Beat My Buzzer!
The Ted Rant for SMC 42
By Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy
Yes, I realize I'm now a couple weeks late with this. I was camping out at my local theatre to be the first in line for the premiere of "Grindhouse." And what a movie! Highly recommended. Solid ****1/4 movie, tons of fun bloody greatness. Anyway, I'll be working my butt off this week to catch you all up on SMC in case you weren't able to stay up the last couple weeks. So look out for SMC 43 in a couple of days, and hopefully SMC 44 by the end of the week.
So, we're just off Send Us Money: Living In Sin, so I figured I'd toss in my quick thoughts on the show since I won't be doing a full recap. Axl vs. Paradox was full of entertaining crap and pretty good booking, so I'd give it ***1/4. Dr. Thrilla vs. Logonoa was also entertaining crap, somewhere around **1/2. Beer In The Belly Match was an entertaining spotfest, easily around ***1/2. Mylisiv vs. O'Rexic was nothing special, *. Ditto on Undietaker vs. Smith, *. Tag title match had some decent action, **. The Fingerbang XXX gauntlet had its moments, but overall I can't give it more than *1/4 in good conscience. SMP vs. douja was definitely entertaining, but I don't know how to give this one a rating. It's must-see if you like these guys...uh...***? And Zeno vs. Pigeon was a lot of fun, good brawling though overbooked as per the main event norm, ***1/2.
Not bad for a BOB show, actually. During the Trey Vincent era, I don't think you would have seen a match reach above **, so hopefully Trey will stay in his coma and never come back so his wife can continue to book BOB better than he does. So, with the On-Demand out of the way, it's time to start March Mayhem 2007. Away we go...
-On tape from Sin City.
-Your hosts are Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody.
-Different opening this week as BOB rips off ESPN SportsCenter to tease the various first-round matchups. Just imagine SportsCenter, but with messy editing and more comical fonts. Oh, by the way, since all the matches on this morning's show are clips, there won't be any star ratings.
-A line of jobbers and midcarders have gathered in a line in the aisle. The new OWCTM Sir Zeno emerges with his crew and informs us all that he is going to ask all the lowly BOB members who is the greatest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS of all-time, to which they must respond, "You are." If they choose not to respond in a submissive manner, Mr. Paradox will "shish kebab" them. Which I assume means he'll stick his sword in a very nasty place. Yowza. However, Pigeon hits the ring to interrupt the ego-fest and announces that he has been raped. Sadly, not by Michelle, but by the STWF. He says Zeno didn't beat him. Zeno says he beat Pigeon to a bloody mess and he'll do it again right now. We've got a brawl, with Pigeon left standing alone in the ring at the end. Crowd boos him because Zeno is over huge in Sin City. Solid opening segment.
-To Mike in the BOB Studio, for Bobo Fiendish (4) vs. Little Good (13). When last we saw Fiendish, he was trying to reap vengeance on Axl Van Halen. When last we saw Little Good, he was getting a Dorito implanted in his brain...for the SECOND time. Clip of Little Good winding up and trying to hit Fiendish, but LG crumples, holding his head and screaming. Apparently, he can't do any violence against non-jobbers, or some nonsense. Clip of Fiendish hitting Farewell To The Flesh. Fiendish gets the win.
-Over to Scotty for Viet Kong (7) vs. Softcore Zack (10). Kong is a two-time Swiss Army Belt champion making his triumphant return to the tournament. Zack is a former STWFer, and I'm honestly not too familiar with him if he ever even held a title there. Sorry fanboys...Scotty pretends he's "Charlie" as he weeds de highwights of de match. Cleep ov Kong wiff a chokesram. Softcore Zack weeth Meester Jocko. Boot Viet Kong wiff De Rice Cannon crothesrine and gets dee veectory.
-Back to Mike for Insano Mano (6) vs. Organ Grinder (11). Mike puts over the Mano and Kamikazie Ken portion of the Living In Sin gauntlet match. Grinder once held the STWF Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is Not a Championship Belt But It's Close" belt. Clip of Mano with a 720 double foot stomp to Grinder's midsection. Mano is always good for highspots. Mano with a reverse shooting star press! Holy shit! Clip of Mano with the Insano Tumbleweedo and pinning a dizzied and destroyed Organ Grinder. Damn.
-Back to Scotty for Dyslexic Avenger (14) vs. Bohemoth (3). Avenger is a dyslexic superhero and world-class jobber. Bohemoth is a former multiple STWF champion and won the BOB OWTTM in March Mayhem 2002. Clips Avenger of laps around doing Bohemoth. Next clip for the, Scotty makes call the: "OGRE! OGRE! OGRE!" Yep, it's DA's new finisher. Sadly but, stuck DA gets Big Bo's in fat rolls of. Bo mountainous with a splash win gets the and Bo.
