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Sunday Morning Chloroform 29

A hand spins a 12-inch table model plastic globe as the TVM rating flashes on the upper left hand corner of the screen.

AtomoThe Bride

Caption: Last week.
Location: Texas
Time: Night
Temperature: 59
Extended Forecast: Partly cloudy

[A shot of the moon. The sound of digging is getting louder and louder. The screen switches to blurry darkness lit only by headlights. The faint sounds of "Domo Origato Mr. Roboto" can be heard playing from a truck radio. We see Atomo digging some desert sand. He stops digging and the camera spins around and heads to the back of the truck to reveal The Bride is in the back. Her eyes are opening.]

Atomo: GUESS-YOU-WON'T-WAKE-UP-DEAD-AFTER-ALL.

Kamkorder Kid (Voice): What are you gonna do to her, Atomo? You gonna bury her in the sand? Is that it?

Atomo: IS-THAT-THE-BIGGEST-BITCH-YOU-HAVE-EVER-SEEN-IN-YOUR-LIFE-OR-IS-THAT-THE-BIGGEST-BITCH-YOU'VE-EVER-SEEN-IN-YOUR-LIFE?

KK: I've seen bigger.

[Atomo drags The Bride out toward the opening in the desert sand.]

Atomo: UNIT: THE BRIDE. DO-YOU-HAVE-ANY-LAST-WORDS? ABOUT-MAYBE-PUTTING-ME-ON-ONE-OF-YOUR-SILLY-DEATH-LISTS-PERHAPS? OR-MAYBE-OFFER-ME-SOMETHING-TO-SPARE-YOUR-LIFE.

[The Bride is silent, staring up at Atomo.]

KK: I always heard she couldn't cut a promo to save her life.

Atomo: YOU-GET-THE-FEET-I'LL-GET-HER-HEAD.

[The Bride begins struggling violently. But Atomo grabs her.]

Atomo: HEY-YOU-SEE-THIS? THIS-IS-A-CAN-OF-WD40. NOW-YOU'RE GOING-IN-THE-SAND-TONIGHT. I'M-GOING-TO-BURY-YOU. I-WAS-GOING-TO-BURY-YOU-WHILE-LEAVING-BEHIND-THE-CAMERA-SO-YOU-WOULD-NOT-BE-IN-THE-DARK-AND-SCARED. BUT-IF-YOU-WOULD-PREFER-I-COULD-SPRAY-THIS-IN-YOUR-FACE-AND-THEN-YOU'LL-BE-BLIND-AND-UNABLE-TO-CALL-FOR-HELP-AND-ESCAPE-THUS-SAVING-ME-FROM-THE-FIRST-EVER-TRIAL-OF-A-ROBOT-ON-HUMAN-CHARGES-OF-MURDER. LIKE-IN-THAT-BOOK.

KK: "I, Robot"?

[The Bride looks at the camera.]

Atomo: *METAL-SNIFFLE* THIS-IS-FOR-BREAKING-ATOMO'S-METAL-HEART!

[Atomo shoves The Bride into the narrow hole which is a little less than six feet deep and not much wider than a skinny white woman's body. Atomo then proceeds to push sand all around The Bride until only her head is sticking out of the sand. The camera is placed down near her face and then she begins screaming.]

Bride: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh!

[Yeah, like that. And we slowly fade out on the scared, sandy, oily face of The Bride.]

Styles: Is this the last we've seen of The Bride? Find out this morning on Sunday Morning Chloroform!

NH: Here's a better question: Shouldn't we call the cops instead?

Styles: Ummm...

NH: Damn Verizon! You never work in an emergency! Oh well. Good luck, Bride!

Sunday Morning Chloroform Logo

The Nielsens Are Rigged...Rigged I Tells Ya!

[No opening theme song again this week. We cut to the entryway as The Flunky is lighting up a barrel full of bounced checks, notices from the IRS and legal threats from other wrestling federations that we're infringing on their unintellectual property. It's as close as we'll get to pyro this week. We have FLAMES~! and SMOKE~! The fans are applauding and looking confused as usual.]

StylesScotty WhatbodyNurse Heidi

Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget! I'm Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody and Nurse Heidi. We are live on tape in Study Butte, Texas in the Oil! Oil! Oil! Arena!

SW: I've certainly studied Heidi's butt over the years. I know that spot like the back of my hand. Now if only I could touch it with the front of my hand!

NH: Where did you get that broom? Stop that!

SW: I'm trying to sweep you off your feet.

NH: You better stop unless you want to be pulling splinters out of your rectum.

SW: Yowza. Alright. Fine. I'll give up....for now.

Styles: We have a big night for you. I think. There really isn't a script yet. Mine's completely blank.

NH: Yeah. Trey called in sick. Or drunk. I think he's just using all the time he can to get rid of his beer belly as he makes his return to the ring next week at the Go Home Edition of SMC.

SW: So, this is like the forgotten episode. The one nobody really gives a crap about. So why are we running it? Why not just call some old Classix matches or something?

Styles: BigBOSS has promised us there will be a card.

["Taking Care of Business" hits.]

Styles: Maybe it's time to find out what's in store for the BOBsters right now!

BigBOSS

[BigBOSS walks out in front of his bodyguards Lock, Shock and Barry.]

NH: And he's got the Medium-Sized Bucket with him.

SW: Oh boy. It's gonna be another night of random matches and random angles and random references.

BigB: Hello, (he consults the bottom of the Medium-Sized Bucket) STUDY BUTTE!

Crowd: Hi!

BigB: How is everybody doing this morning?

Crowd: Not bad. You?

