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Sunday Morning Chloroform Logo

Headache or unconsciousness guaranteed!

[BOB's Tour of Indifference forges ahead, this time to the Arena in Scaggsville, Maryland. The camera heads inside to reveal a damn near close to almost capacity crowd, the majority without signs. A bunch of car alarms go off outside, making many in the crowd go running for the exits.

The camera then cuts to the entryway as "When I'm 64" by the Beatles begins to play.

Styles: OH MY GOD!

Mark Shill: THE POPE, is HEEEERE.

Nurse Heidi: What a way to kick off Sunday Morning Chloroform. Who needs the religion channel, right? Just tune into BOB every Sunday morning.

Styles: I wouldn't go THAT far. But why is the pontiff here? He's not on my format? Well fans, he's getting in the ring. He walks over to the poker table that's in the ring and picks up a microphone. Let's see what he has to say.

[The fans stand and cheer wildly for the 82-year-old.]

PJP2: Pope John Paul II thought he'd come out here and lead you all in prayer for the first ever Chloroform. Let us bow our heads.

[The crowd becomes silent. Except for one idiot who yells out "Hey Pope, there's a dookie running down your leg!" Then, a bright holy spotlight comes from the Heavens, shines on that fan's chair, picks it up and whacks him over the head with it.]

PJP2: Our Promoter, Who art in a Sharpshooter, BigBoss be thy name. Thy stadium come, the show's begun, live as it is on television. Give us this day our daily champ and forgive us our "YOU SUCK" chants. As we forgive those who use chairs against us and deliver us not into a heel turn. Amen.

Crowd: AMEN!

PJP2: I bless thee shall be watched before church every Sunday!

[He starts spraying Holy Water on the cameras, the ring and then whips out a Super Soaker and sprays the commentators and fans.]

Styles: Hey! You soaked my glasses!


NH: It's just water. OH, MY HAIR!

PJP2: And Pope John Paul II has an open challenge for anybody who thinks they can beat the buffest 82-year-old in the biz...apart from Hogan. But he main events so why can't Pope John Paul II? Huh? So Pope John Paul II says you'd better pray Pope John Paul II doesn't chose ya, or else you're in for a Heavenly ass beating! If ya smell what...the Pope's....diaper's been cooking!

Styles: The Pope in his usual Transylvania-like speaking mode tonight.

[The camera then pans to the announce desk for the crew as the Pope shuffles out of the ring and up the ramp.]

Styles: Hello everyone. And welcome to BRAWLERRRRRRRRRRRRRRS ON A BUDGET! We are here this morning in Scaggsville, Maryland! On the debut, of, SUNDAY, MORNING, CHLOROFORRRRRRRRM.

[He pauses, as if waiting for a crowd pop. But since he's not in the ring and not on mic, nobody can hear him other than the viewers.]

NH: Well, this is it. The show that been hyped up for weeks. And it looks like it should be, an OK show.


Styles: Don't believe the hype. Fans, tonight.

NH: This morning.

Styles: Oh, right. Fans, this MORNING we will see eight huge matches. In our main event, it will be Kurt Angel challenging Trey Vincent for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

MS: In the biggest match in the HISTORY of civilization!

Styles: We're also going to see a triple threat pillow fight between The Stoned Hookers, The Agency and the New Age Inlaws, a video game I quit match between RVD and "Loony" Lenny, Death taking on the entire faction of Totally Face in a gauntlet match, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" taking on Little Good in a breaking up is hard to do match, Scotty Whatbody taking on Kay Fabe in a special challenge match..

NH: That will be a sight to see.

Styles: Seth Harker will defend his AYOOYFM Hardcore Title against Mr. X. and we'll also see the Undietaker and Khan vs. The Undietaker and BVD.

[We cut to the ring, where a poker table has been set up. The BigBOSS is now in the ring, wearing a tuxedo, shuffling a deck of cards and consulting a small piece of paper.]

BigBOSS: Hello Scaggsville!

[Some polite applause.]

BigB: Well, tonight, we've got a special treat. While certain other feds are trying to get rid of titles, we hear in BOB feel that there just aren't enough titles to go around. Well, that, and I recently went to a fedzapolooza yard sale and found these!

[He pauses, as if realizing he forgot to hold up the box with the line, then looks under the table and pulls out a big cardboard box with title belts stacked up to the top. He then lifts them up. The crowd is silent.]

BigB: Title, BELTS!

[No reaction.]

Styles: OH MY GOD!

BigB: *Ahem* Thanks anyway Styles. Tough crowd. OK. I have assigned 52 BOB wrestlers a playing card just before the show. I'd like to invite them all to come down here now so we can move this segment along. It's dying.

[The following people come out to varying degrees of reaction from the fans…from complete silence to clapping to hooting to wild screaming to vomiting: Backroad Billy; Bivalve; Bohemoth; Brandon; BVD; Candy Cantaloupes; Coma; Da Sassy Bitch; Death; Dyslexic Avenger; Hardcore JJ; Hooker T; Insano Mano; Jean Bannister; Jim; Josh; Kamikazie Ken; Kay Fabe; Kurt Angel; Little Good; "Loony" Lenny; The Man Who Looks A Bit Like Nixon; Mr. X; Mully; Dustbuster Boy; RVD; Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"; Sculder; Sir Hungalot; Sleazy-C; Stone Hot Steve Dawson; Super Mollusc; TransContinental Jim; Undietaker; Khan; Randy; Undietaker; Urine; Violent Pacifist; Xamfir; XXXtreme Machine; Bill; Mr. Intensity; Snapmare Kid; StreetMime II; Stinkbutt Nastyass; The Commentator; and Scotty Whatbody? Yes, Scotty Whatbody!]

NH: Umm. That's not quite 52.

Styles: Scotty wanted me to mention that Candy Cantaloupes has HUGE boobs. Really BIG BOOBS! Perhaps the biggest boobs in the WORLD.

NH: Why did he want you to say that?

