[Opening music. Fireworks. Explosions. A screaming crowd. BOB doesn't have any of these things. But we are on tape from the Eyebrow Dome in The Rock, Georgia, and here are Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi to guide you through Chloroform 18.]
SW: We are off and gasping for air. It must be 3 a.m. And it must be another low-budget edition of Chloroform.
NH: And Dennis is in the ring to start the show.
SW: That'll pop the ratings.
Dennis: Good day, all. Dennis here. Every wrestler who steps into this ring takes a chance, especially with how poorly put together these rings are. And with how untrained the other wrestlers are. But one member of the BOB roster who is not afraid of taking risks is the same member of the BOB roster who last week laid out a challenge to none other than...douja!
[Those few who still remember douja cheer a bit at the mention of the former multiple champion.]
Dennis: MY guest is...Unit 5!
[Pretty big pop for the washing machine. Isn't it sad when an inanimate object gets a bigger pop than a human being? Poor douja. And here comes The Flunky, driving out Unit 5 on a forklift. He drives down the aisle and carefully places Unit 5 in the ring before backing up, making that *BEEP, BEEP, BEEP* noise.]
Dennis: Bloody hell, I can't be arsed to keep interviewing this bleedin' washing machine. So, Unit 5, what makes you think you can defeat douja? It's not like you're in a battle royal and you're too heavy to throw over the top rope. Yeah, you won March Mayhem last year. But what have you done lately?
Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*
Dennis: Don't get your knickers in a twist, old bean.
Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*
Dennis: Well, you may be in for a surprise when you step into the ring with a BOB veteran like douja. And speaking of surprises. I've got a surprise for you, young machine. My other guest faced douja at two previous occasions during March Mayhem. He one won and lost the other. My guest is....BOHEMOTH!
SW: And there he is. Looking fatter than ever. What a fatty fat fat. I hope the aisle is wide enough to accommodate him.
NH: Be nice, Scotty. That could be you in a day or two.
NH: You're pretty portly yourself there.
SW: Bohemoth is so fat he shows up on radar. He's so fat he leaves footprints on concrete. Bo is so fat when he steps on a scale, it says "to be continued."
NH: Oh stop it.
SW: I have to talk about something while he makes his way to the ring, don't I? I mean, Bo is so fat he has his own area code. He's so fat that NASA orbits satellites around him. Bo's so fat he plays hopscotch like, "Texas...Alabama...North Carolina...Pennsylvania."
NH: We get the point. It's great to see Bo again.
SW: Speaking of Bo, he's so fat he has to wake up in sections. He has so many chins that it looks like he's staring at you over a pile of pancakes.
NH: *Sigh* You know he's going to kill you when he hears this.
SW: If he can catch me. But maybe I'm unfair. Bo's not fat. He's just four feet too short for his weight. Man, I heard a rumor that Bohemoth caused that fatal tsunami a while back in Asia when he went swimming.
NH: Were you up all night writing these jokes?
SW: Was I!
Dennis: The former ONLY WORLD CHAMP THAT MATTERS. Welcome, Bo!
Bo: Let me tell you, Dennis, it's good to be back in BOB!
[The crowd cheers.]
SW: Bo is so fat that when he steps on a scale it says "No livestock, please!" BWAHAHAHA!
NH: Shut up already!
SW: What? He's only back so I could use my arsenal of fat jokes and to probably put over Unit 5 while collecting a pay check to go grocery shopping.
Bo: I know the guys who put together Unit 5 at the factory. I have respect for them. They're hard working folks. But I don't know about this Unit 5 fellow.
SW: Bo's just used to refrigerators!
Bo: I see that Unit 5 has never held a title in BOB. I think you might still be under warranty, and that's good news for you, Unit 5. Because the way you're going around, making all sorts of rumblings in the parody wrestling world, you're making a deadly enemy in douja.
Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*
Bo: You talk a good game. But I think I need to show you some impact. About 500 pounds of impact!
SW: Bohemoth charges at Unit 5!
SW: It's the immovable object and the irresistible force. And I don't know which one is which. Though I think Bo fits the immovable object better.
