Sure it's Part 2, but it's still the same event
[We are still not live from the inside of a tent at the Field Of Broken Dreams in Why, Arizona. Why? Get ready to ask yourself a lot this morning. We open with a shot from the Not As Good-A-Year Blimp, which is circling about 20 feet above the tent. We see a few dinged up cars parked around the outside, and the top of a tent. Inside the arena, Nurse Heidi is back in her announcer's seat and Kay Fabe is back inside the cage. Kamikazie Ken has cut down all the ring ropes with an instrument used for cutting and is now stringing up barbed wire.]
Mikey Styles: This is obviously going to take a few minutes.
Scotty Whatbody: I still can't get over what we just saw.
Nurse Heidi: Let us never speak of that incident again.
Styles: Well, Kamikazie Ken won't be a factor for a few minutes. And if we had replay capabilities, no doubt we'd replay that amazing crash through the cage thing about 700 times.
SW: Why is the barbed wire bright red?
MS: IT MUST BE DRIED BLOOD! Pull those cameras back.
SW: Oh no. Rubber tipped barbed wire!
["That Overplayed Song, You Know, That One...No, The Other One...Yeah That's It" by That Group begins playing.
Styles: Has it been two minutes already?
SW: Who knows. This event seems like it's never going to end.
NH: Typical BOB.
Styles: It's Graphic Flatulence! Graphic Flatulence is in Why!
SW: Because he's part of the match.
Styles: No, I meant...
NH: The real question isn't why he's in, the question is why is he in boxing attire. He's got on gloves and boxing shorts. Is it time to get ready to rumble?
[The lights suddenly get dim. Oh wait, that's just the clouds blocking out the sun. Nevermind.]
Styles: Wait, I recognize this! It's a Concussion For Nothin Match! This is the match where wrestlers box and get points!
SW: Ugh. We're really stretching for gimmick matches here, aren't we.
NH: That's what most of the wrestling world said back in 1998. Brawl For All ring a bell?
GF: Hey Kay you big *FLLLLAAPPPAATH* You want a piece of me you dumb *FLAPPPPTHWACK*.
SW: Hey look. Hardcore JJ is still in the match! I forgot all about him?
NH: Aww, he's waking up from his nap. I guess he was in that bed the whole time.
SW: Yeah, sure, maybe the readers will buy that one. *Cough*forgotabouthimtilsomebodyjustrereadtheshow*cough*.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Graphic Flatulence just hit Kay Fabe and knocked her to tha mat!
[On the screen come the following points: 4.1, 5.0, 2.9, 3.9, 4.0.]
Graphic: 2.9? What the *PHFFFFFFTH* are you smokin' *PHFFFFFFTH*.
Styles: Kay is back up. This isn't fair! And Kay goes down!
Scotty: And it wasn't even for another woman! This must be the lowest point in the last two seconds of her life!
[On screen, Kay Fabe has all 6.9's and Graphic Flatulence has all 10s.]
GF: Yeah *FPPPPPPPTHFWACK* now we're talking. Come on you *PPPPFTHH* *PPPPFTTTTTTH* *PFFFFFFFFTHWACK*.
SW: Wouldn't you think that farting would make him want to try to stop swearing?
GF: Hey, *FFFFFPHTTTTTH* you. It makes me feel LIKE A MAN! Something you don't know a *FFFFPPPTTTH* thing about!
Styles: Sarah bonks Mr. X on the head with her cell phone. He's down again. Cover! ONE, TWO, THREE! Sarah pins Mr. X again.
NH: Hey, look! Sleazy-C is climbing out the cage. JJ is trying to pull him back in, but, YES. Sleazy-C has escaped.
Sleazy: Yeh, suck deez nutz, bitch!
JJ: JJ left the cage too!
Styles: Well, Sleazy won the cage match by escaping, which means JJ has been elminated. Does that mean Sleazy-C is our new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS?
Styles: I hope to God not!
MS: WHAT A MOMENT. WHAT. A. MO. MENT!
Styles: JJ DROP on Sleazy!
NH: No, he wasn't pinned so JJ retains but he's elminated. And since Sleazy left the cage, I guess he's eliminated too?
SW: Sure, let's stick with that story. Detached Narrator?
[What do you want?]
Sleazy: Yo, get this fool outta here.
JJ: Shuddup you summabitch!
[Ugh, JJ and Sleazy vanish. The cage is raised. Yes, through the football again. And just for the sake of fair play....here are some gloves Kay.]
NH: Where did those gloves come from?
SW: I always wanted to see her box!
Styles: Kay and GF are pounding each other as Sarah continues pinning Mr. X. What's her lead on him in this Ironwoman Match?
SW: Sorry, I lost count about 12 pins ago.
[Cut to XXXtreme Machine in parking lot.]
XM: hoz gona cum afvce tha hardkor12 legaanc bicht
[Back in the arena "That Overplayed Song That Makes Me Want To Blow My Brains Out" by That Group kicks in, and the crowd goes wild as Brandon steps out. One fan turns into a lion. Another turns into a zebra. And the chase is on!]
Styles: Dear LORD! A lion is chasing a zebra through the crowd! This is INSANE!
NH: Brandon has a foam rubber baseball bat. You know what that means?
SW: Time for some anger management?
NH: Um, no. A Foam Rubber Baseball Bat Match!
STJS: Hmm. My boot's united.
Mr. X: I think you mean unTIED.
STJS: Oh, you're so gonna get a flying sidekick into your chest. Once I tie this boot.
