Pope John Paul 2
He blessed the airwaves of BOB at the age of 82!
Just like the WWE, if they couldn't afford steroids!
[We're on tape from Zip City, Alabama. Stuff happened on the last couple shows. Go read them if you haven't. Then you'll be caught up. So, let's go join Scotty Whatbody and...uh, just Scotty.]
SW: Hello, I'm Scotty Whatbody. This is BOB. And I'm running solo! Woohoo! Fuckity fuck fuck fuck! Fuck you Comedy Central, BigBOSS and Mike Monroe! I'll be leading you through—Hey! What are you doing here?
Styles: OH MY GOD SCOTTY! BigBOSS forgot I was under contract so he figured he might as well use me for something EXTREME! And what's more extreme than B-O-B!
SW: These days? Not much, really. It's all softcore, like Misty Waters. The good thing about her movies is that she's naked. The bad part is everything else.
Styles: What a card we've got for you this morning, fans! We've got five matches! Plus, BigBOSS and the booking committee have finally decided how to crown a new Swiss Army champion! Because March Mayhem is coming to Chloroform!
SW: It is?
SW: Booking by a basketball tournament. They're nothing if not consistent. So what is it this year?
Styles: On the next SMC, there will be four battle royals. The winners of those matches will compete in a four-way dance at Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive!
SW: Now...what if, oh, say Sarah and Sir Zeno are in that match and then ALSO have to fight for the OWTTM, Styles?
[Cut to BigBOSS.]
BigB: ... We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. TREY!
[Back to the arena.]
SW: Well, let's get this disorganized crapfest underway.
Styles: OH MY GOD it's good to be back!
MA: The opening contest is for the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title. Introducing first, the challenger. She's hateful. She's vengeful. And she's dangerous with a sword in her hand. Now coming down the aisle, here comes The Bride!
["Battle Without Honor or Humanity" plays.]
SW: I'd never let her have my sword in her hand. She's probably tear it off!
Styles: I understand The Bride didn't like Atomo hanging out with Misty last week.
SW: Hmm...we've had thinner excuses for booking a match.
Styles: Anyway. BigBOSS has granted her a title match here. She's been unstoppable of late. Last year, she plowed through the JEWS.
SW: One might even say she exterminated the JEWS.
Styles: Though BILL managed to evade her for now.
Bride: Don't worry. He's still on the list. I am gonna kill BILL!
Styles: Would you go to the ring?
Bride: Hi, Heidi! Glad you can't be here. Who takes care of the nurses when they're broken?
Styles: Other nurses.
Bride: Well, maybe I'll have to hurt all the nurses in the world.
Styles: There are a LOT of nurses in the world.
Bride: ... You just made Death List 176, Styles.
Styles: What did I say?
SW: Ha-ha, you're gonna die.
Bride: And I haven't forgotten about you, Scotty.
SW: What did I do?
Bride: You're a man!
MA: And her opponent, the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Champion, Atomo The Living Robot!
["Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto" plays.
SW: I forgot we even had this title.
Styles: So did the bookers, apparently.
Totally Heel (in the crowd): We want contracts! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
Styles: Totally Heel is here again? Violent Pacifist, Massive Man Rendition First, Jim, J.C. Long, Hardcore JJ, Jean Bannister and Sir Hungalot. Are they still on strike?
SW: Technically, no. They're unemployed. They don't have a contact. It's like trying to deal with a police union. Except Totally Heel can't plant evidence in your vehicle.
Styles: Hopefully they won't be too disruptive.
SW: Styles, since you're here, you can call the match. I'll just add color and sex jokes. That's why they pay me.
Styles: I'm honored. Lock-up. Bride with a kick. A ki—
Styles: The hell was that?
SW: *Sigh* Can't even get sound effects right here. Why don't we just give up and hire a retarded monkey already?
[Cut to the sound "truck."]
Retarded Monkey In A Wheelchair: Monkey!
[Back to the ring.]
SW: Now what was that?!
Styles: I have no idea. But one thing I do know is The Bride just did a cartwheel decapitator kick. OH MY GOD! Atomo is down and ... hurt.
SW: That was a nasty—
SW: It's so tough to make the viewers believe he's made of metal and not just spray-painted silver.
Styles: Will you stop? Bride's going for that fatal punch move thing I can't remember the name of.
SW: I hate it when BigBOSS writes a script when he's not at his computer.
Styles: Me too!
SW: You should've come to rehearsal.
Styles: I only just got here! BRIDE WITH A KATA HAJIME! THE BALL AND CHAIN IS LOCKED IN!
