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Brawlers On a Budget Bandwidth
Provided by GoDaddy
March 18, 2007
An On-Demand Event Presented by Tentin Quarantino.
Tentin Quarantino presents
A Tentin Quarantino production
Written by Tentin Quarantino
BOB: Send Us Money: Living In Sin Vol. 1
Live from Sin City
From the Riviera Hotel, Where Tentin Quarantino Is Staying In A Two-Bed Suite
Produced by Tentin Quarantino
"Waffles Are A Dish Best Served Sticky"
Voice: *Pantpant* Bloody hell. *Pantpant*
[We fade in on Little Good's syrupy face.]
Different voice: Do you find us sadistic?
LG: The titty twister was a bit much, yeah. Sarah never did anything that vicious to me. Don't suppose you could teach her that one, mate?
Voice: Shut up.
Voice: You have endured wedgies. Swirlies. Indian burns. Noogies. And multiple pig piles. Yet, you have not fought back. Why?
LG: You bloody know why! You put a soddin' Dorito in my brain.
Second Unknown Voice: We should let him go back to BOB now. He poses no threat to us anymore.
First Voice: Soon, the rest won't as well. We'll continue picking them off one by one until they are all chipped.
LG: Um, hello? Didn't pose much of a threat to anyone, anyway.
Second Voice: Oh, he doesn't know?
LG: Know what?
First Voice: He doesn't know. How could he? He doesn't have the power we do. He doesn't know...his destiny.
[A waffle is thrown in Little Good's face. Fade to black.]
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Six
"Goose Me And I'll Chop Off Your Gander"
[In the torture suite, David Boblund put a cactus against Alan Qaida's head.]
DB: Tell me...main event...disrupt...RIGHT?!
AQ: Quack quack?
DB: Alan, you and me are gonna have a crocodile cactus death match, blah blah blah.
DB: And just to prove that we've got a real crocodile, Lock, put your finger in the crocodile's mouth to prove it's a real crocodile...Lock? Lock?
[Cut to a closeup of Lock with his head in the jaws of the crocodile.]
Lock: A bit busy at the moment. Yeoooooowwwwww!
AQ: (Shaking his head violently back and forth) Neeeheheeeeehee. Neeeheheeeeehee!
DB: WHO IS GOING TO DISRUPT THE MAIN EVENT TONIGHT ALAN? You're running out of time!
[Back to the Ballroom. The "No Escape For You" roofed, padlocked, steel and chickenwire cage has been assembled. There are various objects hanging on the cage and scattered around the ring.]
SW: Man, we haven't seen this cage since, what, A Near Deth Experience?
MM: That's right, Scotty. Bobo Fiendish and Justin Voss waged war over the Pan-Galactic Championship in this very structure.
SW: It's a little rustier and more dinged up than I remember. They could have at least threw some fresh paint on it.
MM: Let's send it up to Dyslexic Avenger for the entrances.
DA: Now time it is No You For Escape Filled Weapons Cage Match the for Army Swiss Belt! Tonight's Army Belt Swiss Match Title sponsored is by Parodyox. First introducing...
["Young, Dumb and Rich, Bitch" by GWARtellica plays.]
DA: From Y.N., Brooklyn! Accompanied ring to the by Jovi Bon Tifa! Weighs he 220 pounds! Van Axl Halen!
[Axl heads down the aisle, getting the loudest boos of the night thus far.]
SW: Why couldn't David Boblund torture this guy?
MM: Axl would probably like being tied up by another man.
SW: BWAHAHAHA! That's true! And I'm sure Axl's going to enjoy being locked in this cage with two other men.
Generic Ref: Two other? You think I'm getting in there with him?
["Are We Ourselves?" by the Fixx plays.]
DA: His opponent and! Z from Dimension of by way Springs, Hot Dakota South! Paradox Mr.!
SW: I can't wait until Heidi returns to the ring announcing.
MM: You sick of the botched ring intros?
SW: No, I want nurse tits!
MM: Well, it looks like both men are now in the cage and we're ready to get this one underway. The only way to win is by pinfall or submission. Neither one of these men has yet to hold the Swiss Army Belt and the first meeting between the two.
SW: Unless Paradox got really drunk one night and ended up in a gay bar.
MM: Yes, barring that...
SW: All I know is Axl gets a bone during this match, Paradox might choppy choppy his pee pee.
MM: Paradox pounding away on Axl early. But Axl is fighting back. Axl gets Paradox in the corner. He's goes up to the second rope and rips down a Parodyox product.
SW: That's right, Mike. He's bludgeoning Paradox with a copy of the straight-to-DVD release of "Rocky 78: The Fight For More Money." In this classic tale, an over-the-hill Rocky Baldboa battles to pay for his bills, so he takes the ring to take on a new foe, Alzheimer's disease. See Rocky bludgeon himself to try and rid himself of the disease that has no cure with his boxing gloves. My favorite line from the film had to be, "Yo Adrian...who are you?"
MM: Axl jumps off and connects with a dropkick. He makes a cover, but Paradox gets out at two. Axl charges at Paradox, but Paradox grabs a weapon.
SW: Oh man, he just blasted Axl hard with "The Final Legend of Fantasy Zelda: Guild World of WarCraft 5: The Rune of Much Lagging." Now with 20 more hours of pointless walking. . Only on the Parodyox-Box 720.
MM: Axl in desperate need of some defense. Oh, he just grabbed a bag of McGristle's food. Oh, Paradox gets smacked in the face with a McStroke GreaseBurger. And now Paradox is being pummeled with McGibblets. Oh, and Paradox eats a McRespirator.
SW: I hope not, he could have the shits for a week after eating that crap. Whoops...I mean...McGristles! I'm barely digestin' it!
