Is That A Rubber Snake In Your Pants, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
The Ted Rant for SMC 41
By Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy
-On tape from Sin City.
-Your hosts are Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody.
-Dubya is out to start the show, surrounded by the newly-formed CPU, Counter Parody Unit. It is made up of Lock, Shock, Barry, Dustbuster Boy, John Skeet and Steve Leary, plus a few other unidentified "agents." We review the last several weeks of those dern stereotypist attacks. Onto new business, this morning there will be six matches to fill in the six slots for a Six-Pack In The Belly Ladder Match at Send Us Money: Living In Sin. The winner of that LIS match will become the number one contender and can bribe whoever's in charge "before the beer goes stale" with the six-pack, apparently. Hope it's not Keystone, by gawd. XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid are out to spoil the fun, however. XXXtreme Machine: "sens ur @ doosh fingrbng XXX gut sum paybak!!" Of course, he is totally incomprehensible. The 2-Cheap-2-Own TVs light up and we see XXXtreme and SMK spraypainting "FXXX" on Dubya's prized rental car. Oh, that's gotta Hertz. Nobody EVER buys that ripoff full coverage plan, especially not when you work for BOB. As XM and SMK yuck it up, Dubya says that isn't his car. After some swearing, Dubya is informed that the rental car belongs to Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Pete Trable vs. Rob Van Spam in a Six-Pack In The Belly Ladder Match qualifying match
Trable cuts an amusing rap on RVS. Crowd is into his rap, then turn on him with "Trable sucks" chants. Ohhhkay. RVS says the people of Sin City don't want to hear poser rap, they want to see teens having hard anal sex, which the crowd apparently loves. Scotty asks, "who doesn't love a little anal?" *Ahem* Anyway...Trable with a stiff clothesline and some kneelifts to take early control. Trable with a nasty suplex and then smacks his bitch up, and RVS doesn't appreciate that. But RVS can't make Trable pay because Trable hits a powerbomb. Xfactor with a full nelson slam. RVS with a "desperate MILFs looking to suk n fuk" spin kick. Corkscrew elbow leg drop misses! RVS charges right into a gutbuster. Trable with some of his patented brawling. Lay-Z is out to watch with interest and gratuitous crotch grabbing and posing. Trable with a Fresno crab. Trable farts in Lay-Z's general direction. Trable nails the CD. Squash city. Trable qualifies. MC Carjack and DJ Rawkus give the match four thumbs down. I'll be nice and give it 3/4*.
-Meanwhile, Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald chase XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid around the hotel.
-Meanwhile, Styles interviews Sir Zeno and Mr. Paradox. Years of wrongs are about to be righted at Living In Sin. This morning, they're gonna leave just enough of Pigeon and Axl for them to make it to Living In Sin. And they're not opposed to fighting cripples at Living In Sin. Because they're the biggest sinners in this god-forsaken city. Big pop from the crowd.
XXXtreme Machine (w/Snapmare Kid) vs. Kevin the Pyromaniac in a Six-Pack In The Belly Ladder Match qualifying match
Fitzpatrick and Fitzgerald run into the ring and chase XXXtreme Machine and SMK again. This leads to Kevin winning via countout. To celebrate, he sets Generic Ref's shirt on fire. Man, Generic Ref must be in the doghouse. N/A
-Meanwhile, Dubya decides that Fingerbang XXX should compete in a gauntlet match at Living In Sin. Brilliant! Fingerbang XXX will take on the Suck-Ups, the Crazy Drunken Irish Fags, Lay-Z and Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken. And even if they lose, and no doubt they will lose, Fingerbang must face all four teams in succession. BRILLIANT!
-Meanwhile, Styles interviews the Skull & Bones Society. Death: "You know..." He says Coma and Hallucination Boy made the right choice by not showing up for the last few shows. Nobody can find the Holy Grail. BWAHAHAHA. And that at Living In Sin, there will be a tag team title match. Kids, get your DVD recorders ready because it'll be the last Exploding Holy Grail match EVER in BOB. Last one. Yep. No doubt about it. "Beat them if you can. Die...if you do." And this morning, Death is going to kill a guy who should've been dead dozens of times already, Alan Qaida, and go on to Living In Sin's Six-Pack Match.
-Meanwhile, Pigeon, Axl Van Halen and Tifa are with Michelle. Wrestling? What's wrestling? Axl wonders if Michelle is behind the STWF. Pigeon shoves Axl. Axl warns Pigeon that every enemy of Michelle has been mysteriously attacked lately. There was Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker, who were Trey Vincent's iAd buddies. Then there was Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," who just happened to be her sister. Michelle: "What about Atomo?" Pigeon: "What about ME? What about Pigeon?" Pigeon says that he'd have his dick sawed off if he could have sex with her just once. Michelle says that's the most romantic, but impractical, thing any guy's ever said to her. Axl says that bitch will turn on him. Pigeon says she already has turned him on. All sorts of nutty confusion follows trying to figure out who the biggest bitch in the room is. Pigeon knows who the biggest "queen" is. It must be Queen Mylisiv, because she and the rest of Dimension Z storms the room and attacks all of them.
