[In a hallway of the Riviera Hotel, Steve Studnuts was seen talking with Trey Vincent from afar. The two appeared to be having a heated conversation.]
Styles: is the iAd falling apart right before our eyes?
Scotty Whatbody: Thankfully, nobody bothered to get a microphone so we could find out. Have I mentioned lately that I hate working here?
Styles: The show just started, Scotty.
SW: Oh, right. I hate working here!
[Death is at a payphone.]
Death: You know…It doesn't matter who makes it to the final four at UnFOURgiven. Once again, Big Bony will be the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS again. Now, don't defy Death or you'll face Grim Reaper-cussions!
Operator: Sir, can you please just tell me who you want to call? City?
Death: The Seven Seas.
Operator: What state is that in?
Death: I'm not sure. His bio page didn't say.
Death: Pirate. Kid Pirate. You see, I'm really worried. I haven't seen him in the Rant Zone in ages. I was just wondering if he was planning on phoning in his match tonight! Bwahahaha!
Operator: Is that supposed to be funny?
Death: My gravelly chuckling didn't give you a hint. Do you KNOW who I am? And why can the viewers even hear you? This is a public payphone! Damn Big Brother. Stop recording all my phone calls and broadcasting them on the air! I hate the NSA.
Sarah: Well, if it isn't you.
[Death hangs up the phone.]
Death: Well, if it isn't little miss shove herself down the viewers' throats. Speaking of which, why isn't Trey shoving something down your throat right now? I know how you got that belt back, honey.
Sarah: What's the matter? You afraid of that little four-person match at UnFOURgiven for a shot at this title, and every other title in BOB?
Death: Do I look like I'm afraid of anything? Everywhere I go, at the sight of me, people piss themselves, crap themselves, or vomit. People fear me.
Sarah: So THAT explains the odor. Look. I was screwed out of this title.
Death: And you screwed Trey to get it back. Whatever. I'll kill you. I'll kill him. Hell, I'll kill whoever I need to kill until I get my title back. The path of corpses begins tonight with Kid Pirate.
Sarah: Just remember. I'm 2-0 against you. You don't even deserve to be in this tournament. I beat you at Grudge Match A-Go-Go. I beat you at Totally Dead. You're a really good jobber to the stars. And Death, the biggest star in BOB is back.
Death: Yeah, but I'm facing Kid Pirate tonight, not you, bitch.
Sarah: Oh, you may be facing Kid Pirate, but you'll also have to deal with me. You see…I just bought this hot little shirt, well…Trey actually bought it for me. It's got white and black stripes. And it shows off my hot little belly.
Death: You're going to be referee? Oh, come on! Can blondes even count to three?
Sarah: *Pouts* Don't quit your day job. We won't be needing you around here after tonight for a nice, long while.
["Right Now" by Korn plays.]
Styles: Hello everyone, and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget, Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! I'm Mikey Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody. And we're about to be joined by the man who currently holds the Swiss Army Belt, Steve Studnuts!
SW: That's right. We found out this week that Studnuts' first-round opponent in the Grand Slam tournament will be Dr. Thrilla. And the Swiss Army Belt will be on the line.
Styles: Steve Studnuts was noticeably absent last week from the first edition of iMPLOSION! He didn't even make it out at the end to say goodbye to Re-Generation-X.
SW: Drink beer or give fake applause to two guys you don't give a crap about. Tough choice, Styles. Please. Man, Studnuts looks pissed. And he's got a microphone? Get the bleep machine ready. Are we still a parody fed? Who wrote this script?
Steve Studnuts: I've been asked to come out here and apologize.
[The crowd boos.]
Studs: So, as a favor to my, good buddy…Trey. I will. So, Sarah. Come on down here so I can apologize to your face.
Styles: He's apologizing?
SW: No way Studnuts will apologize. Wait, what's he apologizing for? Being honest with Sarah?
Styles: Honest? She was a great champion.
SW: There is no way he's responsible for her being stripped of the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS a couple years back. That was all BigBOSS's doing.
["Metal Storm/Face the Slayer" by Slayer plays. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" walks out from the back, followed closely by Insano Mano and Kamikazie Ken, both carrying rakes. They get cheered as they head down to the ring.]
Styles: Sarah's not taking any chances, bringing out Kamikazie Ken and Insano Mano to the ring. The Fall of Man. These four people have some big history from late last year, when Steve Studnuts and Seth Harker were abducted by the Fall of Man and left in the desert.
