Seth Harker (Voice): Previously on BOB…
["Rising Sun" by Bexta plays as background music as we see a clip of Seth Harker in the ring from last week's iMPLOSION.]
Seth Harker: I have been appointed as BOB's Figurehead.
[Various Seth Harker match highlights play. Shooting Seth presses, Nightbringers, and various other highspots.]
Seth (Voice): And some other stuff happened. But nothing nearly as cool as this stuff right here.
Trey Vincent (Voice): Hey, Seth. What's going on?
Seth: (Voice): Uhh. Hey, Trey. Nothing.
TV: Have you seen that opening highlight recap thingee I edited around here? I left it somewhere and can't find it.
Seth: Oh, I think it's right--
[Cut to ringside in the Camel's Toe Ballroom in Sin City where Mikey Styles and Scotty Whatbody are sitting by.]
Styles: Hello everyone and welcome to Brawlers On a Budget's Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! I'm Mikey Styles, along with Scotty Whatbody.
SW: So, is the reason we have late shows so it gets better with age, like--
SW: No. I was going to say 17-year-olds, because they get better once they hit 18. Less worries with the popo.
Styles: Oh boy. We're off and running. We've got a big tag team match coming up as Alex Smith and Little Good take on Luke Warm and XXXtreme Machine?
SW: Yep. Luke Warm was such a bust that we're already back to using the Luke Warm imposter and trying to pass him off as Luke Warm.
Styles: Uh, Scotty? If you just told everyone that Luke Warm is an imposter, everyone will know.
SW: Oh, don't worry, Styles. Nobody watches our show. The only channel we beat consistently is the Fox Business Channel. Anyway, way to go, Trey. Just keep throwing around that money at has-beens like you're WCW. Nothing bad could happen with that method.
Styles: Plus, we'll be seeing Pigeon and Axl of the Hierarchy in action later as well.
SW: Are you trying to make the viewers change the channel?
Styles: Fans, last week, we saw a horrific tickle torture incident as Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" and Trey Vincent relentless tickled Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" while BigBOSS was lovecuffed to the ropes. We understand that she's under the care of doctors for uncontrollable hysterical laughing fits.
SW: Bwahahaha! And that's new for her?
Styles: It's not funny, Scotty.
SW: Then why's Eliza laughing?
Styles: Because she can't stop laughing!
SW: So, it must be FUNNY!
Styles: I understand that we're waiting to hear from Trey Vincent who is planning to reveal a secret about BigBOSS? This should be interesting.
["Not All Who Wander Are Lost" by DevilDriver hits.]
Styles: And here we go.
SW: Think Trey's finally going to tell the world that BigBOSS has been cheating on his wife with Eliza? Think he has pictures? Oh, I hope he has pictures! I heard that Joey Greco and Trey Vincent are close friends.
Styles: They should. Trey's been featured on "Cheaters" about three times. Once twice in the same show!
SW: I hope I see that show one of these days. I've been hearing rumors about that for three years.
Styles: Maybe Trey will post in the Rant Zone for everyone to enjoy. Of course, now I'm sure Trey is totally monogamous to Sarah. I wonder how Sarah feels about that Kyra girl.
SW: Oh, man. You're so stupid. You didn't recognize Kyra? You idiot, Kyra WAS Sarah! She just had a wig on.
SW: Seriously. Go back and watch the promo. I hope you didn't get all turned on by Kyra. She's almost like a daughter to you. That'd almost be incestuous, you getting turned on by your Slayer.
SW: Oh, Styles! BWAHAHAHA! Can we replace this freak with some inexperienced idiot who doesn't know anybody's name in BOB? I saw Adam Miketenay backstage, that other idiot that isn't Dan East from HHHW.
Styles: *Ahem* Um. Let's see what Trey has to say.
TV: What happened last week to Eliza "The Jobber Slayer" was pretty damn entertaining, wasn't it?
TV: You see, I know what all these people want. I must, because I'm the one writing all this crap and you're the one watching it. Sure, it's a small niche audience, but I know my niches. You see, I had to do this. Everybody knows about the episode of "Jeopardy" featuring Dr. Silaconne M. Plants. But there was another one. I must admit I made a mistake. And that was letting Eliza be put on "Jeopardy."
[The TinyTron lights up to show the "Jeopardy" set.]
Alex: Once again, in the form of a question.
Eliza: What is AHHHHHHHH?
Alex: No. Players? (Pause) The correct answer we were looking for was--Hey! Get her back!
[Eliza tackles Alex and pulls him behind his podium.]
Alex: What are you doing with that banana? No! No! SecuritEEEEEE!
TV: No wonder he had a heart attack. After dealing with Plants and Eliza. So, you see, we were totally justified in tickling her until she peed her pants. We had to show her who is the VP. And who is the champ. And I'd do it again. As a matter of fact, if you're free Friday night, Sarah's busy…but that's neither here nor there.
TV: Alright, onto business. BigBOSS. I know you're in the building tonight. I've already taken care of your mistress. Now I've got something to reveal to the world. You need to get out here right now. Cue his music.
["Takin' Care of Business" plays. BigBOSS walks down the aisle and cautiously gets in the ring. BigBOSS notices signs that say "Pissy Pants Eliza!" and then another one that says Trey "The Bladder Slayer." BigBOSS isn't amused.]
TV: I'd kick your ass right now if it weren't for the fact that you're paying me an incredible salary. Instead, I've decided that it's time to reveal a deep, dark secret about your family, BigBOSS. Are you ready?
TV: OK. It's about…your daughter!
BigB: I have a daughter?
TV: Yes! Michelle!
BigB: Oh, right. What about her? She hasn't been around lately. Odd that you'd even bring her up.
TV: Uh, 'kay. Well, I have it on good authority, that…Michelle…ISN'T your daughter!
Styles: Oh, BROTHER!
SW: No, he said daughter! Wait, BigBOSS lied? Oh no! My faith is destroyed!
Styles: You knew she wasn't his daughter! BigBOSS adopted her at some point around 2005 or 2006.
SW: I knew no such thing, Styles. Stop making up vicious lies! Unlike Trey. Trey's the only honest man in this whole stinking federation!
