A hand spins a 12-inch table model plastic globe as the TVM rating flashes on the upper left hand corner of the screen.
The Parody-Driven Era Continues!
douja: come on out g-unit 5. i know you da one who been attackin me for da last few weeks bitch! I aint leavin this ring til you get yo ass out here an face me like a man. or a machine. whatever da fuck you be!
Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to Sunday Morning Chloroform. douja came into the ring before we even started the taping and is demanding the mystery attacker come out and face him. He swears it is Unit 5.
Scotty Whatbody: Who else would it be, Styles? You heard the rumbling and clanging and that forklift both times the lights went out. Plus there was the Sears van.
Nurse Heidi: It could all be an elaborate hoax. It could be somebody else completely. It could all be orchestrated by Steve Studnuts, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Muhammad Ali as we get closer to their big match.
douja: an' if ya dont believe me, I gots myself a comic book, some chronic and some cheetos. So dont think I aint ready to wait bitch. ill drop another dookie on yo ass.
Styles: Welcome to Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina. We're live on tape in the Fictional Field House.
SW: And true to his word, douja is starting to read his comic book. Is that a Bluntman & Chronic comic book?
[The lights suddenly go out.]
NH: Here we go. We're finally going to find out who's been attacking douja.
[After several seconds of darkness, the lights come on. A man is standing in the ring.]
douja: who da fuck you be?
Alfonso Ribeiro: Hi, I'm Alfonso Ribeiro. You may recognize me from such sitcoms as "Silver Spoons" or "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" or "In The House."
[Some polite applause from the crowd.]
douja: you da one who been attackin me nigga?
AR: No, no, no. I'm just a pointless '80s reference.
douja: oh. well get da fuck outta my ring then bitch!
AR: OK then. Nice to see everybody! Carlton Banks for life!
SW: You never know who you'll see on the cavalcade of forgotten '80s stars in BOB. Scott Baio. William Shatner. Tony Danza. Alfonso Ribeiro. BOB is a virtual who's-who of, "who?"
Styles: It isn't quite like opening week of football, but it's as good as we can afford, I guess.
[A small candle lights up.]
douja: hoooo shiiiit! mary kate and ashley olsen? what da fuck are you two bitches doin here?
Ashley (Spinning around): One Bloody Mary. Two Bloody Mary. Three Bloody Mary! Four Bloody Mary!
douja: who da fuck is bloody mary? Some bitch on da rag?
Ashley: You must say Bloody Mary 13 times, and then Bloody Mary will appear and scratch your eyes out.
Mary Kate: *Vomits*
douja: daaaaamn! you one nasty ho.
Ashley: FIVE Bloody Mary! SIX BLOODY Mary! SEVEN BLOODY MARY! EIGHT BLOODY MARY!
[douja goes over to the candle and lights up what looks like a cigar, but what is likely a blunt.]
douja: fuck dis shit.
[He blows out the candle. We're in darkness again.]
Styles: How long will this tension go on?
SW: douja has to smoke just to cope with this segment. That should tell you something.
[The lights come on.]
douja: who da fuck are you?
Brooke Shields: I'm Brooke Shields. You may remember me from such uninspired TV shows as "Suddenly Susan." And I was naked in "The Blue Lagoon."
[douja inhales deeply and blows smoke at Brooke.]
Brooke: Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
douja: bitch shut da fuck up. did you attack me?
Brooke: No. Just want to continue my campaign against smoking!
NH: douja's attacker sure has gone to a lot of trouble to play mind games this morning.
SW: Heidi, he struggles to tie his shoes, it isn't much of a contest.
[The lights come back on. Huge pop!]
Styles: OH MY GOD! It's Muhammad Ali!
[douja's eyes go wide. He charges at Ali, but the lights go out. There is a thud in the ring that sounds like somebody taking a bump.]
SW: You know what they say, Heidi? Everybody's the same once the lights go out.
NH: Yeah. I heard some really fat guy with a small penis made that up.
[The lights come back on.]
Styles: douja has been knocked out! Oh my GOD! Ali must have hit a knockout blow in the dark.
SW: Ali is gay?
[We cut backstage, where Wig Show is sneaking up behind Pigeon with the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt. Wig Show charges and hits Pigeon in the back of the head with the title belt.]
Styles: Oh my GOD! What on earth is Wig Show doing?
WS: I know! I know!
NH: Who is he talking to is a better question.
Styles: Wig Show picks him up with ease...where is he taking him?
SW: It looks like he's throwing him out of the building.
WS: I'm doing it! Just SHUT UP!
NH: Is that a plastic sled?
Styles: It is! And Wig Show just put Pigeon into the sled.
WS: You wanna be hardcore! HUH? Well here you go!
Styles: They're behind the field house...and...oh NO! They're on that steep hill behind the field house! Wig Show just shoved Pigeon down the hill!
SW: He's gonna pull a Sonny Bono!
WS: SEE YOU IN HELL, PIGEON!
Styles: Pigeon just took a ride all the way to HELL!
[Wig Show picks up the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt.]
WS: Are you happy now? Are you? WHAT? NO! NO!
NH: Wig Show has flipped his wig.
[Back to the ring. "Queer" by Garbage hits.]
SW: Woohoo! It is time to witness the sexiest redheaded former-lesbian Wicca in sports entertainment today, Kay Fabe!
Styles: Don't forget to mention her entire lack of loyalty to her friend, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."