SW: Steve told me that Seth was so out of it, he confused a cactus with Kay Fabe. He was all like, "ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow." Bwahahaha.
Styles: Stop thrusting. Yowza! I don't ever want to see that again.
SW: He was pulling pricks out of his prick for days, I heard.
Sarah: It sucks to be here in Sin City!
Sarah: I'm glad that you're brain isn't as tiny as your weenie. I'm just so sorry it took you this long to tell all the BOB viewers that you were wrong about how great I am. Finally, you're putting the priority on your career. That's great to see, Stevie. It'll be my pleasure to take the Swiss Army Belt back for a second time from you, or whoever beats you, at UnFOURgiven. OK. I'm ready for my apology!
[Studnuts pauses, and looks at the crowd.]
Studs: Heh. First off, I'd like to apologize to those two faggots in Re-Generation-X. I guess you guys retired or something last week? Good *BEEP*in' riddance. I told Josh, or Jim, or Brandon or whoever the *BEEP* I beat for this *BEEP*in' belt that I'd leave him like a sack of *BEEP*in' *BEEP*! That's the way a TRUE champion says goodbye to a piece of *BEEP*.
Studs: So, Sarah, from stud to *BEEP*, I heard from Trey you've got some educated knees. I also heard that you love his jizz so much that you'd brush your teeth with it if Colgate bottled it. I heard, the secret to how you keep your face so smooth is Oil of Bukkake. I heard, your pet name for Trey Vincent is actually "Skeet," and not because he reminds you of that loser you two ran out of this fed, ya dig? I heard that Trey's name for you is Eliot Swallower. I heard your favorite canned food is Man Chowder.
[Mano and Ken step toward Studs. Sarah throws down the OWTTM in anger.]
Studs: Easy, retards. Sarah, I'd offer you my hand in friendship, but who the *BEEP* knows where those fingers have been. You might want to check Trey's ass, it looks like you lost one of your nails, bitch. Oh, right, apologies. I'm sorry for kicking Mano's and Ken's asses so many times.
Styles: Whoawhoawhoawhoa! Studnuts has Ken up. Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver! Mano stomping on Studnuts, but Studnuts shoves him away. Death Valley (of the Sun) Driver on Mano! Oh my GOD!
[Sarah gets into fighting stance as Studs picks up the microphone.]
Studs: And Sarah. I know this is what you've been waitin' to hear. I'm sorry that…YOU CAN'T BE ME. BUT I KNOW, YOU WISH…YOU COULD BE! Ya dig? And I'm so *BEEP*in' sorry if you were expectin' a real apology from Steve *BEEP*in' Studnuts. But just because Trey's tongue is playin' the part of your tampon does NOT mean *BEEP* to me! All that means is that he's got really *BEEP*ty taste in women, no gatdamn pun intended. Bitchweed.
Sarah: You know what Studnuts. We should settle this one on one and with a lot of run-ins to make sure I win. The biggest ONE-NOTE, overrated, roided up, fake tan having scumbag, versus the hottest, toughest chick in the world!
Studs: The easiest chick on the planet? You're gatdamn right you are!
[Trey Vincent runs into the ring.]
TV: Hold on, guys, hold on!
[Trey gets between Sarah and Studnuts.]
TV: First off, both of you need to relax. I don't want to get in the middle here. Sarah, Steve is one of my best friends. And Steve, Sarah is my girl now, man. And in case you both forgot, you have to listen to me because I'm the Vice President In Charge of Everything! And Ken, Mano. You guys can fall off a friggin' 20 foot scaffold into electrified sharks with chainsaws, but you get knocked out by one finishing move? The hell is up with that?
TV: Anyway. Look. You two can't have a match. In case you both forgot, BOB has this Grand Slam tournament going on. Studs, you've got Dr. Thrilla to worry about coming up. And Sarah? Putting aside the fact that I've still yet to book your first-round opponent, but you've got Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" in a CAGE match in just a few minutes. You guys seriously need to focus. Whoa. Look at the breasts on that chick in the front row! You need a job, honey?
[Sarah kicks Trey in the thigh.]
TV: I mean. Right. So, Studs, buddy. I thank you for coming out here and apologizing to Sarah.
Sarah: He did NOT apologize!
TV: What are you talking about? He apologized like 20 times to you!
TV: Hey, look over there, Studs. Isn't that the lovely and talented Nurse Heidi?
Studs: Yeah. So?
