Brawlers On a Budget > Episodes > Send Us Money: Leader Of The Pack
Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate
vs.
Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja
  
  
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the finals of tonight’s six-man tag team tournament!
SW: Just one more fight.
[“Symphony Of Destruction” by Megadeth plays.]
NH: Introducing first… Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate; The Entities Of Destruction!
[SMP grabs a microphone and joins his tag partners in the ring. He pats the mic to get attention.]
SMP: Oh good, the broken glass is gone. Listen, excuse me if I start shouting. I get hot real quick and I have a sore throat, so I’ll make this real snappy. While our opponents, Up In Smoke, are not the biggest instigators of all this hardcore shit going on in BOB lately, I did want to inform them that there will be none of that monkey business going on in this ring against US. That’s all. Now if you blue blooded, redneck, hillbilly greenhorns want to pick your hearts and guts up off the floor and get out here for a real fight then the dirtiest booby enhancer in the game, the meanest son of a gun there ever was and a man who already has his wooden leg aimed at your throats will be more than happy to give you the biggest ass whipping of your lives!
[“How High” by Method Man & Redman plays.]
NH: And their opponents… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja; Up In Smoke!
TC: Up In Smoke is in dire straits! They’re geared up in bandages and they’ve got the Entities Of Destruction gunning for them!
SMP: What a sorry sight. Hey G’s, if you just want to leave that’s fine with me. There’s no shame in saving your skin, what’s left of it.
[douja lights up three blunts, a joint, a pipe and a two bongs and passes them around.]
douja: lets get this thing crunk!
SMP: You do know marijuana is illegal, right?
[As Up In Smoke walks slowly, very slowly, to the ring douja pulls out a water pistol and squirts it at SMP.]
TC: Well that was just the cherry on the parquet.
[Up In Smoke climb into the ring and swing their arms from side to side above their heads. The audience joins in.]
Joe: Yeah! What? Ok! Let’s get it cruuunk.
Kobe: Somebody give me a chair!
[The fans all stand up for the faces, pick up the chairs they were sitting on and throw them into the ring.]
Styles: Holy shit!
[The fans keep throwing their chairs as they begin to pile up. The Entities Of Destruction bail out of the ring.]
SMP: I said there WASN’T going to be any of that hardcore shit in this match!
[douja picks up a chair and throws it like a baseball at SMP’s head, who dodges and the chair crashes down and into the floor. SMP has a furious expression on his face. Up In Smoke get back into the groove and start dancing again as the chair avalanche slowly starts to dies off.]
TC: The fans are on their feet!
SW: Thanks Captain Obvious.
Styles: Up In Smoke start sliding the excess of steel chairs out of the ring with their feet. I guess they don’t need that many.
SW: There’s plenty of surplus though if they need one.
Styles: Death climbs into the ring as Up In Smokes’ backs are turned and whips them all with a bull rope. He lifts Joe up and slams him down hard with an Oklahoma Stampede. 1, 2, and Kobe breaks up the pin.
SW: He’s probably more pissed off that his blunt got knocked out of his mouth than Joe being slammed.
Styles: Death sends douja flying out of the ring with a big foot and starts trading punches with Kobe.
TC: Here we go, it’s on!
Styles: Kobe tries to drive his fingers into Death’s throat, but big boney blocks and gives him a palm to the nose.
TC: That’ll make your eyes water.
Styles: Kobe grits his teeth and knocks Death back with a ferocious shot to the skull. Death shrugs it off and takes Kobe down with a running bell clap! 1, 2, and Kobe kicks out!
[Kid Pirate slides into the ring with a metal pan.]
Styles: Kid Pirate is in and Death flips Kobe over before exiting to take care of douja.
TC: What’s he doing?
Styles: Kid Pirate grips the metal pan by either side and holds it over Kobe’s face before wrenching back with a camel clutch!
SW: And it has pieces of streaky bacon on it!
Styles: Joe comes to and breaks the hold with a boot to the back. He rips the metal pan out of Kid Pirate’s hands and cracks it over his head!
TC: Where the hell is SMP among all this?
SW: I’d wager he took a toilet break.
Styles: On the outside Death is ramming a steel chair edgeways into douja’s spine like he were digging a grave.
