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LilBOSS: (Voice) BOB once again half-heartedly presents, BOB Bites.

[We are live when it happened in Walla Walla, Washington in the Floora Floora Arena. Attendance? Well, let's just say, if this was a school day, there'd be quite a few absences. Probably 100 to 200 fans are there. And most of them are all on one side to make the attendance look fuller than it actually is. Gee, where have we see THAT before?]

Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to the quickest sports entertainment segment ever conceived, BOB Bites. I'm Mikey Styles.

SW: And your real host this morning, Scotty Whatbody.

NH: And the reason everyone is up this morning, me, Nurse Heidi.

SW: I'm up. Oh baby, you should show this much cleavage every week.

NH: I was sick of getting drool all over my script.

Styles: Michelle's back.

SW: Yeah, it's phenomenal. And her front's not too bad either. Her with so many curves and me with a cut brake line. Woohoo!

NH: That's a married woman you're talking about.

SW: I heard she used to cheat in school. I wonder if she still does.

NH: Well, at least she has a last name now, anyway.

Styles: Michelle Vincent. I can barely get that out without retching.

Michelle Vincent: The opening contest is gonna be...EXTREME!

Styles: Oh my GOD! She's stealing my lines now?

MV: Introducing first. The challenger. XXXtreme Machine!

[The camera cuts to the aisle, where the Flunky removes a piece of string for XXXtreme Machine to enter. Also waiting behind him in line are Mr. Paradox, Wig Show, Queen Mylisiv, Atomo, Coma, Hallucination Boy, Alan Qaida, Rob Van Spam and —]

Nic Flare: Wooooo!

[Him. Everyone but Flare is huddled around a small portable television.]

Announcer: And the winning numbers are...6, 11, 12, 13, 22, 28.

Group: Ohhhhh!

Rob Van Spam: That's the last time I let you pick the numbers, Atomo. Uh...dude!


[Coma falls over.]

MV: And his opponent, the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion, Mr. Paradox.

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

Styles: Paradox is bringing a steel chair into the ring.

NH: Is this one of those 30 second time limit matches?

Styles: Nope. This is a beat your opponent unconscious with a chair match.

SW: Then why doesn't XXXtreme Machine have a chair?

NH: We could only afford one.

SW: BWAHAHAHA! Anytime we get to see him pulverized is a decent morning.

Styles: And there's the imaginary bell. Paradox charges and—


Styles: OH my GOD!

SW: It's so sad that XXXtreme Machine is lower than talent enhancement.


NH: Who's this referee?


Styles: That's the Masked Referee. I understand Generic Ref had a family emergency of some sort.


[Cut to a long line at a mall. Then cut to a sign for "American Idol" tryouts. The camera pans down a long line of people until we find Generic Ref, yes, dressed in his referee outfit, singing to the annoyance of two girls around him.]

GR (Singing): Every day, every night. Oh, I know it's so right. When I see your face. Only time's gonna tell. But I know you so well. Girl, my love's for real.

[Back to BOB.]

Styles: XXXtreme is a bloody mess.

SW: I guess we now know the answer of what color blue and red makes. Purple. I guess that's what must happen to Queen Mylisiv every month.

NH: You're so dead.

SW: Why? I hear she's totally shaved, so...


[Sir Zeno charges down the aisle and around the ring as Paradox continues to beat the dead horse we call XXXtreme Machine.]

Styles: I'm out of here!

NH: Me too!

SW: Why? What UHH!

[Zeno punches Scotty. He grabs their monitor and throws it to the floor. Then he grabs their scripts and tosses them to the floor. He brushes away some crumbs. He leans under the EZ-Break Announce Desk and pulls out...a dustbuster? He uses it on the table. But there is a small spot that won't come up. So Zeno goes under the desk and brings out some Windex and paper towels. He sprays and wipes. And now, FINALLY, seems happy that the table is in good condition. Zeno grabs Scotty and pulls him up onto the table and grabs him by the throat. He hits the Eternal Question, which sends Scotty flying to the floor. There is a disappointed moan from the crowd as the table doesn't fall to pieces. Meanwhile, in the ring, Mr. Paradox's arms have gotten tired from swinging the chair. He asks The Masked Referee to check on XXXtreme Machine.]

TMR: Don't tell The Masked Referee what to do, jabroney.

[TMR kicks at XXXtreme Machine, who is unresponsive as he lays face down in a puddle of his own blood.]

TMR: The Masked Referee says this jabroney wins and this one loses. If ya smell what The Masked Referee is stirrin'!

MV: The winner of the match by knockout, Mr. Paradox!

Styles: Are we on?

NH: I can hear you. Though I doubt Scotty can.

Styles: Zeno destroyed Scotty. And Paradox got one of the loudest positive reactions after beating XXXtreme Machine bloody with that chair.

NH: We should have put a warning on that last match. Like, a 'do not try this at home,' or an 'only try this on XXXtreme Machine' type of warning.

MV: The following contest will have a 30 second time limit. Introducing first. From wherever he wants to be from, this is the Wig Show!

[The Flunky removes the string and Wig Show gets in the ring.]

Styles: The 500 pound wig wearing monster is ready to dish out some very slow-paced punishment tonight.

[A dart hits Wig Show in the ass. Then another. The camera quickly cuts to Queen Mylisiv, who quickly puts her hands behind her back and whistles innocently.]

NH: Did she just tranq Wig Show?

Styles: Wig Show pulls the dart out of his ass, but has the damage already been done?

MV: And his opponent. Queen Mylisiv!

Styles: And here we go!

[Wig Show collapses.]


NH: Damn, the Dimension Z crew had made a huge impact so far this morning. Think this bodes well for Zeno in this morning's main event?

Styles: It could. Fans, stay tuned, we've got a HUGE main event this morning. Zeno gets his shot at Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" in the big ugly orange cage!

[The Flunky drives a forklift down the aisle. John Skeet and Steve Leary are trailing behind, presumably to get Wig Show out of the ring. Trey Vincent walks to the ring next.]

TV: Wow, great entrance, Detached Narrator.


