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Sunday Morning Chloroform Logo

Once more...with matches?

[BOB's Sleeping The Nation tour kicks off, far, far away from the last edition of SMC. Where? Ummm. Oh, right, Mianus, Connecticut. We're in the local school gym. We pan the crowd

Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to, BOB SUNDAY MORNING CHLOROFORM 2! We are LIVE, on TAPE, in Mianus!

Scotty Whatbody: This is the lowest point of BOB's existence. Live from Styles' ass.

Styles: Will you stop it. We're not in my anus, we're in Mianus, Connecticut.

SW: Quit contradicting yourself. And my name isn't Connecticut!

Styles: I give up. I am Styles, along with…

SW: Scotty Whatbody is back in the house! And I hope you're keeping that seat warm for me Styles, because once I wrestle the beautiful, sexy, Kay Fabe tonight, next SMC, I'm gonna be in THAT chair.

Mark Shill: This Chloroform will be the biggest EXTRAVAGANZA in the history of sports entertainment.

SW: But sadly, Nurse Heidi is not here. Why isn't she in Mianus tonight? *Snort*

Styles: Still selling the JJ Drop.

SW: I wish Nurse Heidi was in Mianus so badly. Or, I wish she was here and she was wishing I was in…um…OH, I got it. I wish she was here and I wasn't, and she said, "I wish Scotty was in Mianus." BWAHAHAHAHA.

Styles: I'm wishing you weren't here already. Anyway, fans, tonight, we have seven huge matches. We SWEAR. Including the most anticipated match, Trey Vincent vs. Kurt Angel with more on the line than anybody could have imagined.

MS: The stakes, COULDN'T be HIGHER!

SW: And neither could your volume.

Styles: Fans, if you missed last week's show.

SW: Or fell asleep during it…

Styles: Vincent and Angel agreed to the following stipulations as a result of a stoned poker game. In the match, Vincent has put his booking power and the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS against Angel's gold medals and drug supply. The match will be fought with special guest referee Hardcore JJ. And it is the first ever, WINNER LEAVES BOB MATCH!

SW: Let's get to the matches before an opening segment breaks out.

Styles: Good idea.

[Kurt Angel's Heavenly music begins to play, bringing out, oddly enough, Kurt Angel.]

Styles: What the? Isn't this our MAIN EVENT! OH MY GOD!

MS: This show is going to be a WILD RIDE!

Masked Announcer: The opening contest is for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS…and a lot of other stuff. Introducing first. He is right there, walking down the aisle, waiting for some pyro that isn't gonna explode, and here he comes again. He is the challenger. From Heaven's East Side. Please welcome, Kurt, ANGELLL.

SW: And Kurt's got all his goodies with him.

Styles: Don't let Scotty near that stuff.

SW: What? I won't do anything.

Styles: Uncross those fingers and say that!

SW: No.

MS: What about that OMINOUS music equipment in the corner? What could be the meaning of this?

MA: And his opponent.

["All Hail The New Flesh" begins to blare, bringing out the champion.]

MA: From Minneapolis, Minnesota, he weighs 260 pounds, and is the REIGNING and DEFENDING, ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! Trey, VINCENT.

MS: Vincent is HOLDING our title hostage.

SW: Mark, the line was Vincent is holding our title HOSTAGE.

MS: SCREW you Scotty. I'll emphasize WHATEVER words I WANT to.

Styles: And Vincent is out here all alone. No Seth Harker. No Steve Studnuts. But with the way Vincent books his own matches, the entire BOB roster should be out here soon.

SW: Well, the music has died down, and now we're waiting for the crowd to pop when JJ comes out.

[Sounds of cookie jars breaking! The crowd pops.]

MA: And the special guest referee, Hardcore, JJ!

Styles: Vincent and JJ are staring a hole through each other. And now, the bell…

SW: Oh, NO. Not again.

Xamfir: Hey guys. Got my trusty bell ringing thing here.

Styles: The hammer?

Xamfir: Yeah, right. A hammer. Pffft. I am the lord of the bell. I have been sent to protect it from evil hands.

Styles: Well, our guest bell ringer is gonna

DING

Styles: Be.

DING

Styles: The

DING

Styles: WILL YOU STOP THAT!

DING

Styles: STOP IT!

DING

Styles: I'm not kidding with you!

DING

MS: JJ DROP on Xamfir.

JJ: Let's get this summabitch on the way!

Styles: Well JJ has laid out our Two Times The Square Root of Twenty-Seven Quantity Squared Divided By Two Champion…*Wheezing*

SW: You OK Styles? Well. This match is going on. Hey, how did he get that title back anyway?

[I'll handle that one Scotty….

The TinyTron lights up and on it, we see the place where Totally Face collected the 40-something titles. The box then mysteriously disappears.

And that's that.]

SW: What's what? That makes NO sense and clears up NOTHING!

[Sure it does. The box mysteriously disappeared.]

SW: But how did everyone get their titles back?

[Mrs. BigBOSS is a witch.]

SW: She is?

[Sure she is. She made the box disappear and it showed up in Mianus tonight. Now everyone has their hard-earned titles back.]

Styles: OK fans…the match is UNDERWAY! This is gonna be EXTREME! What a grudge these two men have for each other. Vincent and Angel lock up. Vincent with a punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Angel is down. Vincent with a punch. And now he throws some PUNCHES. Oh he's PUNCHING away on Angel. And now he hits Angel with a closed fist! Oh this is BRUTAL! It's knuckle sandwich city! OH MY GOD! He just landed a haymaker! And what a blow to the head that was!

MS: Five closed fingers of doom.

SW: Man. Isn't Vincent supposed to be a top wrestler?

Styles: Uh oh! Vincent heard you and he's coming our way!

[Vincent grabs the headset from Scotty.]

TV: Shut up scrub. Trey Vincent is a top sports entertainer. Punches equal ratings. Trey Vincent is giving Kurt Angel the sports entertainment lesson of a lifetime. Now watch. I'm gonna vary my offense up a bit, just for you, you pathetic waste of flesh.

MS: What a MEANIE.

Styles: Vincent slides back inside. Oh. Kick. And a boot. And a kick. And a boot. And there's a stomp. Some varied offense by Vincent here! He's now landing some educated feet to Angel. And there's a kick. And a stomp. PUNCH. There's that varied offense Vincent is known for.

MS: Angel REVERSES!

Styles: He's got Vincent locked in the ANGEL LOCK! Will Vincent tap! Will Vincent tap!

MS: Vincent REVERSES!

Styles: Vincent kicks Angel off.

MS: Vincent GETS TO HIS FEET.

Styles: And runs into an Heavenly Slam! That's gotta be it!

MS: ONE….TWOO….THRNO, he didn't get him.

SW: Kurt can't freaking believe it. But Trey don't lay down for anybody unless he's getting paid well.

Styles: Damn it, he's gonna have that belt FOREVER. OH NO! Vincent with a DDT. He picks up Angel. Kryptonite Krunch. Er, I mean, COMING DOWN! The over the shoulder belly to back piledriver! OH MY GOD!

SW: What? Did you REALLY think BOB would have a happy ending for anybody? Keep dreaming, pal.

Styles: It's time for the most entertaining move in sports entertainment today.

MS: THE BIG TIME FIST DROP.

Styles: Vincent pulls off his right wrist band. He bounces off one side of the ring. The second side of the ring. The third side of the ring. And the fourth side of the ring. Is he pretending to smoke a doobie?