BigB: Same day, different matches. Speaking of which, this morning is going to be huge! Gigantic! Enormous! Gargantuan! Titanic!

SW: What, we're gonna be bored for three hours?

NH: We can't be bored for three hours. This is only a two-hour show.

SW: Oh. Well...that's really doesn't make me feel any better.

BigB: Because this morning, I am going to book all of the matches...at random!

[Some groans are heard from the crowd.]

BigB: So, let's get right to it, shall we? First up, we are going to have a title match. For the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title. And in that match, we will see...(he pulls out two names). The Domino versus Igpay Atinolay Eathay!

Styles: What? Atomo The Living Robot is the champion. And he's not even here this morning.

NH: Wow, and they say a triple threat is dangerous for a champion. This match, the champion won't even be IN the match.

BigB: Also this morning, we will see an oldie but a goodie, a Loser Leaves Study Butte Match!

[A half-hearted cheer for the mentioning of the town, though, I guess the use of the name wasn't for a cheap pop, leaving the crowd all confused.]

BigB: And in that match we will see...(he pulls out two names). XXXtreme Machine against Pigeon!

SW: Sweet. Now we won't have to smell him on the bus ride out of here.

NH: Which one?

SW: Honestly, it doesn't matter. But I was assuming XXXtreme Machine would lose.

Styles: Pretty safe assumption.

BigB: Then, fans, you will see the first ever, "Disco Inferno" match. Two men will compete in a match while the 12-inch version of the Trammps disco classic plays in the arena. And we will welcome special guest referee Glenn Gilberti!

Styles: Wasn't he Disco Inferno in WCW?

SW: I don't know. I never watched that crap.

NH: Yes. He was.

BigB: The competitors will be...(he pulls out two pieces of paper). Coma versus Nic Flare!

SW: Wow, this card is really sucking so far. This card sure puts the "crap" in crap shoot.

BigB: Then, you will see a tag team match. But not just ANY tag team match. The first ever tag team "I'm A Sissy" Match! The object is to make one of the members of your opposing team say, into a microphone for the world to hear, "I'm A Sissy." And in that match we will see... Steve Studnuts & AYOOYFM Title Belt vs. Dustbuster Boy & Sarah "The Jobber Slayer".

Styles: OH my GOD! Sarah and Studnuts will be opposing each other?

SW: Why do I just know the title belt is the one that's going to say it. Somehow.

NH: I know Studnuts and Sarah won't quit. The belt CAN'T quit, Scotty. I'd say Dustbuster Boy better watch out.

BigB: Then, we will see a Spank The Loser Match!

SW: Woohoo!

BigB: And our two brawlers for that match will be...(he grabs two pieces of paper). Kay Fabe—

SW: Woohoo!

BigB: And Rubba Ray Drudley!

[Cut to Seth and Kay's room.]

Seth: Damn BigBOSS and his spanking fetish.

[Back to the ring.]

BigB: And finally, we're bringing back another great forgotten gimmick match. But we're gonna make it even more great!

[Shock whispers in BigBOSSes ear.]

BigB: Right. GREATER! A Tornado Tag Team Concussion For Nothin' Match!

Crowd: ...

BigB: And in that match will be Steve Leary and Sir Zeno against Snapmare Kid and D-Van Drudley!

SW: What the hell is a Concussion For Nothin' Match?

Styles: We first had that in the StupidBowl. That's where the brawlers put on gloves and we have ourselves a good old-fashioned anything goes shoot match. You win by knockout.

SW: You mean Brawl For All? Aw, FUCK! Nothing says "fuck you" to your employees like this match.

BigB: So, we've got a big morning ahead of us. So I say we get it going, right now!

The Domino Igpay Atinolay Eathay

Voice-Over: If ya SMELLLLLL....what the Rock....is cookin'...it smells like CRAP compared to what The Domino's stirrin'!

["The Domino Rally" theme hits.]

Michelle Vincent: The following contest is for the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title! Introducing first, one of the challengers. From Frostproof, Florida. The Domino!

Styles: It's time for a cliffhanger ad break! Don't you dare go away!


Voice-Over: And now, BOB presents the PRODUCT SPONSORED FILLER SEGMENT OF THE WEEK! This week, brought to you by Pussina Cat Food. Mmmm....something smells fishy!

[Igpay Atinolay Eathay was awoken from his slumber by a bang. He opened his eyes and saw a bag of cat food charging straight for his face.]

CRINKLESMOOSH

IAE: Mmmmphhhay!

[It was Wig Show on the attack.]

IAE: Atwhay ethay ellhay asway atthay? Eyhay! Etgay outway ofway ymay antspay ouyay igbay eakfray!

[Wig Show is shoveling cat food into Igpay's tights. Wig Show headbutts Igpay and then leaves. Igpay is dazed. Then he started to hear the meowing. He looked toward the doorway and saw several cats of all colors and sizes walking straight toward him.]

IAE: ELPHAY!

[The camera panned up onto the shelf as a locker where the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt had a front row seat to see Igpay as he cried and shrieked and as the cats meowed and ripped away, looking for the cat food.]

IAE: At'sthay otnay atcay oodfay! Ahhhhhway!

Voice-Over: Pussina Cat Food! It's like crack for cats!

Voice-Over: Eyhay! Ouyay antway omesay Igpay Atinolay Eathay?


["Low Rider" by Korn plays.]

MV: And his opponent. The other challenger. From Equilatay, Ississippimay, Igpay Atinolay Eathay!

Styles: We're back, and we're set for one of the most unique title contests ever. Atomo The Living Robot, who holds the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title, will not even be involved in the outcome of the match because he's not here. He could lose the title this morning in a match he's not even in.

