SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY!
GUESS WE NEVER GOT THAT LOGO, HUH?
(The show opens in the BigBOSS'es office. He's on the phone, flanked by Lock, Shock and Barry. An out-of-focus figure is on the other side of his desk, partially obscured by two hulking forms.)
The BigBOSS: Li'lBOSS? Where are you? Oh, "Hanging with the Pardy Boyz", huh? I knew you had a hand in hiring those two idiots. What? I don't care what our demographics say about the potential "Generation X/Slacker" audience... What? Listen, half-pint, I've had about enough of you getting ideas above your station! And as for those ridiculous stipulations in their match against my Too Lame.. why I oughta...
(He pauses and listens to the Li'lBOSS.)
The BigBOSS: What? You sick, twisted little man!
(He hangs up and turns his attention to the mysterious trio in his office.)
The BigBOSS: And what exactly are we going to do with you three? Hmmmmm....
(Crossfade to the opening titles.)
U2's "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" is playing at ear-warping volume as we pan around a packed BudgetDome. Signs are raised in all corners of the arena, including "The guy next to me is a cardboard cut-out.", "I'm only here because Smackdown was sold out.", and "Bobo's gonna kill Kenny!". The establishing shot ends as the Flunky fires off a flare gun while blowing a whistle in a typically cheap BOB pyro-substitute. We pick up the announce team.
MM: WELCOME TO SUNDAY, BLOODY SUNDAY! I'm your host, Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, along with Scotty "Not That Hotty" Whatbody and "She's IS a Hotty", Nurse Heidi!
SW: YEAHHHHHHH! Let the blood-letting begin! WOOOOO! This is going to be GREAT!!
NH: Scotty, I could recommend a few good shrinks if you have some problems you need to talk through... Hey, I've gotten my old font color back! About time...
MM: Well, as much as I hate to admit it, Heidi, Scotty does have a point.. this Pay-Per-View should be a cracker! Just look at the magnitude of the matches here tonight! Lord Sexbat defends his Pan-Galactic Title against the S-(Blank silence)-F's only three-time Intercontinental Cruiserweight Yadda Yadda Yadda Champion ! Two former champions clash to prove just who is the TRUE Swiss Army Champ! The Unethical Ethnics versus Joshua Craig and Sir Ronald Killalot for the "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag belts! And Fanboy versus Soem guy for the "AYOOYFM" hardcore strap! (Puts down his programme.)
SW: And don't forget... none of the matches tonight can end unless someone's juicing like a stuck pig!
NH: You and Lord Sexbat share unhealthy intrests in plasma Scotty... Look, let me give you Dr Frauds number.. he's really good...
SW: Enough talk.. let's Spill The Blood!
(A Slayer-covers band cranks up that very ditty as The Masked Announcer does his thing.)
MA: This contest is scheduled for one bleed and one fall... introducing first, representing the jWo... TOOO LAME!
("We're 2 Lame" thumps out of the Budgetdomes speakers as Matt and Ray dance their way to the ring. Matt gives himself a slight shoulder strain as he does the Electric Boogaloo (circa 1984.). Ray tries to pep the crowd up by showing off his "Too Lame" tattoo...)
SW: Ewwww.. I didn't even know they could tatto you there...
NH: I am NOT looking.. tell me when he puts it away, please...
(It's on the inside of his bottom lip.. what were YOU thinking, you pervert?)
MA: And their opponents.. hailing from Aroura, Illinois... Wayne and Garth.. THE PARDY BOYZ!
Voice-Over :Wayne: PARDY ON, GARTH! Garth: PARDY ON, WAYNE! Both: SCHWINGGG!!
(Eddie B cues "Feed My Frankenstein" by Alice "We're Not Worthy" Cooper to a good-in-comparison-to-Too-Lame pop. Wayne and Garth headbang their way down the aisle, slapping hands en route.)
***(The BudgetDome generously supplied a bell...)
MM: And here we go! The first match of SBS is set to start out with Garth and Ray! Ray offer to shake hands with Garth... let's see if he falls for it!
MM: The old shake-me-slap-you maneuver! Garth retaliates with a weak punch to the abdominals...Ray no-sells it and elbows Garth in the head! Whip to the ropes.. leapfrog.. drop-down.. leapfrog.. drop-down..
NH: Garth is going to tire himself out running back and forth like that.. OOH! Talk about mis-timing the move..
MM: Too true.. That leapfrog probably could've been executed a little earlier..
SW: But then Garth wouldn't have headbutted Ray in the 'nads, Mike! And I for one wouldn't have wanted to miss that!
MM: Garth scoops up Ray and slaps on an abdominal stretch.. Ray reverses it! Look at the pressure he's piling on! Garth inches towards his corner
Garth: Ouch! This makes me feel kinda funny, Wayne...
Wayne: Tag me, dude..
MM: Wayne gets the hot tag and catapults over the top rope, catching Ray with a clothesline! A series of closed fists to Rays skull! Matt comes into help out.. Clumsily executed spin-kick staggers Wayne! SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! Great move by Wayne!
SW: Check it out.. Rays pulling something from his tights.. it's a bowling pin! STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE! And Wayne is down! Five bucks says he's blading!
MM: This early? I'll take a piece of that action...
NH: He's been busted open!
SW: Pay up, Mikey! Nyaa-haa-haaaaa!
MM: All right, all right! But more importantly, now that we have blood flowing, this match can end at any time! Ray and Matt attempt a double suplex.. reversed by Wayne! He rolls out of the ring.. Garth stumbles back through the rope and shoulder blocks Matt out of the ring as he attemptted to rise.. Nasty clash of heads there!
SW: These guys are as green as.. a really green thing! On St. Patricks day! Count the blown spots here!
NH: Give them a chance, Scotty.. ow! Was he supposed to do that?
SW: I don't think so.. ooh, another accidental headbutt..
Garth: Ow! Wayne, watch out!
Wayne: You did it, sphincter-boy! Crap, this is going to bruise!
Ray: Look out below!
MM: Ray springboards off the apron.. everyone scatters!
(Cut to Eddie B, who's watching a monitor. He winces. Cut back to ringside where Ray is straddling the Flimsy Guardrail™)
Ray (High-pitched Voice):Hey. No problems...
(The Flimsy Guardrail collapses, spilling Ray into the crowd.)
MM: Ray is out of this one.. Wayne and Garth set Matt up for a double chop!
MM: And another!
NH: Are they going to do that every time the Pardys do anything remotely offensive?
MM: Very probably..Matt's firing back! Rights and lefts! He lays Garth out with a well-placed forearm! Scoopslam on Wayne! The same for Garth! Matt is in charge! he's heading to the top.. could we see the Too Fat Splat?
SW: Corporate Interferance on the way! It's the Li'lBOSS! Who's that he's got with him?
NH: It looks like the Stereotypically Evil Booker!(Pat. pending)
SW: Pat Pending? I thought he retired...
NH: No, you dummy... actually, you're right, it IS Pat Pending...
MM: YES! It's Pat Pending! The Former six-time heavyweight champ of BOB's forerunner, The FWF!
SW:The Fictional Wrestling Federation... don't ask...
MM: Pats talking to Matt.. OH! Matt slips off the top turnbuckle and crashes to the canvas! Wayne crawls over and covers him..1..2..3!! I don't belive it! The Li'lBOSS has gotten the booker to instruct Matt to lie down for the Pardy Boys! How despicable!
SW: How brilliant!
MA: Here are your winners.. the PARDY BOYZ!!
MM: The BigBOSS must be fuming.. he's lost control of the BOSS Talk forum for 30 days... with the Li'lBOSS in charge, there's no telling where this could lead!
(Cut to an apathetic crowd. A single sign is raised, reading "Who Cares?".)
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, our next match is set for one fall after a blade job! Introducing first, the special referee...THE MESSENGER, HERB ROMAINE!
