Number 1 among brain dead viewers age 18-35!
[We are on tape in Kickapoo, Illinois, for part one of tonight's special March Mayhem comes to Sunday Morning Chloroform event. So let's send it down to Mike Monroe and Styles to lead us through the action here. And excuse me, because I've got to get out to the ring...]
Mike Monroe: Hello fans, and welcome to March Mayhem on Sunday Morning Chloroform. I'm Mike Monroe, along with Styles.
Styles: That's right, Mike. And OH MY GOD, what a big match we've got tonight in Kickapoo!
MM: Indeed we do. We don't know who is going to be in the match yet, but all we know is BigBOSS asked us to be here in Kickapoo to call the action.
Styles: Tonight, fans, you will see FOUR BIG MATCHES, all battle royals. The winners of the four matches will go on to Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive, to compete for the vacant Swiss Army Belt!
MM: So let's not waste another minute. Let's get to the ring and see who might possibly hold the Swiss Army Belt! Take it away, Masked Announcer!
MA: The opening match is a battle royal match! Now making their way to the ring. BigBOSS! Detached Narrator! Eddie B.! Igpay Atinolay Eathay! John "Skeeter" Skeet! LilBOSS! Mr. Paradox! Misty Waters! Nurse Heidi! Pigeon! Randy Handi! Rubba Ray Drudley! Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"! Scotty Whatbody! Super Gluey! Unit 5!
Styles: It sure would be a shame if Scotty got hurt in this one, eh Mikey?
MM: Yes, a shame indeed. But let's not forget, Styles. We will also be competing in one of these battle royals. BOB's roster is quite small. BOB is an equal opportunity company. Sure, we may risk being paralyzed, since we're totally untrained. But we could also get the chance to win the Swiss Army Belt.
Styles: I'm a former champion, myself, Mike, in case you forgot. I held, not one, but FOUR titles! Oh my GOD was I EXTREME!
MM: Yeah, you sure had the luck of the draw on the first Chloroform.
Styles: I was undefeated with two of my titles.
MM: And this battle royal is under way. Eliminations can take place by pin, submission or throwing your opponent over the top rope. But both feet have to touch the floor.
Styles: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is looking to get at Mr. Paradox right away, but Scotty Whatbody grabs her from behind in a...move that doesn't even CLOSELY resemble a wrestling move. Good God, Scotty! He is SO gonna get his ass kicked for touching Sarah there!
MM: He might even get sued for that. Good God.
Styles: Paradox is the scumbag that ended Xamfir's career by poking out his eye last year. Jeannie tried and tried, but her wishes couldn't return his eye to working order.
MM: Super Gluey has a chair superglued to his hand, as usual. He charges at Skeeter.
Styles: OH MY GOD! What IMPACT!
MM: That could cave in his face.
Styles: And somewhere, I'm sure, Seth Harker, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot are laughing hysterically after THAT call. Paradox is beating on poor Eddie B. the soundman. Now I know why there wasn't any entrance music. Nurse Heidi is holding her own against Rubba Ray Drudley, to my shock.
MM: I'm shocked. I figured she'd go after Scotty. When everything would be nice and legal.
Styles: Battle royals, especially ones based on a basketball tournament, are anything but predictable, Mike.
MM: Igpay Atinolay and Detached Narrator are going at it in the corner. In his human form, he doesn't have nearly the power as he has in brackets.
Styles: Misty Waters is in control with BigBOSS. She better not hurt him too bad or he'll dock her pay.
MM: It looks like LilBOSS is trying to lift Unit 5 out of the ring, but that's quite a heavy load for the little guy to handle on his own.
Styles: Unit 5, of course, won this event last year. And he has yet to get his shot at the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, because Violent Pacifist and the rest of Totally Heel went on strike.
MM: Pigeon is back in a BOB ring this morning. He's squared off with another former BOBster, Randy Handi. Pigeon with a drop toe hold into the ropes for the charging Randy.
Pigeon: What about ME? What about PIGEON!
Randy: What about...MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!
Styles: Big boot to Pigeon!
MM: Sarah with a spinning punch to Scotty Whatbody, who goes down in a heap. Sarah is stomping on him ruthlessly! Oh this is great!
Styles: She is stomping him with her stylish, yet affordable sports entertainment boots. We may have to change his name to Scotty Brokenbody after this beating!
MM: Sarah drags a dazed Scotty Whatbody to his feet.
Styles: TRIPLE KICK! OH MY GOD WHAT A MOVE! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! TOTAL ELIMINATION to Scotty!
MM: Meanwhile, on the other side of the ring, Paradox has Eddie B. up on his shoulders. Oh. He just dropped Eddie B. down onto the apron over the top rope, and Eddie falls to the floor.
Styles: The unpadded floor. BOB has had to cut back on its budget, thanks to Comedy Central. So we've had to eliminate safety pads from the floor. Adding to the element of danger tonight for all the competitors.
MM: And the fans are going wild as Sarah charges at Paradox and drags him down from behind. She is stomping mercilessly on Paradox.
Styles: What is LilBOSS doing? He's wrapped a big strap around Unit 5 and he's climbing up on the ropes, trying to pull Unit 5 over!
MM: Sarah tries to whip Paradox into Unit 5, but Paradox reverses!
Styles: LilBOSS falls to the floor! OH MY GOD! Did you HEAR that splat when he hit the concrete?
MM: I sure did, Styles. I guess Unit 5 will be credited for that elimination on a technicality.
Styles: RUBBA BOMB on Heidi! Oh my GOD, that's gotta hurt!
MM: Super Gluey going high risk. Rubba stands up!
Styles: Oh my GOD! Rubba Ray just got a shot meant for Skeeter! Rubba flops to the mat.
MM: Igpay hits a tornado DDT on Detached Narrator. What a move.
Styles: Misty Waters slams BigBOSS. It's time for the Misty Mountain Stomp!
Crowd: STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!
Styles: OH my GOD! I think the stomp to the crotch was a bit much!
MM: Yeah, she's definitely gonna have her pay cut for that one.
Styles: COVER! One! Two! Three! BigBOSS is OUTTA here!
MM: Generic Ref is doing good keeping up with all this crazy action here.
Styles: Paradox with a German suplex on Sarah!
MM: Gluey has Skeeter trapped in the corner. He climbs up.
Crowd: Uno! Dos! Tres! Uhh...
Styles: Guess the crowd doesn't know enough Spanish to keep counting along, but, Super Gluey just hit Skeeter ten times in the head with a chair! He's CRAZY!