TV: This is a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top of BOB. Which, well, is you. But I think you owe all these idiots in Sin City and watching at home an explanation. As a matter of fact, her real father is…some, male person who also fathered Sarah. Possibly Uri Gellar, if my hazy memory is correct. In fact, Sarah and Michelle are SISTERS! And, by the way, I've *BEEP*ed both of 'em. Sarah's waaaay better in the sack.
Styles: This is why he brought this up! Just so he could brag about bedding two sisters?
SW: Hell, if I could have done it, I'd be talking about it every day. But saying you made it with two Army chicks who each had a leg amputated…never mind.
Styles: Excuse me?
SW: Look, what's it matter if my threesome only had four legs! All that matters was their vaginas weren't blown up!
[Trey and BigBOSS are staring at Scotty from the ring.]
BigB: I don't know if I should believe this wild accusation or not!
Styles: Believe it.
BigB: This makes some sense, I guess, since I would've had to have been, what, 15 when I fathered her? And that just couldn't be, because I didn't even…
TV: You were still a virgin at 15? Dude, what country did you grow up in? I lost my virginity when I was 10!
BigB: Wasn't that with your uncle though?
TV: *Gasp* I told you that in confidence!
SW: What the *BEEP*?
TV: I mean! It was a girl! She was like 18. She was trolling the elementary school yard cuz she had this fetish for, like, fourth-graders. She totally promised me candy and G.I. Joes, and she took me in her car and abused me for days. It was GREAT!
Styles: This is the oddest opening segment I've seen in years.
SW: He puts the fun in dysfunctional.
TV: Face it, BigBOSS. Michelle is a whore. A greedy whore. All she cares about is having power and really dirty sex. The dirtiest kind of sex. We're talking mud, rotting pet corpses and garbage piles, BigBOSS.
Styles: Good GOD, will somebody end this segment before it gets any more disturbing?
BigB: Did Michelle KNOW that she wasn't my daughter?
Styles: Yep. She sends her real father a card on Father's Day.
BigB: Does it have…money inside?
TV: …Why, yes. Oh yeah, she sends him at least 20 bucks through the mail.
BigB: *Gasp* You better produce some proof of this, Vincent! Or you're going to pay for Eliza's dry cleaning! Actually, I already docked your pay for that.
BigB: You'll job to XXXtreme Machine if this is true!
TV: Oh, no worries there. It's all true.
BigB: Actually, XXXtreme Machine wouldn't be low enough if this is all a lie. I'd get you to job to the entire sWo!
[Crowd boos loudly!]
TV: Yeah, boooo! Thank god I'm not lying! Next time I see Michelle at a BOB event, I'll tickle her until she admits the truth.
BigB: Tickle torture isn't proof, Trey.
TV: Sure it is. If waterboarding confessions can send an entire country to a false war, then surely it can be used to help me avoid a severe jobbing!
[Trey throws down his microphone in anger and leaves the ring.]
Styles: Well, that was just…odd.
SW: You waited two extra days for this?
Styles: What are you talking about, Scotty?
SW: Me? Nothing. Just a little inside joke for a few readers.
Styles: Readers? Anyway, fans, stay tuned. The Grand Slam tournament continues on next. We're on the way to UnFOURgiven. Who will win the Fight Good Enough To Be The AlONeLY WORLD Swiss Army TITLE THAT MATTERS? Two more will advance. Next!
["bin Laden" by Immortal Technique is playing as we return to the Camel's Toe in Sin City.]
Nurse Heidi: The opening contest on Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION is a tag team Grand Slam tournament match. Both members of the winning team will go onto the next round. Introducing first. From Deep Behind Enemy Lines. Alex Smith. And his partner. From Cloudydale…And being accompanied to the ring tonight by Misty Waters! Little Good!
SW: Misty's back! Woohoo!
Styles: I thought you'd be focusing on her front.
SW: I will once Little Good stops blocking my bloody camera shot! Get out of the way Captain Peroxide!
Styles: There she is. She's a former holder of the Swiss Army Belt. And look at this. She's got a copy of her latest DVD softcore porn classic.
SW: "Porn Night"! In this great skin flick, Misty plays Megan, a chick who is supposed to have the greatest gangbang of her life during prom night. After surviving an average gangbang during junior year, she's finally moved on and ready to enjoy her last year of high school and give it another try at breaking the world's prom night gangbang record. Now, surrounded by her best friends, teachers, every other male member of the graduating class, every other guy in high school, and every father of every person in the entire school, she must find a way to break the record that she thought was out of her reach forever.
Styles: Is BOB putting up cash on these? Is that why you're reading the whole premise?
SW: You bet. I'm hoping to become a producer or a porno star one of these days. I can shave my goatee into a mustache. I'm very versatile.
Styles: You're already a porn legend in your mind.
SW: Misty sure is bouncing back quick. From one sleazy guy to another sleazy guy with a cool accent. Maybe I'll be next! Maybe I can work on my French accent. Vood joo lick to swallow my bagette?
NH: And their opponents.
["This is XXXtreme" by Harry Dick & The No-Tones hits.]
NH: First, from the bunghole of America, this is XXXtreme Machine!
[Sounds of stuff breaking fill the ballroom. BOOOS!]
NH: (Indecipherable introduction)
AS: You are exactly what's wrong with America, Scotty! You focus on Misty's boobs instead of the criminal Bush administration!
SW: No. It'd be criminal if I DIDN'T focus on those! Look at them! They're so perfect! This is politics, not wrestling. Now go get pinned by Luke Warm in two seconds!
Styles: It's absolute chaos out here. The fans are booing Luke Warm out of the building. Scotty's drooling over Misty. Alex is pissed at Scotty.
SW: XXXtreme Machine is sucking.
Styles: We've got Little Good and XXXtreme Machine to start this one out.
Crowd: Die, Luke, die! Die, Luke, die!
Luke Warm: Hey, Ref! Do these knee braces make me look fat?
Generic Ref: No, no, they're not saying "diet." They're saying "die."
SW: XXXtreme Machine and Little Good shoving at each other. XXXtreme Machine unloading with some punches now on Little Good. Little Good winds up.
[Little Good grabs his head.]
SW: Oh, right, he's still got that chip in his head. I thought he could hurt other jobbers?