Styles: Brandon is in the ring and he hits Mr. X in the head. Oh man,he's wailing away on Mr. X. But Mr. X grabs the bat! And now he's hitting Brandon with the foam bat! Brandon goes down to one knee.
STJS: There we go. All tied.
[Meanwhile, a still blindfolded Violent Pacifist stumbles over the guardrail.]
NH: Here comes Sarah with a flying sidekick, aimed straight for Mr. X!
[Just then, Mr. X slipped on that pesky banana peel and fell over.]
MS: SHE GOT HIM!
Styles: Oh NO! Sarah just KOed Brandon!
SW: GF just took down Kay Fabe with another stiff shot. And now he punches Sarah!
GF: Damn *FPPPTHACK* women!
STJS: Hey, I gave you your job here. Where's the love? I'm Sarah!
Styles: Kay Fabe has been eliminated. But she was thrown over the top rope so she doesn't lose her title.
NH: Mr. X dives on top of Brandon. Cover! One, two, THREE! Brandon has been eliminated! And we have another new champion. I think.
STJS: Man, I've got some major wigguns right about now. VP! I could use a little help here!
VP: Who said that? Where is everybody!
STJS: Nice jobbers. Nice jobbers. Um, Ken? How's the ring coming?
KK: Good. Should be done in about five minutes!
Styles: Sarah is all alone with Graphic Flatulence and Mr. X. And Mr. X has Mr. Foam Bat!
SW: Is it a rule that whatever weapon these idiots have here, we just put Mr. in front of it.
MS: TONIGHT IT IS! ON the GREATEST EXTRAVAGANZA OF ALL TIME.
Styles: GF and X dive at Sarah, but somehow, using my great training techniques no doubt, she ducks under both men and rolls through as they comically fall face first into the mat.
STJS: You've got the coordination of a pair of gorillas on crack. And an equally fresh minty smell. Minus the minty part (she said waving her hand in front of her nose).
[Mr. X looks at GF.]
STJS: It's him, isn't it?
Mr. X.: Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Whose to say what's what?
STJS: Gee, can you vague that up a little?
Graphic: Are you saying I *FPPPFFTHHTHHTHHT* smell.
Mr. X: I ain't saying nothing.
NH: Sarah with a flying sidekick! To both men at once.
SW: Wow, is she flexible! Did you see how far apart her legs were just then.
MS: THEY COULDN'T BE SPREAD ANY WIDER!
Styles: Sarah pins GF! One, two, three! And she pins X again. One, two, three!
SW: Seeing as how she's stuck in an Iron Woman match, it really does her no good now, does it?
[Sarah continued to pin and Styles continued to count. Until.]
MS: IT'S STINKBUTT NASTYASS! And he is out here for a LAST MAN STANDING match!
STJS: Could this GET any more worse?
NH: Stinkbutt is in the ring. And Sarah with a backfist. A kick. A kick. A spin kick. And another kick.
MS: What offense from Sarah…"The Jobber Slayer."
Styles: More kicks, more punches, more kicks, more punches.
MS: A sideslam!
Styles: That was a punch!
MS: Are you sure?
Styles: She is beating the crap out of Stinkbutt, almost literally.
NH: But look out, Mr. X and Graphic Flatulence are getting up.
SW: Yeah, look out, they might get their suck all over Sarah.
NH: Wait a second. I just realized something. Stinkbutt and Graphic Flatulence are in the same ring at the same time.
Styles: OH MY GOD! You're right. OH NO SARAH! What are you doing?
NH: Didn't you teach her ANYTHING? You can't POWERBOMB STINKBUTT!
Styles: WHAT ARE YOU DO--
Styles: EVERYONE JUST FELL OVER!
SW: Oh man, I may fall over if I get a whiff of that.
Styles: Well, while everyone is out from the gas, we need to get some gas masks. Before we pass out. We'll be back.
=<>: HEY, MOTHERFUCKERS, I'M THE D'OH CHAMPION NOW AND NOBODY NOTICED.
[Cut to BigBOSS.]
[Back to Smilies.]
=C]: BUT I BEAT THE UNDIETAKER TOO, MOTHERFUCKER.
=<>: I BEAT HIM FIRST!
=C]: FUCK YOU.
=<>: NO, FUCK YOU.
=C]: OKAY, FINE, WE'LL ROCK PAPER SCISSORS FOR IT.
=<>: YOU'RE ON.
=C]: IT WOULD HELP IF WE HAD HANDS.
=C]: OKAY, FINE, YOU WIN THIS TIME, BUT I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME.
Styles: Are we back? I guess we are.
NH: Mmphhhfff mphhhhhfff mmmmphff.
Styles: You're gonna have to take your hand off your mouth. Just pinch your nose.
SW: But you sound retarded styles. You sound like you should be on an ice cream cake.
NH: Cookie Puss?
SW: Yeah! Cookie Puss!
Styles: Well you sound like Fudgie The Whale now.
SW: Oh, eat me.
NH: Did you two practice this routine?
Styles: Only once or twice.
SW: Look, it's Jim. He's coming down to the ring. He's got a strap.
NH: But he just got a whiff of something Nasty and passed out.
SW: Well, this is exciting television isn't it? Jim, Sarah, Mr. X, Stinkbutt and GF all passed out in the ring. And Kamikazie Ken is stringing up barbed wire. Bra-vo.
MS: WHAT A HISTORICAL SHOW! IT'S A RUNAWAY FREIGHT TRAIN.
