You Want Writer's Block?
The Ted Rant for SMC 44
By Ted the Sarcastic Fratboy
Right, so now I'm about a month behind schedule with my recapping. Blow me if you can't deal with it. Yes, I've seen all the comments about how bad a recapper I am and how BOB's Web site is grinding to a halt. Fuck you, bitches. Just for that, I'm gonna do the shittiest shitty recap I can. Enjoy...
-On tape from Sin City.
-Your hosts are Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody.
-Opening segment features Dubya being escorted into his private office by CPU agents (i.e. local jobbers). Apparently Dustbuster Boy, John Skeet and Steve Leary got the boot from the agency after the debacle at Living In Sin because they aren't part of the entourage anymore. Everyone's favorite conspiracy theorist Alex Smith begins bullhorning about the Satanic Dubya and how he worships death (or Death?) and chaos. Smith says that Dubya is destroying wrestlers careers for his own personal profit and that he is willing to sacrifice any of the people in BOB for the STWF. Once the door is secure, the CPU agents all jump and beat on Smith. Randall Mooby runs in and holds a CPU agent hostage with a spatula. "Don't test me man, I know how to use it!" The ploy works, and Smith is saved from a further beating.
-douja (1) vs. The Tiger (9). Not the all time classic I was expectinBWAHAHAHA...almost got that sentence out with laughing. douja wins after blowing some smoke in Tiger's eyes and then hitting Chronic Neck Pain. *
-Somewhere in the hotel, THE Domino talks some major funny shit about Pete Trable, calling him a Domino-wannabe, then goes off on a Spice Girls wannabe riff, singing a little ditty, "If You Wanna Be My Bitch..." where all he has to do is show up at SMC next week.
-Somewhere else in the hotel, Pete Trable does a bit of rapping, confusing Domino with some jobber "Grease" reject. "He's got a 'Deuce,' you're just a douche." Meow... Next week: Domino vs. Trable. This will be a recurring theme this morning as they're hyping the shit out of next week's show with segments. Planning? In BOB? Zuh???
-Sgt. Genocide (5) vs. Bobo Fiendish (4). Whatbody calls this "winner gets to cripple Axl Van Halen match." Whatbody laughs at the thought of Pzremslvvk winning another match. Pretty stiff and brutal match. Genocide gets the win after choking out Fiendish with what appears to be a guitar string. Sick, bloody, brutal match that needed about another 10 minutes. **3/4 Axl Van Halen runs in and hits Genocide with the Swiss Army Belt. Kritch runs out and chases off Axl Van Halen. Why is Kritch getting such a huge push? One of the bookers must be into bestiality. Kritch is pretty hot... *Ahem*
-Insano Mano (6) vs. Violent Pacifist (3). FUCK THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST NETWORK. Blue screen of death, beeping and a never ending announcement about "this is a test..." Not only in English, but also in Spanish? Yeah, FUCK YOU! And vete a la mierda (thanks for that one, Babel Fish)! I have no idea what happens. Seriously. But I know VP wins. And I know that when there is a nuclear war, there ain't gonna be any TVs left. Fuckers.
-Sir Hungalot and Massive Man Rendition First had a deep discussion backstage. I think the word "dude" was used 24 times.
-Undietaker (6) vs. Bohemoth (3). It's about as entertaining as you'd expect with these two. Undietaker does pull out a bit of an upset here with the weakest looking Wedgie Aided Chokeslam From Hell ever. DUD
-Viet Kong (7) vs. Jim (2). Decent David/Goliath type of story. "Charlie" is entertaining on commentary. I swear he said "cunt" a record amount of times when referring to the "Cunt State Krew." Jim wins with a victory roll, naturally. *
-Funny backstage segment as Kevin the Pyromaniac steals Billy Polar's treasured Harvard Yearbook and stuffs it down his pants. He then douses his pants with lighter fluid as Polar complains to the hotel staff about Kevin stealing his book. Kevin denies that he stole the yearbook as he sets his pants on fire. Leading to: "Liar, liar...pants on fire?! NO! Somebody, get in Kevin's pants! My yearbook is in there! Save my yearbook!" This was GOLD.
