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Sunday Morning Chloroform 34

DeathSteve StudnutsSeth HarkerKay FabeDustbuster BoyJohn "Skeeter" SkeetSteve Leary

[Fade in on a door. Room 1707. The camera heads inside to find Death, Seth Harker, Steve Studnuts, John Skeet, Steve Leary, Dustbuster Boy and Kay Fabe scattered around the room.]

Death: Alright, now that everybody is here...everybody meaning Clive. (Death looks at the camera.) Clive, if my eyesockets had eyes, they'd be expressing disappointment, instead of just black hollowness.

Clive. Sorry. There are no clocks anywhere in this town.

Death: Anyway. Trey Vincent is gone. Gone forever.

Kay Fabe: He died?

Death: No. I just meant he's not employed here anymore.

KF: Then why are we talking about him?

Death: Because, it's time for me to take a new leadership role in the Skull & Bones Society. THE leadership role, actually. And so the fans will finally accept me as the top heel of BOB, I need to win the big Battle Royale this morning, and then, win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Steve Studnuts: You? *Pffft* Jerkweed, last time I saw you in a main event, you were getting jobbed out to a friggin' girl. You really think you should be leading anything other than maybe a Girl Scout meeting these days?

[Skeeter and Leary laugh. That is, until they notice Death staring at them.]

Leary: You're the man, Death!

Death: So, what, YOU want to be the new boss, Steve?

SS: Please. I'm the man who started the iAd. The only reason I ain't already the champ is because Trey's hard-on for Sarah got in the way.

KF: There's a mental image I'd like to burn from my memory.

Death: Steve, you'll probably blow out your shoulder lifting a bottle of water.

Seth Harker: Children, please. It's obvious that you need a revolutionary leader.

SS: Seth, buddy, you can't even get a friggin' tan, and you think you can be the face of the Skull & Bones Society? Hell, Death has a darker tan than you, and he's only got a skull.

SH: What does a tan have to do with anything?

SS: You're a fucking cruiserweight!

Death: Tell you what, Seth. Why don't you come back in the sequel after all the good characters are dead.

KF: Seth doesn't have to sit here and take this.

SS: Now you're letting your woman fight your battles for you?

SH: No.

Death: I thought Eliza was his woman.

Seth: Hey!

KF: Damnit! Seth, we're going. This is over. And boys, might I remind you that you don't want to piss off a powerful Wicca. Con questo sigh magico, lasci le loro voci ottenere alte. *Sigh*

SH: This morning, I'm going to win the number one seed in the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS tournament. Then I'll show you who's the boss.

Death: (Helium voice) Beat it, Tony Danza! Hey! What the hell!

[Leary, Skeeter and Dustbuster Boy break out in hysterics.]

SS: (Helium voice) Ha ha! Oh shit! Damn you, bitch! I don't want to sound like a munchkin!

Kay: Yeah, you guys are badasses. (She rolls her eyes.)

[Seth and Kay leave the room.]

Death: (Helium voice) That's enough. (He clears his throat to no effect.) Oh, I'm so gonna kill her once I make her reverse this spell. Which she better do, or I'll kill her. Leary, Skeeter, SHUT UP!

[They keep laughing.]

Death: (Helium voice) That's it! You're out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

SS: (Helium voice) So this is how it ends?

Death: (Helium voice) No. How it ends later is with me killing your ass.

SS: I thought it ended with me jamming that scythe up your ass.

Death: (Helium voice) I don't even have an ass, jackass.

SS: (Helium voice) Beat it jerkweed. This morning, I'll show you why you ain't even in the same area code as Steve Studnuts.

Death: (Helium voice) You live in Phoenix. What do you expect?

[Death leaves.]

SS: (Helium voice) People fucking suck.

Sunday Morning Chloroform Logo

It Ain't GLOW!

[Cut to an aerial view of Sin City. Then cut to a shot of the world-famous Riviera Hotel! "Chloroform The One You Love" by Flickerstick plays as various clips of the current roster are highlighted. The camera cut inside to BOB's new home, the BOB Ballroom at the Riviera Hotel. A crowd of fans sat or stood around not doing much of anything.]

Mike Monroe: Hello everyone. And welcome to Sunday Morning Chloroform. I am Mike Monroe and, Scotty, it's good to be back.

Scotty Whatbody: Yeah. I should've known you'd be back once I heard that soup kitchen closed down. I heard you also got evicted from your cardboard box so you had to literally crawl into BigBOSS's office to get your job back.

MM: Yeah, I appreciate how nice you were, donating the ashes from your car ash tray as you drove by.

SW: C'mon. People in Africa would be grateful for such generosity.

MM: What do you know about charity?

SW: I donate to charity all the time.

MM: Really? Which one?

SW: You know, Charity! The blonde stripper at the titty bar down the street. Oh, the things she does to that pole. But, Mikey, doesn't it feel good to know that you put Heidi and Styles out of their jobs?

MM: No.

SW: Really? It makes me feel all fuzzy. Those guys sucked! I'm way funnier. They couldn't even do a decent dookie joke.

MM: They got other jobs. Heidi's doing the ring announcing and Styles is the backstage interviewer. But enough about us. How about the Skull & Bones Society crumbling before our eyes?

SW: Yeah. And Studnuts and Death's manhood before our ears. Maybe they'll sing "We're Off To See The Wizard" later during their entrances. Come to think of it, Harker, Death and Studnuts are a little like the Scarecrow, Tin Man and the Lion.

MM: Really?

SW: Yeah. Harker needs a tan. Death needs some charisma. And Studnuts needs a shoulder!

MM: Well fans, we've got three big matches this morning.

SW: Yeah, three Battle Royales.

MM: Over the next several weeks, BOB will be holding tournaments for ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, the Swiss Army Belt and the T&A XX Division Title. The winners of these Battle Royales this morning will earn the number one seed. And we'll be right back with the Swiss Army Belt Battle Royale.

Styles (Voice): Promotional consideration paid for by the following:


XXXtreme Machine

Nurse Heidi: The opening contest is the Swiss Army Belt Battle Royale. Introducing first...

Voice-over: r u rede>

[The Fingerbang XXX theme song begins playing. XXXtreme Machine emerges carrying his signature pry bar.]

NH: From North Dakota, this is XXXtreme Machine!

SW: Gah! How is this guy a contender for anything that doesn't include the phrase "most annoying jackoff ever"?

MM: The roster is a bit thin at the moment.

SW: Crap. Are we in this match? If XXXtreme Machine is in it, we MUST be contenders for that belt.

MM: I guess we'll have to wait and find out.

SW: Oh, don't give him the microphone, Heidi!

XM: sin sitee r u redee!!?

[Crowd collectively asks, "Huh?"]

XM: ahy sed R U REDEE!!!

Crowd: No!

XM: den 4 tuh 100z n uh10duhns n tuh 100z wochen @ hohm lllllllllletz git redee 2 SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK!