TV: Well, how about I send you, Heidi and a cameraman out on the town on Sin City. All on the BOB company account. Seriously. (He digs in his pockets.) You can even use the footage in the Rant Zone, as long as it doesn't get too dirty, heh. Here's $50 on top of what you're getting as your regular BOB pay.
Studs: So, $50 then?
TV: Right. You two kids go have a fun time. I can find some chick to announce the matches.
NH: Hey, what are you, my pimp?
TV: Flex for her, Studs.
[Studs shows off his muscles.]
NH: Humina humina, humina.
TV: Have fun you two. Be back by next week! Seriously. I might need you for a segment or a match or something.
[Studnuts watches as Heidi leaves the ring, then he leaves the ring, walking behind her.]
TV: See that? Everything's perfect now. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the rest of the show!
SW: Man. What a way to start of the show.
Styles: Trey may not want to be in the middle of this building hatred between his best friend and his girlfriend, but he is literally in the middle of it. Fans, stay tuned. Up next, who will qualify for the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match at UnFOURgiven and move onto the next round of the Grand Slam tournament? Snapmare Kid--
SW: BWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah freakin' right!
Styles: Or Mr. Paradox? We'll be right back! And also coming up, Death vs. Kid Pirate, with Sarah as the special guest referee.
SW: Sexeree! Woohoo!
[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants was just entering the lobby of the Riviera when he saw Nurse Heidi and Steve Studnuts walking toward him.]
SMP: Hey, Heidi. Steve. What's up?
Studs: 'Sup, jerkweed?
NH: Trey gave Steve and me the night off. He even gave us a cameraman.
Studs: Yeah. We're gonna put Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and all those other celebrity bitches to shame tonight. Did you know Heidi's last name is Kum?
NH: It is not!
Studs: Well, it's gonna be after tonight. Let's hit it…
[Studs heads toward the exit.]
SMP: You're going out with him tonight?
NH: Yeah. So, I'll catch you Monday at work, I guess? Right?
[She starts backing up towards the exit.]
SMP: So, I guess you won't need me to walk you home after the show tonight?
Studs: Of course not! I actually own a car. I'm sure you've seen a Porsche in a magazine, right, jerkweed? Well, you see, while you own the magazine. *Pffft* Who am I kidding. While you can actually look a picture of a Porsche in a magazine at your local library or at your grungy office, I actually own the Porsche. Kum on Heidi. Heh.
[She waves and heads out, followed by a generic cameraman.]
SMP: … Bye.
["Pinball Wizard" by The Who is playing as we return to the BOB Ballroom. The Snapmare Kid is on his knees and appears to be praying near the entryway. The crowd is booing him.]
SW: I'd be praying too if I was about to face Mr. Paradox.
Styles: Snapmare Kid is the man of 1000 snapmares. He has more variations on one move than anybody in the history of our sport. He can hit snapmares from anywhere, from any angle, at any time.
SW: And he's in the pocket pinball hall of fame.
Styles: It's not pocket pinball.
SW: Right, Styles. Hey, we don't have a new ring announcer!
Alex Smith: 9/11 was an inside job! 9/11 was an inside job! My name is Alex Smith. For years, I was a zombie.
SW: Yeah, he was! Remember Meat-Puppet?
AS: And then recently, I woke up about the lies of the U.S. government! Folks, if you don't believe me, maybe you'll believe another wrestling legend. A guy by the name of Jesse Ventura. He's the former Minnesota governor and a former Navy Seal.
SW: That's unbelievable!
Styles: What, that Jesse Ventura is a conspiracy theorist?
SW: No. I think Alex just called himself a wrestling legend!
AS: Three buildings, all owned by one man coincidentally enough, Larry Silverstein, were the only building that collapsed on 9/11, despite heavy damage to several other buildings. None of them collapsed! Never in history has ONE steel framed building collapsed at free fall speed into its own footprint, let alone THREE! But it happened on 9/11. Folks, it was controlled demolition. Watch "Loose Change." Watch "From Freedom to Fascism" on Google or YouTube. We're waking up to their lies. There's a war on for your minds, and it's time to fight back! Thank you, Jesse Ventura, for being a brave American and patriot and for making me proud to be a wrestler!
