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Totally Dead

Kurt AngelComa

[Kurt Angel is sitting in a smoke-filled room.]

Kurt Angel: Viruz. You didn't need to bring the Hierarchy into this. Tony Ravioli and snOw have no business in our business.

Coma (off-camera): Pooooooin-k.

KA: Hey, you're not supposed to eat those, Coma. Those aren't M&Ms. You owe me for those. Where's your wallet?

Coma (off-camera): Neeeeeee-p.

KA: Oh boy. Viruz, the only way things are going to end between us is when one of us is sent to the local veterinarian. I'm willing to be crippled, but I wonder. Are you willing to cripple me? You better be, because Coma just ate all my goodies.

KA: And Death. Don't think I forgot about you, buster. Sure, I may have lost in less than 10 seconds last month to a guy in the Hierarchy, but this is BOB. That should make me an instant number one contender, or something. Death, I haven't forgotten about the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. So I'm challenging you, Death. Because when you kill me, I'll get some more of that heavenly weed before I get kicked out of the Garden of Eden yet again. Not false, so not false!

KA: So why don't you meet me on the very first episode of BOB's new show, Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION on G5 TV next month! And I'll show you it's a hallucination. A DAMN hallucination!

The GreatMike MonroeMr. LearyTrey Vincent

[In a hallway of the Riviera, The Great was standing by with Mike Monroe.]

MM: Well, The Great, have you heard?

TG: Possibly. Could you elaborate?

MM: You're suspended.

TG: The Great's…what?

MM: Yeah. Apparently the powers to be are pretty pissed at you for some reason. Which means that Axl will win the match tonight by forfeit.

TG: …

MM: And apparently, you're not getting paid, which means you'll probably be in the doghouse with your family, especially when you flew out here at your own expense.

TG: The Great has a contract to wrestle Axl. Which booker does The Great have to decapitate?

MM: Booker J, I believe.

TG: Booker J? Who the HELL is that?

MM: Leary.

TG: Leary?

Steve Leary: Brilliant!

TG: Wait, wait, wait. You suspended The Great, this late?

SL: Afraid so.

TG: Why?

SL: You know why.

TG: No The Great doesn't, you're going to have to elaborate. The Great was going to dominate. The Great was going to mutilate. And The Great was going to exterminate. Why do you hate and not appreciate THE GREAT?

[A door opens.]

TV: What the HELL is going on out here? I'm trying to convince Misty to fuck me, and I can't even be heard over you scrubs. Can't you do this interview down the hall or something? I want some pussy.

TG: Trey, au fait, Leary suspended The Great. The Great awaits you to berate Leary, for The Great's irate!

SL: He deserves to be suspended.

TV: Fuck you, Leary. You're fired. The Great, your street fight is back on.

SL: What? You can't fire me!

TV: DON'T COCK BLOCK THE BOSS!

[Trey slams the door shut.]

TG: Well, Mr. Leary. It appears there is a rise in the unemployment rate. Why don't you join the Army and go to Kuwait. But look at the bright side, at least every day now you can sleep late. Axl…in just a little while, you'll meet your fate.

[The Great walks off.]

SL: Shit.

MM: Yeah, that sucks. Well, Leary. You just got fired. But there is good news.

SL: What's that?

MM: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to public transportation.

[Mike walks away.]

Snapmare KidSteve Roydz

[In the BOB Ballroom, "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong is playing.]

Alex Smith: Yes. Hello everyone and welcome to "Totally Dead," just like the elites dreams of a new world order control-grid future. People are waking up to your sick plans, you scum! I'm Alex Smith, along with Scotty Whatbody, and Scotty, how dare you sir, take my money and then leave me for dead against the Fall of Man last month. Your reaction?

Scotty Whatbody: My reaction? What the hell are you doing here instead of Styles?

AS: The surveillance cameras are everywhere now, Scotty. Big Brother is right here in the Ballroom.

SW: Those aren't surveillance cameras. That's how we broadcast this show, idiot! And where's Styles?

AS: Don't take my word for it! Find out for yourself.

SW: Find out what? You're just evading my question.

AS: Just a reminder, steelcageplanet.com, steelcageplanet.tv, wrestlewars.com, smithreport.com.

SW: Stop plugging your stuff. Where is Styles?

AS: Styles is not with us tonight. My sources tell me he was getting a vaccination of some sort, which of course is filled with mercury, but it's GOOD for you, right? Right. So he has autism now or cancer or something.

SW: Cancer? Autism? What? This is supposed to be a comedy show.

AS: Oh, I've got plenty of lines to feed you later courtesy of Trey Vincent. I asked for permission to use this stage to alert you to what the globalist scum are to up to since nobody cares about either Steve Roydz or Snapmare Kid.

SMK: Hey! Somebody cares about me! Her name is Mom!

SW: Well, I hope Styles will be back when we hit the air on G5 TV in March.

AS: March? Doubtful. Inside sources tell me BOB probably won't be back until April since Leary deleted Photoshop on his computer.

SW: But Leary just got fired.

AS: It's all staged, Scotty. Alright, Snap Mare Kid is ready to take on Steve Roydz in his first contest here in Brawlers On a Budget. Let's send it up to the lovely, Nurse Heidi. Heidi!

Nurse Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your curtain jerker on Totally Death. Introducing first, already in the ring, the Snap Mare Kid!

["Macho Man" by the Village People plays.]

NH: And his opponent. From…uh…Muscle Beach or somewhere. This is Steve Roydz.

[The muscular Steve Roydz steps out, flexing and posing as he walks down the aisle.]

AS: Thank you, Heidi. Great job as always. Now. Steve Roydz, do you think he really lives on a beach?

SW: With what BOB pays, and how much of your paycheck I was taking home with my manager's fee, I'm surprised you're not living on a beach at night.

AS: Well, Scotty, I work nonstop, waking up the masses to the globalist schemes and plans to enslave everyone and form a one-world government which will strip everyone of their freedoms and they'll reduce the population by billions with various biological weapons. Your reaction?

SW: Uh…this should be a squash?

AS: Most likely. I've been in a few squashes myself. If only I could use my rifles in these matches, I probably would have had more luck in the win-loss columns.

SW: If you brought a rifle into the ring in this company, you'd probably get pinned by it.

AS: Alright. We're ready to get this match started. It looks like Roydz wants a test of strength with SMK, Scotty.

SW: Yeah, and SMK seems baffled. He's trying to snapmare Roydz's arm.

AS: To no avail. This one-trick pony can't even move the only man who makes Chris Masters look healthy.

SR: GRRRRRR!

AS: There's a back rake by Roydz. SMK grabs Roydz by the neck, but Roydz will not be budged.

SW: Plus, it doesn't hurt that SMK has never visited a gym. He looks like you as a teenager.

AS: I assure you I was never as skinny and frail as SMK is today, Scotty. There's a big punch by Roydz. Look at the apathy everywhere in this audience, Scotty. This is what they want. BOB must be part of the master plan to turn this nation into a bunch of MSG-eating, couch potato, drooling, zombified TV watching sheep.

SW: That'll win people over, insult 'em. How many subscribers do you have?

AS: I can't legally share that information, Scotty.

SW: Legally? What? I smell bullshit and…yep, definitely coming from you.

AS: Roydz whips SMK to the ropes and bounces off. Clothesline From Stanozolol! Oh my, folks, what a move!

SW: Explain that, please. I can't wait for a Leary/Skeeter commentary. It'll be 2014 before they get to this show.

AS: Stanozolol is a name for a common steroid. It was cleverly inserted instead of the word "hell" in the move Clothesline From Hell. That's how I assume he got all those muscles in his arm, from illegal steroids.

SW: Ah, right. Brilliant.

AS: Gorilla press slam by Steve Roydz.

SW: Sure, he's powerful. But don't overlook his total lack of wrestling ability.

AS: Great point. This is the kind of garbage that dictators like Trey Vincent and BigBOSS want to shove down our throats. Well, I say, enough! I mean…more!

SW: Bootlick, much?

AS: I'm getting paid by them tonight, if they tell me over the headphones to say something, then by god I'll say it. Anything to get the real message out about the evils of multi-national corporations, fascism, and the coming police state. Folks, I told you the STWF attacks were an inside job.

SW: That's true. It was Axl's group.

