Click Here For Part 1
[Backstage, repairmen have loaded Unit 5 onto a dolly and are wheeling the muddy machine toward a Sears van.]
Styles: What a sad sight this is fans. Unit 5, who earlier tonight was brutally attacked and then used as a toilet by douja is being rushed to nearest Sears repair shop, I understand.
SW: Man, douja isn't playing around. Unit 5 will never be the same again. It's just a hunk of junk now. It's not under warranty.
Styles: The warranty may be long expired, but I've got a feeling we haven't seen the last of Unit 5 in BOB.
[The repairmen slide Unit 5 into the back of the van. They quickly close up the back doors and run around to the front. One of the men puts a red siren on the top of the van and the van speeds off toward the street. We return to the ring and Michelle.]
Michelle: The following grudge match will be fought under XXXtreme Rulez!
["XXXtreme" hits. If there was such a thing as an anti-pop, this was it.]
Michelle: Introducing first. XXXtreme Machine.
NH: What is an XXXtreme Rulez match?
Styles: I'm guessing it's a no DQ, no holds barred—
SW: Filler match?
["See Nothing, Hear Nothing, Say Nothing" by Discharge blasts over the speakers.]
Michelle: And his opponent. The You Gotta Be Cidding, I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt!
SW: Cidding? What the hell is that?
Michelle: Whoops. Somebody mistyped that on my card.
NH: Must've been BigBOSS. He's always had trouble with that belt acronym.
SW: Uh oh! It's Steve Studnuts! He's escorting the hardcore belt out to the ring.
Styles: OH MY GOD! This isn't at all good for XXXtreme Machine. Studnuts charges into the ring. He blasts XXXtreme Machine in the skull, getting a huge pop from the crowd!
NH: Studnuts is looking mighty good. Maybe I should get it on with him to make Trey jealous.
SW: You could make Trey really jealous if you let me jump on top of you.
NH: Yeah, well, since I'm not lacking all five senses, I'll pass.
Styles: Studnuts lifts XXXtreme Machine up on his shoulder. DEATH VALLEY of the SUN DRIVER! XXXtreme Machine is DEAD!
SW: I wish.
Styles: Studnuts throws his title belt on top of XXXtreme Machine! One! Two! Three! And this one is over quickly.
NH: The hardcore title belt picks up a big win, but with some major help.
SW: I can't wait to see Studnuts and Seth Harker take on Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla in just a little bit. That one is gonna be bloody! Woohoo!
[Backstage, The Commentator is with Christina Gaguilera and Britney Smears.]
TC: Hello folks. I'm standing here with the Hardcore Divas. And ladies. We are getting precariously closer to your match. And Christina, by gawd, you're already a bloody mess from the helliferous Swiss Army Belt match. How are you gonna compete in the four-team ladder match?
CA: Certain people want to see me solely as a girl. But there are many different sides to Christina Gaguilera then just a girl.
TC: There are? Are you saying you're a hermy?
CA: What? No!
TC: Well, how do you and Britney plan on winning the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles?
CA: It's frustrating always being mentioned in the same sentence as Britney because we're two totally different wrestlers. We both sing and wrestle, but people have not yet had enough time to realize that there is a huge difference between us. If she wants to go and do something, I'll want to do the opposite.
TC: Oh? Well...I heard Britney wouldn't ever have sex with Good Ol' TC.
CA: Nice try. I'm not as blonde as you think I am!
TC: Britney. What's up with you?
BS: Well, TC. I've, like, been stressing about this match a lot. You know, so every night I, like, have to read a book so that, you know, like, my mind will totally stop thinking about things that I, like, stress about.
TC: Has anybody given you any inspiration for this Satanic match?
BS: I always call my cousin because we're so totally close. We're almost like sisters, and we're also close because our moms are sisters.
BS: You know?
TC: Not a thing. Guys. Back to you.
["How High" by Redman and Method Man plays.]
Styles: What is he doing coming out here? Is this match going to take place?
Michelle: Now coming to the ring...BOB's living legend, douja!
SW: Legendary stoner.
Styles: What is douja telling Michelle? And Generic Ref. They're having a little pow wow in the middle of the ring. Generic Ref shrugs. And they break.
Michelle: And his opponent. Unit 5!
["You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)" plays. The crowd cheers, hoping their favorite appliance is going to avenge, its, uh...attack? No. That's not dramatic enough. Umm...give me a second...]
NH: The crowd doesn't like this. douja is telling Generic Ref to start the count? Oh no.
Styles: Generic Ref is delaying.
SW: He doesn't like to try and count to ten. That kindergarten level education is just a little embarrassing to him.
GR: One......Two......Three.......Six.......Eight.......Five.........TEN! That's it!
Styles: Are you kidding me? douja wants to win like this? By dumping his opponent in mud and feces?
SW: Well, at least he's not bald, pushing 70 and gonna break a hip if he does a leg drop.
NH: How about showing a little dignity? Why can't douja come back, squash an undefeated rising star who's starting to get over and not sell like any 'living legend.'
SW: Because douja doesn't suck!
Styles: Well, douja gets the win. But I'm sure this one isn't over yet. Well fans, it's time for The Flunky to erect the Big Ugly Orange Cage.
SW: You said erect.
Styles: Anyway. We'll be right back.
SW: What? Commercials on a Webcast?
The following preview has not been approved for any audiences.
Coming soon to a hard-drive near you...
The sports entertainingist...
BOB-On-Demand event of the year.