SW: Hey, that reminds me!

Styles: Get away from that!

MS: THAT'S HIS MOVE. HE HIT IT.

[The crowd pops.]

Styles: What the? It's Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"! Look! She's in the corner of the gym where that music equipment was set up. She straps on a guitar!

SW: Wonder if that's the only thing she's ever strapped on…

Styles: Scotty!

[Eddie B. puts on the karaoke version of "Every Breath You Take" and Sarah begins to play her guitar and sing. Oh yes, just so you know, Sarah tonight is wearing a very low cut black T-shirt, showing off some cleavage and her sweet, flat, tanned belly. She's also wearing a purple mini-skirt and long black high-heeled boots.]

STJS: *Singing* Every breath you take…Every move you make…Every bond you break…Every step you take…I'll be watching you

[Vincent is staring at her from the ring, his tongue hanging out slightly.]

STJS: Every single day…Every word you say…Every game you play…Every night you stay…I'll be watching you.

[Now Vincent's jaw is hanging open.]

STJS: Oh can't you see…..You belong to me….How my poor heart aches…with every step you take.

[Vincent is shaking his head, smiling.]

STJS: Every move you make…Every vow you break…Every smile you fake…Every claim you stake…I'll be watching you.

STJS: Since you've gone I've been lost without a trace…I dream at night I can only see your face…I look around but it's you I can't replace…I feel so cold and I long for your embrace…I keep crying baby, baby please…

[Vincent blows a kiss to Sarah. She's too caught in the moment to notice it.]

STJS: Every move you make…Every vow you break….Every smile you fake…Every claim you stake…I'll be watching you…

TV: My God is she hot.

Styles: OH MY GOD! Angel just hit the Heavenly Slam on Vincent again!

Crowd: ONE…TWO…..THREE.

Styles: OH MY GOD!

SW: WHAT?

MS: THIS IS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!

Styles: Vincent is up and incredulous! He's staring at Sarah who is pointing the guitar at him. She is now mysteriously walking out of the gymnasium, still pointing at Vincent!

[A holy light shines down on Angel. Vincent gets out of the ring, shaking his head. The expanded J.W.A. roster (Bivalve, Super Mollusc, Sleazy-C, Mr. X., Dyslexic Avenger, XXXtreme Machine, StreetMime II, Fire Chief, Bubba Gump, Insano Mano, BILL, Kamikazie Ken, TMWLABL Nixon and Dustbuster Boy then suddenly rushes through the gymnasium doors Sarah just exited. Vincent yells at them.]

TV: Where were you? You were supposed to come in and save me when the song ended!

Mr. X: I don't know what you're talking about.

XXXTreme Machine: dindt U say afert sara cum out we cum kik his ass?

TV: NO you idiot. You were too slow.

Sleazy-C: Yo, u jobbed? Bwahaha. TV iz a jobba. But I gotz a title an u dont. Beytoch.

TMWLABLN: I am not a jobber. I have a title.

Dustbuster Boy: Even I have two titles! That's why I'm the NEXT BIG THINGEE! VROOM VROOM!

TV: Yuck it up scrubs. Now that I've lost booking power, you ain't gonna be getting those pushes I've been lying about giving to you.

[The Jobbaz moan. The scene cuts back to the ring as Angel has put on his holy zip line so he can ascend to Heaven.]

MS: Kurt Angel is going to Heaven.

SW: Maybe Sarah can sing "Tears in Heaven" now.

[The camera continues to follow Kurt all the way up, until he bangs his head on the ceiling and THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS falls to the ring below.]

KA: Owww. Hey, watch it buster.

Styles: Will you cut to ringside!

[Sorry. Guess I ruined that bit. Heehee.]

Styles: You sure have been cocky of late.

[< -------The Calorifically Challenged Champion.]

Styles: Well fans, I don't know WHAT to make of ANY of this. Let's cut to a commercial to finish Kurt 's ascension into Heaven.


PIW! PIW! PIW!

Tune into PIW Massacre. Starring Trey Vincent. Every Saturday at 11 p.m. EST. Only on FX, except when it's on Pay-Per-View. It stars Trey Vincent!

PIW! PIW! PIW!

This shill has been brought to you by Trey Vincent and the iAd. Yeah? So what if this ad wasn't funny? It's the least I get for jobbing to Kurt Angel!


Styles: And we are back. During the break, BigBOSS walked into the gymnasium and headed to the ring. He's there now and Vincent is there as well.

MS: Kurt Angel is with the Lord now.

SW: Contract's up?

BigB: *Ahem* Well. I hold in my hand, Kurt Angel's WILL.

SW: Do we really need to see that?

BigB: His WILL, not his WILLY. Grow up Scotty. See why you didn't win a title?

SW: I thought it was random?

BigB: *Ahem* Anyway. In the unlikely event that Kurt Angel wins booking control and ascends back to Heaven, he has given that booking power to…WHO? Hey, that's supposed to be MY name? Who is Travis Beaver? Ugh. Geez. This stinks. He said he was gonna put MY name in the will. But, he's got it signed and everything. D'oh! The Mrs. is gonna kill me! Oh yeah, as far as the OWTTM goes, tune in at the top of the hour for the drawing of matches and stipulations.

MS: I think it is now fair to say…without a SHADOW OF A DOUBT, that this morning's show…is the greatest SUNDAY MORNING CHLOROFORM, of ALL-TIME!


Buy our Pay-Per-View. Send Us Money: A Chance Would Be a Fine Thing! SUM: ACWBAFT is brought to you by…

Killsbury


[We return to the ring, which now covered by a tattered red carpet, has a stained cot in the middle and a bunch of stained pillows scattered on the mat. There are also some porno magazines, a big clock, dirty clothes and used condoms?]

Styles: Will you STOP!

[Sorry. But LOOK.]

Styles: OH MY GOD! He wasn't lying. This is disgusting. That doesn't have anything to do with having a low budget.

SW: Well…nevermind.

Styles: Did YOU design this bedroom?

SW: I just showed Flunky pictures of my room. I forgot about those. It looks like he recreated it exactly, even the ring ropes.

[Over the PA comes a voice yelling, Can You Shovel It, BLOWAAAAAA. Eddie B. turns on "Stupify (Didn't Know Scratching Sounded This Good, Did Ya remix?)"]

MA: The next match is scheduled for two pillow breaks. Introducing first. From two different places and each weighing something I forgot to write down and am now not close enough to the Internet to look up, please welcome, the Pin Pull Champion Hooker T and United States Toaster Champion "Stone Hot" Steve Dawson, the Stoned Hookers!

[BOB's newest tag team heads to the ring.]

MS: This is AMAZING.

SW: Hey, so now what happens to Kurt's medals and his, um, supplies?

Styles: Didn't he leave everything to Travis Beaver?

SW: I only heard booking power. Yoink.

Styles: Yoink? Hey? Where'd all that stuff go?

SW: What stuff?

MS: The Stoned Hookers ARE HERE.

MA: And team number two. I don't know a damn thing about them since they don't have a bio. TransContinental Jim and Back Road Billy, the New Age Inlaws!

MS: This is gonna be a DONNEYBROOK.

Styles: Yeah, the feathers are literally going to be flying in this match. The winner of this match I understand will get a tag team title shot at some point in the coming weeks, months or years. A real carrot for these young teams!

SW: Yeah, if you're into bug infested carrots. Although, there are, what, three or four tag belts now.

