Skeeter: Hey, here we go again with another BOB "DVD Commentary"...
Leary: Indeedy. BOB's first venture into the world of low-budget pay-per-view.
Skeeter: I'm Steve "Skeeter" Skeet, owner of BOB and certified Schmuck who doesn't know when to quit...
Leary: And I'm John Leary, Web guru and complete outsider to this period of BOB. So I'm pretty much watching this just as a fan. And even though I'm an outsider here, I'll try and refrain from saying 'Hey yo' too much.
Skeeter: *laugh* That won't stop him drinking, though.
Leary: Yep, just delay the inevitable. *Gulping sound*
Leary: Ah, there's the crossed out "A" I had mentioned in one of the other commentaries. Nice whoopsie on a logo. Who designed that bad ass logo?
Skeeter: Thinking back, I'm almost certain that was Marty from the Whatever Wrestling Fed. I think Justin Voss did a logo or two, so it *might* have been him. If either of those two want to e-mail and confirm, we'll get back to you.
PART ONE: IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...
Skeeter: A classic "Peanuts" tagline, of course.
Leary: And speaking of logos, I never did ask who made the famous BOB logo. Was that also possibly Marty?
Skeeter: That's a very good question...That may have been Justin, actually. I remember hold a contest for Logo Ideas, and I got a grand total of two submissions.
Leary: It still works for me. I doubt I'll ever even try to change that. Unlike the Web site, which I've changed, what, seven times in two years? *Laugh*
Skeeter: More than I ever tried to do.
A rousing burst of left-over July 4th fireworks welcomes us to The LittleDome. The place is packed.. it's our first ever sold-out arena! (Although the LittleDome's capacity is only around 600... but still.. it's a SELL-OUT crowd!) A veritable forest of signs is raised as we pan the crowd. Security can be seen, removing "What? No TNM?" signs from some fans at ringside. Eventually we pick up Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, Scotty Whatbody and GBH at ringside.)
Leary: TNM is the most despised wrestling simulator in the world.
Skeeter: Yep, and that's one of my first on-card shots at Oliver Copps "TNM" Wrestling Simulator. Very, VERY strange program. Good for a laugh for a few minutes, boring as all get out after that. I did once have Barry Horowitz beat the Undertaker with a roll-up in 36 seconds, though. Laughed my ass off about that for the rest of the afternoon.
Leary: Though we always do enjoy those arm grapevine submissions.
Skeeter: I personally designed the little "TNM FREE ZONE" logo on the original site. Took me about four minutes.
MM: WELCOME EVERYONE... to SEND US MONEY... TITLE-PALOOZA!!! The greatest wrestling spectacular in BOB's brief history! This should be a fantastic night, Scotty.
SW: That's for sure Mikey! Listen to that crowd! I can hardly hear myself think!
MM: That shouldn't be a problem for GBH, though.. Nice to have you back with us!
GBH: Duhh.. yuh... fanks.
Skeeter: Three exclaimation marks.. that's probably about the maximum you should use for you commentators.
Leary: Unless somebody gets blowed up.
Skeeter: Yep, but Insano Mano was still at least 18 months away from doing that.
Leary: And even then he only warranted about two exclamation points.
Skeeter: These days, getting anally raped doesn't get you so much as a raised voice.
MM: Sorry to hear that Mensa rejected your application, GBH.
SW: The fact that he had trouble using the door handle at his interview probably counted against him...
Leary: GBH's intellect is based on him getting hit in the head a lot during his wrestling career, right?
Skeeter: Yep... Kind of like Comas' insanity. Imagine if Mike Tyson took chair shots as WELL as getting punched every night. That's probabaly what he'd sound like.
Skeeter: Although I get the feeling GBH was no Rhodes Scholar to begin with.
Skeeter: *laugh* We never throw out a decent catchphrase in BOB...
MM: Well folks, we've got some exclusive footage to show you now.. it happened right before we came on air. This occured during the weigh-in for S.M.P and Neige Thirteen!
Leary: A weigh in for a wrestling event. Now that's a bit different.
Skeeter: Yeah, I needed a backstage area, so I stole from boxing. Beats the old "Whoops, just happened to be a camera here" type of clash. J and Christian feuding seemed like a logical step at the time, since they clashed a LOT in real life. Probably a bad idea in retrospect, though. It got pretty nasty after a while.
Leary: J had that talent to turn things nasty, especially on the boards. He would rip into anything and everything.
Skeeter: Yep... There's an incident coming up where there were flames and firings... and I was on holiday! never even found out about it until I came home and found half the roster was on the verge of walking out.
(Cut to a backstage area. Several reporters are present, along with Dennis.)
Dennis: Neige Thirteen, any comments about your match tonight?
Leary: Several reporters at a BOB show. Yep, this is a parody show alright.
Skeeter: Dennis appears on-screen for the first time! He was the only staff member with a physical description in his bio. I was going to do one for each guy, but never got around to it.
N13: Gundamn right I've got some comments... Plants, you're going down! I don't care how many favours the BOSS owes you... I WILL beat you tonight!
SMP: Yeah, right! And if you do... I'll hang up my boots and retire on the spot!
Skeeter: "Gundam" was about the only anime reference of Neiges' I got... It's from the series 'Gundam Wing', which is a typical mecha-show.
Leary: Hope SMP has a no jobbing clause that works against Neige.
Skeeter: Well, as most fans know, a "retirement" clause ina wrestling match that doesn't cover both guys... pretty much guarantees a huge screwjob.
Dennis: Are you serious, old chap? You would walk away from the squared circle if you lose tonight?
SMP: Damn straight! I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror if I lose to this guy, let alone face my legions of fans! I say again.. if I lose tonight.. I will RETIRE!
Skeeter: ESPECIALLY when the possible retiree is the biggest face or heel in the company.
Leary: Was Neige supposed to be a face here? Or could you not even figure that out?
Skeeter: I classed him as a heel, although he always played the face in his promos. I just couldn't see anyone cheering for him, really. Or figuring out what he was talking about.
N13: YEAH! You heard it, people! You're looking at the man who's about to put SMP out of wrestling FOR GOOD!
Dennis: Well, things are getting more interesting by the minute! Back to you Mike..
MM: Amazing scenes there.. SMP is now facing retirement if he can't beat Niege Thirteen in the Electrified Cage match!
Leary: A cage match invovling one of J's characters. I'm just shocked.
Skeeter: And not just a cage... an Electrified cage match... that's a very "me" stipualtion. But yes, J does love his cage matches. It's a bit of a trend.. J does cages, I do Battle Royals and Leary does the five-alarm bladejob affairs.
SW: Oh, yeah! it's gonna be one hell of a night!
GBH: Duhh.. yeah... hur hur hur..
MM: So let's kick things off with the first round matches in the Pan Galactic Tournament! Over to you, Scuzz!
Skeeter: Oops, a "yeah", not a "yur". I was a little inconsistent, obviously.
Leary: It's alright. GBH is nothing if not inconsistently inconsistent. Or would that be consistently inconsistent?
Skeeter: I have NO idea at all *laugh* Now because of the "tournament" format, I actually wrote this card in three parts... I'm guessing it's still shorter than one of you average 2003 cards, though.
Scuzz: Ladies, an' gennemen.. this is a first round match in th' Pan-Galactic tournament.. an' it's also for the "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Belt.. innerducing first... weigin' in at 303 pounds..THE DOMINO!
(The "Domino Rally" advertising jingle plays as the previously-masked man walks to the ring. The Flunky is behind him, hauling the Big Dumpster O' Weapons)
Skeeter: Okay, time I asked *you* a question... what WAS "Domino Rally"?
Leary: If I'm not mistaken, it was a set of dominoes that you set up and then knocked over. I think it came sort of like if you had a racing track for toy cars, it was sort of like that for the dominoes in that game. But we're going back plenty of years, so I may be wrong.
Skeeter: Designed for kids who didn't have a flat piece of linoleum floor, obviously.
Leary: I guess. I think it was sort of dominoes with loops and all sorts of twists, turns, ups and downs.
Skeeter: Okay, that sounds fairly cool. I'll have to look it up sometime.
Scuzz: And his opponent.. from Parts Unadmitted.. The "WWF Glory" Champion".... BIRDBOY!
(Big pop for the former sub-superstar as he runs to the ring with Mr Pecker.)
Skeeter: "Mr. Pecker" was a pigeon, in case anyone is worried...
Leary: Birdboy a holdover character of yours from the Whatever Wrestling Federation?
Skeeter: Nope, he was a WWF guy, but not one of mine. Possibly Martys', although the old synapses are fading a bit these days. I always liked the guys who came from "Parts Unknown", by the way. I imagined them all going home together after the show in the same van.
Leary: And I think you mentioned the problem with this stipulation in the last Mayhem commentary. Wasn't putting the hardcore belt into the mix going to cause a double champion here?
Skeeter: It sure was... in the end it turned into a TRIPLE champion if I remember rightly.
MM: Well, this should be.. a match..
SW: Way to be enthustiastic, Mike.. WHOA! I think this one is under way early!
MM: It sure is.. I never even saw The Domino get that mini-toaster oven ready!