MM: Oh, it looks like Paradox is bleeding early.
SW: I don't think so, I think that's just ketchup.
MM: Oh, right you are, Scotty. Eww, and Axl's trying to lick it off him. But Paradox is keeping him just far enough away.
SW: Dear lord, could you imagine being that close to Axl's tongue. I guess Paradox is just lucky Axl doesn't have the Gene Simmons length tongue. Paradox needs to do something here. Oh yeah!
MM: Paradox kicks Axl aside and connects with a leaping side kick to Axl's face. Cover. One, two, no. Axl kicks out and Paradox is getting the ketchup off his face. Paradox just grabbed another video game, it looks like.
SW: Right you are. It's BUSH. It's better than Halo. Better than Doom. Better than Quake. It's BUSH! A one man killing machine who slaughters millions, without even getting up from his cozy chair in the Oval Office! Watch as an entire army falls to the ground before your eyes... as you watch the action on CNN from your hot tub. Feel the rush of sending young men and women out to die for YOU, YOU, it's all about YOU! Well, at least until next year. But never mind that, BUY IT! And don't miss next year's follow-up, Resident Evil 1600: Codename W. Only on the Parodyox-Box 720.
MM: While Scotty did that plug, Paradox dropkicked that game right into Axl's face. Paradox grabs Axl's legs. Slingshot into the cage. And he follows that up with a neckbreaker. Paradox sets up Van Halen in the corner. He just ripped down a few movies.
SW: I think he's got "The Lord of the Wedding Ring: The Bachelorhood that Time Forgot," "Borat 2: Or, Here Comes Another Lawsuit," and "Blah Wars, Episode 2" all stacked against Van Halen's crotch in the corner. By the way, Blah Wars Episode 1 is coming next year, followed by Episode 5, and then a re-make of the still in development Episode 9, which will never be released.
MM: Baseball slide dropkick into the movies.
SW: I'll give that move two thumbs way up! Hahaha!
MM: What is this. Paradox just dumped him on that arcade machine. What is that, Scotty?
SW: That's the latest arcade craze, Mike, JJA. It's Jump Jump Anarchy.
[Paradox puts 75 cents in the machine. Some punk rock music begins blaring and the lights begin flashing.]
SW: Now, Paradox has to mosh in sync with the music.
MM: But he's also stomping the hell out of Axl.
SW: That's gonna hurt his score, but it might win him the match.
Crowd: GO, PARADOX, GO PARADOX, GO PARADOX!
MM: Look at that fancy footwork.
SW: Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi!
MM: Oh, Van Halen just tripped him with the cord of one of the Parodyox-Box 780 controllers. Van Halen smashing that thing into Paradox's skull now brutally.
SW: Wow, usually when I abuse my controller that much the things break into pieces. That's one quality controller.
MM: And Paradox is now bleeding. Van Halen drags Paradox to the corner. Oh no. It's the I Hump Your Face Repeatedly, a move made famous by UNORTHODOXO.
MM: This is horrible. The crowd doesn't like this one bit. And I'm sure Paradox likes it even less. And now Van Halen is blasting Paradox with more video games.
SW: There's a "Command and Conquer Her: The Stepford Missions" shot. And a "Baby Hunter" shot. Oh, and here comes a "Super Spaghetti Brothers 78: Or, This Time, the Mushrooms are a lighter shade of Red" shot. And now Van Halen's about to take blast Paradox with some "NBA Peanut Butter and Jam '08: Xtreme Edition," with the new ability to slice the other team's heads off, and use them as a basketball! NBA PB&J: All the blood, sweat, and tears of real court action...but mostly the blood. And a lot of shattered glass. And fire. Boom-shak-a-lak-a!
MM: Axl heading up top.
MM: But Paradox shoves him backward into the cage. Paradox is up top. Superplex. And both men are down. Who will get up first?
SW: Paradox just grabbed a weapon. Hey, that's not a Parodyox product.
MM: That's his sword! How did that get in there? But Axl's got the special Parodyox-Box 780 controller for the game Too Lazy To Learn Guitar? Buy This! Both men charge at each other!
SW: Holy crap! Both men connected with those shots. And I've got to guess that Axl got the worst of that.
MM: The sword is truly mightier than the guitar controller, but that guitar packed a pretty good wallop.
SW: I think the only thing that saved Axl's life was all that hairspray. It's like a helmet.
MM: Both men are bloody messes. What a brutal No Escape For You cage match this has turned into. Both men are trying to get up. Axl's up first. He's got Paradox between his legs. But Paradox backflips him over. But Van Halen lands on his feet. He's got Paradox. Rock-O-Lution connects. Cover.
Generic Ref: One! Two! Thr--
MM: Paradox kicked out.
["Extermination Blues" by Robin Trower begins playing.]
SW: What the hell is that song?
MM: Somebody must've hit music by accident...
[The crowd erupts in cheers as Sergeant Genocide walks out from the back.]
SW: Oh. My.
MM: It's Sgt. Genocide! Six-foot-eleven, 340 pounds.
SW: Oh, Axl is a dead man.
MM: Genocide must be here to get some major payback for some incidents in the Rant Zone in recent weeks.
SW: But how can he? While it's a No Escape For You match, it's a No Entrance For Genocide as well.
MM: Axl Van Halen is taunting Genocide, who has no shot of getting in the ring.
SW: HOLY SHIT!
MM: Fans, I don't believe it.
SW: Yeah, Bobo Fiendish just crawled up through a trap door in the ring.
MM: And Axl doesn't know he's got a visitor.
BQF: Hello, my intended...
SW: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH! YES!
MM: I don't believe it. Sgt. Genocide and Bobo Q. Fiendish have come to Living In Sin and no doubt cost Axl Van Halen the Swiss Army Belt. What brilliant revenge.
