A hand spins a 12-inch table model plastic globe as the TVM rating flashes on the upper left hand corner of the screen. There is a buzzing noise and then there is light. We see a hand pulling away from a plug. Above the plug are the hand-written words: PLUG MY HOLE, BIG BOY!
The Go Home Edition!
[Flickerstick's "Chloroform The One You Love" hits as we have quick one second clips of everybody on the roster. There's Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" and Sir Zeno and The AYOOYFM Title Belt and Atomo. There's Coma and Hallucination Boy. There's Death, Steve Studnuts, Kurt Angel, douja, Kay Fabe, Kamikazie Ken, The Domino, Luke Warm, Mr. Paradox and Seth Harker. There's Wig Show. There's The Drudley Boyz. There's Unit 5. There's Misty Waters and Insano Mano and The Bride. There's Dustbuster Boy, John Skeet and Steve Leary. There's Pigeon and Alan Qaida and Rob Van Spam. There's Little Good, Meat-Puppet, Queen Mylisiv, Super Gluey, Dr. Thrilla, Nic Flare, Urine, Igpay Atinolay Eathay, XXXtreme Machine, Snapmare Kid and Pete Trable. And there's Britney and Christina. And finally, there's Trey Vincent with Michelle and BigBOSS. The clips are from various shows I can't remember. So you know theatre of the mind? Do that.]
Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to The Go Home Edition of Brawlers On a Budget's Sunday Morning Chloroform! We are on tape in Bumbeldink, Texas, the home of Luke Warm! I'm Mikey Styles!
Scotty Whatbody: They didn't condemn this place yet? What's wrong with this country!
Nurse Heidi: Of course, that's everyone's least favorite sexist heel announcer, Scotty Whatbody.
SW: And she's is a fantasy to many, but a reality to many more, Nurse Heidi.
["You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)" by Dead or Alive hits. Huge pop!]
Styles: Farmer Reb Brown's old washing machine is BACK in BOB! And what a way to kick off the Go Home Edition! The last Chloroform before we head to BOB-On-Demand for Grudge Match A-Go-Go!
NH: I wonder if he's come back to get douja. Or if that's in Unit 5's plans for down the road.
SW: Probably, since douja's involved in that Snore Games feud. I heard douja wanted to rename him Unit Number Two, in honor of douja dropping a dookie in it!
NH: That was so disgusting. Even for BOB.
Styles: Did anybody else notice The Flunky isn't wheeling Unit 5 down on a forklift like usual?
SW: He isn't? Unit 5 is moving by itself? The hell?
[Unit 5 springs up into the air with the help of some water pipes and lands in the ring.]
SW: Holy crapping hell! They upgraded him?
Styles: And the crowd loves it.
[An arm extends from the right side of Unit 5 toward Michelle Vincent. She holds out the microphone, which is pulled in like a magnet. The arm retracts.]
Crowd: Unit 5! Unit 5! Unit 5! Unit 5!
Unit 5: *RUMBLE rumble RUMBLE*
Unit 5: *Slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh slosh*!
[Crowd cheers. "Taking Care of Business" by BTO hits.]
NH: BigBOSS? What's this all about?
SW: I don't speak washing machine. How should I know?
BigB: Hold on there a second, Unit 5. Did I hear you correctly backstage? Did I hear that you want the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS shot you earned last year during March Mayhem? The one you were supposed to get at Biggest Show Of The Century, but didn't, because everyone in creative was incredibly burnt out? Is that what you said?
Unit 5: *Rumble rumble rumble*
BigB: I see. Well. I do feel kind of bad about that. I did just make an ad for Grudge Match A-Go-Go featuring Sarah vs. Death. But...aw heck. I guess I'll leave that decision up to our CURRENT ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
[More cheers as "Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays.]
SW: Man. Why is it that every returning immobile main eventer gets a world title shot on their first night back?
NH: That's sports entertainment.
[Sarah is out and borrows the microphone from BigBOSS.]
StJS: Unit 5, I have nothing but respect for you. And it sounds like the fans of Bumbeldink want to see it this morning.
StJS: And sadly, since BOB is a parody federation, we have to give the fans what they want, since that other federation no longer does. So...go backstage and drink your Tide and get ready. Because this morning, it's going to be Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" and Unit 5 for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!
BigB: Fine. But Sarah, if you lose the title this morning, I'm taking the advertising money out of your paycheck.
StJS: Awww. *Pouts* But...but...!
Styles: That's not fair!
SW: Woohoo! I'm so glad Sarah is so dumb! Death could easily destroy Unit 5 at Grudge Match A-Go-Go! Or Sarah. It doesn't really matter at this point!
NH: Does Death have a grudge against Unit 5?
SW: He will if Unit 5 has Death's title.
[Cut to ringside, where former BOBsters including Ed Tenta-Shaw, Googoo Cachoob, Hooker T, Mr. Claven, MC Carjack and DJ Rawkus are sitting.]
NH: Say, look at all the jobbers sitting at ringside.
SW: They're just filling in all the seats we couldn't sell, I bet. They're not on the hard camera side.
Styles: Well fans, up next you are going to see an Iron Man match! Don't you dare go away!
Vote now in the BOB Forums in the BOB Loyal!
[Backstage, the following people had gathered outside of BigBOSS's CPU office. And I still don't know what CPU stands for...anyway. Meat-Puppet, Queen Mylisiv, Igpay Atinolay Eathay, Wig Show and Pete "X-Factor" Trable were all pretending to chat with each other. After a few seconds, BigBOSS emerged from his bunker.]
BigB: Hello underlings. Now, I know you're sad you won't get your BOB-On-Demand bonus, but instead, I have for you, these lovely T-shirts!
[BigBOSS holds up a T-shirt featuring Death, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Trey Vincent, Dustbuster Boy, Esq., John Skeet and Steve Leary and the Grudge Match A-Go-Go logo.]
BigB: It is, of course, sports entertainment tradition that if you are not booked for the BOB-On-Demand show, you might as well help advertise the show. So, please, mill about the building and show off these snazzy new T-shirts! And lets get more people to send us money! Meat-Puppet, stop trying to eat Igpay's brains. You'll be sadly disappointed, I'm afraid.
Trable. Yo. Yo. YO yo yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo. Yo.
BigB: Yes, Pe—
Trable: The Xfactor...is HERE!
BigBOSS, man, why do I still ain't gots a feud?
And Queen Mylisiv...did you just rip one...that's so rude
BigBOSS, I ain't here to sell your stupid show
And speaking of shows, this one in the wig blows
Andway Igpay, Iway ouldshay ickkay ouryay assway
I'llway owthray ownday ightray ownay, Iway on'tday ivegay away itshay
Yo, Meat-Puppet, zombie boy, why don't you hit the bricks
You like eating brains, huh? I heard you like eating—
BigB: Hoooooold on there, buddy. I will not allow this sort of smut on my show. Besides, we're out of time for this segment.
[Back to the ring we go.]
MV: The following is a five-minute and fifty-eight second Iron Man Match.
NH: Ah, the natural follow up to last week's Disco Inferno match.
Styles: Black Sabbath's classic tune will be playing during the match. Time is up when the song is over. Whoever has the most pinfalls during the song wins. Unlike last week's match, it won't be whoever gets the pin first.
SW: Whoop-de-doo. I'm so excited. Anybody have a spare barf bag?
Voiceover: One, two, three, four!
[The ever famous Ramones medley begins playing.]
MV: Introducing first. From Parts Forgotten. He is one half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions. This is Coma!
SW: Great. Two guys not good enough to fight alone are going to fight alone? Great booking as usual.
NH: You do remember you're on the booking committee, right?
SW: Shut up.
Styles: Coma is a former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Scotty.
SW: Yeah, well, his title tells me he's not good enough to fight alone.
["Highway To Hell" by AC/DC plays.]
MV: And his opponent. From Drudleyville. Rubba Ray Drudley!