Styles: Forget it, Scotty. WAIT! The crowd just erupted! IT'S HEIDI! OH MY GOD! SHE'S GOT A CHAIR!
SW: That wasn't a fake sound effect there! She just bashed the Bride in the skull! Man am I aroused!
Styles: Heidi lifts up a groggy Bride! She puts her onto the top rope! HEIDICANRANA!
SW: Why isn't Generic Ref stopping this? She slept with him, didn't she?
Styles: No. Heidi is a good person. She deserves a little vengeance of her own.
SW: Yeah, but this is a title match. And damnit, I'm supposed to support the heels. Unfair, Heidi, unfair! C'mon ref!
Styles: Atomo climbs to the top rope. Heidi with a rocket launcher. Oh what a land—
Styles: ...ing. Cover! ONE! TWO! THREE! Atomo wins, OH MY GOD! What a way to kick off Sunday Morning Chloroform!
SW: Starring Scotty Whatbody.
Styles: Well, it looks like Heidi's heading our way.
NH: Hello boys. You like that?
SW: I can't even stand up right now!
NH: Ah, yes, I'm officially back at work.
SW: It's only been a week.
NH: Hey, Styles.
Styles: That was EXTREME! You left The Bride for dead!
SW: Yeah. Lucky you, Heidi. The last people who left her for dead were the JEWS. But she rose from the grave to reap vengeance on her attackers. Just like Jesus.
SW: What? I'm going to hell anyway. And am already IN hell, aka BOB.
NH: Well, I'm ready for The Bride or anybody else who wants to mess with me.
SW: I wanna mess with you. Love hurts, baby.
NH: Our love would be fatal for you, Scotty.
Styles: Well, while the happy couple fight like old broadcasters, let's take a moment to spend with...Dr. Thrilla?
Caption: A MOMENT WITH...DR. THRILLA.
[We fade into a the Masterpiece Theater ripoff set Michelle (Sarah "The Jobber Slayer's" little sister) used last year on an SMC. Dr. Thrilla is seated by the fireplace. As we fade in, the bear-trap-toothed man in the bloodstained surgeon's gown charges toward the camera, hits it with a Yield sign and gives a speech on the horror that is his life, but all we can hear is metal clanging. We fade out as the camera falls over.]
[Backstage, the cameras caught up with Kay Fabe, Seth Harker and the new You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion, Steve Studnuts, all looking ready to sports entertain.]
SS: The iAd should be in the gat damn main event. And that's a fact!
KF: Aww, c'mon, Steve. You get to go kick Paradox's behind again. Isn't that a reason to be happy.
SS: All I know is Trey is booking with his dick again. He wants to get in Sarah's slayer panties. He wants to hit that.
KF: Who doesn't? Jeez. That's some (she looks at Seth). Never mind. What are you thinking about, Seth?
SH: I'm thinking that title belt you're wearing better watch out.
SS: Still jealous MY belt pinned you, buddy?
SH: (Agitated) No. Let's go spread some apathy. Jerkweed.
SS: That's my line. Jerkweed.
SS: Hey! Jerkweed.
[Back to the ring. "Queer" by Garbage is already playing.]
MA: This is a six-person match. Introducing first. At a combined weight of if you really care look at their bios and pull out a calculator. Kay Fabe. Seth Harker. And the new You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion, Steve Studnuts!
SW: Kay's breasts lead the trio down the aisle. I bet you miss Kay's lips, Heidi.
NH: Not at all. I'm not a lesbian.
SW: Everyone's a little lesbian.
Styles: This should be an EXTREME contest. A lot of hatred is brewing between the iAd, Shaggy Gang and Zeno's Dimension-Z stable.
Violent Pacifist: We could kick all your asses!
Massive Man Rendition First: Kay's a Seth-whore! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
SS: Sorry to see your extreme SUCKAGE and your clap hasn't cleared up yet, Josh. You must be a big hit with the ugly two dollar male whores, jerkweed. Ya dig?
MMR1: If only BigBOSS would sign me and he'd book a match with you in which I'm booked to win, I'd kick your ass!
SS: Pussy! Climb that Flimsy Guardrail and be a man! C'mon, bitch. I'll even give you the first ten shots. C'mon you fuck!
SW: Studnuts has called Massive Man out!
NH: The crowd wants to see it.
Styles: Let's do this, right here and now!
MMR1: My toe hurts. Maybe next week.
SS: Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!
Crowd: Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!
MMR1: You're the pussies, pussies!
