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Brawlers On a Budget > Episodes > Send Us Money: Leader Of The Pack


Intro

StylesScotty Whatbody

[“Die Dead Enough” by Megadeth plays as we pan the American Airlines Arena in Miami, Florida.]

TC: Through hellfire and keystone… finally… The Commentator has come back… to Brawlers On A Budget!

SW: *sigh*

Styles: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to Send Us Money: Leader Of The Pack! Tonight we will be holding a special six-man tag team tournament. The winning team will then face the sponsor of this show in a requested three on one handicap match. The question is, who is this mysterious benefactor?

TC: It could be anyone!

SW: With tens of thousands of dollars to throw away. Who the hell asks to be in a three on one handicap match anyway?

Graphic Flatulence, Stinkbutt Nastyass & Urine
vs.
Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano & Soem Guy In A Mask

Graphic FlatulenceStinkbutt NastyassUrine
Kamikazie KenInsano ManoSoem Guy In A Mask

NH: The following contest is the opening match of tonight’s six-man tag team tournament!

[“Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson plays.]

NH: Introducing first, forming tonight as The Smelly Team… Graphic Flatulence, Stinkbutt Nastyass & Urine!

SW: Oh shit, we’ve opened up a can of worms now.

TC: This team is greasier than a slug in heat and twice as fragrant.

SW: Hey, I’m the greasy one here! What am I, chopped liver to you?

TC: You’re not greasy, just seedy.

Styles: Not to mention an alcoholic. How many bottles of wine have you got lined up for this show, Scotty?

SW: Very funny Styles, like I’m magically going to get through a BOB show sober.

[“Little Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano & Soem Guy In A Mask; Grupo Mexicano!

SW: Soem Guy is Mexican?

Styles: And here we go folks, Urine with the sloppiest dropkick in the business knocks Mano down on his butt!

SW: I forgot how crummy a wrestler Urine is.

Styles: As Urine showboats to the crowd he doesn’t see Mano rise to his feet behind him. Graphic and Stinkbutt try to warn him but he gets creamed in the back of the skull with a stiff superkick.

TC: That one had some tabasco sauce on it.

Styles: Urine tries to stand, but tumbles backwards like a puppet with tangled strings to his team’s corner. He holds the back of his head in pain and Stinkbutt tags himself in. Then he lets rip.

SW: Jesus Christ! I can’t take it guys, the smell is too bad!

Styles: Stinkbutt opens a bag of Doritos and stuffs a fistful into his mouth before belching them half chewed in Mano’s face.

TC: Most of the front row can tell they’re jalapeno flavor now.

Styles: Stinkbutt laughs as Mano tries his damndest to wipe the chips off his mask. He flexes his muscles, despite looking like bags of clay, and tries for an eye poke on Mano… but gets blocked three stooges style and kicked in the belly. Mano hops on the ropes and hits a beautiful slingshot back elbow right to the jaw. He opts out of making a cover to tag Kamikazie Ken into the match.

TC: Stinkbutt is a damned bad apple, I hope he gets what’s coming to him.

Styles: Ken steels his nerve against the smell and chops Stinkbutt across the chest. Irish whip and Ken explodes off the opposite set of ropes with a flying headscissors takedown. Stinkbutt rolls to his team’s corner and tags Graphic Flatulence in.

SW: Oh shit, here we go. This guy smells even worse.

Styles: Hip attack connects on Ken, Graphic utilizing his innate farting ability to add some insult to injury. Graphic drags Ken by the wrists toward the turnbuckles and heads to the second rope. Banzai drop coming up… Ken escapes in time and snaps a thunderous dropkick to the side of Graphic Flatulence’s head. 1, 2, and Graphic kicks out. Ken tags in Soem Guy In A Mask.

SW: So who is the Soem Guy behind a mask this time?

TC: Beats me.

Styles: Soem Guy lets out a blood curdling scream and starts pounding Graphic Flatulence with rapid-fire fists to the temple. Graphic uppercuts him in desperation and stumbles across to his corner to tag in Urine.

SW: I’m surprised Urine has any gas left in the tank, he’s usually in danger of having a heart attack just from standing on the apron.

Styles: Soem Guy thinks on his toes and elbows Urine before sending him for the ride with an irish whip. La Filomena kick connects! He leaps to the ropes and hits a picture perfect lionsault. 1, 2, and no! Urine just manages to get the shoulder up.

TC: Urine is seeing stars right now.

Styles: Soem Guy tries to lift Urine to his feet but a hand reaches up and locks him in an iron claw. Urine makes it to his feet and kicks Soem Guy in the ribs so he can tuck him between his legs. Urine hauls the mystery man up for a powerbomb but gets taken down with a hoodancanrana… and Soem Guy keeps his legs locked around the neck and flips his body backwards for a grounded variation of the move… and does the same again to hit an incredibly unorthodox triple hoodancanrana.

TC: That was amazing!

Styles: Lightning doesn’t strike twice however; as Soem Guy stands to catch his breath before going for fourth Urine scoops him up at the knees and drives him into the turnbuckles with a vicious spinebuster. The tag is made to Stinkbutt Nastyass and both men assault Soem Guy with a barrage of sickening boots.

TC: I’ll give credit where credit’s due. These luchadores have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at these stinky individuals and they’re still going hell for leather.

Styles: Referee Vicky Jean forces Urine out to the apron. Stinkbutt roars out as he lifts Soem Guy up over his head with a gorilla press. He takes a few steps towards the center of the ring, showing off his power and strength to the audience. Ken and Mano look at each.

[They both smirk and nod in agreement without even saying a word.]

Styles: Double springboard spinning heel kick takes the big man down, and Soem Guy lands on top of him! 1, 2, and NO! Somehow he managed to kick out!

TC: Now Urine and Graphic Flatulence are muscling their way into the equation.

Styles: Ken and Mano valiantly fight them off; sterero dropkicks send the big men tumbling out through the ropes!

[Soem Guy motions for Ken to exit to the apron.]

Styles: Soem Guy lifts Stinkbutt to his feet and stomps his foot on the canvas before body slamming the big man down hard. He makes the tag to Kamikazie Ken who climbs to the top rope. Ken swings his arms round in circles, points to the sky and salutes before leaping into the air and hitting the 780 Kenton Bomb! Ay mi dios! 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are your winners… Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano & Soem Guy In A Mask… Grupo Mexicano!

Hamster Tits

Hamster GirlSam, Sam The Dancing YamHarvey the Hardcore Hippo

[Backstage we see a huge sphere of lime bubblegum, until it bursts over the face of a girl in a pink hamster costume. She claws the gum off, pops it back in her mouth, and continues chewing as she plays with a set of Ken and Barbie dolls.]

Hamster Girl (Barbie Voice): Ken, are we going to get married in Washington DC?

HG (Ken Voice): Uh, Barbie, you know I’m too busy with my job to get married at this point in time. I’m trying for a big promotion, once I get that I’ll be ready to settle down, with financial security.

HG (BV): Ken, we are getting married. And if you try and run away from me I will hunt you down. I will hunt you down to Chinatown, mister.

[The door opens and Hamster Girl stuffs the dolls into a desk drawer as quickly as she can. She flicks her hair back and tries to act casual.]

HG: Hey guys.

[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam and Harvey The Hardcore Hippo wave to her.]

SSTDY: So dude, I swear this chick had the biggest tits I’ve ever seen. They were like two plates of jell-o just wobbling around inside her top.

HG: Hey! I ought to knock your lights out, buster!

HTHH: You heard him?

[Hamster Girl points to her giant hamster ears.]

HG: Duh, super hearing.

SSTDY: Ah geez, I’m sorry. Hey, you’re Hamster Girl right?

[She points a thumb at her chest and smiles.]

HG: That’s me.

SSTDY: You’re the third member of our team! Boy am I glad we found you. I just read the brackets and we’re facing some team named the Kent State Krew. Sounds scary, huh?

HG: I watched all the old tapes, we can beat them. You can do anything if you set your mind to it!

HTHH: Yeah! That’s the spirit!

XXXtreme Machine, Super Mollusc & Bivalve
vs.
Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate

XXXtreme MachineSuper MolluscBivalve
Dr. Silaconne M. PlantsDeathKid Pirate

NH: The following contest is the second match in tonight’s tournament!

[“We Can Sell It For You Wholesale” plays.]

NH: Introducing first… XXXtreme Machine, Super Mollusc & Bivalve; Jobbers Inc!

TC: Jobbers Inc. reunite!

SW: This one wont last long.

[“Symphony Of Destruction” by Megadeth plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate; The Entities Of Destruction!

TC: Get rid of that nacho cheese and grate some mozzarella on a plate of spaghetti with some ragu sauce and a few olives… because ‘The Smooth Operator’ SMP is in the house!

Styles: The Entities Of Destruction have been THE dominant force in BOB this past year, and have seemingly been given a virtual pass to the next round.

SW: That’s what having friends in high places does for you.

Styles: XXXtreme Machine and SMP set to start out. XXXtreme wants to go for a test of strength, but SMP just stands there with a sneer on his face and his arms folded over his chest.

XM: f1te mie damet~!!1

SW: Kick wham Nipple Cutter. Thanks for coming Jobbers Inc. 1, 2, 3.

NH: Here are your winners… Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate… The Entities Of Destruction!

TC: The Entities Of Destruction make their way to the back, arms raised in celebration as XXXtreme Machine gets scraped off the mat like roadkill.

The Undietaker, Khan & Randy
vs.
The Great, Pete Trable & Cyborg Angelina X

The New UndietakerKhan HandiRandy Handi
The GreatPete "XFactor" TrableCyborg Angelina X

Styles: Well, the ring is clear now, let’s hand it over to Nurse Heidi once again.

NH: The following contest is the third match in tonight’s tournament!

[“Undies” by Limp Bizkit plays.]

NH: Introducing first… The Undietaker, Khan & Randy; The Handis!

SW: Hold on to your undies Styles!

[“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones plays.]

NH: And their opponents… The Great, Pete Trable & Cyborg Angelina X; Team Greatness!

[The camera shows them walking out from behind the curtain. The Great is wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses, Trable some baggy camo shorts, gold rings and a Slick Rick eyepatch and Cyborg Angelina X a sexy low cut shirt over her Pamela Anderson implants, showing tons of cleavage.]

SW: Woo hoo! I’ve died and gone to heaven!

Styles: Both teams are in the ring now. The Great removes his leather jacket and sunglasses and tosses them out over the top rope.

SW: Do you think Angelina has some pink colored metal down there? Wouldn’t that be like doing it with a lobster with all the sharp pointy bits?

Styles: Trable walks to the center of the ring looking at the mat with his hands in his pockets. Randy pokes him in the chest with a sausage-like finger.

Randy: Hey man, look at me!

TC: You’d better walk on eggshells around a seven footer like Randy.

Styles: Randy digs his finger in under Trable’s chin and forces him to look up at him. Trable smiles a big, gold toothed grin.

TC: Randy practically has steam pouring out of his ears!

SW: What ticked him off so much, the gold teeth or the frosting in his hair?

Styles: Randy mockingly lifts his hands up high and calls for a test of strength. Trable pinches his nose and wafts at the air.

Trable: Your BO smells worse than being stuck in an elevator with Graphic Flatulence. And how many cheeseburgers have you driven into that gut of yours? It must take an entire gallon of pepsi to wash all that shit down.

Randy: MEEEEEEEAH!

Styles: Randy knocks Trable down with a massive clothesline!

TC: He’s certainly been taking his vitamin c.

SW: Crack?

TC: No, Scotty! Orange juice!

SW: Oh.

Styles: Randy traps Trable in a hammerlock and claws his hand down his face like he was zesting a lemon.

TC: He’s trying to rip his damn face off with that slimy claw of his!

Styles: Randy slices a Mongolian chop to the sides of Trable’s neck before squeezing his head in a vice grip.

SW: Watch out, he’s gonna pop!

Styles: Trable kicks his leg back over his head and scrambles to his feet. Makes the tag to Cyborg Angelina X.

TC: Angelina is as pretty as a flower in the morning dew.

SW: And has a huge rack to boot! Look at them things go!

Styles: Angelina surprises an overly confident Randy with a flurry of punches. Hooks to the ribs, jabs to the nose, battering ram like straights and she finishes it off with a huge leaping uppercut.

TC: She’s floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.

Styles: Randy stumbles back in shock and tags The Undietaker.

SW: Bwahaha! I wonder if he wants her metal panties.

Styles: Undietaker slowly climbs in through the ropes. His eyes roll into the back of his head and he starts chanting in latin.

Undietaker: Ondergoed broek en knickerbockers. Aha aha.

TC: I don’t care if you’re a robot, a bodybuilder, an alligator, a gorilla with a machine gun, there’s little margin for error when you step in the ring with The Undietaker. He is PURE evil.

Styles: Angelina wipes Randy’s sweat off her hands and puts up her dukes.

SW: Undietaker has a look on his face like someone just squirted grapefruit juice in his eye.

Styles: Angelina tries to pepper him with jabs, but he deflects them with ease. He drives a big boot with all his strength into her face. He gets down on his hands and knees and starts trying to pull off her tights.

Angelina: I see what you want.

Styles: Undietaker finally tears her tights right off her legs, revealing a pair of platinum panties.

SW: White gold!