MS: I never say this, but FANS, tonight's show is just beyond description. Call up your friends and relatives and neighbors and let them know that BOB, IS ON THE AIR!
Styles: Wait, Sarah's getting up first! And she wisely has her hand over her nose.
STJS: Oh man, that's awful.
NH: Stinkbutt's getting up.
[Meanwhile, outside…XXXtreme Machine is walking and flies up in the air, slipping on some snow. And elsewhere in the tent, Violent Pacifist trips over a cable. Hey! What are you doing here?]
Masked Announcer: Somebody (he said very sternly) locked me in the trunk of my car. Thank god those Columbian Cartel members stole my vehicle and were stripping my car down for parts when they found me.
[Thank God you're wearing a mask. They must have beat the crap out of you.]
MA: I'll get even with you bitch!
[Bring it on you insane luchadore! Well, since you're here, I'll give you a line.]
MA: *Ahem* Every man in the ring and XXXtreme Machine and Violent Pacifist have been eliminated!
Styles: Stinkbutt wins the last man standing match apparently?
KK: I'm not eliminated! Am I?
STJS: No. You were still standing.
KK: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
SW: This is one of the flimsiest battle royal eliminations I've ever seen.
NH: Speaking of flimsy. It's time for the Flimsy Plexiglass Elimination Chamber. And here comes R V D!
[The Plexiglass Elimination Chamber lowers down from the ceiling. You may be asking yourself how is it possible that BOB had a Hell In A Cell AND a Plexiglass Elimination chamber up there? You'd like that, wouldn't you. Well SCREW YOU! You don't deserve an explanation. Because I'm in charge. And this place isn't supposed to make sense. And yes, it also passed through the football without as much as disturbing it. It must be a Super football.]
Styles: Are you quite done?
Styles: Stinkbutt, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," Kamikazie Ken and RVD are in the plexiglass chamber.
NH: Hey, the barbed wire ropes are all up now.
SW: Oh hell. That's like the cone of silence. Any gas that is emitted will stay in there forever! Or until the chamber is lifted.
MS: It's a slobberknocker!
Styles: Sarah and RVD are battling now and Kamikazie Ken is going right after Stinkbutt Nastyass. He really is a Kamikazie. Ken whips Stinkbutt INTO THE BARBED WIRE!
Styles: OH MY GOD!
NH: Sarah and Ken just looked at each other. They realized the life and death issue that now faces them. Deadly gas is filling up the chamber. There's no escape!
Styles: RVD just ran out of the ring, trying to get away from the smell. But he ran into the chamber.
NH: He just pulled out a butterfly sticker and stuck it on the glass.
SW: Ah, very helpful. Now people will now where the glass begins.
Styles: Yeah, that should help.
[But then there was a rattling noise, as if some cheap duct tape were failing. And then it happened.]
Styles: The chamber has been destroyed! Everyone is down in the ring! Buried in plexiglass!
SW: Could this get any worse.
[Suddenly Coma came out walking some Dobermans.]
SW: Oh dear GOD! I must learn to stop asking that question!
Styles: OH NO! It's a Doghouse From Hell Match! The dogs are pulling Coma down the aisle on a sled! And he's dragging a dog house behind him!
NH: This is yet another surreal Coma-moment. A Coment if you will.
Coma: Gleep! The full moon barks tonight. Howl! Harvest the rutabagas. There's a grape in my trousers that needs to be peeled! Poink!
Styles: Coma got out of the sled and one of the dogs began to hump the other one on the floor.
SW: More humping that doesn't involve Heidi! Damn BOB! Damn damn DAMN it!
NH: Coma is in the plexiglass littered ring and sees everyone laying down. What the? Coma is laying down!
SW: I guess he saw everyone else doing it so he wanted to join in too. What a moron.
Styles: But wait! In doing so, he dropped the AYOOYFM Title in the corner on top of another belt.
SW: OH NO!
NH: The referee just noticed and goes down for the count!
MS: ONE! TWO! THREE!
MA: The winner, and NEW…um…which title is that?
[Generic Ref picks it up and then starts dancing. Dance, bitch dance!]
[Oh fine, spoil sport.]
MA: The winner of the match, and new, Inordinate Champion. The Are Your Out Of Your Frickin' Mind Title Belt!
Styles: So, that title is defended 16-6 too?
[*Taps computer screen.* Told you a while ago kids, this crap don't have to make any sense if I don't want it to. That's the beauty of BOB. This is Hell, and you're all in it. Suffer! But I am suddenly interrupted as "Another Song I Can't Remember" by That Group plays, bringing out Mr. Thursday Night JC Long.]
Styles: Long is going right after Coma, who is still laying down. Coma is the unofficial keeper of the AYOOYFM Title belt. The only belt in wrestling history to ever win itself.
SW: What the hell? Why is he looking over at the belt?
JC Long: Stop looking at me! Do you see what it's doing! That belt is stalking me! It knows that it can't be J.C. Long so it's trying to intimidate me!
NH: Did I miss what sort of gimmick match this is?
SW: Is it a Dementia Match?
[How about a Thursday Night Rules match?]
Styles: What's that?
[Short matches with little meaning.]
SW: Ahh. Much like NAGAM in its prime!
NH: Ken, Sarah, Coma, RVD and JC Long are all back up, but Stinkbutt is still down on the mat.
MA: Stinkbutt Nastyass has been eliminated!
["Another Frigging Song" by That Group plays. Bringing out Little Good. And he's handcuffed to Adam Nowell. From the fWEo!]
Nowell: Why am I handcuffed to THIS jackass? He doesn't even smell good.
