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Sunday Morning Chloroform 32

A dark screen. The sound of footsteps is heard as the TVM logo appears in the upper left hand corner of the screen. There is a buzzing noise and then there is light. We see a hand pulling away from a plug. Above the plug are the hand-written words: PLUG MY HOLE, BIG BOY!

Sunday Morning Chloroform Logo

Styles and Heidi Are Running The Show...You've Been Warned!

[We are on tape in the Generic Arena in Anytown, USA! There is a crowd of about 25 people in the arena. Looks like somebody was asleep at the wheel when promoting this show. Big shocker, huh?]

Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Sunday Morning Chloroform! It's going to be a HUGE edition of Chloroform.

NH: Oh, don't even start lying, Styles. This is going to be a disaster. We're so getting fired after this thing airs.

Styles: Probably. So, since we'll be getting fired anyway, FUCK COMEDY CENTRAL!

NH: Yeah! Fuck you! It's all your fault! Not ours!

Styles: We're going to start things off with a HUGE title match!

NH: That's right! Oh, excuse me for a moment.

Styles: And Heidi's heading to the ring. And she looks tremendous this morning! Look at that low cut white nurse dress! That doesn't leave much to the imagination. And thank GOD, because I have no imagination left at all at this moment. Take it away, Heidi!

Fan: Take it OFF, Heidi! Wooo!

NH: The opening contest is set for one fall. And it is for the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer Title!

["Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland begins playing.]

NH: Introducing first. From Parts Unknown. This is PIGEON!

[Pigeon steps out from the back slowly and looks around at the ground, then at the meager crowd. He extends his arms and flaps them wildly for a few seconds and then heads down the aisle.]

Styles: This match has had quite the buildup. I'm sure everyone remembers this.

[Cut to some still footage from Itneverhappenedamania.]

Styles: As you can see here from these shots taken by www.bobwrestling.com, Pigeon was full in control against Death in this contest, up on the turnbuckle raining down punches on Death's skull, when all of a sudden, Death pulled out a piece of Pigeon's hair, causing him a serious injury to his scalp. Oh, please, turn that footage into black and white! That's too graphic! Look at the hair strand! But Pigeon is back for the first time in MONTHS, this morning. Just for YOU, the fans!

[Back to the arena. "Killed By Death" by Motorhead is playing.]

NH: And his opponent. This is DEATH!

[Pigeon grabs the mic.]

Pigeon: Excuse me, geniuses, but which one of us exactly is the champion? Last I checked, Atomo was the champ, you goofs.

[Heidi takes the mic back.]

NH: The champion is the person who makes the pin in this match.

[Pigeon takes the mic back.]

Pigeon: I could feel it from the start.
Couldn't stand to be apart.
Something ‘bout you caught my eye.
Something moved me deep inside.
Don't know what you did boy but you had it.
And I've been hooked ever since.
Told my mother, my brother, my sister and my friends
Told the others, my lovers, both past and present tense.
That everytime i see you everything starts making sense.
Do your thang honey!
What about ME? What about PIGEON!

Styles: And on that off-key note, let's get this one underway! Oh no! Death just grabbed Pigeon by the hair! He's going right after the injury! Crap! Where's our referee, Heidi?

NH: Oh! Damn. Hold on. I'll go find one. Hey you!

Fan: Me?

NH: You know how to count to three?

Fan: Sure do!

NH: You know how to lay down on your stomach and lift your arm up and down while pounding the palm of your hand into the mat three times at an approximate one second interval?

Fan: Uh, yeah.

NH: Are you easily knocked unconscious, only to revive at an inappropriate time for a heel or face to gain an advantage?

Fan: Hell yeah!

NH: Do you have a striped T-shirt?

Fan: Are you kidding? (He unzips his jacket.) I work at FOOT LOCKER!

NH: How'd you like to make $20?

Fan: A LOT!

NH: You, my friend, are hired!

Fan: Woohoo!

NH: What's your name?

Fan: Generic Foot Locker Employee!

NH: Sweet! Tonight, er, I mean, this morning...you will be Brawlers On a Budget's referee!

Fan: Yeah, bitches!

Styles: And Generic Foot Locker Employee slides into the ring. Just in time to see Death taking down Pigeon with a VICIOUS clothesline. Death goes for an elbow drop! No! Pigeon gets out of the way. Pigeon is sliding out of the ring and coming right toward us.

Pigeon: Give me that chair!

Styles: My comfy chair! No! ACK!

NH: Styles? You OK? Pigeon tosses Styles's vibrating leather office chair into the ring. Pigeon whips Death into the ropes. Drop toe hold of doom onto the chair. Damn, that was lame.

Styles: We don't have any other chairs around this morning?

