["Metal Storm/Face the Slayer" by Slayer plays as the camera pans an apathetic crowd in the BOB Ballroom in Sin City. The camera zooms in to reveal that several people in the front row…actually ALL of them, are wearing VIP tags around their necks. Oh, come on. What kind of shitty promotion gives away seats to VIPs instead of their fans? We've got more VIPs than a live episode of "Impact!"]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget. Welcome to Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION!
Scotty Whatbody: Guaranteed to be the biggest wrestling disaster on television today, or your money back.
[The crowd cheers.]
Styles: And BOB's ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," has just entered the Ballroom, followed closely by Trey Vincent, BOB's Vice President in Charge of Everything, who is also one-half of the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone tag team champions. I'm Mikey Styles, along with Mr. T&A himself, Scotty Whatbody.
SW: In honor of our debut on G5TV, Styles, I made sure to find five lucky women's g-spots.
Styles: Oh yeah? How much did you have to pay them?
SW: Please, Styles. I majored in whoreticulture in college. Those girls loved it. Speaking of g-spots, man would I love to look for Sarah's. Woohoo!
Styles: We may be on cable, but you sure haven't cleaned up your act. Fans, we are on the road to…an event that has yet to be named. And no doubt, these two will play a huge part in it.
SW: Yep. Trey's VP In Charge of Everything. And she runs his life. I tell you, Styles, women are nothing but tits, asses, vaginas and trouble!
Styles: Sarah swerved us all, revealing at our last BOB-On-Demand event that SHE was none other than Soem Guy In A Mask. She assaulted Jim "Totally Packaged" before the match, stole his spot in the main event ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS match, and then defeated Death in a brutal, classic, main event.
Sarah: If bitch is the new black, then I am an African queen.
SW: Holy crap!
Sarah: Well, I'm back in bitch! Yes I'm back in bitch!
Styles: What does that even mean?
SW: Come on! AC/DC? Back in BLACK? Duh. She's a bitch magic woman, Styles.
Styles: She's white!
SW: Settle down, Imus.
Sarah: Most importantly, I am the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, FOR THE SECOND…*ahem* Sorry, didn't mean to keep yelling there. For the second time. And I'm feeling so happy about it…I might actually smile. Trey? Where's Mano?
[Trey gets down on his knees and bangs on the mat.]
TV: Mano! Geto youro asso upo here-o!
SW: I didn't know Trey was fluent in Spanish!
[Mano rolls out from under the ring.]
Sarah: Mano. Make me smile.
Sarah: Oh, right. Trey, pull up Babelfish on your cell and translate for me.
TV: Right. (He pulls out his cell phone.) Mano! Hágame la sonrisa.
[Mano reaches for Trey.]
TV: No-o! Her-o! (Trey points at Sarah.)
IM: *Mumbling* Americano poopooheado.
[Mano grabs the corners of Sarah's lips and produces a smile on Sarah's face. Sarah recoils after a second.]
Sarah: Jesus, what have you been eating? No more onions for you!
Styles: She's hired Mano to make her facial expressions? This is the height of…not laziness…decadence?
SW: Mano is almost as good as illegal immigrant workers. BigBOSS pays him about the same.
Sarah: Anyway. Sin City, you all suck, and I can't wait until wherever our next big BOB-On-Demand event is so I can make a slightly bigger payday. Until then…I really don't have much else to say. Except to Jim. (Chuckling) Jim, you got totally screwed. And Death? Trey's just played you like the idiot you are since he got back in charge. Next time I see you, I'll break off that finger you threatened me with, and I'll shove it where there should be an ass.
Sarah: I am the real deal. Check out these boots! $29.95! Look at Mano's boots! It looks like you stitched together a rug. I'd be embarrassed to be dressed like that! What are you, a human Photoshop experiment?
["Taking Care of Business" by BTO hits. The crowd boos.]
Styles: BigBOSS has arrived.
SW: And so has Eliza! Those two are just joined at the--
SW: That wasn't the body part I was thinking of.
Crowd: You duck! You duck! You duck!
SW: I think our crowd had a verbal typo.
BigB: Quack quack?
[The crowd stops chanting.]
BigB: Thank you for that odd welcome. Well, Trey and Sarah. Back in 2002 when the two of you both came on the scene, I should've known this would eventually happen. Any two people who have as much hate for each other at the start usually end up in a hate-filled relationship.
Sarah: Oh yeah? How is Mrs. Behave?
BigB: Please, please, let's not turn this into "The Maury Show." I don't have enough budget for that many bleeps. I've got to know, though, Sarah. Why are you with Trey?
Sarah: Why? Because, I finally realized that Trey Vincent was the only man who actually cared about me. Sure, he's got the maturity of a 12-year-old, but he found me sexy. He saw me punching and kicking and doing all things sports entertainment. It drove him wild. And sure, he did some things to me, but seriously, if you couldn't be with the woman you wanted to be with, wouldn't you do some questionable things. Or should I ask Eliza that question?
Eliza: I HATE YOU SARAAHHHHHHHH!
Sarah: Believe me, it's mutual.