-douja, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Kamikazie Ken, Coma, Massive Man Rendition First and "Totally Packaged" Jim are in the ring. Dubya, escorted by Lock, Shock and Barry, join them to discuss the STWF. Dubya knows that SMP and douja appear to be at war, but they found common ground to attack Axl Van Halen. Could they also be masterminding the STWF? Heck, when SMP came back to BOB, he was dressed all in black and in a black mask. douja is also capable of doing anything for weed money. Massive Man and Jim apparently are capable of anything. Did Jim make a deal with the devil to get his life back after being killed by Death? Massive Man is just a dick, apparently, and easily could be involved with the STWF. Ken? Maybe he's just sick of being blown up all the time and is exacting revenge on BOB via STWF. Coma? Even he has proven he has a dark side when he joined the Skull & Bones Society. Fran? Top line, these six guys are not to be trusted. However, they're gonna get a chance to prove themselves. The STWF has made a deal. They'll leave March Mayhem alone if they get an eight-man tag team match at Mayhem In Mayday. So BOB needs a team. Four of these men will represent BOB to prove they are not involved in the stereotypist attacks. The first four men eliminated from the tournament will make up BOB's contingent to fight the STWF. And they better win and unmask the STWF, or else...their days in BOB may be numbered.
-Back to Mike for Sgt. Genocide (5) vs. Mr. Intensity (12). Genocide is a former STWF Intergalactic Champion, and was last seen distracting Axl Van Halen at Living In Sin for a Bobo Fiendish beatdown. Mr. Intensity's got your intensity RIGHT HERE! Clip of Genocide powerbombing Intensity from the ring to the floor. Ouch. Clip of Intensity getting backdropped onto the top turnbuckle/steel post. That's pretty much the end there, but Genocide hits The Eliminator headbutt for the final pin.
-Over to Scotty for "Totally Packaged" Jim (2) vs. DJ Rawkus (15). Scotty puts over Jim's efforts in the Living In Sin ladder match, even though he didn't win, he came very close. Rawkus, of course, was too lazy to even wrestle at Living In Sin because of his guaranteed contract. Jim is looking for redemption through March Mayhem. Squash city as Jim hits a nice dropkick. Clip of Jim with a springboard splash. Clip of Jim hitting the Krew Kutter, and that's about it as Jim gets the victory.
-Back to Mike for Violent Pacifist (3) vs. Golden Glove (14). VP is a former OWTTM, Swiss Army, AYOOYFM champ and has held several other belts in his career. Glove is fresh off a victory with his tag team partner THE PENETRATOR against Fingerbang XXX. Clip of Glove trying some patented ballshot offense, but apparently VP was wearing a cup. Clip of VP hotshotting Glove on the Flimsy Guard Rail™. Clip of VP hitting the Nine Inch Nailer and getting the pin.
-Back to Scotty for Undietaker (6) vs. Claude Leroux (11). Taker is fresh off a victory against Alex Smith and has been gunning for Sir Zeno for weeks, so winning this tournament would guarantee him that match. Leroux is...what...Canadian? I can't remember, and neither can Scotty. Undietaker with a top rope wedgie walk attempt, but Leroux sends Undietaker all the way to the floor. Clips of them brawling through the crowd, and Taker takes a few fans' undies. Clip of Undietaker hitting the Wedgie-Aided Chokeslam From Hell, and that is it for Leroux.
-It's now time for an Axl Van Halen segment. He debuts a brand new Swiss Army Belt design. Tifa carries down a pink spinning guitar belt. The crowd looks ready to riot, or kill him. Tifa straps it on him and he spins the title belt ZZ Top style, but more flamboyantly. Mr. Paradox is out and chases them off with his sword. Apparently, their war isn't over. But then "The Rated ARRR SuperstARRR" XamfARRR appears on the 2-Cheap-2-Own TVs and mocks PARRRadox. Xamfir says that someday soon, he will prove that the eyesocket be mightier than the sword, matey.
-Back to Mike for some old school goodness in the form of Homicidal Hank (6) vs. "The Stereotyped Face" Justin Voss (11). Hank is an STWF legend, and also was a BOB original. Voss is a multiple time Swiss Army Belt holder. Voss is nearly booed out of the building, since Sin City hates faces. Clip of them brawling on top of the EZ Break Announce Desk and it collapses. Clip of Voss hitting the Grinbreaker, but Hank kicks out. Clip of Hank hitting the Homicidal Hammer, but Voss kicks out. Spike distracts Generic Ref and Hank tries to use a chair on Voss, but Voss avoids and hits a second Grinbreaker. Voss dropkicks Spike and gets the upset pin.
-Back to Scotty for douja (1) vs. BILL (16). douja is coming off the hugely hyped Moving Bus Match draw. BILL is coming off of...who cares? KICK WHAM CHRONIC NECK PAIN. douja wins. BILL is taken out on a stretcher.
