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Sunday Morning Chloroform Logo

We're back, but why?

[Hello fucktards, and welcome to another season of BOB. *Sigh*. I'm sure you remember me, your hostest with the mostest, Detached Narrator. When we last left you on SMC 16, BigBOSS was in the midst of slashing his budget, firing factions and watching people abandon this sinking dinghy we call BOB. I've given up trying to take over this place, instead deciding to continue to screw with all the little people who work here for my own amusement.]

TV: That's what I'm paying you for.

[*Ahem*. Just catching the folks up. OK. With that in mind, we head to The Wood Shed Arena in Frying Pan Landing, North Carolina.]

Scotty Whatbody: It's 2005. It's 3 a.m. on a Sunday. And I'm half-asleep. *Yawn*

Nurse Heidi: Welcome to Sunday Morning Chloroform.

SW: Yeah, what she said.

NH: And we are being joined by our special guest commentator this morning, Igpay Atinolay Eathay!

IAE: Eyhay, exysay. At'swhay oinggay onway isthay orningmay?

NH: Uh, nice to see you too.

IAE: IgBOSSbay aidsay incesay I'mway erehay andway otnay orkingway, Iway ightmay asway ellway earnway ymay aypay. I'veway eenbay orkingway onway ymay Arkmay Illshay impersonationway. Eckchay isthay outway omeshay. EAVEN'SHAY OTAY ETSYBAY, ESSEWAY! ISTHAY ISWAY ETHAY EATESTGRAY SMCAY INWAY ETHAY ISTORYHAY OFWAY SMCAY, OMESHAY!

SW: Where is Shill?

[They are interrupted as "Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays over the sound system. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" steps out, getting a pretty good cheer from the small crowd of about fifty in attendance. Well, fifty plus Totally Heel, made up of Violent Pacifist, Massive Man Rendition First, Jean Bannister, Jim, J.C. Long and Sir Hungalot, who are in the front row with picket signs.]

SW: It's Totally Heel! But where's JJ?

[Cut to a bathroom, where Atomo The Living Robot is relieving some excess, uh, oil...]

JJ: Dang, man, mine was bigger than that when I was two.

Atomo: ATOMO'S-EGO-SHRINKING.

[Back to the arena.]

Sarah: Before BOB's latest round of budget problems, me and the Shaggies were going along great, heading towards destroying the Second and all his minions.

[Hehehehe. Better luck next time, bitch. Evil never dies! Mwahahaha.]

Sarah: Yehhuh. Whatever. But you know what, Detached Narrator. You come out of those brackets, I'll detach more than just your kneecap.

[Ooooh, I'm shaking like a person with that disease that makes people shake uncontrollably.]

SW: Tourette's?

Sarah: No, that's swearing uncontrollably.

SW: FUCK!

Sarah: Parkinson's?

[I guess. I never went to school.]

Sarah: Anyway. During our fight, a tragedy happened. Xamfir's eye was legitimately taken out by Mr. Paradox. And I'm not talking in the funny make-believe now he can have a pirate gimmick legitimate. His eye is gone. So, as far as this Jobber Slayer is concerned, everybody around Mr. Paradox is going to die. Horribly. Painfully. Slowly.

Sir Zeno: Oh, stop, you're turning me on.

[The crowd boos as Flunky wheels out the 13-inch black and white TinyTron.]

SZ: Sarah, stop your whining. We've all had our difficulties. I can't seem to get our Dimension-Z: The Gathering to air on any pay-per-view channel. They say it's too violent. Look, Sarah. You've been in BOB for, what, three years or so now? Until you've run into us, you've had to deal with the likes of XXXtreme Machine, Sleazy-C and a bunch of other nobodies.

Sarah: Who gave this guy permission to interrupt my promo?

SZ: The point is this. The Shaggy Gang is the past. We are the future. So if you want to get at Paradox, you're going to have to fight all of us.

Sarah: I'm not just doing this for me. I'm doing this for Xamfir. I'm doing this for his squished eye. And just so you know, both of your eyes? They're offending me. I think I'm gonna have to pluck 'em out of your skull. I'm about to get Biblical on your asses!

IAE: Olyhay itshay!

SW: You can say that again!

IAE: Olyhay itshay!

NH: What a way to start off Sunday Morning Chloroform. Sarah promising to go eye for an eye. How can we top this?

["XXXtreme" hits the speakers.]

SW: Wrong answer.

MA: The opening contest of SMC is scheduled for one outcome. Introducing first, from North Dakota. XXXtreme Machine!