SW: I wonder if Atomo will bury BigBOSS out in the desert next week.

NH: He may bury BigBOSS and whoever the new champion is.

Styles: Alright. Igpay and Domino staring at each other. Domino shoves Igpay. Igpay shoves Domino right back. And here we go. Domino unloading with some punches to Igpay.

SW: Igpay isway inway eepday itshay.

Styles: But Igpay with a desperate dropkick to Domino's legs takes him off his feet. Igpay goes up top. Hoodanconrana on Domino! And Domino rolls out to the floor. But Igpay isn't stopping. Igpay going for a springboard....uh....fallonhisheadandseverelyhurthimself.

SW: Damn. Igpay's really can't fly.

NH: I think his foot got caught on the top rope. I hope he's not paralyzed.

SW: Yeah. We might be eating hot dogs made out of Igpay parts next week.

NH: Gross.

Styles: Domino taking full advantage by stomping away on Igpay on the floor. Domino drags up Igpay and shoves him in the ring and makes a quick cover. One. Two. No! Almost a new Pop-Up Ads champion right there. But Domino wants to put this one away right now. He's got Igpay set up. DOMINO RALLY CONNECTS!

[Cue sounds of stuff breaking.

Cue a HUGE POP!

Cue Luke Warm!

Luke Warm

Cue a STONECUTTER!

Cue a DQ!

Cue a STONECUTTER on the ref for calling for a DQ!

Cue a STONECUTTER on Igpay Atinolay Eathay because he's there!

Cue some Luke-hoos!

Cue some thumbs up to the crowd!

Cue an annoyed look on Luke Warm's face!

Cue Luke Warm leaving the ring and walking into my brackets!

Cue a STONECUTTER on...ME?]

Luke Warm (voice): Stop saying cue!

Styles: Well, Atomo is going to retain the title since the match ended in a DQ.

Pigeon

[Who just said cue? What? Oh. I have to read this crap? Fine. And meanwhile, Luke Warm sees that that no good piece of trash Pigeon is sitting against a wall, looking all depressed. Look at him, with his stupid little haircut and his stupid little T-shirt and his stupid little-jean shorts...Hold on a second...scratch that last one. But the lower latitude is I should LAYETH the LUKETH down on him! But I won't. Why? Because I'm a professional. A team player!]

Pigeon: Well I'm sorry,
That he called me,
And that I answered the telephone,
Don't be worried,
I'm not with him,
And when I go out tonight,
I'm going home alone,
Just got back from my tour,
I'm a mess girl for sure,
All I want is some fun,
Guess that I'd better run,
Hollywood sucks you in,
But it won't spit me out,
Whoa Whoa, HA
What about me.
What about PIGEON!

Styles: Pigeon vs. XXXtreme Machine is next!


PROJECT X is coming.

Monday Night War? Oh yeah. Get ready, bitches.

For what?

Project X.

We can't tell you any more about it yet. And if it fails, hell, this will just be a funny story on a DVD Commentary one day.

If it succeeds, this is foreshadowing. Confusingly vague foreshadowing.


Styles: Welcome back everybody.

[I'm fine. Don't ask about me or anything after that STONECUTTER.]

NH: We weren't going to.

XXXtreme Machine Pigeon

["This Is XXXtreme" by Harry Dick and the No-Tones begins playing.]

Styles: What the hell? That sounds like a ripoff to the old theme song for that extreme federation we're not allowed to mention under fear of lawsuit.

SW: I thought that was your cousin who worked for them?

Styles: it was! But I saw a few tapes of them. This is bizarre.

NH: This is XXXtreme.

Styles: Trey Vincent is pushing us closer and closer to legal action.

MV: The following contest is a Loser Leaves Study Butte, Texas Match. Introducing first, from North Dakota, The Machine, Triple X Treme!

[Triple X pours water all over himself as he stands on the apron facing the crowd. He then tosses the empty bottle out into the crowd. Somebody in the crowd hurls it right back at his head.]

XXX: fuk!

["Come Out And Play" by Offspring plays next.]

MV: And his opponent. This is Pigeon!

SW: What was up with Pigeon quoting Ashlee Simpson lyrics before the break?

NH: What's up with you KNOWING they're Ashlee Simpson lyrics?

SW: OBJECTION! I want that stricken from the record!

Styles: No way. The script has spoken.

Script: BWAHAHAHA! Scotty, you're a loser!

SW: Hey! You can't talk to me like that!

RIIIIIIIIIIIIP

Script: Ow.

Styles: He must be a troubled soul if he's quoting Ashlee.

NH: I'm just amazed there is somebody less talented than Jessica.

SW: Who cares about talent. Have you seen her legs? I'd love to leave some gnaw marks on those drumsticks. Woohoo!

Styles: We're ready to kick this one off. Triple X has a pry bar! He charges at Pigeon, but Pigeon with the DROP TOE HOLD OF DOOM! And Triple X smashes his skull into his own pry bar!

SW: He's in the Approved Blading Position™. And...he's busted open! Yikes. Think he overdid it much?

NH: Wow. Blood is pouring down XXXtreme...sorry, Triple X's face.

Styles: Pigeon whips Triple X, but X with a reversal. He just launched himself like a torpedo into Pigeon's crotch! Damn. The Machine lands some hard stomps to Pigeon's head.

SW: Now what's this idiot gonna do?

Styles: He's heading under the ring. Do we actually have some weapons under there?

[Triple X pulls out a metal yardstick.]

SW: Apparently not.