("Born Free" by Andy Williams is played. It's almost audible over Eddie B's snoring. Herb enters the ring wearing a wool referee shirt. Good pop for the guest ref, some feel it's for the fashion statement. Cut to a ringside fan holding a "Mary Fears Herb Romaine, and Her Little Lamb Does Too" sign...)
SW: I hope this lives up to that first match. I'm a little disappointed, though. I was kinda hoping to see that Worm.
NH: Look in the mirror.
MA: From Over There. Weighing in tonight at 362 carbonated pounds. At 7 foot 2... MOUNTAIN DEW MAN!
MM: Are carbonated pounds the same as regular pounds?
SW: And here I thought GBH was just doing backstage stuff tonight, Mike...
(Ba Ha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out" is cued. Eddie B. gets into the catchy tune and adds a PPV quality "Whizzing On A Hydrant/Scratchin' Sum Fleas" mix. The imposing MDM struts to the ring as several fans head to the vending line. Shot of a buck toothed girl holding an "I'd Drink Mountain Dew Man's Yellow Goodness!" sign. Flunkie quickly confiscates it and reprimands the girl. MDM steps over the top rope and flexes his muscles.)
MM: WOW! Talk about the power of suggestion! Look at that bee line to the sodas!
SW: Let's hope there's enough Coke drinkers left to witness this match! Hey, if this guy get's hurt, does he set an appointment with... Dr. Pepper?
NH: Nice, Scotty. (rolls eyes)
MA: His opponent, from the Big Apple, New York City. At 5' 11" and 200 even...not to confused with a giant, radioactive lizard... ZILLA!
(Zilla charges the ring as Eddie spins "Feiticeira" by the Def Tones. He slides under the bottom rope and nails Herb with his skateboard.)
MM: THIS ONE IS UNDERWAY! Zilla goes right after the referee, still remembering that incident from last MAGAM when Herb busted Zilla's head with those wooden ringsteps!
SW: I'm surprised he remembers anything.
NH: Besides, that's not a good way to influence the referee to call things your way.
MM: It doesn't matter, I don't think Herb likes Mountain Dew Man, either. MDM from behind as Zilla stood over the fallen guest ref. Clubbing forearm to the back. MDM with a significant size and weight advantage. Chokelift! He tosses Zilla aside like...
MM: Nope. I'd use that one if he had ahold of Herb. I was thinking more along the lines of a small child...
MM: Bless you.
NH: Ummmm. Thank you. (snickers)
SW: Enough with the refrences, I'm getting thirsty AND hungry. MDM sending Zilla across...big foot coming. Duck under. Off the far side, cross body...
MM: Caught by Mountain Dew Man! Fall away slam! The cover...
NH: Herb's not counting! There's still no blood, and he's still aching from that skateboard shot.
MM: That's right! There's gotta be some crimson before any match can end! BOB Pay-Per-View at it's finest! Mountain Dew Man now getting in Herb's face, he's upset about Herb not counting! OH! Herb just punched MDM in the mouth!
SW: Check his lips! Check his lips! YES! WE GOT BLOOD! Herb now telling MDM to pin Zilla again, I guess it does pay to have a ref that doesn't like both participants! The cover, one..two...
NH: Kickout by Zilla. Quick eyerake slows down the big Dew Man. He's now admonishing Herb, Herb punched Zilla in the mouth!
MM: Zilla's lip is busted! Zilla fires back at Herb, this thing is turning into a spontaneous three way!
NH: Been there, done that.
SW: Herb and Zilla trading blows, DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE BY MDM! Hey, Heidi...would you "Do the Dew"?
NH: Not if he was the last guy on the planet. Oh, you meant drink Mountain Dew, right?
MM: *ahem* Mountain Dew Man has Zilla, sets him up on the top rope...could be The Mountain Dew Masher...
MM: A hurricanrana! I guess MDM forgot he was 7-2! He just landed on the back of his neck! A stunned Zilla with the cover...ONE, TWO...THR-NO! An equally stunned Herb holds the third count!
NH: Looks like Romaine won't count MDM out after taking a lariat from him.
MM: Yeah, but he doesn't like Zilla, either!
SW: Where's Generic Ref when you need him? Zilla with a DDT on Herb! Zilla now to the top, zeroing in on MDM. SKYSCRAPER!
MM: HE MISSED IT! Mountain Dew Man rolled out of the way! Herb has shaken the cobwebs and is outside getting Zilla's skateboard, Wes...
skateboard: DON'T CALL ME WES!
MM: Huh? Herb telling Mountain Dew Man to pin Zilla. He slowly does! That hurricanrana gaffe really winded him...
NH: Herb nailed MDM with the skateboard!
SW: This thing is breaking down!
NH: Breaking down? Where have YOU been?
MM: Herb is pinning MDM! He's counting the three himself! He's pinning Zilla. He fast counts three again! Herb throws his hands up triumphantly and is leaving the ring!
SW: The crowd ain't liking this decision...
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! This match has been declared a NO CONTEST. NO CONTEST!
NH: I thought all matches HAD to have a winner?
MM: This one did. I'd say Wes cleaned house.
skateboard: DON'T CALL ME WES!
MM: Who keeps doing that?!
SW: Don't look at me. Who ever smelt it, dealt it.
NH: Gross, Scotty. Mountain Dew Man and Zilla better get to the back and have those bloody lips attended to. I'm sure we haven't heard the last of this rivalry.
MM: Good lead in, Heidi... we have a big rivalry coming up next...
(We cut to the BOB-Tron which shows a breif rundown of the Bobo Fiendish/Kamikazie Ken rivalry to date. We cut back to The Masked Announcer. Loud hammering and drilling noises float down from the rafters, rendering most of his intro inaudible.)
MA: BANG BANG BANG... full-of-electric... THUD! CLANG!...ducing, from Banzai Falls... SCRITCHHH... AZIE KEN!
(Kens Wagner theme music plays, but he doesn't arrive. Undaunted, the Masked Announcer presses on.)
SW: What are the ring crew guys doing? I can't hear a f-CLATTER-g thing!
MA: And his op...BZZZTT!... ighing 3 hun... BANG.. CRACKLE... BOBO Q... THUDTHUDTHUD...
(Neither man has entered the arena yet. The Masked announcer pauses on his way out of the ring, peering up into the rafters.)
SW: Hey, can you see what's happening... BANG.. up there?
MA: They're constructing...THUD... affold for the "Ve...WHIZZZ..POP..atch.
SW: Say what?
MA: The "Vertig... THUD CLANG CLATTER
(The Masked Anouncer looks incredibly frustrated at this point. He tries shouting at the announce team... predictably enough, all the extraneous noise ceases abrubtly...)
MA: ...FANBOY and SOEM GUY IN A MASK!
(Cut to the backstage area. A nifty splitscreen shot shows us both Fanboy (Who's reading a copy of "NationWide EnQuisitor".) and Soem Guy In a Mask. (Who's drinking coffee and watching a monitor.) SGIaM does a spit-take, as Fanboy drops his magazine.)
Fanboy: What the hell? Did they move my match up?
SGIaM: Already? Damn it, my watch must have stopped!
(They begin pulling on their boots as we cut back to the ringside area. The fans are looking confused. Bobo and Ken are still conspicuous by their abscence. Scotty is missing as well...)
MM: Fans, we apologise for this... What could have happened to Ken and Bobo? Has someone checked the boiler room?
The Flunky: No dice.. there aren't any... this is the Budgetdome, remember?
(Scotty runs back into shot.)
SW: They're not in the bathrooms!
NH: Well, this pay-per-view is going well... wait a minute, here comes someone down the aisle.. it's... Fanboy?
MM: You're right, Heidi! Fanboy is heading to ringside... AND THERE'S SOEM GUY IN A MASK! HE CLOTHESLINES FANBOY IN THE BACK!
SW: Calm down, Mike!
MM: I am calm, the "Caps Lock" button was on... and the stupid scriptwriter refused to rewrite my lines properly!