MS: You're ONLY gonna get three or four sets of TAG GOLD in BOB fans. Call you friends!

SW: If you have any!

Styles: Scotty!

[Eddie B cranks out "Sculder and Mully" as the third and final team makes its way out.]

MA: And the final team. From parts classified, Sculder and the Biakkabatuka and Incongruent champions, Mully!

Xamfir: Man. Hey! What happened to the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS match?

SW: Kurt Angel won. He's out of here.

Xamfir: Hmmph. And he owed me $5 and a stick of butter.

SW: A stick of butter?

Xamfir: Perhaps I've said too much.

[DING DING DING.]

Styles: And the match is underway. Oh what a shot by Mully. Oh what a shot by Jim. Oh what a SHOT by Hooker!

SW: It's a WHACKING frenzy.

MS: I've NEVER seen ANYTHING like this before, IN MY LIFE.

SW: I never want to see anything like this again, especially in MY ROOM.

MS: What a lame brain.

Styles: OH MY GOD! Back Road Billy just laid out Sculder with a HUGE shot to the face, but his pillow has been BUSTED WIDE OPEN.

MS: His pillow is losing a LOT of feathers.

MA: The New Age Inlaws have been eliminated!

TCJ: See what happens when you won't let me bone your sister before a match!

BRB: Dude!

Styles: The New Age Inlaws are out of here and arguing all the way up the aisle. But its down to the Agency against the Stoned Hookers. Mully is holding off Hooker T and Stone Hot Steve Dawson.

MS: They've got her surrounded!

Styles: Oh no! They charge. OH. Pillows collide.

SW: Mully went down on both guys fast.

Styles: SCOTTY!

SW: Bwaahaha. I didn't even mean that!

Styles: Uh oh. Some tension between Hooker and Dawson! OH NO. They're hitting each other! The partners have gone nuts. Mully is just staring at them in disbelief.

MS: OH NO, back the cameras up. This is FAR too graphic for Sunday morning TV. The pillows have been busted wide open. Oh, turn your heads kids.

SW: Will you shut up Shill.

MA: The Stoned Hookers have been eliminated. Which means. Your winners are, The Agency?

[The opening chord of "The X-Files" theme song plays right on cue. Followed closely by the rest of it as everyone looks around, quite disturbed.]

Styles: This match is out there.

SW: This FED is out there.

MS: WCW IS OUT THERE!

Styles: WHAT?

MS: I mean, uh…let's go to a commercial break!

[Suddenly, the first song is overwhelmed by a new song, "Walk" by Rammstein.]

Styles: It's RVD! RVD IS HERE! RVD is walking to the ring with Dr. Doomsday. RVD is walking up the steps. RVD is getting into the ring. RVD picks up a pillow and tosses it at Mully who catches it! VON DUZENATOR!

MS: That's HIS MOVE!

SW: Mully is licking some carpet now. Bwahahaha!

Styles: SCOTTY! And RVD picks up the dirty clothes. And he tosses them at Sculder! He's down. Sculder is down! RVD heads up to the top rope.

MS: Heaven's to Betsy!

Styles: Six-star frog splash!

SW: Hey, Dr. Doomsday has a title. He has a title now too? RVD has a microphone.

RVD: America sucks.

SW: Wow. RVD is in rare form tonight.

RVD: Since BOB would not give the greatest German wrestler of all time a title, R-V-D, has created, his own title. America sucks. This is the Only Communist World Title owned by a German that Matters. And America SUCKS. You are all capitalist pigs. And America sucks!

[The crowd boos.]


BOB SUNDAY MORNING CHLOROFORM is brought to you by…

Vaticaction Figures


Styles: Welcome back fans. In the ring, we now have a Sony Playstation hooked up a television set. And since BOB can't afford to put out a video game, what game is that? ECW Hardcore Revolution©? Each man has a controller, but won't have a need for it since the game is completely unplayable. RVD is already in the ring.

SW: Doesn't that usually mean he's gonna job?

Styles: Scotty! A little kayfabe!

SW: I'm gonna wrestle Kay Fabe in a little bit.

Styles: And here is "Loony" Lenny. We're ready to begin.

MA: The following is an I Quit match. It will be fought under street fight rules. It has a 5 minute time limit because anything longer would be preposterous. TKO is off and the announcers are ON.

MA: Introducing first, from Berlin, Germany, he weighs 221 pounds and holds the unrecognized at the moment Only Communist World Title Owned By a German That Matters, R, V, D! And his opponent, from who knows where, weighing 225 pounds, "Loony" Lenny. In this match, RVD is being represented by Rob Van Dam and Lenny has chosen Sabu as his counterpart, since they're both nuts.

Styles: OK, let's send it down to the ring, for your announcer, JOEY STYLES?!

[You only get me for the intros, this is degrading. *Sigh* RVD walks out at the house arena first to a nice pop to a bastardized version of "Walk" as the pixelated crowd jumps up and down in slow motion. Then Sabu steps out under the ECW on TNN (MWAHAHAHA) banner to a huge pop. He runs to the ring.]

RVD: Big surprise, Fonzy. There's a lot of RVD T-shirts in the crowd.

Sabu: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Ding, ding, ding and I am OUT OF HERE.]

JS: Whoa, whoa, WHOA!

JS: Short arm clothesline!

JS: OH!

JS: Vertical suplex!

JS: C'mon!

JS: Man…OH!

JS: HEY! Aww.

JS: Bounce of the ropes…

[A Sabu chant breaks out. HEY! How did YOU get in here? I'm your replacement? The hell you are. *Fighting*]

JS: Hoodanconrana. Player 1 is down, and hurt.

JS: Oh man.

JS: Sabu is down!

JS: Hey. Player 1 is…Reversal of the fujiwara armbar.

[DING DING DING. Sabu wins by submission.]

MA: The winner of the video game I quit match, "Loony" Lenny!

LL: Woohoo! Gimme my title, RVD.

Dr. Doomsday: Sorry you simpleton (he says pulling out a very large book with the word RULE on the front). For it clearly states in here the RVD cannot lose the Only Communist World Title Owned By a German That Matters, and I quote word for word, "in the likelihood RVD has chosen RVD and his opponent has chosen Sabu in a video game I quit match on ECW Hardcore Revolution. Because Sabu is from Bombay, Michigan. And Michigan is in America. And America sucks."

Styles: What a screw job!

SW: Nice work there on the video game, Styles. Very generic.

Styles: How many times do I have to tell you, I am not Joey Styles. I'm…um…

SW: You don't even remember.

Styles: Mikey? YEAH. I'm MIKEY STYLES. What you think about that?

SW: You are Joey Styles and Mark is Tony Schiavone. We all know it.

Styles: And who are you supposed to be?

SW: I'm Scotty Whatbody.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[There should be something here, shouldn't there? Eh. *Shrugs* Not my problem. I just do the ON show stuff.]


MA: The following match is a gauntlet match.

["Them Bones" by Alice In Chains begins blasting, and out from the back steps the tall man in black himself.]

MA: First, coming to the ring, accompanied by his scythe, he is the one, the only, the greatest BOB performer of all-time, the most entertaining wrestler and a damn funny guy.

[Death slowly gets into the ring, stepping over the top rope.]

Death: Quit sucking up.

MA: DEAHT!

Death: You didn't.

MA: *Gulp*

Death: Tell me you didn't just misspell my name.

MA: Umm. No, that was the Detached Narrator!

[HEY! Don't make me come out there Masked Announcer! I'll kick your ass again!]