XXX: I m teh roolr off teg wirld!!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

NH: I don't know. A metal ruler can do a little damage. If he knows how to handle it.

SW: Oh yeah? One of your ex-boyfriends spank you with one?

NH: Good times.

Styles: Triple X smacks Pigeon on the wrist!

SW: It's the Catholic School Crippler! Youch.

Styles: And again. And again. Pigeon won't be doing much flapping after this one. OH and there's a shot right to the top of Pigeon's head. Cover! One! Two! No! Triple X not looking too horrible here for a change.

SW: Aside from being a blue-haired incoherent freak who is covered in blood and that he misspelled writing his own name on his wifebeater shirt, yeah, he's as normal as they come.

Styles: Triple X hits Pigeon again in the head. But Pigeon is up and pissed! Pigeon grabs the ruler and buttends Triple X in the gut with it. Oh man. Russian leg sweep with the ruler connects! And now Pigeon is heading to the floor to look for some weapons.

SW: What cheap ass plunder will he find down under...the ring. Word life?

NH: You got no flow, Scotty.

SW: Nope. But you do if my nose doesn't deceive me.

NH: Pig!

Styles: Oh NO! Pigeon is back in the ring with a sack of something. But he also has a STAPLER!

SW: A stapler? Not a staple gun?

Styles: Right.

SW: OK. Just checking.

Styles: Pigeon grabs Triple X. OH MY GOD! He just stapled his forehead!

Crowd: THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap* THIS IS GORY! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*

NH: At least the crowd is enjoying it. They're usually taking a bathroom break when Triple X shows up.

Styles: Pigeon picks up his sack. Oh NO! He's dumping pushpins all over the mat!

Crowd: Bee-Ohh-Bee! Bee-Ohh-Bee!

SW: Is there a bee in the crowd? I'm allergic!

NH: No. They're chanting the letters of our company. Paging Dr. Dumbass.

SW: Are you sure? It kind of looks like they're chanting...something-see-dubya. Did we overdub this?

NH: How could we? We're live on tape. We'd never overdub a crowd reaction. We don't have a crack editing team.

SW: Oh, right, we have the editing team ON crack. Right.

Styles: Pigeon pounding away on Triple X, getting ready to possibly deliver the Pigeon Drop into the pushpins. Pigeon's got him. But no! Triple X with the block. Triple X lifts him up on top. Now what have we got?

NH: They're trading shots up there.

Styles: I think he's trying for the XXXtreme Boobs!

SW: Was that a typo, Styles?

NH: I thought he called that the XXXtreme Stunner.

Styles: It's all about the Web hits and ratings. This move helps us with both, apparently, according to our research team.

SW: Who? Skeeter and Leary surfing for porn late at night?

Styles: Yeah.

NH: Triple X has Pigeon locked! He dives! But Pigeon just shoves him down!

XXX: fuuuuuukkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!

Styles: Pigeon picks up a totally destroyed Triple X. PIGEON DROP INTO THE PUSHPINS! OH MY GOD! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM!

MV: The winner of the match, Pigeon!

SW: Well, Triple X, don't let the door hit you on the Butte on your way out of town.

Nic Flare

[Backstage, The Commentator and Nic Flare were pretending to chat.]

NF: Woooo!

TC: By gawd.

NF: Wooo!

TC: By gawd.

NF: Wooo!

TC: By gawd.

[That was when TC leaned in and kissed Nic Flare on the lips.]

Flashing Caption: RATINGS STUNT!!!

[Cut to a horrified Scotty Whatbody at the announce position. His eyes are wide and his jaw is hanging wide open.]

SW: ...


Grudge Match A-Go-Go

Oh yeah, BOB-On-Demand presents: Send Us Money: Grudge Match A-Go-Go. Live! December 4! It's gonna be GRUDGE-TASTIC!


NH: Wow, some big time gay loving there before the break with TC and Flare.

Nic Flare Coma

Voice-over: Wooooooo!

["Woohoo" by the 5, 6, 7, 8's plays.]

NH: Well, it's the dirtiest old man in the game today, Nic Flare.

Styles: Scotty, are you alright?

SW: I just don't get it. Lesbian kisses, sure. Buy male kisses? WTFMF!? This is Texas. Shouldn't they be lynching these two feygs?

NF: Woooo! Let me tell you something, punk! The Naaaaature Dude has SEEN IT ALL! He's LOST THEM ALL! But that's why I'm the best at what I do, fat boy. And that's why everybody's old lady hops on CyberSpace Mountain. They call me senile! ...

[Flare looks puzzled.]

NF: Where am I, fat boy? Don't TELL, ME, WHERE I AM! I KNOW! I'm right HERE! WOOOOOOO! They want me to grab testicles, I grab the testicles. They want me to kiss a man, I kiss a man. (Looking at the floor.) Where you going, fat boy?

[Knee drop.]

NF: Wooooo!

SW: Did he just squish an ant or something?

NF: I've lost to them all! I'm talking Mickey "The Unicorn" Smokeboat! Dustee Whoads! Davidson Chase! King Crisco! Eric Von Kerry! WOOOO! And all the rest. But next WEEK! BOB will BLEED! BOB will SWEAT! And BOB, by god, will pay the PRICE for MAKING, TRIPLE, X, LEAVE, TOWN! Next week, GO HOME EDITION! WOOOOOO! Triple X, the MACHINE! And my ONLY friend! Will use me as his stooge, just like it's supposed to BE! That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. Wooooo! That's right!

MV: The following contest is set for one fall, with a 10:53 time limit. Introducing first, now coming to the ring, from Atlanta, Georgia, Nic Flare!