NH: Well, all the cheap plastic ones in the audience are tied together.

Styles: Like anybody is going to steal them.

NH: I think they were more afraid the fans would throw them after they see how bad this show is going to be.

Styles: Oh. Fair enough. CAN I HAVE MY CHAIR BACK NOW?

Pigeon: NO!

NH: Uh oh! Looks like Pigeon has a stapler!

[Pigeon puts the stapler against Death's skull. CR-CRUNCH.]

Fans: Ohhhhh!

Styles: OH MY GOD! If Death had any flesh, he no doubt would be wearing the crimson mask!

Death: Ahh! My skull! My beautiful skull!

Styles: TOUCH OF DEATH~! One! Two! Three! Death wins! Death wins! Death is our new Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer champion!

NH: Didn't we book Pigeon to win?

Styles: DAMN IT! Think, Heidi, think!

NH: Wait! I've got it!

[Heidi heads into the ring.]

NH: OK. Generic Foot Locker Employee?

GFLE: Yes, beautiful?

NH: Didn't Pigeon use a chair AND a stapler as a weapon in this match?

GFLE: Umm....yes?

NH: So, shouldn't Pigeon have been disqualified?

GFLE: Ohhh, YEAH! Hey, Pigeon! You're DQed!

Pigeon: Oh baby when you talk like that.
You make a woman go mad.
So be wise and keep on.
Reading the signs of my body.

And I'm on tonight.
You know my hips don't lie.
And I am starting to feel you boy.
Come on let's go, real slow.
Don't you see baby asi es perfecto.

NH, Death + GFLE: WHAT?

Pigeon: You know what I mean! But, haha, you don't get your title, yet again, Death!

Death: Didn't I kill you?

Pigeon: I never did learn how to sell.

[Pigeon rolls out of the ring and flaps his arms mockingly at Death. We cut backstage to, uh...Pigeon and Nurse Heidi.]

Pigeon: I want to thank you for saving my title out there just before the commercial break!

NH: No problem. Although, you aren't the champion.

Pigeon: Oh, right.

NH: Yeah.

Pigeon: You've been waiting so long.
I'm hear to answer your call.
I know that I shouldn't have had you waiting at all.
I've been so busy, but I've been thinking about what I wanna do with you.

Pigeon: So, Heidi, do you pitch or catch?

[Pigeon holds up a baseball glove and a catcher's mask.]

NH: Uh, catch?

Pigeon: Quoth the Pigeon...batter up!

Styles: Did Heidi just say what I THINK she said? Boy, that's just so outrageous! Anyway. On our last episode, many, many weeks ago, Trey Vincent was shot by a sniper. We were planning on finding out who shot him this morning, but, most of the roster didn't show up because we had to throw this together at the last minute and most of them couldn't get time off from their real jobs. The ones that actually pay them something. So, hopefully, next time out, we'll answer that lingering question of who shot TV?

[We cut backstage.]

Death: I've had it! This entire roster will feel my wrath for not showing up. You're telling me that only me and Pigeon showed up?

NH: Pretty much, yeah. But look. I know Pigeon embarrassed you, like, a few minutes ago.

Death: You know, you started it, not him.

NH: Regardless. This morning, you'll get the chance to see how it's done.

Death: Why? Are YOU going to wrestle Pigeon in the main event?

NH: No. But YOU are. And it's going to be for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!

Death: The hell?

NH: Go Death!

[We cut to some very obvious filler material. Yes, interviews with FANS! How low we've sunk...]

Fan 1: Oh, I think Death is going to win because Death can't be stopped. Except by Jean Bannister.

Fan 2: Pigeon, no doubt. He's so hardcore that he'll break every one of Death's bones.

Fan 3: Based on BOB's history? The janitor?

Fan 4: Jeff Jarrett. He always wins the title for no apparent reason.

[Back to the ring.]

GFLE: My name is! Generic! Foot Locker! Employee! And this morn-! Ing haha! My man, Death! Is going! To face and! Destroy Pi-! Geon so let! Me haha! Introduce! Haha, DEATH!

NH: That's quite the speech pattern there by Generic Foot Locker Employee. He must be from a foreign country or something.

["Them Bones" by Alice in Chains plays.]

Styles: Whoa! What a match THIS should be!

NH: Damn. This is like two great warriors going at it! The most accomplished killer of all time against the most accomplished hardcore parody wrestler that works for BOB.

["Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland begins playing. Pigeon steps out from the back slowly and looks around at the ground, then at the meager crowd. He extends his arms and flaps them wildly for a few seconds and then heads down the aisle.]