AS: Let me tell you, folks, that wasn't the original plan. If you want to see the true plan, become a member of steelcageplanet.tv, and I expose who was really supposed to be behind the STWF attacks.

SW: Man, I haven't heard such blatant shilling since they stopped doing those 900 numbers back in WCW. I should start calling you "Mean" Alex Smith. Wait, that's not good. What rhymes with Alex…hmm…"Phallus" Alex Smith?

AS: Very humorous, Scotty.

SW: I can shave you a bald spot and you can grow a porno mustache. And I can leave you out at a beach all day until you get nice and leathery skin. Oh, I see big things for you, buddy.

AS: No thank you, Scotty. Suplex coming up.

SW: Man, I haven't seen a suplex executed that poorly since you last threw one, Alex.

AS: I was never that bad. I think Roydz is ready to finish off SMK here. Plus, the crowd is chanting "booooring."

SW: They're not the only ones. Boring! Boring!

AS: There it is, the HeadLock.

SW: His finisher is a headlock? Dude.

AS: SMK is losing consciousness.

SW: So are most of the fans.

AS: And that's it, Generic Ref is calling for the bell.

NH: Here is your winner as a result of submission, Steve Roydz!

AS: Quite the start tonight, Scotty.

SW: Don't cut your Internet wires. I swear, it can only get better from here. Because coming up next, it's a hot Asian slut! Woohoo!

AS: Right. Jerri Li makes her debut against Eliza. Up next! Stay tuned. We're on the march, the empire's on the run!

Mike MonroeEliza "The Jobber Slayer"BigBOSS

[Mike Monroe was standing by with Eliza "The Jobber Slayer," BigBOSS and Mrs. Behave.]

MM: Are we still doing this angle?

BigB: Camera's on, underling.

MM: I'm here with--

BigB: Detached Narrator took care of that already.

MM: Eliza--

Eliza: AHHHHHHHHH!

MM: Right.

Eliza: Mrs. Behave, for months now, there's been all kinds of tension between us. And I just wanted to say, right now, before I go into the biggest match of my life against some S&M leather WHORE, that I love your husband. Like a man.

BigB: *Ahem*

Eliza: I mean, like a BROTHER! Not like a man. Hehehehehe. So, just stop worrying. Your husband has no interest in a beautiful goth goddess with tattoos in very sexy places. He loves you like a wife.

Mrs.B: Can I fire her, Stuart?

BigB: What? No. We've already paid her for tonight. I'm not going to lose money! You're so paranoid, thinking we're plotting to get rid of you all the time. You're still here, aren't you?

Mrs.B: Of course I'm still here. Now. I'm more worried about the part WHEN you two get rid of me. Permanently!

BigB: Besides, she's my nurse.

Mrs. B: What do you need a nurse for? You're out of your wheelchair.

BigB: Hey, look at that! Time for our match. We'll see you later, honey.

[BigBOSS and Eliza walk off. Mrs. Behave shakes her head in disgust. Suddenly, Eliza reappears.]

Eliza: AHHHHHHHH!

[Mrs. Behave flinches.]

Eliza: Tonight, I go to war, with the skeeter of your husband on my breast! AHHHHHHH!

Jerri LiEliza "The Jobber Slayer"

SW: Holy crap. Does that mean what I think it means? Eliza "The Sperm Dumpster"! BWAHAHAHA!

AS: It's good BOB keeps you doped with sex.

SW: No shit.

["Holy Wars" by Megadeth plays.]

NH: The following is a T&A match. Introducing first, making her BOB debut, she hails from Intercourse, Pennsylvania. This is Jerri Li!

AS: I wonder if she knows Homicidal Hank?

SW: Possibly. For such a small town, Intercourse sure has produced a high percentage of parody wrestlers. I know I'd love to explore Intercourse with her. Oh baby, did you see her bio?

AS: Of course I did. I have access to all sorts of documents my readers send to me. I even have your contract details.

SW: You what? Oh, forget that for now. She likes guys who cut her with broken mirrors. I'm so in. I'd gladly have seven years of bad luck for one good night with Jerri! Humina humina humina!

Scream-over: AHHHHHHHHH!

["The Devil Went Down to Georgia" plays. Eliza jumps out, followed shortly by the check-bouncer-in-chief, BigBOSS.]

BigBOSS

NH: And her opponent, being accompanied by BigBOSS, she hails from Atlanta, Georgia. This is Eliza "The Jobber Slayer."

AS: Thank you once again, Heidi. Folks, Willie Nelson knows 9/11 was an inside job. The phone companies are spying on you. The Neo-Cons want endless war. Stay up to date with all the elitist globalist scum plans by subscribing to steelcageplanet.tv. For just the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can support freedom and help me in my quest to end tyranny in this great republic! God bless America!

SW: OK, rant-boy. There are beautiful women in the ring. Chill out for a bit, will you?

AS: OK, Scotty. Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" has been getting some attention of late from…this man, BigBOSS, who is now joining us in the studio. Please welcome, Lord BigBOSS.

BigB: Wow, thanks for that great welcome, Alex. I may make this permanent.

SW: He was being sarcastic. Couldn't you tell?

BigB: Oh…how dare you, Alex!

AS: How do you sleep at night?

BigB: What's with all the John Lennon references?

AS: Accidental, though he had a lot of great ideas. He was onto you elitist scum.

BigB: Hate to break this to you, underling, but I'm not an elitist. I'm just stingy. I'm not trying to bring about the end of the world. I'm just trying to make money off all your work.

AS: Like any great fascist dictator. When are you getting the ovens? When do the mass roster extinctions begin. Your reaction?

BigB: I don't put people into ovens. I just fire them. Buying ovens would just add unnecessary expenses to my limited budget. Now, focus on the match or I'll fire you.

AS: Very well, Lord BigBOSS. Both ladies exchanging slaps right now.

SW: BigBOSS, what did Eliza mean about your "skeeter" being on her breast?

BigB: I don't know what you're talking about. Oh my, what a move their by Eliza.

AS: Yes, that was quite a clothesline by Eliza. But Jerri's smiling as she gets up. Jerri grabs Eliza. European uppercut.

SW: Dumbass, she's from Asia.

AS: Actually, she's from Intercourse.

SW: I love Intercourse.

AS: We all know. Regardless, the move is still a European uppercut. Eliza spears Jerri down. Slingshot legdrop, very nice by Eliza. One. Two. No. Eliza charges, Jerri's got her for a slam. One, two, no.

SW: Has Eliza ever tried out a naked Screamercanrana on you, BigBOSS?

BigB: Please, refer to me as Lord BigBOSS. And no comment.

SW: You're such a dirty whore, Lord BigBOSS.

AS: Jerri viciously choking Eliza here.

SW: Jerri's tough. I heard she uses a cactus for her dildo.

BigB: That's…really?

AS: You both disgust me. Jerri catapults Eliza into the ropes throat-first. One. Two. Eliza kicks out.

SW: Have no fear. I'm sure Eliza will go through Jerri here like a skate blade goes through a hockey player's th--

BigB: Please don't finish that sentence. Please.

SW: I'm sure that got Jerri all hot. She'd probably want a guy to do that to her.

AS: I sincerely hope not. This is a beautiful women. Why does she need to resort to such extreme sex?

SW: Because it's fun?

AS: It's not fun. You shouldn't need chains and whips and porcupines to have a good time.

SW: Porcupines?

AS: Ask Randall Mooby, if you ever see him again. I'm not getting into it.

BigB: C'mon, Ref!

SW: Oh, baby! Eliza's ripping away at Jerri's top! Yes!

AS: But Jerri kicks her back down. Hey, she's got chopsticks wrapped in barbed wire.

BigB: C'mon, Ref!

AS: Generic Ref is telling her to drop the chopsticks.

SW: Tell her to drop her pants while she's at it.

Jerri Li: If you want these chopsticks, you're gonna have to punch me in the face.

BigB: What? Oh no. This is getting too extreme for BOB now. We can't have man on woman violence.

SW: Does Generic Ref really count as a man? He's got moobs.

BigB: Moobs?

SW: You know, like Big Daddy V.

BigB: Generic Ref's aren't nearly as disgusting as that. At least they're covered up.

AS: Listen to this sick crowd, urging Generic Ref to hit a girl? This is the garbage you promote?