AS: The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, already in the ring, from Snap Finger, Georgia, this is the SNAP MARE KIIIIIIID! Also folks, I forgot to mention that Richard Falk an official on the UN Human Rights Council is calling for an investigation into the neo-conservatives role in the 9/11 attacks. The official story continues to collapse, and the corporate controlled media is losing credibility on this issue more and more every day. People, all they can do now is lie and deceive in the hopes that people won’t look into the fraud of the official story for themselves. But I urge you to look. Check out 911blogger. That site has hundreds of links to reputable sites!
Styles: Well, that was quite the intro for SMK.
SW: Yeah. Mr. Paradox is already out in the ring, Alex was talking so long!
Styles: And…what is this? We're being joined by Cecil and Dr. Thrilla on commentary? I don't think we have enough headsets for both of you.
SW: Give Thrilla the headset, Cecil never has anything noteworthy to say.
Styles: I'm afraid Thrilla will break the headset. One good bite with those steel chompers would put us in the red for this event.
AS: And his opponent. From Hot Springs, South Dakota. He weighs somewhere between 180 and 190 pounds. Mr. Paradox!
Dr. Thrilla: *insulting metal clanging*
SW: Hahaha. Yeah, Styles is such a pussy, isn't he?
Styles: Did he really just say that?
Dr. Thrilla: *definitive metal clanging*
SW: BWAHAHAHA! You can't say that on television! I hope they bleeped that.
Styles: I want to focus on this big match in the ring, as Mr. Paradox and SMK are both trying to get into the Beer in the Belly match, but Dr. Thrilla, in a couple weeks you've got a shot at winning the Swiss Army Belt. Any thoughts?
DT: *confident metal clanging*
SW: Oooh, suck on that, Studnuts! Thrilla Life's comin' ta getcha!
Styles: Many people have said to me that if not for Sir Zeno, Mr. Paradox likely would have been challenging for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS years ago, but his status as a sidekick hurt him in a way.
SW: Yeah. Now Paradox is hurting SMK. Oh man, look at those punches. I think SMK's nose is busted open. I heard he trained for BOB by going onto reservations and beating the crap out of drunken Sioux Indians and then taking their wampum.
Styles: Look out. Here it comes! The…uh…
*DING DING DING*
AS: Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the match, Mr. Paradox!
DT: *approving metal clanging*
SW: That was quite the squash victory for Mr. Paradox there. That'll teach him not to have a handler. Though I can't quite recall how he actually beat him, can you, Styles?
Styles: No. Well, thanks for joining us Dr. Thrilla, and thanks for not breaking our headset!
Styles: DAMNIT! Well fans, up next, it's time for Eliza against Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" in a steel cage! Next! Cage! Next!
It probably won't be in FOUR days…it could be in FOUR weeks, but I doubt it…FOUR months? That's more realistic. Hell, it could even come in FOUR years! But one thing is FOUR sure…
UnFOURgiven is coming soon…
BOB-On-Demand presents UnFOURgiven! Order now! Hell, it's cheaper than filling up your gas tank! So stay home with BOB and order UnFOURgiven!
[Back in the BOB Ballroom, "Metal Storm/Face the Slayer" is already playing. Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is climbing on the ropes and checking out the cage. Amazingly, it doesn't fall apart when she shakes it. That's gotta be a first for BOB.]
Styles: Welcome back fans. Thanks to the magic of editing, the steel cage has been erected.
SW: And I'm gonna be totally erected once Sarah and Eliza start cat-fighting! Oh baby!
Styles: BOB's ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" is already in the ring, awaiting her opponent. There are some huge stakes in this one.
SW: Sarah doesn't use stakes. She uses bananas. Don't get her confused with Buffy. That bitch who ripped off her identity.
Styles: That's not what I meant. These two women have a violent history with each other. It's Slayer vs. Slayer! Can you imagine the bragging rights?
SW: Yeah. And if Eliza wins, Sarah can never use the n-word as part of her new catchphrase again.
["The Devil Went Down to Georgia" plays. Eliza comes bouncing out, a banana in each hand, followed shortly by BigBOSS. No pun intended.]
Styles: What's so funny?
SW: Did you read the script? Detached Narrator shoots and scores with a SHORT JOKE on BigBOSS!
BigBOSS: This is wrong! This is so wrong!
Styles: What's BigBOSS talking about?
SW: Giving away a steel cage match away for free on TV maybe? Or maybe he's pissed about the extra money he'll have to pay The Flunky and the ring crew for assembling the cage.
Styles: That sounds like it. Eliza is in the cage, and BigBOSS is at the door.
BigB: How can you allow this to happen?
