It's Erection Morning!
The Ted Rant for SMC 39
By Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy
Howdy all. It's your old new pal Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy. I know, you haven't seen my prose since Schmucksdotcom closed and I graduated kinda sum laude. Well, I'm what they call a 'casual fan.' And the only thing that made me take this gig was the money. Shocker, right? Seems the usual guy who does these recaps for the Web site...I think his name is Shane Narrator, what a goofy name. Anyway, he apparently had to work too many hours this week at his real job and then had car problems, so he couldn't do his usual in depth, script-like report this week. So you've got me.
For those of you unfamiliar with me, I used to give out stars to matches like a diabetic handing out Halloween candy. But in my time away, I did take a course up in Canada on the proper way to write schmucky online wrestling recaps. So never again will you see me with any rating above *****. Unless, of course, a smart company has my dream match of 6-Pac vs. Vampiro.
Wait...somebody DID have this match? Best. Company. Ever! WSX! WSX! WSX! KABOOM!
The big news out of BOB this week is that they have apparently signed on Tentin Quarantino to be the special producer/writer of Send Us Money: Living In Sin. Can't wait to see who'll be in the bondage gear. My bet is Nurse Heidi. Or is that my hope?
-On tape from Sin City.
-Your hosts are Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody.
-Opening segment features a tiny ballroom in the Riviera Hotel all decorated up with yellow and red streamers and a long line of BOBsters waiting to vote for BOB Commissioner. I hope they weren't threatened with death to do this. Important to note: douja is being urged that this really isn't the voting area and that it's somewhere upstairs. Lock, Shock and Barry tell him to go look for it. douja has been successfully disenfranchised...for now. Meanwhile, BigBOSS and commish candidates Dubya and Randall Mooby are all chatting. Mooby wonders why there was no debate. BigBOSS said he "thought about it...realized it would be boring, gotta go."
-BOB opening. There have been 39 of these suckers, easily making it the longest running BOB show in history. Does anybody else miss Monday Morning Mayhem? Nah, me neither. Just checking to see if you were paying attention.
-Meanwhile, in line waiting to vote, Kevin the Pyromaniac tries to make nice with Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. Apparently, Kevin heard they were a couple of flamers, so all three have something in common. WHOOSH. Up goes Kevin like a dead Christmas tree, and both Patrick and Gerald light up cigarettes as somebody fire extinguishes Kevin. Patrick and Gerald then kick his ass.
Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" vs. Anne O'Rexic in a T&A XX Division Tournament Match
O'Rexic gets no reaction. Eliza gets a cheer. I think BOB was going for the opposite. Shocker, that. Anywho...Scotty gets in a good line that if the camera adds 10 pounds, Anne must not really exist. While Eliza is beating the hell out of Anne, she pulls a Linda Blair on Generic Ref's shoes, causing the distraction. A woman dressed in a softball outfit with the name "Mantle" on the back of the jersey runs in and knocks out Eliza with a softball shot to the head. Anne makes the cover and gets the shocking upset win. Just what the wrestling world needs, another baseball player name pun. Apparently, this woman is named Nikki Mantle. Kenny Dykstra, eat your heart out! Is it true all woman who play softball are lesbos, Scotty wonders. He also comments that this lady's thighs are bigger than Anne's whole body, which, sadly is true. Why do female softball players have such huge asses and thighs? Entertainment-wise, I'd call this one **, wrestling-wise, it's a total DUD, so we'll split the difference, call it *.
-Meanwhile, Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken are highspotting the vote, and establish that they'll be whacky tag team partners again, even though Mano got kicked off of SMC a couple of years ago. Thank goodness for lots of booze to forget these little details.
-Meanwhile, Mooby insults the voters. Dustbuster Boy wells up at the mention of Satan raping Oprah, his dead dustbuster, for all eternity.
-Whoa, we actually have a video recap? The hell? I think this is the first one in BOB history. Granted, it's very amateurish, but at least they're using iMovie for something other than downloaded porn. This recaps the whole STWF invasion that's been happening. It shows the attack on Steve Studnuts, the fans getting pancaked, the show shutting down because of the dropped waffle and last show's attack on Seth Harker. Styles gets a quote from Steve Studnuts through Connie Lingus, which is as follows: "Fuck off you fucking fuck." Harker also is interviewed from a hospital bed with his head all bandaged up. His quote: "Poink?" Great...But then...
-The promo is interrupted by Monroe and Whatbody, as the cameras cut backstage to find that Atomo The Living Robot has been attacked mid-promo. Yes, Atomo is face down in a puddle of his own oil. The roster's going down quicker than a drunk cheerleader under the bleachers.
-Meanwhile, Atomo is still dead. Scotty's paranoid. Mike's nervous. Scotty wishes Heidi was topless.
-Meanwhile, Dubya promises to get the STWF when he's elected BOB commissioner.
-Meanwhile, Mooby insults the voters.
-Meanwhile, I need to take a bathroom break, brb...
