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Send Us Money: Full Court Press!

IT'S FANNNN-TASTIC!

(We pan the interior of the Budget Arena in downtown Chicago! A few fireworks are set of by the Flunky as a nameless piece of Generic Rock music plays. The centre of the Arena is dominated by a basketball court, surrounded by ring ropes. A full-sized wrestling ring is in the center of the court. Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, Scotty Whatbody and GBH are ringside. Mike and GBH are wearing Bulls jerseys, Scotty is re-inforcing his "Heel Commentator" status with a Jazz shirt.)

MM: Hello and WELCOME!! To "Send Us Money: FULL COURT PRESS!" I'm Mike Monroe and I'm sure tonight will be the ULTIMATE in Sports Entertainment!

SW: And I'm Scotty Whatbody, and I'm slightly sceptical about that last statement!

GBH: And. Me GBH. Duh. And. I'm. Hungry. Yur...

MM: We've got a spectacular night ahead of us, and so.. without further ado...

SW: ...Let's have a commercial!

MM: NO! There are no commercials in a Pay-Per-View, Scotty!

SW: Really? We're going straight to the action, then?

MM: Are you kidding? First there's the video recaps of all our pre-event hype.. THEN we get started!

SW: Gotcha!

(We cut to a video montage of the BOB stars practising their basketball skills. Mr Claven is seen, demonstrating a two-handed dribble.. the ball bounces up and smacks him in the face. Bobo Fiendish is shown, stabbing a ball with an icepick after missing a free-throw. There follows edited highlights of MMM 5 and MMM 6, plus a blank screen for 25 seconds.)

SW: What was the bit with nothing happening?

MM: The Neige Thirteen/XXXtreme match at "NAGAM#1"... he took out a court injunction to prevent anyone seeing it again...

SW: "Who was driving the Moose?!!"... stay tuned for the next seven months to find out, folks!

GBH: Duh.. yur...

MM: Well, enough inane chit-chat.. let's get up to Scuzz to introduce our first match.. the Funked-Up Four way Twisty Tag-Team Thingee! And don't forget the special stipulations we have for this one!

SW: Forget them? I couldn't understand them!

MM: Me either.. let's see if Scuzz can shed some light on them!

(Quick cut to backstage. BigBOSS, Miss Behave, and The Li'lBOSS are seen.)

LB: Stua...

BB: DON'T CALL ME THAT! You do that again, and I'll have you back chopping broccoli at "Broccoli Jim's House of Chopped Broccoli & Regular, Unchopped Broccoli." YOU UNDERLING!

LB: NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I'm still having nightmares about that stupid song by Dana Carvey. Broccoli Jim played it non-stop.

BB: Well then, you better watch it with that...

(Tostin Showers enters dribbling a basketball like a man without hands. He's wearing basketball shorts but unfortunately for us...he's topless. He sees Miss Behave, licks his index fingers, and then rubs them against his nipples.)

Tostin: "OOOOOOH...BE-HAVE!"

MB: It's Miss Behave, you idiot. MISS!

(The BOSSes look at each other in bewilderment.)

Tostin: "Sorry, baby. Do I make you hooooooorny? I'm an ANIMAL, baby. YEEEEEE-AH!" (shows his very bad teeth)

(Showers dribbles away, knocking over a refreshment table before pulling up for a jumper at a trashcan. The ball hits the "EXIT" sign over the fire escape.)

MB: I can't believe you hired that guy.

LB: (pointing at BigBOSS)I didn't! Anyway, *ahem* BigBOSS, I'm not going to let Scuzz screw up this introduction. Cripes, he's a drunk. I'm going out there MYSELF.

BB: Well hurry up, this air time is costing me. Tick tock, tick tock. Time is money, money is time (looks at watch)...I'll notify Eddie you're going out there.

(Several minutes pass. Soon after, several more minutes pass. Li'lBOSS stands at the rampway tapping his foot. Finally, "Sweat" by C+C Music Factory plays with the "I GOT THA POWER" lead in. Eddie B. works a special "Super Bootie Grind Scratch Mix". Nobody notices or even cares. Li'lBOSS quickly walks to the ring where Scuzz is still standing and staring blankly at the intro card. He's drooling and has a nervous twitch. Li'lBOSS takes his mic...)

LB: Welcome to Full Court Press ladies and gentlemen. Our first event of the evening is the special FUNKED UP FOUR WAY TWISTY TAG-TEAM THINGEE! Due to the complexity of the stipulations, we'll just wait and see who wins, and THEN explain it to you...

Kid in front row near sidelines: "GET ON WITH IT, WINDBAG! I GRAUDUATE IN 6 YEARS!"

(Shot of the kid. He's wearing an "Original Cool" t-shirt, white/silver cammo-style pants, and has baby powder in his hair. He has a sign that reads "DON'T LEAVE, NEIGE!" The guy behind him quickly holds up his sign reading "BEFORE YOU LOSE TO XXXTREME, AGAIN!" The Rent-A-Security Guards hastily lead XXXtreme Machine back to the dressing room. And don't tell me it wasn't him, he had a L.A. Clippers jersey on.)

LB: Yeah, ooooookay. *ahem* ahem* (straightens tie) I've covered all the bases for every possible ending to this match. Depending on which wrestler gets the decision over a certain opponent or which team gets disqualified will determine who will meet for the Swiss Army Title later tonight and who will be in the "No Angle Soldier" roofed cage match even later on. And now for the participants. First, from Banzai Falls, Georgia...weighing in at 238 pounds at stands 6-2. The Hardcore Luchador...fans...this is KAMAKAZIEEEEEEEEE KEN!"

("The Ride Of The Valkyries" begins to play as the crowd buzzes to life. A small spotlight shines up into the rafters. Ken is there striking a Superman pose, his cape flowing thanks to the little fan Flunkie placed on a steel beam around noon. Kamakazie bungee jumps off another beam and flies down towards the ring. The cord recoils, and after a moment of perhaps the most excitement in the evening, Ken ends up wrapped in bungee like a cocoon hanging 20 feet above the ring.)

LB: (looking up and shaking his head) Geez. Can somebody get Ken down? Meanwhile, his partner. From Hoi Phong, Vietnam...weighing tonight at 345 pounds and he's 6 foot 8. Accompanied by "Charlie"...her is VIEEEEEEEEEET KONG!

(The speed metal version of The Charlie's Angels theme by Vietallica blares out. Viet Kong slowly saunters to the ring as debris fills the surrounding air. "Charlie" works the crowd in his own special way to huge heel heat.)

LB: And their opponents...

("Smooth Operator" by Sade begins to a loud mixed reaction.)

LB: ....from Naples, Italy. At 240 pounds....he's 6-2. "The Smooth Operator"...DR. SILACOOOOOOOOONE M. PLANTS!

