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Brawlers On a Budget Bandwidth
Provided by GoDaddy
March 18, 2007
An On-Demand Event Presented by Tentin Quarantino.
Tentin Quarantino presents
A Tentin Quarantino production
Written by Tentin Quarantino
BOB: Send Us Money: Living In Sin Vol. 2
Live from Sin City
From the Riviera Hotel, Where Tentin Quarantino Is Staying In A Two-Bed Suite
Produced by Tentin Quarantino
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Three
"They Made The Critics Talk A Lot"
[In a hallway of the Riviera Hotel, David Boblund was huddled up with some generic extras dressed in black SWAT-type gear near the elevator.]
DB: All right everybody, listen. We don't have a lot of time until the main event. So we need to start torturing people before it comes illegal again. We're going to Rob Van Spam's secret hideout...just as soon as this elevator opens up.
*TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK*
DB: Damn it, where is that sound effect coming from? Get my chainsaw!
[The elevator doors open.]
DB: EVERYBODY MOVE!
[The CPU agents rush toward the doors as Rob Van Spam emerges from the elevator and bumps right into a couple of them.]
RVS: Whoa, doods, watch out! Stoned mofo coming through. What's the rush, man? We're in Sin City? There aren't any clocks here. Wooooo!
DB: GET HIM! NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!
[RVS ducks and rolls and charges toward the nearest exit. The agents and Boblund all charge after him. Outside, RVS runs blindly right into a group of Elvis impersonators in white jumpsuits.]
Elvis (offscreen voice): Look fellas. We got trouble...uh-huh huh!
Elvis (possibly different voice): When you mess with one Elvis...you mess with all Elvises...uh-huh huh!
[A whole bunch of Elvises enter the shot and check on the ruckus. Then, the agents rush out of the hotel and everybody gets knocked over in the process, leading to a giant mound of Elvises and CPU agents.]
Extra #5: There are Elvii everywhere!
DB: That's not grammatically correct! There are Elves everywhere!
Extra #9: I don't think that's right either.
Extra #11: I heard there are 85,000 Elvis's around the world and that by 2019, Elvis impersonators will make up a third of the world population.
Elvis #4: Well-uh...What'd you expect, son? You're in Little Graceland. Uh-huh huh! *Pelvic thrust*
DB: Put the banana and peanut butter sandwich down NOW!
Extra #9: How are we going to find Rob Van Spam in all these Elvis impersonators?
DB: Look for the one that's not in a jumpsuit...or a gold-jacket...or
Elvis #4: Actually, son, we all prefer the term 'Elvis Tribute Artist.' Uh-huh huh!
Elvis #9: You all done picked the wrong Elvis Tribute Artists to mess with. Well-uh, get 'em!
Elvis #2: *Pelvic thrust* Well since my baby left me...
[Elvis takes out a CPU agent with a guitar shot.]
Elvis #4: Love me tender, love me true...
[Elvis takes out a different CPU agent with a guitar shot. On the street, a grape-colored El Dorado speeds down, as an Elvis cocks a guitar like an AK-47.]
Elvis In Car: You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time.
[Elvis takes out a CPU agent with a drive-by guitar shot.]
Elvis #1: *Pelvic thrust* Everybody in the whole cell block, was dancin' to the Jailhouse Rock.
[As agents are taken out, David Boblund grabbed RVS by the ponytail. Boblund pulls out his cell phone.]
DB: We got him. But I lost my entire team.
Lock: Again? C'mon, David!
DB: Damn it, Lock. LET ME DO MY JOB! What's more important? A few extras' lives, or the future of this federation?
Lock: You're right. Bring him in.
DB: (To RVS) You and me are gonna talk.
[Back to the ballroom. "Thus Spake The Nightspirit" by Emperor is playing].
DA: Following the for the is Good Not Fight Enough To Alone Team Titles Tag! The first challengers introducing! Vampire Uber Lord and Warrior...Ablahcoemmcchaledobhauelmadouemaacveee3haelajheoze...
SW: Hey, Generic Ref! Dyslexic Avenger's broke. Smack him, will ya?
GR: Will do!
DA: Thanks, Fer Generic!
[Uber Vampire Warrior and Lord Athackkimentham make their way to the ring to cheers from the crowd.]
SW: They're getting cheered? Man, this IS a heel town!
MM: Will Coma and Hallucination Boy show up? They were warned a few weeks back that if they ever saw them again that there would be deadly consequences.
SW: Hallucination Boy is constantly being attacked by trains. Do you really think a threat from a KISS reject is gonna worry him?
["Rock N Roll All Nite" by KISS plays.]
SW: Oh, boy...
[Mark Shill steps out.]
SW: What's that fat washed-up idiot doing out here?
MM: You might want to check out your script.
SW: There's still drunk Britney vomit all over it. Why?
MM: You'll see...
MS: Fans, I've been waiting to say this my entire life! THE GREATEST BAND IN THE WORLD...KIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!
[Coma and Hallucination Boy run out from the back, both painted up to look like Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, respectively.]
SW: It's Gene Hallucinations and Coma Stanley.
Coma: I wanna POINK n NARF all night, Party Boyz every SQUEAK!
MM: Even though the fans were cheering the Skull & Bones, the fans are all singing along with Coma and Hallucination Boy here.
SW: Oh no, Hallucination Boy just stole Uber Vamp's chalice. And the blood goes flying. Oh, Uber Vamp's not going to appreciate that. Uber Vamp rips the chalice away from him.
MM: It looks like Hallucination Boy and Uber Vamp will start this one off for us. And away we go. Hallucination Boy with an Achilles Tendon Elbow.
SW: I know these black metal types use that corpse paint crap to look all evil, inhuman and corpse-like, but, doesn't it really just make them look like panda bears?
MM: That's true. I never noticed that before. There's a Special Roll by Hallucination Boy. But Uber Vamp kicks out. Uber Vamp charges...
HB: TRAIN *Dives*
MM: And Uber Vamp trips and falls. Oh, what a Cloverleaf Uppercut by Hallucination Boy there. Oh, beautiful Handspring Uppercut there takes Uber Vamp down. Cover, but only gets two.
SW: Holy crap, these guys have been the only Not Good Enough champs, ever?
MM: Yep. Nobody has been able to take the titles from them in two years, Scotty. Tag in to Coma Stanley.
SW: That'd be more impressive if BOB had been somewhat active in 2006.
MM: Uber Vamp doesn't seem to want any bit of Coma. But Lord Athackkimentham doesn't care. Oh, he just spit on Coma.
SW: Oversell much? It was just spit. I can't believe he bumped off spit.
MM: Hold on, Hallucination Boy just tossed Coma a bottle of water. It's the clear mist, and Lord Athackkimentham is blinded. Athackkimentham just got a dose of his own medicine there.
SW: Yeah, water's so deadly. *Sigh*
MM: Overhead Stump Twist by Coma. Oh, here it comes, a Crossface Stomp. And now he's got a Crab Gutwrench locked in.
SW: Uh-huh. Coma's wrestling is as mixed up as his poor brain.
MM: But Athackkimentham fights back. Oh, Fallaway Leg Hold by Coma. He's showing his great submission skills here, Scotty.