Styles: And here we go! Pigeon charges and lands some punches on Death. But Death whips Pigeon into the ropes. Big bony foot to the face! And here it comes! The Netherworld Powerbomb! Oh my GOD! TOUCH OF DEATH on the prone body of Pigeon! One! Two! Three! Death with the decisive victory here!

GFLE: Ladies and! Gentlemen! Your winner! Haha, DEATH!

NH: Death squashed Pigeon in that match.

Styles: Well, fans, we've got a very interesting reality show type of thing coming up in the coming weeks. Let's take a look at it!

CAPTION: MAIL-ORDER BRIDE SEARCH 2006!

NH: Hi everyone! It's Nurse Heidi, along with Styles.

Styles: OH MY GOD!

NH: And this summer in BOB, we're looking for the next Russian mail-order bride! It's been a long process, but we think we've finally found someone who will marry Pigeon and then, of course, serve as his valet, as all good wives do. We've narrowed it down to eight finalists! And over the next eight shows, we'll see the eight women compete to win the affections of Pigeon! Let's take a quick look at the finalists!

SvetlanaSvetlana: Hi! I'm 18. I am a librarian. I'm an Aries. I'm Christian. I love to live so much. In any situation I see a positive side. It’s very easy to communicate with me. I like an active people who have an aim in their life. I dislike the boorishness and stupidity. I press for my aims in my life; I have got a good sense of humor, I like and I am able to listen to people and to support them. As a matter of principle, I am a charming, emotional and self-confident person. My hobbies are music, sport and books. Except my job I study at University in historical faculty. I am finishing the second year. I am looking for an intelligent man with a good sense of humor, self-confident, sociable and I’d prefer him to have a beautiful voice. He should be able to stand up for himself. And at the same time be careful and tender. His preferable age is 24-30 years old and I would like him to have a sporting or thin figure.

ElenaElena: Hi! I'm 32. I am a manager. I'm a Leo. I'm Christian. I’ve got a calm, non-conflicted character. I’m flexible and I suppose I have a good sense of humor. But I also can be very sarcastic if someone hurts me. In some situations friends call me Cat for ability of being tender and tame with people I love. I like different and some cases even an opposite things. But my interests are stable and constant the same way as I am. Whom am I waiting for..? Well, well, probably I’m looking for a very handsome Chairman of Oil Co., he has no relatives, and he is so busy that has no second for me. He haven’t any idea about such person as his wife and etc etc etc… OF COURSE, I’M JOKING! I’d like to meet ordinary responsible person. He is kind, enough open-handed with a sense of humor and plans for his future family oriented life. I appreciate responsibility, sincerity, tenderness, optimism, ability to lave and to take care of loved ones.

AnnaAnna: Hello. I'm 20. I'm a student. I'm a Capricorn. I'm Christian. Not easy thing to describe myself. Not much you can tell and better to know a person step by step. Well, i am very calm and understanding person. I do not like agressive people and think that everything can be solved in peace way. i am also romantic and tender. I like to spend nice evenings at home with candlights and champagne and beloved man next to me .. Well, I have a lot of hobbies and I really is interested in many branches of different things - like sociology, psychology, history, I am also very much into design and drawing. I have a dream to find my second half. Of course, I am not looking for a prince on a white horse, but though the part of him. I want him to understand and appreciate me and then of course, I will treat him with respect, love and open soul. When I walk along the streets of our city and see beautiful pairs in years, holding arms, my heart warms and I hope, that someday it will also happen to me and I meet my love and will share with him the good times as well as the bad.

NatalyaNatalya: Hi. I'm 21. A student. An Aries. Christian. I can assure you that I'm a real treasure). They say beauty and brain. I'm attractive, charismatic, honest and kind person. I can feel your heart…can feel you throughout a distance. I live my life to the full, every day I have lots of smiles, I like to make the people around me feel good and happy. I'll give you wings and we'll fly away to the seventh sky. An angel with the great ...brains )). I think I'm very rich in my interests. I love my friends, I like to spend beautiful time with them, and also I would like to meet new people, to find new BIG friend, new feelings and emotions. I like dancing very much, listening different music, cooking, traveling, would like to visit other countries and cities. I believe, that every woman has her special man. It's not necessary, that he speaks her language. May be he lives in another part of the world? May be he is working now and thinking about the same? May be this man is you? I have not met my special man yet, but I believe my special man understands me, respects my opinion and choice. He is just and understanding ,earnest and honest. He presents a lot of smiles and not lacking of humor. He takes care of me and I know, that I am his Princess. And also his Princess knows, that may rely him on. And everything I will get, I will return HIM back increased.