TC: Bam! Bam!
Styles: And Death takes off with a gaudy stride as the fans boo. He doesn’t see Joe Bananas up top and gets taken down with a diving plancha!
TC: What athleticism!
Styles: In the ring Kobe teleports to his and hooks Kid Pirate between his legs. Lifts him up and a leaping Doctor Bomb connects! 1, 2, and…
CRACK!
Styles: SMP just broke up the pin with a Singapore cane, which splintered into a thousand pieces over Kobe’s head!
TC: He was playing possum!
Styles: SMP locks in an oriental spike on Kobe, but he muscles out. SMP chops him across the throat and locks the oriental spike in a second time. Kobe struggles up and kicks SMP in the belly. SMP keeps his cool and rakes the eyes.
TC: He’s a God damn bad apple! He said he despised the hardcore style!
SW: He doesn’t really have a choice.
Styles: Low blow attempt caught by Kobe and throws the arm away. SMP sidesteps a pump kick and hits a sickening throat thrust. SMP grabs Kobe by his jersey and starts tearing it off whilst pummeling him with closed fists. Joe comes in to help but SMP knocks him down with a bionic elbow.
TC: For God’s sake, let the poor man wear his damn shirt!
Styles: SMP pulls the jersey right off and boots Kobe. He hooks an arm and runs to the ropes… and sends Kobe flying out of the ring onto a mountain of steel chairs!
TC: He doesn’t care if he breaks his damn back!
Styles: Kid Pirate is up now. He and SMP double team a defenseless Joe with stomps to the head and chest. Now Death is in and he gladly joins in on the violence.
[Death holds up his hand.]
Death: Wait a minute! I’ve got an idea.
Styles: Death makes some hand signals to Kid Pirate and he climbs out of the ring. Death lifts Joe up in a bearhug and sits him on the top turnbuckle as Kid Pirate crawls in under the apron.
[Death stands up a steel chair a few paces ahead of Joe.]
TC: What the hell is going on here?
Styles: Kid Pirate is back from under the ring… and he’s got a table!
[Kid Pirate clears a spot and sets up the table behind Joe. Death casually strolls to the opposite corner.]
Styles: He wouldn’t.
SW: He can’t!
Styles: Death runs up, hops off the steel chair and hits a flying stinger splash on Joe, sending him falling like Wile E Coyote through the table!
SW: Holy shit!
Styles: And it’s douja! douja is back! Clothesline takes Kid Pirate Down! Single leg dropkick sends Death tumbling like a house of cards out of the ring! But SMP drives him into the mat with a Double D Spinebuster!
TC: And Kobe and Joe are marinating in their own blood on the outside! He’s helpless!
Styles: SMP picks up a steel chair with a look of disdain and holds it over his arm before dropping an elbow right on top of douja’s face! douja erupts with blood like a geyser on impact!
TC: I think he broke his nose.
SW: Either that or it was made out of silly putty all along.
Styles: SMP laughs an evil laugh. He’s got douja hooked, Med Degree! NO! Kobe Gyant from behind with a chairshot stops SMP cold! But Kobe falls to one, he’s hurt really bad. SMP holds the back of his head in pain, with a lemon sour snarl on his lips. He takes advantage of Kobe’s weakened state and holds him between his legs. SCALPEL’S EDGE! IT’S OVER! 1, 2, NO! douja, with a face like an upturned bottle of pasta sauce, uses every ounce of strength he had left to break the cover!
[He quickly takes a toke on a pipe.]
Styles: douja tries to break SMP’s teeth with an angry chairshot!
TC: He’s like popeye!
Styles: And another chairshot! And another! douja turns the chair sideways and almost slices SMP’s head in half with repeated chairshots! douja lifts him up… CHRONIC NECK PAIN! Joe ties that bullrope around Death and Kid Pirate on the outside and reign them back! 1, 2, 3!
NH: Here are your winners of tonight’s six-man tag team tournament… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja… UP IN SMOKE!
TC: That match was hellacious! What a war between these two teams!
Styles: Death and Kid Pirate break from the bullrope and drag SMP out of the ring. They climb over the guardrail and retreat through the crowd.
TC: They’re getting the hell out of dodge! |