MA: DEATH!

Death: That's better.

MA: And Death's first opponent from Totally Face, the Other Half-Heavyweight Champion, Latin America Montezuma's Revenge Champion, and one half of the "Four Play" Tag Team champions. Brandon.

[Brandon runs to the ring. The bell rings.]

SW: Those belts probably weigh more combined than HE does.

Styles: Yeah, it's tough having a lot of gold, isn't it, Scotty? Oh, right, you didn't win any titles, did you? Well, let's see what the Bitch Smacker's strategy will be for fighting Death. He heads up to the top rope! HUDANCONRANA! But Death caught him!

MS: THE TOUCH OF DEATH!

SW: Death has less moves than Nash.

Styles: Cover! One, two, THREE. Brandon is DEAD!

MA: Introducing next, he is the co-holder of the Swiss Army Title, Josh.

Styles: What will the Massive Man of the Kent State Krew have in store for Death?

SW: Hmm. Let me think a second.

MS: It's a pier six brawl!

Styles: Josh is pounding away on Death. Look at him delivering rights to the much bigger, er, being. Josh goes for the Hulk Hogan style slam! Oh, his back hurts now.

SW: Death won't work with anybody.

MS: THAT'S HIS MOVE!

Styles: Touch of Death connects! Death puts a foot on Josh. One, two, three. Death is 2-0 against the Kent State Krew. He's got four more people to beat.

MA: Up next, also from Totally Face, he is half of the "Four Play" Tag Team Champions, Jim!

Styles: And here comes the Totally Packaged one. Jim is ready to fight. And Death and Jim lock up. Knee lift, knee lift, knee lift, knee lift. Death backs Jim into the corner. Death with a back elbow. And another. And another back elbow. And another back elbow. Death backs up.

MS: He LITERALLY, took his head off with that shot.

SW: WTF is this crap?

Styles: He measures up Jim. Crotch chop! And another back elbow. Uh oh. Now Death is choking Jim with a foot.

SW: Don't make me scream!

MS: Death is a POWERHOUSE.

Styles: Jim reverses! He drives a shoulder into Death's, um, middle area. I don't know what the hell is under that black get-up.

MS: What about Trey Vincent guys. He must be mighty POed.

Styles: We have a MATCH going on here with casualties, and you're talking about Trey Vincent?

MS: Trey Vincent is trying to ruin BOB.

SW: Yeah, well, Shill, you're not HELPING much with your stupid ass commentary.

MS: Will the iAd crumble tonight? Is the empire crumbling? Is the empire falling? Is the empire coming to an end?

Styles: While Shill was in shill mode, Jim went for the Krew Kutter, but Death reversed into the touch of death. Cover. One. Two. Three! Jim is dead and Death is 3-0 against the KSK.

MS: Oh, the humanity. So what about the iAd guys? Trey Vincent will

MA: Next up. The Western European Talc In The Shorts Adam Corolla Champion, Violent Pacifist!

Styles: Thank you Masked Announcer. Violent Pacifist is in the ring. This is the biggest man to my knowledge that Death has faced in the ring.

SW: Whoa, VP with a kick to the gut. He's going for a piledriver!

Styles: Death reversed. Back body drop.

MS: OF DOOM!

Styles: Death bends down.

MS: He hit that move from OUT OF NOWHERE.

Styles: (Agitated) ONE, TWO, THREE. Death has beaten four of the best in BOB.

MA: The next victim, Sir Hungalot.

SW: The bodies are starting to stack up out here on the floor. Ah, here comes Flunky with the wheelbarrow. It's about time. Slacker.

Styles: Hungalot charges at Death. TOUCH OF DEATH. OH MY GOD. Cover. One, two, THREE.

SW: Only one guy left, then we can be through with these jokes of Death matches. He never loses!

Styles: Never? I think ONE man has something to say about that!

MA: And the final member of the Totally Face gauntlet, one-half of Pain & Pleasure, Jean Bannister.

MS: What is the meaning of this?

Styles: Bannister is heading to the ring, bouncing a basketball! This isn't going to go over well with Death!

SW: Bannister holds a victory of Death from the March Mayhem 2002 tournament which has never aired, but we SWEAR really happened.

Styles: It's supposed to show up on Classix eventually. Hopefully.

SW: Don't hold your breath. At least not til after you call my match. Then you can do whatever you want.

Styles: Bannister puts the ball in the ring and slides inside.

MS: Hockey is his first sport, but I guess he's added basketball to his repertoire.

JB: Um, I do WRESTLE, Shill.

MS: Yes you do. Go, YOU.

Styles: Bannister is dribbling.

SW: Can we get him a napkin?

MS: The ball, lame brain, er, body!

Styles: Death seems, oddly, distracted by the bouncing ball.

JB: Wanna rematch, Death?

Death: Oh yeah. This time, I'm gonna kill you dead!

JB: Oops.

Styles: Bannister dropped the ball! Death goes for it! WHAT THE? COVER! ONE, TWO, THREE!

[Huge pop.]

SW: HOLY CRAP!

MS: This is the biggest upset of ALL TIME!

SW: HOLY CRAP. For once, you're UNDERSTATING it Shill. This literally IS THE BIGGEST UPSET IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE!

Styles: Jean Bannister has beaten DEATH, fair and square, in the middle of the ring, with a school boy roll!

MA: The winners of the match, TOTALLY FACE!

MS: WHAT A MOMENT!

SW: When Totally Face gets reanimated later, there is gonna be some MAJOR partying going on. Maybe they can look for some Kent State escorts. Hot sluts love heroes.

Styles: Jean Bannister, has not beaten Death once, but TWICE! OH MY GOD. I am speechless. Well, Flunky's got to wheel out the corpses, so we'll be right back after this line break!


["Taking Care of Business" (The "I Got's The Money" Mix) plays loudly over the PA as he BigBOSS struts out, resplendent in a new tuxedo. He flashes his cubic zirconium pinky ring at the camera and swaggers down the aisle.]

BigB: Thank you!

[There is scattered applause, mixed with the sound of footsteps... BOB fans can recognize a Bathroom Break segment with the best of them. Lock, Shock and Barry, the BOSSes budget bodyguards file down to the ring, bearing the BOB Medium-Sized Bucket, as well as the BOB Big Barrel, finally out of the pawn shop it's resided in since Mayhem 1.]

BigB: At this time, I would like to draw the participants for "Send Us Money: A Chance Would Be A Fine Thing!" The FIRST-EVER totally randomly-booked Pay-Per-View!

MS: It could be the GREATEST SPECTACLE IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

SW: Whoop-de-frickin'-doo!

BigB: Thank you, Underpaid Underlings.. All right, enough preamble! Let's get started! Firstly.. the Curtain Jerker match!

[Barry spins the Big Barrel briefly. The BigBOSS draws a card, then a second.]

BigB: And it will be... THE NEW, ORIGINAL UNDIETAKER vs. JEAN BANNISTER!

[Cut to the back, where all the BOB-sters are assembled before a single monitor. Both Undietakers are staring at Jean in the same way a wolf regards a frolicking lamb.]

JB: So... which one of you is the Original Undietaker, huh?

Both: I AM!

[Cut back to the ring.]

BigB: Oh, for heavens sake! The "You Will Dress... In Fleece!" one, okay? Okay.. next up we will have a...

[He draws a "Special Stipulation" card from the Medium-Sized Bucket.]

