A hand spins a 12-inch table model plastic globe as the TVM rating flashes on the upper left hand corner of the screen.
Is It December Yet? I Need A Vacation...
[Opening video montage? Intro? Pyro? Nope.]
Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget and Sunday Morning Chloroform! We are on tape in Grapevine, Texas in the Generic Arena! We've got two huge matches tonight.
Scotty Whatbody: And a few other mediocre ones. One might even dare call it filler. But not me.
Nurse Heidi: Grudge Match A-Go-Go.
SW: What about it?
NH: Nothing. Just mentioning it.
SW: Ugh. The hype machine rattles on.
["Money" by Pink Floyd hits.]
SW: But we're gonna start this show some real style.
Styles: Trey Vincent and Death, the masterminds behind the Skull & Bones Society, are on their way out here to no doubt blabber on and on about screwing Sarah out of the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
NH: Trey's whole life is about screwing people, either physically or politically.
SW: Is it any wonder he's a vice president now?
Michelle Vincent: Ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome the Vice President In Charge of Everything, the hottest stud on the planet, my husband, Trey Vincent! And the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Death!
SW: Can't we just strip Sarah of the title. And then her clothes? That'd be sweet.
Styles: Titles are supposed to be won in the ring.
SW: This IS a parody fed, right?
Styles: Your point?
SW: Sarah should be naked! We are rated TVM.
[Trey gets the microphone, and a disgusting face licking, from Michelle. Geez, Trey. Save your freaky fetishes for later, huh?]
TV: Huh? Face licking is hot. Anyway. Well, last week we saw everybody's hero, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" lose the chance to make some stipulations for the big tittie match in December on BOB-On-Demand at Grudge Match A-Go-Go. And can Trey Vincent just mention that in the future, Trey Vincent really doesn't want to use hyphenated words as part of a pay-per-view title? Trey Vincent's carpal tunnel is acting up something fierce.
Death: Sure it wasn't the...(Death makes a jerking motion with his right hand). BWAHAHAHAHA! I kill me!
TV: Anyway...Trey Vincent would like to send a shoutout to Dusty, who is at home this week recovering after a vicious, fiery assault by the Drudley Boyz. Trey Vincent would no doubt punish the Drudley Boyz with a handicap gauntlet flaming death match here, but they're heels, so what're ya gonna do.
Death: Weren't you talking about Sarah and my match?
TV: Oh, right. My bad. Damn this alcohol. You're driving Trey Vincent home.
Death: Um, we're in Texas. You live in Minneapolis.
TV: Huh? Shut up! Anyway. Sarah. Trey Vincent would like to announce the titulations for your match.
Death: Did you just say 'titulations'?
TV: Probably. And they are this. There is going to be a special guest referee. And that person will be. Me! Trey Vincent. But that's not all, babe. The special time keeper will be Steve Leary. We will also have special outside enforcer John "Skeeter" Skeet. And we will also have a special...something-or-other, Dustbuster Boy, Esq.!
NH: Damn. Things are looking bleak for Sarah.
TV: That's right. And beside me, you are looking at the next BOOB ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, DEATH!
NH: He's just full of Freudian slips this morning, isn't he?
["Taking Care of Business" by BTO hits the speakers, causing the crowd to cheer. Friggin' Pavlov dogs!]
Styles: It's BigBOSS! Along with his personal henchmen, Lock, Shock and Barry!
SW: Tell me he doesn't have a bucket with him.
NH: I don't see one.
SW: Is it just me, or is BigBOSS walking like he just did a number two in his pants before he came out here?
Styles: I'll tell him that next time I see him.
SW: What's he gonna do? Fire me.
Styles: He could dock your pay.
[Barry retrieves the microphone from Trey Vincent. BigBOSS now has the mic.]
BigBOSS: Trey, Trey, Trey.
TV: (Off-mic) BigBOSS, BigBOSS, BigBOSS.
BigB: I saw what you did last week. You ran down and assaulted a member of the active roster. Who told you that you could start getting physically involved? You're a member of the booking committee for goodness sake!
TV: It was Dustbuster Boy's dying request.
BigB: He isn't dead.
TV: Well...he thought he was at the time. He said...hit Angel one time for the Duster. And so I did. But...I added a few exclamation points. And you know what? The more I punched, the more I felt Dustbuster Boy healing. So I punched and I punched and praise the Lord, he is HEALED! Hallelujah!
BigB: Trey, you and I had an agreement. So, if you want to start getting physical with your employees, then I've got the perfect thing for you. So, I'd suggest you start doing some situps and getting that beer belly back into shape. Because in a couple of weeks, you have, a match!
TV: Trey Vincent does?
BigB: He sure does. And this match will be Trey Vincent versus Kurt Angel!
BigB: That's right. Kurt versus Trey, one more time on the Go Home Edition of Sunday Morning Chloroform 30! The last Chloroform before Grudge Match A-Go-Go.
[Mark Shill runs down.]
BigB: It's going to be the BIGGEST SMC IN HISTORY!
[Mark runs away.]
BigB: But there is also this morning to look forward to. Our main event will feature a big eight-man tag team contest. And I promise there will be a surprise or two. Probably one, though. Offer void in Texas.
Death: We're in Texas.
BigB: Ha! Death and Texas! There are two certainties! That joke never gets old.
Death: *Sigh* Stick to your day job. Whatever it is.
["Taking Care of Business" plays again. Lock and Shock hold the ropes for BigBOSS as Barry eyes Death and Trey Vincent.]
SW: What an anti-climactic segment that was.
[Cut to Misty Waters, whose backside is to the camera. She is bent over, touching her toes. Obvious rating stunt? Could it get any obviouser?]
