[The BOB roster is gathered together backstage in a room. Everyone is seated on folding chairs and chatting as Trey Vincent, BigBOSS and LilBOSS enter the room.]
BigB: Hello, underlings. I've heard many times that it's probably a good thing to have motivational speakers come in and talk to their athletes. So that's what we're gonna do this morning. So underlings, please welcome this morning's motivational speaker, Andrew Dice Clay!
[The roster applauds as Dice crashes into the room, looking half-asleep and smoking a cigarette.]
ADC: So I was fucking this chick last night. And she was a fat fucking cow. So I climb on top of her and sez 'can I turn the light off?' And she sez to me, 'Why? Are you feeling a bit shy?" And I say, no honey, because the light is burning my ass! Ohh!"
ADC: So, yeah, I'm here, to like, give you inspiration or some shit so you go out there and are entertaining like the king of entertainment, which is me.
[He looks around the room and walks toward Christina Gaguilera, who is in the front row.]
ADC: How you doin' honey? I know they say foreplay is an art, but you should go in the bathroom and get your canvas ready so I can spill my paint all over you. Ohh!
[He notices Kay Fabe.]
ADC: Look at those tits. Those are some big fuckin' titties right there. You ever had a man recite poetry off the top of his head to you? Because that's what I want to do for you. *Ahem*
An ode to the cut
that never heals.
The more you touch it
the better it feels.
You can rub it and scrub it
and brush it like hell.
But you will never get rid
of that damn cod fish smell.
[Seth glares at Dice. Dice now eyes Sarah.]
ADC: Hey Diddle Diddle,
My penis is little
and shrunk like a prune.
But if you will squeeze it
And tease it, and please it,
It'll blow up just like
ADC: Ohh! Alright. But seriously. Sports entertainment is like sex, kids. The more you put in, the more you get out. End of story. And oh yeah. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, it sat down beside her sand said, HEY, on tape from New York, It's SUNDAY MORNING, bitch! OH!
BOF'nB Lives Again!
Announcer: It's Sunday Morning! With special guest star Andrew Dice Clay! With hosts Styles, Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi! Ladies and gentlemen, Styles, Scotty and Heidi!
SW: Fuck, do we have to do a monologue or something?
NH: No, dumbass.
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget Sunday Morning Chloroform! We've got a morning of action-packed action ready to kick off.
NH: Are you over Sarah being the ONLY WORLD CHAMP THAT MATTERS yet, Scotty?
SW: Yep. I just pictured her completely naked, with the title belt laying between her breasts and the strap down her flat, sexy belly.
Styles: Please stop there, Scotty. We don't need to know about your sex fantasies.
["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays. The crowd cheers.]
Styles: And speaking of Sarah...here she comes!
NH: Sarah is holding a man's title in a man's sport. I hope all you guys in the back are watching this. Finally, we have proof that a woman can do anything.
Styles: I trained her, you know. Taught her everything she knows.
SW: Yeah, well, I'm your superior. Don't get too cocky, Styles. I can still fire you.
Styles: What did I ever do to you?
[Sarah looks around at the cheering crowd, looking a bit teary at the reaction from the crowd.]
STJS: I'm not crying, I just stubbed my toe on the way out here...
[Oh. Hmm...so much for the touching moment.]
STJS: You BOB fans have been with me since day one. You needed me as your champion. And I promise that I'm gonna be the best ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, because, let's face it, the guys who have held this belt before are nothing to brag about. A zombie. A vampire. A really fat guy. A stoner. A 3-year-old. Trey Vincent. Enough said, right? But this isn't about girl power or anything lame like that. This is just about Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" being the best in the game, be it male, female or inanimate object.
STJS: But, I did make history. And I plan to keep on making it. I am God's gift to parody sports entertainment. Of course, God, in this case, is a 27-year-old resident of South Dakota.
[Sarah's cell phone rings. She looks at it and answers.]