Skeeter: I always prefer to use fairly unique hardcore weapons if possible. I nearly went batshit on the Schmucks sit reviewing match after match that involved a sledgehammer.
Leary: Oh yes, I remember that indeed. I ended up sending a shout out to you in some match I wrote, where somebody hit somebody else with a Not Keith brand sledgehammer.
Skeeter: I was also parodied on a WTFL Pay-Per-View card when a fat Canadian heckled the wrestlers for using a sledge.
SW: That's the advantage of having the first intro, Mikey! First pick of the weapons!
MM: Birdboy staggers to his feet after that blindside attack! Pickup and slam from Domino! Measures Birdboy for a big fistdrop... and nails him! The Flunky throws The Domino a pair of cymbals.. OOH! That's gotta smart!
SW: But he's getting a nice sound out of Birdboys head... John Phillip Sousa would be proud!
Leary: Man, I just thought of a God-awful pun Scotty could have used there. Something along the lines of well, that was cymbalic.
Skeeter: *laugh* Yep, that's pretty bad, all right. Wonder why *I* didn't think of it?
GBH: Duhhh.. funny!
Skeeter: GBH is actually following the match... that's pretty impressive for him.
Leary: GBH is kind of like Nash or Hogan, except with words instead of wrestling move variety.
MM: The Flunky tosses The Domino a cast-iron frypan! Why is he helping the Domino? Do you think The Domino paid the Flunky off?
SW: That's my guess.. it's all about the Benjamins, baby! Especially when you're working for BOB!
Skeeter: I never really did delevop the Flunkys' mercanary nature enough. On the wages he was getting, he should have been eager to do just about anything for cash.
Leary: And that was different from the rest of the roster how?
Skeeter: True, true.
MM: Birdboy has rolled to the floor to escape this frenzied attack by The Domino! Domino chases his out, though... swings the frypan.. And Birdboy ducks at the last second! Domino hit the post! The shock of that impact must have gone all the way up Dominos arms! This could turn the tide!
SW: Let's see how hardcore Birdboy can get!
MM: Birdboy launches a spinning heel kick! Reverse inziguri! Rapid-fire puches drive the Domino up the aisle..
SW: Here comes the Flunky from behind! He's got the collected works of William Shakespeare!
Leary: And that is a pretty thick book. I sense an impending tragedy also, for some odd reason...
Skeeter: The Three Concussions of verona.
MM: In hardback, too! WHAM! Birdboy never saw that coming! Once more into the breach.. or at least, once more onto Birdboys cranium!
SW: Et tu, Flunky?
Skeeter: That's probably the first and last time Scotty is the least bit cultural in his commentary...
Leary: Yep, I think so. And I'm sure he was only reading that line and didn't know what it really meant.
Skeeter: "E.T Two? They made a sequel?"
Leary: *Laugh* Either that or he thought he should sneeze.
MM: Domino drags Birdboy to his feet... Running Bulldog down the ramp! A cover.. and a kickout at two! The Domino looks frustrated.. he's gone back to the dumpster! He's found a bag of assorted Pokemon products!
SW: More anime referencing? That Neige Thirteen guy has got a lot to answer for...
Leary: Pokemon stuff in a dumpster. Right where they belong.
Skeeter: One of Neiges' oddest traits was getting angry if you typed "13" instead of "Thirteen" in his name. I was pretty good at avoiding it, but J did a great job of doing it deliberately to bait him.
MM: Domino has this match in total control! Look at him brutalising Birboy with those pirate DVD's of the Pokemon movie! WAIT... INSIDE CRADLE by BIRDBOY! 1..2..3! It's over!
SW: WHAT? An inside cradle? In a Hardcore Match? That sucked! That bites! That's.. BOB personified, I guess...
Skeeter: I've got no idea why I cut the match off like that. Probably wanted to get the whole show written and posted before Christmas.
Leary: Also in there, you see an efed phenomenon NOBODY can explain. Anytime a referee counts, the count is always done in numeral form. I think J made fun of that in one of his cards later on, but I have always found that odd. Even I do it, and I've always done it, and I have no idea why.
Skeeter: Just one of those conventions, guess. The worst for me were the "serious" feds that insisted on having eighteen blank lines between counts. 1..................... 2........................ I downloaded a card once and removed all the gaps. Reduced the cards size by a third.
Scuzz: Here is yo' winner.. and NEWWWW "AYOOYFM" Champion.. BIRDBOY!
MM: What an unbelievable start!
SW: I'll say..
GBH: Duhh.. whut happened? Duhhh.. huh?
Skeeter: GBH's attention span reminds me of my niece. She's nearly two, and can either foucs on one inconsequential thing for a hour, or get bored with something cool in three minutes.
Leary: Mike, again veering into Schiavoni territory here. It's funny later on that Mike got replaced by somebody far more nauseating in Mark Shill, who is rumored to be Tony anyhow. But now even Monroe makes fun of Shill's shilling. Kinda how on Buffy The Vampire Slayer when Giles became cool at the arrival of Wesley. And I can't believe I beat Steve to the first mention of Buffy in these commentaries.
Skeeter: Man, and I was saving that for the arrival of Sarah the Jobber Slayer. Too late now, i guess. *laugh*
Leary: Well, when you got two big Buffy marks, it's bound to come up in some form sooner than later.
MM: I'll explain later, GBH... Let's keep things rolling!
Scuzz: The Pan-Galactic tournament continues, wit' this first round match.. right? Innerducin'... "CAP" AL LARRIE!
("Spill The Blood" plays as Larrie enters the arena along with "Bloody" Mary. Boos aplenty..)
Skeeter: The Donors were heels in name only. I honestly don't think they ever DID anything overly heelish. They just wanted to collect blood. If they were vampires who worked at a bloodbank, sure that might have been heelish.
Leary: Now there's a solid gimmick if ever I heard one. Jot that one down.
Skeeter: So noted.
Scuzz: An' his oponent.. one half of th' "YGHF" Tag Team Champions.. PZRM..PSZR.. That big guy wit' th' sheep..
(The Krapterian National Anthem, "We're Krapterians, So There!" plays as Pzremslwvk and Kritch head down to ringside.)
Leary: Kritch is the sheep, yeah?
Skeeter: He was... I always liked that concept of a sheep being a guys manager. Possibly because I'm a New Zealander. Now, "You Gotta Have Friends" was a song, i think... can't remember who sung it, but it seemed appropriate as the tag team title name.
Leary: Yep, makes sense to me. I can't remember either who sang that song.
Skeeter: Speaking of song names, I kinda figured anyone living in a place called "Krapteria" would be fairly defensive about it. Hence the title.
MM: Both men in the ring now, and the Generic Ref calls for the bell..
(Cut to the Flunky who mimes hitting a bell, while holding a tapedeck up to a microphone.)
***Dubbed in bell rings.
Leary: Ah, that bell still just out of budget reach.
Skeeter: Now either the Flunky is multi-talented, or he's got four arms.
Leary: *Laugh* Now that IS impressive.
MM: ..and here we go! The winner of this one meets Birdboy..
***The same dubbed in bell rings.
Scuzz: Here is yo' winna.. PSZRMNTL...whateva..
Skeeter: Time of match: We didn't even start the stopwatch yet.
Leary: Oh, I remember laughing for a good minute the first time I saw this match.
Skeeter: Later on, I'd top that with matches that ended before the bell finished ringing.
MM: What the Hell happened? Scotty, insights?
SW: You're asking me? I was pouring myself a glass of water! GBH?
Leary: This was the first BOB show from this year I had that big belly laugh. This was the match that did it. I'd gotten plenty of laughs from the other shows, but this one just hit me as a great BOB moment.
Skeeter: Probably inspired by the super-short matches of the "Wrestlemania IV" tournament, which was the first WWF pay-per-view I ever saw on video.
SW: Forget I asked.. can we get a replay?
(We are treated to a replay of the Flunky pretending to hit the bell.)
Skeeter: That's a fairly nice "rim-shot" to the matches punch-line, I feel.
Leary: Absolutely. Nice capper indeed.
MM: Of the match? No? Sorry about that fans.. I guess only the fans who bought tickets will know what happened!
SW: Nice way to bring up the door sales, Mike!
MM: Thanks! Well, the next match should have more action.. Goffer versus G.I Slow!
Skeeter: Only a good commentator could use the term "action" and G.I Slow in the same sentence with a straight face.
Leary: Yep, Scotty should have been all over Mike there.
Scuzz: This match is for one fall.. innerducin'.. weighin' 689 pounds, including the 20 pound turkey he's eatin.. G.I SLOW!
("Eat It" blares out as G. I Slow begins to waddle down the aisle.)
Skeeter: Definitely the Christmas season...
Leary: Is this the first time you used an irrelevant bit of information in the introduction?
Skeeter: Umm, possibly, unless you could that bit about Bivalve wrestling for Xenomorph that I'm trying to pretend never happened.
Leary: I borrowed that idea many a times. It's just again taking something so mundane and having the ring announcer mention it as if it's important. I'd laugh my ass off if Lillian Garcia mentioned a turkey in her introduction.
Scuzz: An' his opponent.. weighin' in at 213 pounds.. GOFFER!