Brawlers On a Budget presents Grudge Match A Go Go. This December. Exclusively on BOB-On-Demand at bobwrestling.com.
The only thing tighter than our budget will be the clothes on their sexy bodies! Hubba hubba!
[We head backstage to The Commentator who is with boxing legend Muhammad Ali.]
TC: Hello folks. The Commentator here, along with a man who needs no introduction. Champ. Welcome to BOB.
MA: If you even dream of asking me a stupid question, you'd better wake up and apologize.
TC: Umm...I'm kind of awake already, Champ. Anyway. Can you be fair calling this match when Steve Studnuts has paid you to be the special guest referee?
MA: All I want now is to be a nice, clean gentleman. I've proved my point. Now I'm going to set an example for all the nice boys and girls. I'm through talking.
TC: Wait, wait, I've got a couple more questions.
MA: I'm a baaaadd man!
TC: I know you are, sir. What are your thoughts on Dr. Thrilla?
MA: Thrilla is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
TC: What do you think about Mr. Paradox?
MA: Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: A desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.
TC: So, you're saying Mr. Paradox doesn't have the will?
MA: People don't realize what they had till it's gone. Like President Kennedy - nobody like him. Like The Beatles, there will never be anything like them. Like my man, Elvis Presley - I was the Elvis of boxing.
TC: And tonight, you'll be the Elvis of guest refereeing?
MA: It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.
TC: OK...um...what do you think of Good Ol' TC, Champ?
MA: If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
TC: Last question. Can you really call this match right down the middle?
MA: ... Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer.
TC: I see. Thanks, Cassius.
MA: Cassius Clay is a slave name. I didn't choose it, and I didn't want it. I am Muhammad Ali, a free name - it means beloved of God - and I insist people use it when speaking to me and of me. What's my name, fool? What's my name?
MA: Float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. Your hands can't hit what your eyes can't see.
TC: Thanks, Champ. Back to you, Styles, Scotty and Heidi!
[Back to ringside.]
Michelle: The following match will be for the You Gotta Be Cidding, oops, Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Title Belt!
["Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J hits the speakers. The crowd erupts as the living legend himself steps out.]
Michelle: introducing first. The special guest referee. He is the greatest. He is from Louisville, Kentucky. He is a former boxing world champion. He is Muhammad Ali!
SW: Wow, he is really still alive.
NH: Even at 60, he's still way more attractive than Scotty Whatbody has ever been or ever will be.
SW: I once had sex with a girl with Parkinson's disease. I didn't have to move a bit!
Styles: That's nice Scotty. Ali hasn't even been out here for a minute and you're already starting on his illness?
SW: Yep. I'm a pro, what can I say?
NH: Nothing at all would be a treat for me.
["Are We Ourselves?" by the Fixx plays.]
Michelle: Introducing first. The challengers. They are from Dimension Z. Dr. Thrilla and Mr. Paradox!
SW: That has got to be the ugliest contraption I've ever seen.
NH: What, Dr. Thrilla's mouth?
SW: No! The steel cage. Look at those ugly orange bars. If they really wanted to make prisoners commit suicide, that's the color they should use.
["Killing In The Name Of" by Rage Against The Machine plays.]
Michelle: And their opponents. First, from parts unknown, Seth Harker. And his tag team partner, from Phoenix, Arizona. The reigning hardcore champion, Steve Studnuts!
Styles: I know I don't need to say it, but this one is going to be...EXTREME!
SW: Can Seth pin Studnuts?
NH: He sure can.
SW: Hmm...I wonder if Seth will turn on his partner, in an attempt to impress his formerly-lesbian girlfriend, Kay Fabe! Girls like gold.
Styles: Anything is possible. I understand that the way this thing will work is the title belt will be out here on the floor on a chair. The first person to climb out of the ring and retrieve the belt which will be held by Ali will be the winner!
NH: A passing of the torch, so to speak. From one champion to another.
SW: So there won't be any pins? Or submissions? And Ali, who has one of the nastiest knockout punches of all time is holding onto the belt? And Studnuts is paying for him being here?
Styles: What are you getting at?
SW: What is it? Think, brain...OH! This is SUCH a screw job! There's no way Studnuts won't walk out of here with the belt.
NH: I don't think Ali can be bought.
SW: Anybody can be bought. You should know that for a fact, Heidi.
NH: *Grumble grumble*
Styles: And here we go! Thrilla grabs Harker and sends him flying into the cage! But Harker grabs on! Asai moonsault from the top rope! OH MY GOD!
NH: Studnuts and Paradox exchanging stiff punches. Here comes Harker to help out. They lock up Paradox. Double suplex.
Styles: Thrilla is back up. He grabs Harker. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! He whips Harker into the ropes. Thrilla charges looking for a spear but instead eats a flying sidekick by Harker! Both men quickly get up. Thrilla with a dropkick to Seth's chest. Seth goes for a kick. Thrilla catches. Oh what an enziguri!
NH: Paradox and Studnuts are content to just kick and pound each other on the other end of the cage. These guys truly must hate each other. Paradox with an eye poke. And there's a low blow. Piledriver connects!
Styles: Harker lifts Dr. Thrilla up onto the top rope. Harker climbs up. He's going for a hoodanconrana! Oh no! Thrilla held on. Harker rebounds. POWERBOMB CONNECTS from the middle rope!
NH: Ewwww! What's that smell?
SW: Whoops. Sorry. I farted. Damn hard-boiled eggs.
Styles: That's rancid.