TV: Well it's good to be back at work. Michelle and I had a wonderful honeymoon, thanks for asking. We were up in Niagara Falls, and I gotta tell you, Michelle's clothes and Niagara had a lot in common. They kept falling.

NH: What a pig.

TV: Onto other business, this concerning Grudge Match A-Go-Go. In the interest of our legions of fans, I have decided to grant my good buddy Steve Studnuts the match that he has been demanding at our big December show in Montreal, live on BOB-On-Demand at So, it will be douja and Dr. Thrilla and Mr. Paradox against Studnuts, the legendary Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and whoever they get for a partner.

TV: Anyway. While our crew gets rid of Wig Show and Scotty's bodies, I have an announcement to make. Since Scotty is hurt and The Commentator wasn't in the budget for this morning, we've had to call in our emergency backup heel announcer. Welcome back to our crappy lil federation, Mark Shill!

Styles: OH MY GOD!

[Shill waddles down the aisle.]

NH: They fired him, but now he's back.

Styles: He'll be the worst heel announcer in the HISTORY of heel announcers.

TV: Welcome back, Mark.

MS: On behalf o my family, Trey. Kiss my BACKSIDE!

TV: Whatever. Get to work, fat boy.

NF: Wooooo!

NH: This is gonna suck.

Styles: I know. Here he comes.

MS: Hello, HEIDI! Nice to see you again!

NH: Hi Ma—

MS: You disease-ridden HO-BAG! Hey, Styles! Glad to be broadcasting with you again, BUDDY!

Styles: Uhh.


NH: Ho-bag? I've never seen this side of you.

MS: Well, Heidi, nobody has seen this side of Mark Shill in the HISTORY of Mark Shill. And by the way, I'd like to put my zoom a zoom zoom in your BOOM BOOM!

[Dead silence.]

MV: Our next match has a 30 second time limit and will be a six-man grudge match! First, team number two! Alan Qaida, Rob Van Spam and Nic Flare! And introducing second, team number one! The Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Champion, Atomo The Living Robot, and the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Coma and Hallucination Boy!

Styles: A lot of bad blood has led us to this match.

MS: Fans, call your friends and neighbors and let them know that Heidi and Styles are the WORST BOB announcers in the HISTORY of BOB announcers! And then let them know MARK SHILL is ON THE AIR!

NH: Just make sure you block your caller ID, or else you may be hunted down.

[Sounds of stuff breaking fill the arena.]

Styles: It's LUKE WARM!

MS: Whoa, NELLY! And speaking of Nelly, it's getting hot in here, Heidi, why don't you take off all your CLOTHES!

Styles: Luke Warm is running, well, briskly walking to the ring.

NH: It must be hard to run in those knee braces.

MS: And with that enormous YOOHOO BELLY!

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

Styles: STONECUTTER on Coma!

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

Styles: STONECUTTER on Nic Flare!

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

Styles: STONECUTTER on Rob Van Spam!

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

Styles: STONECUTTER on Atomo!

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

Styles: STONECUTTER on Alan Qaida!

HB: TRAIN! *Dives*

[Luke waits on Hallucination Boy to stand up.]

Styles: STONECUTTER on Hallucination Boy! Warm goes for The Masked Referee! STONECUT— No! The Masked Referee blocks it and spins him around. Domino Rally? The Masked Referee just hit a DOMINO RALLY ON LUKE WARM!

MS: Who is that MASKED MAN?

NH: I think it's rather obvious.

[The Masked Referee rips off his mask to reveal that it is none other than The Domino.]

MS: What a SWERVE! He swerved you two JACKBUTTS!

NH: Jackbutts?

Styles: And on that note, let's start the show.

Sunday Morning Chloroform Logo

Seen By 39,466 Unfortunate Souls Every Week

[After the SMC opening video, set to Flickerstick's "Chloroform The One You Love," we return to the Floora Floora Arena in Walla Walla, Washington. "Rising Sun" is playing, bringing out Seth Harker, accompanied by the lovely and busty Kay Fabe.]

Styles: Seth and Kay are oddly no longer the odd couple of BOB.

NH: You think Trey and Michelle are now?

Styles: Easily.

Seth: First off, Trey wanted me to tell everybody that we had to call in for a special backup referee since The Masked Referee thing is over. So, please join me in welcoming back, once again, the one, the only, the monotone man, Mike Monroe.

[Mike walks down the aisle, waving to the fans, who politely cheer him.]

MS: Son of a BISCUIT! He should be at home collecting DUST.

NH: Like you should be?

MS: EAT ME, Heidi!

Kay Fabe: Onto tonight's business. I have something to say to Sir Zeno, Mr. Swiss Army Belt guy. Let me tell you something, mister. This isn't over yet, buster. I am strong. I am powerful. And I can bring men to their knees. Just ask Seth. Err...uh...I mean. And, oh yeah! Tonight, I've got a challenge for YOU, Kamikazie Ken! Now, due to some technical issues last week, you all missed Kamikazie Ken. Well, dozens of Kens trying to attack us. But, Seth and I, there was some whooping. So tonight, why don't you lace up your boots and prepare to face the hottest redheaded lesbian Wicca in the game today, buster!

[Seth takes the microphone.]

Seth: Now, for all the iAd fans out there, tonight, I am going to offer somebody the opportunity to not only face me, but get a contract in BOB. I like to call this the Seth Harker Open. So, if anybody can defeat me in three minutes, you will get a BOB contract. So if there are any unemployed sports entertainers in the building...let's see what you got.

["Billy The Kid" by Little Blue Crunchy Things (how's THAT for an obscure song?) plays. All heads turn to the entryway and...]

Styles: Billy Kidman? I don't believe it!

[Kidman is wearing his old WCW gear, a wifebeater and jean shorts.]

NH: He was a huge star in...well...he was IN the WWE for several years and also worked for WCW before that. I can't believe he's here!

MS: What is the WWE and WCW? I've NEVER heard of those places!

Styles: Well, he worked in the WWE until he was FIRED this year by the powers that be. Something Mark Shill knows all about.

MS: EAT my shorts!

NH: OK, Bart. Don't have a cow.

Seth: Wow, what a way to kick off the first ever Seth Harker Open. Billy, welcome to Brawlers On a Budget.