(The Love Theme from "Super Ninja Demon-Hunting Matrix Tank Police" plays.. (One of the more obscure animes..) Goffer sprints down the aisle, passing G.I Slow en route.)
Leary: I'm guessing that's a veiled shot at Neige.
Skeeter: Yep, although it's a pretty thin veil. I've never been a big fan of anime, apart from "Akira" and maybe "Ghost in the Shell". I love the frickin' bonkers names, though. I also like the implication that a show called "Super Ninja Demon-Hunting Matrix Tank Police" would HAVE a love theme.
MM: Goffer leaps into the ring.. the bell has potentially gone.. so I geuss this one is off and running!
SW: Really? G.I Slow isn't even half way down the ramp yet!
MM: This is true... The Generic Ref is starting a countout!
GR: ONE! TWO! THREE! THREE! THREE!
Leary: Ah, here's the GI Slow entrance I fell in love with. Getting counted out before he even reaches the ring.
Skeeter: Yep. All I needed was some game-show-like music to complete the effect.
Goffer: Um, perhaps "Four" would be next?
GR: Thanks.. FOUR! FIVE! SIX!
MM: Slow is three-qyuaters of the way there! Will he make it in time? Gosh, this is exciting!
SW: Yeah... scintillating.
Leary: Generic Ref doing pretty good counting here.
Skeeter: He's getting by with a little help from his Goffer, all right.
GR: SEVEN! EIGHT! NINE!...ummm.. what comes next?
Goffer: Ten, you moron! TEN!
MM: Slow is at ringside! Can he get in the ring?
Leary: And could the ring withstand his weight?
Skeeter: Dum dum dum dum dum DUM DUM DUMDUM DUMMMM......
GR: Oh, right.. TEN! Count-out! Count-out! Ring the bell.. well, fake it, then...
The Flunky: Ding ding ding!
GR: Thank you!
Leary: Flunky already gave up on the dubbed bell.
Skeeter: You can't over-use a joke... I might need to re-cycle it a year later.
Leary: Yep. BOB has always been a big supporter of recycling. In joke form, anyhow.
G.I Slow: Awww..nuts! And now I've got to walk all the way back! My check better clear this week!
MM: There you have it folks! Goffer advances to the semi-finals without even throwing a GO-GO-GOFFER punch!
SW: Ahhh, BOB! Screwjobs at their finest! What next, is "Kermit" going to get hit by a car on the way down the aisle?
Leary: Ah, this was the year Austin got hit by the car at Survivor Series.
Skeeter: Late '99. Yep, probably was. It just shows there's some angles too stupid even for us to rip-off.
Leary: Nah, I actually just now thought of a parody for that angle I'm gonna use sometime.
Skeeter: Excellent. The first angle devised during a DVD commentary! This is history in the making, folks.
MM: Nice idea, Scotty, but I've got the feeling business is about to... increase drasticlly!
SW: You need to work on your catchphrases, Mikey!
Leary: *Laugh* Nice little set-up there.
Skeeter: Yeah, there's a fine line between parody and outright stealing. Then again, as WCW proved with "Oklahoma", there's a fairly broad line between "parody" and "Outright stupidity", too.
Leary: Yep. Lord knows where The Commentator fits in between those two choices.
Scuzz: This match is th' final first round thingee, scheduled for one fall.. innerducin'.. ART TERRY!
("Spill The Blood" plays again as the second Universal Donor makes his entrance.)
Skeeter: J and I had both given up on the Donors by now, as evidenced by the Generic Entrance.
Leary: They were phased out not too long in the next year, right?
Skeeter: Yep, only to finally comeback for a J-written "feud-ending blow-off" match with P and G, I think. Since then, the've been on the Inactive BOB roster, and will probably stay there until i drag 'em out for a CLASSIX.
Scuzz: An' his opponent... "KERMIT"!!
("Scooby Snacks" plays as the oddly-masked fugitive heads to the ring.. the reaction for both grapplers is underwhelming.)
Skeeter: "Kermit" was also on the way out... Christian basically gave up on him once he brought Neige into BOB. He's played the Neige character in a lot of feds, but I'm yet to find a fed-head with a lot of good things to say about him.
Leary: Scooby Snacks, I'm guessing was the theme song because it used audio clips from the restaurant robbery scene from "Pulp Fiction" in it.
Skeeter: That's the reason, yep. It also has the phrase "Runnin' around, robbing banks..." in the chorus. And besides, I think it's a pretty cool song. A lot of the jobbers songs came direct from my CD collection at the time.
Leary: Yep, it's a definite cool song.
MM: Now, this should be one terrific match! They lock up in the center of the ring with a good old collar-and-elbow tie-up! Armdrag takedown by Art! Kermit back up instantly.. and he's on the receiving end of a jumping headbutt from the Donor! Side Russian leg-sweep and "Kermit" goes down again! Elbow drop to the sternum! Another! And another! Art is really taking care of The frog-faced warrior.. whip to the ropes.. Baaaaaaack body drop! Art to the ropes... Asahi Moonsault! But "Kermit" gets the knees up! Nice counter! What a match, huh Scotty?
SW: Yeah, sure... Wake me when it's over, okay?
Skeeter: This isn't actually a bad match, but I did want to get across that Scotty HATES technical matches. No blood? No boobs? Boring!
Leary: Yep. Scotty needs violence or titillation.
Skeeter: Preferably both. And can i state for the record that "The Frog-Faced Warrior" should be a jobbers gimmick in BOB's future.
MM: Nice high knee from "Kermit"! Savatt.. savet.. French Kickboxing thrust kick! "Kermit" snapmares Art over and slaps on a chinlock... he's trying to wear down the Donor with this one.. which gives us a great chance to plug our big crowd-pulling bouts! Don't forget.. Justin Voss versus Viet Kong is our HUUUUuuggge Main event.. not to mention SMP and Neige Thirteen in the Electrified Cage Match! All coming up at "Titlepalooza"! It's the greatest spectacle in BOB history! The best Pay Per View we could afford! The most fantastic.. oh, and apparently there was a pinfall in there somewhere! I wonder who won? Scotty, were you paying attention?
Skeeter: Total Tony Schivonne moment at the end of that match. Plug everything else, while ignoring the actual wrestling.
Leary: Nice bit with the kickboxing flub. That because you couldn't figure out how to spell it properly?
Skeeter: Yep, I'm sprung. *laugh* The bit where Mike misses the pin is a little nos to Monty Python, too. Specifically John Cleese as a football commentator who goes into a huge spiel about a player, then announces "Oh, and apparently there was a goal in there somewhere. Pratt, back to Pratt..."
SW: Hwmmpph... wha'? Is it over? I was having such a nice dream...
MM: GBH? Who won that one?
GBH: Duhhh.. da funny man counted to tree.. hur hur hur...
Leary: GBH as helpful as ever.
Skeeter: Yep. I eventually had to put him backstage, as there's no way and sane man would put this guy back out there week after week. Luckily, it appears GBH IS pretty good at negotiating a long-term contract, though.
MM: Sorry about that folks.. we'll update you as soon as we can! We'll just take a quick intermission and be right back...
SW: An intermission? Oh, no! I ordered thet "Monster Bash" last month! We could be here for weeks!! NOOOoooo...
(Cut to a test pattern)
©1999 BOB Wrestling!
Skeeter: Yep, another cheap shot at Monster Bash. Sorry, DK, couldn't resist.
Part Two: Later That Same Evening...
Skeeter: In reality, it was probably about four or five days, I think.
Leary: I do remember I combined three parts of this into one file. So I'm guessing this got posted in total over two to three weeks?
Skeeter: Probably a fortnight. I was a little faster creativly in the early days.
A few more fireworks welcome us back to the LittleDome. A sweeping crowd shot shows four fans holding up signs that read "What Day Is It?". We pick up Scott, Mike and GBH at the announce position. Scotty is trying to remove Pizza Hut boxes from the tabletop.
Skeeter: As you can see, I was quite happy to admit to the break.
Leary: I do like the LittleDome name. I just noticed that.
Skeeter: BOB was a long, long way from packing out the Silverdome. Probably still is, really.
MM: Welcome back folks! And you've joined us just in time for a very special match, signed during the intermission! Dennis has the details!
Dennis: That's right, Mike! I'm here with the BOSS, who's overseeing the construction of the ring! BOSS, I can't help but notice it's less of a ring, and more of a wading pool filled with chocolate fudge sauce?
Skeeter: I'm still trying to decide if I was stealing from Vince Russo here, or whether it was the other way around.
Leary: I would imagine so, since Russo was already in WCW here and he'd already left his indellible mark with his women in sticky foods fetish.
Skeeter: Better than Vince McMahon and his "Look at my aging buttocks" fetish, I guess.
Leary: Any day *laugh*
BB: Nice spotting, Dennis! This match is going to be a cracker! Here, read this... Scuzz is in the bathroom.
Dennis: Oh, very well.. *ahem*.. This match is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, accompianed for no apparent reason by Xenomorph... XXXTREME!
Skeeter: XXXtreme Machine occasionally lost the "Machine" moniker from time to time. I'm pretty sure the guy who entered him called him "XXXtreme" the first week, then "XXXtreme Machine" the next. then quit.
