Talk About An Eternal Kiss!
The Ted Rant for SMC 40
By Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy
-On tape from Sin City.
-Your hosts are Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody.
-Opening segment features Dubya doing a State of BOB speech. Dubya is launching the War On Parody, or WOP. All Italians beware. Oh wait, he means STWF and other rogue parody units. He vows to stop the "stereotypists" from destroying BOB. "We do not create stereotypism by fighting the stereotypists. We invite stereotypists by ignoring them." Zuh? PARODY...huh...what is it go for? Absolutely nuthin'!
XXXtreme Machine (w/Dubya + Snapmare Kid) vs. Mr. Paradox in a Swiss Army Belt tournament match
Paradox gets the love from the crowd. Man, Dimension Z's crew are super over in Sin City. Paradox hits a back suplex. XXXtreme responds with a backbreaker. Machine with some punches and chops, but Paradox strikes back with an inverted atomic drop. Paradox with a SICK brainbuster. Damn. Paradox whips XXXtreme into the ropes and hits a flying clothesline. Paradox with a hurricanrana. And a dropkick. Snapmare Kid tries to pump up the crowd but gets a soda in the face for his cheerleading attempt. The Spirit Quad mocks SMK's inferior cheers, and then present one of their own "we are spirits, we say boo, we are spirits, how 'bout you?" Paradox with a headlock. XXXtreme eventually fights his way up and nails Paradox in the crotch with an elbow. Big moan from the crowd on that one. Paradox runs into a back body drop. XXXtreme Machine starts working on Paradox's legs. XXXtreme with a sleeper. XXXtreme heads up top but misses whatever the hell he was trying for. Paradox with a side kick. Both guys slug it out before Paradox wins the war with a piledriver. Paradox runs into a Curtain Jerker Spinebuster. XXXtreme hits a reverse suplex and then gets a two count. Paradox with a dropkick to XXXtreme's crotch for payback. Paradox with a powerbomb, but XXXtreme kicks out at two. Snapmare Kid gets up on the apron and yells "RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE" at Generic Ref, Dubya gets in the ring and...hits XXXtreme Machine with the BOB flagpole? That's a swerve, BAYBEE! SMK is shocked, and so am I. Paradox gets the pin and goes on to Living In Sin in the finals. Dubya extends a hand and Paradox shakes it. The crowd eats this up. Why? I have no idea. Friggin' marks. Probably the best XXXtreme Machine match I've ever seen, which makes Mr. Paradox a miracle worker. **
-Meanwhile, Sir Zeno is two matches away from being the ruler of BOB. He vows to be the most brutal and feared champion this federation has ever known. Here's to hoping he doesn't walk around with a giant yardstick and screaming like Sid Vicious. Or worse, WORKING like Sid Vicious. Now THAT would be brutal.
-Meanwhile, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is reading a brochure: Dimension Z and You. He chucks that brochure aside and picks up a book titled, "How To Rid This Place Of Both Dimension Z Axl Van Halen." Decisions, decisions...get that man an amaretto, STAT!
Misty Waters vs. Queen Mylisiv in a T&A XX Division tournament match
The girls trade chops to start, before Mylisiv hits a nasty spinebuster. Waters manages to lock on a sleeper hold, then hits a flying elbow. Mylisiv with a suplex. The girls go through a sequence of reversing each other's headlocks before Mylisiv takes the advantage with a nasty elbow to the top of Misty's head. Mylisiv pounds away on Misty. Misty hits some chops and gets a small package for two. Mylisiv hita an FU slam on Misty. Mylisiv hangs Misty in the corner and then connects with a baseball slide dropkick to the face. Yeow. Misty hits a desperation sitout powerbomb. Misty works the arm, but Mylisiv powers out and tosses Misty by the hair. Mylisiv stomps and pounds the crap out of Misty. Misty with a flying elbow, then a leg drop. They go through a nice set of reversals that ends with both girls slapping each other, then both slapping Generic Ref for trying to break it up. Mylisiv with the NASTIEST arm pull into a hip toss I've ever seen. Then she hits the Royal Ouchie, and this one is all over. Mylisiv heads into the finals at Living In Sin, probably against Sarah "The Jobber Slayer". Bit of an upset, considering Misty was the last Swiss Army Belt holder. Guess that push is dead. *3/4
-Meanwhile, Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken have a run-in somewhere in the hotel with the Crazy Drunken Irish Fags. Or as Mano calls them, the "Fagos."
