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She Looked Cuter Last Night Sunday Morning

The ratings are about to change....

***A video montage of Totally Face is shown of their acquiring of the new BOB’s show. There is also a video showing Billy Polar being carted off by Nurse Heidi. A still photograph of Billy Polar is show with white letters "WILLIAM POLAR: 1972-2002 YOU WILL BE MISSED." There is a light that flashes over the screen revealing the BOB’s symbol, and then a video showing BOB’s superstars in action and looking very meanly into the camera as Meredith Manson’s "Adequate People" booms on your TV screen. Camera cuts to the elaborate pyro live (tape-delayed) from Harris, Iowa, as Scotty Whatbody and Mark Shill are seated behind a table next to a decorative set complete with the TinyTron. Camera cuts to Scotty and Mark.***

MS: Welcome everybody to the premiere episode of "She Looked Cuter Last Night" Sunday Morning. I’m Mark Shill alongside Scotty Whatbody, and what a line-up we have here tonight. This is the biggest night in BOB’s history.

SW: You’ve got to be kidding me. Have you seen the card for tonight? There is no T and A anywhere on there at all.

MS: Regardless this should be the most exciting night in BOB’s history. I cannot wait for this night to get going so we can enjoy another night of exciting BOB’s action.

***"It’s all about the Benjamins (Rock Remix)" by P. Diddy blares over the sound system as a video montage of the now defunct PCW plays, out walks none other than Da Man and Da Man’s Friend.***

MS: Good Lord in heaven what are those two doing here?

SW: Hey didn’t Da Man date Britney Spears? This could get interesting.

MS: They don’t work here, what could they want?

SW: Who cares? Britney might be here tonight. I need a mint.

***Da Man’s Friend grabs a microphone and gets in the center of the ring.***

DMF: What’s up Harris, Iowa?

***Huge crowd pop.***

DMF: I bet each and every one of you is wondering what two college kids who have a large amount of money would be doing here….well, I’ll tell ya. We were bored so we brought our awesome set and sweet pyro from PCW and got a show on BOB’s to give the fans here exactly what they want.

SW: T AND A. T AND A. T AND A.

DMF: So we have come up with a few matches that we think you might like.

***Da Man’s Friend hands Da Man the mic.***

DM: Ladies and gentlemen, we have exactly what you want but first we need to get this place to feel a little more like home. Speaking of home…Mark and Scotty, you can go back to yours because your services won’t be needed here today. Buh-bye.

MS: Who will do the play-by-play. Good Lord this is a travesty.

SW: I better get paid for showing up today.

DM: Anyway…where was I? Oh yes. Introducing the newest addition to BOB’s wrestling and the newest color commentator. Please help me in welcoming the Canadian color man…Gordon Latrelle.

***"If I Had a Million Dollars" by Barenaked Ladies begins to play as Canada’s own Gordon Latrelle makes his way behind the announce table .***

DM: Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely proud and honored to introduce to you the best play-by-play man in sports entertainment…Frank Jones.

Voiceover: I like long walks on the beach and holding hands in the summertime, because I’m…D-d-d-da Sassy One.

***"It’s Rainin’ Men" by the Weather Girls blares as Da Sassy One comes out and he looks a little peeved. He climbs into the ring and has a mic in hand.***

DM: Frank, your place is behind the desk.

DSB: Man, you and I have known each other for a long time, and there is only one thing I want from you.

DM: Frank, we had this discussion and you know I don’t swing that way.

DSB: I’m not gay. I need one thing before I return to the commentator’s table. I want Polar tonight.

***Huge crowd pop.***

DM: Frank, obviously you were not watching the video montage that my team of…I mean that I spent long hours putting together. Billy Polar is gone.

DSB: Sweet sassy molassy, I don’t give a rat’s ass if he’s not here. You give me Polar tonight.

DM: You want Polar tonight? Let’s see, do the fans want to see Da Sassy One take on Polar tonight in a grudge match?

***Huge crowd pop.***

DM: I just want to give the fans what they want, so tonight in Harris, Iowa; Da Sassy One will face Polar.

DSB: Now, I must go to the back to get ready.

***Da Sassy One exits and heads toward the back with hands raised in the air.***

DMF: Dude, what else could you possibly have in store for tonight?

DM: The new play-by-play guy is going to be Gordon Latrelle, and he’ll be joined by none other than Da Man’s Friend.

DMF: Dude, how are we supposed to hang out in the back and drink during the show if I’m commentating?

DM: Ask Da Sassy One, he’s the one that made me do it. Just grab a few Mark’s Hard Lemon Juice and call some matches. It’s no big thing.

DMF: Dude, what are you gonna be doin’?

DM: I don’t know, Britney said she might stop by. Does Harris, Iowa want to see Britney Spears here tonight?

***Huge crowd pop.***

DM: See ya soon buddy.