BigB: Fine. So, you think Trey loves you, and everybody else is out to screw you. I get that, I guess. Trey? Is it true? Do you really love Sarah?
TV: Oh, come on, man! I'm a heel! I can't be pronouncing my love for a chick on our first episode! I'll look like a pussy!
Sarah: You better!
TV: I love you!
Sarah: Good boy.
TV: Shut up!
BigB: Well, fine. You two certainly had your fun. Sarah, you paraded around as a masked luchadore. I wondered why your contract was classified. I thought you were in the witness protection program or something. But, the both of you seem to have forgotten something. You may run every aspect of BOB, but I'm still the BigBOSS. And if I'm not mistaken, a couple of years ago, I made a ruling about THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Let me refresh your memory.
[BigBOSS pulls out a piece of paper.]
BigB: Ice cubes. Whipped cream. Chocolate sauce. Bananas. Cucumbers. Apple pie.
Eliza: Pssst! Other side, BOSSy.
BigB: Oh, right. (He turns the paper over.) *Ahem* From now on, BOB will no longer condone male versus female violence! There will be no boys versus girls matches. And, stop me if this is all déjà vu for you, too. As a result of that, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," our ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, is hereby stripped of her title.
TV: Here's the thing about that, Stewie. Let me refresh your memory about a little event called MEGABRAWL. Do you remember a match of Kay Fabe vs. Massive Man Rendition First? Who allowed THAT match to happen?
TV: Aren't you the BigBOSS though?
TV: Well, then, you allowed that match to happen.
BigB: But she was possessed by the spirit of Chris Benoit. It wasn't like she was even really a girl at the time!
TV: Come on. You expect us to believe that? Next thing, you'll be telling us that our check's won't bounce this month.
BigB: They won't!
BigB: Well, fine. I guess you got me on a technicality. But, as you reminded me, I am the BigBOSS. And, Sarah, you think you're above everybody else on this roster, don't you?
Sarah: Way, waaaaayyyyy above, buddy.
BigB: That's terrific. You want to beat every other man on the roster? I can make that happen. Starting today, actually. You see, we've got a BOB-On-Demand event coming up in (BigBOSS puts a hand over his lips and mumbles something). And I was talking to LilBOSS the other day…
BigB: And he mentioned how he was watching this little basketball tournament called March something-or-other. And I got to thinking, we haven't had a good tournament in BOB in such a long time. Why don't we have one.
TV: March Mayhem? We had that last year, idiot!
BigB: Did we?
TV: Sort of. I remember a couple Ted rants about them or something…
BigB: Well, anyway, I still want to do it this year. But since we can't afford to have 64 wrestlers this year, we're going to have 32.
Sarah: Great. So, the winner gets a shot at my title at the BOB-On-Demand? Great.
BigB: Oh yes. If you're still the champion. You see, you're going to be IN the tournament.
[The crowd cheers.]
BigB: As a matter of fact, so are you Trey. And so will Steve Studnuts and Kevin the Pyromaniac. All the BOB champions, aside from the T&A XX Division champion, will be in the tournament. And every title will be on the line in every match. And at UnFOURgiven, our next BOB-On-Demand, which I just figured out the name of last night, every title will be on the line.
TV: Didn't TNA just do this a year ago?
BigB: What's TNA?
TV: Eh, don't ask.
BigB: No, this is a totally unique idea. You see. The winner of the pinfall in that match wins every title. It doesn't matter if the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION beats the Swiss Army Belt holder, that person gets every titles. If one of the tag champs pins the person with the Swiss Army Belt, that person gets all the titles. Heck, it doesn't matter if one tag champ pins the other tag champion. You will be a BOB Grand Slam champion in one night.
Sarah: I hope the WWE sues you for ripping off their pay-per-view name.
BigB: Well, that's not nice. Gee, I noticed you weren't doing anything tonight, Sarah. Since you look like you're in the mood for a fight, how about you fight Eliza, tonight, in THAT very ring. In a steel cage match!
TV: Damnit, BigBOSS, quit talking to LilBOSS!
Sarah: Relax, Trey. All right, BigBOSS. But after I get through with Eliza, you're gonna be so horrified with the damage I do to her that you'll probably go running back to that wife of yours. Just remember, bitch is the new black, and woman is the nigger of the world.
BigB: Sarah, I'm not crazy about that catchphrase. I already had to suspend Pete Trable over use of the n-word. And I highly doubt G5TV will want to deal with the complaints. So, also, please come up with a new one. Thanks.
Sarah: No. I've got the power. I've got the gold. You've got nothing. Except whatever STDs Eliza's carrying around.
BigB: Fine. Then, if you win the cage match, you can keep your horribly offensive catchphrase. If Eliza wins, you need to come up with a new one.
Sarah: Fine. Because there's no way that pasty bitch is gonna beat me. Now, Trey, as we head to commercial, why don't you jam your tongue down my throat and make everybody really uncomfortable.
TV: Yes, ma'am!
[Trey and Sarah tongue wrestle as we head to commercial.]
Caption: Earlier today.
[Inside a stall of a public restroom, Axl was sitting on the toilet, grunting.]
Axl: Man, that black pasta is going right through me. Why do my intestines hate me? God!