-Alex Smith is out bullhorning about some BBC news report on Google that proves the media had prior knowledge that Building 7 was going to be brought down. Eventually, his conspiracy rant turns into a conspiracy rant against the Undietaker. Apparently, Undietaker has cut a deal with the devil to get such an undeserved push. Crowd doesn't like that, and neither does Taker, whose music hits and he comes on down. Undietaker murderizes Smith and, once again, steals his undies.
-Meanwhile, a devastated Fingerbang XXX is mocked by the Suck Ups, John Skeet and Steve Leary. Wow, how low can you get? But wait, the Suck Ups are Dubya's new boys? Good lord. Is that even an upgrade?
Pete Trable vs. Pigeon in an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS tournament match
Slugest to start. Trable knocks Pigeon out to the floor. They brawl around ringside. Then they head into the ring and...brawl some more...Pigeon with a Lou Thesz press. Yes, MORE brawling follows. Trable with a snapmare and dropkick. Trable with a dropkick. Then MORE FRIGGING BRAWLING! ARGH! Trable with a DDT. But Pigeon no-sells that VERY SAME MOVE that acts as his finisher and hits a clothesline. Pigeon locks in a neckbreaker stretch and goes to work on Trable's head. Then yet MORE GAT DAMN BRAWLING! Trable hits a back suplex and heads up top to hit a missile dropkick. Trable drives knees into Pigeon's midsection and hits a suplex. Pigeon Drop out of nowhere, and both guys are down. Pigeon eventually makes a cover, but Trable gets a foot on the ropes. Pigeon then continues to bore the piss out of me, and I'm not alone, as the crowd begins an audible "BORING" chant. You'd think they'd edit that sort of thing out, but...you know...low budget, low technology skills, dumb employees...kinda don't have a choice I guess. Trable shuts up the crowd with a huge slambuster thingee. Trable with a full nelson suplex. DJ Rawkizzle and MC Carjizzle of Lay-Zizzle makes a run-in and try to attack Trable. But Pigeon and Trable both beat the crap out of Lay-Zizzle. As Pigeon and Trable are about to declare themselves BEST FRIENDS FOREVER, Pigeon hits a Pigeon Drop and pins Trable to go onto the finals of the OWTTM tournament at Living In Sin. What a mess. *
-Meanwhile, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" has been waffled! She's crying, holding her knee on the floor of the hotel. Kind of sad, actually. Jeez...Studnuts, Harker, Atomo, Sarah...that's some serious firepower that the STWF has put out. They ain't fucking around in this war.
Anne O'Rexic vs. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" in a T&A XX Division tournament match
Sarah, obviously, is hurt, so Anne wins by forfeit, and she'll face Queen Mylisiv in the finals at Living In Sin. Queen Mylisiv runs into the ring and attacks Anne, but Nikki Mantle pulls off Mylisiv and does a wicked underhand pitch that sends Mylisiv out to the floor. HOLY SHIT indeed! She's gotta be black and bluer after that one. That was a cool visual. Mylisiv yells at Mantle and Anne, as Zeno comes out to restrain his girl. N/A
-Meanwhile, Michelle congratulates Pigeon on his win all happy, then goes all bipolar crying about Sarah. Then she threatens to rip Pigeon's balls off if he doesn't leave. Then she cries, all upset she yelled at him. Pigeon: "Are you pregnant or something?"