Styles: Rubba not wasting any time. And there is the opening drum beat and evil riff. This match is underway!
Ozzy: I AM IRON MAN!
Styles: Coma hits a shooting mandible stomp! OH my! And Rubba Ray is in deep trouble early! Coma with a flying breaker! And Rubba is down and...hurt.
SW: This music is so distracting.
NH: Maybe you should quit headbanging and making the devil sign. Show a little professionalism?
Styles: Crossed cobra underhook! COVER! One! Two! NO! What offense by Coma.
SW: You forgot the word "retarded" before offense there, Styles.
NH: It's not retarded. It's special.
Styles: Crab foot is hooked on Rubba Ray! Will he tap out?
SW: C'mon! A rest hold in a six minute long match? Sad. Very sad.
NH: They've got to pace themselves. Most BOB matches only last for about a minute.
Styles: Now Coma unleashing Canadian feet!
SW: Those uneducated feet, eh?
Styles: Cover! One! Two! NO! Coma keeps up his assault. There it is! The half-chicken entanglement!
SW: Will you STOP?
Styles: But Rubba Ray picks up Coma and falls back. Oh my! That should get things going for Rubba here. Punch! Punch! Punch! He winds up and knocks down Coma with a hard elbow shot to the top of the head! He pulls up Coma. Whip to the ropes, but Coma reverses. Cloverleaf axe strike! Cover! One! Two! No.
SW: Sounds like we're past halfway through the match. Iron man has his revenge.
NH: Low blow by Rubba.
Coma: (High-pitched) NARF!
SW: Bwahahaha! He sounded like one of those little dogs after you step on their tails.
Styles: Ruh...Ruh...RUBBA BOMB! Cover! One! Two! NO! Coma gets out of it. Rubba tries to cover him again! One! Two! Coma escapes again.
SW: Right. Because if it failed the first time, I'm sure kicking out of the pin exhausted him. Dumbass.
Styles: Rubba climbs up onto the middle rope. Senton splash connects! That may have crushed Coma. Rubba picks up Coma. It looks like he may be trying for the Rubba Cutter! NO! Coma reverses into a three-quarter backflip gutbuster!
NH: Rubba charges, but Coma steps aside and Rubba falls through the ropes. Coma charges. What was that?
Styles: A heart tackle!
SW: Ugh...these names just get dumber and dumberer.
Styles: Both men are hurting after that one though. Generic Ref is starting the count.
Styles: Both men getting up. RUBBA CUTTER ON THE FLOOR! OH MY GOD!
MV: Both men have been counted out. And...uh...both men get a point? The score is tied 1-1!
Styles: But time is running out. Both men struggling to get to their feet. And now they're just punching each other on the floor. Coma's head is rammed into the apron. Abdominal claw by Coma! ]
MV: *Sigh* Both men have been counted out again. The score is now 2-2. And the song is thankfully almost over.
Styles: Another RUBBA CUTTER! Both men are exhausted.
["Iron Man" comes to its thrilling end. Da-na-nuh!]
MV: Ladies and gentlemen, the Iron Man match is a TIE!
Crowd: HORSEPOO! HORSEPOO! HORSEPOO!
MV: Because we don't have a collective bargaining agreement, there will be no shootout to settle this. So BigBOSS has asked me to ask all of you to tune in to Grudge Match A-Go-Go when the Drudley Boyz will face the Exploding Holy Grail for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles! Guaranteed to be a winner! But no refunds if there isn't.
SW: What a shitty end to that match. Not that I should have expected anything less, I guess.
NH: It was interesting. I'll give it that much.
Styles: I don't think the recappers will like the outcome.
SW: I don't think the FANS like the outcome. The boos should be a hint.
NH: Yeah, but what can you do?
SW: Not a flash bulb at my eyes! I'm blind!
[Various shots of the Ultimate Worrier are shown.]
Announcer: He was a sub-superstar that captured the fear-filled and broken spirit of an entire generation.
BigBOSS: All the viewers with mental illnesses really identified with him.
Kamikazie Ken: He was like an encyclopedia of illnesses that came to life.
Announcer: Most people didn't know his name, or even knew he existed. His anonymousity was only matched by his controversial personality. The Ultimate Worrier ascended to midcard status, only to self-destruct. And now we can bury him — and make money to boot — because he doesn't work for us anymore!
Mike Monroe: Did he even work for BOB?
Dennis: He was a bloody twit! No, not the Ultimate Worrier, BigBOSS!
XXXtreme Machine: tat btch suked a suklod ov suk!
BigBOSS: It was a great day when I didn't have to invite him back since I never signed him to a contract anyway. It was money well spent on my wife.
Announcer: From his meteoric rise to the collapse of his career, this DVD tells the false story of the Ultimate Worrier. The man who self-destructed under the pressure of anonymity, never to be seen, or thought of, again! The Self-Destruction Of The Ultimate Worrier! Available NOW in the Crap Zone! Coming soon: The Life And Death Of Dennis The Interviewer!
Dennis: What? I'm not dead?
[Knocking on the door.]
Dec. 4, 2005 in Montreal! Live on BOB-On-Demand!
[It's grainy-footage time. The Bride, her face covered in oil and sand, is holding the camera close to her face.]
Bride: Hey, Atomo. Guess you weren't expecting to see me ever again, were you? You've made this personal. Sure, there is the whole burying me in the desert and leaving me for dead thing. But you know what I'm really pissed about? I need a smoke. And I'm covered in oil. And if I light up, I'll probably go up in flames. That makes me an angry girl. And Atomo, you're not gonna like me when I'm angry.
Bride: *Long inhale* So...I guess we need to settle this with some sort of gimmick match. Your title is already on the line. So...how about we make our Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title match...a Premature Burial Match? Since, apparently, Buried Alive is copywrited or some shit. Whaddya say, my robot enemy?
Bride: Bury me once. Shame on you. Bury me twice. Shame on me. But I won't...be buried...AGAIN!
[Static. We return to the ring.]
Styles: That was odd.
SW: That Was Odd is one of this federation's mottos. Along with, BOB Sucks.
Voice-Over: If ya SMELLLLLL....what the Rock....is cookin'...it smells like CRAP compared to what The Domino's stirrin'!
["The Domino Rally" theme plays, and here comes the Fake People's Champion, The Most Shocking Man In Parody Sports Entertainment Today, The Domino. The crowd boos Domino loudly.]
Styles: Domino invading Luke Warm's hometown.
NH: Will Luke Warm show up here this morning?
SW: Yeah. We saw him at the meeting before the show. Remember?
Domino: The Domino cannot WAIT, to FINALLY, LEAVE, Bumbeldink, Texas!
Domino: Go Home Edition. Sunday Morning Chloroform. Comedy Central. Luke Warm. Why don't you bring your chunky monkey ass down to the fake people's ring so The Domino can pay tribute to the hometown heroes greatest moments. Come, celebrate with The Domino, the fact that are no longer eaten by a flaming crocodile.
[Sounds of stuff breaking. HUGE POP!]
Styles: Hey, Commentator. What's up?
TC: *Ahem* LUKE WARM! LUKE WARM! LUKE WARM IS HERE!
SW: That's it?
NH: Thanks for stopping by, TC.
[Luke Warm walks past The Domino four times so he can go to all four corners and give the thumbs up to all sides of the Auditorium. After he's done, Luke Warm gets right in The Domino's face. Both guys are super mega-deadly serious as they stare at each other.]
Luke Warm: So you want to have some fun?
Luke Warm: You?
Luke Warm: What?
Luke Warm: When?
The Domino: Do I look like the Fire Chief? Why don't you shut your mouth and squint really hard so you can see the tribute I've made for you.
Luke Warm: Tribute?
Luke Warm: To embarrass me?
Luke Warm: Now?
Luke Warm: ME!
The Domino: Will you rednecks CLOSE YOUR LIPS, hold your breath and DROP DEAD?
Luke Warm: I don't think I'm gonna find this funny.
Luke Warm: Because The Domino put it together.
