Wrestlewhatia Is Tonight?
The Ted Rant for SMC 43
By Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy
Apologies once again on the lateness. Aside from my "Grindhouse" campout, I then came down with a serious case of a hangover. I thought I had that already when I was a kid? Oh well. I'll never be drunk enough to order Wrestlemania, though. Well, that, and I'd rather spend my money on alcohol...and BOB On-Demand events! Alright, true, I don't even technically have to pay for them. No, not because I work for BOB, but because I usually just spend $3 to have somebody else download it and burn it for me on a disc. What, you think I'm gonna spend $10 when I could spend $3?
-On tape from Sin City.
-Your hosts are Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody.
-Same opening as last week as BOB rips off ESPN SportsCenter to tease the various first-round matchups. Just imagine SportsCenter, but with messy editing and more comical fonts. Oh, by the way, since all the matches on this morning's show are clips, there won't be any star ratings. And god bless cut-and-paste.
-We start off with the airing of an STWF "stereotypist" tape that surfaced on the internets. The masked leader says they took out BOB's biggest stars. At Mayhem in Mayday, they'll take out whoever is left. SMP? douja? Coma? Kamikazie Ken? Massive Man? Jim? He says they've beaten them all already. "You won't find out who we are until it's too late." The gist of the message is that BOB will wither and die like it should have years ago. "See you all soon."
-To Mike for highlights of Pete "Xfactor" Trable (4) vs. Flatline (13). Trable is fresh off losing in the Beer In The Belly Ladder Match, while Flatline is fresh off accidentally costing Coma and Hallucination Boy the tag titles at Living In Sin. Trable vows to make Flatline gag worse than the dude in Paris Hilton's latest sex tape. Via rhyme, he challenges Flatline to a drinking contest. Coma comes out, not wanting this to be aired on TV, I guess. But Trable easily downs a glass of root beer. Flatline concentrates hard on his cup of root beer, but the cup hits him square in the cheek and soda pours down his face. Ohhhhhhkay...Trable advances. Is there rehab for Flatline's problem?
-We go to Scotty for highlights of Sir Hungalot (7) vs. Mittens (10). Clip of Mittens delivering Great Khaliesque headbutts to the air, but Big Sir selling like a pro. Clip of Jean Bannister running down to distract Mittens, and Hungalot uses an "foreign sex object" on Mittens to get a win. He then went on to use that sex object with several lucky ladies later that night to celebrate, I'm sure.
-Back to Mike for Pigeon (2) vs. MC Carjack (15). Pigeon is fresh off his loss to Sir Zeno, while Carjack is fresh off being lazizzle. Scotty puts over how Pigeon wants to fulfill his destiny...banging Michelle. And apparently, to do that, he MUST win the OWTTM. Clip of Pigeon beating on MC with a broken record. Clip of a bloody Carjack. Clip of Michelle distracting Generic Ref for Pigeon to break out a stapler and YEOW! Staple to the groin! Pigeon Drop. Pigeon wins...and also does amateur vasectomies on the side.
-Back to Scotty for Luke Warm (6) vs. Lord Lestat von Sexbat (11). Clip of Warm doing his pre-match thumbs up routine when Sexbat hits a STONECUTTER on Warm! Clips of the crowd in shock at Sexbat gets the 1, 2, 3. I guess Warm wanted to put over his finishing move. Clips afterward of Warm with Luke-Hoos, and then STONECUTTING Generic Ref for that bullcrap booking. Notre Dame can kiss his butt. WHAT? His ass. WHAT? His backside. WHAT? His booty! WHAT? His gluteus maximus! WHAT? His derriere!
-Time for an XX Division segment to set up the "Babes Behind Bars" match at MAYhem In Mayday. Queen Mylisiv announces that she will be leading a team against Anne O'Rexic's team, and whoever scores the pin in the match will become #1 contender for the title. Mylisiv will just be there to be beating the crap out of all the other chicks. Michelle interrupts to tell Mylisiv that her man Szir Zeno better give Pigeon a title match. QM: "Or what? I'll kidnap and torture you?" Michelle: "Or, Pigeon will staple your pussy closed, bitch!" Snap! Oh no she di'n't. Pigeon is in the ring behind Mylisiv and decks her. He's holding her crotch hostage with a stapler! Sir Zeno is out as Pigeon and Michelle demand an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS shot. Zeno is out and says fine, but on one condition. Michelle must now be on Anne O'Rexic's team in the Babes Behind Bars match. Michelle is all, it's on. Pigeon lets Mylisiv go. Good heat on Pigeon and Michelle.
-We go to Mike for Domino (5) vs. BF Sack (12). When last we saw Domino, he defeated Luke Warm in a battle of legends at Grudge Match A-Go-Go. I have no clue when last we saw BF Sack... Anyway, clip of Domino laying the tipover down on Sack. Clip of Sack tossing Domino into the Flimsy Guardrail™, and Domino rebounding with a clothesline. Clip of Domino trying to figure out how to do a sharpshooter, but he gives up and hits a Domino Rally for the pin. Domino advances.
-To Scotty for Massive Man Rendition First (2) vs. The PENETRATOR (15). MMR1, the BOB grand-slammer (OWCTM, Swiss Army, AYOOYFM, tag titles), is looking to rebound (pun!) after not winning in the Beer In The Belly Match, while PENETRATOR is fresh off a victory in the tag team gauntlet match against Fingerbang XXX. MMR1 catches a kick and flips PENETRATOR head over heels and lands on his face. Clip of a Leap Of Fate missing. Clip of TP going for the Ball Shot Of Death, but MMR1 jumps over TP's head and hits a Leap Of Fate. 1, 2, 3, MMR1 advances.