SW: Seth gave her a taste of something powerful. She got a taste of it and wanted more.
NH: You better not be turning this into something about oral.
SW: No! Of course not. I'm not allowed to anymore, anyway. I have too much respect for my brother, Seth.
[The crowd boos.]
KF: Hello? Talking here. Don't interrupt, you, insignificant BOB fans. I am Kay Fabe! I am death. If you dare defy me, I will call down my fury, exact fresh vengeance, and make your worst fears come true. OK?
[The crowd boos.]
KF: Anyway. I am out here tonight because my life partner, Seth Harker, in an attempt to brutify Little Good last week, hurt his hip. It's been terrible. We haven't been able to play mistress of pain for days! But, in honor of our favorite cruiserweight of all-time, I'd like to carry on the Seth Harker Open. Except, tonight, it'll be the Kay Fabe Open!
NH: You sure you don't have anything to say here, Scotty?
NH: You know, about how you'd love to chow down on an all-you-can-eat Kay buffet or anything? Or ask, "Did she just say the Kay Fabe Open Legs? Pick me, pick me!"
SW: Why would you even think I'd even think of thinking that?
NH: From what I hear, the Kay Fabe Open is similar to 7-Eleven. It's open all night, hot to go, and for $2.49 you can get a Slurpie.
SW: Hey! Kay's rates are much higher than that.
KF: So, if there are any unemployed sports entertainers in the hizouse who think they can beat me in less than three minutes, come and take the Kay Fabe Open.
[This is the dramatic pause.]
Marilyn Manson: I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me. I don't like the drugs, the drugs, the drugs...
[Hey! I didn't hit play on my iTunes and play this Marilyn Manson song! DAMN THIS MOTHERFUCKING ITUNES 5.0 UPGRADE. Shit...UPGRADE MY ASS! THE INCOMPETENT NERDS WHO DESIGNED ITUNES SHOULD DIE DROWNING IN MY NEVERENDING PISS. YOU TOTALLY FUCKED UP MY COMPUTER.]
Styles: It's KURT ANGEL!
[Huge crowd pop.]
SW: Oh, calm down, it's not like it's Kurt Angle. Hey, where'd he get that mic from? He doesn't work for BOB!
NH: He's got friends in high places.
SW: Yeah, well, that's what happens when all your friends are stoners.
[The music, finally cuts up. Are you done updating my FUCKING music lists yet? FUCKER!]
KA: No, you're not hallucinating, people, Kurt Angel is back in BOB!
[Some cheers from the crowd.]
KA: Now, I may have been hallucinating a few seconds ago, but, Kay, did you say that any unemployed sports entertainer in the building, if they could beat you, could win a BOB contract? Well, it just so happens that I am currently unemployed. And I sure as Heaven can beat you in less than three minutes. Not false, SO not false! And since I've been gone, I've heard you no longer like to get flat on your back for women anymore. Well that's good, because tonight, we'll pretend my name is Seth Harker, and you're gonna do a job for me!
Styles: Angel charges in! Kay misses a clothesline. Release German suplex on Kay! OH MY GOD!
SW: This isn't fair! Hey!
Styles: Angel stomping away like a man possessed.
SW: The only thing he's possessed by is cannabis. Where are the police when you need them?
Styles: Uppercut by Angel connects! Kay Fabe is feeling wrath straight from Heaven.
NH: Kurt made a shocking return last week to save Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" from the Skull & Bones Society.
SW: He had a dirty hypodermic needle! This is everyone's role model? He's a junkie! Hey, he's choking her! Help her, Generic Ref!
Styles: OH! Vicious crossfaces by Angel on Kay Fabe! He drags up Kay. Oh, what a powerful body slam. COVER! One! Two! NO! Kay Fabe with a shoulder up.
SW: Damn. Kay should call upon the spirits of past sports entertainers again to help her out.
Styles: Kurt drags her to the corner and rams her face into the turnbuckle. But that seems to have fired Kay up! She responds with a slap. Another slap.
SW: BITCH SLAP~!
Styles: Ohhh myyy GOD! Kurt just grabbed Kay by her implants and lifted her up into a BRUTAL spinebuster slam!
SW: Dustbuster Boy, you better be tape recording this!
[Cut backstage to the Suck Ups, who are busy playing Madden Football.]
John Skeet: Oh yeah! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Steve Leary: FUCK SHIT CUNT BITCHY SHITTERFUCKANUN!
[Leary smashes his controller on the ground.
Dustbuster Boy, Esq.: *Sigh* I'll get the Dustbuster. AGAIN.
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: Kay Fabe is trapped in the Angel Lock! KAY TAPS! KAY TAPS! KAY TAPS! Kurt Angel just won a new BOB contract! Oh MY GAWWWWWD!
[Backstage, Wig Show was on the attack again. He had hold of XXXtreme Machine's hair and slammed him face first into the wall with a loud thwacking sound.]
XM: Dude, that really hurt. Oh my goodness. It seems as though I can properly speak. I say...this is quite hardcor—
[Wig Show grabs him and smashes him into the wall again with a booming sound.]
XM: owww fuk!!!!
[Wig Show looks down and sees a hand in between his legs.]
NF: Hey, boy! I got your balls, fat boy! WOOOOO!
WS: That's just one of them, actually.
NF: One—ONE BALL? Does it hurt in the least, fat boy?
NF: I have arthritis, fat boy. Wooooo!