BK: I have sex with Torrie Wilson!

[Crowd pops for that.]

SH:, Billy. The rules are simple. You have to pin me in under three minutes, or else, you stay unemployed. You clear on that?

BK: She really likes it doggy-style!

[Another nice crowd pop.]

BK: You know, my wife, she was in Playboy!

[Another crowd pop.]

SH: Yes, yes, Torrie Wilson is hot. But we've all seen that...

KF: We sure have. Hubba hubba!

SH: Kay?

KF: Sorry.

BK: I have a copy of the Playboy here.

KF: You do?

[Billy pulls it out of his back pocket.]

BK: So, why don't you just leave the ring, get counted out, call me the winner, and I'll give you this copy.

KF: Oooooh! Honey, take the magazine!

SH: No way.

KF: Awwww.

BK: What if I throw in some home videos?

KF: For Goddesses sake, Seth, take the videos!

[Seth ponders this. He looks around at the crowd, which is urging him to take the gifts.]

SH: No. Seth Harker cannot be bribed. Ring the imaginary bell!


Styles: Harker with a double-leg takedown. Harker floats over into a front facelock. But Kidman rolls out and gets Harker into a wristlock. Harker reverses and pulls him into a headlock. Kidman headscissors to break the hold.

MS: I wonder if I could get a copy of those SEX TAPES!

NH: Wife not putting out since you got canned?

MS: Not ONCE, Heidi!

Styles: They lock up again. Harker backs Kidman into the ropes. Forearm shot to the head. Harker backs up and clotheslines Kidman to the floor. Harker's about to fly! PLANCHA!

NH: Billy's gotta be well hung. I mean, he doesn't have a great body, he's shorter than Torrie, but yet, she married him. You can tell a lot about a man by the woman he's with. Which is why I dumped Trey Vincent.

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: Honey, your problem wasn't that I was small. It was that you were as worn out as a bald tire. Back to you.

[Hiyo! Back to them, indeed!]

Styles: Harker tosses Kidman back inside. Springboard HOODANCONRANA AND A ROLL UP! ONE! TWO! NO! Kidman just got out in time.

MS: But TIME is running short on Kidman! He'd better hurry if he doesn't want to be back on the corner holding his "Will Shooting Star Press For Food" sign.

Styles: Harker charges at Kidman, who counters with a drop toe hold onto the middle rope. Kidman driving his knee into Harker's back, choking him.

NH: Harker elbows Kidman to get a breather.

[The camera suddenly does a total spinarama and closes in on Kidman's upper body as Harker hits a martial arts chop. Little beads of sweat go flying in slow-motion, soaking the camera. Then we return to normal speed.]

NH: And a kick. And a chop. And a kick.

Styles: Harker setting Kidman up for a suplex. Kidman goes up and...KIDMAN with a counter!

MS: What a facebuster by Loserman!

Styles: Kidman drags Harker toward the corner. He's going up top for the Shooting Star Press. Kidman trying to win himself a job! Kidman's up and! OH! He lands on Harker's knees. Harker with TIGER DRIVER!

MS: Now Seth is about to show Kidman how an EMPLOYED wrestlers executes this move!

Styles: It's time for the SHOOTING SETH PRESS!

MS: THAT'S HIS MOVE, buttwipe!

Styles: ONE! TWO! THREE! He got him.

MS: It's too bad having sex with Torrie Wilson isn't a full-time job. Because now, he STILL doesn't have a job!

NH: I figured you'd have some sympathy for Kidman, considering you'll probably be out next to him at the end of this show with a "Will YELL FOR NO REASON" sign.

MS: And that's why I call you lame nurse.

[Cut to outside. A pair of headlights are pulling into a parking space. The camera pans up to reveal that the vehicle is a white Sears van.]

Styles: Well fans, a Sears van has arrived again this week. I wonder what the meaning of this is.

NH: Other feds get limos. We get mysterious Sears vans. Figures.


[Back inside, "Highway To Hell" begins to play. Rubba Ray and D-Van Drudley walk out from the back. Rubba is wearing a tie-dye smoking jacket and puffing on a pipe.]

Styles: Hef Drudley is here. No doubt to disgust all the women here and at home.

MS: We HAVE female viewers?

NH: Yeah, and they're not tuning in to listen to you, Shill.

MS: Fans, don't you DARE tune away. Tonight, SIR HUNGALOT becomes the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS after he defeats that SKANK, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."

NH: You meant Sir ZENO I'm sure.

D-Van: Last WEEK! The Drudley Boyz ONCE AGAIN, proved to the WORLD, that we are the best tag team in the WORLD! When we defeated the Softcore Dogs. So COMA. HALLUCINATION BOY! You short-bus riding freaks better get ready. Because at Grudge Match A-Go-Go. It will be TESTIFAH!

[He hands the mic to Rubba.]


["Shake That Ass Bitch" by Splack Pack interrupts Rubba Ray. And here come the Hardcore Divas, Britney Smears and Christina Gaguilera, each with trash buckets. They throw the buckets over the top rope, hitting both of their enemies and sending trash flying all over the mat.]

Styles: Britney and Christina are ready to take out some trash!

MS: If only the divas were NUDE!

NH: Rubba eats some rubber! And again! Christina is blasting Rubba with the trash barrel!

Styles: Meanwhile, Britney is giving D-Van papercuts with the many discarded programs for tonight's event. D-Van and Rubba are trying to make an escape through the crowd, but the Divas are in hot pursuit. They want some payback, and I bet someday soon, they're gonna get it.

[Backstage, BigBOSS was stuffing a pillow with money so he could sneak in a quick nap under his desk, when suddenly...]

Insano Mano: ¡Hola, BigBOSS!

BigB: Yes, underling?

IM: Sé que usted es un hombre ocupado, así que no perderé su tiempo. Es pegajoso muy simple, estupendo está robando totalmente mi truco. Soy el único quién se supone para hablar en Babel Fishian. ¡Esto es un ultraje! ¡Y esta noche, en el guantelete de once hombres, estoy entrando demostrarle que y las legiones de BOB que los ventiladores porqué debo ser usted consiguieron embromar I no están haciendo eso, son usted fuera campeón de Hardcore de la mente de su Frickin '!