NF: ANNOUNCE ME! I'M ALREADY ANNOUNCED! ANNOUNCE ME! I'M ALREADY ANNOUNCED!

MV: Give me that mic!

[She rips it from his hand easily.]

Voice-Over: One, two, three, four!

[The Ramones medley plays.]

MV: And his opponent. From Parts Forgotten. One-half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, Coma!

SW: Apparently we're not hyping the BOB-On-Demand enough, guys.

NH: Oh. I'll get this one. Coma and Hallucination Boy

Subliminal Message: SEND US MONEY

NH: Are set to take on the Drudley Boyz

Subliminal Message: SEND US MONEY

NH: In a street fight at Grudge Match A-Go-Go.

Subliminal Message: SEND US MONEY

Styles: Well...it's time for the dangerous Disco Inferno match.

MV: And, please welcome the special guest referee for this Disco Inferno match, Glenn Gilberti!

Crowd: DISCO! DISCO! DISCO! DISCO!

[Gilberti does his old Disco dance routine, with the thrusting and the pointing. I don't know what the hell it's called.]

Styles: The artist formerly known as Disco Inferno is set to handle referee duties here.

["Disco Inferno" by the Trammps begins playing.]

SW: Now who's coming out?

NH: Nobody. The whole gimmick of this match is that "Disco Inferno" plays during the match.

SW: Oh yeah? What's he gonna play?

NH: Not he. The song is called "Disco Inferno."

SW: By 50 Cent?

NH: No. The Trammps.

SW: Britney and Christina?

NH: NO! Argh! Can you help me out, Styles?

Styles: Not really.

NH: You see, Scotty, this is like one of those matches where the ring is surrounded by fire, but instead, we did things the cheap way and just have the song playing. It's metaphorically surrounding the ring.

SW: Do you still have to set somebody on fire?

NH: No.

SW: Boring!

Styles: And here we go. Half chicken chop by Coma! He grabs Flare. Airplane wringer! Oh my God!

NH: Flare with a low blow. Big shocker there, huh?

Styles: But Coma responds with a vertical monkey underhook! COVER! One! Two! No! Coma back on the attack. Victory abdominal guillotine! That's gotta be it! ONE! TWO! THREE! Coma gets the victory in short work against Flare.

[Gilberti and Coma huddle up. Oh no! Coma and Gilberti are disco dancing! We quickly cut away from this horror show to backstage.]

BigBOSS

[BigBOSS was doing his usual thing during BOB shows. Visiting Crab Chips at http://www.b-movies.50megs.com. I don't know how you could tell that from the back of the monitor, but you just can.]

XFactor Pete Trable

Pete "X-Factor" Trable: Yo.

BigBOSS: Oy...

Trable: Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo. YO! Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo. The X-Factor is HERE!

BigB: Right. Can we move this thing along please?

Trable: Sure, dogg.

BigB: Uh, word?

Trable: You see the reason I'm here is real simple
I'm better for ratings than an exposed nipple
Next week is SMC's Go Home Edition
And I got more talent than that Massive Man First Rendition
You made him a champ, but dogg I can't even get a match
If I wasn't here, at least I could be scoring some snatch
What I'm saying is that Pete Trable equals ratings
And I just needed a way to rhyme into masturbating
Because jerking off is funny, but I really want a fight
Cuz my future here is nothing but bright
So I want to issue to the roster and open challenge
I don't even care if it's against that dude with the dirty syringe
So there's my open challenge request, BigBOSS
C'mon dude, you pushed that no-talent Justin Voss
Word life!
I'm AUDI — 5000!

[Trable leaves. And we head back to the ring. "Right Now" by Korn is playing.]

Steve StudnutsYGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Dustbuster BoySarah "The Jobber Slayer"

MV: The following is an "I'm A Sissy" Tag Team Match. Introducing first, now coming to the ring. First, the reigning You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Champion, the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt! And its partner, carrying it to the ring, from Phoenix, Arizona, Steve Studnuts!

NH: Is Studnuts in the Skull & Bones Society, Scotty?

SW: Of course! Steve Studnuts, Seth Harker and Trey Vincent are the iAd and they are all together. Name me another faction that has lasted more than three years? You can't! Studs is doing his own thing at the moment because he's got some big business to finish off. Namely, Mr. Paradox, Dr. Thrilla and douja.

Styles: It'll happen at Snore Games at Send Us Money: Grudge Match A-Go-Go! Studnuts will be joined by parody legend Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and boxing legend Muhammad Ali.

SW: I know Sarah's about to come out here to sports entertain, but I gotta tell you, I'd love to see her box.

NH: Scotty...

["Suck It Up" by hed(PE), with bits of Dustbuster vrooming overdubbed, plays next.]

MV: And their opponents. First, from North, South Carolina, a member of the Skull & Bones Society, Dustbuster Boy, Esquire!

[Dustbuster Boy walks down wearing a fedora and a red and black striped long-sleeve shirt with one long sleeve and the other without any arm whatsoever. He also has a big black glove on the arm with the sleeve. He is wearing black pants. Think...Freddy Boy. Or Dustbuster Krueger if you will.]

SW: Ricky shouldn't be in the ring this morning. He should still be in the best burn unit money can buy. Getting sponge baths from hot nurses.

NH: He looks fine in my medical opinion.

SW: What would you know?

NH: Umm...notice the nurse outfit.

SW: You're not a nurse. You just play one on television when you have your clothes on.

["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays.]

MV: And his partner, Sarah.

[Michelle throws the mic down and leaves the ring in disgust.]