Crowd: BOOOOO!

SW: Oh, rip a quad muscle, will you?

Dustbuster Boy

["Suck it Up" by hed(pe) plays.]

NH: And entry number two. From North, South Caroline. Dustbuster Boy, Esquire!

SW: Speaking of sucking.

MM: Isn't Dustbuster Boy your cousin?

SW: Crap, I can't remember. Does anybody remember if Dustbuster Boy is my cousin, or is it Snapmare Kid?

MM: You're just hoping that Kay will come out here and spank you, aren't you?

SW: Aren't you?

MM: ...

SW: I'll take that as a yes. Some guys just never learn. The chick doesn't like you, Mikey. Oh, hold on. Hey, Heidi! You'll never believe what happened last night. I was surfing online and jacked off to some chick who looks like you! Want to make my fantasy a reality?


SW: Hey! No throwing microphones at the talent.

NH: You're not talent.

MM: Well, Heidi forgot to introduce him, but Dustbuster Boy has hit the ring. And here we go. Only way to win is to not be thrown over the top rope and have your feet touch the floor.

DB: Sweet! Glad I wore boots!

SW: Your boots count, dumbass.

DB: Dude, where's the love?

SW: You suck!

[Dustbuster Boy revs his dustbuster at Scotty.]

SW: What are you gonna do? Tidy me to death?

MM: You better be careful. Next week, you may have to wrestle him. And I hate it when color commentators have to wrestle.

SW: Whatever. I'll bring my mop and wipe the floor with it. Wait...

MM: Ah, reunited and it feels so good. And here we go. These two guys are pounding on each other with fists and feet.

SW: Yeah. They have pretty limited abilities. Probably good to get the dead weight out early.

MM: Dustubuster Boy is a former Swiss Army Belt holder.

SW: Yeah, but so is...well, actually, he was the worst Swiss Army champ EVER. I miss Viet Kong.

MM: And there's an xxxtreme body slam. And an xxxtreme elbow drop. And oh what an xxxtreme stomp.

SW: Will you stop it. I hate it when somebody says something is extreme when it's just run-of-the-mill horseshit. *cough*ecw*cough*

MM: Scotty, you're more bitter than ever.

SW: I'm no more bitter than your wife when you were trying to bone Kay Fabe.

MM: Have to keep going there, don't you?

SW: Oh yeah. I like twisting the knife repeatedly.

MM: Oh, XXXtreme Machine just missed a high knee and crotched himself on the top rope.

SW: Dusty should drag him up and down the top rope, give him a rope burn that blue-haired retard will never forget.

MM: Dustbuster's trying to toss XXXtreme, but XXXtreme shows some xxxtreme tenacity in this xxxtreme match. BOB is so xxxtreme.

SW: If it's so "xxxtreme," Dusty should be bashing in Machine's skull with that stupid dustbuster.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Steve Leary

["Better Days" by Tadpole plays.]

MM: It's Steve Leary. This should favor fellow Suck-Ups member Dustbuster...

[XXXtreme Machine and Dustbuster Boy step aside, let Leary rush by and then use his own momentum to send him flying over the top rope to the floor.

MM: ...Or not...

SW: Huh. I guess even the Suck-Ups are falling apart. I guess it's tough to get a push when Trey's ass is in a coma. And his wife is now in charge. And she hates all Trey's friends. Did I mention Trey is a total fuckwit? Because he totally is. I hope he never wakes up.

MM: That's horrible to say.

SW: Yeah, well, I'm dead inside.

MM: XXXtreme spear by XXXtreme Machine. He drags up Dusty and whips him into the ropes. XXXtreme spinebuster.

SW: As Mike continues to be xxxtremely annoying.

MM: Well, at least my fantasy doesn't involve a naked woman staring at me while I have sex with myself.

SW: What's wrong with that fantasy? Next you'll be telling me it's wrong to kick her out of the motel room when you're done.

MM: Do you even let her get dressed?

SW: What do I care? And what does this have to do with anything?

MM: You're right.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Snapmare Kid

Voice-over: Voice-over: r u rede>

[The Fingerbang XXX theme song begins playing.]

MM: It's the Snapmare Kid. The other half of Fingerbang XXX. And now it's a double team. Snapmare. Snapmare. It's a hat trick of snapmares. And SMK has taken over. Oh no. The Machine just grabbed the pry bar. And SMK's got Dusty all tied up for a wide open shot. He's defenseless.

SW: Gee, what could POSSIBLY mishappen here?

MM: Dusty ducks. But XXXtreme Machine doesn't hit SMK by accident.

SW: He doesn't?

MM: Oh. Low blow on XXXtreme Machine by Dustbuster Boy from his back. Dusty rips the pry bar from the Machine's hands.

SW: Whoa! Nice swing. Now bash in SMK's head. And break his snapmaring arm.

MM: Dustbuster Boy has just laid out both members of FXXX.

SW: in approved blading position.

MM: Both members of FXXX are bleeding.

SW: Sweet!

MM: And now Dustbuster Boy grabs his dustbuster.

SW: Great move, genius. Drop a pry bar in exchange for a cheap-ass dustbuster.

MM: He's waiting on XXXtreme Machine to get up. And...oh, SMK just grabbed the dustbuster. Snapmare on the dustbuster?

XM: ha u fuhkin ideeuht hit tat fuker w/tee dusbusr!!!

SMK: Oh, right.

MM: Oh, Dustbuster gets the jump on SMK. He's got him up for the Suck You. Oh, but XXXtreme Machine just broke the dustbuster on Dusty's face.

SW: Damn, look at all the dust flying. And speaking of dust flying, Dusty just went flying over the top rope to the floor.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Little Good

["Too Drunk To Fuck" by Dead Kennedys plays. Out comes Little Good to little pop.]

SW: Man, I haven't seen a wrestling crowd this disinterested since December To Dismember. Can't anybody get a decent pop?

MM: In all fairness, we promised most of these people free quarters for attending the show.

SW: Seriously? Can I change my job to fan, then?

MM: Of course not. Little Good is circling the ring. He realizes it's a two-on-one situation.

SW: And unless he's with Sarah and some other chick, he wouldn't be in any hurry to take part.

MM: It looks like he's taking a cigarette break.

XM: git n her u chiknsit!!!

[Little Good looks at Heidi.]

LG: I'd gladly get in you, love.

NH: Oh yeah?

LG: Whaddya say. Me. You. A box of wine. I've got a crypt on the outskirts of town.

NH: Did you say a crypt?

LG: Rent's cheap. Company's quiet.

NH: What about Sarah?

LG: Sarah? Please. That's so over, pet.

SMK: Hey, Little Good. The Bloody Awful. Whatever your name is. I think everybody in Sin City's got two words for ya?


SW: What a bad idea THAT was.

MM: BOB's trying to make a buzz.