[Mano wanders away.]

BigB: Zuh?

J-Lo's boyfriends have all used it.

So has every man Trish Stratus has been with.

Stacy Keibler? Yep, all her men have used it, too.

What is it?

Why, it's

Before they went here, they didn't know. Know they do. And now you can know, too. Use the techniques on our site on girls you know. Use our techniques on future girls you might know. Please, just do NOT use our techniques on any blood relatives.*

Guy: Before I had this site, I was clueless. But now I know. And knowing is half the battle. GI JOE!

While you're there, don't miss our all new male gut punching video! For all your fingerbanging needs.

Guy: I want to see some fine pussy!

*Guidelines void in Arkansas.

MV: The following contest is an EXTREME gauntlet match, with the winner getting a shot at the hardcore title next week!

["Under The Knife" by AC/DC plays.]

MV: Introducing the first competitor. This is Dr. Thrilla!

Styles: Eleven men, women and inanimate objects are about to determine a number one contender for the title held by Mr. Paradox. And if you joined us late, you missed Mr. Paradox beating XXXtreme Machine to a bloody pulp.

NH: Yeah. I had flashbacks to the ER.

MS: Which episode?

["Battle Without Honor or Humanity" hits.]

MV: And his opponent. Here comes The Bride!

MS: This is the biggest match in the HISTORY of our sport!

NH: Bride looking for another shot at the hardcore title?

Styles: I understand she really wants a shot at Atomo, but Trey is just screwing with her. Again. She lost last time against Paradox in that dueling katanas match.

NH: Bless you.

MS: Tonight, we will truly FIND OUT, if the SCALPEL is mightier than the SWORD!

Styles: Sadly, he's not exaggerating. Thrilla is armed with his rusty scalpel and Bride has her katana.

NH: Bless you again. You allergic to something in here?

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: BWAHAHAHAHA! That joke will NEVER get old!

[Back to the ring.]

Styles: Thrilla lunges forward, but Bride sidesteps the bear-trap toothed surgeon. BRIDE-MISSION! THE KATA HAJIME IS LOCKED IN!

NH: She takes Thrilla down to the mat. Thrilla won't tap out. But he will probably pass out from that karate move.

Styles: It's a move TOO EXTREME for judo. But totally legal in BOB for some reason.

NH: Mike Monroe, subbing for Generic Ref, is checking on Thrilla. He's out.

MV: Dr. Thrilla has been eliminated.

["I'll Stick Around" by The Foo Fighters hits the speakers.]

MV: Introducing next, this is Super Gluey!

NH: What is that toilet-seat shaped bulge under his tights?

MS: He must have been taking a dump and got STUCK TO THE SEAT!

Styles: Unbelievable. Super Gluey has become a portable toilet today.

[Gluey runs down the aisle, as best as he can.]

MS: How do you fix a RUNNING toilet?

NH: Oh, boy.

Styles: He's going to wrestle with a toilet seat stuck to his ass? He's CRAZY!

NH: No, Styles, he's GLUEY.

Styles: The insane tocador springboards onto the top rope! He leaps, and...

Crowd: Ohhhh!

Styles: Lands headfirst on the mat. His right hand is still stuck to the top rope.

NH: Where's Monroe going?

Styles: He just got a stick from under the ring. He's back in the ring and poking Super Gluey. And now the stick is stuck to Gluey.

NH: This just is not Super Gluey's morning.

MV: Super Gluey has been eliminated!

MS: His chances have just gone down the CRAPPER!

[The BOB logo appears on the screen, along with a caption that says: 14 minutes later.]

Styles: Bride is waiting in the ring after a lengthy delay while we tried to remove Super Gluey from the top rope. We'll spare you the details. But needless to say, Super Gluey is on his way to the closest doctor's office he could afford.

NH: Another trip to the veterinarian.

["Big Balls" by Will Oldham plays.]

MV: Introducing next, Balls Jabroni!

MS: Look at this monster!

NH: Damn, Balls is sweaty.

Styles: What is up with this music? It's not hardcore! It's indecipherable!

[Yeah, but the lyrics are pretty funny. I've got a copy of them right here, but I don't have permission to put them on the show, sadly. This guy sucks. I'm so bored of him already. So, let's cut to the ring for a really cool quick pan in shot, because the Bride has an arrow. And she's got her katana loaded on it.]

Styles: OH MY GOD, NO!

NH: Hey, what's Death doing out here?

Death: Me? Nothing...nothing at all. *Ahem*




[Death pulls out a cigarette and lights it up.]

Death: Ooooh, that was a good one.

[Death drags Balls Jabroni's corpse to the back.]

MV: Balls has been eliminated.

Styles: Is that the last time we'll see Balls in BOB?

MS: I've got some balls YOU can look at, Heidi!

Styles: Bride is having a pretty easy time so far in this gauntlet. Who's next?

Voice-Over: Ouyay antway omesay Igpay Atinolay Eathay?

["Low Rider" by Korn plays.]

MV: Introducing next, this is Igpay Atinolay Eathay!

MS: Can you feel the EATHAY!

NH: Do you want to feel the Eathay?

MS: Of COURSE not!

Styles: Here we go. Bride and Igpay lock up. Igpay gets Bride into a side headlock. Bride slips free. BRIDE-MISSION IS LOCKED ON! THE KATA HAJIME IS LOCKED ON IGPAY! HE TAPS! IGPAY TAPS OUT!

MV: Igpay Atinolay Eathay has been eliminatedway!

NH: Wow. Bride is unstoppable. She's on a path of revenge! Who could possibly defeat her?

["Frankenstein" by Edgar Winter plays.]

MV: The next competitor. This is 911!

Styles: It looks like somebody dialed up 911!

MS: And believe me, fans, 911 is NO JOKE in this town!

NH: Bride charges at 911! He's got her by the throat! CHOKESLAM! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHER!

Styles: Umm...Heidi?

NH: Yeah?

Styles: I think you just did all my lines.

NH: Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Styles. I got excited.

MS: I can see that by your ERECT nipples!