Luke Warm: Earlier today!
Luke Warm: I don't know!
The Domino: SHUT UP!!!!! Roll the footage. Luke Warm...This Is Your Legacy?
[The TinyTron lights up.]
Announcer Lad: This contest is scheduled for one fall - I hope. First, from Portland Oregon, he is one half of the STWF/MBC/RDWA "3-4-1" tag team champions...here is MITTENS!
("Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" plays. Mittens enters and starts slapping kids upside the head for no good reason other than he's a heel. Boos.)
AL: His opponent, from Bumbledink, Texas, representing Faces, Incorporated...LUKE WARM!
(The sounds of stuff breaking fill the arena...and a huge crowd pop, even from these zoned teens.)
Captain Twilight: Wait! Behind you, Luke! It's Neige Thirteen! And he's got a snowboard!
Angus "Vince" McMadden: Neige Thirteen and Luke brawling in the aisle. Mittens is coming down, and it's going three ways! Mittens and Luke Warm and Neige...
CT: Oh my!
(receives glare from Vince)
CT: Someone had to say it.
AM: Someone else is coming down the aisle. It's the other tag team champion, Billy Polar! He'll serve as the peacemaker here. He's looking back and forth between Luke Warm and Neige Thirteen...
CT: He's not sure which one to attack!
AM: In a fit of confusion, the Lite Death picks up Neige and carries him away, leaving Luke and Mittens in the aisle.
CT: Leave it to the luchadores to restore order. Those guys never change.
AM: That is wrong in so many ways, Cap, but I'll chalk it up to senility. Luke Warm and Mittens eventually making their way over to the apron...
AL: Ladies and gentlemen, the referee has ruled this match a DOUBLE COUNT-OUT!
Mittens: Double count-out? Mittens didn't hear no bell!
Luke Warm: Neither did I! And Mama Warm's boy didn't raise no fools.
Creepy Timekeeper: Eeeeh. Dog whistle.
AM: DOG WHISTLE?!
CT: Well, there were different bells. Why not use a whistle to start the match?
AM: The least they could have done was give something audible.
Luke Warm: Wait! I didn't give a STONECUTTER to anyone yet!
Mittens: Don't look at Mittens.
Luke Warm: NEIGE! COME BACK! I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING! (runs to the back)
CT: Luke Warm is never satisfied until he applies his finisher to something...whether it's televised or not.
[End clip. The crowd boos. Warm takes some steps toward The Domino.]
Domino: Hold on there. This morning, The Domino has a surprise for you! May I present to you, The Creepy Timekeeper!
[Down the aisle walks The Creepy Timekeeper. The crowd boos him.]
Luke Warm: Get in here, you Creepy little Timekeeper. You liked screwing me?
Luke Warm: Back in the STWF?
Luke Warm: The Stereo Type Wrestling Federation?
Luke Warm: By sounding the dog whistle?
Luke Warm: Well...when you hear stuff breaking, there's a STONECUTTER in the making!
SW: (Bored) By gawd. Hellfire. Brimstone.
NH: And now he's drinking a celebratory Luke-hoo!
Luke Warm: Is that all ya got?
The Domino: No, that is not all The Domino has! This segment is going to be the LONGEST and most POINTLESS segment in the HISTORY of parody sports entertainment, if ya smell what I'm stirrin'!
The Domino: The Domino thought you might not enjoy that clip. But squint those beady-little eyes of yours and train your eyes on the TinyTron!
[The TinyTron lights up again.]
Announcer Lad: *Ahem*.. This is our Main Event of the evening. Introducing first, from Naples, Italy.. the current North American Champion.. representing the Head Trauma Club.. DR SILLACONNE M. PLANTS!!
(The Doc enters with Nurse Heidi. Good pop for her, zippo for Plants.)
AL: And his opponent, and Challenger...
(The sound of breaking stuff plays. The crowd explodes in the mother of all pops. Pretty good for 120 people..)
Captain Twilight: Luke Warm leaps from the crowd.. He's in the ring, hammering on Plants.. whips him to the corner. A series of kicks drives the champ down to the canvas. The fans are going nuts!
Angus Vince McMadden: Bodyslam by Luke. He leaps onto the turnbuckle and gives the "double-thumbs-up" Plants rises to his feet and receives a reverse DDT! Luke in total control.
(Sudden crowd shot)
AM: Well that's one way to distract a man...
CT: I can't believe she'd do that.
Jamal Tupac Mustafa: Humina humina humina...
AM: As Heidi readjusts herself, Plants takes control! Back drop.. sidewalk slam.. He turns to the people and gives them the "Medical Eyebrow", whatever that is...
CT: A series of chops on the Texan now.. Fires him to the opposite buckle.. Luke hits chest first! What velocity!!
AM: Plants delivers a knee to the kidneys as Luke hangs there.. Side Italian Legsweep! Covers.. kickout by Luke.. bodyslam..
CT: Plants to the second turnbuckle.. nails Luke a with vicious forearm. Plants getting booed by the crowd now.. he's getting distracted.. He slides out of the ring and is involved in a heated debate with several ringside plants.. uhh.. fans.
AM: Luke to his feet now. He scales the ropes and drops a big axehandle to Plants' back! Plants is floored. Luke slams Plants into the steps hands first.. sorry, head first.. well okay, hands first. Jamal, are you still with us?
JTM: Huh? What?
CT: Ignore him Vince, his monitors switched to "The Sports Illuminated's Tiny Little Bikini Issue Special"
AM: Damn, is that on? No wonder our ratings are so low!
CT: Luke Warm drags Plants back into the ring and side suplexes him.. cover.. kickout at 2.. Luke making "Belt-round-my-waist" motions to the crowd now..
AM: Wait a minute.. here comes Claude Leroux!! He's weaving his way back to the ring!! What's he doing here?
CT: Remember TSO #1?? Luke prevented Leroux from winning the Title?! Is Claude here to repay the favour?
AM: Could be.. OHH!!! STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!!STONECUTTER!! Luke covers!!1..2.. Claude's in the ring! WHAM!! He nails Luke with a six-pack of Buds!!
CT: Talk about an aggressive drunk!
AM: Ref's calling for the bell.. Luke'll win by DQ but he won't get the title.. wait a minute.. Leroux is slapping on a sleeper.. Luke's struggling.. he's going down! I can't believe it!
JTM: And here come the rest o' the Head Trauma Club!
AM: Everyone getting their shots in on Luke.. Luke is OUT!! And Claude's reaching for his clippers!!
CT: He's going to shave a bald man? I don't get it..
AM: He's not going for his head.. Claude's trying to focus enough to shave off Luke's Goatee!! I can't believe this.. This is despicable!!
[End clip. Loud boos.]
SW: Whoa baby! Heidi, you used to be so much hotter when you were young!
NH: Shut up asshole!
Luke Warm: You got Plants?
The Domino: No. The Domino has something even better. Please welcome, Claude Leroux!
["O Canada" played on an accordion hits.]
SW: Lame. Everyone would rather see Dr. Silaconne M. Plants come out here and Nipple Cut Luke Warm!
NH: Maybe somewhere on a future BOB-On-Demand event, we can let them go at it.
SW: Maybe if your nice to him, he'll give you a breast lift and allow you the honor of being in his corner.
Luke Warm: Claude Leroux?
Luke Warm: Exactly!
NH: More celebratory Luke-hoos. More thumbs up.
The Domino: You didn't appreciate that? The Domino served you up two grade-z jabroneys for you to STONECUTTER. You see, Warm, The Domino needs you to look halfway decent before The Domino totally embarrasses you at Grudge Match A-Go-Go.
Luke Warm: Does Bumbeldink want Luke Warm to LAYETH THE LUKETH DOWN on The Domino?
Crowd: HECK YEAH!
The Domino: Hold on, hold on. The Domino has ONE MORE clip for you to look at and ONE MORE jabroney for you to STONECUTTER before we can brawl.