Styles: She smirks and repeatedly digs the heel of her boot viciously into his nose. She rolls off her back and knocks Undietaker down with a powerfully executed mafia kick.

TC: He’s had a mudhole stomped in him!

Styles: Undietaker gingerly stands, holding his cheekbone in pain, and tags in Khan. Cyborg Angelina giggles and tags Trable back in.

Khan: Unietaker, can I have some cheese if I win?

Undietaker: Shut up and kill him!

Khan: Piece of cake!

Styles: Khan turns around and walks into a dropkick from Trable.

Khan: Unietaker, it hurts!

Undietaker: You repulsive little worm! Fine, tag Randy back in.

Styles: Randy is back in the match and Trable wisely tags out to The Great. Even he is showing a lot of guts facing this hulking monster of a man.

SW: Maybe he’s played against the Big Show on Smackdown vs Raw a lot.

Styles: The Great with a set of body punches and haymakers softens Randy up. Summons all the strength he can to haul Randy up into a bearhug 02 before following through with a belly to belly 06.

TC: What power!

[Randy stands, his head spinning.]

Styles: Randy is on dream street as The Great hits a headbut 04. And an STO 02 drives the big man down hard! 1, 2, and Undietaker breaks up the cover.

SW: The Great looks pissed.

Styles: As Undietaker heads back to his corner The Great spins him round.

Great: Hey, you can’t do that!

Undietaker: Sorry bub, way it goes.

TC: Twist Of Great on The Undietaker!

Khan: What did you just do to Undietaker?

TC: Twist Of Great on Khan! By gawd it’s carnage!

Styles: Randy sits up but gets an elbow drop 16 driven into his heart. The Great locks in The Great’s Figure Eight!

TC: He’s screaming in agony!

Styles: Randy taps!

NH: Here are your winners… The Great, Pete Trable and Cyborg Angelina X… Team Greatness!

TC: That was a walk in the park for The Great.

SW: Let’s celebrate with some key lime pie soaked in vodka. It’s like a jell-o shooter with a crust.

hardkorr!!111

Ken WarKevin the PyromaniacMr. Intensity

[Backstage Ken War (a former WR4I/fWEo wrestler), Kevin The Pyromaniac and Mr. Intensity are preparing for their match later tonight against the Fetish Freaks. Kevin and Mr. Intensity are arguing over which sort of gasoline to use and Ken is picking his nose.]

KW: et duthmt m4tta wud gesulin u yuz~1! Kne Wrar ez haw 2 wem teh mach 4 u~!!!

MI: Who the hell ARE you?!

KW: r u deph??2 em KNE WER~.~!

MI: Wow, you’re worse than XXXtreme Machine.

KW: hi stul mah ginmik damet!!!!!

KtP: Look, we need to be more inventive. They wont let us use molotov cocktails, but if we fill some balloons with gas and put them in our pockets those freaks wont know what him them.

KW: juth lut mi du teh wruslin1

MI: AGHHHHHHH!

Sarah_bot, Kay Fabe & Little Good
vs.
Jerri Li, Xing Long & Chingachgook

Sarah_botKay FabeLittle Good
Jerri LiXing Long LiChingachgook

NH: The following contest is the fourth match in tonight’s tournament!

[“Metalstorm / Face The Slayer” by Slayer plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Sarah_bot, Kay Fabe & Little Good; The Shaggy Gang!

SW: I’ve been meaning to get me one of those Sarah_bots.

TC: I hear they cost a pretty penny.

[“Samurai Storm” by Yoshida Brothers plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Jerri Li, Xing Long & Chingachgook; Team Vietnam!

SW: Oh thank God, Jerri’s wearing that catholic schoolgirl uniform again.

[Team Vietnam climb into the ring and Little Good looks at them with a confused look on his face.]

LG: Who the hell are these rice pickers?

[Chingachgook reaches into his light green kimono and pulls out a bottle of rice wine and a pipe.]

LG: Now he’s smoking sherm? You put curry powder and soy sauce in that shit there Hirohito?

[Jerri’s lip curls into a snarl.]

Jerri: Xing.

[Xing Long steps up to the middle of the ring. Kay Fabe also steps forward.]

KF: Hi!

SW: Kay had better be careful, I hear Xing likes to wedge bamboo under people’s fingernails.

[Xing cracks her knuckles over her chest.]

SW: I swear they should change their name to Team Sweet & Sour.

TC: Which one is sweet exactly?

Styles: Kay Fabe launches with her fists flying but Xing easily sidesteps and wags her finger from side to side.

Xing: Tisk tisk.

Styles: Kay goes on the attack again, but Xing reacts quickly. Wraps her arms around her and pops her hips for a big belly to belly suplex.

SW: I can’t take it anymore, Jerri’s outfit is driving me out of my mind!

TC: Good gawd man, keep it in your pants!

Styles: Kay eventually gets to her feet, Xing waiting patiently, and charges with a head full of steam. High kick from Xing ducked under. She turns around into a spin kick to the stomach and a gutwrench suplex takes the Vietnam native down. 1, 2, and Xing kicks out with authority.

TC: This match is electric, these women are on fire!

Styles: Xing grinds her teeth as she gets up. Kay Fabe combs her hair out of her face and giggles.

TC: You can tell Xing is upset.

Styles: Xing goes back on the offensive with an irish whip but gets reversed and hits the turnbuckles. Kay follows with a stiff boot and clambers up the ropes behind her opponent. Diamond Dust connects! 1, 2, and Xing just manages to kick out!

TC: She’s visibly gritting her teeth, you can tell she doesn’t like being on the losing side of the match.

Styles: Kay Fabe does a little twirl and lifts Xing back up. She goes for a German suplex, but Xing flips out onto her feet and front dropkicks her in the back.

[Jerri leans over the ropes.]

Jerri: Come on Xing, cut her to ribbons!

SW: Gillette, the best a man can get. A big thank you to whoever invented the mini skirt.

TC: It’s crystal clear how much of an icky pervert you are Scotty.

SW: Oh please, like every red blooded male in the building didn’t look.

Styles: Xing with a kick to the side of Kay’s thigh as she clambers to her feet. Lifts the same leg at the ankle and trips the other. Xing drops into a side leglock but Kay shuffles on her butt and gets to the ropes.

Vicky Jean: 1, 2, 3, 4… break the hold Xing!

Styles: Xing sneers at the referee and stomps Kay Fabe in the head a few times.

Chingachgook: Xing! Tag Jerri in!

[She does as she’s told.]

Styles: Jerri in the match now just as Kay Fabe tags out to Sarah_bot.

TC: Jerri looks a little confused, this robot looks exactly like Sarah.

SW: Uh-huh. She’s silver under her skin though.

Chingachgook: Empty your mind, Jerri. It’s not Sarah.

Jerri: I’ll tear her to shreds anyway.

Styles: Jerri pounces like a jaguar on Sarah_bot and slashes her fingernails across her face repeatedly in criss cross motions.

TC: She’s lost her damn marbles!

Styles: Sarah_bot is absolutely defenseless as Jerri starts dropping fists like pistons. Jerri gets up off her and waves her up.

Jerri: Get up Sarah! No matter how many times I beat you, you keep coming back for more!

Chingachgook: Jerri, it’s NOT Sarah!

Jerri: Keep your trap shut old man!

Styles: Jerri dives at Sarah_bot and hits a spinning neckbreaker. She rolls onto her feet and pulls Sarah_bot up with her. Double arm backbreaker drives Sarah_bot onto the knee hard! 1, 2, and she kicks out!

[Jerri screams in a high-pitched tone.]

TC: She’s a woman possessed!

SW: I would eat that bitch’s pussy out till the cows come home.

Styles: Do you mean literally? I think that’s what she’d want.

SW: What do you mean? Till some cows actually come home?

Styles: *sigh* Anyway, as Jerri starts ramming Sarah_bot’s head into a turnbuckle Chingachgook whistles to try and get her attention.

Chingachgook: Jerri, tag out to Xing!

Jerri: Who made you the brains behind the operation?

Chingachgook: Why you little…

Styles: Chingachgook climbs into the ring and spins Jerri round.

Chingachgook: Now you listen here, I’m the leader of this group!

Jerri: Says who?

Chingachgook: Says me!

[Jerri pushes him to the mat and goes back to work on Sarah_bot.]

Chingachgook: Xing!

Styles: Xing Long is in the ring now with a pair of nightsticks. Jerri is too focused on Sarah_bot to notice, but Xing starts spinning those damn things like an electric fan and SMACKS Jerri in the back of the head! Jerri drops like a sack of potatoes.

TC: She’s out cold!

[Chingachgook drags Jerri towards Team Vietnam’s corner so he can tag himself in. As he does so Sarah_bot tags in Little Good.]

Styles: Little Good and Chingachgook are squaring off as Jerri lies unconscious. Xing just stands coldly out on the apron with a blank, heartless expression on her face.

TC: She’s got a lot of guts taking Jerri out like that.

Styles: Chingachgook hits a tornado high kick to the side of Little Good’s head, takes him over with a kung fu toss, and drops an axe kick to the chest… which Little Good catches between his hands. Little Good hops to his feet and takes Chingachgook over with a sloppy dragon screw. As Chingachgook wobbles to his feet Little Good rolls him up and props his legs up on the second rope. 1, 2, 3! He got him!

NH: Here are your winners… Sarah_bot, Kay Fabe & Little Good… The Shaggy Gang!

Crazy No-Eyed Mofo

Kobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja

[Cut backstage. Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas and douja are stood around a vending machine. douja is trying to get the machine to accept his dollar, but it keeps spitting it back out.]

Kobe: Don’t you have any quarters douja?

[douja looks up at him, then at the vending machine, then back at Kobe.]

douja: what?

Joe: Here, I’ve got some.

[Joe takes a quarter out of his pocket and puts it into the machine. douja smiles and presses a button.]

douja: Hot Tamales!

Ken War

[Suddenly, Ken War barges past all three of them so he can get at the vending machine.]

Kobe: Who the hell are you?

KW: eym Cen Raw!!

Kobe: Cen Raw?

KW: ETZ KAN WUR DEMAS~!!!!

douja: duuude, i know this guy… sphere, right?

[Ken War’s face turns bright red.]

KW: IPS KEM WAH~~!!!

douja: oh yeah, ken war. man, even i dont know what youre saying and im higher than space.

Kobe: Woah, that’s deep. There ain’t nuthin higher than space.

KW: Xcepd ged!!!

Joe: You’re a stinky bastard Ken, why don’t you go hit the showers?

Kobe: Yeah, go on Ken. Hit the bricks.

[Ken’s Klondike Bar pops out.]

KW: u wz leefen enewey!!1

Kobe: Were we?

[Ken sighs and barges back past them.]

Kobe: Crazy four eyed mofo.

Joe: Dude, he was wearing sunglasses. That’d make him no eyes.

[Joe and douja high five.]

Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam, Harvey The Hardcore Hippo & Hamster Girl
vs.
Jim, Josh & Brandon

Hamster GirlSam, Sam The Dancing YamHarvey the Hardcore Hippo
Jim "Totally Packaged"Massive Man Rendition FirstBrandon "Bitch Smacker"

NH: The following contest is the fifth match in tonight’s tournament!

[“Hello” by Lionel Richie plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam, Harvey The Hardcore Hippo & Hamster Girl; The New Face Team!

SW: Hamster Girl told me earlier she wanted her team to come out to 50 Cent’s song ‘Candyshop’.

TC: Didn’t anyone tell her not to talk to strangers?

SW: I dunno, but she’ll talk to anyone that gives her candy. She didn’t seem to understand what I wanted her to do with a bag pop rox though.

[“She Bangs” by Ricky Martin plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Jim, Josh & Brandon; The Kent State Krew!

TC: The Ken State Krew reunites, still oozing charisma after all these years!

Jim: Well what do we have here?

SSTDY: I’m Sam…

Brandon: Sam The Seed?! Holy shit dude, you like totally whipped Jackie Chan’s ass into shape in all those karate movies!

SSTDY: I’m a yam actually, and a dancing one to boot.

[He starts dancing. Hamster Girl smiles and joins in.]

Josh: And I’ve seen pink elephants before, but what is this bitch supposed to be?

[Hamster Girl stops dancing.]

HG: Bitch!? Why I oughta…

Jim: And a great big freaking hippo. Wow, this is what passes for competition in BOB these days?

Josh: It’s an easy way to the next round at least.

HTHH: We’re no pushovers! Sam, stop dancing for Christ’s sake, they just insulted us!

[Josh pushes Harvey over.]

Josh: See? You are pushovers after all.

HG: You’re just a bunch of bullies!

Jim: We’re heart throbs too, missy. I guarantee you used to have our posters on the wall of your bedroom.

HG: I’d never even heard of you before tonight.

Josh: You’ll be tearing the posters down with tears in your eyes after the beating we’re about to give you three jobbers. Jim, why don’t you start this one out? And go easy on them, they look a little sensitive.

Styles: Here we go fans, it’s BOB veterans versus three of our newest competitors.

TC: This one should be a barn burner.

Styles: Harvey The Hardcore Hippo and Jim starting this match out. Test of strength easily turned into a top wristlock by Jim. Pulls the carpet out from under Harvey with a trip and locks in a head and shoulder hold. Sam comes in and stomps Jim to break up the move.

TC: Jim’s catch-as-catch-can abilities are unrivalled, the New Face Team has no option but to try and avoid his technique like the black plague.