SMP walks down the ramp and right up to Viet Kong after he gets into the ring. The former plastic surgeon glares at the Asian's chest in a poorly attempted stare down...then slowly looks up at the Executioner Hooded bad guy's eye holes. "Charlie" makes a threat. SMP shoves the little Vietnamese man. Kong retaliates with a massive shot to Plant's head, knocking him off his feet. Kong and "Charlie" start putting the boots to him...)

LB: (while leaving the ring) His partner, from Intercourse, Pennsylvania...

MM: WOW! Li'lBOSS didn't even get through the intros and this one is underway! The bell has sounded!

SW: And Mike...Kong wants to end it quick. According to the stips Li'lBOSS dropped off here as he high-tailed to the back, if Kong gets the decision over SMP...it'll be VK versus Hank for the Swiss Army title...WITH KONG'S MATCH OF CHOICE!

MM: "Charlie" is now down at ringside, don't think he won't be a factor. Kong with a throat-lift, holding SMP off the mat! Tosses him down. Kick to the head. Has him up...whip to the ropes...GORILLA PRESS! Holding him there...holding him...and DOWN HARD! SMP begging off, and Scotty...why the hell are you wearing that Utah jersey?

SW: They wouldn't let in with my Knicks one.

MM: Kong has SMP in the corner, he's stepped up to the second turnbuckle. Starts a series of right hands...

"Charlie": "WON, TOO, TREE, FOOR, FIGH, SEEX...

GBH: Sev-en, duh, five, heh, twenty-two...

SW: Ken is still up there trying to wriggle free. Kong whips SMP across the ring again...SCOOP POWERSLAM! Kong is up and flaunting...gives the knuckle cracking sign. Mike, he's going for the FULL METAL STRAIT JACKET!

("Du Hast" by Rammstein is cued, distracting Kong. Homicidal Hank runs to the ring in streetclothes carrying his suitcase. Huge pop as he slides under the ropes...)

MM: It's the old "late-to-the-arena" bit by Hank! Kong waits for the go ahead.. gets it. Clothesline by Hank! Viet Kong was ready and really sold it!

LB: Hank is on a rampage! Clotheslines right through SMP! His own partner! He bounces off the far ropes and clotheslines the Generic Ref and begins ripping off his button-up shirt. HA! Hank wears Calvin Klein jeans!

GBH: So? (looks at own pair of CK jeans)

MM: Look at KEN! He's managed to free himself...450-BUNGEE RELEASED-CORKSCREW-SOMERSAULT-PLANCHA! NAILS HANK!

SW: Kong is back up, he's the only one on his feet. I think one of Ken's ribs are poking out. Whatta match! SMP has rolled to the floor. Hank trying to shake his cobwebs..."Charlie" reviving the ref...

GBH: So? (looks at own pair of CK jeans...again.)

MM: Generic Ref is up. Kong hammers Hank with a double-axe handle, tries for a pin. 1...2...broken up by SMP who is back in the ring. Kong takes the doctor and throws him over the top rope!

SW: That's a DQ, right? Right? It says here if Kong and Ken get DQed, then it's Hank versus Kong for the title with Hank's choice of biased referee!

MM: No, Scotty...only the NWA in the 80's DQed you for throwing somebody over the top rope. Just another reason for that Flair guy to keep his title so long.

SW: Oh.

MM: Hank is back up and is trading right hands with Kong, staggering the huge Vietnamese man...who stumbles into his own corner. Ken slaps Kong on the back and now has officially entered the fracas!

GBH: I like fray. Yur.

SW: Ken is favoring that right side of his, but goes right at the Homicidal One. Uppercut. Forearm smash. Dropkick has Hank reeling. Standing arm bar!

MM: Rest hold! Ken must be gathering his strength for a huge, match ending maneuver. Tires to send Hank across the ring, reversal by Hank, re-reversal by Ken! Hurricanrana...NO! Hank caught Ken on mid-air...POWERBOMB! Hank with cover, 1...2...SMP with an elbowdrop on HANK!

SW: (looks at paper) It says here, Hank beats Ken then it's Hank versus....OH POOT! I DON'T KNOW! (starts pulling own hair)

MM: Obviously Hank's pinning Ken ruled SMP out the title hunt, that's why he broke the count. HELL, I DON'T KNOW, EITHER! Let me see that paper...WAIT! SMP with the cover on Ken, 1...2...BROKEN UP BY VIET KONG! Generic ref really tolerating a lot here.

SW: He doesn't have a clue, either! But you can tell he's really trying to remember so he doesn't blow the main event!

GBH: Heh, you said blow.

MM: Kong and Hank outside the ring now..."Charlie" trying to hold on to Hank as Kong gets a chair. SMP with a DDT on Ken. "Charlie" just got waffled by Kong's chair shot as Hank stepped to the side! Kong sent into the Relaxed Guard Rail(TM) by Hank!

SW: SMP off the top rope with a flying elbow drop... HE MISSED! Ken going up to the top now. 360 legdrop...HE MISSED as SMP rolled away!

MM: Hank hiptossed "Charlie" into the crowd on the far sideline of the basketball court. He's back in the ring now. Clotheslines Ken over the top rope! Kong is back in, Famouser on SMP! The cover, 1...Hank stomps Kong in the back!

SW: WHO'S THE LEGAL MAN?! (looks at paper again)

MM: That paper won't tell you that, dummy! Kong, Hank, and SMP are all going at each other in the middle of the ring...KEN IS BACK UP ON THE TOPE ROPE...SENTAN BOMB ONTO ALL THREE OF 'EM TAKING EVERYBODY OUT! INCLUDING HIMSELF!

SW: Look at this, all four men are on their backs! SMP's right arm is covering Kong. Kong's right arm covering Hank. Hank's arm is over Ken, and Ken's covers SMP!

GBH: Dat's not covered on paper, duh.

MM: YOU'RE RIGHT, GBH! The one ending Li'lBOSS couldn't possibly have thought of! Generic Ref is confused...he has no choice...1...2....THREE!

SW: Well? WHO WON?

MM: I guess they all did...but then again, THEY ALL LOST, TOO!

SW: HOLY SHIT! All this and we've gotten NO WHERE! The match is over and we still don't know anymore than we did about the main events before we started!

MM: My God, Scotty...YOU'RE RIGHT! We'll try to sort this out during the No-Holds Barred BasketBRAWL game. Scuzz is at center court...

Voice-Over: Y'ALL READY FOR THIS?

(Music begins to play.. you know the one.. the one they used in "Space Jam".. anyhoo.. some weak pyro goes off as Scuzz begins the intros.)

Scuzz: L'dies an' gennelmen.. an' th' rest of you.. here are the rules for th' Bask'tBrawl.. right? Two points for a basket an' a pinfall, three for a long basket or submission.. no rules 'part from that.. 'kay? Innerducin' first.. Team One...

(A tuxedo-ed individual wearing a luchadore mask walks onto the court. He plucks the microphone from Scuzzs' unresisting hand and bops him over the head with it.)