Styles: I guess since XXXtreme Machine won the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS, even if it was only for like one minute, he's no longer considered a jobber?
SW: Bloody hell! Speaking of bloody hell, I heard that's Little Good nickname for Misty's finger hut when she's on the rag.
Styles: Little Good is slammed. XXXtreme drops the leg. And there are some XXXtreme stomps and punches.
SW: It's amazing how he can make basic kicks and punches look bad.
Styles: Little Good shoves XXXtreme away and dives for a tag to Alex Smith. He's got XXXtreme hooked.
SW: Club of Rome connects to XXXtreme's back.
Styles: Club of Rome?
SW: That's what he calls it. All his moves are some sort of conspiratorial reference. The Club of Rome is the group behind the global warming scam.
Styles: I hope he doesn't have a move called the Anal Probe.
SW: I wonder if Misty does?
Styles: Hello! Cover! One, two and. No.
SW: And here's the American Empire chinlock.
Styles: He even names a resthold?
SW: Yep. He named this one to remind American how lazy they have become and how their apathy is ruining this once-proud country.
Styles: Your time as their mentor must have been torturous. XXXtreme Machine fighting up. What's he call that one, Scotty?
SW: That's a neckbreaker, Styles. Man, how dumb are you?
Styles: I thought you said he names all his moves!
SW: *Sigh* You just know everything, don't you.
Styles: Little Good back in the ring. XXXtreme Machine reverses and takes him down with a North Dakotan legsweep. Both men are down and both need to make a tag.
SW: Oh, yeah. That move was soooo devastating two minutes into this match. We just need a hot tag now.
Styles: Mr. Sarcasm is in full force today. Smith gets the tag. And--
Styles: Luke Warm's in. STONECUTTER on Smith! STONECUTTER on Little Good! Cover! One! Two! Three! HEGOTHIM!
NH: Here are your winners--
[Heidi is drowned out by boos.]
SW: Careful. He might come out there and STONECUTTER every one of you idiots!
Styles: That seals it. If you're defending Luke Warm, he's officially a heel.
SW: No way! Luke Warm su--. He su--. Why can't I say it?
Styles: Told you. Fans, we'll be right back!
[We return to the Camel's Toe, where a crudely constructed announce table has appeared at ringside. Miraculously enough, it's even MORE crudely constructed than the EZ Break Announce Table, which is saying quite a bit. In fact, it consists of only two trash cans turned upside down and set down a couple of feet apart from each other. A long piece of cardboard rests upon the upturned bottoms of the two cans, and a plain white towel is draped over this piece of cardboard. And scrawled across the towel in black marker is the words "Hierarchy Announce Table". This couldn't possibly be good...]
Styles: Have you noticed the shoddily put together desk that's been set up on the opposite side of the ring?
SW: Yeah... I thought we got a new Mexican announce team or something. Telling from the way the thing's built, it wouldn't surprise me if it were atleast made down there. Of course, I don't think Mexico gets G5... Really, I don't think most of America gets G5. Hey, maybe it's a Dimension Z Announce Table. I hear that Paradox is a local hero. And Dr. Thrilla dolls sell like hotcakes. They're really popular. Well... except for the couple of customer complaints. Geez, just because a few bratty kids get their fingers snapped off, they have to bitch and moan. That's the price one must pay for a realistic beartrap mouth! Stupid aliens...
Styles: Well, from what I can make out, the thing has the name of the Hierarchy written across it... I seriously hope they're not thinking about calling a match...
SW: I know! Even if the match sucks, I should have the right to tell all these fine losers a bunch of my jokes! I have some grade 'A' material planned for tonight!
Styles: Sure Scotty. I'm about as sure of that as I am I'd enjoy hearing whoever the Hierarchy chooses to man that desk...
SW: Well, as long as it isn't Good ol' Ben Joss or whatever the fuck that guy was called... Remember that tub of lard? He was the worst impersonation of Jim Ross since Ed Ferrara! I hope they at least get Rose. At least she's got nice tits.
Styles: Nice tits do not a good commentator make.
SW: I know. But at least they'll give me something to stare at besides another crappy match...
["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz plays, and the crowd begins to unload a chorus of boos and jeers as Axl and Rose make their way through the curtains, arm in arm.]
Styles: Well, you got what you wanted. Rose is apparently coming to the desk.
SW: Yeah, but unfortunately so is Axl. Dammit... well, you have to take the good with the bad. At least I get to laugh at Axl being whipped into submission like the bitch he is!
Styles: Hey, I'm sure he's perfectly fine with the path his relationship has taken...
SW: Yeah, you're right. He could be totally happy with how Rose is treating him. ... Well, unless of course he has a pair of BALLS. Then he's probably feeling like horse crap. But otherwise, he's probably on top of the world right now.
[Rose sits down first, and Axl is about to sit down, when Rose shoves his chair away. She pats her lap, and motions for Axl to take a seat. He does so, crossing his legs once he's seated. The couple both place headsets on.]
SW: WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD! I hope Axl heard me.
Styles: You're a bad apple, Scotty.
Rose: Hey, monkies in the back! Cut the *BEEP*wads' headsets! The only people calling Hierarchy matches from now on are members of the Hierarchy!
SW: THANK GOD! Styles, let's go. Any match featuring a member of the Hierarchy has the potential to be even worse than a regular BOB match, and that's something I'm glad I don't have to put up with anymore! And besides, I'm sure Axl gets off on being so close to the 'action', if you know what I mean!
Axl: I DO NOT! Rose, tell him I'm not gay. :-(
Rose: Scotty, he's not gay! He's just a bit on the effeminate side!
Rose: What'd you want me to say? That you lack testosterone? That you're hormonally challenged? That while you like being with a woman, you also like for that woman to be in possession of a 13 inch long, titanium strap-on?
Rose: What is it?
Axl: Just because I like to take it up the you-know-what, it doesn't mean I'm gay!
SW: You keep telling yourself that Axl, I'm sure one day it'll come true. Phff, heheh.
Styles: Alright, alright, let's depart Scotty, before Axl blows a gasket.
Axl: I'M NOT GAY!!!
Fans: AXL'S GAY! AXL'S GAY! AXL'S GAY!