[The sound of the bathroom door opening. "The Imperial March" begins playing. Axl notices a pair of black boots and a long cape at the bottom of his stall door. There are also some odd breathing sounds outside his stall. He sees a black shiny mask peeking in through the crack in the door.]
Axl: Um, occupied.
[After a few seconds, Axl saw the black shiny mask peeking through the crack of his stall door. Then, thankfully, there was a flush in the stall to the right of Axl's. Whoever was in there left and the guy with the black boots, cape and breathing problem headed in there.]
*Tap tap tap*
*Tap tap tap*
Voice: I find my lack of fiber disturbing.
*Tap tap tap*
[Axl, finally finished with his business, suddenly realized there was no toilet paper. He swiped his hand under the stall divider with the palm of his hand facing upward, hoping to grab the guy's attention. After a few moments, a dark glove with a police ID was shoved under the partition.]
Axl: Oh, man. I HAVE A WIDE STANCE! I'M NOT GAY! I just want some toilet paper, man.
Voice: Kidding. Just kidding.
Axl: Do you have any toilet paper or not?
Voice: Yes, yes.
[After Axl finished his business, he flushed and stepped out of the stall and came face to face with…]
Man In Darth Vader Costume: I am Garth Vader. Axl, you can become the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. I have foreseen it. It is your destiny. Join me, and together we will rule Brawlers On a Budget. Come with me. It is the only way.
Garth Vader: Come to the Heel Side. If only you knew the power of the Heel Side.
Axl: Seriously, I'm not gay. So quit trying to pick me up. And "Star Wars" was lame.
[Garth Vader holds up his left hand. Axl grabs at his throat, making choking noises. Garth drops his hand after a few seconds.]
GV: Would you like to play with my lightsaber?
Axl: Hell yeah.
[Garth reaches behind his cape and pulls out a lightsaber. It lights up red after a second.]
Axl: Oh, is that what you meant?
GV: I thought you said you weren't gay?
Axl: I'm not! So why do you have such an interest in helping me? What do you want?
GV: I want to bring Trey Vincent to his knees. I'm sure you can relate to this vision of mine.
Axl: I sure can! Fine. What do I need to do.
GV: Give yourself to the Heel Side. It is the only way you can save your friends in the Hierarchy from mid-card hell. We start immediately. And we'll continue exclusively on iMPLOSION right here on G5TV every week until I have, and you have, exactly what you want.
[We head to the ring, where Nurse Heidi is standing with a microphone, looking as lovely as ever while showing tons of cleavage and lots of leg in her nurse's uniform.]
Styles: Damn, Heidi looks good.
SW: Wow. I think that's the first time I've seen a slit in the front of a minidress. And speaking of slits, I'd love to see hers!
Nurse Heidi: Ladies and gentlemen, this opening contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a Beer In The Belly qualifying match!
["X Gonna Give it To Ya" by DMX plays.]
NH: Introducing first. From Fresno, California. He weighs 275 pounds. This is "XFactor" Pete Trable!
Styles: What can you tell our new viewers on G5 about Trable, Scotty?
SW: Hmm. Well, he's been around for a few years. Hasn't done much. He raps. Usually much better in his Rants for some reason. Oh, and he was a prop for the Drudley Boyz. Remember that? "D-Van! Get the Trable!"
Styles: Yep. I'm sure Pete would like to forget that dark chapter of his life where he was plunder.
SW: Well, he won over myself, and a lot of these Sin City fans at Totally Dead in February when he attacked Axl and cost him a match against The Great in a street fight. That was, well, GREAT!
Styles: We still don't exactly know the relationship between Pete Trable and The Great. Maybe we'll find out now, Pete's about to drop some knowledge.
PT: Nigga nigga nigga nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga--
[Heidi rips the microphone away from Pete.]
SW: Wow, what an eloquent explanation of why he's voting for Barack HUSSEIN Obama.
Styles: BigBOSS, Al Sharpton's on line one. Jesse Jackson on line two.
SW: And Kramer called to buy a Pete Trable T-shirt!
["Smooth Operator" by Sade plays.]
NH: And his opponent. From Naples, Italy. We weighs 240 pounds. This is the Sinister Surgeon, the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer In Wrestling Today, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
Styles: Tell us a little bit about SMP.
SW: Sure. SMP is the greatest wrestler in BOB's history. He's a former BOB tag champion, and multi-time champion in other promotions, including the STWF, where he was InterGalactic Champion. He was seconds away from winning the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at MEGABRAWL against Death, but the match ended in a time-limit draw. Then Luke Warm returned, and didn't do anything, essentially screwing up SMP's main event push.
Styles: Every winner of the Beer In the Belly Match has gone on to win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
SW: Right. But we've only had ONE, Styles. Last year was the first time.
Styles: Death won that Beer In The Belly Ladder Match and cashed in his six-pack of beer to bribe the bookers for a shot at the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, going on to defeat XXXtreme Machine for the title in seconds at one of our On-Demand events, Appetite for Burritos.
SW: Right, so by that logic, if that match happens every year, then every person who wins that match ever will always go on to become the champion?