SS: Hmm...Jerkweed! Jerkweed! Jerkweed!
Crowd: Jerkweed! Jerkweed! Jerkweed!
MMR1: You're the jerkweeds, jerkweed!
MA: And their opponents. Queen Mylisiv, Mr. Paradox and Sir Zeno! Let's get it on!
Styles: It's on quickly! Zeno's crew on the attack, but Studnuts, Harker and Kay are ready. Zeno and Kay, Studnuts and Paradox and Harker and Queen are going blow for blow, punch for punch. Zeno, Queen and Paradox whipped into the ropes. Triple clothesline! OH MY GOD!
NH: Zeno and his team go to the floor to regroup. Generic Ref tries to get Studnuts and Harker out of the ring.
SW: He must want to see Kay bounce around a bit, and who can blame him? Woohoo!
Styles: Zeno sends in his girlfriend, Queen Mylisiv, first. Here we go. Queen tries for a kick but Kay catches it. Queen with a reverse somersault into a dropkick. OH MY GOD! What a move!
SW: Damn, Queen Mylisiv can fly.
NH: Harker is telling Kay to tag him in. Seth must feel like he should show off his high-flying slow-motion moves after Queen showed off hers.
Styles: Harker and Mylisiv ready to go at it.
KF: Don't be looking at my man, bitch. I'll tear out your hair and choke you with it. OK?
[Queen Mylisiv rolls her eyes.]
Zeno: Don't be looking at my woman, carpetmuncher. Or I'll rip out your intestines and eat them barbecue style.
Styles: Queen Mylisiv charges and starts throwing punches. Lefts and rights. But Seth arches backward and avoids all of them. Enzugeri by Harker! Queen Mylisiv is down. Harker heads to the top rope. He dives!
[The camera suddenly slows to a crawl and spins around quickly as Harker leaps from the top rope for a frog splash.]
SW: Man, this is the slowest frog splash attempt I've ever seen! It's almost a minute and Harker is only about a foot closer to landing.
NH: I need to pee. Think this'll be over soon, the special effects?
Styles: They should be.
SW: And why the hell can our retarded monkey talk?
[Everyone is silent for a few seconds, contemplating the stupidity of that statement. Finally, Harker lands in slow-mo and the camera returns to regular speed.]
Styles: Harker covers! One! Two! Zeno breaks up the cover. Kay Fabe charges in. Punch! Punch! Punch! She licks her hand! BITCH SLAP~!
NH: Paradox just went under the ring and grabbed his sword.
SW: We'll have to edit that out. Can't he wait until he's in the shower like a normal person?
Styles: Not THAT sword. His weapon. He's going around the ring for Studnuts. No doubt looking for a castration and disemboweling. He wants that title belt back. Studs sees him coming and gets in the ring. Paradox charges. Studs ducks. Harker does his backward bendy thing. Look out Kay!
SW: Oh my God! The sword just CUT OFF HER STRAP!
[The crowd explodes in cheers as Kay does some partial frontal nudity!]
NH: The match has just stopped. Everyone is glued to Kay's breasts. And I must say, those are some nice breasts.
SW: I KNEW you were a lesbo!
[Kay covers up her breasts. The crowd moans in disappointment. Seth grabs his trenchcoat and wraps Kay in it, drawing boos from the crowd.]
SH: Those are mine.
KF: They are?
KF: Oh. Cool. (She smiles.)
Styles: Paradox charges at Studnuts, but he gets back dropped to the floor and the sword goes flying!
Fan: OH MY GOD!
Styles: Hey that's my—OH MY GOD! The sword just killed one of the fans!
SW: That's two weeks in a row. Paradox really should start bringing a fake sword out here. He's going to kill off our already tiny fanbase.
NH: Studnuts grabs Queen Mylisiv. Death Valley Of The Sun Driver! Harker is attacking Zeno. Studs covers Mylisiv and Kay sits on his back for added weight! One! Two! Three!
SW: Kay's lost her top, but her team won the match. So it all worked out for everybody. Well, except for Zeno, Mylisiv and Paradox, who lost.
Styles: I'm sure this war is far from over however. Nothing is really settled here.
SW: I hope she drops that coat. Man, I have to remember to tape this show when it airs! Woohoo!
[Backstage, XXXtreme Machine is walking down a hallway, looking all pissed off. As he walks, he suddenly bumps into somebody out of camera range and falls to the floor in a heap. The camera pans down to reveal LilBOSS.]
LB: Hey, watch where you're going, XXXtreme. You could hurt yourself.