[Scotty and Styles stand up from their desk, and head toward the entrance. When they pass the announce table of the Hierarchy, Scotty looks at Axl, whose head is resting on Rose's shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist. Scotty shakes his head, before joining Styles on his way out.]
Rose: Ladies and gentlemen, the show has now officially begun! Axl, get your head off my shoulder, go grab your chair, and sit down. Now that those chump stains are gone, I don't have to appear so affectionate.
Axl: But... I thought you wanted me to -
Axl: Yes ma'am!
Rose: What was that?
Axl: I mean... yes... sir?
Rose: You're damn right. Now fetch your damn chair already and sit your ass down so we can call the match.
[Axl heads toward the chair that has been knocked to the ground. Axl props the chair back up, takes a seat, and begins to speak, but Rose cuts him off.]
Rose: Welcome to Hierarchy iMPLOSION!, the program that brings you the top talent in the world... us... kicking the holy living crap out of losers like this next guy!
Nurse Heidi: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a Round One match in the Grand Slam Tournament.
["Blue" by Eiffel 65 plays, new music to the land of Brawlers. A picture of an island appears on the Tiny-Tron, surrounded by a vast ocean. The camera slowly zooms in, revealing a few tall , skyscraper-like buildings, built entirely of sticks and assorted island type junk. We find one building with a sign reading 'The Tiki Lounge'. While it is pictured upon the screen, this very same building lowers from the rafters of the arena... when suddenly, a rotund man dressed from head to toe in blue breaks through the frail wall, which is held together only by thin rope. The entire building collapses behind the monster of a man, as he beats his fists against his chest and screams at the top of his lungs.]
Nurse Heidi: First... Hailing from the Isle of Blue Jersey, he stands tall at 5 feet, 8 inches, weighing in at 321 pounds, he is the Blue Blooded Monster - Bluuuuuuue-MAGAAA!!!
Rose: Bluemaga? Seriously? This one's gonna be a cake walk!
Axl: I dunno, honey, he looks sorta... big. I mean REALLY big. In the fat, Big Daddy V sorta way, not the tall, Great Khali sorta way.
Rose: Oh, I thought you meant the tall AND fat, Big Show sorta way. But fat, Big Daddy V is nothing to scoff at.
[Bluemaga is dressed in a knee-length pair of tight blue shorts, blue sandals, and a blue beaded necklace. He has a head-full of blue dreadlocks, a face and body covered in blue paint, and his right pinkie is wrapped in blue tape. Bluemaga lifts his taped pinkie high into the air, as the crowd roars their approval. Hey, anyone that faces a Hierarchy member is automatically going to be cheered, it's just the rules of the game. Even this jobber has more fans than a Hierarchy guy...]
Rose: Well, Jobby McJobberton the Blue-Nosed FatBoy has arrived, and it's time for a REAL wrestler to make his entrance!
Axl: But I'm not fighting this guy? What other REAL wrestlers does BOB employ?
Rose: Oh shut up, Axl. You lost your right to have an ego when you agreed to be my bitch.
Axl: I'm not your bitch! I'm just the girl, that doesn't mean I don't have a sack!
Rose: Did I say you could have a sack?
Axl: ... No. ... I'm sorry. ... Can I still be your bitch?
Rose: Wait till your match. If you win, we'll talk.
Nurse Heidi: And his opponent -
[Suddenly, the Tiny Tron fills with the image of a full moon... "Voices" by Disturbed begins to play, and clouds shroud over the light of the moon... before - ]
Speakers: WHAT ABOUT ME... WHAT ABOUT PIGEON?!?!?!~!
Rose: Now HERE'S a man!
Axl: Hey! He left Michelle to be in MY stable! I'm just as much of a man, if not more of a man, than he is! Would someone leave such a wonderful lady to be in any OTHER man's group? I think not! There's just something about me that -
Rose: AXL. What did I say about ego?
Axl: But sweetie-kins!
Rose: The only person in this relationship allowed to have an ego is ME. And why wouldn't I have an ego? I'm pure awesomeness wrapped up into one nice, hot, sexy little package - BITCH~!
Rose: :-D , :-P
Axl: YOU'RE MEAN!!!
Rose: Oh, you know you love me.
Axl: I... I know... :'(
[Pigeon walks through the curtains, wearing a pair of torn jean shorts, a black shirt with the Hierarchy logo printed across the front, and around his waist he wears a flannel shirt, with the arms tied in a tight knot. Pigeon stands upon the stage, flapping his arms about, before flapping down to the ring. Once he rolls in under the bottom rope, he grabs the microphone from Heidi, and proceeds to sit down in the corner of the ring... lifting the microphone to his mouth.]
Pigeon: ... This darkness covers me like the arms of a mother around her newborn son. I feel its warmth... yet I am drenched in its coldness. I taste a sip of the sweet, sweet nectar of greed... Power surges into mine veins... An epiphany awakens me from my slumber... I know now what I knew not then... This is my new horizon. A new day has come... I was waiting for so long. For a miracle to come... Everyone told me to be strong, hold on and don't shed a tear. Through the darkness and good times... I knew I'd make it through. And the world thought I had it all, but I was waiting for you. I see a light in the sky... Oh, it's almost blinding me... I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love. Let the rain come down and wash away my tears, let it fill my soul and drown my fears, let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun.
Pigeon: A new day... has... come. Quoth the Pigeon... Michelle's a whore!
Axl: Hey! Michelle's a wonderful lady!
Rose: Axl, you better not be thinking about other women. ESPECIALLY when I'm sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!!
Axl: Sorry my love...
[Pigeon tosses the microphone to the outside and stands up, facing Bluemaga. Generic Ref signals for the bell, and the match is underway...]
Rose: Pigeon and Bluemaga start this one off by circling each other... Pigeon goes in for the tieup, but Bluemaga easily shoves the Bird of Prey off and into the corner. Bluemaga storms forward and leaps into the air, but just as he's about to make impact, Pigeon rolls out of the way, and Bluemaga collides with the top turnbuckle. Bluemaga spins around sharply after that violent collision, and slumps against the turnbuckle... Pigeon rams a shoulder into the big guy's gut... and follows it up with another, and another. Pigeon heads up top and begins driving his fists into Bluemaga's face... but Bluemaga manages to toss Pigeon off like a bag of feathers.