***Shots through a nursing home as a nurse carts meals to the various residents. She takes a meal into room 342, and places it on the tray. The old man pinches the nurse’s butt as she walks away and she winks at him. The decrepit old man is sipping Papsi from a can through a straw.***

Voiceover: Papsi Cola the taste of a past generation.


***Camera cuts to a shot of Da Man on a cell phone in his office.***

DM: I completely understand your concern for the direction of this company, but you disappeared a long time ago, and now you want to make a comeback?!? Ok, you can say your piece, but you have say…two and a half minutes. What do you mean that you want three minutes?

***Candy Cantaloupes enters Da Man’s office.***

DM: Look I have to go, we’ll talk later. Can I help you Candy?

CC: I hope so. You see I requested a bra and panties match with Sarah the Jobber Slayer.

DM: Yes I do remember something of that nature.

CC: And I was hoping that I could persuade you to give me that match here tonight.

DM: I’d love to Candy, but Sarah will not be here tonight. She said it had something to do with her Aunt Flow and it was a woman thing. But what I can do for you is give you that same bra and panties match tonight against the hottest lesbian in sports entertainment, Kay Fabe.

CC: A lesbian and a female porn star in a bra and panties match. Sounds like some hot lesbian action.

DM: Huh?

CC: Never mind, thanks Da Man.

***Candy exits the office.***

DM: Now where did I put those tissues?

***Camera cuts back to the commentator’s table.***

GL: I can hardly believe that tonight we’ll have Kay Fabe and Candy gettin’ it on in the ring tonight, eh?

DMF: Dude, this is going to rank up there as one of the greatest nights in my life, right behind my senior prom, and the time when I ate four whole pizzas without throwing up.

GL: Oh one of those nights eh?

DMF: Dude, nobody forgets their senior prom…nobody.

MA: This match is scheduled for one fall and is for one half of the Swiss Army title.

***"Closer (NES remix)" by Nine Inch Nails begins to play as the crowd goes absolutely bonkers. Okay, they rustled about just a bit.***

MA: Introducing first from Seattle, Washington, weighing in at 330 pounds, he is one half of the Swiss Army champion. The Violent Pacifist.

***VP slowly walks down to the ring with one half of the Swiss Army title over his shoulder. Those crazy kids at Totally Face are at it again. VP grabs a mic as he enters the ring.***

VP: I have been told that tonight, I must defend my half title against a living legend, an icon if you will, from sports entertainment’s true glory days. Tonight I must face him in his return to BOB’s. Well let me be the first to tell you that this is gonna hurt me more than it’s gonna hurt you.

***"William Tell Overture" begins to play as BILL comes out to a huge pop. Unfortunately, he trips on a piece of dust and tumbles down to the ring.***

MA: And his opponent, BILL.

DMF: Dude, this is one of the most monumental occasions in BOB’s history. There’s no way that Da Man can top this.

GL: Don’t forget about the bra and panties match, eh?

DMF: Dude, there is no freakin’ way that any other show in sports entertainment is this good. I need a Mark’s.

GL: There’s the bell and we’re aboot to get underway. BILL calling the Test of Strength against VP, and VP obliges. What do you think aboot this match-up?

DMF: Dude, not while I’m drinkin’ a Mark’s. But now that I think about it how can one man defend half a title?

GL: The same way 3 men can defend the tag titles. VP with a kick to the gut. BILL goes down in pain. BILL is down and having problems getting back up.

DMF: It’s totally part of his plan. He knows how to pull off the victory in the nick of time.

GL: Are we talking aboot the same BILL?

DMF: Ah, dude, I thought you meant VP. Dude, forget it. Keep goin’ with your thing.

GL: Thank you for your permission. Now, VP has BILL back up, and throws a right. No effect on BILL. VP with a left. No effect on BILL. It looks like BILL is BILL-ing up?

DMF: Heh heh, I taught him that one. I told him I’d give him a one hundred dollar bill if he’d BILL-up.

GL: VP’s not very happy with BILL and he gives him the Irish Whip into the corner. And VP follows with a big chest bump.

DMF: Dude, he totally pissed off VP.

GL: He’s really gonna earn that one hundred dollars. VP drags him to the top rope and I think it’s time for the Nine Inch Nailer eh?

DMF: Dude, everybody’s gettin’ their cameras ready.

GL: And he nails it. VP apologizes to BILL and then pins him one…two…three. This one is over eh?

MA: The winner of this match and still one half of the Swiss Army Champion…The Violent Pacifist.

***Camera cuts to a backstage view of a door. The door opens and closes. The camera pans down to see Hardcore JJ walking in with a Blue’s Clues book bag.***

GL: Hardcore JJ is here today, what could this mean? We’ll be back after this.