SW: What the hell is going on? This is like a real wrestling match? Am I still in BOB?
Styles: Sadly, you are. Thrilla is starting to climb. But here comes Harker up onto the cage. He kicks Thrilla in the back of the head. RUSSIAN LEG SWEEP FROM OFF THE CAGE! OH MY GOD WHAT IMPACT!
NH: Paradox tosses Studnuts head first into the cage! Studnuts is sitting on the top rope, leaning against the cage. Paradox charges in but gets two feet to the face. Studnuts leaps off with a flying clothesline.
SW: We've got company. It's Smurfette!
NH: Queen Mylisiv is out. And she's got some weapons. We've got a staredown with Ali and Queen Mylisiv. She charges and leaps right over him and onto the cage! She's up to the top. Mylisiv tosses down a chair and Paradox's sword. Paradox sees the toys and goes right for them.
SW: Oh no! Ali has Queen Mylisiv by her purple hair! He just punched her out!
Styles: OH MY GOD! This crowd is going WILD!
SW: Really? Are there any girls flashing?
NH: Not that kind of wild, Scotty.
SW: Awww...we need more drunken slut viewers.
Styles: Studnuts kicks the sword out of Paradox's hand. Kick. DDT on the chair!
Styles: And there's a chair shot for Dr. Thrilla! Studnuts just told Seth to climb? What is he thinking?
NH: Studnuts picks up Thrilla. Powerslam in the middle of the ring. He picks up Paradox over his head. OH! What a stiff spinebuster! Both men are laid out in the middle of the ring. Harker is up top!
SW: That cage sure is shaky. Or are those Harker's legs?
Styles: It looks like the cage. Harker is a risk-taker.
Styles: OH MY GOD! A side of the cage just collapsed! Harker just fell into the first two rows of fans!
SW: I guess it's a good thing enough fans actually showed up to have two rows of fans.
Styles: Studnuts is staring in disbelief of seeing his tag partner fall about 20 feet from the ring into the crowd. They had this match under control. Now Studnuts is left alone with Thrilla and Paradox. Studnuts knows he's got to work fast now.
NH: Can somebody go check on the fans? And Seth? Oh, here comes Kay Fabe and Mr. Ego himself.
SW: Trey Vincent is Mr. Ego?
NH: I'm sure he's telling Kay that if Seth can't perform, he'll gladly take over.
SW: Good thinking! I should go tell Kay that.
Styles: Studnuts has Thrilla up! Paradox clips Studnuts from behind! Paradox tells his partner to hold up the chair. What is this? Paradox grabs Studnuts. OH NO! EXTREME inverted atomic drop on the CHAIR!
SW: Studs' nuts will never be the same again.
Styles: And Thrilla lays out Studnuts with a chair shot. Now what? Oh no! Paradox just pulled out handcuffs! He gets on top of Studnuts and is pounding on Studnuts skull with the steel cuffs!
NH: Studnuts is busted open from those shots. This isn't fair.
SW: 'This isn't fair' is BOB's motto.
Styles: And now they're dragging him to the cage. Studnuts is dragged to his feet and handcuffed to the cage.
NH: How's Seth? Is he moving?
SW: Oh man! Kay's kissing him. He'd rather make out then get back in the match? Well...guess I can't blame him, I'd do the same thing.
TV: Here, have a free BOB T-shirt. If you touch this voucher, you can't sue us!
Styles: He's shoving vouchers into all our fans' hands. That can't be legal. Oh no! Paradox has his sword. And Studnuts is defenseless! It looks like he's coming to, but he can't defend himself. Paradox charges. Studnuts grabs Thrilla around the neck and uses him as a shield! OH MY GOD! Thrilla is staring down the blade. Paradox was just able to stop in time from impaling his own teammate.
NH: It looks like Paradox is seriously contemplating making a shish-ka-BOB.
Styles: This is not a joking matter, you two.
SW: Oh, lighten up, Styles. It's just a couple of lives. And I'm sure they'd magically come back to life next week or whenever we put our next show out.
Styles: The crowd is erupting! Ali just came into the ring! He's telling Paradox to get away from Studnuts.
SW: Is Ali about to throw down with Mr. Paradox? This I've GOT to see!
NH: It looks like Paradox is all for it! He tosses the sword aside and is telling Ali to bring it!
Styles: Paradox is digging in his pocket. What's that? A key? That must be the key to the handcuffs. Paradox is wiggling it.
Styles: Oh my GOD! Paradox just hit a suckerpunch! Ali is down! I don't believe it! The special guest referee has been knocked out!
SW: I've never seen that happen before. Usually the guest referees screw over the heels and help the faces win. Only in BOB can we get it wrong every time.
Styles: Paradox tosses the key onto Ali. He picks up the title belt and his sword and is leaving! What a despicable human being!
Michelle: The winner of the match. And NEW You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain't Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion, Mr. Paradox!
Styles: Studnuts drops an unconscious Dr. Thrilla. He's been choked out. Studnuts looks pissed, as he should be.
NH: Harker is just getting helped to his feet now. Studnuts is handcuffed to the cage. Ali has been KOed. We've got a new champion. What a crazy cage match. And that man is Mr. Paradox.
Styles: Well, here comes The Flunky and some of the BOB crew to disassemble the cage.
SW: Yeah, nice job Flunky on almost killing Seth!
Styles: So we'll take a quick break and be right back to crown the first-ever Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Championship! Stay tuned!
SW: They're paying for it. Who cares if they go?