MM: No, Styles, he's GLUEY.
Styles: Igpay lifts Detached Narrator on top of Unit 5. What is he trying to do here? Detached Narrator fights back with punches. He drags Igpay on top of Unit 5 with him. He spins Igpay around. He's trying for a superplex off the washing machine!
MM: Igpay blocks it though. He spins Detached Narrator around. He tries for a suplerplex. It's blocked.
Styles: Detached Narrator spins Igpay around. But Detached spins him around again. Igpay spins Narrator around. And Detached returns the favor again. These guys have GOT to be getting dizzy.
MM: They're spinning around. And around. And around. Uh oh. Igpay's got the advantage, but his aim is way off because he's so dizzy. He lifts up Narrator and falls backward.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Detached Narrator crashes to the floor! Igpay is hanging on for dear life on that strap LilBOSS left around Unit 5! He's dangling over the ropes, hanging onto Unit 5.
MM: Pigeon hits a low blow on Randy. Heidi whips Rubba Ray into the corner. Handspring elbow smash to Rubba Ray. The crowd is loving it. Heid's got some moves.
Styles: Super Gluey charges at Skeeter. He jumps up on him. Monkey flip! Oh my GOD! Skeeter just landed back first on the top rope and the ropes didn't collapse! I'm shocked!
Skeeter: And, OWWWW!
MM: Now stepping in at the plate. Number Uno. Super Gluey. He winds up!
Styles: OH MY GOD! That was a homerun shot to Skeeter's skull!
MM: And Skeeter flops to the floor. Pigeon with a low blow to Randy. He's going for the Unevenflow DDT.
Styles: OH MY GOD, that was pathetic! Pigeon just lost his grip on Randy as he was trying to hit the Unevenflow DDT. Randy scratches his head, but quickly grabs Pigeon by the throat. He lifts him up!
Styles: Randy connects with his Meah! What a show-stopper of a superkick!
MM: And Pigeon flies out of the ring to the floor.
Styles: Misty Waters is going to work on Super Gluey now. Paradox and Sarah are still going at it. And Heidi is desperately trying to push Rubba Ray over the top rope, but he's too heavy for her to move.
MM: Don't forget Igpay, who is trying to climb back into this thing, but he isn't making any progress.
Styles: Randy Handi just clotheslined Sarah and Mr. Paradox down. He picks up Sarah and whips her into the ropes. Big boot! Randy picks up Paradox and whips him into the corner.
MM: And there goes Rubba Ray!
Styles: Randy charges in to Paradox, but gets two feet to his face. But Heidi out of nowhere wraps her legs around Paradox and takes him down with a Heidicanrana.
MM: But Paradox is right back up. He charges at Heidi and clotheslines her down hard. He drags her right up by the hair.
Styles: REVERSE BACKBREAKER WITH A SPANISH TWIST! That was brutal!
MM: Sarah heads to the top rope. She tries for a Sarahconrana, but Randy catches her. He's walking toward the ropes. Sarah starts pounding away like crazy on Randy, desperately trying to avert being tossed to the concrete.
Styles: Misty eats a chair!
MM: Paradox drags a lifeless Nurse Heidi to her feet. And he tosses her easily over the top rope. Heidi is done for today.
Styles: Igpay just fell! He lost his grip. And that's gotta be some nasty strap burn on the way down.
MM: Sarah is still pounding away on Randy.
Styles: Where is Paradox going? He wasn't eliminated. He's still in this thing.
MM: I don't know, Styles. But after he tossed out Heidi, he got out of the ring under the bottom rope and is heading toward the entrance for some reason.
Styles: Randy finally falls backward, saving Sarah's shot at the Swiss Army Belt. No, Gluey, NO!
Styles: OH MY GOD! He just bashed Misty Waters in the skull again! What is WRONG with him? He's CRAZY!
MM: Gluey, Styles. GLUEY.
Styles: She's just a girl.
MM: She's tough, Styles. Don't ever count her out.
Styles: Misty Waters is wearing the crimson mask. I hope Super Gluey is happy with himself.
MM: Sarah is yelling for Randy to come and get her. Randy struggles to his feet. Sarah charges, Randy ducks!
Styles: Sarah ducks! OH MY GOD! Randy just landed crotch-first on the top rope!
MM: And Sarah with a spinning kick! Randy falls to the floor.
Styles: Gluey has Misty set up on the top rope. He backs up and charges forward. Reverse mule kick!
Styles: And he has chairs super glued to his boots! OH MY GOD! Misty is dead! She falls to the apron, and to the floor.
MM: Here comes Paradox, driving a forklift!
Styles: Now I get it! He knows that he can't eliminate Unit by himself. So he's gonna do it the simple way. That's the forklift that usually brings Unit 5 out to the ring.
MM: Sarah with a dropkick to the back to Super Gluey's skull. She grabs his hand with the chair glued to it.
STJS: Stop hitting yourself!
STJS: C'mon, stop hitting yourself!
STJS: Why you hitting yourself, Gluey!
MM: Paradox has Unit 5 up! He drives backward up the aisle. What the HELL is he doing? Where is he taking Unit 5?
Styles: Paradox may be trying to do some serious damage to a helpless Unit 5. And the crowd is booing Paradox. Is he going to try and end Unit 5's career here? Oh no! He's driving Unit 5 toward that Dumpster! No! Don't do it, Paradox!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Unit 5 has just been dropped into that Dumpster! Oh no! That Dumpster is full of all sorts of things that could clog Unit 5's spin cycle! This could have serious long-term damage!
MM: You're not kidding, Styles. Now what? Paradox is climbing into the Dumpster with his samurai sword. He holds up Unit 5's electric cord.
Styles: That SON OF A BITCH just sliced his cord off! How low can this piece of trash go! Isn't throwing him in a Dumpster off a forklift enough?!
MM: Meanwhile, in the ring, Super Gluey has busted himself open, as Sarah makes him punch himself over and over. Sarah dumps him over the top rope.
Styles: That means it's down to Mr. Paradox and Sarah "The Jobber Slayer'! Oh my GOD! And Paradox has his sword with him as he cautiously walks back toward the ring where Sarah is waiting, in fighting position.
STJS: Ah, crap.
Styles: Sarah quickly slides to the floor.
SG: MIIIIIIIIEEEEEEERRRRRRRDAAAAAA SAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNTAAAAAAA! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Styles: OH MY GOD! She just ripped that chair off Super Gluey's hand. Along with plenty of his flesh, no doubt. But now she's got a weapon to defend herself from Paradox and his deadly sword.