***Various shots of BOB’s superstars are shown as Meredith Manson’s "Adequate People" plays throughout. Camera cuts to Josh "Massive Man" standing in front of a black background.***

Josh: I know where I’ll be this Sunday morning, how about you?

***Josh starts looking around***

Josh: Okay I said it now when do I get my money?

***Camera cuts to a graphic for "She Looked Cuter Last Night" Sunday Morning.***

Voiceover: She Looked Cuter Last Night Sunday Morning. Check your local listings for times in your area.


***"N.W.O" begins to blare over the sound system as Trey Vincent, Seth Harker, and Steve Studnuts make their way down to the ring to the chorus of boos by disgruntled fans. The fans have finally learned that these guys are not nice. Oh, and they have a mic.***

TV: Trey Vincent was told by the higher ups that by contractual obligation I had to make an appearance to this lame ass show. There’s nothin’ to do in this dump. So I came and said my piece.

SH: Trey we’ve given this crapfest too many ratings. We should get out of here.

SS: Hold up, I think we should tell these numbnut nobodies that they wasted their money coming to see this event.

TV: Are you kiddin’? They were probably paid to come see this, no one’s that dumb.

***"It’s all About the Benjamins (Rock Remix)" by P. Diddy hits as Da Man comes to the stage with a mic in hand.***

DM: I’ve been waiting for iAd to make their appearance tonight. You know what? I had a special plan for all of you tonight, but I think I’m gonna throw that idea out the window. Yeah, I have an idea for a title match.

TV: Look, Da Man, I know you’re desperate for ratings, this being your first show and all, but this is the last you’ll see of the Only World Champion that Matters.

DM: Oh no it’s not, for you see tonight in that very ring, we’re going to have a title match. It’s going to be iAd taking on the Kent State Krew for the "Four Play" tag team titles. See you fellas in the ring.

GL: This is gonna be wicked cool. Can this night get any bigger?

DMF: Maybe, if we can get Sarah in that bra and panties match.

GL: We’ll be right back. What do you mean anyway I hear she’s only a B cup…what do you mean we’re still rolling?


Buy our Pay-Per-View. Send Us Money: A Chance Would Be a Fine Thing! SUM: ACWBAFT is brought to you by…

Killsbury


Voiceover: Let’s get dangerous.

***"It’s My Life" by Bon Jovi hits over the sound system as Mike Dangerous comes down to the ring to a confused fan reaction. Yeah, I don’t know this guy either.***

MA: This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing in at 230 pounds. Mike Dangerous.

***"Bad" by Michael Jackson hits over the sound system.***

MA: And his opponent, weighing in at 180 pounds. Mike McIntosh.

***As his video and music continue to play, there is no sign of McIntosh.***

DMF: Dude, he’s totally not gonna get paid if he doesn’t wrestle or at the very least try to hit his finisher. That’s just the rules.

GL: Perhaps he had second thoughts, eh?

***Camera cuts to the backstage area where McIntosh is seen lying on the ground. Camera cuts back to Dangerous who is in slight shock.***

GL: What is this all aboot? Did iAd strike again?

Voiceover: Jimmy, I want a cookie.

***Sounds of cookie jars breaking fills the arena as Hardcore JJ struts down to the ring. The crowd is goin’ nuts.***

GL: It’s Hardcore JJ.

DMF: Sweet, I love this little kid.

***JJ enters the ring as Dangerous tries to fend him off, to no avail. Dangerous gets the JJ Drop, and JJ climbs the bottom rope in each corner with his fists in the air. He’s got a mic.***

JJ: …..

Crowd: What?

JJ: ……

Crowd: What?

***JJ throws the mic up the ramp toward the stage, and grabs another one.***

JJ: Da Man spends a ton of money on equipment that is nothin’ but crap. Then he decides that Hardcore JJ won’t be a part of the premiere festivities. Nuhhhh-uhhh.

***Huge crowd pop.***

JJ: I come out here night after night tellin’ Trey Vincent that he can only run and hide for so long. That Hardcore JJ is right around the corner. That it’s open season on The Only World Champion’s ass.

***Crowd pop.***

JJ: Then he comes out here and whines and bitches about having to be here tonight. About how you people don’t deserve to see him. Well let me tell that sorry summabitch that if he wants to whine and bitch about somethin’ let it be about losin’ his strap to the smallest SOB in sports entertainment.

***Crowd pop.***

JJ: I’m gonna go through each and every member of this roster until I get to you Vincent. My Blue’s Clues watch is tellin’ me (taps his watch and holds it to his ear) it’s time to JJ Drop that sorry summabitch and become the Only World Champion that Matters. And that’s my last line…

Crowd & JJ: because my mommy said so.