OlesyaOlesya: How you say, what is up? I'm 23. I'm a model. I'm a Gemini. I'm a Christian. I'm a very kind, communicative, nice, considerate, sensual and interesting young lady. I have a good sense of humor and I love kind jokes. I'm very neat and decent. I can appreciate good features in a person. First of all I am keen on sports: swimming in a pool, but mostly in natural ponds (sea, river, lake), racing skiing, sport dances, chess. I also have abilities of a designer that help me to have my own clothes style. In the relationship I appreciate trust and mutual understanding. I am looking for a man, who can give decency in attitudes, care and fidelity, as I am ready to give this to him.

JuliaJulia: I am 21. I'm an administrator. I'm a Capricorn. I'm Christian. I like to see beautiful things around me. I don’t like standards. I always try to look nice to make pleasant surprises for other eyes. I with pleasure visit theatres, restraints, I like books, music, I adore to travel, but in comfortable conditions. I live an active life, but I also appreciate silence and being alone. It’s so pleasurable to sit at the seaside, to hear voices of waves and seagulls and to think during hours about past or to dream about future – probably it will be our common future, what do you think? I’ll be so attentive and sincere with my b The life makes everybody to be strong and reasonable, but sometimes I have a desire to nestle up to a reliable shoulder of a strong man and to dive into an ocean of passion and love, to feel real feelings – it’s very important for me. It’s important to know that I’m necessary to somebody like air, that I’m loved and desired.eloved man! I could give him so much love, care and tenderness as he can only dream.

YuliyaYuliya: Hi. I'm 18. I'm a baby-sitter and a student. I'm a Leo. I'm Christian. In the whole I am trying to step along the way of life with a smile. I adore making someone laughing or smiling with a good joke. I love having good time in noisy companies, but sometimes I need peace and quite, to spend some time alone. I am always ready to listen to people. I am a supportive person, who is always ready and glad to understand and help anyone in any situation. And I always try to be honest above all, and suppose it to be the main feature of character in other people in my surrounding. I love dancing, and I hope I would like to believe I am rather good at it. I always get a great pleasure of swimming. In fact I love all kinds of sport in the whole, because I think being active is very important not only for physical but and for mind health. Earlier I used to knit and to embroider various pictures. I always try to find time for reading, though I am extremely busy and short of time all day long. But I don’t like to read everything, I am only fond of reading that literature, which will make me feel interested or excited, which will make me think. It should be a person, who would love me. I would love this man to be supportive and reliable. I want him to understand me and sometimes even without words, or at least to try to do so:) As I have mentioned it already I appreciate honesty in people, so it would be great to meet an honest man. Of course he has to love children, because I am going to have children in the future. And also calm and confident man, with whom I will feel comfortable both while having a conversation and keeping silence.

NataliaNatalia: Hey. I'm 22. An accountant. A Pisces. A Christian. I am a kind, cheerful person. I am an optimist in life. I like merry companies, I have a lot of friends. I love animals and like reading. This year I finished the University bit I could not find my second half during the years of my study. Now I work and understand that the years go but I am still alone and have no close person. I want to meet a kind, attentive and worthy man. I dream about love and creating a strong family and be happy! I would like to meet a kind, attentive, responsible and honest man with good taste and sense of humor.

Styles: Don't miss BOB this summer. It's gonna be hotter than Russia!

[Back to ringside.]

Styles: Wow, that should be some captivating television.

NH: I have never seen such beautiful Russian girls before. Not that I've ever actually seen any real Russian girls before.

Styles: Contemplating a little switch hitting?

NH: Never say never. Even though I just said it twice.

Styles: Who will really be the winner? The girl who ends up with Pigeon, or the girls who end up with Heidi? Fans, I'll let YOU ponder that one. As a matter of fact, I need to go ponder that right now. Let's take a commerical breake.

NH: Styles, you're misspeaking. Are you OK?

Styles: Fina. Yzhz. Gota go!


Comedy Central. You want repeats? We GOT repeats!


NH: We're back. And stay tuned, because in this morning's big main event, we'll see Death and Pigeon in a match for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

["The End" by the Doors plays. Death skips out with a little dog skeleton dressed in a matching black cloak-hoodie like its master. Now there's an image I'll never get out of my mind...Styles is in the ring, which for some reason, has a black carpet rolled over the canvas.]

Styles: Well, Death. Tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow is the day that the new BOB magazine launches. That's right, Compartimiento de BOB hits the stands tomorrow. Just to warn everyone, it's mostly written in Spanish, because we could only afford illegal immigrants. And honestly, we have no idea what the articles even say.

NH: Further proof that illegal immigrants are doing jobs that regular Americans don't want to. And can you blame Americans for not wanting to write about BOB?

Styles: So Death, let's unveil the cover!

["You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC begins playing. Styles holds up the magazine, featuring Death, from behind, wearing only pink thong bottoms. Good LORD this segment is disturbing. But thankfully(?), "Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland begins playing. Pigeon does the same entrance, yet again.]