Styles: That's what the numbers are telling me. This match is already under way, and Trable is off to a quick start against SMP here, Scotty.
SW: So, let's just get this straight. This, in addition to being a Beer In the Belly qualifier, is also an UnFOURgiven Grand Slam tournament match?
Styles: That's what my script says.
SW: How could your script say that if they just announced all this stuff after the show started?
Styles: Umm…Nice neckbreaker by SMP!
SW: You're so involved in this conspiracy. I knew it! Alex Smith was right about you. Well, not about you having autism, but everything else.
Styles: I meant, that's what my REVISED script said.
SW: Yeah. Or, maybe, that's what the person who's feeding you your lines in your ear is telling you to say.
Styles: Tell him you don't…I mean, I don't know what you're talking about, Scotty. Oooh, Trable just crotched SMP on the top rope. Trable off the ropes and shoulderblocks Plants to the floor. Trable out to the floor and rolls Plants back inside. He grabs Plants. Eye poke.
SW: Brilliant counter by Plants there.
Styles: Plants with some elbows to Trable's face. Plants unloading with rights. Oh, big clothesline by Trable ends Plants' momentum.
SW: One guy we haven't talked about yet is Steve Studnuts. Did you hear the rumors about what Plants found at his place after Studnuts visited? A stripper pole? KY Jelly. A cat-o-nine tails? I'm totally against Big Brother and all, but that's one office I'd love to have a hidden surveillance camera in.
Styles: Trable with a chinlock applied, trying no doubt to work over Plant's spine and set him up for his favorite move: the CD, the Compacted Disc.
SW: And I'm sure he'll get suspended again today after using the n-word repeatedly for no reason.
Styles: Plants planted with that slam by Trable. Leg drop misses. Plants is up. Italian drop! Cover! One, TWO, and -- no. Plants on the middle rope and he takes down Trable with a double ax handle. SMP waiting for Trable to get up. Boot! Nipple Cutter coming up! No! Trable with a go-behind. CD! But Plants slips out. NIPPLE CUTTER CONNECTS! COVER! One. Two. Three. HEGOTHIM!
NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants!
Styles: And with that, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is guaranteed to be in the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match, unless he gets to the Grand Slam finals at UnFOURgiven.
SW: Wait, what? How do you know that?
Styles: Revised script.
SW: Who REVISED your script?
Styles: Um…I'll get back to you on that.
[Cut to ringside.]
Styles: We want to thank you all for not changing the channel when you happened across us.
SW: Or for just generally being a masochist.
Styles: Anyway, right now in the BOB Forums, we're asking a very important question. *Sigh* Do you want to see Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" naked in a pool full of beer while pregnant eskimoes skin a polar bear? Is this for real?
SW: Oh, baby. I'm logging on right now. I hope she'll pose for some really low-class porno mag. You know, like Mickie James did.
Styles: I can't believe this. BOB Is Porn is born.
SW: It's not porn. It's art. I'm sure it'll be done in Poser, anyway. I just hope they don't make us pay in an adults only section. That would be totally lame. But I doubt Da Web Guy could even figure out how to make a password work. He can barely figure out how to make more than $1 every month on the Google ads. It's gonna be five years before he sees any real cash. We need ad clicks, people!
Styles: Scotty, relax. You can't make our viewers click on our Web site ads!
SW: Yeah. I never click on them either. Well, unless it's for meeting Vietnamese chicks. Me so horny!
[Just outside the Ballroom, Pete Trable came face to face with BigBOSS.]
BigB: How dare you use the n-word after I told you not to ever again. You're being suspended for a violation of the n-word abuse program. Go home, Pete. And you can kiss your paycheck goodbye.
[BigBOSS walks away.]
PT: Yo, come on! Damn!
[Pete starts walking down the hallway.]
TV: Yo, Pete!
PT: Yo, what?
TV: Hey, man. I've got some bad news for you. Your landlord called and said that your apartment building burned down. Here's his number.
[Trey hands Pete a piece of paper.]
PT: I got suspended. My house burns down. What's next, am I gonna get raped by a rabid raccoon?
TV: Oh, WAHHH, my house burned down. WAHHH, I got suspended. WAHHH. Why's it always have to be about you, Pete?
[Trey walks away disgusted.]
[Pete heads around the corner, only to be attacked!]
[It's Axl and the Hierarchy. Viruz, Steve Roydz, Pigeon and Axl all stomp away on Pete for several seconds.]
Axl: Hold on, hold on, hold on. We're so evil aren't we?
SR: EVIILLLLL! GRRRRRR!
Pigeon: What about the Hierarchy? What about home plate!
[Axl climbs up on a maid's cart as Viruz holds home plate over Trable's head. Axl jumps off and dropkicks the plate into Trable's skull!]
[As the group kicking resumes, the camera pans back until the cape of Garth Vader can be seen. Cue the playing of "The Imperial March."]
Garth Vader: Episode one is complete. Now it's time to prepare for episode two.
["Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck" by Prong plays, bringing out the Snapmare Kid.]
SW: How did THIS guy get on the first BOB show?
SMK: Hello, Sin City!