SW: If they want to make a buzz, it's simple. Serve alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. But seriously, if they want a way to make money, they should put some frigging slots in the corner. And charge outrageous ticket prices to get in here. Then you'll see a packed house and be making money cash over ass.

SMK You afraid of us, Little Good?

LG: Uh, no. Come here. Let me show you how afraid I am.

[SMK approaches Little Good. Little Good hops up on the apron and smashes a bottle over his head.]


MM: It's the old tell him to come close and then smash a bottle over his head trick.

[SMK sells it like he was shot, flying backward a few feet, then kicking and twitching on the mat.]

SW: That didn't defy physics or anything.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Insano Mano

["Mexican Hat Dance" by the Arriba Brothers plays.]

MM: Insano Mano is here. He springboards and connects with a somersault double European arm drag. Mano heads up top. 450 dropkick connects on XXXtreme Machine. Wow. Mano back up top. 450 DDT.

SW: Holy crap. Did you see the blood go flying on that impact. That was awesome.

MM: And the crowd is actually coming alive for the first time this morning for this display. Mano heads up top again. Oh, but XXXtreme charges and crotches Mano up top. XXXtreme climbs up now. He's going for the XXXtreme Stunner, but wait. Little Good is in. He punches both guys in the groin.

SW: What is that bloody idiot doing?

MM: Is he going to superplex both men?

SW: Have you SEEN his arms? No way he has the strength to pull off that move.

MM: But wait. Now SMK's up there too. He grabs Little Good by the back of his head. Reverse snapmare from the second rope. Oh, but when Little Good was being flipped over, his feet hit XXXtreme Machine and Mano in the face, and they both just toppled to the floor, eliminating them from the match.

SW: Weird. Very weird offense.

MM: Fans, we'll be right back to find out who will be the number one seed in the Swiss Army Belt tournament. Don't go anywhere.

SW: Unless you need to get a beer or take a piss. Or both.

Announcer: Critics are raving about the latest and greatest reality show. BigBOSS's. "You're Fired!" BigBOSS takes 13 hopeful future BOBsters to random places in the world and fires them for no apparent reason. See BigBOSS fire a newbie in China!

[BigBOSS and some guy are standing in the middle of Tiananmen Square in front of a tank.]

BigB: You're FIRED!

Announcer: See BigBOSS fire a newbie in Russia!

[BigBOSS and some guy are standing in front of the Kremlin.]

BigB: YOU'RE fired!

Announcer: See BigBOSS fire a newbie at Lake Titicaca!

[BigBOSS is with some guy in the middle of a boat.]

BigB: You're fired! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! You're fired! Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Announcer: See BigBOSS fire a newbie at the top of a mountain!

[BigBOSS and some guy are planting a BOB flag at the top of a mountain.]

BigB: You're FIRED...FIRED...FIRED...

Announcer: See BigBOSS fire a newbie before the World Series.

[BigBOSS is at a microphone behind home base with some guy.]

BigB: You'''re...FIRED...FIRED...FIRED!

Announcer: See BigBOSS fire a newbie in space!

[BigBOSS and some guy are randomly floating around in space suits.]

BigB: *Mouths the words *you're fired"*

Announcer: And remember, in space, nobody can hear you say, "You're FIRED!" BigBOSS's presents "You're Fired." Coming this summer to Comedy Central!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


MM: Welcome back fans.

Uber Vampire Warrior

["Goliath and the Vampires" by Monster Magnet plays.]

MM: It's Uber Vampire Warrior, making his return to Brawlers On a Budget.

SW: Looks like the suck factor continues. He sucks blood and he sucks at wrestling.

MM: Fans, during the break, you missed the elimination of John "Skeeter" Skeet. He was snapmared over the top rope, ironically by Little Good. Little Good and Snapmare Kid have been trading punches and snapmares since then.

SW: Little Good's out!

MM: No. Little Good just rolled under the bottom rope. He's still in it.

SW: I'm so lucky I didn't decide to wear my fangs and white puffy shirt this morning. I'd be so embarrassed right now.

MM: Uber Vamp making his first appearance in BOB since, well, it was two years ago I believe after a brutal war with Sarah "The Jobber Slayer." Little Good telling SMK to turn around.

SMK: Ahhh!

[SMK runs and eliminates himself over the top rope.]

LG: Stupid git. (He lights up a cigarette.) Hey, mate, you're really scary and all, but I need a smoke. See you in a bit, yeah?

UVW: Hmm-hmm-hm-hmm.

[Now Uber Vamp gets out of the ring. He hops the Flimsy Guardrail.]

MM: What the...

SW: Holy crap! He's totally biting that chick in the front. But he's got great taste in women!

MM: This is sick. Why won't anybody help her?

SW: It's 2007. You could rape a nun at noon in the middle of anywhere and no zombies would notice.

LG: I'm on a smoke break. Why don't you go break it up then, Captain Babyface?

Crowd: 10, 9...

SW: Saved by the countdown.

Crowd: 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.



["The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground plays. Out walks Logonoa with Generic Foot Locker Employee.]

MM: And Logonoa's going right for Little Good. He just ate Little Good's cigarette.

LG: Bloody hell! You know how much those bloody smokes cost?

SW: No wonder why Logonoa is so fat. He eats anything.

MM: Logo tosses Little Good in the ring. Chop.

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Crowd: Wooooo! 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


SW: Holy crap. Little Good has just been chopped for two straight minutes.

["Disney Mambo #5" plays.]

SW: The hell? BOB hired Mickey Mouse?

MM: That isn't THE Mickey. It must be a man inside a costume.

SW: Ya think, Captain Dumbass?

MM: And look at Logonoa. He's stopped chopping Little Good's chest into hamburger and is staring at Mickey.

SW: Logonoa used to work at Disneyworld. He must hate any reminder of that experience. By the way, according to this morning's Wall Street Urinal, Disneyworld and the sweatshops in China that manufacture just about everything in your home right now just narrowly beat BOB out for the worst working conditions for 2007.

[Mickey gets in the ring.]

MM: Logo charges at Mickey, but Mickey pulls a Donald and ducks.

SW: (Sarcastic) Har-har-har.

MM: Logonoa just flew over the top rope to the floor.

[Mickey rips off the costume mask.]

Dr. Thrilla

SW: It's Dr. Thrilla! Haha, brilliant! Thrilla tosses the Mickey head at the idiot Logonoa. Who begins eating the head of Mickey Mouse.

MM: But lookout. Uber Vamp just tossed Thrilla out in mid-celebration.

LG: *Wheeze* Bloody *wheeze* hell!

MM: And Uber Vamp takes Little Good down with a clothesline. Little Good is cowering in the corner. Uber Vamp going in for the kill. Vamp choking Little Good with his boot.

SW: Why doesn't Little Good fight back? Say, do you smell smoke?

MM: I do. It's Uber Vamp. Little Good set Uber Vamp's shirt on fire.