MM: Paradox is in. Sarah and Paradox cautiously circle each other.
MP: You know, Sarah. I did Xamfir a favor. I only took one of his eyes. You aren't going to be quite so lucky.
Styles: Paradox charges!
Fan: AHHHHHH! My eye!
Styles: Sarah with a hellacious chair shot to Paradox. She grabs him by the ankles. Catapult!
MM: Paradox is hanging on the top rope. His bare feet haven't touched the floor. Sarah moves in for the kill.
Styles: Paradox grabs Sarah around the neck with his legs! He pulls her over! OH MY GOD! Both of them just fell! Paradox lost his grip as he was pulling Sarah out with his feet!
MM: Who won?
Styles: I don't know, Mike. I guess we're going to have to go to Generic Ref for the decision, as both brawlers ended up on the floor. I just don't know whose feet hit first.
[The camera goes around the side of the ring and we see Sarah is laying flat on her back, with both feet sticking straight up in the air.]
GR: Umm...I guess the winner is Sarah!
[The crowd pops.]
MA: The winner of the first battle royal, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
Styles: Oh, what a moment. This one's for you, Xamfir. Sarah is gonna win that Swiss Army Belt and make up for all that has been done to you.
[Cut to an unshaved, grungy Xamfir in boxers and a wifebeater and an eyepatch.]
Xamfir: Right...because that'll make up for me not being able to see out of one eye. Jeannie. Where's my gun?
[Back to the arena.]
Styles: Uh oh. Well, uh...I guess that's it for here.
MM: It certainly has been a wild start to Sunday Morning Chloroform. Let's send this one over to Truth Or Consequences, New Mexico, with Nurse Heidi and Mark Shill. Take it away!
[So, let's head over to New Mexico, as Mike said, for part two of our show today.]
Nurse Heidi: Wow, what a shocker. Now Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" has the chance to win both the Swiss Army Belt and THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive!
Mark Shill: This is, without a shadow of a doubt, the GREATEST CHLOROFORM in the HISTORY of CHLOROFORMS. And even though it hasn't even aired and the card isn't finalized, I don't feel it would be going out on a limb to say that THIS will be the CAN'T MISS EVENT of 2005 for BOB fans. Fans, if you only order ONE BOB-On-Demand spectacular this year, THIS is the one you must BUY! Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive!
NH: Well, let's go see who will be in this next contest. Take it away, Masked Announcer.
MA: Now making their way to the ring. Britney Smears! Coma! Commentator! Dr. Thrilla! The Flunky! Hooker T! Kamikazie Ken! Little Good! Meat Puppet! Nic Flare! Rob Van Spam! Steve Studnuts! Stinkbutt Nastyass! Trey Vincent! XXXtreme Machine! And...already in the ring, me, Masked Announcer!
NH: Wow, Masked Announcer is in this one.
MS: Only in BOB will you see our announcers taking part in battle royals! Call your friends. Call your neighbors. Call strangers and let them know BOB is on the air!
NH: It's about 3:30 a.m., Shill, I wouldn't go around telling people to call people at this time of day. Unless you want death threats to your children.
MS: HERE WE GO!
NH: And remember, Steve Studnuts' title is on the line because of the 16/6 rule. And Dr. Thrilla goes right after him with a yellow deer crossing sign. But Studnuts catches it and kicks Thrilla very low and very hard.
MS: Studnuts is being HUNTED by everybody on the roster at the moment. He's having to fight off everybody! Goodness GRACIOUS!
NH: Except Trey, who is busy with Masked Announcer. Well, not anymore, as Masked Announcer is tossed to the floor! Ouch. Masked Announcer is out quick. Trey looking to help his partner out now.
MS: Studnuts sidesteps The Flunky! HEAVEN'S TO BETSY! Studnuts tosses him to the floor with EASE!
NH: Nic Flare charges at Studnuts.
NF: I'm the best! Whooooooo!
NH: Studnuts retaliates by clotheslining Flare out of his boots! Literally! Now Studnuts picks up the boots and is beating Flare with them! Oh, how embarrassing for Flare. Flare fell on Little Good's boots, and Little Good doesn't seem to happy about it. He pulls up Flare and begins pounding the living hell out of him.
TC: By gawd, Heidi and Mark! What a contest we have here tonight! It's one hellacious ride I'm in for as I attempt to take the You Gotta Be Kidding yadda yadda yadda title right now!
NH: I thought we had budget cuts. How do you get a mic in the ring?
TC: I'm just talking really loud. Through hellfire and Keystone, here goes nothing!
NH: Commentator charges at Studnuts, but he misses and runs into Dr. Thrilla.
TC: By gawd, what an auspicious start to the match for good old TC!
DT: *Metal clanging*
NH: Uh-oh! Stinkbutt Nastyass is in position to unleash some mustard gas on Studnuts. Studnuts grabs Britney Smears!
BS: EWWWWWWWW! ACKK! WHY GOD WHY?
NH: Smears' face absorbed the worst of it. And in her other career, she's used to having her face absorb bad things.
MS: As a musician?
NH: Yeah, sure, Mark.
MS: Kamikazie Ken is...hey! We need that desk! This is the most SHOCKING turn of events in the HISTORY of Sunday Morning Chloroform. You'll only see Kamikazie Ken stealing the Flimsy Announce Table on SMC fans!
NH: Coma has Hooker T trapped in a corner.
Coma: I'm the POINK TIME, NARF TIME, SQUEEP TIME, TWEEP TIME Remove This Rubber Ducky From My Doggy Before The SWAT Team Monkeys Show Up Chimpion. Oook! Can you blogger that POINKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
NH: Kamikazie Ken has the table set up at ringside. Hold on! Ken grabs the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt. He sneaks up behind XXXtreme Machine. Oh what a shot to the back of his numb skull.
MS: The title belt is trying to get an early advantage as we head towards the BIGGEST BOB EVENT OF THE MILLENNIUM! ON YOUR HARD DRIVE!
NH: Ken tosses XXXtreme Machine over the top rope and follows XXXtreme out to put him onto our former table. Which I'm sure will be fire wood in a few seconds. Kamikazie Ken heads to the top rope. He grabs the title belt. Oh no! He dives!
MS: And listen to the crowd roar! OH WHAT A MOMENT!
NH: Ken used the title belt to deliver one extreme legdrop. That belt was driven into XXXtreme Machine's skull. I hope XXXtreme Machine can't read, because that belt's name must be ingrained in his flesh!