The Domino: Because The Domino has a big ego! Roll the clip, monkeys!
[The TinyTron lights up once again.]
Announcer Lad: The following main event is scheduled for one fall. Already in the ring, from Bumbledink, Texas, weighing 255 pounds, here is the challenger, LUKE WARM!
(Another huge pop for the Texan megaface. Warm responds by climbing each turnbuckle and flashing the double thumbs-up.)
Announcer Lad: His opponent, from Seattle, Washington and weighing 330 pounds, the STWF North American Champion for God knows how long, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
("Closer," by NIN plays. Trent Reznor is the Anti-Christ! I have proof! Strong reaction from the crowd)
Captain Twilight: The Violent Pacifist? What's HE doing here? He doesn't even WORK for this company!
Angus Vince McMadden: Cap, the Violent Pacifist is the North American Champ. Of COURSE he works for this company!
CT: Oh, I know that. But we're required by federal law to say that at least once per broadcast, and this is our last match, so the pressure was on.
AM: Federal law? Oh, yeah. The Tenay-Hudson Bill of 1999. I remember it well. Here we go. Luke Warm and VP circling each other. Boot to the midsection by the Pacifist. Fireman carry takedown. Picks Warm up. One handed scoop slam! How about that power, Cap?
CT: *singing* I've got the powah!
AM: Uh, ok. Whip to the ropes by VP . . . bulldogs Luke down!
Jamal Tupac Mustafa: VP dominatin', yo!
AM: That he is, Jamal. Looks like he's going for a powerbomb here . . . NO! Luke reverses it into a back body drop! Running elbowdrop by Luke! Going for another one . . . OH! Sneak low blow by the Pacifist! Pacifist back in control now, whip to the ropes . . . STONECUTTER OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!!!!!! Pacifist is down! Luke Warm is, too, though.
JTM: That low blow stagga'd his a<-BLEEP->!
CT: Wait, who's that?
AM: Lenny "F'n" Dykstra has jumped out of the crowd, and has grabbed Mr.Bat. He's getting into the ring! The ref trying to stop him, but without success! He's beating VP silly with Mr.Bat! And the referee is calling for the bell!
AL: Your winner, by disqualification, and STILL the STWF North American Champion . . . THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
Luke Warm is LIVID! And there's a STONECUTTER for Dykstra!
[End clip. More boos.]
The Domino: Bumbeldinks, here is Lenny F'n Dykstra!
["We Will Rock You" by Queen hits. Out steps Dykstra in a backwards Mets cap, Mets jersey and jeans. He spins around to reveal the name Dykstra on the back of the shirt.]
SW: You gotta love The Domino making LilBOSS look through all the old STWF footage to find all these suck moments in Luke Warm's career.
Styles: Luke Warm is a legend.
SW: Oh, come on. What has he ever done IN BOB? That's right...nothing.
[Luke Warm turns around and looks at Scotty.]
SW: HE SAID IT!
Styles: I did NOT!
[Double thumbs up.]
SW: *Mumbling* Same to you, pal.
Luke Warm: You think you're funny?
Luke Warm: Lenny F'n Dykstra.
Luke Warm: Because ya cost me a title?
Luke Warm: A few years ago?
Luke Warm: In the STWF?
Luke Warm: By causing a DQ?
Lenny F'n Dykstra: Can you just STONECUTTER me already?
SW: Friggin' marks.
Luke Warm: And oh yeah...here's to ya!
[Double thumbs up to The Domino.]
Styles: STONECUTTER on THE DOMINO! OH MY GOD!
SW: Is this segment over yet? I need to take a leak.
Vote now in the BOB Forums in the BOB Loyal!
MV: The following contest is a Costume In The Briefcase Stepladder Match to determine who will be the cavemen and who will be the astronauts in their tag team match at Grudge Match A-Go-Go. The object is to grab one of the two briefcases that have been hung by those nooses above the ring. Whoever grabs a briefcase and opens it will have to dress in the outfit he retrieves.
["Rising Sun" by Bexta hits.]
MV: Introducing first. Being accompanied by Kay Fabe. From Parts Unknown, this is Seth Harker!
SW: Wow, those are briefcase are so high above the ring. What would you guess, guys. Eight? Nine feet or so?
Styles: Could you lay on the sarcasm a little thicker?
SW: Probably. I don't think I've been on my A-game this morning. But this fed is NEVER on its A-game, so no worries on my part.
NH: And sadly, due to time constraints, we don't get the Wachoski entrance for Kay and Seth.
SW: Did I ever tell you I have a thing for redheads?
SW: Oh. Man, I have nothing left to give this business, do I?
NH: We could milk an untimely death for, oh, at least an hour of one of these shows. Hey look! There's a lightbulb out up in the rafters.
SW: Kay must be so flexible. I'd love to enter her matrix. Woohoo!
["Too Drunk To Fuck" by Dead Kennedys hits next.]
MV: And his opponent. From Bloody Olde Cloudydale. Little Good.
NH: I was shocked. Well...a little surprised when Little Good revealed that he had sex with Kay Fabe.
SW: That's a vicious lie. Kay has no recollection of that.
Styles: I was at the party. And I must admit I don't remember that.
NH: Maybe he drugged you too.
Styles: OH MY GOD!
SW: Look. All I know is that I want to see Kay Fabe dress up as a cavegirl. And I'm sure Heidi wouldn't mind seeing that either.
NH: Can't say that I would. Although Kurt Angel in animal skin, oh baby!
Styles: Kay charges at Little Good! But Little Good sees her coming. Spinning heart punch!
NH: Wow. I don't think I've ever seen this. Little Good's hand is stuck in her cleavage!
SW: Oh baby!
Styles: Meanwhile, Seth Harker is climbing the four-foot stepladder! He's almost up top!
SW: If I was Little Good, I'd just let him climb.
LG: Just like old times, huh, love?
Styles: And Kay yanks his hand out of her cleavage. Little Good charges at the ladder. He jerks Seth off—
Styles: ...the ladder. Harker crashes chin first onto the top of the stepladder. Headbutt!
NH: And as usual, both men collapse in a heap.
LG: Bloody hell. Must stop using that move.
Styles: Little Good's, pulling out a cigarette? There's no smoking during a match!
NH: He's a rebel. A rebel who'll soon have lung cancer, but a rebel nonetheless.
SW: I thought jobbers couldn't get cancer.
NH: You're thinking of vampires.
Styles: Little Good lifts up Harker. Atomic drop on the ladder! Oh my!
SW: All with a cigarette in his mouth.
Styles: And now Little Good is starting the climb. But Harker is stirring. He crawls around. ONE INCH PUNCH to Little Good's, uh, posterior?
LG: Did you just punch me bum? Bloody tosser. Whoa!
Styles: Parts Unknown leg sweep off the ladder! What innovative use of the stepladder! Harker folds up the stepladder and puts it near the corner. He's looking to inflict some more pain on Little Good here.
[Little Good takes a puff of his cigarette while flat on his back.]
NH: He just blew smoke in Seth's eyes!
SW: No fair!
Styles: Little Good puts Harker's head in the ladder and....he's headscissoring the ladder! Now THAT's extreme!
SW: Extremely retarded. C'mon, Seth! Steal his cigarette and burn his leather jacket! That'll show 'im!
Styles: Good drops the headscissors. Now what. Harker picks up the ladder and throws it at Little Good, who easily catches it.
SW: Catch that, motherfucker!
Styles: Leaping side kick by Harker into the ladder into Little Good's face!
NH: Uh, where'd the cigarette go? Can we get a replay?
[A replay is shown of the sidekick.]
Styles: OH MY GOD! He SWALLOWED the cigarette!
[Back to live action.]
LG: *COUGHCOUGHCOUGHHACK* Bloody 'ell. Anybody got a mentho-lyptus?
Styles: The ladder's in position. Harker pulls up Little Good and puts him in the top turnbuckle. Oh NO! TORNADO DDT ON THE STEPLADDER!