-Anne O'Rexic is in the ring with Nikki Mantle, talking about how with Nikki's help, they're going to screw Queen Mylisiv out of the T&A XX Division Title at Living In Sin. Gotta admire the honesty, I guess. The crowd erupts as Mylisiv runs in from behind them and leaves Nikki laying with bat shots in the back. Yowza, Mantle may be on the disabled list after those shots. O'Rexic runs away as she's too small of a target for Mylisiv to hit, apparently.
Death vs. Alan Qaida in a Six-Pack In The Belly Ladder Match qualifying match
Holy shit, a match! Usual Qaida offense to start. Qaida with a back suplex. AQ sets up a chair and leaps at Death, but Death rocket launches him down into the chair. Ow. Qaida fights back and eventually hits a cartwheel moonsault. Death is apparently bored of all this selling and hits an inverted atomic drop, a clothesline, a big boot and a powerslam. Qaida with a dropkick to Death's shin. Qaida heads up top and comes off flying, but Death simply walks away and lets Qaida crash and burn. Backbreaker and sideslam by Death. Death with a chinlock. He then remembers that *gasp* he didn't hit one kneelift thus far in the match, and corrects that with several of them in the corner. He puts Qaida up top. Then, HOLY SHIT, he hits a sit down Netherworld superpowerbomb! Awesome! Death with the pin. Death qualifies. *1/4
-Meanwhile, Generic Foot Locker Employee tells Styles that he has been training Logonoa. He says, in his usual Spanish Norse speech pattern, that Logonoa has been considered lazy and unmotivated since his debut in BOB. Thus, GFLE has come up with motivation. He holds up some small raw fish, from which Styles recoils. GFLE tosses it to Logonoa, who grabs it out of the air and devours it. Hey, if it makes sea lions do tricks, maybe it'll make Logonoa work an interesting match. At Living In Sin, Logonoa is going to eat these raw fish alive. And also beat Dr. Thrilla. Speaking of, Thrilla runs in and hits Logonoa, GFLE and even Styles with a stop sign before the CPU comes to the rescue and forces Thrilla away.
The Undietaker vs. Kurt Angel in a Six-Pack In The Belly Ladder Match qualifying match
Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is out for color commentary to talk about the attack by the STWF that will keep her out of action for a few months. Scotty volunteers to bathe her if she needs any sponge baths. Scotty mistakenly thinks that Sarah is in rehab for drugs or alcohol. "Do I look like Lindsay Lohan? It's for my leg." Scotty: "Oh, I know how that goes. Once my toe was hooked on meth. It took years of rehab before it finally kicked the habit." Scotty just doesn't get it that she's rehabbing her knee. Pretty funny stuff as Sarah gets angrier and angrier at him. All this talk of drugs keeps distracting Kurt in the ring as well, as each time they mention drugs, Kurt stops and gives Undietaker an opening as they brawl early on. Sarah is angry at the STWF, but glad Dubya is making the needed changes in BOB to combat stereotypism. On the floor, Angel locks in an Angel Lock, but he has to get back in the ring before the count out since you never know exactly when Generic Ref will count to ten. Alex Smith joins the commentary team after a brief bullhorning about global warming and how the government uses a lack of understanding of science on the part of the public to increase its own power by convincing people they are in danger and they can only be saved by letting the government institute more control, adding that government can never regulate nature, no matter how much they claim they can. Man, lots of brawling and no-selling. Ohhhhh, right. It's an Undietaker match. Silly me. Angel impresses me with an overhead belly to belly suplex. See what a little PCP will do for you? Smith and Sarah discuss the false flag stereotypist attacks in BOB lately. Smith says "who benefits?" Smith believes that it's more likely that Dimension Z sure has benefited. Three of their four members are fighting for titles at Living In Sin. All of their enemies have been eliminated. The match suddenly comes to a halt as Undietaker leaves and goes after Smith, pounding the crap out of him and then delivering a Wedgie-Aided Chokeslam From Hell through the EZ-Break Announce Table. While this is going on, Taker is counted out. Yeah. Total yawner of a match saved by the bickering on commentary. *
-Meanwhile, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants cuts a super-intense promo about douja. He says douja is the reason the STWF went out of business (but DID they? Tune in two weeks to find out, maybe!). He said that all of douja's accomplishments don't amount of a dung hill. He calls douja a champion of nothing and he's going to take the BOB Legend Title from him just because. SMP will prove he is the best of all times in this match that has been 10 years in the making.