MS: Moves like that will put butts in the seats!
NH: As long as he doesn't steal the chair from them to use as a weapon.
MS: OH! What a move by Thrilla!
NH: What was it?
MS: A move!
NH: What kind of move?
MS: I haven't the FOGGIEST, Heidi! But WHAT A MOVE!
TC: In my three years, I have never seen myself eliminated by a man with bear-trap teeth. Damn you, Thrilla, you sonofabitch!
NH: Well, Commentator apparently is out of this battle royal.
Hooker T: Yo, man, enough of this.
NH: I don't believe my eyes. Hooker T just eliminated himself! I guess he couldn't take anymore of Coma's witticisms. What else is going on in there? It seems like Studnuts has been able to keep his title despite the insanity going on around him.
MS: THAT'S HER MOVE!
NH: Where? Oh! Britney just speared Stinkbutt Nastyass! She still looks woozy from that mighty fart blast he let rip earlier. He must've been saving that up to weaken Studnuts. Oh no! What's she doing! You can't powerbomb Stinkbutt!
NH: Ewwww. But Britney puts a hand over her nose before the stench can get to her. She grabs Stinkbutt with one hand and tosses him over the top rope! Goodbye and good riddance. Little Good and Nic Flare are in the corner. Chop by Flare!
NH: Chop by Little Good!
NH: Chop by Flare!
NH: Chop by Little Good!
NH: Cut and paste by BigBOSS.
NH: BigBOSS tries to make the match look even longer.
[Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo! Chop. Whooooo!]
Fans: ENOUGH ALREADY!
NH: And with one last mighty chop—
NH: Flare flops to the floor thanks to Little Good.
Rob Van Spam: Dude! What's your e-mail! I got some killer sites for you to check out! I can get you a great deal of some Viagra. Or any prescription drugs you might want.
Meat Puppet: ...
Rob Van Spam: Actually, you know what you might like? I've got $250,000 stuck in a South American account. If you send me your bank account routing numbers, and $40 in good faith money, I'll put in your account and then we can split it!
Meat Puppet: ...
NH: Uh oh, Meat Puppet is shuffling toward Van Spam. Meat Puppet grabs Van Spam. Oh God! He just tried to chew on Van Spam!
RVS: Dude. That ain't cool. Nobody clogs inboxes like R-V-S!
NH: OH! Trey Vincent with a superkick to the back of Meat Puppet's skull! He falls forward onto RVS, who goes flying over the top rope to the floor.
RVS: Awww, dude!
NH: Studnuts with a Death Valley of the Sun Driver on Dr. Thrilla! He pulls up Thrilla by his ears. He lifts him up. And he dumps him over the top rope in a modified Death Valley of the Sun Driver! Thrilla's gotta be hurting from that dangerous maneuver.
MS: Britney Smears and Little Good are BOTH trying to throw each other over the top rope! And Coma sees an opening. He bounces off the rope.
NH: No he doesn't! He just fell over the top rope to the floor! What just happened. It's KEN! Kamikazie Ken was trying to pull himself back in the ring and he pulled the top rope down just enough so Coma lost his balance.
NH: Oh NO! Ken just hit a shooting star press onto the floor! What is he thinking? Coma's already been eliminated!
MS: Britney and Little Good are still all tangled up, both balancing PRECARIOUSLY on the top rope!
BS: If you go out, I'll do you later.
BS: Yeah, sure. It's not like I'm using my virginity or anything.
LG: Bloody hell. If you're a virgin, then I'm Irish.
BS: OH MY GAWD! That's why you talk so funny!
LG: Uhh....yeah. You're gonna have to do better than that, love.
LG: Well, I never really wanted that belt anyway.
NH: And Britney tosses Little Good to the floor...with a little help from Little Good.
MS: Trey Vincent is going for HIS MOVE!
NH: The Glass Ceiling. The double underhook face plant is ready. Uh oh! Meat Puppet blocks it. NO! Trey just got backdropped over the top rope and lands on the apron. But Meat Puppet just tripped on his costume! He falls backward into Trey as he's trying to get back in!
NH: Trey is out of this match?
TV: Damnit Alex!
MP: Sorry, Trey!
NH: Whoops. Don't think we were supposed to hear that. But here comes Studnuts from behind. Release German suplex folds Meat Puppet in half. Britney SPEARS Studnuts! But she just bounces off of him.
BS: Oww...my shoulder!
NH: Studnuts grabs Britney by the hair and drags her to her feet. He drags up Meat Puppet. Meeting of the mindless. Both brawlers are dazed. Death Valley Of The Sun Driver on Britney. Studnuts hooks up Meat Puppet. Death Valley of the Sun Driver on him! Studnuts is dominating. He should win this easily.
MS: IT'S KEN!
NH: Kamikazie Ken just dropkicked part of our Flimsy Announce Desk into Studnuts' face. Studnuts is hurting. The ropes are the only thing keeping him standing. Kamikazie Ken charges. He's got a piece of table in his hands.
NH: Studnuts is out! My god, Ken just used himself as a missile, launching himself at Studnuts, using his own body to drive the wood into Studnuts body.
MS: What an EXTREME headbutt!
NH: But Ken is paying for it. He's doing some damage tonight, but at what price? Meat Puppet and Britney are up. Punch by Britney. Punch by Meat Puppet. Punch by Britney. Punch by Meat Puppet. Misses! Britney tries for a superkick!
BS: Hey! Get your hand out of my crotch!
MS: You'll only see blatant crotch-grabbing in BOB!
NH: Meat Puppet lifts up Britney! OH! He just slammed her down on the apron and she falls to the floor. She's out, Mark.
MS: This is the GREATEST battle royal OF ALL TIME, Heidi.
NH: We're down to Ken and Meat Puppet. Man. One of these two might actually hold the Swiss Army Belt. How scary is that? Well, this should get mighty ugly, mighty fast. Ken and Meat Puppet circle each other. Meat Puppet charges. Ken sidesteps and grabs him by the spine. And there goes Meat Puppet. That's it?
MS: KEN WINS! OH WHAT A MOMENT! Kamikazie Ken is going to the BIG DANCE! He's in the UnFOURtunate Four of MARCH MAYHEM 2005!
NH: I'd certainly call this an upset. I bet nobody had Ken in their battle royal pool. Well. I guess that's it for us here. So we should move along to Near Deth, Texas. Wow, we haven't been there in a while. Sarah is in the match. Ken is in the match. Who will be join them? To find out, let's head to The Commentator and Scotty Whatbody! Take it away, boys.