SW: If I could end this match by tapping out, believe me I would. I mean, Coma's so dumb, I once found him staring at a piece of paper. He said it was pay-per-view.
MM: Russian Entanglement Smash by Coma connects. But Athackkimentham fighting back once again.
SW: Don't hit him in the head, hit him where it'll hurt.
MM: Coma's got him, oh, what a Wheelbarrow Elbow that was. Cover. One. Two. No. Here comes Hallucination Boy. Flapjack Jawbreaker. Oh my. Only gets a two, however. But Athackkimentham with a desperate chin breaker and makes the tag. Both guys are beating down on Hallucination Boy now. Athackkimentham heading up top as Hallucination Boy is whipped to the ropes. Dropkick into a spinebuster.
SW: Sweet move. Santa will be so proud of his boys.
MM: But only gets a two. Uber Vamp pounds away on Hallucination Boy. And there's his patented corkscrew elbow. Hallucination Boy trying to fight back, but there's a tag in to Athackkimentham. Athackkimentham stomping brutally on Hallucination Boy.
LA: HAIL SANTA!
MM: Hallucination Boy's fighting back. Surfboard Driver. That's the break he needed. Coma is fresh on the corner.
SW: He as fresh as a chick's cooch after a douche.
MM: Lovely, Scotty. Coma gets the tag. Corkscrew Trip on Athackkimentham. There's the Deadly Clutch. But Uber Vamp just broke that up. And that allows Uber Vamp to get the legal tag. Giant Body Drive by Coma. Tag in to Hallucination Boy. Uber Vamp with a belly to belly suplex.
SW: Stupid move by Coma...don't let Hallucination Boy wrestle. He sucks.
MM: And the Exploding Holy Grail's championship is in danger now. Uber Vamp with a cheap shot on Coma. Oh my, now Uber Vamp is biting Hallucination Boy's arm with those fangs while Generic Ref tries to keep Coma out.
SW: I guess there's always time for a mid-match snack when you're Uber Vamp. Tag in to Athackkimentham. They're loading up Hallucination Boy.
SW: I bet it feels like he finally got hit by that damn train.
MM: Coma makes the save at the last moment. Now Athackkimentham's got a headlock cinched in, no doubt working on Hallucination Boy's neck so either one of them can hit their devastating finishers.
SW: Remember when these rest holds were outlawed? I think there was a good reason for that.
MM: Tag in to Uber Vamp. Whip to the ropes, but Hallucination Boy takes down both men with a Torment Roll.
SW: Isn't that some kind of sushi?
MM: Schoolboy Splash. He's got Uber Vamp pinned, but only gets a two. He really needs to make a save.
SW: Maybe he's been beaten so badly he forgot Coma is out here.
MM: Abdonimal Headbutt. Tag to Coma. Schoolboy Slam on Uber Vamp. Inverted Fist takes Athackkimentham down.
SW: Inverted Fist? WTF?
MM: Now they've got Uber Vamp down. It's the Irish Guillotine. What a combo by the Exploding Holy Grail.
SW: What's Coma looking at?
MM: Isn't that, Flatline? Why is he stumbling out here?
[Flatline tries to drink from a plastic cup of beer, but he smashes the beer into his forehead by accident.]
MM: Oh no, don't tell me that Flatline's developed a drinking problem.
SW: Holy crap, do I need to get the hell out of this company.
MM: Coma and Flatline used to be a tag team, but Flatline, we haven't seen him in years.
SW: Wasn't he just on the last SMC?
MM: Well, yeah. But before that, we hadn't seen him in years. Why is he out here?
SW: I don't know, but I do know Athackkimentham just grabbed Hallucination Boy and hit the Santanic Slaughter on him! YES! NEW CHAMPS!
MM: I don't believe it. We've got new champions? Coma seems more concerned over his former Head Trauma Boys mate then the titles.
DA: You are here winners, NEW and Good Not To Enough Tag Alone Fight Team Champions, Bones & Society Skull The!
MM: Well, the Skull & Bones have just ended the amazing two-year reign of Coma and Hallucination Boy tonight. Wow.
SW: It's about damn time. The heels are taking over! Woohoo!
[Fade to black.]
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Two
"Any Enemy Of Yours Is A Friend Of Mine"
[In a hallway of the Riviera Hotel, David Boblund has arrived.]
DB: Is he here?
Lock: He's in holding suite 3187. You ready?
DB: Sure. Let's stop the stereotypists.
[Lock swipes a card and the two men enter the hotel suite. Randall Mooby is tied to a chair.]
DB: You are Randall Mooby?
RM: And who the fuck are you?
DB: You're wanted on eight counts impersonating a professional wrestler. Several counts of having a potty mouth.
RM: Whoop-de-fucking-do. I don't know shit about those STWF cockmonkeys. Let me out of this fucking chair, asshole.
[Boblund pulls out a steel chair wrapped in barbed wire and blasts Randall over the skull.]
RM: Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Lock: OH HELL...DAVID ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FRICKIN' MIND?
DB: YOU WANT TO FIND THE STEREOTYPISTS, THIS IS WHAT IT'S GOING TO TAKE!
RM: (To Boblund) I guess you're the BAD COP then? Shit.
[Boblund bashes Mooby again. Mooby is bleeding like a pig.]
Lock: Killing a jobber?
DB: Oh, you're one of those liberal touchy-feely people? You afraid to get a little blood on your hands?
Lock: I was more concerned about my shirt. My wife just bought this for me. We took out a loan...
DB: (Ignoring Lock) I'm gonna need a weed whacker.
RM: I told you I don't know anything about any fucking STWF fuckers. All I do is get my ass kicked, and occasionally flip some fucking burgers at a fast-food place.
DB: I think I'll torture you for a while now. Not because you have information, because obviously you don't. But torturing jobbers amuses me.
[Boblund flips on a radio. Los Lobos' version of "La Bamba" is playing. Boblund goes into the bathroom, singing along to "La Bamba" as he rips down a fluorescent light bulb and comes back to Mooby. He sits down on the corner of the bed.]
DB: Por ti seré por ti seré.
RM: All right! Stop! I've seen that movie. I don't want to lose an ear.
DB: Now...who is going to disrupt the main event tonight?
RM: All right. I'll tell you...It's--
[Back to the ballroom.]
Voice-over: r u rede.
[The Fingerbang XXX theme song begins playing.]
SW: Why couldn't we have gotten this match out of the way first? Damn Quarantino.
[Backstage, the camera has a close-up of a mysterious briefcase. We pan up to see it is none other than BOB's latest signings THE PENETRATOR and Golden Glove of EFOW. They are at Michelle's hotel door. Pigeon is standing behind her.]
Michelle: So, your gimmick is that you're misogynistic assholes with erections?
Golden Glove: And amateur gynecologists!
Pigeon: Who hired these mental defectives?
Michelle: I don't think I did.
THE PENETRATOR: Maybe THIS will change your mind.
[He holds up Mister Briefcase. Michelle stares at the briefcase. There is suddenly a bright flash of lightning behind them and a loud crackle of thunder. Everybody looks around, a bit surprised.]
Pigeon: Unmistakably, Mister Briefcase wields copious dynamism, Michelle.