SW: But I'd love to have a climactic event with that! Woohoo!
Styles: Don't you dare go away because up next, it's Misty Waters and Meat-Puppet!
NH: Are you sure you should have used that as a reason to stay? Sheesh.
Voice-Over: Sunday Morning Chloroform is brought to you by Horizontal Lines.
The World Wide Web leader in breaking up Web pages for more than 10 years.
[Backstage, Trey Vincent was following behind BigBOSS, Lock, Shock and Barry.]
TV: Dude, this match is going to totally break into my drinking schedule.
BigB: My mind is made up. Besides, aren't you the Sports Entertainment Icon? The Franchise Player?
TV: But my drinking...
[BigBOSS pauses as they reach a door somewhere backstage in the building.]
BigB: Don't go slamming any doors over this. This is final.
TV: I don't even...I mean...Trey Vincent doesn't even know where his sports entertainment gear is. Trey Vincent SWEARS that he lost it all in a game of strip poker with a pair of Canadian chicks, but Trey Vincent could be mistaken.
BigB: (Opening the door and rushing inside) I've got things to do. We won't talk about this later. OK?
TV: Fine. Wait...
[The door shuts. Trey is alone. He stares at the closed door. There is a sign on it that reads CPU.]
TV: CPU? The fuck is that?
Sir Zeno: I have more talent in one of my eyelashes than Trey Vincent will ever have.
[We return to ringside.]
Styles: We'd like to welcome Sir Zeno to the booth. Scotty had some sort of bathroom emergency. So Zeno is taking Scotty's place for this next match.
SZ: He got so scared he pissed himself. And I don't blame him.
NH: You know Scotty has a no-bump clause in his contract now because of you.
SZ: Accidents happen.
NH: What's that mean?
SZ: You know. And so does she.
["Fuck And Run" by Liz Phair plays.]
MV: The opening contest is set for one fall. Introducing first. From Buttzville, New Jersey, this is Misty Waters! And already in the ring, from the Shady Rest Cemetery. Meat-Puppet!
NH: He got the jobber intro.
Styles: Meat-Puppet doesn't have the greatest win-loss record around here.
SZ: Misty has failed to defeat anybody of note in BOB. She failed to beat Queen Mylisiv. She couldn't even get to the ring last week after she tripped and smashed her face into a mirror. And now she's got to deal with seven years of bad luck. And if memory serves me, Grudge Match A-Go-Go falls within seven years.
Styles: Misty with some forearm shots to Meat-Puppet. And there's a chop.
SZ: Weak. There is no way she can beat me.
Styles: Irish whip and Meat-Puppet trips.
NH: Coordination diminishes after death.
Styles: Leg drop to the back of Meat-Puppet's head.
SZ: Misty Waters does not deserve to be the number one contender for my Swiss Army Belt. And according to the script, it looks like it's about time for me to go end this farce.
Styles: Sir Zeno is on his way to the ring!
SZ: Will you lower your voice before I pull out your tongue and choke you with it.
NH: Oh boy. Generic Ref apparently heard you, Styles.
Styles: Zeno is up on the apron, but Generic Ref is warning Zeno not to come into the ring or else we'll have a DQ.
NH: Queen Mylisiv is sneaking down. Misty doesn't see her.
Styles: She does now. Kick. Royal Ouchie to Misty!
Styles: Mylisiv pulls Meat-Puppet on top of Misty! You've got to be kidding me!
NH: Who did she piss off in the back office?
Styles: Zeno is down. Generic Ref turns around just in time to miss Mylisiv and to see the cover! One. Two. Three.
NH: Yikes! I don't know what she'll think hurt more. The Royal Ouchie or losing to Meat-Puppet. Not only losing, but being PINNED by Meat-Puppet.
MV: The winner of the match is...Meat-Puppet?
Styles: Oh no! Everybody's in the ring now, stomping away on the master of the Misty Mountain Stomp. Now Zeno is searching through the weapons on the Swiss Army Belt. He just pulled out the bottle opener! Oh no! He blasts Misty with it! That was brutal!
It has been away for many weeks.
It was left for dead.
It ate a dookie.
But in just a couple weeks...
LET'S GET READY TO
*RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*!
[Various pictures of Unit 5 flash up on the screen.]
Announcer: Unit 5 returns on the GO HOME EDITION of Sunday Morning Chloroform. Two SMCs from now! The last SMC before BOB-On-Demand presents Grudge Match A-Go-Go! So stay up late or get up early or forget to take your meds that make you go to sleep.
[douja's smoke-filled room. He is watching the television with the lights off.]
douja: *Inhales* shiiiit.
[Back to the ring we go. "Disciple" by Slayer is blaring.]
Fan: ANGEL OF DEATH!
[Shut up you sheep-biting hugger mugger. They have more than one song.]
MV: The following is set for one fall and is a bring your tag team partners down to ringside so they can interfere on your behalf behind the referee's back match. Introducing first, already in the ring, accompanied by Rob Van Spam and manager Bill Alfalfa, this is Alan Qaida!
SW: I'm back.
NH: You get your bladder under control.
SW: I did. Thanks for asking.
["Shake That Ass Bitch" by Splack Pack plays next.]
MV: And his opponent. From Staten Island, New York. Accompanied by Britney Smears, this is Christina Gaguilera!
SW: Now, I've been wondering this. Do they use those vibrators with the barbed wire on, or do they take it off?
NH: I would hope they take the barbed wire off. These two are a little...
Styles: These two teams had a wild, bloody brawl last time on SMC during the never-ending tag team match. A match so hardcore that BigBOSS had to stop it before we got thrown off the air.
SW: So, what, they're gonna be more sane this morning because BigBOSS asked them to tone it down?