XM: fuk u mna! im tripplxxxtemere! im teh mchine. Oww mi sholdur
SW: Man, he's pathetic.
Styles: Pathetic. And next!
SW: Oh no. He's not booked for this endless monologue! No!
["XXXtreme" hits. No f'n pop.]
NH: He's walking out with a chair for some reason.
SW: Probably to show he's hardkor.
Styles: What does XXXtreme have to say?
SW: And will we even be able to understand it?
[XXXtreme Machine sits on the chair and starts to talk.]
XM: ti nevr falez 2 amaz me hwo muc im unaprece8d in bob. ive sakirficed 2 mkae starz. But im hardkor!!~1. not 2 long a go I teemd wit teh YBGKIDATYOOAFMY belt. butt whta dos it do? hangz ot wit steev stundutz 1 weak n rm paradux teh otter. im the koolest wresler n bob. im bob 4 lif. Im xxxteme. ayooym belt iz a jober. so at on ur hardive u n me r gona fite btchi! n a xxxtr4m rulez mtach. u smel lik cok becuz ur alwayz hangin arond wreslers nutz.
SW: Did he just say something about licking cock?
XM: betl u suk lik all theze fanz favrit futbal teemz!
[The crowd yawns, since there are no pro teams in...ZIP CITY, ALABAMA!]
XM; hye no cheep popz n my pronmo btchi!
[Get a mouth transplant, el retardo.]
XM: im the gr8st wresler a liv 2day! teh ayoonm tile iz maykin bad decizons. teh wurst was wen u turned ur strap on me!
SW: What about a strap on?
XM: fuk u btches. u all fukin suk! u r all homless n dum!
Sir Hungalot: Not as 'dum' as you. And you're nowhere near as 'hung' as me, while we're at it.
XM: fuk u mna u dont evn hav a job btcih!
XM: ur a jobles peace of jobles sith! nad u smll! lik cok!
SW: Wow, XXXtreme Machine is making this personal. And unintelligible.
NH: Hungalot looks ready to kill XXXtreme Machine.
XM: sukurty! kik ot tottaly suK1
Styles: OH MY GOD! Totally Heel just jumped the Flimsy Guardrail! They storm the ring and what a BRUTAL beating XXXtreme Machine is getting!
SW: He deserves it for making us endure such a long ass promo!
Styles: XXXtreme Machine is wearing the crimson mask!
SW: BOB's security is as lax as America's at the borders, I see. I guess that was among the budget cuts. Now fans can just come attack XXXtreme Machine.
Styles: That's part of BOB's new advertising campaign, actually.
[Cut to Styles, who holds up a BOB poster featuring XXXtreme Machine and a little cartoon bubble next to him that reads "I wil kik ur as btich!" Under that, it reads, "The Fans Kick XXXtreme Machine's Ass Tour '05!"]
[Backstage time. BigBOSS is with Britney Smears, Christina Gaguilera, the Drudley Boyz, Coma, Hallucination Boy and John Skeet and Steve Leary.]
BigB: Hello, underlings. I know you're probably all wondering why you're here. Well, in an attempt to build up to your spectacular ladder match, I have decided that tonight, we're going to have a tag team match. Picked directly out of the Medium-Sized Bucket!
[The four teams groan.]
BigB: Alrighty then. The first team will be...(he reaches in and puls out two pieces of paper). Steve Leary and Christina Gaguilera.
CA: Shut up, kiss ass. I haven't forgotten you force-feeding me popcorn last week.
SL: And my ears haven't stopped bleeding since you're "singing." Slut.
BigB: Boys, girls. Language, please. This is a family show. And team number two! (He reaches into the bucket and pulls out two more pieces of paper.) Rubba Ray Drudley and Coma!
RRD: OH GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKER! I'LL KICK YOUR RETARDED FUCKING ASS!
Coma: This is what it's like when rutabagas collide! NEEP!
BigB: Alright. The tag team match is next. Go, underlings. The rest of you aren't getting paid.
Britney and D-Van: Awww!
HB: TRAIN! *Dives*
[Back to the ring.]
MA: The following is an all-mixed up tag team match. Introducing first, Steve Leary and Christina Gaguilera, the Distorted Divas!
NH: I doubt anybody in this match is going to get along.
SW: It's just like the three of us!
NH: We don't get along because you're a dick.
SW: And you're a bitch. And Styles is a nerd.
Styles: I am NOT a nerd. You fat bastard.
SW: Truth hurts, eh four-eyes?
Styles: Are we in first grade? Oh my god.