SW: You’re basically saying they can’t wrestle.

TC: Well, Hamster Girl knows that one move she uses as a finisher.

Jim: Pfft, I’ve been doing that move since the 5th frickin grade.

TC: How did he hear us?

Styles: Jim hauls Harvey’s body weight up and snaps him over with a head and arm-trap suplex. There’s the cover. 1, 2, and Harvey kicks out.

TC: Jim is dominating so far.

Styles: Jim throws a keylock on Harvey, who screams out in pain.

TC: Jim can make any hold more painful than you’ve ever even imagined.

SW: Yeah, but, to be honest he’s fighting a giant fucking teddy bear.

Styles: Jim pulls back and hits a soccer kick to Harvey’s spine before tagging out to Brandon.

TC: Harvey’s eyes are glazed over.

Styles: Brandon with a snapmare and a dropkick to the back. 1, 2, and Harvey kicks out. Brandon slingshots as the hardcore hippo stands and dropkicks him hard, sending him right out of the ring.

[Sam, Sam and Hamster Girl boo and hiss.]

TC: Harvey looks a little punch drunk on the outside.

Styles: Brandon runs off the ropes and takes to the air like a flying squirrel, but Harvey ducks and rolls out of the plancha’s landing zone. The referee starts the count and Harvey tags Hamster Girl into the match.

[Hamster Girl finishes off the taffy she was eating and skips to the apron.]

HG: La-di-da-di-di.

SSTDY: Come on girl, get your head out of the clouds!

HG: Oh, right.

Styles: Hamster Girl runs along the apron and hits a diving hip attack on Brandon.

SW: I bet under that pink hamster costume she’s got a creamy set of thighs.

Styles: Scotty!

HG: You want some more?

Styles: Hamster Girl tries to climb up on the guardrail, but loses her footing and falls into a fan’s lap.

Fan: Hey, I got me my very own Powerpuff Girl!

Styles: As Brandon stands laughing and pointing, Hamster Girl grabs the fan’s beer and smashes it over Brandon’s head. She tries a second time to balance on the guardrail and hits another flying hip attack.

Vicky Jean: Get back in the ring!

Styles: Hamster Girl climbs in through the ropes and tags Sam. Brandon then rolls in and tags out to Josh. Josh charges at Sam and takes him over the top rope with a cactus clothesline.

Vicky Jean: For crying out loud!

Styles: Josh rolls Sam back in with a smile on his face. He continues to smirk, and takes his time getting back into the ring. Sam surprises him with a boot to the gut and a DDT. Vulcan Death Grip applied!

SW: What a nerd.

TC: The move seems effective though, Josh is hollering like a one legged man on a pogostick.

SW: What the hell kind of an analogy was that?

Styles: Sam takes the other hand and makes it a double. He drags Josh by the neck to his team’s corner so he can tag Harvey back in. The hardcore hippo takes a few steps back, makes a picture frame with his hands, and drives a diving shoulder right in Josh’s mouth. 1, 2, and he kicks out.

SW: That was weird.

Styles: Harvey whips Josh to the turnbuckles, but Josh lifts a foot as he charges and knocks him on his back. Josh scoots up to the second rope and lands a diving double axe handle. 1, 2, and no. Josh climbs up to the top rope facing the audience and starts dancing.

SW: It’s like Saturday Night Fever.

Styles: Harvey crawls unnoticed to his teams corner and tags Sam. Sam starts dancing himself. Josh looks back over his shoulder and hops down to the mat. Sam ducks a clothesline and rocks him with a right hand.

Josh: Dude, you totally punch like a girl.

Styles: There’s a kick and a Leap Of Fate! Jim and Brandon run in and block Harvey and Hamster Girl. 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are your winners… Jim, Josh & Brandon… The Kent State Krew!

Ultraviolence!

Rubba Ray DrudleyD-Van DrudleyLong Schlong DrudleySmall Tyke Drudley

[Cut backstage. Rubba Ray Drudley, D-Van Drudley, Long Schlong Drudley, Small Tyke Drudley, Sign Dude Drudley, Drudley Drudley, Crazy Horse Drudley, Judge Geoff Gones and Joel Bertner are stood in front of the camera.]

Bertner: Well, well, well. It is, the quintessential stud crumpet. Longer than time, stiffer than moonshine, better with a date than wine and saltier than brine. Yes, yes, yes… you’ve heard the hype, but now you can behold the sight. For it is I, Joel ‘the creamy mayonnaise in your wife’s chicken sandwich’ Bertner.

[Sign Dude holds up a ‘Buy a Drudley Boyz t-shirt’ sign.]

Bertner: Standing to my left, he is the rough, ready, roided up and rambunctious Rubba Ray Drudley! The man who stole your entire Blu-Ray collection just last night.

[Rubba holds up a copy of Dark Knight.]

Bertner: And to my right, weighing in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chiseled and JACKED weight unknown. He’s deeper than Plato, blacker than Darth Vader and the owner of a set of ashy knuckles that all his opponents teeth will break off on later… yes, they will all bite the dust. Raise the roof and give it up for D-Van Drudley!

[He points his finger in the air and spins around on one foot.]

Bertner: And in the back, two rusty metallic robot arms bigger than Christmas trees attached to the man who tore your girlfriends pussy apart like a yellow pages and sodomized her with his boot. He is the mammoth, he is the mastodon, he is the mechanical tyrannosaurus rex at the monster truck rally. This… is… Long Schlong Drudley!

[He beats his chest and roars.]

Rubba: Unlike Bertner, I’ll make this short and sweet. Later tonight we’re gonna face a team of PUNKS who claim to be ultraviolent. One of them looks like a high school teacher who just graduated the previous year, one looks like he works at a bowling alley and the other is a crack smoking hobo. Tonight, you will all discover the true meaning of ultraviolence when the 4D snaps your neck like a fucking brittle twig.

D-Van: Oh TESTIFY!

Ken War, Kevin The Pyromaniac & Mr. Intensity
vs.
Scatman, Christian St. Christian & Tentacle Beast

Ken WarKevin the PyromaniacMr. Intensity
ScatmanChristian St. ChristianTentacle Beast

NH: The following contest is the sixth match in tonight’s tournament!

[“Spy Hunter Theme” by Saliva plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Ken War, Kevin The Pyromaniac & Mr. Intensity; The Death Proof Team!

TC: By gawd it’s Ken War!

SW: So?

[“My Sperm Come Full Blast On Your Face” by Cunt Blasting plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Scatman, Christian St. Christian & Tentacle Beast; The Fetish Freaks!

TC: This is bound to be an unusual match.

SW: Well, that boils down to the fact that there’s a retard, a highly flammable teenager, a man who feels no pain, a gimp, a man covered in shit and Tentacle Beast in the ring. I’m gonna need an alka seltzer after this shit.

CSC: Are you three ready?

KW: eyem gnneh beet ju zo bsd~!1

[Kevin opens up a rusty old tin of paint and takes a big whiff. He nods.]

MI: COME GET SOME!

CSC: You’re all putty in my hands.

KW: fuk ov bek 2 rozwill~!!

CSC: I’m not an alien you idiot.

Styles: St. Christian swings that steel chain he uses as a weapon threateningly at Ken War. He points two of his fingers at his eyes and then at Ken before motioning Scatman to the middle of the ring.

Styles: Scatman and Mr. Intensity squaring off to start this match. Scatman does his patented swinging hips taunt before pumping his fists and groin back and forth.

TC: He’s sick in the head. I feel like I’m gonna dry heave every time I see him.

MI: Stop gyrating all over the place!

Scatman: Go get lost at the subway.

MI: What the fuck does that mean?

Scatman: It means keep your eyes on the road.

Styles: Scatman with a huge overhead punch actually manages to rock the big man.

TC: He caught him off guard with that one.

[Mr. Intensity feels at his forehead and finds a small trickle of blood. Scatman smiles and spits.]

Styles: Mr. Intensity doesn’t look too pleased. Scatman turns and pats his ass cheek before making a hasty retreat and tagging in Tentacle Beast.

TC: It’s a showdown!

Styles: Mr. Intensity spears Tentacle Beast and begins a barrage of punches to the head and body. He bunches tentacles up in his fists and swings Tentacle Beast round and round in circles at high speed.

[Scatman runs in and throws a bag of white powder in Mr. Intensity’s eyes.]

TC: He blinded him!

Styles: Mr. Intensity tries to claw the powder out of his eyes. Tentacle Beast lifts him up with one tentacle and spins him like a record player. Tentacle Beast then throws him like a ragdoll at the Death Proof Team’s corner. Ken War cockily tags himself in.

KW: etz tym 4 sem hadkoa#!

Styles: Tentacle Beast holds Ken by the top of his head as he swings wildly with punches.

TC: Ken is showing a lot of heart.

KW: FET FAYR YU FUKIN UCTOPES~!!

SW: His screaming is like nails on a chalkboard though.

Styles: Tentacle Beast wraps one of his slimy tentacles around Ken’s throat and dumps on his head with a chokeslam. On the apron Kevin is busy dousing his hand in gasoline. He climbs into the ring and sets it alight. FLAMING PUNCH!

TC: Good gawd almighty!

Styles: Scatman and St. Christian get in the ring but receive a series of flaming chops to keep them at bay.

[Mr. Intensity, never one to shy from the limelight, drenches himself to the bone in gas and ignites himself. He hauls Tentacle Beast’s massive body weight up with all his might.]

Styles: INTENSE BEARHUG!

TC: He’s cooking him!

[Tentacle Beast lets out a Godzilla-like scream as he is burnt to a crisp.]

Styles: Mr. Intensity drops the sizzling corpse to the mat and goes to help Kevin. Gorilla Press Slam sends St. Christian falling to the concrete outside.

KtP: Hold that stinky son of a bitch right there!

Styles: Kevin now setting his knee on fire. Mr. Intensity gives him Scatman and he lifts him for a powerbomb… Go 2 Hell connects!

[St. Christian scurries like a spider to the top rope.]

Styles: 1, 2, and out of nowhere St. Christian breaks the cover with a flying double stomp! Mr. Intensity swings with a clothesline but gets whipped in the eye with that steel chain.

TC: Ouch.

Styles: He continues to lash him with the chain as Scatman munches on a hard boiled egg. Radioactive fart to the face of Kevin!

[The Commentator holds back the urge to throw up.]

Styles: St. Christian takes a few steps back before hitting a running front dropkick that sends Mr. Intensity flying out through the ropes.

KW: HAADKOOAGH~~~!!!!!!!!!

Styles: Hardcore Spyke easily countered by Scatman. Stuffs Ken between his leg, gyrates, and hits the poowerbomb. St. Christian up on the top rope, moonsault turned all the way round into a double stomp. Ultimate Crush! 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are your winners… Scatman, Tentacle Beast & Christian St. Christian… The Fetish Freaks!

[Scatman holds a piece of rice paper drenched in chloroform under his nose.]

Yamster Dance

Hamster GirlSam, Sam The Dancing YamHarvey the Hardcore Hippo

[Backstage Hamster Girl is crying over her team’s loss to the Kent State Krew. Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam and Harvey The Hardcore Hippo are trying their best to console her, more upset over her losing than themselves.]

HTHH: Here, have a sip of diet pepsi.

HG: DIET?!

SSTDY: I’ll get you some yam juice.

[Hamster Girl quickly snatches the paper cup of diet pepsi and chugs on it.]

SSTDY: We did pretty well out there, right?

HTHH: I could have done with some looser stipulations, I’m hardcore damn it!

[Diet pepsi flies out of Hamster Girl’s nose as she laughs.]

HTHH: What?

HG: Sorry, nothing. You should have said something to the bookers. The match between the Ultraviolence Team and the Drudleys isn’t just No DQ, hardcore junk is encouraged. Not to mention every match the winners compete in throughout the tournament will get the same kind of treatment.

HTHH: Still, I didn’t get my chance to shine.

HG: Well, you kinda took it to Josh tonight, and he’s a respected veteran.

SSTDY: That’s gotta be worth something!

HTHHH: I guess.

SSTDY: Come on, let’s dance!

[Sam, Sam The Dancing Yam and Hamster Girl start dancing their cotton socks off. Harvey rolls his eyes and hits the showers.]

Eliza The Jobber Slayer, Tia Tarr & Barbie Banner
vs.
Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja

Eliza "The Jobber Slayer"Tia TarrThe Bride
Kobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja

NH: The following contest is the seventh match in tonight’s tournament!

[“Love To Love You Baby” by Donna Summer plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Eliza The Jobber Slayer, Tia Tarr & Barbie Banner; The Women’s Team!

SW (singing): Pretty woman, walking down the street. Pretty woman, wont you take my meat?

Styles: Scotty!

[“Juicy” by Notorious B.I.G. plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja… Up In Smoke!

TC: There’s a stark contrast between these three. Kobe is wearing the most expensive wrestling gear money can buy, Joe a Hawaiian shirt and black tights and douja’s just wearing a red string vest.

SW: You’re one to judge, Mr. barbecue sauce stains man.

Styles: Up In Smoke climb into the ring. Joe and douja spark up a joint as Kobe looks the opposition up and down, undressing them with his eyes.

Kobe: Let’s just make this as soft and casual as a tennis match ladies. We can all chill, sipping champagne and nibbling on strawberries, after we win. I see that sparkle in your eyes. I’m smoother than butter melting on toast, and I can make your loss as painless as possible.

