PART ONE: IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...
(A rousing burst of left-over July 4th fireworks welcomes us to The LittleDome. The place is packed.. it's our first ever sold-out arena! (Although the LittleDome's capacity is only around 600... but still.. it's a SELL-OUT crowd!) A veritable forest of signs is raised as we pan the crowd. Security can be seen, removing "What? No TNM?" signs from some fans at ringside. Eventually we pick up Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, Scotty Whatbody and GBH at ringside.)
MM: WELCOME EVERYONE... to SEND US MONEY... TITLE-PALOOZA!!! The greatest wrestling spectacular in BOB's brief history! This should be a fantastic night, Scotty.
SW: That's for sure Mikey! Listen to that crowd! I can hardly hear myself think!
MM: That shouldn't be a problem for GBH, though.. Nice to have you back with us!
GBH: Duhh.. yuh... fanks.
MM: Sorry to hear that Mensa rejected your application, GBH.
SW: The fact that he had trouble using the door handle at his interview probably counted against him...
MM: Well folks, we've got some exclusive footage to show you now.. it happened right before we came on air. This occured during the weigh-in for S.M.P and Neige Thirteen!
(Cut to a backstage area. Several reporters are present, along with Dennis.)
Dennis: Neige Thirteen, any comments about your match tonight?
N13: Gundamn right I've got some comments... Plants, you're going down! I don't care how many favours the BOSS owes you... I WILL beat you tonight!
SMP: Yeah, right! And if you do... I'll hang up my boots and retire on the spot!
Dennis: Are you serious, old chap? You would walk away from the squared circle if you lose tonight?
SMP: Damn straight! I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I lose to this guy, let alone face my legions of fans! I say again.. if I lose tonight.. I will RETIRE!
N13: YEAH! You heard it, people! You're looking at the man who's about to put SMP out of wrestling FOR GOOD!
Dennis: Well, things are getting more interesting by the minute! Back to you Mike..
MM: Amazing scenes there.. SMP is now facing retirement if he can't beat Niege Thirteen in the Electrified Cage match!
SW: Oh, yeah! it's gonna be one hell of a night!
GBH: Duhh.. yeah... hur hur hur..
MM: So let's kick things off with the first round matches in the Pan Galactic Tournament! Over to you, Scuzz!
Scuzz: Ladies, an' gennemen.. this is a first round match in th' Pan-Galactic tournament.. an' it's also for the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Belt.. innerducing first... weigin' in at 303 pounds..THE DOMINO!
(The "Domino Rally" advertising jingle plays as the previously-masked man walks to the ring. The Flunky is behind him, hauling the Big Dumpster O' Weapons)
Scuzz: And his opponent.. from Parts Unadmitted.. The "WWF Glory" Champion".... BIRDBOY!
(Big pop for the former sub-superstar as he runs to the ring with Mr Pecker.)
MM: Well, this should be.. a match..
SW: Way to be enthustiastic, Mike.. WHOA! I think this one is under way early!
MM: It sure is.. I never even saw The Domino get that mini-toaster oven ready!
SW: That's the advantage of having the first intro, Mikey! First pick of the weapons!
MM: Birdboy staggers to his feet after that blindside attack! Pickup and slam from Domino! Measures Birdboy for a big fistdrop... and nails him! The Flunky throws The Domino a pair of cymbals.. OOH! That's gotta smart!
SW: But he's getting a nice sound out of Birdboys head... John Phillip Sousa would be proud!
GBH: Duhhh.. funny!
MM: The Flunky tosses The Domino a cast-iron frypan! Why is he helping the Domino? Do you think The Domino paid the Flunky off?
SW: That's my guess.. it's all about the Benjamins, baby! Especially when you're working for BOB!
MM: Birdboy has rolled to the floor to escape this frenzied attack by The Domino! Domino chases his out, though... swings the frypan.. And Birdboy ducks at the last second! Domino hit the post! The shock of that impact must have gone all the way up Dominos arms! This could turn the tide!
SW: Let's see how hardcore Birdboy can get!