Michelle: ...Ohhh...yeah. *Sigh* Fine. You two can wrestle. It seems that Gerald and Patrick are missing anyway.
[Back to the Ballroom. XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid are in the ring, awaiting their opponents.]
DA: Following the tupsy-turvyness is the match! XXX must Fingerbang all four face teams gauntlet in this, they whether lose win or. First introducing. At a weight of combined pounds 847, Machine and Snapmare XXXtreme Kid, XXX Fingerbang!
XM: dud ur su,m kynda f7ken reeturd!!
MM: Which team will they have to face first?
SW: Yeah, which team will they have to fingerbang first?
MM: That's not one of the stipulations.
SW: According to Dyslexic Avenger it is.
["Better Days" by Tadpole plays.]
DA: Introducing team number first one! Combined at a weight of 504 pounds are they to accompanied by the Esquire Yob Dustbuster...Skeeter Skeet John Steve and Leary, Icons Distorted the!
MM: Thattaboy, Dyslexic Avenger.
[Dyslexic Avenger gives Mike a thumbs, well, down.]
MM: And we're ready to start Tag Team Topsy-Turvyness. XXXtreme Machine and Leary are gonna start this match off. Leary with a waistlock.
XM: hy let go u fagit!!!
MM: Oh, and XXXtreme Machine with an elbow to Leary's face. There's a tag to SMK. Double snapmare.
SW: Seriously, SMK needs a new move. It's been four years!
MM: XXXtreme Machine is back in. There's an elbow drop. Whip to the corner, but Leary moves and XXXtreme Machine crashes into the turnbuckles. Clothesline by Leary. And here comes Skeeter. And there's the dreaded double back rake.
SW: Hey, Dusty! I got you a present. Come here.
MM: Tag in to Leary. They pick him up and there's a double snake eyes.
DBE: What is it?
SW: Open it up. I know you've been down since, you know...Axl Van Halen smashed Oprah to pieces. But maybe this will lift your spirits.
MM: The Icons are working hard on XXXtreme Machine's back here.
SW: Yeah, he's your retard in peril.
DBE: Oh, screw you, Scotty!
DBE: A dustpan?
SW: You know what they say. Once you got dustpan, you never go back! BWAHAHAHA!
DBE: That's it. I'm not sitting next to you at the barbecue this year!
SW: Aww, cut my heart out and feed it to pigs and then chop up the pigs and burn them and then take a dump on the ashes, why don't you? He needs a new gimmick Monroe. He doesn't carry around a dustbuster anymore. He could change his name to Dustpan Boy, Esquire.
Crowd: DUSTPAN BOY! DUSTPAN BOY! DUSTPAN BOY!
MM: XXXtreme Machine finally makes the tag. SMK is in like a house of snapmares. There goes Leary. There goes Skeeter. There goes Generic Ref. There goes XXXtreme Machine? He's snapmaring everything in sight.
SW: He's trying to snapmare the top turnbuckle? Great.
MM: Hold on. XXXtreme Machine just grabbed his pry bar from under the ring, and Generic Ref is still down from the effects of that snapmare. XXXtreme Machine just blasted both Icons. They're gonna steal this one. SMK with the cover. One. Two. Three. Fingerbang XXX has won the first match. But they've got three more teams to go.
SW: Just think about it, Dusty!
DBE: Shove it, Scotty!
DA: Team introducing number two! Representing California, Lookout! At weight combined a of blank...CM Carjack and JD Sukwar, Z-Lay!
Voiceover: Hey Carjack, why don't you put that big ol' 12-inch on my turntable?
["Thumpin in Da Howse" plays. But neither MC Carjack or DJ Rawkus come down the aisle.]
SW: Where are those two wiggers?
MM: Hold on. I understand something is going on in the back.
[Backstage, DJ Rawkus and MC Carjack are sitting in plush chairs in the lounge of the Riviera Hotel, watching "The Simpsons" on a big screen TV.]
DJ: Springfield, HO! Ho, ho!
MC: Yo, DJ. Ain't we be forgettin' sumthin' doggizzle? I think it be time for our matchizzle.
DJ: Why you be thinkin' that, foo'?
MC: Well, Kamordizzle Kiddizzle is out here taping us all of a sudden.
[Both guys look at Kamkorder Kid.]
MC: Yo, that true, homeplanet?
MC: Yo, DJ, you feel like sporizzle entertainizzling tonizzle?
DJ: Noizzle, doggizzle. I'm too comfy, devil.
MC: Yeah...I gots my slouch on.
DJ: Yo, we still get paid. Guarantizzled contractizzles!
MC: Nah, I'm too lazy to move.
DJ: You know how we don't! Ya hear?
MC: I dig itizzle!
DJ: I gots 99 problems, but being lazy ain't one.
[Back to the ballroom.]
MM: Well fans, apparently since DJ and MC both have guaranteed contracts, they're pulling out the old World Championship Wrestling excuse to avoid working tonight. We haven't seen that since the dying days of WCW.
SW: You know, Monroe, I REALLY can't complain in this case since it spares us the chore of watching them try to wrestle. I highly doubt anybody bought this to see them.
MM: Good point. Well, I guess XXXtreme Machine and Snapmare Kid are now 2-0. Who would've guessed that as they go into their third match.
SW: I think Dubya was figuring this would be a little tougher on Fingerbang XXX.
MM: Yeah, well, Dubya is borderline retarded.
DA: Number introducing team three! At weight combined a soemthing of! PENETRATOR Glove and THE Golden, WOFE!
["I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays. Out come the EFOW boys, dressed in red rubber suites.]
SW: Mike, why don't you tell the viewers what EFOW stands for.
MM: I think that's something you'd probably be a better fit for.
SW: Aww, c'mon. It's not really that dirty of a word now, is it? It rhymes with elections...
MM: I'll just stick to calling them the EFOW, thanks.
SW: Erections Floating In Water. I want to know what the mysterious power of the briefcase is.
MM: Golden Glove runs right into a snapmare from SMK. But Golden Glove with a kick to SMK's face. And there's an inverted atomic drop. No doubt softening up Fingerbang XXX for their finisher.
SW: Yeah, because shots to the balls aren't effective enough on their own...brother.
MM: Tag into THE PENETRATOR. They lift up SMK and drop him crotch first on the top rope. And now PENETRATOR is shaking the top rope up and down. Oh my.
SW: And you could hear the gasp from all the men in the audience after that one. How about this crotch-based offensive by EFOW?
MM: It's making me cringe, as well. Leg drop by PENETRATOR, and that one hit below the belt line.
SW: Yeah, right around the zipper line.
MM: Oh, SMK fights back and gets a snapmare. Can SMK make the tag?
SW: Can he make the cold tag?
MM: There it is. XXXtreme Machine is in. He punches PENETRATOR. He punches Golden Glove. Uh oh. It looks like XXXtreme is setting up PENETRATOR for the XXXtreme Stunnner. No. PENETRATOR just crotched XXXtreme Machine on the top rope this time. PENETRATOR drags XXXtreme into the ring. Low Blow of Death connects. This one's all over. One. Two. Three.
SW: Man, Fingerbang XXX is gonna be leaving this match with their balls in their throat.
MM: Impressive first outing by EFOW. But Fingerbang XXX is still not done.