LG: Bet that just burns you up, don' it?

UVW: *Hissss*


MM: Thankfully, here comes The Flunky and a fire extinguisher.

SW: Now THAT'S extreme.

LG: Hey, aren't you supposed to go poof or somethin'? Bloody hell.

MM: Little Good charges, but Uber Vamp's got him. Belly to belly underhook suplex, and Little Good is tossed to the floor. He's out of the match.

SW: Damn.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Patrick Fitzgerald

["Traditional Irish Folk Song" by Denis Leary plays.]

MM: Patrick Fitzgerald. Here's a man who has never backed away from a fight. Or a pint. Or anything really.

SW: Except maybe a shower. The guy smells like he's been living in an ashtray for two years.

MM: And Patrick is going right after Uber Vamp. He is pounding Uber Vamp hard.

SW: Yeah, Patrick loves pounding guys hard. *Snicker*

MM: The Irishman who calls San Francisco home mounts Uber Vamp and is raining down punches.

SW: *Snort* Yeah, he loves mounting men, too.

[Patrick pauses and looks around.]

PF: Whaddre y'all lookin' aht?

Everyone: Nothing!

PF: Feckin' feckers!

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Rob Van Spam

["Walk (Python, Monty Spam Remix)" plays.

MM: It's Mr. Send Us Money, Rob Van Spam.

SW: Crap. I forgot to put on my spam filter.

[RVS walks down the aisle, handing out various papers to the crowd for discount drugs, discount computer software and promises of riches from Nigeria. Eventually, he gets around to Scotty and hands him something.]

SW: Cheap Viagra? Who needs that crap? (he says, putting the paper in his pocket)

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Gerald Fitzpatrick

["Traditional Irish Folk Song" by Denis Leary plays.]

MM: And here comes Gerald Fitzpatrick, the other half of the Crazy Drunken Irish Fags.

SW: is it just me, or--

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


SW: These intervals getting shorter?

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 10987654321.


Mr. ParadoxAxl Van HalenAlan Qaida

MM: And, uh, here comes Mr. Paradox, Axl Van Halen and Alan Qaida. And that's everybody who still has a chance at getting the number one seed in the Swiss Army Belt tournament. We'll be right back and see who the winner will be.

Living In Sin

[As we return, a pile has been formed in the middle of the ring. On the bottom layer are Uber Vamp and Alan Qaida. On top of them are Axl Van Halen and Mr. Paradox. And on top of all of them is Rob Van Spam.]

MM: Gerald and Patrick are up top. Double splash. Wow. What impact. Patrick picks up Rob Van Spam.

SW: Holy fuck! That is the gayest move I've ever seen! BWAHAHAHAHA!

MM: He calls it the Stunt Rider Stretch.

SW: He should've called it Dry Sodomy. Damn.

MM: Hurricanrana by Gerald. Gerald whips RVS toward Patrick. Back body drop over the top rope, and RVS is eliminated.

SW: Woohoo! Got my spam blocker working again.

MM: Now Gerald and Patrick pick up Uber Vamp. Whoa. They've got him up for a double gorilla press slam. And there goes Uber Vamp to the floor.

SW: Too bad he couldn't turn into a vampire bat. He couldn't blown right back in the ring and bitten both of them.


MM: Gerald eats a chair.


MM: And so does Patrick.

SW: Qaida throws chairs like they're fastballs.

MM: And now, Qaida, Van Halen and Paradox are beating up on the Fags.

SW: Isn't fag bashing a hate crime?

MM: If it is, you should be in a lot of trouble for some of the things you've said over the years.

SW: But this is just fiction. I don't really believe the things I say. Well, unless they're about fags, because fags suck.

MM: I guess, technically, that's true.

SW: Ha!

MM: Axl Van Halen has Gerald up and Paradox has Patrick up.

SW: Yeah! Powerbomb them to the floor! (Scotty goes off mic and puts a red target on the floor.) RIGHT HERE!

MM: Was that necessary? This may be lights out time, but no. Gerald and Patrick reverse into hurricanranas. Paradox and Axl crash to the floor.

SW: Damn. Try to help a fellow heel out.

MM: Qaida with a dropkick to both Fags. And they fall on top of Van Halen and Paradox. Alan Qaida scores another victory over the great Satan.

SW: Only in BOB would fans cheer a terrorist.

MM: And with that, Alan Qaida becomes the number one seed for the Swiss Army Belt tournament. But up next, we've got more to decide. Who will be the number one seed in the T&A XX Division tournament? Stay tuned.

NH: The following Battle Royale is for the number one seed in the new T&A XX Division Title! And it is a wet T-shirt and thongs match!


[Crowd cheers loudly.]

SW: I like this new division already. It'll pop the ratings for sure. Cancel your Skinemax, viewers. You won't need it anymore.

Misty Waters

["Fuck and Run" by Liz Phair plays.]

NH: introducing first. From Buttzville, New Jersey, this is Misty Waters.

[Misty walks out in a wet T-shirt and thong to a huge ovation.]

MM: The former Swiss Army Belt holder is looking great this morning.

SW: Screw those lame bra and panties matches or evening gown matches you get in other places. This rules. Oh baby, what a camera shot of Misty getting in the ring! I think I saw lips! Woohoo!

NH: And introducing the second entrant. ME!

Nurse Heidi


MM: Oh my. Nurse Heidi just hit Misty in the head with the microphone. And she tosses Misty over the top rope to the floor.

["Centerfold" by the J. Geils Band hits. Heidi pulls down her skirt to reveal her thong. She then rips off her nurse top and grabs a bottle of water and douses herself.]

SW: Oh baby!

MM: Misty is up and she looks pissed.

SW: Maybe I should go restrain her! Wooohoo!

MM: We'll be right back after this break.

SW: Hopefully with major wardrobe malfunctions!

Anne O'Rexic

[Heidi is in the middle of performing a cartwheel elbow to an unknown woman as we return.]

MM: Welcome back. Heidi is in charge of this Battle Royale right now.

SW: Who is this skinny chick again?

MM: According to my script, that must be Anne O'Rexic.

SW: Jeez, has she even reached puberty yet? I don't see any sign of tits on her.

MM: I'm not sure how old she is. We've employed 4-year-olds before, but I'd imagine she's of age. Oh, there's a drop toe hold into the turnbuckle. That may have knocked Heidi out.

SW: Damn. This girl from Ethiopia or something? I swear I can see her whole damn ribcage. Damn, is that her heart I see beating?

MM: Now what is she doing?

[Anne puts her finger down her throat.]

MM: Oh no. That's her finisher? The Regurgitator?

SW: You know, I'm not as disgusted as I should be. Is that wrong, Mikey?

MM: Very. That is the most disgusting thing I've seen in BOB.

SW: Yeah, but Heidi's spread-eagled and wearing a thong.

MM: She's covered in puke.

SW: I'm a glass half-full kind of guy.