NH: Theoretically, yes. They promised to try.
SW: Right. They were just peeing on BigBOSSes leg.
SW: You know...peeing on his leg, telling him it's raining. Lying.
NH: Oh. I thought BigB was into some kinky stuff I didn't know about.
SW: I could ask Mrs. Behave.
Styles: Meanwhile, we've got a slugfest going in the middle of the ring. Qaida with a dropkick to Christina's shin. Asai moonsault and Qaida lands on Christina's head!
SW: It's OK. She's used to having guys land on her head like that in her other line of work.
NH: Christina scrambles out of the ring, trying to get a breather.
Styles: RVS just slid Qaida a chair! I think we're about to see Air Qaida!
[Christina and Britney are busy talking about stuff.]
CG: He, like, totally blew that spot. I am so going to punt his balls up into his throat.
BS: You are so sexy when you're, like, all sweaty and stuff. After the show, you wanna get drunk, get married and videotape the honeymoon? I'll stop taking my birth control pills. *Wink*
Styles: Qaida off the ropes!
[Qaida leaps onto the chair, onto the top rope and then does a suicide somersault body press but misses Britney and Christina by about 10 feet.]
Styles: OH MY GOD!
NH: Damn, Alan Qaida's aim is off this morning. He just splattered himself on the floor.
SW: What a boob. And speaking of boobs, look at those four! And those two! Woohoo!
[Cut to Uber Vampire Warrior.]
UVM: Six! Six breasts! Ah-ah-ah!
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: Qaida is going to kill himself in the ring, somewhere around the ring or somewhere near a BOB event trying one of his death-defying maneuvers.
SW: I'll have to check with Death on that fact.
Styles: Britney and Christina drag Qaida up and shove him into the ring. Mr. Sunday Morning Rob Van Spam shoves at Britney. We've got a shoving match on the floor. Generic Ref coming to try and break the shoving fight up.
NH: Xtina's got Qaida up on the ropes. Dirrrty Kick connects!
Styles: Alfalfa's in the ring. He's got a chair!
SW: What a weak chair shot. That was worse than a Hogan chairshot.
Styles: Christina is laughing. She grabs Alfalfa.
SW: She's kissing him?
NH: No! She's biting his nose!
Styles: Oh my god!
NH: Van Spam just slid Qaida an iPod. Oh no!
Styles: Gaguilera is taken out by the iPod.
SW: Finally, the music fights back against the woman who's tried to destroy it.
Styles: Qaida heads to the top rope. Afghanistan Face Buster! COVER! Here comes Generic Ref! One! Two! Three!
NH: Britney's in! SPEAR ON QAIDA! Look out!
Styles: VAN SPAMINATOR! And I have a feeling this war is far from over.
[Backstage, The Commentator was staring blankly at the camera.]
Voice: We're rolling!
TC: Hello everyone, and welcome backstage. I am standing by with...(he looks around). The Domino!
[The Domino walks into the shot. He is booed LOUDLY. Must be fake noise, because, well, we didn't set up the TinyTron this morning. The Domino grabs the mic. After a dramatic pause and a death-stare pointed at TC, The Domino speaks.]
TD: The Domino cannot WAIT, to FINALLY, LEAVE, Grapevine, Texas!
[The volume of the boos is turned up. And then back down.]
TD: Now, The Domino, the greatest parody sports entertainer of ALL-TIME, came to this hellhole this morning, ONCE AGAIN, to layeth the tipeth over on that bald-headed Texas jabroney, Luke Warm. And may The Domino just add, what great booking. You're in Texas, and you can't even get that Bumbledink to show up. What's, he off drinking Lukehoos at the local supermarket? Being hounded by his one fan, some saggy, jiggly, white trash blond with an annoying voice talking about puppies? Nah, The Domino bets Luke Warm can't even GET poontang of that high quality...which isn't saying much for Luke Warm, TC.
TD: Where is your good buddy, TC? And don't tell The Domino that he couldn't be here because he got blown up or eaten or some crap like that. Because if it smells like crap, the Domino's gotta be stirrin' it!
Nic Flare: Did somebody say CRAP? Wooooooo! Theeeeeeeee, WOOOOOObygod, Commentator! If you're talking about crap, you must be talkin' about the Natural Dude, punk! Wooooo! That's right! Wooooo! That's right. WOOOOO! That's right. WOOOO!
TD: Cue card guy! The Domino says wake up!
Voice: Whoops. Sorry.
NF: That's...WOOOOO! WOOOOOO! WOOOOO!
TD: That's much better. *Rolls eyes*
Snapmare Kid: Did somebody say snapmare?
SMK: Oh. Hey, The Domino. How's my favorite tag team partner?
TD: He's mighty pissed off.
SMK: Really? Speaking of piss. I have something to say to Urine. Urine. You smell.
NF: Did somebody say SMELL? I am the SMELLIEST of all-time, fat boy. Woooo!
TD: The Domino hopes Urine pisses all over you (to Snapmare Kid), you (to Flare) and even you (to Commentator). Piss on ALL of you.
XXXtreme Machine: wil u al shit teh fuc pu! U r al jobbrs. 4 i am trp=uple xxx n i am tat dnam god!!!!! aint no jobbin mee nowwwwwwwwww!!!!!!
Urine: Well let me tell you something palsy-walsies! The jobbing god is here, mommies! You can all bow down and worship the floor that I walk on, uncles! And Snapmare Kid! What are you gonna do?
SMK: I'm gonna go shower after you pee all over me!
Urine: Tell me you did not just pre-empt my catchphrase, grandpa!
[Pete 'X-Factor' Trable pushes his way into the middle of the camera shot, which is now completely packed.]