DA: The team fourth and final gauntlet in this! Combined weight at a pounds 404! Ken Mano and Kamikazie Mano, Luchadores the Hardcore!
MM: This should be a massacre.
SW: I hope so. I'm so sick of Fingerbang XXX's wacky antics.
MM: Mano's in first. Nice hiptoss suicida by Mano. And XXXtreme Machine just crashed into the guardrail. Ken gets the tag and runs to the ropes. Oh my, Mano just press slammed Ken down to the floor onto XXXtreme Machine.
MM: And the Flimsy Guardrail just snapped under the weight. Oh my. What is Snapmare Kid doing?
SW: He's getting a table? What's he gonna do? Snapmare it? Hey! Look! That table is wrapped in fireworks!
MM: Indeed it is. Oh, this can't be good for...anybody. That is way too close to us for my liking. What's that?
SW: Britney's umbrella. It's better than nothing if things start blowing up and it starts raining Kamikazie Ken everywhere.
MM: Both men struggle back to the ring. XXXtreme's back is a bloody mess.
SW: Damn, it looks like he's got a vagina on his back. A bloody vagina.
MM: Scotty...while that may be accurate, there could be children watching.
SW: Fuck the children. That's right, I said it. FUCK the children. But not in a pedophile sort of way, because that'd be wrong.
MM: XXXtreme Machine manages to get the tag to SMK. Oh, Ken blocks the snapmare.
SW: Holy crap, what was that. A reverse somersault belly to back suplex? I've never seen Ken use that move. Or anybody, because, I don't know, the threat of being in a wheelchair the rest of your life.
MM: it was very impressive...
SW: But stupid.
MM: XXXtreme Machine in and there's a double snapmare.
XM: smk!!!!! (XXXtreme Machine looks around) lite teh fukin tabl!!!
MM: SMK just got told to light the table, I think. Always hard to tell with him.
SW: This show is SO getting shut down after this. Not that I'm complaining. Wait, I still get paid if we get shut down, right?
MM: Oh boy. I'm getting under the desk. Fans, we're going to have to let the camera catch whatever happens. Because I'm not risking any of my bodyparts out here. They don't pay me enough.
SW: EVERYBODY, DUCK AND COVER DRILL!
Fan: Awww, but I want to see somebody blow up!
[Everybody starts going for cover underneath their folding chairs. The camera slowly starts slumping down until it is shooting the floor. Scotty and Mike go silent...then...]
[There is some applause and shouts of "holy crap."]
SW: Do you smell bacon?
MM: Think it's clear?
SW: Yeah. But just to be safe, go see.
MM: Well fans...it looks like...oh no. Both XXXtreme Machine and Kamikazie Ken are bloody burnt messes. Apparently both men took the plunge into the fireworks table.
[The camera returns to normal.]
MM: Guys, can we get a replay of that amazing, one-of-a-kind bump that we'll probably never again see in the history of our sport?
[A replay of the floor is shown.]
SW: Oh, son of a BITCH! The camera ducked and covered?
MM: Well, there's some nice audio of the impact. I guess the fans will just have to use their imagination. Meanwhile, SMK is yelling down to see if SMK is all right. Insano Mano with a tilt-a-whirl sunset flip. One. Two. Three. Mano and Ken have won this explosive contest.
SW: Well, look on the bright side. XXXtreme Machine might be seriously hurt and we won't have to see him for several months.
MM: I hope you're right, Scotty.
SW: I hope I'm right, too. Why am I suddenly in the mood for mesquite?
[Fade to black.]
Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Five
"The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round"
[David Boblund is leading a new team of generic extras to Alan Qaida's hideout (and likely their death). The hotel pool. Inside the pool area, Alan Qaida is floating in the middle of the water, just relaxing. The CPU agents charged inside, steel chairs drawn.]
DB: Get out of the pool, NOW!
[Qaida swims over peacefully. Two of the agents move toward Qaida and suddenly trip. A beeping sound is heard.]
DB: Damn it, I don't have time for beeping noises right now.
[Boblund pulls out his cell phone and makes a call.]
DB: Lock, it's me. We tried to apprehend Alan Qaida, but now there are mysterious beeping noises.
Lock: Beeping noises? Let me update the database. I'll get back to you in forty minutes.
DB: Damn it, Lock, I don't have forty minutes! This beeping noise is really annoying. Hold on...what are those...Lock...we've got a...
[The camera pans over a couple of feet to a waffle wrapped in wires and fitted with an alarm clock.]
DB: WAFFLE BOMB!
[Boblund throws Qaida through a glass window and then dives through, landing on top of Qaida and the glass. The alarm clock begins beeping, but there is no sound of an explosion. After several seconds, Boblund gets up. All the CPU agents are dead!]
DB: DAMN IT!!!
Lock: David, are you there?
DB: Yeah, Lock, I'm here. The waffle bomb took out everybody. There's syrup and waffle bits everywhere. Oh, and several dead extras, but it's okay, none of them have any importance to the plot.
Lock: That's great, David. You've gone through our entire extra budget in less than half of the show. They were supposed to last the entire three hours.
DB: Damn it, Lock, let me do my job! At least get me a black agent who will probably get shot every time he goes out on a mission with me.
Lock: I'll see what I can do.
[We’re outside of the Riviera. The camera pans to a multicolored bus. This is not to say there’s a group of African Americans on it. To be more specific, it’s painted several different colors. Yes, it’s the bus famously known to have belonged to the Partridge Family. The only difference from the original version is that four posts have been welded to the top of it and ring ropes attached.]
SW: You gotta be shittin’ me…
MM: Well, I heard BigBOSS got this thing cheap.
SW: That figures.
MS: IT’LL BE THE GREATEST MOVING BUS MATCH EVER!
SW: WHAT? Mark Shill? Where’d you come from? I thought Heidi was going to help with commentary because stupid Dyslexic Avenger was doing announcing.
MM: She’ll be here too, Scotty.
SW: Will she be naked? WHOO HOO!
MS: IT’LL BE FRONTAL NUDITY AT ITS FINEST, FANS!
SW: Can’t say I can argue with that!
MM: Guys? Please. And Mark, I’m guessing you’re only here for this one. Then it’s back to whatever you’ve been doing since you got fired. What was that, by the way?
MS: No comment.
SW: BWAA HAAA HAA!
SW: I heard you got a job plucking the ass crack hairs out of fat women’s hairy ass cracks. Is that true?
MS: I said no comment.
SW: IT IS TRUE! You’re an ass crack hair pluck technician!
MS: I never really liked you…
MM: [making a "T" with his hands] Time out, guys. Here comes The Dyslexic Avenger. It’s finally here! Plants vs. douja! The Sinister Surgeon vs. Smoke Doggy Dogg! The Smooth Operator vs. The Stoned Shooter! SMP vs. The lowercase ‘d’! The Titty Butcher vs. The Bong Goblin! The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today vs. The Dirtiest Mouth in Wrestling Ever!
SW: These guys could have a battle royal with their nicknames, haven’t heard that Bong Goblin one, though…
MM: IT’D BE THE GREATEST GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL IN THE HISTORY OF GIMMICK BATTLE ROYALS!
SW: Yep, you’ve still got it, Mark.