MM: I think BOB should outlaw that move. That's just not right.

SW: Whatever. This isn't a dictatorship.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Katie Vicks

["Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie plays.]

SW: Now who is this? A zombie cheerleader?

MM: Says here her name is Katie. Katie Vicks.

SW: *Groan* You're joking, right? Has BOB been bought by Wrestlecrap?

MM: What? What am I missing?

SW: I just hope nobody screws her brains out in a casket.

MM: Huh? Well, Vicks goes right after O'Rexic. What a face plant.

SW: Well, zombie or whatever, she's still pretty hot. I might consider some necrophilia.

MM: I don't want to hear about it, Scotty.

SW: Uh-oh. Heidi's up, and she looks pissed. She tackles Anne. Oh yeah!

[Cut to Styles backstage.]


[Back to the ring.]

SW: Man, this is brutal.

MM: Uh-oh. Heidi punched Anne in the ribs, but it seems to have hurt Heidi's hand. That could be trouble in this match if she wants to stay alive in the ring. And Vicks with an enzugeri to Heidi.

SW: Must be tenderizing her brains. I love it when three girls are beating the crap out of each other in wet T-shirts and thongs.

MM: Well, get ready for more.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Queen Mylisiv

["Toxic" by Britney Spears plays.]

SW: Damnit, why isn't Queen Mylisiv in a thong or a wet T-shirt? Disqualify her!

[Generic Ref shakes his head "no."]

SW: Why not?

GR: You think I'm crazy? Zeno would probably put me in a sack and leave me in the desert. And I have no sense of direction at all. I lost it in Nam.

SW: You didn't fight in Nam!

GR: Sure did. After the war. Those gooks weren't expecting it then!

MM: Whoa.

SW: BWAHAHAHAHA! We'll have to share war stories later at the bar.

GR: This shirt is 90 percent gook!


MM: That's terrible! You can't say that sort of thing on television. Mylisiv has come in like a house of fire. A dropkick to Heidi. A superkick for O'Rexic. And a shining wizard for Vicks.

SW: Mylisiv is impressiv.

MM: Your joke sure wasn't.

SW: I know. I'm afraid to talk about her like these other girls because none of them have a psycho boyfriend.

MM: I'm sure calling Zeno a psycho will endear you to him.

SW: Crap!

MM: And there goes Heidi. Mylisiv just tossed her over the top rope. Heidi tried to hold on, but that hand she injured punching O'Rexic couldn't keep save her from elimination.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Kay Fabe

["Rising Sun" by Bexta plays.]

MM: Here comes Kay Fabe. And as Kay gets in, Queen Mylisiv has just eliminated Anne with a brutal clothesline. Kay grabs Vicks and tosses her out. Quick work there.

SW: Kay is looking pissed off this morning after hearing Seth getting verbally punked out by her former Skull & Bones mates. So, is she a face or a heel now?

MM: What's it matter? You like all the pretty women.

SW: True. Especially blue-skinned ones.

MM: Sucking up won't save you. Mylisiv and Kay Fabe exchanging punches. Kay whips Mylisiv to the ropes. Queen ducks. Oh, what a kick. And now Mylisiv is just pummeling Kay's body.

SW: Seth won't appreciate that. Unless he likes the abused woman look.

MM: Mylisiv pulls up Kay. She hits a Mylisiv Driver.

SW: Damn. Kay might be a couple inches shorter after that one.

MM: But now it's going to be hard to get Kay up over the top rope. Kay is just dead weight. Mylisiv can't lift her up. Wait. Here comes Seth Harker.

SW: Seth Harker is a woman?

MM: No.

SW: You sure?

MM: Yes.

SW: Because Kay was a lesbo before. Maybe he's like a woman.

MM: Harker can't touch Mylisiv. There is a strict no man on woman violence policy in BOB. Uh-oh. Now here comes Sir Zeno. Harker and Zeno are face to face.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

["Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays.]

MM: And here comes Sarah "The Jobber Slayer."

SW: Oh baby. I've never seen her looking more wet! Or thongier! YES! And did I mention I'm glad Seth didn't come out in a thong?

MM: I think that goes without saying. Generic Ref is trying to get Harker and Zeno to leave the ring. The match has come to a halt. But Sarah just grabbed Harker and tosses him out. And there goes Zeno. And she tosses out Generic Ref.

SW: Dumb move by Sarah. He may be out for minutes now. My screwjobby-sense is tingling.

MM: Harker's back in. He charges at Sarah, but misses. Oh. But he doesn't miss Mylisiv with that leg lariat.

SW: Oh man He nearly took her head off. Both of them.


MM: No. Zeno just obliterated Sarah with that chair shot. What the hell kind of man is he?

SW: A man who probably should've looked into baseball instead of parody wrestling. Yowza.


MM: And there's a shot to Harker. Now Zeno grabs Kay by the throat.

SZ: How much wood would Chuck Woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck wood?

MM: And there it is! Zeno delivers the Eternal Question to Kay Fabe.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Eliza "The Jobber Slayer"

["Chinese Burn" by Curve plays.]

SW: Wow. She doesn't look half bad for a both chick. No wonder Seth has been checking her out.

Eliza: AHHHH!

MM: Eliza's in the ring. She ducks a clothesline by Zeno. She ducks a spin kick. Oh, but now he's got her. Zeno is about ready to deliver another Eternal Question. No. Low blow by Harker. Harker just saved Eliza from the Eternal Question.

SW: Odd, I didn't see him rush to save his girlfriend Kay.

MM: He was knocked out by the chair shot.

SW: Sure he was. Uh-huh.

MM: Seth tackles Zeno through the ropes. Uh-oh. Queen Mylisiv just eliminated Kay Fabe. And now she dumps out Eliza. And there goes Sarah. Queen Mylisiv wins.

SW: But Generic Ref is still down on the floor. Whoa. Sarah's a bloody mess. Damn. Can we get a replay of that chair shot by Zeno?

MM: Of course not. Did you forget what company we work for?

SW: Friggin' cheap-ass BOB.

MM: Queen Mylisiv just realized there's no bell. Now she's going out to get Generic Ref.

SW: Sarah just crawled back into the ring.

MM: Mylisiv seems to have revived Generic Ref. But Sarah's got the chair that Zeno blasted her with earlier.


MM: Mylisiv is down. Generic Ref is up. Sarah's the only one left in the ring. Sarah wins.

SW: Wow, what a cheater. What a rack. What an ass. Woohoo! I love T&A.

MM: Fans, in just a couple of minutes it's main event time. Don't miss it.

[Some rap beats play. We fade in on an empty set.]

Announcer: Whizzle thizzle dizzle fizzles! Layizzle-Zizzle izzle comizzle tizzle BOBizzle! Yossle thizzle sozzizzile lazizzle thizzle dizzle shizzle foshizzle thishizzle prizzle!