BigB: ..."Pin Your Partner" tag match! The only way to win is to get a three-count on your own partner! No submissions, count-out or DQ's! And the teams shall be... (draws cards) ... KHAN and THE VIOLENT PACIFIST vs. THE DSYLEXIC AVENGER and...

[He raises his thumbs above his shoulders and slowly intones;]

BB and Entire Crowd: R..V...D!

[We cut backstage again.]

Kahn: Meeeah?

The Violent Pacifist: Yes, you!

The Dsylexic Avenger: Right all! You me and, buddy! Team a we'll make great, DVR!

RVD: Pardon?

[Back to ringside.]

BigB: Our next contest will be the ever-popular "Potatoes and Gravy Bowl" match! Concept courtesy of Vince Russo!

[Numerous wolf-whistles and drunken howls fill the arena.]

SW: All RIGHT! About time we had some mindless T&A!

BigB: And the participants are... COMA vs. JOSH of the Kent State Krew!

SW: WHAT? Oh, mannnn.. that's gonna suck!

BigB: And the Special Guest Referee... (draws another card) ...KAY FABE!

MS: You were saying?

SW: WOO-HOO!

Styles: OH MY GOD! That'll be EXTREME!

[We cut backstage for a reaction shot. Josh is getting a severe ribbing from Brandon and Jim, Coma is making woodchuck noises and gently head-butting Randy Handi. We cut back to ringside before he can get MEAAAHed.]

BigB: Moving right along! The next match will be a SPECIAL ATTRACTION!

MS: WOW!

BigB: Indeed. It will in fact be the "Worlds' Smallest Battle Royal"! And the participants are....

[Drum roll]

BigB: "LOONY" LENNY! URINE! RANDY HANDI! And XAMFIR!

[Backstage we go. The four Battle Royale-rs rise and begin shoving each other around half-heartedly.]

BB's Voice: Winner gets a 10% payrise...

[The pushing becomes less half-hearted, quickly turning into a four-way fist-fight. They quickly spill out into a corridor. Muffled thumps and MEEEAHs recede into the distance as we head back to ringside.]

MS: This PPV is taking shape! It's going to be SENSATIONAL!

SW: Of course it is... *coughcoughMARKcough*

[The BigBOSS draws a Stipulation card and smiles evilly.]

BigB: The next match will be a "SPOTFEST SURPREME"! In this match, there will be no pinfalls, no submissions, no countouts or DQs! Instead, there will be a panel of Celebrity Judges who will score the match based on originality, execution and suicidal death-defyingness of spots! A five-spot minimum will be required, judged on a 100-point scale, dropping the high and low scores... highest average wins!

SW: I think SOMEONE'S been watching too much of the X-Games recently...

BigB: And the lucky participants are... (Draws card) ...KAMIKAZIE KEN...

SW: Oh, come on! He didn't draw Ken! Set-up! Set-up!

BigB: Wanna see the card, Whatbody?

Styles: OH MY GOD! He DID draw Kamikazie Ken! This is going to be HUGE! Who's his opponent?

BigB: It is... SARAH, THE JOBBER SLAYER!

[We cut to the locker room. All the BOB-sters are in gales of laughter except Sarah and Ken. Ken is doing a somewhat-overconfident victory dance around the room, while Sarah is a picture of rage.]

KK: I am SO going to win! Hey, Sarah... how many points are your side kicks worth? Or that spinning heel kick of yours? Kickkickkick!

STJS: Hey, shut up already!

[Little Good slouches into the room and sprawls untidily in a chair.]

Mr. X: You're late...

LG: So? I miss anything?

STJS: Yes, you're wrestling Kamikazie Ken at "A Chance Would Be a Fine Thing"...

LG: Fine by me...

[He "shoots" Ken with the forefingers of both hands.]

Bivalve: Ummm, I thought you were wrest...

KICK!

THUD!

STJS: Oops! Muscle spasm! *giggle*

[Back to ringside.]

BigB: Well, now that amusing vignettes' over with, let's continue, shall we? Match 6 will be a "Random Run-In" match. I have already drawn three wrestlers to make run-ins, so let's find out which two BOB Superstars will compete!

MS: This sounds like a classic match in the making! Who will it be?

BigB: It's... XXXTREME MACHINE vs THE UNDIETAKER!

[There's a moment of silence as we get a split-screen of the locker-room and the ringside area.]

Everyone in the Building: *coughcoughSQUASHcoughcough*

XXXtreme Machine: ha shtu up u dicksa it woont b a ssqash im gona kik hiss az

UT: UNDIETAKE!

XXXtreme Machine: HAY giv thoose bck

BigB: Okay... match number seven will be an..."Oil-Wrestling In A Telephone Booth" match? Who put THAT card in there?

[Everyone in the locker room turns to look at one person.]

Da Sassy Bitch: Well, it wasn't ME!

BigB: Anyway, we'll use the stip... and the match will be between... DA SASSY BITCH and STEVE STUDNUTS!

[Hysterical laughter breaks out.]

Josh: Yeah, SURE it wasn't you, Sassy!

Hooker T: Hey, it should be right up that BLOOOOWAAAAAA's alley!

Da Sassy Bitch: I'm NOT GAY!

Seth Harker: Hey, Trey... Do you want to call Steve and tell him about this, or can I?

[Trey produces a coin.]

TV: Call it!

BigB: Okay, match eight! Let's make this one a tag-match! And it will feature... THE POPE and former Special Ed Wrestling Jobber-To-The-Stars UNORTHODOXO taking on.... Kent Stater JIM and DUSTBUSTER BOY!

SW: Jim and Dustbuster Boy, huh? What's the team named... "Massively Sucking?"

Jim: I heard that, Whatbody!

BigB: The second-to-last match will see... HOOKER T vs. ... "STONE HOT" STEVE DAWSON!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

MS: Unbelievable! The Stoned Hookers will meet ONE on ONE!

BigB: And finally... The Main Event...

[He draws two cards and gives them a token glance.]

BigB: TREY VINCENT vs. HARDCORE JJ.. for the "ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS"!!

MS: WHOA!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

SW: Really? You really drew those two? Let's see those cards, BigBOSS!

BigB: (Chewing rapidly) What cards? *swallow* That's it folks, you have your PPV! Order NOW! I command you! Thank you, and good night!


I'm a Schmuck. He's a Schmuck. She's a Schmuck. Wouldn't you like to be a Schmuck too?

TheSCHMUCKSdotCOM

Rantsinterviewspornbeersexviolencewrestling.

Not Keith (voice): Schmuck you.


SW: Oh yeah, it's time! See you guys in a few minutes!

MA: The following is a special challenge match. Introducing first, from the announce table, weighing in at…well, I won't embarrass him.

SW: HEY!

MA: He is a living legend in his own mind and your color commentator, Scotty, WHATBODY.

[Over the PA, Kay Fabe's voice is heard: "IF YA SMELLLLLALALALALALALA. What the LESBIAN. Is….Cooking! "Queer" by Garbage begins to play, bringing out the sexiest Wiccan lesbian in parody sports entertainment today, Kay Fabe. Xamfir walks out behind her, still carrying the bell. Apparently he had to go backstage for the drawing.]

Styles: This one should be over quick.

[DING, DING, DING]

MS: What do you suppose Scotty's strategy will be in this match?

Styles: Probably cop as many feels as humanly possible. And here we go. There's the first one. Scotty locks Kay Fabe into a bear hug! Would you look at the lecherous smile on his face. Get YOUR HANDS OFF THAT!