-Back to Mike for Kurt Angel (7) vs. Lord Athackkimentham (10). Angel also was a loser in the Beer In The Belly Match but is a former OWCTM (granted, only for a couple of seconds, but still...), while Lord A became half of the tag champs at Living In Sin (despite not even having a bio up, amazing!). Clip of Lord A getting DQed after hitting Kurt with an inverted candy cane. Yes, you read that right. Kurt is a bloody mess after the attack. RVS makes a save, chasing off Lord A with a computer keyboard. Angel advances.
-Back to Scotty for Coma (3) vs. Randall Mooby (14). Coma didn't fare well at Living In Sin, losing the tag titles, while Mooby got tortured on the show. Clip of Mooby charging to the corner, Coma ducking and Mooby hitting the turnbuckles. Clip of Flatline coming out and distracting Generic Ref. Mooby's got a spatula! He tries to hit Coma, but instead hits the top rope, and of course, the spatula rebounds and hits Mooby in the face for the knockout blow. Coma gets the 1, 2, 3.
-In a "Grindhouse" moment, a large announcement comes onscreen that says "Segment Missing, Our Apologies - Management". Funny.
-To Mike for Kevin The Pyromaniac (5) vs. Roy D. Rage (12). Clip of Ray blowing out his quad during a collar and flaming elbow tie up. Rage gets the stretcher job. Amazing what the steroids do to the quad muscle, eh Trips? Er, Ray? Kevin wins via forfeit.
-To Scotty for Death (1) vs. Steve Leary (16). Death is the de facto #1 Contender, while Leary is a jobber for life. Death hits a sideslam. Death hits the Touch Of Death and covers him with a bony foot. Sadly, this was the whole match, not clips. Death advances.
-Back to Mike for Jean Bannister (8) vs. Pzremslwvk (9). Bannister is a former tag champion, while Pzremslwvk is a former Pan-Galactic Champion. Generic Ref confiscates various weapons from Bannister's hockey shorts, including a barbed wire puck, barbed wire glove and an elbow pad covered in broken glass. Yowza. We almost had a Tai Pei Elbow Match? Clips of them engaged in a hockey style brawl, pounding on each other before Bannister falls on top of Premslvvk. That was when a locomotive drove down the aisle and crashed into the ring. KRITCH! KRITCH! KRITCH! IS HERE! Kritch jumps off the Purdue Boilermaker Special! Headbutt to Bannister! Pzremslwvk makes the cover and gets the victory?
-Back to Scotty for Hardcore JJ (4) vs. XXXtreme Machine (13). JJ is a former OWCTM, and XXXtreme Machine is ready to suk. As for the match, it's: Arrive. KICK WHAM JJ DROP. One, two, three. Leave.
-In a "Grindhouse" moment, a large announcement comes onscreen that says "Segment Missing, Our Apologies - Management". Whoa, déjà vu!
-To Mike for Billy Polar (4) vs. Rob Van Spam (13). Polar is yet another former OWCTM. RVS is a stoner and flunky of douja's, dood! Clip of Billy tossing RVS off the top rope and into the Flimsy Guardrail™. Clip of Polar hitting a tope suicida and both men crashing to the floor. Generic Ref then climbs up to the top rope and vies onto both men! Crowd goes apeshit. As Generic Ref recovers, Polar grabs his Harvard yearbook, featuring lots of "Have a nice summer, asshole!" comments, and blasts RVS in the head. Cover. One, two, three. Polar advances.
-Back to Scotty for Sir Ronald Killalot (8) vs. Dustbuster Boy (9). Killalot is yet another former OWCTM. Dusty did once have the Swiss Army Belt for some reason. Clip of Killalot yelling at the crowd for dustpans. One comes. Then another. And then all hell breaks loose as dustpans rain into the ring in a moment you've GOT to see to believe. It's the most notorious dustpan throwing incident in wrestling history! And no doubt will be in the opening credits for years, even after both these guys don't even wrestle for the company anymore. Nurse Heidi begs everyone to stop throwing the dustpans, but they don't. Killalot falls on a dustpan covered Dustbuster Boy and gets the pin.
-Back to Mike for Kamikazie Ken (5) vs. Zilla (12). Since the ring is still being cleaned up, Zilla challenges Ken to a rock, paper, scissors contest. Crowd boos, as they're expecting a hardcore brawl with these two. Zilla says BOB isn't paying him enough to have a match against Kamikazie Ken. Can't argue with the truth. Both guys hit scissors. Both guys hit rock. It's become best two out of three. Ken then pulls out the victory with paper vs. rock. Ken advances.
-And to Scotty for the final first-round match, Axl Van Halen (1) vs. John Skeet (16). Axl is your NEW Swiss Army Belt champion. Skeeter is a BRILLIANT jobber. Clip of Axl locking in a bear hug and tapping out. Hey, I'd probably tap out too! Axl advances. And prances. And that's it for round one matches. Next week will be round two, oddly...
-Main Event Segment features douja attacking Axl Van Halen post-match. SMP runs in and douja is ready to brawl with SMP, but both decide to beat on Axl! Crowd is loving it. Death walks halfway down the aisle. That's all four number one seeds right there. SMP and douja each start violently shoving each other away so they can inflict more damage on Van Halen. Then SMP and douja just start shoving each other and forget all about Van Halen for a moment! HUGE staredown as the crowd is about to go nuclear. Zeno walks out with his crew and watches it all laughing. He mouths the words, "There is nobody who can stop me." End show.
A Moment For Us:
Another highly enjoyable show, with tons of amazing highlights, plus even some angle advancement. The prospects of any of those four facing Sir Zeno had potential for a decent match. Plus, it looks like there'll be more Pigeon/Zeno, so I'm not complaining. Thumbs up. See y'all as soon as this hangover goes away!
© 2007 BOB Wrestling. Our crap is cheaper!