NH: MIKE! Try to maintain kayfabe, please!
MM: That's rich coming from Miss "I have my cool pink font back!" 2000!
SW: Can we regain our focus here, people! I think we have our "Are You Out Of You Frickin' Mind" match happening here! Fanboy was just slammed into the Internet table!
NH: We're on the internet now?
MM: Apparently so!
SW: That's better, maintain the illusion, guys! Soem Guy snap suplexes the Fatboy onto the concrete!
MM: The Generic ref checks to see if he's bleeding... not yet it seems. They're brawling among the electrical equipment now! Fanboy blocks a Soem Guy punch with a steel equipment case! Soem Guy howls in pain! A full force swing! And he's busted Soem Guy open!
NH: Soem Guys still on his feet, though! He's tougher than he looks! Ducks another attempted shot from the case... springboard spinning heel kick off the guard rail! That was pretty!
MM: Pickup... SOEM GUY IN A MASK DRIVER!
NH: That needs work...
MM: Covers.. one.. kickout at two!
Construction Crew Chief: Any chance of getting them on the scaffold? You know, the one we built for them with our own two hands? Huh?
MM: All right, all right... they're heading that way now... wait a minute, the scaffold's about 50 feet up! Has the BOSS gone insane?
CCC: Hey, we followed the plans! Look....
MM: Hmmm.. let's see... oh, Good Lord! These plans were drawn up in Canada! In metrics! Are you sure you converted them right?
SW: BOB's 3 "I"'s.. Incompetance, Insanity and I Can't Remember The Third One!
NH: Weak, Scotty, weak... Soem Guy and Fanboy are climbing the ladder! Well, Soem Guy's climbing, Fanboy is getting dragged up backwards! Listen to the sound of his head bouncing off the rungs!
SW: His skull's going to have more dents than your beds headboard, Heidi! (Slight pause. High-pitched voice.) I'd like to apologise for that last remark, and hope that no offense was taken and would you please release my genitalia because that really hurts...
NH: Just watch it next time.
MM: Fanboy and Soemguy have reached the scaffold! Here's where it gets REAALLLY dangerous! Bodyslam! Fanboy is writhing in pain! Soem Guy is in control!
SW: Look! Up in the sky! Uh, in the rafters! It's Bobo and Kamikazie Ken!
MM: Good grief! They're both beaten and bloodied! They must have been brawling throughout the arena for hours! Bobo's got Ken by his cape.. flings him off the rafter!!
NH: Direct hit on Soem Guy! Bobo leaps onto the scaffold! A four-way brawl breaks out! This is out of control!
SW: Just the way we like it! And now the scaffolds starting to spin! All right!
MM: It's picking up speed! Faster! And faster! And.. is it supposed to spin that fast?
Construction Chief: Hey! It's not even up to the one mile per second it's supposed to go!
ALL: ONE MILE PER SECOND??!!
Construction Chief: It says so on the plans...
MM: Moron! METERS! That's ONE METER PER SECOND!!
(The scaffold has become a blur, from which smoke is billowing.)
SW: If anyone needs me, I'll be under the desk... anyone care to join me?
MM: The over-stressed scaffold gives way! Kamikazie Ken is flung into the crowd! The other three fly into the electric eel tank!
SPLASH!! ZAPPP! FW-ZAPPP! BZZT!
MM: Oh, that's gotta hurt! Bobo staggers to his feet as a slightly-singed Soem Guy crawls out of the tank! Bobo siezes Fanboy.. Full-Nelson atomic drop onto an eel! Soem Guy must be dazed.. he's headed our way...
NH: Oh no, he knows where he's going.. he just swiped a monitor off our Cantonese announce teams table! He's on his way back to the pool... Bobo holds Fanboy... Monitor right in the ample gut! Fanboy collapses like a house of cards! Soem Guy's signalling for one more... Bobo is happy to oblige... he picks up Fanboy...
SW: PEARL HARBOUR! PEARL HARBOUR! Soem Guy smashed Bobo in the head with the monitor! What the hell?
MM: Bobo crashes to the deck... Fanboy's lands on him in a pinning position!! One! Two! Three!
SW: You're kidding me!
MA: He's not! Here is your winner.. and NEWWWWWW "AYOOFM" Champion... FANNNNBOYYYYY!
NH: What was Soem Guy thinking?! He's just earned the lifetime wrath of Bobo...
MM: Hold the phone, Heidi.. he's taking off his mask! There's another mask underneath... IT'S KAMIKAZIE KEN! What the hell?
(Cut to the crowd. Kamikazie Ken has taken off his mask, revealling a Soem Guy In a Mask mask underneath his Kaikazie Ken mask. Confused yet?)
SW: Okay, I'm confused...
MM: The Brothers In Masks (™ pending.. on whether this silly angle goes anywhere...) have contrived to screw Bobo Fiendish out of another title! Kamikazie Ken enters the ring and poses on a turnbuckle to copious boos!
(There's a loud CRACKing noise... and the remaining parts of the scaffold fall from the roof onto Ken's head.)
NH: Ooh, ouch! That's going to take the ring crew a while to clean up...
MM: A good time for an intermission, methinks!
SW: Good call!
(Fade to black.)
SAME SHOW, DIFFERENT SUNDAY!
(Pan interior of the BudgetDome. Fans are returning to their seats after the intermission. Shot of a sign reading "Is this Canada Day Chaos?" Cut to ringside with Mike, Scotty, and Heidi...)
MM: WHOO-WEE! What a night so far, huh Scotty? Scotty? WAKE UP!
SW: What? Oh.(straightens himself) Watching that scaffold made me dizzy. When I get dizzy I get tired.
NH: So you really were asleep? I guess I can ignore you rubbing my thigh and drooling all over yourself then, right?
SW: Sorry, I really was asleep. Honest! (sniffs palm)
MM: To recap: Too Lame was upended by The Pardy Boys when the evil Pat Pending turned the corporate screw, giving Li'lBOSS control of BOSSTALK for 30 days...
NH: Herb Romaine played "good ref gone bad" to a tee and cost both Zilla and Mountain Dew Man their first PPV win here in BOB. That one ended in a no-contest...
SW: And who could forget Fanboy winning the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore title after Kamakazie Ken pulled a fast one on Bobo Q. Fiendish once again! I'd hate to be in back right now...
MM: Yeah, I'm sure Bobo is pretty steamed...
SW: I was talking about Fanboy celebrating with his mother's dead pussy!
SW: CAT! Come on, you know I couldn't pass the opportunity to use that one again!
MM: Hey, something's going on in with the BOSSES. Let's go there now!
(Cut to Somewhere Backstage™. The BigBOSS is seen sitting at a desk with The Li'lBOSS standing nearby. Lock, Shock, and Barry lurk in the distance.
BigBOSS: Flunkie, take this out The Masked Announcer. (hands him a 3x5 card) Make it snappy. They got that mess cleaned up yet? How's Ken?
Li'lBOSS: Which one? The Soem Guy in a Mask Ken or the Ken Guy in Soem Mask? Seom Kne ina Mask? Soem Guy in Ken's Maks? What the hell?
BB: Whichever one got the damn scaffold dropped on his head. That WAS Ken, right?
LB: I think so. He's still breathing.
BB: Good. Book him next Thursday. Flunkie, you STILL here?
(Back to ringside)
MM: What? I thought we were going to find out who those guys were at the start of the show in BigBOSS' office...
SW: Flunkie, Lock, Shock, and Barry...
MM: No, no, NO! I meant way back, at the very start...
NH: Keep your shirt on, Mike. We'll find out.
SW: Yeah, Monroe...keep your shirt on. Now Heidi is another story...
NH: You just never give up, do you, Scotty? As I was saying, one vacant title has been decided...and it's time to decide another. Masked Announcer is in the ring and Flunkie has already brought that index card from the BigBOSS...