MS: OH MY! She reverses it!

Styles: KAY'S BOTTOM! Oh, she took him down.

MS: The crowd is ON FIRE!

Styles: Kay is looking around. She licks her lips. She takes some gum out of her mouth and tosses it into the crowd.

Front row fan: Oww, my eye! I'm not supposed to get gum in it!

Styles: She bounces off the ropes.

MS: It's THE POPE!

Styles: The Pope is in the ring and charges at Kay! OH NO, he has his big pointy hat on! OH, Kay avoids the charge! Kay is staring at The Pope!

MS: This one could get ugly. There are some bitter feelings between these two!

Styles: There are? Well anyway. Wait. Kay Fabe is calling for the microphone! What is gonna happen here?

KF: Why in blue hell

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats to The Pope.]

PJP2: BLASPHEMER!

[Kay steals the mic.]

KF: Why have you brought your stinky, pimply old man ass into the lesbian's ring?

[Crowd pop. A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: You shall be smited down by the Right Hand of the Lord, Pope John Paul II! Listen up you dirty ho.

[Kay snatches the mic. She looks around at the crowd and licks her lips as a minor "Kay Fabe" chant breaks out.]

KF: We go back to a chat room. Lesbian Chat 69. The Pope pretending to be a lesbian, trying to act like a lesbian, trying to get with the Hot One. Kay Fabe has not, forgotten. Someday soon, but seeing as how this is BOB, probably sometime next year, Kay Fabe is gonna lay the carpet down on your righteous ass! And also, FINALLY, Kay Fabe, HAS…

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: God is da bomb. Do you really expect The Pope to sit here and listen to you drop knowledge when I should be kickin' it old school about the Big Guy upstairs. But what The Pope thinks you were trying to say is, FINALLY, GOD…

[Kay steals the mic. Crowd pop. A Kay Fabe chant begins again.]

KF: FINALLY, Kay Fabe has…

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: (Mockingly) Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe, Kay Fabe. What I think you're trying to say, finally GOD's RIGHT HAND MAN…

[Kay takes the mic again.]

KF: You don't grab the Hot One's mic. You don't hear Kay Fabe coming out and talking about (mockingly) blasphemer, blasphemer, blasphemer, blasphemer, blasphemer.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! BLASPHEMER! (The crowd starts chanting along with the Pope. Must be Catholics.) You don't like what I'm saying. If ya smell what the Pope's…

[Kay steals the mic back.]

KF: Bla…bla…bla, blasphemer. You don't see Kay Fabe saying stupid dookie jokes.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: I got one thing…

[Kay steals the mic back. She suddenly gets a whiff of something.

KF: Awww, CRAP! The lesbian smells what you're cooking. It smells like a SKUNK took a DUMP.

[Crowd pops.]

KF: There's a DOOKIE running down your leg, isn't there? Don't answer that. Well Pope, the Chimichanga Champion has something she would like to say to you. Kay Fabe wants you to take that hat…but a bunch of KY Jelly on it so its nice and lubed up. Then I want you to bend over and put your hat the Enema Express.

[Crowd pop. A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: You think you're funny? You call what I got in my diaper a dookie? You called it a dookie? She called it a dookie. That ain't no dookie lezzy. That's an offensive weapon. I call it a diaper full of dookie face! It hurts my feelings. You, beeeeeyotch. It'd be easy for us to throw down, but the Pope has found that often a little song eases the tension. So maybe I'll sing you a song right here and now. To ease the tension. I'm gonna dedicate this song to a lovely little boy who died for our sins. He went into a hotel in Mianus the other night…

[Crowd pop at the town name mention.]

PJP2: He put some nails on the counter and asked the manager to put him up for the night. That boy was Jesus Christ. *Ahem* You dawgs like that Britney Spears chick, right? Well, this is a little ditty that goes by the name of "I Got Baptized Again."

PJP2: *Singing* I repented again, I counted the cost to see that I'm scum, I'm sorry! I hate my life so much, but still I don't see how I hurt Jesus, 'Cause to give up my life, that is right for me, I'm so sorry…

PJP2: OH I.. got baptized again, I went in tub got saved one more time, Oh Jesus! I...I'm saved one more time, I feel so alive, I can't wait to evangelize. *End singing* Make you feel better?

[Kay takes the mic back.]

KF: Kay Fabe appreciates that. How about Kay Fabe sing a song to you. Would Mianus like to hear Kay Fabe sing?

[Crowd pop.]

KF: We're gonna do a little Lords of Acid for all you fine people in Mianus. *Ahem* *Singing* She has the body of a woman, she has the power to be witch. She has the body of a woman. She has the power…

KF: The magick is in the feeling, I can make you do what I want you to, The magick is in the feeling, I can make you do what I want you to, I'm gonna voodoo-u! *End singing* Make you feel any better.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: I feel dirty!

[Kay takes the mic back.]

KF: Well then let's do something together to make all these people happy.

[A holy light shines down and the microphone floats back to The Pope.]

PJP2: Does Mianus wanna see Scotty get his face in the Pope's anus.

Styles: OH MY GOD! That idea came out of nowhere!

PJP2: Styles, didn't you just hand me that index card? *Shrugs* What do I know. I can't even remember…what was I saying?

MS: Now, The Pope and Kay Fabe are working together!

Styles: A lesbian and the pontiff are unified. I'll be DAMNED. Catholicism just might be cool after all! They put Scotty in the corner who is amazingly still selling Kay's Bottom. OH NO! He's not going to do the smelliest move in parody sports entertainment today is he?

MS: THE DOOKIE FACE!

Styles: The Pope backs his holy ass up! Dookie Face into Scotty! Oh, I bet Nurse Heidi wishes she were here now!

[The Pope and Kay Fabe both laugh and shake hands and the crowd cheers and laughs.]

MS: This is surreal!

KF OH by the way. Kay Fabe will never EVER forget.

Styles: KAY'S BOTTOM ON THE POPE! Kay drags Scotty out to the middle of the ring! Cover! One, two, three!

[Crowd pops huge. Eddie B cranks "Queer" as Kay climbs onto the middle rope and holds her title up high.]


[Fade up on XXXtreme Machine.]

XM: ih if u wana b kool lik Xxterzrme Machene all u gotta do is cum 2 my cool book, Idiozt Guyde To Rping Ill show u how to do teh best RPs in whaever fed yur in.

Sent me #40 to !!! Harkore Ave, Smell Twon, Suth Datoka.


[Eddie B cranks up "Undies"]

MA: The next match is a tag team, um, match. Introducing first, weighing 320 pounds, he is from London, England, the D'oh Champion, the UNDIE-taker! And his partner, weighing 350 pounds, also of London, England, the Middle Eastern Camel Toe Champion, KHAN!

[They move their legs and aim for the ring. Whaddya know, they find it! Undietaker is dressed like an evil Undertaker. Khan is dressed similarly, except for the piece of cheese on his shirt.]

Styles: This is gonna get EXTREMELY CHEESY! And Scotty Whatbody is getting tended to somewhere in the building. Getting the brown off his face no doubt.

MS: Only in BOB will you see the POPE deliver the DOOKIE face!

Styles: Thanks Mark. By the way, the producers are telling me porno, gay, sexi web side, midgets, monkeys, unconscious, frat men, necrophilia, bestiality…what the hell? It's for the Web site? Why? Fine. It's all about HITS, HITS, HITS. Who is this?