Styles: It's all about hits. She's our most 'over' roster member, based on our Web site research.

NH: You sure it doesn't have something to do with the fact that there is a porno actress with that name?

SW: Who are we to argue such small details.

Styles: Scotty!

SW: Hey everyone. I figured I'd join you here briefly while this segment goes on. Then I'll go get ready for my greatest match ever! Kay Fabe! Woohoo! I'm gonna be in heaven tonight. I will taste defeat at the hands of The Lesbian's Tongue. Man you're looking good enough to lick tonight Heidi.

NH: Thus my night is complete. *Sigh*.

BigB: *Ahem* OK. The cards have been shuffled. Everyone out here has received a playing card. And now, from this deck I hold in my hands, I will draw out new champions!

SW: Oh, is that why I got this card?

NH: We're in the drawing?

Styles: We're not wrestlers!

MS: This is the blackest day in wrestling!

BigB: Yeah, we were a little short of active BOB members. Anyway….The first ever winner of the BOB Not Quite Good Enough To Be World Champion Champion is….King of Hearts!

Little Good: Bloody hell! That's me! (BigBoss tosses him the belt.) Thanks mate!

BigB: Next. The first BOB Big Chrome Champion is…Queen of Clubs!

Khan Handi: Mrgh! (BB tosses him the belt.) Mrgh!

BigB: Our first ever Global Champion….is….8 of Spades!

Dustbuster Boy: VROOM VROOM! (He gets the belt from BB).

SW: Man, talk about pushing somebody down everyone's throats.

Styles: Isn't that your cousin?

SW: Er, I mean, YAY.

BigB: (Picking up a title belt) And the new Heavyweight…(the belt rips in half as duct tape and old glue gives out). Hmm. The new, BOB Half-Heavyweight Champion is…King of Hearts.

Little Good: Well I'll be jiggered. it's about bloody time I got recognized. (He takes his slim and somewhat sticky belt). Keep 'em coming.

BigB: And the Other Half-Heavyweight Champion is…Queen of Diamonds.

Brandon: I won! I won! I won! (BB hands him the titles.) I got more gold than you guys (he says mockingly at the other Totally Face members).

BigB: And now, the title EVERYONE has been waiting for. Coughcoughcoughcough. Ahem. Excuse me. Don't know why that happened. Anyway. The winner is…Queen of

Brandon: Yes!!

BigB: Hearts.

Brandon: D'oh!

[Kamikazie Ken climbs up onto the apron, quickly runs up the turnbuckle and does a Kenton Bomb into the poker table, sending title belts and playing cards in every direction.]

BigB: Damn it. You better have the card.

[Ken holds it up from the wreckage.]

BigB: Here (he drops the title on Ken, who rolls over and crawls back to the floor).

S: Now that's enthusiasm.

SW: Or stupidity. Come on! I want a title.

BigB: OK (he says, looking at the scattered titles). The new Alliance Hero Champion….9 of Clubs!



[Shill grabs his title.]

NH: Don't worry Scotty. There are still plenty of titles to go around. Besides, if you win a title, it'll be a really short reign. Kay's gonna kick your ass tonight. And she's gonna dedicate the match to me. She told me so.

SW: Was that before, or after, she patted you on the ass?

NH: Hmm. She actually did it before and after. But what's that have to do with anything?

BigB: The first ever holder of the 10 Peso Version Championship is…Ace of Hearts.


Styles: The Japanese Hacksaw seems really excited about this.

BVD: J-A-P-A-N. J-A-P-A-N.

[The crowd boos.]

BVD: I don't get it. This spelling shtick killed in Tokyo. HOOOOOO!

BigB: The new, BOB Pipsa© Special Champion is…Ace of Hearts.


BigB: Congratulations.


Styles: Not bad for a guy who's put out 1/3 of a promo in the Rant Zone.

NH: Must have friends in high places.

SW: Come on Queen of Spades…Scotty needs a title belt.

MS: What a HISTORICAL edition of Chloroform!

BigB: Damn, this segment is going long. Oh well. Guess we'll have to edit the crap out of some matches later.

[Everyone with a match this morning groans and grumbles.]

BigB: This is BOB. What do you want from me? Anyway. The new Astute Warrior Champion…3 of Hearts.

NH: I won?

SW: What the?

NH: Yes. In your face Scotty!

SW: Feel free to put them there.

MS: Put what in your face?

SW: You are a sad man. Coughschiavonecough.

NH: This one is for all the ladies here tonight!

Kay Fabe: Anytime you feel like going one on one, with the greatest one, call me.

NH: OK (she says smiling a little nervously).

[Kay winks at her.]

SW: OH MAN. I so wish I could book one match. Imagine it. Nurse Heidi vs. Kay Fabe vs. Candy Cantaloupes. It'd be like wrestling porn!

Styles: A Triple Threat Total Titillation Match?

SW: Imagine the ratings! Imagine the TITillation!

BigB: And now, our first ever Biakkabatuka Championship. 8 of clubs.

Mully: The mysteries of the universe never cease.

SW: No kidding. Neither member of the Agency has won a match in their life.

BigB: There ya go Mully.

Mully: Is it even conceivable that I'll be able to hold onto this title belt for longer than one match?

BigB: …

Mully: …

BigB: …

Mully: …

BigB: …

[Mully leaves the ring.]

MS: A confrontation of EPIC proportions!

BigB: Up next. The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That Champion. And the winner is. 10 of Spades!

Super Mollusc: I don't believe it. I won a title? Wow. Three years of BOB. And I win a title through a card draw.

BigB: Life's a bitch, ain't it?

[He hands SM the belt. SM collapses to his knees and begins crying!]

BigB: Oh no. Come on, come on.

Super Mollusc: I'm *sniffle* sorry, *weep*, just *waah*, so, *snort* HAPPY! (He gets out of the ring.

BigB: Umkay. Next up. The Loserweight Championship. Ace of Spades.

Lemmy from Motorhead: It's about bloody time!