Trable: Chill, chill, chill, chill. Hold up. Yo. Yo. YO! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! YO! Yo! Yo! Yo! YoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoYO! Yo.
The X-Factor is HERE! And he's hearing a lot of anger
I'm mad too, homies, I'm missing "Walker, Texas Ranger"
Yo Domino, I hear what you been stirrin'
You want to piss off? (He grabs his crotch) Here's some urine
You better worry about beating my homey Luke Warm
Is there some sports entertainment Viagra? Cuz you just can't perform
Nic Flare, all you do is run around and go Woooo!
How old are you anyway? 182?
Well, damn, if it isn't the Snapmare Kid
Dude, you gonna be sprayed in the face with a yellow liquid
You know, by my favorite nephew ever, the leader of the Urination
A guy whose biggest skill is, sadly, masturbation
And damn, if it isn't the original blue-haired freak, XXXtreme Machine
Do me a favor dog, and use this gift. I call it vanishing cream
Get out of my sight and quit being on my TV, ya hear?
Because, for real, the X-FACTOR IS HERE!
Rubba Ray Drudley (Off-screen): D-VAN!
D-Van Drudley: What?
RRD: GET THE TRABLE!
[And, we're heading elsewhere now. To a hallway. A woman, dressed in red leather pants and a black T-shirt was bouncing down the hallway, her back to the camera.]
Atomo: UNIT: SARAH_BOT?
[The woman stopped, but didn't turn around.]
Atomo: HEY-HOLD-UP-A-SECOND. I-KNOW-WE-MAY-HAVE-GOTTEN-OFF-ON-THE-WRONG-FOOT-WITH-YOU-THROWING-ME-THROUGH-A-WALL-AND-ALL-BUT...
[The woman turned around. And pulled off her blonde wig. To reveal her real blonde-colored hair. The Bride!]
Atomo: Unit: THE-BRIDE?
The Bride: Poor, Atomo. A robot in love. Isn't it so sad that the only other robot around here doesn't even know you exist. Well, maybe she does. She did throw you through a wall, didn't she. But you know what, Atomo. You have bigger things to worry about than some skankbot when you've got to face me at Grudge Match A-Go-Go. I'm allowing you to keep your pathetic, loveless life right now, only because if I kill you know, they'll probably vacate the title and I'll have to go through a tournament or a gauntlet. But know this, Atomo. Soon, you'll be as dead to the world as your chances of finding love and marriage and little toasters with Sarah_bot.
NH: Poor, Atomo...
SW: Wow. What a bitch!
[The Bride walks away, laughing. The camera spin around to Atomo, who is sad. The camera keeps panning in closer and closer until all we can see are his eyes. After a few seconds, they go completely red. Atomo begins rattling.]
[Back to the ring.]
NH: I think The Bride just made it onto Atomo's death list. But I've got to say, when it comes to man-hate, you gotta respect The Bride.
["Are We Ourselves" by the Fixx plays.]
MV: The following contest is for the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title! Introducing first, the challenger. From Dimension Z. This is Mr. Paradox!
Styles: Big return match here of sorts. Though Insano Mano actually pinned Paradox for the title, with help from Steve Studnuts who was dressed up as Kamikazie Ken.
NH: But at least it wasn't an overly complicated situation.
[I'll update YOU, iTunes!]
[Sorry. I was about to type something else, but I got interrupted. Apparently there is a new update for the crappy iTunes 5. And you know, I'm sure none of you care, but I'm the guy who has to play the introduction songs now. And I have to use iTunes because I don't have a DJ station. What about me? What about Detached Narrator? Hey Pigeon. How'd you get in—OWWW! That wasn't nice. Sorry. I won't steal your catchphrase again. I swear. Damn...Pigeon looked mad.]
MV: And his opponent...
MV: AND HIS OPPONENT...
SW: Uh, Narrator?
NH: You know, the show can't continue until you cue up his theme song and make them come out here.
[Bah! Fine. "Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing." Discharge. Now fuck off. I'm reading in the forums.]
MV: Being accompanied by Wig Show, the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion, the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt!
SW: So, for all you newbies reading, er, watching BOB for the first time. Wig Show has been possessed by the spirit of the title belt and is doing its bidding.
Styles: That's why Wig Show is out here. And Mr. Paradox is not backing down at all. He's nose to chest with the Wig Show.
NH: Who is wearing a cute Marilyn Monroe wig this morning.
Styles: And here we go! Wig Show shoves Paradox into the ropes. Big right hand sends Paradox over the top rope to the floor. Wig Show is going right after him. Paradox on the attack, but those punches having little effect on Wig Show.
SW: That blubber is like a bullet-proof vest.
Styles: Giant headbutt by Wig Show.
NH: Aww, he lost his wig.
Styles: Big boot and Paradox goes flying into the front row! They are taking this fight to the extreme!
NH: Hey, look! It's Insano Mano!
Styles: Insano Sault on the title belt! COVER! One! Two! Thre-NO!
Styles: Pigeon just pulled off Mano! PIGEON DROP! He shoves Mano out of the ring. Pigeon picks up the belt. PIGEON DROP! COVER! One! Two! Thre-NO!
NH: It's Super Gluey!
Styles: He just broke up the cover with a crazy leg drop from the top rope!
NH: Gluey, Styles. Gluey.
SW: Wig Show and Paradox are so busy brawling they don't even realize what's going on.
Styles: But now Super Gluey's leg is stuck to the back of Pigeon's neck and hair. Pigeon picks up Gluey. POWERBOMB! But he's still stuck!
NH: Here comes Rob Van Spam!
Styles: He climbs up top. One-star Frog Splash on the title belt! He hooks the strap! ONE! Two! Oh no!