***More cookie jars breaking again fill the arena as JJ calls for some Pepsis and drinks them while spilling a lot on his shirt. He really should ask for his sippy cup instead.***


***Various shots of BOB’s superstars are shown as Meredith Manson’s "Adequate People" plays throughout. Camera cuts to Brandon "Bitch Smacker" standing in front of a black background.***

Brandon: Sunday mornings ain’t just for comics anymore. That’s the line right????

***Camera cuts to a graphic for "She Looked Cuter Last Night" Sunday Morning.***

Voiceover: She Looked Cuter Last Night Sunday Morning. Check your local listings for times in your area.


Voiceover: I like long walks on the beach and holding hands in the summertime, because I’m…D-d-d-da Sassy One.

***"It’s Rainin’ Men" by the Weather Girls plays on the sound system as Da Sassy One comes out toward the ring.***

MA: This match is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Miami, Florida, weighing in at 225 pounds. Da Sassy One.

***Da Sassy One grabs a mic.***

DSB: All right, I have waited a long time for this. Bring on Polar.

***"La Bamba" by Los Lobos blares over the sound system as Pepe Polar runs down the ramp and into the ring.***

GL: What is this all aboot?

DMF: Dude, I knew Da Man had something up his sleeve. This is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Hey wait a second if Da Man had something up his sleeve then he must be heel. Damn it I signed on to be a face.

GL: Oh that’s too bad my little flunky. This one is under way, and Da Sassy One seems to be man-handling Pepe.

DMF: I heard he likes to man-handle a lot of things.

DSB: I heard that and "I’M NOT GAY!!!"

DMF: Denial’s the first step to recovery, that’s what they told me in AA.

GL: You went to Alcoholics Anonymous?

DMF: Yeah, but I dropped out. They wanted me to do twelve whole steps and they said the ones that I climbed to get to the meeting didn’t count, so I was like Nuh-uh.

GL: That explains a lot. Back to the match, Da Sassy One has Polar in the corner and he’s hammering away on the little man.

DMF: Dude, insert your own random gay joke here.

GL: Da Sassy One whips him into the ropes, and is setting him up for Da Sassifaction.

DMF: Dude, he nailed it. Whattamaneuva.

GL: What was that all aboot?

DMF: Da Man says that I’m contractually obligated to say the phrase "Whattamaneuva" at least twice in each of these shows.

GL: I can hardly wait for the next one eh? Da Sassy One has the pin, one…two…three. This one is over.

***Da Sassy One grabs the mic.***

DSB: You call that a challenge. I think I can take on almost anyone in the back. I feel great tonight. WOOOOOOO!

DMF: Dude, I thought we totally told him to scrap the Ric Flair impersonation. Da Man is gonna be pissed now.

***DONG, DONG, eerie organ music begins to play as the lights go out. Well, except for the purple and blue ones. There’s a fog as the Undietaker makes his way down the ramp. He enters the ring as the lights come back up.***

DMF: Told ya dude. This is gonna be awesome.

UT: You said something about a challenge?

DSB: Whoa whoa whoa big fella. When I said almost anyone, I meant almost anyone that hasn’t been on the active roster for a few months.

UT: Tonight you will feel the wrath of the Undietaker, so you had better DRESS IN FLE…

***Suddenly, there is a spotlight in the rafters. There is The Mystery Man up there.***

GL: It’s The Mystery Man who has invaded BOB’s eh? I’ve heard aboot him.

DMF: Dude, I think he just ruined it.

MM: Sorry to interrupt but do you really think your catchphrase strikes fear into the hearts of unknowing passers-by. I mean seriously "Dress In FLEECE" and "I’m Not Gay!!!" do nothing. Okay I will give you that the 3 exclamation points at the end of Da Sassy One’s are kinda chilling but really this is just a sad day in wr…whoa whoa whoaaaaaa….

***The Mystery Man falls off the rafters to the backstage area. The spotlight follows him down, and then shoots back up to catch a figure who rides down to the ring on a rip-cord. "Without Me" by Eminem hits the sound system as this regular guy comes to the ring.***

RG: You saw it right? I didn’t push him, he fell on his own free will.

DSB: Who in the H-E-double hockey sticks are you?

RG: Perhaps by my appearance you do not recognize me. It is I, Mr. Thursday Night, J.C. Long.

GL: Wasn’t he the Southeast Asian Champion in PCW?

DMF: Yeah, but after he abandoned us with out a word or a postcard, we figured he died. So we just left it at that.

JCL: I came back to prove that I could.

DSB: That you could what?

JCL: That I could come back. Wasn’t that clear???

DSB: Well, why didn’t you say that?

JCL: I did. (long pause as everyone tries to remember) Anyway, I have a feeling that the Undietaker needs a little walk down memory lane. So cue up the video boys and let her run.