The Masked Announcer: (In a deep, melodic voice): LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! The starting line-up for Team One! (Who will now be known as "The Teamsters!") At power forward.. standing 6'6",The stereotyped face.. JUSTINNN VOSS!

(Huge pop for the former (and according to all the wrestling newsgroups, the soon-to-be again Swiss Army Champ.)

MA: At somewhat-less-of-a-power forward.. weighing standing 5'11".. GOFFER!

(Goffer sprints onto the court and waves his hat at the fans. Another big pop.)

MA: At guard! Weighing in at 228 and standing 6'2"... "CAP" AL LARRIE!

(The cheers taper off as the blood-soaked Captain saunters out.)

MA: Also at guard! Standing 6'6"! DJ Rawkus!

(The usual no-reaction for the jobber.)

MA: And finally.. at center! The tallest man at Full Court Press! Standing 6'9"! NEIGE THIRTEEN!

(Mixed reaction.. nothing like an obvious screwing-over to get some face pop... Neige doesn't appear, though.)

MM: What's happened? Did he really quit? I thought it was an angle! Team One might be down a man! They better get someone on the court, pronto!

(We get a shot of Team One's bench. Despite not being selected for either team, G.I Slow is on one end. Tostin Showers is at the other, better than 5 feet up in the air. Mr Claven and Art Teery are having a quick round of "paper-scissors-rock" to decide who goes on. Abruptly a figure dashes out of the tunnel, dressed in a pair of pj's with feet. He hands the Masked Announcer a sheet of paper.)

MA: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a substitution! And so, playing center.. THE P..

Man: EEK!! Don't shout like that! Loud noises scare me!

MA: Sorry.. *ahem*.. The Phobic! And now.. Team Two! (To be known as.. "The OTHER Teamsters!") Playing at guard.. PZREMSLWVK!

(The Krapterian runs onto the court. Security have to restrain Kritch from following him.)

MA: At Higher Power forward! The DOMINO!

(The Rock-wannabe walks out, raising his eyebrows at everything and everybody. Little reaction.)

MA: At guard! Standing 6'5"! The XXXtreme MACHINE!

(XXXtreme arrives in triumph, only to be chased off court by rabid NBA fans. (And some kid with talc in his hair.) He returns, minus his Clippers shirt.)

MA: At Powers-to-Be forward.. BARBIE "The Bride" BANNER!

(Wolf whistles and catcalls echo around the arena as Barbie enters. I didn't even know they MADE lace basketball jerseys.)

MA: And finally.. at center.. BOBO FIENDISH!

(The maniacal one strides out to restrained boos from the crowd.. they're not stupid.. A quick shot of the bench shows Birdboy wearing an "Air Birdboy" limited edition t-shirt, Blackjack Hooligan spiking the Gatorade and "Kermit" polishing his weapon. Fortunately there is a "Censored" banner over that...)

SW: We are set to go! Uh, Mike, I can't help but notice the court has a wrestling ring in the center of it.. is this going to cause any problems?

MM: Almost certainly, Scotty! But don't worry, we painted the center circle right on the mat! They'll just have to treat it as a natural hazard!

SW: Good, good, just checking...

MM: Our special referee has the ball.. he gets ready for the tip-off...

HTB Coma: Neep! Squeeble.. POINK!

MM: AND HERE WE GO! The Phobic leaps into the air! Bobo doesn't even make an attempt to get the ball! Easy tip out of the ring to "Cap" Larrie! OOOH!

GBH: Duh.. hur hur hur! Funny!

MM: Bobo drops the Phobic with a vicious forearm on the way down! You know anything about The Phobic, Scotty?

SW: Not a thing! Except he's probably suffering from a fear of insane, escaped mental patients right about now...

MM: "Cap" Larrie dribbles down the court.. that'll make footing dangerous in that area.. passes to Goffer! The smallest man on the court ducks, weaves.. lays it up just as The Domino dropkicks him in the back! Voss is up.. ALLEY-OOP Jam! Great start to the match! 2-zip to The Teamsters! No time to rest, though! Pzremslwvk passes to XXXtreme! XXXtreme takes two steps and is nailed by a flying bodypress by Goffer! The ball is loose! The Domino scoops it up.. passes to Barbie Banner! she dumps it off to Pzremslwvk.. NO! Intercepted by DJ Rawkus! He gets in a little bounce pass to Goffer.. Goffer spins past an attempted side kick by his sidekick Pzremslwvk.. jump shot and he drains it! The Teamsters on fire early!

SW: What's up with Bobo? He hasn't left the ring since he forearmed the Phobic, wedgied him, piledrove him and threw him over the top rope!

MM: I'm glad you were paying attention to that, Scotty! Wait, Bobo is moving to the apron.. Barbie Banner dribbles past him, chased by Justin Voss.. FLYING CLOTHESLINE off the apron! Bobo sends Voss into a 360 flip!

SW: Actually, a 360 would put him back on his feet again.. that was more like a 270...

MM: Duh.. Scotty smart. Duh. Scotty friend..

SW: Thanks, GBH, that means a lot to me...

MM: Barbie sinks a two-pointer with ease, bringing the score to 4-2 to the Teamsters! The Phobic has crawled off the court, and here comes Mr Claven, making his debut in BOB! He's got a sack with him! What's that about?

SW: He was giving out mail to the fans earlier.. Look, I got this love letter from some chick called Valerie! Pretty hot, too! Too bad it's addressed to some bozo called "Sal"

MM: Put it away, Scotty! Hey, is that a picture of her.. *ahem* .. back the ass.. action! Yes, action.. that's right! The score is now 6-2.. some one must have scored..

SW: Like Sal.. lucky bastard...

MM: Pzremslwvk has the ball.. Mr Claven makes a bee-line for him! OH! Nailed the Krapterian with his mailsack! And again! The ball bounces free! Mr Claven ignores it, allowing Bobo to regain for The OTHER Teamsters! Mr Claven reaches into his bag and retrieves.. is that a five-pound fruitcake?

SW: It looks like it! He waffles Pzremslwvk with it! WHAM! It didn't even make a dent in the cake! How old is that thing? If it's anything like the one my Aunt Gertrude used to make, it could probably stop a bullet!

GBH: Duh. I hate fruitcake..

MM: Good Lord, a semi-coherant sentence from GBH! Bobo runs right over DJ Rawkus on his way to a big slam dunk! And he celebrates by putting the boots to Rawkus! Pickup.. piledriver on the floor! A cover! Head Trauma Boy Flatline is in to count! 1..2..3! Art Teery came off the bench just too late to break up the cover! He drops a leg on the back of Bobos head anyway!

SW: It's all locked up at 6 apiece! Pzremslwvk and Mr Claven are duking it out still as Justin Voss feeds to Goffer! He's off and running! Down the sideline he goes!

MM: OH! "Kermit" comes off the bench with a big spear! Birdboy follows "Kermit" onto the court with a facejam on Art Teery! The OTHER Teamsters have too many men on the court! XXXtreme is herded to the bench by Coma! Pzremslwvk gets away from Mr Claven and returns to the bench! Mr Claven picks up the ball for the first time!