[Near Deth, Texas, here we come. Again.]
Scotty Whatbody: It's about time I'm on MY show. Too bad it's with you, instead of Heidi. She had some nice hooters to look at. What do you have to offer, Commentator.
The Commentator: Well—
SW: Don't answer that. Hello insomniacs and freaks, Scotty Whatbody with good old T.C.
TC: And it's already been one hellacious roller coaster ride. Who's gonna be beaten like a scalded dog? Who's gonna be tougher than a two dollar whore? And who keeps coons as pets these days anyway?
TC: I'll tell ya what, Scotty. Lube me up with barbecue sauce, this one's gonna be a off-the-charts. And it won't be for the weak at heart. And it's just a heartbeat away. Right, Masked Announcer?
MA: Uh, yeah. *Ahem.* Now making their way to the ring. Alan Qaida! Atomo The Living Robot! Balls Jabroni! Christina Gaguilera! DMD! Dyslexic Avenger! Kay Fabe! Kevin The Pyromaniac! Mike Monroe! Pete Trable! The Pussy! Queen Mylisiv! Seth Harker Small Tyke Drudley! Undietaker! Wig Show!
SW: Woohoo! It's the return of my favorite brawler, The Pussy! I thought The Bride must've gotten him. I haven't seen any of the JEWS for a while. I was sure she exterminated them all.
TC: That Bride is a jezebel, Scotty. In any event, we are deep in the bowels of Texas this morning, folks. And this one should be as pretty as an interstate drug bust!
SW: And here we go. Kay Fabe goes right for The Pussy. I KNEW Seth hadn't converted her completely!
TC: Harker goes after Mike Monroe, our broadcast colleague.
SW: Fuck him up, Seth, fuck him up. *Clapclap*
TC: Tyke goes after Dyslexic Avenger. Atomo and Trable are going at it. Christina and DMD going at it. Look at that monster, the Wig Show. He's going after Queen Mylisiv.
SW: I heard he likes 'em blue.
TC: Newcomer Balls Jabroni has got a chair. By gawd.
TC: What a helliferous chairshot!
TC: And that psycho Alan Qaida is pounding away on Undietaker in the corner.
SW: Al Qaida? He was on the BOB is Boobs show, wasn't he?
TC: Indeed. He's an anarchist, a nihilist and a terrorist. He is the one and only, Al Qaida.
SW: Well, he's declared a jihad on Undietaker's ass tonight for sure. Holy crap, what the hell was that?
TC: He uses his body as a weapon and he just hit a somersault body attack, the likes of which I've never seen in my three years in the business.
SW: Kay is handling The Pussy masterfully. The Pussy is looking a little sloppy today. And The Pussy could probably use a shave.
TC: Aw, c'mon, Scotty. Kay with a punch. Another punch. And a third! The Pussy is out of this one.
SW: She spanked The Pussy good!
TC: And a sight that will make Scott Whatbody salivate, Seth Harker has Mike Monroe up on the top rope. Good gawd! What a huraconrana!
SW: Kick his ass, Seth! Yeah! Those pay-per-views will be MINE!
TC: Dyslexic Avenger is in trouble again, after going for the pin as his opening move. Small Tyke Drudley up on the top rope now. He jumps down onto Dyslexic Avenger's crotch! Good gawd almighty!
SW: I owe Seth a six-pack after this.
TC: You'd love to see Monroe hurt seriously, wouldn't you?
SW: No. I'd settle for not seeing him at all.
TC: Mercifully, Harker tosses Mike over the top rope and to the floor.
SW: Mercy is for the weak! Make him bleed! And bruise. And pee his pants so I can call him a pants-wetter! Or urine britches! Or pee pants! Or chicken piddle!
TC: Chicken piddle? STD with a huraconrana that takes Dyslexic Avenger over the top rope!
SW: Back stand! A jobber there's through falling!
TC: Kevin steals the chair from Balls. He wraps his Vietallica shirt around it and sets it ablaze. Balls steals the chair back!
TC: He's going for it again!
BJ: Hey! Where's my chair!
[Bruce the Kleptomaniac runs up the aisle with the flaming chair.]
TC: Oh! Low blow by Kevin on Balls' balls. I bet Kevin wants to take Balls to the woodshed and then set it on fire.
SW: Al Qaida has a table? I thought we cut those out of the budget?
TC: He must've brought it himself.
SW: Where would he get the money to afford a table?
TC: I don't know, Scotty.
SW: I think Alan Qaida is about to unleash some bloody vengeance on Undietaker.
TC: He's pounding Undietaker flat against the table. He runs to the opposite corner and calls for a chair. Generic Ref tosses him one? Al sets up the chair and charges!
TC: Oh! Atomo just hip-tossed Pete Trable all the way to the floor! By gawd, Trabel is broken in half. Undietaker is damn-near broken in half. The table is DEFINITELY broken in half. And oh no! I just accidentally ripped my script in half! Does anybody have any tape?
SW: You are so pathetic, TC.
TC: Sorry, I got excited by all the broken-halves.
SW: Ya think?
TC: Trabel has been eliminated. Christina is going to work on DMD some more. And I tell ya what, she's got no weight issues. Unlike the Wig Show, who is well over the 600 pound mark. 500 pounds my ass.
SW: Really? I didn't think your ass was that heavy, TC.
TC: Not my ass. His ass.
SW: His ass weighs 500 pounds? I wonder how much his dumps weigh. I swear, if I was a toilet and I saw him coming, I'd rip my bolts from the floor, jump out the window and run for my life.
TC: I'm sure you'd get mighty flushed after a while.
SW: Oh, god, my sides are splitting, Mr. One-Liner.
TC: Queen Mylisiv is holding her own against Wig Show.
SW: I bet Zeno won't be happy to hear about that!
TC: Kevin the Pyromaniac picks up a piece of the broken table and sets it on fire.
Balls: AHHHHH! I'm burning!
SW: His AC/DC shirt just caught on fire! HAHAHAHA! I guess he's truly on the 'highway to hell'!
STD: Hey, that's our theme song!
TC: Balls stops, drops and rolls.
SW: Aw, that's awful nice of Kay Fabe to hit him with the other part of the table to try and smother the fire. And now STD stomps on his back. And now Alan Qaida is pounding his shirt with the steel chair. Even though the fire's long since burned out. And now Christina, Wig Show, Queen Mylisiv and Undietaker are all stomping Jabroni like a pack of rabid raccoons.