Crowd: B-O-O-B! B-O-O-B! B-O-O-B! B-O-O-B!
NH: Our crowd is almost getting it right, I guess.
SW: They're just chanting for Kay. They're fine.
Styles: Seth drags Little Good on top of the ladder. And now he's heading up top. What in the world is Harker going to do next? SHOOTING SETH PRESS MISSES!
NH: Little Good rolled out of the way just in time. And now what's Little Good going to do?
SW: Probably botch another spot. It's what he does best.
Styles: He's putting the stepladder on the top turnbuckle. What the...he grabs Harker. OH MY GOD! That was the most EXTREME hip toss I've ever SEEN!
Crowd: B-S-C-DUB! B-S-C-DUB! B-S-C-DUB! B-S-C-DUB!
SW: Are these idiot fans trying to get us sued again?
NH: Don't worry. WWE didn't buy their video library.
SW: Good. It'd be the biggest waste of money. A bigger waste than employing Chris Masters.
Styles: Little Good is setting up the ladder. KAY'S BOTTOM OFF THE LADDER! Where did SHE come from?
SW: The floor. Remember? She came to the ring with Seth.
NH: This is gonna give Harker the chance to recover.
Styles: That bitch shouldn't be getting involved in this match.
SW: Styles! I'm shocked at the mouth on you. Show some restraint.
Styles: Harker's back on the apron. Springboard guillotine leg drop connects! Now Harker's getting the stepladder. He's positioning Little Good flat on the ladder. Springboard moonsault connects!
NH: This match is all Harker. He's got such energy and recuperative skills. No wonder why Kay switched sides to be with him.
SW: Yeah. Plus, life as a heel is much more fun than life as a face.
NH: I was referring to the whole lesbian thing.
SW: Ohhh. I can't back that. Lesbians are way cooler than bisexuals.
NH: She calls herself a Harkersexual.
SW: Oh, please. I'm sure Seth, if he's like his iAd boys, is totally into lesbian orgies. Why else would Studnuts and Vincent continue to put up with him?
Styles: Harker is heading up top. But Little Good is up! He throws the ladder at Harker! But Harker catches it! OH NO!
Styles: Harker with a laddershot to Little Good's head! Oh my GOD!
SW: Damn, Little Good, could you do a more obvious blade job?
SW: Great camerawork, too, guys. Motherfucking cocksucking amateurs!
Styles: Scotty! I'm shocked at the mouth on you. Show some restraint.
SW: Fuck you, Styles!
Styles: Little Good is wearing the crimson bandana! And here goes Harker to climb up the ladder. He's heading up toward the nooses.
SW: I hope he hangs Little Good afterwards for good measure. Put him out of his bloody misery.
NH: Little Good's got wood!
Styles: He's got an ax handle!
Styles: Oh my GOD! He just broke that ax handle across Harker's lower back! And Harker flips off the stepladder hard.
SW: Where did he get that? Did he smuggle that in his trenchcoat?
NH: And now Little Good is making the climb! This could be it. He's on the top step! He's trying to get one of the briefcases! He's just having trouble with that slipknot.
Styles: Harker is up. He runs out to the apron. Springboard SPEAR!
SW: Gore. Gore. Gore.
Styles: Kay's in the ring. She takes a seat...on Little Good's face?
SW: I never thought I'd EVER say this, but I wish I was Little Good! Oh baby! He's got the best seat in the house...ON HIS FACE! WOOHOOOO!
Styles: And here goes Harker! Little Good is, rather incapacitated at the moment. And Harker is up top. He grabs one of the briefcases. And...he's opening it! What will Harker and Kay Fabe have to dress up as at Grudge Match A-Go-Go?
MV: The winner of the match, and future CAVEMAN at Grudge Match A-Go-Go...SETH HARKER!
SH: This was all just a ruse to get Kay to dress like a cavewoman, wasn't it?
SW: Yabba dabba do! Woohoo!
[Backstage, The Commentator is dressed in a T-shirt and one of those ugly orange Home Depot aprons. Why? Because he's stupid, probably...]
TC: For the record, I was told this is the Go To Home Depot episode. Bite me. Anyway. I'm joined now by The Natural Dude Nic Flare.
NF: THEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Wooooobygawd, Commentator! The NATURAL Dude is here, punk. We'll talk about Home Depot later, fat boy. Wooooo! But right now, everybody's been talking about it. This morning, it's all about the Machine! Wooooo! That's right! Wooooooo! That's right. When I came to BOB, Triple X Treem took me under his wing and returned me to jobbing glory, fat boy. I have SUNK, TO, THE, BOTTOM, where I belong, punk! *Gyrates* Wooooooo!
TC: Um...you know that you have to face the returning Dr. Silaconne M. Plants this morning, right?
TC: By gawd! He's got a scalpel!
Styles: What the? It's Plants! Plants just attacked Nic Flare!
SW: Of course he did. You have Plants returning, and FLARE gets the interview? That makes NO sense on any planet! The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer In Wrestling Today is punking out Flare!
NH: The Sinister Surgeon has struck!
SW: It's not like Flare and Triple X Treem have a shot anyway. This is going to be FAR more interesting, I'd bet.
SMP: Hold that mic for me, idiot. Well, well, WELL, well, well….. What have we HERE? Nic Flare is getting an interview while I'm stuck in a match with two of the biggest losers to ever step foot into a ring?
[Plants pulls up Flare, whose face is covered in blood from the scalpel attack.]
SMP: Flare is ratings disaster while I am standing-room-only draw power! He is the Hamburger Helper to my Filet Mignon…When I heard I was stuck facing this idiot, I dreamt of all the ways I was gonna beat the Geritol out of your dumb ass until it bleeds from your pores. But this is only the beginning. In a few minutes, I'm gonna get nasty.
SMP: Flare can take his Wooos, fat boys and CyberSpace Mountains and shove 'em all right up his dookie poot, crusty ass, pal. This is BOB! This is MY world. And this is MY BACKYARD!
SMP: DOUJA! DR. THRILLA! Snore Games! It’s going to be the BIGGEST thing this fed has ever seen! Thrilla, in all honesty… you don’t even BELONG in a match of this magnitude. You never earned your stripes, pal. You haven’t BEEN in the battles, you haven’t BEEN in the wars. I’m a TWO-TIME STWF INTERGALACTIC CHAMPION… YOU….. YOU…..
SMP: YOU…YOU…. FUCKING SNOT NOSED LITTLE GODDAMNED PUNK!
I was winning titles in THREE promotions SIMULTANEOUSLY while you were still beating off with your momma’s panties wrapped around your hand! Do you think hitting people with a SIGN makes you a man? Have you been in the ring with THE TIGER? BOHEMOTH? LUKE WARM? BOBO? HOMICIDAL HANK? The list goes on and on! What have you done? You’ve done jack shit nothing, that’s what!
SMP: I bet you’re not even a doctor! Dr. Snare claimed to be a doctor and so I had to kick his ass. Where’s HE now? You’re not a doctor, you son-of-bitch! But I AM! And douja, after this match, for old times sake, I’m going to put a jockey’s uniform on you and make you stand on my lawn holding a lantern! Then… I’m going to attach a couple of wheels to your head, Thrilla, hold you up by your feet, and use your * rhythmic metal clanging * to mow my fucking grass! Get it? You GOT it? GOOD!
[SMP pounds away on Flare and then drags him up onto a conveniently placed unmanned BOB Dot Com table.]
TC: NIPPLE CUTTER! NIPPLE CUTTER! BY GAWD WHAT A NIPPLE CUTTER THROUGH THE TABLE! BY GAWD AS MY WITNESS, BOB DOT COM IS BROKEN IN HALF! And Nic Flare also seems to be a bit hurt and bloody as well.
Dec. 4, 2005 in Montreal! Live on BOB-On-Demand!
[Backstage, douja and Mr. Paradox were in a room.]