Barbie: No thanks, we’re pretty confident we’ll win actually.

Kobe: Is that right? Well, have it your way.

[Kobe joins Joe and douja to take a few tokes on the spliff before the match begins.]

Styles: Tia Tarr and Joe Bananas starting out with a collar and elbow tie up. Knee to the belly by Tia followed up with a palm to the nose. Jump swinging DDT spikes Joe on the mat. 1, 2, and Joe kicks out. Early tag to Eliza, who grabs Joe by the legs and spins him round with a giant swing. She releases him whilst aiming for the corner and Joe nastily hits the ringpost sideways.

TC: Ouch, that may have cracked his ribs.

Styles: Tag out to Barbie Banner. She lifts Joe up in the corner and drives stiff elbows into the face.

SW: Bwahaha, he’s getting beaten up by women!

Styles: Jumping crane kick by Barbie. She turns Joe and takes him over with a tiger suplex. 1, 2, and Kobe breaks up the pin.

Kobe: Come on Joe, they’re just girls for fuck’s sake.

Styles: Kobe drags Joe’s body to the corner. douja tags himself in and runs up to Barbie. There’s a body slam and douja drops an elbow to follow. 1, 2, and no. douja off the ropes and drops a leg this time. 1, 2, and Eliza breaks it up.

SW: Not exactly a technical wizard is he?

Styles: Club to the back by douja. He drags Barbie to his team’s corner in a front necklock and tags Kobe Gyant.

[Kobe land a series of quick punches.]

Kobe: Money money money money money…

[Then lands a heavy one two combo.]

Kobe: Yeah!

douja: fuckin a man.

Styles: Barbie Banner stumbles backwards and tags Eliza.

SW: Wait a minute, where’s Joe going?

Styles: Joe has scrambled underneath the ring. Kobe with a boot and a fisherman’s suplex on Eliza. 1, 2, and she manages to kick out. Kobe walks up to the ropes and leans over, looking for his missing tag partner.

Kobe: Joe, what the hell are you doing?

Styles: Quick roll-up by Eliza! 1, 2, NO!

Kobe: Hey!

[A cloud of red smoke starts to billow out from under the ring. Kobe’s jaw drops as douja starts rolling another joint.]

TC: What the hell is going on here?

Styles: I have no idea.

[A freshly tagged Barbie tries for a venomous strike on Kobe, but he just pushes her aside. Barbie tries again and Kobe gives her a left hook to the cheekbone.]

Styles: It’s Joe! He’s rising up out of the smoke!

[Joe is now wearing a top hat, a pair of red sunglasses and a necklace made out of bird claws. He also has a bag full of cow eyes in his hand.]

TC: He’s gone voodoo!

Styles: Joe stands on the apron and starts shaking like he’s been electrocuted. Kobe shrugs and tags him in.

TC: This is lunacy!

Styles: Voodoo Joe Bananas and Tia Tarr squaring off. Arm drag by Tia, turns into an arm drag by Joe, headlock takedown by Tia, Joe kips up out of it. Tia misses with a backflip kick, but lands on her feet. Joe turns around, does his own backflip kick and connects.

TC: Joe’s in a trance, his head is swimming.

Styles: Slingshot Phoenix Splash by Joe! Doesn’t make the cover however and lifts Tia up, propping her up on the top rope. He nods to Kobe and douja who charge and take Barbie and Eliza out of the equation. Joe climbs up and hooks Tia’s arms… Coconut Crusher ’08! 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are your winners… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja… Up In Smoke!

[Kobe gets back in the ring and rips off Joe’s top hat and sunglasses. Joe smiles innocently.]

Kobe: Ok, you’ve had your fun… now go roll me a joint.

Styles: Fans, up next we have the final first round match before the quarter finals begin. But up first, a quick word from our sponsors.

Fried Car Kritters

[Open to a hillbilly eating the same old dinner he has day in day out, whatever he can run over with his car.]

Voice-Over: Are you tired of eating the same old badgers and headless toads?

[The hillbilly nods.]

Voice-Over: Try new Fried Car Kritters! Ten pieces of freshly ran over roadkill, deep fried with our secret blend of herbs, spices and special sauce. Grab a bucket of FCK today!

SW: Da fuck?

‘Sick’ Rick Congo, Necro Grocer & John Fismits
vs.
Rubba Ray, D-Van & Long Schlong

Sick Rick CongoNecro GrocerJohn Fismits
Rubba Ray DrudleyD-Van DrudleyLong Schlong Drudley

NH: The following is the eighth match of tonight’s tournament!

Voice-Over: Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort!

[“Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man” by Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn plays.]

NH: Introducing first… ‘Sick’ Rick Congo, Necro Grocer & John Fismits; The Ultraviolence Team!

Styles: This show is about to get hardcore.

SW: I need a beer. Commentator, you’ve got that huge cooler with you, got any beers?

TC: They’re mine Scotty!

SW: Too bad, I’m taking some.

[“Highway To Hell” by Iced Earth plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Rubba Ray, D-Van & Long Schlong; The Drudleys!

Styles: And here we go, the Ultraviolence Team explodes out of the ring and charges up to the Drudleys. Three way light tube shot to the Drudley Team’s skulls!

TC: They’re out of their damn minds!

Styles: Grocer kicks Rubba in the ribs and drags him down towards the ring as Congo and Fismits keep the other Drudleys down. Now in the ring, Grocer hammers Rubba with fists in the corner to keep him dazed. He then walks across to the other side and wedges a steel chair he brought in with him between two turnbuckles. He marches back and clobbers Rubba with a fist. Irish whip sends Rubba Ray Drudley crashing headfirst into the steel!

TC: Rubba Ray has both a cut lip and is ripped open above the eye!

Styles: Grocer pulls the chair out from between the turnbuckles and holds it over Rubba’s back as he lifts him up… chairslam connects!

TC: He damn near broke his back!

Styles: Grocer with a half hearted cover. 1, 2, and Rubba kicks out.

TC: That man has one of the sickest, most sadistic smiles I have ever seen on his face right now.

Styles: It looks like Congo wants some of the limelight, bringing D-Van down to the ring in a headlock. He rolls him in and grabs a fresh handful of light tubes from under the apron. Grocer snatches one from him and smashes it over Rubba’s head. Then he takes the sharp, shattered stump left in his hand and digs it in Rubba’s eye.

[Congo rests a light tube on two ropes near the corner.]

Styles: Congo now lifts D-Van up for an atomic drop and sends him crashing balls first into that light tube!

SW: Glad that wasn’t me.

Styles: Rubba manages to power to his feet and pushes Grocer back.

TC: His eye looks like an upturned tin of tomatoes.

Styles: That was a very graphic way of putting it.

TC: It’s true!

Styles: Congo and Grocer grab a light tube each and smash them against Rubba’s teeth. He covers his mouth in pain and collapses right out of the ring.

TC: This is fast becoming sickening.

Styles: D-Van desperately tries for an eye rake, but Grocer nearly snaps his spine in two with a backbreaker. Congo grabs a bunch of light tubes and ascends to the top rope. Light Tube Splash! 1, 2, NO! Out of nowhere Long Schlong Drudley came to break up the pin. I didn’t know he could run that fast.

TC: What happened to Fismits?

SW: He probably saw what was going on and left for the night.

Styles: Grocer and Congo are out of light tubes and stare at the man almost twice their size. They attack him with some old fashioned fists but he grabs them by the back of their necks and slams their heads together.

Crowd: We want tables! We want tables!

TC: The audience shouldn’t encourage them God damnit, it’s like a match between a bunch of potential serial killers!

SW: Haven’t we all been called a potential serial killer at one time or another?

TC: Just you.

Styles: Long Schlong and a gingerly stepping D-Van climb out of the ring to check on Rubba Ray.

TC: His face looks like a damn pizza!

SW: With pineapple?

Styles: John Fismits finally appears, and he’s got a shopping cart full of light tubes!

SW: Maybe he went to take a leak.

Styles: The Drudleys decide to arm themselves against the impending onslaught of light tubes. D-Van has a waffle iron, Rubba Ray a frying pan and Long Schlong has a cookie sheet.

SW: Couldn’t find the kitchen sink?

Styles: They slide back in and use their appliances to shield against the three way assault of shattering glass. Triple kitchen appliance shot to the Ultraviolence Team!

TC: From their reactions I’d say they’ve been used recently.

Styles: The Drudleys steal some light tubes for themselves. Rubba snaps one across the side of Grocer’s neck, D-Van shoves one in Fismits’ mouth and slams him face first into the mat and Long Schlong just wallops Congo with about five of the damn things.

TC: The Ultraviolence Team is convulsing like a school of fish out of water.

Styles: Rubba rolls out of the ring, his face a rainbow of blood, snot and tears. He starts setting up tables. One just beside the apron, another bridge between the mat and the guardrail and the third he slides into the ring.

TC: Rubba’s got wood!

Styles: Long Schlong lifts up Grocer for a gorilla press slam and sends him crashing through the table on the outside! Oh my God!

Crowd: BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB!

Styles: Rubba and D-Van are keeping Fismits grounded with clubbing fists to the spine. Long Schlong cockily swaggers over to Congo, but gets a chair throw in his face.

TC: I think that just pissed him off more than anything.

Styles: Congo is up. Long Schlong swings, but Congo ducks and runs to the ropes. Lionsault gets caught by the big man and he goes for a powerslam, but Congo wiggles free.

[Congo pulls something out of his neon green pants.]

TC: What the hell is that?

Styles: It’s… it’s a thumbscrew! Congo kicks Long Schlong in the nuts and gets a hold of his hands so he can lock him in that torture device.

TC: Holy shit!

Styles: Long Schlong is locked in! Congo picks up a light tube and smashes it hard across his head! Long Schlong falls like a redwood tree onto the bridged table, but doesn’t go through. Congo pulls out some silver duct tape and wraps a bunch of light tubes around his chest. Pescado drills Long Schlong through the table!

Crowd: BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB!

TC: That was crazy!

Styles: It might not have been all that intelligent either, Rubba Ray and D-Van have Fismits alone in the ring with a table. They look around and see the carnage.

Rubba: D-Van!

D-Van: What?

Rubba: Set up the table!

[He does so.]

Styles: Fismits gets whipped to the ropes… 4D through the table! 1, 2, and Grocer breaks up the pin with a steel chair!

TC: How the hell is he still walking?

[Grocer snatches up a piece of broken glass and cuts his own tongue till blood gushes out.]

SW: He’s in the zone!

TC: He’s a sick son of a bitch is what he is.

Styles: Grocer also brought a large white plastic tub in with him. He smashes a few light tubes over Rubba and D-Van casually, just to keep them in place, and opens the tub. OH MY GYAD! It’s liquid nitrogen!

SW: Now that’s cool.

Styles: Grocer has D-Van up, TIGER DRIVER ONTO THE LIQUID NITROGEN!

[D-Van rolls out of the ring as fast as he can and violently brushes the liquid off himself.]

Styles: Grocer makes a nest of light tubes. Tucks Rubba between his legs… THUNDERFIRE POWERBOMB ONTO THE LIGHT TUBES! 1, 2, 3!NO! Long Schlong Drudley breaks up the pin!

[Congo climbs to the top rope behind him.]

SW: Look out!

Styles: Missile dropkick to the back of Long Schlong’s head! Both men are lai out flat, still hurt from the table spot earlier.

[Fismits stands and taunts to the crowd. He throws all the remaining light tubes to the outside in a pile. He throws a steel chair on top of it and the remnants of the liquid nitrogen.]

Styles: Fismits taking Rubba out to the apron. Lifts him up for a gorilla press and DRIVES him into the light tube mess with a Motherfucking Bomb!

Crowd: BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB! BOB!

TC: Everyone has been laid to waste!

Styles: All except for Congo, who has set up a table on the outside. Now he’s setting a second table up on top of that one. He gets back in the ring and uses every last ounce of strength he has left to lift Long Schlong up onto the top rope. Congo out to the apron and hooks Long Schlong’s arms. Assault Driver coming up… but Long Schlong breaks free and drops to the apron. CHOKESLAM THROUGH TWO STACKED TABLES! OH MY GYAD! Grapevines the leg. 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are your winners… Rubba Ray, D-Van & Long Schlong… The Drudleys!

Taxicab Concussions

Kevin the PyromaniacKen War

[Cut to the parking lot. Kevin The Pyromaniac and Ken War are arguing over a taxi.]

KW: ey nid 2 ged teh hcll uot uv har! B08 sukcz0r n ie ent nivar kemun bek~!

KtP: Yeah? Well, I need to get out of here before I get sent back to hell. I’m moving far away where those creepy satanists won’t ever find me. Unlike you, I can only come back from the dead every 6 months or so.

[Ken War punches him and they both start brawling over the hood of the taxi. They slip off the other side and start rolling around on the street. A bus runs them both over.]

Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano & Soem Guy In A Mask
vs.
Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate

Kamikazie KenInsano ManoSoem Guy In A Mask
Dr. Silaconne M. PlantsDeathKid Pirate

NH: The following is the first match of the quarter finals.

[“Little Spanish Flea” by Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano & Soem Guy In A Mask; Grupo Mexicano!

SW (on phone): Yeah, that’s right, hold the anchovies. 30 minutes or it’s free? Awesome!