NH: Bohemoth tries to pick up Unit 5 for a slam, but oh! Unit 5's door flies open, smacking Bo in the face and sending him to the mat in a heap!
SW: Oh baby! The whole ring just collapsed inward! Unit 5 is still standing, but Bohemoth is buried under the wrestling ring!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
SW: Well, he is a fat bastard, but Bo still can take a bump! I hope he didn't break his leg, though, because gravy will be pouring all over the floor.
Crowd: Unit 5! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* Unit 5! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
SW: And Unit 5 is standing there. How are we supposed to have an event now? Ugh. Let's go to commercial.
A show so controversial that nobody wants to sponsor it. A show so big that pay-per-view couldn't contain it. A show too long that Comedy Central can't sacrifice any of its precious air time. *Grumble grumble* BOB presents, VIRGIN SUMMER!
No wait, that's the old name.
*Ahem* BOB presents, Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive!
Exclusively, live, as it happens, unrestricted, on BOB-On-Demand, available at bobwrestling.com!
BOB's Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive! Coming soon!
SW: Wow, how about that? BOB is doing it's second-ever exclusive bobwrestling.com Web-cast. Guess those declining pay-per-view buys just weren't worth the extra effort.
NH: Nah, probably just less money that BigBOSS has to declare. He can claim nobody bought anything, and there'll be no paperwork to prove otherwise.
SW: Well, I hope all our fans have high-speed Internet access so they can have it load up quickly and not get booted off by AOL every five seconds. Well, back to now. We have no wrestling ring, and BigBOSS is walking towards the disaster area. So I imagine he's gonna tell us what's going on for the rest of the night.
BigB: Hello, The ROCK!
BigB: How's it going?
Crowd: Good, how are you!
BigB: Just lovely. Thanks. So, I bet you're all wondering what we're going to do now that our ring has been destroyed. Well. Since I run this fed, I have decided that the show will go on. We have five matches. And tonight, those five matches will take place in five different places.
BigB: In our first match, Hallucination Boy will take on both members of the Drudley Boyz...in the parking lot! Christina Gaguilera will do battle with Skeeter at the concession area. Our special tag team match will take place in an office backstage. Sir Zeno will face Kay Fabe in a falls count anywhere match out here. And in our main event, Sarah and Dr. Thrilla will battle up on the roof.
Fan: So why did we pay for these seats if none of the matches are going to be in the arena?
Another fan: Yeah!
BigBOSS: Fair enough. The fans can all come wherever the match is. Generic Ref will lead everybody around between matches.
Fan: Can we get some free popcorn?
BigBOSS: Heck no! I may be generous, but I'm not insane!
Violent Pacifist: When are you gonna give us new contracts!
Massive Man Rendition First, Hardcore JJ, Sir Hungalot, Jean Bannister and Jim: Yeah!
BigB: When your outrageous demands come down. I'm on a very tight budget. Everyone needs to tighten their belt and make sacrifices. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fill in as the third commentator tonight. Enjoy the show everyone.
SW: Hey, BigB. Got your special gold-plated headphones here.
NH: Are these your Cuban cigars?
BigB: Of course. You think Scotty could afford those on what I pay him?
MA: Will everyone please follow Generic Ref out to the parking lot!
BigB: See? We had a nice, normal show planned out, but who could have foreseen the ring breaking with Bohemoth and a washing machine in there?
SW: Didn't Trey ask that question at the booking meeting?
BigB: Anyway. Who could have seen it coming. Well, let's head out to the parking lot, shall we?
NH: Well, last time we were with you, Hallucination Boy thought he saw a train coming just as D-Van was winding up to whack him with a chair, and instead he hit Rubba Ray, busting him open.
BigB: Right. So, the Drudleyz asked me for a two on one match, and I said fine. Made sense to me.
NH: That's not fair, BOSS. Two on one?
BigB: Hmm...when you put it like that...
SW: It's too late now, because here comes Hallucination Boy. Looks like the Drudleyz were already outside getting in a pre-match smoke.
[Somebody off-camera bangs a pipe on the pavement three times. I guess that's the bell?]