SW: Think we'll see a cat fight, Styles?

Styles: It could happen. But I wouldn't count on it. Trey didn't book this one.

SW: Blast.

Styles: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

SW: Until Death beats her at the BOB-On-Demand show.

Styles: Sarah and Studnuts are ready to start this match off. I believe this is the first time these two have ever faced each other in the ring.

NH: Yeah, Trey was usually too busy trying to cop feels on her.

Styles: Sadly, that's true. And here we go. Lock up, and Studnuts powers Sarah easily back into the corner. Vicious chop! And look at Studnuts laughing as Sarah clutches her breast in pain.

SW: Heh, that's probably the closest she's gotten to any action lately.

Styles: Studnuts back in, but he gets kicked in the midsection. Discus punch! She tries again, but Studs grabs her. Oh, big spinebuster slam! Studs covers her with a foot, but this isn't a pin match. Studs picks up the microphone.

Studnuts: C'mon. I'm Steve Studnuts, bitch! You have no shot of winning this match. You think I'm stupid enough to tag in my partner? And you think I'd be stupid enough to assault one of the bookers? Not in your gat damn dreams.

Styles: Sarah kips up. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. She whips Studnuts into the ropes. SARAHCONRANA! And now Sarah's raining down punches on Studnuts. Oh no! Studnuts has her. Good lord, what power! He has Sarah. POWERBOMB!

SW: Yeah! Studs doesn't sell for any chick.

Styles: But Sarah kips up again!

NH: Sarah doesn't sell for any dick.

SW: Hey!

Styles: Sarah charges at Studnuts. SARAHCONRANA over the top rope and both of them fall to the floor. Sarah slides back in. She tags in Dustbuster Boy!

DBE: No!

StJS: Yes.

[Sarah shoves Dustbuster Boy off the apron onto Studnuts.]

SW: Oh no!

Studnuts: The fuck you doing?

SW: NO!

Styles: Damn! Studnuts is pounding away on Dustbuster Boy's face.

NH: Ohhhh! Studnuts just crotched Dusty on the Flimsy Guardrail, which, predictably, falls over.

Styles: Michelle just handed Studnuts a chair! Studnuts is back in. He's begging Sarah to get in. Sarah is looking around at the crowd.

NH: What a real man. He needs a chair to fight a woman.

SW: Yeah! He's great!

Michelle: STEVE! LOOKOUT!

Mr. ParadoxDr. Thrilladouja

[Steve spins around. Mr. Paradox's sword crashes down onto the chair.]

Styles: Oh my GOD! That was close to FATAL! Both men lose their weapons and here they go! Studnuts and Paradox swinging wildly away on each other. And here comes Dr. Thrilla to help out Paradox. And here comes douja! Sarah is just sitting on the turnbuckle, watching it all happen.

SW: C'mon, Sarah, help my brothers out!

NH: Help out the guy who wanted to take her head off with a chair?

SW: All's forgiven?

SMACK

Styles: Vicious chairshot by Dr. Thrilla!

SW: Dustbuster Boy is coming to help.

StJS: Yoink!

Styles: Sarah just grabbed Dustbuster Boy around the throat!

DBE: AHHH! Let go of me you bitch!

StJS: Bitch? That's not a nice word. You know what is? Broken kneecap.

DBE: That's two words!

StJS: And your future.

DBE: So you're a physic now?

StJS: I think you mean psychic. I'm gonna have to find you in contempt. Tell the world you're a sissy and this whole problem can all go away.

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

Styles: Here come Silaconne M. Plants! But the trio drops Studnuts and is waiting on the Doc. And he's a house of fire! He's blasting everybody with punches.

Death

SW: It's Death!

[Death grabs Dustbuster Boy's leg and yanks him away from Sarah.]

StJS: Hey! That was mine!

Death: Jobber Take! YESSSS!

StJS: Zuh?

NH: Studnuts with a double low blow on douja and Thrilla!

Styles: NIPPLE CUTTER on Paradox!

Christina Gaguilera

SW: Oh baby, look at those legs coming down the aisle. Who's are they?

Styles: Christina Gaguilera's.

SW: I'll get up to her face eventually, maybe...

NH: My, how your priorities just shifted.

Styles: COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! SHE GOT IT!

MV: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner, and NEW You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You out Of Your Frickin' Mind champion, Christina Gaguilera!

Styles: JERKWEED DROP ON THRILLA! But Plants is planted with Chronic Neck Pain!

NH: Look out!

StJS: Give me back my jobber!

Death: Over my dead body... And how's that for irony?

STJS: *Punch*

Death: Hey!

StJS: *Punch*

Death: Stop that, Sarah.

StJS: *Punch*

Death: I'm warning you!

DBE: My body hurts! Kill me. Please?

Death: No.

DBE: Awwww!

NH: Christina is leaving with the belt. Oh NO!

SW: Wow, her face just got sucked into a giant floating hand! Oh wait, that's Wig Show!

Wig Show

NH: Showscalper on the floor! Wig Show tosses the belt on top of her! Generic Ref runs down and makes the count. One! Two! Britney just broke up the cover!

Styles: Uh...Dustbuster Boy shot! Death just hit Sarah over the skull with Dustbuster Boy. I've...never seen that before. Oh crap, they're coming our way now!

NH: Britney is just running circles around Wig Show. And Wig Show is gasping for breath. BRITNEY SPEARS WIG SHOW!

BS: Owww!

SW: She's crying! BWAHAHAHA!

NH: That's not funny. She just hurt herself on his girth.