Little Good: Hey mate, I was just as disturbed when I woke up in bed with you. Just let me do me little bit here and we can go find a bleedin' hacksaw or something.
Nowell: (He shrugged) Maybe I can take out some frustration or something.
Styles: It's Kamikazie Ken, Sarah and Coma on one side and RVD and JC Long on the other side. In a barbed wire match. And Litle Good is out for a Set Your Opponents's Shoe Lace On Fire match.
[Once they get into the ring, Little Good pulls out a pack of smokes and his trusty lighter. Stinkbutt Nastyass gets up and sees Little Good.]
Stinkbutt: AHHHH! *FPPPPTHTHTHHHH.*
Styles: OH MY GOD! Little Good goes up in smoke!
SW: His shoelace is on fire too! He's gone.
NH: That was quick.
STJS: That's why I got rid of him.
LG: Hey. A little sympathy? I'm on bleedin' fire here love!
Nowell: (He tries to brush the ash from his hair.) Aw, man, now my hair's gonna smell like this for WEEKS.
[Then Sarah noticed the man handcuffed to Little Good....]
Styles: It's her love.
Nowell: Oh god. Why can I never get RID of you?
[Sarah rushed up to him, but Little Good got in the way.]
STJS: There seems to be, a burnt peroxide headed man blocking our love Angel!
Nowell: Whoever you are, I thank you.
LG: This is the man you want? What about us? (He turned around.) And what about US? We MUST have shared something special if we're handcuffed together. Maybe I want Angel!
Nowell: Oh my holiest God, where's that hacksaw?
RVD: Pardon me you capitalist pigs, but I really want to kick Sarah's ass. And this wasn't in MY script.
STJS: Do you MIND?
Nowell: AH! A GERMAN! *PUNCH*
LG: Hey, watch it. My wrist is chafing. And Sarah is MY love mate, not yours. So why don't you just bugger off.
Nowell: I would, but I'm still handcuffed to you.
[Suddenly, BVD walked out from backstage.]
BVD: HOOOOOO! I heard you need a Hacksaw. Well, I'm the Japanese Hacksaw, weak guy. (BVD slid into the ring and looked down at the handcuffs.) DOOOOD. You two dooods are handcuffed together. (He looked back and forth at them.) Doood. You're a couple of HOOOOOOOOOs.
Nowell: Can I punch HIM, too?
STJS: Look, I know you both love me, but my heart belongs to only one man in this world. (Sarah approached Angel.) You are the man who ate a pack of Devil Dogs for me. And you even came out here all the way to Why, Arizona, just so we could share some precious time together. Isn't it obvious? We're meant to be together.
LG: Bloody `el, I want Sarah!
Nowell: You want her? You can have her!
Styles: If anyone cares, while this soap opera has been going on, Ken and Coma have been brutalizing JC Long. And we're ready for another entrant.
MS: Massive Man Rendition First! For a Casual Clothing Match.
SW: What's that?
NH: Apparently he has to rip off the clothes off somebody in the match.
SW: This is that Massive-Tude guy, yeah?
Styles: Joshitude I think...
SW: Eh, I'll just call it Wussitude.
MS: Massive Man is one of the GREATEST OF ALL TIME.
SW: And that is what I'll call Markitude'..
Styles: MMR1 is going right for the distracted Sarah!
SW: Her shirt is off!
MS: The crowd is loving this!
SW: Screw the crowd, I'm loving this! Get her pants! And her bra! Everything must GO!
Styles: RVD grabs Sarah! MMR1 rips off her leather pants!
NH: Sarah has been eliminated!
Styles: The crowd sure is pissed off that Sarah won't be wrestling in bra and panties for the rest of the match.
SW: They're not the only ones!
[Despite being only in black bra and panties, Sarah fought her way free of RVD's grasp and walked over to Nowell and Little Good.]
STJS: Hmm. Two men, a pair of handcuffs, and me in my bra and panties. You boys want to slay me?
[She turned around and walked down the aisle. After she was out of view, and most of the heads looked back at the ring, Little Good turned to Nowell.]
LG: Well, I'm game if you are.
Nowell: (He rolls his eyes.) Whatever.
Styles: The boys are leaving.
SW: We'll assume it's to find a hacksaw.
NH: A hacksaw that isn't named BVD.
Styles: We seriously need a break.
Today's show is brought to you by:
NH: And we're
MS: WELCOME BACK FANS.
NH: Back. In the ring we have MMR1, RVD, JC Long against Coma and Kamikazie Ken. It's quite a scene really. They've been hitting all sorts of moves on each other. Yep. Quite action-packed indeed.
Styles: But the MOOD is about to change! Um. I mean, well, it's URINE!
NH: The sides are about to get even then. And he's got a plastic beer bottle. Oh no. A Plastic Beer Bottle Match?
SW: Look at him guzzle that beer down. He's running toward the ring, a bladder full of piss and vinegar, give or take the vinegar.
Styles: Urine has JC Long. Punch. Punch. Punch. Whip to the ropes. Big boot to JC's thigh! JC goes down!
NH: Urine bounces off the ropes. Corkscrew leg drop.
SW: Of sorts. More screw than cork.
MS: COVER! One. TWOOOO. THREE!
NH: JC Long is outta here.
JC Long: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
NH: Is he still yelling at the AYOOYFM Title Belt?
SW: Sure is.
Styles: RVD nearly takes Urine's head off with a kick. RVD bounces off the ropes and connects with a tumbling senton bomb!