SW: The Drudleyz charge Hallucination Boy and clothesline him to the ground. The Drudz are stomping away on Hallucination Boy, who must feel like the train finally got him.
NH: What is STD doing out there?
BigB: Small Tyke Drudley has a pair of chairs. I hope they don't break those or it's coming out of their salary.
SW: The Drudleyz are waiting on Hallucination Boy to get up. He's on his knees. He's up to one leg. Man, the Drudleyz sure are patient. And now Hallucination Boy is on his feet. They swing!
Hallucination Boy: TRAIN! *Dives*
NH: Rubba Ray hit D-Van and D-Van hit Rubba Ray almost simultaneously! Rubba Ray falls face down into the concrete and D-Van falls backward to the ground. Hallucination Boy climbs on top of D-Van!
SW: No way!
GR: One! Two! Three! Hit the pavement!
***CLANG CLANG CLANG***
MA: The winner of the match, Hallucination Boy!
BigB: Wow, what a shocker, huh?
SW: What a lame ass ending to that match. There was barely any blood. And why did Small Tyke Drudley just stand there just watching the sky melt and drip onto him?
NH: Questions best asked another day.
SW: Hallucination Boy pulls the upset and he's getting out of there before the Drudleyz regain their...YIKES. Look how bloody Rubba Ray is!
NH: D-Van is busted open too.
SW: He is? It's so hard to tell with--
SW: Uh...the bad lighting outside? Anyway...uh...let's go backstage and see what's going on elsewhere on this kooky night.
[Backstage, Sir Zeno walked into the Dimension-Z zone.]
Sir Zeno: Ah, Dr. Thrilla, there you are.
DT: *Metal clanging*
SZ: You know, if you were to bite Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" with those bear-trap teeth later this morning, thereby forcing her to miss her opportunity to fight me for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at On Your Hard Drive, that wouldn't be a bad thing. In fact, if you were to bite her, leave her bloody and unconscious, remove her intestines and replace them with a rubber hose, that would be a good thing. Because I am going to be the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
DT: *Metal clanging*
SZ: Yes, I know how horrible your life is. So why not go make Sarah's worse this morning. Toss her off the roof. Throw her through the roof for all I care. Just make sure she doesn't get to On Your Hard Drive. Because if you think your life is horrific now, it's nothing compared to what I can do to you to further the horror that is your existence.
DT: *Metal clanging* (He holds up a rusty scalpel.) *Metal clanging*
[Elsewhere backstage, Misty Waters was strutting her stuff when she bumped into XXXtreme Machine, knocking him to the floor.]
XM: hy btich wacht wh3r ur goin
MW: Oh, it's you. Hey, did you see what I did to The Bride last week. I totally kicked her water out of her hand and cost her 75 cents in the process. Pretty cool, huh?
XM: wat r u taklin abut?
MW: I sure could use some more practice kicking stuff.
Atomo The Living Robot: ATOMO-COULDN'T-HELP-BUT-HEAR-THAT-YOU-NEED-HELP. ATOMO'S-HAS-A-SOLID-METAL-FRAME-IF-YOU-WOULD-LIKE-TO-KICK-YOUR-SEXY-LEGS-ALL-OVER-ATOMO'S-BODY! ASSUMING-OF-COURSE-THAT-YOU-WILL-SIGN-MY-COPY-OF-YOUR-LATEST-DVD-THE-CLITORIS-RING-2.
MW: Sure, I can sign that for you. Thanks, Atomo. So, did you like the movie?
MW: Sweet. Then my job is done. Alright. You ready?
Atomo: THERE-IS-A-99-PERCENT-CHANCE-THAT-I-AM. HA-HA-HA.
MW: Wow, you tell jokes, too? You're a pretty cool robot.
[Misty kicks at Atomo. Atomo grabs her leg and holds it against his side. She tries kicking him with the other leg and he also catches it again. Now, Atomo is holding Misty up in the air by both her legs.]
MW: I didn't think robots could get wood.
XM: wat teh fuk? Hey can I dddle u msty?
[Atomo lets Misty down. Misty winks at Atomo. Atomo nods. Both of them wind up and kick XXXtreme Machine in the nuts!]