MM: Yeah, and staff lackeys have wheeled out that small cage. I heard BigBOSS got that thing from the old NWA on eBay for 20 bucks. What a bargain!
SW: It looks like a bargain, that thing is falling apart! Cool. Could make things a little interesting...
MA: Ladies and Gentlemen, this next match is for the "You Gotta Have Friends" Tag-Team Titles! Introducing first... from Oakbrook, Illinois and Camelot, England...JOSHUA CRAIG AND SIR RONALD KILLALOT!
(Eddie B. cues "Something The Kids Are Listening To" by Some Group The Kids Are Liking. Josh Craig and Ronald Killalot enter to a loud pop. Mike Craig is leading the way waving his hands and clapping, Josh appearing to be exhausted from extensive training.)
NH: Where's Mary Beth?
MM: She's be banned from ringside for this one and Mike and "Charlie" are going to be locked in that small cage...
NH: Both? Together? That thing doesn't look big enough to hold one person let alone two.
SW: HEE HAW! That thing is gonna fall!
MM: HEY! Quit reading ahead!
MA: Their opponents... from Hoi Phong, Vietnam and The Unlucky Clover Ranch in Dublin, Ireland...VIET KONG AND BLACKJACK HOOLIGAN...THE UNETHICAL ETHNIC ALLIANCE!
(A speed metal version of "The Charlie's Angels" Theme plays. Loud boos as The Ethnics saunter to the ring. "Charlie" waves his riding crop with fervor and sneers at the fans near the aisle way, occassionally jumping at them with a threatening manner. They enter the ring...Masked Announcer takes out the BigBOSS index card...)
MA: Fans, a memo from the BigBOSS. *ahem* Since we already know this thing will probably end up there, we skipped the formalities. I order this match to be a TEXAS TORNADO MATCH! (crowd boos)
A Colorado Chaos Match? (crowd cheers wildly)
(Cut to the fan with the sign that read "Is this Canada Day Chaos?" It's been quickly altered to read "(((how do you do that stikeout feature, Steve? Could you do that for me or would it just be too funny to leave this))"
Is this Canada Day Chaos? IS Colorado Chaos!"
MA: LET'S GET IT ON!
MM: Whatever you call it, it still means all four men will be in the ring at the same time! Generic Ref is gonna have his hands full with this one!
NH: Look, "Charlie" and Mike Craig have still yet to get in that small cage...
(Cut to ringside. A small, iron bar cage is seen with "Charlie" and Mike Craig nearby. Generic Ref is out of the ring and telling the two to get in...)
Generic Ref: You heard the narrator, don't make me repeat myself!
Mike Craig: I'm not getting in there! I already told you guys I'm scared of heights!
"Charlie": Yoo woosee! Yoo beeg, fat cheeken!
SW: HEY! Mike Craig just waffled "Charlie" up side the head! He's throwing him in that cage!
NH: OOOOH! Mike didn't see Viet Kong coming up from behind! Kong has put Mike in there, too!
MM: Generic Ref is locking them in, Josh Craig with a suicide dive over the top rope on Kong! Blackjack and Killalot already involved in fisticuffs!
NH: And there goes the cage high above the ring. Did you guys hire some extra Flunkies to lift that thing?
MM: Nope, just one Flunkie! And one thread worn rope!
MM: Josh and Kong battling outside the ring, they're all over the Flimsy Guardrail™ and the Easily Seperatable Ringsteps™. Not to mention the Slightly Forgiving Mats Around The Ring!(R) Right hand by Kong, Josh fires back...
NH: Lots to keep up with here. Hooligan sends Killalot into the ropes, sunset flip by Sir Ronald! Jack doesn't follow through, that weight saved him... seat drop!
MM: SRK buried under Jack's rotund backside! The Lime Green Redneck might have crushed his chest with that one! But I doubt it since wrestling's fake...HEY! Who put that in there! (examines paper in front of him)
(Shot of GBH hanging out in the back...)
GBH: Duh, gotcha Mikey. Yur.
(Back to ringside...)
MM: Why I oughta...
SW: ...pay attention to this match! Hooligan is outside and is pounding away on Josh, who was choking Kong with an electrical cord. Jack throws Josh into the ring as Kong recovers...
NH: Ronald is still hurting but getting to his feet. Hooligan takes him and throws him over the top rope. Now has Josh...lifts him to his shoulder...running powerslam! Oh my, that looked like it may have broken some ribs. What's this? "But I doubt it 'cause wrestling is fixed?"
GBH: (Somewhere offscreen) Hee.
MM: Stupid GBH! Jack with the cover. He's got him...ONE, TWO, THREE! The Unethicals have won it!
NH: But nobody's bleeding yet...
MM: GOOD POINT, HEIDI! I knew you were out here for a good reason!
SW: You mean other than for us to oogle over and PPV buyrate increase?
MM: ANOTHER GOOD POINT! HEY GENERIC, SOMEBODY HAS TO BLEED BEFORE A MATCH CAN END! IT HAS TO CONTINUE!
Generic Ref: Oh yeah, well...with that long intermission and all...I kinda forgot. Hey Jack, you heard the man, somebody has to bleed before the match can end.
Hooligan: No problem, lahdie...I'll fix dat I will.
SW: Jack's blading himself! I've never seen a wrestler blade himself!
NH: Oh come on, Scotty...they do it all the time, but they're usually more discreet about it.
Hooligan: Thar, is it a floowin?
Generic Ref: Like a river...
SW: Jack covers Josh again...ONE, TWO, Save by Killalot! Sir Ronald stomping away on Hooligan, Viet Kong slowly getting to his feet and getting back in the ring.
MM: Snap suplex by the Arthurian Knight, he's pinning Blackjack...ONE, TWO, THR...NO! Kong flipped Sir Ronald off his partner by his leg! Wait a minute...Flunkie just informed me there's a mic up in the small cage...let's go there now!
Mike Craig: Hey man, are you scared up here?
"Charlie": Doo bear sheet een woods? Stop moovin' awoun'!
MM: Ummmm, maybe we'll come back to that later. Kong sends Killalot into the corner...follows with a hard charging knee. Jack is back up and just kicked Josh in that yet to be fully healed laceration from last NAGAM in that six-man cage match. The boy Craig is busted open again!
SW: Crap! I was ready to go double or nothing with you, Mike, give you a chance to win your money back...
MM: That was a sucker bet...
NH: Kong sends Sir Ronald across, lifts his leg and that big foot sent Killalot tumbling backwards through the ropes and to the floor again!
SW: Blackjack is getting his hand ready, clutching it into a claw formation...Irish Noggin' Claw on Josh! This could do it. (crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!) Josh with a kick to the groin! He went after Jack's lucky charms with that one!
NH: Nice, Scotty. That was so cheesy, but it did break the hold...
MM: Josh turns around and catches a forearm from VK, sending Craig straight to the mat. Kong now going after Killalot on the outside...
SW: HEY LOOKOUT! The door just fell off the tiny cage!
"Charlie": Mee said stoop moovin' awoon', Migh Craig!
Mike Craig: I didn't move you dumb rice cake! (slaps "Charlie")
MM: "Charlie" and Mike duking it out! Mike fell out of the door! So did "Charlie"!
(Pan up to small cage. Mike Craig is holding onto the bottom of the cage. "Charlie" is dangling below him, holding on to Mike's ankles.)
MM: Kong has been distracted! He's going over to try and catch his mentor!
NH: Jack has somehow managed to survive the below the belt shot and is setting up Josh for a piledriver...
SW: Look at Killalot! He's going up top!
MM: Cross body block on Blackjack Hooligan as he lifted Josh! Sir Ronald's momentum caused him to roll out of the ring...but Josh is laying on Jack like some demented Horizontal Piledriver!
NH: Better than a Horizontal Tango. At least it is for those two. (Heidi and Scotty start giggling)
MM: I don't get it.