SW: Man, you'd think he'd at least pretend the barbed wire was real.
RVD: Shut up you stupid American swine. Your barbed wire is inferior to German barbed wire. Ours will rip your filthy flesh to bits!
NH: Massive Man slams Coma. He's heading up top. But the dogs are starting to bark at him. But he doesn't let that distract him, oddly.
SW: This is ridiculous. Those ropes continue to sag but not bend! How is it possible.
NH: Ken is a good ring crew guy I guess.
Styles: He dives and connects with a Massive Leg Drop. And now he drops a Massive fist drop on Coma. And now he connects with a Massive elbow drop.
NH: Oh hell. This is going to get annoying quick. Every move has Massive in front of it.
Styles: Hey, I'm just reading the script.
NH: Oh and Kamikazie Ken charges at Massive Man. HE MISSES!
MS: INTO THE BARBED WIRE!
Styles: RVD is up on the top rope. Split-legged moonsault on Urine.
SW: How did he do that on barbed wire?
NH: I'll be damned.
Styles: Oh man, Urine's twitching like he's about to let his bladder go. RVD with a cover.
NH: One, two, big kickout. Oh hell.
SW: Urine is about to piss-up. Truly one of the saddest sights you will ever see. RVD punches. Urine no-sells.
[Suddenly "That Track" by That Group begins blaring.]
Styles: Didn't we hear that song already tonight?
MS: It's the UNDIETAKER. The PHENOM.
SW: This must be the evil one.
SW: He's on the heel team.
NH: Which one is the heel one?
SW: Isn't this joke, like, a year old now?
Styles: Two actually. And while we're recycling jokes, it seems Undietaker is recycling the other Undietaker's gimmick match from earlier.
MS: A SECOND, Underwear Drawer match.
Styles: OH MY GOD! Undietaker has Urine by the throat. He lifts him up. Wedgie Aided Chokeslam From Hell! All the way from the ring to the underwear drawer on the floor.
NH: And to add insult to injury, Undietaker has Urine's undies.
MS: Oh NO. Undietaker has KILLED URIMANIA! And buried him in underpants. Boxers, briefs, OH this is the blackest moment of all time in the history of the greatest BOB event of ALL TIME!
Styles: Undietaker has Coma by the throat now. He's walking towards the underwear drawer.
MS: OF DOOM!
NH: But from behind Kamikazie Ken grabs him and puts him into the rubber wire.
SW: Undie no sells it!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Coma just was thrown on top of Urine! He's stacked the bodies two high.
SW: MMR1 is going to capitalize on the situation. And he buries Coma in undies. He's eliminated.
NH: Wait a minute. No he's not.
SW: He isn't? He should be, the way these rules are set up.
Generic Ref: Josh, you are in a Casual Clothing Match. If you want to eliminate Coma, you're gonna have to strip Coma down to his undies.
MMR1: The style is Joshitude, not Fagitude.
Styles: And Massive Man lets Coma get up out of the drawer. And they fight back into the ring.
MS: The action, JUST DOESN'T STOP.
["Another Song" by That Group plays, bringing out Sir Hungalot next.]
Styles: He's out here in a Razor Blade Match if I understand correctly.
NH: The Big Sir pulls out a razor blade from his taped wrists.
Styles: Heidi, you weren't supposed to read--
NH: And he falls face-first to the mat!
NH: SLICE! Sir Hungalot comes up bleeding...
NH: Oh...I wasn't supposed to read this part was I? Who put these notes on my script?
Styles: Sir Hungalot has just been eliminated at his own hands.
Sir Hungalot: What? I wasn't supposed to cut myself? Man this place makes no sense. They give me a razorblade and tell me to go to the ring. And I get eliminated for it.
[Sir Hungalot leaves in disgust.]
Styles: Man, Josh and Coma are STILL fighting. Undietaker and RVD are just destroying Kamikazie Ken.
SW: His back has been, well, really kinda, yeah, from the barbed wire. Argh. If BigBOSS wants to protect the talent, I'm not gonna protect the viewers from what they obviously can see.
Styles: Fair enough.
NH: RVD is up on Undietaker's shoulders. NO way! He's not gonna hit a Six-Star Frog Splash from up there is he?
Styles: Nope. He just lost his balance and took out Undietaker in the process.
["Hey! Anananana (Song Dyslexia The)" plays. Must be a bonus track. Hmmm. Anyway. Here comes Dyslexic Avenger. I was gonna put an exclamation point there but I just don't give a fuck enough about him.]
Styles: It's the Dyslexic Avenger. And he's wheeling out ol' Sparky! A new cage is being lowered down from the ceiling.
SW: How many frickin cages do we have up there?
[As many as I say there are. I am all-powerful. MWAHAHAHAHA!]
MS: Its a HORRORS OF CHAMBER match!
NH: Don't you mean a Chamber of Horrors match?
Styles: It IS Dyslexic Avenger. And the black Thunderdome-style cage is now surrounding the ring.
MS: SURROUNDING. The ring.
Styles: Right. Anyway.
MS: Who will be put in the electric chair of DOOM?
Styles: Wait a second, isn't DA on the heel team?
SW: Oh my god Styles, who cares at this point. I didn't intend to spend the rest of my life at this event. But here we are. So just quit focusing on the pathetic little details that the BigBOSS has neglected and why am I saying this?
SW: Damn you Detached Narrator!
NH: Well, somehow it is now 4 on 2.
[Scene cuts to BigBOSS, who is pounding his head on the desk.]