BigB: I don't promote this.

AS: Eliza with a dropkick to Jerri's face. And Jerri's angry. She comes up clawing at Eliza's face. Wow. Eliza desperately shoves her away and nails a clothesline. And another. And Jerri goes flying to the floor!

*THUD*

JL: Oh yeah! Do it again, you whore!

SW: She liked it!

AS: Jerri's back in the ring. And she's letting Eliza toss her over the top rope to the floor again! This is sick.

JL: Ohhh shit yeah!

AS: Here comes Eliza.

SW: And here cums Jerri.

AS: PlanchAHHHH by Eliza.

BigB: Is this match making anybody else uncomfortable?

SW: Hell no.

AS: Yes.

BigB: Right. Maybe I should interfere or something?

SW: I don't think that's going to be an issue.

BigB: Why?

SW: Your wife's in the ring.

BigB: Honey?

AS: Oh no! Was that…a Farewell to the Flesh? By YOUR wife?

BigB: *Gulp*

SW: Boy, Bobo's not going to like that. He copywrited that move in 1992, and now some little girl is ripping him off? You've got trouble, BigB.

AS: On more than one front. Mrs. Behave it out. Eliza's back in, and amazingly, Generic Ref didn't notice that interference. Jerri pulls up a limp Eliza. Tombstone coming up. And there it is. This one's all over. One. Two. Three. Jerri Li picks up an impressive, if tainted win.

SW: What would a chick match be without a little taint?

NH: Here is your winner, Jerri Li!

AS: Jerri's yelling for the microphone.

JL: Mrs. Behave, how dare you help me win my match! You whore. Get your unblemished ass out here so I can rip it to shreds.

Nikki Mantle

["Not A Pretty Girl" by Ani DiFranco plays.]

AS: Uh-oh. The T&A XX-Division Champion is here. Nikki Mantle.

BigB: I better go make sure Eliza's OK. See you underlings later.

[Nikki walks down and gets in the ring.]

SW: Is Nikki actually going to say something?

JL: What do you want? I don't have time to put a hurting on you. I don't have time to focus on silly things like the T&A Title. I've got a wife of the owner to destroy.

AS: Oh, jeez, Nikki just blasted Jerri in the face with the T&A belt! And Nikki gets a decent reaction from the crowd after that very heelish move.

SW: Hold on, Alex. Look at this! Jerri's up. And, oh man, she's gushing blood from her forehead. She's laughing! Oh, man, I definitely have a shot with this sick girl!

AS: Jerri with a tittie-twister on Nikki! I think that was just to piss her off. And Nikki blasts Jerri in the face again with the title! Good lord, this is sickening. Nikki just grabbed Jerri's blood and is wiping it on her title? Oh no! Jerri's biting Nikki's leg! Oh, somebody stop this! Now Nikki's kicking Jerri in the face repeatedly! Jerri tackles her! She's gushing blood right down onto Nikki's face.

SW: … Bitch is hardcore.

AS: Man, that's right out of "Fight Club." And truly, you don't know where Jerri's been. Yick. Please, let's go anywhere else.

SW: It could've been worse.

AS: Really?

SW: It could've been menstrual blood.

Mike MonroeViruz

[In the lobby of the Riviera, Mike Monroe was standing by with Viruz.]

MM: Viruz, you've got a…hold on. Excuse me.

[Mike heads away from Viruz and the camera follows.]

Viruz: Hey!

Misty Waters

MM: Misty. Misty Waters?

MW: Oh, hey, Mike. What's up?

MM: I'm confused. Did you just get here?

MW: Wow, you're perceptive. Did the bag I'm wheeling along here give it away? Tell me, what color is the sky?

MM: Um. Black?

MW: Oh. Well. Yeah. I guess at this time of day. Got me there!

[She starts walking toward the elevators.]

MM: Well, Misty, the reason I'm asking is, well…Trey was rather testy with me earlier. He claimed he was trying to…well…have sex with you.

MW: Um. What?

MM: Yeah. He fired Steve Leary over it.

MW: It wasn't me.

MM: Then who was he trying to…

MW: I don't know. But I'm going to find out.

ViruzTony SpaghettiraYneKurt AngelComa

NH: The following is a six-man tag team match!

["Twisted Transistor" by Korn plays. Viruz steps out by himself.]

NH: Introducing first. From Silicon Valley, this is Viruz. And his partners…Where are his partners?

[Viruz stops and turns around. He is, indeed, alone. Apparently news to him. Viruz heads back toward the entryway.]

AS: Can we get a camera back there?

SW: Where, up in Misty Waters' room? I'm all for that?

AS: No, Scotty, I'm referring to at the entryway.

[The scene cuts to the hallway outside the Ballroom. Tony Spaghetti and raYne are being brutalized by Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister.]

AS: Pain & Pleasure have struck.

SW: This attack makes me love Pain & Pleasure! Biggest. Faces. Ever!

AS: I'm sure that our government will prosecute P&P for a hate crime on this one, Scotty.

SW: Oh, just enjoy the moment. I don't care if raYne's a fag or not. He just sucks!

AS: Viruz coming out now. He takes one look and apparently is deciding that heading to the ring is a good idea at this point. Why are they so pissed off at the Hierarchy, Scotty?

SW: All I can tell our fans is, buy MegaBrawl and New Horizon, and you'll have your answer. And we'll have your money.

AS: Well, last month, Jean and the Big Sir must've been picked about being theoretical victors over raYne and Spaghetti, and tonight, they wanted to show who the better team is in reality. Even though they weren't booked to wrestle.

[Back to the Ballroom. Viruz is getting into the ring alone now.]

SW: Wow, this is going to be a good night. Viruz has to face three guys. He's screwed.

AS: The Hierarchy are being screwed over like all the patriots in the United States of America. The establishment lies, appoints their incompetent friends and looks at us all like pawns on a chessboard.

SW: They're not a faction, they're a movement. Granted, it's a bowel movement.

["I Don't Like The Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" by Marilyn Manson plays. Kurt Angel steps out backward and raises his arms in the air.]

NH: And his opponents? First, this is Kurt Angel. And his partners? Does HE have partners?

AS: Scotty, the time is getting close for me to let the cat out of the bag on one of the biggest conspiracies in BOB history.

SW: Really?

KA: Coma and Hallucination Boy couldn't join me tonight, because I grounded them. Not false, so not false. Here's why.

[The 2-Cheap-2-Own screen lights up. In a hotel room. Coma is listening to the Ramones on headphones and playing with some drumsticks. Kurt Angel walks into the shot holding a wooden box. Coma sees him and takes off his headphones.]

Coma: Narf?

KA: Is this yours?

Coma: Zort.

KA: Hallucination Boy said "Train!"

Coma: Why does all my funny dialogue end with a funny noise, splink!

KA: Splink what?

Coma: Hey, ho, it's not mine, whee!

KA: Where did you get it? Answer me. Who taught you how to do this stuff?

Coma: You, all right, poink? I learned it by watching you, narf!

Announcer: Tag team partners who use drugs, have tag team partners who do drugs. YOUR drugs.

[Fade to black.]

KA: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, does my stash and gets the right to be in a match. So tonight, I'm playing the part of three men and getting their paychecks. Not false, so not false. Viruz, prepare to injure me!

AS: It just gets crazier by the day here. We're having a six-man tag team match with only two people involved. All right. And here they go. Both men exchanging punches in the ring.

SW: Well, this one's already gone on longer than their match last month. Not that that's a good thing.

AS: Viruz going to the eyes like any good thug. But Angel responds with an overhead belly to belly suplex on Viruz. Angel charges right into a spear, though. Angel grabs Viruz's leg. Angel Lock? No. Viruz quickly grabs the ropes.

SW: I'm still hoping BOB will hire a "wife" for Kurt who used to be a stripper.

AS: Hopefully, that will never happen. Aren't there enough T&A girls you can ogle?

SW: There's always room for ogle.

AS: Angel with a backdrop on Viruz. Nice snap suplex by Kurt. Northern light suplex by Kurt gets a one. Two. Viruz kicks out. If Viruz and the Hierarchy want to win in this feud against the BOB establishment, they're going to have to win the infowar, Scotty. Half the battle is done in the ring, but the other half is done in the Rant Zone.