Caption: Lay-Z. Coming soon to BOB!

[Back to ringside.]

MM: Welcome back fans. It's now time for--

Alex Smith

[Alex Smith with a bullhorn interrupts the proceedings.]

AS: 9/11 was an inside job! 9/11 was an inside job! 9/11 was an inside job! 9/11 was an inside job?

SW: Oh great, looks like Alex has a new conspiracy-nut gimmick.

AS: The globalists are preparing to wage war on you! All of you! The United States, the world, even right here in BOB! An elite international banking crime syndicate of shape-shifting reptilian blood suckers are plotting to enslave you all in a totalitarian state. They want to take your liberty away. They want you to become slaves and use you like in the Matrix until you are used up making them money. 9/11 was the catalyst and their power and reach is only expanding. It won't end until you're living in a police state under martial law.

AS: My name is Alex Smith. Visit or See how your government has deceived you. God is on our side! We will defeat the Zionist World Order!

Alan QaidaRob Van Spam

[Elsewhere, backstage to Styles, who is with Rob Van Spam and Alan Qaida.]

Styles: Well, Alan, you won the number one seed in the tournament. You must be pretty happy.

RVS: (Steals the mic) Mikey Styles, trust me, you don't want to talk to Alan Qaida. The only thing more painful than listening to Alan Qaida speak is to watch him botch spots in the ring.

[Qaida lunges at RVS, buty Styles holds him back.]

RVS: I know, I know, but don't worry about Mr. Send Us Money, Rob Van Spam. By the time the next BOB-On-Demand rolls around, Rob Van Spam will be in the finals of that Swiss Army Belt tournament. And if I have to beat the crapulent, flatulent, detriment to our sport, Alan Qaida, I will. Because I'm Rob Van Spam, everyone's favorite parody. Don't lose your chance. Buy meds at a low price! Drunk babe fucks a bartender. Father's household are more or Gentiles should go well.

Styles: I think that's quite enough. My bulk mail is full enough as it is.

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"Eliza "The Jobber Slayer"Kay Fabe

[Elsewhere, Sarah is getting stitched up backstage.]

STJS: Owee. Who taught you to do this? Dr. Mengele?

[Eliza walks in.]

Eliza: Aww, poor baby got a boo-boo. Hahahahahaha. One bloody Sarah. Two bloody Sarah. Three bloody Sarahhhhh!

[Kay Fabe grabs Eliza from behind by her hair.]

KF: Listen you little white trash goth. If you get within one inch of my man ever again--

STJS: One inch?

KF: ...there is going to be a problem. Got it?

[Eliza puts her thumbs in her ears and wiggles her fingers, mocking Kay's speech.]

KF: Naked be. (She snaps her fingers.)

[Eliza looks down. She screams and covers up her goodies.]

STJS: Wow, Eliza seems to be starring in The Naked City. Good one, Kay.

[Kay glares at Sarah.]

STJS: Oh, please. I have no interest in Seth. And, we aren't friends anymore, are we?

KF: If it comes down to you and me, and I'm pretty sure it will, you're gonna see that I'm not just a sidekick anymore. The only thing sidekicking about me will be me sidkicking your butt.

STJS: Got it. One big ol' asskicking coming my way. No worries. Because I'd still be ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. And whether I have that title or the T&A XX Division title, I'll always be a champion.

KF: Oh, go suck a banana.

Sir Zeno

NH: The following Battle Royale is for the number one seed in the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS tournament. Introducing, the first guy...

["Narayan" by Prodigy plays.]

NH: From Dimension Z, this is Sir Zeno!

SW: I wish Heidi was still wearing her wet T-shirt and thong.

MM: She probably is under her nurse outfit.

SW: Ah, what a wonderful mental picture.

NH: And participant number two.

Seth Harker

["Rising Sun" by Bexta hits. Harker steps out but then suddenly "Superman's" his way to the ring.]

SW: Whoa. Trippy.

MM: And the fight is on again. These guys were fighting during our last match, and they're off and brawling again. Zeno swinging wildly, but Harker just blocking all his punches with ease.

SW: Whoops, Harker missed that low blow. Haha. And that spinebuster.

MM; Zeno trying to punch Harker, but Zeno only connecting with the mat. And Zeno's getting frustrated.

SW: Maybe I should give him this offer for cheap Viagra. And why in the hell is Unit 5 in this match? Isn't Unit 5 still in the shop?

MM: You're right. That's rather odd. I guess we don't have enough employees yet.

SW: That is so sad.

[Meanwhile, outside of the hotel, a taxicab pulls up to the entrance. The camera is at door level. The back door opens and bangs into the camera.]

SW: Great camerawork. Sure hope that Special Ed Movie Class keeps pumping out such top notch camera monkeys because there is nothing better than that view of the sky. Let me tell you.

MM: I wonder who could have been in that taxi. Could it have been Unit 5?

SW: You ever tried to put a washing machine into the back seat of a car? Trust me, it doesn't work. And why are we still outside? Who's directing this show?

[Back to the ring.]

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


[Nobody's music plays. Nobody walks down.]

MM: Hurricanrana by Harker. Spinning wheel kick connects. Harker grabs Zeno. Catapult. Zeno could go out here.

SW: He held on. Zeno is on the apron. Harker misses a big punch. Slingshot DDT by Zeno. Zeno is my pick to go the distance.

MM: He must last through thirteen more entrants however. Zeno choking Harker on the bottom rope now.

SW: That may not eliminate Harker, but it'll teach him for trying to get in Queen Mylisiv's panties.

MM: What?

SW: Isn't that why they're pissed at each other?

MM: No.

SW: Oh. Well, I was distracted by Sarah's crotch when that fight broke out.

MM: All Seth did was come out here to check on his girlfriend--

SW: Oh yeah, and to save Eliza, don't forget. Seth is a man whore.

MM: Zeno whips Harker into the ropes. Oh, what a spear by Zeno.

SW: Now is the time. Get that freak airbound.

MM: That's what he's trying to do. But Harker comes back with punches. Oh, what a superkick. Both men are down, exhausted after this long battle.

SW: Man, the next guy out should be able to clear the ring easily. Unless it's some retard like Hallucination Boy.

Wig Show

[Meanwhile, Wig Show, er, the San Francisco Giant was in a hallway somewhere backstage.]

SFG: *Sniff sniff* Mmm. Do I smell ham?

[He walks around the corner.]

SFG: Oh, it's you. What are you?


[Blue lights flash. Back to the ring.]

SW: What the hell just happened to that fat porker?

MM: I don't know. It sounded like he got zapped.

SW: Duuuuuh.


Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


["Killed by Death" by Motorhead plays.]

SW: Holy crap. How did all the good wrestlers get such crappy entries?

MM: Death is on his way out. And he's no fan of either of these guys at the moment.

SW: I hold out hope that Death and Seth can work it out. Their names rhyme after all. They're Skull & Bones 'til death, yo!