BB: END YOU BASTARD. END!!!!
[Back to the cage of DOOM!]
Styles: Undietaker with a Wedgie Aided Chokeslam From Hell on Coma. And a second one for Kamikazie Ken. Oh, things look incredibly bleak for the faces.
SW: Yeah, but nobody is bothering to go for the football.
RVD: Get the ladder!
DA: Dokey okey...
RVD: No, no, no. You don't climb the ladder until AFTER you stand it up.
NH: Massive Man has the ladder set up. This one REALLY looks bad now. The heels could win it. All of Ken'z Kamikazie'z are down and not looking too good.
SW: They all can't like Kay, can they? Eh, eh?
NH: Stop nudging me! And never speak of that again.
[Back to BigBOSS, who is slapping himself to stay awake and finish the damn match! And then back to the ring.]
Styles: Undietaker pulls MMR1 off the ladder. I guess he wants the football.
SW: Heh. Maybe he could go buy himself his OWN gimmick.
["Song Title Goes Here" by That Group plays and the fans erupted. Right, woke up. OK. And its...Pope John Paul II.]
NH: But how is he going to get into the ring? The cage is oddly shaped and large. He's a frail old man. There's no way he can get in there without some sort of divine intervention.
SW: The Pope's an alcoholic?
Pope: Oh, God?
[A holy light shines down on the Pope. The light lifts the Pope from the floor, over the cage and inside!]
NH: The heels are in disbelief
MS: I have never seen anything like this before in WRESTLING HISTORY!
Styles: And the Pope goes right after the Menos Insano. He's Speaking the Gospel on all the evil-doers. Punches for Josh. RVD. Undietaker. Dyslexic Avenger. And as they get up, he punches them back down again.
NH: This is apparently a handicap match as God is helping PJP2 in this contest.
Styles: And the Kamikazie'z are on the winning side now.
SW: God's interfering! That's cheating!
NH: Scotty, you sure you want to get on the wrong side of the Lord?
SW: You seriously think I have a shot of getting out of here?
Styles: The Holy Light of God has RVD back in the corner. And look at RVD being rocked by tremendous blows by the Lord. RVD is rocking. The Lord's laying his vengeance upon RVD!
NH: And look at Popey go! He's staring the big Undietaker right in the eye. And he's smacking him good! Go POPE!
Styles: Coma with a spear on Undietaker! They both fall through the barbed wire ropes!
SW: Ken's got a chair! Uh oh! He puts it against his head and charges like a bull!
Styles: Ohhh my GOD! He just ran right into MMR1 and Dyslexic Avenger. But Ken's holding his neck in pain. RVD now realizes the predicament he's in!
NH: He gets away from the Holy Light. But walks right into the Pope! Pope whips him into God. POWERSLAM BY GOD!
Styles: God drags RVD into the corner. Oh no! Here comes the Pope!
SW: DOOKIEFACE! RVD's gonna need some (Beavis) TP for his pie-hole!
NH: Look! Undietaker and Coma are climbing up the Horrors of Chamber!
Styles: The Pope drags RVD to the middle of the ring. He does the sign of the cross and then hops off the ropes....and the other side....for the most Religifying Move In Sports Entertainment Today!
NH: Papal's Elbow! Pope pins RVD.
MS: God gets on too!
SW: One! Two! Three!
Styles: And the Pope and God are successful in their handicap match with RVD, who is now eliminated.
SW: I hate to call anyone a cheater...but two people pinning a heel? That's just wrong!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Coma and Undietaker just grabbed each other by the throat. OHHHH NOOOO! DOUBLE CHOKESLAM!!!!!!!!!!!
SW: Undietaker just fell through the doghouse!
NH: And Coma just fell into the underwear drawer!
MA: Both Coma and Undietaker have been eliminated. And RVD too. And a bunch of other guys.
[Damn it, I though I cut off your mic.]
[Ah, music to my ears.]
MA: FOOLED YOU!
[BITCH! I'll get you!]
Styles: Man, what a mess. RVD's face. Undietaker and Coma. We need to get these guys out of the ring. But how?
God: Allow me.
[God gets a Holy Broom. He sweeps RVD to the floor and toward the cage. He then does the same thing for Coma and Undietaker. A side of the cage lifts up from some unseen force, kind of like in cartoons when there's a big pile of dirt and it gets swept under the rug. Except it was three wrestlers, a doghouse, plexiglass and an underwear drawer. And it didn't go under a ring, and went out of the cage.]
Styles: Well, while God continues to clean up, maybe we should take a break?
SW: Sure. I need to run to the bathroom.
NH: I need to pee too.
MS: I need to take a dump! The BIGGEST DUMP OF ALL TIME!
Styles: Alright, let's have a break then. *Sigh*
[And we're back. Apparently Mark and Scotty are still busy because only Heidi and Styles are back at the table. So I guess I'll provide some color to this team.]
NH: Let me guess, blue?
[What do you take me for? Well, just to review, it's Ken and the Pope and God wrestling with Josh and the Dyslexic Avenger. Needless to say, the odds are in the good guys corner. But that's about to change right now. Because it's time…
INSANO MANO TIME!
And EXPLODING TABLE TIME!]
Styles: Oh my god.
NH: Insano Mano is rushing down the aisle. And he's climbing up to the top. Oh no. He's not going to!
Insano Mano: ¡Hey Ken! Voy a demostrarle que el kamikaze verdadero sea.
NH: How does he continue to get mic time?
Styles: He is bringing in a multi-national audience.
NH: He is?