NF: Did you just FART on the Nature Dude? I will TAKE, YOU, TO, FART SCHOOL, WOOOO! YOU, WANT TO FART, ON NIC FLARE? No way, pal! My farts have brought kings to their knees! They're legendary, fat boy! WOOOOO!
WS: Will you take your hand off my testicle now?
[Flare tries to jump up and grab Wig Show's wig, but he isn't even close. Wig Show hits a Showscalper on him into a wheelbarrow. He tosses XXXtreme Machine into the wheelbarrow and then throws the title belt on top of them. He brings them out back to the same spot where he dumped Pigeon earlier.]
Styles: Now what is Wig Show doing?
SW: It's like one of those stupid reality shows. When Wig Show Attacks. Or World's Scariest Wig Show Videos. It's entertaining as hell to see him toss them down that big hill into the woods.
NH: He's got a shopping cart!
Styles: Oh no! He shoves XXXtreme Machine in first. And now he puts Flare on top of XXXtreme Machine.
WS: You think your extreme? IT is extreme! You two are nothing!
[He shoves the shopping cart, which gets stuck in the dirt right away.]
WS: Do WHAT? Ahhhhhhh!
Styles: What the? He's lifting the shopping cart up! OH MY GOD! He just threw the shopping cart containing XXXtreme Machine and Nic Flare down the hill!
SW: BWAHAHAHAHA! Classic! Wig Show putting the 'kill' in Kill Devil Hills!
["Taking Care of Business" by BTO is playing as we return to the ring. BigBOSS is strolling down the aisle with his hulking bodyguards, Lock, Shock and Barry, who we haven't seen in a loooong time. Unless you recently bought the BOB Season 1 DVD! Available now in our Crap Zone! You happy now, Trey?]
BigB: Hello, Kill Devil Hills!
BigB: How is everybody tonight?
Fans: Not bad. You?
BigB: Well, I'll feel better once this business surrounding THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is settled, right here, this morning, in this very ring, in this very building in this very city, in this very state, in this very country! What I mean to say is...in Kill Devil Hills, North Carolina!
[Cheap pop works.]
BigB: So, right now I'd like to invite the reigning champion down here, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays, bringing out Sarah, who has the title belt around her waist.]
Lock: Say, BOSS, you didn't have us come out here so Death would kill us and give you a chance to get away, did you?
BigB: Hello, Sarah!
BigB: And now, everyone please welcome, representing the Skull & Bones Society, Death and Trey Vincent!
["Killed By Death" plays, and here they come.]
Shock: So, BOSS—
StJS: Just stand there and look tall and menacing. Yeah. Just like that. You guys will be fine.
BigB: OK. Now that all the parties are here, we can begin this negotiating session properly. First of all, despite your attempt last time out to steal the title from Sarah using Kay Fabe's sexbot that looks exactly like Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," uh...sorry. What was I saying?
StJS: Can we focus less on the sexbot, please?
BigB: Sorry. Right. Um. To end the controversy, Sarah is still the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
BigB: Because Sarah_bot is NOT the world champion, therefore the title cannot change hands. Which means, Death is still the number one contender, but still has an impressive victory over a sexbot. So, with that said, you two kids will still have a match at Grudge Match A-Go-Go, as long as Sarah doesn't lose the title before then.
StJS: Not gonna happen.
BigB: What? The match? Why, are you planning on losing the title?
StJS: No. I meant, I'm not gonna lose the title.
BigB: So why wouldn't there be a match between you and Death at Grudge Match A-Go-Go.
StJS: There WILL! That's what I'm saying.
BigB: Well it can't if you don't have the title!
StJS: I will! Argh!
[Lock, Shock and Barry get in front of BigBOSS.]
BigB: It's OK, boys. Faces never attack authority figures.
[Lock, Shock and Barry step aside.]
StJS: Keep up the Abbott & Costello routine and we'll see about that.
BigB: So, my question for all of you this morning. We have a big match. We need some sort of big stipulation. Something to make the fans want to order this once in a lifetime BOB-On-Demand event.
StJS: I refuse to take part in a first blood match.
TV: Damn it! There goes that fool-proof plan.
StJS: Figures a fool came up with it.
TV: You think you're funny?
StJS: You think you're entertaining?
TV: Trey Vincent doesn't just think it. Trey Vincent KNOWS it, honey. Just ask your sister.
BigB: Hey, now. Enough of that.
StJS: Since I'm the champion, I should decide the stipulations, BigBOSS.
TV: Trey Vincent's booking team should decide. You know what happens when the talent starts getting creative control. So, Sarahster, sorry, it ain't gonna happen, dude.
Death: You know......why don't we just solve this thing with a match, here, this morning, and get this segment over with. I've got things to do. Death doesn't take a holiday. Except that one with Marilyn Monroe, but I digress. Sarah, last week, Trey lived one of his dreams, seeing you bound and gagged. This week, we're gonna live on of my dreams. This morning, let's have ourselves a Fatal Threeway Match!
StJS: A fatal threeway?
Death: Yeah. It's really simple. You, me and, somebody, will compete in a match. Your skill, obviously, is breaking kneecaps. My art is murder. So, we put this third person in. If you can bust his or her kneecap, you get the chance to pick the stipulations for our match. If I kill him or her, I get to choose the stips. Sound like a deal?
StJS: What happens if I beat you?