SW: On the third attempt...

MM: He turns.. and fires it straight into Pzremslwvks kisser! Is he insane? The Krapterian tumbles backwards off the bench! The postal worker from Hell charges him and leaps onto the prone mail-order grappler!

SW: What a melee! Tostin Showers quickly takes the ball down court! He's got a clear run to the net! Only Barbie Banner can stop him!

(Tostin suddenly stops running and begins a bad "Harlem Globetrotter's" dribbling routine in front of Barbie.)

TS: I'd like to see YOUR ball-handling skills, baby! YEAH!

MM: Barbie steps forward and..

Every male in the crowd: OOOOOOOH!

TS: (High pitched voice): Oh, Be-have! (Falls to the court and rolls up in foetal position.)

MM: Barbie takes control of the balls.. of the ball now. She darts downcourt.. but a spinning heel kick from Art drops her! Bobo looks enraged! His over-developed sense of wrestling tradition is about to cause someone else pain again! He spins Art around.. Release powerbomb!! Bobo scoops up the ball and fires off a long-range jumper! Voss and Goffer both hit Bobo at the same time, powering him through an advertising hoarding!

SW: He scored all the same! Three points! The OTHER's are up 9-6!

MM: Make it 11-6! The badly winded Showers was just pinned by "Kermit"! Tostin heads for the bench, bringing The Phobic back out!

SW: He's got nowhere to sit, though.. mainly because Pzremslwvk is beating Mr Claven with the bench as we speak! DID YOU SEE THAT??!!

MM: Yes.

SW: What was it?

GBH: Bouncy Birdy.... Wheee!

MM: A springboard twisting plancha for those of you keeping score at home.. Goffer took the brunt of it and is being subbed by Larrie... Blackjack Hooligan finishes his six-pack of extra-strength lager and heads onto the court for the first time! He loops a fist like a bagful of walnuts at Justin Voss! POW! Voss flies over the courtside ropes! Rawkus leaps over the top to replace him! He gets the same! On the other side of the court, The Phobic has been dragged off the court by both XXXtreme and The Domino! They're pounding him mercilessly! What action! Who needs a ball!

(The producer cuts to a crowd shot, showing thousands.. well, okay, dozens of confused fans. We then cut to the bench. Mr Claven has Pzremslwvk head down in the Gatorade barrel. Pzremslwvk is making happy bubbling sounds. Cut to shot of Eddie B posing. Back to the game.)

MM: Who does have the ball? Oh, "Cap" Larrie.. he shoots! He misses! He gets the rebound.. seeing as everyone else is involved in beating the hell out of someone it was an easy rebound to make.. and he shoots! Missed! Shoots again!

SW: He's getting closer.... nearly! Oh, so close! Just believe in yourself, it'll happen Cap! YES! Swish!

MM: 11-8 to the Other Teamsters! "Kermit" feeds the ball to Bobo Fiendish. He heads upcourt.. spins by a dazed DJ Rawkus.. passes to Hooligan.. Hooligan to XXXtreme.. Bobo and Hooligan zero in on Art Teery! Double spiked powerbomb! Devastating!! XXXtreme heads for the net.. he shoots.. misses.. "Cap" Larrie gets the rebound.. XXXtreme tries to take down Larrie.. Oooh! Lowblow by Larrie.. Larrie takes off.. but he's hit hard by Pzremslwvk!

SW: Where did he come from? That psycho Mr Claven is hanging on him like a disgruntled limpet! Pzremslwvk snapmares him off! Where did the damn ball go?

MM: Goffer has it.. The refs have lost any semblance of control here.. every man is on the court.. The Phobic is juicing! He notices the blood and faints dead away! Mr Claven has produced a five-iron from his sack and is beating Pzremslwvk like a dog!

Mr Claven: FORE! FORE! FORE!

MM: Goffer shoots.. Three points! Tostin Showers has The Acid trip on XXXtreme! Bobo covers the unconscious Phobic! The Universal Donors deliver a hangman's neckbreaker to "Kermit"! GOOD LORD! His mask fell off! Get a close-up! We can finally see his face! It's.. it's.... Alex "No Gimmick" Smith?

SW: Figures.. Goffer retrieves the ball and sinks a two-pointer.. XXXtreme submits.. There's a count on the Phobic...

HOOOOOOOONK!

MM: And It's half-time! The scores stand at.. hang on, they're still adding up from those late pins.. here they come... 16-13 to the Teamsters!!

Mr Claven: Fore! Fore!

SW: Someone wanna tell Mr Claven it's half time? Hey, here comes Alex "Kermit" Smith by our table.. hey, ALEX! What's up with the mask?

AS: Uhh, "Kermit" quit, y'know.. and like.. the BOSS said.. y'know.. be Kermit tonight..

SW: Oh... cool...

MM: Well, if you two have finished your scintillating repartee, Scotty, we'll go to a short intermission and be back with the second half of "SEND US MONEY: FULL COURT PRESS!"

©2000 BOB Wrestling!

IT'S STILL...FANNNN-TASTIC!

(An air horn can be heard buzzing loudly in the distance as BOB crew members try to disarm it. Cut back to ringside.)

MM: Wow! What a first half! The Teamsters lead 16-13 and we're still at halftime. Halftime meaning we're going to find out who excactly won the Four Way and who will be competing for the Swiss Army Title and The "No Angle Soldier" cage match.

SW: My money is on Kong, he has seven fingers per hand ya know. That's gotta give him the edge on something like that finish.

GBH: Is dat your final answer? Yur.

MM: DAMMIT! If I hear one more reference to that stupid show...I'll...I'll...

SW: Mike! The Flunkie just told me that The BOSSEs have made a decision in the back!

MM: What? Oh? Let's go there now...and could somebody turn off that fu(BLEEP)ng horn!

SW: Hey! They can still hear you at home, Mike!

MM: Are you kiddin'? Nobody is watching this sh(BLEEP)t.

SW: YOU DID IT AGAIN! STOP THAT!

GBH: Hee.

(Abrupt cut to backstage area. The BigBOSS is there with his bodyguards, Lock, Shock, and Barry, revolving around him like sma...uhh, large planets. Miss Behave and The Li'lBOSS are there as well.)

BB: Ok, "Mr. I-Wanna-Run-The-Show"...figured anything out yet with your stupid Tag-Team invention?

LB: I've read over the stipulation paper several times, I can't find anything about that ending. But let's try this...bring him in...

(A man in a referee shirt walks up to a camera covered by a blanket. He stands there as the number 90 appears at the bottom right hand side of your screen. He continues standing there as the number begins to count down. It reaches zero...the man pops his out from under the blanket...)

Nameless goof getting overpaid to do this: "The challenge to determine the pinfall winner was inconclusive...the decision stands as ruled on the field."