Styles: Our Babelfishan demographic is through the roof!
NH: Should we mention what Mano just did.
Styles: Oh, right. OH MY GOD! SPEAR INTO THE BARBED WIRE! THE ROPES ALL COLLAPSE! KEN AND MANO ARE WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE!
NH: Pope is brawling with MMR1. Meanwhile, Dyslexic Avenger's gotta want a piece of God for his dyslexia.
Styles: And here they go. DA is swinging at the holy light. He's got God backed up into the corner! But God reverses. And he's laying in the light into DA. MMR1 grabs the Pope's hat and pulls it down over his eyes. OH NO! MMR1 just pulled off the Pope's diaper!
MA: The Pope and God have been eliminated!
NH: Scotty and Shill aren't coming back, are they.
Styles: I guess not.
[Death steps out from backstage. Oh you had to know this was coming.]
Death: A dyslexic walks into a bra...
[Rim shot. HIYOOOOOOOOO.]
Death How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
[Rim shot. HIYOOOOOOOOO.]
Death: How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? It's a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.
[Rim shot. HIYOOOOOOOOO.]
Death: Thank you everybody. I've be here all week.
[Death takes his leave.]
Styles: Alright then. Insano Mano is pulling out a bunch of Exploding Tables™.
["A Song That's Gone But Not Forgotten (Except In Name)" by That Group begins playing. Out walks Xamfir, holding hands with the beautiful Jeannie. He takes a look at Insano Mano and the tables.]
Xamfir: Hmm. You know. I wish that somebody else would get in there.
Jeannie: Who would you like?
Xamfir: Hmm. How about The Snapmare Kid?
Styles: SMK? No way!
NH: Snapmare Kid just materialized out of thin air. And now he's climbing over the cage and…oh…falls down.
Mano: My tiablo!
NH: I guess this is the last-minute change match?
NH: Mano puts a foot on him. One. Two. Three. SMK is eliminated.
Styles: And now everybody who is nobody is in the ring.
NH: Snapmare Kid was the 30th guy?
Styles: Sad isn't it? And that football is still hanging above the ring. Insano Mano, MMR1 and Dyslexic Avenger against Kamikazie Ken. Mano and Ken are still wrapped in strands of barbed wire, in case you forgot from that spear from the top of the cage.
NH: Yeah, that rubber is caught in their costumes. What? I had to read Scotty's line. Why did we come back, Styles? Wait. It's three on one?
[Ken does the Big Gulp.]
Styles: And here we go! Dyslexic Avenger, MMR1 and Mano all tackle him and punch him. Oh no! They just loaded him up onto a table.
NH: An EXPLODING TABLE!
Styles: It looks like they're putting Dyslexic Avenger is put in charge of holding him.
Avenger: Dokey okey!
Insano Mano climbs to the top of the cage.
Styles: Man with such a great show, you gotta know our next Pay-Per-View is going to be off the charts!
NH: Yes. I can't wait for the next BOB Pay-Per-View. It's gonna be great. It's gonna have a title. And it's gonna be delayed for weeks no doubt if our past history is any indication.
Styles: And WHAT A MAIN EVENT THIS IS. OH MY GOD! What? I had to read Shill's line.
NH: MMR1 has got the ladder. Mano is still climbing up to the bendy part of the cage now. MMR1's head just banged into the football. He punches it!
Styles: He what?
NH: It hits him again and knocks him off the ladder.
Styles: Insano Mano JUST JUMPED!
BOOM-KA BOOM-KA BOOM-KA!
[That's what Dyslexic Avenger heard.]
Styles: OOOOOOHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOD!
NH: Ken reversed positions and pulled Dyslexic Avenger onto the table and then Mano crushed him through it. MMR1 fell off the ladder through another table.
Styles: Ken covers MMR1. ONE. TWO. THREE!
NH: MMR1 is eliminated.
Styles: Ken covers DA.
DA: Me please help!
NH: One, two three!
[The cage begins lifting. Ken and Mano look up in horror!]
Ken and Mano: NOOOO!
[They both charge for it.]
Styles: Wow. It's down to Mano and Ken. These two haven't faced off since Pay-Per-View: Live On Pay-Per-View!
NH: But what a jump by both guys.
[Meanwhile, I filled up the ring with exploding tables stacked two high!]
KK: You did WHAT?
Styles: Mano and Ken are 10 feet over the ring now. OH! Ken with the advantage. MANO FALLS!
NH: Please tell me Ken isn't coming down!
Styles: Oh YES HE IS! He's just waiting for the cage to get a little higher!
NH: Oh no. Why? WHY?
Styles: He's off! 780 KENTON BOMB!
NH: Ken covers him.
Generic Ref: Um. Ken. There are no pins now.
KK: Say what? Oh, right, the football.
Styles: Ken grabs the ladder and sets it up. But Mano is up!
NH: How can he be up?
Styles: Oh no! He just pulled out a barbed wire trampoline from under the ring! He slides it inside.
NH: I have to have seen everything now.
Styles: Ken's on the third rung of the ladder. And climbing at a slow enough pace to allow Mano set up the trampoline. Now Mano climbs the other side. They're up top. OH MY GOD! MANO JUST HOODANCONRANED KEN ONTO THE TRAMPOLINE!
Both guys: Owwwwww!
Both guys: OWWWWW!
Both guys: OWWWWW!
Styles: Both of the team captains are bouncing up and down on the barbed wire trampoline. This is so bizarre!
[3 minutes and a few pints of blood later]
NH: Well, the yo-yoing has stopped.