SW: You don't get it 'cause you don't get it. If you got it, you'd get it. Got that? (Heidi and Scotty laugh again)
MM: Whatever. But I still don't get it. (Heidi and Scotty giggle amongst themselves some more) Joke all you want, Jack's shoulder's are down!
SW: "Charlie" just fell!
SW: He just took out Kong! Mike right behind him...
MM: He landed on "Charlie" and Kong! But he's quickly up and dancing hysterically, he dogpiles onto his son! Killalot joining in!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match...and NEEEEEEEEEEEEW "YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS" TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS.....hey, you guys got a team name yet?
Killalot: Ummmmm. Not really.
MA: ....AND NEEEEEEEEEEW "YOU GOTTA HAVE FRIENDS" TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS...."UMMMMMMM, NOT REALLY"!
MM: Wow, listen to that crowd pop! Mike Craig quickly grabs the titles and runs up the aisle. Josh and Sir Ronald follow a bit slower behind. A bloody Hooligan checks on his fallen comrades...
(Some where in an old folk's home, the patriarch of the Craig Family, Grandpa Craig...celebrates in the television/activities room while the two codgers next to him playfully hit each other with canes. Another geezer sits alone in the corner while a cigarette butt burns into his fingers. He doesn't flinch.)
MM: Whew! We're not even going to get a break! Homicidal Hank is already strutting to the ring just as The Ethnics head up the ramp, Hooligan with his hands on his head in disbelief over the loss, "Charlie" with has hands on his head probably trying to keep his brain in, and Kong with a noticable limp... Hank didn't even look their way as he passed by. Which is odd considering past history with Kong. Oh, he looks focused tonight...
SW: Yeah he does, Clive got a new camera. Oh my... (grabs stomach) We need a break, I'm (The sound switches off. Scotty's lips move for a few seconds.)
NH: THAT'S a little bit more information than we needed, Scotty...
MM: Yeesh... They'd NEVER let you say that on Mayhem!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen... this contest is scheduled for one fall, one bleed or one screwjob! And it is for the Swiss Army Title!
(Cut to the guy with the "Who Cares" sign. Rent-a-cops are trying to talk him into giving it up.)
MA: Introducing first... the Icon! The Former two-Time Swiss army Champion! The Lout-pouter and All-Around nice guy! The... I'm sorry, I can't make out the next sentance he wrote... The Man called.. VOOOOOOSSSSS!
(A pounding rock beat starts. The crowd goes into a "We Will Rock You"-esque clap. Ten seconds later the beat fades into "If You're Happy and You Know It." The fans pop like trained seals as Justin Voss makes his appearance, with Andrew Spink trailing him like a small, profanity spewing moon.)
MM: Listen to that reaction! A cacophany of sound! A thunderous, raptorous, explodofifirous reception!
SW: You made that last one up, didn't you Mike?
NH: Oh don't be such a flaskdoper, Scotty! It's a perfectly ambulivant word!
MM: It's true, Scotty! Here, look it up in this thesarium if you think I'm squirkling you!
SW: HEY! Knock it off the pair of you!
(Cut to GBH in the backstage area.)
GBH: Duh. Snazzbugly. Yur.
(Back to ringside.)
SW: QUIT IT!
NH: Okay, okay... sorry Scotty...
MA: And his oppponent... coming out of retirement for the hoofleenth time...
SW: NOW HE'S DOING IT!
MA: From Slightly Naughty Word, Pennsylvania... and for some reason, already in the ring... HOMICIDAL HANNNNK!
(Hank snatches the mic off the Masked Announcer.)
Hank: Now listen up, Voss! I came here tonight, intent on rippin' out ya lungs and feedin' them to you! But ya know something?! I'm just feelin'... too damn good! The sun was shinin' today, the birds were singing in the trees, and Doc Fraud has me on these reallllly funky little green pills... and I thought... "That Voss aint such a BLEEP after all!" We don't need ta fight! Put it there, pal!
MM: What's going on here? Hank offers Voss the hand of friendship?
SW: Setup! It's a setup! Hank's gonna kill him!
(Hank and Justin shake hands. The audience relaxes visibly.)
Hank: I was also thinkin'... it's true you never actually lost the Swiss Army belt. And if anyone deserves that belt, it's you! So I'm going to lie die and let ya pin me...
(He lies down. The crowd tenses again, sensing a swerve/screwjob in the air.)
MM: Voss shrugs and makes a cover... ONE!
SW: Here it comes!
SW: Hank's going to snap!
SW: Say what?
MA: Ummm. Ladies and gentlemen.. your winner, apparently... and NEWWWWW Swiss Army Champion... "THE STEREOTYPED FACE" JUSTIN VOSSSSS!
Hank: Great match, buddy! Now c'mon, Spike, let's go! I've got a hankering to visit childrens hospitals on the way home! Let's go brighten up those kids day!
(Hank grabs his geranium manager and heads down the aisle, slapping hands with the fans. Justin Voss and Andrew Spink are doing a victory dance in the ring. Cut to a stereotyped shrink.)
Dr Fraud: I am a zuch a chenius, ja?
(Back to ringside. The announcers are sitting in stunned silence. We fade to a commercial.)
BOB 2000: Contains 65% of Your Recommended Daily Dose of Sillyness!
IT'S BLOODY WELL FINISHED!
MM: We're back! And, what a finish to the Voss/Hank match! I never expected THAT ending!
SW: Please, Mike...it's a PPV! You gotta expect the unexpected! Otherwise, it's just a regular weekly show at an extremely bloated price!
MM: Between you and Heidi, I don't know who's worse at breaking kayfabe. Would you just call the matches and stick with witty asides and heel support?
NH: Well, "pink" is much quicker to type than "fuchsia"...
MM: STOP THAT! Getting back to business, the crew chief is putting up the cage for a next match, which should be a REAL slobberknocker! It's SMP and Luke Warm, The Mama'z Boyz...taking on Those Damn Studlys!
SW: I thought your bio said you graduated from the Tony Schiavone school...
FANS! NAGAM returns as the BOB Coast to Coast Tour rolls on! Live from Hazard, Kentucky! Already signed: Herb Romaine, Mountain Dew Man, and Zilla will get another chance to settle their feud! And we're throwing Fanboy in to defend his Hardcore Title in a Ring Full Of Semi-Dangerous Stuff/Over the Top Rope Elimination Match! More matches signed later!
NH: Let me guess. Ronald and Josh are also going to defend the tag-team belts against Bo and Luke Duke?
MM: I think that was "Hazzard"...anyway, is Scotty back from the restroom yet?
MA: Ladies and gentlemen! This next match is a fight to the finish! Intoducing first...making their official debut in BOB...Steve Studnuts and Lance Mayhem, STUDLY MAYHEM!
(Eddie B. strikes up "Killing In The Name" by Rage Against The Machine. Steve and Lance briefly pose at the top of the ramp and then slowly walk to the ring as loud boos echo throughout the building for the fed crashers. The enter the cage and flex some more to louder boos. Lance tweaks his own nipples as Steve makes lewd hand gestures to female fans at ringside...)
MA: Their opponents, first...from Naples, Italy...
SW: Did I miss anything? I mean, other than the bathroom being out of T.P.?
NH: Again, a little more than we needed to know...
MM: Just in time, Scotty...
MA: ..."The Smooth Operator", DR. SILACONNE M. PLANTS!
(Sade's "Smooth Operator" plays as Eddie adds a "Gritty Scratch". SMP walks out to a loud pop. Cut to a sign reading "I'm a PLANT! (fan)" SMP enters the cage and glares at the two men across the ring...)
MA: ...His partner, a man that needs no introduction...
(The Masked Announcer leaves the ring)
MM: Where's he going?
NH: I guess he was serious...
SW: Steve and Lance have attacked SMP! This thing is on! BOO-YEAH!
MM: Plants trying to fight off both men, they beat him down and now Steve steps to the outside and padlocks the cage...it's going to be Studly Mayhem vs. SMP! Looks like the Doc is going to have to go it alone until Luke gets his introduction!