[XXXtreme Machine walks down the aisle with a bottle of water in his hand. He climbs up onto the apron and pours the water down into his hair. As the water pours down his face and into his eyes, he drops the bottle of water and grabs his stinging eyes.]

SW: No matter how low our budget goes, we manage to pay this guy?

IAE: Isthay uygay uckssay, omeshay.

["Battle Without Honor or Humanity" starts playing.]

MA: And his opponent. Coming down the aisle. It's, the Bride! Let's get it on!

***DING DING DING***

SW: But she isn't getting married this morning. She's gonna kick some ass.

NH: We understand that BILL and the JEWS have been eliminated from the BOB roster. Mainly so we'll stop getting complaints from Jewish groups about Jews being evil. And so BILL will stop suing us for sexual harassment every other week.

SW: That, and The Bride pretty much killed the rest of that group. Aside from The Pussy. Whatever happened to The Pussy? I love The Pussy.

NH: Yes, we all know that, Scotty.

IAE: Iway ovelay Ethay Ussypay, ootay, esseway.

NH: Who do you like in this one, Igpay?

IAE: Usuallyway away anmay ashay anway advantageway overway away omanway inway away estlingwray atchmay. Utbay EmexXXtray Achinemay arelybay alifiesquay asway away anmay, ommymay.

SW: He's WAY better than Shill. Though I do miss making fun of that fat fucker.

NH: And we have the bell. The Bride with a sidekick to XXXtreme Machine's midsection. Elbow to the back of the head. Cover! One! Two! Three! It's all over!

***DING DING DING***

MA: Here is your winner, The Bride!

SW: XXXtreme Machine is complaining to the Generic Ref. Oh yeah! He just clobbered The Bride from behind with a clothesline. She's down. Now where's XXXtreme going? He's going under the ring to look for a weapon of some sort I'd imagine.

XM: f7k!

NH: There doesn't seem to be any weapons under there due to the budget cut. Oh wait. He just spied the ring bell!

SW: I thought BigBOSS cut that out of the budget!

The Flunky: Hey! I paid for that hammer you dick!

XM: fuc u mna im gona fuk this bitch pu!

NH: Oh no. The Bride is struggling to her feet. XXXtreme Machine charges with the hammer. She jumps out of the way. She kicks him in the gut and hits a leg sweep. She rips the hammer out of his hand and spreads his legs apart.

SW: YOWZA! Low blow with the ring hammer.

IAE: Iway inkthay EmexXXtray Achinemay eedsnay omesay edicalmay elphay, esseway.

[Cut to backstage to the medical room. A sign on the door says: The Doctor Is Out!]

SW: Bad luck for XXXtreme Machine. But I'm sure he's used to it. His life is like a string of broken mirrors. Well, anyway. While he struggles to move and breathe, we'd like to congratulate BOB's own Misty Waters. She has just completed work on her latest softcore film, "The Clitoris Ring 2." It's supposed to be even scarier and sexier than the first one. Will you be checking that out, Heidi? At my motel? In a couple hours? Naked? With me?

NH: The answer to all of those questions is no. Wait...

SW: Yes?

NH: HELL no!

SW: When are you gonna loosen up? Well, it looks like the ring is finally cleared of debris, so let's see what's up next on SMC, shall we?

[Backstage. XXXtreme Machine is holding his nuts as he runs into the You Gotta Be Kidding, I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt.]

XM: mna mi balz hirt. Wats fuk9n rung wit u?

YGBKIADTAYOOYFMTB: ...

XM: cum on tawk 2 me btIch!

YGBKIADTAYOOYFMTB: ...

XM: o i get it, ur scarred fo Deth! ur the fukin formr hardkor champ bicth! u can fuk pu Deth!

YGBKIADTAYOOYFMTB: ...

XM: yeh bicth!

[Now let's head to BigBOSSes office. BigB isn't there at the moment, but Christina Gaguilera and Britney Smears are. Along with Rubba Ray Drudley, D-Van Drudley, Coma, Hallucination Boy, Coma...whoops, already mentioned him.]

Coma 1: Neep!

Coma 2: Rutabaga!

[Damnit! Poof goes one of the Comas. The second Coma should actually be John "Skeeter" Skeet and Steve "Leerer" Leary.]

SL: I didn't know "Leerer" was my nickname. I don't particularly like it.

[Fuck you. Today, you're "Leerer."]

BS: So, like, what are we like doing here and stuff?

CA: And can you believe that Misty Waters is starring in "The Clitoris Ring 2"? You know, my clitoris is actually pierced. I doubt she even has a clitoris, she's such a faker. My gawd.