SMK: Well, it my honor to be the new spokesman for the Pinball Hall of Fame, right here in Sin City. I have loved playing pinball since I was just a little boy. And it's the only fun thing I can afford to do in Sin City. Besides, who wants to gamble, drink excessively, and have meaningless sex for money with legal hookers or just really loose drunk women, am I right, Sin City?
SMK: The reason I came to BOB was so that I could afford this love of mine. And with what BOB pays, it's just enough to cover the twenty-five cents per game habit I have. You see, not only am I the show starter. The curtain jerker. The jobber. The snap marer. I'm also a pinballer. So if any of my friends in BOB, or any of you all want to come on over to the Pinball Hall of Fame and play me at South Park, or Shaq Attack, or even Star Wars Episode 1, well, I've got two words for you.
Crowd: You suck!
SMK: Well, actually one hyphenated word and one other word. One and a half-words? Anyway. Twenty-five cents! Thanks everyone!
Styles: That was odd.
SW: Speaking of affordable, when is somebody going to invent JOB. Johns On a Budget. For horny guys who need cheap sex?
Styles: I thought you said you just were with five women?
SW: Yeah, but come on, Styles. This was a slow week for me.
Styles: Oh, brother. He's got a match against Mr. Paradox coming up, and he's shilling for pinball? I don't get it.
SW: Speaking of shilling, G5TV viewers, Trey Vincent wanted me to let you all know that new episodes of Mystery Sports Entertainment Theatre 3000 are coming! Seriously. Well, at least one. But stay tuned, because at some point, Trey and Seth will get off their lazy asses and watch some more crappy wrestling.
["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz begins to play on the speakers.]
Styles: That's Axl's music! What in the world is he doing out here? Insano Mano vs Kurt Angel is scheduled next...
SW: Dammit! I thought we were going to be lucky and not have to talk to this sulking goth poser for one week. Why I would get my hopes up like that after years and years of disappointment, I'll never know...
Styles: But Axl's only been around for a year?
SW: Yeah, well, you know the old saying. Time creeps along like a snail when you feel like you're being poked in the eyes with razor sharp sticks...
Styles: Well, nevertheless, he's coming toward our desk...
SW: Oh, FRICK... ya know what? Screw it. I'm taking a break. I'll be backstage if you need me.
[Scotty removes his headset and drops it to the desk, before taking his leave. He brushes past Axl, who simply ignores Scotty. As Axl sits at the desk, placing the headset over his ears, Scotty flips Axl off, before heading through the entrance.]
Styles: Welcome, Axl. Looks as though Scotty wasn't very pleased with your coming to the desk.
Axl: Meh... Scott's isn't worthy of my pure, unbridled greatness. He's not worthy of being in the same ARENA as me, much less sitting by me at this desk. Not only am I a Wrestling God, but I'll have you know I'm the greatest wrestler to provide guest commentary... EVER.
Styles: Ah... well -
Axl: And I'll ALSO have you know that Rose may officially be the man in our relationship, but I'm still man enough to take on either of the sawed-off jackwads in this next match! Insano? He's nothing more than a glorified stuntman! What he does has nothing to do with WRESTLING. And even though Kurt may seemingly be a wrestling "machine" of sorts, when it all comes down to it, that pothead Angel doesn't know one TENTH of the jawesomely jawesome moves that I do! I mean, they don't call me the 'Man of 1,000,017 and a Half Moves' for nothing!
Styles: ... They call you that? ... Are we talking about people from Earth, or some planet where the number 1,000,017 and a half has a drastically lower value than it does here?
Axl: > : -(
Styles: : - D
["I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" plays, and Kurt Angel steps out through the entrance, in a silver-colored pair of sneakers, a silvery, satin pair of warm-up pants and a shining, silver-toned t-shirt, with a pair of golden angel's wings emblazoned across the front. Kurt lifts both forefingers high into the air, before lowering them and cracking his neck to the left and then the right. Kurt jogs down to the ring before hopping onto the apron in one swift motion. Kurt climbs into the ring, before taking to the corner post, and as he stands upon the top, the Fallen Angel raises his index fingers into the air once again, soaking in the cheers and applause of the Sin City fans. When suddenly -]
Styles: Wait a minute, the Tiny-Tron just came on... and it seems as though Insano Mano is headed toward the ring. But wait! Mano's just been struck in the side of the head with a ham sandwich!
Axl: The deadliest of all sandwiches.
Styles: Mano drops to the floor... and someone is ripping his mask off! We can't get a clear shot of this guy's face... And before we can, he pulls on the mask.
Axl: I wonder who it could possibly be...
Styles: ... Ya know, you never actually said WHY you were out here commenting on this particular match... This guy wouldn't happen to have anything to do with it, would he?
Axl: Oh nooo, of course not! I'm just like you, Mike, in the dark as far as it comes to this guy. ...
Styles: Hmm... Well, nevertheless -
Axl: SERIOUSLY. No clue. I have no idea who it is.
Styles: Well -
Axl: ; - )
["Mexican Hat Dance", by the Arriba Brothers, plays, and out comes... some chubby guy in baggy shorts, combat boots, and Insano Mano's mask.]
Styles: What in the HELL...