The Commentator: Sorry Mr. Kilmister. I'm afraid I have…(singing/growling) the Ace of Spades. The Ace of Spades! OH MY. Lemmy's got a guitar. And he CRACKS it over my SKULL! OH MY. I've been BUSTED OPEN by that brutal guitar shot! I'm in a daze. Everything's blurry! Oh the carnage.

Styles: Oh my GOD! I can't believe the Commentator has won a title.

NH: And yet Scotty hasn't.

SW: I hate irony. If that's what this is.

BigB: And now. The Push Impaired Title. The winner… 2 of Diamonds.


Styles: OH MY GOD! Stinkbutt Nastyass! *Coughcough*

SW: (Muffled) Damn it.

[BigBOSS chucks the title at Nastyass so he doesn't come any closer.]

BigB: Sadly, that didn't help.

NH: Pew!

BigB: Get me some nose plugs Flunky.

[Cut to a picture of Flunky passed out at ringside.]

BigB: (Pinching his nose, causing him to get a funny sounding voice, which, sadly, cannot be translated to the written word.) The Central Canadian Moose Hunt Championship. And the winner is…7 of Hearts!

StreetMime II: …!

Styles: I understand StreetMime has something he wants to say to the crowd.

[BigBOSS hands SMII the mic.]

SM: …(Hands the mic back to BigBOSS).

MS: Stirring words there from StreetMime!

BigB: (Looking at his watch.) And the new Chimichanga Championship…Jack of spades.

[Kay Fabe slides into the ring, grabs the title, snatches the mic, and goes onto the second rope.]

Crowd: Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe!

KF: …

KF: ….

KF: …

[This is a dramatic pause, not a StreetMime impersonation, by the way.]

KF: Finally, Kay Fabe, has…..(deeply) come!


KF: And Kay Fabe is going to continue to lay the carpet down on all your little jabronie asses!

[Kay sticks out her tongue and licks her lips to a GIGANTIC pop.]

SW: It's the Lesbian's Tongue! Oh GOD, I hope I taste it later.

KF: And Scotty Whatbody. Tonight, you want to go, one, on one, with the lesbian? (Crowd cheers.) Well, when you step into the lesbian's ring tonight, Kay Fabe is gonna just LICK IT! If ya smellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalallalalalalalllllllllllllllllll (deepinhale) llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll(About 1 minute later)llllow. What the lesbian…………………………….is…………………………c…….o……..o……..k……i……..n……..g.

[Kay drops the mic to another big pop and heads to the floor again.]


Crowd: What?

BigB: (Laughing. He picks up the mic.) Silly me. Anyway. Well, fittingly, let's introduce, the D'oh! Championship. 8 of Diamonds.


BigB: Hey!

Undietaker: YEEEESSSS!

Styles: Wow. The Undietaker got BigBOSSes undies, and the D'oh Championship.

[Undietaker stops and goes back to BigB.]

U: Ummm. Care to explain this?

SW: Crotchless undies? Aren't those yours Heidi?

NH: What? NO!

BigB: Gee, uh, how did THOSE get in there. *Laughs nervously* Heehee. If you don't get out of here, I'll strip you of your title like you stripped me of my undies!

[Undietaker goes. Khan and Randy congratulate him.]

Undietaker: UNDIETAKE! Undies are mine, YEEEEES!

Khan: MRGH!

SW: Oh, come on. Queen of Spades. Are the odds that bad for me?

BigB: Up next? The Eastern Slavic Mongolian Goulash Championship.

SW: Please, please, please…

BigB: 3 of Spades!

Styles: OH MY GOD! I WON!


MS: This is the BLACKEST day in Scotty Whatbody's professional life.

SW: Well, the last 3 years of my life ain't been much to brag about, Shill.

[Styles gets the belt and returns to his seat.]

BigB: Up next. The Foot Foot Championship. And your winner is. 8 of Spades!

Dustbuster Boy: VROOM VROOM! I'm sucking up the titles tonight!

SW: You're sucking up something, cousin.

NH: Jealous much?

SW: No. I want a title though. I want the Queen of Spades!

BigB: Our next title is the Hirohito, Where Am I? This is Not Tokyo! Championship.


BigB: Yes. OK. And the winner is…3 of Hearts.

NH: What's this. A SECOND title? (She heads to the ring to get it.)

MS: Nurse Heidi is an unstoppable force! She's da woman!

SW: Let me borrow that.

MS: Hey.

SW: (Looking over list of Shill's over-hyped material) Without a shadow of a doubt…BOB is falling apart at the seams!

Styles: Why?

SW: Nurse Heidi has two titles!

Styles: Well, there is one upside.

SW: What's that?

Styles: She'll have to wrestle. No doubt in plenty of degrading matches.

SW: She better. And for all you people I just crossed my arms to emphasize that point. Hey, now you've got as many titles as you have…


SW: Eyes. I was gonna say eyes. Yikes.

BigB: And how about we keep this fun going with…the Incongruent Championship. Won by the 8 of Clubs!

Mully: Do you believe in forces beyond those which we can conceive?

BigB: After you winning two titles? Yes.

Mully: OK then. (She takes the title and leaves the ring.)

BigB: Now, the Inordinate Championship.

Styles: In this inordinate segment. How fitting.

BigB: Ace of Diamonds.

[Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" gets into the ring and grabs the title. She then leaves without saying a word, or even making eye contact with BB.]

SW: Do I smell an angle?

Styles: How can you smell ANYTHING after what Stinkbutt Nastyass did. It singed my NOSE HAIRS.

BigB: Up next. The Latin America Montezuma’s Revenge Championship. And the winner is…Queen of Diamonds.

Brandon: I won! Again! (He runs into the ring and grabs the title.) Damn, do I have to carry these all around now?

BigB: Uh, yes.

Brandon: Hmmm. OK. I guess. (He exits.)

BigB: And our new Middle Eastern Camel Toe Championship goes to….Queen of Clubs.

Khan: Mrgh! (BB tosses him the title.)

Styles: Could I get you a tissue Scotty?