MV: The Bride has been eliminated!

["Enter Kevin" by Vietallica plays.]

MV: Coming out next. Accompanied by Bruce the Kleptomaniac. This is Kevin the Pyromaniac!

Styles: Bruce charges into the ring? 911 has him by the throat! And here is Kevin! Kevin is caught! Double chokeslam coming! OH MY GOD! Kevin just shot a FIREBALL!

NH: 911's mullet is on fire!

Styles: But he's still got them by the throat? DOUBLE CHOKESLAM! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE!

MS: IIIIIIIT'S Insano Mano!

NH: Thankfully, he has a fire extinguisher.


Styles: He just hit 911 in the face with it!

[Cut to Little Good, who is waiting backstage.]

LG: Bloody hell! He stole that bit from me!

[Back to the ring.]

Styles: Mano heads up to the top rope. INSANO-SAULT CONNECTS! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! Oh my GOD that was EXTREME!

MV: 911 has been eliminated!

Styles: It's Little Good! He has just attacked Insano Mano from behind. He is pounding away on the back of Mano's skull!

MV: Introducing next, currently beating up Insano Mano, Little Good!

NH: I guess Little Good doesn't like Mano stealing his spots. He did that exact thing to Kevin a few weeks back.

MS: Oh, GROW UP. You can't copyright a blow from a fire extinguisher!

Styles: Both men are battling for the fire extinguisher. Oh no! Little Good just got hit in the jaw! Mano quickly heads up top. Another Insano-Sault! COVER! One! Two! Three!

NH: He's a Mano on a mission this morning.

MV: Little Good has been eliminated.

["Chemical Burn by the Dust Brothers plays next.]

MV: Introducing next. Meat-Puppet!

Styles: He sure is walking slow. I hope he can make it to the ring. It looks like Mike Monroe is starting the count.

MM: One! Two! Three! Four! Five!

NH I don't think he's gonna make it!

MM: Six! Seven! Eight!

MS: Go, Meat-Puppet, go!

MM: Nine! Ten! That's it!

MV: Meat-Puppet has been counted out!

Styles: Which leaves us only one more challenger to Insano Mano.

["Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing" by Discharge hits.]

MV: Being accompanied to the ring by Mr. Paradox, this is the You Gotta Be Kidding, I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt!

MS: What a GENIUS move by Mr. Paradox! If his title wins, then he'll have an EASY title defense NEXT WEEK! Mr. Paradox with the greatest SWERVE in the history of our sport!

Styles: Mano heads to the apron. Paradox runs into the ring. Mano with...OH MY GOD! A SPRINGBOARD SHOOTING STAR CORKSCREW DROPKICK WITH A TWIST CONNECTS!

MS: What a sidewalk slam THAT was!

Styles: Paradox is down! Mano grabs the belt and drags it to the corner.


Styles: Insano-Sault connects on the belt! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTIT!

MV: Here is your winner, Insano Mano!

Styles: Next week, it'll be Mano vs. Paradox for the hardcore title!

NH: Why wait? Mano looks like he's ready now, and the title is on the line 16 hours a day, 6 days a week.

Styles: SUICIDO PLANCHO MISSES! Oh my GOD! Mano is down and hurt on the floor. Paradox avoided that move. He grabs his belt and is getting away from Mano.

NH: Mano has had a legendary feud with Kamikazie Ken over the years. Mano is as extreme as they come. Paradox may be in for the fight of his life.

Styles: It was just a week or two, maybe three ago that we were all shocked by the actions of one Snapmare Kid. When he did the unthinkable and snapmared the leader of the Urination, Urine. Let's take you back.

[We fade to black. After about 20 seconds of nothing happening, we return to the broadcast position.]

NH: Whoops. Guess we didn't pull that footage.

Styles: Let's join...Pete 'X-Factor' Trable? In the ring?

PXFT: Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. THE X-FACTOR IS HERE! Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo.

NH: And what a mistake this was. He did a better imitation of a table than an interviewer.

PXFT: Pete Trable is back on Chloroform as you can see
When I wasn't on TV, none of y'all could see me
So tonight instead doing the five-knuckle know, masturbate
I'm gonna host this here stupid dope debate
These two dudes are gonna hook up at Grudge Match A-Go-Go
And the crowd response will definitely be so-so
So to find out why he did what he did
Allow me to introduce the Snapmare Kid

["Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" plays.]

Styles: Here comes the show starter. The curtain jerker. The snap marer.

PXFT: Last time out, dogg, you snapped his neck
It was as far out as mixing LSD and Star Trek
What could have caused such an attack?
The bookers must just be smoking crack
For selling this crap as a main event angle
But the X-FACTOR IS HERE with a mess to untangle
And now, the man whose favorite president was Martin Van Buren
Allow me to introduce to all the Urimaniacs, Urine

["Golden Showers" by the Mentors plays, and here comes Urine. He is decked out in a Washington Redskins T-shirt. Nice try, anyway. We're in Washington state, not D.C. Oh, and it even has some ugly yellow stains on it...great...]

PXFT: This debate is so hot, my nipples have little nipples
So, SMK, is it your goal to make Urine a cripple?

SMK: First off, let me thank Urine for taking time out of his busy schedule of digging up bodies, running to the forest and peeing on them to join us here tonight. My problem with Urine, it's simple. Last week, he gets the chance to do a stupid promo? Did I get to do a stupid promo? No! I got to introduce HIM. That's why I did, Pete. I was only good enough to introduce a man who urges people to train at digging up graves, say their prayers they don't get caught stealing bodies and drink their vitamins from their own pee.

PXFT: Dogg, that stuff you said was really gross
I honestly can't tell who here sucks the most

SMK: Pete, there is only one man who lays down for everybody, and that is ME. It doesn't mean that Urine has the right to make me introduce him. My name is not Michelle Vincent. Urine deceives all these people. All he talks about is peeing on his opponents. But what about what he does in his personal life? Don't those dead people have any rights? Did they give their consent to be peed upon? I think not! I may not have a shot in hell of beating you, but I sure do have a shot in hell of making you look better than you are! I'm gonna need a back brace after I carry you to the victory of your career!