Death: If you pin me, I don't get a shot at that pretty little belt. EVER again, as long as you are the champion. But if I pin you, I win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
StJS: So, why in the world would a third person want to get involved in this?
Death: It's really simple. If our third dance partner pins ME, he or she, or well, this being BOB, it, becomes the number one contender. A pin over you? They WIN the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
BigB: Well, this is quite a complex set of rules. I guess there's only one thing missing from this Fatal Threeway. A third person. As luck would have it, Barry is holding the famous BOB Medium-Sized Bucket®. So, I will draw out the name of the person or title belt or robot that will get the chance of a lifetime. A shot at becoming either the number one contender of the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION.
[BigBOSS reaches into the bucket and begins fishing around.]
Death: Or dead.
BigB: Or dead.
StJS: Or dusted.
BigB: Or dusted. And the winner is.....Kevin The Pyromaniac! Congratulations, Kevin. We'll see you just a little bit later on. But for now, let's have a moment with our sponsors, shall we?
BOB's Sunday Morning Chloroform is presented by FedUp. FedUp! "Oh, we'll get it there, alright!"
[Backstage, Wig Show is staring at the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt.]
WS: He'll KILL ME if I do that to him!
WS: Being a champion has really gone to your twisted head. Fine.
[Wig Show crashes through a closed door and runs into Kamikazie Ken! Wig Show bear hugs him into a wall. Ken collapses. Wig Show drags him toward the door, but Insano Mano attacks Wig Show. He hops on his back and locks on a sleeper hold. Wig Show falls backward into the wall. He grabs both of them by an arm and drags them down the hallway, grabs the title belt from a steel folding chair. He takes them to a small kiddie pool, which has been set up outside the back door. Wig Show picks up Ken first. Showscalper into the pool! And then Mano gets one.]
WS: Are you happy now? Good. Then I...no. NO! I will NOT keep doing this all night! (Monotone) Yes, master.
[Wig Show walks away from the pool. After a few seconds, Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano begin to stir. They both sit up, covered in brown, uh...]
IM: ¿De quién poopoo es éste?
["Better Days" by Tadpole hits.]
MV: The following contest is for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles. Introducing first, the challengers. Representing the Skull & Bones Society Suck-Ups Chapter, accompanied to the ring by Dustbuster Boy, Esq., this is Steve Leary and John "Skeeter" Skeet, the Distorted Icons.
Styles: This match was bumped from last week's Chloroform due to the devastation of Tiger Driver '91. I know two men whose lives have benefited from all the money that our generous fans sent in.
[Cut to BigBOSS.]
BigB: Yeah, Mrs. Behave was so happy with all the money that she went out shopping and let me watch my football games in peace. Huzzah!
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: That money wasn't for you! We have such a terrible president.
NH: Yeah, but what are you gonna do?
SW: Styles will probably start a conspiracy theory Web site blaming BigBOSS for everything. Our low pay. Our low ratings. Our bad time slot. Our lousy buy rates. Our disturbing Web hits. The assassination of Nathan Mustain. But NONE of that can be directly linked to him.
MV: And their opponents.
["Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne hits.]
MV: The Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Coma and Hallucination Boy, the Exploding Holy Grail!
[The Flunky emerges from the back, with two large pieces of rope tied around his arms. He pulls out a large gold grail, standing probably about six feet. Coma and Hallucination Boy are standing in it, looking nervously down below, as Flunky jerks the thing forward with all his might.]
Styles: Poor Flunky. Oh NO! The grail just fell forward, and Coma and Hallucination Boy spill all over the aisle.
SW: Cleanup in aisle one!
NH: Amazingly, they're getting up and walking to the ring.
SW: Well, luckily they only fell on their heads.
Styles: This one is for the gold. Dustbuster Boy could prove the difference in this match.
SW: Hey! One of the fans just touched Dustbuster Boy! Don't touch Dustbuster Boy, Esq.! That's a new suit!
NH: Now he's Dustbustering off his own suit where the fan touched him. What is he, germ phobic, too?
Styles: We're ready to start this one off. Lockup attempt fails, because Leary accidentally gets poked in the eye. Does he have any depth perception?
SW: Hallucination Boy cheated! He poked him in the eye, that was no accident.
Styles: Leary responds with a kick. Another kick. Another kick.
SW: Leary wore his stomping shoes tonight. Guess Hallucination Boy didn't miss the train tonight.
Styles: Leary backs up and charges in, but—
HB: TRAIN! *Dives*
Styles: Runs straight into the corner turnbuckles. HB connects with a senton suffering lock!
SW: A what?
Styles: That's what the script called it, not me.
NH: I can't say I've ever seen a move like that before.
Styles: And there is a tilt-a-whirl chicken choke! Oh my GOD! Tag in to Coma. And there's a...swinging bite? I just read it fans, I don't have a clue what it means!
SW: C'mon, Leary!
Styles: Coma heads out to the apron. Slingshot chop!
SW: His offense is as retarded as, well, him!
NH: Some pretty innovative stuff here from the Exploding Holy Grail this morning.
Styles: Coma going for a submission here...yes, it's an apron crab fist!
SL: OWWW! My hand!
NH: The BOB Power Plant has been paying off for Coma and Hallucination Boy I guess.
Styles: Leary breaks free after some punches and elbows. He makes the tag to Skeeter.