[Bobo leaves through the trap door and crawls out from under the ring. He heads up the aisle and Genocide and Fiendish leave together.]
MM: Paradox is up. He doesn't even know what happened. He picks up Axl Van Halen. He's set for the Reverse Backbreaker with a...what just happened?
SW: I don't know. Fiendish and Genocide were out here. Then it's a little foggy. Did that fag slip a roofie in my drink?
MM: Paradox has the cover.
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!
MM: Who just pulled him off?
SW: Is that...XAMFIR? He's dressed up like a pirate.
MM: Paradox is in shock.
SW: Didn't Paradox accidentally de-eye Xamfir a couple years back?
MM: He sure did. And now, of all times, he makes a shocking return. Xamfir blasts Mr. Paradox with his stuffed parrot! Axl rolls him up. One. Two. Three.
SW: Shit! Axl won? And he won with a rollup? Double shit!
DA: Your here is winner and Swiss NEW champion Army, Van Axl Halen!
Xamfir: Screwing over Mr. Paradox, totally RULES!
Xamfir: Ahoy Sin City! What be yer problem? You don't like the Rated ARRRRR SuperstARRRRR? Well that be too bad, land lovers. Yo-ho-yo-ho!
MM: What a shocking end to that match. Paradox is gonna be pissed. But for tonight, Xamfir has some sort of revenge.
[Fade to black.]
Still Being Produced By Tentin Quarantino.
Still Being Written By Tentin Quarantino.
All Hail Tentin Quarantino.
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter One
"The Shit Hits The Air Conditioner"
[Nighttime. It's dark. BOB's superhero, David Boblund is driving in his CPU-issued gas-guzzling SUV because America fuckin' rules! I mean, because America is REALLY concerned about global warmBWAHAHAHA. Almost got that out with a straight narration. His cell phone rings.]
David Bobland: This is Boblund.
Voice: Please hold for the Commissioner.
DB: Mr. Commissioner, it's an honor to hear from you.
Dubya: I wish we could be speaking under better circumferences.
DB: As do I, sir.
Dubya: Davey, the STWF has vowed to disrupt the main event tonight. And we just can't have that happening. We need you and your best CPU agents to find the STWF and eliminate the threat so we can crown an ONE WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTRESS.
DB: I THINK I understand...
Dubya: I don't approve of torture, but if you need to torture people, go ahead and torture whoever you like.
DB: Are you sure?
Dubya: No, I'm Dubya.
DB: All right, sir. I understand.
Dubya: The cock is ticking. Time is walking short. Hurry down!
DB: Yes sir, I'm on my way to CPU headquarters now. I'll update you later.
[There are number punching sounds.]
DB: Sir, you're still talking to me.
Dubya: Is this Dominos?
DB: No, sir. It's David Bobland.
Dubya: Davey? This is no time to be making pizzas! Get to CPU immediately. And get me my pizza in thirty minutes or I'm not paying.
DB: Yes, sir!
[There are number punching sounds.]
DB: Sir? You're STILL talking...ah, forget it...
[Bobland shuts off the cell phone.]
DB: B-O-B! B-O-B! B-O-B!
[He turns up the radio, which is playing "Living In Sin" by Vixen. We fade in to the BOB Ballroom in the Riviera Hotel, where the fans are chanting B-O-B! B-O-B! B-O-B!]
Mike Monroe: Hello everyone, and welcome to Living In Sin. I am Mike Monroe, alongside Scotty Whatbody.
Scotty Whatbody: Who's producing and writing this show? I couldn't tell by the 10,000 self-mentions in the first minute of the show.
MM: We've got nine huge matches tonight. Thank you for sending us your money.
SW: And remember kids, no refunds!
MM: Hold on, I understand something is going on in the hall. Let's head out there now.
[Sir Zeno is kicking the crap out of a door, but it isn't budging.]
SZ: Michelle, get out here and face me like a woman. You and that no-talent loser will not screw me over. I know you're in there, Pigeon!
Pigeon: No I'm not.
[Zeno storms away. The camera follows him head, right into the BOB Ballroom. He stomps down the aisle without any music, getting cheered by the crowd. He ignores them all and grabs a microphone from the special guest ring announcer, some bald guy in makeup...wait...is that...]
Sir Zeno: Listen up, Michelle. Listen up Pigeon. Listen up BigBOSS, Dubya, Monroe, Whatbody, and all you people here in Sin City and all you watching at home. I have been screwed over for years. I should have been the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION two years ago. I know Michelle and Pigeon have been working together to make sure that HE gets the title tonight. But this crap ends tonight.
SZ: I've had it with this crappy promotion. I've had it with all the inferior wrestlers. I've had it with everything. I am going to win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS tonight. And I am going to unleash pure hell on each and every one of you. And if you people conspire to keep the title off me, you'll WISH I had won the title, because what I will unleash will be a hundred times worse.
[The crowd chants "Zeno, Zeno, Zeno." Zeno seems surprised by this, considering he's promising to torment the fans in the future.]
SZ: Shut up!
[The crowd pops. Zeno roars in anger.]
SZ: After tonight, you will all be on your knees before me like the lowly peasants your are. I will rule you like a god. The god of gods. The most vengeful god of vengeful gods. And there is no book that will save any of your damned souls. Start groveling, lowly servants. Get used to being on your knees, praying for life and wishing for death. After tonight, all will bow before Sir Zeno.
["Narayan" by Prodigy plays as Zeno makes his exit.]
MM: This is a huge night for Sir Zeno and Dimension Z. He's going after the OWTTM, Paradox is going after the Swiss Army Belt and Queen Mylisiv is trying to win the T&A XX Division Title. Think he's cracking under the pressure?
SW: (Singing) Pressure...pushing down on me.