MM: Til Death, anyway. Death grabs Zeno. Sideslam.

SW: No, Death, no!

MM: He whips Harker to the ropes. Big bony foot to Harker's face. And now Zeno eats a foot.

[Meanwhile, in the hotel lobby...]

Concierge: I say, who set this potted plant on fire?

[Back to the ring.]

SW: What the HELL is going on? Hell is breaking loose all over the Riviera.

MM: Death has Zeno in the corner. Knee lift. Another knee lift. Oh, and there's an elbow shot to his face.

SW: Death has the boniest elbows on the planet. He's the boniest entity on the planet.

MM: He whips Zeno to the other corner. Here comes a running, oh, Harker just dropkicked Death. Harker now whips Death into the corner into Zeno. Here comes Harker. Corner splash connects. Both Zeno and Death are dazed. Harker goes up. Double tornado DDT.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.



["Come Out And Play" by Offspring plays.]

SW: Oh look, it's the grungiest wrestler in the business today.

MM: No birdbath will hold him. What are you doing?

SW: An experiment.

MM: With a statue of the Virgin Mary?

SW: Yeah. I want to see if he'll come take a crap on THIS statue.

MM: That's sacrilegious.

SW: Let's see if he'll drop a deuce on the holy vessel.

MM: You trying to get us kicked off the air?

SW: Why? It's not like I'm holding up a picture of Muhammad. Whoops, I am!

[Cut to a blurred picture of Scotty at ringside.]

SW: Eat me, Muslims!

[Back to the match.]

MM: Pigeon with a bulldog on Harker. Death charges at Pigeon, who drop toe holds him right into Harker's crotch.

SW: I hope Kay isn't expecting little pale children.

MM: Sleeperhold neckbreaker on Zeno.

[Meanwhile, at the pool, a pulley is pulling out...]

Unit 5

MM: My goodness, is that Unit 5?

SW: I can't tell. It looks all...burned up. All black and gray.

MM: Unit 5 WAS here.

SW: Burned and dumped in the pool. You think he upset a dryer or oven or something?

[Back to the match.]

SW: Appliance wars are hell.

MM: Pigeon trying to get Zeno out, but Zeno's holding on. Death with a big foot takes Harker down.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Hallucination Boy

["Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne plays.]

SW: Hey, Pigeon! Check out this statue!

MM: Stop teasing him.

SW: Aren't your bowels feeling heavy?

MM: Stop it, Scotty.

[Meanwhile, backstage, Styles tie is on fire.]

Styles: This is EXTREMELY painful!

SW: BWAHAHAHA! I always hated that tie.

[Back to the ring.]

MM: You up for Inhumanitarian Of the Year?

SW: I'm shooting for it.

MM: Hallucination Boy still not getting in the ring.

HB: Why did it have to be TRAINS! *Dives*

MM: The ring sure is getting full.

SW: Yeah. It's been reduced to punch, kick, pretend to try and power a guy over the top rope for a minute straight.

Alan Qaida

MM: The crowd just erupted. Wait a second. Alan Qaida is back out here and he's running...whoa!

[Qaida divebombs at Scotty and delivers punches to him behind the EZ Break Announce Table. Qaida pulls Scotty on top of the table and heads into the ring. Then to the top rope. Diving leg drop connects and both men crash to the floor!]

Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Kevin the Pyromaniac

["Firestarter" by Prodigy plays.]

MM: I hope the viewers at home can hear me. Kevin The Pyromaniac has return to BOB. Last time we saw him, he was getting killed by Death and having his knee broken by Sarah. But now he's returned from beyond. For what purpose? And I don't have him on my format for this spot. I have San Francisco Giant here.

MM: Kevin's in the ring. His elbow pad is ablaze. Roasting elbow to Harker. Roasting elbow to Death. Roasting elbow to Pigeon. No. Pigeon grabs Kevin for the Pigeon Drop. Now Pigeon is stomping out the fire. Kevin must have been the one causing all the trouble backstage with the potted plant, the pool, Styles's tie and Wig Show. He's certainly made quite the smoky return. Pyromania is running wild in BOB again.

MM: Scotty, are you alive? Scotty is still down from the Alan Qaida suicidal attack out here. Oh, hello, Alan. You going to join me for color commentary?

AQ: ...

MM: You have to speak. The fans can't hear you pointing.

AQ: Me, Alan Qaida.

MM: Yes, I know. How about this main event?

AQ: ... Good?

MM: Thanks for that input, Alan. You may be our full-time color commentator by next week with insights like that. *Whistles* Hoo-boy.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Steve Studnuts

["Right Now" by Korn plays.]

MM: It's Steve Studnuts. BOB has never had this much star power in a match at one time before. What a Sunday Morning Chloroform. What a match.

SW: (Faint) H-h-e-l-l-l-p.

MM: Studnuts is in. He tosses out Kevin to the floor. And there goes Seth and Zeno, who were tangled up with each other. I guess it's fair to say now that the iAd is history as Studnuts eliminates his longtime associate Seth Harker, not to mention his longtime nemesis, Sir Zeno. Studnuts pulls in Hallucination Boy. And now he tosses him back out. And there goes Pigeon.

MM: Wait? What is Uber Vampire Warrior doing back out here? And who is that guy with the face paint? Fans, don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

Styles (Voice): Promotional consideration paid for by the following:


Atomo the Living Robot

MM: Welcome back fans. During the break, Death and Studnuts had a major staredown. But neither went on the offense. That is, until Atomo the Living Robot came in. Then to the surprise of everyone, they teamed up on Atomo and easily threw him to the floor.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Kamikazie Ken

["Ride of the Valkryies" by Richard Wagner plays.]

MM: It's Kamikazie Ken. What do you think about Ken's chances, Alan?

AQ: ... Bad.

MM: Right. Good point. Couldn't have said it better myself. *Sigh* Again, Death and Studnuts are double teaming Kamikazie Ken. Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver on Ken. Now Death has Ken. Oh no. Netherworld Powerbomb to the floor. How about that one, Alan?

AQ: ... Ouch.

MM: Well, with another break in the inaction, let's take our last commercial break, and when we come back, we'll find out who will be the number one seed.

Living In Sin

Kurt Angel

MM: Welcome back. Kurt Angel just joined the match, and he's actually fairing better than the last couple of guys who entered.

SW: *Whisper* How long do I have to stay down?

MM: Scotty, shut up, we're live.

SW: Edit me out. Sheesh. Do I have to think of everything.

MM: Heavenly Slam on Studnuts. And he grabs Death into the Angel Lock.


Death: What was that?

[Kurt tosses a broken toe to the floor.]

KA: Uhh, nothing. You need to drink more milk.

MM: Meanwhile, Uber Vamp and this weird guy with the paint are watching all this take place from the floor. Are they here to help Death, Alan?

AQ: ... Uh?

MM: Read this.