Styles: OH! But he just walked straight into a slingshot wheel! And Coma connects with a cloverleaf butt buster! OH MY GOD! The fans are loving this innovative offense from Coma!
NH: Dustbuster Boy just jumped on the apron! He's revving his engine to get Generic Ref's attention as Coma makes the cover! The fans don't like that one bit.
Styles: Neither do the Drudley Boyz!
SW: What do they have to do with this?
Styles: That chair shot give you a clue? Rubba Ray just blasted Dustbuster Boy in the back! Oh my GOD! D-Van is in the ring and he stomps Coma. And he takes down Leary with a punch. And now Skeeter is down. OH MY GOD! Rubba just powerbombed Hallucination Boy on the floor!
NH: Damn, the Drudley Boyz have taken out both teams! They've got a guaranteed shot at Grudge Match A-Go-Go for the tag titles, but I guess they want to make sure they face Coma and Hallucination Boy.
SW: Leary and Skeeter have had the belts STOLEN from them. Normally, I'd be all for this sort of heel thing, but not when it's done against MY heels!
Styles: Rubba Ray and D-Van Drudley have the title belts and are standing over the fallen tag teams. Is there anybody in BOB who can match up with the Drudley—
["Shake That Ass Bitch" by Splack Pack hits. Britney Smears and Christina Gaguilera charge out from the back with...rather large sex toys shaped like a penis, wrapped in barbed wire? WTF?]
NH: Oh. My. God.
Styles: Took the words right out of my mouth.
SW: Wow, Heidi, they raided your sex drawer, huh?
NH: Please. Those are just a bit too big for me.
SW: Call it, Styles!
Styles: Uhh....Britney hits Rubba in the stomach. OH MY GOD! She's ripping him open with the barbed wire vibrator! D-Van takes a barbed wire vibrator to the back!
[Cut to BigBOSS at a computer.]
BigB: Yes! One hundred hits for barbed wire vibrator!
[Back to the ring.]
SW: How do they even fit those inside of them? They're like two feet long and bigger than my arm!
Styles: Fans, this is a mess! We'll be right back!
We'll show you OURS, if you show us YOURS.
SEND US MONEY: Grudge Match A-Go-Go. It's coming in December.
[Backstage, Bill Alfalfa was standing between Rob Van Spam and Alan Qaida in a smoky room. Qaida is on his knees, bowing up and down on a piece of carpet.]
RVS: You know, Alfie, everybody can't be Mr. Sunday Morning Rob Van Spam. It's tough to be Mr. BOB-On-Demand. We're talking Viagra at 95-cents-per-dose hard, Alfy. Luke Warm wanted to get in my business. He wishes he gets huge pops like the one's I get. Right, Alfie?
BA: Thatsrightdaddyrobvanspamisthegreatistandyouarejutslosers! Hestepsintheringanddoesthethingwiththekicksandthespinningthingwherehegoesanddoesthatotherthing, thenthezthaonetwothreeasbillalfalfacallsit straight down the middle, daddy andrvsfourtwentyisthewinnerandyouaretheloser!
[Wig Show barges in and boots Alfalfa in the head. Wig Show stomps Qaida in the head, and RVS goes on the attack, hitting him with a bong. He hits him again and the thing breaks over his skull. Wig Show almost falls over backward, but holds onto the wall, as Qaida throws his body against Wig Show, smashing him against the wall.]
Styles: I think Wig Show just found himself a war he can't win with Alan Qaida and Rob Van Spam.
[As Wig Show retreats, we return to ringside. "Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair plays.]
MV: The following contest is, uh, now. Introducing first. This is Misty Waters!
Styles: It's a good thing Michelle is as beautiful as she is, because her ring announcing is ugly as Scotty's hairy ass.
SW: Oh, please. You're just jealous you don't have the brains, beauty and personality of Michelle Vincent. I know I am. If I had her body, I'd never leave the house. I'd be too busy having sex with it! Woohoo!
["Toxic" by Britney Spears plays next.]
MV: And her opponent. This is Queen Mylisiv!
Styles: Last time out, Misty won the number one contendership of the Swiss Army Belt. She will face Sir Zeno at Grudge Match A-Go-Go.
NH: All I know is I'd love to see Sir Zeno and kick your ass again, Scotty.
SW: Not gonna happen. I've learned my lesson.
NH: Not making fun of other men's girlfriends?
SW: No! Get a no-bump clause in your contract. Then I can talk even WORSE about her and Zeno can't do anything about it.
NH: Not even after the show?
NH: Oh, whoops.
Styles: Looks like we're ready to kick this match off. Misty Waters recently returned from an injury at the hands of Kamikazie Ken. She took a top rope piledriver onto a chair.
SW: On Kay Fabe's breasts!
Styles: Of course, how could be forget Kay's poor breasts.
SW: I wouldn't call them poor. They're definitely are a D plus.
Styles: Misty cinches in an armlock. But Queen Mylisiv throws her down and unleashes with several punches.
Styles: Mylisiv pulls Misty up and whips her hard into the corner. Misty collapses from the impact.
SW: She's gonna have to be tougher than that if she wants to win the Swiss...BWAHAHAHAHA. I almost said it with a straight face. There is NO way Misty can beat Zeno.
NH: Didn't you say that about Sarah?
Styles: Mylisiv putting the boots to Misty. And speak of the devil, here comes Sir Zeno down the aisle.
SW: He has the right to cheer on his Smurf.