The following preview has not been approved for any audiences.
Coming soon to a hard-drive near you...
The sports entertainingist...
BOB-On-Demand event of the year.
Brawlers On a Budget presents Grudge Match A Go Go. This December. Exclusively on BOB-On-Demand at bobwrestling.com.
The only thing tighter than our budget will be the clothes on their sexy bodies! Hubba hubba!
Styles: Well, we're back. And since The Flunky has apparently lost a screwdriver, there is going to be a slight delay in the events. But since we have some time to kill, we're going to show a match that will probably get us thrown off Go Daddy. It's too extreme for the World Wide Web. But our bosses want to show it. Parents, you've been warned.
[‘Woo Hoo’ by The 5, 6, 7, 8’s plays. An elderly man, more wrinkled than a prune with hair bleached brighter than the sun, walks out in a sequined blue robe. He smiles to the fans as he walks down to the ring, his false teeth a glaring white.]
Michelle: The following contest is scheduled for a pin. Introducing first, from South Carolina, weighing in at 152 pounds… ‘The Nature Dude’ Nic Flare!
NH: Nic Flare is one of the newly hired talent that has been brought up from the B-Shows.
SW: No, he was brought up from the Z-Shows to the Y-Shows. He is an absolute jobber, by the way.
[Nic climbs into the ring with difficulty and begins to strut around the ring.]
SW: BOB’s next most overused and annoying catchphrase.
Styles: Every Brawler needs one!
[‘Big Balls’ by AC/DC plays next and an overweight, scruffy looking fellow with long messy hair dressed in ripped jeans and a poorly stitched Brawlers on a Budget t-shirt (the logo was just draw on) walks out swinging a steel chair around like a maniac.]
SW: And BOB continues to maintain it’s wino employment quota.
Styles: This is Balls Jabroni, a chair swinging freak who likes to get EXTREME from time to time.
NH: He looks like a smelly hobo.
[Jabroni climbs into the ring and starts swinging his chair about, the fans don’t give him too much of a reaction.]
NF: Hey, ref, he can’t use that in this match! That’s against the rules!
[Generic Ref shrugs.]
NH: I’m not sure I care about this match, neither one of those guys is even remotely attractive.
SW: If you had to fuck one who would it be?
SW: Come on, you have to pick, the fat homeless guy or the geriatric with the toupee?
SW: Ok, I’ll put myself into the mix to give you some better choice, you’ve got to pick me over those two.
NH: *shrugs* You’re all on about the same level.
BJ: You’d change your mind if you saw my enormous testic…
Styles: OHMYGOD Nic Flare with a knife hand chop!
BJ: The fuck!? Take this!
NH: And… Balls… with a chop of his own. Ugh, do I have to call him that?
SW: Yep, it has more comedy potential when you say it.
NH: Is that why my script has lines like ‘I love Balls, he’s such a stiff worker’ and ‘I just love watching Balls swing away?’
Styles: I believe you’ll find that is in reference to him swinging a chair, if I dare try to sway this conversation back to the actual match.
SW: Oh, right… uhhh… that old guy with some more chops and stuff.
SW: And some more.
NH: And more.
SW: Boy is this repetitive.
Styles: Jabroni with a thumb to the eye!
SW: Thank God.
[Nic Flare takes a few steps back before suddenly flopping face first to the mat. Jabroni rolls him over and makes a cover.]
Styles: One, two, thre… no, Flare just manages to kick out.
SW: The mind boggles as to why these aren’t among the list of fired guys rather than people we brought up to the proper shows.
NH: I guess the higher-ups just saw some potential in these guys.
[Jabroni farts in Flare’s face before rolling out of the ring.]
SW: Balls taking a page out of, sadly, more than one former BOBster’s book.
NF: I think I’m gonna be sick.
Styles: Balls Jabroni is setting up a table on the outside! Flare sees what he is doing and rolls out of the ring. He hits a chop…
Styles: … but Jabroni just takes it.
[Flare drops to his knees, begging for mercy. Balls laughs at him and goes to grab him by the hair but Nic hits a low blow.]
SW: Balls’ balls have got to be hurting now.
Styles: Flare climbs up onto the table and tries to pull Jabroni up with him, but he’s too heavy for the Nature Dude to lift so he just climbs back down and rolls him into the ring.
[Flare starts strutting around the ring as Jabroni lies on his back holding his family jewels in pain. Flare then grabs his legs by the ankles and starts twisting them about in a random fashion.]
Styles: Figure of Eight Leg Lock! Will Balls tap? No, he just kicks Flare off.
NH: I don’t think that move even hurt Balls much.
SW: I hope he’s going to end this soon.
Styles: Balls grabs a steel chair from somewhere and lays it on top of Flare before running off the ropes and hitting the splash to end all splashes. One, two, three!
SW: Nic Flare is such a jobber.
[We return to present day. Er....hour?]
Michelle: The following match will be a four-team ladder match for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles!
SW: Wow, the belts are actually hanging above the ring instead of on a fishing pole. We're almost like a wrestling company or something.
["Harrrdcore," a BOB original by Christina Gaguilera, Britney Smears and featuring Sleazy-C, plays.]
Michelle: Introducing first. Christina Gaguilera and Britney Smears, the Hardcore Divas!
Styles: They better live up to their name if they want to survive in this EXTREME ladder match.
SW: They're used to bleeding. They do it every month, Styles.
["Better Days" by Tadpole plays next.]