Coma: The clitoris has been breached! Abandon ship! Neep!

HB: TRAIN!

[Hallucination Boy dives to the floor as if he's avoiding an onrushing train.]

SL: You know who isn't brilliant, Skeeter?

JS: Who's that Leary?

SL: Everybody else in this room.

JS: Everybody else in the room! Brilliant!

RRD: Will you two SHUT YOUR HOLES!

BigB: Yes, underlings. That's the smartest thing I've heard in the last...well, since this segment started. I swear, I haven't seen this many people with such a low brain cell count since I went to North Carolina!

[The crowd boos.]

BigB: Oops, are we IN North Carolina today? Darnit. I meant to say, I haven't seen this many people with such a low brain cell count since I went to SOUTH Carolina!

[The crowd roars in cheers!]

BigB: Right then. Hello Skeeter, how are you?

JS: Good BOSS, you?

BigB: Lovely. Anyhow. As our viewers don't know, I have some vacant titles to fill. Now, Atomo is still our Pop-Up champion, and Mr. Paradox is still our YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Champ, since I heard he would be quite likely to slaughter his way through the entire staff until he got to me. *Ahem* But I digress. So here's the deal campers. Instead of having three tag team titles, we're going to combine those all into one belt. But instead of creating another really long title belt name, I've decided to create these.

[BigB holds up the former Super Duper Keen Team Things, which have been spray painted over and rewritten to say the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles.]

BigB: Now. You four teams have been booked to fight for these belts in a four-team ladder match! The winning team will climb up this pretty gold ladder and snatch the gold. But before we get to that match, which will take place at a future date, this morning, I figure we should get a preview of the match. So this morning, we are going to see three matches. Leary, you get Christina.

Leary: Huzzah!

Gaguilera: Gag.

Big B: Coma and Rubba Ray will meet.

Rubba: I'm gonna mess you up, retard!

Coma: Brain damage is only a state of mind. Nurfle!

BigB: And Britney and Hallucination Boy are going to go at it.

BS: Do I have to lose my virginity again?

HB: TRAIN!

BigB: No, Britney.

D-Van: Can I have the box it came in?

BS: Whatever.

BigB: Alright, that's it. Out of my office, underlings! Oh, Leary, Christina, your match is next.

[Back to ringside.]

SW: We're ready for more crappy action. Let's get to it already.

["Red Blooded Woman" by Kylie Miingue (or however you spell that name) hits the speakers, and Christina Gaguilera is on her way down the aisle. Looking mighty tanned and buff. Her time away from BOB must have been spent at the beach.]

SW: Humina humina humina.

IAE: Uminahay uminahay uminahay.

SW: She's hotter than a amaletay, huh, Igpay?

IAE: Onay oubtday, Ottyscay. I'dway ovelay otay akemay erhay aggay onway ymay igbay igpay atinolay eathay.

NH: That was just dirty. Not even funny.

IAE: Ouyay essdray inway away ursenay outfitway, Eidihay. On'tday eachpray otay emay untilway ouyay angechay ouryay amenay otay Everenedray Eidihay.

SW: BWAHAHAHA! He got you, Heidi!

MA: The following contest is set for, something. Introducing first, from my dreams, Christina Gaguilera!

NH: What is so damn special about her?

SW: What's the matter, Heidi? Starting to feel old?

NH: Old? What are you talking about?

SW: We've got all this young talent coming in and stealing attention away from you. I think you're a bit envious. Show 'em your tits. That'll win us back!

NH: I'm not that desperate.

SW: But you're getting close?

NH: ...

SW: Yes!

MA: And her opponent. From Bonesteel, South Dakota. Please welcome Steve Leary!

SW: Leary is bringing a weapon with him. It's a Playstation 2 controller. I hope he doesn't plan on using that to cheat.

NH: Did you just come out against cheating?

SW: I'd never cheat on Christina. She's soooo HOT!

NH: Stop it, Scotty!

SW: Hehehe. Alright. The beautiful and talented Christina Gaguilera is set to face the average video gamer and failed comic Steve Leary. And here we go. Christina with a jab. Another jab. A third. Leary goes down. Christina mounts him and starts pounding his skull with punches.

IAE: Ohway, anmay! Earylay ustjay inchedpay erhay ipplenay! At'sthay onnagay etgay erhay issedpay offway, omiehay. Andway usttray emay, Iway owknay isthay omfray experienceway.

SW: Christina grabs her sore nipple. Leary with a clothesline! He did a wrestling move. I'll be damned.