SW: Yeah. And we all know how important ranting is to your chances of success in a parody e-fed.

AS: BOB's establishment may have all the chairs and the weapons and the power, but the Hierarchy needs to convince the people that there needs to be a change to the imperialistic regime of BigBOSS and Trey Vincent, who have been utterly corrupted by power and money. Once the people realize the freedom they truly are lacking here, they'll wake up.

SW: Dude, plenty of newbies have cracked the glass ceiling here. You just need to be patient and prove yourself. You can't get the world handed to you in a month. I'm sure the Hierarchy would love to have BOB revolve around itself, but there are a ton of guys who have earned their spots.

AS: Viruz hits the spinebuster on Angel. And I'm sure Angel's gotta appreciate that, as he's no doubt looking for Viruz to seriously hurt him so he can get some more prescriptions and animal tranquilizers. Viruz with a nice reverse huricanrana.

*SMACK*

AS: Oh, what a kick to the neck by Viruz.

*SMACK*

AS: And there's another one to the back of the head by Viruz. And there's a neck snap. Springboard legdrop by Viruz. One. Two. No.

SW: Think Viruz has ever gained backdoor access on Axl?

AS: Aren't they brothers?

SW: They are? Dude. That's some fucked up shit right there.

AS: My sources tell me he was born Chester Van Halen. Chokebomb by Viruz. Viruz pulls up Angel. Implant DDT, no! Low blow kick by Angel. Angel's Wings connects. Cover. One. Two. No. I thought it was all over there, Scotty.

SW: We could only hope.

AS: Viruz being set up on top now. Angel with some hard shots to Viruz.

SW: If only Viruz had a fist blocker installed in his arsenal.

AS: Angel going for a top rope belly to belly. No. Viruz with some hard shots to Angel's head. Viruz has Angel. Fatal Error from the top rope! Oh man. One. Two. Three. Viruz with the win.

NH: Here are…is your winner? Viruz.

AS: Viruz picks up the victory for his MIA team, and Angel takes the loss for his. All right. Lots more to come here on Totally Dead, including the big Death vs. Jim "Totally Packaged" main event. Stay tuned.

SW: This isn't a radio show, diptard.

Little GoodBigBOSS

[In the lobby of the Riviera, Little Good arrived.]

BigBOSS: Little Good? What are you doing here?

LG: Bloody hell. I went to the rake crisis group. I'm bloody fine.

BigB: You're sure?

LG: Yeah. Has Trey talked to you about Soem Guy?

BigB: No. Why?

[There was a light, repeating thudding sound coming from behind Little Good.]

Kamikazie KenInsano Mano

[He turned around to see Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano each jamming the handle of a rake onto the floor and shaking their heads.]

LG: Are they really there? Or am I having a weird psychological post-rake flashback dream-type of thing?

BigB: Are who there?

LG: Right. Bugger. OK, I'll be back in a month.

[Little Good leaves.]

BigB: Oh, did you mean Ken and Mano? Yes, they're there. Little Good? Little Good?

[Ken and Mano wander away.]

BigB: What is Trey up to? I don't trust him.

Eliza "The Jobber Slayer"

Eliza: Ready to go, BigBOSSy?

BigB: *Ahem* Eliza! Hi! Cut that camera.

Eliza: Oopsie!

Dr. ThrillaMr. ParadoxPigeonPete "XFactor" Trable

[Back, Dr. Thrilla, Mr. Paradox, Pigeon and Pete Trable are all in the ring.]

NH: The following is a tag team match. Introducing first, from South Dakota. This is Mr. Paradox. And his partner, from, Tijuana, Mexico, Dr. Thrilla! And their opponents represent the Hieararchy. First, from the small apartment over the Bowlery. This is Pigeon. And his partner, from Fresno, California, XFactor Pete Trable.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!

AS: Trable sure is popular with this crowd.

SW: Aren't we supposed to say he's "controversial" or something lame like that?

AS: I don't spread BigBOSSes false propaganda. The viewers aren't deaf. We're ready for some more Brawlers On a Budget here. Make sure to check in on our Web site for our latest On-Demand events, including New Horizon and MegaBrawl. Alright. Pigeon just got tossed out.

SW: Hey, where's that Ben Joss guy? Isn't he supposed to be commentating for Hierarchy matches?

AS: I believe the government declared him an enemy combatant, and he's been shipped to Gitmo for some fun waterboarding.

SW: Usually I'm against torture. But in his case? I'm cool with it.

AS: Just wait til it's you, Scotty. First they come for the crappy announcers. Then they come for the less crappy announcers. Then, before you know it, they're COMING FOR YOU!

SW: Ahhh! The only naked pyramid I want to be in is with any combo of the divas on BOB's roster.

AS: Double hip toss on Trable. Here comes Paradox. Dropkick to Trable's face. And Thrilla with a running knee to Trable's skull. But here comes Pigeon. Pigeon and Paradox trading shots here. Clothesline by Pigeon. But a headscissors takes Pigeon out of the ring. Is it nice to have Paradox back, Scotty?

SW: Sword of. Get it?

AS: *Groan* Trable with a shoulderblock takes Thrilla down. Trable checking on Pigeon, but Thrilla from behind sends him out. Thrilla dives and takes out Pigeon.

SW: I wonder if we'll ever see Michelle again. I miss her.

AS: Well, Scotty, one thing I hope I'll never miss is my right to bear arms, which the mainstream media is trying to brainwash the masses into believing are evil because of one psycho who was hooked on drugs.

SW: Um-kay.

AS: Back inside now, Paradox and Thrilla take down Trable with a flapjack.

SW: I thought that was called a pancake.

AS: Well, they hit him with some sort of breakfast-themed offense move. And it only gets two.

SW: I could go for a couple of pancakes. I'm so hungry.

AS: Thrilla with a suplex on Trable. He drops the knee to the chest. One. Two. No. Now Trable trying to get back into this thing. Lariat connects.

SW: Why do you suppose Trable joined up with the Hierarchy? Think he's going to start doing some goth-rap?

AS: I hope to hell not.

SW: I can see it now. "Straight Outta Transylvania."

AS: Pigeon in now. Russian leg sweep on Thrilla. One. Two. Nope. Trable with a quick tag back in. Seated dropkick takes Thrilla back down. He drops an elbow. Quick tag to Pigeon. He drops a leg. One. Two. No, Thrilla is out again. Pigeon with a chinbreaker, but Pigeon just got the worst of that one.

SW: He's got metal in his chin. How is that gonna hurt him?

AS: Tag to Paradox. Dropkick takes Pigeon down. Oh, man, he's nailing Pigeon with some lethal punches, knees and kicks now. He's just brutalizing him, Scotty.

SW: Paradox makes Zorro look like a total pussy.

AS: What is this. Paradox has Pigeon by the legs. Slingshot into a clothesline by Thrilla and Pigeon comes down back first across Paradox's knees. And Thrilla with a high leg drop.

SW: I'm still confused, Alex. How did Thrilla and Paradox get signed? Isn't Trey in charge of everything?

AS: Somebody hired them. It'll be interesting to see who hired them. And why. They were unceremoniously fired by Trey Vincent back in 2007. And I'm sure Trey Vincent and the iAd are going to have to pay at some point. Paradox choking Pigeon now. Dropkick by Paradox. Tag. Thrilla setting up Pigeon up top. But Pigeon fighting back. Gordbuster! Pigeon needs to make the tag.

SW: The fans booing loudly, discouraging Pigeon from making the tag. Gotta love Sin City.

AS: Both men crawling. Tag to Paradox.

[Big pop.]

AS: Tag to Trable.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!

AS: Paradox is backdropped. Trable charges but runs right into an elbow. Paradox with a slam on Trable. Pigeon charges, but Paradox lowered the head too soon.

SW: Heidi has that problem a lot.

AS: Superkick by Pigeon. And Paradox is tossed to the floor. Trable climbing the ropes? Crossbody to the floor on Paradox and Thrilla. Pigeon grabs Paradox back into the ring. Here comes the Pigeon Drop. No. Crossface? Paradox with a crossface! Trable's back in. CD coming up. No, bulldog by Paradox. Nice reversal. But Trable rolls up Paradox from behind. One. Two. No.