MM: Birdboy launches a spinning heel kick! Reverse inziguri! Rapid-fire puches drive the Domino up the aisle..
SW: Here comes the Flunky from behind! He's got the collected works of William Shakespeare!
MM: In hardback, too! WHAM! Birdboy never saw that coming! Once more into the breach.. or at least, once more onto Birdboys cranium!
SW: Et tu, Flunky?
MM: Domino drags Birdboy to his feet... Running Bulldog down the ramp! A cover.. and a kickout at two! The Domino looks frustrated.. he's gone back to the dumpster! He's found a bag of assorted Pokemon products!
SW: More anime referencing? That Neige Thirteen guy has got a lot to answer for...
MM: Domino has this match in total control! Look at him brutalising Birboy with those pirate DVD's of the Pokemon movie! WAIT... INSIDE CRADLE by BIRDBOY! 1..2..3! It's over!
SW: WHAT? An inside cradle? In a Hardcore Match? That sucked! That bites! That's.. BOB personified, I guess...
Scuzz: Here is yo' winner.. and NEWWWW "AYOOYFM" Champion.. BIRDBOY!
MM: What an unbelievable start!
SW: I'll say..
GBH: Duhh.. whut happened? Duhhh.. huh?
MM: I'll explain later, GBH... Let's keep things rolling!
Scuzz: The Pan-Galactic tournament continues, wit' this first round match.. right? Innerducin'... "CAP" AL LARRIE!
("Spill The Blood" plays as Larrie enters the arena along with "Bloody" Mary. Boos aplenty..)
Scuzz: An' his oponent.. one half of th' "YGHF" Tag Team Champions.. PZRM..PSZR.. That big guy wit' th' sheep..
(The Krapterian National Anthem, "We're Krapterians, So There!" plays as Pzremslwvk and Kritch head down to ringside.)
MM: Both men in the ring now, and the Generic Ref calls for the bell..
(Cut to the Flunky who mimes hitting a bell, while holding a tapedeck up to a microphone.)
***Dubbed in bell rings.
MM: ..and here we go! The winner of this one meets Birdboy..
***The same dubbed in bell rings.
Scuzz: Here is yo' winna.. PSZRMNTL...whateva..
MM: What the Hell happened? Scotty, insights?
SW: You're asking me? I was pouring myself a glass of water! GBH?
SW: Forget I asked.. can we get a replay?
(We are treated to a replay of the Flunky pretending to hit the bell.)
MM: Of the match? No? Sorry about that fans.. I guess only the fans who bought tickets will know what happened!
SW: Nice way to bring up the door sales, Mike!
MM: Thanks! Well, the next match should have more action.. Goffer versus G.I Slow!
Scuzz: This match is for one fall.. innerducin'.. weighin' 689 pounds, including the 20 pound turkey he's eatin.. G.I SLOW!
("Eat It" blares out as G. I Slow begins to waddle down the aisle.)
Scuzz: An' his opponent.. weighin' in at 213 pounds.. GOFFER!
(The Love Theme from "Super Ninja Demon-Hunting Matrix Tank Police" plays.. (One of the more obscure animes..) Goffer sprints down the aisle, passing G.I Slow en route.)
MM: Goffer leaps into the ring.. the bell has potentially gone.. so I geuss this one is off and running!
SW: Really? G.I Slow isn't even half way down the ramp yet!
MM: This is true... The Generic Ref is starting a countout!
GR: ONE! TWO! THREE! THREE! THREE!
Goffer: Um, perhaps "Four" would be next?
GR: Thanks.. FOUR! FIVE! SIX!
MM: Slow is three-qyuaters of the way there! Will he make it in time? Gosh, this is exciting!
SW: Yeah... scintillating.
GR: SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE!...ummm.. what comes next?
Goffer: Ten, you moron! TEN!
MM: Slow is at ringside! Can he get in the ring?
GR: Oh, right.. TEN! Count-out! Count-out! Ring the bell.. well, fake it, then...