Sarah: Hey, you're the one who booked this match.
BigB: Oh, right. Forgot.
Sarah: Get out of the cage, BigBOSS. You're just embarrassing yourself, as usual!
Styles: Even BigBOSS realizes things have gone too far here.
SW: Oh, come on, you need a little perspective. It's not like Sarah stuck a banana up Eliza's ass and then gave her a Dirty Sanchez with the banana.
SW: See? I'm perspective guy. What would you do with me out here?
Styles: I'd probably live longer from living a less stressful life.
SW: The censors farkin' love me!
[Trey Vincent crawls out from under the ring. BigBOSS is at the door, his back to Vincent. Vincent grabs the door and smashes it.]
BigB: Owwww! My hind-quarters!
SW: Man, he even names his ass after money.
Styles: Trey Vincent's in the ring. He's got, red furry handcuffs?
SW: Lovecuffs! I'm sure those have gotten quite a workout with Sarah. My favorite letters, other than T&A are S&M. Woohoo!
Styles: Trey Vincent is lovecuffing BigBOSS to the top rope! He's helpless.
SW: Yeah, and so is Eliza. Those bananas aren't gonna do her much good when Trey Vincent's in the ring. Hell, knowing Trey, he'll probably do some really nasty things to her with those bananas, and then take pictures of it and put them up on the web! Elizalovesbananas.com! I'm registering that domain now!
Styles: This is terrible. Trey Vincent is punching and kicking away on BigBOSS, the owner of this company! And the fans are cheering?
SW: Sarah's digging into her pants! Who cares what the fans are doing. She's got a feather! Yes!
Styles: Sarah tackles Eliza. She's got her pinned down! And she's tickling Eliza with the feather!
Eliza: AHHHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SW: Man, did Sarah used to work with the CIA? She must have been talking with Valerie Plame to get some good tickle torture tactics! Either her or Havana Ginger.
Styles: Who? What? How can you be making CIA torture jokes?
SW: I open my mouth, they come out. It's not brain surgery, Styles.
Eliza: AHHHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BigBOSS: Stop it, darnitall!
SW: Eliza's laughing so hard she's crying. Oh look! Sarah just pulled her pants down and she's tickling her ass with a feather! I always wanted to see that!
Styles: Sarah and Trey are disgusting!
SW: You seriously need to get out more often. You're probably just mad because they aren't torturing the banana, you damn fruit freak.
Styles: I don't know what you're talking about.
BigBOSS: TICKLE ME! TICKLE ME! Leave her alone!
Styles: Now look at Trey. He's taking off her boots. And now he's tickling her bare feet! Eliza is squirming, trying to get away, but Trey is too strong. This is going too far!
Eliza: AHHHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SW: It sounds like she's having fun. Relax. You know, brilliance just struck. Picture it, Styles. Remember Tickle Me Elmo? Well, that's nothing. Make way for Tickle Me Eliza! It'll be huge!
Styles: Fans, I apologize to anybody who is offended by the comments of Scotty Whatbody, or obviously by the actions of Sarah and Trey Vincent who are tickling poor Eliza while BigBOSS is cuffed helplessly in the cage.
SW: Oh, look at this now. Trey's using her own banana to tickle Eliza's feet!
Eliza: AHHHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
SW: Irony, one. Eliza, zero.
Sarah: That's enough. Hey, look. She peed her pants!
BigBOSS: You'll pay for this, Trey! Oh, you will pay for her dry cleaning!
TV: She peed her pants! Ahahahaha!
BigBOSS: You're not sorry! You're not sorry!
TV: Well, duhhhh!
[The crowd cheers.]
Styles: We'll be back…
Caption: Do ring t\e commichael brake!
SW: Wow, we seriously need guys on our production team who can spell. Doesn't our video editing program have a spell checker? Anyone? Anyone?
Styles: As you can see, BigBOSS helped Eliza out of the cage and hid her soiled pants with his hand.
SW: I'm sure Mrs. Behave is gonna love THAT visual. Can't say I'm surprised. Why would he risk getting his suit dirty. That would cost money.
[Cut to ringside. Styles has the "my check just bounced again" face, while Scotty is his usual self.]
SW: Will you relax? It's not like somebody just broke their neck in the ring or something. If you really want to see something disturbing, you should check out some Japanese tentacle-rape anime. That is some messed up stuff.
Styles: As always, I'll take your word--
["Rising Sun" by Bexta hits.]