Axl: Insano Mano appears to have put on a few pounds. Must have been chowing down on one too many bean burritos...
Styles: Are you kidding me?! That's obviously NOT Mano! It seems to be the same guy that ko'ed Mano in the back... Wait... isn't that that 'Duff' guy -
Axl: AND HERE COMES MANO! Mano runs down to the ring, slides in, and rushes toward Kurt, and the two immediately begin to trade rights and lefts!
Styles: Huh... That guy sure does seem familiar. But either way, as Axl just noted, Kurt and, ahem, "Mano", are vicously tearing into one another with fists of fury. "Mano" sends one more fist toward the skull of Kurt, who grabs the fist, twisting it behind the back of Kurt, applying a hammerlock! But "Mano" reaches his free arm up, hooks Kurt's head... and snaps off a quick jawbreaker!
Axl: INSANO STUNNERO!
Styles: Yes, Insano Stunnero, which sends Kurt reeling back, before tumbling through the ropes and crashing to the outside. "Mano" drops to the mat and rolls to the outside, sending a few stomps to the side and head of Angel. After taking a bit of abuse, Kurt manages to take hold of "Mano"'s ankle, trip him to the ground, and float over into a headlock on the supposed luchadore...
Axl: Whadya mean "supposed" luchadore?! THAT'S MANO! There's absolutely no doubt about it! Now keep calling the match, ya blind buffoon...
Styles: Ai-yai, Captain.
Axl: Oh, knock it off!
Styles: Ok, ok... But Mano or no, the guy's trapped in an Olympic-caliber headlock from the winged one. Kurt begins to grind his knuckles into the forehead of "Mano" while still applying the headlock... Wait, is he... YES! He's trying to remove the mask!
Axl: HE BETTER NOT! Er... I mean, uh... He better not... tear up that mask TOO much. It's probably valuable... or something.
Styles: Nice save there, Axl. "Mano" manages to elbow Kurt in the side of the head and avoid having his identity being revealed, as if we didn't already know who it was... Anyway, Kurt takes a few steps away, while "Mano" makes it to his feet. Before "Mano" can turn around, Kurt locks on a reverse waistlock, and is about to lift "Mano" up for a german suplex, when "Mano" switches behind Kurt, and pulls off a german suplex of his own! Kurt's been dropped on the back of his head, and I'm afraid he may have a broken frickin' neck!
Axl: That's what he'd get for stepping in the ring with Duf- ... MANO! ... Grr...
Styles: "Mano" grabs Kurt by the shirt collar and pulls him to his feet, before ramming his back into the corner post. He then hits a snap fisherman suplex, which sends Kurt crashing into the barricade. But just as "Mano" reaches a vertical base, Kurt's right back up, and clotheslines "Mano", taking him off his feet. Kurt rolls "Mano" back into the ring, and goes for a pin, and picks up a 2 count only. Kurt sends a few forearm shots to the side of "Mano"'s head. Kurt climbs up the corner post... he seems to be going for a moonsault... OH MY GOD! "Mano" just came to his senses and hit a dropkick, sending Kurt hurtling to the outside and smacking his face on our desk!
Axl: (stands up and spits on Kurt) You... You... HERUMPH! (sits back down)
Styles: What was that for?
Axl: Don't get in my business, Styles...
Styles: Touchy, are we... Well, Kurt slowly clamors back into the ring, but doesn't have the strength to stand, lying on his back and breathing heavily. "Mano" lifts Kurt from the canvas, before bouncing off one set of ropes, heading for Kurt... but somehow, Kurt finds the power to snap off a quick Heavenly Slam, bringing "Mano" down hard to the mat. Both men are left lying, and -
Axl: Hey, uh, Mike, I've got some business to handle... I'll catch you later.
Styles: Huh? Wha- ... Well folks, Axl's left the commentary desk, and he must be headed to the back. ... Wait, he's headed... for the RING? What does that maniac think he's doing?! Axl leaps onto the apron, and smacks the referee in the back of the head. Generic Referee turns around and tells Axl to leave, but while Axl has the ref occupied... some sort of music is playing... "Twisted Transistor"!
Styles: IT'S VIRUZ! Axl's brother is coming down to the ring! He must have some unfinished business to take care of with Kurt... I wonder if THAT'S why Axl was out here... Viruz enters the ring and hits the Fatal Error on Kurt, leaving him motionless in the center of the ring! Viruz rolls out of the ring, and Axl hops off the apron... and the referee turns around just in time to find "Mano" pinning Kurt! And "Mano", who we all know isn't REALLY Mano, has just picked up the 1, 2, 3! This makes me SICK! Thankfully, Scotty has returned. Scotty, doesn't this make you sick?
SW: You wanna know what makes me sick? That guacamole they're serving in catering. BLECH.
Styles: ... Well, it looks as though Viruz and Axl are both getting back in the ring. Viruz picks up Kurt, sends him into the ropes, and clotheslines him over the top rope, following him to the outside, and trading fists with him through the entrance. Axl grabs a microphone... and "Mano" removes the mask, showing us what we knew all along, that he's actually Duff.
Axl: HA! We sure fooled YOU idiots, didn't we!