[“Symphony Of Destruction” by Megadeth plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate; The Entities Of Destruction!

TC: The olive skinned Naples native, SMP, is in the house!

Styles: The question here is whether Grupo Mexicano can avoid being squashed like Jobbers Inc.

SW: I doubt it.

[Plants his finger like a gun at the luchadores and runs his thumb across his throat.]

Styles: And here we go, Kid Pirate peppers Soem Guy with stiff shots to the head. Soem Guy is on spaghetti legs early and gets taken down with a one legged dropkick.

SW: I asked my magic 8 ball if these Mexicans will job, it says without a doubt.

Styles: Kid Pirate locks in a fujiwara and starts dropping knees to the arm.

Vicky Jean: Do you want to give up Soem Guy?

SGIAM: No!

TC: Look how big his heart is, how can you say they’re going to job?

SW: Because they stink.

Styles: SMP wants a piece of the action and Kid Pirate tags him in. Clothesline ducked by Soem Guy who dives damn near half way across the ring to make the tag to Insano Mano. Charges with a head full of steam at SMP, taken over with a big back body drop, but lands on his feet. SMP turns after not hearing a thud and catches an attempted boot to the belly. Insano Mano tries an enzuigiri but SMP ducks under.

TC: SMP is showing why he is the most intelligent wrestler in BOB.

SW: That’s not exactly covering a lot of ground.

Styles: SMP wraps his legs around Mano’s and grabs his arms at the wrists. SMP rolls onto his back and, almost mockingly taking a page out of the luahcdores’ book, locks in an elevated surfboard.

SW: I had no idea he could do that.

Styles: SMP releases the hold after wearing Mano down and forces him to his feet. Heaves him up on his shoulders and drops to his knees with an Argentine backbreaker. SMP tags out to Death.

[Death folds his arms over his chest and allows Mano to crawl on his hands and knees to his corner.]

Styles: Death just lets Mano tag out to Kamikazie Ken. Ken charges and goes for a flying cross body, but Death catches him and dumps him on his head with a northern lights bomb.

TC: He killed him!

Styles: And here we go, Netherworld Powerbomb! 1, 2, 3!

TC: I take my shoes off to Grupo Mexicano, they put up a good fight for how long it lasted.

Styles: Don’t you mean ‘take my hat off’?

TC: I’m not wearing a hat!

Styles: Well folks, let’s take you straight to the next match without any interruptions.

The Great, Pete Trable & Cyborg Angelina X
vs.
Sarah_bot, Kay Fabe & Little Good

The GreatPete "XFactor" TrableCyborg Angelina X
Sarah_botKay FabeLittle Good

NH: The following is the second match of the quarter finals!

[“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones plays.]

NH: Introducing first… The Great, Pete Trable & Cyborg Angelina X; Team Greatness!

SW: I think Trable’s been hanging round Up In Smoke, he looks baked out of his mind.

[“Metalstorm / Face The Slayer” by Slayer plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Sarah_bot, Kay Fabe & Little Good; The Shaggy Gang!

[Sarah_bot has duct taped over the damage she sustained in the previous round and Little Good is drinking a beer and smoking a Silk Cut cigarette.]

TC: I wonder how The Great will react to Sarah_bot.

Styles: She’s not the real thing, maybe he can put Sarah’s feelings for him by the wayside.

SW: He’d be thick as treacle if he did. Robot or not, she’s still hot.

Styles: Kay Fabe and Pete Trable set to start this match out. Kay surprises Trable right off the bat with a drop toe hold. She follows up with a double axe handle to the back of the neck and ties to lock in a camel clutch, but Trable squirms out.

SW: I wouldn’t mind having Kay Fabe rubbing herself all over me.

Styles: Trable quick to his feet and rocks Kay with a headbutt. Hooks an arm and takes her over with a suplex. 1, 2, and Kay kicks out.

TC: This Pete Trable is a real blue chipper, he got great elevation on that suplex.

Styles: Trable whips Kay to the ropes and spikes a dropkick to the jaw. Trable off the ropes and drops the leg. 1, 2, and Kay kicks out again.

TC: And that was just the icing on the cake.

SW: You’re a leg drop mark.

Styles: Trable tags out to Cyborg Angelina X.

SW: Puppies! Hot, sticky and drenched in sweat.

TC: There’s no sweat on her Scotty, she’s a robot.

SW: Shut up or she wont get them out of the oven!

Styles: Angelina with a flurry of punches, but Kay blocks the last strike, lifts her up for a flapjack and hotshots her on the ropes.

SW: No! Her implants!

Styles: German suplex! 1, 2, and Angelina just manages to kick out! Kay makes the tag to Little Good.

[Little Good stares at Angelina’s wobbling breasts.]

LG: Yo!

SW: Yo? Isn’t he British?

LG: Bloody shitting Christ!

SW: That’s more like it.

[Angelina stands, her bosom bouncing violently.]

LG: Oh God.

Styles: A distracted, and drooling, Little Good gets smashed with a right hook. And a left, and a jab, and a straight. Angelina swings her arm around in a circle and knocks Little Good down with a big right hand.

TC: She’s tearing him apart!

Styles: Angelina mounts Little Good and starts dropping bombs. Little Good tries his best to defend himself without blocking the view.

SW: Smart man.

Styles: Sarah_bot climbs in and kicks Angelina off Little Good.

Sarah_bot: Stop taking advantage of his horniness!

Angelina: I didn’t do anything!

[Sarah_bot points at her cleavage.]

Sarah_bot: Oh please, they’re practically tumbling out of that tiny white shirt like an avalanche. Come on Little Good, tag me in.

LG: I was having the time of my life.

Styles: Sarah_bot goes back out to the apron and Little Good tags her into the match. Collar and elbow tie up by the two robotic women. Judo throw by Sarah_bot. She tries to lock in a head and arm hold but Angelina kips up out of it.

TC: I was hoping to see some submission moves, I love watching people tap.

SW: You would.

Styles: Angelina makes the tag to The Great.

TC: Let’s see if he can keep his cool against Sarah_bot.

Styles: He doesn’t seem to have a problem at all. Rocks Sarah_bot with a snap jab and drops her to the mat with a scoop slam 07. The Great locks in the Eastern Stretch!

TC: She’s turning purple! Or, she would be, if she weren’t a robot.

Styles: The Great flips her over and tries to lock in Pleasant Cycling, but Sarah_bot grabs hold of the bottom rope. The Great does the hold up 02 taunt before lifting Sarah_bot up into a back suplex 04.

TC: The Great’s putting on a clinic.

[The Great laughs at the ease of competition and tags Pete Trable back into the match.]

TC: The Great’s being a little more cocky than usual, he’d better watch out or it could be his downfall.

Styles: Trable misses a forearm shot and Sarah_bot kicks him in the side of his leg. Oh my God, she just broke his frickin knee cap!

Trable: FUCK!

Styles: Trable quickly tags back out to The Great, who shakes his head and sighs. Sarah_bot’s knife edge chop is simply absorbed by The Great and he hits a little shake rattle & roll. Sambo suplex on the dazed Sarah_bot and The Great locks in The Great’s Figure Eight! Sarah_bot taps!

NH: Here are your winners… The Great, Pete Trable & Cyborg Angelina X… Team Greatness!

What Would You Do…

[A man is stood at a vending machine. All of a sudden a thief steals his candy bar. The man removes his glasses and turns around to reveal himself as action movie star Jason Statham.]

Jason: Give me back my candy!

Thief: No!

[Jason Statham toe kicks him in the bottom of the jar and catches the candy as it flies out of the thief’s hand. A second thief re-steals it and tries to escape, but Jason removes his jacket and wraps it around his neck and drops him to the floor. A third thief picks up the candy like a football and runs.]

Jason: You son of a bitch.

[Thief 1 and 2 hold him from behind. He forces his bodyweight back into the vending machine, tears their arms apart to free himself, and mule kicks them both into the machine’s covering. Pop cans flow out like a waterfall.]

Jason: Get back here!

[Jason sprints after the third thief, picking up a fire extinguisher on the way, and smacks him in the back of the head with it. He takes back his candy and sprays the extinguisher’s contents in Thief 3’s face. Jason Statham then unwraps the candy and takes a bite.]

Voice-Over: What would you do…

[The logo whooshes onto the screen.]

Voice-Over: For a Klondike Bar?

Jim, Josh & Brandon
vs.
Scatman, Christian St. Christian & Tentacle Beast

Jim "Totally Packaged"Massive Man Rendition FirstBrandon "Bitch Smacker"
ScatmanChristian St. ChristianTentacle Beast

NH: The following is the third match of the quarter finals!

[“She Bangs” by Ricky Martin plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Jim, Josh & Brandon; The Kent State Krew!

TC: Every girl in the audience, with their hearts on fire, scream for the Kent State Krew! They really are idols.

SW: I’m still surprised they don’t have mullets.

[“My Sperm Come Full Blast On Your Face” by Cunt Blasting plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Scatman, Christian St. Christian & Tentacle Beast; The Fetish Freaks!

Styles: Well, there’s no Tentacle Beast out here because Mr. Intensity cooked him with an Intense Bearhug in the first round.

TC: I guess it’ll have to be a handicap match.

[St. Christian hops up onto the apron and swings his steel chain around with a smile under his mask.]

[“Hung” by Napalm Death plays.]

Jerri Li

Styles: It’s Jerri Li! And she’s coming out to her Fetish Freaks music!

TC: But she’s already been eliminated from the tournament! Her team lost to the Shaggy Gang damnit!

SW: I don’t mind her being a replacement for Tentacle Beast while she’s wearing that outfit, do you Styles?

Styles: *ahem*

Josh: Wait wait wait wait WAIT! This is what these morons want to see in BOB these days? A slutty asian, a gimp and a dude covered in dookie? This is what gets over nowadays? Listen up, little girl, just lie down for me and I wont have to embarrass you in front of all these marks.

[Jerri pulls a nutmeg grater out of her skirt and starts thrusting her hips back and forth with it like it were a penis.]

SW: Now that’s a real woman.

Styles: Jerri ignores Josh’s warning and the two lock horns with a collar and elbow tie up. Knee to the groin by Jerri brings Massive Man to his knees.

Crowd: Fuck him up Jerri, fuck him up! *clap clap* Fuck him up Jerri, fuck him up! *clap clap*

SW: She may be a sadist, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for some of that sweet kung pao chicken.

TC: It’s more like a piranha to be honest.

Styles: Josh has a sour look on his face. He realizes he can’t recover and tags out to Jim.

TC: That girl sure knows how to knee a guy in the balls.

Jerri: Spineless chicken.

Styles: Jim tries for a collar and elbow but gets fisted in the face.

SW: That didn’t sound right.

Styles: Jerri aims a kick at the ribs, but Jim sidesteps and rolls her up. One count only.

TC: This ain’t ballet, I’ll tell you that much.

Styles: Jim quick on the offense and surprises Jerri with a snap german suplex, bridging the a cover. 1, 2, and no.

TC: Jim is an ice cold technician, some of the pin point precision he utilizes is simply chilling.

Styles: Jerri claws her way back to her feet and tries to pounce on Jim, but gets taken over with a belly to belly suplex. Josh calls to Jim to tag him in, his balls seem to have recovered.

TC: I’m not sure I like how many times the word ‘balls’ has been used on this show.

SW: The balls are in the air, can Josh avoid Jerri’s dreaded testicular claw?

Styles: Josh balls up his fist and socks Jerri in the mouth.

TC: That one had some barbecue sauce on it.

Styles: Bearhug slam levels Jerri in the middle on the ring. Josh bounces off the rope and taunts to the crowd before dropping an elbow. 1, 2, and Jerri kicks out.

[St. Christian throws a steel chair into the ring. Jerri instinctively snatches it up and smiles.]

Josh: Oh balls.

Styles: Jerri WALLOPS Josh with the steel chair. She spreads his legs apart and looks to the crowd as she lifts that chair up above her head.

Crowd (with each chairshot): Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Woooah balls!

TC: Good gawd almight, it’s turned into a bar room brawl!

SW: Remind me to never go drinking with you.

TC: I only ever have apple juice anyway.

SW: Really? I always figured you were a Southern Comfort and barbecue sauce cocktail kinda man.

Styles: As Jerri tags St. Christian, Josh crawls to his team’s corner and tags out to Brandon. Sunset flip by Brandon! 1, 2, and St. Christian kicks out. Brandon with a quick waist lock from behind as they stand but St. Christian steps on his toes, literally. St. Christian dusts himself off shuffles around Brandon and wraps his arm around his neck. Cobra Clutch suplex blocked by Brandon who hooks his legs around St. Christian’s stomach and rolls him up. 1, 2, and a kickout.

TC: Brandon is too good of a white luchador for this creepy gimp.

Styles: Brandon picks up that steel chair and dances a few steps.

Josh: Dude, that’s touched my balls.

[Brandon throws the chair into the third row and wipes his hands off on St. Christian’s black rubber outfit.]

SW: He didn’t like that.

Styles: Boot to the face of Brandon sends him spiraling backwards. St. Christian rushes over, lifts up Brandon’s arms and rests the sole of his boot on the back of his head… curb stomp!

TC: Holy shit! He got payback big time, he may have shattered the bones in his face.

Styles: St. Christian lifts Brandon and throws him at the Kent State Krew corner before tagging Scatman into the match.