MS: This match will be of EPIC proportions.

MA: And their opponents. Introducing first.

[Creepy organ music with some keyboard action begins playing.]

MA: From Parts Unknown. He weighs 338 pounds. He is, the Undietaker!

Styles: Yes, fans…we have two Undietakers. It's too long and complicated to adequately explain.

[Oh come now Styles. I could do it.]

Styles: Oh could you? Well go for it Mr. Narrator.]

[Well…in the start of this mess, there was the Undietaker. And then, a while later came the Undietaker. Both claim to be the original Undietaker, although one does claim to be the new Undietaker even though he is the real Undietaker but he's the new Undietaker in BOB because the second Undietaker really ripped off the original Undietaker who was a rip off of the Undertaker. So the real Undietaker existed before the new Undietaker, but the new Undietaker was the first Undietaker in BOB. Get it?]

Styles: …

MS: …

[Ahh, screw it. One has handis, one doesn't. Figure out the rest yourselves!]

Styles: Well, the poor man's Undertaker is out to the ring.

MA: And his tag team partner. From Hanes, Pa., weighing 269 pounds, he is the 10 Peso Version and Pipsa© Special champions, "The Japanese Hacksaw" Brock Venereal Disease!

["Her Strut" plays and out walks BVD with his usual undies on his head. They're for good luck!]

Styles: And this one is underway! Undietaker and Khan are beating on the Undietaker.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crowd: HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BVD: J-A-P-A-N! J-A-P-A-N.

Crowd: Booooo.

Styles: BVD finally gets in the ring. But Undietaker has been no-selling like a pro. Two men assaulting him and no falling down!

MS: It's the irresistible forces against the immovable object!

Styles: And BVD joins in the fight. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crowd: HOOOOOOOOOOO!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Undietaker and Khan grab BVD by the throat! DOUBLE CHEESESLAM TO HANDILAND!

Undietaker: Undies are mine, YESSSSS!

Styles: And to add insult to injury, Undietaker just took the undies off BVD's head!

MS: This is the blackest day in the HISTORY of our SPORT.

Styles: Maybe you mean brownest. But I digress. Undietaker just undie took from the Undietaker!

Undietaker: Yoink.

Undietaker: HEY! I've had just about enough of this. Yoink.

Styles: Undietaker just took the undies back from Undietaker!

MS: The undies that Undietaker took off BVD's head?

Styles: Those same ones!

Undietaker: YOINK. YEEEEES! Undies are mine….AGAIN!

Undietaker: Yoink. Not so fast. You well DRESS…IN….

Undietaker: Yoink. UNDIETAKE! YEEEEEES!

Styles: BVD just went under the ring. OH NO. He's pulled out his patented foam 2x4 board! He's in the ring! And he hits the Undietaker with the board. And there's one for Khan. Both are staring at BVD.

MS: They withstood BRUTAL shots there.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crowd: HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Styles: And NOW what? BVD just dug into his pants. And he pulls out. A roll of tape? He's wrapping the tape around his foot!

MS: This can't be good for the Undietaker and Khan.

Styles: OH MY GOD! Undietaker from behind low blows both Khan and Undietaker! And HE JUST STOLE THEIR UNDIES!

Crowd: OHHHHHHHHH.

Styles: OH MY GOD! BVD with a stiff, taped foot to Khan.

Crowd: OHHHHHHHHH.

Styles: OH my GOD! Undietaker is DOWN!

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Crowd: HOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Styles: BVD is giving the crowd a thumbs up. WHY? I have NO idea! He's just staring out at the crowd.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOO!

Styles: And BVD is going in for the kill.

MS: That's HIS MOVE.

Styles: BVD has the Seven Day Itch locked in to the Undietaker!

Undietaker: Put it on the OTHER Undietaker you IDIOT.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOO!

Styles: Now BVD puts the Seven Day Itch headscissors onto the right Undietaker this time! UH OH. Undietaker is powering up!

MS: What is he going to do here?

Xamfir: Is Scotty coming back or can I take his spot?

Styles: Xamfir! There is a match going on!

Xamfir: Yeah, I get that. May I?

Styles: Undietaker with a 69 Undie Drop on BVD!

MS: BUT BVD HELD ON!

Styles: I don't believe it! BVD has his legs wrapped around Undietaker's head and he won't let go!

RIIIIIIIIP

Xamfir: Wow, Undietaker just ripped BVD's undies free, but he can't get his head free!

Styles: The Undietaker tosses Khan to the floor and the fight is on. OH MY GOD! He picks up Khan for a Wedgie Aided Chokeslam on the floor! And the Undietaker has Khan's UNDIES.

MS: And now Undietaker heads back inside, where BVD still has the Seven Day Itch locked on Undietaker. He steals BVD's stolen undies from the Undietaker! And now he's running away.

MS: Undietaker taps out! I don't believe it!

[DING, DING, DING!]

Styles: Hey. Don't hold the bell so close to the microphone? OK?

Xamfir: OK Styles.

MS: The Undietaker is going after the Undietaker. He wants to take back his taken Undies.

MA: The winners of the match, BVD and the Undietaker.

BVD: HOOOOOOOOOO!

Crowd: HOOOOOOOOO!

[BVD gives a thumbs up!]

Styles: Let's go to commercials.


[Black screen.]

Voice: ARE THERE ANY COMMERCIALS LEFT? NO! DAMNIT!


Styles: And we're back!

SW: And so am I.

Styles: Welcome back. Did you get the smell out?

SW: Shut up, Styles. That chair is MINE next time we have a Chloroform.

Styles: Sure, Scotty. Sure. Just keep believing it.

SW: What do you mean?

Styles: Check the contract I just signed.

SW: *Papers shuffling* Blah blah blah. WTF? DAMN IT! I've been screwed over more times in this company than Jenna Jameson, Kobe Tai, Sky Lopez and Raylene combined!

MA: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the MAIN EVENT of SUNDAY MORNING CHLOFORORM. *Ahem* Er, CHLOROFORM. And it is for the Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Championship, of the WORLD. Are you ready?

[No reaction.]

MA: Mianus, are, you reeeeeeeeeeeeeady?

[Somebody farts.]

MA: Then, for the dozens of loyal viewers, and the hundreds who will find the show by accident with an odd, disturbing Internet search on Google. Ladies and gentlemen. Let's get ready to BUMBULLLLLLLLLLLL.

[Eddie B plays "The Sopranos" theme song. Out walks Mr. X.]

MA: From Fahgettaboutit. He weighs I ain't sayin' nuthin', Mr. X!

Styles: And here comes Mr. X in the biggest match of his life.

SW: Yeah, he probably won't get another title shot. Which is saying something, since there are 47 championships here.

[The TinyTron lights up and we are just barely able to make out some words on it:

KNOW HIM

FEAR HIM

RESPECT HIM

DARKSIDER

THE

FUTURE

IS

HARKER]

MA: And his opponent. From Parts Unknown…somewhere in the vicinity of New Zealand, weighing 217 pounds, and representing the incurable Apathy disorder, he is the Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion. Seth, HARKER.

[He steps out to "The Right Time" by the Hoodoo Gurus, decked out in his usual leather trenchcoat and sunglasses. The crowd lets out a huge cheer. Seth no-sells it. A fan throws a soda cup at him. No reaction. Man, just like his BSCW bio says!]

Styles: What's this?

[Backstage, Trey Vincent and Steve Studnuts are heading towards the exit.]