STJS: Not now, Kay, I'm in a shoot promo, because I'm outrageous and controversial and stuff. (Sarah hangs up) I deserve to be champion and will for a long, long—
["Pussy Liquor" by Rob Zombie plays. Here comes the Vice President in Charge of Everything, Trey Vincent. And he's not looking very happy. Which he should, considering he's banging Michelle. The crowd boos Trey.]
SW: This should be interesting.
NH: It should? What the...Scotty! Don't set Styles' shoelaces on fire.
SW: C'mon. It'll be EXTREME!
Styles: Oh my God! Will you get away from me.
STJS: Trey. If you're looking to get a sister sandwich, you're barking up the wrong alley.
STJS: Tree? Tree pretty. Fire bad.
TV: No, your cliché was bad. Listen, Sarah, I'm not looking for a thing with you and your sister. Believe me, Michelle gives me more than even I can handle.
STJS: OK, ewwww!
TV: No, the reason I'm out here is simple. I just want you to thank me.
STJS: Thank you? For what?
TV: For giving you the shot at the title. For believing in you. For helping make you a star.
STJS: Oh. Well, no.
TV: No? What do you mean no?
STJS: I mean 'no.' Look up the meaning if you're stumped.
TV: So you won't thank me?
STJS: 'Fraid not.
TV: That's fine. Then you've got a match. Right now. Against—
["Narayan" by Prodigy hits.]
Styles: OH MY GOD! We're picking up right where we left off! Zeno and Sarah are gonna do battle ONE MORE TIME! OH MY GOD!
TV: Cut the fucking music!
[OK. Zeno walks to the ring in silence.]
Styles: What's going on here?
TV: Zeno, I don't know what you're doing out here, but if you think I'm gonna give away a Webcast match for free on Comedy Central of all places, you're crazier than a mad cow.
SZ: I don't care what you think, Sarah. But the one thing you better know is that you are not better than me. And nobody deserves to take that belt from you more than me. I pinned you clean in the middle of the ring to becomes the Swiss Army champion. It took the flunkies from the iAd and a bunch of your girlfriends to pin me. I think it's pretty obvious who the fans should be worshipping today.
STJS: Why don't you make like a 14-year-old boy and beat it.
["Killed By Death" by Motorhead plays, bringing out the Million Dollar Entity.]
NH: Looks like everybody wants that title.
Styles: Death hits the ring. TOUCH OF DEATH ON ZENO! Oh my GOD! Zeno is DEAD! DEAD!
Death: You know...I was watching in the back, listening to this corpse say how he deserves the shot. But the only person who deserves that belt is right here, looking at you eyeball to eyesocket. Trey, buddy, you want that belt off her, just sign the match. I only need one finger to do the job.
SW: Is Death coming onto Sarah?
NH: I don't think he was referring to that.
["How High" hits next. And here comes douja to the ring.]
Styles: The ring is quickly filling up with enemies for Sarah. Everyone in BOB is gunning for her title.
Douja: yo I should get da shot at dat ho, dogg. yo,you werent even on da ppv you bony cracka.
["Killing In The Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine hits. As Steve Studnuts is heading out, the music is replaced by "Are We Ourselves" by the Fixx and Mr. Paradox is heading down the aisle. Then "Queer" by Garbage hits for a couple of seconds as Kay Fabe walks out, before "Setting Sun" brings out Seth Harker. Everybody is getting in the ring and saying they want the shot at Sarah, even as Kamikazie Ken crashes down from the rafters, taking out everybody but Sarah, Trey and Studnuts. Then, to no music, Misty Waters, Atomo The Living Robot, Insano Mano, Kevin the Pyromaniac, Little Good, Meat Puppet, The Bride, Dr. Thrilla, Igpay Atinolay Eathay, Queen Mylisiv, XXXtreme Machine, Hallucination Boy, Coma, D-Van Drudley, Rubba Ray Drudley, Britney Smears, Christina Gaguilera, John Skeet, Steve Leary, Alan Qaida, Rob Van Spam, Dr. Azathoth, Balls Jabroni, Nic Flare, Pigeon, Super Gluey and Wig Show all file out, all getting in the ring yelling that they deserve the shot.]