Rob Van SpamAlan Qaida

NH: And here come Rob Van Spam and Alan Qaida! They're beating down on Wig Show! They've got him down on hands and knees. What's Qaida doing...he charges and...somersault leg drop on Christina Gaguilera! COVER! One! Two! THREE! HEGOTHER! Whoops. Sorry, Styles.

MV: The winner, and NEW You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You out Of Your Frickin' Mind champion, Alan Qaida!

Styles: Meanwhile, in front of us, Sarah is about to be Netherworld Powerbombed through our table! Sarah drops down and crawls under his legs! Kick to the gut. Oh NO! LOOK OUT!

SW: NO!

CRASH

Styles: OH MY GOD! Sarah just Netherworld Powerbombed DEATH through our table!

NH: Up near the entryway, look at this mess! Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano, Super Gluey, Queen Mylisiv and Meat-Puppet are all in the middle of the fight for the hardcore title.

NH: Wig Show's back up. Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt! Headbutt!

SW: Damn. Wig Show really using his head.

WS: Who's the champion?

Generic Ref: Al—

WS: Was I talking to you, Ref?

Generic Ref: I thought so...

YGBKIADTAYOOYFMTB: ...

WS: QAIDA? AHHHHHHHH!

NH: Wig Show grabs Qaida. SHOWSCALPER! ONE! TWO! THREE! ITGOTHIM! Oh, sorry again, Styles. I swear, it was typed that way.

Styles: I know. BigBOSS just doesn't have a clue what any of our catchphrases are. OH MY GOD!

SW: Woohoo!

NH: I'm not pregnant!

Styles: Uhh....I'm totally confused...

NH: Me too. Can we have a break? I need to get a beer.

Styles: Yeah. I guess we don't have a winner in this match.

SW: Typical BigBOSS booking. Tons of chaos, no finishes.

NH: He did go to Dusty U.

Styles: Fans, we'll be right back. Oh my god.


Boo! Monday

Vote now in the BOB Forums in the BOB Loyal!


Urine

["Golden Showers" by the Mentors is playing as we return.]

SW: Is it ironic if I always want to take a bathroom break when Urine comes out?

NH: I'm not sure.

Styles: There is the man who says he is the ultimate jobber. He'll have to prove it in December at Grudge Match A-Go-Go against the curtain jerker. The show starter. The jobber. The snap marer. Snapmare Kid.

Urine: Well you know something The Commentator!

NH: Uh...Commentator isn't in the ring...

Urine: For the last few weeks, Urine and all the members of the Urination have been wondering why, confrere! He thinks that just because he has the snapmare, father, that he can overcome. He hasn't proved anything to Urine or the Urination, sister!

[The crowd cheers, sort of. Probably just to hear themselves.]

Urine: But he doesn't understand that the gold flows in us, kinsman! It flows in every man, woman and child on this planet, chum! And then it flows in every toilet, sewer and then it becomes part of nature, pal. Until everyone on God's yellow Earth is inhaling it, amigo. I am pee as you are pee as you are pee and we all pee together! We all live on a yellow submarine, homeslice! So, SMK, what are you gonna do. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO when Urine and the Uriination PEES all over YOU!

Snapmare Kid

["Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong hits. Urine's eyes go wide and he stares at the entryway. But by then, it's already too late, as The Snapmare Kid is behind him.]

Styles: SNAPMARE! And Urine is DOWN! SMK has laid out Urine!

SW: With a weak-ass snapmare? *Groan*

Styles: What a grudge match this is gonna be!


Boo! Monday

Vote now in the BOB Forums in the BOB Loyal!


Kay Fabe Rubba Ray Drudley

MV: It is now time for a Spank The Loser Match!

[The crowd cheers as "Queer" by Garbage plays.]

MV: Introducing first. From Cloudydale. Kay Fabe!

SW: I wonder who will be the cavemen and who will be the astronauts in their big tag team match at Grudge Match A-Go-Go.

NH: That's right. Kay Fabe and Seth Harker take on Little Good and Kurt Angel in a tag match. We'll find out next week who will be who as Seth Harker and Little Good look to settle some issues in a ladder match.

SW: *Cough*Stepladder*cough*

NH: Huh?

SW: It seems we couldn't afford a ladder. So we had to resort to a stepladder, since we have one. And yes, I know how pathetic it is. But...I mean...right, BigBOSS...Stepladder matches RULE! Oh, I wasn't supposed to mention you told me to say that? Or that? Or that? Or that? Or that? Or that? Hey, where'd he go?

["Highway To Hell" by AC/DC plays.]

MV: And her opponent. From the Red Hook Section of Drudleyville, Rubba Ray Drudley!

Kurt Angel

Styles: Kurt Angel is in the ring! HEAVENLY SLAM ON KAY!

SW: Hey! No fair! He came from behind. And nobody comes from behind on Kay, except Seth!

NH: More information than we needed, Scotty.

Styles: But he's still not done with her. He hooks her arms. ANGEL'S WINGS! What a spinning sitout pedigree that was! Rubba's in the ring! COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE!

SW: Damnit! I'm so confused. We got screwed but Kay gets spanked? Eh, I guess it all works out.

MV: The winner of the match, Rubba Ray Drudley!

SMACK

Seth Harker

SW: Oh man! Harker just walloped Rubba with that chair shot!

[Rubba Ray falls flat on his face.]

Seth: Nobody spanks my woman but me.

[The crowd boos.]

Seth: And the heels exit. A thousand times cooler than any of you.