DA: And ladies gentlemen. Moving is this Match Bus the! Introducing…
MM: This is going to be interesting. I heard there was a lot of discussion and bickering in the locker room about who was going to be announced first, both these guys feel like they deserve to come out second.
MS: I thought heels always came out first.
MM: That’s old school thinking, and besides… I don’t know who the designated heel is in this one.
DA: The Guest Enforcer Special Driver Bus!
SW: Who’s that? Danny Bonaduce?
MM: I hope not! That guy is NOT stable. Have you seen that show of his?
MS: How unstable IS he? He wouldn’t flip out and attack Plants and douja, will he?
SW: Only if he’s horny and they’re in drag…
DA: Bumbledink, from Texas!
[The sound of stuff breaking is heard. HUGE POP from the curious people that has gathered around outside. Luke Warm walks out chugging a Luke-Hoo and wearing a shirt that reads "Arrive. Drive Bus. STONECUTTER! Leave." He quickly climbs on top of the bus and begins mounting corners. He taps a couple of bottles of Luke-Hoo and douses spectators. He then climbs down and approaches the commentating team. No, he turns and grabs the mic from Dyslexic Avenger.]
LW: I got something to say before I drive this damn bus.
MM: Apparently some of these people have watched BOB.
SW: Or WWE. Losers!
LW: Hardcore JJ! Get your tiny little ass out here!
[Sound of cookie jars breaking. Hardcore JJ slowly walks out, his head down and pouty lipped, like he’s getting ready to be forced to stand in a corner or something.]
LW: You stole my thunder at SMC 41. I want you to know I didn’t appreciate that none too much.
LW: What are you supposed to be anyway? A tiny Luke Warm?
LW: A childlike Luke Warm?
LW: A preschool Luke Warm?
LW: A daycare Luke Warm?
LW: A Romper Room Luke Warm?
LW: A little, tiny, baby Luke Warm?
LW: A Mini-Me Luke Warm?
LW: A Luke Warm toddler?
LW: A half pint of Luke-Hoo drinking Luke Warm?
LW: Luke Warm sent through a "Honey, I Shrunk Luke Warm" machine?
LW: Come here you little sumbitch…
MM: STONECUTTER! LUKE WARM WITH A STONECUTTER ON HARDCORE JJ!
SW: He’s turned heel? WHOO HOO!
MM: No, Scotty.
MS: You took my STONECUTTER line!
MS: IT WAS THE GREATEST, BORDERLINE CHILD ABUSE, STONECUTTER EVER!
SW: Mark’s on autopilot, baby!
MM: Hardcore JJ looks like he’s been run over by the bus!
MS: HE’S TWITCHING AND EVERYTHING!
MM: Generic Ref has made his way into the bus. It’s time, fellas.
DA: Florida, Naples from. 240 and in weighing 6 foot 2 standing at, the STWF reigning Replica Champion InterGalactic, "Operator the Smooth", Plants Doctor M Silaconne!
["Smooth Operator" by Sade plays. Dr. Plants walks out wearing his "Suck My Scalpel", black leather overcoat, his title draped over his right shoulder. He glares at Luke then enters the bus.]
DA: Now and! Parts Forgotten from. 2 inch foot 6 pounds in weighing 245, Shooter Stoned The, reigning and Legend the Champion BOB, is douja this!
SW: Is douja what? D.A. SUCKS as an announcer.
MM: I think he meant "this is douja"…
SW: I don’t get paid to decipher imbecile.
MM: You don’t get paid.
SW: Don’t remind me. Where’s Heidi?
MS: douja breaks into a sprint before "How High" by Method Man and Redman can start playing! He’s on the bus and Plants meets him with an overhand right! douja fires back with a shot to SMP’s ribs! Plants with a chop! douja retaliates with an uppercut! IT’S ON! Generic Ref is letting them go at it!
MM: douja still has his BOB Legend Title and brains Plants with it! Dr. Plants bumps in the aisle as Luke tries to start the bus…
SW: Does he even have a license? He’s going to end up killing all three of them.
MS: THE BUS IS STARTED! IT WAS THE GREATEST CRANKING EVER!
SW: Holy shit, Mark. Heh, I said shit mark.
MM: Luke has been instructed to drive around the parking lot, since there’s plenty of room and so we can see the action. He starts turning to the right and looks like he’s going to drive clockwise around us.
SW: Do these chairs swivel?
MS: douja has Plants still in the aisle and is choking him out with his foot. Picks him up now, HARD RIGHT HAND! ANOTHER! Goes for a third, Plants blocks it and thumbs douja in the eye. Generic Ref is treating this one like it’s "Anyfang Goes".
SW: HA! You actually watched that "Heroes of Burke County" shit?
MM: SMP now grabs douja by the hair and RAMS him into the seats! Oh, this is brutal!
SW: Aren’t those seats padded?
MM: The frame isn’t! SMP bounces douja’s head off the frame! Again!
SW: But I bet douja didn’t feel it because he’s torn OUT of the frame. But I hope he still juices!
MS: Plants trying to set up for a suplex in the aisle, blocked by the BOB Legend Champion!
LW: HEY! SIT DOWN BACK THERE! I’M DRIVING HERE!
MM: Luke doesn’t grasp the concept, huh?
SW: Both guys now fighting and crawling over the seats, clawing at each other! They hate each other! WHOO HOO! I WANT TO SEE SOME BLOOD!
MM: SMP has removed his necktie and is now choking douja with it!
GR: I’LL ALLOW IT!
MM: douja slumps into the seats and SMP with mounted punches. Now what? The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today is trying to open the emergency exit leading to the roof!
LW: [singing] On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…
MS: douja stops The Doc from getting to the roof. CHOP!
MM: Plants staggers back, now he lunges, douja with a backdrop! OH MY! SMP’s feet hit the top of the bus and he just Mickie Jamesed himself on the floor!
MS: HE MIGHT HAVE A BROKEN NECK!
LW: [singing] East bound and down, load ‘em up and truckin’. We’re gonna do what they say can’t be done…
MM: Smoke Doggie Dogg now has The Sinister Surgeon up and HARD! Right into a passenger window! The glass breaks and Plants crumbled into Approved Blading Position ®!
MS: DOUJA GOES THROUGH THE EXIT! HE’S ON THE ROOF!
MM: SMP is up now and is following him up there, and he’s a crimson MESS…
SW: And WOW! Plants really cut deep! Obviously he’s recently read "Tangled Ropes", the Superstar Billy Graham autobiography and is going for babyface sympathy blood! BOO!
MM: You’re actually booing SMP and the fact that he gigged?
SW: I’m booing babyface juice, but I’m cheering for juice in general.
LW: [singing] Indagaddadavida, baby, don’t you know that I love you? Indagaddblahhibba, honey… don’t you know that I’ll always be true? BUH BUH, BAH BAH BAH BAH, BUH.. BUH.. BUH.. BUH…
MS: SMP crawls through the exit where douja was waiting to stomp him on the head. douja now has the exit door!
MS: RAMS IT ON TOP OF SMP’S HEAD!
MM: The Smooth Operator looks like he’s past his prime, maybe bringing him back wasn’t a good idea.