The Flunky: Ding ding ding!
GR: Thank you!
G.I Slow: Awww..nuts! And now I've got to walk all the way back! My check better clear this week!
MM: There you have it folks! Goffer advances to the semi-finals without even throwing a GO-GO-GOFFER punch!
SW: Ahhh, BOB! Screwjobs at their finest! What next, is "Kermit" going to get hit by a car on the way down the aisle?
MM: Nice idea, Scotty, but I've got the feeling business is about to... increase drasticlly!
SW: You need to work on your catchphrases, Mikey!
Scuzz: This match is th' final first round thingee, scheduled for one fall.. innerducin'.. ART TERRY!
("Spill The Blood" plays again as the second Universal Donor makes his entrance.)
Scuzz: An' his opponent... "KERMIT"!!
("Scooby Snacks" plays as the oddly-masked fugitive heads to the ring.. the reaction for both grapplers is underwhelming.)
MM: Now, this should be one terrific match! They lock up in the center of the ring with a good old collar-and-elbow tie-up! Armdrag takedown by Art! Kermit back up instantly.. and he's on the receiving end of a jumping headbutt from the Donor! Side Russian leg-sweep and "Kermit" goes down again! Elbow drop to the sternum! Another! And another! Art is really taking care of The frog-faced warrior.. whip to the ropes.. Baaaaaaack body drop! Art to the ropes... Asahi Moonsault! But "Kermit" gets the knees up! Nice counter! What a match, huh Scotty?
SW: Yeah, sure... Wake me when it's over, okay?
MM: Nice high knee from "Kermit"! Savatt.. savet.. French Kickboxing thrust kick! "Kermit" snapmares Art over and slaps on a chinlock... he's trying to wear down the Donor with this one.. which gives us a great chance to plug our big crowd-pulling bouts! Don't forget.. Justin Voss versus Viet Kong is our HUUUUuuggge Main event.. not to mention SMP and Neige Thirteen in the Electrified Cage Match! All coming up at "Titlepalooza"! It's the greatest spectacle in BOB history! The best Pay Per View we could afford! The most fantastic.. oh, and apparently there was a pinfall in there somewhere! I wonder who won? Scotty, were you paying attention?
SW: Hwmmpph... wha'? Is it over? I was having such a nice dream...
MM: GBH? Who won that one?
GBH: Duhhh.. da funny man counted to tree.. hur hur hur...
MM: Sorry about that folks.. we'll update you as soon as we can! We'll just take a quick intermission and be right back...
SW: An intermission? Oh, no! I ordered thet "Monster Bash" last month! We could be here for weeks!! NOOOoooo...
(Cut to a test pattern)
©1999 BOB Wrestling!
Part Two: Later That Same Evening...
A few more fireworks welcome us back to the LittleDome. A sweeping crowd shot shows four fans holding up signs that read "What Day Is It?". We pick up Scott, Mike and GBH at the announce position. Scotty is trying to remove Pizza Hut boxes from the tabletop.
MM: Welcome back folks! And you've joined us just in time for a very special match, signed during the intermission! Dennis has the details!
Dennis: That's right, Mike! I'm here with the BOSS, who's overseeing the construction of the ring! BOSS, I can't help but notice it's less of a ring, and more of a wading pool filled with chocolate fudge sauce?
BB: Nice spotting, Dennis! This match is going to be a cracker! Here, read this... Scuzz is in the bathroom.
Dennis: Oh, very well.. *ahem*.. This match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, accompianed for no apparent reason by Xenomorph... XXXTREME!
(The latest member of Jobbers Inc. makes his appearance to "XXXtreme" from Pigsnort Octopus, the garage band. The crowd is almost comatose.. don't worry, this'll wake 'em up...)
Dennis: And his opponent.. from North Carolina.. weighing 119 pounds... NURRRRRSE HEIDI!
Unbelievably titanic pop as "Centerfold" by the J. Giels Band plays. Heidi walks out, in a black leather bikini. This should push those all-important buy rates up for the encore screening...)