NH: Scotty never did get along well with, well, anybody.
MA: And their opponents. Rubba Ray Drudley and Coma, the Drudley Poinkz! LET'S GET IT ON!
Styles: We've got Leary and Rubba Ray to start. Hook-up. Rubba with a jab. A jab. And a big elbow to the top of Leary's head.
RRD: HOW BRILLIANT IS THAT YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER!
Styles: Rubba drops an elbow. Rubba stomp! He drags up Leary and drops him on the top rope. Leary grabbing his throat, gasping for air.
SW: Gaguilera comes in the ring, impatient like every other woman on this planet.
NH: Such a sexist pig. Ugh!
Styles: Low blow to Rubba! Oh my God! Coma comes into the ring to help his partner. Low blow by Xtina on Coma! Xtina helps Leary up. LOW BLOW TO LEARY!
SW: I heard she liked to blow men, but—
NH: Holy crap, Scotty! You're gonna get us fined by the FCC!
SW: It's 4 a.m. The FCC is asleep, dreaming of picnics with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. Fuck the FCC!
Styles: You're insane, Scotty.
SW: I'm a heel, Styles.
Styles: If only we had a backup heel announcer in the building...
NH: Generic Ref is scolding Christina about her blatant low blowing. She just low-blowed Generic Ref!
Styles: What the HELL is she doing? That's gotta be a DQ! Is there anybody who can restore order to this insanity?
["Them Bones" hits the speakers.]
Styles: OH MY GOD! IT'S DEATH!
SW: Everybody is holding their stomachs in pain as Death walks the aisle. Xtina drags Generic Ref over to Leary. She makes the cover and grabs Generic Ref's hand! One! Two!
NH: Death jerks her off!
SW: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I heard she likes bony men, but jeez!
Styles: Bony foot to the midsection. Death puts Gaguilera between his legs. POWERBOMB TO HELL! Death picks up Leary! POWERBOMB! Rubba Ray charges. Kick. He gets POWERBOMBED!
SW: Mr. One Move is at it again.
Styles: Coma goes up! Coma goes down! Death has left carnage in his wake!
SW: What else is new for Death?
NH: Death is asking Masked Announcer for his microphone, and smartly, Masked Announcer gives it to Death.
Death: You know...another week goes by and yours truly isn't in the main event yet again. They may think I'm ratings death, but I'm death to everything. So here's how it goes. I want a match. Tonight.
Styles: Death should learn you never make an open challenge in BOB. He may regret this.
["Low Rider" by Korn hits.]
Styles: Oh, never mind.
SW: Where do you think we work, Styles? Extremely Violent Wrestling? Full of naked WWE divas and nude drunk Britney Spears? And free sex porn? And nude huge English boobs? No. We work in BOB. Where the wages are small and the talent is minimal. And the place where we get bumped off the air now because of Daylight Savings Time. And why can't I have Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton instead of YOU two? Life just isn't fair.
IAE: Eyhay, omeshay. At'swhay upway, esseway? Ouyay antway away atchmay ithway omesay eathay inway itway? Owhay aboutway away atchmay ithway omesay Igpay Atinolay Eathay, omeshay?
Death: I don't have a clue what in the hell you just said, but if you want a match with me this morning, you've got it! And Igpay...you're a dead man!
[Let's head backstage to meet up with Sir Zeno, who has gathered up a bunch of heel lumberjacks. Dr. Thrilla. Queen Mylisiv. Mr. Paradox. XXXtreme Machine. Kevin the Pyromaniac and Bruce the Kleptomaniac. Insano Mano. Kamikazie Ken. And all the Drudley Boyz, yes even Rubba Ray, who is still out in the ring. BOB: You'll be amazed by the mistakes in pre-taped segments!]
SZ: I want you all to be proud for your support of the future BOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS and master of the universe by serving as my lumberjack minions this morning. Sarah would break all your worthless kneecaps if given the opportunity. She won't let any of you get a shot at THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. This morning is your consolation prize. You get to beat on the girl every time Meat-Puppet tosses her to the floor. And remember. Every blow you strike against her is a blow for Dimension-Z. Show your loyalty to us and maybe we'll show our loyalty to you. I doubt it, but it's possible, I guess. And Bruce? Give me back my wallet before I serve your brains as an exotic dish.
[Meanwhile, in the Shaggy Gang's room.]
Trey Vincent: Sarah.
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer.": I believe that door was locked. And where are the bananas I was promised? Those are guaranteed in my contract, BigEGOBoss.