NH: Looking a little teary-eyed there.

SW: Shut up!

Styles: Uh-oh. Look out! He's hurling some nasty comebacks at us.

BigB: Our new Non Gender Specific Very Non Threatening Plaid Championship…and your winner is 7 of Hearts.

StreetMime II: …!

[StreetMime runs into the ring and grabs at his heart, smiling widely at the BOSS and wipes away Mime tears before taking the belt and leaving the ring.]

SW: Why is it so much to ask for the Queen of Spades?

BigB: And the new North American Frozen Tundra Championship goes to….3 of Spades.


[Styles heads to the ring as a loud banging is heard, presumably from Scotty banging his head on the table.]

NH: Scotty, you're gonna leave dents in the table.

MS: If I might make an observation. It seems to me that every time you pull for your card, one of us wins.

SW: This is so sad. All I want is a title. Everyone else has one now!

BigB: The Pin Pull Championship goes to….8 of Hearts!

Hooker T: I'm the ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME (he gets in the ring) ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME, ONE-TIME (he grabs the belt from BB) ONE-TIME (he looks at what the title says, since he wasn't paying attention) ONE-TIME, Pin Pull Champion. BLOWWWAAAAAAA!

[He drops to a knee.]

BigB: Umm, Hooker?

Hooker T: YO!

BigB: This segment is running long, go do the Hookeroonie on the floor, OK?

Hooker T: I can shovel that blowa.

BigB: Oh look, we have a tag title next. OK. This is the Pork & Beans 'Round the World in Eighty Days Tag Team Championship.

[On the floor, Hooker T drops to a knee and performs the most shocking move in low budget wrestling today…to a minor pop from some front row fans.]

BigB: 2 of Diamonds and 9 of Hearts.


SW: Not again!

Styles: OH MY GOD! It's Stinkbutt Nastyass and, who? OH, MY, GOD!

[Nastyass slides into the ring. And then…Urine! BB passes out.]

Styles: Urine and Nastyass are staring each other down. The two most disgusting creations ever.

SW: Are you forgetting Necro Phil?

NH: And Beastie Al?

SW: And lord knows who else we've forgotten. And that God for small miracles like that.

Urine: You smell, uncle.

SN: So do you.

Urine: What ya gonna do, uncle, when Uri-Mania and the Uri-Nation, pees all over YOUUUUUU??!!!


NH: And there's your answer.

BigB: Get out of here! (he says putting a hand over his nose). Yowza. (After picking up a title) What the hell is this? How did this title get in here? (Tosses it over his shoulder. The camera goes around and sees the letters WCW on it.)

SW: Geez, we may be a parody federation, but we're not THAT pathetic.

BigB: Ah, here we go. The Qué Lastima Championship…goes to…the holder of…

SW: Please say Queen of Spades!

BigB: 3 of Spades.

Styles: I have won more titles in one night then most of this roster has in their entire BOB career!

NH: Hey Scotty, I could use another title. Root for yourself again.

SW: What'll you give me if I do?

[Styles collects the title.]

Styles: Man, I'm running out of room for these belts. Hey Scotty, maybe you could carry one of my titles?

SW: Don't test me little man.

BigB: Let's award the Rockford Files Championship next. And the winner is….Jack of Clubs.

The Man Who Looks a bit like Nixon: I am not a jobber! I am a champion!

SW: Queen of Spades. Hey BOSS, I swear I'll send you some cash for the Queen of SPADES!

BigB: How much?

SW: My whole pay check!

BigB: Bwahahaha. You must be on drugs man! You're funny. OK. Up next is the Three Cubed Light Chicken Gravy Championship…and the champion is…3 of Hearts.

SW: Damn it all to hell!

NH: Excuse me once again, Scotty, gotta go get my title.

Styles: She's almost as extreme as myself! We each have three titles. Even Mark Shill has won some gold tonight!

BigB: Hmm. Well…maybe we should take a short break here. We'll be right back with the more titles. Here on Sunday Morning Chloroform!

Buy our Pay-Per-View. Send Us Money: A Chance Would Be a Fine Thing! SUM: ACWBAFT is brought to you by…


BigB: And we're back.

Crowd: …

BigB: Hey Heidi, how did your top fall off?

[The crowd wakes up.]

BigB: OK. Up next…the Tough Chick (Guy) Championship. The winner is…King of Diamonds.

Bohemoth: Yes. I'm a champion again! (He heads for the ringsteps and steps on the first step.)


Bo: Whoops.

[Second step.]


Bo: My bad. Heehee.

BigB: Hey, that's coming out of your paycheck! (He tosses the belt at him.) Just stay on the floor, huh? Our ring isn't reinforced tonight.

Bo: OK.

BigB: What's left here? Hmm. OK. The Two Times the Square Root of Twenty Seven Quantity Squared Divided By Two Championship…goes to…9 of Diamonds!

Xamfir: (He slides into the ring and does the Snoopy dance.) I know the belt name is longer than my title reign will be, but today, I am a man. And not a butt monkey!

BigB: Up next. The United States Toaster Champion. Goes to…2 of Hearts.

Stone Hot Steve Dawson: WHO?

BigB: You.

SHSD: Who?

BigB: You!

SHSD: Who?

BigB: JJ?

Styles: Hardcore JJ with a JJ DROP on Stone Hot Steve Dawson.

JJ: You wanna come into BOB?

Crowd: What?

JJ: Steal my stolen gimmick?

Crowd: What?

JJ: Well that PISSES me off!

Crowd: What?

BigB: What?

JJ: What?

BigB: Nobody can hear you. You don't have a mic?

JJ: What?

BigB: Oh, forget it. (He tosses the belt onto Dawson's carcass.)

JJ: And that's the last line…

JJ/CROWD: Cuz my mommy said so!

BigB: OK. Up next, we have the Up Yo’ Ass Sucka Championship. Which goes to the holder of the 5 of Hearts.