Pigeon: Get out of the ring. And your little dog, too.

Styles: What are you? The Wicked Witch of the West?

[Pigeon grabs the magazine and bonks Styles on the head.]

Pigeon: I've got something important to say. I am the MPV of SMC!

Styles: You mean MVP?

Pigeon: That too! I should be on the cover of that magazine in a pink thong, not Death. He's nothing but bones and more bones! What about ME? What about PIGEON!! I should be on the cover of the magazine. But more importantly...I should be in that main event this morning between Pigeon and Death!

Styles: Um, Pigeon? You ARE Pigeon!

Pigeon: Shut up, Styles! Why don't you go back to your little flimsy table and yell 'oh my god' a few hundred more times, you one trick pony. What about ME? What about PIGEON! I should be the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! Death thinks he should be the champion? That's funnier than any of those damn jokes he tells! If I don't get a shot at that belt, this morning, then I'm leaving BOB! Actually. I'm out of here! I'm not even going to wait and see if I'm in the main event.

[Pigeon walks out of the ring and hops the Flimsy Guardrail. He walks past the rows of empty red and blue plastic chairs. He pauses at the place where they are selling BOB merchandise.]

Pigeon: What about PIGEON Shirts? What about them?

Concession Guy: You don't have any. We only have two BOB T-shirts. And both of them are for Trey Vincent. He said that nobody will buy anybody else's T-shirts, so he never bothered designing any.

Pigeon: Both of these are blank!

Concession Guy: Right. This is his basic black pocket T-shirt. The other is your basic green pocket T-shirt. Trey's colors. So if you're wearing a black or green T-shirt, you're supporting Trey Vincent. You don't seem too interested in those. How about a pair of Trey Vincent black jeans? You look like a size 38.

Pigeon: What is this? Trey-Mart? Argh!

Concession: I've also got socks! And boxer shorts! Where you going?

[Pigeon walks out the nearest exit.]


Comedy Central. You want repeats? We GOT repeats! Even our COMMERCIALS are repeating now!


[Backstage, Nurse Heidi was standing by with Death.]

NH: Death, you've got a big title match later this morning. But you don't even know if your opponent is going to show up. Are you psyched or what?

Death: You know....Damn Heidi. You look good. Good enough to KILL! BWAHAHAHA! Ah, I kill me. Anyway, Heidi. I once had a title match against Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." I got royally screwed. I was way over as a heel than she was as a face. So what does BOB do? Keep it on a stale face and waste the amazing talents of the baddest heel in parody sports entertainment today.

[A dog growls off-screen. Heidi looks down and screams.]

NH: Get away from my pussy!

[Heidi picks up a cat.]

Death: Wow, that was subtle. You know what, I've got to go. Over there. See ya. Gabriel! Here boy!

[The dog yelps and chases after Death. Back to the ring. Heidi and two jobbers are in the ring. I know this because they didn't have entrance music and they are already in the ring.]

Patrick FitzgeraldGerald Fitzpatrick

NH: The following is a tag team contest. Introducing first, already in the ring, from San Francisco, this is Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick! They are the Crazy Drunken Irish Fags!

Styles: This is one of those wacky pick your partner tag team matches! This was all set up one week ago in San Francisco.

[Roll videotape.]

Caption: San Francisco.

Death: Which one of you is Gerald?

Gerald: (Pointing at Patrick) He is.

Death: I knew you were lying.

Gerald: I'm not lying!

Death: I can see it in your script. You're Gerald.

Gerald: (Looks to his left and sees his name) SHIT!

[Back to the arena.]

NH: And their opponents.

["Natural Born Killaz" by Ice Cube and Dr. Dre plays.]

NH: This is Death. Again...

[Death makes his way down. Styles bangs his head on the announce table.]

Styles: (Mumbling) Why did only two people on the roster show up?

[Death takes the mic.]

Death: You know...as a swerve, I'd like to pick PIGEON as my partner.

Styles: Pigeon?

NH: Who didn't see that coming?

Styles: Somebody who just tuned in, perhaps?

["Promiscuous." Arms. Walks to ring. The only difference is this time he comes in the same door he walked out of in the previous segment. Finally, some continuity.]

Styles: Looks like we're about ready to start.

Pigeon: Who wants a bone?

Styles: OH MY GOD! Pigeon just grabbed Gabriel, Death's dog! Pigeon is pretending to have doggy-style sex with the dog!

NH: Did we really think this was a good idea?

Styles: I don't remember writing this part. I think they're improvising.

NH: Death is going after Pigeon. And now the two men who are supposed to be tag team partners are beating each other. I hope Gabriel is OK.