Michelle: Introducing team two. John "Skeeter" Skeet and Steve Leary. The Distorted Icons!
SW: And these guys are used to sucking. They do it every day.
Styles: Regardless, they are former tag champions.
SW: That's only because they sucked up and kissed ass and got on the booking committee. It was brilliant.
[A train whistle blows.]
SW: Oh shit, we didn't sign A-Train did we?
Joey Ramone: 1, 2, 3, 4!
[A Ramones medley begins blasting.]
SW: Phew. That was too scary to contemplate.
Michelle: Team three. Coma and Hallucination Boy. The Exploding Holy Grail!
NH: Say, are you guys related? A-Train's back is just a tad bit hairier than yours. And when you lose all your hair, I'm sure you'll look like identical twins, aside from all the piercings.
SW: Shut up, Heidi.
["Highway To Hell" plays last.]
Michelle: And the fourth team. From Drudleyville. D-Van and Rubba Ray, the DRUDLEY Boyz!
Styles: The ladder is out in front of our table and will be until somebody retrieves it and brings it into the ring.
NH: Then the wackiness will ensue.
SW: Screw that thinking. Here comes D-Van. He's grabbing the ladder.
Rubba Ray: D-VAN!!!
RRD: GET THE LADDER!
D-Van: What do you think this is in my hand?
RRD: OH! FINE. THEN LET'S GO KICK THOSE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKERS FUCKING ASSES!
Styles: And here we go. Michelle gets out of there and this match is on! Coma grabs the ladder out of D-Van's hand. He rams it into D-Van's midsection.
NH: Rubba goes on the attack on Hallucination Boy. Elbow to the top of the head. And some punches connect.
SW: Britney just hit a low blow on Skeeter. Christina with a high kick to Leary. Oh, baby! Do that kick AGAIN! Did I mention I love her outfit. And her body?
Styles: Skeeter with a leg sweep? Is he actually learning some moves? He grabs the ladder and drags Britney on top of it. Boston crab on top of the ladder.
SW: Note to Skeeter. When the guys tell you to do moves on the ladder, they don't mean SUBMISSION holds, you retard! Throw her on it!
NH: Coma knocks Skeeter over so they're in a sunset flip position. Now Britney is pounding away on Skeeter.
Styles: Coma sets the ladder up. This is too early. Look out! D-Van is heading to the top rope. Coma doesn't see him.
SW: Oh! But he just felt him! D-Van just dove from the top and clotheslined him all the way to the mat.
Styles: D-Van drags Coma up and tosses him out here by us! RUBBA BOMB on Hallucination Boy! OH MY GOD!
NH: Britney's got a steel chair.
NH: And she just connected! Skeeter is down. She puts the chair in his crotch and is heading up top! Oh no!
NH: Ouch indeed. She just jumped onto the chair from the top rope.
SW: Well, at least Skeeter won't be reproducing. There's always a bright side.
Styles: Leary drop toe holds Xtina. He grabs the ladder and now puts it on her head. And don't forget, Christina's already been through a brutal match to open this show. Oh no! Leary bounces off the rope.
Styles: EXTREME leg drop connects! And Xtina's nose is bloody again. She's wearing the crimson mask!
NH: Coma and D-Van are now brawling in the aisle in the crowd. D-Van with a swinging neckbreaker! D-Van drags him up. But Coma with a kick. Sleeper hold!
Styles: Rubba has Hallucination Boy up!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Britney just hit Hallucination Boy in the head and then Rubba delivered a vicious Tiger bomb!
NH: D-Van's fading. Coma lays him down in the aisle. Now he's...where did he get that pillow? He puts the pillow under D-Van's head. And a blanket? And a teddy bear? Aww...D-Van looks kinda cute when he's asleep.
SW: Only Coma would come up with something this strange.
Styles: And Rubba takes a chair shot from Britney as he gets up. Rubba falls to the mat face first! Britney raises the chair in the air in triumph.
NH: Leary whips Xtina into the corner. Now he picks up the ladder by the bottom. Oh no! He just catapulted the ladder into her head! Christina collapses in a bloody heap.
Styles: That was EXTREME!
SW: Coma is back after tucking in D-Van. He grabs Rubba Ray crotch-first into the steel post.
Styles: Britney with a bulldog to Leary. Now she's taking the ladder and leans it against the ropes. She pulls up Hallucination Boy. Russian leg sweep into the ladder! OH MY GOD!
NH: Skeeter charges at Britney. Hip toss onto the ladder! Now here comes Coma! Back drop onto the ladder! And here comes Rubba Ray! Drop toe hold onto the ladder.
Styles: Britney Smears is the only one left standing in the ring. This is her chance. She's setting up the ladder. Oh no! It's Small Tyke Drudley! He just threw water on D-Van! D-Van grabs Tyke by the throat! But Tyke is pointing to the ring.
NH: He's shaking out the cobwebs and rushing to the ring. Britney's halfway up!
SW: Can we get a shot from UNDER the ladder? That'd be different. Clive, get in there and get a cool shot!
NH: You're so disgusting.
Styles: D-Van's up the opposite side of the ladder just as Britney is at the top. HIP TOSS FROM THE TOP OF THE LADDER! OH MY GOD! Both bodies crash to the mat!
NH: A bloody Christina Gaguilera is back up. I don't believe it. She falls against the ladder. She's climbing! But Leary is back up.
SW: Whoa! He's going for the goods!
NH: No he's not! He's going for a powerbomb! But she counters! Headscissor takedown!