Coma: Poink? (He slides into the ring and takes the belt.) The rutabagas are revolting. Punta bajo! Nurfle. Don't poink me off! (Falls over.)

BigB: Up next… the Western European Talc in the Shorts Adam Corolla Championship, which goes to. 5 of Spades.

Violent Pacifist: Looks like Brandon's gonna get some competition now.

[The belt is chucked at VP.]

VP: Owww. Hey. That wasn't nice.

BigB: Sorry. Trying to move things along. This is turning into a mini-series. Next up, is the Who’s Your Daddy Championship. 10 of Clubs.

Insano Mano: ¿Quién es su papá? ¿Quién es su papá?

BigB: That's right (he says handing him the belt. Up next is…The Calorifically Challenged Championship. And it goes to... Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

SW: Have I finally won?

BigB: 4 of Hearts.

[I won?]


[I'm baffled. Hold on, be right there.]

Styles: OH MY GOD! The Detached Narrator has won a title!

NH: And yet Scotty has not. HA!

Detached Narrator: Hello BigBOSS.

BigB: Whoa, where did you come from?

DN: Sorry, couldn't warn you I was coming. Thank you for this title.

BigB: You're welcome.

DN: Up your ass Masked Announcer!

MA: Screw you!

[Ah, this is sweet.]

MS: Where did he go? He LITERALLY, vanished before our eyes!

[I'm very sneaky Mark.]

Styles: All right, will you stop? You're gonna confuse the readers!

[Don't you mean viewers?]

Undietaker: Maybe you should have been given this title Styles (he says holding up the D'oh Championship)? UNDIETAKE!

Styles: OH MY GOD! You sneaky bastard! He distracted me!

Undietaker: You are as boodarted as my handis!

BigB: Next up we have the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close"…um…thing. The winner is…5 of Hearts.

Coma: Sheepdip! (He runs in and takes the title from BB. He hands him a foam barbed wire board in exchange.)

BigB: Uh, thanks, Coma. OK. Our next title is everyone's favorite. The Undefendable Championship. To be held by 2 of Spades.




Xamfir: Oh yeah, well, MEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHH.

RH: Grrrrrr. (He inhaldes deeply…) MEEEEEEEEE—

[We cut backstage, actually, so far backstage, it's outside. A short dinged up white limo arrives with some clunking. The limo drives toward the camera, which is at low feet tension-building-who-is-it? level. But the limo doesn't stop in time, crashes into the camera and we lose the feed.]


[Xamfir runs and hides behind Kay Fabe.]

BigB: We are down…to the last…two sets of belts. First of all. We have the Tag Conqueror Champions…6 of Spades and 5 of Hearts.

SW: Stop looking at me Heidi. I'm not helping you get a fourth title.

NH: Ohhh. I've never been a tag champion though. I'll give you one of my singles titles if you help me get a tag title?

SW: I will not take a pity belt. But I will take pity sweaty, grunting…animal

NH: Not gonna happen.


Coma: Coma, number one announcer. Tingle. The sheep, the sheep, the sheep are on fire (falls over). Neeple.

[Mr. Intensity grabs his belt and begins smashing it against his forehead. Coma grabs his belt from the mat and rolls out to the floor.]

BigB: And finally.

[Huge pop here.]

BigB: The Super Duper Keen Team Things…6 of Hearts and Ace of Spades.

Sleazy-C: Word 2 tha muthaphucka. Iz about phuckin time BOB recognize tha hardcore jobba of jobbaz. Sleazy-mutha-phuckin-ME.

The Commentator: Ah, but you will have an amazing tag team partner Mr. C. For while you are tougher than a $3 steak, The Commentator will bring us to heights never before seen! We will be the best tag team of all-time.

SC: U have seen me wrestle, right?

TC: You are the FUTURE of the industry.

SC: Hey man, that'z LOW.

BigB: And that is all the titles I have to give out at this time. (Looks at his watch). Hmm. Seems as though that segment went a little longer than I had anticipated. Well…I…

[The BigBOSS is cut off as music begins to play over the speakers. For those who know it, the song is "Injected With a Poison" by Praga Khan. For those who didn't, now you do.]

Styles: The IAD has arrived!

MS: This COULD get ugly!

[Seth Harker and Trey Vincent step out from backstage, carrying the BOB titles over their shoulders.]

MS: The titles they have taken HOSTAGE!

[Or won. Whatever.]

NH: I wish these guys would just go wherever the hell they came from and leave us alone.

SW: Still upset about the bikini thing?

NH: And when they butchered my hair! Look at it! I have one piece that is entirely too short.

SW: Well, don't worry, nobody's looking at your hair.

Styles: And surprise, surprise, Vincent has a microphone. Look at them, boldly going into the ring. Past the entire cowering BOB roster.

MS: For a confrontation of EPIC proportions.

TV: Needless to say, your ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, is a little pissed off. What the hell is the meaning of this? You're degrading the meaning of titles. Giving them away with playing cards?

BigB: Well, it seems to me, now that you guys have two titles, and the rest of the roster has more than 30. So, I'd say, BOB is kicking your butt!

TV: Did you hear that Seth?

SH: I did.

TV: He thinks BOB is kicking our butt.

SH: Do you want to tell him about that little problem in the logic, where, nobody here has beaten us?

TV: Nah, that'd be too cruel. You know what Boss. I'm sick of BOB and you making a joke out of the business that pays me lots of money. It's people like you having 'fun' that ruins it for the rest of us. Trey Vincent rules the ratings, Trey Vincent rules sports entertainment, and with your ruler here, you should all bow down before the icon.

[Kurt Angel slides into the ring.]

KA: Oh puleeeze. You are the ruler?

TV: Huh?

KA: You are the ratings?

TV: Huh?

KA: I am NOT going to bow down to Trey Vincent.

TV: Why not? If you had more talent than me…well…I'd backstab you, lie to the booker about you wanting to start a union, plant some evidence and you'd be history. But that's neither here nor there, since, you don't have HALF the talent Trey Vincent does. Hell, you don't even have half the talent of Seth Harker's spooky jacket.