Axl: Pigeon feathers?
Rose: More than likely. And WHOA! Bluemaga nearly just took Pigeon's head clear off with a vile clothesline to the skull, flipping Pigeon in mid-air! Bluemaga bounces off one set of ropes, the opposite set of ropes, leaps into the air, and comes crashing down with a massive splash, knocking the air right out of poor Pigeon... Axl, you've gotta do something!
Axl: Hmm... I've got it!
[Axl lays down his headset, and heads toward the ring. He picks up the microphone Pigeon tossed out before the match, and calls into the ring.]
Axl: As GM of the Hierarchy's 'iMPLOSION!', I declare this match a Hierarchy Rules match!!!
[... What? I mean, sorry to butt in like this. I know I'm supposed to stick to narrating... but seriously, "Hierarchy Rules"? What the HELL is that supposed to mean?]
Axl: SIMPLE. As of now, this match is a no dq, no holds barred, no count out, falls count anywhere, STREET FIGHT. Now, let the match REALLY begin!
[Ugh... Axl heads back to his seat, while I'm left wondering how Axl can actually call the shots. This isn't REALLY "Hierarchy" iMPLOSION!... is it?]
Rose: You bet your sweet ass it is! And now... oh *BEEP*, Bluemaga just went outside and grabbed a steel chair! Apparently people from Blue Jersey can understand English, as he's picked up on the fact that he can use weapons now! AXL!!!
Axl: What?! I tried to make things easier for Pigeon! It's not my fault he's a weakling... unlike me, sugar dumpling. :-)
Rose: Oh, stick a fork in it.
Axl: ... Huh?
Rose: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Axl: Of course! Of course I do... I do?
Axl: I mean, I do!
Rose: That's better.
[Pigeon slowly makes it to a vertical base, turns around, and gets clobbered with a chair right to the mush by the massive blue monster.]
Rose: Dammit, Pigeon's lying on the canvas, and Bluemaga's nearing victory! Axl, this match needs another rules change! QUICK!
Axl: I'm on it!
[Axl drops the headset again, and grabs the microphone... This is ridiculous.]
Axl: Generic Ref! I forgot one of the rules in a Hierarchy Rules match! Uhm... the non-Hierarchy participant in the match must... tie both of his arms behind his back! And stand on one foot! And be blindfolded! Now break out the rope and blindfold, ya jackass!
[In the words of Mikey Styles : Oh-my-GOD, Axl, do you seriously believe this is a level playing field?]
Axl: ... No? Does it matter?
[I guess not. Either way, Axl sits back down and puts his headset back on, as Bluemaga stands on one foot, with both of his arms tied behind his back, and his vision disabled by the blindfold. He couldn't possibly stand a chance now, and both Axl and Rose are smiling from ear to ear because of it...]
Rose: NOW we have a damn match, baby!
Axl: You've got that right, sweetheart! There's no way Bluemaga's getting past Pigeon now!
Rose: ... I CAN'T *BEEP*ING BELIEVE IT!!! Bluemaga just headbutted Pigeon! And now Pigeon's bleeding on the mat from his nose! This is unbelievable! Dammit Axl, something MUST be done!
Axl: I know, I know... Uhm... dammit, I don't know... WAIT! I've got it! Mwahaha...
[Axl drops the headset once again, but just as he heads toward the ring, Bluemaga pins Pigeon with the ref counting the three... The bell sounds, and Nurse Heidi enters the ring to announce Bluemaga as the winner... but Axl climbs into the ring as well, and rips the microphone from Heidi's hand. After Bluemaga removes the rope and blindfold, Axl... Axl actually lifts Bluemaga's hand into the air??? As he raises Bluemaga's arm, Axl speaks into the microphone...]
Axl: Congratulations Bluemaga!
[... Axl then slams the microphone into Bluemaga's forehead, knocking him out cold in the center of the ring. What in the hell is up with this guy?]
Axl: Congratulations... LOSER!
[... What? Axl, you do understand Bluemaga just won the match? He beat Pigeon! With his arms tied behind his back, his eyes blindfolded, and standing on one leg! Bluemaga STILL beat the crap out of Pigeon! Face it, the Hierarchy's destined to lose this tournament!]
Axl: Lose? Oh, did I forget to mention? The final rule of a Hierarchy Rules match... is that it's a REVERSE first blood match!!!
[... "Reverse" First Blood Match? Now I KNOW you're insane...]
Axl: Narrator, it's obvious you've never heard of a reverse first blood match. It's simple. The first man to make his opponent bleed... loses! And since this Blue Chump went and headbutted the crimson stuff right out of my man Pigeon, he, of course, LOST!!! It's as simple as that!
Rose: YES! Pigeon moves on in the tournament! The Hierarchy triumphs once again!
[Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! That's it, if Scotty and Styles can leave, so can I. You Hierarchy bastards can go ahead and find someone ELSE to narrate this crap! I'm OUTTA here!]
Rose: FINE! Who needs ya! Hell, Axl's match is up next, which means he won't be able to call the main event. So, I'll just take over the narrative duties, as Wes Rivers and Rex Winters take over the desk! ... Wait, who's facing Axl?
[Oh, I guess I'll do this one last narrative duty. SUDDENLY, "IronMan" by Black Sabbath kicks in... and out comes the man that killed WCW, IS killing TNA, and nearly killed BOB... the man that "made" DX, Stone Cold, and countless others! The man that made Crash TV and UberSwerves the norm! Ladies and gentlemen....]
[Axl... burn in hell. I'm outtie.]
Rose: NO!!! Dammit, no! It was supposed to be an April Fool's prank, damn you! He can't REALLY be here!!! ... IT'S HIM!!! Oh GOD no! Knowing him, he'll have every last wrestler in the history of the sport come down in a huge squash, just to put Axl away! This can't be! Russo... ugh, do I HAVE to do this? Dammit... Russo, the cold hearted bastard he is, walks through the curtains... for the first time in years here in Brawlers... I wish he never would have returned, but because Detached Narrator's a DICK, here he is! Russo walks down the ramp, as my beloved Axl stands in the ring, holding the chair previously used by Bluemaga... My God, this means that it's possible... it's actually POSSIBLE that Vince Fuckin' Russo could hold every one of the titles in BOB!!! Russo... Swiss Army Champion. Russo... Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champion. Vince FUCKING Russo... ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS?!?! This is the absolute blackest day in the history of not only wrestling... but the world. We'll return, with Wes and Rex manning the desk, for a main event of hellish proportions... NEXT.