***On the TinyTron, we see shots of J.C. Long "pushing" The Mystery Man off the scaffolding.***

JCL: Not that one, the tape I gave you. Jeezzzzz

***On the TinyTron, we see shots of J.C. Long pinning the Undietaker in a match from a year or two ago. This was back when the Undietaker still carried Joe Boxer briefs in his back pocket, and J.C. Long had long hair.***

JCL: As you can see Undietaker, I beat you once and I’ll beat you again. It looks like Thursday will come early this week.

***Camera cuts backstage as we see Candy Cantaloupes walking down the hall. The Camera cuts to Kay Fabe walking down a separate, but equal hallway.***

GL: It looks like the bra and panties match is next.


***Various shots of BOB’s superstars are shown as Meredith Manson’s "Adequate People" plays throughout. Camera cuts to Jim "Totally Packaged" standing in front of a black background.***

Jim: Sunday mornings just got a little hotter. Okay can we try that one again I just didn’t feel in the moment.

***Camera cuts to a graphic for "She Looked Cuter Last Night" Sunday Morning.***

Voiceover: She Looked Cuter Last Night Sunday Morning. Check your local listings for times in your area.


***"Maneater" by Hall and Oates plays over the sound system as Candy Cantaloupes struts down to the ring, and she seductively bends over and she steps through the ring.***

DMF: Dude, I think she just totally licked the middle rope. I think I’m in love. (looks down at crotch) Yep I am in love.

GL: She might love you for a price eh?

DMF: Dude, she’s a porn star, not a prostitute, there’s a huge difference.

GL: You’ll have to tell me aboot it sometime.

Kay Fabe Voiceover: IF YA SMELLLLLALALALALALALA. What the LESBIAN. Is….Cooking!

***"Queer" by Garbage begins to play, bringing out the Sexiest Wiccan Lesbian in Sports Entertainment. The redhead bombshell looks ready for this one.***

GL: This match is under way. The winner will be the person who strips her opponent of her clothes first.

DMF: Dude, this is totally the best idea Da Man ever had in his entire life. Even better than that one time when we were really drunk and…I’ll tell ya later.

GL: You like girls wrestling eh?

DMF: Dude, who cares about wrestling? It’s all about the moaning and stripping. Just like women’s tennis

GL: You’re a pervert, you know that?

DMF: Shh, the moans and grunts are starting.

GL: The ladies lock up for this exciting match up. Kay Fabe with an Irish whip and a knee to Candy’s stomach. Do you think Kay Fabe will let up on the former adult star?

DMF: Dude, I’ve seen her take a lot, so I hope not.

GL: Kay Fabe has Candy down on the ground and she is rubbing her face on the mat.

DMF: She’s trying to give Candy carpet burn.

GL: Nice lesbian reference. Kay Fabe is ripping at Candy’s shirt eh?

DMF: This is gonna be awesome.

GL: Candy flips Kay Fabe over and is ripping at her shirt now. They are really goin’ at it, eh?

DMF: Yeah, who’s the bad girl? Who’s the bad girl now?

GL: Were you aboot to say something?

DMF: No, I was just…hey Kay Fabe just lost her shirt.

GL: Goodness gracious, great balls of fire they are both in their bras, and the fans are lovin’ this match.

DMF: I think I’m in love.

GL: You said that already. Candy is slapping Kay Fabe, Irish Whip. Candy with a huge clothesline.

DMF: Whattamaneuva.

GL: Are you done now?

DMF: Contractually yes, the rest are on me. Speakin’ of "on me" I wish this match was taking place on my fa…

GL: And Kay Fabe is back up. She hits a right, another right, and pounds Candy into the ropes. And Irish whip, I think she setting her up for the Kay Bottom, eh?

DMF: If she was only straight, the things that I could do with her bot…

GL: Kay’s Bottom!!! Kay Fabe bounces off the ropes, hops over Candy and bounces off the other side of the ring. And here she comes. She gets down on the mat and it’s the sexiest move in sports entertainment today. The Lesbian's Tongue!

DMF: OH MY GOD!!!!!

***DONG, DONG, eerie organ music begins to play as the lights go out again. Here comes the Undietaker.***

GL: Oh no here comes the Undietaker.

DMF: Oh yes, here comes the Undietaker.

GL: He rips off their pants and takes their panties. Those poor women are lying there with no panties on. Can we show this on television?

DMF: Who cares?

GL: Poor Candy is still stuck in The Lesbian’s Tongue, eh? What the hell?

DMF: Dude, don’t look at me while I’m masturbating, it will make me gay.

GL: Good Lord we have gone straight down the commode, but here comes J.C. Long to save the day. He gets in the ring and chases the Undietaker away. He sees the ladies, and oh good God let’s go to Chase Katt backstage.

***Camera cuts to the backstage interview area. Where Chase Katt is standing by with Da Man.***

CK: Da Man, we understand that you have a very important announcement to make.