SW: What the hell is this? Thrilla's got Trable. Oww! Powerbomb into the turnbuckles.

AS: Paradox has Pigeon. Reverse Backbreaker with a Spanish Twist…

NH: Here are your winners, Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla!

SW: Did we just get abducted by aliens? I have missing time.

AS: I don't believe in aliens. I believe aliens are a government conspiracy.

SW: I'm shocked.

AS: Well, Paradox and Thrilla won…somehow. Not sure. But I am sure that whoever wins the tag title match may have these two men in their future. OK. We'll be right back with more of "Totally Dead." Stay tuned.

Mike MonroeMisty WatersStylesTrey Vincent

[At Trey's room, Misty, Mike are about to knock on the door when Styles opens the door.]

Styles: Oh my GOD!

TV: What?

Styles: Uh, Trey? Misty is here. And so is Mike Monroe. And a camera.

MW: Are you cheating on me with Mikey you son of a bitch?

TV: Huh? No! Why?

MW: Mike told me you fired Leary earlier tonight.

TV: He deleted Photoshop off his computer! The idiot deserved it. Now I have to spend $80 on new software. We're on a BUDGET, Misty.

MM: What about you telling him that he cock blocked you?

TV: That never happened, quit making up shit.

MM: I could show you the tape.

MW: Who's Kyra? You think I didn't see that Rant? Is she in here, too? Where is the whore?

TV: She's a big fan of yours, by the way.

[Misty looks ready to kill Trey.]

TV: Not that that matters at all right now! Look. No, I'm not fucking Styles, just for the record.

Styles: I can't believe you thought we were...sick, sick people!

TV: Styles and I were just having a business meeting.

Styles: I just got here about 15 minutes ago.

MW: That really doesn't convince me of anything. All Trey would need is about three minutes.

TV: Hey! What I do is none of your fucking business, Misty. All right? Seriously. Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here. I'm not taking any more of your fucking attitude. For a porno queen, you're as cold as ice. I thought you were cool. I thought, hey, here's a girl who'll do some blow with me, get drunk and fuck me lots. But no, you don't live your gimmick like me. You want to talk? Dial 1-800-Crymeafuckingriver.

[Misty shoves her way out of the room.]

MM: I can't believe what I've just seen. You and Misty?

TV: Well, she has to go off and film her new flick, "The Humper." I had to write her out somehow.

MM: Oh. I know something is going on here tonight, though. You and Styles don't have business meetings. And I've never known you to kid about being denied sex. You know what I think?

TV: That I'll fire you if you tell me?

MM: … Back to you, Alex and Scotty.

AxlThe Great

NH: The following match is a street fight.

["I Am Evil" by Darc Soulz plays. Some boos for Axl as he steps out.]

NH: Introducing first. From Sinister City, Utah. He is accompanied to the ring tonight by Rose. This is Axl.

AS: Axl is taking on the BOB establishment, and it's about time somebody did.

SW: He's facing The Great, idiot. The Great's been here less time than Axl!

AS: The Great may be new to BOB, but he's already in it deep with Trey Vincent and the powers. They're grooming him to be a part of the establishment.

SW: They, who?

AS: Trey. BigBOSS. This is all a game to them. They find soldiers who will do their bidding from the shadows. Meanwhile, Axl offers a change from the old ways and is looking to take BOB into the next decade.

SW: Aw, fuck. We're still gonna be around in three years? Fine, Alex, what is the establishment's big objective?

AS: Money. Power. They want to run our lives. And I say…I KNOW! I KNOW! And I reject it!

SW: So, you think Axl is rejecting what Trey Vincent, BigBOSS and the rest of the bookers are trying to accomplish?

AS: Think about it. He threw down the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. He threw down the Swiss Army Belt. Rejecting the status quo. And the powers that be didn't like that. They want little bootlickers to say "ooh, thank you, Lord Vincent. Please, give me more! More! More!" They wanted Axl to conform. Well, now look at Axl.

SW: You don't think the BOB titles should be respected?

["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones plays.]

NH: And his opponent. From St. Louis, Missouri. This is The Great!

AS: Tony the Tiger's favorite wrestler is here.

SW: Wait, wait. I want you to answer my question. You don't think the BOB titles should be respected? Sure, they're made out of cheap cardboard and random junk, but--

AS: You're just a bootlicker, Scotty. Quit carrying their water. A new age is upon us. Their rules are draconian. And here we go. Punches flying fast and furious in the ring. Axl and The Great trading stiff punches.

SW: I'm sure Axl would rather be trading something else stiff with The Great.

AS: Axl is thrown to the floor. Remember, folks, there is no DQ in this one. Anything goes. Axl avoids The Great and is back in the ring. Great giving chase and…

SW: A headlock? This is a streetfight. Fight!

AS: Great powering his way up. Elbows. Kick. Twist of Great! No. Axl spins out. Kick. Sinister Slice! No! Great whips Axl into the ropes. Great charges and flies through the ropes but holds on.

SW: Holy crap. He just hiptossed Axl to the floor! Nice.

AS: Great targeting Axl's legs now. He's going for a Figure Eight around the Flimsy Guardrail®. I've never seen that before, Scotty.

SW: Well, that's because it looks retarded.

AS: And Generic Ref can't make Great break the hold. Axl may have to submit here. No, The Great just broke the move. I guess he's got some more in store for Axl. The Great going under the ring and he pulls out…

SW: Of course! A CRATE!

AS: Not just a crate, Scotty. A weapons-filled crate. The Great sliding those weapons into the ring. And now what's he pulling out. A rusty metal gate? And now he tosses Axl back inside.

SW: Good. Make him bleed like the bitch he wants to be. I can't believe he enjoys being the girl in his relationship.

AS: I agree with you on that, Scotty. Axl has the right idea for taking on the establishment. But he is a psychologist's dream. Angry Stomp by The Great on Axl. Great looking to prop up the gate in the corner and put some hurting on Axl. Lookout!

*BONK*

AS: Collection plate to the skull by Axl.

SW: A collection plate? Oh, The Great's gotta be going to hell for stealing that and using it in a street fight. Think he took the money, too?

AS: It wouldn't shock me with what BOB pays and what his wife spends. Now it looks like Axl's found a DVD.

SW: A DVD? That doesn't rhyme with Great.

AS: He just connected with a swing to The Great's face. And The Great tosses the DVD away.

SW: Hey, look. It's a DVD of "Blind Date Uncensored!" No wonder why the Great brought it in.

AS: Where are you going?

SW: You think I'm going to let such a masterful DVD as that go to waste?

AS: Well, fans, Scotty's going to collect the DVD. Now Axl is putting on a pair of roller skates. And Scotty grabs the DVD and is heading back over here. Axl trying to balance himself now. Don't tell me he doesn't know how to rollerskate. Why would he put those skates on? Axl charges. And loses his balance.

SW: Bwahahaha! Did you see that? Axl just fell flat on his face. Priceless.

AS: Great's back up. And now Axl is being locked in the tree of woe. Now where's The Great going?

SW: It looks like he's talking to somebody in the audience. Oh, dude. He's a chubby chaser? What's with this fat girl he's bringing into the ring.

AS: Oh no. Don't tell me.

SW: Oh, I think I get it. She's overweight.

AS: Right you are, Scotty. She's got to be at least 300 pounds.

SW: Why are the only chicks who like wrestling 300 pounds? Why can't some chicks with huge jugs and long legs be into this sport?

AS: The Great's got her set up in the corner opposite Axl. He Irish whips her into Axl!

SW: Wow. He's gotta hate getting so close to a girl. I hear Rose has such a big clit it might as well be a penis.

AS: Excuse me? Where did you hear that?

SW: I have sources, too, Alex. Mine just find out more interesting stuff.

AS: That's truly disturbing. Great thanking this young lady for her assistance. Rose trying to rip those skates off Axl now. Oh no!

SW: Oh yes! Ice skate! Axl's gonna BLEED! Hahaha!

AS: Rose has gotten Axl free.

SW: Axl's about to do his Richard Zednik impersonation.

AS: Oh, Scotty! That's horrible.

SW: Or maybe Axl will get his dream and Great will cut off his penis so he can become the woman he's always wanted to be!