XM: o fuk me!
Atomo: NICE-WORK-MISTY. YOU-ARE-THE-MOST-IMPRESSIVE-FEMALE-I-HAVE-EVER-SEEN.
MW: Thanks. Sorry, I've just never been hit on by a robot before. It's all new and crazy for me. *Teehee*
[Backstage, Seth Harker is talking on a cell phone.]
Seth: I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid. You're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you.
[He clicks the END button.]
TV: Are you trying to get BOB sued again?
Seth: Yeah, think it'll work?
TV: Stealing copywritten material? It's worth a shot. So anyway. I see that you're pretty much healed. So...wanna reform our tag team for no real reason?
Seth: What, work? This morning? I have a lot of deep thoughts to ponder.
[He grabs a spoon.]
TV: Fuck the spoon.
Seth: What spoon? There is no spoon. You know, Trey. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
TV: Alrighty then. Well, tonight, Harker and Vincent reform to take on one of the greatest tag teams in the history of parody sports entertainment! Wooga!
Seth: Who? Trey? Where are you going? I don't like the sound of this. I think I'm going to need chairs. Lots of chairs.
SW: Who is the iAd going to sports entertain tonight?
MA: Is everyone here? I hope so. Our next match will be a Concession Area Brawl. Introducing first, Christina Gaguilera. And her opponent, John "Skeeter" Skeet! LET'S GET IT ON!
[Somebody bangs on the wall with a pipe three times.]
SW: And here we go.
CA: Dude. What is with the mosquito outfit? Is this 1985 or something? You are so not real. You're such a fake, you know that?
JS: What, I don't make a good mosquito? I made the crowds cheer back in high school as the mascot.
CA: Well, I'm gonna squash you like a bug anyway.
JS: Squash me like a bug? Brilliant! Could I possible get harrrdcore with you before you kill me, as a dying wish?
CA: Hells no!
JS: Blast! Oh, by the way, Christina. You're not really brilliant. You're...a bitch!
CA: I'm not just another bimbo, bug-boy. I'm like an ocean. I'm really deep, and if you look deep enough, you'll find exotic treasures.
JS: You are sooo blonde. Oh my God!
JS: Look! It's Colin Farrell!
JS: Can I have a bag of popcorn please? Extra butter.
CA: I don't SEE him? Where is he?
JS: There you go.
SW: Skeeter has a bag of popcorn. He pulls Christina around and shoves the bag into her mouth.
CA: *Mmmph mmmph*!
JS: Guess what girlfriend. It's got extra butter! Swallow it, bitch!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! That's something I would say.
BigB: I don't know if I approve of language like this. I'm highly opposed to such dirty language.
NH: So why do you keep Scotty employed?
BigB: He's cheap. Ahh, there's my answer. You get what you pay for, I guess. Oh well. If the censors can't take it, the heck with 'em.
SW: Christina spitting out the popcorn. Guess we can answer the question if she spits or swallows. She must think semen has too many calories.
BigB: She is a thin girl. Wait...semen? What are you saying, Scotty?
CA: You bastard! I am gonna...
JS: I'm so BRILLIANT!
SW: Oh no! Christina has unleashed her dreaded version of singing! Skeeter collapses to the floor, along with many of the fans who came to the show this morning, grasping at their bleeding ears. Christina kicks Skeeter in the face. Now she grabs both of his feet. OW! Punch to the balls! Now Skeeter will be singing soprano.
NH: Christina makes the cover. One. Two. Three. It's all over.
SW: Well, that was...bizarre. Well, we'll be right back after this.
We don't have an ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS? Or somebody holding the Swiss Army Belt. And nobody is wearing tag team gold? We know. We're gonna solve this problem with our BOB-On-Demand event we like to call SEND US MONEY: ON YOUR HARD DRIVE.
If you're 45 or 12, as long as you've got hold of a legit credit card, we don't care if you watch. Because we'll get the money, even if you claim the card was stolen. MWAHAHAHA.
All you need is the Internet and three...heh, who am I kidding...two hours and 10 minutes if you're lucky. Log on to bobwrestling.com to sign up now. SEND US MONEY: ON YOUR HARD DRIVE is coming.