TV: OK, this is getting outrageous now.
SW: NOW? There's nobody left on the roster to come out!
TV: OK. Here's my decision. Everybody out here, aside from XXXtreme Machine, no doubt could hold the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS someday.
XM: hye fuk u bthch!
TV: But since Death and douja were the first two to come out here who are still breathing at the moment, tonight, we will see Death vs. douja, with the winner getting a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at Grudge Match A-Go-Go in December. No matter WHO is champion by then. Studs, as my gift to you, I'm giving you the night off. Paid.
TV: And since we're on the subject of tonight, here are my other spur of the moment decisions. (He pulls out a piece of paper.) Tonight, we will see a tag team match between the team of Kay Fabe and Seth Harker against Kamikazie Ken and Misty Waters. The person who scores the pin or submission in this NO DQ match will be the number one contender for the Swiss Army Belt.
TV: We will also see a no DQ anything goes match. A rematch no less. From the BOB-On-Demand Web cast. That's right, Little Good and Kevin the Pyromaniac will hook up one more time since two people on our staff wrote the match and we only needed one version of it for the show. We don't waste anything in BOB. Except time. Valuable time. So that's it for now monkeys. Now go backstage and everybody get ready. Kevin, Little Good, since you guys are out here, I guess you can have your match...now.
[The roster begins to file backstage as Michelle gets in the ring, getting whistles from the audience.]
Michelle: The following contest will no doubt be a fire hazard. Introducing first. Kevin "The Pyromaniac"!
NH: And you've gotta be careful, as we see Bruce The Kleptomaniac is accompanying Kevin to the ring.
SW: I hope he steals your shirt.
NH: I hope he steals your headset so we don't have to listen to you for the rest of the night.
SW: That wouldn't help the ratings. Nudity equals ratings. Just like Scotty Whatbody equals ratings.
Michelle: And his opponent. From Cloudydale, Connecticut. This is Little Good!
Styles: This is going to be one tough test for Little Good. He's never faced anybody quite as deranged, or well, flammable, as Kevin. And Kevin already has a victory over Little Good. And we're ready to go.
LG: Here we are now. Entertain us.
[Kevin holds up his fists and smacks his forearms together. Both his hands burst into flame.]
LG: Oh, son of a b—
Styles: OH MY GOD! Kevin just punched Little Good in the face with his flaming fist.
NH: The Flunky is standing by outside with a fire extinguisher.
SW: But why isn't he using it?
Styles: Knowing Kevin, this is probably the safest thing he'll do to his own body. We only have the one fire extinguisher on hand.
SW: Where is the nearest fire exit again? I'm not looking to go all Great White here.
NH: God, Scotty, don't you have any feelings for anybody?
SW: I have some feelings for you. In my lower abdominal area.
Styles: Kevin with another punch. And another.
SW: Instead of stars, this match will be rated on an alarm scale. I really hope we don't get to five alarms.
Styles: Another flaming fist connects. Little Good is trying to crawl away to safety. But Kevin gets him again and Little Good collapses into the corner. He wipes some blood away from his burned face.
LG: Had enough?
Styles: I don't believe it. Little Good is back on his feet!
NH: How is that possible?
Styles: He's a champion.
SW: Not in this fed he isn't, Styles. And don't you dare say he's a champion for the people. Because jobbers aren't people.
Styles: Kevin connects with another punch to Little Good's head. Little Good stumbles. He drops and gets out to the floor. Kevin charges after him. Little Good gets back in the ring. Here comes Kevin. Little Good with a swing, but Kevin ducks the big punch. Little Good eats another flaming fist. Little Good bounces off the ropes and Kevin punches him again. Off the ropes. Another punch. Off the ropes. And Little Good goes down.
SW: Little Good is walking through fistfire and Keystone tonight.
NH: Is Commentator feeding you lines again tonight?
SW: What? No. Why?
Styles: Here comes Kevin again. He swings. Little Good grabs the burning fist! He charges and shoves Kevin flat on his back with a mighty thrust!