BJ: The fire's out! Stop! Arghh!
TC: Oh my! Christina just took advantage of the mass stomping and low blows DMD! She tosses him to the floor! DMD is out of it. And now Queen...ROYAL OUCHIE! ROYAL OUCHIE! ROYAL OUCHIE! Wig Show has been eliminated by Queen Mylisiv quicker than a drunken Britney Spears marriage!
SW: Jabroni is back up. Kevin charges but runs right into the, uh, Ball Buster?
TC: Works for me. The inverted piledriver connected and Kevin is down. Balls definitely has more guts than brains.
SW: No kidding. Look at that beer belly!
TC: You're sure not one to talk, Scotty. Balls drags up Kevin. Yikes! I think he was just trying for a monkeyflip, but Kevin collapsed under all the weight. Balls gets up and shrugs. Balls grabs Kevin by the legs. Slingshot catapult sends Kevin to the floor.
SW: Undietaker is about to be out of it!
TC: But somehow he just landed on his feet on the apron. Qaida with a shoulderblock. He dives over! Sunset flip powerbomb! Undietaker is out of the match! Good gawd! How do you learn to take a powerbomb to the floor, Scotty?
SW: Probably drinking lots of alcohol after the booker tells you how you're gonna get eliminated
TC: ... But Qaida managed to hang onto the ropes, so he's still in this thing. We're down to eight. Christina with a sleeper hold on Balls. Qaida picks up the chair and throws it at Atomo. Seth and Queen Mylisiv have renewed their sort-of rivalry, as both are busy—
TC: What was that?
SW: The retarded monkey who does Atomo's sound-effects. Don't ask.
TC: Fair enough. And STD and Kay Fabe are in a war. STD with a chop to Kay.
SW: Mmphf, I'd love to chop those massive jugs.
TC: I'm sure you would. Oh! Balls just fell backward, crushing Christina underneath him. But Balls is groggy and trying to shake off the effects of the sleeper. Atomo is being beaten down by the crazy Al Qaida. Who is stomping and punching relentlessly. He heads to the apron. Slingshot somersault leg drop.
SW: How did we get this guy? He's not half bad.
TC: I'm not sure. It must pay more than Afghanistan did.
SW: I dunno. I'd guess their both about the same. Osama bin BigBOSS doesn't shell out much.
TC: Seth and Queen Mylisiv are still countering each other's moves and doing insane flips and twists and evasions. I can't call any of 'em though because nothing is connecting.
SW: It's sad to see Kay Fabe has contracted an STD problem.
TC: I hope you're referring to Small Tyke Drudley.
Seth Harker (pausing from his battle): Me too!
TC: Balls charges at Christina, who answers with a drop toe hold onto the middle rope. She pulls Balls up and leans him against the top rope. She pulls him up so he's horizontal to the ring.
All the guys in the crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
TC: That was the most heinous low blow kick I've ever seen! She just punted his crotch out of the ring. Along with the rest of him.
SW: Yikes. Remind me never to say anything sexist about that hot bitch!
TC: Too late, Scotty.
SW: I guess he can change his name now to Bruised Balls Jabroni. BWAHAHAHA.
TC: Al Qaida calling for another chair. Masked Announcer tosses in his! This is crazy. Qaida sets up the chairs so they're facing each other. Now he's laying Atomo down on them. He heads to the top rope. But Atomo is off the chair. He throws a chair at Qaida! Direct hit! Al Qaida has been hit! Now Atomo throws the other chair!
TC: GOOD GAWD! AL QAIDA HAS JUST STRUCK IN THE FRONT ROW OF THE FANS! HE'S TAKEN OUT ABOUT FIVE FANS! BODIES ARE EVERYWHERE! OH THE CARNAGE! THE CARNAGE!
SW: What a way for Al to go. Don't worry, TC, our fans are tough. After all, they continue to stomach the crap we keep dishing them week after week.
TC: Whoa! I think Seth just hit a move on Queen Mylisiv! Yep. She's staggered. Cartwheel mule kick by Seth sends Queen against the ropes. And Seth charges with a leaping side kick! Queen is out! Queen Mylisiv has been eliminated.
SW: Man, Kay is having trouble shaking that STD.
TC: Small Tyke Drudley has a big heart.
SW: And a tiny little body, don't forget.
TC: He's on the second rope. And he rains down punches on Kay.
Crowd: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine!
SW: Oh yeah! Kay just grabbed him! Man, I've never seen a harder Kay's Bottom than that!
TC: Kay's Bottom straight to the mole people! Now she's looking around. The crowd rises to their feet.
SW: It's time for the sexiest move in sports entertainment today! The Lesbian's Tongue!
TC: She bounces off one side of the ring. And the other. And she runs right into Seth.
SH: That's my tongue now. Nobody else gets it but me.
KF: But...I was so close to winning.
SH: Couldn't you just drop a fist or a knee or an elbow or something lame like that?
KF: Oh! How about my torpedoes?
SH: Sorry, no, you can't use those.
KF: But I could knock out somebody with these bad boys!
SH: I'm sure you could. But no. Here. Let me get rid of him for you.
TC: Man, Seth is really possessive of Kay's body parts.
SW: Wouldn't you be?
TC: Probably. Oh no! STD with a low blow on Seth! He slides through Kay's legs and jumps up on her shoulders. He falls forward! Kay goes over the top rope!
SW: Oh no! Right on her bottom. She probably could use a booty massage after that. I should go help her out.
TC: Not unless you want to deal with Seth Harker's educated fists. STD is waving at Kay. Harker is up.
SH: Are you waving at MY woman?
TC: Seth scoops up STD. Oh no! GORILLA PRESS SLAM TO THE FLOOR!
SW: That's one effective way to get rid of an STD, I guess. If only TC could get rid of his crabs the same way.
TC: Damn you to hell and beyond, Scotty. Atomo has Christina by the hair. He charges toward the ropes and throws her over! No! What the? Folks, in my three years in this sport, never have I seen just what I witnessed! Christina held onto the top rope as Atomo tried to eliminate her, spun herself around and kicked Atomo in the back of the head with both of her feet, sending HIM instead, over the top rope to the floor! Now that's gonna make all the highlight reels.
SW: Yeah, too bad BOB doesn't have any other highlights. We got plenty of lowlights though.
TC: We are down to Christina Gaguilera and Seth Harker. And what an unlikely pairing.
CA: (Singing) HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAve. YOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLllllf. AaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAA. MeRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrYYYYYYYYYYyYYYyYYyYYYyYYYYYYYY! Little CHRISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssMAAAaAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAAAaaaaas.