On the Web, there are no rules. You could do everything short of killing or raping somebody. So as long as Festering Death doesn't return, we should be all set.
Order early and often!
SW: OK, we are back. Where are we now?
NH: It looks like the crowd has been crammed into an office somewhere backstage. I see a desk there. A fern. Some paintings on the wall.
MA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a tag team match. Now, since there are no ropes and no ring, the way the tags will work is that is a door. One member of each team will fight in here. The other two will wait outside the door for a tag. This will not be fought under tornado tag team rules. Are we clear? OK then. Introducing first, back together for the first time since 2004, representing the incurable Apathy disorder, Trey Vincent, Seth Harker, the iAd!
[The crowd cheers.]
MA: And their opponents. Making their BOB debut. From New York, it is Hector and Jesus Ramirez, the Siamese Twins!
BigB: Ah, yes. It is truly my pleasure to introduce the first ever conjoined tag team in parody wrestling history!
SW: They're joined at the hip! Literally! BWAHAHAHAHA!
BigB: That's right, Scotty. Two heads. Two arms. Three legs. You thought it was entertaining to see a skinny kid with no leg wrestling. Well, fans, you ain't seen nothing yet until you see what these guys can do!
[Somebody bangs on the trash can three times.]
TV: You want to start, Seth?
Seth: Not really, Trey.
TV: Fine. I'll start.
GR: Alright, boys, one of you has to get out of the room.
HR: Umm...we're kinda conjoined, genius.
GR: Don't give me no lip, boy. This is a tag team match. One of you has to get in the hallway.
JR: Hey, man, the doctors couldn't separate us, or we'd die. What are you gonna do to us?
GR: One of you is going into that hallway or I'm gonna disqualify you for disobeying a direct order! This is not a tornado tag team match.
[Hector and Jesus just stare at each other for a second, and then at Generic Ref.]
JR: Are you retarded, man?
GR: That's it. Hit the garbage can. This one's over.
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Maybe they'd have more luck wrestling in singles.
BigB: No, they're a tag team. Two minds. Two hearts. Three legs. Two arms.
NH: Hmm...I wonder how many penises.
BigB: Heidi! Calm down.
NH: Sorry. They are kinda cute.
MA: The winners, as a result of a disqualification, Trey Vincent and Seth Harker, the iAd!
SW: The crowd doesn't like it, but I find it hilarious. Only in BOB will you get Siamese twins. Oh, fans, we're all going to hell for laughing at these unfortunate twins. But it's a hell of a ride, ain't it?
[Backstage, Dr. Thrilla, the bald maniac dressed in bloody clothing, was gently rubbing a stop sign when Death entered the room. Dr. Thrilla jumped up and hit Death in the head with the stop sign.]
Death: Do you mind? You can't hurt Death with a flimsy aluminum sign.
DT: *Metal clanking*
Death: Relax, Thrilla, I'm not here to kill you. Yet. BWAHAHAHA. I kill me. Well, not literally. Because Death, oddly, can't be killed. Strange fact. Hey, so I heard you got a main event match tonight against Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." Yeah, yeah, that's just great. I only main evented last week's show and got the highest rated segment of the show, but that's OK.
DT: *Metal clanking*
Death: That's right. We killed the competition in the ratings when I was in the main event last week. Just remember that tonight when you're out there, in your very first match, against Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." And remember that in this world, I can kill you. So stay out of my main event spot. She's destroyed the lives of countless jobbers before. And I have a feeling, that tonight, she's gonna end your pathetic life.
DT: *Metal clanking*
[Dr. Thrilla hits Death in the head with the stop sign again and stabs him with his rusty scalpel.]
Death: Hey, watch the threads, metal mouth. You can't do anything to me, I'm Death! Ah, screw it.
[Death touches Dr. Thrilla, who collapses in a heap on the floor. Death leaves. We go to the Flimsy Announce Desk®.]
SW: Hey, it's the Bride. What are you doing here.
Bride: You know what? I'm sick to death with Misty Waters. And now Trey Vincent has booked me and her to fight live on BOB-On-Demand at Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive in a bra and panties mud wrestling paddle on a pole pillow fight. And I got to thinking, what do these two things have in common. Then it hit me. So now, I'm deciding to hit back.