Mr. Paradox: Shouldn't we go get Studnuts? It seems like Plants is quite busy beating the living hell out of Nic Flare.
douja: Yo, dogg, I gots a betta idea.
[douja hands Paradox a joint.]
[Cut to the ring.]
Styles: ONE! TWO! THREE! HEGOTHIM!
MV: The winners of the match, Steve Studnuts and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
NH: The hell?
Styles: Well, that SMP backstage segment ran long.
SW: It was just a win over XXXtreme Machine. As if there was any doubt. Studnuts is Skull & Bones.
NH: Well, our big tag team match was just like a night with Scotty Whatbody. Tons of hype. But very anti-climactic.
SW: Who told you that?
Styles: We'll be right back.
SMC is brought to you by..
The No. 1 beer among children ages 1-3!
[We're back, and we've got JOBBERS! Many of BOB's top past jobbers have filled up the ring. We've got Super Mollusc, Bivalve, Bruce The Evil New Zealander, Unoriginal Man, Dyslexic Avenger, DMD, KELLY ERIK, Ed Tenta-Shaw, Sleazy-C, Nixon, Clinton, LBJ, StreetMime II, Soem Guy In A Mask, Googoo Cachoob, Hooker T, Mr. Claven, MC Carjack and DJ Rawkus).
Unoriginal Man: Weeeeeeeeeeeeel! Ith an honor to be heyyyyyere, if ya wheeeeeel. This is the Man, babay, tellin' ya watch dat plunder, and keep on clubberin' cus dat's how ya get to da paywinda!
[Everyone stomps the holy hell out of Unoriginal Man. The crowd cheers. "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong plays.]
Styles: It's the Show Starter. The Curtain Jerker. The Snap Marer. The Jobber. Snap. Mare. Kid.
SW: You smell that?
NH: Smell what?
SW: It smells like Filler Time. I can't believe we're trying to get JOBBERS over.
Dyslexic Avenger: Scotty hey, respect deserve we!
SW: This is like an all you can slay buffet for Sarah. Where is she?
NH: Yeah, too bad she's trying to get ready for the Skull & Bones Society royal screwjob. Karma's a bitch, ain't it?
SW: Yeah, well so are you.
SMK: It is TRULY an honor to be out here. You all are part of the pothole filled road I've traveled. But you know what? Super Mollusc? You could beat me!
SM: No way!
SMK: Sleazy-C, YOU could beat me.
SC: Phuck u u phuckin biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
SMK: StreetMime II, YOU could beat me!
[StreetMime II mimes "talk to the hand."]
SMK: What I'm trying to say, UNCLE, is that the Snapmare Kid is the ULTIMATE JOB—
["Golden Showers" by the Mentors hits. Barely any reaction as Urine walks down the aisle, rubbing his crotch and pointing in the general direction of the ring. As Urine gets in the ring, the jobbers begin getting disgusted looks on their faces. Some begin holding their noses and gagging. Before Urine can even get the microphone, everybody bails out of the ring.]
DA: Stink you!
Mr. Claven: You know, Kelly, a little known fact is that the currency of Europe, the euro, is very similar to the word for urine in Greek.
KELLY ERIK: SHUT UP OR I WILL KILL YOU OLD MAN. I WAS IN THE ARMY.
Urine: Uh...whatchagonna do...nephew...yadda yadda yadda.
[Urine leaves the ring.]
SW: Well that sucked more than usual. Although Unoriginal Man looks severely injured.
Styles: We'll be right back!
Vote now in the BOB Forums in the BOB Loyal!
["Hear Nothing, See Nothing, Say Nothing" by Discharge is playing as we return.]
MV: The following contest is a Handicap Hardcore Elimination match! Introducing first. Being accompanied to the ring by the Wig Show, this is the current You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion, the You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt!
Styles: Fans, I usually don't say this. But this one, is going to be...extreme.
NH: And the title can change hands during the match. Because it's not Tuesday.
["Spam" (Pantera Monty Python megamix) hits.]
MV: Being accompanied to the ring by Bill Alfalfa. First, from Bombay, Alberta, Canada, Alan Qaida! And his partner, from Fight Swamp, Kentucky. Rob Van Spam!
Styles: This duo has been having problems of late with the Hardcore Divas and their barbed wire vibrators.
SW: I don't get it, Heidi. The way I see it, the only thing vibrators might be good for is making chocolate milk. There are so many men in the world who could do just as good a job.
NH: Nah. I'd take that over a six pump chump any day.
MV: And their partner. From Banzai Falls, Georgia, Kamikazie Ken!
["Immigrants Song" by Led Zeppelin hits. Suddenly, a zeppelin begins floating across the arena.]
Styles: Oh no! What does he have planned for this entrance?
NH: Is that? Is he ON TOP of the zeppelin? And on a motorcycle?
SW: This idiot is gonna kill himself. Kids, set your VCRs right now!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Kamikazie Ken is DEAD! He just smashed into the aisle!
SW: How's the bicycle? Think I could hock it for a few bucks?
NH: It looks fine, actually. The motor's even still running.
[Death walks out.]
Death: Nah...too easy...
[Death leaves. Kamikazie Ken twitches.]
MV: And their partner. From Glueylahara, Mehico, Super Gluey!
SW: Well, at least he made it out this week without getting stuck to something.
NH: Yeah. Now he just had to get past the wreckage of Ken in the aisle.
Styles: OH MY GOD! He got by! I'm in shock.
MV: And their opponents.
["Shake That Ass Bitch" by Splack Pack plays.]
MV: From San Fernando, California, this is Britney Smears, and from Staten Island, New York, this is Christina Gaguilera, they are, the Hardcore Divas!
Styles: And the divas get a good reaction from the crowd.
SW: And from my pants! Woohoo!
NH: As always, the girls are wielding those deadly vibrators.
SW: Those things would make them bleed even when it wasn't that time of the month.
NH: They're hardcore.
["Come Out And Play" by Offspring hits.]
MV: From parts unknown. This is Pigeon!
[Pigeon emerges and pauses. He extends his arms out wide and begins flapping them, getting a bit of a pop from the crowd. He walks down the aisle normally.]
Styles: What a match it's going to be at Grudge Match A-Go-Go when all of these competitors are on top of the Budget rental truck. Who will be the last person standing?
SW: I hope we see some broken bones. That'd be sweet.
["Mexican Stuff" by Hootie and the Wetbacks plays.]
MV: Finally. And FINALLY, from Suicida, Mehico, Insano Mano!
Styles: This one is sure going to be hard to call.
SW: Speaking of hard, look at Britney and Christina. Oh baby, I'd love to check out their lung capacity. Woohoo!
["Pussy Liquor" by Rob Zombie begins playing.]
Styles: Now what? This isn't on my format.
SW: For once, you aren't lying.
NH: It's our buddy Trey Vincent.
TV: Sorry to interrupt what will no doubt be a garbage spotfest extraordinare. But, I'm afraid, that I am going to have to call this match on account of rain.
Pigeon: Rain? What are you talking about, Vincent? We're in Bumbeldink, Texas!
Pigeon: And we're indoors!
TV: Little help, Detached Narrator?
[There was a sudden rumble of thunder as it began raining heavily, directly down on everybody in the ring. Everybody in the ring scatters, looking to find a dry spot.]
SW: Oh baby! If only the girls were wearing wet T-shirts!
NH: They're barely wearing anything as it is.
TV: Wow. You guys are such pussies. You're hardcore but you can't take a little rain? You all make me sick! But, as luck would have it, now I have more time for MY return to the ring. Stay tuned. More TV coming up!
[Outside of the Bumbeldink Auditorium, Sir Zeno was standing beside a trash barrel fire.]
SZ: I only wish I could put that coward Misty Waters into this barrel fire. But, sadly, I have to settle for everything else that she cares about. Her pathetic softcore porn career, to be specific.
SW: Oh NO! Don't do it!
SZ: That's right. I've got all her jokes of movies right here. Look at these pieces of crap. "Two For The Money Shot." "A History Of Lesbianism." "Into The Pink." "B.O.B.: The Battery Operated Boyfriend." "Shaggin' Wagon"? Pathetic.