MM: Now this is a little low-brow, don't you think, Scotty? A co-ed chocolate sauce match?
SW: Hey, no complaints here..
GBH: Duhhh.. pretty!
MM: The ref has called for the bell.. hopeful, isn't he? Anyway, this match is officially under way! XXtreme and Heidi circling each other, both looking for an opportunity.. and there's a regulation collar-and-elbow tie-up! XXXtreme gains the upper hand and hip-tosses Heidi into the fudge! Nice move! The crowd is really getting into this one!
SW: YEAHHHHH! WOOO! ALL RIGHT!
MM: Or maybe it's just Scotty.. anyway, Heidi regains a vertical base and is laying some chops in on XXXtreme! Reverse legsweep! XXtreme goes face first into the chocolate! Elbowdrop to the back of his head! She scoops him up and there's a nice airplane spin! Round and round he goes.. and Heidi deposits him back in the sauce! A version of the Bronco Buster now! Oh, for heavens sake, Scotty, you're steaming up the monitor.. Sit back a little!
SW: Sorry.. Can we get a closer shot than that?
MM: You're a sad, lonely little man, Scotty... XXtreme tries to reverse the momentum by raking the eyes! Full Nelson.. and sweeps the legs out from under her! Another facefull of topping for Heidi! She rolls onto her back.. LOWBLOW! XXXtreme felt that one! He gropes blindly for support..
SW: HEY! Get your hands off those...
MM: OH MY GOD!! Did you see what just happened?
SW: See it? Man, I aint blinking till this match is over! YEAAAAAAHH!
GBH: Hur hur hur... yurrr!
MM: XXXtreme just inadvertantly ripped Heidis' top off! The crowd is going bananas! XXXtreme is stunned.. FLYING BODYPRESS by Heidi!!! The Ref is down to count.. 1..2..3!!! It's over! Let's go to Dennis for the official word!
Dennis: Humina humina humina humina...
MM: ...Or possibly not! What a turn of events! XXXtreme tries to quit, becomes a jobber and ends up losing a match to a chocolate-covered topless nurse!
SW: That lucky son-of-a-BLEEP...
MM: I couldn't agree more, Scotty! Well, it woke the fans up again.. so let's keep things rolling as we continue the Pan-Galactic Tournament!
Scuzz: This semi-final match in th' tournament is set for one fall... innerducing.. The "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Champ.. BIRDBOY... And his opponent.. PZREMSLTHINGEE!!
(The Krapterian National Anthem (as sung by Lenny Kravitz) plays as both men enter... I knew we shouldn't have written all that information on the same card.. Scuzz has a problem with punctuation...)
MM: Birdboy and Pzremslwvk jockying for room on the ramp... and this match looks like it's starting in the aisle! Pzremslwvk just leveled Birdboy with a massive forearm shot! He hooks up the legs.. catapult into the stairs! Birboy looks groggy! And the big Krapterian adds injury to insult as he slams Birdboys face into the ringpost! Double axehandle to the back! A scoop.. Death Valley driver through a convieniently-located table!
SW: Pzremslwvks getting hardcore!! He's got a chair! Wham! He's got the timekeepers table!! WHam! He's got the timekeeper!! WHAM!!!
MM: Keep up those "whams", Scotty.. I'm sure we'll get our "Bump Amplification" Mikes next week!
SW: We better!
MM: Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that we have a replay of Pzreslwvk's victory over "Cap" Larrie! Let's take a look and see how he did it!
(The producer gives us a shot of the three commentators studying their monitors for a few seconds...)
MM: ....And there you have it! Pretty inventive stuff from Pzremslwvk! Any comments Scotty?
SW: Actually, I think the pictures told the whole story, Mike!
MM: They sure did! Now, back to the match at hand...
Scuzz: Here is yo winna.. and NEWWWWWWW "AYOOYFM" Hardcore champion... PZREMSLWVK!!
MM: What the hell? It's over? How did he get the win this time? Scotty?
SW: Don't look at me... GBH?