Styles: I guess the joke was supposed to be a pigeon making love to a dog?

NH: You're sick, Styles.

Styles: I'm working on my issues, I swear! Meanwhile, Generic Foot Locker Employee is counting out these feuding partners. And there's ten. Oh no! Don't tell me Patrick and Gerald won?

NH: Alright, I won't announce it. But it doesn't change the fact.

Styles: It looks like Pigeon is flying the coop now after violating Death's dog.

NH: I can't believe we've finally resorted to bestiality. We SERIOUSLY need some divine inspiration for a change.

Styles: Agreed. Maybe we should just leave now before it gets worse?

NH: I don't know. I kinda wanted to do that parody of Trey and BigBOSS we had planned.

Styles: Oh, right! Brilliant!

NH: That's not BigBOSS. That's Skeeter and Leary! Sheesh.

Styles: Right. Well. Let's take a look at this music video from...Michelle Vincent? What the HELL is this?

NH: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Styles: Why does music have to suffer just to placate Trey Vincent's ego? And shouldn't she be mourning or praying or something instead of singing?

[Fade to black.]

Michelle

[We fade in on Michelle Vincent as generic crappy electro-pop music that lacks any kind of hook or melody plays in the background. The MTV writing tells us the artist is Michelle Vincent, the song is called "Feelin' Really Blue 2 Day" and the director is Tim Burr.]

MV: There is harmony in disharmony
Tomorrow is another day
Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Every cloud has a silver lining
It could be worse
It will be worse

I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day

After the rain comes a rainbow
Life's not so bad, when you consider the alternative

There is harmony in disharmony
Tomorrow is another day
Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Every cloud has a silver lining
It could be worse
It will be worse

I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day
I'm feelin' really blue 2 day

[Fade to black.]

[We're now backstage with Pigeon.]

Pigeon: I hope Trey dies so I can bang her.

[Elsewhere backstage, a Rent-A-Dent limo is pulling up at the front door of the arena. Who could it be? Find out after this commercial!]


This commercial.


["Takin' Care of Business" is playing. Out struts, uh...Styles. I guess his way of impersonating BigBOSS is to take off his glasses? Because otherwise, he looks exactly the same. This should be, something.]

"BigBOSS": Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for the large round of indifference! Now, as you may have heard, I sustained a serious injury at the last show. That's right. While attempting to write checks for my lowly employees, I cut my finger. I had to be rushed to the hospital, where I used said money to pay my hospital bills.

[Waits for laughter.]

"BigBOSS": *Ahem* Kurt Angel is going to pay. As a matter of fact, life is already catching up to him. Well, that, and the local police department. It seems as though Kurt, douja, Rob Van Spam and several other people were caught in possession of something called 'weed.' So when they come back, you can thank them!

[Waits for laughter.]

Fan: YOU SUCK!

"BigBOSS": Did I mention I'm snobby? And I'm rich? And that I was the genius behind such concepts as FOOTBRAWL?

Fan: SHUT UP!

"BigBOSS": You know what, Fan? You're FIRED!

Fan: BLOW ME!

"BigBOSS": Oooh, my stomach. I think I need to go take a LilBOSS.

[Waits for laughter.]

Fan: DIE, STYLES, DIE!

["All Hail The New Flesh" by Strapping Young Lad plays for five seconds, and is then replaced by "Pussy Liquor" by Rob Zombie, which is then replaced in ten seconds by "Empty Handed" by Michelle Branch, which is then replaced ten seconds later by silence where "We Will Rock You (Remix)" by DJ Hurricane featuring Scott Weiland would have been if somebody hadn't deleted it stupidly from this computer, which is then replaced by "N.W.O." by Ministry, which is then replaced by "I Want To Be On TV" by Green Day, which is finally replaced by "Money" by Pink Floyd. Oh yeah, not to mention, Nurse Heidi is out, dressed in black panties and a bloody white Trey Vincent T-shirt (the one featuring "Turn On Your TV" with a woman's hand dangling over a remote control). She strikes the TV pose and then walks down the aisle.]

"Trey Vincent": Hello, jackfucks! As you could tell from Trey Vincent's entrance, Trey Vincent has about as many entrance themes as Trey Vincent does STDs! And Trey Vincent Trey Vincent Trey Vincent Trey Vincent! What's the matter, Dad? Don't you speak Trey Vincent like Trey Vincent?

["Trey," throughout the interview, keeps grabbing "his" crotch and adjusting himself like the real Trey would.]

"BigBOSS": No, I was just wondering if you charged those breast implants to the company!