[Josh looks at Jim with an agonized look in his eyes. Jim shakes his head.]

Jim: No way, he’s covered in dookie for Christ’s sake!

Josh: Just pretend it’s chocolate slush puppy.

[Jim gulps and tags himself in.]

Styles: Scatman starts rubbing himself all over and Jim tries to hold the bile back.

Jim: You have GOT to be kidding me.

Scatman: I got a shitload of bronco busters lined up for you boy.

[Jim looks at Josh.]

Jim: Come on dude, I can’t wrestle this guy. I’m gonna hurl.

Josh: He’s not that bad!

[Scatman pulls a chunk of poo off himself and rubs it on his teeth. Josh and Brandon cover their eyes and Jim nearly faints.]

Josh: Fine! FINE! We quit!

[The Kent State Krew exit the ring and start making their way back up the entrance ramp.]

Josh: You people are fucked in the head!

NH: Here are your winners, as a result of a forfeit… Scatman, Christian St. Christian & Jerri Li… The Fetish Freaks!

Natural Born Killaz

Kobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja

[Cut backstage where Kobe, Joe and douja are smoking a joint before their next match. Kobe is wearing jeans and a Miami Heat jersey, ready for the hardcore stipulations to come.]

SW: Cheap heat.

[douja blows out a ring of blue smoke and passes the joint to Joe.]

douja: shit im tired as fuck, i wanna get the fuck home.

Chingachgook

[They spot Chingachgook wobbling around like a maniac down the corridor.]

douja: this motherfuckers trippin right here.

Joe: Eh!

[Chingachgook looks in Up In Smoke’s direction.]

Joe: Eh motherfucker!

Kobe: Just leave him alone.

Joe: Hey homeboy!

Kobe: Here we go again.

Joe: Eh motherfucker, you and your fucking bitch Jerri.

Chingachgook: Hey man, why you fucking with me?

Joe: Fuck you bitch cuz I can.

[Joe pulls out a gun and shoots Chingachgook.]

Eliza: AHHHHHHHH!

TC: What the hell just happened?

[A wave of people rush in the heat of the moment up to Chingachgook’s aid. ASL Rotten, who hasn’t even been booked or seen in over five years, screams out.]

ASL: Somebody call 911! We need a doctor here!

[The Drudleys are the last on the scene, but quickly turn their attention to their opponents rather than help the 500 year old Shaolin monk. Camera cuts back to the announce desk.]

Styles: Fans, I would like at this time to send my deepest condolences to Chingachgook’s family. Obviously most of them died hundreds of years ago, but to any descendants of his, please accept…

Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja
vs.
Rubba Ray, D-Van & Long Schlong

Kobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja
Rubba Ray DrudleyD-Van DrudleyLong Schlong Drudley

[“Natural Born Killaz” by Ice Cube & Dr. Dre plays.]

TC: Up In Smoke and The Drudleys are brawling down the aisle like a group of lunatics!

[The Drudleys get their heads driven hard into the apron and rolled in under the bottom rope.]

Styles: And now Up In Smoke is going for the weapons!

[Their entrance music keeps playing. douja stuffs as much weaponry as he can into a trash can and throws it in over the ropes.]

TC: The ring is starting to look like a God damn junkyard!

Styles: Kobe is in with a Singapore cane and snaps it in half over D-Van’s head! Kobe sits Rubba up and hits him with steel chair so hard a head shaped dent pops out of the other side.

[Rubba peels the chair off his face and collapses.]

TC: He’s a bloody mess already!

Styles: Joe is up on the top rope with a giant plastic banana. He thrusts with it like it were his penis and lands a frog splash on Rubba.

[Long Schlong pulls himself to his feet with some help from the ropes. douja rolls in and hands out stop signs to his partners.]

Styles: Three way stop sign shot sends Long Schlong falling like a redwood tree out of the ring!

TC: douja is hammering away on D-Van as Kobe searches for a weapon.

Styles: Keyboard shot to the skull!

SW: Goodnight D-Van.

Styles: Kobe has D-Van up and drills him with a powerbomb onto a steel chair!

TC: And now Joe holds Rubba Ray up. douja damn near decapitates him with a clothesline! Kobe hops up onto the top rope and lands a devastating flying leg drop!

SW: This is crazy.

Styles: Long Schlong is up on the apron but douja takes him out with a bionic elbow.

TC: Joe has a staple gun! Good grief! He just stapled a south park towel to D-Van’s forehead! This is plain sick!

[douja takes a step back from the carnage and starts crumbling up some weed.]

Styles: Kobe has a nutcracker!

TC: I’m scared Styles.

Styles: Kobe cuts Rubba Ray’s pinky finger clean off! Oh my God, blood is squirting everywhere!

SW: This match is fucking hardcore.

Styles: As Long Schlong makes it to his feet on the outside Joe shows absolutely amazing athleticism, leaping from the mat to the top rope and planchas Long Schlong.

TC: I’m exhausted just watching.

Styles: Kobe lays a pile of steel chairs on top of D-Van. douja shows his own organic style of wrestling and lands a front flip senton as gracefully as he can on top of the mountain of chairs.

[Joe rolls Long Schlong into the ring.]

Styles: Kobe throws Rubba Ray out of the ring and douja does the same to D-Van. Kobe goes back to the trashcan. Oh holy shit, he’s got a brick! Kobe crushes Long Schlong’s SKULL with it and dances off the impact. Cover! 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are your winners… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja… Up In Smoke!

Jerri's Box

ScatmanChristian St. ChristianJerri Li

[Backstage, the Fetish Freaks are watching Up In Smoke celebrate their victory.]

Scatman: Yes! We’re facing Up In Smoke in the next round!

CSC: What are you so happy about? We’re nowhere near over enough to beat them.

Scatman: Oh please, a basketball player and two stoners? Excuse me while I over-dramatically wipe the sweat from my brow.

Jerri: Actually, he might be right. They kinda took it to the Drudleys, and they knocked that big son of a bitch Long Schlong out cold.

Scatman: So, what are you saying?

[Jerri looks over her shoulder at a big wooden box in the corner. She looks back at Scatman and smiles.]

Scatman: Ohhhh, I get it!

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate
vs.
The Great, Pete Trable & Cyborg Angelina X

Dr. Silaconne M. PlantsDeathKid Pirate
The GreatPete "XFactor" TrableCyborg Angelina X

NH: The following contest is the first match of the semi finals of tonight’s tournament!

[“Symphony Of Destruction” by Megadeth plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate; The Entities Of Destruction!

TC: SMP has that new car smell, you can tell even from all the way over here.

[“(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction” by The Rolling Stones plays.]

NH: And their opponents… The Great, Pete Trable & Cyborg Angelina X; Team Greatness!

TC: This one should be a barn burner.

SW: Really? Trable’s wrestling with a broken knee cap.

TC: And Kid Pirate has a wooden leg!

SW: Geez, why are they’re so many handicapped people in BOB lately? Wait, did I really just say that?

Styles: Kid Pirate unfurls the skull and crossbones as the Entities Of Destruction pose in the middle of the ring. The Great casually removes his sunglasses and leather jacket on the outside and slides into the ring.

TC: It’s an explosion!

Styles: The Great rocks the EOD with a people’s punch 03 each. Jawbreaker 02 on Death, scoop slam 02 on Kid Pirate! But SMP stops him in his tracks with a STIFF chop across the chest.

SW: That’s it, I’m cracking open a beer and chowing down on a hamburger as I watch SMP kick the snot out of The Great.

Styles: Didn’t you order a pizza earlier?

SW: Oh yeah. I want my free pizza damn it!

Styles: Boot to the belly winds The Great and SMP drops him with a body slam. SMP locks in a full nelson and applies the body scissors around the waist of The Great.

Pizza Delivery Guy: Here’s your package sir.

SW: Package?

PDG: Sorry, pizza.

SW: Hey, wait a damn minute! The guy on the phone said thirty minute delivery or the pizza’s free!

[Scotty opens the box.]

SW: There’s nothing in here!

PDG: Sorry, I got hungry on the way. Do you know how difficult it is to find an announce table in an arena this size?

SW: We’re on TV you idiot! You’re stoned aren’t you?

PDG: Little bit.

SW: Get out of here!

Styles: The Great is being torn to shreds in that unusual hold by SMP, but he’s holding on for dear life.

TC: The Great doesn’t know the meaning of the word quit!

SW: Is that because he’s too tough or too stupid?

Styles: The Great is practically immobilized. He takes the only window of opportunity he can find and rolls over onto his stomach. SMP still has that hold locked in but The Great pushes himself forward with his knees. As he gets within a nose hair’s reach of the ropes SMP releases the hold, picks The Great up, and spikes him on his head with a piledriver.

TC: The Great is flopping around like a headless chicken!

SW: I’m switching to Gatorade and vodka.

Styles: SMP tags out to Death. Death is from the school of hard knocks and rocks The Great with a big right hand. The Great fights back with all he’s worth, hitting a throat thrust 03.

TC: But Death takes advantage of his weakened state. Bam bam bam! Big shots to the jaw knock The Great back! But The Great with outlaw punches 01 to the skull of Death! A brawl is unfolding before our eyes!

Styles: Death with a hook to the gut. Lifts up The Great and heads for the turnbuckles. Snake eyes coming up, but The Great slides out. The Great locks his arm around the neck… Osaka Street Cutter connects hard!

TC: The Great needs to make the tag!

Styles: The fans go ballistic as he crawls to his corner. He gives it one surge of energy and leaps palm first to tag Pete Trable in. Meanwhile, Death has tagged Kid Pirate.

TC: Both of these men are like a one legged man at an asskicking contest!

Styles: Trable is hopping around the ring on his one good leg. Kid Pirate has no sympathy whatsoever and explodes with a peg-leg superkick to the temple!

SW: I like it!

Styles: Kid Pirate is like a shark that smells blood and goes for the Black Pearls, but Trable rolls out of danger and tags Cyborg Angelina X into the match.

SW: You got any Jack Daniels in that cooler Commentator?

TC: Oh for Christ’s sake!

SW: Thanks.

Styles: Sparks are flying as Angelina goes up against Kid Pirate. Uppercut to the nose! Angelina lands lots and lots and lots and lots of punches before hitting a big time heavy one two combo.

[Angelina shakes her hands in pain.]

Styles: Kid Pirate oversells, taking a flying bump all the way over to his corner. He tags SMP.

TC: The dirtiest booby enhancer in the game today is back in!

Styles: Angelina tries to drive a punch to the chest like a stake to the heart, but it is caught and SMP arm whips her onto her back. SMP keeps hold of the arm and drops a leg onto it before wrenching back her neck. She tries to kip up out of the hold, but SMP keeps her grounded.

TC: He’s straining so hard he looks like he’s going to snap her head clean off her body!

SW: Either that or fart.

Styles: SMP sneers as the robot refuses to tap and stands. He drops a knee, but Angelina rolls out and dropkicks him in the face. Angelina hops to the ropes and hits a lionsault, NO! SMP threw his knees up and drove them into the abdomen in time!

TC: That was down right dastardly!

Styles: SMP steps behind Angelina and puts on a waistlock. Lifts her up and throws at her team’s corner. Trable tags himself in.

[SMP rolls his eyes.]

Styles: SMP sends Trable for the ride with an irish whip. Trable hops on one foot to the ropes.

TC: HELLACIOUS clothesline landed Trable on the back of his damn head!

[SMP lifts Trable and does it again.]

TC: He’s on fire!

Styles: SMP tosses Trable like a ragdoll at his corner and points at The Great. Just as The Great tags himself in SMP tags out to Death.

SW: That was sneaky.

Styles: Death comes in with a steel chair. The Great’s nostrils flare and he goes for an uppercut palm strike, but Death sidesteps and charges at Angelina X with the chair.

[The sound of metal colliding with metal echoes throughout the arena.]

TC: He killed her!

Styles: The Great is in shock. Death kicks him and goes for the Netherworld Powerbomb, but The Great wriggles free and rolls him up with an extreme small package. 1, 2, SMP and Kid Pirate break up the cover!

SW: Here we go.

Styles: Wooden enzuigiri by Kid Pirate! Bell clap by Death! The Great has been knocked back into the ropes but he is still standing. SMP shuffles on the spot, charges like a bull elephant and cracks a tennis racket over The Great’s head! Nipple Cutter! 1, 2, 3!

TC: And that was the final nail in the coffin.

Styles: I hope the EOD is proud of themselves, they screwed The Great out of this tournament.

SW: A few clever tricks and a racket shot is evil but Kobe Gyant cutting off someone’s finger is ok?

NH: Here are your winners… Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate… The Entities Of Destruction!

Hanoi Bound

Xing Long Li

[Cut to the parking lot. Xing Long has been stood for thirty minutes in the pitch dark, cursing in Vietnamese as she waits for her taxi. A jet black limousine pulls up at a snails pace, the grit crackling under it’s tires as it comes to a stop.]

Xing: The fuck?

[The window of the backseat rolls down and a hand adorned with a gold watch pops out. It makes a come here motion with it’s finger. Xing walks up to the side of the car. A voice is heard from the unseen occupant of the limo.]

Voice: Ms. Xing, if you would kindly grace me with a few minutes of your time. I have a few things I wish to discuss with you.