Styles: Rubba shoves the flat ladder to the middle of the ring. D-Van and Rubba are both almost up. Christina leans Leary against the ropes! OH MY GOD! It's the Dirrrty Low Kick!
SW: That was a blatant crotch abuse.
Styles: Christina turns around. 4D ON THE LADDER! OH MY GOD! Christina is DEAD! She's DEAD! Now the Drudleyz get to stompin'. They're making sure everybody is down and hurt.
NH: It's ladder time. Rubba sets it up. Now D-Van's climbing. This match could be over right here. Rubba's holding the ladder steady. But look out from behind. Hallucination Boy is up. But so is Britney! She charges!
HB: TRAIN! *Dives*
Styles: Britney spears Rubba Ray in the back! OH MY GOD! D-Van just fell all the way to the floor! He's DEAD! D-Van is DEAD!
SW: Christina just fell to the floor. Maybe I should go check on her. Make sure nothing feels broken in her legs or her chest.
Styles: Stay right where you are Scotty. Britney and Rubba exchanging punches. Lookout from behind. Leary spins around Britney and whips her into the ropes. Kick to the midsection knocks her down. Skeeter grabs Rubba Ray by the hair and he just jumped over the top rope and dragged Rubba throat first into the rope. Rubba is down!
NH: Skeeter grabs another chair and heads up top. Elbow drop with the chair into Rubba from the top rope!
Styles: Smears has a chair on her head. Leary bounces off the rope. Leg drop connects! The Distorted Icons are in total control now. Rubba is shoved to the floor as is Britney Smears. They grab the ladder and set it up.
NH: Coma is back up. So is Hallucination Boy. They grab Skeeter! Double DDT! Leary is trying to quickly climb the ladder and get the belts.
Styles: But he isn't fast enough.
SW: Uh oh! They are going to kill Leary.
Styles: Coma and Hallucination Boy lift up the ladder. Ohhhh, NO!
[What the? Hey. Styles, Scotty and Heidi just through their headsets down. Oh, I see why! They've got Leary up. HOLY MONKEY POO! They just sent Leary from the ring through the announce desk.
Styles (Off mic): OH MY GOD!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
[Ah, there it is. Anyway, both Drudleyz, both Divas and Leary are all out on the floor. And Skeeter is still down in the ring. Leaving Coma and Hallucination Boy alone in the ring with the ladder. Oh boy. This one may not be over yet if these two mental giants are all that's standing.]
Styles: Are we on?
SW: I can hear you.
Styles: Well, we're back at what's left of our announce position. Scotty! Get your feet off Leary.
SW: Aww. So, are these guys gonna actually go for the belts?
Styles: Coma is just standing there. The crowd is yelling for them to climb the ladder and grab the belts.
[Coma scratches his chin and looks up to the left-hand corner of the screen. Through the magic of video editing, he has a flashback that we can all see as well.]
Coma: It's Godzilla! Yank the thingee, Helen, before it's too late! Spong!
The Flunky: Whatever. Just climb the freakin' ladder, already!
Coma: Charge! Invade Norway!
The Flunky: The ladder's over this way, Coma. Want to get out of my car?
Coma: But it's warm and fluffy in here! Grunt-a-gogo!
The Flunky:*sigh* Hallucination Boy, you're up.
HB: You're telling me I am. I can see for miles! Look, the velocoraptors are in the swamp again!
The Flunky: Aitch Bee?
The Flunky: Just Climb. The freakin'. Ladder! Before. I. Kill you.
Styles: There goes Coma! He's climbing the ladder! Nobody can stop him.
SW: Unless somebody wiggles something shiny in front of his face.
NH: Shiny wiggling? Like the tag belts?
SW: Aw, hell.
Styles: Coma is staring at the belts! Grab them! You've got the match!
[Two minutes later...]
NH: Hallucination Boy is getting impatient. He's climbing up now! Hallucination Boy is up. Coma is still staring at the belts.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Hallucination Boy just dove from the top all the way to the mat. And now the ladder is teetering! Coma reaches up to grab on for dear life to the belts!
Styles: And they fall down!
NH: Along with Coma in a heap.
SW: It's about damn time. I thought he'd be up there forever.
Michelle: The winners of the match, and NEW Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, The Exploding Holy Grail!
[We head backstage, where Death walked on down a hall. He went into the room where the Shaggy Gang was staying and...then he paid a visit to Sarah and then he...He walked on down the hall, yeah. And he came to a door. And he looked inside.]
Sir Zeno: Yes, Death?
Death: I want to kill you.
[Death then quickly runs to the other door and looks inside.]
Death: Sarah....I want to....kill you too! Come on baby.
[Death then collapses to the floor and begins thrusting his hips.]
STJS: Channel Jim Morrison much?
[Sarah walks over Death to the hallway. We head back to the ring.]
Michelle: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening, and it will be for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS!
[The crowd cheers as "Temptation Waits" by Garbage plays.]
Michelle: Introducing first, from Cloudydale, Connecticut. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
[Sarah walks out slowly.]
SW: I don't think she's gonna last more than five minutes, Styles.
Styles: You may be surprised. Sarah is the strongest Jobber Slayer I've ever trained.
SW: Isn't she the ONLY Jobber Slayer you've ever trained?
Styles: Well...yes, but still.
Michelle: And her opponent.
["Narayan" by Prodigy begins to play and the crowd boos.]
Michelle: From Dimension Z. He is the holder of the Swiss Army Belt. This is Sir Zeno!