LG: (Shaking his burnt hand) Bad move, bad move, bad move...
Styles: Kevin is back up. He swings, but Little Good ducks. He grabs Kevin's arm and flips him over onto his back. Little Good grabs his legs. Kick to the groin! Oh my GOD!
NH: Uh oh. Bruce is trying to steal the fire extinguisher from The Flunky. And Little Good slides out to the floor. Little Good with a spinning heart punch to Bruce! Bruce collapses.
Styles: Little Good has the fire extinguisher now! He should use it and make this a fair fight without any burning limbs. Kevin's up!
[Little Good smashes Kevin in the face with the fire extinguisher.]
SW: Or, he could smash him in the face with it and knock him out and win.
Styles: Oh...right. Of course.
NH: One! Two! Three! Little Good picks up the win.
[Little Good straightens up, panting.]
LG: Looks like local boy loses.
[Little Good throws down the fire extinguisher, pulls out a cigarette, lights it on Kevin's hands, and heads out of the ring, enjoying a victory smoke.]
Styles: What an impressive victory by Little Good!
[Backstage, BigBOSS and Trey Vincent were in a cheap-ass fake office.]
TV: Hey, dude, sorry again about last night.
BigB: Last night never happened. OK? I don't want to hear a thing about transvestite jello wrestling ever again.
TV: Sports entertainment.
BigB: That too.
The Bride: Oh, look, it's two men whom I will destroy if you don't grant me my demands.
TV: Yet, when I have demands of my female employees, I'm slapped with restraining orders.
BigB: Or lawsuits.
TV: Or lawsuits.
BigB: Or hands.
TV: Right. Hands too.
Bride: I should be the number contender for the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title.
TV: Why, because you lost to Misty?
Bride: OK. That's it. You're on Death List 226.
[XXXtreme Machine shows up behind The Bride.]
XM: hye btch im p8st ogg I shuuud b fasin sara 2day I wan 2 no y bob jobrs r cuming on 2 my sohw an getin pused.
TV: Because you suck. Big time.
XM: im gona wni teh olyn wurld btel tat maters 1 way r a nuther
TV: Did the 'you suck' bit not sink in?
XM u jus mayd teh list.
Bride: That's my gimmick, you retard. You just made Death List 226 as well.
[Back to the ring. Super Gluey is in the ring with a microphone. Most likely super glued to his fingers.]
SG: ¡Hola Brawlers en un presupuesto avienta! Mi nombre es pegajoso estupendo. Y tengo un desafío del asesino para cualquiera en la parte posteriora. Eso correcto. ¡Comienza hoy el desafío pegajoso estupendo!
Styles: The Super Gluey Challenge?
SW: You understand him?
Styles: Didn't you get the English translation?
Styles: Oh. Here it is.
SW: Let me see this...Hello Brawlers in a budget throws! My name is sticky wonderful. And I have a challenge of the assassin for anyone in the posteriora part. That correct one. The wonderful sticky challenge begins today!... Damn Mexicans. Speak American!
SG: Nadie en México podría explotar siempre de un headlock pegajoso estupendo. ¡Tan si cualquiera en la parte posteriora puede romperse libremente de mi headlock, le pagaré 20 Pesos! Y si usted no puede, BigBOSS tendrá que pagar nuestro viaje a la visita del sitio de emergencia.
SW: Nobody in Mexico could always explode of headlock sticky wonderful. So if anyone in the posteriora part can freely break of my headlock, him promissory note 20 Pesos! And if you cannot, BigBOSS will have to pay our trip to the visit of the emergency site.
NH: Well that clears everything up.
[Everyone looks toward the entryway as Nic Flare struts out. The crowd quickly loses interest and talks quietly among themselves as a few fans begin reading a local newspaper.]
NH: Flare is going to take the Super Gluey Challenge?
SW: He'll rip all that flappy skin off Flare's face. It'll be like free plastic surgery for him.
SG: ¿Qué hace que usted le piensa puede ganar este desafío, llamarada?