MB: Nice going, Li'lBoss. (rolls her eyes)

BB: Good grief, gimme that damn paper.

(He studies it like looking for a clich`ed needle in the clich`ed hay stack...)

BB: Hey, I think I found something...in the fine print. QUICK, GET ME A MAGNIFYING GLASS!

(Li'lBOSS just happens to have one in his pocket. Why do you think they call him "Li'l"? He hands it to BigBOSS.)

BB: RIGHT HERE! It says...in the highly unlikely event of all four men getting simultaneously pinned...they all get banned for life in BOB and Neige Thirteen is to be awarded the Swiss Army Title! However, if Neige Thirteen quits BOB before FCP...this fine print is NULL AND VOID! Awww...that's too bad.

LB: *snicker*

BB: Oh bloody hell, let's do what we always do. Miss Behave...BRING ME THE MEDIUM-SIZED BUCKET!

(Miss Behave leaves to retreive the fabled, and soon to be legendary, BOB's Medium-Sized Bucket(TM). The two BOSSes stare at each other for several, uncomfortable, nothing-happening minutes. Finally, BigBOSS nods at the camera in that "go to another shot...QUICK" gesture. Abrupt cut to ringside. GBH is picking his nose. Mike's head is titled straight back and his mouth hangs loosely open. Slight snoring can be heard if you really concentrate. Scotty is gone to the front row, trying to coax a fine, young female out of her "digits". Cut to Eddie B. dancing alone to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy". Quicker cut to backstage.)

MB: Here it is.

BB: Okay, Li'lBoss, put all those stupid stips in that bucket and decide something. And tell me what you're putting in there, too.

LB: First, Homicidal Hank. I'm now putting SMP's name in. Viet Kong. And now Ken. Match situations were...Homicidal Hank's biased ref of choice...

BB: Which was?

LB: Ummmm.... HTB Coma.

BB: WHAT?! Good Lord! Isn't it bad enough he's a referee for BasketBRAWL?

LB: Well, that's who he wanted. "Charlie" as the special ref was another possibility. Here goes all four men's match of choice. And finally...if all four were DQed, XXXtreme got the title.

BB: BLOODY HELL NO! I'm not taking any chances of you pulling that outta there! TAKE THAT OUT!

LB: I'm on it BOSS...

(Back to ringside. Scotty has returned, with reddened hand print on his cheek, and is nudging Mike to consciousness. GBH is busy rolling 'something' between his thumb and index finger.)

SW: MIKE, WAKE UP! Flunkie just told me they're havin' 1/2 off Neigeboards

MM: THAT'S why nobody is out here. I was wondering where the fans went! Let's GO!

(And so they go...committing the most vile crime against BOB imaginable. Leaving GBH alone to do commentary...)

Scuz: L'dies an' Gent'men. Dis match is fur the Swiss Army Title. By random draws...tha participitan's...ummm, particupials, ummmmm. *hic* guys rasslin' an' a special stip match was chosin'. Innerduccin' firss...

("Du Hast" by Rammstein plays with a special "German Wiggy Snaggle Mix" added by Eddie B. Homicidal Hank, carrying King Spike, appears to a massive pop. Rumors persists it's more for Spike's recent recovery. Hank enters the ring still wearing only his CK's and steel toes. We cut back to the BOSS'es.)

BB: Damn it! I thought I told you to three morons to stop Scuzz getting back to ringside.. Barry.. go get him, please....

Barry: Sure, BOSS!

Scuzz: ...from Innercours, Pennsivania....HOMICIDAL HANK! (slight pause) His oppo...oppo...guy he's fightin'... YURK!

(As Scuzz is dragged backstage, "The Charlie's Angels" theme...as done only by Vietnam's speed metal band, Vietallica, plays as Eddie takes a smoke break. Viet Kong and "Charlie" walk to the ring trying to avoid the trash thrown from the fans not wanting a 1/2 priced Neigeboard(TM). We cut backstage once more. Scuzz is with The BigBOSS, swaying slightly.)

BB: Scuzz, I'm sorry to have to tell you this.. but we're letting you go.. you're incomprhensible, you scare children, and the whole joke has worn a little thin.. The Masked Announcer will be taking over from now on.

Scuzz: Oh.. 'kay.. Can I still sleep in'a basement?

BB: Sure, knock yourself out!

The Masked Announcer: And ths special match stipulation chosen was SMP's match of choice. THE ITALIAN STRAP MATCH! LET'S GET IT ON!

(The Flunkie brings out a 12 foot strand of Italian pasta. I'm not talking about that "Angel Hair" business, either. This is thick, industrial strength, no B.S. noodle. The Generic Ref attaches the ends to Kong's and Hank's wrists. What happens next will go down in PPV infamy...)

GBH: Ummmm. Bell thingee, ring. Kong big. Hit udder big guy...name of Hank. Scotty still friend. Something...on my finger. Yur. Strap hit Hank. I like cheese. Whip. Ropes. Hitty thing. Duh. "Charlie" got funny hat. Little. I think I have poop in my pants. Heh. 1, 2, somebody kick out. Strap. Choke. Noodles are good. Weenie. I wonder if Barbie like me. Hank kicked Kong. Tag. No...heh. (6 minutes of dead air...imagine yourself at a live house show. No commentators. Just grunts from the ring and the occasional fan response) Spanky was cool, that little rascal. WHEEEEEEEEE! Bodyslam. Did somebody cut a poot? What's dat smell? I have cool font color. Kong hit Hank. Yur.

GBH: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Me like a board, too. I'm bored...ummm, too. Where Scotty? (approximately 8 more minutes of no 'commentary' pass by. A man in Wisconsin says to himself, "To hell with my 10 bucks" and switches channel to Punky Brewster re-run. Somehow, we feel he's not alone.) Guuuuur. Nice. I have sticky finger...HEEEEE!

MM: GBH! How long has this match been going on?!

GBH: Ummmm. Just started?

SW: What a line that was, huh? Got my Neigeboard(TM), though. This thing's gonna to be worth millions! Hey...look at "Charlie"! He has Spike!

MM: Hank's attention has been diverted! Viet Kong wrapping that..what the hell IS that?

SW: Looks like a big noodle.

MM: OHHHHHH! He just nailed Hank in the back of the neck with...A NOODLE WRAPPED, "RICE CANNON" CLOTHESLINE?!

GBH: Yimmy.

SW: Noddles and rice are really good...my mom made it all the tim....

MM: SHUDDAP, SCOTTY! Kong with cover...1...2...THREE! My goodness, look at the welts on Hank's back! Kong's ape-like, hairy torso hides his well. AND WE MISSED IT ALL!

SW: Well, we DID see the ending.

MA: Ladies and Gentlemen, your WINNER...and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW SWISS ARMY CHAMPION...VIET KONG!

(PA Announcement: We will now have a brief intermission to set up the roofed cage for our next event. Mike Monroe and Scotty Whatbody please report to the backstage area...NOW!)

MM: Crap!