NH: Zeno walking a bit more confidently than Sarah was when she came out.
Styles: This one is gonna be EXTREME! I have no doubt that Sarah can pull this out.
SW: Didn't you say that about the Swiss Army Belt match?
Styles: Well...did I?
Styles: Well, I stand behind my Jobber Slayer.
SW: I think it's fair to say that Zeno isn't your everyday jobber. He has got the Swiss Army Belt and your girl doesn't. Say...does that mean she loses her powers and a new Slayer is called?
Styles: No. It seems, the whole Slayer-calling bit is over. The Federation is out of business. It's just Sarah, Eliza and Bianca. And I haven't a clue where Eliza or Bianca are. They could be in any number of federations by now.
NH: It's time to crown a new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
Styles: Zeno connects with a clothesline, and this thing is underway. Sarah gets up, but is sent right back down with a spin kick. Zeno stomps on Sarah and chokes her with his boot. He pulls Sarah up. She hits a savate kick! Zeno counters with a front kick. Sarah with a kick. Zeno with a kick.
NH: These two do like to use their feet as weapons.
SW: They're edu-ma-cated feets.
Styles: Sarah tosses Zeno to the mat and now she returns the favor by stomping on Zeno's body. Zeno grabs her by the waistline and pulls her to the ropes, sending her to the floor!
SW: Wow, Sarah's wearing red panties.
Styles: You saw her panties?
SW: Sure did! Too bad she's wearing panties, or I might have bought this show when I got home.
Styles: Sarah trips Zeno and pulls him out. Kick to the ribs. Kick to the head! And she bashes his head into the steel post! Now she whips Zeno into the Flimsy Guardrail! Oh! It just fell over! Hey! Is that Totally Heel in the crowd?
SW: It is! Violent Pacifist, Massive Man Rendition First, Jim, Sir Hungalot, Jean Bannister, J.C. Long and Hardcore JJ are all in the crowd.
Styles: I don't like this one bit. Violent Pacifist and Massive Man Rendition First are the last two ONLY WORLD CHAMPS THAT MATTER. I've got an uneasy feeling.
SW: Are you sure it wasn't the catering backstage? That cheese looked kinda green.
NH: And Hardcore JJ was also an ONLY WORLD CHAMP THAT MATTERS.
Styles: Right, Heidi. Sarah pulls Zeno back and shoves him into the ring. But Zeno's up quickly and kicks her in the side of the head as she comes back through the ropes. He heads up top as a dazed Sarah pushes herself up. Zeno dives! Sarah gets both feet up into his chin!
NH: Sarah charges and tries for the Sarahconrana! Zeno hits a sitdown powerbomb! Cover! One! Two!
Styles: She gets the shoulder up in time! These two know each other's moves from earlier tonight. Sarah hits a desperate dropkick to the knee! And now...FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK IS ON! OH MY GOD!
GR: What do you say, Zeno?
Styles: It's locked in in the middle of the ring. Zeno's only hope is to get to the ropes or turn the hold over.
SW: Zeno will escape. That move doesn't really hurt.
Styles: Really? Can I try it on you?
NH: One! Two! Zeno sits up. Now he's heading for the ropes. He's got more power than Sarah. He's getting closer, pushing himself inch by inch to get to the ropes for the break.
SW: Sarah can't stop him. Where's her Slayer strength now, Styles?
Styles: Zeno made it to the ropes. Damn it!
SW: You're supposed to be unbiased, Styles. Where's your professionalism? Go kick her ass, Zeno!
Styles: Where's YOUR professionalism?
SW: I'm supposed to support the heels. That's what the Web site says anyway.
Styles: Sarah misses a high kick. Zeno with a kick to her midsection. He gets on the second rope. Now to the top! BULLDOG CONNECTS! OH MY GOD! COVER! One! Two! Th-NO! Sarah gets a shoulder up. That move eliminated Christina Gaguilera earlier tonight, but it wasn't enough to take out Sarah.
NH: Zeno whips Sarah into the ropes. She ducks under a clothesline and jumps on his back! Sleeper hold!
SW: I thought rest holds were banned by Trey?
Styles: Zeno is struggling. He grabs Sarah's legs and charges backward into the corner turnbuckles. Sarah drops the hold. But she hits a hard kick into Zeno's injured leg. Dragon screw leg whip takes Zeno down!
NH: Sarah's about to fly.
SW: This is dumb. She thinks she's hardcore now because she fought Kamikazie Ken?
Styles: Zeno struggles to get up. Jumping roundhouse kick connects! OH MY GOD WHAT IMPACT!
NH: If Sarah wins, this one's over!
SW: And the I'm way too blonde comment of the week goes to...
NH: Shut up.
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!
NH: The crowd is solidly behind Sarah. They can't believe Zeno kicked out again.
SW: Maybe we'll have to change his name to Triple-Z or something.
Styles: Sarah pulls up Zeno by the throat. You don't think she's gonna try and hit an Eternal Question on HIIM do you?
SW: Ref, that's a choke! Break it up!
Styles: Zeno wraps a hand around Sarah's throat. Both brawlers are trying to choke the life out of the other. Low blow kick by Sarah! She backs up...FLYING LUNGE KICK CONNECTS!
SW: Oh no!
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE!
Crowd: AWWWWWWWWW LET HER WIN ALREADY!
NH: Zeno is showing some great resilience here.
Styles: They charge toward each other and OH! Both land knockout punches. Both are down!