MM: Great insights as usual, Scotty...Well fans, we're ready for our first match. Let's send it up to Britney Smears?
SW: Holy shit, she's bald?
BS: The opening match is...set for a....one....
[Britney jumps out of the ring, grabs an umbrella and starts smashing it into the EZ Break Announce Table.]
BS: DIE! DIE! DIE!
MM: Hey, what did that table ever do to you?
[Britney collapses, sucks her thumb and cries.]
SW: Holy CRAP! Who thought bringing her in was a good idea?
MM: Will somebody gets Ms. Smears her meds?
["Under the Knife" by AC/DC plays. Dr. Thrilla walks out in bloodstained scrubs, accompanied by Cecil. The Flunky runs down and gives Britney a bottle of something.]
BS: Yay, pills! Gimme gimme gimme!
[She starts downing the pills like it's a bottle of water.]
[Britney jumps up onto the EZ Break Announce Desk, pulls up her skirt, revealing that she has no panties on, and begins jumping up and down.]
SW: Oh baby! Wow, she's one of the rare women who can truly claim she's TOTALLY shaved. From her head all the way down to her cooter! Woohoo!
MM: She has eyebrows.
SW: You're looking at her EYEBROWS?
MM: This is sad. Can we get her out of...
MM: Oh god! Somebody please get her out of here.
SW: Hey baby. You doing anything after the show.
MM: Scotty, she just vomited all over the desk!
SW: She did? Oh...so Britney, honey, you seeing anybody?
MM: Flunky, get her out of here.
BS: No! More pills! *Vomits*
[Flunky drags her out.]
SW: Who vomited all over my script?
MM: Britney Smears just did.
SW: Oh. A bipolar drug addict who doesn't wear panties. That's my kind of woman!
["The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground plays. Out comes Logonoa with Generic Foot Locker Employee, who is carrying a bucket full of what looks to be small dead fish.]
MM: Now we don't have a special guest ring announcer. This sad. Isn't there anybody who can save the day?
Voice-Over: Back stand! An Avenger there's through coming!
["No Oh Dyslexic I'm" by the Hairy Aureolas plays. Minor pop as Dyslexic Avenger heads to ringside.]
SW: Didn't we get enough of him on the last SMC?
MM: He was only on for a couple of minutes.
SW: You know why he lost his job as a cashier at that sandwich shop and came back to BOB, don't you?
MM: No, why?
SW: He kept spitting in the tips jar! BWAHAHAHA!
DA: Dyslexics of the world UNTIE!
[The crowd gives a sarcastic cheer.]
DA: The match of opening Sin Living In is one fall for set! Introducing in first left the corner to my! From Mexico, Tijuania, in at weighing 391 pounds! Thrilla Dr.!
SW: BWAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, this guy IS great.
DA: And opponent his! In standing to the corner in right my! From Florida, Orlando, in at weighing pounds 920! Loganoo!
MM: Close enough, I guess. Though he was a bit off on their weights. The fans are gonna get their money's worth tonight, Scotty. The fans are all on their feet.
MM: Oh wait, now they're sitting down. Hold on, Dr. Thrilla has the microphone now?
Dr. Thrilla: *Angry metal clanging*
Cecil: The doctor states that Sin City sucks.
DT: *Confused metal clanging*
Cecil: And you all are, poor, ugly, underachieving alcoholics?
[Crowd pop. Cecil shrugs.]
DT: *Sigh disinterested metal clanging*
Cecil: Sin City is so lame that no professional sports teams will even play here?
[Another crowd pop.]
SW: Man, Thrilla tried every cheap heel tactic in the book, but still he can't get booed. Our bookers are so out of touch with today's wrestling fans.
MM: And this one is off and running. Thrilla punches and jabs away on Logonoa. And there's a bulldog. Logonoa rolls outside to get a breather.
SW: Oh brother, he's already winded? Can't say I'm shocked.
MM: Generic Foot Locker Employee trying to calm down the deaf Samoan. But he won't give Logonoa a raw fish. Oh, how cruel.
SW: He should get a whip, too. And a Stairmaster or something.
MM: It's a glandular condition, Scotty.
SW: Please. This guy's so fat he ate his own glands.
MM: Logonoa back inside. Thrilla with a leaping shoulderblock, but Logonoa doesn't go down. Oh, Logonoa throws Thrilla over the top rope. Logonoa clotheslines Thrilla down. And Generic Foot Locker Employee tosses him a fish.
SW: Gross. Look at the fish guts on his chin!
MM: Oh no, Samoan drop on the floor. And Logonoa gets another fish. Logonoa's training is starting to pay off.
SW: Yeah, he'll be trained great until he drops dead of a tape worm or hepatitis. And with a belly and ass that big, there's NO WAY he's only eating fish.
MM: Logonoa's breaks Generic Ref's count and is coming back out for more. He pounds away on Thrilla and look out.
SW: And I thought Britney's breath was disgusting. Holy crap, get away from us.
MM: Logonoa just rammed Thrilla into our desk. Generic Foot Locker Employee feeds him another fish and giving him some sort of sign language instruction.
SW: A middle finger. Pointing at Thrilla. And then pointing up at the ceiling...hmmm...I think even YOU can figure that one out, Mikey.
MM: I can, but I won't say it out loud. Not all of BOB's commentators have potty mouths.
SW: He's gonna fuck...him...up!
MM: Thanks for the clarification...I got it.
SW: Yeah, but some of our fans are morons.
MM: Logonoa back inside. Thrilla trying to get back in the ring now. Logonoa charges right into a shoulderblock. Thrilla leaps over. Sunset flip? Can he get Logonoa over?
SW: Apparently not. Thrilla's arms got tired.