Styles: Quick cover, one! Two! No. Mylisiv quickly up to the top rope! But Misty gets a boot up!
SW: But Mylisiv isn't stupid enough to jump face first into Misty's boot.
Styles: Right you are, Scotty. Mylisiv avoided it and instead flips forward and tests Misty's hamstrings.
SW: Based on the last film I saw of hers, her legs are in great shape, Styles.
Styles: Which movie was that?
SW: "The Orgasm Of Emily Rose." Man, when she was tied to that bed and all the priests were trying to exorcise the demon that had possessed her...her legs got a major workout.
Styles: Mylisiv with a chop! Mylisiv gets behind Misty. It's a reverse bear hug! Oh, she's trying to push all the air out of her body.
[The crowd roars in approval at this visual.]
SW: Oh, baby! Now this is the type of homo-erotic sports entertainment match I like!
NH: Scotty, you don't even know what homo-erotic means, or else you wouldn't have said it.
Styles: Sir Zeno's up on the apron.
NH: Oh, but look, Zeno left the Swiss Army Belt on the apron. Mylisiv sees it as Zeno has Generic Ref distracted. Mylisiv has the belt. She pulls out the corkscrew!
Styles: Oh no! She charges at Misty and catches her in the head! Mylisiv tosses the belt to the floor and covers Misty! And here comes Generic Ref just in time. One. Two. Three. Unbelievable! Misty has just fallen victim to a Mylisiv and Zeno tag team.
SW: Damn. Zeno should have no problems dealing with Misty Waters at Grudge Match A-Go-Go.
[Backstage, Wig Show was on the attack again.]
Super Gluey: Mierda!
[Wig Show sandwiches Super Gluey against the wall with a surfboard. All that can be seen as Super Glueys outstretched arms and his feet. Wig Show lets go of the board, which is, of course, stuck to Super Gluey's body.]
WS: You want a challenge, gluechadore? I got one for you, right now!
[Wig Show picks up the surfboard with Super Gluey stuck on face first and walks out the back door again. He goes to the hill and drops Super Gluey on the ground.]
WS: Bon voyage!
[Wig Show bends down and gives Super Gluey and his surfboard a mighty push, sending them down the hill.]
SW: Wow, that's the biggest push Super Gluey has gotten since he came to BOB! Good for him!
NH: That's not funny, Scotty.
SW: Who's joking?
[We cut elsewhere to The Commentator, who is with Dr. Thrilla and Mr. Paradox.]
TC: Hello, folks. I am joined by Dr. Thrilla and Mr. Paradox, who—
MP: Enough talking. Last week, I was jobbed out to a Mexican jobber because of Steve Studnuts. The insanity ends tonight. I don't care who I've got to slice to pieces in order to get my title back, but you can be sure I'm gonna find them and—
TC: By gawd!
[Paradox is pushed off-screen and...we've got a brawl!]
Styles: It's Studnuts and SMP! Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and Steve Studnuts have attacked Dr. Thrilla and Mr. Paradox!
[But sadly, we suddenly have static.]
SW: What the hell happened?
NH: Somebody must have kicked the cable out from the camera. Again.
SW: Unbelievable. We finally have some decent brawling, and we lose the feed. Typical of this crappy federation!
Styles: Well..uh..I understand we're going to go to this pre-recorded segment since we lost that segment.
Caption: Earlier today.
[A hallway. Sarah_bot is walking cheerily along backstage when she runs into Atomo the Living Robot.]
Atomo: HELLO. SAY-DO-YOU-DENT-EASILY?
Sarah_bot: I don't understand that question, but thank you for asking!
Sarah_bot: No, why?
Sarah_bot: Excuse me, I'm supposed to be with Kay Fabe.
Atomo: DID-YOU-KNOW-THE-ROBOT-BODY-IS-90-PERCENT-OIL? AND-I'M-REALLY-THIRSTY. GIRL-I-WOULD-POUR-10/30-ON-YOU-AND-MAKE-YOU-PART-OF-MY-COMPLETE-BREAKFAST.
Sarah_bot: Don't make me scream!
[Sarah walks past Atomo. Misty Waters walks up behind Atomo.]
MW: Sorry, buddy.
Atomo: EH-IT'S-OK. I-JUST-HAVEN'T-HAD-A-LUBE-JOB-IN-SO-LONG. *Sigh*
MW: C'mon. I'll buy you a Valvoline....
[Back in the present day, Igpay Atinolay Eathay was awoken from his slumber by a bang. He opened his eyes and saw a bag of cat food charging straight for his face.]
[It was, again, Wig Show on the attack.]
IAE: Atwhay ethay ellhay asway atthay? Eyhay! Etgay outway ofway ymay antspay ouyay igbay eakfray!
[Wig Show is shoveling cat food into Igpay's tights. Wig Show headbutts Igpay and then leaves. Igpay is dazed. Then he started to hear the meowing. He looked toward the doorway and saw several cats of all colors and sizes walking straight toward him.]
[The camera panned up onto the shelf as a locker where the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt had a front row seat to see Igpay as he cried and shrieked and as the cats meowed and ripped away, looking for the cat food.]
IAE: At'sthay otnay atcay oodfay! Ahhhhhway!
[Let's head back to the ring.]
SW: Wow, the title belt is evil! I love it!
MV: The following contest is a tag team match.
["The Domino Rally" theme song hits, and the crowd rises to their feet to a decent amount of cheers mixed among boos as The Domino power walks out.]