TC: That singing is Dr. Thrilla ugly!
SW: Oh my God. She is heartless. She's singing from her next Christmas album! Seth's ears aren't having any luck trying to evade this aural assault.
TC: LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW! LOW BLOW!
SW: Yikes, three low blows by Christina. Kay won't be getting any sex tonight. Seth's gonna have a headache. Below the belt.
TC: Seth collapses against the ropes. Christina lifts him up by the legs. Oh no! It's that deadly groin punt! Good night, Mr. Harker! He goes flying feet first to the floor! Christina wins! Christina wins! Christina wins!
SW: Wow. This was one of the strangest battle royals I've seen in a while. Not just because Christina won, though that is a huge part of it.
TC: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." Kamikazie Ken. Christina Gaguilera. We have three of the four brawlers who will try to win the Swiss Army Belt as Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive. Who will be number four? To answer that question, we're gonna have to go to Busti, New York!
SW: That's great. So, for The Commentator, this is Scotty Whatbody saying.
TC: Saying what?
SW: I really don't have anything else to say. So I shrugged.
TC: You could've at least made a noise.
TC: Take it away...Trey Vincent and Misty Waters!
[To Busti, New York, we head.]
TV: Thanks, Scotty and Commentator. Your Vice President In Charge of Everything and Misty Waters are gonna take you through our final battle royal of the morning. It's been wacky. Sorry to see you take such a beating from Super Gluey, Misty.
MW: Yeah, sorry to see you get eliminated by an undead jobber, Trey.
TV: No need to get testy, honey. Uh...let's head to the ring and Masked Announcer.
MA: Now making their way to the ring. The YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt! The Bride! Bruce The Kleptomaniac! Clinton! Death! Dr. Azathoth! D-Van Drudley! Generic Ref! Graphic Flatulence! Hallucination Boy! Insano Mano! Khan Handi! Mark Shill! Sir Zeno! Sleazy-C! Steve Leary!
MW: Uh oh. Steve Leary is bringing a ladder into the mix. No doubt to try and remind everybody he's in a ladder match at Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive.
TV: That scrub is so weak he can barely even get it down the aisle.
MW: And this match is underway. Who do you like in this one, Trey?
TV: None of 'em. They all suck and Trey Vincent is way better than all of them put together.
MW: Legend in your own sick little mind. How sad.
TV: Oh man! Leary just blasted Clinton from behind with the ladder. That could be a declaration of war.
MW: Sir Zeno has gone after the weakest element in the match. Of course I mean Mark Shill.
TV: This is, without a SHADOW OF A DOUBT, going to be the WORST battle royal ELIMINATION in the HISTORY of battle royal ELIMINATIONS!
MW: And there he goes.
TV: I hope he doesn't break his neck...wait, yes, yes I do. Then I can release him, since he'd be unfit to do his crappy little announcing gig.
TV: Aww, poor Sleazy just got backdropped over the top rope all the way to the floor. And we can't afford floor mats anymore.
MW: Uh oh. Death with a big boot to Generic Ref. Uh...make that a big bony foot to Generic Ref.
TV: Yep. Leary is setting up the ladder in the corner. Clinton charges. Drop toe hold. He missed the ladder! Aw, the fans are booing, and rightly so. That was LAME!
MW: Death hoists up Generic Ref over his shoulder.
TV: Nice! A 180 snake eyes type of maneuver that sends Generic Ref quickly out of this battle royal. The eliminations are coming fast and furious, just like the women who get the pleasure of being in bed with me.
TV: Quit doing cocaine, Misty.
MW: That was a laugh at the patheticness of you.
TV: Whatever. Whoa, check this out. Bruce just tossed the You Gotta Be Kidding Etc. Etc. Belt over the top rope. Somebody actually remembered the belt was there this time.
MW: Leary pulls up Clinton. Hip toss ONTO THE...oh. He missed again.
TV: Something tells me he'd miss the ocean if he was diving off a ship in the middle of the Pacific.
MW: Khan with a Cheeseslam to Handiland! Dr. Azathoth is toast after that one.
TV: Wait. Here goes Leary again. Let's see. It looks like he's trying for a catapult. He's got Clinton by the ankles. He dives backward.
TV: BWAHAHAHA! Leary just cracked his OWN skull on the ladder. Nice one. This ladder match should be BRILLIANT!
MW: Well, he did screw up royally, but Clinton did go flying over the top rope to the floor.
TV: He did? Damn. Well alright, Leary. You're not completely retarded.
MW: And Khan dumps out Azathoth on the opposite side of the ring.
TV: Oh, man! Bride just facebusted Leary on the ladder. What a bitch. Now what's she doing? Uh oh. She just put him into the tree of woe. She picks up the ladder and puts it over his face and backs up. She charges!
MW: Baseball slide dropkick. The ladder was smashed into Leary's face. D-Van and Graphic Flatulence are in a battle. GF misses a big punch. D-Van lifts him up and crotches him on the top rope. Whoa! Nice hangman's neckbreaker there by D-Van.
TV: Uh oh. Mano is heading up top to do some lucha libre shit on Hallucination Boy. A smell trouble.
MW: D-Van pulls up GF. He lifts him up in the air by the legs and falls backward. And GF topples to the floor. Mano was on the top rope and just got himself crotched! Hallucination Boy is up. He shoves Mano off the turnbuckle. Mano is eliminated.
TV: We don't push Spanish people. BigBOSS is a racist.
MW: He is?
MW: I'm not surprised. Death charges in for Hallucination Boy!
HB: TRAIN! *Dives*
MW: Oh no! Death couldn't stop his momentum. He's out!
TV: He has got to have the biggest lucky streak ever. He always falls at just the right times.
MW: D-Van with a clothesline on Bruce the Kleptomaniac. Sir Zeno is brawling with Khan in one corner. Leary is getting emasculated by The Bride. Bride sets up the ladder in the middle of the ring. D-Van just grabbed the ladder. He sets it up on the top turnbuckle and goes for Bruce. Oh! Bruce is slammed on the ladder. D-Van heads out to the apron. Oh no! He's climbing the ropes and lifting up the ladder!
TV: Bruce is gonna die!
MW: And there he goes! Damn.
MW: And D-Van just threw the ladder at Hallucination Boy!
TV: Can't miss all the trains, I guess.
MW: D-Van connects with a diving headbutt to Hallucination Boy's crotch.