Sir Zeno vs. Atomo the Living Robot in an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS Tournament Match
Zeno wins via count out because Atomo can't make it to the ring in time. DUD
-Then, here comes Alex Smith to bullhorn about false flag terror and a BBC "hit piece." He educates the crowd on Operation Northwoods. He says that BigBOSS is the real terrorist or something along those lines. Zeno gets bored and tells Smith never to interrupt him again. Zeno reminds Smith, aka Meat-Puppet, that the only reason he has a job is because Zeno is smart and BigBOSS is a total idiot. Smith calls BigBOSS a puppet. Zeno is pissed, after having just warned Smith never to interrupt. This of course leads to...
Sir Zeno vs. Alex Smith.
JIP as Sir Zeno beats the crap out of Smith for a couple of minutes, then hits the Eternal Question (why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?). *
-But wait, it's not over, as the Undietaker takes his sweet time coming down. By the time Undietaker gets to the ring, Zeno is gone, so Undie settles for taking Smith's undies. I guess this is leading to Undietaker vs. Zeno at some point? The fans seemed somewhat into it...
Alan Qaida vs. Axl Van Halen in a Swiss Army Belt Tournament Match
I assume this is under regular rules, but then again, this is BOB, so who knows? Qaida gets the early advantage until he blows a spot involving a springboard flipping thing when he crotches himself and then loses his balance and falls on his head. They just don't build terrorists like they used to...Van Halen beats down Qaida and gets booed by the crowd. He's like a younger, gayer Chris Jericho. Axl with a c'mon baby moonsault. Axl with a missile dropkick. Qaida catches Axl up top and hits a hurricanrana. Qaida shoves Generic Ref onto all fours and then uses him as a launchpad, but Axl avoids and Qaida collapses on his head AGAIN. Sick. One Rock-O-Lution later, and Qaida is tossed out of the tournament, and the crowd, and even the GHOSTS are booing loudly. Some decent action despite Qaida's tendency to fuck up every match he's in. **1/2
-Meanwhile, a teary Kay Fabe begs Dubya to get the STWF when he gets elected. Everybody in line starts wailing at her beautiful speech about her undying love for Harker. Mooby butts in to ask her if she's still into lesbian stuff. He mentions that Nikki Mantle thought Kay was cute. Mooby asks if he can watch them do some 69 on each other. Needless to say, Kay is pissed. She does some sort of spell that makes some spirit, possibly Ghostie, give him a Kay's Bottom through the table with the voting rolls. It's Florida all over again. Beware of hanging Mooby's.
-Meanwhile, douja returns to the voting line, only to be told that this is the line to meet Richard Simmons. douja's been disenfranchised again.
Uber Vampire Warrior vs. Dr. Thrilla in a Swiss Army Belt Tournament Match
Before Thrilla can get to the ring, Logonoa jumps him from behind and beats the crap out of him. It's payback time. Crowd's pretty indifferent to all this, oddly. He hits a Teeth Buster on Thrilla, though, I guess technically it's a Bear Trap Buster. Zeno and crew arrive and chase off Logonoa. A dazed Thrilla makes it into the ring just before the count out, but then feels the wrath of Uber Vamp. Then an Impaler. And Uber Vamp gets the easy win. 1/4*
-Meanwhile, as Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is leaving the voting room, he accidentally spills the beans to douja as he talks to Nurse Heidi about the shabby voting conditions, and how they're worse than douja's momma's house. The whole thing degrades into a debate over the size of Heidi's vagina before douja and SMP end up brawling. I'm looking forward to their Moving Bus Match. I don't know why, but I am.
Death vs. Massive Man Rendition First in an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS Tournament Match
What would a Death match be without the customary kneelift to start. Massive Man with a hanging clothesline. Massive Man grabs a headlock into a standing dropkick. Death punches away on Joshitude and hits a powerslam. Death works on the legs. Death with a slingshot into the top rope. Death does his corner assault on Massive Man until Massive Man decks him with a discus punch. MMR1 with a gut crusher. Massive Man goes for a trifecta of chokes. Um-kay. He doesn't have lungs. Death rams a knee into Massive Man and then hits a sideslam. Jim pulls Death off from the outside, leading to Iraqamania breaking out between the Skull & Bones and Rengeneration-X. The cookie jars break, and the crowd erupts as Hardcore JJ does a run-in. JJ DROP on Uber Vamp. JJ DROP on Lord Athackkimentham. JJ DROP on Jim. JJ realizes the error of his ways with a "whoops," but MMR1 is peeved. JJ: "I said, WHOOPS, you summabitch!" JJ DROP on Death. Massive Man gets the win. Wow. Wasn't expecting that. **1/4
A moment for us:
A company treading water for going on eight years continues to tread water. This show and company seems to have some sort of direction as they build towards new OWTTM, SAB and T&AXX champs at Living In Sin. I still have no idea where this STWF business is going. Wrestling was the usual non-affair aside from a couple decent matches, but it didn't put me to sleep. So yeah, this was whatever.
© 2007 BOB Wrestling! JJ DROP on the closing credits!