KA: Well, all I have to say to that…is that Minneapolis SUCKS. And so does your baseball team. Not false, SO not false.

[The crowd, sort of, cheers, since he didn't diss the local crowd, but didn't praise them either.]

KA: Well, if you're so confident that you're better than me, why don't we have ourselves a special guest referee then?

TV: Huh? You want a special guest referee?

KA: Yes.

TV: You're sure?

KA: Yes.

TV: About what?

KA: That I want a special guest referee.

TV: When?

KA: For our match.

TV: When?

KA: Tonight, buster!

TV: Why?

KA: To call the match cloudy and rectangular.

TV: What? Sorry, you lost me there. Who?

KA: Hardcore JJ!

[Crowd pops.]

TV: So, let me get this straight. You want ME to allow YOU to have Hardcore JJ as the special guest referee? He can't even count to three!

JJ: That's a filthy lie, you summabitch!

Styles: OH MY GOD! JJ just hit the JJ Drop on Dyslexic Avenger!


SW: And JJ takes down Hooker T with a JJ DROP!


NH: Oh and there goes Insano Mano! JJ DROP! JJ DROP! JJ DROP!


TV: OK, fine, so you can count to three. But can you count to…forty, uh…eight?

JJ: What?

TV: 48. Can you count to 48!

SH: Uh, Trey?

TV: What?

SH: Well, do the math.

TV: There were 52 cards….JJ already took out three scrubs…(he gets a confused look on his face).

SH: OK. Let's put this in terms you can understand.


SH: Let's say you have 52 bottles of beer.


SH: Order one, drink it, what do you have left?


SW: They're NOT going to subject us to this!

SH: Yes! It's time for 52 Bottles Of Beer In Trey's Gut! Everyone, sing along if you know the words.

TV: (Singing) ONE, bottle of beer in Trey's gut!

SH/TV: ONE, bottle of BEER!

Styles: Fans, this is gonna take a while. Let's go to a break…

Hey! Go to your local video store and buy BOB's latest home videos. OK? See all of BOB's classic shows that you thought you'd never see again. Go see all of BOB's classic shows that you never saw before! How? Buy our stuff! Buy BOB! Buy videos! Buy BOB home videos! BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY BUY!

SH: …order a beer, drink it down…what do you got?

TV: One sh**faced sports entertainment superstar!

[Trey and Seth laugh and high-five.]

TV: But what was the point of that song?

SH: Ummm…OH. If you subtract three beers from 52 bottles of beer, what do you have left?

TV: 49. But what's that have to do with Hardcore JJ?

SH: Don't you want him to 'count' to 49?

TV: Well…I was gonna let the Detached Narrator of the hook so he could recap the carnage.


TV: Yes?

[Um. Nevermind.]



TV: I bet you one Pepsi that you can't count to 48.

JJ: One Pepsi. Nuh-uh! I don't think so, not by a long shot.

TV: What do you want then.

JJ: I want one Pepsi.


JJ: Two Pepsis.

TV: Uh huh.

JJ: Three Pepsis.

TV: Should we take another commercial break?

JJ: Four Pepsis.

TV: FINE. Shut up. Just get on with it. I got plenty of cash.

BigB: Excuse me. This show has been on for nearly an hour and we've yet to even have a match.


Crowd: ONE!

TV: Really? Sorry, hadn't noticed. Didn't this show start when the iAd got here?

BigB: No.

TV: Well, it shouldn't have started until we got here. That's your fault that this show is later than Heidi.


TV: Didn't they freeze some love juice while they were freezing his head so you could do insemination?

NH: That's a vicious rumor.

[JJ DROP on Jim!]

Crowd: TWO!

TV: Don't you want to have children some day?

NH: What is this show? Random Tangents?

TV: It's Chloroform, darling. Guaranteeing headaches or a curing insomnia, every Sunday morning. The iAd is in full effect. This show is on like a plane headed into…


TV: Ooops. I's like….a envelope with little white powder…

SH: Trey? I cannot believe I have to keep censoring you.

TV: What? Why so sensitive? OK. Well. This show is like a piece of


Crowd: THREE!

KA: Can we get back on script, people?

TV: There's a script today? Fine. Where were we? Oh, right. OK. So…


TV: Damn it, JJ!

Crowd: FOUR!

JJ: What?

[He rolls out of the ring.]

Styles: What can I say, but eat your heart out WWE. You have NEVER had this long of an opening segment.

SW: And you're bragging about this?

TV: Now I have to wait for Kurt to stop selling.

SH: What should we do till then?

TV: Hmm. Well…I have an idea.

SH: Do you?

TV: I do.

SH: Do share.

TV: I think I might. OK.


Crowd: FIVE!

TV: Why don't we show some funny BOB out-takes!

SH: No. Let's not.

TV: Aww come on, this will be good. Let's go to the Big Brother camera!

[On the TinyTron, comes the image of Sleazy-C. He is at a soda vending machine, taking a sip from a beverage when Trey Vincent comes up to him.]

TV: Hey beyotch.

SC: Hey muthajobba.

TV: What's up.

SC: Nuttin. Jus kickin it. Ya know?

TV: Cool, cool. Hey? What's that (he asks pointing up at the ceiling).

SC: (Looking up) Whats whut? That crack? Or tha little bug? Man, I hate bugz.

[Vincent produces a bag that says 'Mosquitoes' on it. Vincent is chuckling. He rips open the top of the bag and dumps the little black bugs toward Sleazy.]

SC: AHHHHHHHH! (He drops to the ground, swarmed by mosquitoes. The can falls to the floor, spilling the brown liquid. Vincent grabs the camera and gets a close up off the soda.)

TV: Dun, dun, dun. So the question becomes…what is the bigger tragedy. Is it the spilled soda? Well, some might say that.

[Sleazy-C runs away.]

SC: They're in my hair! They're in my shirt! They're in my nose! AHHHHH!