["Rising Sun" by Bexta plays. The camera goes all Wachoski as Seth and Kay head toward the ropes. But suddenly, Little Good slides into the ring as Harker and Kay retreat a few steps. Little Good charges and hits a spin kick to Harker's chest, knocking him backward. Into a Heavenly Slam by Kurt Angel. Kay looks on in slow-motion horror. Little Good grabs Kay by the hair. The crowd cheers silently (because all you can hear is the song). Little Good grabs Harker from behind in a reverse bear hug of sorts, I guess, and takes a seat in the corner. Kurt grabs Kay and bends her over his knee. We have a super zoom in on Kay's butt. And then it's slow-motion spanking for the rest of the song. We eventually do a slow-motion fade out.]

SW: Damn that was hot!

Steve LearySir Zeno

[We cut backstage. Steve Leary and Sir Zeno are walking toward the entryway. They have on their regular gear, except for the addition of boxing gloves.]

SL: So, you know what would be BRILLIANT? Not killing me this morning!

SZ: Don't count on it. I'm quite curious to see how many of these boxing gloves I can cram down your pathetic throat.

SL: Oh, but Zeno! I've got too much Madden Football yet to play! I'm so close to winning my first Super Bowl!


It has been away for many weeks.

It was left for dead.

It ate a dookie.

But in just a couple weeks...

LET'S GET READY TO

*RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE*!

[Various pictures of Unit 5 flash up on the screen.]

Unit 5

Announcer: Unit 5 returns on the GO HOME EDITION of Sunday Morning Chloroform. One SMC from now! The last SMC before BOB-On-Demand presents Grudge Match A-Go-Go! So stay up late or get up early or forget to take your meds that make you go to sleep.


Steve LearySir Zeno D-Van DrudleySnapmare Kid

["Narayan" by Prodigy is playing as we return. All but one light in the arena are shut off.]

CONCUSSION FOR NOTHIN'

MV: The following is our main event and is the tornado tag team Concussion For Nothin' Match. Introducing first. From Athol, Massachusetts, Steve Leary. And his partner, from Dimension Z, the Swiss Army Belt champion, Sir Zeno!

Styles: And what a show in store for you viewers next week. We've got Kurt Angel versus Trey Vincent. The return of Unit 5. Little Good and Seth Harker in a stepladder match. All that and so much more, we may have to turn it into a two-parter!

SW: Man, it's so dark in here. Is that to hide the fact that a bunch of fans are leaving since this match is going to suck so bad?

NH: Ha! Leary just tripped in the aisle. He's such a dead man.

["Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong plays next. D-Van Drudley and SMK step out wearing their regular gear and boxing gloves.]

MV: And their opponents. From the south side of Drudleyville, D-Van Drudley. And his partner, from Snapfinger, Georgia, the Snapmare Kid!

NH: What are the rules to this bout again?

Styles: I believe Generic Ref will take care of that once everybody's in the ring. Looks like we're ready for that now, actually.

GR: Alright, gentlemen. Knock the crap out of your opponents. Whichever team is left standing, wins. LET'S GET IT ON!

NH: No points? No rounds? No standing eight counts?

Styles: Apparently not.

SW: Yeah, Generic Ref can barely count to three and we couldn't afford a timer graphic...or a timer for that matter. Man, I bet SMK's a big bleeder.

Styles: We're about to find out. And here we go. Oh my god! Zeno just blindsided his own tag team partner with one hell of a spinaround uppercut! Leary hits the canvas hard! And now Zeno charges at SMK! He sticks out his chin! OH MY GOD! SMK is DEAD! What a right hook by Zeno!

SW: There is a fine line between jobbing and dying. I think SMK is laying on that line right now. Along with most of his teeth.

NH: D-Van and Zeno now circling each other. D-Van has some fight in him.

SW: Why, Heidi, because he's so black, so he must know how to fight? My god, racially profile much? What, you're just trying to be outrageous now to get ratings? Is that it?

Styles: Stop it, Scotty. D-Van with a jab, but Zeno blocks. Zeno with a straight right, but D-Van blocks.

SW: Could you imagine a boxing efed? Yeesh.

NH: Efed?

SW: What?

[Cut to Boxers On a Budget announcers.]

Mitch3ll Coal: It's time for the first ever tornado tag team match! Our boxers are taking off their gloves and are gonna *ahem* sports entertain, using scripted acrobatic maneuvers the likes of which you've NEVER seen before in a boxing ring!

Jerry Lawyer: A wrestling match on a boxing show? How boring! I'll sue!

[Back to Brawlers On a Budget.]

Styles: Zeno sure connected with that one! And that one! RIGHT HOOK!

NH: There's a different kind of Drudley Death Drop of Doom.

SW: As in the sense that he's unconscious and may be brain dead after such a horrific right hook?

NH: Something like that.

MV: The winner of the match, Sir Zeno!

SMACK

NH: What the?

[The lights are back on.]

Misty Waters

Styles: It's Misty Waters! She just attacked Zeno under the cover of darkness!

SW: Did she have to go so far as to actually hide under the blanket?

NH: She's sneaky like a ninja.

SW: Well, if she wants to put that blanket to use with me, I'm sure I could tell her a few bedtime stories.

NH: Yeah. I'm sure she'll go right to sleep.

Styles: Regardless, Misty laid out Zeno with that steel chair. And now...here it comes! MISTY MOUTAIN STOMP!

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

Styles: She hit it! Fans we are out of time. For Nurse Heidi and—

SW: Why do you always get to close the show? Everybody comes for Scotty Whatbody.

NH: Not from what I hear.

Styles: Hiyo! This is Styles saying, good morning everybody! And don't miss the Go Home SMC next week and Grudge Match A-Go-Go on BOB-On-Demand!


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