Styles: Oh brother...
Axl: Ladies and gentlemen, please help me in introducing the newest member of the Hierarchy ; DUFF!!!
SW: Like the beer? Homer Simpson must LOVE this guy. I sure don't... Any member of the Hierarchy is an enemy of mine! And they must royally suck as well...
Styles: OK, Scotty, let's hear what the guy's got to say.
Düff: HELLO, BOB! I am Düff, soon to be known as the greatest, most revolutionary wrestler to grace this or any other ring! I have the most devastating moveset anyone has ever seen, and despite my weight, I'm an amazing technical wrestler. Many people must be wondering, though. Why BOB? Why the Hierarchy? Well, it's simple. The Hierarchy was the only group brutal enough to really house the Düff-man! And BOB? Well... okay, fine, nowhere else was willing to hire me, but regardless! I will show those *BEEP*ers why they made a mistake by passing me by!
[Duff finishes and drops the mic, Axl raising his arm, as the audience boos.]
Styles: Fans, we are quickly running out of time for this week. So, I'm being told that that was our main event?
SW: We are? It was? What about the rest of the matches? We hyped up four more matches. For weeks!
Styles: Yeah, well, when Trey books himself and Sarah for half the show, you've got a time management issue. Please join us next week on iMPLOSION 2 for the thrilling conclusion of any matches that were left off this week's broadcast!
SW: Oh, you're kidding me!
Styles: We only have an hour timeslot. Otherwise, Trey would burn out and we'll be off the air for six months.
SW: I'm sure you meant to say six weeks.
Styles: Oh, right.
["Regeneration X" by Mark Rushton hits. The crowd erupts in woos for some reason. I figured they'd be booing these guys. Massive Man Rendition First steps out first, followed quickly by Jim "Totally Packaged." They're dressed in jeans and T-shirts, not their wrestling gear.]
Styles: This isn't on my format, Scotty. Why are Re-Generation-X coming out here?
SW: Maybe they'll address the rumors that have been floating around the Internets about a three-way with Candy Cantaloupes.
Styles: Is that the rumor YOU started?
SW: No. It was started by some cool forum poster named Scot E.W. Hatbody. I think that guy's from Scotland.
MMR1: It's time. Ladies, gentlemen, Scotty Whatbody. We've been thinking about this for a while, and now it's time to RE-tire, Re-Generation-X.
Styles: Oh my god! Are they serious?
SW: I doubt it. This is BOB, after all. You seriously think BigBOSS would let them leave without jobbing them out to somebody?
Jim: You can consider this our farewell address. We're going to join our old friends, Violent Pacifist, Brandon "Bitch Smacker," Sir Hungalot and Jean Bannister in that good old place known’s as not in BOB. As of Totally Dead, now available on DVD, Re-Generation-X have wrestled their final matches. Well, not me, exactly, but Massive Man did.
MMR1: Dude, you so would have lost to Death.
MMR1: Plus you got beat up by a girl. What's this, the 20th time that's happened now?
Jim: 24th! But that's not the point. The point is, we're leaving with our heads held high, and you'll never see us gracing the Rant Zone again.
[The crowd boos.]
MMR1: C'mon, Sin City. Don't be sad. We're not. Although it does suck that I never did get back the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS one last time. And Jim never got it, ever. Just be proud that one day, you can tell your kids that you saw the legends of the Kent State Krew! The legends of Totally Face! The legends of Re-Generation-X!
Jim: Last month, Massive Man lost to a roided up over-the-hill reject who just happens to be buddies with the VP. And I'm not talking Violent Pacifist.
MMR1: And Jim got beat up by a chick!
Jim: Yeah, they get it, dude.
MMR1: I've been getting the sniffles all day every time I thought about coming out here and making this announcement. Then I realized that Brandon's cat, and former Are You Out of Your Frickin' Mind Hardcore Champion, Tigress was backstage visiting, and I totally was just having allergies. We're in a good place.
Jim: Not to say Sin City is a good place. Because it totally sucks.
Crowd: Thank you chick! Thank you chick! Thank you chick!
Jim: What are they chanting?
MMR1: Some babe with gigantic boobs just flashed me. It was sweet.
Jim: Aww, seriously? Where? Can you do it again? Aww, c'mon!
MMR1: Anyway. Thank you. Thank YOU for the mammaries. Thank you for not wearing a bra to the show tonight and showing me your goodies. We're so used to seeing teenager's boobs, and, well, they usually aren't as big and breastacular.
Jim: So to sum up…we’re retiring…and we’re still better than ya’ll.
["Regeneration X" hits again as the crowd gives Massive Man and Jim a pretty good ovation.]
[They're about to drop their mics as "Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver plays. Out comes Trey Vincent.]
TV: Jim. Josh. These fans aren't the only ones who want to boo you for retiring. I seriously made up this whole tournament dealie to conclude at UnFOURgiven, and now you're totally messing up my plans. I even made an Excel sheet!
[Both Jim and MMR1 are rubbing their eyes and making crying faces.]
TV: You think you're leaving BOB with your heads up high? Let me tell you. You've got another thing coming. I had to come out here to tell you guys something. *BEEP* you! And *BEEP* you!
