of it instead.
"It burns, Jive Soul Bro! Why you gots ta playa hate?", LT asked Virgil as he covered up his face.
"You just stole a trademark of Ted E. Ruxpin, and that's something a tough guy wouldn't do, TOUGH GUY!"
"Chicken, please. Ted E. be inactive, so that brotha can say whateva he wants to say!"
"Ah thought ah could muscle in on it!", LT managed to get out before he screamed like a little girl and ran off in search of a toilet to dunk his head in.
"So what else is there left for us to do, sissy BOY?", Duggan asked his arch-nemesis.
"How 'bout I leave an imprint on yo forehead with this here Million Dollar Belt, chicken?"
"If you did that, then good ol' Hacksaw would cave your skull in with his trusty 2x4 and then prove to the millions of "Hacksaw"Jim Duggan fans that his Television Title is superior to your rinky-dink money belt, big PUSSY!"
Okay, yeah, that's enough of that....
Waru vs. A bottle of 7-UP
Because the last segment went on FAR too long, this match is joined in progress, as both, uh...men...are already in the ring.
Don't worry, you didn't miss much. A bottle of 7-UP has just been standing in it's corner, as Waru is walking in a circle with his hands out.
Waru gets no response from the bottle of 7-UP.
"Dammit. Is that thing even out here yet?"
Before Waru could get an answer from anyone, a bottle of Cherry 7-UP somehow made it's way down to the ring and attacked the bottle of 7-UP, causing a DQ.
"Whoa, I won?"
"No. You lost.", the Referee told Waru.
"There was a DQ."
"I wish I was still able to eat ice cream. This mask makes that REALLY hard, though."
"Why don't you just take it off?"
"That'd be breaking kayfabe. What year do you think this is? 2003?"
A bottle of 7-UP and a bottle of Cherry 7-UP brawled to the back as SACJ went...well...somewhere...
Winner: A bottle of 7-UP by Dairy Queen
A New Slayer Is Called
"OH MY GOD! I can't believe she's really gone. Ah well. A Commentator's duty is never done."
Styles picked up his phone. "Hello fans. Welcome to my exclusive 0Wrestling.com Web report. Yes fans, the rumors are true. Sarah is gon--I mean, alive and well and still Slaying away in both BOB and the fWEo. Thanks for wasting $30 a year for this report! OH MY GOD ARE YOU STUPID!"
He hangs up.
He then picks up the phone again. "It's time?"
[Note to reader: Please ignore the fact that he forgot to dial and is just pretending to be talking to someone. OK?]
"Yes, I understand. Yes, I will. What the hell else have I got to do? He's WHAT? He's WHO? Think we've teased them enough? OK. Yes, I'll say hello. Doo doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo. Oh my god. Doo doo doo doo." And yes, he was bobbing his head around, just in case you couldn't tell. "Hello?"
The phone went FLYING out of his hand.
"OH MY GOD! She's the new Slayer?! The world is doomed."
Ken War was violently brought into a swank little office apparently somewhere in Beaverton, Michigan, (and, apparently, alive once again....don't ask, it's *Ken War*) by a pair of evil German peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Before him was a desk with several things on it, including a "Mayor" stand that somehow had its name scratched out. The man in the chair behind the desk was turned around to convieniently mask his identity.
Ken War asked the first question on his mind, "haaay, ef curtn jrekr wes n deth velly, hw ded wi git 2 bevrtun??//"
"Shut up, Mr. Treat." the man who was apparently mayor of Beaverton said.
"mi nem iz..."
"Zah! I know all too vell who you are." the Mayor said.
He spun around in the chair, revealing his identity. Immediately, the two sandwiches that brought in Ken War bowed before him and called out "HAIL JELLITER~!"
"Vah! I zou not like vis name, comrades." Mayor Hans Krueger of Beaverton said.
"hay, ey no u!1 ur..."
"I am Mayor Hans Krueger. Zere seems to be a vittle confuzion with you right now." Krueger said, standing up from his chair and facing the man he now dubbed as "Mr. Treat". A name with which Ken War will be refered to from now until he's offically killed off from this storyline and becomes Ken War again.
"yeh, ill sey, wat wth th instnut trevl & evrythn!!11 hardkorr!!111"
"Zah! Zoo shut up. Typical Amerikan, with your 'hardkorr'... I have called you here becuz' I require your... ab'lities." Krueger said, smiling with his stained yellow, horrible teeth.
Mr. Treat blinked.