NH: Leary runs to the ropes and bounces off. Leg drop misses!

SW: Christina avoided Leary's crappy finisher. She's quickly to her feet.

*SMACK*

IAE: OHWAY YMAY OODNESSGAY! ATTHAY ASWAY ETHAY OUDESTLAY ICKKAY INWAY ETHAY ISTORYHAY OFWAY OROFORMCHLAY!

SW: Nice Shilling there, Igpay. Leary must be concussed after that. Uh oh. She's going for his video game joystick. The crowd's all turning toward the entrance. We should ignore it and then wonder how Skeeter got into the ring without anybody seeing him come in.

NH: Skeeter is in the ring! Where'd he come from? Christina sees him. She shoves Skeeter, who trips over his own feet, falls through the ropes, bangs his head on the apron and falls limp to the floor.

SW: Christina wraps the cord around Leary's throat. And now she puts on a sleeper hold. Generic Ref checking to make sure her arm isn't choking Leary.

IAE: Eshay ieslay, eatschay andway ealsstay ikelay emay.

NH: C'mon, Ref! She's choking him with a video game controller cord!

CA: Excuse me? Do I get all up in your business, bitch? Hey, Ref. Can't you let it slide. This once? For me? *Kissee face°

GR: Oh, OK.

SW: Generic Ref lifts up Leary's arm. It goes down. Up goes the arm and down goes the arm. Up a third time. Down a third time. This one's all over.

[Backstage, Unit 5 is standing with Michelle (Sarah "The Jobber Slayer's" younger sister.]

Michelle: Are you sure you want to make this challenge, Unit 5?

Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*

Michelle: Relax, relax. I know you're serious about it. I just don't know if he'd respond to you.

Unit 5: *Whirring*

Michelle: Because. Not a lot of people understand you the way I do. I know you want to shock the parody wrestling world, but are you sure?

Unit 5: *Beep, beep, beep, beep*

Michelle: Hey, dude, you know what? There's no need to get angry at me. I'm gonna go get Sarah to tear you bolt from bolt. Bastard.

[She stomps away.]

Unit 5: ...

[Trey Vincent walks into frame, opens Unit 5 and pulls out a pair of green and black boxer shorts.]

TV: Thanks buddy. I needed these underwear clean. Got a hot date with Nurse Heidi later tonight.

Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*

TV: I do so! How dare you. That's it, I'm gonna go get Seth Harker to tear you bolt from bolt. Dick.

Unit 5: ...

[Unit 5's top falls down.]

[We join Scotty, Heidi and Igpay at the Flimsy Announce Table©. Heidi is eating a foot-long hot dog.]

SW: That's quite a big wiener you're eating, Heidi. But I'm sure you're used to eating big ones!

NH: That's right, Scotty, I am. This portion of SMC is brought to you by Big Ones Foot Long Hot Dogs. If you like your hot dogs fat, long and juicy, you want Big Ones. Nothing fills your hunger for meat like Big Ones! Say, Scotty, want one?

SW: No, thanks. I don't swing that way.

NH: Swing what way?

SW: Never mind.

IAE: Iway ouldcay atchway ouyay eatway atthay allway ayday, Eidihay. Ouldway ouyay ikelay away ittlelay ayonaisemay orway ippedwhay eamcray ithway atthay?

NH: Uh...no thanks.

MA: The following match will be fought under no disqualification rules. Introducing first, from Drudleyville, it's Rubba Ray Drudley.

["Highway to Hell" is blaring, thanks to Eddie B. as usual, who's on the ball today. Must not be as stoned as usual.]

MA: And his opponent. From Parts Forgotten. This is, Coma!

[A medley of Ramones songs plays as Coma runs down the aisle wrapped in barbed wire. Sadly, for Coma, he forgot to leave his arms free.]

SW: Coma is stupid-core!

NH: He is going to get killed by Rubba Ray.

SW: And let's pretend the bell rang, since The Flunky lost his ring hammer to XXXtreme Machine earlier this morning. Actually, let's take a look back at that, in case you missed it.

NH: There doesn't seem to be any weapons under there due to the budget cut. Oh wait. He just spied the ring bell!

SW: I thought BigBOSS cut that out of the budget!

The Flunky: Hey! I paid for that hammer you dick!

XM: fuc u mna im gona fuk this bitch pu!

SW: And there you go. That's how The Flunky lost his ring bell.

[Eddie B. hits a bell sound effect. Hold on. Cut to Eddie B.'s booth, please. Little Good?]