Rose: We return to Camel's Toe, in Sin City, where that DIRTBAG Vince Russo is walking down the ramp. I'm taking over the narrative position, as that turkey-raper Detached Narrator has decided to neglect his duties! Well, I'm better at this schtick anyway! So, at the commentary desk is Wes Rivers and Rex Winters. Take it away, guys!
Wes: Hello folks, what a main event we've got up next! It's both a Beer in the Belly Qualifying Match, as well as a first round match in the Grand Slam tournament. Beer in the Belly? How did that happen?
Rex: I don't know, West. But the leader of the Hierarchy, Axl, is in the ring, and stepping into the ring right now is his opponent - Former WCW head writer, and current TNA writer, he's- well, he's got a microphone! Here he is folks, Vincent Kennedy Mc-
Wes: Uhm, Rex, you mean Vince RUSSO. Not... aw screw it, nevermind.
Russo: All you motha' *BEEP*in' rednecks out there better show me some respect right gat dam now, ya hick pieces ah *BEEP*! I MADE this industry, and at UnFOURgiven, I'm going to hold FOUR belts at one time, and there's not a gat damn person that can stop me - [turns to Axl] especially YOU... ya *BEEP*in' QUEER!!!
Wes: Uh oh! Axl looks infuriated at this comment! He's snapped!
Rex: Well, ya know what they say. The truth hurts.
Wes: True or not, Axl has pounced on Russo and is pounding away at him mercilessly! And now - Wait a minute... Just as Axl is about to go for the quick pin, he's pulled off by... Vince Russo???
Rex: Wait a minute... which Russo is the REAL Vince Russo?!
Wes: I haven't the foggiest idea! They both look exactly the same! This new Russo has taken Axl by surprise, and is now the one who is beating Axl with complete disregard.
Rex: And the other Russo has just rolled Axl up from behind? Generic Ref is so confused by all of this he's unable to make the count. Of course, I'm not sure if it's really due to the confusion, or if he's just as unable to count to three as he always is...
Wes: Either way, Axl kicks out, and is now going to town on BOTH Russos! He grabs one by the hair and the other as well, as slams their faces into one another. But hold on one second, is that... it COULDN'T be! A third Russo! And he's got a chair! He slams the damn thing over the back of Axl's head, and the self-proclaimed 'Savior' of BOB falls to his knees! The third Russo walks toward the other two and... hold-the-PHONE! Something extremely odd is going on...
Rex: What in the hell is happening to those guys' eyes?! They look like they're filling with electricity or something?!
Wes: Folks, these three cannot be Russo... atleast I don't think they can be! And now some sort of smoke is filling the ring... Soon it engulfs the entire ring, and just as suddenly it's gone... along with all THREE Russos! What in the holy living hell is going on here?!
Rex: This is insane, Wes! Axl is left in the corner, holding the back of his head, still in pain from that chair shot. He's staring at this display just as the rest of us are, without a clue of what's going on...
Rose: Axl! Can you hear me?!
Axl: I... Yeah, I can! What in the hell is going on here?! Rose, do something!
Rose: I can't Axl, I-
[Hello... ya stupid little WHORE!]
Axl: What's going on?! Rose, who's that with you?!
[It's me, you twit! Detached Narrator! Or should I say... Vince Russo #1, 2, and 3!!!]
Axl: You BASTARD!
[Hey, I try. But seriously. You thought you'd have it easy like that? You thought you'd get to face some jackass like Vince Russo, beat the crap out of him, and advance in the tournament? Well I don't THINK so, queer boy! It's time someone taught you a lesson, and that someone's gonna be ME, the all-powerful, all-mighty Detached Narrator! The most electrifying sports entertainer to never have a body of his own! Oh, and speaking of bodies, I have a bit of a... proposition, if you will.]
Axl: And what's that?
[Heheh... I'm going to be facing you in the form of seven different competitors. Gauntlet match rules. And if you win? You advance in the tournament, simple as that.]
Axl: Well... ok, you've got yourself a deal.
[Oh, and by the way. Heh... if you LOSE? Then Rose is MINE!!! Muahahahaha!]
Rose: WHAT?!?! AXL! I demand you drop out of the tournament and forfeit the match, right this instant! Pigeon's already advanced, we don't need you! ... I mean, you don't need the belts! I'm sure when Pigeon wins those belts, you can get the Swiss Army belt or something...
Axl: But... my love?
Rose: AXL. Do as I say, or you'll be sorry!
[Heheh. What a pussy. He can't even fight because his CHICK won't let him! Axl, you disgust me. Obviously, you couldn't live without this woman telling you what to do and when to do it, and if she really means that much to you, I guess I'll take that little stipulation out.]
Axl: Really! Alright! Rose, is it alright if I fight NOW?
Rose: Sure. Go get 'em, tiger.
[Oh, by the way. New stipulation. If you lose, Axl? YOU'LL be my slave! For ETERNITY!]
[ >:-) ]
Axl: Rose, do you want me to back out of the match... ?
Rose: Uh... what do you have to lose?
Axl: ... ETERNITY!!!
[Let the games begin!!!]
Wes: What a strange twist of events! Now, Axl is in a seemingly seven on one predicament, and if he loses? He must spend an eternity as Detached Narrator's servant... and the Hierarchy will be without a leader!
Rex: Listen to that music Wes... it sounds like... "Back in Black"! And now the lights are flickering black and white! You know what that means!
Wes: Uhm... no, actually, I don't?
Rex: The sWo is in... the... houuuse!!!
Wes: Oh GOD no... But there they are. Well, at least, Detached Narrator in the FORM of the sWo. Hack Hokum, Kevin Slash, and their leader, Reeve Gordon. All three of them are walking down to the ring as a unit, so I believe Axl will be facing them as a unit...