MM: Maybe that guy who keeps infiltrating the Rant Zone is right.. we DO suck!
SW: Hey, -BLEEP- 'em if they can't take a joke, Mikey!
MM: Good call... on to the second semi-fianl.. Goffer is on his way to the ring to "Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang.. the crowd is still pretty hyped from the Nurse Heidi/XXXtreme Machine match so he's getting a rousing reception!
SW: But who the heck is he wrestling? Who won that first round match?
("Spill the Blood" blares out over the LitleDomes' speakers.)
MM: Well, that answers that question.. Art Teery is on his way to the ring! Goffer meets him at the apron with a baseball slide! Art stumbles back to the guard rail! Goffer sringboards to the top turnbuckle and launches a suicidal plancha! Wow! They're battling on the outside now!
SW: Thus allowing our ring crew time to set up the cage for the Plants/Neige Thirteen match... Nice suplex into the cheap seats there by Art!
MM: Well, most seats were cheap for this Pay-Per-View, but a nice metaphor anyway, Scotty! The two men are brawling away in the crowd, almost directly behind our announce position now! They're heading back towards ringside.. Here they come.. hey, look out.. Art, no, don't throw him over the barrier!!!
GBH: Duhhh... you okay, Scotty?
GBH: Duhh.. Mike?
MM: ........isn't wor...a new headse....mn...
GBH: Oh, goody goody.. I gets to call da match.. hur hur hur.. Lemme see.. duhh.. Dat bloody fellas' go dat little guy in der ring and is kicking him.. kick, kick kick... and he picks him up for a twisty-slammy thing.. but dat little guy gets up and gives him a poke in der eyes.. scoop an' a jumpy-whacky kinda thing.. an' now he's stomping all over the bloody guy.. stomp stomp stomp.. hur hur.. an' he does some sorta twisty head-hurty thing.. an' da ref counts.. one.. two... durrr.. lots... an da little guy wins! Yeah.
MM: Oh, my head.. we apologise for that folks.. Hopefully that will be the only time GBH ever does the play-by-play... To recap, Goffer advances to the finals after a.. *ahem*.. "Twisty Head-Hurty" Thing and will meet his own tag partner, Pzremslwvk for the Pan-Galactic Belt!
SW: Can we get to a match that people actually WANT to see now?
MM: I don't see why not! Take it away, Dennis!
SW: Dennis? Did Scuzz fall asleep again?
Dennis: This match is the SUPER-GRUDGE MATCH! Introducing first... The Fighting Snowman.. The man who put the "oo" in cool... The Man for whom no number can be written in digits.... NEIGE THIRRRRRRRTEEEEN!!
("Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow" plays as the albino grappler strides to the ring... the crowd gives a medicocre pop... so much for a big crowd-puller...)
Dennis: And his opponent.. The Heeliest Heel in Heeldom... The Sinister Surgeon... SILLICONNNE MMMMMMMMMM PLANNNNNTS!
(The shouty Henry Rollins remake of "Smooth Operator" pounds out as S.M.P makes his appearance... He pauses to inspect the cage and survey the arena before entering. Huge Heel pop... is that an oxymoron? Well, you know what I mean, I'm sure..)
MM: This should be a tremendous match....NO NEED TO ASK.... Both men are fighting for pride....'CAUSE HE'S A SMOOTH OPERATOR!.... not to mention the fact that S.M.P is....COAST TO COAST.... risking his entire career.... L.A TO CHICAGO.... can we lose the playback, please? That song is deafening!
SW: It's got a good beat, though...
MM: These two parody veterans sizing each other up here! The ring crew attach the last of the cables to the bars, pumping as much power as they could muster into the steel! Anyone touching those will get a painful shock.. and these two will have to try to climb out! This will be the ultimate test of their courage!
SW: I still think we should have made this a "Hell In a Cell" match...
MM: Yes.. the BigBOSS was surpringly resistant to that idea.. I'm sure he had a reason, though.. And listen to the crowd coma alive as Neige and Plants tie it up in the middle of the ring! An Italian arm drag gives Plants the early advantage! He slaps a crossface on Neige.. reversal by the PO'ed Snowman..snapemare escape from the Silky Surgeon!