TV: I sent LilBOSS to the nearest supermarket. Chill, honey. Actually, maybe you should defrost a little. You're so cold.
STJS: And the reason you think I care is...?
TV: Who do you think gave you the shot at fighting Sir Zeno for the OWTTM? That's right, me! And why did I do it? Not because I wanted anything from you. But because I thought you deserved it. A shot to be in the main event of an almost pay-per-view battling for the top belt in the parody sports entertainment industry. And this is how I get treated? And yeah, sure, Seth is pussywhipped and Kay asked him to make me put you in the main event.
STJS: So that's it.
TV: I'm an honest guy. But Sarah, having said all that, I think you really do deserve this shot. Women don't belong in sports entertainment, usually. But you're different. You can actually kick and punch like a real sports entertainer-slash-kung fu babe. But I hope you won't blow your chance. Because if you do, you might have to blow something else to get another shot.
STJS: I knew this would all end up in an attempt by you to get sex.
TV: Sex sells.
STJS: Well, why don't you just retire and go do porn?
TV: Because I'm not ugly enough, out of shape enough or STD-free enough. Wait...
STJS: You're such a freak. I'm gonna tell you to do something now that you're very used to. Beat it. I have a match to get ready for.
TV: Alright, Sarah. But after that match ends, I hope you realize that the iAd are your friends now. At least until Kay and Seth break up. Later, babe.
[Sarah stares as Trey leaves.]
TV: I can feel you looking at my ass.
[Back to the ring, where BigBOSS was waiting.]
BigB: Hello, ZIP CITY, ALABAMA!
BigB: How are you?
Crowd: Good. How are you?
BigB: Not bad, thanks for asking. Anyway. I'm out here tonight, as you all know, to sign up one of the biggest matches of all time, between a BOB legend and a BOB legend-in-the-making. When douja heard that BOB was making another comeback, one of the first people to respond and say he wanted to make a comeback was douja! And it is my pleasure to bring him out here tonight!
["How High" by Method Man and Redman hits the speakers. The crowd cheers as douja steps out and walks the aisle.]
BigB: douja, welcome back to BOB.
[BigB was about to hand over the microphone when "Apathy" by 1000 Homo DJs started playing. Trey Vincent emerged, driving a forklift that was carrying Unit 5. The crowd ROARED as Unit 5 was driven down the aisle. Trey put Unit 5 into the ring and slid into the ring, grabbing the microphone from BigBOSS.]
TV: Well, if it isn't douja. Welcome back. My name is Trey Vincent, and I am the Vice President In Charge Of Everything. Let me just tell you something. Since you've been gone, BOB has changed. This isn't about wrestling anymore. It's about sports entertainment. I hope you can survive in this environment. Because if you can't, you're more than welcome to keep begging for spare change on the streets or selling your body to drug dealers or whatever you did to pass the time away from BOB.
TV: Unit 5 is the key to BOB's turnaround. He is the future of this sport. You? You're the past. You obviously aren't dead yet. But you've got to ask yourself douja. Are you the same douja that won every title that BOB had to offer? Are you still that good? And most importantly, maybe we'll find out if man or machine is the stronger force at On Your Hard Drive. With that all in mind, just so this is all legal...Unit 5, if it is OK for me to sign this contract for you, since you don't have any arms or fingers, please give us some sort of a sign.
Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*
[The crowd roars in approval. BigBOSS hands Trey a clipboard with a contract on it. Trey signs Unit 5's name. He hands the clipboard to douja, who takes it, staring angrily at Vincent. Instead of taking the pen from Trey's hand, he grabs the microphone.]
douja: i am about to make your peoples night, and i am about to make history.. so you can all just sit da hell down and shut da hell up!! now, let me explain a few things to you people in da crowd, and to all you clowns in da back.. i am from a different era.. i got my start before BOB even existed, in a lil' company called da STWF!
douja: everything that you see here tonight.. everything you see on BOB television.. you see that because of da STWF! BOB owns its slot on comedy central to the STWF!! it was the blueprint for dis' shit! now, the STWF was home to some of the best.. It was home to THE TIGER.. it was home to BF SACK.. it was home to SMP.. home to BOHEMOTH, HOMOCIDAL HANK... it was home to da legendary ROGUE and the ROGUES GALLERY!! Hell, it was home to VIOLENT PACIFIST, BILLY POLAR and THE KENT STATE KREW!!