Leary: Hmm...HE'S wrestling in pudding? Now Steve...I know you like some strange things, but....*Laugh*
Skeeter: *laugh* It was an angle, honest!
(The latest member of Jobbers Inc. makes his appearance to "XXXtreme" from Pigsnort Octopus, the garage band. The crowd is almost comatose.. don't worry, this'll wake 'em up...)
Leary: Ah, the garage band nobody cares about has a name.
Skeeter: I named the un-named garage band after VERY 70's Kiwi rock band "Hogsnort Rupert". They were well before my time, but a name like that tends to stick in your memory.
Dennis: And his opponent.. from North Carolina.. weighing 119 pounds... NURRRRRSE HEIDI!
Unbelievably titanic pop as "Centerfold" by the J. Giels Band plays. Heidi walks out, in a black leather bikini. This should push those all-important buy rates up for the encore screening...)
Leary: Now we're talking. This is one of the more famous angles in BOB history coming up right here if I'm not mistaken.
Skeeter: It was one of the most memorable, all right. I always kind of visualized Heidi as a young Rena Mero... although J later found a picture of a nice blonde in a nurses uniform that became the unofficial Nurse Heidi bio pic. We couldn't post it, though... It was only the TOP half of a nurse uniform. I hope he still has it...
Leary: I'd like to see that photo. For, uh, research purposes.
Skeeter: *laugh* I lost my copy when I changed computers. pity... Personal confession time, here. Nice, non-siliconised women undressed below the waist only is one of my major turn-ons. Yep, we're getting to the nitty-gritty in THIS commentary, folks!
MM: Now this is a little low-brow, don't you think, Scotty? A co-ed chocolate sauce match?
SW: Hey, no complaints here..
GBH: Duhhh.. pretty!
Leary: This is a major step forward here too for "girl power." A woman fighting a man in a degrading match.
Skeeter: Well, there's certain levels of degradation. I have no problem with this one. There's no spanking involved, at least.
MM: The ref has called for the bell.. hopeful, isn't he? Anyway, this match is officially under way! XXtreme and Heidi circling each other, both looking for an opportunity.. and there's a regulation collar-and-elbow tie-up! XXXtreme gains the upper hand and hip-tosses Heidi into the fudge! Nice move! The crowd is really getting into this one!
SW: YEAHHHHH! WOOO! ALL RIGHT!
Skeeter: I think this match was the one that really cemented Scottys personailty for the next four years.
Leary: It's looking that way. He definitely borrows a bit from Lawler, but I think that's a good thing. I've always enjoyed announcers who do sex jokes. As we'll see in the coming years.
MM: Or maybe it's just Scotty.. anyway, Heidi regains a vertical base and is laying some chops in on XXXtreme! Reverse legsweep! XXtreme goes face first into the chocolate! Elbowdrop to the back of his head! She scoops him up and there's a nice airplane spin! Round and round he goes.. and Heidi deposits him back in the sauce! A version of the Bronco Buster now! Oh, for heavens sake, Scotty, you're steaming up the monitor.. Sit back a little!
Leary: I always did like that Heidi could wrestle better than some of the jobbers on the BOB roster.
Skeeter: Yep. Kind of old-school with the airplane spine, but the visual of chocolate sauce flying up when she dumps him would be nice. The "monitor" comment now strikes me as a little out of place... in later shows we still didn't HAVE monitors. I guess the Littledome provided them.
SW: Sorry.. Can we get a closer shot than that?
MM: You're a sad, lonely little man, Scotty... XXtreme tries to reverse the momentum by raking the eyes! Full Nelson.. and sweeps the legs out from under her! Another facefull of topping for Heidi! She rolls onto her back.. LOWBLOW! XXXtreme felt that one! He gropes blindly for support..
Skeeter: The full-nelson legsweep works quite well in my mind. Can't say I ever saw it in an actual "Degrade the Chicks in Mud" match, though.
Leary: Nope. That would defeat the purpose of degrading them. There are rules, Skeeter. There must be spanking, hair pulling and a cheap roll up victory.
Skeeter: *laugh* Yep, that's pretty much dead-on.
SW: HEY! Get your hands off those...
Skeeter: BOB's biggest Pay-Per-View Encore performance EVER coming up right there. In real life, you'd STILL be able to download screen-caps of the Internet.
Leary: Yep. Now, I just had the thought, did this come before The Kat losing her top in the WWF, or did you beat them to it?
Skeeter: Good question. I'd have to check the dates, really. I'd also like to know how big a bonus the Kat got for that "spontaneous" stunt.
MM: OH MY GOD!! Did you see what just happened?
SW: See it? Man, I aint blinking till this match is over! YEAAAAAAHH!
GBH: Hur hur hur... yurrr!
Skeeter: Even GBH was into the match at this point. Which is pretty much a first.
Leary: GBH breaking down his excitement to caveman-like noises.
MM: XXXtreme just inadvertantly ripped Heidis' top off! The crowd is going bananas! XXXtreme is stunned.. FLYING BODYPRESS by Heidi!!! The Ref is down to count.. 1..2..3!!! It's over! Let's go to Dennis for the official word!
Dennis: Humina humina humina humina...
Leary: Now that is for sure a three exclamation point moment. I'll give you that one.
Skeeter: Thank you. Now, if someones' finisher was a Topless F;ying Bodypress, what exactly would it be called? I vote for "The Siliconiser".
Leary: Unless she had implants, it could be called Attack Of The Killer B's.
MM: ...Or possibly not! What a turn of events! XXXtreme tries to quit, becomes a jobber and ends up losing a match to a chocolate-covered topless nurse!
SW: That lucky son-of-a-BLEEP...
Leary: Now there's a disturbing Web search waiting to happen. A chocolate-covered topless nurse.
Skeeter: *laugh* Man, it's Pay-Per-View and I'm still censoring the word "bitch". I was such a fucking pussy.
Leary: It was a different era. I'm sure BOB was going for family entertainment back in 1999.
Skeeter: Plus the fact I was worried about getting kicked off Geocities.
Leary: Now we can tell Geocities to go fuck itself. Gotta love progress.
Skeeter: *laugh* Hey, I've still got my movie reviews on Geocities. So you tell them to fuck them selves, I'll just silently nod.
MM: I couldn't agree more, Scotty! Well, it woke the fans up again.. so let's keep things rolling as we continue the Pan-Galactic Tournament!
Skeeter: First rule of wrestling... give 'em something worth watching after an intermission or dull squash.
Scuzz: This semi-final match in th' tournament is set for one fall... innerducing.. The "AYOOYFM" Hardcore Champ.. BIRDBOY... And his opponent.. PZREMSLTHINGEE!!
(The Krapterian National Anthem (as sung by Lenny Kravitz) plays as both men enter... I knew we shouldn't have written all that information on the same card.. Scuzz has a problem with punctuation...)
Leary: This was before the 16-6 AYOOYFM rule, right?
Skeeter: Yes, definatly. I actually when 24-7, but it was J's idea to give the guy 8 hours to sleep and Tuesdays off. It was a nice touch.
MM: Birdboy and Pzremslwvk jockying for room on the ramp... and this match looks like it's starting in the aisle! Pzremslwvk just leveled Birdboy with a massive forearm shot! He hooks up the legs.. catapult into the stairs! Birboy looks groggy! And the big Krapterian adds injury to insult as he slams Birdboys face into the ringpost! Double axehandle to the back! A scoop.. Death Valley driver through a convieniently-located table!
Leary: Some more hardcore brawling here. Seems like you enjoyed writing these sorts of matches a bit.
Skeeter: Well, anytime the "AYOOFM" title went on the line, I had carte blanche to let the guys hit each other with furniture. This was during the WWF's best hardcore belt matches, I guess. And I love those Hardcore matches where tables just seem to be everywhere for no apparent reason. Like the caterers decided to set up a table full of Gatorade in the loading dock. Just in case a security guard got thirsty.
Leary: Yep. 1998 to 1999 was a good time for hardcore wrestling.
SW: Pzremslwvks getting hardcore!! He's got a chair! Wham! He's got the timekeepers table!! WHam! He's got the timekeeper!! WHAM!!!
MM: Keep up those "whams", Scotty.. I'm sure we'll get our "Bump Amplification" Mikes next week!
SW: We better!
Skeeter: Second instance of using a person as a weapon. I never did develop a Timekeeper character... just kept him very generic.
Leary: Ah, the timekeeper has arrived. I remember on the last show there was a spot for his arrival. You were foreshadowing. You had this all mapped out, didn't you? *Laugh*
Skeeter: Nahhh, just a coincidence. At least he got a table this time. Briefly.
MM: Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that we have a replay of Pzreslwvk's victory over "Cap" Larrie! Let's take a look and see how he did it!
(The producer gives us a shot of the three commentators studying their monitors for a few seconds...)
Skeeter: I'm a big fan of running gags. Beat the joke to death, then keep beating it is my motto.
Leary: And you elevate it even further here in a second. I loved this set-up.
MM: ....And there you have it! Pretty inventive stuff from Pzremslwvk! Any comments Scotty?