SW: Hey, look! Here comes DEATH!
Styles: DEATH? Why the hell is Death coming out? Oh, NO! He picks up Sarah! NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB! Oh my GOD! Why is Death helping Zeno!
SW: And the crowd is too scared to boo him, because they don't want to die.
[The crowd cheers loudly as...]
SW: Woohoo! The hottest lesbian in parody sports entertainment is HERE! Kay Fabe!
Styles: Kay charges into the ring! Slap to Death. Another slap to Death. She licks the palm of her hand. BITCH SLAP~! Death tries for a punch, but Kay's got her! KAY'S BOTTOM ON DEATH! OH MY GOD!
NH: Zeno's up! Kay's up. They bump into each other. Kay spins around. KAY'S BOTTOM ON ZENO!
Styles: Oh no! Look out Kay! Queen Mylisiv is in! ROYAL OUCHIE to Kay!
SW (Bored): The ring is filling up with broken bodies. The carnage, the carnage. Is this a no DQ match?
GR: It is now!
Styles: We need to crown a champion. We won't have a winner if there's a DQ. It's Seth Harker! Harker's in to protect his woman, Kay Fabe! Tiger Driver on Queen Mylisiv! Oh my GOD! This match is getting EXTREMELY VIOLENT!
NH: Harker heads up top. What is he doing? It's the Nightbringer! He just hit the Nightbringer on Zeno!
SW: Who's THAT? It's Dr. Thrilla. He charges in and hits Seth in the back of the head with a stop sign. And he hits Death, who falls out of the ring. And he hits Kay Fabe. And he smacks Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"!
Styles: STEVE STUDNUTS IS COMING! And he's got a chair!
Styles: Thrilla is DOWN! That chair is damn near bent in half! Queen Mylisiv is up! Death Valley Of The Sun Driver on HER! Zeno hits Studnuts. And again. Studs blocks a third. Death Valley of the Sun Driver on Zeno!
SW: Paradox to the rescue! Paradox is in. He grabs Studnuts! Reverse DDT on the chair!
Styles: OH my GOD! Now Paradox is choking Studnuts with the chair. Sarah, somehow, is up again. Paradox sees her! NO!
Styles: You sick sonofabitch! He just blasted Sarah with that chair! What's WRONG with him! Sarah is down in a heap!
NH: Here comes Little Good! He slides in—
Styles: But is taken right out by a vile chair shot from Paradox. This match is out of control. SETH HARKINATOR ON PARADOX! OH MY GOD! Paradox falls out of the ring from THAT blow! Harker heads out to beat on Paradox some more. Kay Fabe and Queen Mylisiv are battling out here near US now!
NH: Studnuts and Thrilla charge at each other again. Studnuts spears him through the ropes.
SW: Zeno is trying to get back up. So is Sarah. Little Good is bleeding in the ring from that chair shot. Oh NO! It's DOUJA!
Styles: CHRONIC NECK PAIN ON ZENO! And...CHRONIC NECK PAIN ON SARAH! He's not on anybody's side in this, he just wants the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS!
NH: Totally Heel is running into the ring now! And douja is out of there. Violent Pacifist tosses Little Good over the top rope.
Styles: What the hell is this? They don't even WORK for BOB anymore! They're attacking Zeno AND Sarah, stomping and punching them into oblivion! This is a gang beatdown! And there's nobody left to save either one of them.
[An ear-splitting scream is heard throughout the small arena.]
Styles: No WAY! It's ELIZA! ELIZA "THE JOBBER SLAYER" IS HERE! AND SO IS BIANCA! OH MY GOD!
NH: Breathe, Styles, breathe. Sarah's sisters in slayage hit the ring armed with wood baseball bats! Bannister goes down! Hungalot goes down! Jim is taken down! They did NOT just hit Hardcore JJ!
SW: They're so gonna get tried for child abuse for that one!
NH: Violent Pacifist and Massive Man are staring at Eliza and Biance. They look down at their fallen brothers. They're running for it! Eliza and Bianca are chasing Massive Man and VP out of here!
Styles: Are you kidding me! There are fights all over the place. Bodies all over the building. And we STILL haven't finished this match!
SW: Zeno is getting back up though. He's got enough left to win this thing, I'm sure of it!
NH: Sarah's also back up.
Styles: SARAHCONRANA! ONE! TWO! THRE-NO! ZENO JUST ESCAPED!
SW: She just can't beat him. There's no way!
Styles: Sarah grabs the chair. She's waiting on him Zeno to get up. She tosses him the chair! He catches it!
*BANG BANG BANG*
Styles: TRIPLE KICK! TRIPLE KICK CONNECTS INTO THE STEEL CHAIR! OH MY GOD! SARAH WITH THE COVER!
Crowd: ONE! TWO! THREE?
Styles: SHE GOT HIM!
[Big f'n pop!]
Michelle: The winner of the match...and NEW ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS! SARAH "THE JOBBER SLAYER"!
Styles: What a match! What an event! What a historic night!
NH: A woman holds the top title belt in a man's sport. It is indeed a historic night.
SW: Does this mean we might actually have a black president someday? Or a female president? Or worst: A black female president? Oh no...my world is crumbling. Women...are no longer inferior? What happened to the minority! Where are the morals! Where is the pecking order!
Styles: Well, that's it for On Your Hard Drive. For our entire crew. For Nurse Heidi. And for Scotty Whatbody. This is Styles. Goodnighteverybody!
©2005 BOB Wrestling. Who needs a beer?