-Meanwhile, douja cuts a promo in a smoky room on SMP. He says this will be the biggest and most important match ever, and Mark Shill even does a cameo to drive home the point. "If you only buy one BOB show this year, make it LIVING IN SIN!" He's still got it...but back to douja...he talks about Nurse Heidi's smelly cooter. He puts over his BOB Legend Title as the most important title in BOB. To sum up: "fuck smp." But that's not all on douja/SMP. Stay tuned because during the main event, the special guest bus driver referee will be announced.
Massive Man Rendition First vs. Randall Mooby in a Six-Pack In The Belly Ladder Match qualifying match
Dubya comes out and says because they are running short on time, they need to add in a THIRD person to this match. Whoever doesn't get pinned will go to Living In Sin. And the third man is..."Totally Packaged" Jim!
Massive Man Rendition First vs. Randall Mooby vs. "Totally Packaged" Jim in a Six-Pack In The Belly Ladder Match qualifying match
Ugly start as Mooby can't get enough distance and misses both guys with a cross body. Scotty wishes he could crawl under the desk and hide after that, but Undietaker destroyed the table. Scotty's protégé is in trouble early and it's pretty ugly the rest of the way as well. Mooby almost breaks the record for blown spots in a match. Jim and MMR1 head up top and do a cool variation of Total Elimination, as MMR1 hits the leaping side kick and Jim takes out Mooby's legs. Jim grabs Mooby and they perform a Hart Attack. Sweet. MMR1 and Jim are having fun now. Then it's Demolition Decapitation. Mooby is just getting the shit-kicking of a lifetime, and the crowd is loving the old school tag team moves. Doomsday Device! Yes! I know I shouldn't be so entertained by one man being DESTROYED, but this is GREAT! MMR1 and Jim trying to figure out what next to hit. Holy shit, they begin walking around like the Bushwhackers~! MMR1 with a headlock on Jim and he does the battering ram into Mooby! Massive Man then heads up top and it's the MIDNIGHT EXPRESS ROCKET LAUNCHER! One, two, three. One of the most fun squashes you'll ever see. Jim and MMR1 both qualify. **
Main Event: Pigeon + Axl Van Halen vs. Sir Zeno + Mr. Paradox
Let the overbooking begin! Before the match can begin, Michelle is out to announce the special enforcer bus driver for the Moving Bus Match between Silaconne M. Plants and douja and Living In Sin. "No Oh Dyslexic I'm" by the Hairy Aureolas plays. Out comes the Dyslexic Avenger! And he's wearing a referee's shirt backwards. Dear lord, they wouldn't let him drive a bus, would they? He's got a mic. "It's to great Sin City be in!" Michelle asks why he's out here and why he's wearing a referee T-shirt since he's not the special enforcer bus driver. "Will real the guest referee up stand?" Apparently, he's there to shoot out free T-shirts to the crowd. Funny chant of DON'T KILL MAUDE! Of course, Dyslexic Avenger accidentally shoots himself in the face with the gun and knocks himself out.
"HELLRO AW YOO STOOPID PEEPOLE!" Now "Charlie" is back? Holy shit! And so is Viet Kong. Yes, both of them are in referee shirts. Michelle says that neither one of them are the special bus driver. "Charlie" tells everyone in "Sin Shitty" that Viet Kong ees gonna win dee March Mayhem tournyment. Out next in a referee uh...banana hammock? Sir Hungalot. And then they started coming out fast and furious one by one...apparently they ran out of microphones for everyone, and "Charlie" wouldn't give up his microphone...Bohemoth! Blackjack Hooligan! Homicidal Hank! Softcore Zak! Violent Pacifist! Justin Voss! Flatline! Claude Leroux! Jean Bannister! Mittens! Mr. Intensity! Organ Grinder! The Tiger! Roy D. Rage! Sir Ronald Killalot! Premslwvk! B.F. Sack! Zilla! BILL! It was getting mighty crowded at the entryway as everybody argued. Amazingly, Billy Polar came out to a huge pop and the greatest white luchador EVER had managed to find a microphone. Shocker. After his usual boasting and reminding everybody that's he went to Harvard, all hell broke loose. The Domino came out to another huge pop. He tore into Billy Polar and a couple greaser jabroneys in that company on the East Coast. Michelle has lost total control and says "None of you are the special bus driver for Living In Sin. HE IS!"