DM: That’s correct Chase. I have talked to various investors in the company and I have found that the move by BigBOSS to give away several belts was somewhat ridiculous, and in the same vane outrageous. Thus, as the wrestlers came in this evening, we asked them to leave their belts in this box. It wasn’t because they will need a designated title holder to take them home. It is, however, because we have decided to take those belts and put them in this big kiln. After all is said and done, we will have one big belt and an undisputed champion. So, we will have a little battle royal this evening to determine who is worthy of this distinction. The final eight participants will then come back next week and battle it out for this coveted prize. If you have a red piece of paper hanging from your locker, please come to the ring, and let the games begin.


***Shots of a little creek in a small town. We see a young man walking toward a young girl with his head slightly tilted to one side.***

Voiceover: This fall a new show about the choices of adolescents with charm, wit, and heart-warming drama.

Zoey: Austin what’s wrong with your neck?

Austin: I just have a sharp pain in it every so often. It will go away.

Zoey: I love you Austin.

Voiceover: Austin’s Crick. Wednesday nights this fall.


***Camera cuts to the ring where there stands about 30 of BOB’s superstars, sub-superstars, and down-right jobbers.***

MA: And the final competitor. BILL.

***BILL struts down to the ring. And trips and falls into the ring pushing Dustbuster Boy in Luke Warm. There’s the bell.***

GL: There’s the bell eh?

DMF: Dude, this is gonna be awesome. I heard from my sources that the eight survivors will be in a gauntlet match next week for the new undisputed title.

GL: Who’s your source?

DMF: Da Man.

GL: Thought so.

DMF: Ooooo, you may have fooled me this time Gordon Latrelle, but don’t forget who signs your checks.

GL: Da Man?

DMF: Yeah.

GL: Back to the match. Luke Warm just gave Dustbuster Boy a STONECUTTER, and he flies out of the ring. I guess you need to knock your opponents out of the ring eh?

DMF: Dude, do I look like Da Man or somethin’?

GL: Well he is your source.

DMF: Dude, all I know is that there’s a gauntlet match next week and the name of the new undisputed title.

GL: What’s the name eh?

DMF: Oh no you don’t Gordon Latrelle. Your little mind games won’t work on me.

GL: While we were talking aboot nothin’ at all. The following people have been eliminated: Kamikaze Ken, Kurt Angel, Little Good, "Loony" Lenny, The Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon, Mr. X, and Mully of The Agency.

DMF: Dude, it’s almost like someone copy and pasted part of the roster.

GL: What do your sources tell you eh?

DMF: Dude, that’s my guess, Da Man’s a lazy mofo.

GL: Twenty-two men still in the ring for this exciting match up. Pain and Pleasure double-teaming Sculder of The Agency. And it looks like someone is down in the ring, eh?

DMF: Dude, that’s BILL. I think he forgot how to job in a battle royal. That’s ring-rust for ya.

GL: Luke Warm working on TransContinental Jim and here comes Back Road Billy to help out. Luke Warm with a back-body drop on Billy and a STONECUTTER to Jim. The New Age Inlaws have been eliminated by Luke Warm. Luke looks like a man possessed, eh?

DMF: Dude, maybe we should get the Pope down here just in case.

GL: Dude Whose A Dead Ringer For Clinton just threw himself and StreetMime II out of the ring. A jobber can do that, eh?

DMF: That dude ain’t gonna make squat tonight for that stunt.

GL: Sculder gone and Pain and Pleasure using their tag-team skills to take out the competition, eh?

DMF: Dude, that way they don’t have to eliminate each other, until the dreaded gauntlet match.

GL: RVD just eliminated ThatGuy.

DMF: Which one?

GL: No the wrestler ThatGuy. Oh my Lord, Zilla just used his talking skateboard to knock out Mr. Intensity and douja. Is that legal?

DMF: Dude, there’s not rules here. It’s all good.

GL: Six men to still be eliminated before we’re at the Elite Eight, eh?

DMF: Dude, you are totally gonna get an ass-reaming for that one. You can’t use copyrighted phrase. Deduction of pay dude.

GL: Anyway, Captain Obvious swings at Birdboy. Birdboy sold the move before he was suppose to and the force of the swing sends Captain Obvious out of the ring.

CO: I have been eliminated and cannot win the undisputed belt. I will go back to my locker room and take a shower. My fans are disappointed.

DMF: Dude, just go in the back already.

GL: Tell me aboot it. Luke Warm looks at "Stone Hot" Steve Dawson. I think another STONECUTTER is coming eh?

DMF: Dude he asked for it.

GL: Dawson is eliminated. While RVD eliminates Hooker T. Pain and Pleasure knock out Bivalve and Blackjack Hooligan.

DMF: Dude, this is wicked exciting.

GL: Hey, stop using my Canadian phrases or I’ll run oot.

DMF: Dude, StreetMime II somehow snuck back in the ring.