SW: Actually, I think the pictures told the whole story, Mike!
Skeeter: In case anyone is wonder, no, I don;t know how Pzremslwvk won either. Bite me.
Leary: I like how they figured it out by lookingt at replays of themselves. Like that solves anything.
Skeeter: Well, I actually figured they DID get the replay. Only a typical BOB glitch meant no-one else did.
MM: They sure did! Now, back to the match at hand...
Scuzz: Here is yo winna.. and NEWWWWWWW "AYOOYFM" Hardcore champion... PZREMSLWVK!!
MM: What the hell? It's over? How did he get the win this time? Scotty?
Leary: It had to happen.
Skeeter: I tend never to think too far ahead when I write. Sometimes, as in this case here, the joke just suggests anotherjoke, and so on. After a while it's just seeing how far you can push it and how many variations of the gag you can find. I was happy with this one, and not just because I caould avoide writing the actual match.
SW: Don't look at me... GBH?
GBH: Duhhh... WHAM!
MM: Maybe that guy who keeps infiltrating the Rant Zone is right.. we DO suck!
Skeeter: GBH sometimes seems to be less "stupid" and more a slow reader. he's always a half-page behind everyone else.
Leary: Was that Rant Zone thing a joke or was somebody really posting that?
Skeeter: Sadly, it was true. I attracted a troll who posted under the name "This Fed Sucks". He then copy-and pasted a few dozens times to create a message that simply repeated 'This Fed Sucks" about 500 times. Maybe it was XXXtreme Machines' handler?
Leary: Or maybe it was Niege just doing his warm-ups spamming.
Skeeter: It's a possibility...
SW: Hey, -BLEEP- 'em if they can't take a joke, Mikey!
Skeeter: That's my response to most thing in life. I live by that philosophy.
Leary: Yep. And run if they try to sue you.
MM: Good call... on to the second semi-fianl.. Goffer is on his way to the ring to "Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang.. the crowd is still pretty hyped from the Nurse Heidi/XXXtreme Machine match so he's getting a rousing reception!
Skeeter: Another very cool song from my CD collection.
Leary: Bloodhound Gang I think did another cool song...the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. I don't remember this song in particular.
Skeeter: This is the one about doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Should be one *you* remember...
Leary: Hmm...seems to ring a bell now.
SW: But who the heck is he wrestling? Who won that first round match?
("Spill the Blood" blares out over the LitleDomes' speakers.)
Skeeter: On the flipside, I can't stand Slayer, though. Sorry, J.
MM: Well, that answers that question.. Art Teery is on his way to the ring! Goffer meets him at the apron with a baseball slide! Art stumbles back to the guard rail! Goffer sringboards to the top turnbuckle and launches a suicidal plancha! Wow! They're battling on the outside now!
SW: Thus allowing our ring crew time to set up the cage for the Plants/Neige Thirteen match... Nice suplex into the cheap seats there by Art!
Leary: I know I've said this before, but I'm still surprised with all these wrestling moves in BOB. I'll have to make myself a list of moves now.
Skeeter: I'm a cruiserweight mark as well as a Battle royal fan. And with the complete lack of any physical restrictions in BOB, I could pretty much go nuts with the moveset.
MM: Well, most seats were cheap for this Pay-Per-View, but a nice metaphor anyway, Scotty! The two men are brawling away in the crowd, almost directly behind our announce position now! They're heading back towards ringside.. Here they come.. hey, look out.. Art, no, don't throw him over the barrier!!!
Skeeter: No Spanish Announcers make BOB a dangerous place to work, huh? Haven't you ever wanted to see the Spanish guys fight back? I'm sure Tito could still take a bump or two...
Leary: I've always wanted to see that actually. Arriba!
GBH: Duhhh... you okay, Scotty?
GBH: Duhh.. Mike?
MM: ........isn't wor...a new headse....mn...
Skeeter: Scotty almost always says "Wurfle" after taking a bump. Pretty sure I lifted that from a "Viz" magazine.
Leary: *Laugh* And it kind of hints at how GBH's cranium may have been affected over the years.
GBH: Oh, goody goody.. I gets to call da match.. hur hur hur.. Lemme see.. duhh.. Dat bloody fellas' go dat little guy in der ring and is kicking him.. kick, kick kick... and he picks him up for a twisty-slammy thing.. but dat little guy gets up and gives him a poke in der eyes.. scoop an' a jumpy-whacky kinda thing.. an' now he's stomping all over the bloody guy.. stomp stomp stomp.. hur hur.. an' he does some sorta twisty head-hurty thing.. an' da ref counts.. one.. two... durrr.. lots... an da little guy wins! Yeah.
Skeeter: That's the longest sentence I ever wrote for GBH.
Leary: And amazingly, you know pretty much what is happening.
Skeeter: Yep. J would later trump me by having GBh call an ENTIRE match! Lucky this one was short, so his attention didn't wander too much. I'm assuming the "twisty-head-hurty" thing was a Diamomnd Cutter.
MM: Oh, my head.. we apologise for that folks.. Hopefully that will be the only time GBH ever does the play-by-play... To recap, Goffer advances to the finals after a.. *ahem*.. "Twisty Head-Hurty" Thing and will meet his own tag partner, Pzremslwvk for the Pan-Galactic Belt!
SW: Can we get to a match that people actually WANT to see now
Leary: I like how Mike has to use GBH's terminology there. That's how it goes down in the record books.
Skeeter: Gotta call it how you see it.
MM: I don't see why not! Take it away, Dennis!
SW: Dennis? Did Scuzz fall asleep again?
Skeeter: No, I just ran out of ideas for him four shows into the fed. Man, i suck.
Leary: *Laugh* Admitting it is half the battle.
Dennis: This match is the SUPER-GRUDGE MATCH! Introducing first... The Fighting Snowman.. The man who put the "oo" in cool... The Man for whom no number can be written in digits.... NEIGE THIRRRRRRRTEEEEN!!
Skeeter: My frustration with Neige is becoming more evident by the card.
Leary: I'm so lazy I would have always written 13 everytime for him.
Skeeter: Your flame war with him would have started a lot earlier than mine, then...
("Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow" plays as the albino grappler strides to the ring... the crowd gives a medicocre pop... so much for a big crowd-puller...)
Leary: His gimmick seems like it should be funny but it really just never did a damn thing for me.
Skeeter: I couldn't work it out, myslef. Albino Ninja Snowman? Well, "Albino" and "Snowman" kind of cancel each other out, unless you're using Frank Zappas' "yellow" snow, I'd think.
Dennis: And his opponent.. The Heeliest Heel in Heeldom... The Sinister Surgeon... SILLICONNNE MMMMMMMMMM PLANNNNNTS!
(The shouty Henry Rollins remake of "Smooth Operator" pounds out as S.M.P makes his appearance... He pauses to inspect the cage and survey the arena before entering. Huge Heel pop... is that an oxymoron? Well, you know what I mean, I'm sure..)
Leary: J was a master of punny names. Sillaconne M. Plants. Necro Phil. You gotta love it. This was a great gimmick. It just worked, unlike Neige's.
Skeeter: My favorites of his were two throw-away gags... The Irresistible Force and The Immovable Object. I loved that line.
MM: This should be a tremendous match....NO NEED TO ASK.... Both men are fighting for pride....'CAUSE HE'S A SMOOTH OPERATOR!.... not to mention the fact that S.M.P is....COAST TO COAST.... risking his entire career.... L.A TO CHICAGO.... can we lose the playback, please? That song is deafening!
SW: It's got a good beat, though...
Skeeter: For me, the beat was the Undertakers "Dead Man Walking" entrance theme, with Henry shouting over the top.
Leary: That would truly be a scary song. Children would flee in terror. Rollins always looked like a sadistic gym teacher to me.
Skeeter: Or a fairly short drill-sergeant. He seems to come across as fairly soft-spoken in the interviews I've seen of him. Weird.
MM: These two parody veterans sizing each other up here! The ring crew attach the last of the cables to the bars, pumping as much power as they could muster into the steel! Anyone touching those will get a painful shock.. and these two will have to try to climb out! This will be the ultimate test of their courage!
Skeeter: "Parody Veteran" didn't really suit Neige. He always took thing very, VERY seriously. Oddly, the other person i could mention who did that, while still being very funny, was... BOB Q. Fiendishs' handler Clarence.
Leary: This is an interesting stipulation. I thought the electricity was to keep them inside the cage.
Skeeter: You'd think. But, hey, this is BOB. Logic is a secondary concern.
SW: I still think we should have made this a "Hell In a Cell" match...
MM: Yes.. the BigBOSS was surpringly resistant to that idea.. I'm sure he had a reason, though.. And listen to the crowd coma alive as Neige and Plants tie it up in the middle of the ring! An Italian arm drag gives Plants the early advantage! He slaps a crossface on Neige.. reversal by the PO'ed Snowman..snapemare escape from the Silky Surgeon!
Skeeter: Another fucking "snapemare". One of those words I have a blind spot with. "Necessary" was my bugbear at school. My teacher made you spella word correctly seven times for each time you mis-spelt it. I wrote 'necessary" like, 48, 000 times that year.