Rex: DN really isn't pulling any punches, is he Wes?
Wes: That he isn't. Reeve slides into the ring and immediately gets in Axl's face, shoving him into the ropes... Axl bounces off and comes back with a clothesline attempt, which Reeve ducks underneath and - WAM! Superkick to the back of the head! Axl stumbles forward, right into the waiting grasp of Kevin Slash's meaty right hook. Slash picks Axl up and plants him with the massive chokeslam! Hack Hokum leaps into the air and comes crashing back down over Axl's throat with a big leg drop! Reeve goes for the pin... but Axl quickly sends him flying off his chest before Reeve even picks up the two count.
Rex: I can't believe Axl was actually able to kick out of that! All three of these men... or whatever you want to call them -
Wes: A real three in one. Or should I say, one in THREE, heh.
Rex: Whatever you call them, they're bringing the onslaught to Axl, but yet he's still fighting through!
Wes: And yet, they're still trying their damndest to beat him to a pulp. Hack and Slash both grab Axl by the throat, and lift him into the air for a double chokeslam... but WOW, he just brought them BOTH head first to the ground with a nice snap double ddt! They're both lying on the ground, grabbing onto their heads... Reeve begins to sneak up from behind...
Wes: Yes, Axl, somehow, someway, felt Reeve coming, and turned around, knocking Reeve off his feet, with a superkick so loud you could hear it in the nosebleed section!
Rex: Payback's a bitch, baby!
Wes: Axl pins Reeve, and just as he picks up the three count, all three members of the sWo vanish into clouds of smoke! And, hey, someone's coming through the curtain... someone in a black robe and hood? Wait... Rex, you know that guy, Garth Vader?
Rex: Yeah, what about him?
Wes: Well, there's been a rumor floating around that there's someone higher than he that is set to help the Hierarchy claim more power. Someone with a higher position in power than Garth.
Rex: What, you mean a Higher Power?
Wes: SHHH! BOB might get sued by WWE if you use that term!
Rex: Uh... The Mega Power?
Wes: That'll be a lawsuit, too! So would Chris Powers, Jim Powers, Johnny Powers, Ron Powers, Scott Powers, Terri Powers, Allied Powers, Polish Power, Power & Glory, Power Company Twins, Power Team USA, The Power Trip, Power Twins, Powers of Pain, Super Powers, and the Power Hour.
Rex: ... The Superior Power?
Wes: That might work.
Rex: Whoever it is, they're staring right at Axl. Axl has a confused look on his face...
Wes: And now they're departing back through the curtains. And of my GOD! Axl was just attacked from behind by... raYne and Tony Spaghetti?!
Rex: DN's next form! The World's Gayest Tag Team has returned... sorta.
Wes: raYne and Tony are stomping Axl into the ground... Tony pulls Axl up, grabs him by the arms in a full nelson, and now raYne is sending kick after kick flying Axl's way! And finishes off with a HUGE kick right to the side of the head! Tony pushes Axl down to the canvas, and raYne is going for the pin...
Generic Ref: 1...2... ... 2... ......... 2... ... 17?
Rex: Tony has just been pissed off due to the referee's slow... or perhaps just stupid... count, and the Italian Stallion has ripped the ref from the mat and is backing him up into the corner... raYne is rolling out of the ring and grabbing a chair... he tosses it in... before pulling a table from out beneath the ring! raYne slides the table into the ring, and rolls in himself. Tony grabs the chair, and begins to unload on Axl!!!
Wes: This duo of DN's is simply ripping Axl apart! There be no chance for the former hair metalist. Tony raises the chair above himself and is about to drive the killing blow into Axl's back... but wait a damn minute! raYne is standing in front of Tony, asking for him to drop the chair! What's going on here?
Rex: raYne's asking for Axl to grab onto his hand... ? And after raYne pulls Axl up, raYne... EWWW!!! raYne just locked on the Kiss of Death! It looks like all of that was just a set-up! I don't think Axl has any choice but to tap here... but... wait, is Axl ENJOYING this???
Wes: He's sure as hell not fighting it!
Rex: Tony's beginning to look a bit worried now... he rips raYne away from Axl and begins to argue with his lover... I guess even when they're just DN in disguise, there's enough gayness in the names raYne and Tony Spagetti themselves to translate into a lover's quarrel!
Wes: Hey, it's wrestling folks. No logic required. Anyway, the "lovers" raYne and Tony are bickering... and while they do so, Axl rolls Tony up from behind! But raYne is quick to break it up.
Rex: raYne and Axl are now trading lefts and rights... Axl sends raYne into the ropes... raYne goes for a Velvet Cutter on the return, but Axl turns it around into a backslide pin! And Axl picks up the one... the two... and the three!!! And just like that, raYne and Tony have vanished! That's five down, two to go for Axl.
Wes: But after what he's gone through already, Axl is exhausted! He's kneeling on the mat, with his head lowered... he looks up, only to find... HIS BROTHER?!
Rex: It's Viruz! Or... is it?
Wes: Viruz is extending a hand to pull Axl up to his feet... Axl stands thanks to Vi... and the two embrace! Maybe Axl has a tag partner for the next two, the LAST two, forms of Detached Narrator!
Rex: But would DN allow that?
Wes: Wait, music is playing... sounds like... the Ramones?
Rex: Good gravy, DN wouldn't choose Coma and... what, Hallucination Boy... would he?
Wes: Axl and Viruz are standing side by side, fists at the ready, and -
Wes: Son of a BITCH!
Rex: What a low down, dirty rotten, no good trick! "Viruz" just whipped around with an enziguri to his "brother"! It WAS Detached all that time!
Wes: I should have known it! And now that bastard is taking it to Axl like... like... like a rabid monkey or something!
Rex: Vi pulls Axl to his feet, and whips him into the corner... before heading toward the opposite side... Vi runs toward Axl, leaps into the air, and comes down harshly with a swift body splash. He comes out of the corner, with a side headlock on Axl, and hits a running bulldog.
Wes: I wonder who DN could possibly have in mind for his final form... IF Axl can make it past Viruz?
Rex: I have no idea, but whoever it is, if THIS form is any indication, then Axl might have to take the fall before it's too late!