MM: Thrilla picks up Lognoa for a slam, but Logonoa falls on Thrilla. One, two, Thrilla kicks out. Oh my, some brutal kicks from Logonoa on Thrilla there.
SW: Maybe Logonoa could get some cheap liposuction from Thrilla.
MM: I don't know. I've heard some bad things about him using a Wet-Vac.
SW: He uses Mexicans? For what?
MM: No, a wet-VAC.
SW: Oh...silly me...I thought you said something else. Well, he is from Tijuana, you know. I was just assuming you let your racist tendencies slip on the air.
MM: Thrilla fighting back. He charges, but right into a—
SW: Fat Bottom!
MM: I guess that works. Thrilla kicks out at two again. Generic tosses Logonoa another fish. But this gives Thrilla a little time to recover. Thrilla with a low blow. And an eye poke. Logonoa responds with a headbutt. And both men are down.
SW: The only Samoan who doesn't have a hard head. Poor bastard.
MM: Logonoa's up first. He bounces off the ropes and connects with a butt drop right into Thrilla's chest. Logonoa gets a fish, and Generic Foot Locker Employee wants another one. Logonoa off the ropes, but Thrilla holds up his rusty scalpel. Oh no. Logonoa stopped. Thrilla charges, but it's the feared Samoan Death Grip. Nobody's ever broken this hold.
SW: Isn't this the first time Logonoa's ever used that move?
MM: Technically, yes. But my math is still correct. The crowd is trying to cheer on Thrilla, who is fading. Generic Ref wrestles the rusty scalpel away from Thrilla. And the crowd doesn't like that.
SW: Yes. Greco-Roman eye rake.
MM: Thrilla tossing punches and kicks at Logonoa. Clothesline. Oh, Thrilla is powerslammed. It looks like Logonoa wants another fish. But Generic Ref won't give him one. GFLE signalling for the Teeth Buster.
SW: Will that even work on Thrilla? He doesn't have teeth.
MM: He's gonna try. Thrilla sits up. Here it comes. Thrilla caught Logonoa's foot with his bear trap teeth. Logonoa collapses to the mat in pain. And now Thrilla's locking it in.
SW: Tap out, fish breath!
MM: Logonoa's bare foot is bleeding buckets. Oh this is terrible. Logonoa is trying to crawl to the ropes, but Thrilla pulls him back and wraps him up. Logonoa taps. Logonoa taps.
SW: I wonder who has that worse breath after that one. Thrilla's feet breath or Logonoa's fish breath.
[Thrilla's music plays.]
DA: Your here is winner, Thrilla Dr.!
MM: Quite an impressive victory for the doctor in our opening match at Living In Sin.
[Fade to black.]
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Seven
"Beer Is A Drink Best Served Cold"
[Meanwhile in the torture suite, David Boblund slammed a cactus into Alan Qaida's knees.]
[Boblund's cell phone rings.]
Voice: Please stay on the line for the STWF.
Disguised Voice: Boblund...this is the leader of the STWF.
DB: How did you get this number?
Disguised Voice: From your daughter, actually.
DB: My...daughter? NO! YOU SON OF A BITCH! How dare you kidnap my daughter when I'm torturing somebody! I just rescued her four times in the last 24 hours!
DV: Pop quiz hot shot. A rebel parody group has your daughter, but your daughter's been kidnapped. Do you stay on mission? Or do you break protocol. I bet I already know the answer.
DB: PUT THE GUN DOWN NOW!
DV: What gun?
DB: Oh, sorry, habit. LEAVE MY DAUGHTER OUT OF THIS!
DV: Too late. This is one barely legal blonde in a tight T-shirt that won't be getting the chance to be kidnapped ever AGAYNE.
DB: Is this Chris Jericho?
DV: Eh? Oh, crap, I've gotta go. Who potty-trained her as a child? She's drowning in the toilet and getting urine all over the floor. Please hurry.
[Boblund runs out of the room. Back to the BOB Ballroom.]
Lock: David? David!
[Qaida leaps onto the bed and crashes into the wall, smashing the chair and freeing himself.]
Lock: Oh, crap.
[Back to the Ballroom.]
DA: Following the the is Pack-Six Belly In the Beer Match Ladder Contendership Match First! Whoever the six-pack retrieves the hanging using ring above the ladder then able will be bribe to booker into the getting an MTTOW before title shot beer the stale goes!
SW: We really shouldn't have let him read all those rules.
MM: I know.
["Firestarter by Prodigy plays.]
DA: First introducing, 211 weighing pounds, is this the Pyromaniac Kevin!
SW: Well, we've already seen a flaming wrestler with Axl Van Halen, maybe now we'll get to see flaming ladders.
MM: We will probably see more flaming wrestlers since Kevin is involved in this.
SW: Kevin's a fag?
Voice-over: I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me. I don't like the drugs, the drugs, the drugs...
["I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)" by Marilyn Manson plays, and out comes Kurt Angel.
DA: Participant number two introducing! Heaven from! In weighing pounds 202! Is this Kurt Angel!
["X Gonna Give It To Ya" by DMX plays.]
DA: Participant number three introducing! From California, Fresno, pounds 572 weighing! Is this Trable Xfactor Pete!
SW: Petizzle Trabizzle in da hizzy.
MM: Please stop that.
["Pop" by NSYNC plays.]
DA: Participant number four introducing! From Ohio, Kent, weighing 810 pounds, is this Packaged Totally Jim!
SW: 810 pounds? Damn, how'd he put on that much weight? And yet keep that slim figure?
MM: You know it's Dyslexic Avenger.
SW: Yeah, I do, but fun it's retards making fun of. Haha!
["Them Bones" by Alice In Chains plays.]
DA: Participant number five introducing! From Netherworld the, is this Death!
["Don't Want You Back" by Eamon plays.]