AQ: ... I rule, Scotty drools.

MM: Wow, controversial as always, Alan.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Massive Man Rendition First

["Don't Want You Back" by Eamon plays.]

MM: Massive Man Rendition First is here. And he'd love to recapture the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS for a second time and continue to spread Joshitude to the masses. Angel would also like a second reign as the champion, not that his first reign lasted more than minutes as he ascended to Heaven immediately following that match. Death and Steve Studnuts have yet to hold the gold in BOB.

AQ: ...Baaaa!

MM: Great. Sheep noises. Your English is really limited, isn't it? Were you raised on a farm or something?

AQ: ...Mooo!

MM: Massive Man grabs Angel and runs at Studnuts. Nice slam and dropkick combo there. Oh, but Death with a knee lift ends Massive Man's momentum. Where are you going? Qaida just went into the ring with a chair. He throws it at Death. And Studnuts. And MMR1. And Angel. And now Qaida is leaving everyone in the match laying. BOB is in chaos.

SW: Damn secretary violence.

MM: I believe the correct term is sectarian, Scotty.

SW: Secretary, veterinarian, whatever. It's civil war! And I don't need your civil wah-war. It feeds the rich while it buries the poh-oor. It's about time that pussy Qaida left. One second more and--

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Jim "Totally Packaged"

["Pop" by NSYNC plays.]

SW: It seems they lose those shrill underage girl fans they used to have. Thankfully, it looks like they were replaced by drunken slut teenage fans. Wooohoo! Flashers!

MM: Jim and MMR1 with a double clothesline on Death. Double dropkick to Studnuts. And there's a double suplex for Angel.

SW: I doubt this alliance will last. These guys have gone from Totally Face to Totally Enemies. You'll see.

MM: You may be right. But for now, both guys have headed to the top rope. What is this? Massive Man superplexes Jim, who lands on the other fallen wrestlers. What a move.

SW: Dumb move. He should've tossed Jim to the floor. Screw your friends, the belt is all that matters.

MM: And now MMR1 dives off the top with a frog splash on everybody. Now Jim and Massive Man have turned their attention to Death. And they are pounding away on Death in the corner. Look at this.

SW: Oh no! They're trying to make Death touch himself. (Pause) BWAHAHAHA! I didn't mean like that. They're trying to make Death give himself the Touch of Death. But Death is fighting it off.

MM: Meanwhile, Kurt Angel has Studnuts up for the Heavenly Slam. But Studnuts lands on the apron. Eye poke by Studnuts. Uh oh. Suplex. And Angel is eliminated. Studnuts has been amazing in this match.

SW: Help Death!

MM: Feeling better, Scotty?

SW: I will be once I get paid extra for that table bump. I think I'll be giving to Charity after the show. Woohoo!

MM: Studnuts with a double noggin knocker on MMR1 and Jim. And another. A third. A fourth.

Crowd: 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.



["How High" by Method Man and Red Man plays.]

MM: Here comes douja, another former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

SW: Yeah, but douja's past his prime. I'm sure he's in a jobber to the stars role now. douja never passed the torch, but he always passes the doobies.

MM: Studnuts and douja are eye to eye. Oh, double low blow on Studnuts by Jim and MMR1. And douja boots Jim in the face. And there's one for MMR1. What a hard-fought match.

SW: Who the hell is left in this match? It better not be frigging Lord Sexbat. What is Death doing?

MM: He went to the top rope, but douja caught him. Slam to the mat.

SW: If douja had any brain cells left, he would've just pushed Death to the floor. We haven't had any smart wrestlers here since Billy Polar left. You know, he graduated from Harvard, damnit.

MM: I remember.

SW: Maybe it's something in the water. Or too much television. Or maybe power lines. Or the fluoride in the toothpaste.

MM: douja just slammed Massive Man on top of Jim. Studnuts with a back suplex on douja. What a Battle Royale.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


Pete Trable

["X Gonna Get Ya" by DMX plays.]

MM: Pete Trable is here.

SW: Where? I can't see him.

MM: Very funny. Trable runs in and there's a shoulderblock on Studnuts. An ugly clothesline for MMR1.

SW: A below mediocre hiptoss for Death. And a subpar punch to Jim. How can a wrestler get WORSE in the ring. Aren't you supposed to get better?

MM: May I refer you to Bagwell, Buff.

SW: Ah.

[Meanwhile, in the casino, Kevin sets his hand on fire and begins shaking dice at a craps table.]

Kevin: Daddy needs a new can of lighter fluid!

[Back to the match.]

MM: Trable has Studnuts up. But Studnuts gets out. Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver on Trable. And everybody is laid out on the canvas. Jim is heading up top. But douja crotches him. Oh no. Chronic Neck Pain from the top rope.

Crowd: Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit!

MM: MMR1 grabs douja. Sideways Effect. And now Death grabs Massive Man. Netherworld Powerbomb. What impact. Studnuts grabs Death. Death Valley (Of The Sun) Driver on Death. I guess that collaboration is over for the remainder of this match.

SW: Damn. Studnuts is so selfish. I envy that man.

MM: But now Trable has Studnuts hooked. Disc Compactor on Studnuts. But somehow Jim is back up. Krew Kutter on Trable. Now everybody is down.

Crowd: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.



Voice-over: 1, 2, 3, 4!

[The Ramones. Coma is led down the aisle by some Vegas showgirls in glittery gold outfits. Coma breaks into some Lord of the Dance mid-ring amongst the fallen wrestlers.]

SW: Now this is offensive.

MM: There's a Lord Of The Kick to Jim, who is booted out of the ring. And there's a spinning Lord Of the Dance leap that sends out Trable.

SW: Hmm. Maybe this IS a good strategy.

MM: Fans, we're almost out of airtime. And Comedy Central hates it when we cut into their valuable infomercials.

SW: Uber Vamp and that goth guy just attacked Coma! Nice! And now they're attacking Studnuts and douja and Massive Man.

MM: This is totally unfair.

SW: Yeah, it's great! I don't even know who that wanker is, but if he's with Death, he's okay in my book.

MM: They pull up MMR1 for Death. The three of them toss him to the floor. Now they grab Coma, and Coma is eliminated. Oh, Studnuts nearly decapitated Uber Vamp with that clothesline.

SW: That's bad for a vampire. Or, anybody, I guess.

MM: douja charges at the other dude. He grabs douja by the throat and gives him to Death. And douja is eliminated.

SW: It looks like Death is telling his disciples to back off.

MM: Fans, we've got to go!

SW: No you don't! Don't you dare leave us on a cliffhanger.

MM: Studnuts and Death hook it up. But Uber Vamp and goth guy atttack him from behind. Studnuts is tossed. Death wins! Death wins!

SW: Oh, what a cheater! Woohoo!

MM: We'll see you next Sunday! Good morning!

©2007 BOB Wrestling! Now zip up your fly!


© BOB Wrestling!

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