Leary: And the crowd "coma"-ing alive. Neige will have that effect on you, I suppose.
Skeeter: Either that or they're all saying 'Poink!' in unison...
GBH: Duhh.. an' Neige does a leg-sweepy thing to the doc.. and dere's a legdrop!
SW: Oh, great, there's no shutting the big goof up now!
MM: I don't know, he's better than that Oklahoma guy... do you think he finds that bad impersonation funny?
Skeeter: Subtle commentary right there... "Okalahoma" was the thing that very nearly made me quit watching WCW full stop.
SW: Well if he does, he's the only one... nice kip-up by Neige!
GBH: Head-Bangy Thingy! Head-Bangy Thingy!
Leary: If Jim Ross had a few bumps to the head, I can now imagine him calling a match.
Skeeter: *laugh* If GBH ever comes out of retirement, these WILL have to be in his moveset, I think.
MM: Indeed! Whip to the ropes..duck-down.. and a beautiful Lou Thesz Press from Plants! He's whaling away at Neige! Back to his feet.. Springboard Splash! Nice move! Plants is up... he's heading for the door!
SW: Ouch! It aint gonna be easy getting out of there! Plants has got a case of the nerve twitches!
Skeeter: It's very "me" to create match stipulations that are pretty much impossible to complete, yeah?
Leary: Yep. You do like to back yourself into corners at times. They usuall work out one way or the other, where you either come up with a great finish or you're just like, yep, I've got writer's block, let's just bail out.
Skeeter: Luckily, this match is the former. Incidently, the remainder of this commentary is sponsered by Macs beer. And whatever Learys drinking. Cheers!
Leary: Oh boy. You just want to test my spell checking skills, don't you.
MM: Neige siezes the moment and drops Plants with a hangmans neckbreaker! He's on the second turnbuckle.. steps up to the top rope and launches a senton splash! Great skills! Pump-handle into a powerslam! And a Northern Lights powerbomb! He picks up Plants and begins a series of German Suplexes! One, Two, Three of them... and there's a fourth..
SW: Five, six seven.. eight.. there's such a thing as milking the gag, Snowman! Oh, an inverted atomic drop to releive the monotony! Hooray! And Neige is attempting to climb out of the cage!
Leary: Benoit ended up stealing that spot later on with his 10 German suplexes in a row. Of course, he ended up going out with a busted neck for a year.
Skeeter: And the silly bugger STILL does swandive headbutts. Christian always accused my of using BOB for "self-glorification"... always giving the match wins and titles to mine and J's characters. But I think I was as fair as possible. Neige gets in plenty of ood offense, does he not?
Leary: Yep. It sure has seems he got offense. Titles are always tricky anyhow. If you try and be nice and give them out, everyone stops writing anyway. It's a Catch 22 of sorts. At least if you reward yourself, you know you might still do something with them.
Skeeter: Yep... and it's difficult NOT to have your characters in matches if there's only six guys on the roster, after all.
FWW-ZAPP! BZZZT! ZAPPP!
MM: Without much success I might add...
NT: YOWCH! Whose lousy idea was this, anyway?
Skeeter: It was my idea, of course. What other idiot do you know that would do something that stupid?
Leary: Even have him complaining in-character about you. How fitting.
MM: Plants is back to his feet.. he plucks Neige off the bars.. SCALPELS EDGE!! Neige bounced a foot off the mat! Both men are down.. who's got the most left? Neige rises unsteadily... wait what's happening?
Skeeter: Now, I still think the "Scalpels Edge" is a fucking cool name for a move. If there's any indy wresler with a medical-themed gimmick, TAKE IT! it's yours for free. use the thing!
Leary: Absolutely. It later became the Nipple Cutter, of course, which is equally good as a name.
Skeeter: J's characters always made for creative moves and nicknames.
("The Ride of the Valkyries" played on a electric guitar begins to play over the sound system... a spotlight is switched on, revealing a caped, masked figure in the vicinty of the LittleDomes roof.)
Skeeter: It's Sting! Oops, wrong fed.
Leary: *Laugh* I was just gonna make that joke!
Skeeter: We share the same "Bad Gag" gene, I think.
Leary: This would be Kamikazie Ken's first appearance, I believe.
Skeeter: Yessir, that's the Ken-ster. Equal parts Super Crazy and insane Olympic ski-jumper Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards.
Leary: You once mentioned Ken's name might have subconsciously come from an old video game, right?
Skeeter: Yep, which I later downloaded for the MAME emulator. It was called "The main Event". Ken was a blatant 'Ricky Steamboat" rip-off. I played it a lot as a kid. The best thing to do was play four players, toss one guy out of the ring and wai for a double count-out. The ref would run away, leaving you to brawl on the floor until your health ran out. My true inspiration for his character was of course Wile E. Coyote, though.
Leary: I can definitely see the Wile E. influence on Ken.
MM: MY GOD! Is that.. Kamikazie Ken? It IS!! The former Whatever Wrestling Federation "You Gotta Be Kidding, I Aint Doing That" Champ! He's in the rafters... LOOK OUT BELOW! A Plancha from the roof!! Neige has nowhere to go!!!
Skeeter: Actually, he could have gone a lot of places, but he would have killed the angle if he'd moved.
Leary: *Laugh* A plancha from the roof. Very cartoony indeed.
Skeeter: And the bigger the areans got, the bigger his moves got. I eventually had the audience look up to the rafters when his music played, as a kind of Pavlovian reaction.
(Add your own sound effects of destruction right about...wait for it... NOW!)
MM: GOOD LORD! Ken just drove Neige straight through the mat! Half the ring has been destroyed!! And the cage is collapsing! Three of the walls topple into the hole left by Ken!
BZZZZZZT!! ZAP! ZAP! FWWWW-ZAP!
Leary: Man, and I thought the Taz/Bam Bam Bigelow match where the ring collapsed was a sight to be seen. BOB is hardcore.
Skeeter: *laugh* Hardest of the core, my friend.
MM: Plants rises from amidst the destruction.. and simply steps out of the remains of the ring! Plants wins! Plants wins! Why, Ken, Why?
SW: I think you'll have to ask him that when he regains conciousness...
Skeeter: I've re-used Scottys line about ten time, I'm guessing. In fact, it's a variation of the "resuscitating the ref" line from Mayhem 2.
MM: We'll need another break to repair the ring.. but don't go away.. we'll be back with our final two matches very shortly! Honest!
Skeeter: Seven Years Later... *laugh* Leary is my MST3K pimp, folks.
Leary: The funniest though I always had about Ken, which I think I mentioned in a fake news story I once wrote for BOB, was that this poor guy probably spends more in hospital bills than he's ever gotten in pay from BOB.
Skeeter: Ooh, yeah... too bad he's not Canadian, their health system is better subsidized.
Leary: Yep. Health care isn't too good if you're from Banzai Falls, Georgia.
Part Three: The End's In Sight!
Skeeter: Which should have been Rikishis' catchphrase, now i come to think about it.
(One last firework goes off as we return to the LittleDome for the final time. Scotty and Mike are still at the table. GBH is no longer present, but his boots can be seen sticking out from under the table, and deep snores are heard.)
Leary: Nice visual there.
Skeeter: Another example of GBH as a three-year-old mentally speaking. He gets bored waiting and takes a nap.
MM: WELCOME back! Again! Our ring crew has done a superb job repairing the ring after the spectacular conclusion to the Neige Thirteen/Sillicone M. Plants.. after which SMP was seen slipping a check into the pocket of Kamikazie Ken..
SW: Yep! She was a bit of a set-up, huh Mike?
Leary: Ah, give Ken credit there. He did make some cash off that.
Skeeter: Scottys line is a nod to "The Wired World of Sports", by Aussie Comedian "The Twelth Man". Just imagine him saying it with a lisp for full effect. "Every fucking horth with an eth in itsh name. The'th a bit of a thet-up, huh Gibbo?"
MM: I'll say! But let's leave that behind and head up to the ring for our final two matches! Right now, it's Goffer versus Pzremslwvk for the Pan-Galactic Title! Which of the Tag-team partners will prevail!
Skeeter: One of my favourite fueds in WWF was Tito Santana and Rick Martell. I loved how they could always find each other in a royal Rumble and start brawling all over again, three years later.
Leary: Now, that honor goes to Kane and Undertaker for restarting feuds. And let me tell you, Kane/Undertaker is no Santana/Martell.
Skeeter: It's hardly a Shawn/Marty...
Scuzz: Ladies an' gennemen.. this is th' final of the Pan-Galactic Tournament.. innerducin' first.. PZREMSLWVK!
(Big pop as the current Hardcore and Tag Team Champ enters.. he is waving the grey on grey Krapterian flag.)
Skeeter: The grey-on-grey flag came from a "Twistaplot" or "Choose Your Own Adventure" book I read as a kid. I loved those. One had a boring-as-sin country with a grey-on-grey flag and a two-note National Anthem.
Leary: Oh, I didn't even realize Birdboy lost the title tonight. The AYOOYFM belt was on the line in every match here. That's right. Scuzz was asleep at the wheel when that happened, I suppose.