MV: Introducing first, this is The Domino!
["Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" plays as Domino is halfway down. Those fans all stop cheering and resume talking amongst themselves politely.]
MV: And his tag team partner, this is The Snapmare Kid!
NH: He is the show starter. The curtain jerker. The snap marer. And at Grudge Match A-Go-Go, he will open yet another BOB show when he faces Urine one-on-one in a match of two of the worst in BOB history.
Styles: Yep. We will see what happens when two of the best pure jobbers collide at that BOB-On-Demand exclusive event, live as it happens, on BOB-On-Demand.
["Golden Showers" by Mentors hits, and the crowd cheers a bit.]
MV: Introducing team number two. First, this, is, Urine!
[Once Urine is about halfway down the aisle, sounds of stuff breaking fill the arena. HUGE POP!]
MV: And his tag team partner, this is Luke Warm!
[Warm walks into the ring and walks to all four corners of the ring eventually, giving a double thumbs up to all four sides of the crowd.]
Styles: This one is going to explode. Snapmare Kid looking to start this match off against Urine. A preview of their one-on-one encounter, right here, on Chloroform.
SW: This'll sell the show. *Sigh*
Styles: Urine walks right into a snap mare! Urine gets back up and charges right into a snap mare! SMK runs off the ropes and Urine ducks a snap mare attempt. Urine whips SMK into the corner. Tag in to Luke Warm!
NH: Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Irish whip into the ropes. PUNCH! SMK is down.
Styles: Warm gets up on the middle rope. He leaps, but comes up short with a fist drop.
SW: Oh, man. That's so sad. SMK didn't move, Luke just didn't have enough spring in his battered knees.
Styles: Both brawlers are up. Luke Warm ready for a STONECUTTER, no! He just snapmared Snap Mare Kid! And Snap Mare Kid isn't liking that.
SMK: C'mon, Ref! He's stealing my spots!
GR: I'll allow it.
NH: SMK is trying to snap mare Generic Ref?
SW: But Generic Ref ain't selling that crap.
Styles: Here comes Luke Warm. But Snap Mare grabs him. OH MY GOD! Snapmare Kid just hit a STONECUTTER on Luke Warm! He hit a move.
NH: He looks like he's in shock. I think he was just trying to hit a snapmare but something went wrong.
SMK: Luke, my foot slipped, I swear!
Domino: Jabroney! Tag The Domino before The Domino comes in there and Domino Rally's your no-talent ass!
Styles: Well, accident or not, here comes The Domino!
SMK: You want me to do a what?
Domino: *Sigh* A clothesline, jabroney! Just hold my hand!
TD: Son of a...
Styles: Domino just tossed SMK over the top rope! OH MY GOD! Luke Warm charges at Domino, who ducks a clothesline. DDT by Domino! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! He pulls Luke Warm up and whips him into the ropes. CLOTHESLINE!
NH: He makes a tag to Snapmare.
Styles: DOUBLE SNAPMARE connects! Cover by Domino! One! Two! No. Quick tag into Domino. Domino puts Warm up on the top rope. Both SMK and Domino get onto the second rope. Oh NO!
NH: Double snapmare from the ropes! He hasn't been able to master another move in three years? There are projects, and then there are rejects. I think we know which one SMK is.
Styles: Domino with a cover. One! Two! No! Luke Warm kicks out.
SW: Luke Warm is gonna lose, and that's the lower latitude!
Styles: Aren't you the one who brought Luke Warm back to BOB? Now you're cheering against him?
SW: Oh, please, like our viewers remember what happened three shows ago. I'm a heel, Styles! I don't have to make sense. It's not like our shows ever do anyway.
NH: Domino with a punch. Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Punch! Eww, he spits into his hand. Luke Warm ducks. Punch by Warm! Punch by Domino! Punch by Warm! Punch by Domino! Punch by Warm! Punch by Domino! Punch by Warm! Punch by Domino! DOUBLE PUNCH! Both men are down!
Styles: Domino crawling for the tag. SMK is tagged in! SMK runs toward Warm, who is close to a tag! SNAPMARE! But the snapmare sends Luke Warm closer to Urine! There's the tag!
Styles: Urine is in. Punch to SMK! Punch! Punch! He whips him into the ropes. Average-sized boot connects!
[Domino taps Generic Ref on the left shoulder. He then runs in the ring to the right of Generic Ref, who is stumped.]
NH: Domino Rally on Urine! That's it! Domino pulls SMK on top of Urine. There's the cover! One! Two!
SW: SMK just broke the count! Now he's...he just pulled Urine on top of himself? What the hell?
Styles: COVER! One! Two! Domino breaks up the cover. Domino just pulled SMK up by the hair.
TD: What in the HELL are you doing?
SMK: I'm the show starter! I'm the curtain jerker! I am THE jobber! I can't get a win here!
TD: The Domino says you cover him or The Domino will Domino Rally you through this mat.
SMK: Really? COOL!
NH: He asked for it and there it is! Domino Rally on his own tag team partner! Domino just planted SMK.
Styles: But here comes Luke Warm! STONECUTTER ON DOMINO! Luke tosses Urine on top of Domino! COVER! ONE! TWO! THR-NO! Urine just broke the cover up!
NH: Warm can't believe it!
SW: This is retarded. SMK and Urine refuse to win.
Styles: Warm is asking Urine what he's doing.