AS: Rose just threw a rollerskate at The Great! And The Great's going after her! He's got her by the hair. Axl's up. Neckbreaker on The Great. Axl quickly pulling up the Great. Oh no!

*CRUNCH*

AS: Sinister leg sweep into the wooden crate! Axl putting it all on the line to win this huge match, as the winner here no doubt will be a top contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

SW: Yeah. I'm surprised Axl would risk getting a splinter in his ass. It'd put a huge crimp in his social life.

AS: Now Axl's got the ice skate. Oh no. He holds it up high, and the crowd booing him loudly. Great's back up. Scoop Slam 5! Axl gets behind him. Oh no! He's got the ice skate to The Great's throat! Low blow by the Great!

SW: That damn trick knee.

AS: Thanks, Brain. Great rips the ice skate out of Axl's hands. Swing and a miss. Inverted DDT by Axl. Cover. One. Two. Great kicks out. Axl looking for a weapon to inflict some more violence on The Great, but he can't find one. He picks up The Great and crotches him on the top rope. Axlgeri. Great is down. One! Two! Great kicks out!

SW: We need more weapons. What a lame street fight, neither of these guys have even bladed yet. Where's that damn ice skate.

AS: Axl just found a hand weight. Looks like a five-pounder. He's waiting on Great to get up. Axl swings and misses. Great's got Axl up. What is this?

SW: Whoa!

AS: Fireman's carry facebuster! I guess we'll call that a G5?

SW: Great's been studying Brock Lesnar's moveset, I see. Axl's gotta be done after that one.

AS: Was he in that version of the video game? One! Two! Axl's foot is on the ropes. Both men are exhausted, Scotty. They've absorbed a lot of punishment so far.

SW: Great needs to put this one away. Hey, where's Rose going?

AS: She must be going to get some reinforcements. This is no DQ. Great doesn't have any friends here in BOB that I know of. Nobody can stand his constant speaking in third-person.

SW: Annoying? I find it funny. Plus he rhymes. He should find a rhyming friend of some sort…

AS: Both men trading punches here, but they tank's just about empty. Twist of Great. No. Evil-lution onto the metal gate! Oh man! That should be it! Axl drags The Great to the middle of the ring and hooks both legs. One! Two! Three! NO! Great kicked out!

SW: No way! Look at how bent that gate is!

AS: Axl is screaming at Generic Ref. Axl shoves Generic Ref. Generic Ref shoves Axl! Axl shoves him again. Lou Thesz press! Generic Ref is all over Axl!

PigeonViruzPete "XFactor" Trable

SW: Hey, it's Pigeon!

AS: He's got The Great. Pigeon Drop! No! Twist of Great on Pigeon! Viruz is in. Twist of Great on Viruz! Oh, but Steve Roydz just damn near took his head off with that clothesline. The Hierarchy is out in full force now. There's Pete Trable. And he's got a home plate. Roydz holding The Great, who can't move.

*WHUMP*

SW: What the hell? The Great didn't move. Trable's aim is terrible.

AS: He just totally missed The Great and blasted Steve Roydz in the head with home plate. And Axl saw that. Axl shoves Trable.

SW: Maybe Pete's really drunk. He's got to be to be hanging out with the Hierarchy losers.

AS: CD! CD! CD! Compacted Disc on Axl!

[Pete gets a pop from the crowd for that.]

AS: Great drags up Axl. Twist of Great! Cover! One! Two! Three!

SW: Wow. Is Pete cool again finally? He hasn't been cool in like five years since he vanished from the Rant Zone. Remember when he was plunder for the Drudleyz?

AS: I don't get this. Why would Trable turn on Axl and the Hierarchy?

SW: Because they suck?

AS: Well fans, we're not going to find out on this show. Maybe there will be some explanation in the Rant Zone from The Great and Pete Trable this week. What a shocker. Stay tuned. We're on the march. The empire's on the run! Alex Smith fighting corruption in BOB!

Steve StudnutsMassive Man Rendition First

Swiss Army

Caption: Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Caption 2: Its Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

It's peanut butter jelly time!!!
Peanut butter jelly time!!!

Banana

Peanut butter jelly time!!!
Now where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?
Now there he go
There he go
There he go
There he go

[A shot of Massive Man bouncing his head.]

Peanut butter jelly

[A shot of Steve Studnuts flipping off some guy in the crowd.]

Peanut butter jelly

[A shot of Nurse Heidi repeatedly bending over to get out of the ring.]

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

[A shot of Steve Studnuts tapping a baseball bat into the palm of his hand.]

Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

[MMR1 with a headlock.]

now Where he at?

[Studnuts with a wristlock.]

Where he at?

[MMR1 with a headlock.]

Where he at?

[MMR1 with a crucifix pin.]

Where he at?

[MMR1 hits a crossbody.]

Now there he go

[Studnuts hits a bodyslam.]

There he go

[MMR1 hits a chinbreaker.]

There he go

[MMR1 hits a clothesline.]

There he go

[A shirtless Generic Ref dances.]

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly

[BigBOSS smashes his head onto a keyboard.]

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly

[Studnuts with a double eye poke.]

Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly

[MMR1 hits a bulldog.]

Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat
Its Peanut butter jelly

[Studnuts hits a superplex.]

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

[Studnuts hits the Jerkweed Driver.]

now break it down and freeze
take it down to your knees

[Massive Man is thrown to the floor.]

now lean back and squeeze

[MMR1 is whipped into the Flimsy Guardrail®.]

now get back up and scream
now Where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?

[Studnuts knocks over the guardrail. He hits the Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver on the Flimsy Guardrail®.]

Where he at?
NowThere he go
There he go
There he go
There he go

S

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly

T

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly

Panty Girl

Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat
Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

[MMR1 is hit in face with a baseball bat thrown by Studnuts.]

now sissy walk
sissy walk

[MMR1 is hit in face with a baseball bat thrown by Studnuts.]

sissy walk
sissy walk

U

now sissy walk
sissy walk

D

sissy walk
sissy walk
now Where he at?

N

Where he at?
Where he at?
Where he at?
Now there he go
There he go
There he go
There he go

Banana

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly

Red Hot Poker

Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly

Smurf

Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Smilies with Beer

Its Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat

Beavis

now walk walk walk walk
stomp stomp stomp stomp
slide slide slide slide

[More shirtless Generic Ref dancing.]

back it up one more time
now walk walk walk walk
stomp stomp stomp stomp

U

peanut butter jelly break it down

T

throw the ball up swing that bat

Stick Figure Fight

turn your head back and see where it at

S

throw the ball up swing that bat
turn you head back and see where it at

Kermit Style

palm beach peanut butter
dade county jelly
orlando peanut butter

White House

tallahasse jelly

[Studnuts covers MMR1, and shirtless Generic Ref makes the 1, 2, 3.]

[Studnuts holds up the Swiss Army Belt in victory.]

[Studnuts smashes a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly in MMR1's crotch.]

[MMR1 is hit in the face with a baseball bat thrown by Studnuts.]

[MMR1 is hit in the face with a baseball bat thrown by Studnuts.]

hold on hold on hold on hold on

Bart Simpson Moon

"hey chip man what time is it?"
"i don't know what time it is ray low"

[The dancing banana returns, now holding a sign that says "Jerkweed!"]

"it's peanut butter jelly time"

Swiss Army

Trey VincentJohn "Skeeter" SkeetDustbuster Boy

[The writer's room.]

TV: Skeeter, was that your idea?

[Skeeter is asleep.]

TV: Skeeter!

[Skeeter keeps snoring.]

TV: (Singing) It's Skeeter's getting fired time, Skeeter's getting fired time. Skeeter's getting fired time--

[Dustbuster Boy enters the room.]

DB: Hey, Trey!

TV: You're fired, too!

DB: For what?

TV: For, EVER!

DB: Oh yeah? Well, you're a below-average WRESTLER!

TV: You bastard! You better be out of here before I get back from my match, or so help me I'll have you arrested.

[Dustuster waits until Trey is far enough away.]

DB: Well, I didn't want this stupid job anyway. And oh yeah. I fucked Michelle while you were in your Coma! Heh.

Kevin the Pyromaniac Trey VincentDr. Silaconne M. PlantsLuke Warm

[Back to the Ballroom.]

SW: Wow, did Trey just fire somebody else?