Little Good: Yeah?

[Where's Eddie?]

LG: Called in sick, mate. Just taking one for the team. Rah-rah and all that piss.

[Have you thought of doing this full-time?]

LG: Instead of getting my ass kicked on a nightly basis?

NH: Did you forget there's a match going on?

[Right. Whoops. Back to the ring. We'll talk, Little Good.]

SW: Rubba Ray with a chair that he grabbed out from under a fan.

*THUNK*

SW: I highly doubt that'll hurt him, Rubba. But feel free to keep trying. You'll eventually find one working brain cell.

IAE: It'sway adsay atthay ehay adhay otay aketay away airchay omfray away anfay. OBBAY ashay eallyray ashedslay itsway underplay udgetbay.

NH: Rubba heads out and looks under the ring. But he finds the same thing that XXXtreme Machine found earlier. Nothing.

SW: And Rubba Ray looks mighty pissed about it.

Rubba: D-VAN! GET THE TRABLE!

IAE: OBBAY isway osay okebray, e'reway ackbay otay usingway umanhay odiesbay asway eaponsway. Utbay incesay it'sway Abletray, I'mway oodgay ithway itway.

SW: And here comes D-Van, dragging rap/wrestler/prop Pete Trabel by the hair. D-Van shoves Trabel into the ring. Trabel is set up on hands and knees. Rubba kicks Coma in the gut and whips him to the ropes. D-Van lifts him up.

NH: 4-D. The Drudley Death Drop of Doom onto Trabel!

SW: This one is all over in goofy fashion, as usual.

NH: One. Two. Three. Coma can't get his shoulder up, thanks to the fact he's wrapped in barbed wire still.

IAE: Eyhay, omeshay, erehay omescay Allucinationhay Oybay otay ethay escueray.

SW: D-Van picks up the chair. They've got Hallucination Boy surrounded. He charges Hallucination Boy.

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

*SMACK*

SW: D-Van just hit Rubba Ray with the chair. Rubba Ray falls face first to the mat.

NH: Hallucination Boy pulls Coma to safety.

IAE: Ubbaray Ayray akestay away adeblay outway ofway ishay antspay.

NH: You're not supposed to read that part.

IAE: Oopswhay.

SW: Stop exposing the business, Paul. Er, I mean, Igpay. Heh. Coma and Hallucination Boy made D-Van accidentally hit Rubba Ray with the chair. Oh, there will be hell to pay...but not us on the payroll.

[Back to BigBOSSes office we go. He is there with Trey Vincent now.]

TV: What's up, Stuart.

BigB: ... My name is BigBOSS.

TV: The Comedy Central dudes told me to call you that. I don't care what your name is, to be honest. So, anyway, what was your big genius idea?

BB: We need to have ourselves an ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. So I figured, why not have a match between two of the top contenders in BOB. Sir Zeno and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."

TV: I thought Unit 5 was supposed to get a main event push? It's really over with the crowd.

BB: Be that as it may, what's Unit 5 gonna do to me? Slosh me?

[There is a low rumbling noise in the background. Trey and BigBOSS both stare at the door as Unit 5 appears.]

TV: Way to piss off the talent, BOSS.

BigB: I promise you'll get your shot at the belt that you won fair and square in March Mayhem last year.

Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*

BigB: Don't take that tone with me, young machine!

Unit 5: *Whirring noises*

TV: Fuck off, you hunk of junk. You can face the winner of Zeno/Sarah, OK?

Unit 5: *Whirring noises*

[Unit 5 turns around and rumbles out of the doorway. Dennis and The Flunky are seen pushing Unit 5, thanks to some shoddy camerawork.]

TV: Now that's how you get things done.

BigB: So. To build up to Sir Zeno and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," I was thinking we should let them pick opponents for each other until I decide it's profitable enough for them to meet.

TV: Sounds fine to me. When is our next pay-per-view?

BigB: I wish I knew, Trey. I wish I knew.

TV: Whatever. I gotta go. Later.

[Back at ringside, The Flunky is lifting Unit 5 into the ring with a forklift.]

SW: Damn, Unit 5 must have put on weight.

IAE: Eahyay, anmay. Iway utpay allway ymay aundrylay inway erethay omiehay. Iway aven'thay eanedclay ymay othesclay inway onthsmay, anmay.

SW: Yeah. That has been a great addition by BigBOSS. Free laundry. If only the cheap bastard would throw in a bottle of detergent as Unit 5's sidekick.

IAE: Itway ookslay ikelay Unitway 5'say otgay away icmay andway itway ain'tway afraidway otay useway itway.

Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble rumble*

SW: Damn, how long is Unit 5 gonna rumble on for?

Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*

[But suddenly, Unit 5 is interrupted by the familiar tune of BigBOSSes "Taking Care of Business."]

BigB: Well, Unit 5. I applaud you for making such a BOLD challenge. I'm sure the TIDE will be with you in that match, whenever it happens. So is that ALL you had to say.

SW: Who did he challenge?

NH: I don't know. I don't speak washing machine.

BigB: I'm sure you large following will only GAIN more followers.

NH: What is he doing? A laundry detergent commercial, or is he trying to talk down to Unit 5?

SW: BigBOSS doesn't talk to many people, Heidi. The only person he can talk down to is LilBOSS, and BigBOSS had to genetically engineer him.

BigB: So if this match between you and...douja were to take place, it would show those people at Comedy Central that we deserve a bigger budget.

SW: Unit 5 and douja? That's HUGE. A huge disappointment, that is.

NH: What, to see douja back in BOB?

SW: No. To see him stuck in a match against an inanimate object.

IAE: oujaday obablypray eatsway irtyday, esseway. Iway on'tday inkthay e'dhay arecay ifway e'shay estlingwray away anmay, omanway, ildchay, ishay imaginaryway iendfray orway ashingway achinemay.

Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*

BigB: What's that? Why yes? Yes I am THAT BigBOSS. The one and only. The man who has restarted BOB more times than the IRS has tried to arrest me. Not by much, granted. But the same one, yes. I am a legend in the IRS office. Not a good legend. I think they have a 'Wanted Dead' poster of me up this week.

Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*

BigB: ...

[Suddenly, Unit 5's door swings open, hitting BigBOSS in the nuts! The crowd goes crazy as BigBOSS crumples to his feet.]

SW: Now that's entertainment, folks! BigBOSS getting hit in the nuts! You gotta love it. Sometimes the wrestling gods smile down on the little people.

NH: And Dennis is forklifting a triumphant Unit 5 out of the ring as the crowd gives a pretty loud cheer.

SW: Well...I guess we should wait for BigBOSS to pick up his manhood and get out of the ring so we can move this show along. What is our next match, Heidi?

NH: Do you really care?

SW: No.

NH: Neither do I.

Voice Over: TRAIN!

["Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne hit the speakers as Hallucination Boy began to walk the aisle.]

MA: The following contest is set to start now. Introducing first. From the wrong side of the train tracks. Hallucination Boy!

IAE: Isthay uygay isway azycray, anmay. Atchway isthay omeshay...AINTRAY!

[Hallucination Boy dives for cover, falling into the lap of J.C. Long.]

SW: BWAHAHAHA!

MMR1: He must think you're Da Sassy Bitch, dude!

JCL: I'M NOT GAY! I mean, uh, Da Sassy Bitch ain't guy, dogg. Word.

MA: And his opponent.

[The BOB original track you will never hear, "Harrrdcore," featuring Britney, Christina and Sleazy-C hit the speakers.]

MA: Britney Smears! Let's get it on in mud! Did I just say that out loud? Whoops.

SW: This should be another sub-par match.

NH: Lockup. Smears with a go behind. Hallucination Boy with a reverse go-behind. Smears with a reverse go-behind. Um...another reversal. And another. And another. And another.

[Two minutes later.]

NH: And another.

BS: *Pshaw* You know what? Screw this. I quit. This guy can't remember how to wrestle. I can't deal with this. I'll be getting a manicure from that bum on the street. Later.

[Generic Ref looks at Hallucination Boy. Hallucination Boy shrugs. Generic Ref shakes his head and calls for the bell sound effect.]

MA: The winner of the match by submission, Halluciination Boy.

[The crowd just kind of looks at each other, confused. Very, very confused.]

SW: It's the Drudleyz! Thank God. They're attacking Hallucination Boy.

IAE: Udleyday Eathday Opdray ofway Oomday!

D-Van: Brother Hallucination. With your delusions and your insanity and your cheap-ass wardrobe. You have been found guilty in the Drudley Court of law of breaking the 19th Drudley Commandment. Thou shalt not duck out of the way when I'm trying to hit you with a chair and instead make me chairshot Rubba Ray in the face, busting him wide open!

Rubba Ray: Yeah! Fuck you, you fucking fucker!

NH: Where's Coma to help out his partner?

[Backstage, in the lockerroom, Coma and Small Tyke Drudley are staring up at the ceiling, waving their hands in front of their faces.]

STD: Look at all the colors.