NH: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Luke is a good ole boy from Texas, but he's not THAT stupid!
MM: You don't think the Masked Announcer is in on this Brother's In Masks thing do you?
(A monster pop is heard as Luke appears on the Bob-Tron. He's holding a sheet of paper that has "instructions" at the top. Panning down, his rental has a flat tire.)
MM: Look in the ring! Studnuts just pulled a nail out of his boot! Probably just after he pulled it from Luke's tire!
SW: Good work, Sherlock! SMP ducked Lance's clothesline, drops to his knees...uppercut lowblow! Steve is in and misses with a wild right...SMP makes a run for the border again! Well, just south of it.
MM: What are you doing, Scotty? Are you being influenced by sponsors again?
SW: Not at all. Drop the Chalupa.
NH: Hey, this is serious! Sil can't fight both these guys all night!
MM: Sure he can, but he won't win! SMP rams Lance into the cage! Now Studnuts! Lance staggering around, gutwrench by Plants...has him up. SCAPEL'S EDGE! He's trying a pin, but nobody's bleeding yet...
SW: It didn't matter anyway, Studnuts already broke up that pin attempt, grabs Silaconne by the back of the neck and sends him into the cage! Wanna go double or nothing, Mike? It's still early...
NH: Steve is back in the corner. Lance still groggy from that Scapel's Edge but is back up and choking Sil out with the bottom of his foot. No blood yet.
SW: Now a lazy tag by Lance, here comes Studnuts. He's got SMP up on his shoulder...battering rams him into the cage! ANOTHER! Drops Plants like a ton of bricks and gloats to the crowd, making a reverse peace sign and sticking his tongue out between his fingers..wiggling it like a madman! That's pretty nasty, huh Heidi?
MM: Plants is bleeding! This one could end now before Luke ever gets here!
(Another loud crowd pop as Luke is again seen on the BOB-Tron. He's standing on the side of a road, making use of his legendary "Double Thumbs Up".)
MM: Studnuts with an Irish whip. Scoop powerslam! The cover. One! He picks Plants up! He's shaking his head. A nonchalant tag to Mayhem, they're gonna tear SMP apart!
SW: Or stall long enough for Luke to get here...
MM: QUIT READING AHEAD! Lance is back in. What's he doing? He's taking SMP to the cage and tying his necktie to the fence, he's lifting him now by his legs! They're hanging him!
SW: Well, he shouldn't wear a tie to the ring! Check it out, you can almost see his face turning blue under all that red! He got a little giddy with the blade, didn't he?
NH: Knock it off, Scotty. Lance now just punching Sil, unties him, and sends him across. Lance lowers his head, DDT! Sil can still win it, there is some blood.
MM: He's too beat up to make a cover, he's just laying there trying to get his second wind. Not a good showing by Lance Mayhem tonight...
SW: Could be that total lack of roleplays...
MM: What's a roleplay?
NH: Oh no, Lance just tagged Studnuts again. Double underhook into a powerbomb! No pin attempt, though...he's looking at the BOB-tron again. Why? It's blank...
(Shot of The Flunkie fumbling around with a video cassette. He gets it in and presses play. Cut to Bob-Tron. A pick-up truck pulls up beside Luke Warm, it has chicken wire around the bed and full of fowl...not to mention foul)
Driver: WOW! Aren't you Steve Aus...
Luke: Ummmm, yeah. Yes I am. Hey, can you take me the BudgetDome? My car broke down.
Driver: OH HELL YEAH! Jump in the back, hope you don't mind riding with chickens. But you gots to say your catchphrase for me.
Luke: (while getting in the back)That's the lower lattitude! Step on it!
Driver: Lower lattitude? What tha hell?
(The truck pulls out of camera view in a cloud of dust and feathers, the arena crowd cheers)
MM: LUKE IS ON HIS WAY! Back in the ring, Plants just got nailed with the Phoenix born Studnut's finisher, "The Death Valley (Of-the-Sun) Driver"! A move that looks just like what Prince Albert is doing nowadays! A 1/4 airplane spin into a Diamond Cutter looking thing!
Studnuts: HEY, JERKWEED! I was doing this LONG before he was!
SW: Still no cover, he's tagging Lance again!
NH: They're going to cripple Sil! He's desperately trying to make a tag to anybody, even the Generic Ref isn't safe. SMP is reaching out for anything close by...
MM: Lance is setting SMP up for HIS finisher, an Old Skool Pildriver...Studnuts is calling for a mic!
SW: In the middle of a match? Cool!
Studnuts: "Hey Lance, why don't cha go ahead and finish that bleeding sack of sh(bleep)t off...we have a party to go to.
(The sound of Stuff Breaking is heard followed by an Earth shattering crowd pop. Lance freezes. Studnuts looks to the aisle. Nothing. Clive goes behind the curtain. Luke Warm is seen drinking a Yoo-Hoo as The Flunkie finishes applying chicken feathers on him with glue. Luke spots Clive...)
Luke: NOT YET, KNUCKLEHEAD!
(Shot of the announce team. Mike shrugs)
SW: Look in the ring! SMP with a double leg pickup on Lance. Catapult into the cage!
(The sound of Stuff Breaking is heard followed this time by an ear splitting roar. Luke Warm comes running down the rampway...feathers fly everywhere.)
MM: IT'S LUKE WARM! LUKE WARM MADE IT! THAT CHICKEN TRUCK GOT HIM HERE JUST IN TIME!
NH: *sigh* Nice try, Mike.
SW: Luke is climbing the cage wall to get in the ring, Studnuts now climbing the ropes to try and stop him! Meanwhile, Lance Mayhem has been lacerated and SMP gets a much needed breather...
MM: I feel a momentum swing here!
NH: Really? (rolls eyes)
MM: Studnuts and Luke trading punches over the top of the cage, SMP is up and is grabbing Steve by his trunks...
(Another loud crowd pop because...)
MM: HE PULLED HIS TRUNKS OFF!
SW: Studnuts had to cover his ...ummm...studnuts! Another right from Luke!
MM: Tha-a-a-t's not a good place to get a rope burn...
SW: Kids, despite what you just witnessed by the ring rope...just say no to crack!
MM: BWWWAAAAAA HAAA HAAA...sorry.
NH: Scotty, you might get to see a worm after all...
SW: That's not funny!
MM: Steve finally gets off the rope, but it gave Luke time to get over the cage and into the ring! Right hands by Luke to Studnuts' jaw! He can't defend himself! He has to cover his...well, you know.
NH: Sure he can defend himself! Lift your arms, Steve! WHOO HOO!
MM: Luke backs Steve up, whip to the ropes..backdrop! I can honestly say that's the first time I've seen a man with nothing on but wrestling boots take a backdrop!
SW: I certainly hope so! Steve couldn't get any real height because he couldn't push off Luke's back with his hands. Nice tan line, though...not that I'm looking or anything..
MM: Luke has a bloody Lance Mayhem, sends him to the ropes...LOU THESZ PRESS! Piston like right hands! Generic Ref now leading the feather covered Luke to his corner, he's never been officially tagged in yet!
SW: SMP is crawling to his corner, Luke with an outstretched hand! Studnuts' looking for his trunks, Mayhem trying to get to his feet..
NH: Mayhem realizing what's going on, trys to prevent Sil from making the tag...knee to the back, Sil falls into his corner...
MM: HOT TAG!
SW: Maybe you did graduate Tony U.!
NH: Lance with a forearm to Luke's back as he entered the ring...seting him up to send him across..
MM: Luke reverses....whips Lance, NO! Holds on, pulls him in...STONECUTTER! HE HIT THE STONECUTTER! Grabs the leg, pulls way back...
SW: Luke's up and downing a Luke-Hoo that magically appeared from thin air! How does he DO th...OOOOOH! Nice clothesline to the back of Warm's neck by Studnuts while still maintaining his privacy! YEAH! Now the heels get really mean!