Skeeter: Yep, it was that that made for one guy walking out with three out of four titles. And Christian was the guy who did it. And I ran BOB for "character glorification"? Ungrateful little shit.
Leary: Can we get Skeeter some vallium, pronto? *Laugh*
Skeeter: *laugh* More beer would do.
Scuzz: An' now, Pzremslwvk would like you all to rise, as he sings the Krapterian National Anthem.
Leary: Ah, a tribute to the Bolsheviks, yeah?
Skeeter: Yep, an easy reference there. Steve Allen and the Bolsheviks' skit at Wrestlemania 6 remains one of my favourites. "Peristoika and glasnost, I give them the utmost, and how is your sister tonight?"
(An instrumental version of the Krapterian National Anthem plays as Pzremslwvk sings...)
P: *ahem*... Pkransml hrurfzolr ruutm, ylknwcda ahsnya nnnhhh! Ishvxr gushtup lusoprr, nhur floxmir poshtur urrrr...
Leary: *Laugh* I love this idea. Great execution with the insane language. Very fitting off the lack of vowels from Krapteria.
Skeeter: Now, that IS supposed to be sung to the tune of The Star Spangled Banner", if you can believe that. Just don't ask me for a fucking rendition... *laugh*
Leary: *Laugh* No worries on this end.
(Ten minutes later....)
...Nush rinhz wusghckor em suirrrrrrr... ush mr weeeenns moo-larrrrr zcccccczaaaaagggggggrrrrrrr!!
Skeeter: The Flunky moves in to clean up the pghlem...
Leary: One of Iron Butterfly's lesser known penned tunes. But still not quite as long as In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
MM: Well, that was.. interesting..
SW: Where was Hacksaw Jim Duggan when you need him? Twenty-seven verses? No wonder Krapteria is banned from entering the Olympics!
Leary: Hey, they're a patriotic bunch. Gotta give 'em that much.
Skeeter: A little shot I couldnt resist. I'm not an American, of course, so I found it pretty two-faced to haer "You can;t sing your national anthem, beacuse this is the land of the free!" Uhh, excuse me?
Scuzz: Whuuu? Huh? Is it ova? 'Kay.. an' his opponent.. GOFFER!
(Goffer runs in to "Good Vibrations" by The Beach Boys.. looks like the music guys are playing CD roulette...)
Leary: Eddie B hasn't been introduced yet, right?
Skeeter: Nope. I came up with Eddie a little later. Right now I figured the Flunky was probably sprinting from ringside to the audio booth all night.
MM: Okay.. here we go with the match of the century! The Battle of the Titans.. The.. aww, let's not kid ourselves..
SW: Way to feign excitement, Mike!
Skeeter: Mark Shill would NEVER do that...
Leary: Nope. The bitterness is already surfacing in Monroe just four shows deep.
Skeeter: He probably had big dreams of J.R-like success...a dnall he got was the "Suck" part.
MM: Sorry.. I just want things to finish.. I feel like I've been here for months! And here we go... Collar-and-elbow tie-up.. shove by Goffer! Pzremslwvk bounces off the ropes and floors Goffer with a big elbow! Elbow-drop! Another! And another! And another.. *yawn*.. and one more..
Leary: Mikey needs a nap. And the big question, will we see an actual finish to one of Pzremslwvk's matches. I honestly can't remember.
Skeeter: Brace yourself... If Goffer can change the moves, anyway. i'm constantly doing that. Getting one guy doing the same move for hours at a time.
MM: Goffer kips up and drops another elbow on the recumbent Krapterian!
SW: What was that noise?
MM: What noise? Nice elbow drop from Goffer...
Skeeter: Like here. That's what, like, nine consecutive elbow drops?
Leary: At least, yep. But he did vary up the dropping with a kip up at least.
SW: There it goes again! Move over.. I wanna see the monitor..
Skeeter: I was quite a big fan of "Pop-Up Video" around this point. As you could probably guess.
Leary: Yep. Was there a reason you didn't put in actual text for them here at the start?
Skeeter: Just to sort of increase the mystery of what the noise was. Plus then I'd have to create more facts. less work, good. more work, bad.
SW: What? "Goffer once entered the New York Marathon dressed as a gorilla"..
SW: "He never finished, due to being mugged." Mike, what the heck is this?
Skeeter: I have to say, it talks a ballsy mugger to rob someone in a gorrila suit with a number on the front.
Leary: *Laugh* A gorilla was mugged. Only in New York.
MM: Welll.. the BigBOSS sold some time to Pop-Up Video to cover the arena rental costs..
Skeeter: They got off lightly, if I'd been watching "E's True Hollywood Story", we would have found out about Mikes' drug and alcohol addiction...
Leary: Pop-up Video did have a lot of parody potential. I'm glad it got used here. Too bad they stopped doing it, we could bring back this gimmick.
Skeeter: pop-Up Moves? *pop* Suplex! *pop* Snapmare!
SW: What's that say?
MM: Umm.. "Scotty Whatbody once ran a floating crap game in Brooklyn"..
SW: HEY! That's a lie!
Skeeter: A reference to my second-favourite musical, "Guys and Dolls"...
Leary: I hope that refers to the dice game, and not something smellier.
Skeeter: *laugh* Mind of a sewer-rat, folks...
MM: "He has 147 outstanding parking tickets."
Leary: If he's from New York, that's highly likely.
Skeeter: Possibly a "Blues Brothers" reference. Or just that I thought a guy like Scotty parks wherever the fuck he wants.
SW: Quit it! This is Bull-BLEEP-t!! I am not gay!
Goffer: Excuse me? Is anyone interested in this match?
Leary: Ah, here's a fun first where the wrestlers get impatient with the announcers.
Skeeter: Yep, and it wouldn't be the last time, either. For the record, Scotty is not gay. We're still not sure about Shill, though.
Leary: *Laugh* I'm sure Shill would do anything for his company.
MM: That's interesting.. "65% of matches in Parody Feds are insufficently called by the announce team"... I'd say that's about right.
Skeeter: Possibly higher these days...
Leary: Most definitely. At least with feds that still do commentary results, anyway.
SW: What? "The First-Ever Pan-Galactic tournament was won by Pzremslwvk with a roll-up on his tag-team partner, Goffer.".. I don't remember that..
Skeeter: *laugh* Foreshadowing, forehadowing...
Leary: Man, this match is just hitting on all cylinders here without having one move called. This is also another bit that we'd recycle a lot in the future. People reading ahead in the scripts or being on the wrong page.
Skeeter: Which was a gag used pretty often in the STWF and Whatever fed, too. Good gags never die!
MM: ROLL-UP BY PZREMSLWVK!! 1..2...3!!!! It's over! We have our first-ever Pan-Galactic Champion!!
Skeeter: Great match... 12 elbow-drops and a roll-up! Wrestlemania 9 looks good in comparison.
Leary: Yep. It was a technical masterpiece.
SW: Now, that's not true.. I think a lot more than 38% of our audience will be demanding their money back after that match!
Skeeter: I'm man enough to admit it, of course.
Leary: And this wasn't even the main event match. So it's OK. It's the typical crappy finish before a main event match.
Skeeter: By the time 2000 rolled around, the wrestlig was secondary to the jokes... even IN the Main Event. But when you've got an audience of perhaps 10 people, plus the occasional Googler looking for porn, you do get that creatve freedom, yeah?
MM: You're probably right! Wait up! Here come the BigBOSS!
BB: All right, what's happening here? Pzremslwvk, how many titles have you got? Tag Team, Hardcore and The Pan-Galactic? That's too many for one man! Give me the "AYOOYFM" belt! I'm stripping you of the titl..
Skeeter: Abooooooout... FACE! Yes, I did think about the ramifications of the stips... AFTER I booked them.
Leary: So you got out the mop and cleaned up your mess.
Skeeter: Nahh, I like things messy.
MM: OOH! He gave it to him all right! Right between the eyes!
BB: Okay.. on second thoughts... keep the belts.. well done, my friend.. now did anyone get the number of the truck that just hit me? (THUMP!)
Leary: Wow, nice swerve there.
Skeeter: It's a pretty simple thing to change titles without resorting to handing them to people. Right, Trip?
MM: Well, as the BigBOSS is hauled out of here, we'll go up to our Token Celebrity Ring Announcer, Neil Diamond, for our Main Event!
Leary: Oh good lord.
Skeeter: Neil Diamond... A pick right out of my mothers' record collection! Plus, wherever I go these days, i seem to get Neil blasted at me over the Muzak system. I swear I heard "Sweet Caroline" three times in three different malls one Saturday.
Leary: Another reason to shop online these days.
Skeeter: *laugh* You'll probably get Neil Diamond MIDI, then...
ND: This contest is the Bamboo Cage Match for the Swiss Army Belt.. and it is for one fall.. introducing.. the challenger... from Vietnam... VIETTTT KONNNNNG!
Skeeter: That's a J. stip...
Leary: *Laugh* Two of J's characters involved in cage matches on the same card. Shocker!
(The Charlies Angels remake blasts out over the speakers as the mammoth multi-fingered monstrosity makes his way to the squared circle.. a light rain of trash patters off his torso as he passes.)
Leary: Ah, guess he isn't hungry tonight.