Styles: Did he raid your sex drawer, Scotty?
SW: No. I haven't seen any of those, sadly.
NH: I think drawer is kind for Scotty. I think he has a wall full of pornos.
SW: Like that's a bad thing. Sheesh.
[Zeno dumps all the DVDs into the fire.]
SW: Noooooooo! Oh, the insanity!
Styles: Well...now he's going to cook some marshmallows. Lovely. Well, while he celebrates the death of Misty Waters life and career, lets see how Misty is preparing for the biggest match of her life at Grudge Match A-Go-Go!
[Misty is shown looking at a purple vibrator.]
The hour's approaching to give it your best
[Misty gets under the covers and begins pulling off all her clothes.]
You've got to reach your prime
[Various shots of Misty arching her back and making the O-face.]
That’s when you need to put yourself to the test
[Misty in the shower from the side. Her long, brown hair covering up everything that would get us censored, but showing enough to cause some minor boneage.]
And show us a passage of time
[Misty at the BOB Power Plant, practicing unwrapping Christmas presents in the middle of the ring.]
We're gonna need a montage (montage)
[Misty pounds on a pale, generic trainee with a pack of tube socks.]
Ooh it takes a montage (montage)
[Misty reads a Dimension Z comic book.]
Show a lot of things happenin' at once
[Misty stomps her right foot through a line of old car tires.]
Remind everyone of what’s going on (what’s going on?)
[She shakes her fist at a Swiss army knife.]
And with every shot you show a little improvement
[Misty tombstones a trainee on his head, crippling him for life. Misty smiles innocently and makes a *teehee* face.]
To show it all would take too long
[Misty under the covers of a bed, as we look at the digital red clock beside her bed go in speed motion through about two hours.]
That’s called a montage (montage)
[Misty reading the Dimension Z comic book on the toilet.]
Ooh we want montage (montage)
[Misty does the Misty Mountain Stomp on a different generic BOB trainee.]
In anything that you want to go from just a beginner to a pro
[Misty cleans her vibrator.]
You need a montage (montage)
[Misty easily rips open a package and chases the trainee around the ring with a silk tie.]
Even Rocky had a montage (montage)
[Misty chokes the guy with the tie, laughing like a school girl.]
[Misty tosses the Dimension Z comic in the trash. Some fat guy runs over and snatches it out of her trash.]
Anything if you want to go from just a beginner to a pro
[Misty Misty Mountain Stomps a stack of trainees.]
You need a montage (montage)
[Hours pass in seconds as Misty pleasures herself, yet again, in bed.]
Ooh it takes a montage (montage)
[Misty spears a Christmas tree display at a store.]
Always fade out in a montage,
[Misty is chased by security guards.]
If you fade out, it seem like more time
Has passed in a montage,
[Misty speeds away in her rental car.]
[Fade to black.]
Still not sure if you want breast implants? Just listen to what people are saying about Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and A Girl's Breast Friend!
Girl: They're so big, I don't even NEED to use my arms when I'm driving anymore! Thanks, Dr. Plants!
Girl: My lesbian lover was able to throw out her pillow thanks to my huge meat pillows. Thanks, Dr. Plants!
A Girl's Breast Friend. Located at the intersection of Areola Ave. and Mammary Lane!
["I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)" by Marilyn Manson hits.]
MV: The following is a punish my love match booked by BigBOSS. Introducing first, from Heaven, Kurt Angel.
[Angel pauses after he steps out and puts his arms in the air as The Flunky walks out with a small boombox and a flashlight. He begins waving the flashlight around and hits the play button and we hear a tinny *BOOM BOOM PACHEW* sound effect.]
Crowd: YOU'RE STONED! YOU'RE STONED! YOU'RE STONED! YOU'RE STONED!
SW: Wow, BOB didn't spare any expense for this show. Sheesh.
Styles: Angel is the hero in white, condemned to BOB to test his faith.
SW: And his drug addiction.
Styles: Right. But mainly his faith.
NH: I want to know where Angel got that white leather trenchcoat. That's hot.
SW: THAT is hot?
NH: Afraid so, Scotty. I'm sure Angel could take me to Heaven.
SW: Only if Heaven is an orgasm.
NH: Works for me.
["Pussy Liquor" by Rob Zombie played next.]
MV: And his opponent! From MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA! He is BOB's Vice President In Charge of Everything, and the husband and love of my life at the moment, Treyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, VINCENT!
Styles: And there are the brains behind Skull & Bones. You know you guys are doomed, right, Scotty?
SW: Don't underestimate Trey. When he's sober and writes down his ideas, he's a genius! And even when he's drunk, he's smarter than everybody else in this place.
NH: Too bad Billy Polar isn't here.
SW: Zombie Polar? What could would that be? He wants brains, damn it!
NH: He was cured once. Maybe, one day, he'll eat enough brains and be cured again. He could show up when you least expect it.
Styles: And here we go! Vincent charges, but Angel easily sidesteps Trey.
NH: Looks like Trey hasn't missed any meals in his time off.
SW: You're so superficial. Whoa! Did you see Michelle's cleavage! Whoa baby! Drop the mic again! Woohoo!
Styles: German suplex by Angel! And Vincent lands ugly on his upper shoulders and neck. Vincent trying to get up, but clothesline! Clothesline!
[A bloody Nic Flare runs out.]
Nic Flare: Woooooo!
Nic Flare: Shut up punks!
Styles: Angel pounding away on Vincent. And now he's stomping away on him. Vincent rolls under the bottom rope, trying to get a breather.
NH: It's so funny to see Trey this out of shape. At least he's not wearing his usual little shorts this morning.
SW: He told BigBOSS he lost those in a strip poker game. He only has those jeans. This is a street fight...or something.
Styles: Angel's on the attack! Oh! He just rammed Vincent's skull into the steel post!
SW: NO! You better get your prescription checked, Styles. Vincent blocked it.
Styles: Just wishful thinking, I guess.
NH: I was hoping he'd be bleeding like a stuck pig by now.
Styles: Shocking Conclusion on the floor! Vincent's version of a stunner. Vincent drags up Angel. Oh no! Angel's head DOES hit the steel post. Vincent picks him up! CROTCH-FIRST into the steel! Oh my!
SW: And you doubted Trey? This is Trey's day!
Styles: They're back in the ring. Cover! One. Two! Angel gets his foot on the rope.
SW: According to my sources, Trey hates Kurt.
NH: Is your source Trey?
SW: I can't reveal my sources.
NH: I think that one's pretty obvious.
SW: Yeah, well, you think that. Just remember, viewers, she is a blonde.
Styles: Minneapolis leg sweep connects. Vincent pulls up Angel. Here comes the Cliffhanger! No! Angel with a reversal into a DDT! Now he drags up Vincent. German suplex! He hangs on! German suplex! He hangs on! German suplex! He hangs on! German suplex! He hangs on! German suplex! He hangs on! German suplex! He hangs on! German suplex! He hangs on! Oh wait, no he doesn't...that's it...
[The crowd cheers. Cut to Uber Vampire Warrior.]
UVM: Seven! Seven German suplexes! Ah, ah, ah!
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: One! Two! Thr-NO! Vincent gets the shoulder up.
SW: C'mon, Trey!
NH: Is Angel willing to actually win and risk staying here longer? Do you think he hates Trey that much?
SW: My sources say you should shut up.
NH: Your sources can bite me.
SW: My sources say you can kiss their ass.
Styles: Will you guys stop bickering? Vincent is whipped into the ropes. Angel dropkick misses. Vincent is on the attack. Swinging neckbreaker! And again. And again. And again!
[Cut to Uber Vampire Warrior.]
UVM: Four! Four swinging neckbreakers! Ah, ah, ah!
[Back to the ring.]
Styles: Vincent picks up Angel. And now...Trey's got him locked into the tree of woe! Vincent backs up. Baseball slide dropkick...misses.