"Trey Vincent": Well, Michelle barely has any tits, so Trey Vincent HAD to get some for himself! Hell, Trey Vincent doesn't even need Michelle anymore. Trey Vincent just needs Trey Vincent! And no, Trey Vincent doesn't talk this loud and boastful because Trey Vincent has a tiny penis as a result of all the steroids Trey Vincent has taken to get this chiseled body with the gigantic beer belly. It's not because Trey Vincent is actually half-Chinese.

"BigBOSS": Well, Trey, I only hope that when the IRS catches up to me, you'll make as good a leader as I have for the past SIX years.

"Trey Vincent": That's not much to live up to!

"BigBOSS": Ouch! You sure zinged me there! Say, Trey, when are you planning on giving me some grandchildren?

"Trey Vincent": Well, Dad, Trey Vincent would, but no doubt, after all the drinking and partying Trey Vincent has done, Trey Vincent's semen will probably crash on the way to the egg or get busted for swimming while intoxicated!

"BigBOSS": Gee, I almost didn't even notice, it looks like somebody shot you!

"Trey Vincent": Yeah, Trey Vincent is actually in a coma as we speak. But, hell, Trey Vincent has been in a coma for Trey Vincent's entire sports entertainment career and nobody seemed to notice until now! But seriously, it doesn't matter who shot Trey Vincent. It just matters that somebody FINALLY shot TV!

[A siren sounds. "BigBOSS" and "Trey" look at each other.]

"BigBOSS": Uh-oh! It's the IRS!

["Trey" and "BigBOSS" run up the aisle.]

Death: Well that sucked!

Pigeon: No doubt. I can't believe those two are trying to dominate the show like that.

Death: Seriously. Anyhow. Let's head to downtown Chicago to catch up with Death.

[The 2-Cheap-2-Own TV lights up. On-screen, Death is sneaking up on an old lady walking down a hallway using a walker.]

Death: Say, Death?

Death: Yes, Death?

Death: I was just wondering if you had any thoughts about Pigeon?

Death: You know...I am on the job. But sure, I guess I can talk to you, old friend, for a few moments. And Big Dead is most definitely in the HOSPITALLLLLLLLLL. Pigeon. So far, this guy has proven NOTHING to me. I am the Death there is, the Death there was and the Death there ever will be. I'm God's hitman! What is he? A guy who craps on statues? You know, it's a lot easier to hit people with weapons than to hit them with real wrestling moves.

Pigeon: Now, when you say 'wrestling moves,' are you referring to yourself using these moves? Because I've yet to see it in any of your matches.

Death: Funny guy. You won't be so funny when I shove this giant bony foot up your ass. I've killed BILLIONS of people. What have you done? You're some lame announcer. So shut up and let me talk to a real announcer.

Death: Thanks, Death.

Death: No problem, Death. Anyway. And remember this, Pigeon. When you're dead, you're dead for LIFE!

Death: Pigeon, beware. Death is coming for you! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a granny to kill.

[Backstage, Pigeon is flapping his arms in preparation of...his entrance? I don't know. "BigBOSS" walks up to him.]

"BigBOSS": I can't say that I'm a little concerned.

Pigeon: Why's that? Because you don't want either Death or me to be the face of your pathetic organization?

"BigBOSS": No. I'm more scared of what Sarah is going to do to the winner of this match at the next show.

Pigeon: I'm not afraid of Sarah. I haven't been afraid of anything since Road Warrior Hawk died. Unless, of course, there is a wrestler named Peregrine Falcon, I'll never have anything to fear. But BigBOSS. I may be dumb. I may smell. And I might like to poo on people's heads. But there is one thing Pigeon wants to be remembered for more than anything else.

"BigBOSS": What's that?

Pigeon: Banging Michelle Vincent.

"BigBOSS": Oh. I thought you were going to say something about being a champion.

Pigeon: Being the champion of a fake sport? Please. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm going to try to win. But it won't get me any more money or laid any more.

"BigBOSS": Maybe you'd get laid more if you showered once in a while.

Pigeon: You think?

[Back to ringside.]

Styles: It's time to get to more action!

[The big screen TV lights up.]

Styles: What's this?

NH: I don't remember writing this.

[Grainy footage appears on the screen.]

Styles: It's Atomo!

[He is sitting in front of a hooded person.]

Atomo: HELLO-AMERICA. I-AM-BEING-HELD-AT-A-SAFE-HOUSE-IN-MIDDLE-EASTERN-AMERICA. IT'S-VERY-NICE-HERE. THE-MAN-WHO-TOOK-ME-SAID-I-WILL-BE-RETURNED-TO-BOB-ONLY-WHEN-ALAN-QAIDA-IS-GRANTED-A-POP-UP-ADS-CRASHED-MY-COMPUTER-TITLE-CHAMPIONSHIP-MATCH. I-DON'T-KNOW-WHY-HE-DEMANDS-THIS. I'M-ONLY-TELLING-YOU-WHAT-HE-TELLS-ME-TO-SAY. AND-BY-HE-I-IN-NO-WAY-MEAN-TO-SAY-THAT-ALAN-QAIDA-IS-MAKING-ME-SAY-THIS. NO-SIREE. AND-HE-SURE-ISN'T-THE-ONE-WHO-KIDNAPPED-ME-EITHER.