Axl Van Halen vs. Uber Vampire Warrior in a Swiss Army Belt tournament match
Axl with hits the Stroke to start, which of course, Scotty has a field day with. They exchange blows (boy, Scotty is having fun with this one), and Axl hits a low blow. Axl with a flying side kick. Uber Vamp with a clothesline to halt Axl's momentum. Corkscrew elbow MISSES, BOOOO! Van Halen charges and tries to roll up Uber Vamp, but he somehow manages to schoolboy Generic Ref. Uber Vamp with the count? ONE! TWO! NO! Generic Ref kicks out. Comedy pop from the crowd. Vamp grabs Axl and hits a nasty overhead gutbuster on Axl. Vamp blasts away on Axl to the delight of the crowd. Both guys trade knee shots. Axl gets on Uber Vamp's back and hits a sleeper hold and takes him down and locks in body scissors. Vamp makes it to the ropes as the crowd yells "Faggot" at Axl. Axl jaws with the crowd, giving Uber Vamp the opening for a belly to belly suplex. But Uber Vamp throws Axl away, realizing Axl has a boner. Ewww. Uber Vamp with a ton of punches to prove his manliness and then chokes Axl on the ropes for some auto erotic asphyxiation. Vamp heads up top, but misses a double ax handle and Axl hits an enzugeri. Axl with a doggy style grind into a HUGE release German suplex. Vamp is up and PISSED and starts pounding the crap out of Axl. Generic Ref has to pull him away. Axl is bleeding like crazy. Oh dear lord. I try to hold my breakfast down as Uber Vamp licks the blood! The crowd is disgusted and tosses garbage into the ring. Axl grabs Uber Vamp by the mullet and locks in a...kiss? Oh good lord, this is the most disgusting match I've ever seen. Uber Vamp can't break the Lip Lock, so he's forced to tap out. Are you fucking serious? This match was going along fine til the end. -***** for the ending, combined with ** for the match makes this -***/12 overall. Crowd bombards Axl with anything they can throw at him. Fans are even tossing chairs as Axl makes his hasty escape. Holy shit. Axl faces Paradox at Living In Sin for the Swiss Army Belt.
-Meanwhile, Kurt Angel and Rob Van Spam try to help douja train for the Moving Bus match. They make him run up and down the three steps to get on the bus. douja is winded after one sprint and demands a doobie break. douja apparently doesn't need to be in good shape to beat Plants.
Main Event: Sir Zeno vs. Massive Man Rendition First in an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS tournament match
Massive Man says he knows that Zeno is all about cheating so he's brought some backup. And he ain't lying. Hardcore JJ, Violent Pacifist, "Totally Packaged" Jim, Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister! It's most of Totally Face. Damnit, where's Candy Cantaloupes? Hungalot's new movie, Rump Rider, is coming out on DVD, no wonder why he's here. Rump Rider, of course, is the story of a scooterist who gives up his soul to become a whore-riding mamma jamma whose cock gets all flamy when in the presence of loose women. But I digress... Before the match can even start, Dimension Z and Totally X are brawling all around the ring and in the crowd. Damn, this is chaotic.
Massive Man with a rolling kick. And keep in mind, there are fights going on everywhere in the ballroom as this match is going on, adding an extra something to the atmosphere. Massive Man goes to work on Zeno's legs, which eventually turns into a slugfest. Zeno with a suplex. Massive Man comes back with a gutwrench powerbomb. He hits a sideways effect, but only gets a two. Crowd is totally hot for all of this by the way. Zeno hits a suplex. Zeno connects with several martial arts kicks and chops and hits a quick small package, but they roll right into the ropes. Massive Man with a quick bridge pin for two. Zeno with a bulldog. Zeno with a vicious looking Dragon suplex pin, but Massive Man's feet land on the middle rope. Big Zeno chant starts. Zeno dropkicks Massive Man in the face. Zeno then drives vicious knees into Massive Man's head. Zeno pulls up Massive Man, who manages to dodge Zeno's attacks and hit a belly to back suplex. Massive Man runs into an STO. Zeno with a crucifix pin for two. Zeno drops a leg on the back of Massive Man's head. Zeno with a picture-perfect spin kick. Zeno charges, but Massive Man drops Zeno on the top rope and then chokes him repeatedly, almost getting DQed. Massive Man shoves Generic Ref, who punches Massive Man down to the mat. Massive Man is pissed. Generic Ref's had a bad night, getting slapped and almost pinned. Zeno with a superkick as Massive Man turns around! Only a two. The fights continue all over the ballroom. Zeno with some karate shots, and MMR1 with a reverse DDT. MMR1 charges right into a powerslam. Zeno with a schoolboy for two. Both guys trade shots before Massive Man connects with a tornado DDT. Lowblow by Zeno. Eternal Question (Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?). And that's enough for the win. Zeno goes on to face Pigeon for the OWTTM at Living In Sin. ***
A Moment For Us:
Damn, what an entertaining show that was. Tons of angle development, the STWF/BOB war has another casualty plus some decent in-ring action. What can I complain about? Oh right, I WANT CANDY!
© 2007 BOB Wrestling! We'll Never Grow Up, Poopieheads!