Styles: But I'm not sure if either guy is happy about landing crotch first on the rail on the outside of the trampoline.
NH: I'm surprised it took that long.
Styles: Ken and Mano's costumes are ripped to shreds. Blood is everywhere. THIS IS EXTREME!
NH: Ken picks up the ladder. Mano dives for a cross body block, but Ken reverses into a powerslam!
Styles: OH MY GOD! Did I just see that?
NH: Ken's got the ladder set up. Here he goes. Mano is still down!
Styles: He's got the football!
Styles: Ken is the champion of Stupid Bowl I!
[A strong gust of wind blows the ladder over.]
Styles: Detached Narrator is out of control. Well fans, we'll be back, hopefully with the presentation of the football from the BigBOSS. Don't go anywhere.
[The iAd trailer. Adam Nowell, carrying an umbrella (to protect himself from the sun?) and still attached to Little Good walked to the trailer and banged on the door. No answer. He banged again. Then the door opened up and Trey Vincent peeked out from the crack suspiciously, then opened it wide.]
Nowell: I come seeking beer. Or a hacksaw.
Trey Vincent: Ah, beer, the cause, and solution, to all of life's troubles. So sayeth the wise man, Homer.
Nowell: I don't remember Homer saying anything of that sort, and I'd object to it if I weren't so desperate for beer.
TV: Well, come on in. Trey Vincent is sure he got his accidental handcuffing hacksaw around here. Though, Trey Vincent is usually attached to chicks. Say....you ain't....a little.....faggy? (he asked, cocking his eyebrows).
LG: I resemble that remark!
Nowell: Yes, you do.
LG: Well, fine, get us free of each other. Because none of this is going to matter in a few months...because....from 64, down to 1.......a new evil is rising. Even more evil than you, Vincent. And even more evil than you without your puppy, Nowell.
Nowell: Man, does Sarah just tell you EVERYTHING about me?
LG: I know where you bloody live!
TV: You scrubs should form a tag team (he said while pulling a hacksaw out of the small refrigerator. He turned around and pulled a beer from off a hook on the wall. He set down the beer between Little Good and Adam Nowell. Trey then eyed the hacksaw.) Sarah. What a bitch, huh? Sometimes, don't you just wish....that...she'd shut up or something?
Nowell: YES! You're the first person I've met since I got here that made ANY sense!
TV: And don't you just wish that.....you could get drunk and forget about her?
Nowell: OF COURSE!
TV: Do you suppose it would be possible to kill enough brain cells with beer to forget she ever existed?
Nowell: I hope so.
TV: I like the way you think. Well then, want to find out? (Trey got up and ran to the end of the trailer.) Owww. (Forgetting about that low spot. And he began dragging out a cooler full of beer.) We can watch some porno. Drink some beer. And do it again. And good God, who smells like ass and fire?
Nowell: Him (he said, jerking a thumb behind him at Little Good).
TV: Alright, you're out, Little Good.
[Vincent began sawing like a madman on the cuffs until they broke. Nowell and Vincent then combined to toss Little Good outside.]
TV: Trey Vincent is going to get really drunk now.
Nowell: So is Adam Nowell.
TV: No, I mean, REALLY drunk.
Nowell: Ha! I'll be drunker than you!
TV: Oh really? That sounds like a challenge to me. My last night out drinking lasted three days. And I had a bit of a cold bothering me. Hell, I've been so drunk that Kelly Obsourne's singing was sounding GOOD to me.
Nowell: I was so drunk the last time that I wanted to shag Kelly Osbourne.
TV: Well...alright then...but just remember. If Studs and Seth show up.....Little Good stole their beer. Sarah… (Trey said, shaking his head in disgust as he popped open a can of beer.) Cheers.
[The trailer door opens and in walks Norm Peterson?]
Norm: Afternoon everybody.
TV and Nowell: NORM!
[Nope, Trey and Nowell didn't even question the absurdity of his arrival.
TV: Did you bring the strippers?
Norm: Would I let you down?
[Behind Norm, in walked three strippers, all dressed in body-suits made out of beer cans. Everyone in the room salivated.]
Norm: See, this way, we get to drink beer AND undress them.
Nowell: I think I'm going to practice a new religion. Normism.
[Back in the tent. Kamikazie Ken stood in the ring beside BigBOSS who had a microphone.]
BigBOSS: Congratulations Kamikazie Ken as being the first ever Stupid Bowl I champion!
[He was greeted by some agitated throat clearing from the crowd.]
Ken: Oh man. There were times when I thought things were going against me. With the barbed wire and the trampoline and the exploding tables…but it was all worth it. The blood. The sweat. (He suddenly stopped and began rotating the ball around.) That I've got this…hey, wait a second! There's no signature on the football!
[BigBOSS pulls out a marker and scribbles a name on there.]
BigBOSS: There ya go!
[Kamikazie Ken smiled from mask cheek to mask cheek and raised the football over his head before passing out from bloodloss.]
[Another trailer. Although, now that I look really closely, they all look an awful lot alike. But I digress. Kay Fabe was in this trailer. She heard a knock at the door and answered it.]
Kay: Well, hello there.
Michelle: I don't know what I'm doing here. I should go.
Kay: No you shouldn't. Kay Fabe has ice cream.
Michelle: You do?
Kay: And what goes better with ice cream then…
[Kay got behind Michelle and put her right cheek against Michelle's left cheek.]
[Fade to black.]
© BOB Wrestling 2003: A bigger tease than ever.