MS: douja is now celebrating on the roof. I think the King of BOB is about to take SMP’s replica STWF InterGalactic title as well!
SW: douja has procured a large blunt! He’s definitely celebrating!
MM: Plants has now struggled to roof, douja is taunting him! Generic Ref is also up there now.
douja: get ur ass up you cracka ass cracka! i’m ‘bout to stomp ur fuckin’ ass fo sho!
MM: douja flicks his joint off the bus and grabs SMP, sending him across the roof into the ropes now, rebound, Plants ducks the clothesline! Heartbreak Kid like flying forearm!
SW: Looked more like a sloppy Jonni Roxville flying forearm…
MS: A what?
MM: SMP is going to try and end it! Setting up for a Nipple Cutter… shoved away by douja! Foot to the gut, Chronic Neck Pain coming up, NO! Backdrop by Plants and douja bounces off the roof! Luke hits a hard right turn and both men now sliding off! They grab the ropes and hold on…
MS: Both men staggering to their feet, DDT by The Smooth Operator! Dr. Plants is going to the corner!
MM: He’s not known as a high flyer…
MS: Another turn by Luke and Plants takes a header off the turnbuckle! douja now sizing him up! Going for that Chronic Neck Pain again….
MM: SMP trips up douja! Turns him! It’s a Riviera Crab! douja could tap right here!
LW: [singing] I think I love you, so what are you so afraid of?
SW: Luke is getting into the Partridge spirit, huh?
MM: I liked the Iron Butterfly, myself.
MS: Another turn and they slide into the ropes again! Generic Ref trying to separate them…
MM: douja caught a break there. He looked like he was going give up.
SW: What? SMP would have to KILL douja to make him submit away his BOB Legend Title.
MS: Can The Doc even see? He’s definitely got Dusty color! HE’S BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG! HE’S POSSIBLY LOST A GALLON OF BLOOD!
MM: SMP is staggering around, douja has him… SCOOP POWERSLAM! This could do it! ONE…. TWO…. NO! Plants barely got a shoulder up!
MS: douja picks up Plants again, going for the Chronic Neck Pain, WAIT! SMP Hooks his arms, turns him! BACKSLIDE! ONE…TWO…. HE ALMOST GOT HIM!
SW: Hope spot…
MM: douja rakes the eyes, he’s getting desperate now. Irish whip! Bends for yet ANOTHER back body drop! SMP puts on the brakes! Scoops him up! He has him in position for the Scalpel’s Edge!
MS: LUKE TURNS AGAIN! Plants lost his balance and both men crash into the turnbuckles!
SW: Guess that skateboarding riding and surfboarding SMP did, didn’t help. Huh?
MM: This one looks like it could go on all night! douja is waiting for SMP to get up, douja now sends himself into the ropes, Plants drops to the roof, douja over the top, off the opposite ropes, shoulder block into Plants whose back on his feet and SMP recoils into the Generic Ref for the obligatory generic ref bump. Guess it’s not going to last all night after all.
MS: THE REFEREE IS DOWN™!
SW: Right! Ref bump = finish!
MM: douja snatches up a very bloody SMP, THERE IT IS! CHRONIC NECK PAIN! The cover! But the ref is down!
MS: If the official was up, he could count to seven by now©! douja is smacking the roof, one, two, three, four…. five.
MM: douja is going over to get the Generic Ref up to his feet, you know what this means?
SW: G.R. wouldn’t have made it seven by now?
MM: Generic Ref stumbles to his feet, SMP struggling to his feet… douja turns around. NIPPLE CUTTER!
MS: douja’s face slammed right onto the trap door emergency exit hatch!
SW: He may have Steinered himself! WHOO HOO!
MM: That was his back, wasn’t it? Not his face…
MS: Plants is crawling over to douja! Generic Ref is THERE! THE COVER!
ONE…. TWO…. THREE!
MM: NO! The bus has come to a stop just before the count! Generic Ref is now waving it off!
SW: What the hell?
[Luke comes trudging off the bus..]
LW: Damn thing ran out of gas…
GR: We can’t have a Moving Bus Match without a moving bus. I declare a DRAW! A DRAW!
MS: IT’S THE GREATEST NO DECISION IN WRESTLING HISTORY!
SW: It’s the MOST LAME finish in wrestling history… and to say that regarding a BOB finish is saying something.
MM: It looks like SMP is still the STWF Replica InterGalactic Champion and douja will retain his BOB LEGEND TITLE. Until the Rickety Easel Match, that is.
DA: Official the decision! DRAW! A IT’S DRAW!
SW: Oh my god, this sucks…
[Luke doesn’t look happy, he walks up to the announce team and gives Mark Shill a STONECUTTER!]
MM: Well, we got the crowd back, at least…
SW: You know what? This match lasted a lot longer while it was being typed. The proofread session seemed like it took about 2 minutes.
MM: Scotty? Come on, man…
SW: What? It’s true! And where was Heidi? I needed my gratuitous staring at nurse tits fix tonight.
MM: I don’t know, but this thing between Dr. Silaconne M. Plants and douja is far from over. This feud will possibly never die.
SW: I don’t care! I wanted to stare at nurse tits! NURSE TITS!
MM: Calm down, Scotty… we’ve got more action to call. Let’s go back inside.
SW: Are nurse tits in there?
MM: No. But there is some more hot Living in Sin action!
SW: But no nurse tits? *sigh*
MM: Plants and douja have both made their way from on top of the bus. douja is trying to shake the cobwebs, SMP is trying to keep himself from bleeding to death.
SW: Maybe a tourniquet around his neck would work…
MM: They retrieve their respective titles and stare at each other. SMP is using his thumb and finger to indicate to douja he was "this close" to beating him… and douja now rubbing his forehead, indicating to Plants that he won’t need about 50 stitches later tonight. This feud is hot as ever…
SW: Not as hot as Hot Asian Chicks. I wonder if EFOW finds any if they can pass me some seconds…
MM: That’s gross, Scotty.
SW: HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! IT’S AXL VAN FAGEN!
MM: Scotty! Hey wait! It IS Axl, and he just clobbered SMP with what a brand new, albeit pink and very gay looking, Les Paul guitar! Just as The Smooth Operator opened the door to go back inside, Axl dry-gulched him and Plants dropped like he was shot with an elephant gun!
SW: Great heel stuff! But I still can’t cheer for him because I really think he’ll suck a dick.
MM: Scotty, please?! Hold on, Axl has SMP and is holding him for an open shot by douja! Douja’s contemplating it…
[Couldn’t you have thought of any other adjective other than WHAM! Considering the fact that Axl Van Halen is out there?]
MM: douja just whacked Axl right in the face with his BOB LEGEND TITLE! AND NOW HE’S HELPING SMP TO HIS FEET?
SW: WHAT THE HELL?
MM: Exactly! douja and SMP hate each other, but they respect each other. And neither one of them like Axl Van Halen, so there you go. douja would rather pass up an opportunity to cripple Dr. Plants than get aid from Axl.
SW: Yeah… he’ll get AIDS from Axl, alright!
MM: Let’s go back inside and finish the night…
SW: Yeah, before Axl starts bleeding and gives everybody the HIV.
[Fade to black.]