Styles: Britney Smears just hit him in the back of the head with her barbed wire vibrator! SHE covers the belt! One! Two!
NH: Afghanistan face buster from the top rope breaks that up.
SW: Wig Show tries for a slam on Paradox, but Paradox slips behind. Low blow kick. Paradox starting to head back, but NO! Wig Show grabs him! Showscalper on the floor. Nice.
Styles: Christina Gaguilera and Alan Qaida brawling once again. Britney spears RVS through the ropes! Pigeon is yanking clumps of hair from his head to get Super Gluey off of him. Mano sneaks back in! COVER! One! Two! OH! Pigeon just powerbombed Super Gluey onto Mano to break it up.
NH: Wig Show climbs back into the ring.
WS: Uh oh.
Styles: Everybody attacks Wig Show! It's payback time for all the stunts he made the sports entertainers endure recently! They are beating Wig Show to a pulp! Wig Show rolls out of the ring. But they're in hot pursuit. Everybody is beating on Wig Show.
NH: Leaving the title belt. Alone. In the middle of the ring. If anybody were to come out now, they could easily get the pin.
["Ride of the Valkryies" hits. And all eyes turn to the rafters.]
Styles: What the? He's got a blindfold? What is he doing?
NH: He's dipping into his classix.
Styles: Not the Suicide Squadron! I haven't seen him do this move in EVER!
NH: We are about to see a 540 reverse moonsault.
SW: 540? Is that the one where he lands head first?
Styles: That's the one. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
SW: Well, he sure nailed the canvas with that one.
Styles: He missed!
NH: Kids, that's why you don't do 540 moonsaults blindfolded.
SW: Yeah. Do them without blindfolds until you've mastered the art of paralyzing yourself.
Styles: Hold on! While Wig Show is being beaten, Mr. Paradox is back in! Not even Kamikazie Ken's broken body can stop him now. He's got a clear lane to the title belt. COVER! One! Two! Three-NO!
NH: It's Silaconne M. Plants! He pulls up Paradox.
Styles: And Steve Studnuts hits the ring. Here comes the Scalpel's Edge! Sil nails it! This crowd is going completely monkey! Studnuts and Plants have thwarted Paradox's attempt to regain the title. Studnuts has Paradox up. JERKWEED DROP!
SW: Here comes Dr. Thrilla!
Styles: He gets the jump on Plants. TRICKED OUT TORSO sends Plants to the mat. But Studnuts charges at Thrilla with a vicious clothesline. He picks up the title belt. OH! Studnuts smashes the belt into Thrilla's face!
[Studnuts throws the title away like it's nothing more than garbage.]
Styles: Wig Show just caught the belt! And now he's running for his life!
NH: This is absolute chaos out here!
Styles: I can't wait for Snore Games at Grudge Match A-Go-Go! It's gonna be EXTREME!
Grudge Match A-Go-Go is just around the corner. What are you waiting for? Buy it now before you waste your money on Christmas presents for your friends or family. Or, if you're in the giving mood, give your friends and family a link to our Web site and the proper funds to buy our show! C'mon. It's only $20. Send Us Money! We DEMAND it.
Send Us Money: Grudge Match A-Go-Go. We promise our main event won't end in a suck screw job!
Voice-Over: Eyhay! Ouyay antway omesay Igpay Atinolay Eathay?
["Low Rider" by Korn plays.]
MV: The following match is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Equilatay, Ississippimay, Igpay Atinolay Eathay.
NH: He's got his work cut out for him this morning. He's got The Bride.
Styles: The Bride of course is the number one contender for the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title.
NH: Atomo looked mighty upset earlier. I wouldn't want to be in The Bride's shoes. He was all 'Atomo destroy'. Probably not a good thing.
[Backstage, The Bride was waiting for her music to begin playing. Then she got hit with something in the chest. The force of the impact sent her flat on her back on the floor. She tried to raise her head and saw...brown all over her yellow suit. She lifted a shaky hand up. It was also covered in brown, sticky liquid.]
Atomo: WELL. YOU'RE-NOT-SUCH-A-BAD-ASS-WHEN-YOUR-TITS-ARE-COVERED-IN-OIL-NOW-ARE-YOU? I-CAN'T-EVEN-IMAGINE-THE-SORT-OF-PAIN-THAT-OIL-IS-CAUSING-YOU. BUT-IT'S-NOT-NEARLY-AS-MUCH-AS-YOU-HURT-MY-FEELINGS-EARLIER.
[The Bride spits at Atomo. Atomo sticks his finger down his throat.}
Styles: Oh my GOD! Atomo just vomited oil all over The Bride!
SW: Atomo's bulimic?
[Atomo picks up a full bottle of Castrol. He smashes the plastic bottle against her head, knocking her out. Meanwhile, I guess ironically, The Bride's theme song, "Battle Without Honor Or Humanity" begins playing. It is time for her entrance after all...I'm not being mean, really...]
SW: I don't think Bride's gonna make it to this match. Igpay is about to be jilted by The Bride. Poor guy. But at least he'll get a win.
[Atomo opens the bottle of Castrol and begins guzzling the contents of it down.]
NH: Guess he needs to replenish all the stuff he just vomited up on The Bride. Or, down on her. Whatever.
[Back to the ring. The song is still playing. Igpay is smiling widely as The Bride is a no show. He wants to count her out. Generic Ref is ready to start the count.]
IAE: Allowway emay, esseway! Oneway! Otway! Eethray! Ourfay! Ivefay!
Ixsay! Evensay! Eightway! Inenay! Entay!
MV: The winner of the match by countout, Igpay Atinolay Eathay!
SW: Didn't we just see this backstage attack followed by a countout angle last week?
NH: We sure did.