TV: There's only one way I can deal with all this amazing crap. Let's go get drunk.

SS: Fine with me. Let's blow this place like we're gonna be blowing some lucky ho-ore.

[Back at the ring, Seth is squinting at the TinyTron in disbelief. He shrugs and finishes his entrance.]

MS: The iAd has left Harker ON HIS OWN. I sense a RIFT within the iAd! Could it be FALLING APART BEFORE OUR VERY EYES?

SW: You do realize Seth is wrestling Mr. X?

[DING DING DING]

Styles: Our main event is about to GET EXTREMELY HARDCORE!

MS: It's TIME.

Styles: Harker charges and connects with a spinning heel kick. He drops the title on the mat and picks up Mr. X for a BRUTAL short arm clothesline!

SW: Man, here goes Harker again. Trying to WRESTLE with one of the BOB-sters.

Styles: Harker with a springboard moonsault!

MS: The crowd is electric!

SW: What do you expect? It's the first real moves we've seen tonight!

Styles: Chop!

Crowd: WHOOOO.

Styles: Chop!

Crowd: WHOOO!

Styles: Now Harker with a snap suplex. Now he's heading up to the top rope! OH MY GOD! A frog splash! The Darksider is in TOTAL CONTROL.

MS: MR. X is DEAD!

Styles: What the hell is this? Xamfir has just gone into the ring and is doing the Snoopy Dance! OH NO. Harker's got the AYOOYFM Title Belt!

MS: HE HIT HIM!

Styles: Harker's still got the belt! OH MY! Mr. X with a superkick! THE AYOOYFM BELT CRACKS HARKER'S SKULL! That's EXTREME!

Mr. X: OWWWWW, my GROIN! OWWWWWWWWW.

MS: What a manuever.

Styles: But Mr. X is grabbing at his groin. He may have pulled it.

SW: Bwahahaha. Pulled his groin!

Styles: Well…you know what I mean. Get your mind out of the gutters! Wait a minute? What is the ref doing?

Generic Ref: Where does it hurt?

MX: I ain't sayin' nuthin'.

Generic Ref: Can you continue the match?

MX: What's a match?

GR: You're fighting for the AYOOYFM championship!

MX: Hey yo, yo hey, who sez I'm fighting for anything?

[Generic Ref smacks his forehead. Then he turns around.]

SW: What is he doing?

Crowd: ONE…..TWO……..THREE!

Styles: What the hell?

[DING DING DING]

MS: What…what…what have we just seen here?

MA: You want me to announce what?

[Generic Ref picks up the AYOOYFM Title.]

MA: The winner of the match…and NEWWWW, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND CHAMPION…*sigh* The ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!

Styles: WHAT?

MS: WHAT?

Crowd: WHAT?!

Styles: OH MY GOD! The Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Championship has won itself? I think the universe is about to collapse in on itself.

MS: This is the single most AMAZING moment I have ever witnessed.

SW: You know…every BOB show I think I've seen THE SINGLE MOST retarded thing I can see. Then I go to the next show…

Styles: Uh oh. We've got company! BIVALVE is in the ring! HE SPEARS THE TITLE BELT! Right out of Generic Ref's hands! Cover!

Crowd: One…two….

MS: "LOONY" LENNY WITH A LOONY LANDING.

Styles: And it breaks up the cover. Lenny is stomping away on the title belt. He's stomping a mud hole in the title. Cover.

Crowd: One….TWO….Ohhhhh.

Styles: And it's Jean Bannister! He hits Lenny with a hockey stick! And he cracks Bivavle over the skull with the stick. Both men are down. It's just Bannister and the Title, one on one.

MS: OH, what a crack. He nailed the belt with the hockey stick! He makes the cover!

Crowd: ONE…TWO….OHHHHHH!

MS: RVD!

SW: He just crushed Bannister with a Six-Star Frog Splash. He tosses Bannister out of the ring.

Styles: Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. Everyone who DIDN'T win a title on the last show is trying to get some gold now!

SW: Is that really any justification?

MS: WHAT A MOVE! That's got to be it.

Crowd: ONE…TWO….OHHHH…

Styles: The New Age Inlaws have hit the ring!

SW: They might want to break up the pin attempt?

Styles: And they just make it in time. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.

SW: When's the dancing coming?

RVD: Start dancing Jim!

Styles: Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch.

MS: Billy's going for the cover!

Crowd: ONE….TWO….OH!

Styles: Billy just picked up the TITLE!

BB: No, no, no. It ain't had enough yet!

Styles: Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. Punch. OH AND RVD with a spin kick! That was STIFF!

RVD: Stupid American.

Styles: Billy with an Unfamouser on the AYOOYFM Belt! COVER!

Crowd: ONE…TWO…OH!

MS: RVD makes the save just in the nick of time! He heads to the top rope. Six-Star Frog Splash on Jim. He heads back up top. SIX-STAR FROG SPLASH on Billy! He heads back up….split-legged moonsault onto the title! COVER!

SW: Now Dyslexic Avenger is in the ring.

Styles: He picks RVD up. Drop Dyslexic! DA picks up the title! Drop Dyslexic on the belt.

MS: The belt is OUT COLD!

SW: Nobody can pin a friggin' title?

MS: COVER!

Crowd: One…TWO…OHHHHH.

SW: Sculder? Oh, COME ON!

Styles: Whoa. Sculder with a cover!

MS: What a move?

Crowd: ONE. TWO. GRRRRRRR!

SW: It's the Big Sir! Sir Hungalot is in to get hardcore!

Styles: Hungalot tosses Avenger to the floor and looks down at the title. Oh NO! He's going for the G-Spot! He's got it locked in!

MS: Will the belt TAP OUT?

SW: This segment just gets worse and worse…

Styles: XXXtreme Machine is in the ring!

SW: See?

Styles: But he walks right into a G-spot!

MS: XXXtreme Machine tapped!

Styles: So what? He's not in the match! He's not the champion!

SW: he's just a puss-

Styles: Scotty!

MS: Unoriginal Man! He grabs The Big Sir and locks HIM into the G-Spot!

SW: Now he's ripping off BOB characters?

MS: THE SNAPMARE KID IS HERE!!

Styles: And he's cleaning HOUSE! SNAPMARE on Unoriginal Man! And he is OUT!

MS: What a BEAUTIFUL move!

Styles: And Sir Hungalot feels the SNAPMARE! OH MY GOD! What SNAP! And there goes XXXTREME MACHINE! Snapmare Kid has laid EVERYONE OUT!

MS: And listen to that crowd!

Crowd: PIN THE DAMN BELT! PIN THE DAMN BELT!

Styles: SNAPMARE KID HITS A SNAPMARE ON THE TITLE! OH NO! He appears to have hurt his wrist!

SW: Oh no!

MS: AND. IT'S DEATH!

Styles: Death is in the ring. OH MY GOD! He just KILLED the AYOOYFM belt! This one has got to be over!

Crowd: One….two…..

Styles: COMA?

SW: Only Coma would be dumb enough to come in and take a title away from Death.

MS: Coma, holder of the Up Yo' Ass Sucka title and Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This Is Not A Championship Belt But It's Close" has got the AYOOYFM Champion. And he's running away with it? What is this all about?

Styles: Death is staring at Coma. He's stumped.

SW: We all are. Why is Coma stealing the Title. And the champion?

Styles: I guess this is a hot closer.

SW: If you say so…


© 2002 BOB Wrestling. It's just like a bad acid trip (drugs are bad)!

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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