Sounds of stuff breaking. HUGE POP! Holy shit, this is an all you can STONECUTTER buffet right here! Luke Warm walked out with Yoohoo already dripping down his face, sporting his T-shirt: "Arrive. STONECUTTER. Leave." He walked past EVERYBODY and went right to the ring. Both teams headed to the floor, not wanting to get soaked in Yoohoo or STONECUTTERED. He went to all four corners and called for some more Yoohoo. Somebody tossed him some bottles of Yoohoo and he toasted the cheering crowd. After a couple minutes of that, I'm waiting and waiting for STONECUTTERS, but instead Warm just walks up the aisle and leaves. But it ain't over yet as sounds of cookie jars breaking fills the arena! HARDCORE JJ runs out and starts hitting JJ DROPS on everybody.
-Meanwhile, Styles, at the risk of getting STONECUTTERED, wants to know why he didn't STONECUTTER anybody? Well, shoot... "Why give it away for free?" Styles gets a Yoohoo dumped on him. And we're finally ready for the main event. Everybody is still selling the JJ DROPs back in the Ballroom.
Main Event: Pigeon + Axl Van Halen vs. Sir Zeno + Mr. Paradox
Will the STWF attack? Stay tuned! Zeno and Van Halen to start. Zeno with a superkick. Zeno with a low blow kick. Then, apparently deciding that wasn't enough pain, he pretended he was putting out a cigarette in Axl's crotch with his foot. Yeooowch! Or maybe he was, who knows? Zeno and Paradox with a double dropkick on Axl. Paradox holds Axl down for Zeno to hit a top rope elbow drop. Zeno then connects with a beautiful tornado DDT. Van Halen fights back and hits a sleeperDDT. Axl tries for a tag, but Zeno dropkicks him right into Pigeon, and Pigeon goes flying to the floor. Slugfest ends after Zeno hits a back suplex on Van Halen. Van Halen comes back and hits a bulldog and a running side kick. Up top, missile dropkick by Axl connects. Zeno overpowers Axl with punches and kneelifts. But Van Halen manages to crawl between Zeno's legs and make the tag. Zeno tags out. Paradox goes after Van Halen and blasts him, but Pigeon gets the advantage. Mudhole stomping by Pigeon. Paradox reverses a whip to the buckles and hits a cartwheel elbow and then a bulldog. Pigeon drop toe holds Paradox to the middle rope and then locks in a neckbreaker stretch. Pigeon charges right into a Reverse Backbreaker with a Spanish Twist for two, but Van Halen makes the save, pulling him off wheelbarrow style. And Paradox doesn't like that. Pigeon takes down Paradox and tags in Axl, who hits the Rock-O-Lution! Paradox kicks out! Van Halen staggers Paradox with a dropkick and then lands a nasty low blow punt to Paradox's crotch, but Paradox falls into a tag and here comes Zeno. He grabs Axl and delivers an Eternal Question (Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?).
Pigeon breaks up the cover at two. All four are brawling. Zeno tries a plancha on Pigeon, but misses. As Zeno gets in, he's dropkicked in the face by Van Halen. Spin kick by Van Halen. Zeno manages to get the tag, and Paradox hits a second Reverse Backbreaker with a Spanish Twist, this time on Axl, who gets a foot on the rope at two. Paradox heads up top, but Axl is up and delivers a top rope homocanrana. Axl tags in Pigeon, and Pigeon with a suckerpunch decks Axl to the delight of the crowd. Axl recovers in time to stop Paradox from making the tag. Double powerbomb, and good lord was his face in Paradox's crotch a loooong time there. Paradox gets a breather with a DDT. But here comes Zeno into the ring with a snake? WTF? He's trying to make the snake bite Axl in his Van Halens. BWAHAHAHA! But even the snake seems to be turned off by Van Halen's crotch. I feel like I just entered a low-budget B-horror movie all of a sudden. A helpful fan tells them to shove the snake up Axl's ass, but Axl would probably enjoy that. Say hello to Lemmiwinks...Axl helpfully keeps the snake on his crotch and begins shuddering like he's been bitten...in the crotch... Zeno with the cover and the win? The FUCK? Isn't that a DQ? Or a felony or something? Scotty wonders: "I pity the person who has to suck out the venom." WHO BOOKED THIS CRAP? Was a decent match 'til the sportz entertainment crap at the end. **3/4
-Post-match, Pigeon lays out Zeno and Paradox with chairshots and steals Zeno's "cobra." As Pigeon is doing his arm flapping, with the cobra flailing around in one arm, he gets a JJ DROP from Hardcore JJ. JJ DROP on the cobra? We fade out on the snake? Is that a rubber snake? Holy crap...
A Moment For Us:
The show was going along good until whatever the fuck that main event was. What drugs are the bookers smoking? I want some! Yowza. See you after Send Us Money: Living In Sin for some March Mayhem.
© 2007 BOB Wrestling! No STWF Attacks In 7 Days!