douja: a lot of big names, a lot of big time players.. then i came to BOB, and a lot of these same guys.. a lot, not all.. found a home at BOB. with the mix of STWF stars and BOB's own stars, BOB was once a great place, too. and the very best of the bunch, was the man on the mic right now, DOUJA! i held more titles in the STWF then anyone EVER!! I AM DA ONLY MAN TO HOLD EVERY SINGLE BOB TITLE!! I WAS THE FIRST EVER ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!! ive done it all and ive seen it all.. but when i came back to BOB i saw a shell of my old stompin grounds, yo... i saw a joke of a place.. but, i also saw the chance to make the power move of a lifetime!!! BOB is soft now.. bunch of soggy corn flaky type bitches in the back.
douja: you are dealing with the BOB kingpin, the best who ever did it!! I am an og at this, damnit!! I am BOB's original gangsta and I am taking back whats mine!! BECAUSE I'M STILL SMOKIN' IN 2005, YOU FUCKIN' CRACKA ASS CRACKA'S!!
[douja grabs the pen and signs the contract. Douja then hucks a loogie at Unit 5! The crowd boos.]
Styles: The lights are flickering? What the hell is going on in the arena?
SW: Cheap ass wiring. I hope we don't lose power.
*BANG BANG BANG*
Styles: Unit 5 is making some big noise now! douja slowly backs away and gets out of the ring, along with everybody else. Unit 5 is starting to smoke.
SW: I guess douja isn't the only one smokin' in 2005.
Styles: Unit 5 is shaking violently.
SW: Is it gonna blow up?
[Unit 5's loading door suddenly explodes and clothes began raining down all around douja on the floor.]
NH: douja is backing away slowly, looking a little spooked by the power of Unit 5! Perhaps he underestimated his foe. Unit 5 is no ordinary washing machine.
Styles: Unit 5 is staring in douja's direction now. What a staredown. Fans, we'll be right back after this!
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MA: The following match is scheduled for one fatality. Introducing first. Possibly the dumbest man on the planet. Igpay Atinolay Eathay!
["Low Rider" by Korn plays as Igpay walks down.]
NH: Harsh, but true. Igpay accepted an open challenge from "The Million Dollar Entity" Death.
SW: Maybe Death will buy Igpay a nice ineboxpay.
Styles: Wow, you're learning Pig Latin?
SW: I'm multi-cultural, Styles.
Styles: Color me unimpressed. Most kids learn that in elementary school.
["Killed By Death" by Motorhead plays.]
MA: And his opponent. From his mansion in the Netherworld, this is Death! Let's get it on!
Styles: Death wastes little time in the ring, finishing off opponent after opponent with ease. And here we go.
SW: Death is God's hit man.
Styles: Igpay goes on the attack, dropkicking Death as he, er, it gets in the ring. Death is down, but only for a moment. Death moves toward Igpay. Kneelift. Kneelift. Kneelift. Death picks up Igpay.
SW: He was a much better commentator than you, by the way, Styles.
Styles: Thanks for the feedback. I'll file it in the trash with the rest of your opinions.
SW: I'll file YOU in the trash.
NH: Death has Igpay up top and now Death is climbing the ropes? I don't ever recall the big entity doing THIS before.
Styles: Neither do I. No way! He is NOT going to hit a SUPERBOMB is he? That would KILL Igpay! OH MY GOD that would be EXTREME!
NH: The fans are standing in awed silence.
SW: That's typical for a Death match. He just can't get over as a heel or face because the fans are too scared.
Styles: SUPERBOMB CONNECTS! OH MY GOD!
SW: That got the crowd to pop.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Styles: Death is soaking up the reaction from the fans. But the reaction quickly dies off as the fans terror returns.
SW: He should just start paying the crowds to cheer for him. Then he'd be over huge.
Styles: Death is not done with Igpay yet. Death apparently wants to send a message. He picks up Igpay. TOUCH OF DEATH! This one's ALL over!
SW: Kind of anti-climactic. That boy needs to learn...(Scotty notices Death is staring at him.) Umm...never mind.
NH: Haha. Death heard you in the quiet.
SW: I didn't know he could hear me!
Styles: Obviously. Cover! One! Two! Three! Death wins! Death wins. Igpay is DEAD! Dead I tell ya!
SW: But somehow, he'll be back next week. Or whenever our next show gets taped.
[Backstage, Little Good was searching for a light for his cigarette when Kevin the Pyromaniac walked by.]
LG: Hey, you got a light, mate?
KtP: Yeah, I've got a light!
[Kevin whips out some lighter fluid and lights his sleeve on fire.]
LG: Uh, yeah. Thanks.