SW: Hey, it's Seth Harker. Aww, I was hoping it was Kay Fabe. I can't wait for this next match. Jerri Li vs. Kay Fabe? This night just keeps getting better and better!
[The camera follows Seth down the aisle in slow-motion. The crowd gives him an apathetic reaction, fittingly enough. Once he gets in the ring, the camera returns to normal speed.]
[Seth picks up the microphone and looks out at the hordes of assembled fans. Is BOB still getting hordes of fans these days? Maybe it's just a hordlet. Or a ho. Anyway, Seth raises the mic to his lips. Pauses. Drops it. Then walks over to the nearest corner and slumps into it.]
Over-Excited Fanboy: WHOO! You tell 'em, Seth!
[Ramones music. Airhorns. Party poppers. And Coma runs down the aisle and slides into the ring...]
[Somehow he manages to get into the ring and find the mic. Miracles never cease, huh?]
Coma: Ladies and gentlefish, I'd like to read a statement on behalf of my client, Mr Seth Doodlebop Mandingo Richard Baseheart Harker. *ahem* *cough* *poink*.
Coma; Excuse me, I fluffied. The message reads. "Dear "The Great". You are. "The Suck". Signed, someone who doesn't really give a flying *AHOO-GAA* anymore. P.S, If I can't beat you, I'll slam my Love Baton in a revolving door at Bloomingdales on the first day of the spring sales.
[And the crowd goes, predictably enough, completely monkey.]
SW: Wow. Seth is so cool he won't even address The Great directly with a promo or anything.
[Coma takes his leave. Seth then grabs the microphone again.]
Seth: If I can be cool for a minute... I have two announcements to make. First of all, I have been appointed by Trey Vincent as BOB's Figurehead, which means I can pretty much do whatever I want whenever I want, but I don't have to do anything if I don't want to either.
SW: Wow. Sounds just like how BigBOSS operates. Think they're related?
Seth: Second of all. Kay Fabe isn't here tonight.
Seth: However. There is some chick backstage who works for Triple Haitch Dub. And she will be filling in for Kay tonight. Now. Before all the dirt sheets start speculating. Kay Fabe did not pull a Sean Waltman tonight. Instead, she pulled a Steve Austin. Just so we're clear. Right then. Without further ado, may I introduce you to BOB's newest goddess, from right here in Sin City!
Seth: Give it up for Eliot Titzer.
SW: Titzer! Woohoo!
["Who Are You" by The Who plays. Out walks Titzer, a brunette dressed in a blue tank top, blue pants, and a red and white apron. She's carrying a pizza box.]
SW: Oh, baby! She may be the sexiest pizza delivery chick ever. Think she'll let me touch her box?
Styles: I hope you're talking about the pizza box.
SW: Sure, whatever, Styles.
Styles: I understand that Titzer loves to cook, and it's her dream to one day have her own cooking segment in BOB.
[Titzer walks around the ring and gives the pizza box to Scotty.]
SW: For years, I've tried to fill a hole in my soul with booze and porn. But now I know what I was missing all these years. A girl who brings me pizza without me begging! I love you. Will you marry me, Eliot Titzer?
ET: Wow. I'm just so overwhelmed. I don't know what to say. Really?
[Scotty is stuffing his face with pizza.]
Seth: Eliot? The ring's up here. You can watch Scotty stuff his face after the show.
Styles: Scotty, please quit spitting food all over the desk.
Seth: Oh, I'm also supposed to read the results of some poll we had last week. Do you want to see Sarah 'The Jobber Slayer' naked in a pool full of beer while pregnant Eskimos skin a polar bear? Ninety-four percent of our viewers said yes. The other six percent said they would prefer the Eskimos to be skinning a sea lion. Sick freaks.
[Seth pulls out a contract.]
Seth: So Eliot, here's your contract. All you have to do is sign it and you can have your very first match tonight.
ET: (As she's signing) Great! Against who?
Seth: Have you finished signing? Dotted the t's and crossed the eyes? Er.
[Eliot puts a hand up to her eyes.]
ET: It's a lazy eye! I'm not cross-eyed!
SW: Whoa. Did you hear that?
Styles: Hear what?
SW: Her stock plummeting. Lazy eye. Gross!
Seth: Well, you'll be a proud member of the BOB T&A division if you can beat…Jerri Li tonight.
ET: Jerri Li? What the frick?