SW: What does that you think to him you can gain this challenge, blaze? Who's Blaze?
NF: Because I'm Nic Flare, pal, and you aren't, fat boy. WOOOOOOOO! And after this, I'll take your old lady on a ride on CyberSpace Mountain, fat boy. Wooooo! To be the man, fat boy, you gotta beat the man, fat boy. Wooooooo!
SW: What's CyberSpace Mountain?
NH: I don't know, fat boy.
NH: Google it, fat boy.
SW: Stop that!
SG: ¿Le tienen un asimiento?
SW: They have a grasping to him? What the hell does THAT mean? Fat boys like to grab him?
Styles: Looks like Gluey has had enough! He locks Flare into a headlock. Flare is screaming!
NF: OH GOD! OH GOD! Damnit! OH GOD! AHHHHH!
Styles: He collapses to a knee. He collapses to his other knee. Generic Ref touches Flare's arm and calls for the bell! But we don't have one.
NH: The headlock knocked Flare out in ten seconds? That's as lame and unrealistic as a full nelson making somebody pass out.
SW: This is the biggest waste of time I've ever seen in BOB.
[Backstage, Kay Fabe and Seth Harker walked down a hallway.]
Styles: They're next! Will their love be more important than a shot at the Swiss Army Belt?
SW: This is the strangest wrestling couple I've seen since the Meros. How did Johnny B. Badd get her?
NH: Did you just compare Seth Harker to Johnny B. Badd? He could cripple you in slow motion. Wait, why do I care if that happens?
Michelle: The following tag team contest is for the number one contendership of the Swiss Army Belt. Introducing first, team number one.
["Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair plays. Misty Waters and Kamikazie Ken emerge together.]
Michelle: Misty Waters and Kamikazie Ken!
SW: This is an even odder pair. Not that Misty and Ken are doing it. As far as we know.
NH: She's smart. She just has her vibrators.
SW: Well, if she ever needs a fleshy vibrator, I'm here for her.
NH + Styles: Ewwww!
Michelle: And their opponents.
["Rising Sun" plays.]
Michelle: Kay Fabe and Seth Harker!
SW: So, if Kay and Seth get married, you think Kay would take Seth's name? Or would that result in the walls of surreality known as BOB break down?
Styles: I never thought of that. A Harker-Fabe marriage could change the parody sports entertainment world forever.
NH: Don't worry. I'm sure she'll just get 'pregnant' and then 'lose the baby' and then she'll cheat on him with Studnuts when Seth is recovering from an injury and then Seth will be fired and all will be well in the BOB world again.
[Cut to BigBOSS and Trey Vincent.]
BigB: Sound good to you?
TV: It's been done.
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: Ken, who was in the UnFOURtunate Four of March Mayhem this year would love another shot at the Swiss Army Belt.
SW: Yeah, he could probably use is to screw himself back together when he breaks himself. It would be a handy belt for him for sure.
Styles: Ken tries for a lllleeeegggg sssswwwweeeepppp bbbbuuuutttt HHHHaaaarrrrkkkkeeeerrrr jjjjuuuummmmppppsssss uuuupppp and connects with a somersault kick to Ken's chin that sends him flying!
SW: What the hell happened there?
NH: Seth went slow-mo on his ass.
Styles: Ken back on his feet. Ken throws punches but Seth deflects them all away with ease. Big roundhouse misses. SSSSeeeetttthhhh hhhhiiiittttssss aaaa bbbbeeeeaaaauuuuttttiiiiffffuuuullll GGGGeeeerrrrmmmmaaaannnn ssssuuuupppplllleeeexxxx! Oh my God what impact!
SW: I liked it better when we did the commentary after they slowed down the tape. Styles just sounds drunk.
NH: He does!
Styles: Tag in to Kay Fabe. Clothesline! Clothesline! Clothesline! She whips Ken into the ropes. OH MY GOD! He connects with a somersault reverse DDT! That was some EXTREME lucha libre there!
NH: The fans don't know who to root for in this match.