GL: That’s not StreetMime II, that’s StreetMime 2004. He’s a jobber ahead of his time eh?

DMF: Whatever dude, he just laid down for BVD.

GL: Poor sap, BVD just got tossed by RVD. This battle of the gimmicks goes to RVD.

***"It’s all about the Benjamins (Rock Remix)" by P. Diddy blares over the sound system as Da Man struts onto the stage.***

DM: Congratulations to our eight finalists. Come back next week and we’ll see you is deserving of this unprecedented accomplishment.

***Camera cuts back to the commentator’s table.***

GL: So the final eight are RVD, StreetMime 2004, Luke Warm, Bird Boy, Zilla, Sir Hungalot, and Jean Bannister.

DMF: So many good competitors, I have no idea who will win.

GL: I like Luke Warm eh?

DMF: You would pick him wouldn’t you?

***Camera cuts backstage to the Totally Face locker room.***

Jim: Hey VP, have you seen Josh?

VP: Not since he left to go sign autographs for his fans.

Brandon: We have a huge match coming up and he’s signing autograph?

Jim: Some people handle pressure differently Brandon. In fact some people handle the pressure by using steroids.

VP: You’re kidding.

Jim: It’s true. While most of us work hard to stay in shape, there are some sports entertainers who take short-cuts and use steroids to bulk up.

Brandon: That’s sad Jim, and all too common. I’m glad that I don’t use steroids.

VP: Me too.

Jim: And I bet our fans are proud of us too.


***Various shots of BOB’s superstars are shown as Meredith Manson’s "Adequate People" plays throughout. Camera cuts to Coma standing in front of a black background.***

Coma: Snurfle. Dick Van Dyke wears a toupee made from clogged drain hair. Zoink.

***Camera cuts to a graphic for "She Looked Cuter Last Night" Sunday Morning.***

Voiceover: She Looked Cuter Last Night Sunday Morning. Check your local listings for times in your area.


***Camera is backstage where we see Josh laid out on the floor with Totally Face around him. EMTs are on the seen as well. Trey Vincent walks up.***

TV: Well, what in the world could have happened here? Oh well, it looks like the Krew will only have two. Oh and boys, shine up those tag titles because they’re gonna be comin’ home with iAd.

***Camera cuts to the commentator’s table where a stunned Da Man’s Friend and Gordon Latrelle are sitting.***

GL: This is an incredible shift in events eh?

DMF: Darn that iAd for screwin’ up Da Man’s huge main event.

GL: I’m sure Da Man is fine.

***Camera cuts to Da Man’s office.***

DM: I can’t believe those guys did this. I need a tissue.

***Britney Spears enters the office.***

BS: Sorry I’m late honey. Were you crying because I wasn’t here yet?

DM: Yes, Britney, I miss you so much.

BS: Well, let me help you forget that I was ever gone.

DM: Get that camera out of here.

***Camera cuts back to the commentator’s table.***

DMF: Dude, Da Man is gonna score.

GL: Da Man and Britney Spears eh? I just work here.

***"N.W.O" begins to blare over the sound system as iAd comes to the ring with a chorus of boos aimed right at them. They strut around like they own BOB or something. Oh wait they own part of it don’t they?***

MA: This six-man tag team match is scheduled for one fall as is for the "Four Play" tag team titles. Introducing first, Trey Vincent, Seth Harker and Steve Studnuts. iAd.

***Trey Vincent grabs the mic.***

TV: Bring on those sorry boy band wannabes, and let me show them what a real champion looks like.

***"Stayin’ Alive" by N-Trance hits the sound system as Jim and Brandon make there way out to the stage. Every pre-teen girl from here to Timbuktu is screaming at the top of their lungs. iAd is taken aback by the audience response. Jim has a mic.***

Jim: We may be a man down, but we can still fight. So that’s what we’re gonna do, fight. And when we’re done fightin’, we’re gonna fight some more.

***Jim and Brandon run down to the ring only to be met by iAd.***

GL: You can take the dog out of the fight, but you can’t take the fight out of the dog, eh?

DMF: Dude, though your metaphors confuse me, I think iAd is gonna bring home the straps tonight.

GL: I still have faith in these boys.

Voiceover: It’s looks like Thursday’s comin’ early this week.

***"Without Me" by Eminem hits on the speakers as "Mr. Thursday Night" J.C. Long runs down the ramp to join the Kent State Krew to a monstrous pop.***

GL: J.C. Long has entered this contest. And the fans are going nuts eh?

DMF: This will either be the best career move that J.C. Long has ever made, or the worst career move that he’s ever made.

GL: I think that is the best comment you’ve made all night.

DMF: Dude, once I get like eight or nine Mark’s in me, I’m good for a profound statement or two.