(Mike and Scotty leave as the BOB lackeys put together the steel cage together section by section. We don't have those fancy ones that lower down from the rafters yet. 20 minutes pass. The cage has it's final two rubber 'connectors' placed on it. Mike and Scotty return.)

MM: Man, was BigBOSS mad or what?

SW: I'll say...and he took my Neigeboard, too. What'd you get? I got the next Thursday Show doing commentary with "Charlie".

MM: You got off easy! I have to do his laundry for the next two weeks! Stupid GBH.

SW: Speaking of laundry, what's that smell? Oh, Scuzz is heading back to ringside.. fortunately, Lock and Shock have intercepted him before he gets there!

MA: Ladies and Gentlemen. This is the "No Angle Soldier" Match. It will be fought out in the confines of a ROOFED STEEL CAGE! With a roof! Innerduccin' firss....excuse me, this appears to be someone elses' script.. from Naples, Italy. Dr. Siliconne MMMMMMMM. PLANTS!

("Smooth Operator"...the Henry Rollins version, cranks as SMP walks to the ring. At first he exits with his trademark scowl, but quickly shows a more relaxed appearance when he notices three commentators at ringside. He enters the cage and goes through the traditional, yet highly irrelevant, testing of the cage walls.)

MA: And his opponent.. hailing from Banzai Falls, Georgia....KAMIKAZIE KEEEEEEEEEN!

("The Ride of the Valkyries" plays as Eddie B. tries to add "Valkyrie Bump Mix". He shouldn't have. Ken takes it as an insult, especially the 'bump' part. Ken enters with a bag of "Firecracka Jerome's TNT 'N Tacks". The door is pad-locked shut behind him.)

MM: And HERE WE GO! I hope this makes up for the last match!

SW: The match was great, it was the commentary that sucked.

GBH: Duh. I was good.

MM: We'll have time to dub over it for the encore replay. Besides, if we don't...BigBOSS said we were fired.

SW: Dude, I'm there. Dub-a-dub-dub.

MM: Plants and Ken circling each other, a lot of mutual respect between the two.

SW: Where's Ken's Electrified Steel chair? I heard he was bringing one of those in case he was in this match.

MM: He can't, I think Illinois is a lethal injection state...no electric chairs.

(Sound of tiny cymbal. Loud boos, although nothing has happened in the ring.)

SW: They lock up! Struggling for advantage. Plants muscles Ken into the corner...chop!

crowd: "BOOB!"

MM: And another chop!

crowd: "BOOB!"

GBH: Yur. Where?

SW: Man, that sucks! Leave it to BOB fans...but at least Birdboy isn't wrestling! THen it'd be that stupid 'chirp' thing.

MM: Plants whips Ken across the ring, tries for another big chop. Duck by Ken, off the far ropes now. Clothesline attempt from SMP. Ken ducks that! Ken off the ropes again...leaps. Caught by Plants...SPINEBUSTER!

MM: SMP takes a moment to gloat. Now trying to choke Ken out with Ken's own cape! Ken to his feet. Elbow to the Doc's midsection. Ken gathers steam off the ropes. Shoulderblock takes Plants off his feet.

MM: Ken runs to the ropes again, bouncing off and coming back. Plants lay prone, stomach down on the mat. Ken over the top. Plants to his feet...Ken coming off the far side. SMP lowers his head for a backdrop attempt, Ken puts on the brakes...DDT!

GBH: Neato.

SW: Shut up, GBH. You've caused enough damage for one night. Ken on the turnbuckle...SMP is up. MISSLE DROPKICK! KEN HIT IT! HE HIT IT!

MM: Ken with a cover. 1...tw, No! Kick out by Plants! I have a feeling this one's a long way from over. Neither of these guys want to be the "No Angle Soldier". No angles for 30 days..basically a glorified loser leaves BOB for 30 days match.

SW: Ken has SMP up. He's pointing to the fence! Gets huge crowd response. They want blood! So do I.

MM: We'd like to thank "DJ's Discount Link" for tonight's cage, by the way. Plants with a looping right catches the Hardcore Luchadore on the ear. SMP not to thrilled about meeting that cage face first, he's fighting it.

SW: Both men exchanging right hands now. That cage yet to be a factor...COME ON! Throw him into the cage! Somebody. ANYBODY!

MM: Sheesh, calm down Scotty. Ken with a spinning heel kick, staggering Plants and he falls against the ropes. Ken getting a head of steam, again. Plants quickly recovers. Ken jumps on the middle strand. SPRINGBOARD MOONSAULT!

SW: NO! SMP caught Ken in mid rotation, grabs him around the head...follows momentum...it's, it's....A NIPPLE CUTTER!

crowd: "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"

MM: WHAT THA?

GBH: Where?

SW: Well, it looked like a Diamond Cutter, and with SMP being a plastic surgeon...I thought I try and combine the two.

MM: Well, DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE! Ken log rolling away. Plants gets to him. Covers. 1...2....thr...foot on the rope by Ken! Plants can't believe it.

SW: SMP setting to send Ken into that cage...reversal! SMP HIT HEAD FIRST! HE'S DOWN! His left hand covering his forehead...his right hand slowly moving underneath. Ya know what that means!

GBH: What? Duh.

MM: PLANTS IS A MESS! All that Amaretto must have thinned his blood! Ken now with a fall away slam on the boobie enhancer. Ken trying to shake the effects off the earlier punishment. He's got his second wind.

SW: Look at SMP. WHOO HOO! We got blood!

GBH: Got Kleenix? (looks at booger on finger)

MM: Ken pointing to the bag! He's going for the exploding tacks! It's anything goes!

SW: SMP stops that with a clubbing forearm to the back.

crowd: "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"

MM: Plants to the turnbuckle, going to the top. Ken sweeps the leg....

crowd: "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!

MM: SMP straddles the buckle! Ken has him...SUPERPLEX!

crowd: "AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW! AAAAAWWWWWWWW! AAAAAWWWWWWWW! AAAAAWWWWWWWW!"

(Quick shot of Eddie B. frantically trying to un-stick his turntable. Back to action.)

MM: Ken with a cover. 1....2...thr...NO! Plants managed to just get a shoulder up.

SW: SMP is a bloody pulp! But he stills has a little fight left in him. Both men staggering to their feet now.

MM: SMP swings, Ken ducks the wild right...German suplex! Holds on. ANOTHER! Ken now leading the surgeon over to the corner by the hair. They're both climbing the turnbuckles. What tha hell?

GBH: Ken funny.

SW: Ken is peeling away the cage roof over in that corner!

MM: Well, it IS discount link! Both men on top of the cage! Jumping pile driver by Ken! Both men bouncing around up there! Look at the camera flashes!

(Don't be fooled. Well timed strobe lights. Moving on...)

SW: Ken now tearing open a hole in the middle of the roof! Fans now just returning from concession! Kamakazie getting crazy!