Skeeter: *laugh* Scattered outbreaks of garbage spreading to all parts of the arena by nightfall.
ND: And his opponent... The Swiss Army Belt Champion.. "THE STEREOTYPED FACE, JUSTINNNNNNNN VOSSSS!"
(The ubiquitous "If You're Happy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands" is sung as Justin Voss makes a long-lonnng-awaited appearance. He pauses to do the little "fingers-in-the-cheeks-and-wiggle-the-head" thing he's well-known for.. The crowd goes ballistic.)
Skeeter: Justin always refeered to his guy as the "Lout-Pouter". I didn't really know what that meant, but hey... whatever crumbles your cookies.
MM: The Main Event is HERE!! Let's hope it lives up to expectations!
SW: What? And ruin a perfect record?
Leary: I almost expected Scotty to say "What expectations?"
Skeeter: He's the master of unrestrained sarcasm, all right.
MM: Neil Diamond clears out of the ring as Voss appproaches! He pauses at the door to the cage! Listen to the thunderous cheers of the crowd! Kong walks over to the door... OH! An enormous kick slams the door into Voss's face! Justin almost ended up in the crowd!
SW: I guess we're underway!
Skeeter: I should have had someone punk out Neil... that would have got a scarily huge pop.
Leary: Yep. He must have had a no-bump clause.
MM: No kidding! Voss staggers back to his feet.. Kong meets him out on the floor and delivers a big firemans carry takedown! What power! Kong is practically stalking the champ! Rams him into the exterior of the cage! That'll leave splinters!
Skeeter: It would too... a friend of mine had bamboo in his garden when we were kids. Left crap on your hands you needed to scrape off with a knife.
A scoop.. and a slam on the floor! Voss tries to fire back with a forearm shot.. Kong shrugs it off and drags Voss to the ramp! He's setting up for a piledriver!! Here he goes.. block by Voss!! Another attempt! Blocked again! BACCCKbodydrop!!
Skeeter: That long drawn-out "Bacccck" was a Schivonne thing, wasn't it? If so, the training school paid of for Mike.
Leary: Yep, that was a definite Shiavonism. He'd emphasize at the strangest times. Almost like he was on the can when he was announcing. Maybe that was his secret.
Skeeter: There's a mental image I didn't need. Sorry about that, folks.
Kong lands on the steel with an echoing clang! Voss finally has the opportunity to catch his breath! Viet Kong rises to his feet! He lumbers towards Voss.. Voss catches him with a thrust kick!! Follows up with a clothesline! Kong tumbles off the ramp and ends up in a pile of cables!
Skeeter: More Hardcore Shenanagains...at least this time I did have a Big Plan 'O Comedy in my head.
Leary: This is definitely an Austin-era brawl around thhe arena format thus far.
MM: Nice input, Scotty..
SW: I just like the fans to know I'm still here, Mike..
Leary: Meanwhile, GBH is still snoozing away on the floor.
Skeeter: Yep... Well, it was five less 'Yurs' to color and format, I guess.
MM: Voss pauses to soak in the applause.. and then launches a flying elbow-drop off the ramp! Wow! What action! Kong gets a little assistance from "Charlie" as he climbs out of the cables.. Charlie has a bamboo cane.. Justin better watch out!
SW: He better not cry.. he better not pout!
MM: And to think that line was relevant before this Pay-Per-View started... He'd better duck, though...
Skeeter: That's interesting. I thought I'd finshed the show BEFORE Christmas. Guess not, then.
Leary: Did Viet Kong ever speak, or was it always Charlie? I can't remember.
Skeeter: Nope, Charlie was the vocal one of the two. In fact, Kong always stood behind Charlie with his arms folded during J's promos. I liked that... made him more menacing, like an early-era Kane.
MM: Too late! Right over the head! The ref can't do a thing!
SW: No DQ's, No countouts.. this is right up Kongs alley!
Skeeter: Yep, this is an Austin-like Main Event, all right. Only we didn;t make it "no-DQ" on the fly.
Leary: Did Charlie ever get any flack for his stereotypical rants? I love his accent, but I could imagine somebody complaining about him.
Skeeter: Oddly, no. I was always a shade wary about anything that might be considered racist. Although the phrase "Helro, yoo stoopid people!" is still one that cracks me up.
Leary: *Laugh* Yep. It always does crack me up. Even just now!
MM: Kong takes over with the cane.. He's brutalising the champ with it! Voss covers up.. oh, baby! He literally broke the cane over the Voss-mans back! The two of them heading back towards ringside now.. Kong whips Voss towards the cage.. Voss goes in head-first! Staggers back.. OH! Back-elbow out of NOWHERE!
SW: Rocked the big man, but he's still on his feet! Where the hell is Voss going?
Skeeter: My little tribute to Foely and Calloway at King of the Ring coming up.
Leary: Before there was a sledgehammer, the Singapore cane was the weapon of choice for many an efedder.
Skeeter: Yep. Three pieces of bamboo... makes a nice noise, but not overly damaging. Perfect for wrestling, really.
MM: He's climbing the outside of the cage! Kong follows him! They're going to the roof! This is going to get intense! Neil Diamond throws Voss a chair to add to the mayhem! Voss accepts it gratefully! WHAM! Kong takes a huge shot to the head! He still manages to haul himself onto the cages' roof! Can anything stop this monster?! Voss winds up again... BOOM!
Skeeter: Neil Diamond running interference makes little to no sense, really. I really SHOULD have had Kong punk him out.
Leary: But then he'd get cheered. Especially if Neil started to sing.
Skeeter: *laugh* A concept we'd thrash with the "Shatner" angles in later years.
Leary: Lucy........In the Sky........With.......Diamonds.
Skeeter: Need more beer if Learys going to sing like Shatner. Oh, yes.
SW: Kong just won't go down! Hit him again, champ!!
MM: Voss looks like he's going to take your advice.. WHAM!! Kong is driven back to the cages edge.. he's losing his balance.. his arms pinwheeling wildly... Oh.. SH-CRUNCHHH!!!
Leary: By gawd they killed him!
Skeeter: Okay, that's table number two for the announce team in this card. It's not a continuity error, though. They got another during the second intermission. So there.
Leary: Did Mike actually yell CRUNCH?
Skeeter: The way I wrote it, it looks like it. But I do tend to toss the sound effects in wherever nes.. neccesary. Damn, seven more times!
GBH: Duhhh.. what was dat? Whut hitted me?
SW: I think you'll find that was Viet Kong, GBH.. You still with us, Mike?
MM: Only just! That was just amazing!! Voss salutes the crowd from the top of the ring..
CREAKK! SNAP!! THUD!!
Skeeter: Another cartoon-y moment. "Thank you!" Crack! "Oh, shit!" THUD!
Leary: Stop the damn match! King Of The Ring 98 revisited. But if you're gonna rip-off a pay-per-view, why not rip off that one?
Skeeter: Yep, it's a pretty thinly-veiled parody. But at least we're MEANT to be parody.
MM: Oops! That flimsy bamboo cage just couldn't hold Voss's weight! He crashes through the roof and into the ring! Both men are down, and looking hurt! Charlie is dragging Kong out of the remains of our table... There's the advantage of having a manager, I suppose.. He rolls Kong into the ring and the door has been locked! And the match finally moves inside the cage!
Skeeter: And this was my plan... have them do all the crap outside the cage the WWF was doing at the time, then get 'em inside. And then totally negate the 'cage" stipulations instantly.
SW: About time! Now, let's get busy!
MM: GORILLA PRESSLAM by Kong! There goes the ring again! Voss crashes down through to the floor! Kong covers..1..2..THREE!!
Leary: And there it is. The anti-climax of sorts.
Skeeter: Well, you're allowed to let the heel win on Py-Per-View once in a while... besides, strange as it seems, I did have actual angles lined up for Voss at the time.
Leary: This is almost like combining the ending of that Kane/Austin match with the Foley/Taker's Hell In A Cell. The only thing missing was the gasoline and a ref bump.
ND: Here is your winner.. and NEWWWWW "Swiss Army Belt" Champion... VIETTTT KONGGGG!
MM: Kong wins! Kong wins!! Dark times are ahead for BOB!!
SW: Whatever.. I'm just glad we finished this thing before the end of the millenium!
Skeeter: Nothing like making your work seem dated a month after you publish.
Leary: Of course, the millennium was still, technically, a year away anyhow, since the new millennium started in 2001.
Skeeter: Oh, don't start THAT shit again. *laugh*
MM: Well, for Scotty Whatbody and GBH, I'm Mike "The Monotone" Monroe, saying so long, and thanks for ordering "TITLE-PALOOZA!
©1999 BOB Wrestling!
Leary: No tag line necessary, beyotch!
Skeeter: And there we have it! That's pretty much everything from the first 'season" of BOB. But, stay tuned, we've got some "Extras" for you from the Whatever Wrestling Federation and a couple of cards I wrote for the STWF!
Leary: And if you're lucky, we'll babble some more.
Skeeter: About stuff so old, I'LL be hard-pressed to remember it. So, thanks for listening, and we'll catch you next time on BOB. Later!
Leary: What he said.
© 1999/2004 BOB Wrestling!