PXFT: So it sounds like SMK wants to flush Urimania
And shit, nothing in the world rhymes with Urimania

Urine: What about megalomania, uncle!

PXFT: I don't have a clue what the meaning of that word is
But since I started this interview, I've really needed to take a whiz

Urine: Well let me tell you something, sister! You, Snapmare Kid, have made a mountain out of a hill of beans, nephew! If you didn't want to introduce me, all you had to do, mother-in-law, was tell the bookers or Sarah or even me and we could have rewritten the script, grandniece! But fine, you want to paint me as a guy who steals dead bodies and pees on dead bodies, I got no problem with that. But what I DO have a problem with is when you come out here and say that you're gonna make me a cripple!

SMK: Actually, Pete said that.

Urine: YOU!

PXFT: Yo, this debate ain't about me, dogg
And does anybody else have a clue why they're remaking "The Fog"?

Urine: At Grudge Match A-Go-Go, I'm gonna do it one more time for the Urimaniacs in the Urination. They want me to pee on your skinny ass, so, I've got to pee on your skinny ass, aunt! So, I guess we're stuck in this program for a couple more months. So you might as well start asking yourself a question that I'm going to be asking you every time we're near each other in front of a camera and have a microphone. What are you gonna do. What are you gonna do Snapmare Kid when the Urination and Urine PEE all over you? *Snarl*


Styles: What the? SMK just snapmared Pete X-Factor Trable!

PXFT: (Flat on his back) Yo, dogg, why'd you do that to me?
What if Urine decides that now is the time to pee?
Well, on behalf of my two crappy guests
This is the X-Factor saying, Heidi, can I bury my face in your breasts?

Styles: Heidi is shaking her head no. Fans, we'll be right back. Kay Fabe and Kamikazie Ken are set to brawl!


BOB's Sunday Morning Chloroform is presented by FedUp. FedUp! "Oh, we'll get it there, alright!"

["Queer" by Garbage is playing as we return to the arena.]

MV: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, this is Kay Fabe!

Styles: Kay Fabe wants to hold the Swiss Army Belt. She's already lost to Zeno, but it wasn't easy for Zeno.

MS: What a DISGRACE it would be for two women to hold the two top belts in BOB! Women should be seen and NOT hold titles!

NH: I—



Crowd: Ohhhhh!

Styles: OH MY GOD! That's Kamikazie Ken! He just fell down from the rafters into the ring, narrowly missing Michelle and Kay!

[The camera pans up to reveal Misty Waters up in the rafters.]

NH: She pushed him!

Styles: It's MISTY WATERS! She's back! If you recall, a few weeks back, Kamikazie Ken took her out of action with a piledriver off the top rope onto a chair on Kay's breasts!

NH: Oh yeah. Forgot about that.

MS: What a filthy woman! Somebody GET THE HOSE!

MV: And, laying unconscious in the ring, Kamikazie Ken!

Styles: Kay can't believe it. She puts a foot on top of Ken. One. Two. Three.

MS: Well, I guess that match really WAS scheduled for one fall. And Ken took the fall!

[Misty begins climbing down on a wall ladder.]


Styles: Kay is in shock. She looks angry at Misty for this.

NH: No wonder. She loses out on getting to exact revenge on Ken for, you know, all that stuff he did to her recently.

Styles: Exactly! Misty Waters has stolen Kay's spotlight. And now, Kay is yelling at Misty. Misty can't believe it. These two ladies are pissed...we may be in for a CATFIGHT!

[We cut out to the parking lot.]

Styles: Hey! Where'd the catfight go?

MS: Look! It's the Sears van! The back doors are open and there's NO ONE inside!

[Cut to Trey Vincent.]

TV: Huh...those doors and Nurse Heidi's leg's have a lot in common these days. BWAHAHAHAHA! I kill me!

[Back to the ring. "Come Out And Play" is playing.]

MV: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first. Pigeon!

Styles: Pigeon set to take on douja this morning.

MS: And don't you DARE miss Zeno defeating Sarah in our MAIN EVENT!

NH: Keep dreaming, Shill. It's becoming painfully clear that the women of BOB are taking over. Because men are weak and we are strong.

MS: PLEASE, don't break into SINGING anything about being a woman or hearing you ROAR!

["How High" by Redman, Method Man, Cinderella Man, Blue Man Group, Spider-Man, Pac Man, Piano Man, Iron Man, The Man Show, Mega Man, Elephant Man, Bat Man, Boogeyman, Super Man, Hollowman, Dead Man Walking, Man-O-War, Invisible Man, The Incredible Shrinking Man, the Man With The X-Ray Eyes, The Man from UNCLE, Anchor Man, Macho Man, Rubberband Man, Demolition Man, The Thin Man, Mankind, the Medicine Man YaYa, Man Is The Bastard and Beenie Man plays. And by the time you've read all this, douja is already in the ring and the imaginary bell has rung.]

Styles: And here we—

[The lights go out.]


NH: Did we blow a fuse?

Styles: I don't know, I'm as in the dark as you. Pardon the pun. I don't know what's going on. But obviously, we are still on the air. We just can't see what's happening in the ring, around the ring or up the aisle.

Rumble rumble rumble





MS: I haven't a CLUE what is going on!

NH: What else is new?

[After a few more seconds, the lights are turned back on.]

MS: Oh no. Fans, somebody has attacked douja under the cover of darkness!

NH: How did that person find him in the dark? Did douja smile?

Brawlers On a Budget does not condone this joke.......even though we wrote it.

Styles: Pigeon makes the cover. Mike Monroe with the count. One. Two. Three. And Pigeon with a huge upset over douja, thanks to a mystery attacker!

NH: You think it was Unit 5?

MS: Unit 5 or some other cowardly HOOLIGAN!

[Backstage, Trey Vincent, BigBOSS and LilBOSS were standing around a water cooler.]

TV: No kidding. He's on THAT many anti-depressants? How does he afford them on what we're paying him?

BigB: I have no idea, Trey. He must have a side job.

LilB: Maybe he gets them in Canada. Or online.

TV: Anyway. I thought you'd both get a chuckle out of...that. Hey, guys. What's up?