SW: Damn. Creative is so repetitive.
NH: We sure did.
SW: Damn. Creative is so repetitive.
NH: We sure did.
SW: Damn. Creative is so repetitive.
Styles: Will you cut that out?
[Backstage, we return to the saga of The Bride and Atomo. Bride is being loaded into the back of a pickup truck by Atomo and The Flunky.]
[Flunky runs off camera. Atomo shuts the back gate. Kamkorder Kid runs into shot.]
KK: Don't forget me! Shotgun!
[The truck speeds off.]
[We cut to BigBOSS, who is standing outside the CPU door with his henchman Barry and The Commentator.]
TC: Well, BigBOSS, it's been another crazy night. But I understand since we have some extra time due to the last match not happening that you have some announcements regarding Grudge Match A-Go-Go?
BigB: That's right. I do. (He digs into his pocket and pulls out an index card.) In addition to the other matches, which I'm sure everybody knows about now, so I won't need to reiterate them. I would like to announce two more matches and add a stipulation to one of the existing matches. *Ahem* First off. In the Swiss Army Belt match, Sir Zeno and Misty Waters will do battle in a Merry Holidays Match. And this will be a first of its kind match. In every corner of the ring, we are going to place one holiday present. Whoever gets to the wrapped gifts and opens them successfully can then use that weapon in the match legally.
TC: By gawd, that sounds auspicious!
BigB: Auspicious indeed! I would also like to add two more matches. First, a tag team match. It will be Seth Harker and Kay Fabe teaming up to battle Little Good and Kurt Angel in an Astronauts and Cavemen match. So we can, as a society, finally determine who would win in a battle between cavemen and astronauts. And to figure out who will be which team, in two weeks, we will see a double jeopardy ladder match on the GO HOME EDITION of SMC 30. We will see Little Good and Seth Harker battle one on one in that match.
BigB: And finally, we've seen a lot of people fighting over the hardcore title of late. Well, we have come up with a way for them all to settle their disputes. We will have the first ever, literal, Brawlers On a Budget match! On a Budget rental truck that is! The last person or thing remaining on the top of the Budget truck we use to transport our sets and ring around the country. In this match, we will see whoever the current champion is by the time we get there. Confirmed to be up there however are: Rob Van Spam. Alan Qaida. Insano Mano. Christina Gaguilera. Britney Smears. Pigeon. Kamikazie Ken. Super Gluey. The YGBCIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt.
TC: Don't you mean the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt?
BigB: Don't correct me, underling. That's all I have written down, so, end interview. No questions.
TC: But sir. What is CPU?
BigB: I said no more questions. Have this man removed.
[Barry moves toward TC, who takes off running for his life.]
Styles: Well fans, up next, it's our main event! Don't go away.
Ever wanted to BE Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."
Ever wished you could beat the crap out of XXXtreme Machine?
Ever wanted some "hot coffee"?
Er, scratch that last one, it could get us in trouble.
Have you been waiting for the greatest parody sports entertainment video game in the HISTORY of parody sports entertainment video games?
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BOB: The Video Game! Debuting exclusively on Unintendo: Slightly Improved 188.8.131.52. Buy it all! BUY BUY BUY!
[As we return, "Money" by Pink Floyd is playing.]
NH: Hey, Generic Ref isn't here. What's the deal?
Styles: I'm not sure.
SW: It's OK. Trey has the situation under control.
Styles: Care to fill us in?
MV: This is our main event eight-person tag team match! Introducing first. The Skull & Bones Society. First, from Cloudydale, this is Kay Fabe! From Parts Unknown. Seth Harker! From Athol, Massachusetts, Steve Leary! And from Roachtown, Illinois, John "Skeeter" Skeet!
SW: Notice our team is united. We come out under one theme song. These other guys are gonna come out to three different songs, I bet.
NH: Well, oddly, the show is running short this morning. We need to fill it up a bit. I'm shocked we didn't get four intros for those guys.
Styles: This match is full of bitter feelings on both sides.
SW: Yeah. Those low paychecks will do that to you.
MV: And their opponents.
Voice-Over: One, two, three, four!
["Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne hits.]
MV: Introducing first, from the brain damage unit. The Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions. Coma. Hallucination Boy. The Exploding Holy Grail.
Styles: Everybody is chasing after those tag titles, including the Distorted Icons, Skeeter and Leary. But at Grudge Match A-Go-Go, they have a match with the Drudley Boyz.
NH: I'm sure that'll be one hell of a street fight.
SW: Hey! That's a good idea for their gimmick match. A Drudleyville Street Fight. I'll have to float that idea with the bosses.
NH: Just make sure I get the credit.
SW: Will you eat my French fry and make me a happy meal?
NH: Eww. That's so disgusting.
["Too Drunk To Fuck" by Dead Kennedys plays next.]
MV: Their partner. From Cloudydale. Little Good.
Styles: Michelle with the most half-hearted introductions I've heard in my life.
NH: Yeah. You know who she's blowing to keep her job, though.
["I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)" by Marilyn Manson hits. Kurt gets a big pop.]
MV: And their partner. From Heaven. Kurt Angel!
Crowd: YOU'RE STONED! YOU'RE STONED! YOU'RE STONED! YOU'RE STONED!
Styles: The glassy-eyed, parody sports entertaining angel is here!
SW: Don't make this guy out as a hero. He was thrown out of Heaven. And you know how rare that is.
NH: It looks like we've got all the elements except a referee.
["Taking Care of Business" plays. The crowd cheers as BigBOSS returns with Lock, Shock and Barry.]
BigB: Well. As promised, I'd like to introduce our special referee for the match this morning. Everyone please welcome...BOB's ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, SARAH "THE JOBBER SLAYER"!