DA: And final participant the! From Ohio, Kent, weighing 910 pounds, Man Massive First Rendition!
MM: And this one is underway. Trable getting the early advantage taking people down left and right here with that chained fist. There are no rules in this one.
SW: Hmm...I wonder if I could sneak in there and get the beer.
MM: You want to be the number on contender and take on the winner of Sir Zeno and Pigeon?
SW: No, I want the BEER, dumbass. This show is giving me a headache, especially Dyslexic Avenger.
MM: Trable with a slam on Death. But Jim takes down Trable. Angel's brings a ladder in early. Oh, Massive Man dropkicks the ladder into Angel.
SW: What the hell is he doing?
MM: Massive Man appears to be trying to piledrive the ladder onto Angel.
SW: Holy shit! That worked. It may have ended Kurt's wrestling career, but damn, it worked. Whoa, blood's gushing everywhere. This show is starting to get better suddenly.
MM: Trable clothesline Angel to the floor. Death clothesline Trable to the floor. Kevin gets back body dropped to the floor. Oh, and Massive Man and Death both fall to the floor. Jim's all alone in the ring at the moment. He's got the ladder.
MM: Wow, he just hiptossed the ladder out onto all five of his opponents. Death just pulled Jim out and sideslams him on the floor. Kevin's trying to light his elbow pad on fire, but Death is in and hits him in the face with his foot. Now Death with the ladder. Netherworld Powerbomb on the ladder onto Kevin.
SW: Man, that ladder is really taking a beating. I hope it makes it, it's the only one we could afford.
MM: Death starts to climb, but Death is in. He grabs Death.
SW: Holy shit! Belly to belly suplex from the top of the ladder! I love spotfests! Oh no! His leg fell off!
MM: You're right Scotty. Death's leg is out here on the floor.
Death: Son of a bitch!
MM: Luckily, some medics are on their way down here to help Death. Oh no! He just killed the medics.
Death: Does anybody have some crazy glue?
MM: The match continues on here as Massive Man just suplexed the ladder onto Kevin the Pyromaniac. He's got the ladder set up over Kevin and hits a Leap Of Fate on the ladder! But that hurt Massive Man as much as Kevin.
SW: Here comes Petizzle. And now Jim's up top and they're eye poking each other. It's all fun and games until Xamfir loses an eye. KREW KUTTER from the ladder!
MM: Kevin spraying his boots with lighter fluid.
MM: Flaming dropkick by Kevin takes Jim down.
SW: Call him Totally Burnt Jim from now on. Hahaha.
MM: Flunky extinguishes Kevin's boots. And Kevin doesn't look to happy about that. Kevin tries to pick up the ladder, but it falls on him. Oh no. Angel's going for the Angel Lock.
KA: Owwww! Hothothothot.
SW: His boots were too hot to hit the Angel Lock. Great counter, I guess.
MM: Angel drags Kevin over to the corner. He just monkeyflipped the ladder into Kevin. Now he's got Kevin and the ladder sandwiched.
SW: No way!
MM: Overhead belly to belly suplex on Kevin and the ladder.
SW: Kevin's gotta be dead after that one.
MM: Here comes Death hopping in on one leg. He throws the ladder and smashes Trable in the face. Death trying to set the ladder up, but he's having trouble climbing. Massive Man pulls Death off the ladder. Touch Of Death misses, and Massive Man locks in an armbar.
SW: Hey, no wrestling in my spotfests!
MM: Jim's heading up the ladder. But Kurt Angel grabs the ladder for a Heavenly Slam. And Jim crashes to the mat. Oh, and it looks like Angel hurt his neck on the landing as well.
SW: Angel hurt his neck? Somebody get that man steroids, stat! Hey, look, it's Uber Vampire Warrior and Lord Athackkimentham. They're helping repair Death's broken leg.
MM: What a match, fans. The fans here in Sin City are loving this action. Oh, Jim's got the ladder set up again. Could Jim win this thing?
SW: BWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, right. Jim be the number one contender. I'd like to see that.
MM: You may be about to, Scotty. Jim is inches away from the six-pack. But somehow, Kevin is up. The ladder is on fire. And Jim jumps off, not wanting to get burned. Oh, Trable just clothesline Jim down. CD to Kevin.
SW: Flunky, put out the ladder.
MM: He does, and that gives Trable the chance to climb. Look out. Massive Man is on the top rope. He dives. What a Leap Of Fate! Trable and Massive Man are both down.
Crowd: B-O-B! B-O-B! B-O-B!
MM: Angel tosses Massive Man to the floor. Angel's making the climb now. But wait, Death is in now, and he's got Massive Man. Netherworld Powerbomb from the ladder. Scotty, I've never seen a match like this in my life.
SW: Blood! Fire! Death! It's got everything!
MM: Death is about to win this one.
SW: Holy shit! Kevin just hit a springboard flaming clothesline and took Death off the ladder!
MM: Man, Kevin is keeping the Flunky and our fire extinguisher budget busy. Now Massive Man grabs the ladder and is on the top rope? That was a variation of the Sideways Effect on the ladder down onto Kevin. That'll be it for Kevin, I think.
SW: Massive Man and Jim just both grabbed the ladder. Time to see Regeneration X die.
MM: They've got the ladder set up. They're both climbing. Both of them are looking at the six-pack. They're both reaching for it? What are we about to see here?
SW: I think we're about to see them get yanked off the ladder by Uber Vamp and Lord A.
MM: How dare they ruin this match. Lord A has Jim hooked. Santanic Sacrifice connects. Impaler on Massive Man. Nobody can stop Death now.
SW: Yes! Death wins! Death wins!
MM: They screwed Jim and Massive Man out of the six-pack.
SW: Yeah, it's great, isn't it?