MM: He's got an opening now in the roof. He's forcing Plants through it...SMP'S PANTS ARE CAUGHT! HE'S LOST HIS PANTS!

SW: BWAAAAAHAAHAAHAA! Look at THOSE boxers!

MM: Goes real nice with the black dress socks and black designer shoes, *pfft*! Ken getting a running start on top of the cage. WHAT'S THIS. He gets a healthy bounce...SHOOTING STAR PRESS THROUGH THE ROOF HOLE!

SW: OHHHHHHHH! Ken's head hit the roof as he went through...he's spinning out of control...

GBH: Him hurty!

MM: OH MY GOD! KEN JUST LANDED ON TOP OF HIS HEAD! I think his 3rd cervical vertebre is on his tongue!

SW: LOOK AT HIS EYE SOCKET! LOOK AT HIS EYE SOCKET!

***WARNING*** Kamakazie Ken makes his living attempting high-risk maneuvers that usually miss. He is a professional. Oh, who are we kidding? Well, he's not REAL. Kids...please do not try any moves the stars of BOB attempt. So, if you are an impressionable young lad out there, just enjoy the BOB stars doing their thing and leave it at that. Trying to duplicate the moves of Kamakazie Ken or any other wrestler in BOB may result in fatal injury, your demise, or possibly KILL YOU! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! BOB can not be responsible for injuries you sustain from attempting anything you see here. Because if you do, you're stupid. This is make-believe. Thank You. Come again.

MM: Whew, that warning segment gave SMP enough time to secretly ask Ken if he was okay. The match can continue!

SW: SMP now spreading those tacks on the mat! He helps Ken to his feet. I think Ken's lung is hanging out...what IS that?

GBH: Ummmm. Taste like chicken?

MM: SMP going for The Scapel's Edge...Ken slides away. Kick to Plants' gut, Ken lifts Plants for a powerbomb, kicks his own legs out the opposite direction, falling chest first...BANZAIBOMB ON THOSE TA....

BOOM! CRACKLE! BZZT! BOOM! SNAP! TWIZZLE! BOOM!

MM: KEN WITH A COVER! 1....2....this has gotta be it....THREE!

GBH: Nice boxers.

SW: Kamakazie Ken has won it, and SMP is gone for 30 DAYS!

GBH: The WINNER! KAMAKAZIEEEEEEEEEE KEN!

MM: WOW! While stretchers and pliers escort these two back to the dressing room. Let's get ready for the second half of BasketBRAWL!

SW: I hope SMP doesn't drink any water soon, he'd look like a bloody, yard sprinker toy you hook to your hose in the summer time!

GBH: Hey, Scotty...you think we can market those?

(Cut to the backstage area. The BOSS and the Lil'BOSS are shown. The BOSS is pacing nervously.)

BB: Damn it! Has anyone found Voss vet? We need him out there! He only vanished a few minutes ago.. check the basement!

Lock: Right, BOSS.

LB: What's with the concern? I thought you hated Voss?

BB: That's just my quasi-heel status requirements! Oh, that reminds me.. Voss runs the guantlet on Monday Morning Mayhems next Main Event.. He'll have to beat Lock, Shock and Barry.. or else he doesn't get his Swiss Army Title shot..

LB: Ooh, cruel... I like it! Don't worry, we'll find him.. we just need some time.. wait, I got it!

(The LilBOSS runs out to ringside.)

LB: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... A special half-time treat.. the special Encore performance of.. SEND US MONEY: FULL COURT PRESS! Roll it!

(The BOB-tron begins showing the whole PPV over again.. but don't worry, well be back as soon as we find our Face...)

©2000 BOB Wrestling!

THE FINAL PERIOD

(Part Three opens with a shot of a dingy basement.. Scuzz enters, and begins to drag together enough old newspapers for a bed. As he picks up a bundle of them, he reveals Justin Voss, tied and gagged.)

JV: MMMPH! MMMMPHH!

Scuzz: Uhh.. Hey bud'y.. this is my bedroom.. right? Bea' it!

JV: MMMMMMMPH! MMMPH!

(Scuzz drags Voss out to the corridor, where he is found by Lock and Shock a few minutes later.)

Voice-Over: Y'ALL READY FOR THIS.. AGAIN?

(That work-out music plays again as the teams run, limp and waddle back out to the court. The ring crew see them coming and abandon their attempts at dismantling the cage.. that'll make the second half even MORE violent.. Kritch nuzzles up against The Phobic, who screams and runs away. Blackjack Hooligan begins his second six-pack and Alex "Kermie" Smith puts the frog (toad?) mask back on.. Bobo and the just-rescued Justin Voss head to the central cage for the tip-off.)

MM: So we're all set for the final period of BasketBRAWL I! The teams look psyched...

SW: Hang on, when did Goffer shoot up to 6'10"! That's Xenomorph in a Pokemon cap! What the hell?

(Cut to the parking lot.. a Zamboni is driving away from the arena. Goffers voice can be heard faintly..)

Goffer: So, you got screwed over.. why do I have to leave? I was Tag Champion! I don't want to go on welfare again! Turn this thing around! NEIGE!

(Back to the ring)

HTB Coma: Nurf.. styrofoam.. NEEP!

MM: And HERE WE GO! Voss leaps.. Bobo doesn't! Voss tips it out through the hole in the roof.. and ducks immediately! Good thinking!

CLANG!

SW: Pity he didn't notice Bobo was packing a tyre iron, though! There's a mild concussion, right there!

MM: He's tough, he'll handle it! Xenogoffer darts down court! Bullet pass to Tostin Showers! He feeds to Mr Claven! Mr Claven is still maniaclly attacking Pzremslwvk, though! The ball bounces off Clavens head! Pzremslwvk, finally tires of this.. boot to the guts! GROSSACK PHTOOMB! Or whatever it was called! Claven is down! "Kermit" Smith feeds to Barbie Banner.. Bobo sees this and exits the cage in a hurry! Everyone scatters!

SW: We have to start a woman's division.. Bobo is just TOO dangerous when Barbie's around! She has an easy run to the basket... Two Points! 16-15! Behind her, Bobo has his hands on Art Teery... short superkick! Knife-edge chop!

Guy in front row: Whoo...

MM: DOUBLE-ARM DDT! A cover..1..2..3! The Other Teamsters snatch the lead right off the bat! Hooligan congratulates Bobo with a slap on the back!

SW: Bad move! Bobo swings around and nails Blackjack! Oh, boy! Here we go! The two dirtest figthers in the game go at it! Gouges and lowblows and headbutts, oh my! Gouges and lowblows and headbutts...

MM: Don't milk the joke Scotty.. This is great, right GBH? GBH?

SW: Oh, nuts.. he's on the court! GET OFF, YOU BIG GOOF! OUCH! Gorilla Press on DJ Rawkus! Butt-slam on the Domino!

MM: Did he forget his medication today? Security is trying to remove him..

Guy in front row: Whoo..

SW: I think someone just got chopped.. wait... check it out.. Tostin Showers is heading for the net.. swish! Yeah, baby, YEAH!