"ablthiets?/ lyk wat??/"
Krueger cut his head off with a sponge.
"Zat." Krueger said, putting down his sponge.
"hay, det wuznt hardkorr!!11" Mr. Treat said, as his body began to look for its head, "hay stpid, im ovr eher!!11"
His body grabbed a lamp and put it on its shoulders.
"Yes, well, I s'pose we zhall work on eet. Zou you have chi'dren?" Krueger asked, "Chi'dren, zere ze heart and zoul of a community. Zey need to be looked after... and controlled. Zeh more rebe'ious element need to be zealt with. Ze children are our future. We need them... I need them."
Mr. Treat thought about it, while his body realized that there was a problem with the fact that there was light coming out of his head and that's NEVER happened before.
"eff tis rebleiousuos elment mens wat ey dhnk et mens, et mey b tkean cere ov dis vry neight!11" Mr. Treat said, as his body tossed off the lamp and picked up his head.
"Zah, vat are you speaking of? You did not even geet as far as ze front door before zis Jobber Zlayer keeled you." Krueger pointed out.
Mr. Treat pointed a finger at Krueger.
It fell off.
"haay, r u qwesting mi mtehtods??/"
Krueger sat down on his desk in front of Mr. Treat.
"But zee, zis is ze kind of init'tive I need on mein team," Krueger said, "Not many jobbers wish to combat zis... Jobber Zlayer."
"wlel, wat ef ey donut went 2 b a pret ov th taem??//" Mr. Treat asked.
"Oh ho, zat vill not be an issue, mein friend. Zee, you and I, we are on ze zame zide." Krueger said, before he opened a small little box and showed it to Mr. Treat.
Black Quicksilver & "Reginald VelJohnson" vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
Saturday Afternoon's Curtain Jerker headed to the ring for today's main event, as "Slave To The Grind" resounded throughout the (empty) arena, bringing out Black Quicksilver and Jon Cri...uh, Reginald VelJohnson. BQ ran down the ramp and slid into the ring as...let's just call him "VelCrispson", walked to the ring with a purpose, by God. They then awaited their opponent, as "Celebration" hit, signaling the arrival of Bam Bam Bigelow. Bigelow waddled down the ramp, and, for some strange reason, stopped at the bottom. He scratched himself and pointed at BQ and VelCrispson, perhaps threatening them in a polite, yet firm manner. His music stopped, and was soon replaced by a song not heard in the fWEo until now.
"Son Of A Bitch", by Nazareth.
In case you're REALLY slow, yes, that song fits Sphere to a T.
Not Mr. T.
Not Travis Beaven.
Just, you know, a "T".
Sphere strutted out to the top of the ramp, and because it's sports-entertainment, yes, he has a microphone.
"Quicksilver, Quicksilver, Quicksilver. First of all, I've made a decision regarding the WrestleActionZone main event. Since both you *and* Funpants won the Royal Battle, and since Funpants has become a close friend of mine as of late....he's even taking care of business in that...other promotion as we speak...since the both of you won the Royal Battle, and there's nothing I can do to screw you out of the title shot since it's set in stone that the winner of the Royal Battle WILL get that shot at WrestleActionZone...it'll be a triangle match. One fall to a finish, as they say in those "serious" promotions. Secondly...there must've been a slight misunderstanding regarding this match. I said it was a handicap match, with you and Reginald VelJohnson on one side, and Bam Bam Bigelow on the other....I didn't mean it'd be 2-on-1. No, it's a 3-on-2 handicap match. On one side will be Black Quicksilver and Reginald VelJohnson....on the other, it's Bam Bam Bigelow, and these two men...."
Black Quicksilver & "Reginald VelJohnson" vs. Bam Bam Bigelow/Evil Smokey The Bear/Underweartaker (w/Sister Payne)
Sphere laughed as Evil Smokey The Bear and the Underweartaker walked down the ramp, accompanied by Sister Payne. VelCrispson had no idea what was going on, as BQ could barely stand, thanks to his knees trying to break themselves, in an attempt to have the match cancelled due to injury.
"Wait...I'm Sphere's arch-rival!", BQ thought to himself, coming to the conclusion that it didn't matter if his kneecaps were shattered or not. Hell, if they WERE shattered, it'd be easier for the Underweartaker to steal his underwear. It'd be easier for Evil Smokey to eat him. It'd be easier for Bigelow to celebrate that there's no longer such a person as "Black Quicksilver", running around, wreaking havoc. "Heh heh. Havok. He was a pussy.", was BQ's next thought.