["Holy Wars" by Megadeth hits. The crowd cheers as Jerri Li walks out drinking a bottle of beer. She then smashes the bottle over her own head, gets down on her hands and knees, and grinds her face into the broken glass before she gets back up and walks down the aisle.]
SW: For years, I've tried to fill a hole in my soul with booze and porn. But now I know what I was missing all these years. Pizza! I love you. Will you marry me?
Styles: Oh, brother. Well, Jerri Li is busted open, and the match hasn't even started yet!
SW: Yeah. And I think Titzer just crapped her pants. We'll have to change her name from Eliot Titzer to Eliot Mess! Bwahahaha!
Styles: Here we go. Li charges and just nearly decapitated Titzer. Li just brutalizing Titzer in her debut here on iMPLOSION! Li unleashing stomps and punches on the rookie. Titzer with a couple of forearm shots. She's trying to get back in this one, but oh! There's a powerslam by Jerri Li. Cover! One, two and no. Oh man. Jerri Li just headbutted Titzer. I hope there still isn't any glass embedded in her forehead!
[The crowd erupts in cheers as Dr. Thrilla steps out of the entryway.]
Styles: Check this out, Scotty. I think Dr. Thrilla has a crush on Jerri Li. He's checking her out.
SW: Oh man. I bet she'd voluntarily go under his rusty scalpel, she's so sick and twisted.
Styles: Titzer trying to fight back.
Jerri: Harder! Slap my tits! Twist my nips!
Eliot: I don't know you that well…
Styles: Oh, Jerri just punted Eliot in the face. And I think she just noticed her admirer. Jerri is staring up at Thrilla, who is pretending he's just hanging around, looking at his feet. And there's a nervous glance to see if Jerri's still looking at him.
SW: Look out, Jerri!
Styles: School girl roll! One! Two! No?
SW: No? But Jerri was distracted by somebody in the aisle! This breaks all accepted wrestling logic.
Styles: And meanwhile, Thrilla ran toward the ring in an attempt to rescue Jerri from the jaws of defeat. No pun intended.
SW: Hey, somebody else is behind Thrilla. Hey, it's Lezzy the softball player!
Styles: Nikki Mantle is her name. She's our T&A XX Division Champion. And she's armed with an red fat wiffle bat. Thrilla doesn't realize it! Jerri sees her. Jerri yelling at Thrilla.
Dr. Thrilla: *confused metal clanging*
Styles: Titzer with another school girl! She grabs Jerri's leather pants.
SW: Whoa. She's spanking Jerri!
Styles: She likes it! Jerri likes it! SHEGOTHER! No! She didn't? Are you kidding me? Jerri kicked out of a spanking?
SW: Wow. This match is awesome!
Styles: Thrilla's chasing off Nikki Mantle now.
SW: Bwahahaha! He looks like PacMan chasing a ghost with those bear trap teeth! Is he trying to eat her?
Styles: Jerri's back up. Spin kick to Titzer's stomach. She's got Titzer up. Tombstone piledriver! That's it. One. Two. Three. Jerri Li with the win. But you've got to know that some day soon, Jerri Li and Nikki Mantle are going to finally have a one-on-one match. And I can't wait.
Seth: Aww, tough break, Eliot. It looks like you lost. Which means…
[Seth rips up her contract and then points at her.]
Seth: (E.T. voice) E.T., go home.
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Brilliant!
[Seth stares into the camera, looking cool, until…]
[A shot of Sarah The Jobber Slayer's nude back. It is quickly covered up as she puts on a striped referee shirt.]
Sarah: How's my hair?
TV: I wasn't looking at your hair. C'mon, let's go.
[A shot of what looks like a globe painted white. Cut to the "interior" of this large space station looking thing, which is more of an Earth station. Several desks are set up, manned by underlings dressed in Army uniforms who are playing Pong. In the middle of this was a couch, where Axl, Steve Roydz, Viruz, Pigeon, Duff, and Rose are hanging out. That is, until "The Imperial March" plays. And here comes the mysterious and imposing Garth Vader.]
Garth Vader: I've been waiting for you, Axl. We meet again, at last. The squared circle is now complete.
Axl: Umkay. So, what is this place exactly?
GV: This is my greatest creation. I call it the Jobbertothe Star.
GV: It is capable of wiping out any--
Axl: Does it fly?
GV: No. But isn't this a lovely view of Sin City?
Pigeon: So tell me, Vader, what do you want from me? What do you want from Pigeon?