MM: Please, it's bad enough him doing it! Oh, look Mr Claven has recovered.. he's pulled a bottle of Mace out of his pocket.. Sprays it in the eyes of Pzremslwvk! Claven rams him into the bars of the cage! This is getting out of hand!

GBH: Duh.. hurty!

MM: Oh, he's back.. The refs have lost control of this one.. and every member of both team is on the court! Except for Pzremslvk and Mr Claven.. they're both in the stands! Mr Claven just felt the solid stryofoam of a half-price Neigeboard(TM)! He responds with a cupful of Warm Fizzy Arena™ beer!

SW: The Phobic has the ball! He sees Bobo charging him! Listen to that girly scream!

MM: He flings the ball randomly..AND SCORES! Three points! He doesn't get time to celebrate, as Bobo lariats him for a loop! Cap Larrie blasts birdboy with a Shiny Aluminium Trashcan (Also TM)! XXXtreme slams Voss into the cage! Chops him!

Guy in front row: Whoo..

MM: ...Voss chops him back!

Guy in front row: Whoo.. (GBH picks the guy up and chokeslams him.)

MM: Thanks GBH! Look out!! Beautiful Fly-Away(TM) off the cage by Birdboy drops both The Universal Donors(R)! Barbie Banner sends Showers flying with a nice Barbiekanrana (Pat Pend.)! Blackjack Hooligan jumps Bobo again! He's choking him out with an athletic supporter!

SW: Nasty!

MM: XenoGoffer shoots and scores! What's the score? Where's the bug? What's my age again? Who's been screwing around with my script?

GBH: Duh.. dat was me.. hee.

SW: I wondered why my next three lines were "Hurty, hurty, hurty"... apparently the score stands at 23-17 to the Teamsters! Bobo looks furious! I wouldn't want to be on his team should they lose this...

MM: The HTB's are getting a little order restored! WHOA! The Domino gets in a sneak attack on Justin Voss! Big blindside bulldog! Voss looks hurt..

(The BOB-tron suddenly flashes a strage orange logo a few times..)

SW: What the heck is going on?

(Eddie B cues "The Birdy Dance" for reasons best known to himself. The fans, obeying the Universal Laws of Stupid Dances (AKA The Macarana Principle) rise as one and begin to do the Bird Dance. As they do, a midget runs onto the court. He springboards off of Justins back, and launches a drop-kick right into The Dominos)

SW: NUTS! My monitor went out! Who is that guy, Mike?

MM: I have no idea! Whoever his is, he's out of control! Drop-kick to the knee of XXXtreme! The Midget slaps on a testicular clawhold! Voss follows up with a side Russian leg-sweep! XXXtreme is down for the count.. 1..2..Three! The Teamsters are storming ahead now! 25-17! Voss and his midget friend lead the crowd in the Birdy Dance to celebrate!

SW: This is too wierd! Kidnappings, midgets and GBH doing play-by-plays.. Hey, Blackjack just sunk a three pointer! 25-20!

MM: What happened to Pzremslwvk and Mr Claven? Clive, get us a shot of them, please!

(We cut to the merchadise stand. Pzremslwvk and Mr Claven are signing autographs for the fans. Mr Claven notices the camera, and wallops Pzremslwvk with a kids autograph book.)

Pzremslwvk: OW! What was that in aid of?

Mr C: We're on!

Pzrem: Oh.. fzrugit ploztremot!

(He throws Mr Claven over the concession stand and begins throttling him with a "Lay The Dominoth Down" t-shirt. (Only $12;95. Sizes S-Bohemoth. Stocks are limited.. well, limited when compared to the stars in the sky, a mothers love etc.. 27,000 T-shirts? We overestimated his popularity a little...) Cut back to courtside.)

MM: Amazing! Back on the court, the scores now stand at 27-23 after a lay-up from Art Teery and a submission from DJ Rawkus! "Kermit" has the ball.. quick pass to Barbie.. she feeds to Birdboy.. he leaps over the midget, spins by Voss.. shoots.. no good! The Domino picks up the rebound! Tostin Showers armdrags him to the floor! The ball is spilled.. Bobo Fiendish has it.. where's he going?

SW: He's charging the Teamsters bench! OH! G.I slow gets a faceful of basketball! The ball richochets back onto the court!

GBH: Birdy fly like eagle!

MM: SLAM-A-JAM-A-DING-DONG! Two points! Bobo isn't finished! He's got G.I Slow! Oh my God.. He's trying for a chokeslam!

SW: No frickin' WAY! He can't get that fata-(BLEEP)-s up! Not in a million.. HOLY S-(BLEEEEEP)-T!

SMASH!!!

MM: He did it! G.I Slow just got chokeslammed right through the bench! Bobo covers.. Flatline counts.. 1.. uhhh... 2.. uhh.. THREE!

SW: But he's not on either team! What was the count for?

MA: *ahem*.. Ladies and gentlemen.. the NEWWWWWWW "Are You Out Of your Frickin' Mind" Champion... BOBO FIENDISH!

MM: UNBELIEVABLE! We just got a new "AYOOYFM" Champ! What a shocking decison! Will it stand?

(Cut to the BigBOSSes)

BB: Sure, why not?

(Back to ringside)

MM: There's just minutes to go in this one, and the score stands at 27-25 to the Teamsters! It's coming down to the wire!

SMASH!

SW: WHOA!!

(A door at the far end of the court bursts open. A veritable flood of basketballs pours out, along with Mr Claven and Pzremslwvk, still grappling furiously.)

MM: Good Lord! There's basketballs all over the place! Voss shoots! The Domino shoots! Larrie shoots! Barbie shoots!

SW: So does Bobo! and Goffer! and Rawkus! And Coma! But that last one probably won't count!

GBH: Duh.. yur!

SW: Pzremslwvk shoots! Mr Claven has a shotgun! He shoots! Ouch.. a rear end full of rock salt for the big Krapterian! That's gotta sting!

MM: Birdboy drains one! Tostin shoots! Even Mr Claven shoots a basket! Wonders will never cease! Points are being scored in all directions! Ten seconds to go.. five... four.. three.. two.. one...

HOOOOOOOOOONKKKK!

MM: It's all over folks.. the scoreboard is still totting up the final baskets.. let's go to The Masked Announcer for the offical call!

MA: Ladies and gentlemen.. the final scores.. The Teamsters, 48.... the Other Teamsters... 50! Here are your winners of the BasketBRAWL.. THE OTHER TEAMSTERS!

MM: The Other Teamsters snatch victory at the death! Congratulations to them.. and to our new "AYOOYFM" Champ, Bobo Fiendish! And so, as the ring crew comes in to clean up the debris, I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, along with Scotty Whatbody and GBH, saying.. so long.. and thanks for ordering "SEND US MONEY: FULL COURT PRESS!"


©2000 BOB Wrestling!

 

© BOB Wrestling!

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