"Uh...hello? What are we gonna do here?", VelCrispson asked BQ as he hit him on the shoulder.
BQ came to his senses, and saw Bigelow, Evil Smokey, and Underweartaker all approaching him and VelCrispson. "Well...let's see. If this was 2000, I'd be like "The internet thinks I'm nothing but a jobber, so let's just stand here and let them beat the living hell out of us." If this was 2001, I'd say...well, pretty much the same thing. If it was 2002, I'd say....well, the same thing again, only this time I'd be afraid that some guy who can bench press alot and do six flips off the top rope into the 22nd row would come and kick my ass for winning a feud against Chronos."
"What the HELL are you talking about?"
"Yeah, believe it or not, I beat him."
"That's not what I meant! We gotta think of something here."
"Okay. Hey, Bear Guy and Scary Guy Who Doesn't Talk...weren't you trying to eliminate each other from the Royal Battle before I bumped into you? Now...I know what you're thinking...you got eliminated because *I* bumped into you, but before you...", BQ managed to get out before he stopped talking.
But he didn't stop talking because Evil Smokey and Underweartaker tore him apart.
He stopped talking because Evil Smokey and Underweartaker were attempting to tear *each other* apart.
"Hey, I didn't even have to BS my way out of THAT one!", BQ said to himself, before he turned to VelCrispson for a high-five. He didn't get one, however, because VelCrispson wasn't there. He was too busy trying to get Bigelow up for some move named "The Icon".
"No! Friggin' Jon Crisp, teaching MY wrestlers how to do his finisher!", Sphere said to himself at the top of the ramp.
VelCrispson, however, was having a little trouble getting Bigelow up for his finisher.
"My God, you're such a fatass.", he said to Bigelow.
"I'm not fat. I'm fluffy.", was Bigelow's response.
Evil Smokey and Underweartaker spilled out of the ring and continued to tear into each other as they fought up the ramp. Of course, "tear into each other" means "they kept punching each other rather weakly". Sphere decided it was best for him to move out of the way and let them fight to the back, and looked on in disgust as BQ and VelCrispson had started to work together in the ring. But then something hit Sphere. Something he had seen on Underweartaker that he probably wasn't supposed to. He put that thought on the back burner and continued to watch the match, but it didn't last that much longer.
BQ and VelCrispson hit Bigelow with various double-team maneuvers, including a double big-boot, a double elbowdrop, and a missle dropkick from BQ, followed by a flying splash from VelCrispson. VelCrispson picked Bigelow up and somehow managed to lift him up and plant him with a fisherman's buster, and then BQ climbed up top, nailed the Silver Splash, and gained the pinfall. Sphere was outraged, and began yelling at BQ and VelCrispson from his position on the ramp.
"What the HELL? Have you two teamed in some indies or something? I thought for sure that at least ONE of you, hopefully Quicksilver, would be eating his meals through a STRAW tomorrow morning!"
"I could probably still do that.", BQ shouted to him.
"Leave me alone! I've got some...other business to take care of, but next time....next time won't be so pretty."
"My hair! Not my hair!", BQ screamed as he grabbed his hair, and Sphere rolled his eyes.
"You're a moron. Now, excuse me while I take my ballet lessons, put a half-gallon of ice cream in the microwave to soften it up, and take care of those other matters I alluded to earlier."
OH MY GOD A CLIFFHANGER!
Winners: Black Quicksilver & "Reginald VelJohnson" by pinfall
Opening: Bort & Comey
Nitro Girl Siren vs. Janitor Nine: Renner
Sarah_Bot?: Renner & Leary
nWo Elite Is In Da Hizouse: Bort
Mongo & Kevin Greene vs. Janitor Seven & Janitor Eleven: Renner
Time To Celebrate...But What For?: Bort & Renner
Oh No, Not Another Evil Sandwich Dream: Renner
Texas Kid vs. Joe Brown: Bort
Script Problems: Renner & Leary
The Power of Coffee: Bort
Waru vs. A bottle of 7-UP: Bort
A New Slayer Is Called: Renner & Leary
Strange Bedfellows: Renner
Black Quicksilver & "Reginald VelJohnson" vs. Bam Bam Bigelow: Bort
Black Quicksilver & "Reginald VelJohnson" vs. Bam Bam Bigelow/Evil Smokey The Bear/Underweartaker: Bort
© 2003 WR4I/BOB! The most feared collaboration has come to pass. God save us all....