GBH: Duhh.. an' Neige does a leg-sweepy thing to the doc.. and dere's a legdrop!
SW: Oh, great, there's no shutting the big goof up now!
MM: I don't know, he's better than that Oklahoma guy... do you think he finds that bad impersonation funny?
SW: Well if he does, he's the only one... nice kip-up by Neige!
GBH: Head-Bangy Thingy! Head-Bangy Thingy!
MM: Indeed! Whip to the ropes..duck-down.. and a beautiful Lou Thesz Press from Plants! He's whaling away at Neige! Back to his feet.. Springboard Splash! Nice move! Plants is up... he's heading for the door!
SW: Ouch! It aint gonna be easy getting out of there! Plants has got a case of the nerve twitches!
MM: Neige siezes the moment and drops Plants with a hangmans neckbreaker! He's on the second turnbuckle.. steps up to the top rope and launches a senton splash! Great skills! Pump-handle into a powerslam! And a Northern Lights powerbomb! He picks up Plants and begins a series of German Suplexes! One, Two, Three of them... and there's a fourth..
SW: Five, six seven.. eight.. there's such a thing as milking the gag, Snowman! Oh, an inverted atomic drop to releive the monotony! Hooray! And Neige is attempting to climb out of the cage!
FWW-ZAPP! BZZZT! ZAPPP!
MM: Without much success I might add...
NT: YOWCH! Whose lousy idea was this, anyway?
MM: Plants is back to his feet.. he plucks Neige off the bars.. SCALPELS EDGE!! Neige bounced a foot off the mat! Both men are down.. who's got the most left? Neige rises unsteadily... wait what's happening?
("The Ride of the Valkyries" played on a electric guitar begins to play over the sound system... a spotlight is switched on, revealing a caped, masked figure in the vicinty of the LittleDomes roof.)
MM: MY GOD! Is that.. Kamikazie Ken? It IS!! The former Whatever Wrestling Federation "You Gotta Be Kidding, I Aint Doing That" Champ! He's in the rafters... LOOK OUT BELOW! A Plancha from the roof!! Neige has nowhere to go!!!
(Add your own sound effects of destruction right about...wait for it... NOW!)
MM: GOOD LORD! Ken just drove Neige straight through the mat! Half the ring has been destroyed!! And the cage is collapsing! Three of the walls topple into the hole left by Ken!
BZZZZZZT!! ZAP! ZAP! FWWWW-ZAP!
MM: Plants rises from amidst the destruction.. and simply steps out of the remains of the ring! Plants wins! Plants wins! Why, Ken, Why?
SW: I think you'll have to ask him that when he regains conciousness...
MM: We'll need another break to repair the ring.. but don't go away.. we'll be back with our final two matches very shortly! Honest!
Part Three: The End's In Sight!
(One last firework goes off as we return to the LittleDome for the final time. Scotty and Mike are still at the table. GBH is no longer present, but his boots can be seen sticking out from under the table, and deep snores are heard.)
MM: WELCOME back! Again! Our ring crew has done a superb job repairing the ring after the spectacular conclusion to the Neige Thirteen/Sillicone M. Plants.. after which SMP was seen slipping a check into the pocket of Kamikazie Ken..
SW: Yep! She was a bit of a set-up, huh Mike?
MM: I'll say! But let's leave that behind and head up to the ring for our final two matches! Right now, it's Goffer versus Pzremslwvk for the Pan-Galactic Title! Which of the Tag-team partners will prevail!
Scuzz: Ladies an' gennemen.. this is th' final of the Pan-Galactic Tournament.. innerducin' first.. PZREMSLWVK!
(Big pop as the current Hardcore and Tag Team Champ enters.. he is waving the grey on grey Krapterian flag.)
Scuzz: An' now, Pzremslwvk would like you all to rise, as he sings the Krapterian National Anthem.