[The Bride kicks Heidi in the head. Scotty and BigBOSS flee for safety as The Bride climbs up onto the Flimsy Announce Desk. She pulls Heidi up and gets her in position for a piledriver.]
[The crowd, no doubt, would've gone crazy for that spot, if they were back in the arena. But Generic Ref forgot to bring them back inside for the next match. The Bride looked around at the arena, hoping for some major heel heat. But instead, all she got was nothing from a bunch of chairs. She put on Heidi's headset.
TB: How do you like that, Trey? Huh? You, Misty, Heidi. You can all shove your heads up your own asses, eat shit and die!
[Cut to Trey.]
TV: I don't like this, not a bit...
Attendant: I'm sorry sir. We're out of beer.
TV: You're fired!
Attendant: You can't fire me. I don't work for you.
TV: Damnit! Ah well, I guess I should see what's going on with BOB since I am Vice President in Charge of Everything.
[He walks out to the empty arena and sees Scotty and BigBOSS running away from the announce position. He sees Heidi down and the Bride screaming for him.]
TV: Hey! Nobody attacks my nurse!
Bride: Until next time, gentle viewer. Enjoy the rest of the show without this superbitch!
[Trey chases after the Bride but then decides to give up the chase and check on Heidi.]
TV: Damn...Are you OK to have sex with me later?
[Heidi sticks up a middle finger at him. While that mess progresses, let's head backstage to Sir Zeno and Dr. Thrilla once again.]
Zeno: I cannot believe Death killed you.
DT: *Metal clanging*
Zeno: Well, Death's time is going to come. He will pay. Death is no match for Mr. Paradox, he's already learned that lesson. Now, as for you. Shake off the rigor mortis and get ready to go. Because you have got to focus on hurting Sarah. Bite off her knee cap. Don't have any mercy. She may be a girl, but she's a little bit tough.
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer": Wow, that was almost the tiniest hint of respect.
[Zeno spins around to come face to face with Sarah.]
STJS: Hey, Zeno.
Zeno: Hello, dead meat. You're mighty brave, coming in here.
STJS: Well, the door was open. And your back was turned. What's a girl supposed to do but come in here and check out the, *cough* competition?
Zeno: Dr. Thrilla is unlike any other jobber you have ever defeated before.
STJS: Yeah. His teeth are shinier.
Zeno: Quip all you want, bitch, but just remember something.
STJS: And what's that, Sir Snoro?
Zeno: He is gonna eat you alive and you won't even make it to On Your Hard Drive.
STJS: I'll make his teeth part of the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, after I beat YOU for that. Later...
Zeno: I would kill you where you stand if it wasn't in my contract! You hear me?
[Sarah moves her fingers like a mouth as she continues walking away.]
[Back to the announce area.]
Britney Smears: Oh, my like, god! Poor Heidi! But I'm here to take over and do stuff. So like, let's get going.
SW: I've got to say, Britney, of all the things I miss, I missed your behind the most.
BS: Thanks, Scotty.
SW: Sure. Alright. Up next, Sir Zeno and Kay Fabe should be having themselves one heck of a falls count anywhere match. The fans are back in the arena.
BS: There's Kay, yay! She's sooo cool and stuff. Oh no! Sir Zeno just jumped her from behind!
SW: That's something I wouldn't mind doing.
BS: What? Jumping Kay from behind?
SW: Yeah! Kay with an elbow and she drives Zeno face first into the wall. But Zeno grabs Kay and whips her around back first into the wall. I didn't hear a bell or any sort of indicator to say this thing started, but we'll just assume it's all legal now since Generic Ref is out there.
BS: My god, Kay's hair looks soooo hot. Isn't she hot?
SW: Like totally! For sure!
SW: Kay winds up and punches Zeno. And again. She licks her palm. SLAP~!
BS: Bitch slap! Go girlfriend!
SW: Zeno responds with a kick to Kay's thin belly. Zeno punches her in the head, sending her to the floor. Kay crawling on her knees. Low blow! Kay picks up Zeno and drops him face first on the back of a chair.