Caption: Tentin Quarantino Presents: Chapter Nine
"Ashes To Ashtrays, Dustbusters To Dustpans"
[Dustbuster Boy, Esq. walks into the black screen shot and reads the caption.]
DBE: Screw you, Quarantino!
[David and Jenn-Erik Boblund entered CPU headquarters.]
DB: Thank goodness this whole ordeal is over.
JEB: I know. I've got a massage in a half-hour at We're Gonna Kidnap You, You Dumb Blonde Bitch.
DB: That's fine. Let's just go give our reports to Lock. Then you can be on your way.
[At the far end of the headquarters, a masked man was talking to Dustbuster Boy.]
Masked Man: You have done well.
*CHAIRSHOT OF DEATH*
[The Masked Man sees David and runs. David starts chasing, but runs into Mully, whose face is covered in white powder. Boblund looks around and notices that every member of CPU has been blinded with white powder and is stumbling around blindly.]
DB: My god...they've taken out CPU...the main event is screwed! MULLY! WHAT HAPPENED?
[A microwave dings. David slowly walks over to the microwave. He rips the door open and inside finds a waffle. From behind, he is hit in the head with a bottle of syrup. Somebody grabs Jenn-Erik and chloroforms her.]
Rob Van Spam: Doods. Help me with this torturing dood. It's time he got a dose of his own medicine.
[Alan Qaida goes to help him.]
Randall Mooby: No way, dude. I'm taking Blondie McTitties.
[Back to the BOB Ballroom.]
MM: Oh no. What are they going to do to David Boblund?
SW: Who cares? I want to see video of whatever Randall does with Jenn-Erik! Woohoo!
MM: But, Scotty. This means we're defeneless. The STWF has successfully dismantled CPU. That means the STWF can do whatever they want now.
SW: So, Dustbuster Boy was working for the STWF?
MM: It's probably your fault for tormenting him about Oprah.
SW: It's a DUSTBUSTER.
["My Michelle" by Guns 'N' Roses plays. Out comes the lovely Michelle BOSS in a black latex dress. She takes the microphone and Dyslexic Avenger leaves the ring.]
MV: To stop the blatant interference that accompanies all major BOB On-Demand events, during the main event for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, the following four people will be lovecuffed to the four ring posts. Mr. Paradox. Queen Mylisiv. Dr. Thrilla. And...me.
[The crowd cheers at the thought of her being handcuffed, I guess?]
SW: Lovecuffs? She must've gotten those in the divorce from Trey.
MV: I want us to not have a controversial finish and decide an OWCTM fair and square.
SW: Did she forget what company she's running?
MM: It seems so, Scotty.
MV: Oh, and I forgot to mention, if those three people don't come down here and agree to this stipulation, not only will Pigeon be declared the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS right now, but Queen Mylisiv will be stripped--
MV: Of her title.
MV: And Mr. Paradox will never get another shot at any title, nor will Dr. Thrilla, nor will Sir Zeno!
MV: Oh, boo yourselves shitheads. I'm running this show. You don't like it, you can leave. And remember, there are no refunds!
[Mr. Paradox, Queen Mylisiv and Dr. Thrilla walk down the aisle.]
MV: C'mon, guys. Let's do this already.
["Narayan" by Prodigy begins playing as Paradox, Mylisiv and Thrilla take their pink lovecuffs.]
MV: And script writer, it's Michelle! Not MV! I got divorced!
M: That's better. Introducing first. From Dimension Z. Weighing in at 240 pounds. Sir Zeno!
[Zeno comes down to big cheers from the crowd.]
MM: This, is what it's all come down to. It's all come down to this.
DA: What it's is this down come all!
MM: The ONLY WORLD TITLE IS ON THE LINE.
SW: Mike, you forgot to shut off the caps button.
MM: OOPS. Right. There we go.
SW: Any sign of the STWF?
MM: I don't see anybody in all black outfits.
["Come Out And Play" by Offspring plays.]
M: And his opponent. From Sin City!
M: You're booing a cheap pop? *Sigh* Pigeon.
[Pigeon comes out to mostly indifference and a few boos from the crowd.]
MM: And what a reaction for Pigeon.
SW: That's the same reaction you got when you got introduced before the show. I still got the biggest pop of the night, though.
MM: And Michelle is lovecuffing herself to the fourth ring post.
SW: You know, if anybody came out now, all of Zeno's backups are cuffed and couldn't help. I smell a plot development.
MM: You think Pigeon has friends?
SW: No. But I think Michelle probably forced somebody to come out here and make sure that Pigeon wins under threat of jobbing to XXXtreme Machine.
Pigeon: Tonight, you might as well call me Carrier Pigeon, because I have been burdened with the task of carrying this talentless hack called Sir Zeno to a decent main event match. Zeno, today is the day you must accept the fact that some days you are the Pigeon, and some days, you are the statue. And he said, LORD God, whereby shall I know that I shall inherit it? And he said unto him, Take me an heifer of three years old, and a she goat of three years old, and a ram of three years old, and a turtledove, and a young pigeon. What about me...what about Pigeon!
SW: Sounds like Pigeon is about to go Biblical on Zeno's ass.
Dr. Thrilla: *Angry metal clanging*
SW: I'll be right back, I just can't resist this...
MM: Scotty, what are you?
M: BWAHAHAHAHA! I'MGONNABWAHAHAHAKILLYOUBWAHAHAHASCOTTYBWAHAHAHAHA!
MM: Scotty is tickling our boss. He's in so much trouble. Oh, and as Pigeon tried to get Scotty, Zeno jumped Pigeon. Our Living In Sin main event is underway. One of these men will be the next ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
SW: Oh, that was great.
MM: You know she's gonna get you, right?
SW: Whatever. If I get smashed through a table, it was worth it. She's so damn fuckable.
MM: Pigeon just dumped Zeno on the top rope. And there's a knee lift. But Zeno is fighting right back with punches and chops and kicks. Zeno with a wicked powerslam. One, two, but Pigeon kicks out. Zeno heading up top. Frogsplash connects. One. Two. No.
SW: Look out. Pigeon just rolled out our way. Michelle's yelling at Pigeon to get up and win. Man, they haven't even started dating yet and she's treating him this bad?
MM: Suicide dive by Zeno and Pigeon crashes into the Flimsy Guardrail™. And Michelle is yelling at Pigeon to get up. Zeno with an icy cold stare just shut Michelle up.
SW: Thank you.
MM: Zeno tosses Pigeon back inside, but Pigeon catches him with an elbow drop. Make that several elbow drops.
SW: Make that several SLOPPY elbow drops. Ooh, there's a sloppy clothesline. Hey, there's a REALLY sloppy sleeperhold.
MM: Zeno breaks free with a jawbreaker.
SW: Does it feel like we're just killing time until the STWF attacks?
MM: No. Of course not. This is a great main event.
MM: Sin City legsweep. Cover, but that only gets a two. The crowd is cheering Zeno on to make a comeback. Low blow by Zeno halts Pigeon's momentum. Zeno's about to hit a powerbomb. What just happened?
SW: I think Pigeon countered with a fart. Moveset courtesy of Stinkbutt Nastyass.
MM: Hey, it worked. And now Pigeon is setting up a table on the floor, and the crowd loves that. But Zeno's out...