Coma: Hand, hand, hand, yur! Neep!

[We head elsewhere backstage now. Kay Fabe, Seth Harker, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot are in the theater of the Satellite of Love, watching a clip of Misty Waters' newest film, "The Clitoris Ring 2."]

Kay: So when are you and Trey actually going to do a new MSTie?

Seth: I don't know. Plans are anti-apathetic.

Kay: Cool.

Tom: My God, the acting in this movie is horrible. Seth, can we start MSTing softcore porn movies?

Crow: Yeah! We all know that every wrestling federation is a joke. Let's expose the world to the patheticness of softcore pornography.

[Suddenly, the film begins flipping and the foursome is left staring at a white screen.]

Seth: Comabot? What's going on back there.

Comabot: *Muffled* Narf.

Crow: The heck?

[The door of the theater crashes open.]

The Bride: What is wrong with you people? What is so special about Misty Waters and her breasts?

Kay: Breasts are cool.

Seth: What she said.

Bride: Pornography is not cool. It exploits women! And it makes men leave their fiancees at the altar. You see this? (she asks, holding up shreds of film). This is what I think of Misty's film. (She drops it and stomps on it before storming out of the theater.)

Kay: Jealous, much?

Seth: What are we gonna do now?

Kay: Wanna make out?

Crow: Sure! C'mon over, you hot little redhead!

Tom: No! Ignore him. They call me Servo for a reason!

Seth: Can it, bots. She was talking to me. You were talking to me, right?

Kay: Of course, silly. Let's go.

[Back to ringside.]

SW: The hell? SETH HARKER REFORMED KAY FABE? This is too surreal, even for BOB!

{"Fuck And Run" by Liz Phair hit the speakers back in the arena.]

SW: Woohoo! It's time for some T&A! It's the star of the hot new softcore flick, "The Clitoris Ring 2," available now at your local stores where all you perverts buy porn.

NH: Where do you buy yours, Scotty?

SW: Yeah, right. I illegally download all my films, Heidi. Hey, who are you calling?

NH: The police. Then the FBI. Then maybe the Screen Actor's Guild. You just confessed to a crime. You must pay. Hello? Hi, yes, my name is Nurse Heidi and I'm calling from Brawlers On a Budget.

SW: Heidi!

NH: Yes. I'm calling to report that a Mr. Scotty Whatbody has just confessed to illegally downloading pirated copywritten material from the Internet.

SW: Damnit. I gotta go find BigBOSS and find his nearest rathole to hide until this blows over. Later, Igpay. And I'll get you, Heidi! *Thumpity thump thump*

IAE: Amnday, Iway idn'tday owknay Ottyscay ouldcay ovemay atthay astfay!

NH: So sad Scotty had to go. Hehe. He is just too gullible. I wasn't really calling anybody. These aren't off-peak hours after all. How stupid is he?

MR: I have something I need to say. And I want to say it to The Bride. And I'm not leaving this ring until The Bride comes out here and this segment is over.

IAE: Ellway, unlikeway erhay appearanceway inway "Ethay Itorisclay Ingray 2," Istymay isway ullyfay othedclay onighttay. E'sshay ookinglay ightymay oodgay oughthay inway osethay eeknay ighhay ootsbay, atthay ackblay inimay irtskay andway atthay ighttay urplepay optay. Ahway ethay ingsthay I'dway ovelay otay oday otay erhay, esseway!

["Battle Without Honor or Humanity" hits the speakers.]

NH: Stop rubbing your groin, please. And here comes The Bride.

IAE: (Singing) Allway esseddray inway itewhay.

NH: This isn't sing along with Heidi time.

Bride: What do you want, Misty? I'm busy going around and ripping up your film and breaking your DVDs and peeing on the broken bits of your film and DVDs. Those films are not going to rip themselves and those DVDs are not gonna break themselves. And they're also not going to pee on themselves. (She guzzles from a bottle of water).

[Misty kicks the bottle out of The Bride's hand. It spills all over the mat. The Bride looks down at the bottle of spilled water.]

Bride: I paid 75 cents for that bottle of water, bitch!

MR: Well, why don't you bend over and I'll give you the other 50 cents worth. I hear that's your going rate out on the corner.

[The crowd hoots and hollers. So does Scotty, who then remembers the feds are after him, and he continues running out of the building.]

Bride: Just so you know. When I decide it's time to kick your chubby ass, it isn't going to be some sort of bra and panties mud wrestling paddle on a pole pillow fight.