Wes: I have faith in our leader, Rex. As his official commentary team, I believe we owe it to the Axl-holics to call this thing right down the middle... in Axl's favor, of course.
Rex: ... Of course.
Wes: Viruz is delievering the rights and lefts to the mush of our beloved leader, who is struggling to grab the ropes. Axl finally manages to throw his arms around the bottom rope, and the ref breaks up the barrage of fists. Vi climbs the corner post... Axl stands up, and Viruz soars through the air, going for a dragonrana... but Axl manages to snatch Viruz out of the air, and rotates a few times before planting Vi with an Evil-Lution Bomb!
Rex: Axl might stand a chance after all!
Wes: You're damn right he does! But Axl collapsed right after nailing the maneuvre, so he can't follow up on the move with a pin. Vi is already climbing to his feet, with Axl barely moving. Vi heads over to the fallen Axl and reaches down... but Axl rolls him up! He was playing possum!
Rex: The ref counts the two, but no three. Axl stands up and gives the ref an evil look, but decides not to bother with him, and leave his focus on his "brother", who he whips into the ropes. Once Vi returns, Axl leaps over him, and pulls of a sunset flip pin, which gets only a two.
Wes: Axl pulls Vi to a vertical base, before hitting a quick snap suplex, and floating over for the pin, which earns him another two count. Viruz definitely isn't going to go down like DN's other transformations. He's combined the skills of all those other five men into one being, the athletically gifted brother of Axl.
Rex: And that's why I think Axl has a tough, uphill battle ahead of him.
Wes: He very well may...
Rex: Axl grabs Vi by his long ponytail, and pulls him up, but just as he does, Vi slaps Axl across the chest vicously with a vile knife-edge chop. Axl backs up a few steps... and runs in toward Axl, gore-ing him to the mat. The two roll to the outside, trading fists the entire way... Wait, someone's coming through the audience... it's Rose!
Wes: Ha! Now we're talkin'! Rose is setting up the table that raYne slid in a little while ago. Rose rests the table against the top turnbuckle, and grabs the chair... before tossing it outside to Axl, who grabs it and brings it smashing down over the skull of Vi. Vi falls backward, leaning against the apron. Axl drops the chair and rolls Vi into the ring... Rose lifts Vi and and holds him in front of the table... Axl heads to the opposite corner... before-
Rex: GORE! GORE! GORRRE!!!
Wes: Viruz has just been driven through the table... Axl goes for pin, and gets one, two, fourteen... eleventy-five? ... THREE!
Rex: You just shouted three.
Wes: Well hell, Generic Ref was never going to get there. Anyway, Viruz finally vanishes, and - Someone ELSE is coming through the crowd... is that... Tifa Bon JOVI!
Rex: It's Axl's old girlfriend... or valet... or agent. Whatever. But wait... is she fighting Axl? Is SHE DN's final form? ...
Wes: Rose's eyes go wide... she instantly begins to tussle with Tifa, and the two fight through the fans... Axl is left staring out from beside the ropes inside the ring, as his girlfriend and ex-manager battle to the backstage area... As they finally are out of sight, Axl turns around and - HOLY CRAP! Standing in the middle of the ring... in tight, ripped jeans ; a star-studded belt ; a white shirt with the black 'GwarTellica' logo ; and enough make-up to paint the outside of a tour bus... and of course, the long, blonde, big hair... it's AXL.
Rex: Oh jumpin' jimmy jack jesus CHRIST! First we've got three Russos, now we've got two Axls?! But the only difference is, the fake Axl has more color on his face than the real Axl has on his entire body! Past meets present! The battle of the goth poser vs the glam rocker! Axls collide!!!~1
Wes: To face Axl, Detached Narrator has actually chosen as his final form... Axl himself! This is unbelievable, folks! Both Axls are standing merely feet apart from eachother, and soon, the fate of the real Axl will be determined when either he... or Detached Narrator under the guise of Axl's old self... walk away with the win. Axl and Axl are already taking it to each other. From now on I'll refer to DN's Axl as "Axl".
Rex: ... Huh?
Wes: "Axl". So that he's not confused with Axl.
Rex: ... That sounds exactly the same to me...
Wes: Trust me. The fans reading this at home will understand.
Rex: ... Reading?
Wes: NEVERMIND. "Axl" has caught Axl off guard, and has managed to capitalize on this advantage. "Axl" whips Axl into the ropes, Axl rebounds, and "Axl" picks up and drops Axl with a massive spinebuster, rocking the canvas. "Axl" goes for the pin cover, and gets a one for his trouble. "Axl" -
Rex: Axl, Axl, Axl, Axl... God that's alot of Axls...
Wes: Ahem... "Axl" drops an elbow on Axl, before picking himself up and dropping another elbow on his doppleganger. Or would that be dopplegangee...
Rex: ... Huh?
Wes: You know, since "Axl's" the doppleganger of Axl, would that make Axl "Axl's" dopplegang'ee'?
Rex: ... ... ... HUH?
Wes: ... And Axl manages to roll out of the way of one more of "Axl's" elbows. Axl picks up the chair and lifts it over his head... but its taken away! By Tifa! She's rolled into the ring and apprehended Axl's chair, and is about to use it on him, when Rose rolls into the ring and pulls it away from her, Tifa turns around, and just like that is knocked out by the clash of steel upon bone and flesh. Tifa rolls out of the ring, falling upon the outside mats... Rose hands the chair back to Axl... but just as Rose is halfway out of the ring, "Axl" rolls Axl up from behind!!!
Rex: The bad... or is that good... Axl gets a one, two...
Wes: YES! Guitar shot by Rose on the back of "Axl's" head!
Rex: He falls to the mat, surrounded by bits of broken guitar... The Hierarchy's Axl falls, exhausted, on top of DN's Axl! Axl's covering Axl!
Wes: This could be it! One! Two! Three! Axl wins! Axl wins! He's qualified for the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match and will move on in the Grand Slam Tournament! All right, all right! I hear you!
Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!
Wes: Fans, I'm told we're desperately out of time so I should stop talking. For Styles, Scotty Whatbody and Rex, join us next week as Steve Roydz takes on Kamikazie Ken and some other less important BOB matches! All hail the Hierarchy!