DA: Your winner here is, Death!
[Fade to black.]
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Eight
"How Can You Have A ONE Night Stand Every Year, Vince?
[As David Boblund headed down in the elevator, his cell phone rang.]
DB: This is David.
Dustbuster Boy Esq: David, it's Dusty. David, I just received a disturbing phone call.
DB: Was it from Scotty Whatbody again?
DBE: Well, yeah.
DB: Damn it, Dusty, you've got to focus on the STWF problem. They kidnapped my daughter.
DBE: They got Jenn-Erik?
DB: Yeah. I'm going to rescue her now. Dusty, you're the only one I can trust.
DBE: But this is the first time we've ever talked.
DB: I need a map of the hotel sent to my cell phone.
DBE: How do I do that?
DB: I need it quick. I'm going dark.
DB: I've gotta go, I've got another call coming in. Get that map to me NOW!
Lock: David. I think there's a traitor in our midst. When will you be back here.
DB: I've gotta go rescue my girl. But I have no clue where she is.
Lock: She got kidnapped again?
Lock: Have you considered putting a Lo-Jack system in her?
DB: I'm starting to. What did you want?
Lock: There's a traitor in our midst.
DB: How do you know that?
[Cut to CPU HQ. There is a giant flashing middle finger on all the monitors. Back to the lobby.]
Woman: Excuse me, miss. There is urine all over the floor in the lobby bathroom.
DB: Urine? Lobby bathroom? I've got to go.
[He hangs up. Boblund grabs the woman.]
DB: Who's urine is it? WHO'S URINE?
[The woman just stares at Boblund, scared. Boblund runs off in search of the restroom.]
DB: Jenn-Erik!!! Daddy's coming!
[Back to the Ballroom.]
DA: Following the is for the match XX Title T&A Division, will be and it a Batting On A Softball Lumberjill Tee Match! Woman who the first to get is able off of the softball the tee corner in the ring of the use it can in the as weapon a match. First introducing first, the jillslumber..."The Jobber" Eliza "Slayer," Vicks Katie, Waters Misty and Heidi Nursei!
SW: Man, can we cram a few more gimmick matches into this gimmick match?
["Toxic" by Britney Spears plays.]
DA: First introducing, from G4 Dimension...Mylisiv Queen!
[Mylisiv enters to cheers from the crowd.]
DA: Her opponent and...
["(They Long To Be) Close To You" by the Carpenters plays.]
DA: Accompanied to being ring the by Mantle Nikkie, is this O'Rexic Anne!
SW: Wonder how many seconds it will take for Mylisiv to annihilate this girl?
MM: Not many, I'd imagine.
SW: I heard this chick thinks air has too many calories. Apparently Nikki doesn't however. Yowza. Look at that giant ass. Her turds are probably bigger than Anne.
MM: One of these women will be the first ever T&A XX Division Champion. And here we go. Mylisiv with some powerful elbows to start. But O'Rexic fights back with a springboard body attack.
SW: Ha, Mylisiv barely even moved from the total nonexistent impact.
MM: Mylisiv with knocks her down and heads outside. Slingshot senton splash. And now she's going for the softball. But Anne hits an elbow from behind and Mylisiv falls throat first on the ropes. O'Rexic is trying to pick up the softball, but...
SW: BWAHAHAHA, it's too heavy for her. See what happens when you don't eat? You can't pick up softballs and you don't have any tits. Girls, don't imitate this crap. At least if you're gonna be anorexic or bulimic, get some implants, huh? Although...they'd probably just rip through the skin...
MM: Please focus, Scotty. Mylisiv kicking away on O'Rexic. And O'Rexic is down. O'Rexic ducks. Oh, but she didn't duck that one. Mylisiv is going for the softball. But Nikki Mantle is blocking her way. And here comes the lumberjills.
[Cut to Styles.]
Styles: CAT FIGHTS! CAAAAT FIIIIIIIGHTS!
SW: Yeah, yeah, rip, tear, pull! Yes! Yes!
MM: All the girls are brawling. This is absolute chaos out here.
SW: Sexy chaos.
MM: Mylisiv's got the softball. She beans O'Rexic in the head. And the pile of catfighting girls just rolled on top of O'Rexic. Mylisiv jumps on top. One. Two. Three. Mylisiv has done it.
DA: Here is your winner and new T&A XX Division Champion, Queen Mylisiv.
MM: Well fans, Mylisiv has her title and is leaving, but this fight is continuing on.
SW: It's the closest thing we've had to an all-girl orgy on an On-Demand event yet. Living In Sin rules!
[Fade to black.]
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Four
"These Undies Aren't Gonna Rip Themselves"
DB: I'm BOB CPU agent David Boblund, and this is the longest on-demand event of my life.
[Boblund puts a piranha tank wrapped in barbed wire against RVS's head.]
DB: You are gonna tell me! What is happening in the main event!
Lock: Holster your piranha tank! I said holster your piranha tank NOW!
[Boblund puts the tank down.]
DB: I know you've got to be involved in the plot to disrupt the main event because you don't have a match. Therefore, you need to have some sort of segment on this show, isn't that right? ISN'T THAT RIGHT?
DB: Rob, you're out of time.
RVS: I'm also out of grass. You holdin'?
DB: Rob, you and me are gonna have a piranha death match right now. And I don't like your odds, with you being all tied up to the chair. To win, I put your face in that tank with pirahna for 10 seconds. And just to prove they're really piranha...Lock, put your finger in the tank.
Lock: No way dood! Er, David.
DB: See? If there weren't really piranha in there, he would put his finger in. Now...who is going to disrupt the main event tonight?
RVS: Duh, the STWF.
DB: How do you know that?!
[David hits him with a sledgehammer.]