BS: She's laying the carpet down on his punk ass! Yeah!
SW: Kay stomps on Zeno. He grabs a chair and spins around, slamming it into her midsection.
SW: Holy hell! He just knocked her lights out with that chair shot to the skull! Zeno goes for the cover! One! Two! Thre-
BS: She kicked out! Hahaha! Yeah, Zeno. Sir Zero! Ha!
SW: You are just a laugh riot. Take off your top.
SW: Oddly, I miss Heidi. Wait, are you really taking off your top?
BS: Yeah. BigBOSS said to do whatever you said, except getting totally naked or having sex with you.
SW: Damn you BigBOSS! Zeno knees the top of Kay's head. How brutal. She drags Kay up by the hair and tries for a slam. Kay slips behind. Cloudydale leg sweep! She's going for a sharpshooter! She's got it!
GR: You wanna give it up, Zeno?
SZ: Not in a million years.
GR: Sure, you say that now, but in ten minutes, you'll start to cramp up really bad. Your legs will start to go numb. Then your brain will shut down. And then where will you be tough guy?
SW: Zeno with a surge pushes his way free of the hold. He grabs a chair and tosses it to Kay. He charges with a thrust kick, but she steps aside.
SW: Zeno is popped in the skull! Oh my! She spreads his legs apart. Headbutt to the crotch! Oh, man, I wish her head was between my legs!
[Cut to Seth Harker.]
SH: Watch it, Scotty.
[Back to the fight on the floor.]
SW: Damn it, why must everybody ruin my fun! Kay lifts up Zeno. She's going for Kay's Bottom! Zeno is about to feel Kay's Bottom! No! He elbows her in the temple. Zeno grabs Kay by the throat.
BS: Oh god no! Kay! Yeah! She got free! Kay's Bottom! She hit it!
SW: Look out! Here comes Mr. Paradox!
BS: One! Two! Paradox pulls Kay off Zeno. She hits him, hits him, licks her palm. BITCH SLAP~! Paradox drops the sword. Kay grabs it!
SW: Zeno's back up. He pulls the sword away, grabs her by the throat. It's The Eternal Question! Zeno hit it. The sword goes flying!
Fan: OH MY GOD! Somebody call a medic! He's been hit!
SW: Zeno with the cover! One! Two! Three! Zeno beat Kay Fabe!
BS: Who's that?
SW: It's Steve Studnuts! What's he doing back in BOB today? He sneaks up behind Paradox! Death Valley Of The Sun Driver! He clothesline Zeno down from behind. He covers Paradox! One! Two! Three! No way! Steve Studnuts, thanks to the 16/6 rule has just become the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion!
BS: You've got to be kidding me! God!
SW: What a shocker! The crowd is going wild! What a shocker. The iAd is doing it's thing once again. Pushing themselves to the moon. What's next?
MA: Would everyone please follow Generic Ref to the roof for the main event. Thank you.
BS: Oh my God, I just don't know, Scotty. Where's Heidi's script? Oh, there it is. Let's see. It looks like Heidi was supposed to run down the card for the BOB-On-Demand Webcast. So I guess I should, like, do it, huh?
SW: Sure. Nice bra, by the way.
BS: Thanks! Victoria's Secret had such a nice sale. Oh my god. I so cleaned up. OK. So here's what BOB's got set up for it's totally cool Webcast. In the main event, Sir Zeno will take on Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" for the vacant ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Misty Waters will battle in a bra and panties mud wrestling paddle on a pole pillow fight. We've got the four team ladder match featuring moi and Christina against the Drudleyz, The Icons and Coma and Hallucination Boy. And that's it so far. More matches coming soon! Stay tuned for more on Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive!
Kevin: Excus3 m3!
SW: What the hell was that noise?
KtP: Maybe this will remind j00! PYROMANIA~!!!!!1
KtP: It's Kevin The Pyromaniac! Look at the TinyTron you jackoff!
SW: Oh, Kevin! Forgot all about you!