[Trey puts flips them both off. The crowd boos.]
TV: And there are a few other people backstage who want to say *BEEP* you, too. There's this one group I was talking to earlier. Well, actually, I meant to talk to them. But instead, I just told them to come out here and kick your asses.
["Are we Ourselves" by the Fixx hits. The crowd erupts in cheers.]
TV: DR. THRILLA! MR. PARADOX! CECIL! Dimension Z!
[Paradox walks out first, followed by Cecil and Dr. Thrilla. Jim and Massive Man applaud them as they walk down the aisle.]
TV: Yeah, that's right. Applaud them, nutbags. They're so gonna break every bone in those hands.
[Paradox gets in the ring. He immediately bashes Trey in the face with the handle of his sword. Dr. Thrilla grabs Trey's legs and drops both knees into Vincent's crotch, getting a huge pop from the crowd. Paradox and Thrilla look at Jim and Massive Man.]
Dr. Thrilla: *Sad metal clanging*
Cecil: The good doctor says, good luck to you both in your future endeavors. And if you're ever in South Dakota, come play some Russian roulette with us.
[Mr. Paradox extends his samurai sword to Re-X. Jim takes it.]
MMR1: (Laughing) Dude, you touched Paradox's sword.
[Paradox, Thrilla and Cecil leave the ring as Trey pulls himself up.]
Jim: Aww. It's a replica plastic sword…I mean, AWESOME. By the way, you can buy these at any merchandise stand in the hotel.
TV: *BEEP* Well, that didn't go as planned. But I'm sure this next part will.
["Killed by Death" by Motorhead plays next. Death, the former ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, slowly walks down the aisle. Trey is apparently paralyzed by shock, so he can't run away before Death makes his sloowwww walk down the aisle. Death enters the ring, grabs Trey, knees him in the stomach, then Netherworld Powerbombs him. Death then slowly approaches Jim, reaching into his cloak.]
Death: This is for you.
Jim: My John Cougar Mellancamp CD? Dude, closure.
Death: See you in a few years. Take care. Or not. I really don't care.
[Death leaves. Trey slowly pulls himself up.]
TV: (Huffing) Damnit! XXXtreme Machine!
["This is XXXtreme" by Harry Dick & The No-Tones plays. XXXtreme Machine walks down. XXXtreme Machine charges towards them, and Massive Man hits a Sideways Effect on him.]
XM: ow wat the fuk I wus ownle guna hug u!!!
MMR1: Whoops. My bad.
[Krew Kutter by Jim!]
Jim: What? I'm gonna miss hurting him.
MMR1: Yeah, me too. Get him up.
[Massive Man gets on the second rope. Leap of Fate by Massive Man on XXXtreme Machine. They roll his unconscious body out of the ring as the crowd roars in approval.]
TV: Right. Moving on…Here's the man who you won the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS against…
Voice-Over: 1, 2, 3, 4!
[A Ramones medley plays.]
TV: COMA! Who no doubt harbors some ill will towards you for all those shenanigans that happened whenever it was that you beat him.
MMR1: Dude, you don't even remember what happened?
TV: I was drunk for most of 2003.
Coma: You say hello, poink! I say good BYE BYE BYE, narf! Choo-choo, here comes the midnight train, the midnight train to Ohio, neep!
[Coma wanders away. Some dude walks down the aisle and rolls in the ring.]
TV: And here's…some dude who asked for your autograph in 2004.
Some Dude: It was 2005, dumbass. I want my pen back, Josh.
MMR1: Dream on, loser.
[Massive Man and Jim give the dude a wedgie.]
[Sounds of stuff breaking fill the ballroom. BOOS! Luke Warm is heading down the aisle.]
TV: Rick Bogner!
[No, I said Luke Warm!]
TV: Oh, right. *Ahem* LUKE WARM. It's Luke Warm everybody. Right. Luke's arriv--
[STONECUTTER on Trey Vincent. Luke gives Massive Man and Jim a thumbs up. Heidi tosses Luke three Luke-Hoos. Luke hands Jim one, and Massive Man the other. Luke-Hoo salute! Big pop from the crowd. Luke picks up Some Dude and hits a STONECUTTER on him. Luke then leaves the ring looking for XXXtreme Machine.]
MMR1: We're so awesome. If anybody else wants to enjoy our awesomeness one last time, why don't y'all come out now.
["End of the Road" by Boyz II Men plays. Here comes the rest of the BOB roster to say goodbye to Re-Generation-X: Kevin the Pyromaniac, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer," Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, The Great, Kid Pirate, Axl, Kamikazie Ken, Insano Mano, Kurt Angel, Snapmare Kid, Alex Smith, Hallucination Boy, Jerri Li, Joe Bananas, Little Good, Pigeon, Steve Roydz, Viruz, Randall Mooby, and…guess that's it.]
MMR1: Hey, look! That chicks's flashing again!
Wrestlers in aisle: (Clapping with each syllable) Thank you chick! Thank you chick!
Crowd: Thank you chick! Thank you chick!
Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!
[And one last time, just for Josh and Jim…we fade 2 black.]