NH: Domino just rolled out of the ring. He's limping for his life!
Urine: I can't pin him, sister! I am a jobbing GOD, hombre!
Styles: STONECUTTER ON URINE!
[POP! Sounds of stuff breaking fill the arena. Somebody tosses Luke a couple of Yoohoos and he climbs up on the turnbuckles, toasts the crowd and begins gulping them down. So, I hope you don't need closure on that match, because we're heading backstage, where Wig Show is packing up his stuff while the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt sat on a steel folding chair near him.]
WS: I don't care if you miss "Jackass," we can't use the BOB roster to recreate your favorite stunts from the show!
WS: There are gonna be consequences! Probably at Grudge Match A-Go-Go!
WS: NO, I don't want to go watch your old videos! (Wig Show's voice suddenly becomes a monotone) Yes, master.
[Back to the ring.]
MV: This is our main event. It will be a fatal threeway match with rules that are more confusing than income tax returns.
["Enter Kevin" by Vietallica plays.]
MV: Introducing first, this is Kevin the Pyromaniac!
NH: Where is he?
[Lock, Shock and Barry shove Kevin out and then block the entryway. Reluctantly, Kevin goes to the ring.]
SW: Oh no! Sarah just came out of the crowd!
Styles: Sarahconrana in the aisle! She's looking to end this thing before Death can even get out here! She's dragging Kevin to the ring!
NH: Here comes Death! He drops the scythe in the aisle and is running as fast as his bones will take him. Sarah grabs Kevin's leg, but he kicks her away.
Styles: I guess we're under way?
NH: And it will do Sarah no good to pin Sarah. She can only break his kneecap.
Styles: Right you are, Heidi. Death is in the ring! He grabs Sarah. Knee lift by Death! And there's an elbow to the back of her head. Death heading for Kevin, but Sarah grabs Death by the ankle, and Death falls face first to the mat. Sarah jumps on top of Death.
SW: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
NH: Kevin just pulled out lighter fluid. He's spraying Death and Sarah! Oh, man! Sarah just got it in the eye.
SW: Don't you just hate it when stuff squirts in your eye, Heidi.
NH: I sure do.
Styles: But Death is up.
SW: He doesn't have any eyes. Come to think of it, I don't think bones are flammable.
NH: I'm sure his designer black cloak is though.
SW: Oh yeah! Crap!
Styles: Death swats the lighter out of his hands. He goes for the Touch Of Death, but Kevin slips in a puddle of lighter fluid. Death reaching down for him, but Sarah slides through his legs! He has Kevin's knee!
SW: But Death is gonna get him first!
SW: TOUCH OF DEATH!
Styles: Sarah did it! OH MY GOD! She busted Kevin's kneecap!
SW: No, DEATH did it! He just KILLED Kevin. Get your eyes checked, Styles.
NH: I don't know. That thing looked like they both hit at the same time. I think it's a draw.
Styles: Well, it doesn't matter what we think. It's up to what Generic Ref says.
MW: Ladies and gentlemen, Generic Ref has declared the winner of this match, Sarah "The Jobber Bitch."
Death: No way! I killed that kid! It felt good. I'd smoke a cigarette to celebrate, but I'm covered in lighter fluid.
StJS: Well, if you killed him, where's the body genius? I cracked his knee. I heard it. Everybody heard it crack.
[A red flag is tossed into the ring.]
Styles: What the hell? Trey Vincent is down here and he just challenged the ruling? You can't do that! This isn't football!
[Generic Ref talks to Trey, who is on the apron.]
SW: He can do whatever he wants, Styles. He's the Vice President In Charge of Everything.
Styles: This sucks!
[Generic Ref goes to the floor and takes the microphone.]
GR: The Skull & Bones Society is challenging the ruling on the canvas that Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" did not break Kevin's kneecap before Death killed him.
NH: It looks like Generic Ref is heading to the TinyTron to review this fall. We only have one camera angle, but I don't know if it'll be conclusive or not.
Styles: Fans, we'll be right back. Don't you DARE miss this ruling!
We'll show you OURS, if you show us YOURS.
SEND US MONEY: Grudge Match A-Go-Go. It's coming in December.
[Back in the field house, Generic Ref is walking back toward the ring, where Sarah is using a towel to wipe the lighter fluid off. Death and Trey are looking at the latest Ginormous Jiggling Boobs magazine.]
StJS: The camera's on.
TV: Huh? Whoops.
[Trey tosses the magazine over his shoulder. A young boy in the front row leans over the guardrail and catches the magazine in a baseball glove. Everyone around him applauds.]
GR: *Ahem* Upon further review, the ruling on the canvas has been overturned!
GR: Before Sarah completed breaking Kevin's knee, Death completed the Touch Of Death, killing Kevin a mere second before Sarah completed her move. Therefore, the winner of the match is Death!
[We cut to the announcers.]
Styles: The Skull & Bones Society has done it again. Sarah won that match and you know it! There is a conspiracy to screw Sarah out of that title.
SW: Yep. And it'll finally happen in December. I can't wait. Just deal with it, Styles. We make the champions. We do what's right.
Styles: For you!
SW: What's wrong with that? It's the American way.
Styles: Well, for Nurse Heidi and Scotty Whatbody, I am Styles, saying, good morning everybody.
[A disgusted Styles throws down his headset as we fade out.]
© 2005 BOB Wrestling. Just a bunch of jackasses.