AS: Something big is going on here tonight, Scotty. And just so we're clear folks, Steve Studnuts won the Swiss Army Belt.

SW: Yeah. Congratulations to my buddy, Steve Studnuts. But damn him for getting that song stuck in my head!

NH: The following match is for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Titles!

["Enter Kevin" by Vietallica hits. He gets some cheers and boos.]

NH: Introducing first. From Stinking Bay, Arkansas, he's one-half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions, this is Kevin the Pyromaniac.

[Kevin stumbles out.]

SW: I met Kevin's ex-girlfriend the other day.

AS: Oh yeah? How is she.

SW: Not too good. Apparently Kevin liked to go down in flames. It brought new meaning to the term "burning bush."

AS: That's horrible, Scotty.

SW: I think Kevin still carries a torch for her…

["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver plays next. Big pop, then more boos.]

NH: And his partner, from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is the other half of the NGETFA Tag Team Champions. This is The Vice President In Charge of Everything, Trey Vincent.

[Trey steps out and walks down the aisle.]

AS: Quite the odd couple here. Didn't Trey steal Kevin's identity a while back?

SW: He sure did. Kevin T. Pyromaniac. Kevin's credit score will never be the same again.

["Smooth Operator" by Sade hits. The crowd responds with a mix of cheers and boos. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants steps out and soaks up the reaction before heading to the ring.]

AS: The crowd sure is split here tonight.

SW: It would help if we could figure out who the heels and faces are.

NH: And the challengers. First, from Naples, Italy. This is Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!

SW: Man, SMP is so great. I can't wait until he finally gets the tag titles.

AS: He'll have to get along with his tag team partner for that to happen.

[Dramatic pause of silence, waiting for it…]

[Sounds of stuff breaking fill the ballroom. Decent pop. Decent pop? The hell? Do I hear boos? What is going on here?]

NH: And his partner. From Bumbeldink, Texas, Luke Warm!

AS: Wow, I never thought I'd hear this little, and dare I say, negative reaction for Luke Warm.

SW: Yeah. With what BigBOSS is paying this guy, this ain't good, Alex. It's gonna be a rough year.

AS: It may very well be. Well, we were supposed to have this match last month, but this month, we're definitely going to have this feud settled.

SW: Feud? Generous, much? Why are these guys feuding?

AS: It's about the tag titles. Luke Warm challenged the champs.

SW: Wow. Fascinating television.

AS: At least our tag champions actually appear on our shows, unlike the WWE. We've got three great competitors in that ring, and Kevin the Pyromaniac.

[The lights suddenly go out.]

SW: Definitely, huh?

AS: This isn't on the format.

xxx

["Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)" by Jonas Brothers hits.]

AS: Uh-oh.

SW: Uh-oh what? What's this?

AS: We're supposed to have a tag team match, but instead, we've got Kid Pirate, Scotty. Five-feet-three inches and 153 pounds of pirate destruction is on his way out here.

SW: Did Bizarro World just overlap with ours? He's a cruiserweight. They're all heavyweights, aside from Kevin. Cruiserweights don't interrupt matches filled with heavyweights for important titles!

[Kid Pirate goes to center ring, raises his hands in the air, as Pretty Boy (his parrot) extends its wings. Suddenly, he throws his hands down and the lights come up. Pretty Boy flaps its wings.]

AS: Kevin charges at Kid Pirate. Pirate's got him by the throat!

KP: Yo ho ho!

*SMASH*

AS: Kevin gets a bottle of rum smashed over his head. Trey charges at Kid Pirate. Goozle!

KP: Yo ho ho! Yo ho ho!

*SMASH*

*SMASH*

AS: A bottle of rum is smashed over Trey's head, and Kevin's head. Here comes Plants. Another goozle.

KP: Yo ho ho!

*SMASH*

SW: Plants is down? What the hell? This Pirate is unstoppable.

AS: But here comes Luke Warm. No way. Pirate has Luke Warm by the throat.

KP: Yo ho ho!

*SMASH*

AS: Luke Warm is down.

SW: Man, you could use this segment to update Luke Warm's entrance noise. Stuff is breaking here all over everybody.

AS: Kid Pirate?

PB: Rark!

SW: Now what is he doing?

AS: Pirate bouncing off the ropes. Oh, wow, peg leg to the crotch.

KP: Yarrr, it be the Black Pearl, ye swine!

AS: OK, then. Kid Pirate just landing the most painful move in sports entertainment today, the Black Pearl.

SW: Kevin's gonna have splinters in his balls.

AS: Not again. Black Pearl to Plants. And there's a Black Pearl to Luke Warm. Only one man left. He's off the ropes again. Trey just rolled out, and the crowd doesn't like that one bit.

SW: Brilliant. Trey's taking his tag titles and going, well, backstage.

AS: Well…another month, another non-decision. Will we EVER be able to get a clean finish with Trey Vincent?

SW: It's not looking good, Alex.

AS: Kid Pirate just put the entire roster on notice. We'll be right back after these messages.

Jim "Totally Packaged"Death

["Regeneration X" by Mark Rushton plays.]

SW: Styles?

Styles: Hello Scotty, Alex. Good to be joining you tonight finally.

SW: I thought you said he had autism. Do you have autism, Styles?

Styles: Does it look like I have autism?

AS: Styles, I've gotta tell you, I find it highly suspicious that you're cavorting with a man who is tantamount to a dictator in this promotion. And now you suddenly show up just in time for the main event.

Styles: You and your silly conspiracy theories.

AS: It's not silly. I'm exposing corruption, Styles. And I can smell the stench of corruption all over you. I can smell it like a fart in a car. Some day, we're gonna stand up, and we're gonna be human beings. We're going to get fired up about the real things, the things that matter! Creativity, and the dynamic human spirit that refuses to submit.

SW: And huge tits!

AS: You both make we wanna PUKE!

Soem Guy In A Mask

SW: Hey! Jim's being attacked. By Soem Guy In A Mask!

AS: What the hell is this? Another false flag terror attack? I'm onto you, Vincent! I'm onto you!

Styles: Soem Guy DDTs Jim on the floor! Oh my GOD! Now he's choking out Jim with his own Regeneration-X T-shirt.

SW: He's gonna have to be regenerated again if he turns any more purple.

AS: The elite don't care about entertaining you. They just want to suck you dry of all your money. Wake up, sheeple!

Styles: I highly doubt BigBOSS planned on, of all people, Soem Guy In A Mask ruining his main event.

AS: Some Guy must be mad that just a couple months back, Jim was pinned by Some Guy, and now Jim's getting an ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS shot.

Styles: Insano Mano is over here talking with Nurse Heidi. Now there's a conversation from hell for Heidi.

IM: Debajo del estatuto del coco v. Whipwreck de 1995, el individuo de Soem en una máscara ahora va a hacer frente a la muerte para el ÚNICO TÍTULO del MUNDO QUE IMPORTA.

NH: Ladies and gentlemen…Insano Mano has just informed me that, under the Sandman v. Whipwreck statute of 1995, Soem Guy In A Mask is now going to face Death for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

SW: Styles?

Styles: What?

AS: For the love of…back in the old Extreme Championship Wrestling, a match was scheduled between Sandman and Mikey Whipwreck, before Steve Austin interfered and caned the tar out of Sandman and took his spot in the match. Do your video watching, Styles.

SW: Why didn't you know that, Styles? You were there.

Styles: That was Joey! And my old roommate taped over that event with him trying to light his own farts. And he damn near burned down our apartment!

NH: So…introducing first, the challenger. From Soemwhere, weighing soemthing, this is Soem Guy In a Mask!

Styles: What a shocking turn of events here tonight.

AS: Don't give me that crap, sir. You very well knew what was going to happen. And you probably know what's going to happen next.

Styles: Death's going to come out.

AS: Are you a member of the Council On Foreign Objects?

["I Am The Champion" by Death & the Deathtones plays next.]

NH: And his opponent. From the Netherworld. He is accompanied to the ring by Katie Death, he is THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, this is Death!

SW: Jim is still out. Has Soem Guy been his mystery attacker all these months?

Styles: I'm not sure. I can't remember if they resolved that in a Rant or not. I'll have to check on that and get back to you.

SW: Well, Jim's easily knock-outable.