GL: Well anyway, the ref has separated out all the madness and we have Jim and Seth in there right now. Harker goes with chops, then a flying forearm. Jim’s getting a little woozy in there.

DMF: I’m tellin’ you, J.C. Long is gonna be the difference-maker.

GL: Jim blocks a bulldog and takes Harker down. Mounted punches by Jim, then a sidewalk slam 1-2-kickout. That was a close one, and Trey Vincent doesn’t look happy. In fact, he walking to the other side of the ring.

DMF: Dude, this is the old heel trick, and the ref bought it hook, line, and sinker.

GL: Harker drags Jim into the corner where he and Steve Studnuts are whaling away at Jim. Brandon steps in to try and stop it, but the ref pushes him back toward his corner as Trey gets a couple of cheap shots in himself.

DMF: Dude’s got the dirtiest underwear in the game.

GL Do you mean he’s the dirtiest player in the game, eh?

DMF: Are you telling me if he didn’t have the dirtiest underwear, that he wouldn’t be the dirtiest player?

GL: Point taken. Harker tags in Vincent. Chops by Vincent and a spinning heel kick. Jim comes back with a knee to the gut, but Vincent takes him down and elbows him downstairs.

DMF: Dude is so dirty. I think Jim has his family jewels insured or something.

GL: TMI, eh?

DMF: Dude, don’t tell me about your masculine problems.

GL: Never mind, Vincent chokes Jim on the ropes, and hits a gutbuster one…two…shoulder up. Tag to Studnuts. Jim hits a head-scissors and both men go down. Jim reaches out to tag Brandon, but Harker runs in, keeping the ref from seeing the tag to Brandon. Jim’s running out of fuel eh?

DMF: Dude, needs a tag.

GL: Studnuts with an Irish whip on Jim, blind tag by Brandon. Jim with a baseball slide under Studnuts, and Brandon with a pump-handle slam on Studnuts. Big move by the Kent State boys.

DMF: Vincent looks pissed.

GL: I’ll say he’s aboot to blow a gasket. Brandon with chops to Studnuts. Brandon Irish whips him into the corner and tags J.C. Long. They double team him as Vincent tries to step in and stop it.

DMF: Dude, the ref is totally trying to hold him back.

GL: He’s failing miserably, eh? And J.C. Long has Studnuts reeling from the double team. J.C. with a right, and a left, and a right, and a left, and…now he’s doin’ a little dance and doin’ that thumb thing he use to do.

DMF: Dude, he’s like the fourth person to do that tonight. I still don’t get it.

GL: It’s not meant to be gotten eh? J.C. Long with an Irish Whip, and a big Sidewalk Slam on Studnuts. And what is he doing now?

DMF: He’s about to deliver the Long Over Due.

GL: He bounces off of one rope and then…he dragged down by Vincent. Vincent pulls J.C. Long out of the ring and stomps him a few times before the ref breaks it up.

DMF: And then he’s rolling J.C. back in the ring. How nice of him.

GL: Studnuts tags Vincent back in. Long trying desperately to get the tag. Vincent pulls him away from his corner and run at Jim and Brandon punching them off the apron.

DMF: Dude, this could suck.

GL: Vincent looks like he’s going for the Sharpshooter.

DMF: Dude, he’s not a technical wrestler. How does he know that move?

GL: And he got it locked in. J.C. Long is writhing in pain. He looks like he gonna tap eh?

DMF: Dude, Studnuts and Harker are takin’ care of Jim and Brandon on the outside. This blows.

GL: iAd is just moments away from becoming "Four Play" tag team champions.

Voiceover: Jimmy I want a cookie.

***Sounds of cookie jars breaking fills the arena and the crowd goes wild as Hardcore JJ struts down to the ring pointing at Vincent and trash-talking.***

GL: Vincent releases the hold on Long as Hardcore JJ enters the ring. This is the moment that sports entertainment has been waiting months for eh?

DMF: Dude, they are gonna go at it.

GL: JJ goes over to J.C. Long and helps him up.

DMF: JJ’s a cool kid.

GL: Oh my God he just nailed J.C. Long with the JJ Drop, and rolls out of the ring. What’s this all aboot?

DMF: Dude, the ref just called for the bell. iAd lost by disqualification.

GL: Hardcore JJ just saved the tag belts for the Kent State Krew and screwed iAd and Vincent at the same time, eh?

DMF: Dude, the kid is a genius. Big ups to my homie JJ.

GL: And he struts back up the ramp to the stage and salutes the crowd with a couple of Pepsis. Trey Vincent is stomping aboot the ring. This has been one amazing night, eh?

DMF: Dude, Da Man really knows how to put on a show, and he’s nailing Britney Spears on top of that.

GL: He’s is truly an inspiration to us all. For Da Man’s Friend, I’m Gordon Latrelle saying be careful this weekend because sometimes, "she looked cuter last night."


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