Xing: Listen bub, I’m out of this place now that master Chingachgook is dead. I’m taking the next flight out to Hanoi and start slaughtering pigs for a living again.

Voice: Actually, I had something more interesting planned for you.

[Xing looks around.]

Xing: Damn taxi. Fine, I’ll give you fives minutes.

[As the door opens she is greeted with a cigar.]

Voice: Cuban?

Scatman, Christian St. Christian & Jerri Li
vs.
Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja

ScatmanChristian St. ChristianJerri Li
Kobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja

NH: The following contest is the second match of the semi finals; the winners will go on to face The Entities Of Destruction!

[“Fisted On LSD” by Libido Airbag plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Scatman, Christian St. Christian & Jerri Li; The Fetish Freaks!

[The Freaks drag a big wooden box along behind them to the ring.]

SW: Ah man, Jerri switched back to leather. I loved looking up her skirt.

Styles: Would you cut it out already?

SW: Sorry, I was blinded by passion.

[“Hot Stepper” by Ini Kamoze plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja; Up In Smoke!

SW: You got a club sandwich in that cooler?

TC: I’ll give a knuckle sandwich if you don’t leave my damn cooler alone!

[Jerri jiggles up to Up In Smoke and asks them to wait a minute.]

Styles: What is she doing? And what is in that box?

[Jerri makes her way to back to her team mates.]

Jerri: Give me a hand with this thing boys.

Styles: Well, St. Christian rips the lid off and Jerri pulls something big and metallic out of it… oh no.

TC: Oh shit.

[The Freaks unfold Jerri’s razor sharp steel mesh and attach the four hooks on it to the turnbuckles.]

TC: That’s the damndest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Styles: The Freaks have mounted a steel mesh, designed purely for slicing flesh from the bone, about a foot above the ring.

SW: How are they going to wrestle now?

Styles: I have no idea.

TC: I wouldn’t be surprised if Up In Smoke took to wing right about now.

Kobe: Wait a minute, wait just a damn minute! What the hell is THAT?!

[The Freaks stand at the bottom of the entrance ramp and motion for UIS to come fight them.]

Kobe: There ain’t now way in hell I’m wrestling in a match with big razorwire circus net over the damn ring…

[The crowd boos.]

Kobe: … without another joint!

[The crowd cheers.]

TC: What does this mean?

SW: It means that hot piece of wasabi gets her dream sicko match after all.

TC: Against Up In Smoke?!

[Kobe teleports next to The Commentator.]

Kobe: Why not? I’ve been wrestling in razorwire circus net matches since I was three, son. Hell, I invented the damn gimmick.

[He steals a few cans of beer and an armful of chicken.]

Kobe: Yoink!

[He then teleports back.]

TC: What is this shit? I’ve only got prawn crackers and barbecue sauce left! You sons of bitches have left me plum dry!

Jerri: Are you guys ready yet or what?

douja: almost.

[douja takes the last couple of tokes, scoffs down a wing, washes it all down with the last of his beer and wipes his mouth on his sleeve. Then he belches.]

douja: ready.

Styles: Up In Smoke are making their way down towards the Fetish Freaks! We’ve got a brawl on our hands. douja and Scatman exchange punches to the face, Joe tackles St. Christian and pounds him with lefs and rights and Kobe and Jerri… wait, Kobe just wants to talk.

Kobe: Come on sweetheart. I know you have a twisted mind, but we don’t have to do this. There’s an electricity between, I know you feel it. Let’s just wrestle on a mattress instead of this crazy stuff.

Styles: Jerri pounces on Kobe and tries to tear his eyes right out of their sockets!

TC: She’s got a fiery spirit that girl.

Styles: douja mows down Scatman with a clothesline and starts tearing up the flimsy guardrail. He lays it on top of Scatman and drops an elbow to the heart!

TC: On the other side of the ring St. Christian has gained the upper hand by using his steel chain and is whips Joe repeatedly until he draws blood.

SW: This isn’t ballroom dancing.

Styles: Meanwhile, Kobe has rolled Jerri onto her back and drops fists to the mouth from the mounted position.

Jerri: Faster, faster!

Kobe: Close your eyes.

Styles: Kobe stands and kicks Jerri in the teeth!

Kobe: Let’s paint the town red together when this is all over.

Styles: douja has a ladder out and sets it up over the ropes, with the feet standing in the gaps of the steel mesh.

TC: This looks like it could lead to a dicey situation.

SW: Does douja even know what he’s doing, or is he just stoned out of mind?

Styles: douja grabs the ring bell and hits Scatman with it for good measure. He walks around to the other side of the ring, runs up to St. Christian as he lashes away at Joe, and drives the bell into the side of his head!

TC: He’s got a lot of guts.

Styles: douja sets up a second ladder in the opposite corner to the first.

douja: hey kobe, give me a hand.

Styles: douja and Kobe grab a hold of that piece of the flimsy guardrail and carry it up the ladders. They’re making a walkway above the ring!

TC: You bet your ass they are! They don’t have to take these Freaks’ fucked up stipulations!

Crowd: We want sushi! *clap clap clap clap clap* We want sushi! *clap clap clap clap clap*

Styles: As the audience chants for Jerri she gets up seemingly fresh as a daisy. She scoots under the ring and… oh no, returns with a cheesegrater!

TC: My heart is racing.

Styles: Jerri climbs up the ladder and is greeted with boots from Kobe and douja. She continues to claw her way up and sticks to them like white on rice with a double tackle at the legs.

Jerri: Scatman!

TC: She wants to level the playing field.

Styles: Scatman is on dream street still. Joe Bananas charges out of nowhere with a head full of steam with a Singapore cane, steps up onto the ring steps and knocks Scatman’s lights out with a flying leg lariat using that weapon.

TC: Jerri is steaming mad now.

Styles: Kobe manages to fight out from under her. Basic kick to the stomach and he hooks her for a powerbomb. Lifts her up but she sends him flying all the way to the concrete with a hoodacanrana. Jerri and douja are barely supported up there by that chunk of the guardrail.

TC: Kobe looks like he might be knocked out. He could have dislocated his shoulder falling from such height.

Styles: As Joe Bananas looks to Kobe in worry he has his back turned as St. Christian hops onto the apron. He runs and hits a diving missile dropkick to the back of his skull!

TC: That was jaw dropping.

Styles: St. Christian is mopping the floor with Joe, literally. Scatman comes to his senses and starts setting up a table.

Scatman: Send that stoner to me Jerri.

Styles: Jerri with a boot to keep douja dazed. She shuffles with him to the end of the guardrail and hooks him by the arms… HOLY SHIT! Dragon Suplex sends douja crashing headfirst through the table!

TC: That was grotesque! She must have a heart of stone to do that to poor douja!

Styles: St. Christian drags Joe next to douja. He and Scatman then start laying light tubes on top of them. Jerri looks out to the audience and waves both of her hands out in front of her.

Jerri: Bye bye!

Styles: SWANTON BOMB ONTO THE LIGHT TUBES!

TC: How do you learn to flip off a flimsy guardrail scaffold onto a bunch of fucking light tubes for Christ’s sake?! Tell me!

Styles: Kobe Gyant out of nowhere knocks St. Christian out cold with a giant plastic banana! Scatman tries a throat thrust but gets a thumb to the eyes. Kobe puts Scatman in a headlock and drags him… to our announce desk!

SW: You’d better not steal my chair!

Kobe: Yoink!

Styles: Kobe steals Scotty’s chair and wraps it around Scatman’s head!

SW: Thanks, you turned my chair into a Mexican toilet.

Styles: Kobe rolls Scatman onto our desk and climbs up after him. Lifts him up for a suplex… Falcon Arrow through our announce desk!

TC: Where am I gonna put my beer now?

Styles: Admist all the rubble Jerri stands with a face full of glass.

TC: She looks like a human pincushion!

Styles: And she’s a got a sickle! Kobe is still laid out in front of his. She walks and kneels down.

TC: Fucking hell!

Styles: Jerri is picking Kobe’s face apart with that damn sickle! He is just a bloody mess.

TC: This shit’s gone way to far, you’re really crossing the line now Jerri!

Styles: Jerri drags Kobe towards the ring and pushes him with all her strength up the ladder. She has to turn her back and heave him with her shoulders, but she finally manages it. Jerri claws her way up as well and keeps him down with fists to the back of the head.

TC: Bail out Kobe! For the love of God get out of there!

Styles: Jerri grabs Kobe by the waist and tries to him upside down for a Tombstone, but he muscles out. Jerri pulls a piece of glass out of her face and slices her tongue. Red mist! But Kobe ducked in time and returns with a knee to the belly. He lifts Jerri by the throat and drives repeated hard knees into the gut before dropping her and hooking her up for another powerbomb.

SW: Don’t do it Kobe! She’s a woman for God’s sake!

Styles: OH MY GYAAAD! Powerbomb onto the steel mesh!

[Kobe salutes the crowd.]

Styles: Shooting All-Star Press! 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are you winners… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja… Up In Smoke!

Chicken With A Side of...Murder...

Little GoodSoem Guy In A MaskXing Long Li

[Cut to the parking lot where Little Good and Soem Guy In A Mask are smoking a cigarette. A limousine pulls up and parks in front of them. The door opens and Xing Long steps out with a bucket of fried chicken. She closes the door behind her and walks past the two.]

LG: Ah man, I want some chicken now.

SGIAM: Let’s go get some then! I’ve got a bit of money saved up.

LG: Are you asking me out? I’m not a fag ya know.

SGIAM: No! I just want some chicken.

LG: Well, if you’re paying.

[The camera follows Xing from behind as she walks into the building. As she finishes the last piece of chicken she tosses the bucket into the trash. Ahead of her a set of double doors burst open and a medical crew rush Kobe and Jerri on stretchers to the appointed doctor. The rest of the Fetish Freaks and Up In Smoke walk a steady pace behind them, also bearing battle scars. Xing pulls out a knife and strides up to Scatman and slits his throat.]

CSC: Holy shit! You killed him!

[Scatman coughs and splutters at the air as he crumples to the floor like a folded piece of paper. Xing wipes the blood off the knife on her dress and walks away.]

XXXtreme Striptease!!!

XXXtreme Machine

Styles: Well fans, the medical team rushed down to cut Kobe and Jerri free from the steel mesh and get them some emergency help. Jerri took the worst of it, but Kobe is obviously hurt as well.

[The Flunky and XXXtreme Machine finish up clearing the ring.]

Flunky: Dude, we can’t leave these fans hanging.

XM: wut du uy uuatn mey 2 bowt ti?!!1

Flunky: Get in there and tell some jokes! Hell, sing, dance, read a poem, I don’t care!

[XXXtreme Machine gets in the ring and starts dancing. The fans boo and throw trash.]

SW: What the hell is he doing?

[XXXtreme Machine rubs his body and starts teasingly removing his wifebeater.]

SW: Oh shit! Fuck no!

TC: He’s doing a striptease for BOB!

SW: I’m gonna puke.

[After removing his pants a team of security guards run into the ring and escort the blue haired jobber in tighty whiteys out of the building.]

SW: My eyes! MY EYES!

[Scotty steals The Commentators beer and tries to burn the image of XXXtreme Machine in his underwear out of his mind.]

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate
vs.
Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja

Dr. Silaconne M. PlantsDeathKid Pirate
Kobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the finals of tonight’s six-man tag team tournament!

SW: Just one more fight.

[“Symphony Of Destruction” by Megadeth plays.]

NH: Introducing first… Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Death & Kid Pirate; The Entities Of Destruction!

[SMP grabs a microphone and joins his tag partners in the ring. He pats the mic to get attention.]

SMP: Oh good, the broken glass is gone. Listen, excuse me if I start shouting. I get hot real quick and I have a sore throat, so I’ll make this real snappy. While our opponents, Up In Smoke, are not the biggest instigators of all this hardcore shit going on in BOB lately, I did want to inform them that there will be none of that monkey business going on in this ring against US. That’s all. Now if you blue blooded, redneck, hillbilly greenhorns want to pick your hearts and guts up off the floor and get out here for a real fight then the dirtiest booby enhancer in the game, the meanest son of a gun there ever was and a man who already has his wooden leg aimed at your throats will be more than happy to give you the biggest ass whipping of your lives!

[“How High” by Method Man & Redman plays.]

NH: And their opponents… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja; Up In Smoke!

TC: Up In Smoke is in dire straits! They’re geared up in bandages and they’ve got the Entities Of Destruction gunning for them!

SMP: What a sorry sight. Hey G’s, if you just want to leave that’s fine with me. There’s no shame in saving your skin, what’s left of it.

[douja lights up three blunts, a joint, a pipe and a two bongs and passes them around.]

douja: lets get this thing crunk!

SMP: You do know marijuana is illegal, right?

[As Up In Smoke walks slowly, very slowly, to the ring douja pulls out a water pistol and squirts it at SMP.]

TC: Well that was just the cherry on the parquet.

[Up In Smoke climb into the ring and swing their arms from side to side above their heads. The audience joins in.]

Joe: Yeah! What? Ok! Let’s get it cruuunk.

Kobe: Somebody give me a chair!

[The fans all stand up for the faces, pick up the chairs they were sitting on and throw them into the ring.]

Styles: Holy shit!

[The fans keep throwing their chairs as they begin to pile up. The Entities Of Destruction bail out of the ring.]

SMP: I said there WASN’T going to be any of that hardcore shit in this match!