["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays. And here comes Sarah walking out in black leather pants and a cleavagy referee shirt.]
Styles: Well, this one just got a bit more interesting.
SW: This isn't fair. But it's OK, I guess. Trey still has HIS surprise.
NH: What is it? Death as the second ref?
SW: ... No. Much better than that...
[Trey Vincent walks out to BigBOSS and demands the microphone. He gets it.]
TV: Two can play at this game, BigBOSS. Since there will no doubt too much action for one inexperienced referee to handle, I say we need TWO inexperienced referees. So everyone please welcome the second guest referee, DEATH!
["Killed By Death" plays and here comes Death...in a referee cloak? OK, NOW I've seen everything.]
Styles: We've got two referees for this huge eight-person tag team match. And it looks like we'll have Kurt Angel starting against Kay Fabe. Oh! What slap by Kay! Kurt responds with a belly to belly overhead suplex!
SW: How dare he continue to assault this innocent woman!
Styles: Cover. One. Two, but Seth is in and breaks it up.
[The camera goes all Wachoski as Sarah grabs hold of Harker by the ponytail and spins him around to the mat along with some thunderous sound effects once Harker hits the mat.]
Styles: Oh, the crowd loves that!
NH: Seth doesn't look to happy about it.
SW: We wasted a Wachoski effect on THAT? Damn, BigBOSS and his editing team.
Styles: Tag in to Little Good. Head butt by Little Good. And both Little Good and Kay go down in a heap.
LG: Owww...bloody hell.
Styles: Little Good grabs Kay by the legs and...oh my!
[Little Good puts Kay in the Bugs Bunny position...heels over head, and puts their groins together.]
LG: (To Harker) Hey, mate, this is how I did her!
SW: Seth is pissed. Oh yeah! Greco-Roman eye poke by Kay! Nice one. Ohhhh! And she drives a knee into Little Good's crotch.
Styles: Tag in to John "Skeeter" Skeet.
SW: Brilliant move by Kay.
Styles: He's putting the boots to Little Good. Which sadly, is about the limits of his offense. But Little Good with a wild swing that connects and sends Skeeter flying backward.
NH: Coma gets the tag.
Styles: Half brain jawbreaker by Coma on Skeeter!
SW: Now there's a perfect move for him. He's totally half-brained.
Styles: And Skeeter takes a super snap. Tag back to Angel. He's pounding away on Skeeter. Oh, and there are some vicious crossfaces. Oh no! Skeeter grabs Kurt by the legs. He falls backward on top of him.
SW: Wow! He did a counter! Brilliant!
NH: But can he make the tag.
SW: He knows how to make a tag, give him a little credit, Heidi.
Styles: But he's not going for it. He grabs Angel.
SW: He's trying to suplex the master suplexer. You can do it, Skeeter!
NH: I don't think he can.
[He tries to lift up Angel once, but Angel falls right back down. Tries again. Nope. He gets him up about 75 percent of the way on the third try but suddenly collapses.]
SW: Damn it!
Crowd: Skeeter can't work! Skeeter can't work! Skeeter can't work!
Styles: He's a work in progress, huh, Scotty? Cover anyway by Skeeter. One. Two. No. Angel rolls and makes the quick tag in to Coma. And here comes Coma! He locks in a knee rack! And Skeeter is hollering in pain. Coma drops it and lifts Skeeter up into a fireman's bite! Oh my GOD!
SW: Will somebody stop him? His moves are getting crazier by the second!
NH: It's like he's combining all the moves he knows at random.
SW: Or a wrestling move generator.
Styles: There's the abdominal Achilles tendon clap! And now Coma hits a Trapezius drop! Good god!
SW: Well thankfully, he's going for the tag. Skeeter could be crippled after that retarded offense of Coma's.
Styles: Hallucination Boy has Skeeter trapped in the corner. Knife-edge chop!
[Hallucination Boy dives. He quickly gets back to his feet for another chop.]
[Hallucination Boy dives again.]
NH: The crowd having fun with Hallucination Boy.
SW: I guess we need to add don't taunt the sports entertainers as one of the rules.
Styles: Skeeter reverses a whip and Hallucination Boy hits the corner hard. Skeeter with a clothesline.
SW: Why isn't he making a tag?
NH: I told you I didn't think he could make it.
[A shot of Kay, Seth and Leary, who are killing their boredom by doing a crossword puzzle on the apron.]
Kay: What's a seven letter word that means to contend by grappling and attempting to throw or immobilize one's opponent, especially under contest rules?
Seth: I feel like I should know this one.
Styles: Skeeter lands a couple of punches. Hallucination Boy is whipped into the corner hard. Here comes Skeeter.
Styles: Hallucination Boy dives out of the way and Skeeter runs into the turnbuckles. He turns around and gets a bodyslam. Hallucination Boy tags back in his partner Coma. And there's the wheelbarrow hold!
SW: Ugh! Stop letting him in this match!
Styles: Coma now heads up top. TWISTED SUICIDA! Oh my GOD!
SW: Get the hook on Skeeter!
Styles: Coma with an atomic fist to Kay Fabe! And there's one for Seth! And another for Leary! But he turns around and gets an elbow right between the eyes! He's rushing up top! ELBOW DROP CONNECTS!
NH: But it looks like Skeeter is totally out of gas. Did you just fart?
SW: No. Heehee.
Styles: OH! That's horrible! Ack! Coma and Skeeter are both crawling for their team's corners. And we've got a double tag. Here comes Little Good and Kay Fabe!
LG: Well...so we meet again. You just can't get enough of me, can you love?
KF: OK. Yuck. So not putting up with you again.
SW: Wow! What a punch that was. Little Good goes flying into Coma.