(An instrumental version of the Krapterian National Anthem plays as Pzremslwvk sings...)
P: *ahem*... Pkransml hrurfzolr ruutm, ylknwcda ahsnya nnnhhh! Ishvxr gushtup lusoprr, nhur floxmir poshtur urrrr...
(Ten minutes later....)
...Nush rinhz wusghckor em suirrrrrrr... ush mr weeeenns moo-larrrrr zcccccczaaaaagggggggrrrrrrr!!!
MM: Well, that was.. interesting..
SW: Where was Hacksaw Jim Duggan when you need him? Twenty-seven verses? No wonder Krapteria is banned from entering the Olympics!
Scuzz: Whuuu? Huh? Is it ova? 'Kay.. an' his opponent.. GOFFER!
(Goffer runs in to "Good Vibrations" by The Beach Boys.. looks like the music guys are playing CD roulette...)
MM: Okay.. here we go with the match of the century! The Battle of the Titans.. The.. aww, let's not kid ourselves..
SW: Way to feign excitement, Mike!
MM: Sorry.. I just want things to finish.. I feel like I've been here for months! And here we go... Collar-and-elbow tie-up.. shove by Goffer! Pzremslwvk bounces off the ropes and floors Goffer with a big elbow! Elbow-drop! Another! And another! And another.. *yawn*.. and one more..
MM: Goffer kips up and drops another elbow on the recumbent Krapterian!
SW: What was that noise?
MM: What noise? Nice elbow drop from Goffer...
SW: There it goes again! Move over.. I wanna see the monitor..
SW: What? "Goffer once entered the New York Marathon dressed as a gorilla"..
SW: "He never finished, due to being mugged." Mike, what the heck is this?
MM: Welll.. the BigBOSS sold some time to Pop-Up Video to cover the arena rental costs..
SW: What's that say?
MM: Umm.. "Scotty Whatbody once ran a floating crap game in Brooklyn"..
SW: HEY! That's a lie!
MM: "He has 147 outstanding parking tickets."
SW: Quit it! This is Bull-BLEEP-t!! I am not gay!
Goffer: Excuse me? Is anyone interested in this match?
MM: That's interesting.. "65% of matches in Parody Feds are insufficently called by the announce team"... I'd say that's about right..
SW: What? "The First-Ever Pan-Galactic tournament was won by Pzremslwvk with a roll-up on his tag-team partner, Goffer.".. I don't remember that..
MM: ROLL-UP BY PZREMSLWVK!! 1..2...3!!!! It's over! We have our first-ever Pan-Galactic Champion!!
SW: Now, that's not true.. I think a lot more than 38% of our audience will be demanding their money back after that match!
MM: You're probably right! Wait up! Here come the BigBOSS!
BB: All right, what's happening here? Pzremslwvk, how many titles have you got? Tag Team, Hardcore and The Pan-Galactic? That's too many for one man! Give me the "AYOOYFM" belt! I'm stripping you of the titl..
MM: OOH! He gave it to him all right! Right between the eyes!
BB: Okay.. on second thoughts... keep the belts.. well done, my friend.. now did anyone get the number of the truck that just hit me? (THUMP!)
MM: Well, as the BigBOSS is hauled out of here, we'll go up to our Token Celebrity Ring Announcer, Neil Diamond, for our Main Event!
ND: This contest is the Bamboo Cage Match for the Swiss Army Belt.. and it is for one fall.. introducing.. the challenger... from Vietnam... VIETTTT KONNNNNG!
(The Charlies Angels remake blasts out over the speakers as the mammoth multi-fingered monstrosity makes his way to the squared circle.. a light rain of trash patters off his torso as he passes.)
ND: And his opponent... The Swiss Army Belt Champion.. "THE STEREOTYPED FACE, JUSTINNNNNNNN VOSSSS!"
(The ubiquitous "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands" is sung as Justin Voss makes a long-lonnng-awaited appearance. He pauses to do the little "fingers-in-the-cheeks-and-wiggle-the-head" thing he's well-known for.. The crowd goes ballistic.)