TV: I guess that all depends on if he gets West Nile Virus. Back to you, Trey!


TV: Bwahahaha. Aww, c'mon. That's gold!

[While you were away, JJ hit Nurse Heidi, Mark Shill and Styles with the JJ DROP. And the crowd said: SIX! SEVEN! EIGHT! respectively.]

TV: Are you ready Kurt?

KA: Yeah. So. Where were we?

TV: You're trying to get JJ as our ref.

KA: OK. Oh, Trey, the camera's on.

TV: And we're back. Thanks handsome. OK. Now.


Crowd: NINE!

KA: I want to expose you like a pair of really big breasts!

TV: Stacy Kiebler's breasts?



KA: Exactly!

[JJ DROP on The Commentator!]

Crowd: TEN!

TV: Well, Kurt, I wanna hurt you where it counts. In the crotch! I'm gonna hit more low blows on you than Britney delivers to…uh…

Brandon: Totally Face?


Crowd: ELEVEN!

Sir Hungalot: Hey, you shouldn't…

[JJ DROP ON The Sir!]

Crowd: TWELVE!

TV: Sure, we'll go with that for now. OK. You would have to be on crack to think I couldn't whip your scrub ass.

KA: Let's not deal in facts here, Vincent. Let's settle this, one way or another. So I can beat your ass like we're pair of lesbians in a badly written lemon.

TV: Those are fighting words!

BigB: Might I make a suggestion to settle this?

KA: Sure, Mr. BigBOSS.

BigB: I have a deck of cards here. Why don't you guys play a little game for the stipulations?

TV: Fine by me.

KA: Me too.



TV: Is anyone else as surprised as me that this crowd can count this high?

[The camera cuts to Eddie B's booth. He's got a The Best of NASA Countdowns Vol. 3 CD paused on track 37.]



TV: What game do you want to play?

KA: Poker.

TV: Fine.

[They look at the broken table Ken destroyed earlier. Then they look at BigBOSS.]

BigB: Use the announce table. They're all knocked out.





[The scene shifts to the announce table. Vincent and Angel move some bodies out of the way and take a seat. Vincent looks down at Nurse Heidi.]

TV: Now that brings back some memories. An unconscious girl under an announce table. Those were the days, eh Seth?

SH: …

BigB: OK guys. This is a legit deck. One hand to win.

KA: Hold on, I'm going to move to that side so Vincent can't cheat off me.

TV: Fine. Go ahead.


Real Crowd: WHOOOOA!

Fake Crowd: SEVENTEEN!


TV: JJ, hit her again!

KA: That was beautiful.

BigB: *Ahem*

TV: What?

KA: What?

TV: (Singing) I want Candy…

KA: Get in line, buster.

TV: Trey Vincent doesn't do sloppy seconds.

KA: I'm an Olympic hero.

TV: I'm a sports entertainment icon!

KA: That's it! Let's play! Deal 'em BOSS.



[After shuffling the deck, BigBOSS deals both men five cards. Both men pick them up and seem pleasantly surprised.]

TV: OK. So. Right. I'll take…umm…two cards.

KA: I'll take…three cards.

BigB: OK, ante up.

TV: Right, so, I'll put Hardcore JJ on the line. But you have to put something on the line.

KA: OK. How about, my gold medals?



TV: No, this has to be a stipulation. How about we put your hair on the line?

KA: All my hair?

TV: ALL of it.

KA: Fine. But how does that affect the in-ring stuff?

TV: It doesn't. Let me think.

[Seth and Trey consult.]


Crowd: TWENTY.

TV: OK…if I win this hand, that means there will be no JJ and the match will be fought under Sports Entertainment Rules.



KA: I see your sports entertainment rules, and just so we're even, let's throw in if you lose the match, you give me your booking power!






[We need to take a break. Will Trey put his booking power on the line?]




BigB: And, go!



TV: OK. But if I put my booking power on the line, you got to throw something in the pot. Namely, your pot!

KA: My drug supply?

TV: And your medals!

KA: My medals?

TV: Right.

KA: So, it's my hair, my medals and my drugs in the match vs. your booking power and your title.

SH: Trey, I don't like this.

TV: Trust me. OK. That's IN the match. But for right here and now, it's Hardcore JJ as special ref vs. sports entertainment rules, right?

BigB: Sounds right to me.



TV: Wait! But…on the fluke that my booking power is lost…the iAd's MSTies are renewed for another full season in 2003! And after that? Well, we'll figure that out a year from now.

SH: Now I really have a bad feeling about this.

BigB: Granted.

KA: OK. Fine. If you get your jollies off of other's bad shows, then that's fine by me.

BigB: Anything else you'd like to throw in?

KA: If I win, I leave BOB. But if you win, YOU leave BOB!



[As StreetMime falls down, he hits the camera, and we see Flunky in the audience, poking members of the sleeping crowd with a stick to wake them up.]

BigB: Kurt, that would mean, if he wins the match, he'll leave here with THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

KA: What? Don't you have enough other titles now? Just make the Swiss Army Title the top belt or something.

Violent Pacifist: Sounds good to me!



TV: That's a risk I'm willing to take. I'll take it with me wherever I decide to go.

BigB: No. I won't let you--

KA: Come on Mr. BigBOSS.

BigB: Kurt. This is BOB. There are no happy endings in BOB.

KA: Yeah, but then you'll be rid of Trey Vincent from all your shows. It's a small price to pay, isn't it?




Real Crowd: OHHHHHHHH!

BigB: OK. Gentlemen. Let's see your cards!


Crowd: THIRTY!

BigB: By the way…this segment has gone into the second hour.

TV: Ratings are through the roof, Trey Vincent is here, relax. Even if this scrub is on TV too. People will put up with it.

KA: You first, Vincent.

TV: Go ahead, Angel. I insist.



TV: You know, this is like an Iron Man segment.

SH: If JJ would hurry up, we could stop stalling here.

JJ: I'm moving as fast as I can, you sorry summabitches. I am only 3 and I'm starting to get a little tired.