MM: Oh, what a chair shot. Pigeon just crawled under the ring. Zeno's looking for him. Oh, Pigeon just hit him with...oh no!
SW: Did he just smash him in the face with a dookie?
MM: I think he did.
SW: Holy SHIT! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Bobo Fiendish must've had to drop a load while he was waiting to interfere in the Paradox/Van Halen match.
MM: Thankfully, somebody gave him a bottle of water and a towel to wipe his, face.
SW: Wow, Bobo had some corn, I see...
MM: And now Pigeon's got a pizza cutter. Oh no, he's just ripping into Zeno's forehead.
SW: I can see the reviews tomorrow. What a shitty main event! BWAHAHAHA! That sure gives a new meaning to BROWN EYE! BWAHAHAHAHA!
MM: Both men are bleeding badly early in this one. Both guys are just pounding away on each other. Look out!
SW: Pussy. Heh, Mike ran just because Pigeon got tossed over the desk. Here, choke him with this! (Scotty hands Zeno a headset. Zeno uses it.) Nice. Now what's this? Uh oh. Death Valley Driver?
SW: YEAH! Right through the table! Haha, Pigeon, you dumb fucker! Psst, Zeno, you've got some corn in your hair.
[Zeno superkicks Scotty. Then grabs a towel and wipes his hair. After several seconds, Zeno starts pulling Zeno to the ring and Mike Monroe gets back his headset.]
MM: Am I on? Well, Zeno has just dragged a very limp Pigeon back to the ring.
SW: *Faintly* Pigeon's a Van Fagen?
MM: You OK, Scotty?
SW: *Grunt* I've been better.
MM: There's a cover. One. Two. Thr-Pigeon kicked out. Zeno with a Clothesline From Dimension Z! That's gotta be it. One. Two. No! Pigeon gets a shoulder up. Zeno's back on the offense. Belly to belly suplex. One. Two. No. Pigeon kicks out again!
MM: Zeno to the apron. Springboard leg drop connects. But again, Pigeon kicks out at two. Zeno is visibly frustrated, Scotty.
SW: Aww, I feel so bad for the guy who superkicked me. Waaah!
MM: There's a Zeno Driver. One. Two. No! Pigeon again manages to kick out. Zeno drags up a woozy Pigeon, inside cradle. One, two, but Zeno escapes. Both men are up, but Zeno's got him. It may be time for an Eternal Question.
SZ: The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is--
MM: Pigeon cuts the Eternal Question off with a Pigeon Drop. He makes the cover. One. Two. Thre-Zeno kicked out.
[The crowd cheers loudly for that.]
MM: Look at this, Scotty. Pigeon's got an extra pair of lovecuffs. Hey, wait a minute. Those are just like the ones that are holding Michelle, Paradox, Thrilla and Mylisiv to their respective posts.
SW: You have a point?
MM: He must have gotten those from Michelle. She's trying to help him win. Zeno's hands have been lovecuffed behind his back. And Pigeon's got a chair.
MM: And Zeno goes down.
MM: Zeno goes down again.
SW: Bash in his brains, Pigeon. I'm turning face, at least for the rest of this match. Zeno's such a douche. C'mon Pigeon!
SW: Yeah, again, again!
MM: Apparently Pigeon's had enough of that. He's going under the ring for another table.
SW: Wow, they really went all out with the budget, didn't they?
MM: Pigeon's got the table set up now. He grabs an extremely bloody Sir Zeno and lifts him up onto the second rope. Don't tell me, a Pigeon Drop from the top rope?
M: Break his frickin' neck!
SW: Yeah, break his frickin' neck!
MM: Zeno is roaring. My god, he just broke the cuffs. He grabs Pigeon by the throat!
MM: Chokeslam through the table. Hey, Michelle just freed herself. Zeno's got the cover.
Crowd: ONE! TWO! OHHHHH!
MM: Michelle just broke up the cover. Is she crazy? Uh-oh, Mylisiv, Thrilla and Paradox just broke free of those cheap cuffs, and now they're chasing Michelle up the aisle. Zeno makes the cover again. One. Two. Pigeon kicked out.
SW: Yes! All we need is one lucky break now.
MM: Zeno's got the chair and he's waiting for Pigeon to get up. Zeno charges. Oh no.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
MM: Zeno just got back body dropped through the table on the floor. And Pigeon collapses in the middle of the ring.
[Four men in all black gear suddenly run into the ring. Generic Ref is tossed out of the ring.]
SW: It's the STWF! They're here!
MM: And they've got wafflemakers. Pigeon is defenseless, but so is Zeno. Oh, they just rammed a wafflemaker into his midsection. And there's a shot to the skull. Pigeon is down.
SW: Why isn't anybody from our roster coming down to defend this company?
MM: Well, Michelle was chased off by Dimension Z's crew. If she's not yelling at them to do something, they're a pretty lazy bunch. Plus, most of them are probably exhausted from their matches. And some have been tortured and not really in the mood to protect this company.
SW: That's just great.
MM: Wait, here they come. It's...Steve Leary, John Skeet and Alex Smith?
SW: This is our defense? Holy shit, we're screwed.
[Sounds of stuff breaking. BIG POP!]
MM: It's Luke Warm! He's still here. Thank goodness.
SW: Wait, is he gonna come and turn on BOB?
SW: He's STWF! He's a traitor? He's gonna fuck us over, I guarantee it!
MM: You think?
SW: Well, I may have a concussion, but I'm sure!
MM: Once again, you're wrong, Scotty. The STWF is retreating. Where's Dubya?
SW: He's a commissioner, he's not a wrestler.
MM: His CPU team fell apart. This is just a disastrous end to our On-Demand event.
SW: Is it over? What about the title?
MM: I don't know. Zeno's down. Pigeon's down. I think we may not have a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Wait, look! Pigeon's getting up. He's yelling for the STWF to come and get him.
MM: Is that a remote control?
SW: Holy SHIT! It's a wafflebath!
MM: Oh fans, this is deadly serious. Hundreds of sticky waffles were just dropped down on top of Pigeon from the ceiling.
SW: I can't believe we didn't notice that giant net filled with waffles at any point during the last three hours.
MM: That is odd, isn't it? Luke Warm and some BOBsters have driven the STWF out, but they have succeeded in their mission. For Scotty Whatbody...
SW: Hold on. Zeno's up!
MM: He is? He is. Zeno's in the ring. He falls on top of the waffles. Generic Ref is back up. One. Two. Three.
SW: Are you kidding me?
DA: Your is here winner, and WORLD NEW CHAMPION ONLY MATTERS THAT, Zeno Sir!
MM: Zeno has done it. Zeno is the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Fans, we'll sort out the aftermath of this next Sunday on Chloroform. March Mayhem begins next Sunday as well. What a night. Queen Mylisiv your new T&A XX Division Champion, Skull & Bones are the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Champions, Axl Van Halen has the Swiss Army Belt and Sir Zeno, the new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
SW: He's the dookiest champion, ever.
MM: For Scotty Whatbody, this is Mike Monroe. Thanks for ordering, and don't forget to order our next big extravaganza, MAYhem In MAYday in May, but possibly in June. Exclusively right here, on BOB-On-Demand. Good night everybody.
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