-Back to Mike for Alan Qaida (8) vs. Uber Vampire Warrior (9), one-half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone tag champs. Qaida looks good for all the torture a week ago. Clip of Qaida trying to put Vamp through a table, but he overshoots and damn near kills himself on the floor. Clip of Vamp with a corkscrew elbow drop on the floor. Clip of Qaida crotching himself trying to do some springboard move. Clip of Uber Vamp with the Impaler DDT and Vamp getting the win.
-Back to Scotty for Mr. Paradox (2) vs. ThatGuy (15). Paradox is fresh off a close loss against Axl Van Halen and no doubt out for blood. ThatGuy is frickin' insane. Clip of ThatGuy trying to lock on the Hideous Finger Bite, but Paradox counters with the Reverse Backbreaker with a Spanish Twist to pick up the win.
-Luke Warm is out to have a talk with someone. Who? The Flunky. Who? The Flunky. Who? The Flunky. The Flunky heads to the ring. Warm wants to know who was in charge of gassing up the bus for Living In Sin. Who? The Flunky was. Who? The Flunky. Why did the bus run out of gas? Why? Why? Why? Dubya didn't give Flunky enough money to fill it up. Not enough money? What? Greenbacks? What? Moolah? What? Scratch. What? Bucks. What? Ducats. What? You know what happens when the bus Warm is driving runs out of gas? He gets cranky. What? He gets CRANKY. Why? Because the fans deserve a winner. Who? Either douja. Who? Or SMP. Who? Warm tells Flunky that it's time for some Luke-Hoos. When? Now. Thumbs up from Warm so Flunky goes to toss Warm some Luke-Hoos. One Luke-Hoo. Two Luke-Hoos. Three Luke-Hoos. Four...five...STONECUTTER. Luke gets the rest himself and drinks and salutes the crowd in all four corners of the ring.
-Back to Mike for Dr. Thrilla (3) vs. Alex Smith (14). Thrilla is of course coming off a win on Logonoa from Living In Sin and looking to continue his momentum. Smith is coming off a loss at the hands of Undietaker and hasn't really endeared himself to Dimension Z, saying they are the real stereotypists, not the masked STWFers. Can Smith prove his conspiracy theory? Clip of Smith's Magic Bullet (top rope dropkick) misses. Clip of Thrilla bludgeoning Smith in the corner. Clip of Thrilla biting Smith on the nose and forcing Smith to tap out. Clip of a bloody Smith trying to plug his Web sites and vowing to never give up his fight against Slavery Inc. I know I feel relieved.
-Back to Scotty for Hallucination Boy (8) vs. The Tiger (9). This is HB's first match where he wasn't one-half of the tag champs in years. The Tiger was a mainstay and champion in the STWF. Clips of HB diving out of the way of the charging Tiger. Clip of HB collapsing as a result of exhaustion from all the diving and self-inflicted bumping. Tiger simply puts a foot on HB for the pin. Minor upset win here by the veteran. But really, it was only Hallucination Boy...
-Back to Mike for Blackjack Hooligan (7) vs. Logonoa (10). Clip of Coma coming out and yelling "Gonzaga" before wandering away. Clip of Logonoa hitting the Fat Bottom and getting a tasty dead fish from Generic Foot Locker Employee. Clip of GFLE distracting the referee, but Hooligan grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over Logonoa's head. That's enough for the victory.
-Back to Scotty for Dr. Silaconne M. Plants (1) vs. Snapmare Kid (16). SMP is fresh off the Moving Bus Match. SMK is fresh off the blah tag team gauntlet. KICK WHAM MED DEGREE. SMP with an easy victory.
-Skull & Bones promo time. Death says they are the most elite group in parody sports entertainment today. Uber Vamp and Lord Athackkimentham said they were gonna beat Coma and Hallucination Boy, and they did it. Death said he would win the Beer In The Belly Ladder Match, and he did it. And next? There is an On-Demand coming up in May. And Death does have a six-pack. But Death tells Sir Zeno to keep looking over his shoulder. Death is coming for Zeno the same way Anna Nicole Smith came for him after he killed her. They are the face of BOB, not Dimension Z. Death says they run the federation. Until Death decides it's his time, he tells Zeno to enjoy his title reign. Death has to run to an hWo (Heaven Wrestling Organization?) event featuring Mike Awesome vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and ????. He's the Death there is, the Death there was and the Death there ever will be. LA: "Hail SANTA!" UVW: "Hmm hmm hmm hmm!"
A Moment For Us:
If you like wrestling, this was not the show for you. However, this gave a totally different feel than the usual BOB show and was probably a really good way of cramming in a bunch of matches instead of dragging out the tournament for weeks. Despite the lack of matches, solid thumbs up for tons of entertaining segments and some good highlights.
© 2007 BOB Wrestling. Psst, you're dribbling!