[douja picks up a chair and throws it like a baseball at SMP’s head, who dodges and the chair crashes down and into the floor. SMP has a furious expression on his face. Up In Smoke get back into the groove and start dancing again as the chair avalanche slowly starts to dies off.]

TC: The fans are on their feet!

SW: Thanks Captain Obvious.

Styles: Up In Smoke start sliding the excess of steel chairs out of the ring with their feet. I guess they don’t need that many.

SW: There’s plenty of surplus though if they need one.

Styles: Death climbs into the ring as Up In Smokes’ backs are turned and whips them all with a bull rope. He lifts Joe up and slams him down hard with an Oklahoma Stampede. 1, 2, and Kobe breaks up the pin.

SW: He’s probably more pissed off that his blunt got knocked out of his mouth than Joe being slammed.

Styles: Death sends douja flying out of the ring with a big foot and starts trading punches with Kobe.

TC: Here we go, it’s on!

Styles: Kobe tries to drive his fingers into Death’s throat, but big boney blocks and gives him a palm to the nose.

TC: That’ll make your eyes water.

Styles: Kobe grits his teeth and knocks Death back with a ferocious shot to the skull. Death shrugs it off and takes Kobe down with a running bell clap! 1, 2, and Kobe kicks out!

[Kid Pirate slides into the ring with a metal pan.]

Styles: Kid Pirate is in and Death flips Kobe over before exiting to take care of douja.

TC: What’s he doing?

Styles: Kid Pirate grips the metal pan by either side and holds it over Kobe’s face before wrenching back with a camel clutch!

SW: And it has pieces of streaky bacon on it!

Styles: Joe comes to and breaks the hold with a boot to the back. He rips the metal pan out of Kid Pirate’s hands and cracks it over his head!

TC: Where the hell is SMP among all this?

SW: I’d wager he took a toilet break.

Styles: On the outside Death is ramming a steel chair edgeways into douja’s spine like he were digging a grave.

TC: Bam! Bam!

Styles: And Death takes off with a gaudy stride as the fans boo. He doesn’t see Joe Bananas up top and gets taken down with a diving plancha!

TC: What athleticism!

Styles: In the ring Kobe teleports to his and hooks Kid Pirate between his legs. Lifts him up and a leaping Doctor Bomb connects! 1, 2, and…

CRACK!

Styles: SMP just broke up the pin with a Singapore cane, which splintered into a thousand pieces over Kobe’s head!

TC: He was playing possum!

Styles: SMP locks in an oriental spike on Kobe, but he muscles out. SMP chops him across the throat and locks the oriental spike in a second time. Kobe struggles up and kicks SMP in the belly. SMP keeps his cool and rakes the eyes.

TC: He’s a God damn bad apple! He said he despised the hardcore style!

SW: He doesn’t really have a choice.

Styles: Low blow attempt caught by Kobe and throws the arm away. SMP sidesteps a pump kick and hits a sickening throat thrust. SMP grabs Kobe by his jersey and starts tearing it off whilst pummeling him with closed fists. Joe comes in to help but SMP knocks him down with a bionic elbow.

TC: For God’s sake, let the poor man wear his damn shirt!

Styles: SMP pulls the jersey right off and boots Kobe. He hooks an arm and runs to the ropes… and sends Kobe flying out of the ring onto a mountain of steel chairs!

TC: He doesn’t care if he breaks his damn back!

Styles: Kid Pirate is up now. He and SMP double team a defenseless Joe with stomps to the head and chest. Now Death is in and he gladly joins in on the violence.

[Death holds up his hand.]

Death: Wait a minute! I’ve got an idea.

Styles: Death makes some hand signals to Kid Pirate and he climbs out of the ring. Death lifts Joe up in a bearhug and sits him on the top turnbuckle as Kid Pirate crawls in under the apron.

[Death stands up a steel chair a few paces ahead of Joe.]

TC: What the hell is going on here?

Styles: Kid Pirate is back from under the ring… and he’s got a table!

[Kid Pirate clears a spot and sets up the table behind Joe. Death casually strolls to the opposite corner.]

Styles: He wouldn’t.

SW: He can’t!

Styles: Death runs up, hops off the steel chair and hits a flying stinger splash on Joe, sending him falling like Wile E Coyote through the table!

SW: Holy shit!

Styles: And it’s douja! douja is back! Clothesline takes Kid Pirate Down! Single leg dropkick sends Death tumbling like a house of cards out of the ring! But SMP drives him into the mat with a Double D Spinebuster!

TC: And Kobe and Joe are marinating in their own blood on the outside! He’s helpless!

Styles: SMP picks up a steel chair with a look of disdain and holds it over his arm before dropping an elbow right on top of douja’s face! douja erupts with blood like a geyser on impact!

TC: I think he broke his nose.

SW: Either that or it was made out of silly putty all along.

Styles: SMP laughs an evil laugh. He’s got douja hooked, Med Degree! NO! Kobe Gyant from behind with a chairshot stops SMP cold! But Kobe falls to one, he’s hurt really bad. SMP holds the back of his head in pain, with a lemon sour snarl on his lips. He takes advantage of Kobe’s weakened state and holds him between his legs. SCALPEL’S EDGE! IT’S OVER! 1, 2, NO! douja, with a face like an upturned bottle of pasta sauce, uses every ounce of strength he had left to break the cover!

[He quickly takes a toke on a pipe.]

Styles: douja tries to break SMP’s teeth with an angry chairshot!

TC: He’s like popeye!

Styles: And another chairshot! And another! douja turns the chair sideways and almost slices SMP’s head in half with repeated chairshots! douja lifts him up… CHRONIC NECK PAIN! Joe ties that bullrope around Death and Kid Pirate on the outside and reign them back! 1, 2, 3!

NH: Here are your winners of tonight’s six-man tag team tournament… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja… UP IN SMOKE!

TC: That match was hellacious! What a war between these two teams!

Styles: Death and Kid Pirate break from the bullrope and drag SMP out of the ring. They climb over the guardrail and retreat through the crowd.

TC: They’re getting the hell out of dodge!

Introducing Tonight's Mystery Sponsor

SandersXing Long Li

[“Down With The Sickness” by Disturbed plays.]

Styles: I presume this is the mysterious sponsor of tonight’s PPV.

SW: Who the hell is it?

[A tanned, middle aged man with a slicked back head of jet black hair and a moustache walks out in an Armani suit.]

TC: Well he’s certainly the best dressed man to ever step foot in BOB.

SW: He kinda looks like Stalin.

[Xing Long walks a few steps behind him, carrying something in her arms.]

Armani Man: Congratulations on your victory Up In Smoke! You’ve entertained me quite well, hell, every wrestler that competed tonight put on an exceptional performance.

Kobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja

[Joe and douja help Kobe to his feet and try to recuperate him with a bong.]

Joe: Who the hell are you anyway?

Armani Man: Oh, my apologies. I am the sponsor of this little shindig, and I am also entering Brawlers On A Budget as this vicious young lady’s manager and general advisor as well as competing myself… so as long as I consider the opposition worthy. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sanders.

douja: sanders?! like the colonel?

Sanders: No! Nothing like the Colonel!

[Up In Smoke snicker.]

Kobe: Can I get a bucket of fried chicken Colonel Sanders?

[Kobe and douja high five.]

Sanders: I tried to be gentlemanly, but you goldfish have no respect!

[Sanders removes his tie.]

Kobe: Hey, we’re just clowning around old man. Why don’t you come down here so we can beat our prize money out of you?

[Sanders removes his jacket and tosses it aside.]

douja: cat got your tongue sanders? or did that chink girl steal it on your date?

Sanders: Ah.

[He points at Nurse Heidi and she opens an envelope she had in her pocket.]

Sanders
vs.
Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja

SandersKobe GyantJoe Bananasdouja

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a three on one handicap match with $10,000 dollars a piece up for grabs. Introducing Up In Smoke’s opponent, from Managua, Nicaragua. Weighing in at 187 lbs… Sanders!

[He unbuttons his shirt to reveal a black mesh shirt underneath.]

Sanders: Xing, if you don’t mind. This’ll only take a minute.

Xing Long Li

[Xing hands him the contents of her arms and he starts to unfold them.]

Kobe: What the hell is that?!

[Sanders hangs the black trenchcoat covered completely with knives, attached to the garment at the handle, over his shoulders and puts his arms through the sleeves.]

douja: DA FUCK?!

[He then pulls a small dagger out of one of the sleeves and motions it across his throat. He then throws the knife at the ring and it sticks into the apron. Up In Smoke jump back.]

Sanders: Are you ready?

Styles: The sponsor of tonight’s show Sanders, seemingly a megalomaniac and a complete psycho, runs to the ring and slides in under the bottom rope. Superkick to Joe Bananas! Enzuigiri to douja! And a judo throw takes Kobe down!

TC: Holy shit, it’s Chuck Norris!

Styles: Kimura armbar applied to Kobe! Joe tries to pull him off but Sanders sweeps him off his feet from his back. douja charges at him with a steel chair. Sanders stands and big boots it into his face!

TC: And Xing Long is just standing with her arms crossed watching this carnage.

Styles: Sanders lifts Kobe by the throat into the air and uppercuts him in the throat. As Joe stands Sanders leaps into the air and almost crushes his windpipe with a knife edge chop. I don’t believe it, he’s cleared the ring!

TC: Up In Smoke is hurt, he’s taking total advantage of all the punishment they’ve sustained throughout this show.

SW: Still, he’s kicking three men’s asses into next week.

Styles: Sanders pulls a serrated blade out of his sleeve and holds Joe up by his dreads. Oh my GYAD! He just cut a chunk of his ear clean off!

Joe: Son of a BITCH!

Styles: Sanders wipes the blood onto that knife covered coat and throws the blade into the audience.

SW: I wouldn’t wanna be the guy who tried to catch that.

Styles: douja with a spear, but Sanders brings up the knee in time and douja collides with it. Middle kick to the ribs followed up with an axe kick to the collar bone. Sanders grabs him by the throat and chokeslams him onto his knee!

TC: This Sanders fella is dominating.

Styles: He turns his attention to a dizzy Kobe Gyant.

Sanders: For you.

Styles: He grabs him by the back of the head, runs to the corner and smashes him face first into the top turnbuckle. Turns round and runs up for another in the opposite corner. Sanders grabs the edges of his coat and does a backflip, slicing Kobe with all those knives in the process.

SW: Who the hell IS this guy?!

Styles: Sanders uses one of the coat’s tails like a whip and slashes it across Joe’s face. He jumps into the air and spins, the flailing coat cutting Joe up all over.

[“Highway To Hell” by Iced Earth plays.]

D-Van Drudley

TC: It’s D-Van!

Styles: D-Van Drudley runs down and clotheslines Xing Long on her ass. He’s getting a table!

TC: Yes!! End this destruction D-Van!

Styles: D-Van slides the table into the ring and drives a gasoline can into Sander’s skull! He helps Kobe up and they set the table up in the middle of the ring.

SW: This is a screwjob!

Styles: Now D-Van is pouring gas onto the table! He lights a match and the table goes up in flames!

TC: Send him to hell!!

Styles: Kobe lights a steel chair on fire and hits Sanders with all his might! Whip to the ropes, 4D THROUGH THE TABLE! 1, 2, 3!

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here are your winners… Kobe Gyant, Joe Bananas & douja!

TC: They did it! By gawd did they do it!

Styles: Sanders rolls out of the ring and Xing Long helps put him out. Up In Smoke and D-Van Drudley celebrate in the ring with spliffs all round!

D-Van: So… which one of you guys is gonna split their $10,000 with me?

[Kobe rolls his eyes.]

TC: Up In Smoke is standing tall! They’ve won the tournament and have beaten that evil son of a bitch Colonel Sanders!

[Kobe gets on the mic.]

Kobe: So Sanders, how about that prize money you promised.

[Sanders removes his coat and hands it to Xing Long.]

Sanders: A promise is a promise. I’m an egomaniac, but I know when I’ve been beaten. The prize money is yours.

[The crowd cheers.]

Sanders: Here, allow a few of my other associates to give it to you.

[“Crush” by Pigsty plays.]

Christian St. ChristianJerri Li

Styles: It’s Christian St. Christian! And Jerri Li!

[St. Christian and Jerri sprint down and get climb into the ring as quick as lightning.]

Styles: St. Christian with the steel chain lashes Kobe Gyant and douja! Jerri tackles Joe Bananas and rips the rest of his ear off with her teeth like a fucking wolverine! St. Christian wraps his chain around D-Van’s neck and throws him out over the top rope!

TC: For the love of God!

Styles: Sanders and Xing Long march into the ring. St. Christian releases an unconscious D-Van and helps Jerri kick Up In Smoke right out of the ring.

[Sanders stands in the middle of the ring with an evil smirk on his face. Jerri Li and Xing Long stand either side of him and St. Christian gets down on the floor in front of them like a dog.]

SW: A new Fetish Freaks?

Styles: Fans, thank you so much for joining us tonight, even if the show was paid for with dirty money. I’ve been Mikey Styles along with Scotty Whatbody and The Commentator. Goodnight, and have a great summer!

[The BOB logo appears and we fade to black with the sight of BOB’s newest stable.]


© 2009 BOB Wrestling!

Chapters Main Menu

Brawlers On A Budget

Send Us Money: Leader of the Pack


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