TV: Khan has Zeno by the throat. Low blow by Zeno. He lifts up Khan into a fireman's carry and dumps Khan over the top rope to the floor. Zeno just eliminated Khan.
MW: Bride waiting on Leary to get up. He does. Kata Hajime is locked in!
TV: He can't tap out though. Generic Ref isn't here, since he got beaten up by Death just a few minutes ago.
MW: So, wait...how can the eliminations even count if we don't have a referee?
TV: Uh...because I'm watching.
MW: You just make up the rules as the plot holes show up, huh?
TV: Pretty much, yeah. But there's nobody down there to make a count or accept a submission. That's my logic, anyway.
MW: Hold on. Leary grabs hold of Bride's hair. Chinbreaker! He broke up the hold! I'm in shock!
TV: Me too! There may be some hope for that guy after all. He pulls himself up. He grabs hold of her hair again. He hairtosses her over the top rope! Yeah Leary!
MW: That leaves us with Zeno, Leary, D-Van and Hallucination Boy.
TV: And a ladder.
MW: What ladder?
[Cut to the entrance, where Bruce the Kleptomaniac is limping away, dragging the ladder.]
TV: He stole the ladder?
MW: Big shocker. It's what he does. Zeno grabs a mighty tired Leary and lifts him up. He hits the Eternal Question. D-Van with an inverted brainbuster on Hallucination Boy! Zeno charges at D-Van and takes him down with a clothesline from Dimension Z.
TV: Now Zero heads back to Leary.
MW: It's Zeno, not Zero.
TV: Whoops. Read that line too fast. Wait, no I didn't. That's a typo. See?
MW: You don't know his name by now though, Trey?
TV: All I know is he sucks and Studs says he's the least entertaining sports entertainer we've seen since JBL.
MW: JBL? Who's that?
TV: Just keep playing dumb, Misty, that's right.
MW: Anyway. Zeno drags up Leary and easily tosses him over the top rope. Zeno goes back for D-Van. Low blow! Zeno collapses. Hallucination Boy is back up. He tries to grab D-Van, but instead gets a low blow. D-Van tosses Hallucination Boy over and...out.
TV: It's down to Zeno and D-Van. Fans, don't go to sleep yet. I know we're running a little late, but Comedy Central has promised to stick with this until the bitter—
[Fade to black.]
©2005 BOB Wrestling.
MW: What the hell was that?
TV: BWAHAHAHAHA! I just love fucking with our fans.
MW: So did WCW. And now you see where they are.
TV: In Atlanta?
MW: No, Trey, they're closed.
TV: They are? Damn, I'm really far behind on my TiVo.
MW: Zeno and D-Van exchanging punches. Both men seem really tired.
TV: So am I. I really need an alcohol-induced sleep soon.
MW: Zeno ducks. Kick to the gut. D-Van whipped to the ropes. Duck under. Flying forearm by D-Van. D-Van is back up. He drags Zeno to his feet. He picks him up for a slam to the floor! But Zeno ducks out behind him. Scoops up D-Van. D-Van slips out. Clothesline sends Zeno over the top rope! But he lands on the apron! D-Van with a big wind-up, but an even bigger miss. Zeno grabs D-Van! Reverse suplex! D-Van falls face first to the floor! Zeno is still standing on the apron! He won! Zeno is going into the UnFOURtunate Four for the Swiss Army Belt!
TV: Hold on now. Both Sir Zeno AND Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" are gonna fight for the Swiss Army Belt AND the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in the same night?
MW: Yep. Along with Kamikazie Ken and Christina Gaguilera.
TV: Yeah, I'm sure they have a shot at winning the Swiss Army Belt. *Pffft* OK. So let's recap and do the hard sell before we go off the air for real this time. At Send Us Money: On Your Hard Drive, we are going to see. Sarah vs. Sir Zeno for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And we're gonna see those two, plus Kamikazie Ken and Christina Gaguilera in a match for the Swiss Army Belt.
MW: Yep. You know what else we're gonna see? Douja vs. Unit 5. The Drudley Boyz vs. The Hardcore Divas vs. The Distorted Icons vs. The Exploding Holy Grail for the newly created Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Titles. Little Good vs. Kevin the Pyromaniac. XXXtreme Machine vs. the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt. And The Bride vs. Misty Waters in a really sexist Trey Vincent created match.
TV: It's a pay-show, what do you want from me? Alright. Now. That's seven matches. But we need two more. So. Here's what Trey Vincent is gonna do for all the fans. Trey Vincent is going to add a No DQ tag match for the hardcore belt. And it's gonna happen in the Big Ugly Orange Cage! That's right. A no DQ hardcore cage match! And it will be Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla vs. Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker. The first pinfall wins the match. If Seth pins Thrilla, Seth wins the belt. If Paradox pins Studnuts, Paradox wins. Get it?
TV: Trey Vincent knows that Studs wanted a Thrilla in Manilla. And he's gonna get it, since he's paying for it. Muhammed Ali will be the special guest referee. You'd think this would be an advantage for team iAd, but, Trey Vincent doesn't even know if Ali can count to three at this point in his life.
MW: Why are you talking in third person?
TV: Because Trey Vincent always used to talk in third person, but then Trey Vincent got sick of typing Trey Vincent, so he just wrote I. OK? Now I'm in the mood to talk as Trey Vincent. Stop interrupting.
MW: Misty is sorry.
TV: OK then. Hey! Alright. So that's the deal. Paradox. Thrilla. Studs. Harker. Ali. Big Ugly Orange Cage No DQ Match. And that's is FINAL! Now, we need one more match. And it will be Atomo The Living Robot vs., uh...somebody. For now, we'll just say Atomo vs. a Mystery Opponent.
MW: Ooooh, intriguing!
TV: Don't mock the booker.
[Sarah walks out from the back and stares at Zeno, who is still in the ring.]
TV: There's Sarah. Looking as tasty as ever. Quite a staredown we have here.
[Christina Gaguilera walks out from behind Sarah and intentionally bumps into her. She puts on a sarcastic 'oopsie' face.]
MW: There are three of the players in the Swiss Army Belt match. But where is the fourth?
[Cut to the rafters, where Ken is looking down at Zeno. Ken then looks down at Sarah and Christina. The camera cuts from person to person, getting closer closeups each time as they all make intimidating, squinty faces.]
TV: If you only get one BOB event this year, since it's probably only gonna BE the only one, make sure to Send Us Money! And watch On Your Hard Drive. For Misty Waters, this is Trey Vincent saying, good morning everybody!