["Apathy" by 1000 Homo DJs hits the speakers. Out walks Trey Vincent to the ring.]

TV: Actually, Bride, it WILL be a bra and panties mud wrestling paddle on a pole pillow fight.

[The crowd pops.]

TV: Degradation is the game, Trey Vincent is the champion. Later, sex kittens.

["Apathy" by 1000 Homo DJs hits the speakers. Trey Vincent leaves the ring.]

NH: Misty grabs The Bride by the hair. She flips her over by the hair. And now it's her newest move. The Misty Mountain Stomp! It's just like the Garvin stomp, but sexier. Misty stomps the Bride's arm. Her stomach. Her leg. Her other leg. Her other arm. And her face!

IAE: Iway on'tday owknay at'swhay onnagay inway, Eidihay. Ymay oodyway, orway ymay antspay.

NH: You are so disgusting.

[The place? Backstage. The time? Now. The people? XXXtreme Machine and the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt. XXXtreme Machine also was walking with the ring hammer he had stolen earlier this morning. BigBOSS suddenly blocked their path to the ring.]

BigB: Hello, XXXtreme Machine.

XM: wat up boss/

BigB: I'm sorry, I just can't allow you to go to the ring with the ring hammer. You could go out there with it for all I care, use it in an attempt to screw over Death to win the match or what have you. But, The Flunky is rather adamant that you return it to him. Or else he's gonna kick your ass. In the parking lot. AFTER the show. You see where I'm going with this? He kicks your ass when it's not televised. That does me no good. So give me the ring hammer and I'll go give it back to The Flunky and I'll save you from a beating.

[XXXtreme Machine slowly hands BigBOSS the hammer.

YGBKIADTAYOOYFMTB: ...

XM: teh fuk m I spost 2 do bicth/

BigB: Oh, and you better not hang out with that belt much longer, if you don't want Mr. Paradox to rip your insides out and then feed them to you.

[We head out to the ring.]

MA: It's time for the main event of the morning. Coming out first to the ring, accompanied by XXXtreme Machine, the You Gotta Be Kidding, I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt!

["Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing" by Discharge blasts over the speakers as XXXtreme Machine brings the title belt to the ring.]

NH: I guess the belt is looking for some retribution from last year when Death defeated the Hardcore Title Belt to become the hardcore champion. Or whenever that was. Two years ago? Who knows.

IAE: Iway etbay Ottyscay ouldway avehay ownknay. Osay unprofessionalway.

NH: Don't make me call immigration on you. I'll send you back to Pig Latin America in a heartbeat.

IAE: Icenay ytray. Esethay aren'tway offway-eakpay ourshay.

NH: That's OK. They have an 800 number

IAE: Itshay.

MA: And its opponent...

["Them Bones" by Alice In Chains begins playing.]

MA: From the Netherworld. This, isssss, DEATH!

NH: The Million-Dollar Entity is looking sharp in his designer cloak and with that gold scythe. He is still making a killing in the stock market. He gets richer every day, but he still wants to wrestle in BOB for some strange reason.

IAE: Eathday ancay oday ateverwhay ehay antsway. Owhay ancay opstay imhay? Iway ighlyhay oubtday EmexXXtray Achinemay, atthay itletay eltbay, emay, ouyay orway anybodyway ouldcay ontrolcay Eathday.

[Flunky rings the bell with his returned hammer.]

NH: And the match opens with a belt and buckle tie-up. Knee lift. Knee lift. Knee lift. Death lifts up the title belt. Side slam. XXXtreme Machine is up on the apron. Death lifts up the belt.

IAE: Owlay owblay ybay ethay eltbay. Utbay Eathday isway allway onesbay, andway atthay oesn'tday urthay ethay Illionmay Ollarday Entityway oneway itbay.

NH: XXXtreme Machine charges into the ring. Death simply steps out of the way and XXXtreme Machine falls through the ropes head first. Death picks up the belt. POWERBOMB! This one's all over. One. Two. Three! Uh oh! XXXtreme Machine grabs the ring bell from the Flunky again. The Flunky knocks XXXtreme Machine out! What a punch!

IAE: AHAHAHABWAY!

NH: Wow, you even laugh in Pig Latin?

IAE: Atchnay, esseway.

NH: Well, I guess that's the show. For Scotty Whatbody and Igpay Atinolay Eathay, I'm Nurse Heidi. Put down that beer and go to bed! See you next time!


©2005 OBBAY Estlingwray!

 

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Brawlers On a Budget is an online fantasy parody wrestling sports entertainment federation (or e-fed) designed to be somewhat funny.

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