TV: Owwww! Canvas burn!
NH: Damn! He just tore up his forearms.
SW: At least Michelle can nurse him back to health. I heard he likes YOUNG nurses.
NH: Shut up fatso.
Generic Ref: You wanna quit?
TV: I'd prefer a drink.
Generic Ref: What'll ya have, boss?
TV: Hmm....go back and see if we have any—
Angel: (Still hanging upside down in the corner) Are you EVER going to hit a move on me or what?
TV: Hold on. I'm coming.
Styles: Vincent pulls up Angel. Eye poke.
SW: What? I didn't see that. My monitor went out.
Styles: Sure it did.
NH: No, actually, it did, Styles. It's on the fritz again.
Styles: Well, the ring is about ten feet away.
SW: Ten feet? Ohhhh!
Styles: Oh no! It looks like Trey is going for a top rope Glass Ceiling!
Styles: Vincent slipped! Vincent crotched himself! Oh my! Angel gets behind Vincent! HEAVENLY SLAM from the middle rope! COVER! One! Two! THRE-NO! Vincent kicked out!
SW: Phew! It's a good thing alcohol kills pain. I hope he took some pills too.
NH: Oh baby! Angel's straps are down!
SW: Please stop there! Don't blind me!
Styles: ANGEL LOCK!
SW: Get to the ropes! Poke him in the eye! Hit him with a pipe! C'mon, Trey!
NH: He's crawling like a little bitch! Hahaha!
SW: You're getting way too much enjoyment out of this.
Styles: Vincent grabs the ropes.
SW: Break it up, Generic Ref.
NH: I think he forgot that rule.
TV: Make him break the hold or I'll fire you!
Generic Ref: And that's bad, how? Ah, I'm just kidding ya! Break it up, Angel.
Styles: And Angel puts his straps back up.
NH: Oh yeah! They're coming right back down!
SW: Thank God! Here's Dustbuster Boy!
Styles: Overhead belly to belly suplex!
SW: Here's Leary!
Styles: Heavenly Slam!
Styles: Angel Lock! But here comes Vincent! He kicks Angel! Oh NO! He lifts him over his shoulder. COMING DOWN! Oh my GOD! One. Two. Three. Vincent wins. Son of a bitch!
SW: Woohoo! You guys suck. You cheer the good guys. But the good guys never win! Haha!
MV: The winner of the match, TREYYYYYYYYYYYY VINCENNNNNNT!
NH: And here are the tough guys all kicking away on Angel. The same three men who will try to bring Death the title from Sarah.
SW: Three men?
NH: Well, I can only count Skeeter and Leary are only half-men.
[Backstage, The Commentator is with Atomo The Living Robot.]
TC: Hello, Atomo.
Atomo: HELLO UNIT: THE-COMMENTATOR. ARE-YOU-GOING-TO-BE-FIRED-SOON?
TC: I don't think so, why?
Atomo: I-DON'T-KNOW. I-THOUGHT-I-HEARD-WE-WERE-HIRING-BILL-GOLDBERG-TO-BE-THE-NEW-BACKSTAGE-ANNOUNCER.
TC: By gawd! I'm shocked! I'm angrier than a scalded dog bit by a rabid raccoon! Where did you see these rumors?
Atomo: ON-THE-INTERNET. THE-SITE-ALSO-PROMISED-TO-REVEAL-WHO-LITTLE-GOOD-IS-DATING-IN-REAL-LIFE-SPOILERS-ON-GRUDGE-MATCH-A-GO-GO-AND-RARE-TOPLESS-PICTURES-OF-SARAH_BOT. I-WAS-RATHER-DISAPPOINTED-TO-FIND-THAT-THE-SARAH_BOT-PHOTOS-WERE-PHOTOSHOPPED.
TC: I see. Well...excuse me, Atomo. I've gotta go start kissing some ass like it's barbecue sauce!
Atomo: OH. UM-ABOUT-THE-PREMATURE-BURIAL-MATCH-IT-IS-ON. BRIDE-AND-ATOMO. ENEMIES-FOREVER.
Dec. 4, 2005 in Montreal! Live on BOB-On-Demand!
MV: The following match is our main event of the morning and will be for THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!
SW: Sarah puts the 'TIT' in ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!
["You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)" by Dead or Alive hits.]
MV: Introducing first, the challenger. From Banal, Oregon. This is Uuuuuunit 5!
SW: Nostrascotty sees a DQ ending and a cliched everybody on the roster brawling to end the show.
NH: Reading ahead in the script doesn't make you a prophet.
Styles: This is a different Unit 5, guys. This one can bounce itself and has a mechanical magnetic arm now. Who knows what other tricks Unit 5 may have up its, uh, pipes?
["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays. Huge pop!]
MV: And his, uh..its? Opponent. From Clouydale, Connecticut, the reigning champion, Sarah.
NH: What an uninspired intro. Sisters.
SW: Hot sisters. Oh baby! But Michelle is hotter.
Styles: And still married.
SW: I thought she was only married in Minnesota? Didn't they outlaw marriage everywhere else yet?
Styles: No they didn't outlaw marriage.
SW: Well, they should. Then it wouldn't be cheating.
NH: You wouldn't have a shot with a blind paraplegic.
SW: I know at least two of those who would disagree.
Styles: And here we—
["Killed By Death" by Motorhead hits. Death walks down with a chair in his hand. Death takes a seat at ringside.]
SW: Things are getting interesting now. Nostrascotty isn't looking so stupid now, is he.
NH: No, he still looks stupid. Would you like a plastic bag to put over your face? It could only improve that problem.
Styles: Sarah circling around Unit 5, and Unit 5 following her every move.
Styles: Kick connects, but it has no effect!
SW: Try a sledgehammer. That might do some damage.
Styles: Sarah grabs Unit 5.
Styles: A punch!
StJS: Awww. I broke a nail! That's it. Now you're going down.
Styles: Sarah with a triple kick! Unit 5 is rocked, but still on its wheels!
NH: What a match!
[Unit 5's arm shoots out. Unit 5 charges.]
Styles: Clothesline! And Sarah is down!
Styles: With a mighty spray of water, Unit 5 is up! OH MY GOD! Sarah moves just in time! Unit 5 lands door first on the canvas!
NH: Death is in the ring behind Sarah!
Styles: Death runs past her. Leg drop on Unit 5?
MV: The winner of the match as a result of a disqualification, Unit 5!
Styles: And Sarah looks pissed! Look at Death laughing.
SW: Yeah, here come the reinforcements!
NH: The Suck-Ups? *Pfffft*
Styles: Sarah is jumped by Death, Dustbuster Boy, Esq., Skeeter and Leary.
Styles: But here come Coma and Hallucination Boy! The tag champs are coming to the rescue!
NH: Oh no! It's the Drudley Boyz! They're chasing after them! The numbers still don't look good for Sarah.
SW: And here come Seth Harker and Kay Fabe!
Styles: And there's Kurt Angel and Little Good! And here come Steve Studnuts and Dr. Silaconne M. Plants! The locker room is emptying out.
SW: It's the last show before Grudge Match A-Go-Go. What were you expecting?
Styles: Unit 5 is back up! And going after douja! Unit 5 has douja trapped in the corner!
NH: Mr. Paradox, Dr. Thrilla...and EVERYBODY is charging down the aisle!
Styles: BRAWL! BRAWL! BRAWL! Fans, there are fights everywhere, but we're out of time.
SW: If you want more brawls, make sure to buy Grudge Match A-Go-Go! Maybe we won't have DQs and fusterclucks. But I bet we will anyway.
Styles: For Scotty and Nurse Heidi, this is Styles saying...ORDER GRUDGE MATCH A-GO-GO! ORDER GRUDGE MATCH A-GO-GO! ORDER GRUDGE MATCH A-GO-GO!
[Everybody is fighting as we fade out.]
© 2005 BOB Wrestling. All sales final!