SW: Do they ever?
NH: I meant that all four of the brawlers are fan favorites. Sort of.
Styles: Tag in to Misty. Oh no! Misty heads up to the top rope. Ken lifts Kay up to Misty. SUPERBOMB! OH MY GOD! COVER! ONE! TWO and NO! Harker makes the save. Tiger Bomb to Misty!
NH: What a chairshot! Ken just blasted Seth with that. Ken tosses Seth out of the ring.
SW: Kay just got a wicked shot as well. Damn, that was hot!
NH: You are beyond disgusting.
Styles: Ken's a lunatic. What kind of message does this send to our female viewers?
SW: Umm...when somebody is swinging a chair at your face, duck?
NH: But he is helping Misty up at least. He's telling her to head to the top rope.
Styles: Ken drags Kay's limp body toward the corner and lays the chair on her, uh, chest.
SW: Oh I wish I was that chair.
Styles: Misty's up top and...Ken with a cheap shot to his partner? What the hell was that? What the hell is he doing?
NH: He's got Misty's head between his legs. Oh no! No, Ken, don't!
Crowd: HOLY SHIZZLE! HOLY SHIZZLE! HOLY SHIZZLE!
Styles: Ken with a top rope piledriver on Misty ONTO the chair on Kay! I've NEVER seen anything like that in my LIFE!
SW: He better not have popped her breasts!
Styles: Cover! One! Two! Three! Ken wins.
Styles: SETH HARKINATOR ON KEN! This match may be over, but the war isn't. Seth pounds on Ken. But Seth just noticed Kay is writhing in pain and he goes to attend to his woman.
NH: The girls need serious medical attention.
SW: Too bad those clown medics are all we could afford.
[Cut to a clown making balloon animals as another one rides a tiny tricycle around him. They are both dressed up as medics, but with the full clown makeup, red nose and floppy shoes.]
Styles: Let's go to a break.
Hey, wrestling fans, are you looking for the inside scoop on what's REALLY going on behind the scenes at BOB? Then don't you dare miss Fake Wrestling Insider! That's right, Fake Wrestling Insider. We bring you the best coverage of the parody sports entertainment industry.
We not only boast the best news, but also the most banner ads per square inch you can squeeze into a Web site. So if you like flashing banner ads with annoying sounds that slow our site to a crawl and occasionally crash your computer, stop on by!
Don't like our ads? Then just send us money and we'll give you what we should be giving away for free anyway! Besides, we keep the really good news a secret. Because that's what good news Web sites are doing these days! Making money off of events that should be public knowledge!
[Backstage, Trey Vincent is watching a monitor.]
TV: Hey look, it's me! Damn, Trey Vincent is a good looking man. (He turns to the camera.) Here's the deal. We ran out of ideas for this segment involving sports entertainment. So, for your viewing pleasure, I present the following footage of lesbians kissing. I like to call this segment. Lesbian Search: Tongues Ahoy!
[Back to Trey's office.]
Bride: You disgust me.
TV: You turn me on. What's your point?
Bride: I still want a match with Atomo for the Pop-Up title. You never answered me before. You just cut to a different segment.
[There is a crash from behind them as Alan Qaida runs in and does a forward slide toward them on his knees. He points to the ceiling. And then stares at Bride. Points at the ceiling, then stares at Bride. Points at the ceiling. Then stares at Bride. An anvil falls on Bride's head, taking her out.]
TV: Can't say he didn't try to warn you.
[A loud whistling fills the room.]
Rob Van Spam: Heyyyyyy, Alfie. Make way for Mr. BOB-On-Demand. Mr. Sunday Morning, Rob Van Spam.
Bill Alfalfa: Let me tell you something, papa, we want a three-way dance with Atomto for the gold, papa!
TV: Don't you ever call me papa again.
[Alfalfa suddenly is thrown to the floor. Atomo is standing between RVS and Alan Qaida. And the braw7l is on.]
TV: Damn it, get out of here. You're stealing my face time.