[It was Steve Leary and John Skeet.]

TV: Talk fast. We're busy gossiping about all you monkeys.

SL: Fair enough. Well, it seems to us that the Drudley Boyz are a bit preoccupied with the Hardcore Divas these days.

JS: Exactly!

SL: So, we were thinking, how about we get a shot at the tag titles? On the next show?

BigB: You guys? I can't even remember the last time you won a match.

SL: So? You guys book the outcomes. Why does that matter?

[Everyone looks over at the camera.]

SL: Anyhow...Trey, did we mention how brilliant you are?


SL: And BigBOSS...totally brilliant.


BigB: Alright. Fine. You can have the match on the next Chloroform, as long as we don't forget about it.


TV: So, who do you guys think has the worlds biggest boobs?

[Back to the ring.]

Styles: As you can see, the big ugly orange cage is around the cage. It's time.

MS: The cage has been ERECTED.

NH: Actually, it's been lowered, genius.

Michelle: The following contest is the main event and will be for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

Styles: This is no doubt one of the biggest main events in the HISTORY of Chloroform. And that's not hype, it's a fact!

MS: Whatever you say, old man.

Styles: Old man? I'm at least 15 years younger than you!

["Narayan" by Prodigy plays.]

Michelle: Introducing first, now coming to the ring. He holds the Swiss Army Belt. This is Sir Zeno!

NH: Zeno has pinned Sarah. He defeated her at On Your Hard Drive to capture the Swiss Army Belt.

Styles: This is gonna be a tough one to call.

MS: Awww...poor Styles is all afraid that his little Jobber Slayer's gonna lose. Waaaah! Meanwhile, look at Sir Zeno's body! That's a body to be proud of!

NH: Huh?

MS: Look at it! I'm in awe of his muscles!

NH: I will now forever remember this as the date wrestling got a little too homo-erotic for me.

MS: He is GENETIC PERFECTION! Look at those BICEPS! Look at those PECTORIALS! Look at those ABS! Look at that gluteus maximus!

Styles: Would you stop having a verbal orgasm? You're making the audience sick.

NH: Seriously. Your dialogue right there is the reason why people are ashamed to admit they even WATCH sports entertainment.

["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays next. The crowd gives a decent enough cheer.]

Michelle: And his opponent. The current ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. My cool sister, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!

Styles: You win by pin or escape or submission. But you have to climb over the cage to escape in this match.

NH: And this is NOT for Zeno's title. It's not title versus title. Not that I'm foreshadowing who's going to win or anything, but on the chance that Sarah might pin Zeno or escape the cage, she will not win the Swiss Army Belt.

MS: Sir Zeno is the BEST Swiss Army Belt titleholder in the HISTORY of Swiss Army Belt titleholders! And look at those—

Styles + NH: SHUT UP!

Styles: And here we go! Zeno grabs Sarah and whips her into the ropes. Sarah ducks under a clothesline and rebounds with a flying shoulderblock. But Zeno doesn't go down.

MS: He doesn't go down on ANY woman.

NH: Not even his girlfriend? Poor Queen Mylisiv.

Styles: Sarah connects with a savate kick. A front kick. A kick to the knees. CLOTHESLINE! COVER! One! Kickout by Zeno. Both get back up. Another clothesline takes Zeno down. He's quickly back up but taken right back down with a spin kick from Sarah!

StJS: Not that I'm one to kick somebody when they're down, but...

NH: Sarah is stomping an imprint of her stylish yet sensible wrestling boots into Zeno's back.

StJS: Hey, wanna have something in common with Dr. Thrilla? How about you taste some steel?

Styles: Sarah grabs Zeno by the hair and charges toward the big ugly cage! But Zeno blocks it. Dimension Z leg sweep. Oh NO! He grabs Sarah by the legs. CATAPULT INTO THE CAGE! OH MY GOD! Sarah just tasted the steel.

NH: Oh no! Sarah's bleeding. And Shill, if you do a period joke, I'm going to kick your ass.

MS: Don't blame ME! Trey is feeding me my lines. You buttclown!

NH: I highly doubt Trey fed you that one.

MS: ...

Styles: Guys, Sarah is seriously busted open here.

MS: She juicier than a turkey DINNER!

Styles: Sarah is out on her feet here guys. Zeno backs up and charges. Sarah moves and uses Zeno's own momentum against him! Zeno falls to the mat.

MS: C'mon, Zeno! Wow, when did Sarah become a redhead? HAHAHAHA!

Styles: Not funny, Shill. Meanwhile, Zeno has been busted wide open as well. Good lord! This has got to the bloodiest match in SMC history!

NH: Superkick! Zeno is down.

Styles: COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Zeno kicks out. Sarah crawling toward the ropes. Zeno is getting up now. Sarah is starting to climb the cage, but Zeno is right behind her. Zeno grabs her. He's trying to pull her down and...OH MY GOD!


NH: It's a full moon in Walla Walla. The crowd is going wild!

MS: Look at that butt! HAVE MERCY!

NH: Are you talking about Sarah or Zeno?

Styles: Sarah with a boot to Zeno's jaw send him crotch-first onto the top rope! Sarah climbs down. DDT from the top rope! But Sarah can't capitalize. She's busy trying to put herself back into her pants. And there she goes. COVER! One! Two! Shoulder up!

NH: Both of them are losing a lot of blood. Sarah's face is nothing but blood. This is the toughest woman I have ever seen in my life.

MS: What about Zeno? Blood is trickling down onto his well-defined abs, but he's soldiering on! Sarah hasn't won anything yet, lame nurse.

Styles: Sarah heads up onto the top rope. Zeno is back up. Jumping roundhouse kick connects! COVER! ONE! TWO! THRE-NO! Zeno gets the shoulder up AGAIN!

NH: Damn. They're gonna have to get a new mat after this one. Look at it! There's blood spots all over it.

MS: Yeah, Zeno is mopping the MAT with Sarah.

Styles: Sarah? What are you doing! Sarah is helping Zeno up. She's helping him climb the cage!

MS: You've got a ROGUE Jobber Slayer on your hands.