KtP: Exactly! What the hell is going on? I'm not booked for BOB's mighty return? My four-way dance with Sharc, Ken and Mano is dropped like it was some sort of WWE angle. I should be part of Chloroform. But I should definitely burn someone's ass at On Your Hard Drive!
SW: I don't book the shows, genius.
KtP: BOB is racist! PYROMANIACS UNITE~!!!!!!11
SW: Pyromaniacs aren't a race of people, dude.
KtP: Don't hate on me, Scotty!!! You SUXORS!
SW: OK. Thanks for joining us, Kevin. Hope to see you in the ring sometime this century.
KtP: I am UNDEFEATED in 2005, Scotty! That deserves something!
SW: Can somebody unplug that TV already? Let's head backstage.
KtP: This isn't over. PYROMANIA OWNZ J00!!!!!!111
[The trainer's door. Misty Waters comes out where Atomo The Living Robot is waiting.]
Atomo: Is she going to live?
MW: She flipped me off twice, so I assume so, yeah. The Bride is going to pay for hurting her. I used to be part of her family. I used to live with her. I work with her. I used to hate her. And after all these confusing feelings I've had towards Heidi, I have a new one, Atomo. I want to kick The Bride's ass. Now, not just for the fun of it. But because it feels like I should do something for Heidi.
Dr. Thrilla: *Metal clanging*
MW: Ick! Get away from me.
Atomo: YOU-DON'T-CONCERN-ME-DR.-THRILLA. I-AM-ALL-METAL. AND-I-AM-THE-POP-UP-ADS-CRASHED-MY-COMPUTER-CHAMPION. AND-I'M-ALSO-NOT-ABOUT-TO-WRESTLE-SARAH-THE-JOBBER-SLAYER.
DT: *Metal clanging*
[We head to the roof.]
MA: The following contest is our main event of the morning. Already up on the roof, from Cloudydale, Connecticut, this is Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
[The crowd cheers for Sarah.]
BS: Oooh, I love that leather jacket she's got on. Sarah is always dressed soooo good.
MA: And her opponent. From the bowels of Hell. Also known as Mexico. Standing 6-foot-9 and weighing just under 200 pounds, making his BOB in-ring debut, this is Dr. Thrilla!
BS: Aww, no fair! Here come Sir Zeno and Mr. Paradox as backup. This is, like, so unfair, Scotty.
SW: What's really unfair is that you have to keep that bra on. What about the dress? Can that come off?
BS: Yeah, it can.
SW: Woohoo! My morning is made!
MA: LET'S GET IT ON!
SW: Yeah, Britney, let's get it on!
BS: No, I can't. Not that I would with you. But I do prefer to be naked most the time anyway.
SW: I'd settle for seeing you naked.
BS: I bet you would.
SW: Sarah is backed up all the way to the edge of the building. She's looking a bit nervous as those three move toward her. They've paused for a moment and seem to be talking strategy. Uh oh. They're off! No? What happened? Zeno and Paradox stopped and Dr. Thrilla is charging full force toward Sarah. Who's yawning? She reaches into her leather jacket and starts unpeeling a banana. Oh no! Thrilla! Stop!
BS: Too late! She tosses the banana peel down and he hits it! He flies right past her!
SW: Man, good thing that Dumpster was down there. Thrilla coulda been killeda.
SW: Man, Heidi usually sighs at my bad jokes. I like you. So? Oh, that's what happened. Kay Fabe and Seth Harker jumped Zeno and Paradox from behind. Zeno felt Kay's Bottom for the second time tonight and Harker no doubt hit some sort of slow-mo spinning kick with a twist and a standing somersault or five.
BS: So, like, are the Shaggy Gang and iAd forming an alliance or something? What's up with this? Kay Fabe and Seth together? Studnuts helped Kay earlier?
SW: It's been a crazy Chloroform, yet again. Who will Sarah pick next for Zeno? Who will Zeno pick next for Sarah? Will Heidi be here next time? So many questions. So tune in next time to see what the hell else can go wrong. For Heidi and Britney, this is Scotty Whatbody saying GO TO BED!
©2005 BOB Wrestling. Late because I went to the original Pizzeria Uno's in Chicago...my priorities are straight!