Death: That's a tag. Coma is the legal man.
LG: Bloody hell.
Styles: And Coma walks straight into a punch. Another punch. A third punch. Kay's licking her knuckles.
SW: BITCH PUNCH~! What? It's a variation of her famous Bitch Slap.
Styles: Kay whips Coma into the ropes but he comes back with a flying Indian elbow!
SW: How did he do that?
Styles: But Kay recovers quickly with a DDT. Cover! One! Two! No. Kay with the tag into Leary. Coma is whipped into the ropes and Leary connects with a clothesline.
[Leary holds his hands up in the air in celebration. The crowd, of course, boos.]
JS: BRILLIANT, Leary!
Styles: Cover. One. Two. No.
SL: OLD SCHOOL!
Styles: And Leary locks in a headlock.
SW: Man, Leary is really an amazing technician. Straight out of the 70s or early 80s even. He's been studying his tapes and learning from the greats of the past.
NH: Didn't Trey ban restholds like this one?
SW: What? No. Of course not. This isn't a resthold. We're wearing down Coma.
NH: Well, if this is really old school, that head lock will probably be on for about three minutes.
Styles: You're right. We should take a break and hype our BOB-On-Demand some more.
NH: Good call.
Buy Send Us Money: Grudge Match A-Go-Go on BOB-On-Demand!
Buy Send Us Money: Grudge Match A-Go-Go on BOB-On-Demand!
SW: Well, that wasn't very creative, was it?
Styles: And we're back. Leary's headlock is still locked in.
Coma: Zzzzzzz. Zzzzzzz.
SW: Hey! Sarah just kicked Leary in the chin!
StJS: I was bored. Sue me.
Death: Don't make me kill you.
Styles: Well, Coma's woken up. And he grabs Leary. FORWARD TORMENT THROW connects! OH MY.
NH: Coma and Leary both need a tag. Death pulls Leary over to the corner and he tags in Seth Harker!
Styles: But Coma gets the tag to Hallucination Boy.
SW: Here's a mismatch of the millennium.
Styles: Harker ducks a clothesline.
[Wachoski time. Harker with a flying spinning heel kick. Back to normal speed.]
SW: A heel kick by a heel. It's doubly bad ass.
Styles: Harker looking to fly. He's up top!
Styles: Frog splash misses! Cover by Hallucination Boy!
SW: OH NO!
Styles: One! Two! Thr-Shoulder gets up in time.
SW: As if there was any doubt.
NH: Sounded it like you were concerned.
SW: That's a bold faced lie!
NH: No, this is bold faced lie: Scotty Whatbody is a sex god.
[Little Good runs into the ring and headbutts Harker. Both men crumple to the mat.]
LG: Bloody hell. That move looks so easy on the tele.
SW: Get him, Seth!
Styles: Harker with a baseball slide dropkick to Little Good, who falls to the floor. Now what? Harker's on the ring apron.
[Cue Wachoski. And go. Harker runs in slow motion and does his running somersault senton splash onto Little Good on the floor. We return to normal speed.]
Styles: NO REMORSE TO THE FLOOR! Oh. My. God.
NH: Kay just took over attacking Hallucination Boy. Slap. Slap. Slap.
SW: Oh, lick that palm, baby! BITCH SLAP~!
Styles: Another hellacious bump has Little Good out cold on the floor.
[Little Good feels for his pulse.]
LG: Am I dead? Bugger all. I'm not.
[He digs into his pockets and pulls out a cigarette, lights it and begins smoking.]
Styles: Here comes Skeeter again. Kicks and stomps. He's really simplified his offense against Hallucination Boy. Which isn't saying much, is it...anyway.
NH: Seth is back into this match, though I don't know how Kay became the legal person.
SW: Well, Sarah is your referee. She's not the brightest star in the galaxy.
Styles: Harker hits a snap suplex. Oh no! NO! Not the Tiger Driver '91! Tiger Driver '91 has struck again! Harker makes the cover! One! Two! Thre-Coma makes the save. Oh no, but here comes Skeeter from behind. Ax handle sends Coma through the ropes to the floor.
SW: Hey! Sarah just hit a Triple Kick on Seth! No fair!
Death: Oh yeah? Watch this.
Styles: TOUCH OF DEATH ON KURT ANGEL!
StJS: Oh yeah? Watch this!
Styles: Harker is covered! One! Two! Death kicks Hallucination Boy off.
StJS: Oh yeah?
NH: Sarah kicks Kay Fabe off the apron!
Death: Oh yeah?
Styles: Death drags Hallucination Boy up. NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB!
StJS: Oh yeah?
Styles: Sarah with a TOUCH OF DEATH on Leary!
[Leary cringes, but then realizes he's still alive.]
StJS: Oh yeah. Well. I can still do this.
Styles: Jumping roundhouse kick sends Leary flying to the floor! She then dropkicks Skeeter off as well.
Death: Oh yeah?
Styles: NO! Death has Sarah...NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB! Oh my god.
NH: Uh oh. Coma's stumbling Death's way.
Styles: NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB ON COMA!
NH: Harker's heading to the high-rent district.
SW: Nightbringer, baby. Coma can stay asleep this time.
[Leary dives on top of Seth.]
[Skeeter dives on top of Leary.]
Styles: Death makes the count. One. Two. Three. Unbelievable.
Kay: Hey! Get off my man, you idiots!
SW: What a great ending to this show. All the heroes are hurt or dead. Just like real life. Woohoo!
Styles: The Skull & Bones Society is gonna be celebrating tonight. But this is far from over. On behalf of Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi, this is Styles saying. Good morning everybody!
© 2005 BOB Wrestling. Inching ever closer to a gay orgy scene...yick...