MM: It's the old "you won the battle, we win the war" bit! Nothing takes the sting out of a loss like beating the crap out of your opponents after the bell! Studnuts kicks SMP on the side of the head while he still lay slumped in his own corner!
NH: Lance staggers back to his feet, he grabs Luke and sends him face first into the cage. Has him again, he's motioning to Steve for a spike piledriver! YEAH, DO IT! You know what Steve has to do to be on the "feet" end of a spike piledriver don't you?
MM: I can't believe you, Heidi...cheering against Luke Warm like that.
NH: Luke who? I wanna see some weenie!
NH: Not yours, Scotty.
SW: HEY! I meant...well, you're not going to. Look coming down the aisle! It's Salenne M. Plants and Mama Warm!
MM: The Mama'z Boyz' Mamaz, uhrah...MAMAS are here! And they got weapons! Salenne has a rolling pin! Mama Warm is carrying a switch! Mama Plants has picked the lock with a hair pin, they're in the ring!
SW: Those two old coots got no business in there! Put the big kabosh on 'em S&M!
NH: Salenne just whacked Studnuts with that dough roller! He's down! Mama Warm has Lance as Luke rolls away. She has Lance over her knee...
MM: She's taking Lance to the woodshed and it looks like he's enjoying it!
SW: No he's not! Mayhem quickly scampers on all fours to the door, Steve right behind him with one arm over his now bleeding forehead! That has to be a real bump, he had nowhere to hide the blade!
MM: Okay, that's enough...
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match...THE MAMA'Z BOYZ!
MM: WOW! While The mothers of Luke and SMP tend to their boys and the ring gets cleared, it's time for some last minute main event hype!
SW: I'm still wondering how Steve Studnuts walked out of here with his arm over his head and managed to keep his package hid. I guess his name is like when you nickname fat guys "Tiny". Kinda that reverse meaning thing...
NH: Oh, you're just jealous. But it is a little chilly in here, good air conditioning, you know. Hey...what now?
MM: SMP is coming back to the ring! He's bouncing off the aisle rails like a man beat half to death, or a wino.
NH: Looks like you did at last year's Christmas Party, Mike.
MM: Har har. Remind me never to play 'quarters' with Jack Hooligan again. SMP has a mic! What the hell?
SMP: (having some trouble standing, wipes blood from eye) BOBO! I'm sick and tired of you saying I'm avoiding you. That I'm afraid of you... (falls over, quickly stands back up) I'm here...I know you're still in the house...so why don't you bring YOUR DOOKIE POOT, CRUSTY @SS down here right now and LET'S GET IT ON!
MA: That's my line!
SMP: SHUDDAP, MARVIN GAYE! (stiff arms Masked Annoucer to the canvas) BOBO! Get your creepy @ss out here...NOW!
MM: GOOD LORD! SMP had lost it! He's flipped!
SW: He's dead...
NH: I can't watch this...I'll be back for the main event. (starts leaving, Scotty and Mike take a peek)
SW: Want some fires with that shake?
MM: Scotty, you're so immature...(looks at Heidi walking away and starts singing) "Shake it, don't break it, took your Mama nine months to make it!" *ahem* HERE COMES BOBO!
SW: I can't believe Plants is doing this, he can barely stand up! What's he thinking? This guy needs a CatScan!
MM: In about two minutes, he'll REALLY need one...Bobo's in the cage! Plants with a knife edge chop as Bobo stepped into the ring!
SW: ANOTHER CHOP!
MM: SMP with a thumb to the eye!
SMP: Betcha not laughing now, you greasy bastard!
SW: Plants with a head of steam off the ropes, Bobo has him...military press!
MM: He lowers him to chest level, presses him again! Another! Bobo walks out from under SMP and the Smooth Operator hits the mat face first. SMP is already a bloody mess, this one can end any second!
SW: And it probably will. Bobo now setting up Plants for a head first slam into that steel cage. REVERSAL! Bobo hits. SMP has him again, to the other side...Bobo off the cage again! He stunned...Plants has him! No friggin' way...
MM: NIPPLECUTER! HE GOT THE NIPPLECUTTER! The cover!
MM: NO! Generic Ref is holding up only two fingers! The crowd's count was a tad bit faster that Generic's! Bobo kicks out and sends SMP flying. Plants gets up, Bobo runs through him with a clothesline, SMP executing one of those snazzy, twisting 360 spins!
SW: Thus indicating a more vicious clothesline!
MM: Quite Vicious from Quite Fiendish! Hey, where's the little ™ thing? *ahem* Nevermind. Bobo takes Plants and throws him into the cage, SMP over the top rope and back first into the wall! He crumples to the mat.
SW: He has him again! He's setting him up for the "Farewell to the Flesh"!
MM: No he's not! You know Bobo gets to pick who gets that!
SW: You don't think he'd want Plants to get it?
MM: I'm not taking any chances, you saw what Bobo did to The Li'lBoss!
SW: Good point! You thinking what I'm thinking?
MM: Uh huh. SCRIPT "B", Baby! (flips over paper) SMP backdrops Bobo! SMP getting about his 42 wind here tonight! Stiff left jab! Looping right catches Bobo on the ear! Tries a kick, Bobo catches his leg...inziguri! Did I say that right?
SW: Don't worry, BigBOSS will spellcheck it. (Beats the hell out of me. The BOSS) Plants with a figure four! Bobo reverses, starts crawling to the ropes...dragging the Dirty Boobie Enhancer behind him!
MM: Bobo is climbing up the ropes! He's climbing the cage...SMP still dangling behind him! They're on the top turnbuckle now, Bobo is on his feet as Plants also tries to stand on the ropes, using the cage to keep his balance. Bobo with a hard shot to SMP's head, Plants falls back on the cage and Bobo has him in another press!
SW: He has him over his head! He throws SMP towards the mat and jumps right behind him...WHAT THE HELL?!
MM: GOOD GAW 'O MIGHTY! SMP hit the mat and a split second later Bobo hit a legdrop! What do you even call THAT?
SW: About 25 to Life in most states, and in Turkey I think they cut your hands off...
MM: Bobo with the cover, no need to hook a leg here because it'll probably come off...
MA: Ladies and gentlemen...YOUR WINNER...BOBO Q. FIENDISH!
MM: JEEZUS! Get Bobo out of there before he kills somebody!
SW: Bobo just looking at SMP, now it looks like he's going to leave...good, now Heidi can come back.
MM: Oh man, that sure was something...but we still have a main event to go! douja vs. Lord Sexbat for the Pan Galatic Title!
SW: WHOO WHEE! Hey, maybe they can just leave the cage up...this is fun!
MA: Ladies and gentlemen... It's time for our "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" MAIN EVENT! It is scheduled for one fall, with a time limit of one hour, or 15k of text, whichever comes first! And, it is for... dramatic pause... the PAN-GALACTIC Championship!
(Big-time crowd pop. The guy with the "Who Cares" sign is being hauled to the back by BOB Hired Goons.)
MA: And, as an extra added attraction, it will be fought within the confines of this top quality, demonic, evil, STEEL CAGE!
(The walls shudder as the Masked Annoucer raises his voice.)
MA: Introducing first...
(The opening notes of Eric Claptons version of "Cocaine" start to play... guess Eddie STILL doesn't have "How High" in his CD collection... the crowd pops again... Two walls of the steel cage fall over. So much for "confines", then...)
MA: From No Fixed Abode, Parts Forgotten, USA... the challenger.. DOOOOOOUJJJJA!
(The BOB fans start a "douja! douja!" chant as the face-only-by-default enters the arna. For the first time in living memory, he appears focused... and doesn't bounce off the guardrails on his way to the ring.)
MM: douja looks better than I've ever seen him. He appears almost...
SW: Remember Lord Sexbat burning doujas' weed a while back? We've been on the road ever since... You think he's scored since then?
NH: Not with me and if he says he did, it's a lie!