DB: (To Lock) Call medical. (To RVS) You son of a bitch! How do you know that?
RVS: He told me!
["What Would You Do?" by Paris is playing as we retrun to the BOB Ballroom.]
DA: Following is the match a! First introducing. Smith Alex!
[Alex Smith emerges with his bullhorn.]
AS: Ladies and gentlemen! Another celebrity has joined the 9/11 truth movement! Her name is Rosie O'Donnell!
AS: Yes, I know she is a disgusting pig, but she agrees with many of the things I've been saying for months now. She knows that the fires in WTC7 were not evenly distributed, so a perfect collapse of that building was impossible. The owner of the ONLY World Trade Center buildings that DID collapse, Larry Silverstein, said to the fire commander: "The smartest thing to do is pull it."
SW: Good lord. I hope we don't have to endure some sort of Alex Smith versus a fake Rush Limbaugh match.
[Specter of the Spirit Quad appears before the EZ Break Announce Table.]
Specter: Oooh, can I play Rush?
SW: I'll get back to you, Specter.
AS: Firefighters withdrawing from the area stated the building was going to blow up. How did they know that so long before it collapsed? The roof of WTC 7 visibly crumbled and the building collapsed perfectly into its footprint, a definite sign of a PLANNED implosion. Molten steel and partially evaporated steel members were found in the debris.
AS: Why is it that the media will hype up a meaningless fight with Donald Trump but give no attention to these comments? The mainstream media has not touched this issue. And they won't, because they're in on it. Multinational corporation have a stranglehold on the military-industrial complex. Fans, Rosie O'Donnell is just one of HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS who are questioning the official story! Guys like Charlie Sheen! Former military members! Former FBI, CIA and other government agency members have all come forward to shed light on the shadow government that is running our world!
AS: And now the same criminal elements have taken root right here in BOB! They are planning on raping this company for all the money they can at the expense of us, the wrestlers. BOB as you know it is already DEAD. The maggots are devouring this place from within! It's only a matter of time before you see the faces of PURE EVIL who have hijacked this federation.
[The lights dim. "Groovy Underwear" by Pansy Division begins playing.]
DA: Opponent and his! Undietaker The!
SW: Smith is about to get his ass kicked. Hey, look, it's the rest of the Spirit Quad. They've materialized in the ring.
Spirit Quad: We got the spirit, yea, yea.
We are the spirits, yea, yea.
We got the North, the South, the East, the West,
Undietaker don't play no mess.
We got the spirit, yea, yea.
We are the spirits, yea, yea.
SW: They should really join the Skull & Bones Society. They'd fit right in. Especially since Death probably killled all of them, they won't be strangers or anything.
MM: No wonder this room was so cheap to rent out. It's haunted with cheerleader ghosts.
SW: I don't think they're cheerleader ghosts, Mike. They're ghost cheerleaders.
SW: Cheerleader ghosts would suggest that a cheerleader died and became a ghost, but a cheerleader ghost is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a cheerleader.
MM: No, Scotty. There are cheerleader ghosts because they're the ghosts of cheerleaders.
SW: You're wrong, because there were no male cheerleaders for the Riviera Hotel because they don't have a sports team here. So these must be ghosts that decided to become pirates after the fact.
MM: But that makes them cheerleader ghosts.
SW: No, it makes them ghost cheerleaders.
MM: Cheerleader ghosts.
AS: (Bullhorning) Uh, guys? Do you mind? I've got to get my ass kicked by the Undietaker. Besides, I think "South Park" might sue us for such a blatant ripoff.
MM: Right, sorry. We're ready to go. Undietaker goes right after Smith, but Smith avoids Undietaker early on. Smith's only hope is that he can outrun Undietaker and let Taker tire himself out.
SW: The spirit of the Undietaker lives in the waistbands of all underwear. And I think Smith just crapped his.
MM: Undietaker's got Smith cornered and is unleashing a brutal beating. Oh, and Undietaker nearly took Smith's head off with that clothesline. Two and, Smith kicked out?
SW: What a dumbass. You know he's going to lose. Why drag this out? There are far better matches to get to.
MM: Undietaker working on the shoulder and now climbing up top. Oh, he just wedgied Smith while standing on the top rope. You don't see many men with the size and balance of the Undietaker.
SW: And at no-selling, no one's better.
MM: Smith needs to get on track here.
SW: All he does is come out, talk about conspiracies, and then get his ass brutally kicked. You'd almost think there was a conspiracy against him.
MM: Leg drop. He drags up Smith and snake eyes him in the corner. And there's a big boot.
Half-Crowd: UN-DIE-TAKER! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
Half-Crowd: HE CAN'T WRESTLE! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
Half-Crowd: UN-DIE-TAKER! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
Half-Crowd: HE CAN'T WRESTLE! *Clap, clap, clapclapclap*
MM: And it looks like this is the end for Smith. Wedgie-Aided Chokeslam From Hell. Cover. And that is it.
DA: Your is winner here! Undietaker the!
MM: Oh, and Undietaker takes Smith's shredded undies as well.
SW: No wonder he's wound so tight. He should switch from tighty-whities to boxers. Maybe he could calm down a bit.
[The lights dim.]
Disembodied Voice Of The Undietaker: ZENO! Boy...You're in the fast land now, boy! The fast lane...on the Hershey Highway. I have seen what is written in your skidmarks. And soon...you will (eyes roll back into his skull) DRESS...IN....FLEECE!
SW: What is the issue with Zeno and Undietaker?
MM: I have no idea.
SW: Maybe Zeno used to work at a store and caught Taker stealing undies and vowed to someday get revenge. Wow, that's lame...I hope we come up with a better backstory than that.
MM: Don't count on it.
[Fade to black.]
Click Here For Send Us Money: Living In Sin Part 2
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