KtP: We have both faced some adversity in our BOB careers.
LG: I asked for a light, not a new best friend. And for God's sake, will you extinguish yourself?
[Somebody off-camera sprays Kevin with a fire extinguisher.]
LG: Bloody hell. You trying to put me in the hospital for smoke inhalation? (He takes a long drag on his cigarette.)
KtP: The Powers To Be are keeping me off On Your Hard Drive, Little Good! What is BOB gonna do when PYROMANIA runs wild on YOU?
LG: You're a bleedin' wanker.
KtP: I haven't been pinned in 2005.
LG: You haven't WRESTLED in 2005! Hey, hold on...where's my smoke?
[Bruce the Kleptomaniac runs away.]
LG: Bloody hell. That does it, mate. At On Your Hard Drive, I'll do you a favor and show you what it means to be a champion.
KtP: I though I was wrestling j00!
LG: Bollocks. Say, got a light?
[Little Good digs out another cigarette.]
KtP: Yeah I've got a light!
[Back to ringside. "The Lumberjack Song" is playing as Sir Zeno leads down the lumberjacks for the main event match: Dr. Thrilla, Mr. Paradox, Queen Mylisiv, D-Van Drudley, Rubba Ray Drudley, Small Tyke Drudley, Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano, XXXtreme Machine, Bruce the Kleptomaniac, who is smoking Little Good's cigarette, and finally a still-burning Kevin the Pyromaniac. Somebody sprays him with a fire extinguisher as he walks down the aisle.]
MA: This is the main event of the morning. It will be a lumberjack match. Introducing first. Now shuffling to the ring. This is Meat-Puppet!
Styles: I'm sure Zeno's orders for Meat Puppet were simple. Keep throwing Sarah over the top rope to the floor so she can get beaten by the lumberjacks.
[As Meat-Puppet is heading to the ring, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" leaps out of the crowd and kicks him in the back of the head.]
MA: And his opponent. Now beating him senselessly on the floor, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"! Um. IT'S ALREADY ON!
Styles: Indeed it is. Sarah with a stomp. A kick. And a punch.
NH: And somewhere, Trey Vincent must be having an orgasm.
SW: I thought you were the one giving him orgasms lately.
NH: I just meant that Trey likes punches and kicks is all.
SW: Oh. But why would you even bring that up out of the blue like that? Who wants to picture Trey having an orgasm?
Styles: Sarah tosses Meat-Puppet into the ring. Zeno orders Meat-Puppet to get up from the floor. Meat-Puppet is trying.
SW: It ain't easy being dead.
Styles: SARAHCONRANA! Sarah with some STIFF mounted punches, no pun intended, to Meat-Puppet's stitched-together skull. OH NO! The lumberjacks just invaded the ring! This is all a set up! They swarm around Sarah and start beating her!
SW: No DQ! HAHAHA!
NH: This isn't funny. It's a gang beating.
SW: Better than a gangbang, anyway.
Styles: Mano and Ken are up on the top rope with barbed wire chairs! This looks TERRIBLE for Sarah!
SW: Ken missed!
SW: Mano missed too?
Styles: I don't think both of them missed at all! Ken landed a shot on Dr. Thrilla! And Mano took down Paradox, who lost his sword.
Fan: Somebody call a medic!
SW: Not again!
Styles: Ken and Mano are fighting off Zeno and the heelerjacks! What is going on?
NH: Trey must have told Ken and Mano to work as double agents.
SW: Sarah, Ken and Mano are clearing the ring!
SW: Did we just enter a "Batman" episode?
NH: Only if Batman used barbed wire chairs as his weapon.
Styles: Meat-Puppet tastes a chair sandwich with metal teeth.
SW: And it isn't one of those scary late night visits from Dr. Thrilla.
NH: That's so disgusting, Scotty.
Styles: Sarah with a spin kick with a twist! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! I don't BELIEVE IT!
NH: Sarah with a huge upset, but a helping hand from BOB's hardcore maestros.
SW: Pretending to be heels is so gay.
Styles: All the momentum is in Sarah's court as we head into Mini March Mayhem next week! Who will win the four battle royals and try to take home the Swiss Army Belt at On Your Hard Drive!? What's next for Zeno and Sarah and the war between the Dimension Zers and the new iAd/Shaggy Gang collaboration? Tune in and see what's going to happen next! For Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi, I'm Styles saying, GOOD MORNING EVERYBODY! Oh my GOD!
©2005 BOB Wrestling. We've got March Madness EVERY month, baby! Heehee haha! Hoho!