GV: I want you to find somebody who will betray BOB. Preferably at an On-Demand event so the entire world will witness the dark power of the Heel Side.
Viruz: *Snort* Have you seen the buy rates lately?
Axl: Why do you think somebody would betray BOB?
GV: Why wouldn't somebody? After all, I did.
[Rose gets in Vader's face. Er, mask.]
Rose: Who do you think you are bossing around MY bitch?
[Vader looks over the Hierarchy.]
GV: Umm…which one are you referring to?
GV: Oh. Would you prefer I boss you around?
Rose: Nobody bosses me around.
Duff: You *BEEP*in' suck! *Belch*
GV: Where are those search logs you intercepted?
Viruz: Right here.
GV: Excellent. (Vader looks them over.)
GV: Rose, you have a vagina.
Rose: Excuse me?
GV: Don't act so surprised. Perhaps I can find a new way to motivate you.
[He pulls out a toy lightsaber.]
GV: It vibrates and it's a lightsaber. It's a lightsabrator.
Rose: What does this have to do with me turning you-know-who into a member of the Hierarchy?
Duff: I don't give a *BEEP*! *Belch* Hey, where are my umlauts?
GV: You don't actually have to use your vagina. Just make him (he points at her T-shirt) believe. Now. Set your course for Sin City. I want that jobber, not excuses.
[Vader walks away as "The Imperial March" plays again.]
Pigeon: This task is child's play, Rose. Trust me, I have months of experience. Closed off from love. I didn't need the pain. Once or twice was enough. And it was all in vain. Time starts to pass. Before you know it you're frozen. Quoth the Pigeon, Leona Lewis.
[In the ring, Trey Vincent had the microphone.]
TV: OK. So here's the deal people. If Kid Pirate wins, he goes on in the tournament. If Death loses, he doesn't go on in the tournament. I think that covers it. Simple enough? (Trey pauses and looks at a fan who's yelling at him.) What do you mean what if Death wins? He isn't going to! (Trey pauses again for the smark.) What do you mean Kid Pirate didn't do a Rant? Crap. Damn SMP for leaking that internal memo! Introducing first. The sexiest special guest referee of all time, ladies, gentlemen and annoying smarks, here is Sarah "The Jobber Slayer.
["Metal Storm/Face the Slayer" by Slayer plays. Sarah walks down the aisle, glaring at all the cheering fans, though the cheers are less noticeable, considering she's already been out a dozen times or so by this point since the start of the tapings.]
TV: Introducing first. He hails from the Seven Seas and is accompanied to the ring by a bird. This is Kid Pirate.
[Cut backstage. Kid Pirate is on his way for the dramatic long main event entrance, when all of a sudden...]
]Dr. Silaconne M. Plants runs up from behind and dumps a bucket of…something over Kid Pirate's head.]
Pretty Boy: RAAAARK!
SW: Eww. I think that's all the fluid they drained out of Plants' sack!
[And Kid Pirate slips and falls on the liquid, natch.]
KP: Yar. What be the meanin' of this?
SMP: Peg leg. Balls. Ring any bells?
[Plants grabs Pretty Boy.]
KP: Get yer mitts off Pretty Boy!
Pretty Boy: SQUARK!
Styles: OH MY GOD! NIPPLE CUTTER ON PRETTY BOY! Plants just Nipple Cuttered a PARROT!
Kid Pirate: Nooooo! Nooooo! Blast ye ta hell, Plants! I'll get ye for this!
[Trey and Sarah are staring at the TinyTron in shock. The crowd is popping HUGE for this development. "Killed By Death" by Motorhead hits! The crowd erupts in boos as Death emerges from the back.]
Styles: It's Death! And look at Trey and Sarah! They can't believe it. They're out of there! They just jumped the Flimsy Guardrail® and are heading out of the Ballroom. What cowards!
SW: There's a fine line between cowardice and genius, Styles. Since they're cutting my checks, they are absolute geniuses for getting away from Death.
[Death gets to the ring, climbs over the top rope and grabs the microphone.]
Death: Ya know…I just thought up a new slogan for this company. BOB: Cross the Lame! Sarah, Trey, you two are completely pathetic. Well, it looks like there's nobody to kill around here. Guess that means I'm the last entity standing. Which means, I'm goin' to UnFOURgiven, baby!
Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Styles: Fans, we are out of time for iMPLOSION! this week. Thanks for joining us. Next week, we'll be back with more tournament action. Good night everybody!