AS: Scotty, he got DDTed on the floor. Would you like me to DDT you on the floor and see how you're doing?

SW: You? Hell no. You'd probably paralyze me.

Styles: Death had prepared for Jim. This has got to be quite an unexpected turn for the champion.

SW: Please. Soem Guy is like two feet shorter than Death. Look at our champion towering over this midget.

Styles: You have a thing for masked midgets, do you?

SW: Alex, DDT him!

AS: I've got a job to do. Folks, there are nothing but liars here in BOB. They're conspiring amongst themselves at the highest levels to keep their power. I don't know what's going on here, but it stinks like a drunken vomit-soaked Trey Vincent in the morning.

Styles: We're ready to get this title match underway. And there goes Soem Guy on the offensive. Tornado DDT takes down the champion. Death rolls out of the ring. He wasn't expecting such a quick assault. Incoming! Some Guy sends Death crashing into the Flimsy Guardrail®!

AS: Katie and you have a lot in common, Scotty. You're both zombies. Wake up and smell the carcass.

SW: I'm sure she still smells better than Paris Hilton after a night of partying.

AS: Well, you've got me there.

Styles: Soem Guy just ramming Death repeatedly into the guardrail.

SW: I always wondered if a Death rattle was a real thing. I think I just heard it.

Styles: Soem Guy taking this match back inside. There's a clothesline by the champion. The fans are just watching this without reacting. They sense something bad is going on.

SW: It's a BOB main event. That usual spells disaster for our fans.

Styles: Death rams an elbow into the side of Soem Guy's head. Sideslam! Cover! One! Two and no! Death drops the elbow on Soem Guy. One, two and no. The masked challenger kicks out again.

SW: And here come the restholds. Ugh.

Styles: Death has that painful chinlock cinched in. Wow, Soem Guy with some amazing overhead kicks right to Death's skull. Sunset flip? Death sits down. One. Two and no!

AS: What a disaster for our company. Our champion is a member of a secret, occult group that refers to outsiders as barbarians and steals skulls of Apache chief Geronimo. Stolen, by none other than, former Bonesman Prescott Bush, George Bush's grandfather who, oh-by-the-way, was a war profiteer who aided the Nazis during World War II, as reported by the New York Times. Not a conspiracy, folks! But I'M the crazy one, right?

Styles: Death brutalizing Soem Guy in the corner. And now that bony foot choking Soem Guy, who may be regretting inserting himself into this match. Death breaks the choke just before five. Some Guy up to the second rope. Hoodanconrana takes Death down!

SW: Masked midgets are terrible for business. Just ask Rey Mysterio.

Styles: There's a kick. Another kick. And another kick takes Death down. One! Two! No!

Trey Vincent

[Trey Vincent walks out, getting cheered loudly.]

Styles: NOW what?

AS: Death slams Soem Guy down.

Styles: Death is climbing the ropes? Soem Guy is up. And down goes Death from that superplex. One! Two! No!

Trey Vincent: Give me those, Alex. What the hell is going on here, Styles?

Styles: I don't know!

TV: My buddy Death is not getting screwed. I know this masked little idiot has been stalking me. Now he wants to hurt my best friend in the world? Fuck that.

SW: I thought Studnuts was your best friend in the world.

TV: Oh, right. Death is my SECOND best friend.

SW: Wait, what about Seth Harker?

TV: Hmm. Good point. Alright, Death is my third best friend in the world. Unless you can think of somebody I forgot, Scotty?

Styles: Death caught Soem Guy. Death turns it into a suplex. Very nicely done.

TV: You're the man, Death!

AS: Give me that microphone. I know what's going on here.

SW: Whoa! Trey just knocked out Alex Smith! Thanks!

TV: No problem, Scotty. That guy just annoys me, always figuring stuff out and telling people. What a snitch. I hate snitches.

SW: You know what snitch rhymes with? Bitch! That's what Alex is.

TV: Yeah, my bitch. Death is going to be champion for a long time. His money is very good in my pockets. I need to drink. This job is very stressful, especially with little scrubs like Masky Mask trying to ruin my perfectly booked events.

SW: Yeah. Michelle's shows were crap.

TV: Yep. As Jane Fonda would say, Michelle's a cunt.

SW: Jane Fonda would say that?

TV: I'm sure she would. Just ask that old chick on "Today." Hey, you ever see "Barbarella." Damn, that had to be one of the first things I ever jerked off to back in the day.

Styles: Way too much info there, Mr. Vincent. Guy with a dropkick, but Death barely moves.

TV: Yeah. No-sell that scrub's moves! See why I love this guy? Aw shit, what was that? Double leg takedown? Sharpshooter? Uh oh.

Styles: Can he turn Death? No! Death powers him away. Some Guy runs right into another sidewalk slam. COVER! One! Two! NO! Death arguing with Generic Ref over what he thought was a slow count.

TV: Look out!

Styles: Hoodanconrana! No! NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB by Death! This one is OVER!

TV: Yes!

Styles: COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! NO!? Soem Guy kicked out? SOEM GUY KICKED OUT!

TV: I heard you the first time!

SW: Quit pissing off the boss, Styles.

TV: That'll never happen. Every time I see his stupid glasses and his stupid Salvation Army ties, I just wanna punch his stupid face in!

SW: You've got some anger issues.

TV: I know!

Styles: Both men exchanging punches, but Soem Guy's getting the better of it. Elbows, punches, kicks, Death is down! Oh my GOD! Leg sweep and Death is on the middle rope. He's dialing it up. Here comes the 555! COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Death grabs the rope!

TV: Hey, it's Jim! Jim's coming out. He can't be here.

SW: Isn't this supposed to be Jim vs. Death? I could've sworn that's what the banner ad said…

Styles: Well, it looks like Trey's going to stop Jim from getting in the ring. He wants the title match he earned by beating Axl last month. Jim's in the ring, Trey's in the ring. Generic Ref is physically removing Jim from the ring now. What the?

SW: WHAT?

Styles: Trey just grabbed Death! COMING DOWN! OH MY GOD! The fans can't believe it! What is this? He just put Some Guy on top of Death. Generic Ref's back in. No! No! No!

SW: We have a new champion? The fuck? Why would Trey turn on his third best friend in the whole world?

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner of the match. And NEW, Brawlers On a Budget ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS…

[Trey steals the mic from Heidi and heads into the ring.]

SW: This is unbelievable.

[Soem Guy in A Mask takes off his mask.]

Sarah "The Jobber Slayer"

SW: Yes! I'm not a homo! Hahaha! I knew I wasn't.

Styles: No. Nonononononono! Sarah?

TV: Sarah is Project 469, The Fall Of Man.

Styles: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" was Soem Guy In A Mask?

AS: But why are you so shocked, Styles. You were in on it from the start.

SW: You were? You fucker! How dare anybody pretend that I'm gay when I knew on some level that that was a chick with a hot ass, not a dude with a hot ass!

Sarah: In 2006, BigBOSS made the biggest mistake of his life. He decided to make Dimension Z, starring Sir Zeno, Mr. Paradox, Queen Mylisiv and Dr. Thrilla the focus of this company. So, under the illusion of stopping male vs. female violence, he stripped me of this title, and then ran me out of this company with a "knee injury" when I complained about it. Well guess what, BigBOSS. I'm back.

Sarah: And don't think they're the only ones to blame. They're not. You see, there's a guy by the name of Steve Studnuts who didn't like having a woman be a champion here. Steve, I've done more for BOB than anybody in the history of this company. I was never beaten for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And I will NEVER be beaten for this title belt. Especially, not now.

[She drops the mic. Trey grabs her. They kiss!]

SW: Holy crap! Trey Vincent has realized one of his lifelong dreams.

Styles: What, getting together with Sarah, the dream girl of his life?

SW: No! He's gonna bang sisters! SISTERS Styles! Oh, GOD, Trey rules!

Styles: What a shocking end to Totally Dead here in Sin City. Fans. Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION is coming to G5 TV soon. Check our Web site for more information. Good night everybody!


©2008 BOB Wrestling! Lindsay Lohan wasn't backstage at our show, but enjoy some pix of her anyway!

 

© BOB Wrestling!

Brawlers On a Budget is an online fantasy parody wrestling sports entertainment federation (or e-fed) designed to be somewhat funny.

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