Atomo: ANYWAY. HE-HAS-SET-A-DEADLINE-OF-THE-NEXT-BOB-SHOW-FOR-YOU-TO-GIVE-INTO-HIS-DEMAND. OTHERWISE-HE-WILL-KIDNAP-ANOTHER-MEMBER-OF-THE-BOB-ROSTER. AND-HE-WILL-CONTINUE-TO-KIDNAP-PEOPLE-UNTIL-HIS-DEMAND-IS-MET. I-AM-IN-GOOD-HEALTH-AND-HAVE-ALL-THE-OIL-I-COULD-DREAM-OF. BUT-SERIOUSLY-DON'T-RUSH-OR-ANYTHING-BECAUSE-THIS-IS-MUCH-BETTER-THAN-THE-BOB-LIFE. TAKE-AS-LONG-AS-YOU-NEED-TO-FIGURE-OUT-WHEN-ALAN-QAIDA-CAN-GET-HIS-TITLE-MATCH. I'LL-JUST-KEEP-LIVING-THE-GOOD-LIFE-OF-A-CAPTIVE.

[The tape goes to static.]

Styles: Wow. Chilling words there. Atomo is going through a horrific ordeal. I hope BigBOSS can get Atomo home to us, and whoever took him captive, well, he should pay in some sort of brutal fashion. Maybe in a barbed wire match or something.

NH: Anyway, I think it's time for our main event finally.

Styles: But first, let's take a quick look at the Mail Order Valet contestants! Oh, baby!

NH: Styles, stop drooling on those photos. Anyway, fans, up next, it's Death versus Pigeon. THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS will be decided! Stay tuned!


This commercial.


[Death and Pigeon are already in the ring, since we sure don't need to see another entrance by them this morning. Heidi is also in the ring.]

NH: This is the main event, and it is for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Which, this morning, will be represented by, uh...my top!

[Heidi takes off her top, getting cheers from the few remaining men in the audience who haven't already given up on the show, and hands it to the Generic Foot Locker Employee. Instead of holding it up, he sniffs it deeply.]

NH: Introducing first, the challenger. This is Pigeon! And his opponent, this is Death!

Death: Does that mean I'm already the champion?

NH: No. Not until you win this match.

Death: But, even then, won't I just be the HEIDI'S TOP champion? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

NH: Would you please look at my face when you talk to me?

Death: How can you tell where I'm looking? I just have two gaping holes for eyes!

NH: Can we just start the match?

Pigeon: If he wins that, can I wrestle you for the HEIDI'S BRA title?

NH: Eww, no! Please, stop hitting on me. You're both so bad at it.

[Heidi leaves the ring.]

Death: Look what you did. You made her leave.

Pigeon: I made her leave? Do you have any idea what it's like to be hit on by a walking fossil?

Death: My ex-wife hit on you? That WHORE!

Styles: And here we go! Death starts off, uncharacteristically, with a knee lift as his first offensive move. And there's another one. And another. Death whips Pigeon into the ropes. Big boot...NO!

*SNAPCRACKLEPOP!!!*

Styles: OH MY GOD!!! Death just splintered into pieces!

*THUD*

Pigeon: Holy crap! I just killed Death!

NH: What happened? I was just getting my headset on and missed it!

Styles: Death was trying for a big foot, but Pigeon countered with a baseball slide to his foot that was still on the mat, causing the snap noise. Death did an unintentional split, causing the crackle noise. And then, suddenly, Death just got the biggest pop of his life, but sadly, it was from his own body! The impact shattered his body into nothing but bones!

Death's Skull: Dude....this SO hurts...

Styles: No Pigeon is piling Death's bones into a big pile. He's got it covered. Damnit! Where's the ref?

NH: Oh no! He's right there. Look! Death's finger bone is lodged in his eye socket.

Styles: Oh my god! Our referee is DEAD! Nobody can make the count for Pigeon!

Death's Skull: Looks like I get the last laugh again! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Styles: What a shocking end to this edition of Chloroform!

NH: Think we're going to get fired?

Styles: Probably. Anyway, catch us next week for a repeat, and eventually, we'll have another new episode! For Nurse Heidi, this is Styles saying--

Death's Skull: Anybody have any duct tape?


©2006 BOB Wrestling! As if you'd want to put this crap on YouTube!

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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