Styles: They're up at the top of the cage! Sarah sits him down on the top bar. What is she thinking?

NH: I think she's thinking, Sarahconrana.

MS: I think she ought to take off her boots and start popping out BABIES in the kitchen like she's supposed to be doing! Before she gets hurt!

NH: Everybody in Walla Walla is out of their chaira chairas.

Styles: Sarah is up at the top of the cage with Zeno! She is taking a huge risk here! OH MY GOD!


NH: Zeno reversed it!

Styles: Sarah was just took a sit-out powerbomb from the top of the cage! Both brawlers are unmoving in the middle of the ring! That may have broken Sarah's back! Zeno easily could have shattered his pelvis when he landed.

MS: You only get injury-defying sports entertainment action like this in BOB!

Styles: Zeno is starting to stir first, but he's moving quite slowly. This has been a grueling match.

MS: Hurry up and win, Zeno. My favorite infomercial is on after this!

Styles: Zeno is up and...climbing the turnbuckles? What is he thinking? Zeno dives! Elbow drop connects! COVER! ONE! TWO! THRE-NO!! Sarah just got her shoulder up before referee Mike Monroe made the count.

MS: C'mon, Monroe, you, you...something-or-other!

NH: Shill, language!

Styles: Zeno grabs a bloody Sarah by the throat and pulls her to her feet.

NH: She's gotta be sports entertaining on extinct. Uh, Trey, I think you mean INSTINCT. But alright...nice try with the big words. *Sigh*

Styles: The Eternal Question hits!


Styles: ONE! TWO! THRE-NO!! Somehow, she managed to kick out.

MS: Unbelievable! Monroe is the WORST referee in the HISTORY of referees!

NH: In all her battles with jobbers, Styles, have you ever seen Sarah this bloody?

Styles: From wrestling? No. But there were a few times when she was with Little Good that she came home looking pretty close to this.

NH: Eww..

Styles: Zeno pulls up Sarah by her bloody hair. He lifts her up and puts her onto the top turnbuckle. Now Zeno is climbing up. He grabs her. Ohhh NO! Top rope bulldog!

NH: That's gotta be it.

Styles: ONE! TWO! THRE-NO!

MS: She's gotta be on some kind of enhancement drug! No normal person could perform like this in the ring. Just ask Rafael Palmeiro!

NH: You're just too outrageous, Shill.

Styles: A frustrated, bloody and exhausted Zeno picks up the champion by the throat. He tosses her up! SARAHWITHATRIPLEKICKOHMYGODTHATWASEXTREME!


NH: Uh, Styles? You OK?

Styles: (Very faint) *Gasp* Fine...just need a minute. *Wheeze*

NH: Can we borrow Flare's oxygen tank? STAT!

[The crowd is getting into this match, oddly, and clapping as Zeno and Sarah struggle to get up. Monroe starts the count.]


NH: Double kip up! They charge. Zeno catches Sarah! Implant DDT! He makes the cover! One! Two!


MS: Here come the reinforcements!

Styles: Oh NO! Queen Mylisiv, Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla are climbing the cage.

NH: Meat Puppet is trying to climb the cage, but not having much luck with that zombie outfit.

Styles: Things have just gotten terrible for Sarah. It's four on one, and Sarah is already a bloody, beaten mess. Hold on! It's Seth Harker! And KAY FABE!

NH: Kay with a Kay's Bottom on Meat Puppet on the floor!

Styles: OH MY GOD! Seth is climbing the cage! OH MY GOD WHAT A PLANCHA FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE! Little Good is now climbing the cage as well.

MS: This is the DARKEST DAY in the HISTORY of Sunday Morning Chloroform on the GREATEST SUNDAY MORNING CHLOROFORM OF ALL TIME!

NH: And Mike can't disqualify anybody here. There are none!

Styles: Here's Trey Vincent. What's that? He's got a remote control! He's raising the cage up! Look at Michelle cheering on her big sister, who is still in the fight of her life! The Shaggy Gang has come to Sarah's rescue.

MS: Zeno will STILL prevail.

Styles: There goes Paradox! There goes Mylisiv! There goes Thrilla!


Styles: Little Good with a spinning heart punch to Zeno! And Zeno walks right into Kay's Bottom!

MS: Kay is ugly! And her breasts are small!

NH: I think you need some glasses.

MS: I can't afford ANY!

Styles: Seth is up top. NIGHTBRINGER ON ZENO! What a moment! Sarah with the cover! ONE! TWO! THREE! ... SHEGOTHIM!!

MS: Zeno has been SCREWED again! This means WAR!

["Temptation Waits" plays.]

MV: The winner of the match, and STILL BOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!

[Sarah's music is suddenly replaced with "Killed By Death" by Motorhead.]


Styles: Death is heading right for the ring! Sarah can barely stand up. Kay, Seth and Little Good help her up.

NH: Are they going to be able to protect her from the number one contender?

Styles: I don't know. Sarah looks like she was in a gang fight and didn't know anybody, and now she's being held up by Kay and Seth. I doubt she's got anything left. But whatever happens, this group will go down together, fighting!

NH: Death is in the ring. He's staring at Sarah. Death looks at Little Good, Seth and Kay.


[Suddenly, Kay spins around and hits a Kay's Bottom on Sarah! The announcers are silent. Seth quickly heads up to the top rope. Nightbringer on Sarah!]


[One fan throws a cup of soda into the ring.]

Fan: Eww! Mountain Dew! Yuck. So what'd I miss?

NH: Little Good shoves Kay! Seth shoves him. He shoves back. Oh no! Death has him. Kick. Netherworld Powerbomb!

Styles: I think I'm gonna be sick...*sound of headset being thrown down*

NH: Kay Fabe and Seth Harker pull up a limp Sarah for Death. Netherworld Powerbomb on Sarah. Oh. My. God.

[Trey Vincent is on the apron, applauding. Michelle hops up and wraps her arms around his waist.]

NH: Well, for a speechless Mikey Styles, and for a about to be unemployed again Mark Shill, this is Nurse Heidi saying...good morning?

© 2005 BOB Wrestling! More screwjobs than a Reno whorehouse!


© BOB Wrestling!

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