-Pigeon and Michelle were out as Michelle tore Pigeon to shreds verbally, telling him that if he ever wanted to get sex that he better win the OWTTM. Pigeon promises to shower her naked body with gold. Sir Zeno runs in from the audience to a huge pop and crushes Pigeon with a statue of Buddha. Talk about your Nirvana...Pigeon's out, and Zeno grabs Michelle, but she manages to break free and gets out of the ring. But hold on. She gets spun around and gets a Kay's Bottom! Queen Mylisiv steps up beside Kay Fabe, who has apparently joined Mylisiv's team for the PPV Babes Behind Bars Match, and they both smile down on Michelle. Crowd loves it. Zeno's got a stapler! Crotch staple! Meanwhile, Kay and Mylisiv kidnap Michelle. And here comes Kurt Angel? He attacks a helpless and bloody Pigeon. Zeno walks away smiling as Angel locks in an Angel Lock. Ah, next week Pigeon vs. Kurt Angel will take place. The lights go out. And here comes Undietaker to chase off Kurt Angel. Pretty entertaining segment. But why did Taker save Pigeon?
-Justin Voss (11) vs. Dr. Thrilla (3). Pretty much a fast-paced brawl with a few moves thrown in. Thrilla wins by chomping on Voss's hand with those bear trap teeth. *1/2
-Meanwhile, Lord Lestat Von Sexbat and Coma get their goth on. "Queen Elizabeth bites the beaks off of geese, neep!"
-Blackjack Hooligan (7) vs. Mr. Paradox (2). KICK WHAM REVERSE BACKBREAKER WITH A SPANISH TWIST. You know, I could really go for some wrestling right about now... NR
-Backstage, Kamikazie Ken gets the last Pepsi using a coin on a string. Hardcore JJ comes in and sees that the vending machine is out of Pepsis. JJ goes off on a long rant that is strikingly familiar to the lyrics of Suicidal Tendencies classic tune "Institutionalized," ending with JJ yelling about how all he wanted was a Pepsi, just ONE Pepsi, and Ken wouldn't give it to him. What? Just one Pepsi. What? KICK WHAM JJ DROP. Ken crashes into the vending machine, sending sparks and broken plastic bits everywhere.
-Dr. Silaconne M. Plants (1) vs. Uber Vampire Warrior (9). Now we're talking. Axl Van Halen is out to watch, getting massive heel heat from the Sin City crowd. SMP has the early advantage and works over Vamp's head. Death then heads down to the ring and causes a distraction so Uber Vamp can get his chalice and smash SMP over the head. Cover, 1, 2, SMP kicks out. Corkscrew elbow~! Belly to belly suplex by Uber Vamp. And now douja heads out to check out the match so now all the number one seeds are out there. douja trips Uber Vamp as he goes for some offense. Chaos breaks out around ringside as Death and douja get into a brawl. With Generic Ref distracted, Axl Van Halen charges into the ring with his pink guitar title belt as SMP and Uber Vamp are both getting up. Who will he hit? He swings for SMP's head, but SMP ducks...NIPPLE CUTTER ON AXL! Crowd loves it. Uber Vamp with an Impaler DDT on SMP! Generic Ref is in. One! Two! SMP kicks out! Vamp picks up SMP, but gets a Nipple Cutter. But the Smooth Operator is too exhausted to make the cover. Axl Van Halen gets up and tries to get at SMP, but Generic Ref is forced to restrain Van Halen. douja gets in the ring and hits Chronic Neck Pain on Uber Vamp! Death then comes in and hits a sideslam on SMP. Then Lord Athackkimentham, Rob Van Spam and Kurt Angel charge down, and Skull & Bones and the Bongmasters Of The Universe (thanks, Scotty!) are fighting away now outside. Dubya sends down his CPU agents in riot gear and they start going LAPD on everybody's ass (except SMP, Uber Vamp and Generic Ref, and Axl, who is now being chased by some guy in a mask out through the crowd). Every time they hit one of the wrestlers, Scotty keeps yelling "Lawsuit!" Uber Vamp and SMP trade shots and several near falls before SMP gets out of a suplex and hits another Nipple Cutter. 1, 2, 3, SMP advances. End show ***1/4
A Moment For Us:
Pretty good, though hardly a blowaway episode this week. A lot of crappy wrestling, though the main event was very entertaining, as well as the Polar/Kevin stuff and Zeno/Pigeon build. Solid thumbs in the middle, leaning up.
© 2007 BOB Wrestling. An Atari 2600 Fed In a Wii World!