TV: Well that's too bad! You can take a nap AFTER you DROP everybody!

[At the entryway, two men in suits walk down to the ring. They head around to the announcers table.]

Suit 1: Excuse me, are you employing a 3-year-old?

Suit 2: And forcing him to work against his will?

TV: No.

BigB: Of course not.

Suit 1: Sirs, we represent the Maryland Society of the Prevention of Children Being Used For Sports Entertainment Purposes.

JJ: What?

Suit 2: We're here to help you.



Sarah: Nice. Now I can leave.

Death: Hold up Sarah. Think I'm gonna sell for that kid?

STJS: We're outee.



TV: How high did he have to count.

BigB: Trey, you have to COVER the microphone.

TV: Oh, right. Well?



[Vincent and Angel watch as a tired JJ drags himself around to the next person.]



[Vincent pulls out a ANALOrGY magazine and immediately heads for the Cyberslut of the Month.]



[Kurt pulls some sort of green substance out from his trunks and some rolling papers.]

TV: Hey hey! Maybe you're not such a bad guy after all…

BigB: I would be outraged if I didn't want a hit so badly.



JJ: (To Urine) Aww, man, can't you wear a diaper?

TV: Here's a lighter…



[We return to the announce position. BigBOSS, Kurt Angel, Seth Harker and Trey Vincent all have headsets on and are laughing hysterically.]

TV: Wait, wait. How do you keep a blonde woman busy?

Others: How?

TV: Put her in a round room and tell her there's a vibrator in the corner!

[All four of them laugh hysterically again.]



KA: Wait, I got one…A couple gets a new house. The husband tells his wife to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She agrees and leaves.


KA: She gets to the hardware store, gets the hinge and puts it on the counter in front of the clerk. He notices she didn't have any screws for it, so he asks her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?'' She looks back at him and says ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''

[All four laugh hysterically again. Vincent tips over backward in his chair.]

TV: OK, got another one (he says crawling to his knees). OK. A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet. ''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks. 'I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies. ''That's a stupid thing to say!'' ''Well, that's a stupid thing to ask!''

[All four laugh again. Vincent disappears under the table.]

BigB: Trey, get off her!

TV: Oh, but she's so comfortable!


Crowd: FORTY!


JJ: Hey you big bastard!




JJ: Another one of ya? Hey, give me back my underoos!



TV: Bwahahaha. Did you see them take JJ's underoos!

[BigBOSS bangs on the desk, laughing too hard to talk.]

SH: Uh oh, Austin 30,160 says it's time for a whooping!

TV: You said 'it's.' BWAHAHAHA.

[Everyone laughs as we see a JJ DROP ON STONE HOT STEVE DAWSON!]


JJ: Come here, I've got cheese!



BigB: OK, here's one. A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.

KA: This is GOLD!

TV: Shuddup. Go on…

BigB: "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

TV: Heehee.

BigB: At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

TV: Heeheehee…

BigB: This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

TV: Hmmhmmmm.

BigB: At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

TV: Bwahahahahaha.

[The other three men begin laughing.]



Mr. Intensity: Come on JJ. Make it HURT! MAKE IT HURT!!!!!!



[JJ puts his hands on his knees, sucking for air for a few seconds.]

TV: Should we do this thing up now bro?

KA: Sure thing bro.

[Trey flips over his cards.]

TV: Four threes Angel. Beat that!

[Kurt looks crestfallen.]

KA: Jeez. This can't be good. Since you LOST!

TV: Huh?

SH: Whaaa?

[Kurt flips over his cards. FIVE 3's! Vincent looks at the BigBOSS.]

BigB: A win's a win. The winner of the Poker Match for the stipulations to the main event….KURT ANGEL!

[The crowd pops. Well, the one's who are awake, and care. Meanwhile, JJ looks around at everyone down on the floor around the ring, still selling the JJ DROP. He then gets in the ring and does the only thing left to do…




SH: Dude.

BigB: Duuude.

KA: Duude.

TV: I could really go for some ice cream man.

KA: Yeah, me too.

[The 'announcer squad' drop their headsets and head around the ring, avoiding all the prone bodies. Trey and Seth have a chuckle at JJ. Once they head up the ramp, the camera focuses in the ring, on JJ. Nobody is moving. The arena is eerily silent. Then, "Temptation Waits" begins blasting, waking up all the fans, but oddly, none of the wrestlers, and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" comes back out from the back and heads to the ring. The crowd cheers. Once she gets in the ring, she finds the nearest camera, and then turns around the other way so we get a nice shot of her from behind.]

STJS: I'd like the chance to explain something that's been going on. I'm sure most of you don't quite get why I've done what I've done in the past few weeks. And honestly, neither do I. At Wrestlestarrmaniacade, the bookers told me to turn on my friends. I thought they meant to wear something sexy, and I was all like, yay, sure, but then they were like, no, no…and you saw what happened. They told me turn on them, so I did. I saw everyone questioning why. And I was among them.

STJS: So I went into a bit of avoidyness. So then people kept wondering and so did I. Now all my friends hate me. Which I think they did anyway. I've been the ratings, I've been the rant zone queen. I've carried BOB for the last few months. I've given my blood, sweat and tears for BOB. I've given you my bananas! For all those fans out there and wrestlers and people who never doubted the Slayer, I'll stand by YOU, if you stand by ME.


STJS: ….OH, and that match with Little Good? Not gonna happen. For there is only one man in my life now. And that man is Angel. And I am going to make it my business to make sure he gets his soul…or wings back or whatever. But for all the people, all the commentators, wrestlers, best friends who doubted me, you can STICK IT. From now on I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn’t mean you won't see the Slayer from time to time. No. I'm gonna pop in when you most expect it.

[She pauses.]

STJS: The only thing that's sure about the Slayer….is NOTHING's for sure.

[Fade to black. Except for everyone's 3 least favorite words….]


© 2002 BOB Wrestling. The only federation to see multiple title changes without a match taking place!


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