[The three brawl out of the office and down the hall, off camera, as Trey watches.]
TV: Remember! You break anything, you buy it!
[The clown medics waddle in, put the anvil on a stretcher and waddle out. We return to the ring, as "Highway to Hell" is playing for throse dramn Drudleyz.]
Styles: These guys aren't on my format. What do they want?
NH: Looks like a microphone.
RRD: SHUT UP YOU MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKERS. I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SAY....TO YOU!
[Rubba steps out on the apron.]
SW: To Michelle? Sarah's sister? Is he crazy from all the inbreeding?
RRD: MICHELLE, I THINK YOU ARE ONE SEXY BITCH! I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE YOU OUT. WINE YOU. DIINE YOU. TAKE YOU BACK TO MY STUDIO APARTMENT THAT I SHARE WITH THREE OTHER GUYS. SLIP YOU SOME ROOFIES. THEN SLOWLY REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHING. COVER YOUR BODY IN CHOCOLATE AND LICK IT OFF EVERY INCH OF YOU. EVEN YOUR BUTTHOLE.
Styles: Oh. My. God.
[RRD jumps down onto the floor, closer to Michelle.]
RRD: GIRL, YOU AND I COULD MAKE SUCH BEAUTIFUL MUSIC TOGETHER. IF YOU CONSIDER A SQUEAKY BED MUSIC! I WOULD LAY YOUR BODY DOWN BY A PICTURE OF A FIRE AND MAKE SWEET LOVE TO YOU.
[Michelle backs away slowly as Rubba Ray gets closer to her.]
Styles: Michelle looks horrified.
SW: With that fat ass coming onto her, who wouldn't be disgusted?
NH: Yet you don't get why I'm disgusted by you?
SW: I don't see how either of those things are related.
RRD: GIRL, I WOULD COOK A TURKEY DINNER, WITH THE TURKEY AND THE STUFFING. AND THE CRANBERRY SAUCE. AND THE POTATOES. AND I WOULD SMOTHER YOU IN GRAVY AND EAT IT OFF EVERY SUARE INCH OF YOU. EVEN YOUR BUTTHOLE!
Styles: God, will somebody shut him up and get him away from her?
RRD: GIRL, I WOULD SHOWER YOU WITH GOLD—
[Ramones music hits, getting a big pop from the crowd and cutting Rubba Ray off. Coma and Hallucination Boy run down the aisle. Rubba slides back into the ring to cut off the attackers.]
Styles: The Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions are here! And this brawl is on! Rubba and Coma and D-Van and Hallucination Boy are going at it!
NH: God bless Coma. Poor Michelle.
SW: I should consult Rubba. Sounds like he's got some good material for chick picking up.
NH: Michelle has got visual evidence to win herself a restraining order, I think.
Styles: Coma and Hallucination Boy clear the ring. The Drudleyz are in retreat. We haven't seen the last of this bitter feud, apparently.
SW: Our tag division is rather small. Can't say I'm surprised.
[We cut to a bathroom. XXXtreme Machine is peeing at a urinal. Nic Flare is trying to fix his face, which is all red. And chunks of his white hair are missing due to the earlier Super Gluey Challenge.]
XM: no bod7 hsa a bigr peenis then me
NF: Nic Flare still has the longest line of old ladies at CyberSpace Mountain, fat boy. WOOOOO!
Pigeon: (From a stall) You're so lame.
XM: hye btch we shod from an aliians. a fucton. a grope!
NF: I like the way you think, fat boy. That's why you're the champ, champ! WOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOOO!
XM: w3 ned a mane tat wil stik feer n evry1 in bob
Pigeon: How about...Immigration?
[Back to the ring.]
Michelle: This is our main event of the morning. The winner will be the number one contender for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, currently held by my way-cool sister, Sarah!
["Killed by Death" by Motorhead blasts over the speakers.]
Michelle: From the Netherworld. The Million Dollar Entity. This is Death!
SW: douja is known for smoking bones, but I doubt he can smoke Death's bones as easily.