MM: The Main Event is HERE!! Let's hope it lives up to expectations!
SW: What? And ruin a perfect record?
MM: Neil Diamond clears out of the ring as Voss appproaches! He pauses at the door to the cage! Listen to the thunderous cheers of the crowd! Kong walks over to the door... OH! An enormous kick slams the door into Voss's face! Justin almost ended up in the crowd!
SW: I guess we're underway!
MM: No kidding! Voss staggers back to his feet.. Kong meets him out on the floor and delivers a big firemans carry takedown! What power! Kong is practically stalking the champ! Rams him into the exterior of the cage! That'll leave splinters! A scoop.. and a slam on the floor! Voss tries to fire back with a forearm shot.. Kong shrugs it off and drags Voss to the ramp! He's setting up for a piledriver!! Here he goes.. block by Voss!! Another attempt! Blocked again! BACCCKbodydrop!! Kong lands on the steel with an echoing clang! Voss finally has the opportunity to catch his breath! Viet Kong rises to his feet! He lumbers towards Voss.. Voss catches him with a thrust kick!! Follows up with a clothesline! Kong tumbles off the ramp and ends up in a pile of cables!
MM: Nice input, Scotty..
SW: I just like the fans to know I'm still here, Mike..
MM: Voss pauses to soak in the applause.. and then launches a flying elbow-drop off the ramp! Wow! What action! Kong gets a little assistance from "Charlie" as he climbs out of the cables.. Charlie has a bamboo cane.. Justin better watch out!
SW: He better not cry.. he better not pout!
MM: And to think that line was relevant before this Pay-Per-View started... He'd better duck, though...
MM: Too late! Right over the head! The ref can't do a thing!
SW: No DQ's, No countouts.. this is right up Kongs alley!
MM: Kong takes over with the cane.. He's brutalising the champ with it! Voss covers up.. oh, baby! He literally broke the cane over the Voss-mans back! The two of them heading back towards ringside now.. Kong whips Voss towards the cage.. Voss goes in head-first! Staggers back.. OH! Back-elbow out of NOWHERE!
SW: Rocked the big man, but he's still on his feet! Where the hell is Voss going?
MM: He's climbing the outside of the cage! Kong follows him! They're going to the roof! This is going to get intense! Neil Diamond throws Voss a chair to add to the mayhem! Voss accepts it gratefully! WHAM! Kong takes a huge shot to the head! He still manages to haul himself onto the cages' roof! Can anything stop this monster?! Voss winds up again... BOOM!
SW: Kong just won't go down! Hit him again, champ!!
MM: Voss looks like he's going to take your advice.. WHAM!! Kong is driven back to the cages edge.. he's losing his balance.. his arms pinwheeling wildly... Oh.. SH-CRUNCHHH!!!
GBH: Duhhh.. what was dat? Whut hitted me?
SW: I think you'll find that was Viet Kong, GBH.. You still with us, Mike?
MM: Only just! That was just amazing!! Voss salutes the crowd from the top of the ring..
CREAKK! SNAP!! THUD!!
MM: Oops! That flimsy bamboo cage just couldn't hold Voss's weight! He crashes through the roof and into the ring! Both men are down, and looking hurt! Charlie is dragging Kong out of the remains of our table... There's the advantage of having a manager, I suppose.. He rolls Kong into the ring and the door has been locked! And the match finally moves inside the cage!
SW: About time! Now, let's get busy!
MM: GORILLA PRESSLAM by Kong! There goes the ring again! Voss crashes down through to the floor! Kong covers..1..2..THREE!!
ND: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWWW "Swiss Army Belt" Champion... VIETTTT KONGGGG!
MM: Kong wins! Kong wins!! Dark times are ahead for BOB!!
SW: Whatever.. I'm just glad we finished this thing before the end of the millenium!
MM: Well, for Scotty Whatbody and GBH, I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, saying so long, and thanks for ordering "TITLE-PALOOZA!
©1999 BOB Wrestling!