SW: I meant scored some herb, Heidi...
NH: Ummm.. so did I...
MA: And his opponent... The Gothic Lord Of the Underworld... yeah, right! LORDDDDD SEXBAT!
("Black Planet" (Eddies' "Championship Scratch Tha Midi File Mix") plays as Lord Sexbat and succubi parade down an aisle lit with flickering candles. The spooky effect is ruined by the rain of wadded-up paper cups that accompanies his entrance.)
NH: Scotty, will you quit throwing those?
SW: Oh, c'mon! I've been saving those cups for weeks!
Lord Sexbat: OW!
SW: Got him!
MM: Lord Sexbat is hot! He's coming over to remonstrate with Scotty! douja strikes! Baseball slide gets Wes in the back, who tumbles over our table!
SW: Whoa, baby! I haven't seen douja move that fast since they put Twinkies on the post-show buffet!
NH: Here he comes!
MM: He sure is! douja climbs onto our table.. Spinning heel kick creams Sexbat! Lord Sexbat may have made a serious error in judgement in depriving douja of his wacky-baccy!
SW: No kidding! His reactions are sharper, he's more agressive...
douja: I believe I am going to become the next Pan-Galactic champion, you see if I don't... ya cracka-BLEEP mudda-BLEEP, yo!
MM: ... Even his diction has improved! douja picks Sexbat up and atomic drops him on the guardrail! Standing drop-kick and they're taking it into the crowd! douja has Yoorick! Bam! The old skulllcracker-with-a-skull!
NH: This isn't a no DQ, No count-out match!! Why's the Genric Ref allowing this?
SW: Who? The guy hanging out with Lord Sexbats' succubi?
NH: Men! They're only interested in three things, and two of them we don't care about!
??: Too true!
MM: What the hey? Maxine "Maxi" Padds, formerly of BOB's womens division has joined us at the commetary booth!
MP: Well, you didn't think you could have a Pay-Per-View called "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" without me, did you?
MM: Fair enough! Lord Sexbat and douja are about fifteen rows back in the crowd, fists and forearms flailing!
(douja and Sexbat disappear from sight. A loud splintering sound is heard.)
Crowd: OOOOOH! YOU TRUCKED UP! YOU TRUCKED UP!
NH: Polite crowds here in Denver!
SW: Or illiterate! Where did they go?
MM: There! Sexbat has gotten a T-shirt off a fan and is throttling douja with it! I can't tell who's shirt it is.. could be a Mountain Dew Man shirt, or possibly a Blackjack Hooligan....
(Cut to Scotty, who's holding up the "Who Cares?" sign.)
MM: Sexbat whips douja around with the shirt.. straight through an emergency exit! Where are they going?
MP: And do we have a cameraman there to cover it?
(Cut to a shakey shot from Camcorder Guy of douja and Lord Sexbat fighting in a stairwell.)
MM: I repeat.. where are they going?
NH: They're heading up the stairs! Where do they lead to?
(Camcorder Guy focuses on a sign reading "To the Roof".)
SW: This is going to be the coolest thing in the history of television....
MP: I gotta agreee, Scotty!
NH: Someone could get killed up there!
SW: Where's Shane McMahon when you need him!
MM: Camcorder Guy follows douja and Sexbat to the roof! We apologise for the motion-sickness inducing camerawork, folks!
NH: You're telling me! It's like "The Blair Witch Rumble" watching this... Sexbat throws douja through a retaining wall! Drags him back into the stairwell and puts his head through a door!
SW: THEY'RE ON THE ROOF!
MM: This is amazingly dangerous! Both men are fighting on the curving, slippery roof of the BudgetDome! Sexbat ducks a clothesline.. SEXBOTTOM!
MM: Ummm.. BAT END!
NH: Even worse! And they're both sliding down the roof! Sexbat hooks a ventilation pipe... douja's picking up speed... OH MY GOD!
SW: WOOHOO! There he goes!
(Cut to a shot from a neighbouring rooftop. douja sails off the roof of the BudgetDome, curves in a gentle arc and smashes through the skylight of a small building.)
MM: GOOD LORD! He could have been killed!
(The shot pans down, showing a sign on the building douja hit reading "Pauls Comfy Cushion and Inflatable Mattress Emporioum".)
MM: And then again... check out Sexbat! He's climbing to the top of the Dome to pose!
SW: He'd better watch out.. he only weighs about 110 pounds.. a good gust of wind and...
MP: Picked it like a dirty nose, Scotty! There he goes... doujas going to have company!
NH: No, he's headed for the building next to it...
SW: Still bullseyed the skylight, though!
(The exterior shot switches to Sexbat's building. Their sign reads "Bob's Budget Barbwire, Nails and Broken Glass Warehouse.")
SW: Ooh. That's going to smart!
(Cut to Clive, who's rushing through the BudgetDome. He exits the building. A second later, so do The Craigs and Sir Ronald, who are singing an off-key rendition of Queens' "We Are The Champions". Abrubtly three Mysterious Figures leap from a nearby van and rush the new Tag Champs!)
SW: The Three Guys! Sir Hungalot, Jean...
NH: No, it isn't you moron! It's the Barbados Skanks and J.C Brawley! I recognise those creeps from the Whatever Wrestling Federation!
SW: She's right! Who could forget the "Jello Pit Match"?
NH: Not me! I was in it!
MM: Ahh, memories! But check out the smack those two natives are laying down on our tag champs! This is brutal! Oh, no, here comes the Two Spanish Girls with Accoustic guitars! Carl X grabs a guitar and smashes it over Joshuas head! And accoustic eq...
SW: Ixnay on the immickgay nfringementiay, Ikemay!
MM: ...A Six-string Stunner for Sir Ronald as well!
NH: There's Lord Sexbat! He's back on his feet and headed for the arena! Good grief, he's bleeding from a dozen different wounds!
MM: Where the heck is douja?
(Cut to the front of pauls Comfy Cushion Emporioum. douja is sharing a loose, herbal cigarette with Paul, an aging hippy.)
douja: thanks for the hit, dogg!
Paul: No problems, man! Peace!
MM: Here comes douja! And it's the douja of old we're seeing here!
MP: And that's a good thing? The moron just knocked Clive over!
(Cut back to the ringside shot.)
MM: Well, while we await the return of douja and Sexbat, we'd like to thank our sponsers, who include: The Beer Marketing Board! MMMmmmm... Beer! And Hackenchoke Cigars! GBH's favourite!
(Cut to GBH, who's eating one.)
MM: And Cris Cordes Camera Company!
SW: I wondered where we got all the cameras from tonight! hey, here comes Wes! He's out on his feet! Geez, he's leaving a blood trail!
NH: And there's douja, leaving a trail of cookie crumbs!
MP: Those munchies wait for no man!
MM: We could be on the verge of a new Pan-Galactic Champ, folks! Sexbat slumps to the mat, exhausted! douja negotiates the ropes on the second attempt!
douja: Whoa. This s-BLEEP-t is strong, yo? Oh, wow...
(His knees buckle, and he collapses gently to the mat, where he lies pawing at the canvas.)
douja: Go 'way, li'l mousies.. hee hee heee...
(Cut to Paul the hippy.)
Paul: Genetic engineering, man! it's the wave of the future!
MM: douja is down! Sexbat crawls across the ring... he's covering! The Generic Ref breaks away from the policemen who were questioning him about that underaged goth chick he was chatting up...
SW: Hey, she looks like she's over 16 to me...
MM: He counts! ONE! TWO! THREE! Sexbat wins! Sexbat wins! He retains the Pan-Galactic title!!
MM: What a night! We see all the ramifications of this when BOB's Coast-To-Coast Tour continues, but for Scotty Whatbody, Nurse Heidi, "Maxi" Padds, GBH, Dennis, The Flunky...
(We fade out.)
©2000 BOB Wrestling! BOB: GIVING SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT A BAD NAME SINCE 1999