NH: Do we have an update on Unit 5? douja did a number on Unit 5 at On Your Hard Drive.
SW: Yeah, a number two to be specific.
Styles: Unit 5's whereabouts and condition are being kept top secret by Sears. Only family members are allowed to know.
SW: Just pretend you're a toaster next time you call.
["How High" hits next.]
Michelle: And his opponent. From Parts Forgotten. douja!
Styles: This one is ready to explode. A shot at Sarah's title is on the line. And here we go! Death with a knee lift. Another knee lift. He shoves douja into the corner. Knee lift. Knee lift. Back blow to douja's head. douja is whipped to the opposite corner. Side slam by Death! NO! douja with a hard blow to Death's skull.
SW: Whoa! douja lifts Death up on his shoulders. Oh no you didn't!
NH: That's Studnuts' Death Valley Of the Sun Driver! And now he flips off the camera.
Clive (voice): What did I do?
douja: not you cracka. dats for dat other cracka numbnuts!
Styles: douja sending a message to Steve Studnuts, who was not allowed to take part in this match.
NH: Well, he did lose to Mr. Paradox. He hasn't earned a shot.
SW: Since when do you need to earn anything in BOB? Or any other fed these days?
Styles: douja drags up Death. CHRONIC NECK PAIN CONNECTS! Are you kidding me? douja may have this one early! Cover! One! Two!
SW: Hey! Studnuts just put Death's bony leg on the rope. Generic Ref didn't see Studnuts do it. He just prevented douja from getting the pin.
NH: Why is Studnuts out here?
Styles: douja just saw Studnuts! douja and Studnuts are yelling at each other. douja climbs up on the turnbuckle. I haven't seen him this mad since somebody stole his stash.
NH: Death just grabbed his scythe!
SW: Death with a low blow on douja from behind.
Styles: Death picks douja up on his shoulders and spins him around! NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB! Oh my GOD! Studnuts leaves with a smirk on his face.
NH: One....two....three! Death is the number one contender.
[Cut to Sarah.]
STJS: Oh, shi—
[Cut to Nic Flare and XXXtreme Machine, who are walking.]
NF: Walk it to commercial, fat boy! WOOOOOO!
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["XXXtreme" is blasting as we return. XXXtreme Machine and Nic Flare are in the ring.]
XM: sh7t up u jobles peses of jobles sh8t. u all sm3ll and ur local spirts teeams al suk. n e way, im sik of ppl cumin 2 scm an bein beter then me n getin tittels n respevt n shti. Thats al gona end strting 2day. Becuz @ sum pont down teh mos lickly @ grunge match agogo. U r gona c Xxxteme Mach1ne iz the gl ass seling insted of teh stuf stuk 2 teh flor undr teh trzsh barrl. 2day we tak a stadn agnst ppl who r mor talentd then us cumng n my hose n evn tho nic is a dikhed form tat uthr sho2 he undrstnds me. Im gona shw9 ho w cals teh shits arond her n its me.
["Come Out and Play" by Offspring plays. Here comes...Pigeon?]
Styles: Pigeon is on his way out here to confront this new...uh....faction?
Pigeon: How did we get the closing angle anyway? Doesn't matter. Pigeon has no respect for either one of you. You should take a back seat. No...you should be in the trunk..no, you should be dragged along by the car, on a chain on a road covered in rocks and broken glass.
NF: Pigeon, you don't belong here, fat boy. WOOOO! Welcome to the big leagues, fat boy! Woooo!
Styles: It's Atomo, Rob Van Spam and Alan Qaida!
SW: They're still brawling? What losers.
Styles: Their war began at On Your Hard Drive and is continuing here. They're into the ring. Pigeon attacks Alan Qaida. XXXtreme Machine gets decked by a kick from Rob Van Spam. Flare locks Atomo into a figure-four leglock!
NF: WOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!
SW: Is he having a seizure? Guys, can we get out of here?
Styles: Fans, we're out of time. Good morning everybody!
©2005 BOB Wrestling. I coulda been a contendah!